The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Milton Jones

Episode Date: January 8, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth return for their first show of 2011 with chat about Derek Acorah's remarkable predictions for the year a head.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. You see, I like the idea of Great Britain,

and to some extent the world, on a Saturday morning, listening to 15 seconds of feedback. It doesn't happen enough on commercial radio, that kind of thing. You know, it's all la-la-la-la-la. Let's hear some... It's a different sort of guitar solo, isn't it? Yeah.

The one you normally get. Well, it's better than the one that was in the previous track, I would say, but far be it for me to comment on that. I am Frank Skinner. This is all going to be... I am Robot. I am Robot, and you can... And I'm with Gareth and Emily this morning.

Hello. Happy New Year, Frank. Oh, thanks. Someone fall over, then. Yeah, what's the point? Someone fainted that it was the latest ever Happy New Year on the 8th of January. If you want to text us about anything at all, I mean anything. I mean, for example, if you want to text us about the Franco-Prussian war and its implications, you can text us on 81215.

If you want to text us about biorhythms, it's fine. Our guest today is Milton Jones. He won't be texting us. He'll be live here. He's very funny. I saw him in Brighton once. He bought the house down. Has he got sticky up hair? Is he that one? He's got sticky up hair sometimes. We all have. I had sticky up hair when I got up this morning. Well, anyway. So, yeah, we've all had

the new year. We've had two weeks off from the radio show. The best ofs, of course. We're out filling our... Did you listen to the best ofs, Gareth? No. I listened to a bit. What did you think? I laughed. Did you? I know I shouldn't have. Can we admit that? Well, I don't hear the show because I'm here

when it's happening. I really laughed at it. I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever heard on radio. I honestly thought that. Wow. Yeah. It was great news for us all. And I'm starting to think maybe we should record the show and edit it. It'd be a lot better.

What do you think? Because, I mean, there's a lot of rubbish in the live version. I mean, just take this. Oh, fine. It's just me and her in chit-chat. We do it. But in the best of, it was bang, bang, gore, man. It was a feat, a cavalcade of humour. So we should do it every Saturday,

but then just edit it down for Christmas and New Year's Day? No, we could do that, yeah. Just take a contract. It's two long best of shows. I'm happy with that. Anyway, I'm afraid you've got us live, so you're stuck with it. Yeah.

I tell you, though, I'm in the mood today. I'm in the mood. That sounds a bit ominous. I think it was Glenn Miller who said... I don't think that is in the mood, isn't it? What's in the mood? Yeah. Yeah.

I think Peter Sellers had that plan at his funeral what about that what about that if you want i wasn't invited anyone who was at peter sellers funeral you can text us on 8 12 15 and you know just just to give us a little just a little bit of minutiae of the day just so we can get the feel of what it was like being there that's the atmosphere we want to create in the show today. I think celebrity funeral anecdotes is always... I could listen to them till the cows come home. Oh, good, I've got plenty of them.

I'll fit you out, yeah. Aren't you the sort of woman who turns up and stands at the back and the wife looks nervously over her shoulder? Crying far too much. Yeah, deliberately gone for that Jackie O look. Yeah. No, I tell you why I'm in the mood. I've been searching.

I've been searching. And, well, I mean in a spiritual way. In that for many years I've been wearing a pair of brown slip-on shoes made by a company called Journey, right? I know those shoes. Yes. Well, those shoes I wear so much that Adrian Childs, a dear friend of mine, not just a celebrity, don't think that,

he took a photo of them and then as a birthday gift he gave them to me in a beautiful silver embossed frame, just a picture of my shoes. Anyway, they finally, they caved in. They gave up, didn't they? After ten years they couldn't go on anymore. And I've been on a quest to find... I've been on a journey, you could say.

And the company no longer make those shoes, so I'm not one of those celebrities who's on the radio trying to get free things by dropping hints. Don't think that for a second. So, you know, journey and stick your free shoes, as far as I'm concerned. But I went out and I got my own. That's the kind of guy I am.

I've got the money, and it was the sales. I bought three pairs of brown shoes over Christmas. All brown? All brown. Just brown. Well, these were brown suede slip-ons and I thought, I'm going to go brown slip-on. Two brown slip-ons and then I saw these ones. And can I name the brand name? Oh, do it. Clarks. Oh, OK. I wish you hadn't. But anyway, carry on. No, Clarks are quite cool nowadays. Are they? Oh, yeah. Do tell me, Gareth, about that carry on. No, clerks are quite cool nowadays. Are they? Oh, yeah. Do tell me, Gareth, about that. Look, Gareth, I'm not turning this into an infomercial.

But anyway, I went in and there was a sticker on them, which I must admit, it had drawn me, and it said, extra wide. Oh, oh. I could sense years of comfort stretched out ahead of me. Funny enough, Frank, that puts me off clothing when I see that on it. OK, I thought of 30 things I could say, none of which... 29 of which would end with you walking out of the room, so I'm not going to say.

No, I like a wide shoe. I found, I got these shoes, they were so wide. I was able to walk, I was in Cheltenham for Christmas, I was able to walk over quite deep snow drifts without sinking at all. Oh. Perfect. And I find with me, my attitude with a shoe, you know women go on about shoes a lot. Yeah.

