The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Reece Shearsmith

Episode Date: November 20, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about Charles Bronson's butter incident, the X Factor crowds and ghost stories with Reece Shearsmith.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. I feel the whole ambiance

of the studio has changed today. Why? Well, there's an ambiance strike, for a start. Oh. Do you not like the candles I've put out? Well, they're all right, but where do you get them from? Anne Somers.

I'm not liking the shape. You don't like the shape? No, I don't like the shape. I find that unnerving. Why has the ambience changed? Well, because a very on-Garrett thing happened this morning. He sort of registered the fact that Emily was wearing a see-through top today. Don't get the listeners all worried.

It's not totally... I haven't turned off my underwear. All worried. I think the webcam has just exploded as men all over... No, but what I like about Gareth, he doesn't have that kind of blokey, blokey

look at her about him. But today a terrible shadow went across him. You know when you're on the beach on holiday and a shadow goes across you? You think, no, it was so lovely and warm, and no, it's cold and stark. It was like that. I'm not made of stone. No.

Flesh and blood. You're just happy to see me, what is it? All he said was, I just, I took my jacket off. Oh, no, do we have to relive the moment? And he just went, oh. Oh, no. Do we have to relive the moment? And he just went, oh. Yeah, exactly. That's all he said. It was the slight bead of saliva in the corner of the mouth.

I just noticed. We discourage that, I mean. Bear in mind, the average absolute listener is a 38-year-old man in a black T-shirt. Saying, where's Whitesnake? They don't need encouraging to do that. We're discouraging. What is that new kind of man that they're talking about in the papers? Oh, 4D man.

4D, four-dimensional. Yeah. Gareth was very four-dimensional this morning. He's certainly three-dimensional from where I was sitting. So anyway, if you want to text us about anything this morning, we're on 8-12-15. Yes, it's a silly number, but I didn't come up with it. And our guest is Jeremy Hardy,

which I must say I'm very excited about, because when I first started as a stand-up comedian, Jeremy Hardy was, I think the phrase is, the bee's knees. Small, dark, hairy, slightly covered in pollen. No, no, he was really, he was, you know, what one wanted to be. So that's very exciting. I don't mean a socialist revolutionary. I mean, he was a very funny comic and still is.

So I'm looking forward to that very much. I should be straight off after this show. Are you? I got a phone call last night. I was needed. So where are you off to? I'll be off to the BBC Centre. BBC Setpaw's Centre? Yeah, BBC

Centre. I'm just trying to remember which part of the BBC I was going to. What are you doing there? Well, I'll tell you what. I'm being interviewed by Miranda Hart. Oh, I like her. Oh, she's great. But I tell them I'm being interviewed for... You know when you watch someone's show and you get like the red dot in the corner of the screen?

Oh, yeah. And you press the red dot. Oh, the interactive button. Yes. Yeah. And then, so when a sitcom starts, you'll press the red dot, or you might not, but you have the option to press the red dot

and then it'll go to her interviewing me. In other words... Why is she interviewing you for her show? Don't say it so rudely like that, Gareth. Pervy, disrespectful. What's happened to you? I suppose you'd rather I did Pamela Anderson in your current mode.

No, what do you mean? It's just an extra bit. For her show. So it's her show that's on telly. Well, she'll interview a different person every week. Oh, I see, OK. Do you see? Yeah.

So, yes, I've reached a point now where I'm doing red dot work. That's how bad stuff has got. I'm not even on the main. You have to manipulate your handset to even get to me. I'll watch you. I'll press the red button

where you're concerned. We'll interact. We've had enough interaction from you this morning, madam. So, anyway, Jeremy Hardy's on. You can text us on 81215. Emily's on webcam number three today. Vocate.

That's all that's what I say. I love her. Vote for her. Although I have got a bit of a soft spot now for One Direction. What? I've discovered, I am informed, that the one with the big fringe,

I know they've all got a big fringe. They've all got a big fringe. Nobody's got it particularly. He looks like he's being clasped by Chewbacca. You can imagine Chewbacca's holding him by the head. That's something of a fantasy of mine. Yeah, is it really? Yeah.

Carrous. Yeah, apparently he's a season ticket holder at the Bromley Road end of West Bromwich. Chewbacca. Not Chewbacca. You wouldn't want to be stood behind him. No, the guy from One Direction is a season ticket holder at West Bromwich Albion. So obviously,

I mean, he ain't no Katie Weasel. No. But I'm sort of backing him, I guess. And relax. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Foo Fighters.

Foo Fighters, of course course they're a fairly iconic band not as iconic as their previous manifestation Nirvana but speaking of iconic bands guess what I did this week guess what I did does it involve

West Bromwich Albion it usually does an iconic band it involves an iconic band yes did you get in a fight with ABBA I got in a fight with Britain. It was an iconic gastric band.

No, I laid down a track. I say I laid down a track with the Fairport Convention. Oh. You know Fairport Convention? I do. Leith and Leach. Gareth doesn't. He's pretending to.

