The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Shazia Mirza

Episode Date: September 18, 2010

This week the show was recorded in Birmingham and brummie comedian Shazia Mirza popped in for a chat. There was also talk about George Michael, The Pope and Beijing.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. We only have this ex-service. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio.

That was Phantom Band with... I don't know if it's a glamour or a glamour, but that's what it was. I really liked it. Starting with controversy. Yeah, early on, I'm already confused. I think what it is, we're coming from Birmingham today, so we're at the studios of BRMB. That's not that jingle. You've made that up.

It used to be, 30 years ago when I used to listen to it. But I've noticed the stools are higher at BRMB. Oh, they're higher. So my feet aren't touching the floor. And they don't move either. I was trying to move it. And you can't because there's no wheels. I'll stop moaning.

Do you know what I like? No, but I'm not going to. You always look to me in a very hurt fashion. I was only teasing. I was trying to help. We've got a visitor, haven't we, in the studio, which I quite like. Yeah, I'm not... You've always looked at me in a very hurt fashion. I was only teasing. I was trying to help. We've got a visitor, haven't we, in the studio, which I quite like. Yeah, I'm not sure about it.

Why? I love the visitor. We have a young man from BRMB who's watching over us in case we have technical problems. And I feel like, you know, sometimes the teacher would come in and there'd be another teacher who sat at the back of the class and watched the teacher teaching.

That's what I feel like. I feel like he's come into, God, you should have said that Frank Skinner on Saturday morning, pressed the wrong button twice. I think it's going to be like that, you know, around the water cooler. They haven't got a water cooler. I'll tell you what they've got at BRMB when I came in. There was a three-disc display of Shaggy albums.

What was there? Have I stepped into a time machine? Three Shaggy albums? Wow. I know, I didn't know time machine three Shaggy albums wow I know I didn't know who knew he had it in him oh god

he's big somewhere he was a me yeah just for those of you who don't remember that's your autobiography title

can you think of another what's another Shaggy track Mr Bombastic totally fantastic is that him yeah there's one that's got do you oh god I like that is that him that's the bombastic, totally fantastic. Is that him? Yeah. There's one that's got dual, is it? Oh, go right along. Is that him? That's him. I think that was the original

one. That's probably, oh, I don't know. Anyway, any Shaggy fans who want to text us with some interesting details from his life or career, or the life and careers of his family. I imagine he comes from a musical family, Shaggy. I mean, that just doesn't come from nowhere, that kind of talent. Oh, that name. That's a funny old name to give a child. Well, I'm not going into it. Strong name.

Yeah, obviously tremendous foresight on the part of the parents. I wonder what the clue was when they looked at him. Anyway, we're coming live from Birmingham. You can text us about absolutely anything on 8, 12, 15. I mean, anything. We won't necessarily read it out, but I just like contact. You can text us about absolutely anything on 8, 12, 15. I mean anything. We won't necessarily read it out, but I just like contact. I'll text David. I think he's going to take over the show by the end of it.

I've got that feeling. Who's David? Isn't he called David? James he's called. He's thinking of David James. Of course. I'm glad David James isn't watching over the show. James, I'm really sorry I got your name wrong.

That's awful, Frank. She does that to everyone she meets deliberately just to set up status. So don't feel bad about it. I'm really sorry I got your name wrong. That's awful, Frank. She does that to everyone she meets deliberately, just to set up the status. So don't feel bad about it. Oh, I'm so sorry. I guessed it's Shazia Mirza today, who's from Birmingham, I think. Oh, yeah, I know her, actually. She's a showbiz friend.

Is she really? You know her more. I don't know anyone. What is it with me? I say, what is it with me? I'll make a list. I'm scratching. Did I shout then?

I watched the one show last night oh Chris Evans is he he needs to google microphone

why because he shouted he shouted I couldn't I couldn't stand it anymore it was like being it was like going out

with someone it was like being near Chris Evans you know when you go out with someone who's much younger and you realise after, I don't know about this, if you're a man of my age and say you're around a woman,

attractive as she may be in her 20s, it's a bit like when sometimes when you're in a third world hotel room and you think, well, I can either have the screeching loud noise of the air con or I can be hot. I think I'll be hot. Yeah. Yeah. Well, last night it it was like that.

And he was, Yeah, everybody, come on, come on. Stop it. Please stop shouting. He's probably forgotten how TV works. He thinks, well, they can see me, but I need to really speak up if they're going to hear me as well.

I mean, let's face it, this is a man much more experienced in broadcasting than me, much more successful. I'm not, you know, who am I to... He's won a Sony Gold. He's won many Sony Gold. He's won many Sony Golds. And he's got a spotted shirt. And I

think he won an Olympic medal for shouting. There is a shouting event. Not so much screech. I'm calling it screeching now at this point. Anyway, there'll be lots of people now texting on 8, 12, 15 saying if you had half the talent, I mean half the talent

of Chris Evans, you'd be in hospital. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Someone's texted in, 1-2-1. 1-2-1, are you testing the microphone? So,

the only fact I know about Shaggy is that the first time he heard his own song on the radio, he was serving in Iraq. I didn't know that, it's quite interesting. Wow. The war in Iraq started when Shaggy is that the first time he heard his own song on the radio, he was serving in Iraq. I didn't know that. It's quite interesting. The war in Iraq started when Shaggy's first. Well, clearly it had. No, he was in a bar. That's why he was serving in Iraq.

Yes, mate. What's it going to be? Two... Oh, hold on a minute. Oh, God, I know. That's just my record. Oh, God, I know. Stop everything.

Can I have those drinks, please? Just wait a minute. I'm listening to my... That's a little moment there from the life of... So he was a hero. I know. There I was, I think, and he was... Yeah.

Shaggy in the army, I know, I know. It's serious. Anyway, you're probably wondering, the people who haven't switched off, why we're in Birmingham today. And it's for my benefit, I'll be honest with you. After this, I will shoot across. I'm talking about shoot across to nearby Litchfield in Staffordshire.

