The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Stewart Francis

Episode Date: September 11, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about the strangest places they have ever slept, plus Stewart Francis pops in for a chat about his Tour De Francis.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank... Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That's a proper ending.

That was, um, one side of love. Transvision vamp. Wendy James. Yeah, we all did. Oh, no, we didn't. I don't mean we all did. That was timing. I didn't know you were going to come in there with her actual name.

Um, yes, welcome. This is, uh, Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Gareth, Emily, guests. Our guest today is Stuart Francis. All the way from Canada. Who would have thought that? I like Canadians. Do you? Why?

I'm just saying. I think they've got a better sense of humour than Americans on the whole. Let's leave it there. Oh, I think we will. You'll love him, then. If you want to text us about anything at all today, I mean, we'll lead you later

in case, you know, I know it's a bit of a it's a broad and blank sheet, but you can text us on 81215. That's the deal. Yes, 81215. Hey, no looking me like that. What's so strange about it? We already had a text in from a man who loves to fall, Frank Frank Gerard in Glasgow

is he a magnificent man I like people who like the fall he's from Gerard from Glasgow Gerard in Glasgow Glasgow he says

well done to you for supporting the fall in your different ways on the show oh that's nice nice to be appreciated yeah

he also says, he thinks, I know you don't like compliments, but I'm going to read it anyway because I quite like the way he phrases it. We have a policy, can I say,

that we get lots of nice, I'll be honest with you, we get lots of nice stuff. But I think when I hear it read out on the radio, I always think, why do you read that?

Or shall we not? No, but I like this, Frank, because it's quite old-fashioned and it's quite sweet. He says, credit to Frank for his genuine ahead-of-time passion for the group, as well as being one of the best, most thoughtful comedians around,

much needed in these times. Oh, that's nice. I like that. It's nice, don't get me wrong, I appreciate all this. We all need a slap on the back. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes we need the complete highlight manoeuvre. Often a slap on the back is enough.

But thanks for that, Gerard. and who come he's up in Glasgow he's on his way home I suppose weave in and out of the sick shadows that's what my girlfriend calls those you know when you get sick on the you know when you walk out on the weekend and often it's been slightly washed away eaten by pigeons, the homeless, that kind of thing.

But there's still a shadow remains. Speaking of pavements, I went in only yesterday. Speaking of pavements. Yeah, we were speaking of pavements, were we not? I feel many of our audience there, their ears have pricked up at the mention of pavements. That's my, that's me. Dust out the old pavement. Turn that up, turn that up, Janice, turn that up, because Oh, pavements. That's my... That's me. Dust out the old pavement.

Turn that up. Turn that up. Janice, turn that up because of pavements thing. So, um... Sidewalk if you're from America or maybe Canada. Well, we'll find out if they say they're in Canada. Write that down. We'll ask Stuart Francis when he comes in.

Question number one. I'm going to also ask him if he can crush a grape. No, don't. That's the other one. Is that? Yes, that's the one who did that children's show. Oh, that one. I've got vague memories of that.

He could test drive a Tonga. Never mind that. We've got a pavement on it, though. He could jump off a... Could he jump off, Stu Francis? He used to say, what could jump... Why are you looking at me? No reason.

I thought you might have seen it on YouTube. Anyway, pavements. So I'm walking down the street. I was walking down the street. Gerard will get that. And there was a bloke that started to overtake me. Now, I'm quite a quick walker. In fact, I'd say I was a very...

On foot, we should say, he overtook you. Yeah, yeah. So I'm... Thanks. I was... I was a very... On foot, we should say, he overtook you. Yeah, yeah. So I'm, I'm, thanks. I was, I was walking along and this bloke started to walk faster than me and overtook me. And no one, it's very rare anyone overtakes me when I'm, because I'm not fast. You've got little pistons there. I am a fast walker. If someone starts to pass me and I realise they're speed walking, you know those people,

you see some women who've got their office clothes, but they've got trainers on. I thought, I'll walk home. I let them, because I think, that's a sport. I don't want to show anyone up. You should also avoid the London Marathon. Don't go out at that time. No, but running, I allow runners past me.