They are there. They are the very godfathers of folk rock. Yeah, they were folk. So they said, we're doing a song about the ukulele. It's about the history of the ukulele. Where does the time go? Sorry, that's not a reflection on the show. But I like that song.

She's preparing a meal in the corner there, just adding the herbs. She's preparing a meal in the corner there, just adding the herbs. Gordon Ramsay's opened a small restaurant in here. That's all he can afford at the moment. Oh, he's got nasty. Anyway, that's another story. He asked me to work as his manager. I wouldn't have anything to do with it.

My God, did that hurt. Is that what he said? We just had a text from him saying that, about what Frank just said. What, from the... Yeah, Gordon Ramsay. My God, did that hurt. Oh, come on. That that what he said? We just had a text from him saying that, about what Frank just said. What, from the... Yeah, Gordon Ramsay. My God, did that hurt. Oh, come on. That's what he said. I think he should have sent an open lettuce.

Perhaps that was a mix-up. Send an open lettuce, will you, to the mirror. Not an open lettuce. Oh, come on. You, Ryan. No, you can't say the words. No, you can't say the words. No, you can't say the words. So anyway, I went across to this

cottage in Oxfordshire, which is where you want to meet Fairport Convention, because all those, if you look at any of those old folk rock legends, read about their albums. There's a fantastic book, if you have any interest in that kind of music at all, there's a book called Electric Eden, which I'd very much recommend. And these bands, like Incredible String Band and and fair but they always hire a cottage

somewhere they just go there and they just they they do various things and they make music man don't like the sound of the various things well i don't want to go into too much detail this some of the morning some of it involved you know things that come in small packets oh um no no i didn't mean that okay gareth don't give me that look um so uh so rick rick the uh the violin player he's such a sweet he's one of the sweetest what's his name rick yeah rick or very 70s musician i like that and now he's brilliant he wears the ethnic hats you Small ethnic hat. In fact, we had a photo took at one point. We had me ukulele out. And he said, oh, hold on.

I'll change my hat. And he went off. What, Tommy Cooper? He went off in one ethnic hat and come back in one almost exactly the same and said, oh, that's better. Anyway, so I tell you the kind of guy he is. He lives alone, right? And when you get there, you do think, there are big pluses. I'd never want to give up my calf,

but there are big pluses to living alone when you're kids. You must know this. The ethnic cats are just the start of it. You must have had the odd one left behind. There's the odd fez lying around. The odd fez on the bedpost. Just like that. So this is what Rick what it was quite cold

in his cottage right um and he all he was wearing i mean he has like you know jeans trainers and he's got like a fairport convention to a t-shirt on which is all i've ever really seen him in and he's got a box of those in the garage. I'm guessing. So he said, oh, it's getting a bit cold. So he went off into his room. He come back in with a different to a T-shirt over the top of the other one. Oh, good on him for that. I thought that was a little insight into his wardrobe. And Bobby Bragg was there. Billy Bragg?

No, Bobby Bragg. Oh, sorry. Is that the brother? Oh, no, not Billy Bragg. You know, Marky Smith. They once asked Marky Smith, the lead singer with The Four, in an interview, what frightened him, and he says,

Billy Bragg in a lift. You know Bobby Bragg? I'll explain about Bobby. We have certain commitments to the advertising business. Oh, gosh. I'll be back with Bobby Bragg. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, be back with bobby bragg this is frank skinner on absolute radio so um so i was meanwhile we're in the cottage in the cottage in oxford chat that the fairport convention violinist is at one side

wearing two two two t-shirts you try saying two two t-shirts that'd be a great um new write that down i'm always looking for a new tongue twister. Two to a T-shirt. So, anyway, Bobby Bragg is a comic, right? And I assume Bobby Bragg is not his real name. This is in the days when comics always used to change their names. Hang on, why was Bobby Bragg there then? He's a mate. He's a mate.

Oh, anyone just turns up. Well, he used to be the warm-up on a TV show I used to do, so I know him from that, and then it all comes together. He's got great stories. He was on a cruise once with Burt Whedon. You know Burt Whedon, Tuna Day? He wrote the great guitar tutor that the Beatles and everyone learned from. Oh, OK.

Oh, yes, I have heard of that, yeah. Burt Whedon. And they were on... So this is the kind of story Bobby has he said we're on this we're in the middle of nowhere says Burt Whedon

comes in and says I've just seen a bloke go back on a go past on a lilo they're in like the middle of the ocean and it was a dead person oh god

and it was apparently they used to it was a kind of a funereal rite in the Pacific Islands. They'd put them on a raft and just let them go. And they just thought it was cheaper with the lilo. So they put those dead bodies going past on lilos. I don't know if they had the cocktail with the umbrella.

Let's hope not. Anyway, so that was, we went there. Have you ever thought about changing your name, Gareth? I have thought, my mum said that if I wanted to changing your name, Gareth? I have thought... My mum said that if I wanted to change my name, it would be OK. I think you should stand by that. I think she's right.

