The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Rob Deering

Episode Date: November 27, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about Elton John, mock faints and pavement racing.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily and Gareth.

Hi, Frank. It's a cold Saturday morning. It's absolutely freezing. It's absolutely freezing. I'm with you. I'm with you. Good. And there'll be people listening to this in, you know, the Bahamas, thinking, ha, but that's all you've got to think in the Bahamas. Some of my ex-boyfriends, probably. Yeah? What? From the Bahamas, thinking, ha. But that's all you've got to think in the Bahamas. Some of my ex-boyfriends, probably. Yeah?

What? From the Bahamas? They're Barshans. Is that the Bahamas or is that Barbados? I don't know. Barbados, our expert tells me. What are they called? Bahami.

Bahami Army? They're called Baharmen. Are they? Baharmen. I bet're called Baharmen. Are they? Baharmen. I bet they could be. Why not? Is there a military force known as the Baharmi Army? You wouldn't let that pass, would you? If you want to text us about anything, why would you?

You're thinking, but some of you will, because we have correspondence of a regular kind. You can text us on 81215. Simple as that. And our guest today is rob deering my dear friend rob deering and um i'll tell you one very marvelous thing about rob deering shall i he instigated this the first time he was on this is why i dear Hunter. It's become something of a leitmotif, as Wagner would say. Not that one! Not that one! The old one! I know he's quite old, but I mean the German fascist opera writer. Yeah, the really old one. The dead old one.

Yeah, the one who wasn't fiddling benefit. Allegedly! We don't know that Wagner didn't fiddle benefits. I don't know. Did they have benefits then? I think so. I think people just died. You just went to the workhouse and that was it.

Is that right? Because there'll be people at home now saying, yeah, them was a good old days. But that'll just be in my house. So we had a bit of a works out in this week, I think it's fair to say. Oh, I loved it. We went to the Union Chapel in the north of London

to see E. John, as I always call him. Elton, yes. Elton, yeah. Elton John. I always think he must get letters to Mr. E. John. I don't know why, but I like that idea. Maybe they're just Dear John. Yeah, Dear John letters he gets that's what he gets

perhaps from someone who was in the year above him at the school because he wasn't called that then he was called Reg Dwight that's his real name so I always think that about Candle in the Wind if Marilyn Monroe had been alive wouldn't she have thought why do you have to use my old name, use my proper name?

If I wrote a tribute to him, saying, Oh, Reg Dwight, you may lack things in height, but not in talent. You know, he'd say, well, use that name. I don't think that's a problem he'd have with that. No, really. The worst, I think, I mean, he was brilliant. problem he'd have with that. No, really. The worst... I mean, he was brilliant. We should establish.

He was amazing. He was amazing. It was just him and a piano and no band or anything. What I like, Frank, is that you and I were so shocked at how he could sing so well. We both went, his voice is great. He plays the piano really well. It took me 40 years to work out that Elton John can sing

and play the piano. Could you believe that? And I'll tell you something else. You know, he's 60. Good head of hair. Lustrous. I mean, lustrous. He's got that.

He's got good hair. But I was on about with, really, bushy in parts. Thank. So. He had a lot of clothes on as well. He had two coats on. One was a cassock, I thought. I thought...

It was in a church. A cassock and a frock coat. It was in a church. The Union Chapel is a fabulous venue, I must say. I saw Shawoddy Woddy there in 74. I must say, they ripped the place up with their fluorescent drape jackets. I've never seen anything like it. The Guardian.

And he did have two coats on. I think he thought it would be a bit cold in a church. Oh, he was wrong. He can afford it. He can afford two coats. He can afford two coats. I'm sure he's got loads of coats, but he can leave some at home. He doesn't have to wear them all.

What's he worried about? Burberry? You want to show it off? Yeah. You've got it. He saw I put a coat on and I thought, you know what I'll do? I'll put another coat on. To hell with it.

There were loads of absolute friends there. The OC was there. Yeah, the OC, Christian O'Connor. I got friends with his wife. She's my new friend. Is that right? Yeah, I loved her. She's making a special announcement Monday morning, the OC, according to the thingsnor. I got friends with his wife. She's my new friend. Is that right? Yeah, I loved her. She's making a special announcement Monday morning, the OC.

According to the things I have to read out before the news, I say, have to. Don't you think I'm under any sort of duress? She guessed my age and said I was eight years younger than I am. But she then did ask me if I'd had work done, which took away from the compliment slightly. Oh, really? Yeah, but she seemed very nice. Yeah I liked her.

Yes that's good. Yeah I thought, am I not right that Elton John has just stumbled once I think in his career and that was that one line in Candle in the Wind when he says Marilyn was found

in the nude. I don't like that. Just a bit in the nude. I don't like that. Why not? Just something, in the nude. No. Oh, why did you come over all puritanical? No, I don't mind the subject matter. It's not a good ending.

In the nude. No, don't rethink that. That's Bernie Taupin anyway. He writes the lyrics. Yeah, but Elton should have said, Bernie, you know I love you. You know I love ya. But, um...

She'd have to say, nicer in the nuddy. I don't like... Oh, that would have been nice. In the nuddy. Starkers. Nothing was found. Starkers. Frank, there were quite a few interlopers, though.

I mean, Ian Wright, fair enough. Well, those were the things with the horns. you interlopers though i mean ian wright well those are the things with the horns frank we've had some texting on 8.15 i was starting to think there was no one out there. Re, what do you call someone who is from Barbados? Is it not a Barshan? Well, we've had 138, as Gareth would say. My favourite Barshan. It's a sitcom I wrote about my friend from Barbados. 138 says people from Barbados are called Bajans.

Oh, Bajans. There's some disagreement about it, though. People from Bahamas are called Bahamians. I'm a Bahamian. Oh, did he write Bahamian Rhapsody? That's a 138. Isn't that what old-age pensioners call their trousers? Bajans.

They usually are Bajans, from what I've seen, from my evidence. Oh, OK. So it's all still up for grabs so it's all still up for grabs. It's all still up for grabs. Yeah, and Bajans and Bahamians. Bajans are winning. Bahamians have still got everything to play for.