It's about 20 miles away. So is that quite near? Oh, it's 20 miles away, OK. And because I'm going to be inaugurated. It's overdue. Oh, I love an inauguration. I'm going to be inaugurated as the president of the Samuel Johnson Society. Samuel Johnson was an 18th century writer who wrote, you may know, he wrote a dictionary. Well, he did.

Yeah. Actually, I've got some, it just so happens I have some definitions from that very dictionary. Oh, God. What about this then? The cough, right? so happens I have some definitions from that very dictionary. Oh, God. What about this then? The cough, right? Cough. We're reading up the dictionary. Cough.

A convulsion of the lungs, velicated by some sharp sorosity. I hate it when that happens. I need a dictionary for that definition. Yeah, we need to look up the V word you said. Yes, and sorosity, probably. Sorosity. That's it with dictionaries now, isn't it?

Once you're in, you're in. And I've always thought that. I don't know. You don't need a dictionary anymore, though, because you just have Spellcheck and Google. What about this, though? A kickshaw, a dish so changed by the cookery that it can scarcely be known.

Wow, a kickshaw. That's brilliant. I'm using that. Bit of a kick show, this is. That was me spitting, not... Yeah, so that Samuel Johnson, who was a sort of a literary... Actually, he used to... He got depressed. He used to get the depression. Oh, did he?

And he used to walk from Litchfield to Birmingham. I always thought it was quite a modern-conditioned depression. They probably called it something else then. I think they probably called it something else then yeah i think they probably called it a black car melancholy yeah yeah yeah and he used to walk um to birmingham which is i'd say about 18 20 miles and then he'd walk back again that used to he used to get it off so those of you at home on antidepressants try that just go and walk 40 miles you'll feel all the different for it i would do i'd split it i'd walk 21 way and 20 the other or you will be you'll be depressed because you're 40 miles from home

but yeah, try that and he's famous for all sorts of quotes someone once said to him that a woman was preaching obviously this is a normal thing now but then was quite unusual and I think this quote sort of combines that move in the Church of England to have women priests. And also the last series of Britain's Got Talent.

Because he said, hearing a woman preach is like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. It is not done well, but one is surprised to see that it is done at all. A 70s chauvinist, how dare he? He was sort of an 1870s chauvinist. That's a bit different, isn't it? But, yeah, so I was a big fan of it. So I'm really excited about being the president of the society. I'll be honest with you.

Well, I can't wait to hear about it. We weren't invited. You were embarrassed of us. I think you thought we'd let the tone down. Yeah, well, I think so. Oh, God. Well, I have to deliver a half-hour paper tonight. I have to deliver a paper.

I've got the satchel and everything. I don't know whether I'll go right up to the door. I'll do American Stone and just throw it onto the lawn and see what happens. No, I have to deliver a sort of academic, an half-hour speech about Samuel Johnson. Oh, God. Can I give you one more quote, then we'll move on? You don't get enough of this on commercial radio.

He once went backstage. He was a friend of David Garrick, the actor. And he said, I'll come no more. He says, I'll come no more behind your scenes, David. He said, because the silk stockings and white bobbies of your actresses have

excited my amorous propensities. That's what you said when you went to see Girls Aloud backstage. It was. I said exactly that. They just looked at me. I hate it when they do that, Girls Aloud. This is Frank Skinner Absolute

Radio. of this Absolute Radio. So they asked her if she wanted to go to rehab, and she said no, no, no. Really? Did they say, all right, that's your first time. Go on about it, just trying to help you. It didn't make any difference to me one way or the other.

I just thought, you know, you're getting a bit of a mess. You need a bit of assistance, but okay. You can text us on 81215 about all sorts of stuff, but I'll tell you what I would like people to text about. I was talking about Samuel Johnson. I'm not going to go on about him anymore, but one thing, although he was a great literary figure and a great writer and all that. Good hair as well.

Amazing. I thought it was a wig. He had a slightly pockmarked face because of the scrofula. Scrofula, yeah. You've been googling, haven't you? Apparently he had Tourette's syndrome as well, but we won't go down that road. Anyway, one thing he wouldn't...

Forsooth! I think you're a century or two too early. He actually had a very strange... He had 17th and 16th century Tourette's Syndrome. So he said, forsooth. Anyway,

we're losing listeners by the dozen. Yeah, go on. At the moment. What he wouldn't do is when he walked down the street, this was the early day of the paving slab, he wouldn't step on the cracks. Oh. Do you remember that thing at school when you't he wouldn't step on the cracks oh remember that thing at school when you're out if you step on the crack he wouldn't do that he couldn't break

your back is that what is that yeah step on the cracks fall and break your back oh we didn't say that in london yeah i didn't scan we just said driver um so he didn't like stepping on the crack he wouldn't do it he was uh he thought it would spoil his day in some way. Oh. And I just wondered if any of our... That's like OCD. Like, I do salute. If I see one magpie, I salute them.

What? You know, one for sorrow. Even if I'm out in a really... You salute a bird? I salute, yes. Salute a boot. I salute a boot, and why shouldn't I? Sorry, is this a...

I salute a boot. I was walking around the dart, and I saluted a boot. No, what happened... What happens is if I see a magpie, you know, one for sorrow, you're supposed to salute. You're supposed to say, good morning, Mr. Magpie. Oh, you can't do that. I just do the salute. How embarrassing.

Sometimes I've been in a crowded London street, I've seen a magpie, and I've just scratched my head a bit. It's a very, very low-key salute. Just something between me and him. But they know. They know what you're doing. Well, the magpies, I'm hoping other people do. I can't do a full-on click the heels and you know oh you're not saying good morning mr magpie i don't say that i'm incarcerated no i don't say that i just did the salute but then sometimes if obviously it's two for joy if you see two you don't have

to do the salute but sometimes i'll salute and then i'll see a second one and i think well now where does that put me oh you can't withdraw all sorts of trouble with the magpies. You can't withdraw some sort of avian salute. I think that's something I've always heard. I have that slight OCD thing. It's not actual OCD is it? It's obsessive compulsive disorder.