Women always talk about shoes this year. Well, stereotypes are why don't you? No, but you would talk about shoes, but I think your relationship with shoes is like an infatuation. It's like a new relationship when you just met someone, you're very excited, everything they say about shoes, you know, but I think your relationship with shoes is like an infatuation. It's like a new relationship when you've just met someone, you're very excited, everything they say, you go... With me, shoes like an old partner I've been with for many years. A comfortable travelling companion who I can depend on. I think I might have hit upon that with these brown extra wives.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute. I might have hit upon that with these brown extra wives. They are lace-ups, but I've worked out the exact tension of the lace so that they operate like a slip-on. I never i never undo them you know when you get it i know exactly what you mean oh sorry that was that was um manic straight preachers with um you stole the son from um do you steal the son from that builder no exactly just put it down for a minute he was just about to go on to richard little john's thoughts on the week turn around and gone is richard little john still in is he still alive richard little john oh i don't know yeah i'll take it google it nice bloke big broad face little john

that's what he's like anyway your shoes i love the subject of your shoes don't you find that there are some clothes, I mean, some people will look at these shoes and think, you know, ooh, my girlfriend said they were a bit supply teacher. Did she? Well, it's funny, actually. I've seen those very same shoes. You might think it's funny. I find it slightly offensive.

Oh, I wouldn't say supply teacher. You know what I'd say? What? Sort of philosophy professor at one of the better Oxford colleges. I'm happy with that. I think I've got a brown tweed. There's an element of philosophy professor at one of the better Oxford colleges. I'm happy with that. I think I've got a brown tweet. There's an element of American academic about me at the moment. I would agree with that.

You know, opening scenes of The Da Vinci Code. Yes. When he's doing a bit of a lecture. That's how I'm seeing myself. I mean, you know, to some extent, I am a spreader of educational thoughts on this show. That's what I think. A little bow tie maybe I see.

I'm wondering, you know, if I can take on a bow tie. I had that thought only yesterday. I think let's go for it. It's a tricky one. It's what I think. Little bow tie maybe I see. I'm wondering, you know, if I can take on a bow tie. I had that thought only yesterday. I think let's go for it. It's a tricky one. Yeah. I thought one of those that very, very slightly revolved. Not span. Not span, but went round like the London Eye when you hardly know it's moving. You have to really concentrate

on a pod for, say, two or three minutes. Just that. So someone's talking to you and they think, that's gone round, what, three or four degrees since we... Yeah. I'm going to try... I've never really... Apart from in a black suit situation, I've never worn a dickie, by the way,

so I'd like to take that on. Actually, Frank, we have just had a text in from Peter Parker. What? Is there a little bit of a web on it? Has he picked a peck of pickled peppers? Spider-Man. No, he says, I don't think women understand men in shoes.

I like brown shoes. I don't think people should wear black shoes with jeans. No, I don't. Voice of controversy there. I remember there used to be an Anna Friel advert on the telly when she sat looking at some shoes and she used to say brown shoes with jeans and I thought, you're so right, Anna.

You are so right. I've always thought you were stupid. You know, I've never met her, but she gives the appearance of someone who's very stupid. But then I thought, no, Anna, she's got judgment. Yeah. That doesn't allow for a burying someone under the patio. I'm not saying that's right.

If anyone's thinking that's okay, it isn't. But do you know when you get emotionally attached to clothing? Good friends, I call them. Yeah. So stuff not that you think, oh, I look great in this. It's just a feel that makes you happy. Everyone's got, I think, something. It might be an old jacket or...

I was very attached to my last pair of trainers. I'd come out of a bad relationship with my previous pair of trainers. Oh, yeah? What happened? I got them on the internet, which is sometimes a difficult way to start a relationship. That's i bought a denim suit i bought a denim suit from a catalog club once and when i arrived it was an actual denim it's what we used to call tesco levi's it was very thin sort of a almost brush denim, but not quite the thin linen type of... And in the picture, he looked like the Marlboro Man. Well, in the shoe shop, you would always try them on.

And I really liked them, the picture, but they only had size 7. And I thought, because it was the internet, I thought, oh, that'd be all right. They were agony. What size do you take? 8. Yeah. That should have been a clue. There's an element in you should have seen that coming.

Yeah, it's true. But then these new ones, they were Adidacs ZX600s. Are you trying to get a free pair now? No, I'm just saying that. Why are you reading them all out? Can I just say in case there's anyone from Adidacs listening, you can stick your trainers. If you send them here, I'll put them straight in the bin.

Stick them in the post for me. Yeah. Yeah, no, very sad. But then they wear out, don't they? if you send them here I'll put them straight in the bin stick them in the post yeah yeah no very sad but then they wear out don't they it's a paraphrase they're like people yeah

they're like people you get more and more attached and then they get a bit smelly and start to go around the edges and then they're gone oh dear you have to bin them that's what happens

anyway if you've got any clothes you're emotionally attached to why don't you tell us about them hey it's a radio show we do that kind of thing you can text us on 81215. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Cross Friar. Brandon Flowers. Brandon Flowers, that is the title of Russell Brown's next documentary for BBC 4, in which he talks about the flora and fauna of Great Britain. I look forward to it. Never mind that. We've had quite an urgent text in, Frank. Urgent? Yeah. Well, it seems it. It says, Bex's text said she can't make

it on a day you're free and vice versa. We'll have to do it in Jan sometime. So... Who? Bex. Bex, yeah. B-E-X. That Bex. Well, I don't know anyone who... Does that mean anything to anyone? No. I don't know anyone common enough to adopt that kind of abbreviation.

Oh, Frank! You do. You know me. It's the kind of thing I do. David Beckham wouldn't text me. Well, I don't know who that is. Maybe it's about him, yeah. Do you think they've sent the wrong... I think they might have. Oh, no. Well, that means that some friend of Bec's who should have got this,

she can't see you when you arrange. You have to do it some later time in Jan. I have to do it in Jan sometime. Well, it is Jan, isn't it? Well, what are they doing in Jan anyway? It all sounds a bit sleazy. We'll have to do it in Jan. Well, I mean, it could just be coffee.