Was that a hint? Yeah. Was that what you call regret, maybe, in her voice? If you don't want to drag our family into the mire, that's fine. And did you consider it? No, I'm quite attached to it. I did, you know know that thing where i joined spotlight to try and get acting jobs and never have that's an actor's director yes it's not it's

not a thing for thin dogs no um and for that i had to change my name because there was already a gareth richards so what i did was my middle name is john so hyphenated, so in that my name is Gareth John Richards. Where's the hyphen? That's horrible. Between John and Richards. Gareth John Richards. Oh, no, I don't like that. That is horrible.

So there was a place to play up front for the wolves, called John Richards, and it sounds like you've deliberately tried to muddle yourself. My dad's called John Richards. Is he? But why would you hyphenate? He used to be Gareth Wolves. Also, three first names. What the hell's going on there?'s called John Richards. Is he? But why would you hyphenate Gareth? Also, three first names. What the hell's

going on there? Gareth John Richards. Yeah, I don't like it, Frank. I don't like it one bit. You could have gone for the initial in the middle, couldn't you? Gareth J. Richards. As you know, as in the Stephen K. Amos. No, you can't do that. Why are you making up the rules? You can't do that.

No, that was what they told us. They said that... Hasn't stopped Stephen K. Amos. That's all I'm saying. No. He shortened that Kenrick and he did it well. I don't know if it was Kenrick, but... No, I heard so.

Yeah. I think it was claustrophobia. I don't know why I said that, but I did. Have we had any texts yet? I'm worried that... No, they are. We haven't got the power on. Well, they... We forgot't got the power on.

We've had a couple. We've had bring back the robot newsreader. Yeah, I don't think we can comment on the newsreader. You know when I said BBC Centre, I think that's because I was listening to the newsreader who felt like he was reading it all from fridge magnets. You know those fridge magnets when you can do poetry with? You just did a word at a time. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke. Don't get me wrong. You can text us on 8-12-15 in case you've forgotten.

I fear they've forgotten. We had a text from somebody called Jill. And it says, are reflash flames, reflash flames incidents. I should explain that we were talking, I think it was last week, about when you're going out with someone, or you're just starting to go out, and they say or do something, it's like a little flash frame, and you think, oh, no, it's not going to work for us.

I wanted to mention that apart from wedding bands, I can't bear jewellery on men. I'm sure Emily will back me up on that. No, I'll back you up to the hills if a man's got a wedding band surely that means that you can't be interested in him well that hasn't stopped you this morning

I actually had a tweet in on this subject can I say that I have been very much affected in many years ago I was watching Laverne and Shirley do you remember that TV program it's a spin-off from happy days and shirley i think whoever was the redhead said um i think that was shirley she said um never trust a man in a pinky ring right a pinky being a little finger in in america um not never trust a man with a pinky ring would

be what do you mean um yeah and you know if ever i see a man with a pinky ring. What do you mean? Yeah, and you know, if ever I see a man with a ring on his little finger, I always think be careful. Can you believe my approach to people has been affected by something? A throwaway remark at Laverne and Shirley. Before we come to this, I'm going to have to play some music

because I feel from your anticipation it's something good. Yes. Something tells me I it's something good. Yes. Something tells me I'm into something good. Eh? Eh? Herman's Hermits. I say Herman's Hermits.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. So I got this tweet this week from someone called Tristan Rosenfeld. I rather like the sound of him. Yes, I like the sound of Tristan Rosenfeld. I rather like the sound of him. Yes, I like the sound of Tristan Rosenfeld. Wasn't he in an Oscar-Wall short story? Well, that's what I thought. He sounds nice.

He sounds like he might have a pinky, though. He might be posh and cruel. He might be, yeah. Yeah. My perfect man. Tristan says... Here's a flash-frame moment. I think it depends on the balance, doesn't it? I think you see posh on one side and cruel on the other

and there has to be a little bit more posh to make it well exactly to make it worth your while weren't they Spice Girls I loved Cruel Spice Cruel Spice would have been great that would have been my moniker if I'd have been in that band oh if she'd have just come on and during the course of the thing gradually

hacked their head off a off a peck of knees. Can you imagine that? So anyway, back with Tristan. Yeah. Tristan says, flash frame moment when Emily called the Bon Jovi track Wanted rather than Wanted Dead or Alive on this week's show. Oh, no. So obviously he had a soft spot for you and that spoiled it.

Not anymore. I feel like some terrible old mum. I think the flash frame for him then was when he corrected you for getting a Bon Jovi song wrong, though. Corrected, that's not good. Oh, that's true. I think we should maybe have a small seminar about that. Shall we workshop it?

Sorry, I'm very under a lot of pressure with the tribunal that Emily's bringing against me. Is that your statement? I'm very under a lot of pressure. Good luck. I've got a lot of forms to fill in. Gordon Ramsay's open letter. I was reading about the scientists in the... The scientists.