And it's like, you know like David Beckham has to line up the Coke cans. He has like a minus strain of it he says. All the Coke cans in his fridge have to be completely symmetrical. can't have the coca-cola thing facing the other way oh i keep mentioning a brand we could be sponsored by them i love it um so yeah so what i have is um are you gonna mention are you gonna say something else you're gonna say something minty no you're not no i'm not i want to know I want to know what your thing is. Okay, so what I do is my glasses in my cupboard,

not spectacles, my drinking glasses. Yes. I have a weird thing. I have to have the tumblers at the front and the champagne glasses at the back. So they have to go in a descending order of height. That surprises me because I would have thought the champagne glasses are almost never in on the cupboard.

They're always in the dishwasher, I would have thought the champagne glasses were almost never in on the cupboard. They're always in the dishwasher, I would have thought. Well, it's so they can all see you when you open the cupboard door. If the tall ones were at the front, the little ones wouldn't be able to see you. That's a good point. You know what they say, if you can see the camera, the camera can see you. Exactly.

So if any of our listeners have any odd OCD thing, little rituals they have to do, I mean, not someone who's absolutely madly suffering with it who's going to send a big long... I mean, come on. It's no good calling us. There's other people for you to call. There'll be a phone line of some kind.

Anyway, text us at 8-12-15 for your little oddities. I like a little oddity. I don't know about you, Mr. Holmes. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was a quick one. Yes, that was that was

Deer Hunter. No, it wasn't. It was. It was Deer Hunter. Was it? It was a 3D and it was the name of the band.

Oh, God. Now, how many songs have they got? Are we going to have to play all of them? No. And then that one after. That's the only reason he played it so he could have they got? Are we going to have to play all of them? No. That's the only reason he played it, so he can play Deerhunter. No, I really like that song.

It's very good. Have we had any texts? Well, Dave from Staines says, Frank, when I see a magpie, I say, good morning, Mr Magpie. I hope I find thee well. How mad is that? I mean, that's a conversation. That's not a greeting, is it?

I mean, one anticipates a response from the magpie of some kind. I like that. And we had another text in, actually, Frank, this week. It's about Birmingham. It concerns you and Birmingham. Would you like to hear it? Did you say Birmingham? No, Birmingham.

OK, carry on. It's from a Birmingham. He's called Luke Bailey. And he says, Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, yesterday I was travelling to work on the bus, listening to your wonderful podcast and laughing along to the story of Frank

sleeping on a central reservation. Yes, that always tickles my fancy as well, that story. This was from my drinking days, by the way. I wasn't bitten by a taxi for life. That's what you're thinking. He mentioned that it was the one between Five Ways Island and Broad Street. At that very moment, the bus passed over that exact location

and I was looking at the exact spot where Frank must have lay all those years ago. Truly amazing. I thank you for that fantastic visual I was able to achieve. How lovely. That's like when you go to Tate Gallery and you get the headphones and it tells you about each painting as you go past. How did you know it was the exact spot? I don't know.

Have they had my outline done? You know, that kind of murder scene. They've had it done in primroses. Well, they do have your picture of you on Broad Street, don't they, Gareth? Tell Frank what we saw yesterday. We saw a picture of you on Broad Street. OK, that's reiteration. That is a conversation.

You know when you had your star on the walk of fame is it no shame shame the walk of shame you don't get a star broad street on the pavement and i always get a star on the walk of shame oh at least go on you've had a few stars on the walk of shame you know that we won't name them um and um yes it was you holding your star and the other people had won the star as well we had our picture taken with your picture there was Noddy Holder, Jasper Carragher it was like the weirdest family in the world I like the fact that we see each other on a regular basis

but you had your picture taken with my picture I'm happy to do it live if you want such a picture but that's good yeah okay so that's a that's a good uh email anymore we've had another email dear frank a couple of years ago i saw you loitering outside a multi-story car park in brindley place i don't like the sound of that that's very near to where we are very near to where we are it's literally where we are you're wearing a full-length coat as well as other clothes could that be right full-length coat as well as other clothes.

Could that be right? Full-length coat? Sounds like something out of The Matrix. I don't want a full-length coat. He's wearing a full-length coat, yeah. You gave me an extended look as if to say, please don't approach me. Oh, I know that look. Cheers, Christopher in Birmingham.

Oh, so do I. Did you not have your please don't approach me sign with you? I did, but it was under my full-length coat. I couldn't get it out. I was in a full length coat outside a multi-storey. Yeah, I think I'd, what I'd done is I'd just stolen a smart car. And it was under, it was under the car. I have a pocket, I have a pocket near the tail of the coat, a smart car pocket.

Obviously, I was about to sell it to the people who um reliably informed was that they buy any cars so any cars i mean they'll buy a burnt out 1967 voxel viva from waste ground if you can get it to them apparently they'll buy corgi cars dinky cars what What about that? By all sorts. Yeah. I'm distracted by all the fabulous texts we've had in regarding OCD. Oh, that's good. Well, let's just do this first. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I've got a couple of texts that I'd like to read out. Oh. About OCD. Oh, yeah? The listeners love this OCD thing. Oh, they love it.

Do they? Yeah. We've got Sean from Watford. Before I go to bed, I have to hit the three canvas pictures on the wall as they sound like drums. Well, I wonder what they are, the three canvas pictures. It must sound like the Ending to EastEnders. I love it. What do you imagine they are, the three canvas pictures. It must sound like the ending to EastEnders. I love it. What do you imagine they are? The three core sisters, maybe.

Oh. Maybe it's a triptych of some sort. What about Tom? Have they not thought of... Is it Tom or Tom Thorne? It's Sean from Watford. No, but was it Tom Thorne? They're not Tom Toms, they're pictures. Was he called Tom Cor? Who's Tom Cor?