There's nothing sleazy about it. Just because she's called Bex, don't assume that there has to be a trip to Primark factored in. You had one of those this holiday. Yeah, I don't. Well, we'll get to that. I'm still recovering. Yes.

Have we heard anything from the outside world, apart from people who have accidentally texted us? We have. We had one in, didn't we, Gareth, about a rabbit. Yes, it says... It's disappeared. Here we are. It's disappeared?

That'd be some sort of magic trick for you. Was it on The Magicians last Saturday night? We must talk about The Magicians. Struce. That's my review. Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. In an earlier podcast, you were talking about what noise a rabbit makes. When me and my brother were younger, we seemed to think they made the noise nimmie.

I know where this came from. I don't know where this came from. Love the show. Abby from Lincoln, 14. Abby Lincoln. Lincoln Abby. I've been there she's a lovely girl but very gothic um yeah nimi when they do that thing when they know as you can imagine they go nimi nimi i find they go but that's only if you drive over them yeah but um i'd like that yeah've had this debate a long time.

This is someone who's been trawling the old podcasts. Whether rabbits make a noise... I've never heard a rabbit make any noise at all. No, thumping with their feet. Hence the nickname, Thumper, probably. Oh, yeah. I thought he had a heart problem. That was always my assumption.

What else? We've had another email in from Robert Delcini. I'm liking the a heart problem. That was always my assumption. What else? We've had another email in from Robert Delcini. I'm liking the sound of him. Is he in The Sopranos? Oh, I hope so, Frank. Is it mildly threatening? Yes. Is there an air of menace in this email?

Well, it's a curious email. Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. I'm on the train going to work in Melbourne, Australia. How marvellous. Someone has got on the train with two watering cans and a bag of loofahs what do you think he's doing? I think he's probably mopping up the tears

of the Australian cricket fans oh what would he be doing? two watering cans and a bag of loofahs I think it's an impromptu shower device he might not have time quickly when he goes to work he could have a quick rub down so he's going to go and say I didn't have time quickly when he goes to work he could have a quick rub down

so he's going to go and say I didn't have time for a shower this morning because somebody held this watering can above my head and then he's going to loo for himself he might do highly unlikely is that it or are we we have got another one

we got one in from the Philly girls oh the Philly girls well before we do the Philly Girls. Oh, the Philly Girls. Yeah. Well, before we do the Philly Girls, people listen to the show in Philadelphia, in America. They don't listen to the show in Philadelphia. I mean, like an enormous tub of cottage cheese would be disgusting. I wouldn't mind, you know.

But anyway, as a tribute to them, what about this? Today's Elvis's birthday. Is it? Elvis's birthday. Feel free to dance to this. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. You're out of breath, aren't you?

Oh, man, I danced like there was no tomorrow. You danced a little bit. And at my age, if you danced like that, there might be no tomorrow. You had your headphones on. It looked a bit Geoffrey Rush and Shine. Oh, did it? Oh, yeah. I always like to think i dance a bit like jeffrey rush and shine i think he plays a man who's mentally ill does he not oh that was elvis presley viva las vegas um it's his birthday today he would have been uh 1935 1935 what's that 81 he'd have been something like that imagine that

bald completely bald unless he had the ramsanian the ramsanian hair transplant you don't want to go down that road

no I don't you see I like the idea of a chef getting his hair firmly fixed because you don't

want to find it in the gravy yeah but why has the hair transplant affected his eyes have you seen what's happened to his eyes

no his eyes were always like that. He always looks like a man walking into a blizzard. Which, you know, with his stormy personal life, I could hardly be surprised. He's a bit brown shoes and jeans as well. Is he? Yeah, he's a bit brown.

Caramat shoes and jeans. No, he's very clean white trainers and jeans is what I would say. Oh, yes, you're right, Frank. Not brown shoes. we've had to text him um again from peter parker really yeah he's on tonight he says you were talking about magicians before we went to that and he says magicians can't be anywhere near as bad as famous and fearless well look i don't like to criticize other people's shows for goodness sake this isn't perfect and i've i've put out some awful television in my time so you know but I must say

I was asked to do both of those shows, I was asked to do Famous and Fearless and I was asked to do Magicians and I watched, I think Famous and Fearless is you know, that's fine but I was watching Magicians and you know when you hear these people

interviewed who say I was supposed to be at the World Trade Centre that morning but i overslept and you see you lucky that's what i was thinking when i was watching this program that could have been me on there my girlfriend said to me if you'd have done this i would have split up with you well that's what i call the review yeah i would have quite liked to have seen you on one of those little mini scooters. What about Famous and Famous? I'm still on the Magicians. I wanted to pull a rabbit

out of a hat, but not a whole rabbit. Just the head. They wouldn't have it. We've had a text about rabbits. Pointless rabbit fact for you. They make a squealing sound when attacked and a small grunting sound when showing aggression. Do they show aggression, Rabbit?

That's from Charlotte. I don't know. Not often. Famous and fearless is there's too much shouting for me. I can't take that much shouting. From one person in particular. Well, everybody. I know it's in a big arena but shouting, shouting.

It's one long shout. That's my quoted review on the post. One long shout, Frank Skinner. No, and I tell you what, it seems to be that one of the big features, something that is perceived as very exciting, is the audience counting something in. Seven, six. And I thought, I was bored.

You lost me at six. Can we stop now can we just fast forward but no four three I said no I'm not at all excited please stop counting backwards

I mean it's a main feature of the show but oh I mean I wouldn't have who fancy asking me as well someone who is only just about famous and certainly not fearless was it good money John was it good money my manager's in the room yeah I can't believe they asked you. And certainly not fearless. Was it good money? John, was it good money?