Meanwhile, Frank, can we discuss these interlopers, please, at E. John? Oh, yeah, the interlopers. Well, fair enough, us lot. Fair enough, the OC. Well, it was an absolute event, we should point out. It was heavily. Can you smell paint? No.

Yeah, so I'm doing a little bit of painting over here. Oh, are you? Yeah, a little bit of painting. Well, I'd rather you didn't. What are you doing? Well, this cabinet will never be finished if I don't get it painted. Well, you're painting the cabinet. Surely it requires some sort of varnish.

No, I think I had my bathroom done this week. Oh, yeah. You know, it lingers. I could smell it at home and now I feel I've brought it in my nostril. I'm calling it the Elton John bathroom. Are you wearing two jackets, Frank? Oh, he's gone Eltonian. He's gone Eltonian.

It's a tracksuit top and a jacket. I wouldn't normally wear it to work, but it's so cold in here. I've had to crack out the chunky knit. Yeah, I wish you wouldn't call Gareth that. Anyway, I call it the Elton John bathroom because two coats. Oh. OK, so there'll be people at home thinking, why does he call it the Elton...

I don't want them all sending in texts about that. They can't even decide on the Bahamas. So imagine the consternation. Yeah, the interlopers. Who are you referring to? OK, so Ian Wright, absolutely fair enough. Ian Wright, right, right. He does the show on Absolute Radio, doesn't he?

Yeah. Fine, I'll let him. Doesn't he? Are you suggesting that you listen to other things? No, but I do listen to the OCL of him but so I'm happy with those few band of brothers what I did have an objection to

is Richard Curtis in row one who he writes rom-coms why is he at the absolute radio in the prime spot and we're back in row four perhaps he's a personal friend because there was a moment when Elton said, if any of my friends are here, they can come backstage and see me after.

I'm not going anywhere, he said. Yeah, and he mentioned Andy Roddick, the tennis player, who you hadn't heard of. Well, I thought he was the body shop person. No! I don't tennis, you know what I mean? It's not for the likes of me. Well, it ain't for the likes of me, Mr Holmes!

Yes. I'll tell you one thing I noticed on the night. Oh, sorry, do you have another list of interlopers? No. Just those two? I just think Richard Curtis I objected to. Yeah. And I think that was really it.

James Corden was there. I'll let him off. Yeah. Has he done anything for Absolute Radio? What has he done for us lately? I don't know. Matt Lucas was there. Honestly, when I stood next to him, people thought we were twins.

It's true. I'll tell you something I noticed on the night. It was a very branded, branded, Mark, what do you do when you're branded? And then all you're around, whatever you do for the rest of your life. That's one for the Chuck Connors fans. Yeah, it was very branded, very Absolute branded. So there was two big banners with the Absolute crest on.

And then, you know, the purple crest. And then there was two big screens behind E. John with the Absolute crest on as well. And it's the first time it struck me, and I've worked here now 18 months, that the symbol for Absolute Radio is the fast-forward symbol. Oh, yeah. No, is that what you

want to associate with your Oh, it's Absolute Radio. Get that to the end as fast as we can. It's an odd choice, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, what about that? Put that in your pipe and smoke it, the marketing team. I tell you who I thought was very good looking.

The boss. Elton John? No, Clive Dickens, the boss. Did you? I'm just putting that out there. Well, you would say that. No, he's very handsome. He's got it going on.

I'm sorry, I'm going to put it out there. Really? I don't think you should say that about the boss, for goodness sake. It's too late, I've said it. Yeah. I knelt and kissed his hand. I don't know, I'm happy with that. Little bit...

Tasted like marshmallow. I went off him when he tried to throw me out. Yeah. Funny enough, that was what won me over. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's chilly in the studio, isn't it? Yes, with established fat. It's chilly. We've, isn't it? Yes, with the stanbly flat. We've had a text from Shane in Bristol.

What, at 8.12.15? Did he text us at 8.12.15? Yeah, 8.12.15. 8.1.2.1.5. Oh no, don't throw a spanner in there. Oh, that's really confused me now. Frank, how the hell can you pavement race in frosted conditions, Shane, in Bristol?

It's dangerous. And we should all... Can I just say that to Alice? I mean, I know I've encouraged pavement racing. But it's actually... I've always called it pedestrian racing. But it seems that the listeners have decided it's pavement racing, whether I like it or not. So I think I'm going to change to suit them.

That is what democracy is all about. Well, you say that. But we've had an email in from Kevin Bellamy and he says subject pedestrian racing. Oh, well now we're back on course. Well, exactly. Quite literally as it turns out in this case. Do you want to hear? Of course.

Settle down in your chairs. It's a bit of a tale. It is one of my great passions. In case you don't know new listeners start here. If I see someone in the... I walk very, very quickly so I make a big point of overtaking people. And sometimes they don't want to be overtaken and we have a bit of a tussle, but I always win. Continue.

Hi, Frank, Gareth and Emily. After listening to your show, I felt inspired to try some pedestrian racing after watching Derby beat Scunthorpe at Pride Park. I waited for the crowd to thin and then off I went. I was flying past pedestrians. That wouldn't have took very long though, would it? I was flying past pedestrians when

an older chap suddenly took up the challenge. The race was on. An older chap? At one point we were almost touching as we raced down the pavement. That's great when you get a bit of elbow shopping action. He was really motoring when I slipped on some wet leaves, allowing him to take the lead.

I didn't think I'd catch him, so I had to take a position just behind him, trying to take advantage by slipstreaming. It's like, is this Victoria Pendleton? Just as I was thinking I'd never overtake him, I glanced ahead and made my move. I drew alongside him and used a slow-moving older couple to block him between the fence. Oh, God, he's got the tactics early. Allowing me to zoom on by.

