The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Sarah Millican

Episode Date: January 22, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about Gordan Ramseys nightmare hair, Paul Daniels toupee and the British Comedy Awards.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

It's December 2012. A deserted building site. A man in a crumpled security guard uniform walks through the cold night, rubbing his hands together. The rain begins to fall and he thinks to himself, and to think, I used to be Alan Johnson's bodyguard. Wowee. I like my Eastern Europe with a twist.

And that was back in the USSR by Chubby Checker. Oh, I love Chubby. Get it? With a twist? Chubby Checker. Oh, yeah. I'm there, I'm there. Who was Chubby Checker named after then?

A board game. No. He was a big fan of Fats Domino. So his name is a version of Fats Domino. Is that right? Chubby. And then Checker instead of... Do you see?

Do you see what he did? Chubby. Anyway. So, do you know I once played in a softball, a celebrity softball game? Did you? In the Veterans Stadium, Philadelphia. I was captained by Bill Cosby.

He was the captain. Meatloaf played, John Grisham. Ron Howard played. John Grisham. And I remember Adam Sandler looking at all these assembled stars in the dressing room and saying, let me get this right,

Chobby Checker is a no-show and i don't know for some reason it gave me particular joy it's the little things in life isn't it um welcome um to everyone listening um i'm frank skinner i'm with um emily and gareth you forgot our names a bit there just for a second i told you we needed their name badges still i'm keen on the name badges. As I said to you this morning, you've changed since you had those crisps named after you. I know. You never know what's going to go to your head in this business.

But, yeah, Frank Roast Dinner. That was it for me. So, yes, welcome. Welcome. And Chompy Checker. Yeah, that's that. Played that. That's that done. Hold on a minute. That's the morning! Yeah, that's that. Played that. That's that done. Hold on a minute. That's the morning!

Yeah, that's my aide de mémoire. Oh, I've had a difficult week, as you can probably tell by my blustering. I had, as you may know, I have a girlfriend. Some think I'm a bit old to have a girlfriend in that phrase. What do you mean? Oh, I say it should be a wife. Or should it be a car man? Or a lady friend. Lady friend is...

No, lady friend is just someone you're seeing on the side, isn't it? No, it isn't. That's what I always am. I remember my mum always used to say, of course, Mr Shaw, he's got a fancy woman. And I love the idea of a fancy woman. Anyway, so me and my girlfriend, we had quite a big row. We had a row that was so big on Sunday

that I did something I've never done before as an antidote to being in a row. No, it's not what you think. I didn't go all David Soule. I went to bed. The row was so intense. This is like in the day. It was so intense.

I went to bed for three hours. That was my... So you removed yourself from the row? In big time, I slept. You slept there? I was so exhausted. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go and have a sleep.

Mid-row. When I got up, Kath was still rowing. I think she'd probably continued for the whole three hours. I hadn't noticed I'd left the room. Can I just say, if I was Kath, that would have irritated me so much. Do you know why? Well, he was hoping. No, that you could sleep during a row.

How can you do that? I know, that's right. I think it's those sleeping tablets you ground up and put in my coffin. While I was sleeping, she told me that she'd been on the internet for two hours looking at flats. Wow.

That's what I call a row. Look at us. We can't know what it's about, no? What can you know what it was about? No, it was so trivial and stupid. They always are. Yeah, it was What can you know what it was about? No, it was so trivial and stupid. They always are. So you were wrong. Yes, you're right.

It was about come fly with me. No. No, it wasn't. It was... You know, some people... When I'm in a row, I sometimes think, oh, I've had enough of this row now. Yeah. Can we just come back to being normal?

But I want to go back, ping, like that. I don't want to have two days of talking about our relationship. I just want to go, oh go on, just go on, what are you going? Anyway, so should we go? That's what I want it to be like. I mean, she don't like that. She likes a ramp at the beginning and at the end.

You have to have a ramp. No, I don't like a ramp. That's what I'm like. I mean, I think traditionally like that. She likes a ramp at the beginning and at the end. Yes, you have to have a ramp. No, I don't like a ramp. That's what I'm like. I mean, I think traditionally you would think that it was, you know, gender roles, but I need closure. I need to talk about it. Laura, like if we start, if we have an argument too late. Garrett's wife.

My wife. She can just go to sleep. Oh, she's like Frank. Yeah. Like two peas in a pod, you and Laura. I thought I'd invented this going to sleep. can do that oh she's like frank yeah what's that two peas in a pod you and laura i thought i'd invented this going to sleep that's a good idea some people not in the day she doesn't just go to sleep some people they have apparently and i know it's a little early in the morning but it's but they have the uh they have the physicals at the end of it they have the

physicals to get it and they say it's the best physicals they ever have, but I fear if I'm having it and there's still a bit of the row in me, it could lead to strangling. Oh, God, Frank. So I don't, no, I don't get, I don't do that. I don't approve of that, Frank. Why should they get a treat? Well, strangling, I don't. No, the conjugals, why should they get a treat if they'd be mean?

That's not fair. Yeah, you shouldn't use it as a weapon. No. No treat for you! I also don't think you should assume it's a treat, necessarily. It is if you come round mine, honey. Well, if anyone has got any advice of how to get out of a row,

I would very much like to hear from you on 8-12-15. I say 8-12-15. Let me hear you say it! 12-15! 12-15! That's the sort of spiritual version of it. Our guest today is Sarah Millican. Sarah Millican.

Sarah Millican. She's a proper friend of the show. Oh, she is a bona fide. I'm going to press the... Friend of the show. She is properly a friend. She's also a double nominee at tonight's Comedy Awards. So, you know, we only get the best in here.

Let's face it. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I was asking people how to get out of an argument. I believe we've had replies. We have.

That's more than I got during the argument most of the time. We've had some texts in. We've had Milo from Newport, Frank. Milo, I'm liking it. He says, Frank, the best way out of an argument with a woman is to give up. They're right, we're wrong. Is he in the likely lads, my love, in the 1960s? No one says that anymore, do they?

They're right, we're wrong. I quite like his worldview. It's very simple. Well, you would like it. But I like the, yeah, I like this sort of unashamed, old-fashioned attitude to the gender. Well, my way to get out of the row is to end the relationship. It works every time. Yeah, I've used that for a long time.

But it led to periods of desperate loneliness. We're on absolute radio, ladies and gentlemen. You found a nice one now, though. I did. You just had the wrong women. I found it. No, that's not true. I went out with some fabulous women. In fact, I might list them after the news.