You know the scientists. Oh, yeah. The boffins. Oh, yeah. The boffins. They were... Good name for a band, the bo The scientists. You know the scientists. The boffins. Oh, yeah. The boffins. They were... Good name for a band, the boffins. I'll write that down next to the tongue...

Oh, put it in the tongue twister section. The boffins, as if that would pose any problems, tongue twister-wise. Anyway, it's written. Yeah, they were saying that they might have got it wrong about when life started on Earth, that it might have been a bit earlier than they thought, and they think they're 400 million years out.

Now, in any other profession, if Phil the Power Tailor was missing by those kind of margins... If I was 400 million years late for one of our meetings... Yes. I was yesterday. You were. You were pushing 400 million years late. Yeah, I'd certainly evolved during the time I sat in the restaurant. Anyway, yeah, so I was thinking about things that I've been wronged about for a long time. You know, you can have what you think you really know,

and then you really, one day you think, no, I was absolutely certain. Now, what sort of thing well par example i i was utterly convinced for years and i think this is something that a lot of people suffer with that one when you talked about the the human uh bone thing when it's all joined together and forms a sort of a skeleton yeahleton. Yeah, Skellington, you see. Oh, right. I thought called it Skellington until I was about 46. And somebody eventually said to me, because he said, first of all,

I hung around with a lot of people who also called it Skellington, so nobody was going to correct me. Did you seriously say Skellington? Always said Skellington. And then, of course, when I started going to telly, I mixed with a lot of sophisticated people who knew it wasn't Skellington, but they were too frightened to say anything skeleton always said skeleton and then um of course when i started going to telly i i mixed with a lot of sophisticated people who knew it wasn't skeleton but they were too frightened to say anything because now i had massive power so they left me to my ignorance and eventually some

brave person said you know that's skeleton and i said no i think you'll i think you'll find it i mean i fought for it that was a terrible thing oh it's when you fight for it i mean i had a i had a thing with um i was at number 10 down in the street a good start to any um i'd broke in they no i hadn't that's a good place to admit you've done something wrong yes oh yeah very few inhabitants do but i was at number 10 down in street and uh have i got time for this story? I'll say it quickly. It was a charity do. Cherie was there, and Tony Blair, and Tony Blair said,

there was a painting of Brian Ricks. You know, Brian Ricks used to be a comedy actor. Yes, the Theatre Impresario. Well, he was in Farsis. He was a Theatre Impresario as well. Yes, I know. So anyway, I said, oh, Brian Ricks. He said, yeah, he was he was here the other

night i said i don't think he was oh fine he said no he was here he was here in front i said no he's dead and tony blair who's the prime minister said no no he was here the other night and i said look obviously i don't want to argue with the prime minister but i'm telling you he is dead and he said frank i can't believe you had an argument with tony i had a small hiatus where i thought oh we call me frank did he say look did he say look and he said no but he said honestly he said i i met him i said that'd be sonny son has taken over the reins in the charity he said no it was it was i said i'm sorry i i know for a fact he's dead you know you meet a lot of people it's understandable because no so anyway um i went home and looked it up and of course he's alive and as if tony blair would ever lie about anything

yeah i know it's ridiculous you're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. The thing was, though, Brandon Flowers, Crossfire, the thing was that, you know, sometimes when you're arguing with someone and they contradict you, you have a bit of doubt, even if you really can't.

I didn't have any doubt. And I thought, I'm going to hammer it home because I thought then, when he finds out that Brian Riggs is dead, he'll think, bloody hell, oops! Oh, terribly sorry, I saw right there. Please forgive me. Are we not allowed to say that? I don't think, hold on.

Oh, we are! Oh, that's good. Phew! So, um... Well, and you didn't get in touch and say, oh, you were right about that. No, I didn't do that. Well, that's what's made him so stubborn about the Iraq war. Do you think? He thinks, well, the Frank skinner's not going to admit that.

Yeah, but I thought, I thought, we all find out that I was right and he was wrong and probably offer me, you know, some sort of, you know, something mine, a minister without portfolio, nothing big, but something like that, an Alan Sugar type of capacity. Anyway, I was wrong wrong and i think brian ricks is still alive god come on get a move on so um so if if you were ever wrong about anything

for a long time and then were absolutely convinced and then found out you'd been wrong um text us on 8 12 15 on 8 1215. And Frank, in fact, I had one of those the other week, don't you remember? Because I said, we were talking about, we were talking about

Nigel Havers. Oh yeah. And I said, he's dead. In a very emphatic, pompous way. I took your word for it. You said it so emphatically,

I thought, oh God, he's dead. It's probably made you question everything else I said, because I was absolutely convinced. I said, he's dead,

of course he's dead. And then next week, there he is in his red fleece and his hat with corks on it about to go into i'm a celebrity get me out of here the shame i mean how low can you get they're taking dead people this is a variation this is when one of the guests is going to be eaten by insects rather than the other way around they're going to empty his decaying corpse out of a body bag into some um cockroaches sorry if you're having your cocoa pops this time of day we should change the subject on that one i had a terrible thing with john pertwee you see oh i was doing a tv show um and um i always find at the end of the year you know when you read something you get like the uh

sunday times review of the year and i always look through it says you know we lost them this year and there's famous people who died and there's always a few surprises for me i think what kind of i knew that and of course they're the people who died while i was on holiday oh because i didn't i wasn't looking at the english papers anyway i'd just been away on holiday. I'd come back to the TV show and I did a joke about finding John Pertwee in my boot. I can't remember what the joke was based on, but he died that week. I had no idea. And the whole audience went, oh.