Were you listening to what we just said? No. Oh, man. They're not Tom Toms, they're pictures. Was he called Tom Core? Who's Tom Core? Who's Tom Core? Were you listening to what we just said? No. Oh, man. I have another one that I like, which is, I cannot set my morning alarm to a symmetrical number like 6am. It needs to use non-sequential numbers like 602 from Strange Richard in Seven Oaks. I see. I don't think he means symmetrical.

I don't know why 600. Picky, picky, picky. We't think he means symmetrical I don't know why 600 picky picky picky we know what he means he doesn't want a nice neat number he wants 602 or something like that I understand isn't that also a psychological you're slightly cheating the world by having an extra two minutes

oh I get it I do that a little bit as well maybe strange Richard and I might be happy bedfellows you never know well as long as you're happy to get Maybe Strange Richard and I might be happy bedfellows. You never know. Well, as long as you're happy to get up at 6.02. I'd be very happy. Frank, I will not talk or breathe when I walk past a monkey puzzle tree.

I'm not sure why, but as a child, someone told me something terrible would happen if I did. To this day, I still do it. I'm 38 years old. I like the last bit. As if the man has been to some sort of monkey puzzle tree rehab and you have to say that at the end the sense of shame

I've got one more that I really like which is from Don when I eat baked beans I have to leave one on the plate to give it a sense of identity that's yeah what you want to consider is the people in the third world who would give anything for that that one baby

that one get back they end up in the bin alone in between a copy of a newspaper and probably some you know when you get that bread that you don't quite get to and it goes a bit blue it'd be next to that

do we have a helpline people could call because some of these they might actually need don't be derogatory about our listeners i'm not talking about ever i'm talking about ever i mean ever don't ever do it okay i saw the pope yesterday oh i was how was he he looked all right he looked well did he he was uh i i was he was in the little popemobile i like that i want to pink one of those those. Love it. With a little man in it. I was really... Were you? I was right on the barrier on Lambeth Bridge in South London.

Because that's your manor, that sort of area. That is my manor. And he looked straight at me. Smiled. Did he? Yeah. What do you do in the... Do you bow or something?

Is there a... I just nodded. You did a genuflect. Yeah. I thought I... Good morning, Mr Magpie. Magpie you don't have to do that with me there probably is one if you're looking around for the second Pope for joy you're in

big trouble that could have happened of course in that time when there was actually three Popes but anyway so he went past I think he mouthed when's fantasy football coming back? I could have been wrong about that. But he looked straight at me and waved.

I was properly thrilled. But can I just say, there's obviously, we should say when we're talking about the Pope, there's been a lot of controversy about the Pope, and it's to do with his shoes and who designs them. Yeah, well, his red shoes. Yeah, people have been discussing. Now, I'm quite obsessed by the red shoes, I have to say. A lot of people say they're designed by Prada,

but everyone knows they're Adriano Staffanelli. School Poeira. Yeah. Yeah. And he's been using that cobbler for quite some years now. I'm so obsessed by the shoes, I know quite a lot about them. Well, Adolf Hitler used the same cobbler his whole life. So anyway...

I thought they were so he can go back to Oz whenever he wants. Oh, but they are rather smart, aren't they? They are lovely. Now, there is an option. There's a red slipper option. I don't know if you knew that for folks. Oh, is that for indoorsies? So indoors, yes.

For hugs? Yeah. And there's a red sort of velvet slipper. But apparently Benedict, he don't like the slippers. So he keeps on the red leather shoe indoors. Oh, I like him for that. Yeah. But he's one of those people, you know, when they come round your house,

they keep the outdoor shoes on. You're thinking, oh, he can't keep them on. That'd be a good present for him. A scarlet hog. Oh, he'd love that. Scarlet hog for the Pope. Yeah, that would be a nice idea. Yeah.

To go with his mazetta. Yeah. That's his little cape thing. Yeah. I've noticed that seeing the Popemobile close up, it looked very, very similar to an ice cream van. And he looked, because his heart, there's like a little section halfway up.

Say if there'd been Ave Maria going... That's what he should do he shouldn't have official things he should just drive round England in his ice cream van mobile stop, play religious music and all the Catholics would all run out to gather round

I think that would be absolutely marvellous we only have this this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio roll away your stone We only have this excellent. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Roll away your stone by Mumford & Sons. Can I just tell you, we've had a great text in, Frank.

Joe in Sutton says, Frank, can you tell Emily the Pope would never wear Prada as the devil wears Prada? Oh, that's good, isn't it? I believe the devil is on tour, I think, in October. I love you, Joe. I don't love you, but I'm quite fond of you. That's a very fine Joe. He had, you know that little hat?

Oh, I know the little hat. Yeah, you know, they've got like a little bit on the top, like he's been picked and they've left a stalk on. Like a cherry stalk. He had that. It's like the sort of top of an acorn. You know, the sort of the cop of an acorn. It looked like that.

It looked like, say if they'd sent up an acorn to That's Life and they've said, look at this acorn, it looks like an 83-year-old man. That's what he looked like. Even as he disappeared off the bridge, I could still see the little stalk sticking up. That's what I'll always remember. I love the satin stalk. Yeah, well, I think that's it. No, it's satin, that cap.

Is it really? He had his mazetta on. He had his, you know, the red cloak. Oh, yeah. Capes are very in as well, Frank. Yeah, well, he had the summer one, which is satin, because there is a fur one, you know, like a red thing. Oh, for AW 2010. Yeah yeah that that's why exactly yeah he's sticking with summer he hasn't got aw yet

it's red with a with a white fur it's it's very it's got a very it's got a santa baby type of you know what i mean when you see sexy women do say, and a baby, and they're little. He's like that. He's missed the fashion. Yeah. And it's all happened. They had Susan Boyle sale. Well, apparently, although I was a bit mortified to see Subo. Now, please design for Subo re-makeover.