No, don't do that. No, maybe I won't. We can't handle the lawsuit. We don't have the time. Anyone else? Yeah, we've had one from D4V3. Oh, is that a robot? What's that?

That's coordinates. We don't have enough robots sending in. Do you think he's on a raft adrift at sea? I feel we should help him in some way. When the fight is at its peak, smile and tell them they look lovely. It always works. That's not a bad idea, is it? That is good.

But I wouldn't like Kat to start thinking she's at her loveliest when she's screaming at me. You might think you require that all the time. I don't want that in my life. I like the quiet life. I'm a bit worried that want that in my life. I like the quiet life. I'm a bit worried that it's all from men. I like the quiet life.

It's all from men saying stuff like, you know what they're like. Don't women have any saying this? Well, there is one from a lady called Jane. Most of the time when I... My dear lady Jane, can I see you again? Carry on. Most of the time when I row with my boyfriend, there comes a point when we both end up laughing

at the ridiculousness of it all. The trouble really starts if only one of us starts laughing. That's true. Yeah. I don't think I've ever reached the ridiculous laughing stage. Have you not? No, not that I can think of. The ridiculous crying stage.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, that's good for... Like, I don't do it on purpose, but sometimes me crying has helped end the argument. Oh, good. Do you cry? Yeah, sometimes I've cried.

Real tears, or little girl on Britain's Got Talent, can I see you again tears? No, real. Oh, OK. Only when it's... I can't turn it. I can't turn on the waterworks on purpose. Do you cry a lot? I'm not that feminine. Oh, OK. Only when it's... I can't turn it. I can't turn on the waterworks on purpose. Do you cry a lot?

I'm not that feminine. Oh, whoa. This has all gone very... Oh, dear. This is probably back in the 70s. This is the Battle of the Sexes. Yeah. It's happened to Garrett.

Someone said, yeah. What? I decided not to read that one out after all before vetting. Sensible. Yeah, don't read that one out. OK. So, Gordon Ramsay, speaking of the battle of the sexes.

What, has he not decided? No, I think, well, they seem to be battling against humanity. He looked terrible. There's a picture of him in the paper today, isn't there? Frank, his face has collapsed. I mean, in fact,

if you want to get a copy of today's son, everyone, page 41, there's a lovely picture of him. Yeah, I mean... Shows him in full effect, page 41, the son. Yeah, OK. So let us know what you think. Good advert for the papers there. Yeah, he...

Well, he's supposed to have had an air transplant, first of all. Yeah, there were suggestions, weren't there? £30,000. Wow. That's... Get a hat. Get a hat. Get a hat. Get a hat outside the Albion ground for about a tenner.

Anyway, they don't think it through. They said they got money. They got money to throw about. It wasn't because of the transplant. There were other reasons. He was allergic. It was an allergy to horses and he had gasoline poured on him by gangsters in Venezuela.

Well, yeah. Costa Rica. Oh, sorry. Costa Rica. Venezuela. That would be all right. No, well, yeah. Costa Rica. Oh, sorry, Costa Rica. Costa Rica, Venezuela, that would be all right. No, well, yes, it says here, I had petrol dosed, gasoline poured all over my hair,

and I had an horrific infection. Seems to me the middle of that story is missing, because once the gangsters have tipped the petrol over your head, I don't want to know about the infection, I want to know what happened next. Yeah. I mean, why is he still around in this situation? Was it a Google, a bit of a Google special?

No matches? Well, I saw the documentary and it was about Shark Finch. What's a documentary about him having petrol tipped over his head? No, it was about... Why didn't you tell me that was on? Also also you've always got to use the word doused when people talk about petrol they always like to say doused well i like he said petrol and gasoline in case the story's printed um both sides of the pond as they say and he's allergic to horses i don't know why they're transplanting horse hair on him in the first place well Well, that'll be the main course.

Good night, everyone. I'm going now. Yeah, so you watched a docu... What about this, Sarah? I'm just reading something else. I was in Napa for Christmas. Is this you? No, this is... Where is... Napa Valley, California. I thought it was a slang term for bed. I was in the Napa for a couple of hours. I don't know, I'll give up with slang term for bed. I was in the nappa.

I don't know, I'll give up with the wife. You've been in Costa Rica too long. Yeah. Isn't it cottony for your head, a nappa? You know any old iron? He looks like he's dressed proper dapper from his nappa to his feet. Dressed in style, all the way, all the way. What's he doing?

He's gone like Vanessa Redgrave's BAFTA speech. Sorry. I've had a difficult week. Yeah, so he's also, he had gasoline poured over him by bandits in Costa Rica and then he got allergic to horses in Napa.

And that's why he looks like he looks. Nothing to do with face transplants and hair transplants. In this picture, though, he is standing next to David Beckham. And maybe that's just how he looks next to David Beckham. Well, we all do. He's a very, very beautiful man. But, you know, I chose brains.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, what was we talking about? Oh, Ramsey's hair thing. Actually, the South American petrol element of that story, he claims he had petrol poured over his head in Costa Rica. I was in Mexico. I was in old Mexico. Me and old Pancho, we set out a trail for Oaxaca.

That's a funny name for David Baddiel, Pancho. Yeah, well, he was in Pancho at the time. I think he was Baron Hardop. And there was a guy sitting at the... Actually, I wasn't with Dave. There was a guy sitting at the side of the road. You know when you stop at a zebra crossing? Not a zebra crossing, but traffic lights lights somebody comes and cleans your windscreen

and expects money, that kind of thing well what he was doing he was a sort of fire eater so he sat by the side of the road with a big tub full of petrol and when the cars came up he stood up, he had a man sized swig out of it lit a match

went and then went from car to car to collect change the whole bottom part of his face was completely black completely burnt black

from this thing and his hands were black and that was people were giving him like you know 4p blimey what about that for a way of making a living anyone anyone who's recently been made unemployed And that was, people were giving him, like, you know, 4p. Blimey.

What about that for a way of making a living? Anyone who's recently been made unemployed, think on. Especially when it's chilly. No, it's Mexico. Yeah, so that was the strange thing. But on the hair theme, did you see, this is not an advert for Ludwig Kennedy's Did You See, which I don't think is on air anymore. Did you see that Paul Daniels has sold his toupee on eBay?