My manager's in the room. Yeah. I can't remember. No, he can't remember. Well, it wasn't good money then, so he'd remember. No. Oh, he'd remember all right. But, like I say, it's difficult making good television.

So I've heard. You're quite a weird choice for famous and fearless, though, aren't you, as you say? Yeah, well, I don't think anyone would perceive of me as fearless. Would you ever do one of those reality shows, though, aren't you, as you say? Yeah, well, I don't think anyone would perceive of me as fearless. Would you ever do one of those reality shows, though? Can I just say, one of the stunts they did was driving through paper. I'd have been all right. I would have been all right with that. There was a sheet of paper stretched across an archway,

and they had to drive through it. And this guy said, the thing is, you know, you can't see what's... This guy? That was Claire Balding. Oh, my God. No, it wasn't Claire Balding. OK, OK. No, no, no. OK. It wasn't Claire Balding.

Good. I wish it had been. It was definitely a sheet of paper. It would have been great if you'd have to drive straight to Claire Balding. The last minute she jumped out of the way and then there was just a gaping chasm behind her. Can I say, I don't mean that that's... Yes, I know, I know. Yeah, so he said, the thing is, you know, you don't know, you can't, you know, you're driving blind here.

And I thought, well, you are driving, because you can't see through paper, but it's only paper. Well, that's it. And Chris Evans said, well, I wouldn't do it. And I thought, well, why not? Just do it. And they did it, and it was very unspectacular. I mean, they did it seven, six, five, four, three, two.

Brilliant. God, that was great, everybody. What about that? What about a man driving through paper? Straight through it and a tour. He wasn't worried about a paper cut or anything. I think there was a staple in there. He just ignored it!

I mean, it just gives me a headache. We only have this text service. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texting. Hurrah. And emails. Well, firstly, I'd just like to clear up this whole issue with Bex and the meeting up.

Oh, yeah. Someone sent us the text that I think they didn't mean to send. Is that right? Just basically saying, can we meet up in Jan sometime, Bex? It says it's from Dan. He was the sender. Well, I don't know if it's a he. Well, that's true.

It could be a Danielle. He says that was not supposed to find your inbox. Yeah, well, I've heard that before. And I'm sure you have. I was going to say. Very sorry. I haven't heard that much. Don't, don't.

Now, I've used it a few times. He says, so you know, Bex is a workmate, and we wanted to arrange a date for swapping Christmas gifts due to a snow stopping delay Dan you know what I'm worried about

this is that Dan is a bloke Bex is a workmate it's there's a bit of a frisson and the whole thing has been I mean this could

be a sitcom cloth the whole thing has been exposed by accidentally sending the text to her right

the wife is listening I was going to say why are you meeting her are we just swapping some late Christmas for my eye? That's what's going on there this morning. That's what she's like, Dan. Have you not met Dan's wife?

She has an old-fashioned turn of phrase. It's a thing I like about her, but I think with him it's started to drag, basically. I'll tell you something, though. You know, if you never did anything else in your life, just to have written that,

brilliant. Yeah. Okay, anything else? Yeah, Simon in Hyde said the interesting thing about the Franco-Prussian war was the impact on French cultural identity and the concept of the Union Sacre. Is that right? I'm not aware of the Union Sacre. Would that be the sacred union?

I think it's a phrase I heard Arthur Scargill use once It was a political truce in France in which the left wing agreed during World War I not to oppose the government nor to call any strike Sounded almost as if you were reading that out That's how good and clear your diction Well thanks for that

We asked for any interesting points about the Franco-Prussian War. I must admit I wasn't completely serious, but I love it when people join in. I love it. Yeah. And Amanda Taunton, another Australian. A lot of Australians listening at this time of day. Yeah, but I love them at the moment.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all over an Antipodean. Yeah, I've seen that. I'm with you, Frank. I don't know. It's the pouch that puts me off. I hope for the pouch. I find that when you're having slap and tickle,

there's a... He does that, you know, that you can hear the pouch. For the world's fattest man. I'm with you, Frank. I hate squeezing my feet into narrow shoes. I like wide. Wide is good. Like there's a party going on in my shoes.

Thank you, Amanda from Australia. Yeah, I wouldn't say... In my brown extra wide, it's Like there's a party going on in my shoes. Thank you, Amanda from Australia. Yeah, I wouldn't say... In my brown extra wide, it's not so much a party. It's that... You know when you see a scene from an old people's home and there's a lot of people sitting with their mouths open in a circle around a television set? It's like that. Wine and cheese party, maybe. Well, maybe. I don't know what you're saying about my feet.

Oh, no, sorry. Yeah, OK. Ah, marvellous. If I play that three times, will it be a Jerry hat trick? Shut up. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Three Balls of Mint.

Absolute Radio. Is it me? Do you find that when you watch films and TV nowadays, you don't hear a lot of the stuff they say? Can you back me up on this? No. No, I'm not backing you up. Well, what? Explain.

Did you see Zen, the new cop show? Oh, the Venetian detective. Yeah, well, he's Venetian, but he's set in Rome. Oh, does he speak English then? Oh, yeah, he speaks English. It's all in English. Oh, it's a cop-out. It's not a cop-out. It was a cop-out, and sometimes it was a cop-in, but anyway.

And the whole show for me, I'm going, what did he... It was quite... If you can imagine... It was quite... If you can imagine... HE LAUGHS HE LAUGHS He's there! Checking the phone. Hey, Steve, you...

Steve, you've never said it? Well, it was driving me out of my mind. I heard probably 70%, and it was quite a complex. I'm not looking for the subtitles. Has it come to that? It's like being chatted up at a party. Yeah, it is. It's exactly like being chatted up at a party.