What did concern me was the coat she was wearing. Did you see it? It had a sort of large... A little black coat. Was it a bomber jacket? No. Was it a leather bomber? Had a very big faux fur collar. Oh yeah, I did see it. And black double breasted. I thought that was

sideburns. Yeah. It was very elegant. So elegant in fact, that I have that coat. Uh oh. Rick, you've got the same coat as Sue Boyle. Oh, right, yes. I presume yours doesn't have Ccon. She said, it's a great honour to sing for the Pope

and it's something I've always dreamed of. You think she's always dreamt of singing for the Pope? Why not? You're calling Susan Boyle a liar. Maybe she has very vivid prophetic dreams. That, I must say, would not surprise me.

Frank on Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, it was the police. I say yes. That's what George Michael said. God, I hate it when the police hang around. Well, that's what George Michael said as well.

Yeah, exactly. Hates it when the police hang around. Oh, you can text us on 81215 and our guest, not too long ago, is Shazia Merza, who's a bit of a local hero in these parts. Oh, yeah. She's a friend of mine as well. Yeah, George Michael. I mean, it's for the best, isn't it? What, him being in Chokey?

I think it is. Oh, yeah. That's what my criminal... He's a nice bloke. Hi. Sorry. I think it's for the best. I know a lot of the prison terminology.

Do you? Yeah. Yeah, OK. No, I just don't want him... I don't want George Michael free while the Pope reveals on the street. I mean, you know, there could be a terrible international, because he could come out of any side road, couldn't he, asleep?

So now he's, can he, I'm starting to think, has anyone actually asked George if he can drive? I mean, in court, has anyone checked to see if he's got a licence? I think he might be someone who just bought a car on a whim one day and thought, well, it can't be that difficult. he couldn't drive i mean in court has anyone checked to see if he's got a license i think he might be someone who just bought a car on a whim one day and probably can't be that difficult and has discovered he finds it very very boring he's probably only driven it once in the club tropicana video did he drive one in that i think he did oh i can't remember the club tropicana i've got too much on my mind to be honest today. So has George. He certainly has. He's got a lot of thinking time

in that prison. Yes. I take it somewhat when he comes out, George, I mean prison. I was going to say that ship has sailed. I don't want anyone to tune in and think, God, this is a very old show. When he comes out of prison,

did you know his boyfriend? Kenny Goss. Kenny Goss. Kenny Goss, yeah. Do you know what his job was in America? No. No. He was in South Park. He wasn't in South Park.

No, that wasn't him. He was a cheerleader coach. Wow. Extraordinary profession. Yeah, that's what he did. He trained cheerleaders. And I thought when George comes out of prison, you could really put on quite a display, couldn't you? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Go George. Something like that would be really lovely. Because he's got to get his own back. Because apparently when he arrived in prison, the prisoners were all singing freedom and stuff like that and being a bit sarcastic. Oh, they will do that. So when he leaves in probably about four days and goes, you know, he's worth not going back to his Hampstead mansion, I think you should have a little bit of a go back on the way out. Yeah. He laughs last. I liked it when he said to his lawyer on the way in,

apparently when he was sentenced, he went, I told you, I told you. Yeah. What did he tell him? Well, he obviously got angry with the lawyer. I don't know. I told you you have to stay awake while you. Yeah. What did he tell him? Well, he obviously got angry with the lawyer. I don't know. I told you you have to stay awake while you're driving. You said it was all right.

I don't, I just don't get it. It's a very strange, what do you do? I mean, I know it's funny, let's say he does eight weeks. And they're having to keep him away from everyone else. So he doesn't have a cellmate. I mean, is he in solitary? I'd have thought, after what he did for Andrew Ridgely, Andrew Ridgely would have just gone out and hit an old-age pensioner this week

just for solidarity. They could have put him in the same cell. It would have been like the old... They could have had Pepsi and Shirley in the next cell. Oh, yeah, some on-briefs. Would have loved it. Oh, man. Can you imagine it?

The white T-shirt. But is he on his own? What do you do? For eight weeks, sitting in a cell like that? Well, you see, you'd be quite good in prison, Frank, imagine it the white t-shirt but uh is he on his own what what do you do what do you do for eight weeks sitting in a cell you see i think you'd be quite good in prison frank because i think you'd be one of those ones that would start you know you'd uh you'd be at the tuck shop or something you'd be organizing yeah i think and creating reading groups you'd be a crier gareth i'm sorry but you would i'd be a crier yeah you would be the first to break yeah you fish okay we've got a

crier here, mate. New fish? Is that what they call them? Yeah, I think so, in Shawshank Redemption. You can't base your prison experience on that. I'd work it. Why not? I'd escape. I'd be sprung from the moor, because I know people.

Well, you certainly do. Yeah, but Jimmy Carr's not going to get you out. He could call Mr. Loophole. Yeah. It's a shame, really, that George is in, because the one person who could ram-raid a prison is George Michael at the wheel of a car. That is.

I hope that you think someone will be picking him up when he goes out. Maybe you'll do that Mike Tyson thing and come out, like, covering tattoos. Oh, I love it when they do that. Or full-length Larry Grayson down the back. That would be brilliant. I have the prison album. I'm looking forward to the prison album. That'll be great.

I think he's got time to write, really concentrate on his music. Oh, yeah. We might do that. You're right. I've always thought exercise. If I was in prison, I'd do a lot of exercise. That's always been my dream. Out in the yard?

No, I think i could do it in my set i've always wanted we're done i need to go on to the next thing can i just tell you this okay i've always thought i'd really like to strengthen my my grip what i think it's a very underestimated skill if you if you could develop a skill yeah if say if you had a couple of very hard rubber balls and you could spend eight weeks just squeezing them. I think we'd better play a song. I've often thought that'd be... Then if you were mobbed, if you were mobbed, you could take someone's wrists in one vice-like grip,

their ankles in the other, put them round your neck like a glorious pashmina and go straight to the police station. I tell you, who's got a good grip is Chokey. Yeah. There you go. That's the four. Oh, I'd never have guessed.