With a big grin on my face, I sped onwards, taking a quick glance back to see that he'd given up. I'm going into full training and would love to take you on to try my hand against a true master, Kevin. The thing is, Kevin the the whole thing about pedestrian racing is that you can't organize it it has to be spontaneous and it's very important that only one person is fully aware that it's happening it's very otherwise it's it's a walking race if you if you organize it so the great thing is that the solo joy of the person that you're overtaking who doesn't know they're in a race but they start to respond instinctively by speeding up they discover too late yeah they do yeah then they're left in your in your vapor trail i like the fact that he's already doing the uh the human shield

walking them into people i use that with um with the big issue if i see a big issue seller and there's someone else walking up the street i I'll just sit on their shoulders so that I'm blocked as I go. And also I've noticed, I don't know if this is morally acceptable, but when I cross... I'm sure it's not. When I cross the road, I'll always go the sort of safe side of other pedestrians, thinking that if a car careers into us, you know, I might get slightly bruised, but I doubt if I'd be killed if it's taken out three people on the way. That's all right, isn't it? It's practical,

I think. Oh, yes. So, anyway, what's we got? Oh, God, is it? We've got to play another record already? Well, we haven't set up the phone in yet, for goodness sake. You're coming in with your fur ogs, telling me what to do. Producer's not just wearing ogs, right? She's

wearing buckled ogs. Buckled ogs, a buckled belt, and a Captain Pugwash scarf. She's very, you know, she used to work at Kerrang, I'll be honest. She's very ship's mate today. I wonder what you're going to say. Put me on edge. We're actually getting a text now referring to Emma, the producer. Yeah, do you want to hear this one?

It's from Claire in Rygate. Maybe someone needs to tell the producer that Uggs went out last winter. And they still haven't come back. I'm worried sick. At Milan Fashion Week, a top designer said, there's someone wearing Uggs in the front row. Move her now, it's not 2008. Really? Is that still from Claire? Yeah.

Is Claire backing it up with evidence? Claire's got evidence. Good on Claire. I like the fact that she's quoting. Claire, don't be harsh. Although I think we might get on. We'll talk. I like an Ugg, but I like an Ugg with a bare leg, you see,

which is not an option this weather. Oh, God. I think you'd agree with that. You're not going to get that in these parts. What's very sexy, when my girlfriend broke her toe, they gave her one of those grey plastic boots that you have to pump up. It was so sexy.

It was sexy. No, really. It did look great. We're all different. So, speaking of illness, did you see Gillian McKeith faint? Oh, I loved it. On the Jungle programme. What did you think? Real or...?

I don't know. I only caught it at one point. Real or no real? Real or no real? I think it's generally accepted to be unreal. Mock faint? Mock faint. Yeah. I have to say, I have never fainted in my life, right?

Consequently, I don't know that I believe in fainting anyway. You can't not believe in it. I don't. I'm not sure it's ever, there's ever been a real faint. Oh, I fainted. Yeah, but I can imagine you, you know, a difficult situation. Someone says you never return my phone calls. Oh, oh., a difficult situation. Someone says, you never return my phone calls. Oh, oh.

It'd be classic. I used to faint all the time. You can't help it. I thought that you can faint all the time. That's a coma, surely. No, I did. I had low blood sugar, so it would happen. I fainted on the tube.

I fainted in a bar. I fainted in front of Evan Dando at Lemonhead's gig. I'm not joking. I've been carried out a lot. Yes. joking. I've been carried out a lot. Yes. Well, I've been carried out a lot, so I've never fainted in my life. Well, what caused the blood sugar?

Didn't you have a leukoside? What's the matter with you? You don't understand this metal thing, but I do think she's a terrible faker. I think she's a terrible faker. I think she's a terrible fakir. I went to her for some Eastern religious advice, and it was rubbish.

She was sitting on a bed of nails, and even that had got corks on the end. Well, it is Australia, to be fair. So, when the muck faint, now, I've often thought it would be a great thing to have up your sleeve. A couple of occasions I've actually considered it is as people have said,

give us your phone number and I'll... And I think, oh, the muck faint? Shall I do the muck faint? considered it is just people have said um give us your phone number and i'll uh and i think oh the the mock faint shall i do the mock faint but i haven't done it yet i'd like i'd like to i'd like to feel i have the i always worry that if you use illness as an excuse for anything like you know a mock faint or like for my girlfriend tells her tells a story this blo bloke, she went out on a sort of a semi-date. They were on the bus. Was that kind of a date? Before she met you, you should say.

Well, sort of in between. Oh, don't give us the innards. Yeah, we've had, you know, we've had... Yeah, anyway, she was on the bus with this guy. And I don't think she mind me telling this story. I'm just going to have a look at my phone in case she's texted just from the set-up. No, it's all right. And she decided she didn't want to go on the date after all

and she said to him, sorry, my liver's just failed. And got off the bus. And the next day he emailed her and said, oh God, how are you? And she said, well, I'm fine, having forgotten what the excuse. But I mean, I always think if you say that, some terrible revenge will come back. Although in fairness you could have said that once and it would have been true Frank back in the day

back in your bad days It never failed it was sturdy sturdy it was almost made of stone but I tell you I I remember reading I think it was in a poem a poem about excuses.

And there's one I always use. If you can't make anything, you know, you can't turn up, it says, I can't make it, I'm anticipating the delivery of a plum tree. And I've used that, and people don't question it. I like Gareth. We had a meeting, right, this week, and Gareth turned up late. And we said, what happened? And he said, five minutes, like, I just said. No, ten minutes, like Gareth. We had a meeting, right, this week, and Gareth turned up late. And we said, what happened? And he said... Five minutes late. Can I just say I was five minutes late?

No, ten. Ten minutes late. Ten. Ten. And Gareth said, oh, sorry, I was in a cafe around the corner having a coffee on my own. Oh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Is everything all right now? Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Is everything all right now? I was once at university. I was at a mate's house and there was someone coming round who I didn't particularly want to see.

I didn't particularly like them. And you said, I've been in a cafe having a coffee. Thanks. No, in the room they had a cupboard and as I heard them ring the doorbell, I got into the cupboard. OK. But then they just all came and sat down in the room. So I was just in the cupboard.