Oh, yes, I did see that. £74. £74. I would have paid, I'd have paid a grand for it. Paul Daniels' toupee only got 74 i mean that is surely if you wore paul daniels toupee it would give you magical power surely i don't think it would be it's a sort of it's a bit of a weird squirrel color his hair isn't it it's a red squirrel i'd be fine with that what's what's that that doesn't that does that mean you only get certain kind of magical powers on climbing trees

no if you were going to wear a toupee it should be vaguely in the same ballpark as your current hair colour otherwise it might look a bit Forsythian not if I wear it just on my left shoulder just so the parrot can get a bit of extra purchase I think that's different you know I might start climbing trees again

now I come to mention it I don't think I've climbed a tree since the 70s. You're not. You don't see many middle-aged men climbing trees. Didn't Keith Richards do it and fell? He fell out of a coconut tree. Well, that's Ronnie Wood when he's in the studio next. Yeah. If you can get past the nurses.

The nurses, they don't let you get anywhere near him. Comes in with about six nurses, Ronnie Wood. And, yeah, I can't even get close to talk to him, you know. Do you know this morning... They're wheeling those screens as well. Frank, I liked it this morning before we went on air and you were saying how you had a birthday coming up and you said, oh, I'm getting old. And Daisy,

who works on the show, went, oh, that's alright, it's Ronnie Wood. Well, I was trying to work out if I'm the oldest presenter on Absolute and that was Daisy bailing me out. There was some doubt in her voice. I think she said, well, Ronnie Wood's probably older. Yes, I think he is.

I think he probably is, yeah. I don't know what he is in crow years. He must be 400 or so. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. He must be 400 or so. We've had some more texts in, Frank, about arguments and how to deal with them. OK. We've actually had one in which I rather like. He's remained anonymous.

They're all from men. Yeah. I want the female angle. Anyway, carry on. Well, he says, Morning. My wife won't let anything from the past be used in an argument.

Brilliant. What, like a metronome? He goes on. Is that from the past? Gramophone. Gramophone's better. Can we do that again? Blonderbuss. That would have been good. Don't workshop it.

What? She won't let him use anything from the past? What about blunderbuss? Blunderbuss. Blunderbuss. You rascal. That's just a funny word. Oh, dear.

Sorry. Perfect word. Okay. So, my wife wouldn't let anything from the past be used in an argument. That's a strict rule, isn't it? Well, he says that doesn't seem too unreasonable. No, incorrect. Seems very unreasonable to me.

It also included the very immediate past. Sample argument, him. I can't believe you just called me a fat pig. Her. Why are you bringing that up for? Why are you always dragging up the past? Just let it go. This was

I imposed this rule when I went out with Dr David Starkey and he was virtually silent most of the time. I think this one might be from a lady as well not definitely Hi

from 796 Hi Frankente team okay solution to rouse write a letter to each other explaining how you feel then shelve around do something distracting oh right and let's so how does this garden so you're mid scream and then you sit down at your um at your desk and we'll be writing it free, or typing it off? A quill. Wow, like a quill. Oh no, you're not allowed to use anything from the past. Don't bring up the past.

Oh no, so you'd have to use, well, even my word processor. Your Amstrad. If you've got Word 97. Can't use your Amstrad. So I get my iPad out. Yeah, then you're safe.

And then I knock up a quick, and what the letter would be about the nature of the row, or your love for that person? Well, it says do something distracting. I worry that strays dangerously into conjugals, which we've already said we're not fans of. No, no, no.

Don't worry about that. Not when you're writing a letter. You two watching telly? Frank was watching telly! I caught you! There was a race on the telly. I was just watching a bit of... I might try that.

I might try the writing a letter. Sorry, I just watched telly. Have you never seen it before? It's amazing, isn't it? It's almost as people in a box. No, I think that's a good idea, the writing letter. I don't know if you could... It's hard to carry out when you're wrestling.

I know. Maybe I could have a letter up my sleeve, ready for the occasion that I just whip out. Fill in the blanks. Yeah, exactly, put the name in at the top. Yeah, two. I think you are a... Can we just say, though, Frank, you and Kath did resolve it,

I presume, and everything was all fine. We resolved it in quite an interesting way. She phoned me up the next day and said, we should talk about this. She phoned you up? That doesn't sound good. Where were you at this point? With Lenny Henry in the travel lodge. In the same room.

Alan Johnson's bodyguard. Are you saying that Lenny Henry is Alan Johnson's bodyguard? Is he casual throwaway remarks? I'd start rumours to bring people's careers down. They haven't shown the picture yet. No, we don't know it, isn't him? But I don't know if he could hold down... He couldn't do that.

And the magicians. A man can only take so much pain. So go on, so Kath called you up. Yeah, and we met at a, I don't like to name names, but at a Cafe Nero. Nice. Which is lovely because they have a violinist in there, which is romantic, but the flames are off-putting.

So I was in Cafe Nero, and it was like, it felt like we hadn't met for years. It was like a sort of brief encounter thing. I walked in, she was sitting at a table. We drank tea. We talked. I realised it was like falling in love all over again. She seemed more beautiful than ever.

And it was great. It was almost like a little role play thing. I was dressed as a member of the French Resistance. I was dressed as a member of the French Resistance. And she is Annie Oakley, the crack-shot gone person from Buffalo Bill's Travelling Wild West show. But, you know, it worked. Thanks for that.

Ice, baby. I'm going to start alright stop it click it oh no I don't like that sounds like they're trying to get some off their fingers they probably were my girlfriend who I've spoken about a lot this morning

she's a big fan of the pressure cooker so I spend a lot of time at home having to turn the telly up really low because I go... in the background. And now I'm just going to start going... I'm working out my whole routine for this week. I'm going to climb some trees. I'm going to sing some...

That was Queen and David Bowie. It actually says on my bit of paper, Queen, David, Bowie. I thought these New Year's Honours have gone completely out of hand. Well, we've had some positive feedback from music today, Frank. Lovely. And Frank, Metronomy, another belter indie

track. I maintain that you really are turning into John Peel. Will you be doing a festive 50 this year, Tony, in Cambridge? Aww. Well, we certainly will be having another session from the fall later on always different always the same

that's as close as it gets but that's very kind I'll be compared to dead people to the cows come home it's one of my things I just wish you wouldn't bring up the past no that's lovely thank you we had a text in from Anthony from Birmingham oh Anthony from Birmingham

I'm not sure if I know him. Oh, well, he's not called R. Anthony, so you probably don't. No, maybe not. He says, Dear Frank, Gareth and Emily, I'm usually a podcast listener, as I'm normally asleep now working nights. However... Hold it.