And I thought, well, that's a better joke. Anyway, he's still dead, in case you're wondering. I didn't know that Paul Yates had you're wondering I am I didn't know that Pauli Yates had died like I just didn't know when did you find out

I think I think I mentioned her in passing I think someone was talking about something and I said oh I wonder what she's doing now

oh my god in your family they probably thought it was you were mulling over the afterlife so when did you realise she died? Just, like, probably a couple of months ago.

Oh, my God! It's good that you're doing a topical radio show, though. Respect. We've heard Alistair's just texted him from Dubai. John Pertwee turned into Tom Baker, so he's not really dead. Alistair in Dubai says, I was convinced that baked beans were made out of potato until I was 18. I used to argue this very strongly.

That's the keys to stick with it. To believe. Yeah. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. An old-fashioned fade. I like an old-fashioned fade.

That was Martha and the Muffins. Mm. Yeah. We've had loads of texts in, Frank. Speaking of muffins... Yes? For seven years, my partner thought... You know, my heart was in my mouth.

The way he's behaving this morning. I know, yeah. You know, we... Oh, that's the old man. We're talking about getting things wrong, aren't we? For seven years, my partner thought it was a beef burger and a sausage McMuffin. He's actually said McMuffing. Oh.

Like Skellington. Yeah, so he wants to watch it, taking the mickey out of his partner's ass. Yeah. Get your own house in order, mate. Get your muffing. Actually, the McMuffing I'm worried about now. There's a G on the end. Move on. Move on. Did that from Dean of There's a G on the end. Move on.

Did that from Dean of Middlesbrough? Move on. Hold on. So how did he find them? Who sorted it? He went on the internet to prove her wrong. That's the modern age. So they sort out their arguments.

Do you know what I do, guys? Do you ever do this? I recently had an argument with my sister about whether blue eyes or brown eyes were the recessive gene or dominant one. We had a terrible argument. And I was i was going no i think you're fine and as i was doing it i was on i was googling i was on wikipedia finding it out so that i could prove her wrong she was right yeah well what does that say we haven't spoken since anyway my wife thinks all rivers All rivers flow south since school, but they said downhill. She thinks so. I see. I don't think that would be a problem necessarily to be...

Could you get your kayak out and find you're going in the wrong... No. Bridget has texted in to say, I was absolutely convinced that Breakfast at Tiffany's with Audrey Hepburn was a remake and the original was with Tuesday World, proclaiming in a snooty manner to my unconvinced husband, I think you'll find... Oh, you always say, I think you'll find.

Yeah, exactly. I love that. I think I said that to Tony Blair when I was arguing about Rixie, as I know calling. I can be a bit more disrespectful, knowing he's alive. This is a controversial one. Oh, God. Let's get relaxed. I feel feel sick i feel sick with stress

i only found out the other day now my lawyers have looked at it it's fine yeah because i really rely on your lawyers oh god i thought i thought ruth we got the telly you're watching the telly! It's on mute. Just amuse yourself. No, but a picture of Ruth Maddox come up, and I thought, oh, God, Ruth Maddox died. But they're just talking about pontins.

No, it's just quite pale make-up. No, I didn't think they were showing the corpse. For goodness sake. I only found out the other day that Alan Keyes... Good morning, mourners. All right. Good camping, mourners. Good camping mourners, perhaps it should be. That Alan Keyes, A-L-A-N, are actually called... Is that what they said at Versace's funeral?

Fine. Good camping mourners. Go on, carry on. I only found out the other day that Alan Keyes are actually Alum Keyes. I think the confusion may result from my my dad being called alan lauren age 30 but no it is actually there's i've looked on the internet and there's some confusion about this because you can find both versions so i think it is alan as in a double l e n is he but i thought it was i thought maybe it was um aluminium that's why it was alum. I thought it was named after Alum Rock, the area of Birmingham.

This is the best debate we've ever had. I feel a thriving and throbbing phoning is imminent based on the alum key debate. Any workmen listening, can they text in, Frank? No, you wouldn't get this, would you, on the Today programme? The old alum key debate? No. To wouldn't get this, would you, on the Today programme? The old Alam Key debate? No. To hell with it.