Yeah, with Birmingham School of Business School. And Chelsea Merza has joined us. Hello. You're alright on that stool. I look like a midget, don't I? Yeah. I never realised you were a midget before. That's not a bad thing to be, can we make that clear? Yeah. That's the official absolute policy. We're pro-midget. I look like I'm talking from under the desk. You sound

fine, but I can't see you. It's like radio in many ways. I look great under here. I'm sure you look good when you came in. I like you better taller. Maybe we could get a cushion for Chelsea. Is this because it's Birmingham? Is there a shortage of chairs?

I think it'll be RMB. These are hard times. Let's get rid of all the chairs. I mean, I think they stand sometimes, the DJs, for energy reasons. Do they? We're not interested in that. Terrible decision. Yeah, exactly.

So, welcome, Shia. Do you live in Birmingham? No, I don't live here anymore, obviously, because I'm doing well. I don't know why people are ashamed to say they're from birmingham because it looks quite nice now that it's finished yeah exactly when i first started doing comedy everyone used to the jokes about birmingham and you never hear that anymore it's gone up in the world it's so glamorous the boring now it is it properly nobody really. That Primark has done it wonders. Oh, I went to Harvey Nichols.

Oh, it's lovely. Harvey Nichols. Do they have one in Birmingham? Yeah. Oh, dear. Yeah? Oh, get with it, Chassie. I wouldn't be here otherwise.

Everything's changed. But Primark is like the flagship store on New Street. Is it? Yeah, I don't buy anything. I just go in there to see the fights. I like the idea of going to Primark and not buying anything. You don't buy anything. I just go in there to see the fights. I like the idea of going to Primark and not buying anything. You might as well. You don't need to. You don't need to.

You can just shoplift by accident. It's all those clothes on the floor. Can I say that? Absolute radio. Absolutely disapproves of shoplifting in all manifestations. So, Shaz, you're here working, basically. I'm working. I love working. I'm working, I love working

I'm always working Good old Asian me Good old Asian me We're going to be playing that song later on That's one of my favourites That's Shaz and Dave In case you don't know Shazia by the way I should explain that she's Asian

so she can say that You're born in England are you? Your parents are? My parents are from Pakistan. I mean, Birmingham. And, um, no, I was born in Birmingham. Okay. And my parents are from Pakistan. What worries me is there was a

lot of heavy betting this morning that Shazia would say Birmingham at exactly twenty past nine and she just said it. Really? So I'm thinking that might be something tied in with the cricket team. anyway um so what what are you playing is there anything we can plug or is it all just sold out um no i don't know if it's sold i'm doing a show tonight in birmingham there's always two or three tickets even for sold out yeah they say it's sold out but it's not really because there's always three seats available i don't know who they keep those for i don't know if they keep people don't

like to buy singles because people like to sit next to their friend even though they don't speak to them for the show it's a very strange phenomenon so there probably are a few tickets available so where are you at at the birmingham at the old rep? At the Old Rep. I don't know, it's on Station Street in Birmingham. I know it, I know it well. I didn't think it was still alive, you know, still there, but it's there. That's where Laurence Olivier started. Really? Yeah, that was his first company, I believe.

I'm going to be on stage where Laurence Olivier... Well, it's all gone arts programme on radio. Well, not that arts programme. Oh, well, that's fabulous. And you're touring at the moment, is that right? And then I'm in West Bromwich next Saturday. Oh, Frank likes it there, because that's where his team... West Bromwich at the New Public.

The New Public? The Public? Oh, you're at that, the big art centre, at 88 million quid thingy. That'll be lovely. It costs a lot of money, but there's no one in it, so we need to get people in it. Yeah, and you've been charged with that mission. Yeah, it's quite nice. It looks like Wembley.

Does it? It's Wembley, but it's in West Bromwich. Yeah, that sounds all right to me. Emily's laughing. So, I'm just going to throw some random questions. What would you say was the highlight of your week this week? Oh, going to Kendal last night. I went to Kendal last night and I got lost

because my sat-nav had run out of battery. Kendal in the Lake District, isn't that one? Where the mint cake comes from. That's right, yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And I was going to the gig and I got lost and then some nice man got in my car and showed me the watch.

You're very trusting. Some say too trusting. He was 80, though. So he can't carry a pickaxe. I just thought, well, he can't run that far if something goes wrong. Well, no, but if he's hacked your head off in the car and you're in some lay-by somewhere, he can sa have... He can saunter. He can afford to saunter. He had a very nice accent and he was very nice.

So I let him in. That's all right. He was very nice. Well, no, I'm with you now, Shazia. Now you've said that. He offered me some sweets and I... Oh, what? Does any young single women listed please don't follow Shazia?

It's true. He offered me some sweets in the car and he took me to the gig. And so I let him in for free. Oh, don't do that, Shazia. He was really nice. It would have been bad if I'd charged him, wouldn't it? Well, indeed. Well, yeah, well, I'm glad you made it here

because who knows who wanders around Kendal at night? Now, that's if they'd phone him. Who wanders around Kendal at night? They that's if they're phoning. Who wanders around Kendall at night? They're all really nice people. I'm sure they are really nice people. I'm not saying they aren't. There is one, apparently, one bad penny, but whether that was him or not, we'll soon find out.

I'm all right, I'm here. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know, that was Brandon Flowers with Crossfire. Shazia Mercer is our guest this morning. Shazia Mercer, who used to be a teacher. Yeah.

And one of her pupils. Well, I think I know who it was. Oh, go on. Is he a bit of a rascal? He's such a rascal. That's right. The Dizzy Rascal. That's right.

It was Dizzy Rascal. How was he? Was he a rascal? Awful. Awful. Was he? Awful. I mean, his real name is Dylan Mills. You know why they called him Dizzy Rascal. How was he? Was he a rascal? Awful. Awful. Was he? Awful. I mean, his real name is Dylan Mills.