I'm normally asleep now working nights. I don't understand that bit either. My brother had a job like that at Longbridge. now, working nights. I don't understand that bit either. My brother had a job like that at Longbridge. Yeah, maybe. Stop pointing at the telly and distracting me.

There's a bloke called Paul Lewis who's on every Saturday morning who's got the most incredible hair. His hair all goes in one direction. I know that sounds normal, but you realise when you analyse the human hair, often your hair goes in one or two different directions. Not Paul. No, one way only.

I wonder if he was in one direction. Or his hair was, at least. So anyway, so Anthony from Birmingham says he's normally sleeping. However, as you will have my two favourite comedians in the same room, in Frank and Sarah, I'm fighting a child and I still listen to it. That was a bit insensitive build up my

do you like my Simon Cowell paws oh I like your Simon Cowell paws especially the claws on the left one that's amazing I like it when you

put the whole outfit on speaking of outfits actually speaking of outfits have you prepared your outfit for this evening oh don't I feel stiff with stress, Frank. Oh, me too.

So I'm going to the Comedy Awards tonight. Oh, yes. I'm not. Can I say I'm not? Why aren't you going? And nor am I. What's wrong with you people? Well, I'll tell you why I'm not going. Because not only am I son nominathion,

I'm son invitathion. Well, are the halves going? Cass going? I know. She's going. You're going. I'm son Invertathion. Well, your other half's going. Kath's going. I know. She's going. You're going. I'm not going. Don't say you're going.

Am I the king of comedy in exile? Tell you what, name someone after a packet of crisps. Yeah, and they never get invited to anything cool ever again. But you're Frank Skinner roast dinner. You should be there. I bet Steak and Owl Pie's going. Oh, Steak and Owl Pie will be there. Jimmy Con Carney will be there.

Don't plug the other Chris. Oh, sorry. So, what are you going to wear tonight? Well, this is the problem, Frank. Because now that I work in fashion, I feel tremendous pressure, you know, to look the part. So, I've got about four dresses now to choose from oh you should narrow it down definitely well what do you think guys i think you should change like britney three awards change three awards change three awards change yeah well i've got well you know

this year they've changed it they've got celebrity entrance and non-celebrity entrance haven't you had that for years oh my i my... I'm terribly sorry. I'm terribly sorry. Oh, my God. By the way, Andy Coulson resigned. Did you know that? Did he? Imagine how the people around him must feel. Maybe even his ex-girlfriends.

They must be upset about it. What do you think, Em? So, I decided to wear tonight... I've got a black dress, which is nice. What, LBD? Oh, Frank, I love it when you get fashion right. It's an LBD, it's very va-va-voom as well. Oh, is it? What, on the top end?

Top end and bottom. Oh, my goodness. Petrol diesel. What I'm worried about, though, Frank, am I going to look a little bit Carol Wardman, she's still got it not bad for an old bird that's what worries me with a too tight dress no I know

I know what you mean you've got to be wary of that that one recently where she was okay from the front but not from behind in the catsuit

oh well Frank and I may not think the same Carol Vorderman that's Frank's neighbour you can't say he can't say I should have brought that up so

if she's listening to this now... It's in the papers. Yeah, I know, but there's a lot of things in the papers I wouldn't say on here. I thought it was fine from behind. There. Okay. That helps. Okay.

You do the math. Yeah. There's a gold dress, Frank. Is it a bit... Solid gold. Vanessa Felt's New Year's Eve party. Oh, I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean, Frank?

Yes. Yeah, gold dress. Yeah, maybe that's too... I don't know if you can be too much, but it's more strictly than comedy awards. And I've got a green... Now, hear me out. It's a nice green.

It's a lace confection. It does... It is quite busty, though. Green lace? Yes. No, it's not. Does it come does it is quite busty though green lace yes sounds good no it's not does it come with a bow and arrow

no I wouldn't mind one at the comedy awards I should warn you I've I'm firebombing the whole place at about nine o'clock

oh Frank but you know you can't have I feel like what time are we meeting up, Frank? You know Clint Eastwood? All in black. Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven.

He used to be like this big hot shot gunslinger and then he goes off to live on a farm and just turns his back on the whole... That's what I'm like. I'm Clint Eastwood on the farm. Someone's going to turn up one day and say, there's trouble in Comedy Town. I want to start drinking again

and head in there, clear up the whole place. I'm worried about it, I'll be honest with you. I don't do that anymore. What am I going to do drinking again and head in there, clear up the whole place. I'm worried about it, I'll be honest with you. I don't do that anymore. What am I going to do about the celebrity entrance? Because I'm going to turn on. I think you should have it stitched up.

Oh, stop it! Oh, my goodness. I think we should move on. We'll come back. We'll come back to... I think we should move on. The producer's doing that cut throat sign four inches from my face.

Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Tim from Catford has suggested, Frank, if you wanted an invite to the Comedy Awards, you should have offered to be the designated driver. Oh, that's a good point. No, I don't drink.

Funnily enough, the first time I ever went to the Comedy Awards, I was there in my dickie bow and all that. Do you remember there was an actor called Ronald Fraser? Comedy actor. Oh, vaguely, yeah. Yeah. And he walked up to me and I thought, God, Ronald Fraser's approaching me.

He must know who I am. And he said, is my car ready? So I did a gig last night and one of the other acts said to me, can I have a lighter 18, please? Thinking I was the sound person, because, you know, you flash people. And what did he want? A lighter 18? A lighter 18. Sorry, that's a bit...

Oh, it's very technical. I thought you said... Oh, there's a bit of technical material there. I thought you said a lighter 18. Can I just say, Frank, we've had no tea. We've had no tea. And do you know why that is? I know exactly, because I just say Frank we've had no tea we've had no tea and do you know why that is I know exactly

because I just went to the toilet and Sarah Millican is in an adjoining room and all our staff everyone from Absolute is gathered round her and I could just I could just hear her voice

I know she'll forgive me this impression saying well then what about and then laughter massive just one after the next

she's storming it She's storming it. She's storming it next door. And the lady who makes our tea, Daisy, has just stopped to listen. Yeah, we're parched. Yeah, but you know, Sarah's got two nominations for the comedy awards. I've got none.