How long were you in there for? Are you Mr Tims? No, only a couple of minutes. And then I realised I should probably just get out of the cupboard. Well, I don't know. I think that was a rash decision. You could have given it an hour. Oh, really? Well, that's...

I'm loving it. So, uh... Another little story from Gareth's life. Fabulous. Anyway, if, um... This was the soundtrack when I was in the cafe. That's why I got carried away.

I didn't understand that. So if anyone of our fabulous listeners have ever pulled anything really, come up with a bad excuse, extreme excuse, or an odd excuse for not turning up for something, do let us know, because without you, our lives are empty. Well, they're not actually empty, but they're, you know, they're low, they're near low.

You know that bit on Electric Kettle where you think, I'll just about get a cop out of this, before it starts going, and you think, oh, I've got to ruin the element. That's it. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Oh, all right. That's Raise on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, all right. That's Razor Light America. Mm. We've had some texts in Paris. Not a bad idea, a Razor Light, actually. It means you could, like, if you just had one on the razor, like a small headlight, it means you could shave in the...

You wouldn't be shaving in the dark, but you wouldn't need to put, you know, the room light on. Yeah, that's very good. You'd still need a mirror. Well, maybe you wouldn't need to put the room light on. That's very good. You still need a mirror. Well, maybe you could have a mirror on there as well. Frank. Once you start with your razor-based accessories, where do you stop? There's some news in.

The receptionist man is calling up about the heating. I just thought I'd let you know. Oh, is he? Oh, good. He's on it. If he's on the case, we've got nothing to fear. Yes, that's good news. So, well, I look forward to that being put right

about seven o'clock tonight. Unfortunately, I shall be out of here. What else? We've had any texts? We'll say yes. Yes. Good news. We've had some excuses.

Gordon and Kirkholdy. Once worked with a lady... Kirkcaldy. Kirkcaldy. Kirkcaldy. Gordon and Kirkcaldy. Kirkcaldy. No, Kirkcaldy it's pronounced.

And isn't Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy? Is it him? Maybe. I imagine. He's got time. What's the excuse I'm looking for? Is it was Tony Blair left it too late for me. Once worked with a lady that said her father had passed away

only for him to actually die about six weeks later. Oh. That's a bit like what you were talking about. Oh, so she used it as an excuse for some reason. Yeah, she used it as an excuse. Oh, that's not good. Yes, she didn't just say it. But see, that is a thing, though, that I said.

It's about if you use illness as an excuse, it'll come back to bite you on the... Although I once called into the Gap when I had a summer job there, and I didn't want to go in, and I said I had appendicitis, and I said I'd have my appendix out. So when I did have to go back after a week, I had a lovely week off, and this girl went, oh, are you all right?

I said, yeah, I'm OK, I'm a bit better now. And then I clutched my left side. And she said, Emily, your appendix is on your right side. Who's she, a doctor? I said, it's general pain everywhere. Well, you should have said, obviously, that side is an hurting. I've had my appendix removed. Stupid.

I'm not as quick as you. There's a text in from Steve. Hi, Frank. I once managed a well-known supermarket. And the sister of one of our more enthusiastic Saturday workers was due to start a job. We expected great things. When she hadn't shown up two hours after her due time,

I rang her to find out what was wrong. She said, I couldn't make it as I'm a bit tired. I told her not to bother. Well, that's a strict policy. It doesn't bother them in most of the major supermarkets. Well, I suppose the honesty is something. I like that you expected great things from her.

Yeah. I wonder what she was going to do. Perhaps those, you know, those really pyramidic piles of cans. Fabulous. Rob Deering is our guest this morning. It's worth getting him in just to be able to do this, isn't it? Me and him will be playing Russian roulette a little later on air. On the award-winning Absolute Radio.

I'm saying on the award-winning Absolute Radio. Let me hear you say. We won awards, didn't we? We did. What a week it's been. We had Elton John for a start-off. Oh, here he comes. Imagine him on a small piano type train going through the studio. Morning Elton. He's got one of those scarves that stick out. Wired scarves that stick out. There he goes.

Just like a little Yoda. Yeah, careful. I spent the whole night... You know, I've spent... Don't send this in because it's easy to Google. But, you know that... Rocket Man! And I've always thought, what is that?

Right? So, he did Rocket Man this week when we went to see him live. And he did... So, I happened to see him live. And he did. So I happened to catch him in the hallway and I said, there's someone I've wanted to know my whole life. I said, what is that bit after, man? And he went, oh, you mean...

I didn't. And I said, what is that? What do you mean? And he said, no, that's what I say. I go... He said, it's based on an alien language from Alpha Centauri. No, it's not. He said, yeah, he did.

He said he hopes to become fluent in it one day. But he said, as he admitted himself, he thinks it's going to be a long, long time. Anyway, yes. So we won awards this week. It's very exciting. For example, I suppose, I don't know if this is exactly qualifies

as this show but sort of we won best national on air promotion for faces for radio I don't know if you've seen the faces for radio

it's pictures of me and Dave Gorman looking like we just got up and the OC and the OC looking like Raffles the jewel thief not a hint of tiredness.

We also won Best On-Air Sponsorship, Baddiel and Skinner, Sony Ericsson. God, this is depressing. Yeah. It's a little bit like... I was going to burst into tears like the Kate Winslet. Can't think of one. Gather.

But they won the big one, to be fair to Absolute, they won the big one, to be fair to Absolute. They won the big one this week, which is the Radio Academy 2010 Creative Gold Award, sponsored by Veal Associates. I thought the big one was Best Street Marketing Campaign. Oh, well, I must have got that wrong. No. Sponsored by Veal Associates.

What are Veal Associates? Brawn? Salami? I'm imagining that veal associates... If you can imagine that meat is a small town, pork, lamb and beef would be in the centre of town. And then on the outskirts, there'd be the veal associates. Do you know what I mean?