You know why they called him Dizzy Rascal? No. Because teachers used to call him Dizzy and someone used to call him a right rascal. So he put these two together and called himself Dizzy Rascal. So he was named by the teachers at your school. Did you contribute? Did you come up with either of those names? No. Mine were a lot worse than Dizzy Rascal.

He was really bad. And I saw him the other day, which was really odd, and he came running up to me and went, Miss! Miss! And I thought, no rapper should be calling any woman Miss in public. It just didn't suit him. Miss! Miss! Do you remember me? I thought, oh, my God, yeah.

You're the reason I became a comedian. So what was the nature of his naughtiness thing? Well, he used to open... I used to be a science teacher, so he used to open the lab windows, which were really big, and escape through them in the middle of the lesson. And he'd take... Was there no door? There was a door, but he'd go through the windows.

Goodness me. And he'd take Bunsen burners with him. Bunsen burners? Honestly, there'd be a lesson going on. I'd be teaching something. He'd just grab some Bunsen burners and leg it through the window. Was he selling them a scrap? Probably.

And then there was all these other kids that would follow him. A pied piper of chemistry. It's the flame. You should have worked moths. It was... It's the flame. Were they... You sure they weren't moths? It was awful. He was really bad. And then now I see him and he goes,

me son wasn't that bad, was I? And I was like, you are terrible. But it's what you want to hear about Dizzy Rass. If you'd have said he was an absolute paragon. He would never have become a rapper if he was really good. If he was a nice, you know... He'd be a biochemist now. No, he wouldn't because i was a

crap teacher do you think it's uh it's good practice for being a stand-up comedian it was where i was teaching it was so rough was it it was so rough they i used to come into the class in the morning then they'd go miss when you're leaving oh you're so oh this is rubbish when you leave when are you going, miss? I mean, I've never stood up in a gig and someone's gone, oh, when are you leaving? This is rubbish. It'd be a killer heckle, wouldn't it? You are rubbish. When are you leaving?

Oh, no. No-one's ever said that to me in a gig. I used to come into the classroom, they'd go, oh, not you again. How old were these kids? They were like 11 to 16. OK. Oh, that's a hard age group, I think. And I'm teaching them science. They're not interested in science.

Do you know, they all wanted to be football players. They weren't interested in science. Neither was I. And so it was difficult. It was a bad relationship. But science has become incredibly cool now. Yeah. It's a great...

I don't know why I'm saying all this, because the thing is, tonight I'm doing this gig in Birmingham, and it's for the Science Festival. Is it about science? No, I think they've invited me to do a show because I used to be a science teacher. And now I've just rubbished all

that. So that qualifies for the Science Festival. Just wear a lab coat. You'll be absolutely fine. That was another thing. Dizzy Rascal used to pick up my lab coat and just wear it round the school. I can't picture him in a lab coat. Oh, I can.

He used to put a lab coat, just wear it round the school for fun. And every time I used to turn up to my lesson, I'd be like, where's my lab coat? And I'd get it back and there'd be holes burnt in it. Dizzy was styling it out. Was there any hint of his sort of musical prowess? Yes, a lot.

Really? Because he never, he wasn't, obviously he wasn't interested in science or anything, but the kids, they were so bored. They used to just sit in the lab all day and just do, get rulers and pencils and just go like this. All day, for an hour, like in the middle of the lesson.

And I didn't realise, but that was his latest record. It's easier than the classical world, isn't it? Where you have to sit around with an oboe. Really, when he used to get kicked out of lessons, the music teacher always used to take him in and say, sit at the back and compose your own stuff. He was a great music teacher and he really encouraged him and I think, and that's

when he left, he was really passionate about his music. He loves his music. This is the perfect biog, isn't it, for Dizzy Rask? This is exactly what you want to hear about Dizzy Rask. He said he'd die without his music and I think that's absolutely true. Shortly before stealing your lab coat and running off with a bouncer band now.

That's odd because I'd die without this track. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're staying with your mum and dad while you're in Birmingham. That's right. That must be lovely. It is lovely because I come home late at night, three in the morning,

and my mum's got corries on the stove. Would you like curry? I thought, have you been staying up all night till I come home, just so that you can give me some, you know, saga? They're still up. They're up. They don't sleep.

And my mum, they don't. My mum's, she's always trying to marry me off, so she always, every time I come home, she goes, she stops people at bus stops. If she sees like an Asian woman at a bus stop, this is true. She'll go up to her and she'll go, do you have a son? Do you have a son? Because I have a daughter. Give me your number and we can arrange things.

I swear, this is what she does. And I'll come home, she'll go, I met this woman today at the bus stop. I've got her number. She's got a son, 35 PhD. Really good. I think she's got a list of numbers of all the single Asian men in Britain. She calls it the Islamabad Yellow Pages. I've always thought the arranged marriages were somewhat brilliant. So do I.

I mean, hanging around in nightclubs. When your mum and dad will do it all by post. Good, isn't it? So much better. People go on about forced marriages. Well, I'd love my parents to force me into a marriage. If they're listening now, they'll be saying, that's the green light.

They've got nothing better to do except make curries and arrange marriages. And do they like you being a comic? Well, they don't talk about it. I think it's like being gay. Like, we go home, we sit around the dinner table and nobody mentions what I do. They use euphemisms for comedy.

And I went home the other week and Robin Williams was on TV and, you know, we were watching it and she couldn't say, oh, he's a comedian. She went, oh, he's one of your friends. So have they seen you lie? Oh, God, no. It's all about them. I don't want them to come and see it.

Because they actually wanted me to be a doctor, you know, because there aren't enough Asian doctors in Britain. They wanted me to be a doctor, marry a doctor, have some little doctors, you know. I don't know why. But laughter is the best medicine, they should think of that. They never laugh. They're so miserable. Oh, that can't be true. They just never laugh.