So that's what you have to live with in this crazy old world. She'll be in in a minute, Sarah. Thank God. Frank, we've had some texts in. She's stopped the whole place. Oh, it's chaos since she's arrived. With her crazy God. Frank, we've had some texts in. She's stopped the whole place. Oh, it's chaos since she's arrived. With her crazy comedy. Frank, we've had some texts in.

Fair, good. We've had Dave Coxon. Wasn't he in Blur? Anyway, he's in... Oh, sorry. All right. Dave was the drummer. It's very aggressive the way you said that.

Graham! Yeah, he's a bit of a Blur fan. His life's a Blur. I've often said that. Dave Coxon from Durham. Lionel Blur. You know we were talking about Paul Daniel's tou blur. I've often said that. Dave Coxon from Durham. Lionel Bloom. You know we were talking about Paul Daniel's toupee. Yeah.

His rug is still on eBay. It finishes today. There have been 48 bids so far. The highest bid is £1,120. Well, that's more like it. So I was erroneously told it went for £74. You can still get it. How much is it? £1,000? £120. How much did your... Because we should say at this point, you can still get it. How much is it? 1,000? 120. How much did your...

We should say at this point, you put your hair on eBay. Can I say that was real, though? Yeah, I know. A toupee? Does a toupee have your own hair on it? No, but it's human hair. Unless you're really cheap. It's not Paul Daniels, it's human hair. He says it's one of his theatrical wigs. Theatrical, is it?

I could come round our house and tell me stories about working with Sir John Gielgud. I look forward to that. I'm hiding from Ellen Bedell. It's a little... That's my only John Gielgud. I can do something impressive, but I can only say one thing when I do them. We've had some other texts in. Good.

We had one in which says, Help, my car keys have gone to Pyland from James in Bomo. Now, that is a reference to a thing we did on the podcast, which you told the story, didn't you, Gareth? It was Iris Murdoch and John Bailey. Their house was so filthy. Iris Murdoch was a novelist. I don't know John Bailey.

He was a writer as well. Oh, yeah. He was a plus one, let's face it, at the Literary Awards. He didn't go through the celebrity entrance. No, I don't think he did. I imagine there's a literary entrance there. They did have a literary entrance

because it was so messy. Oh, I see. Literary, very good. It's nearly up there with Blunderbuss. a literary entrance because it was so messy. Oh, I say literate very good. Literary. It's nearly up there with Blunderbuss. You're so funny that you might even get people on the show

to talk to you. What do you mean? No, I meant in reference to Sarah Millican. Oh, I see what you mean on the show. I wasn't being rude. I thought you meant me.

Don't put me on the pressure. Under pressure. So go on, guys. That was Pylons. They used to say Pylons. Yeah, they used to say, because once they had a pie and they lost it.

They lost a pie in the house. Never found the pie. And so when they lost things, they said it had gone to Pylons. I wonder what happened to that pie. That's this week's funny. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest

show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. And blow me if we ain't been joined by Sarah Millican. How are you? How are you? Absolutely.

Sorry, I haven't got your mic up there. Oh, I'll say it again. Hello. You won a Comedy Award nomination and your mic up? Not in this show. Sarah's more than friend of the show, Frank. She's like our Sarah, you would call her. I think this is your third time. I think that might be the first guest who's done three trips.

Is that right? Lee Mack. Lee Mack. And Charles Bronson as well. You could have totally lied. You could have totally lied and said yes, just to make me feel nice. Charles Bronson hasn't actually been here.

We've talked about him. Three times, yeah. He's friend of the show, sorry. If he turns up, let's face it, we'll have to barricade the studio. So we were just talking about the fact that Emily has got her frock sorted. She's on this four in the frame.

Four? Yeah. What about yourself? Well, I had, like, a spay dress that I didn't use for the Royal Variety. A what dress? Spay. Spay?

Isn't that what they do to animals to stop them having children? Spay. Just a spay one. Oh, spay. That I hadn't used. Oh, OK. But then I put it on

and I felt a bit like a quality street because it's purple. What colour? Oh, purple's good, okay. But then I put it on and I felt a bit like a quality street because it's in purple. What colour? Oh, purple's good though. But then I said to my boyfriend, because it's obviously, because it's on the telly, in this dress, I don't want to win because I'd have to get on the stage. So he said maybe you should go and get a dress that you want

to win in. Yeah, that's true. So I've got another one now. But I managed to get a bit knocked off because it's coming away. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. It's coming away in various places but it's really nice. Oh!

Sarah! I got 10% knocked off. That's an extraordinary outfit. But then she said because I've never asked for money off ever but I was inspired by somebody who told me

they got money off yesterday. So I said, is there any chance I could get some, maybe some money knocked off? And she said I could take 10% off.

You're on the telly, aren't you? Oh, no. Because you just don't want to be seen as a cheapskate and famous. Great. Brilliant. Thanks very much. So I have a dress. I'm not convinced that it's the right one.

Why have you got four? Can I ask a question, Emily? Why have you got four? I need to feel covered. Well, no, I won't be covered at all, actually, if the dress I want to wear aren't wet. But I need to feel what i've covered every eventuality i mean thanks suggests i change into them throughout the evening yes like like jennifer lopez you know who's maybe presenting an award come out well

why choose jennifer lopez as an analogy i think she's just she's not very good at choosing one outfit no i think she's just we all have our faults. She's still Jenny on the block. That's her one fault. She would be if I brought back execution. So, can I say you're absolutely on the crest of a wave, Sarah. Thank you. Every time you come, you've gone a bit more famous and successful. Isn't it fabulous? Yeah. Oh, come on, it is.

It's ridiculous is what it is. Yeah. I used to work in a job centre. It's very strange to me to have this kind of life but I'm enjoying it I think I got papped the other day for the first time what do you mean with a car horn? you shouldn't just step out like that

that ice cream could have been you I was going to say that's pooped but that's something else entirely somebody asked for my autograph and then a man took a photo of me later on down the street and I thought, he doesn't know who I am. But he saw me signing an autograph and thought she must be somebody. So he took a photo and then he'll get in and he'll go,

does anybody know who that is? And just show it around. I think you underestimate your celebrity. Should we say, by the way, and we should say, that you are, apart from all this, you're on tour. Yes, I am indeed. You're still at the Coalface, let's remember that.