Yes, I lost interest halfway through. Anyway, on the American theme, what happened to the Philly girls? Oh, yeah. Oh, the Philly girls. We had email in from them, didn't we, Gav? Yes. The Philly girls, they used to listen to the show all the time, but I thought they'd separated.

Have they reunited? Reunited, and it's on. When you say separated, they weren't all in a relationship, were they? No, they were at college together. We only imagined they were in a relationship. No, I didn't. The email says, Hi, Frank, Gareth, and our chic fairy godmother, Emily.

Oh. Merry Christmas from the Philly girls. We have all been listening to the podcast on our own and have been talking about pedestrian racing. So they've been listening to it by themselves. Oh, individually now. Leslie decided to finally try it out and was left with quite a bruised ankle.

She dared try and overtake an angry mother doing her Christmas shopping. Malls in America are dangerous. Also, is there a trick to doing it that you English are keeping a secret? Merry Christmas from your biggest fans in Philadelphia. Samantha, Leslie, Aria, Cassie and Alison. Lovely. Well, it's lovely to hear from them.

It's something sad about them listening individually. I know what you mean. Yeah, it reminds me of that terrible sinking feeling when they take that split up. Do you remember that? But as we can see, there's hope. There's hope. If four of you think this is our last chance, I'm sick of working in B&Q, and then one of you has a breakdown,

the next thing you know, you're all back together again. It's lovely to hear from the girls. I think the secret with the pedestrian racing in America is give a lot of the very, very fat people a wide berth. A lot of them had a wide berth, let's face it. I would hope so. Yeah. Did you see the man, the homeless man?

Oh, I love the homeless. There's a bloke called Ted Williams. Oh, I love the homeless. Yeah, and he was... You know what the homeless like? They like a cardboard sign. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a handwritten cardboard sign know what the homeless like? They like a cardboard sign. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a handwritten cardboard sign.

A slightly sulky one. Yeah, they have a very distinctive, I'm sure if I wrote a cardboard handwritten sign, it wouldn't look quite authentic. There's a whole genre. Yeah. And he had one of those, and it says, former radio announcer looking for work.

And they had an interview. This is a clip of the bloke. And he's a very, I mean, he looks like a proper raggedy old homeless bloke. He's called Ted Williams. This is what he said. When you're listening to nothing but the best of oldies, you're listening to Magic 98.9. Now, can

you imagine a homeless bloke saying that to you? This is Ted Williams from a cardboard box in Victoria Station. And he's got a job. It's a really exciting, lovely, wonderful story. Do you know what I like as well, Frank, is that when he was holding up,

the man had stopped to film him and was talking to him. And even when he was holding up the piece of cardboard on an exit ramp, he was going, thank you, thank you. He was quite grand, like he was at a premiere or something. But he's felt like, well, thank you for speaking to me today. I mean, it is an incredible... He had a brilliant voice. It is.

I don't know if this is a politically correct thing to say, but it's wasted on a homeless man. Well, no, he's not. Well, not any longer. He's been discovered. What kind of announcements do they make? I've passed many a one, and they've said stuff, but it's never been what you'd call an announcement.

It's always had an air of pleading. Yeah. And by the way, Milton Jones is our guest today, and I'm excited about that. Great way to kick off the year. He'll be with us after the news. I've got the adverts coming up. I think we should count

them in. Seven, six, five. Can I just stop you there and say, you said seven and I said eight. I've taken the mickey out of this. It's not as easy as it sounds. Let's try again. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Ever. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, dear, I walked straight into a power cord. No, that's actually, there's blood there. I've walked straight into that. I always feel that Absolute are never happier with me

than when I'm playing Oasis. I feel that all is right in the world of Absolute. We were just having a little chat there about whether or not the producer could slap my face if I said something saucy to her, whether that would still be legally allowed. I don't know. Not that I would ever say anything saucy to the producer.

I see her as like, she's like a sister to me. That's reassured everyone. Yeah, it's reassured everyone. Yes, very much. But, yeah, can you still do that if a man says well, you're looking rather shapely to... Oh! Could I do you for a salt, Emma, if you did that?

Well, let's find out. No, it's not. Anyway, it's not going to happen. Why worry about what might have been? That's what I said to the production team of the magicians. Cheer up, I said. Forget it. They were sawing each other in half by the end of it. So people are probably sitting on the edge of their seats

if they heard the midweek podcast a couple of weeks ago about how my optician's follow-up appointment went. Yeah, well, we've had um we've had a lot of uh texts and emails about it yeah we had one we had one sanskrit scroll in an old pottery uh thing there's a lot of buzz about it yeah well i want to know well it was quite a different experience i had quite a nice experience at that time the optician was a friendly fabio capello like man like a woman so you're not that good as it turned out not good but then can i can i just say just as a bit of background is is what is it a short sight problem yes i'm short sighted

okay okay um and i had i tried out daily disposable lenses where usually i had monthly and that's what i was trying out. So I went back and it was a different optician doing the contact lenses. And the other guy was friendly. This was more of a bearded serial killer type doctor. Okay, that kind of doctor. But you're a bit bearded serial killer at the moment. You've grown a beard.

It was a bit of a clash of the titans. Yeah. And I said, I noticed going in that one of my eyes, the vision was very good, almost too good. Too good? Too good. Is it bordering on X-ray vision? And then the other eye was a bit blurry. So I thought, maybe, I said to the guy, either...

Can I just ask you actually define too good well like a bit too like when i would get new glasses everything's a bit sort of too clear and it sort of freaks you out a bit was that the was that his diagnosis you want life to be essentially like an impressionist painting you don't want clowns it's what what i was doing is i was wearing the wrong contact lens in the wrong eyes so one of them them was doing things too much. And so we tested the eyes a bit. He didn't know what was going on, so I had to describe, I'll come back because I've been trying out these new lenses.