They're like, oh, when are you getting married and stopping this nonsense on the motorway? They don't like me driving. They don't like me driving. They think I'm a lorry driver. They don't like me going up and down the motorway and coming back at three in the morning. My mum goes, oh, the neighbours will get the wrong idea about you.

Especially if you forget to drop off the 80-year-old man. Arriving outside the house with him. That's all I can get, Frank. Well, you'll be up to your ears in Kendall Mint Cake. Look at that one. Well, they should be very proud, I think.

Because you've done fantastically well. Now, can I just end with a plug? So the tour is called what? Multiple Choice. OK. OK. You've kept that teaching thing going. Is it A?

No, it's not. And it's all over, basically. It's all over the... All over the country. How many times? It hasn't finished. No, it hasn't. It's all over.

Don't come, everyone. It's over. It's not over. I'll admit that. It's just started and it's all over the country. And it's started now. Have you got a website where they can look up dates? It's on www.shaziamurza.com.

Well, there you go. Do go and see Shazia and don't tell her mum and dad. See ya. And if you're a handsome young Asian, Matt, feel free to text me. Stay away. That'll be fine. Well, no, I, Matt, feel free to text me. Stay away. Text me. That'll be fine. Well, no, I meant more for Emily, to be honest.

Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Yeah. A bit of sweet symphony by The Verve there, coming right at you. Oh, it's disgusting.

I've been drinking out the BRMB mug. It's not too good. So, look, all our regular listeners, I'm not going to do it. Yes, all eight of them will um will be i did thanks chris evans yeah they'll be uh they'll be thinking well hold on emily went to china last week she didn't even mention it that's not all about me well it is but um yeah i went to china went to beijing oh my god guys i loved it omg omg well done Frank. I absolutely loved it. I was bartering in the markets for cashmere.

I went to the Forbidden City, which is amazing. Well, do you know why it's called the Forbidden City? No. Because commoners weren't allowed in. So I decided that's a bit like my bedroom. Well, not every night. I think you have curfews occasionally there's an annual amnesty oh that's good

and I met the last emperor's nephew wow god how old is he a bit too old for me sadly he's about 65, 70 is that a Eddie Murphy film it's quite old for a nephew there should be an age when you stop being a nephew too old you must go guys it's amazing there but did you know I was there to interview It's a hole for a nephew, isn't it? There should be an age when you stop being a nephew. Two holes.

But you must go, guys. It's amazing there. But did you know I was there to interview Cate Blanchett? Indeed. That must have been exciting. Oh, I loved her. She's strangely ethereal, don't you think? Oh, she's stunning.

Very good to hear. She emanates light. She does. She does like those things at Halloween. And very tall as well and very kind of statuesque. And afterwards, I did the slightly naff thing. I felt a bit embarrassed because I said, oh, can I have a photo? Did yeah i had to oh thank god that's

great we believed you and my my parents were always very strict don't ask people for autographs darling but my parents never said that i have to say anyway so i said okay can i have the photo oh yeah sure very down to earth and all the lovely went to have the photo. Oh, yeah, sure. Very down-to-earth and all lovely. Went to get the photo taken and Kate went to, she sort of snaked her lovely sinewy arm around me. I thought, oh, that's nice. And then she suddenly thought better of it and took her arm off. Oh, no.

I don't know what, maybe she didn't like my perfume. Did you have a parrot on the far shoulder? Just felt the talons and thought, no, I'm not going there. No, that's a bit... It was a bit weird. So suddenly she thought better of it. Oh. I know. So she just stood side, arms folded.

It was a bit like friend, not friend. I think, yeah, she probably thought, oh, too familiar. Do you do that when you have your photo taken? Well, I... There was a period I had so many photos taken. This was in my glory years yeah when i and put my i started to get a bit of repetitive strain syndrome in the right shoulder and i had to i had to move them around to the left arm this is absolutely i'm sure it must have been caused by something else but i put i put the armor and i go oh just really feel a stabbing pain down the arm. Fan shoulder, that's called.

Is that fan shoulder? Isn't that where you have to put your furniture in a Chinese house? So anyway, it was such a great trip. But I did get very into the toilets over there, Frank, as well. Yes, the forbidden toilets. No, not the forbidden toilets. You know, they have amazing loos. The loos are so amazing over there

that they actually have a memory in them. So they remembered last time you used it. Oh, no. And they start warming the seat in anticipation. There's a memory in the loos? Yeah. I never say loo. I bet they've got some anecdotes, those loos. I bet they have.

There's a memory in it. You haven't mixed it up with an elephant. No. It's definitely a loos. I bet they have. I've got things to say. There's a memory in it. Yeah. You haven't really mixed up with an elephant. No. It's definitely a memory. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't imagine

someone coming out and saying, oh God, who's left a memory in the loo? Oh no. What do they remember? That's what worries me. They just... Have they got photographic memory?

You walk in and they go, oh God. Not this one again. They store your usage patterns. You're joking. No, I just mean in terms of what time of day you're using the toilet. So they're ready for you when you arrive. Yes, yes.

They brace themselves. They brace themselves. Oh. Does the window open automatically? No. Well, what do you mean then? So they remember, they start warming the seat and they open. They don't.

They do. That is unbelievable. I was in Japan once and they had one of these electric ones and at the end of it you pressed the button and water came up like a fabulous fountain. Oh yeah, they've got those. And you just sat and it thoroughly rinsed.

But it was quite a direct jet it wasn't it didn't spray out so that it was quite i mean you could adjust it slightly to get the target absolutely it's direct there's no collateral damage remember an australian cameraman said to me he said oh he said it was it got me right in the date i I've never heard that. They're very crude, aren't they? They're very crude. What do you think? Not Cape Blanchett. Anyway, that's about it from us, actually.

Next week's guest is Izzy Sooty, and we'll be back with Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday. So that's all from us. Good day to you. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.