Oh, good, absolutely. It's still the best part of the job. You sound like someone who should be at the Coalface, if you don't mind me saying. My dad was. I'm such a cliche. My dad was as well. Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, he was in West Cornforth in County Durham. Oh, really? A mine that doesn't even exist anymore. What was his job? I don't know. He probably told me, but... Somebody with coal. He could have worked in the canteen.

Oh, well, he might have done. No, I think he went down. He got dirty. He got dirty. Yeah. Canteen still. Yeah, true. Mainly gravy, looking back.

That might explain it. So you're on tour at the moment. Yes, I'm halfway through. I've done 60 gigs and I've got another 60 to go wowie yeah I know that is a big tour I think

the tour now stands at 121 dates yes and I like the phrase now stands so it might get longer that could change well no

this one's not going to get longer but then they're sort of starting to think about booking the next one which would start in the autumn so it's yeah it's great but it's crackers

yeah because the venue that I'm doing like the venues are much bigger on this leg because this is the leg that we added which would start in the autumn. So it's great, but it's crackers. Yeah. Because the venue that I'm doing, the venues are much bigger on this leg because this is the leg that we added when the first one went well. And the venue in Liverpool, I'm doing a 1600 seater. It's the Philharmonic.

I feel like I should have at least a band behind us. What a waste of a stage and brilliant acoustics. Me just telling rude jokes. I feel like I should do at least a couple of forward rolls to fill up the stage. Well, there's time. There's time to work on them. A couple of cartwheels.

If only you'd got one ready for your acceptance tonight. Yeah, I could do a backward one maybe tonight. That would be a good one, because that's comedy if it's bum first, isn't it? So we'll give it a go. Yeah, comedy if it's bum first. I've always said that. I've always said that. I've always said that. Frank,

Frank, we've had a text in about Sarah, actually. It says, Frank, did you... No, don't panic. It's only me that panics when we get those in. Frank, did you see Sarah on Graham Norton? I thought she really disarmed the US guests with her spicy anecdotes. Yeah, it was...

I just disarmed them. With PDD, you probably had to disarm several of them. I just removed all of the weapons and then did some jokes. That's enough. Yeah, I think remove weapons before jokes is a good tip for any new comic. We only have this excellent.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You somebody, Kings of Leon. It's not my sentiment. I've got to make that clear. Sarah Millican is with us. Sarah Millican, who was on Graham Norton's show last night. Yes.

Watched, not by Meg, so have an early night on a Friday. Fair enough. That's that sort of age group, aren't you? I have to get up at six o'clock on a Friday. That's fair enough, yeah, that sort of age group on you. I have to get up at six o'clock on a Saturday morning. Ronnie Wood's older, Ronnie Wood's older. Ronnie Wood's older,

so it's not an age thing, it's just a Frank thing. Ronnie Wood, of course, sleeps upside down, so that's different. But we, but Gareth,

who's the youngest member of the team, he was watching. Did you appoint him to watch it? Yeah, exactly. He did it

of my own free will. He's our sort of version of Sky Plus. He comes in and he just tells us to watch it. What happens? My dad does that. Like, if I'm watching, if I haven't watched a programme and I've sort of chosen not to watch a programme, but he's watched it, when he tells us about it,

he'll tell us it, like, frame by frame. Oh, no, that's hard work, isn't it? When in your life do you realise someone's just describing tv to me exactly yeah or a film and then the fella said okay this is a long conversation no but you and p diddy on the same sofa that is a wonderful thing it's a bit weird isn't it because he was talking about these parties and things and you just think i know're both human, but that's the only similarity. We've got nothing else in common at all. You've been to a party.

Well, no, because I like party food, but I don't like parties. So we got, because we bought some platters over Christmas and just ate them, you know, in the house. Some what, darling? You know, like platters. Oh, OK. Have you ever been in a freezer shop, Emily? I know what they are, the freezers. But have you ever been in a freezer shop, Emily? I know what they are.

The freezers. But have you ever been in a freezer shop, Emily? She definitely has. Have you ever been in one of those shops where they have tubs that you can shovel your own cornflakes? You've never been in one? Well, that's what that is. Is it like a cereal pick and mix?

I like the sound of that. Yeah, but then you can go, like, rice, and then you can have like marshmallows. It's quite random. So I'm totally going to take you shopping one day. You take me proper clothes shopping to make me look like a proper girl. And everything we buy will have a proper hem on it.

Everything will have a proper hem on it. I have a theory that Sarah might have loosened those hems herself to get 10% off. Just grow one thumbnail for about a fortnight. That's a good idea. So P did, he wasn't, I mean, did you chat to him after, was he?

He sort of disappeared afterwards. He wasn't going to, I didn't expect him to go in the green room, to be honest, because he would have been bombarded by people. But I did have a few words with him afterwards. He was really nice. And Vince Vaughan was adorable. It was just weird to be the meat in that sandwich, you know.

Not a rose between thoughts, just a big slice of ham. So you said you didn't see them afterwards. Anyway, so tonight I should specify, you're up for Best Television Female Comic and Best Female Comedy Breakthrough Artist. Was that on Hole in the Wall? Oh, that's a good joke. It's a bit odd in a way, isn't it, that they still have categories with male and female in them.

Why not just ask... Well, I think that's why I'm in two, because there wasn't think there wasn't enough nominees for six nominees over two categories, so they put me in twice. We're not going to put it with any modesty on this show. OK, I'm brilliant twice. You're on the crest of a comedy wave. Just enjoy it. I'm excited, but it's still...

It'd be nice to have at least one. Oh, that's good of you to... That's like when we're at the Albion And Adrian Charles says to me Would you accept a draw at this stage? So you'd settle for one Yeah, I'm not going to kick off If I only get one

If you don't get the one If I get the first one Then I might be a bit disappointed If I don't get the second one Like in the order of the night But if I don't get the first one There's going to be a proper pet lip on By the time the second award comes round But then again If you get. But if I don't get the first one, there's going to be a proper pet lip on by the time the second award comes

round. But then again, if you get the first one and don't get the second one, you might lose your temper and throw the first one. Oh, there'll be purple flying everywhere. It'll be like somebody's in the whole ten equality streets. No, she's not wearing the purple. No, I might bring it and just show you it and you can laugh.

You might get some anti-papal protesters mistaken. I'll show you how good the hem is. I bet it's got a good hem on it. The rest of it's quite substandard. But yeah, I'm looking forward to it. I think I've never been to anything like that before. I've never been to like a live award,

like a televised awards thing before. Have you got any tips for us? You must have been to these things loads of times. Say something massively funny when you get up. I have got something in mind, but I'm not going to... I'll tell you after. No, don't tell us. Have you got two speeches lined up?