Maybe the one show. Yeah. Or it'd be a VT. It'd be a special VT. History of the Alam Key. It'd be Phil Toffler at the Alam Key Museum in Stockport. Yeah. And then they'd hold up those pictures.

I don't like it when they hold up... You know those colour photo copies they mount on cardboard? I don't like a mounted copy. Because there's always a kind of photocopies they mount on cardboard and hold up. I don't like a mounted copy. Because there's always a bubble from when it's been stuck. There's always a bubble. Some researcher's been assigned the task. Weird. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So Jeremy Hardy has joined us in the studio. Good morning. Good morning. Now, I don't wish to embarrass you or make you sound old, but when I started being a stand-up comedian, you were the man that we all kind of wanted to be. Really? Oh, God. Yeah, because you were the real archetype. You were on telly, which not many comics of our kind were at the time. It was all sorts

of Bobby Davro and Karen Ball. Bits of telly, I did. I never did masses of telly. But you were, yeah, you're a legendary figure, I think it's fair to say. So I'm very happy to have you on. I've been around a very long time. Yeah, but, you know, and you're still at it, which is brilliant, because some of us slightly fall off the wagon

and then get back on. But stand-up has been at the centre of your universe, I think it's fair to say. I've just trudged around the country for 27 years. Endlessly. Can you sound like you enjoy it? Yeah, it's great fun especially sitting on a train struggling back late at night and finding there's no tube when you get in and

you've had no tea and you're cold and believe me it's a great life for anyone so you're currently on tour i am tomorrow oh tonight i'm in folkestone and then tomorrow i'm doing i'm sorry i haven't a clue dates which i'm also doing, because we're touring that as a theatre show. In case any of our listeners don't know, I'm sorry, I haven't a clue, they will have known, because they might not have heard it.

It's very hard to explain. It was the original deconstructed panel show. It's been going for nearly 40 years, and it was the first... Because panel shows used to be polite games on the BBC Home Service, and something like Just A Minute was all very, very serious.

And then Clue was the first one that busted it all open. And so many things now are based on rounds of Clue and things have been nicked off of that. I love that you call it Clue. Can I just say that? I know. It reminds me, I was in the Fools and Horses office once and the phone went and the director went,

Hello, Fools. Oh, yeah. I love it. Well, they call Have i got news for you news don't know yeah considering that how much news is on the bbc is quite it's quite confusing it's quite cheeky but nobody can remember what it's called because normally when i'm interviewed people say yes and you've been appearing on i'm sorry i don't know the name of the program which does sound like a channel for with a radio for quiz show doesn't it yeah i'm sorry i don't

know the name of the programme. But you do loads of... I hear you on Radio 4 all the time. That's my demographic, and it's a fragile one. Another harsh winter like we've had, and I'm in real trouble. But, yeah, no, that's my home, really. I mean, I'm getting younger fans, though, coming along. It's been quite exciting recently. It might be Twitter.

I've been doing Twitter to try and groom, I believe is the word, younger fans. I'm not sure that is the word. Yeah, I haven't got a Facebook page. It's too early in the morning. I think page you should have been all right with. I was in page is an easy word. Where was I last night? Didcot I was in last night, in Oxfordshire.

They've got a power station there. Is that right? Yeah, coal-fired. That's very retro, isn't it? Are you all right with that? Because I know you are... I think it's fair to say you're fiercely left-wing, is that correct? Well, yeah, but exhaustedly fiercely left-wing, yeah.

I think we've lost. Oh! Well, we've won the moral argument, but I think we've probably lost the political argument. This is quite a big statement from Jeremy Hardy. The left wing has lost. Well, we can't get anywhere. It's up to the young people to burn down buildings these days.

It's quite nice to see their spirit, isn't it? Can I say that Absolute Radio do not support the burning down of buildings. Unless, of course, it's Capital Radio. My mate, oh, I should say, my mate's a teacher, and he said that some of his lovely sixth formers who are really lovely students

ended up on the top of Millbank Tower Well you get caught up in the excitement of it all One person breaks the window and everybody else thinks, oh well, go on then And you just sort of, these things have a bit It's like when I had that shot at Kennedy I thought, you know that bloke from the book thing's done it

Here I am on the grassy knoll, might as well have a go, you know, the job's done. It's like saying, you know, when people eat meat, you know, it's already dead, you might as well eat it. Exactly. If it's already alive, you might as well kill it. Yes. Jeremy Hardy, 2010. Yeah.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, working towards a mintier world with Trevor Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Trevor Softmints. Absolute Radio. Jeremy Hardy's with us this morning. We were talking about rioting. It's topical. Yeah. And you've had the odd protest moment.