There'd be... Or what else would there be? Stuff like belly draft. You know what I mean? There'd be that area. And I can't think of any other odd meets now, but I'm sure we'll get a barrage of... I like the idea of people texting in meets.

There isn't enough of this. Would Ben Jones have people texting in meets? Not on your Nelly. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Oh, well. So, yeah, that was the Ting Tings with That's Not My Name.

Can I just say, you did something of an extraordinary dance while that was on. Yeah, that's my... I only ever did that dance to that particular song. It was amazing. Yeah, it should be captioned for posterity. If only we had a video camera in here. Posterity, in case you don't know, is a Bottoms Museum, which is in Eastbourne, isn't it, I think?

It's an interesting place. We've had a text in, Frank. I don't know what time it opens. Sorry, carry? We've had a text in on 8.12.15 from Jack in Redditch. You know, we were talking about excuses and trying to get out of things. Yes. He says, hi, Frank. I was once ill in school on a Monday, and over the following weekend,

my nan passed away. Oh. I then had to have the next Monday off for the funeral. Completely true, but my teacher said, how convenient. See, you've got to be careful. Yeah. Jack says, the teacher had a fall in the playground

the week after, so all was well with the world. Jack from Redditch. Well, that's a bit of a twist on the, if you say someone's ill. If you condemn someone for a genuine excuse, then something will befall you. You all right, dear? I'm just having a fit.

You're not going to faint, are you? No. Alright. So there's a moment when you think I could faint or I can't faint. No, I'll faint. You have to go with it. You can say no. Just because you've never fainted, it doesn't mean it's not real. Have you fainted? I've never had

tuberculosis. I still believe in it. Have you not? No. I have. I fainted once at school. There was a programme on the computer where you programmed a turtle to draw shapes, and you could programme it, so it whizzed off and kept repeating the same shape over and over, and I hadn't had much breakfast, and I fainted. Well, no wonder with that sensations cocktail going on.

The no-breakfast-tw no breakfast twirling turtle combo, which I think would send most people to the ground. I like the fact that he assumed they were linked, the two things. Yeah, that's strange. How could it not be? We've had a listener who would like us to put his mind at rest. He says, 060 says, perhaps there won't be any Brandon Flowers this week. If that's the case, could you announce it, please?

Then I can enjoy the rest of the show in a more relaxed state. There will be no... No, I said now instead of now. Can we do that again, Geoff? Live, you say? There will be no Brandon Flowers on my show this week. Okay, I think we've got that out

the way. I feel like, you know, we had to... Like I'm announcing the death of of the way. I feel like, you know, we had to... Like I'm announcing the death of Bernard Matthews. It feels like it was a big, terrible thing that's happened. But anyway, I can't even... We do play Brandon Flowers a lot. Look, I can't... You know, I have no say over the playlist. Relax. Yeah.

Besides, what is it, three minutes? I mean, come on, make a cup of tea! We've got Rob Deering coming up next, haven't we? I'm aware of that. Yeah, but it's so cold in here, I'm actually embarrassed. Do you know what I mean? You can't invite guests around. You can't see them from here. No, he's very hardy, Rob, he'll be.

He's very cheery. He is very cheery, yeah. With his big smile. Oh, lovely big smile, lovely big teeth. That will be frozen today. I remember I went to Iceland with David Baddiel. The country, not the... Oh.

Yeah. And it was 28 below. Wow, that's chilly. Proper chilly. And we had to smile for pictures and our teeth froze. No, they didn't. The saliva on our teeth froze. Really?

Yeah, you wouldn't believe that, would you? Hello? My mic gone. Yeah, that's what happens. That's a little anecdote from my life there, you listeners on, who I know love these little nuggets. So did Bernard Matthews, I have to say. He loved a turkey nugget.

Oh, that's a shame. It is a shame. How convenient. Yeah. That's what I say. You think it's an excuse. They didn't have enough turkeys ready for Christmas. Let's come up with a bereavement.

Then we can say, obviously, production stopped. I hadn't thought of that. Well, I hope that's true. Because if it's true, it means Bernard's done a lot. Have they missed a lot of orders? Is this why they're true because if it's true it means Bernard's have they missed a lot of orders is this why they're doing that's what it is

come up with an excuse I've got an idea and it'll be right beautiful claim I've died actually can I just say if any of the friends or relatives which is a shame

obviously I really liked the drums he was part of that turkey drums are delicious well I liked him I liked him on the adverts I'm not being disrespectful about it

it was a joke. Get over it. I'm sorry, Mrs Matthews. I had no idea you were listening. Oh, God, let's move on quick. I feel we're in turkey trouble. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Rob Deering has joined us. Yes, good morning. Good morning, Rob. It's lovely to see you. And let's get straight into it. Your recent return from Argentina, am I right? That's right. I went to Buenos Aires. What did you do in Buenos Aires?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that. Because I was, well, I was falling off things. It was a celebrity total wipeout. How marvellous. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And who else was being wiped out?

Chico. It was Chico time. Yeah, that's right. Do you know, he can't ask the time because of that. Of course. He's trapped forever. He said to a bunch of people, so what time are we having lunch? And they just all went, Chico time.

Oh, no. He's still left wondering how much more shopping he's got. What he needs is his own schedule. Yeah, that's true. And he could sidestep that whole process. Yeah, I mean, he's still left wondering how much more shopping he's got. What he needs is his own schedule. Yeah, that's true. Then he could sidestep that whole process. Yeah, I mean, he has. He's got his own schedule. Oh, has he? It's Chico time.

Of course it is. I was trying to get him to start saying things like, it's about a quarter to me. But he wouldn't, would he? No, it's not really his way. I wonder if there's any part of Chico that regrets the whole Chico time thing. I don't think so. Fair enough. You've got a lot closer than I ever will.

He's the world's best Chico. So, we won't ask how you did exactly. I'm not at liberty to tell you how I did. No, because that's going to spoil people's Christmases. But in a change of subject, have you ever thrown a ragdoll at a balloon? Um, yeah. Okay, that's fine. Just remember that and that'll give you some idea okay

it was part of a pagan ritual well then then it was different okay okay but uh you it looks very very difficult i mean near impossible it's one of those shows it's like the sort of physical equivalent of mastermind it It looks virtually impossible. Yeah, it was... Oh, it was... I mean, it was nightmarishly difficult. Obviously, I may or may not have been absolutely brilliant at it. No, I know that.