No. What if you win two? I'll just go see them again. Oh, I don't know if that's all right. Remember I was funny last time. That's your luck. It'd be great to go up. Maybe I could do the set-up of a joke and then do the same crunch line. No, no, It'd be great to go up Maybe I could do the set up of a joke

Knock knock That'd be optimism wouldn't it What do you call What do you Knock knock Knock knock and then walk off Yeah that'd be If you got a bit of inside information

You could do that When you knew someone. Oh, Emily knows. Emily knows. Does she know everything? Does she know everything? Oh, she knows. Andy...

Anyway. Stop it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Thank you. So, as you mentioned briefly, you also did the Royal Variety performance recently and stormed it. Yeah, it went all right.

You didn't get to meet the royals after, did you? No, we didn't. They came, like, we had to stand all in our lines, you know, ready to meet the royals. And then this guy came out and said, I'm really sorry, but they've had to leave in, like, a had to stand all in our lines, you know, ready to meet the royals. And then this guy came out and said, I'm really sorry, but they've had to leave in, like, a van, a police van. I might be making the van bit up. No, I think they did leave in a van. Yeah, I thought so.

Because it was the night they got attacked by student protesters. It was surprising that any of us made them laugh, because, you know, it was quite a traumatic sort of journey in. But anyway, they'd gone, so I just saw Take That and I just launched myself at them instead. Because they're my royalty, you know. And I just went over and accosted them and I met four of them. I've still got Howard to collect, but then I'll be done.

I've got two Howards if you want to swap. I cloned him in the early 90s. It's good to know It's always good to have a spare Howard Isn't it? Is that true? Is that one of your mottos for life? What, it's always good to have a spare Howard?

Yes It is now You're a loose woman as well now Yes, can we capitalise the L and the W Just to make sure everybody knows what that is? Yes, I just joined last, my first one was last Monday and I did Thursday as well. So you're going to be a regular on that? Yeah, yeah. It's really fun. It's just like, it's like having a coffee morning, but it's on the telly.

It's so much fun. And like the second time I was on a Thursday, they had to contact the lawyers. And they go, this isn't good. Yeah, because I wanted to use a rude word. And I was all ready with loads of euphemisms,. Yeah, because I wanted to use a rude word. And I was all ready with loads of euphemisms, but they were happy for me to use the rude word. So I did. And then it was so funny

because loads of people are like, oh my God, everybody else on the panel looked really shocked. And I was like, yeah, we'd already gone over that.

They knew. They knew what I was going to say. Everybody was prepaid. They were just distancing themselves. That's scary. I didn't even think about it like that. They were just

leaving me to hang. You want to watch them? Yeah, I didn't even think about it like that They were just leaving me to hang You want to watch then? Yeah, I will do actually now Now that you've turned me on to the evil ways It's really fun I was fascinated to read, Sarah I didn't know this about you That you used to work in a sort of audio book Yeah, I used to produce audio books

I'm slightly fascinated by audio books I was looking at a sci-fi chat room recently on the internet books yeah i used to produce audio books i'm slightly fascinated by audio books yeah i was looking at a sci-fi chat room recently on the internet and somebody said research or something no and somebody said um i've uh he listed a load of books so i've heard these on audio book unabridged is it the same as having read them and And I thought it was a very interesting question. Well, unabridged, it's the same, it's obviously the same amount of words, but it's not the same as having read them, because it depends what the, because our actors

always used to do all of the voices and things, so it's much better than having read them, because I don't have a brilliant imagination. I can't do all the voices in my head. So you're pro-audiobook? Yeah, I'm definitely pro-audiobook. Who did you have in doing them? It was just generally loads of really good actors who'd done radio work and had done a lot of voiceover work.

I did produce Terry Waite once, which was pretty cool. He wasn't even reading his own book, he was just reading a book that he liked. Really? Yeah, it was really good. Just one he'd bought on the way in? No, it was just a book. It had been organised in advance.

He didn't just turn up and knock on the door and go, can I read this book aloud? I've heard he's very spontaneous. He came round my house and he read me the first three chapters of Stig of the Dump. It was all right. He was a really lovely, lovely man. But, yeah, it was a really fun job.

I read a lot of Mills and Boone, so it wasn't all good, you know. I read an awful lot of Mills and Boone. But it's good because it teaches you about romance and how not to do it. So soon, presumably, you'll be writing your autobiography. I don't know if there's anything left. Everything's been on stage. There's nothing left. And if it is left, it's been left for a reason because it's not very funny. So I don't know.

I read the thing about the fact you were talking about terrible gigs you'd done. There was one you were talking about the terrible gigs you'd done and there was one you were talking about your marriage breaking up and someone this little old man yeah this is an amazing story

I was at Junglers and this man got up on stage and you know you have to work hard to get into the weekend clubs you work hard and you eventually get to that point where people think

you're good enough to do those clubs and this I was talking about my divorce and this little old man just started to make his way onto the stage, and he said, I've been divorced, I've got a couple of stories for you. And I said, you've got to do two years open spots before you get anywhere near this stage pet,

and then the security guards led him away. Well, until you know it, it was me. That was going to be my comeback. You quashed it. So, look, I'm very excited on your behalf for tonight. I'm pretty confident, personally. Are you really? Oh, that's nice. I don't know, I can't think like that.

I just have to think that, you know, it's just nice to be invited. It's lovely to be nominated. It's a really hot one. A really hot one, I'm so lying. it's just nice to be invited. It's lovely to be nominated. A really wet one. A really wet one. I'm so lying. It's just nice to be nominated. Well, it's a nice start to the year, though, isn't it? That's the nice thing about moving the Comedy Awards to January, is that it used to close off a great year, but now it's a kind

of a kickstart to yet another one. Yeah, I think so. And also, you know, there's a chance that if I did win one, that just the rest of the year could go downhill. So it depends which way you're looking at it. You've still got those 900 tour gigs to do. So we should, before you go,

if anyone wants to see you on tour they can look it up on the internet. Yes, I've got a website. It's got a pudding button on the website as well where I just take photos of every pudding that I ever eat. So they can always look at that. Well it's worth looking just for that. It's called sarahmillican.co.uk, which is memorable. Yeah, it's very straightforward.