Well, the most recent one was only about ten years ago. I think when they were closing lots of primary schools in Lambeth, they were selling them off to turn them into luxury flats, you know the lovely old Victorian primary schools that they turn into loft apartments we had a protest outside a council meeting in Brixton and we actually decided to storm it and we were all sort of

parents in our late thirties but we stormed it and they said that we'd broken down doors, I think a padlock got damaged in the pushing of the door and we stormed into this meeting but then we didn't know what to do we'd broken down doors. I think a padlock got damaged in the pushing of the door. And we stormed into this meeting but then we didn't know what to do. You're all standing there and you've disrupted it and you thought, well, do we hurt

somebody? No. Do we sort of unfurl a big flag? We haven't got one. Do we, you know, fashion some crude weapons and decide to hold the building? So you shuffle around a bit and then you go. Because we all had you know children at home and stuff yeah that's that's what i call a protest yeah so um you uh

you tried to trace your family yes well i was asked to write a book i don't mean i mean your immediate family yeah you know where they are indoors yeah it's quite early still but um yeah i was asked to write a book and i couldn't think what else to do it about so i did the family tree not having been asked to do the program i thought i would do um because my dad said you should get on the program and i thought he meant rehab right and i thought i thought there's no i can't go on that they won't ask me i'm not famous enough this is who do you think you are yeah but when they do that is it true that they research you and if you're not interesting enough you don't end up on it people get s, yeah. People get sacked. Well, I got asked about six months ago.

They said, would you want to do it? Did you? And I said, yeah, yeah. Because I turned down the second series because I thought it didn't have any legs. I thought, no, it's failing, this program. But anyway, so I said I'd do it and that was six months ago.

I haven't heard a thing. Maybe they found stuff about you. Yeah, well, yeah. Exactly. 10 Rillington Place. I mean, that's been in the family for years. I met somebody, this is interesting, i met somebody whose mum arrived in london as an irish immigrant in the 1950s and went to look for accommodation and went to 10 rillington place and met christy and thought

this bloke's a bit creepy i don't want to stay here and didn't good call good very good call yeah google it if you don't know. Oh, the young people, they know nothing. They don't know anything about mass murderers. They know nothing. Yeah, they need to get out. They're too busy writing. Yeah, they know nothing about student grants and things like that.

We had it tough with our grants and free education. Yeah, it was difficult, yeah. And you could stay on the dole forever then without being bothered. I was reading your, I liked your column in the Times the other day because I conflicted on that. I kind of think that there should be a basic level of income that everyone's entitled to in case you just want to do nothing. Because there's no real harm in doing nothing, is there?

No, it's great. Because a lot of people, they want cars and fancy clothes. They wouldn't join in. So it's not like everyone would go on the dole. No. I mean, there were people who were working when I was... I remember turning up to Brixton Dole Office and there were white vans outside and stuff

and people in overalls going in, carrying hods to sign on. Well, yeah, I mean, there was a guy who used to sign on when I signed on and he was covered in coal dust. The coal truck would park outside. He'd nip in very quickly, sign on. He'd leave, like, sooty marks on the card, you know. I saw someone going into the job since once, pulling up in a black cab outside, which I thought was rather cool.

I saw Richard Branson claiming disability living allowance yesterday. You're just topping us now, aren't you? You win. I saw the Sultan of Brunei begging. Yes, actually begging. Actually selling

the big issue in the street. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Snow Patrol spitting games. What happens at the end? He records it in the bar. Why does he do that? It's the best place for spitting, I find. Oh, yeah.

Otherwise, you know, you can just spit straight into the water and then rinse it all away. It's fine. I can't think of any spitting games. Never very good at that. Can I get all my jewellery out now? Jeremy Hardy's gone. I was worried he that. Can I get all my jewellery out now? Jeremy Hardy's gone. I was worried he might judge me because of all my possessions.

So, I'll tell you what I saw. I think it's time for another in our regular series, Objects in Food. Foreign Object in Food. Yeah, it's every now and again in the newspapers, a foreign object turns up in food. Can I hear that again, please? OK, they hadn't heard that jingle before.

I love it. I only did it this morning. It's made my day. Foreign jingles in show. We had Paul Robeson in to do it. Quite cheap. Foreign object in food. Yeah, and... You know what? I thought Paul Robeson had died

yes I don't know what you say I'm sure he's alive anyway yeah so this week it was the jay cloth in the sliced loaf oh I saw that yeah now I see my I always like to give them the benefit of the doubt

I mean obviously what you'd think is someone is, you know, they're maybe just wiping it in the area of the dough tray. And then they think, hold on, where have I put it? But I think it might be a sort of a deliberately added gift. Because I often find after a sandwich, I want to dab the corners of my mouth, maybe go over a work surface. Well, a lot of crumbs, a lot of crumbs from a loaf of bread. Need to wipe up afterwards.

Oh, so it's a free gift, an internal free gift. Well, imagine. Like a kinder surprise. Imagine the treat of your having that sandwich and thinking, oh, I'm making the right, oh, look. I don't even have to get out of my seat. Here is a J-cloth. Or maybe, Frank, one of the bakers,

and when I say bakers, I think it was sort of an in-store bakery. I see white wellies and maybe a net hat. Do you know what I mean? I think maybe he was an experimental chef in the kind of Heston Blumenthal vein and thought he was trying it out and just thought, try the J-Cloth and the bread. Might be nice.