And then he looked at the eyes and goes, yes, I think you have put them in the wrong eyes. And then, without saying anything else, he came up to me... And slapped you hard across the face. So it is legal. Got hold of my face, and with his big old man hands, popped my contact lenses out. Oh, dear. One at a time.

What, just by squeezing your head? By squeezing, no, by squeezing this funny movement with my eyelid. Oh, you can't see that at home, obviously, but it looks like a man squeezing a big spot. Yeah, like squeezing a big spot. And then swap them round and then just stuck them in the other eyes. That can't be right. You can't do it like that. Besides, one of your eyes could be terribly diseased.

Yeah, yeah. They've both got it now. Yeah. And, you know, if you change contact lenses, you usually put a bit of solution on. So one of them was... Has he registered this man? I don't know what he is. I felt terribly abused by that man.

Did he at any point say... When you're listening to nothing but the best of all these, you're listening to Magic 98.9. He feels like he might be a homeless who's just wandered in and said, what kind of fun can we get up to here? He seems to have very little grasp of how things are, because you should ask someone before...

Before you take their contact lenses out, I always think that. I've had my face slapped for doing that before, actually. You know, we'll have these out as well while you're getting undressed. I've done that. Also, you should ask before placing your hands on someone's face.

Yes, I agree with that. You know? And before touching the eyeball. before i'm not bothered about that you know i think if you're actively touching someone else's eyeball you want a bit of permission up front yeah so what did you do i just well did you wrestle him to the ground no i was just quietly i didn't know what to do but and the thing was then in one eye it went in okay but the other one it wasn't't moist, it was all horrible. Oh, God, was it a fold?

You know when you get a fold? I could see nothing. And then he was saying, can you read the second line? And I was like, well, I can't see anything now, because usually if I put them in, I would have used a little bit of solution. It's terribly dry now. Well, good, at least you were getting emotional.

It would have moistened them a little. Yeah. Yeah. So how did you leave it with this terrible, terrible man? Did you have a slight meltdown in the optician? Well, I managed to not do it. I'm getting monthly lenses. Yeah, well, you don't want to be going back there on a regular basis. I personally, I'd put in a complaint.

I should do, yeah. My eye. I'll tell you how it goes. Or rather, your eye. Yeah, okay. Milton Jones will be with us after this, and then we'll talk to him. There's no point in just coming in here and sitting there.

It's kind of trailing, why don't you? It won't work on radio, that. By the way, Milton Jones was here for those last three links. He's just gone. What a nice-looking lad. Anyway, he'll be here soon. That'll be good. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Milton Jones has joined us, our first guest of 2011.

Good morning. Hey, hello. Good morning. How are you? I'm very well, thanks. And may I say, you look splendid. I'm slightly worried that your hair's a bit flat and normal. Yes, well, it's sort of unnecessary for radio, hopefully, but apparently not. Well, I read it was a kind of a psychological thing, that when you put your hair up and all spiky and mad,

that means you're ready to rock. It gives me five seconds as well in Romford on a Monday night, because I used to go in and just do gags as myself. Yeah. I mean, sometimes it really worked and sometimes it really wouldn't. But if you stick your hair up and put on a silly shirt, people go, oh, he's mad. And somehow that's a lot less threatening.

Oh, I see. You should try it. I'm going to go. I'm a bit short on the hair, to be honest. Ken Dodd, of course, one could argue was doing this many years ago. So speaking of hair, you are here hot

from a corporate gig last night. Yeah, I did a corporate thing for some hair care product people. I think it was Schwarzkopf or someone like that. Oh, yes, I know them. Do you know them? No, I'm familiar with their work. Emily knows all the products.

Really? So I see. How dare you? My hearing's going off this side. I thought you said you'd done a corporate gig for Hair Bear. I don't think he's working. Is he still alive? Well, there's a bunch of them there. But, yeah, what was my first line? I was walking along today and someone threw some shampoo at me,

but it turns out it was real poo. I like it. Now, this is... If you've never seen Milton live, it is a relentless, you are one of, I would say, probably only three or four comics I know who just does one-liners. Yeah. It's like, it's totally lean meat, your act. Oh, tell me about it. And I can write all day and end up with ten seconds at the end of the day that I can add to my act.

Yeah. So when I'm going on tour or something, that's, you know, an hour and a half is a lot of 10 seconds it is isn't it so how long did it take to put this you're on tour you're about to go on tour yeah starting the week in Stafford uh 90 day tour and it took me probably about a year to get all this stuff together it is I mean it's it's scary and how did it go with the hairdressers did they it was fine actually a woman heckled me and I said, what do you do? She said, I work in the call centre. I said, I'm just going to put your heckle on hold.

Which is important to me, but here's some music. I like the fact that they have a call centre at Schwarzkopf. For complaints. Yeah, many complaints are coming in that they need to put people on hold. It's scary, isn't it? I've had Schwarzkopf and my hair's not all that short. I find. We should explain that corporate gigs, by the way,

my people don't know what they are, they're kind of sort of business people who hire a comedian for a bit of entertainment. Yes, and they can be absolutely awful because you're just one part of a lot of things that are happening in an evening. And they can say, oh, it's all running late, can you go on? And it's the loo break, and 40 of them are Japanese and don't speak English,

and there's a big gap. Well, you know what it's like. Yes. It can be a nightmare. Or it can be really nice, but it's the fear of not knowing what it's going to be like that's actually the trouble. So was it just you last night, or were you on with Dancing Girls and things? No, well, not that, no.

It was just me. I nearly went to the wrong one one because often you go to a hotel and there are lots of events in the same place and I was in the wrong one for ten minutes. You're joking. No, no. What was that one? I think it was Financial Advisors.