I shouldn't think there's another one of those, is there? I don't know, I don't think so. Well, I've got.co.uk and.com as well, so... Oh, have you? Yeah. Well, you've thought ahead. Yeah. When did you get those?

I bought them when I was nine. Did it exist then, the internet, when I was nine? I'd have had to have bought a notepad and hoped for the best. I'd have written your name on it. And I've got... The tour kicks off again on January 29th at Warwick Arts Centre in Coventry. But is it totally sold out, the tour?

No, I think there are four or five dates that aren't sold out. But hopefully we're going to be doing another tour. So if people are disappointed, they can always just put their name on the mailing list and then I can let them know when the next one comes around. So you're already working on the next tour? Yeah, yeah. Because I'm doing Edinburgh, so I've got to be

ready for that. So I always do a preview show in Leicester. I always do a very early Edinburgh preview in February so that if I've got an hour by then, it'll be a good hour by August. You see, being a nerd at school, you get bullied. But being a nerd in comedy just means you get on.

You do quite well. It's applauded. That is a fabulous ad. We can't top that. Well, it's, you know, what a year, 2010, was. You're absolutely meteoric. And can I say with absolute sincerity it couldn't happen to a more beautiful

person. Oh, what a nice thing to say. Thank you. Yeah, it's totally true. Trust me, she's fabulous and funny. Funny? I'll say. And I'll see you at the Comedy Awards maybe next year. I'm in

a blue mondayo. If you in a blue Mondeo. If you're hanging around outside looking about. That was the magnificent Sarah Millican. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. That was Too Much Too Young by The Specials. And what are the specials today? I might have the bream.

Yeah. So, what's that stuff that came with the bream? The caponata. Yeah. It's like a sort of a ratatouille. Yeah, an Italian ratatouille. But it's got olives in it. It's got parsnips in it.

Brian kind of got me when we had lunch the other day, because he went, yes, I never order steak, because it's too expensive. Yeah it's got parsnips Frank had a go at me when we had lunch the other day because he went yes I never order steak because it's too expensive yeah and you order it every week which was his way of saying I can't believe you're so decadent and you're like the last days of Rome

and I am and you don't even eat the chips no she orders the steak every week and that's out of your wages Gabby so how did she know that really

yeah so sorry you know I met a bunch of mates the other night. They're all comedy writers. Oh, yeah. And we sat around.

We hadn't seen each other for about 12 months. And we sat around basking in the failures of other people involved in the comedy world, talking about terrible shows we'd seen and awful gigs that people had had. And it made me realise that, you know... It meant for me. I think there was a section on you um it's about 40 minutes some of it some of it scripted some of it ad hoc but um it made me realize that all the rubbish comedy one does is not wasted because the good comedy makes people laugh makes people happy but the

bad people makes people happy in in a in a similar not in a similar way in a spiteful unfriendly way but it does still spread joy yeah so none of it is wasted and that made me feel a lot better the magicians and encourages other comedy people by being a bit rubbish you're encouraging other comedians to excel and to feel good about themselves didn't talk about the magicians. We've put a special night aside for that. We're going to have a magician's night. Have a weekend.

Yeah, OK. So anyway, what's new with you, Gareth Richards? That's Gareth Richards, ladies and gentlemen. Look at my ponchortle. We started... We started... Don't read that review. OK.

No, the main... Yeah, anyway. We started the show talking about arguments review. Okay. No, the main... Yeah, anyway. We started the show talking about arguments. It's good sometimes when you can tell people they're just wrong in a situation. This week, my mum... My brother and his wife are currently staying in my mum and dad's spare room

because they've just sold their house. And my brother's wife is a vegetarian. Well, my mum finds this a little bit difficult because, you know, you've got to... And she insists on doing all the cooking you know you've got to do and she insists on doing all the cooking but you've got to do but she does it but she's a lot of issues about food your family yeah there's a lot of this food issues funny about eating out yeah steak gone off the steak thing since i told her about the wages and my mum was like well let me

tell you this the other day other day I was chopping some bread and I didn't have my glasses on and I must have, you know, I wasn't paying attention and I must have cut myself a little bit and I got some of the blood on the bread. This is your mum saying this? Yes. Well, you will not believe the fuss that Kezia made about, that was my brother's wife,

about there being blood on the bread. She's fussy in the extreme. I like a bit of pensioner blood on her. Actually, I prefer it on a rive eater. Your mum's not a pensioner. No, I'm not a pensioner. What? Your mum is not a pensioner.

How old are you? I'm 31. She was a child bride. Let's not do the maths. No. you don't want to no and so i was like mum that is not acceptable no i don't that is not even about being a vegetarian no that's about not being a cannibal yeah yeah well but she's a hardy character though i think i may have cut myself who knows you know if I cut myself slicing bread, something that doesn't happen that often,

I'll be straight with you. I make a hell of a fuss. She's positively Bronsonian, your mother. Yeah, yeah. Do you mean that's in Charles Bronson? Yeah. Fiend of the show. Yeah, fiend of the show.

He was in the news this week, but I don't think we've got time to talk about that. And I'll talk about Charles Bronson till the cows come home. Wow, yeah. Just as long as he doesn't come home. That's all I'm worried about. So, next week, our guest is Andy Coulson. No, he isn't. He isn't, Em.

He isn't. He isn't. Can you get him on? Shut up. Okay. Alex Horne is our guest next week. Hang on, hang on, hang on, Frank. No, OK, I was just checking.

Was you checking your... Yeah. OK. My back catalogue. He's checking your answer. I'm plugging the podcast. This is a big moment. You can listen to Not The Weekend podcast,

which is available from Wednesday, which is completely different from this show. We just go to a room and we explore each other verbally. I enjoy it. And Ben Jones is our next. Thank you so much for listening. You know, without this show, your lives

would be empty. I realise that. Now I meant to say, without you this show would be nothing, but unfortunately the truth. So I should be, my you, this show would be nothing. But, unfortunately, the truth... Oh, God. So, I should be... My girlfriend and her sister will be at the comedy...

When I get back tonight, they'll be... After the show, they'll be trying on outfits and stuff. And I'll be sitting in a corner. I might start drinking again. So, Comedy Awards, of course, is on live tonight. Not in our house! Anyway, um... Oh, what am I doing? So, Comedy Awards, of course, is on live tonight. Norrie there, out! Anyway, what am I doing? Goodbye.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.