Didn't work out. No one liked it, but at least he had a go. I think there's a love somewhere else with a bottle of dettol in because they often go so you know when you said the white wellingtons and the head i immediately thought margaret thatcher i think every trip she did every sort of walkabout was always in a factory where she had to wear a hairnet and a white overall and white wellingtons. Maybe she was just a baker on the side. I once found an osprey in a mint aero. And I was fine with it. But on the sliced bread front, do you eat the crusts of a slice?

Yes, I do eat the crust. You see, I see the crust, I must admit um yes i do eat the crust you see i see the crust i must admit as no more than a lid i lift the crust i take the the uncrusted bread from underneath it and then um i carry on like that so the crust gradually what happens is are you referring to the top and bottom they're not really the crust the crust of the the bits around the side. What? I'm talking about the... They're the crust. The end bits. All around the... Are you talking about... Are you talking about like a whole loaf that has not yet been sliced?

No, I'm talking about a sliced loaf. There's like two slices at either end. They're all crust, aren't they, more or less? Oh, I see. Do you eat those? Oh, no. You don't eat those? No.

Those are my favourite bits. No, you don't. Well, you can have mine. I'll bring some in. They don't quite fit in the toaster, and that's why I like them. That's another annoying thing about them. They have a sort of a lip around the end, and they're caused by the natural curvature of the crust.

Emily likes the upper crust. I think I've done that joke before. Have you? Have we been talking about loaves of bread before? Oh, I think we talk about loaves of bread every two or three weeks. Who wouldn't? It's the best thing since... Oh.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you see Wayne Rooney's wash bag this week? No, I didn't. You know how footballers are always photographed? I think I'm a bit young for him. They've always got... Well, a didn't. You know how footballers are always photographed? I think I'm a bit young for him. They've always got a little bit. Borderline.

You know when you see footballers, their hair's always slightly wet and they've got a washbag under their head. Oh, as Daisy calls them, footballers. Yeah, exactly. Well, he had the washbag and it was a picture of him and Kai, his child. No woman, no Kai. I know, yeah.

Exactly. And the thing is that footballers have got that thing of if they win a trophy, you get the kids on the pitch. I'm not happy with it. Why not? I'm all for it. I love children, etc. I have no children of my own. Yes, for I am barren!

We forgot, Frank. We can't help her. Yes. We had a lot to do. You know, some people have got children, Gareth. Some people have. I've got a child, yeah. Emily. Yeah. And me.

We have. But, you know, I don't... I'm wearing mine as a brooch today. Do you like it? Yeah, no, look, in the car. Did you shrink it in an oven like some sort of crisp packet? Anyway... Why did you say crisp packet like Hannibal Lecter?

I don't know why I associate Hannibal Lecter with snack food. Now I'm going to shrink my crisp packets. Yeah, well, I've heard some terms for it, Hannibal. No laugh, no laugh. You can't tell with a hockey mask. So anyway, you know when you see people carrying their child on their shoulders? That, to me, it's always a bloke. Got the child on their shoulders i don't that to me is it's always a bloke got the child on the show it's always a bloke they're basically saying yes i'm fertile

right that's what it's all about trophy children it's like a badge of honor it really is and is it safe should they not be wearing a small well it's funny you should say that frank skinner because accidents will happen and they did happen my father we were in a forest in hamburg my father put me on his shoulders it was no fairy tale it was no picnic he went running at full pelt i went flying designer clothes ruined face wasn't in great shape either my mother wasn't best pleased well that'd be a warning to anyone who's listening why was he running in a forest in hamburg let's not go into that yeah it's the war on at the time anyway i was um he said it's an episode of cold inch well i don't have children but i have got a lovely two-year-old

i carried it around i'm sitting on my shoulders through birmingham town centre through Birmingham Town Centre. And people were just grimacing. You know, there's the cries of unhygienic. I mean, mind your own business. I don't know what a Vimerana is. You don't know what a Vimerana is. Oh, it's a dog. Sort of dog. There you go. Oh, God.

The joke with a slightly late footnote. So next week, our guest is Rhys Shearsmith, who we've had on before, I believe. Oh, he's one of my favourites. Is he a friend of the show? He's a friend of the show. Not everyone is but he is. Listen to Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday which is us doing new stuff. Ben Jones is on next.

Ben Jones has Elton John tickets to give away. What did he do to get those? Well I think what he did he bought them a few months in advance and he found he had something else on that night and he thought eBay or just give them away on the radio show. So, yeah, there's a rumour going around that he's going to be the fifth judge on The X Factor. Really?

Yeah. I don't want to, you know, I'm not one to gossip, but I'm quite excited. We've all been a lot friendlier to him since that came out, can I just say that? So Ben will be along in a minute. Thank you for listening. Good day to you. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So Ben will be along in a minute. Thank you for listening. Good day to you.