But did you get bruises? No, it didn't hurt. I think that I'm quite... I'm good at falling over. I am. You know, so I just... You don't fight it. You just let it happen.

Have you ever fainted, Rob? Me, no. No, I haven't fight it. You just let it happen. Have you ever fainted, Rob? Me, no. No, I haven't fainted. I've passed out. Oh. Hold on. Hold on. Is there a distinction?

Yes, that's when people are drunk, they pass out. Oh, OK. Sorry, there's no judgment here. Well, I never said that. But yeah, that's it. OK, well, obviously, we've all done that. But we're just trying to establish whether there's such a thing as fainting or it's things that people do there is a thing

it's happened to me I think it's a decision isn't it you mate yeah I think well that's when you pretend to faint I think one always pretends to faint

that's my whole point there is no such thing as a genuine fact but isn't there a thing the whole thing in fiction and the culture of fainting dates from Victorian times

swooning swooning and Swooning. And that's around the time when people used to wear bodices and not have a bottom rib removed and things like that. So women could be a lot weaker and also have a lot, like really a dozen children. So, you know, in Jane Austen, when someone faints, they had quite a lot of excuses.

Yeah, but I don't think that's big. It's not so much tight clothing. It's because love was so unequivocal in those days when one swooned one new one was swooning for life whereas now it's you know yeah get a bit bored off you go simple as that who's going to faint on those grounds anyway so um we should we'll talk about this a bit more but you are on tour at the moment. I am. The Rob Deering Experience. I wanted to give you the tour title there. In case you've never seen Rob, not only is he funny, but he's very musical. Yeah, yeah.

He is ever at home with a guitar. Yeah, I've embraced that for this tour. This is like me and my band. Oh, you've got a proper band now. No, it's just me. I'm the only member, but it's okay you know i'm the only member but it's definitely i nearly fainted when you said that but you see i didn't um so you've even anyone who's never been to the absolute studios which let's face it is most people

um will not be aware that the the walls are draped with celebrity guitars. Yeah, nice ones. Signed guitars. Does that Noel Gallagher, is it a Gretsch, the Union Jack one? Is it? I didn't look at it. I thought it was a Gibson 335. Well, I'll take your word for it. I'll take your word for it. Didn't look at it.

Yeah, I know, but you know those kind of things. I feel now I've made a bit of a Gretsch fool of myself. He knows what he's doing, this one. I think I got mixed up with Gretchen Franklin. Gretchen Franklin. Exactly. It was mentioned in a fall song, is that what that reference is. He knows what he's doing this one. I think I got mixed up with Gretchen Franklin. Gretchen Franklin! Yeah, exactly. It was mentioned in a fall song,

is that what that references. Don't worry, no regret. I'm liking him, I'm liking him. I played a Gretch country squire once. Did you? Made in 1929. I once read The Diary of an Edwardian Lady. Does that count?

I once ate six Mars bars in half an hour. Did you? No, I didn't. Extraordinary lie, Rob. It was from Preposterous Tales in the Lives of Ken McKenzie by iLudicrous. I ate three Mars bars in four minutes. What happened to Marianne Faith? It didn't seem to be in the news anymore.

We'll be back with more Rob Diering in just a second. Frank, Elaine in London has said, Hi Frank, I'm an optometrist and I've had five people faint on me. Four of them were men after having contact lenses in. So, you're wrong. Yeah, but isn't that a bit suspicious as well? Oh, I've

dropped onto the pretty optometrist now that my eyesight has improved. I remember a story of someone who fainted who wouldn't have wanted to faint so he probably did, if you see what I mean. Okay. You can't be that enigmatic. I'm going to tell you, my friend... You've gone Garbo-esque. I've wanted to be alone. faint so he probably did if you see what i mean okay you can't be that enigmatic i'm gonna tell you my friend i've gone to be alone my friend uh tom at university on like the first day when

everyone had just met each other went down to the sports center to have his blood pressure checked and in front of a queue of everyone in our year um they pumped up the thing on his arm and he fainted clean away onto the floor and he evacuated his bladder and bowel. What? Wasn't he just a bit of a character?

Can I say, Frank, I like the way Rob went a little bit Holby doctor there, I like that, the way he talked about it. Yeah, that's right, he evacby doctor there. I like that. Yeah. The way he talked about it. Yeah, yeah, that's right. He fact-checked his stats. Again, that was a man desperate for the toilet. Thought, how can I do this? I'll combine it with a mock faint.

I'll tell you something. I wish Gillian McKee had gone the whole. That would have made it convincing, wouldn't it? I wish she had gone for both barrels. And she could have investigated herself just after. Now, I need to ask you something, Rob. Is it true, and feel free to say that it isn't, that you've had what one might call a sort of paranormal experience

on this tour that you're on? Are you talking about haunted toilets? I am talking about haunted toilets. No, it was just a bit scary. It wasn't paranormal as such. I was at the White Rock Theatre in Hastings, which seems weird to specify, you know, because there aren't that many.

Oh, no, but in a ghost story, they always give you a little bit of specifics to make it more real. Yeah, that's true. Well, they said, they just kept mentioning it. It was last weekend and it was, you know, it was already getting a bit cold. And it's a big place.