Oh, right. I think they'd still laugh at the shampoo, wouldn't they? Well, probably, yeah. In as much as Financial Advisors are laughing at anything at all at the moment. Yeah, that's true. So you've been, so the one line of thing I'm kind of fascinated by,

is that something, when you aspired to be a comedian, did you think, I want to be one of those comics who does one-liner gag, one-liner gag, one-liner, or did it just, did you evolve? It evolved. I think it was partly because I was so terrified when I started doing it. I had to get to the laugh as quickly as possible.

So I'm not one of those comics who goes on and busks an idea and sees where the laughs are. I've just got to get to the laugh as quickly as possible. So I'm not one of those comics that goes on and busks an idea and sees where the laughs are. I've just got to get to the laugh as quickly as possible. And if you take everything else out of a line, then that's what you've got, a one-liner. Yeah. It's odd because to me it seems more frightening because it seems to me that there's no...

Sometimes I'll do a gag and because my thing is quite conversational, if it doesn't get a laugh, I'll pretend that wasn't actually a punchline. That was just me on the way somewhere else. But you really know with yours whether it's... And you've got to have lots of ways of getting out of no-one laughing. You've got disclaimers of various kinds. I'll start in a minute.

Or whatever it is, because it can go horribly fast. It's either death or glory. What a fabulous attitude. How many people can say that about their jobs? Obviously, some people who work in massively dangerous jobs. But also, one line of comics. That's about it. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute.

Radio. Hang the DJ. Yes, we don't want any texts on that topic. But we do have some nice texts on Milton. Oh, do we? He's very popular with our listeners. Do you mean Milton Jones, our guest this morning? Yeah, I do. Or Milton, the 17th century poet?

They're about Paradise Lost, actually. Yeah, well, I'd like to hear. As Samuel Johnson said, no man ever wished it longer. Nicola, who just says, Milton Jones was awesome at the Glasgow University. QMU?

Yes, that was a bell. One of my favourite comedians. You also get a name check here. Gareth and Rod Gilbert combo. Gareth. But yeah, and also we've had another one in Milton saying I've imagined a sketch with Milton in a room

entranced by a blue bottle flying around him. Don't ask why. Does he plan to do some sketches? What? I don't know. It's a sketch idea. Yeah, it is. I'll write that down. Don't dismiss it out of hand. No, it's true. He could be the next Ricky Gervais,

this guy. Yeah. It's true. That's what you've got to do. People offer you jokes as well. People say to me, you can put this in one of your skits. Yes, skits. I don't have any skits. I don't know what a skit is. Yeah.

I'll put it in one of my skips. That's what I'll do with it. My kids have found out that there's money in jokes as well, and they try and write me stuff. How old are your kids? 20, 18, and 15. Oh, OK okay i was thinking but that's been the case for a while now so what you have to do is say no that's rubbish i can't

use that and write it down secretly and then use it later you wouldn't steal one of your own children's jokes it's all in the same family isn't it you're one of these men that has the bread and life in in the slot of the piggy bank just taking out a couple of pounds. Yes, but money's to feed them, after all. Yeah. You're not still feeding them when they're 20. You'd be surprised. Well, I'm seeing you as a big mother bird, with them as gaping mouths.

That's how I'm seeing them. I can do that. So you wrote a book. I did. About comedy. Yes, yes, I did did in my spare moments it was project number three for a couple of years as it were okay so whenever i had a spare day or two i'd return to it and it it's basically uh what's it called uh where do comedians go when they die it's basically uh the career of a comedian but in terms of the journeys because as you know we do more

hour for hour, we're more paid travellers than we are comedians. And I just thought it would sort of like, going to his first open spot, and then years later, Jaded doing stuff on telly. But you just described the journeys. So it's about planes and trains and cars. Oh, OK.

And people you're with. But also about the mindset of, you know... And it's all your own experience? Yeah. Well, actually, but also about the mindset of, you know... And it's all your own experience? Yeah. Well, actually, it's about a third me, a third people I know, and a third I've made up to sort of make it work. You've made it up? Yeah.

I don't believe it. Yeah. Well, that's because you've made it up, probably. Yeah. But I like to think it's authentic in terms of the tenor of the book. Yeah. And is that out now? Could I buy that today?

Yeah, absolutely. I'll send you one if you're desperate. Oh, God, I'd love to read it. No, I do. As well as being a comic, I'm slightly fascinated by comedy, if you know what I mean. Yes, I know.

Comedians. I know, I know. They're an interesting lot, I think. What do you think, Emily? You've known a few. I've known a few, yeah. Let's leave it there, shall we? Well, I'm waiting for that book.

That'll be that'll be brilliant so on the on tour if anyone is planning to see milk well obviously there are people if anyone is um so what will you use a support act or you didn't yes i will every time i go on tour i think i'll write so much that i won't even need a support act but of course at the last minute i probably need about three so yes i will have a support act and what i do is i go out and do 15 minutes at the top myself as my grandfather and then i have a support act okay and then uh you're nicking his material as well basically it's a family thing and uh then i do the whole of the second half okay so uh So, because one-liners, you don't want too many of them, do you? Well, I saw you at Comedia in Brighton.

Oh, yeah. Do an hour. And I'd have happily had another 20 or so. You stormed it. Absolutely stormed it. I'd recommend you go and see Milton. And what you'll do, though, which is another thing about you,

is that people must use your jokes all the time at work. Oh, yes, no, absolutely. I switched on the radio the other day and some DJ, you know what they're like. Yes. Hang the DJ, that's what I said. And it's usually a paraphrase. It's never quite exactly the same. That's the worst.