We had a nice, it was in the sort of room downstairs, a nice audience, but the whole rest of the theatre was kind of empty. And because little Jimmy Osmond isn't there there yet i don't know if that started yet but um what was his excuse uh he was in liverpool oh well catch it up with an old flame yeah they just said oh this place is a bit haunted i don't know why they mentioned it they kept saying oh yeah there's a couple of ghosts here i was like yeah yeah yeah and then twice while i was there because i was there for a few hours i went to the toilet and both times the there was no light on in quite big toilet blocks yeah uh

complete in complete darkness complete darkness yeah i mean i really aside from the paranormal issues i had to be very careful of course and uh and uh you know they just would say oh yeah it's up there two flights up that way you help yourself a lot of ghosts in this place and then you know that's all i need to do then is go and have a wee in the dark thinking about whether it was haunted yeah and then in the second one i turned around and there was a big mirror in the darkness behind me so a huge dark figure loomed out over the seat oh i hate it when that happens thank god yeah do you think that's where the ghosting came from the dark and mirror dark figure loomed out over the seats. Oh, I hate it when that happens. Thank God you was in a toilet. Yeah.

Do you think that's where the ghosting came from, the darkened mirror? Yeah, I mean, I think that, because I was confident that that was my reflection and I got over that. Yes, yes. Although you don't normally look like a little old Victorian lady. No, you don't get that. Perhaps if I fainted more.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's a stitchback. Let me write that down. Yeah, so you're not convinced? No, no, it was more, they more gave me the willies. It wasn't, I don't think there's any... Well, we'll leave that right there.

You know, I try to, I think people are very dismissive of the whole ghost thing. They are. I sense that you might be one of them. No, not really. I'm quite into it, but I don't want people thinking I'm silly. I'm not into it like it's Radiohead.

I'm into ghosts. But people are mega into it. Well, only last week we were talking to Rhys Shearsmith about it. Though he's in a play about ghosts, I don't think he actually believes that was the sense I got. We're going to talk more about Rob Deering's tour in a minute. So I want to find out where we can see Rob Deering in the near future. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio,

the softest minty show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Rob does a quiz called Beat This, which is sort of a pop quiz, but with nothing except you, if you know what I mean, and the contestants, that you are a sort of music machine. Yeah, it's all live. That's the fun bit.

So Rob plays guitar, and you have to try and recognise stuff. It's very great fun to play. I competed in it quite recently. And may I say Rob's a bit strict as a question master have I right? I think that Rob is a very genial chap but on the night he was saying look I don't want any of that no conferring

I'm serious no conferring really I like a man who takes a quiz well if you're going to play a game you've got to play it right I totally agree with that I've had some big rows with people about board games and stuff like that because you gotta you gotta be in it to win it well what's the point otherwise you know you do it for fun but the best way to have fun is you do it properly exactly yeah i'm with you if you cheat

you're just cheating yourself i also agree with that and i'm the person you're cheating and you're cheating yourself into winning whereas they're being cheated and losing without deciding to cheat well we don't know that they're losing it might be cheating as a last effort on your way to losing yourself yeah so you're just trying to win a bit of

self respect it's like you've lost everything well what kind of self respect have you got if you're cheating none oh I've got plenty thank you very much well good luck with that you've got none with thank you very much. Yeah, well, good luck with that. You've got none with your regular mock fainting.

So where can we see you, Rob? If you're in London, you can see me on my only London date of this tour, tonight at the Mildmay Club in N16. Stoke Newington? Yeah. Anywhere near the fabulous cemetery? It's not that near. It's closer to Islington than that.

I like a nice cemetery and that's a beauty. Abney Park, where the booths who started the Salvation Army are interred. Is that right? Because I thought the Salvation Army bloke was buried in Bon Hill Cemetery where William Blake, Daniel Defoe and John Bunyan lie.

I can't believe we're discussing cemeteries on Absolute Radio. There isn't enough cemetery talk on commercial radio. I've said that. If I've said that once, I've said it twice. So what else are you up to, Rob? You're a man who rarely rests on the work front. No, I keep him busy. I've got lots of gigs between now and Christmas, but the tour is... There's two more dates. There's one in Fairham and one in Portsmouth, and they'll be fun. And then got lots of gigs between now and Christmas, but the tour is, there's two more dates. There's one in Fairham and one

in Portsmouth, and they'll be fun. And then it's Christmas gigs. Mainly I'll be in Brighton. So you, as I say, I think of you as a very musical man, but it just occurs to me I don't really know things like what your favourite band is and stuff like that. You seem to be a man, you seem

to be a musical everyman. Yeah, I'm eclectic, but they're off i tend to you know i try and do jokes about the canon you know songs everyone's gonna uh relate to but when you when you're alone yeah i listen to it's still pretty diverse but much more obscure like a bit of bleepy bleepy music film music john barry flaming lips like your fall very nice when i'm in the mood yeah they made a lot of records. But, you know, I'm all over the place. I'm a magpie.

It's pick and mix for me. Yeah. You're actually a magpie. Yeah. Yeah, give me a salute because there's only one of you. There's only one. I bring sorrow. You bring sorrow to my show.

With your fond new hair and your eyes blue Only thing I ever get from you Is sorrow Everybody, come on, let me hear you. Sorrow Oh, I'm loving it. Do you know that Bowie wrote Golden Years for Frank Sinatra? No.

Yeah, true fact. Is that right? Yeah. Do you know that Elton John wrote Tiny Dancer for Wayne Sleep? No, he kept that under his hat. I'll tell you what else he keeps under his hat. No, he won't go into that. So, look, Rob, it's been absolutely fabulous talking to you, as ever.

You're such a nice man. Oh, I love him. So go and see Rob, because he's very funny. And if you love comedy, you, as ever. You're such a nice man. Oh, I love him. So go and see Rob, because he's very funny. And if you love comedy, you'll love him. If you love music and comedy, you'll double love him.

That was Rob Deering. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts in on 8.12.15. We've got a pavement racing text. This could be one of my favourites. Frank, I realise that I too am a pavement racer. You see, again, he's insisting on pavement racing.

The lunatics have taken over the asylum. But I do it with a sack truck with a lot of mail and freight on it delivering around the city of Adelaide in South Australia and I burn people with briefcases and satchels all day, every day. Does that mean I'm in some kind of heavyweight division of pavement racing? Yeah, you are. I mean, that's an impediment.

A sack trunk is one of those things you push, isn't it? Yes, that's right. So there's no mechanical aid. No, I'd say that's handicap racing. He does say, Al, his name is, as you are the godfather of modern day PR, any information would be great. Yes. Do you think he was, that should be for Charles Sartre.

Yeah, well, I'm very glad to, what I like now, we started off talking, I want to start calling it pavement racing as well. We started off talking about, you know, the standard stuff I'm doing and there's been people, there's variations. Smashing. We've got a fainting email from Corporal Paul.

Oh, Corporal. He says, I see where you're coming from, Frank, with the no fainting thing, but it does exist. I fainted while on the parade ground in the army and the bayonet on the end of my rifle went through the top of my shoulder. I've not fainted since. Well, I mean, he could have lost an entire epaulette.

Where is he based? Currently listening with the lads in the guard room in Cyprus. Oh, hi, lads. Oh, calm down, calm down. Oh, I love those lads. The guard room, isn't that the prison? I think it's the room for the guards. Oh, I don't want prisoners.

Don't you get, I think they might. I don't want prisoners, I want soldiers. I don't want prisoners I think they might I don't want prisoners, I want soldiers I don't want to do them a disservice, don't get me wrong I don't want to do them a dissmilitary service I hate to say it Frank, but this sort of backs up your theory because he says that he fainted and then the bayonet went through his shoulder and then he's not fainted since

No The question is, I suspect I suspect he didn't hit the ground because the support thing, he was like a tripod. Suspended there. He was like a camera. Yeah. That's what tripods are often beneath.

Oh, dear. What else? Okay, I'll tell you something. Well, I've got something else, actually, because we've had two conversions today. Have you? There was the loft, and what was the else, actually, because we've had two conversions today. Have you? There was the loft, and what was the other one? I wonder why we had those posts.

Oh, and I've become a Presbyterian. I remember. I forgot that one completely. Hi, Frank. You've totally converted me to the fall. Can you please let me know from which album White Lightning is taken from? And dear Frank, I'm 14,

and I've been converted to The Ways of the Fall, and of course, Emily is gorgeous. Oh, I love that. That's a a good question which album is white lightning from i played white lightning because i saw the fall on on tuesday night in um camden town in london and they ended with white lightning that was their uh but so that i thought that would be apt i was going to play mozarewi's daughter which they played which is from the album Dragnet, and they haven't played for many years apart from this last week. But I was told it wasn't suitable for Saturday morning listening. So did you enjoy the Fall gig?

No, so I played the Frog Chorus by Paul McCartney. Now maybe everyone's happy. Yes, I did. I'll tell you what, though. I went to, first of all, on my way to the Fall gig, I went to the King James Bible launch, which I think I told you about last week. Extraordinary cocktail. Yes.

The Duke of Edinburgh was there and he didn't speak, the Duke of Edinburgh. That's for the best. He got up and he stood right by the microphone and they gave him a free Bible and everyone thought he was going to speak and then he walked off the stage. did he i'm thinking you know they say he's gonna he's winding down now

next year because he's 90 in june he's going to stop doing public i think he's going to do a few completely mute public performances as a wind down just to get him used to him not being there yeah and then he said yeah he did he did do a thing that he was being pulled by an imaginary rope. Which I think represented the state. Anyway. White Lightning is from the album Shiftwork. Oh, is it? Thank you very much. I love that, you know. It's like living in

a sort of Google world. Anyway, the old Bible thing was very interesting. Was it? I met a man. What did they serve? What are the nibbles like at these things? Well, they brought out all these bottles of water. But, you know, within ten minutes, it was a lovely Beaujolais. Anyway, I met Professor and there was loaves and fishes.

I thought, that won't be enough for all. Oh, I'm stuffed, I said. That'll do me with a loaf. I couldn't eat it. Look at all the crumbs. Anyway, I met Professor Gordon Campbell. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Was he a low, low?

No, he's got a very long beard. Always got a long beard. But he wrote a book about the King James Bible. And he knows all about it. Do you know that they printed a version that had a misprint in it that said they missed the not out of thou shalt not commit adultery.

It's absolutely true. Very popular edition. Very popular edition that one. That's the one that's Is that the one they gave the Duke of Edinburgh? That's the one they always put in hotel rooms, I reckon. If the Duke of Edinburgh's been given that one, it means he can now go and commit adultery if he wants to.

He's got the paperwork. So you went to the fall after the Bible thing? I went, yeah, I asked if anyone wanted a lift to the fall gig, and funnily enough, no one did. Usually you have to fall at the start of the Bible. Very good. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. You should have ended it and you could do that,

have the fall to open and then end by watching the film Armageddon. That'd be perfect. Not as good. Not as good. Should have stopped halfway I thought. He's gone too far. Yeah, that's what he's done. Anyway, our guest or can I just say

Timothy West got up and read a large chunk of Matthew's Gospel judge ye not for as ye judge so shall ye be judged which to be honest if I'd have been

paged last week I would have said to Simon Cowell anyway he read all that out and he read a whole lovely in his actor's voice a whole chunk

of Matthew's Gospel and I said to this chap I said what did you think of that he said it was a bit retro He read all that out, and he read a whole, lovely in his actor's voice, a whole chunk of Matthew's Gospel. And I said to this chap, I said, what did you think of that? He said, it was a bit retro. What do you mean by that? It was a bit retro. It's the Bible. Anyway, next week our guest is Lee Mack.

How good is that? Oh. Not the Weekend podcast is available on Wednesday. I'm plugging the Not the Weekend. Don't ever interrupt me when I'm doing that. Original, different material from this show. You can only hear it on our podcast. So that's on Wednesday. That'll be available.

Ben Jones is next. Is there anything else? Oh, there goes Elton in his little piano-type train. Bye. Bye. Yes, exactly. See you. Take care of yourself.

Shall we do a standing ovation? We did a lot of standing ovations. Let him pass first. Let him pass. Yeah, we did a lot of standing. I've never done so much standing in my life. Anyway, it's Jones time. I think that's what we should say.

It's been lovely being on today, as it always is. And God bless you all. Good day to you. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning.

Absolute Radio.