Not only steal it, but spoil it slightly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Do you know what I was fascinated by this week? Very exciting. Derek Okora. I mustn't feel, oh sorry.

Derek Okora has made his predictions for 2011. Oh thank goodness. You know the new year is such a time, you know, it's all unknown. You don't know what's going to happen. We don't. There's the island of security where you know, well at least I know that these things are going to happen. We don't. There's the island of security where you know, well, at least I know that these things are going to happen.

How marvellous. Yeah, so what's Derek... Some amazing things. I wish Derek could say something really terrifying. Have you seen his face? Yeah, but if he said something like there'll be a massive nuclear attack on East Anglia or something like that,

where would that go down in Colchester? Well, can I just say, I do remember he did say last year that Cheryl and Ashley Cole will be having a baby. That's what I think he predicted for this year. So he got that bit wrong. He's just misread baby. A little bit wrong. It said divorce.

What's his spirit medium bloke called? Is it Joe? It's Sam. Sam. Sam probably said... Is that like his what's his spirit medium bloke call is it joe it's sam sam sam sam probably said uh is that like his help his assistant yeah he's from the spirit guide yes i think um world of sports you used to do that with dickie davis and um yes sam i think he was was he an 18th century um stable worker, 18th century sort of work experience. He doesn't play him. He's like an intern. No, no, I'm on about when he was alive.

Oh, I'm sorry, his real life, yeah. I don't think he knew him when he was alive. Oh, OK. No, he doesn't hang around with many alive people, Derek McCord. He's a bit snobby, that one. Anyway, Sam said to him, yeah, that Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole were going to have a baby last year. And this is what you get if you listen to the tittle-tattle of 18th century stable house. You know, they think they know all about what's going on in the manor house.

They know nothing. But what he actually said, though, in his defence, is Cheryl and Ashley Cole will be committed to a baby. Right. And who knows what that means? Yeah, yeah. I wish he'd said Cole will be committed to a baby. Right. And who knows what that means? Yeah, yeah. I wish he'd said they'll be committed. Yeah. That would have been brilliant.

They may have just have made... So what's he said for this year? What's his prediction? Oh, well, new man for Kerry Katona. Oh, well, I think we can all predict there will be quite a few new men. I don't know if I'd have said it in the singular But no at last he will be a very good soul

Oh David's soul It happens very slowly I hope it's not David's soul It's a good job she's doing the workout video She's going to have to be doing some docking and diving when DS comes in after a few beers No disrespect if you're listening

Actually a little bit of disrespect I'm not a fan of domestic violence. He says it happens very slowly. Can I just establish? It happens slowly? David Soule? What's going on? I'm not besmirching him. He was gone. Did he get done for domestic violence? There was a bit of bother. Okay, let's say

it's alleged. It might not have happened. If you're listening, David, I apologise. If you didn't do it, I apologise. If you did do it, well, you can't see that gesture on air, but there it goes. Yeah, exactly. It happens very... So this is the new man. It happens very slowly, phone calls, exchanging numbers.

And that would be slowly, because if you start with the phone calls before you exchange numbers... Well, exactly. ..that really slows things down. Yeah, it does. Just dialing random numbers. I suppose if you're Derek McCaw, you can do that sort of thing. He can do that. He's forgotten that us, me and Morty...

He says... Ma, Ma, Ma, are you all right? Ma, I don't know how to do that. Who wants that phone call when you haven't even given her your number? Let's have some music. We'll come back to Derek. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Ah, walls come tumbling down. In case there's any ice cream fans, this isn't the business news. Everything's OK on that front. That was style cancel. So we were talking about Derek Okora. I can talk about Derek Okora forever. What else does he predict?

Well, that'll come in handy for him. Yeah. Peter Andre meets woman of his dreams. Of his dreams or Derek Okora's dreams? He meets some 18th century serving wench. A lot of cleavage, I'm imagining. A lot of cleavage and a sort of

terrible goiter on the neck. Some call it Derbyshire neck. I call it the technical term the goiter. The big news for Peter Andre, I see him becoming disappointed with his recording career. Well, welcome to the rest of our world. I've been disappointed with his recording career since 1986. I don't think he's even doing it, though.

He says about Cher Lloyd, I can see her being a big success, but in an underground sense. From the Northern Line. She's not going to be his next voice from the grave, is she? Oh no, Cher Lloyd's going to die. Edge Sam out.

Sam's out of a job. She's doing a cut-off between Jay-Z and this is the rap she's doing. That's what it is. Derek is obviously thinking I'm going to move into rap. How can I kill Cher Lloyd and claim that she's my communication in the spirit world? Sorry, move over, Sam. That's all I'm saying.

Can I tell you what I like about Derek Okora? He says I'm afraid a lot. He says, Charles will become king, but it will be a very short reign, I'm afraid. Yeah. Yes. That's another big prediction, isn't it? How old is Charles? Sixty. Yes.

We need to... Yes. I'll tell you what I like about Derek Okora. Nothing. Next week. What about his jewellery? Oh, he's got the easiest job. Couldn't I say? Let me give you some predictions over this year coming up. David Cameron will have a difficult time in the middle of the year,

but he will have some high spots as well. Middle of the year. Yeah, there you go. I bet you that comes true. Something a bit more far-fetched. Chris Evans will stop shouting. OK. Next week, Andy Osho is our guest. Lovely. a bit more far-fetched. Chris Evans will stop shouting. OK? Next week, Andy Osho is our guest.

Lovely. And Not The Weekend podcast will be available from Wednesday. That is the podcast that we do that is not part of this show. It's only available as a podcast in case you don't know what it is. And, um...

Yes. God bless you all. What am I... Oh, yeah. Bye. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning.

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