That's fine. But anyway, this bloke, he obviously thought, you know, grey hair, I'll be past this character in a trice. I went having it. So as he went past, the thing was, I went faster but I didn't go

ahead of him, I kept at exactly the same level. So it must have been, I'd say, 100 yards. We walked shoulder to shoulder. And I could see he was looking across at me a little uneasily. And I thought, no, you've got to learn, you people. Oh, it's like some pedestrian version of Duel, that film.

Yeah. And then eventually I burnt him off. I let him go for a while. Burnt him off? Yeah. Poor man, he's some pedestrian. What is that? What does that mean?

Well, that means he left him for dead. He overtook him, didn't he? I should say, for those of you who don't know, that Gareth was in a cupboard until he was 26. And it takes a while to catch up, you know? I mean, he's on the wiki all the time, but you can't, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day. So he told me it was built in four years, 713 days.

But that's Wikipedia for you. But I do it a lot, what I call it pedestrian racing. It just makes a walk, I walk a lot, and it just makes it a bit more. Often I'll choose, in the distance, I might choose a pacemaker. I think I've got to get up with them. Oh, my God. Yeah, just to keep, you know. I think there's someone with a pacemaker. I think I've got to get up with them. Oh, my God. Yeah, just to keep, you know... I think there's someone with a pacemaker.

Oh, no. That's going to be really cruel. No, they'd be easy meat. Somebody with a pacemaker would be easy. The other thing to do as well, what I did with this bloke, I must play some music. I mean, that's why people tune in, apparently. Why don't they just get some CDs?

Lucy says that he could jump off a doll's house. Is that what he could jump off says that he could jump off a doll's house is that what he could jump off thank you Lucy appreciate that I thought it would be Wendy who sent that in oh god I'm bobbing and weaving you've got a Dennis the Menace t-shirt on

and you're being a little menace today I like it oh I love it when you're all sort of momish with me this is frank skinner on absolute radio so oh i'll tell you what i saw the other day what about this i've never seen this before it was a sign and it had like a sort of reclining matchstick man on it and it said um no sleeping no sleeping have you ever seen it and it's a proper printed not like a knock-top proper red red border proper sign where was it it was on the um it was on the window of an amusement arcade. Wow.

On the Strand. Now, who thinks, even like someone who's, you know, destitute, who thinks, oh, because they were the kid. I know. It's not quiet, is it, in an amusement arcade? No. There's lots of ka-chinging going on. And where do you recline in there?

I don't know. I imagine that... They're one of those vibrating seats. Sometimes in places like that, they have the vibrating seats you can put money in. I think you've got the wrong place. Yeah. It's not that sort of amusement.

I'm imagining that if a lot of homeless people started going in there and sleeping, they could construct an enormous machine like that one with the coins. So they're just hanging over the edge and you have to put more homeless people in to try and get some down the chute I'd be happy to be an enormous

structure but what high jinx it would be I'll be honest with you I've slept in some bizarre places in my time don't we know it love I slept on a bizarre places in my time. Don't we know it, love? Oh, God, I slept on a central reservation

in London. Central reservation? Yeah. You know what I said. I know what it is. I'm just expressing surprise that you have a lie down there. Hold on, it was grass. I don't need to think it was concrete. It was like it's more of a sort of an island, a traffic island.

Was that during the Pernod days? Yeah, obviously, it's not the sort of thing a sober person would do, is it? I'm like, oh, I'm a bit tired, I might go and sleep. No, in those days, I sort of, if I got tired, I basically just crumpled wherever I was. But I woke up and it was about, I suppose, about 8 o'clock in the morning. No one had come to see if I was all right. And there was, you know, cars going round and people looking at me and stuff like that.

You know, and you wake up and it's like waking up in, you know, you wake up in the morning. I didn't, I mean, I didn't want to go to the toilet because I'd been, well, I'd been through the night. Oh, God. I discovered. But, yeah, but when you think about it, this is what I always think back of my freedom the freedom of those drinking days to be able to just sleep wherever you get tired

oh yeah, halcyon days it's like being a baby it wasn't the motorway that would have been dangerous I think it was where Broad Street meets Five Ways if I remember right. There'll be people here from...

Now we know. Yeah, exactly. You should write a book called The Incredible Freedom of Alcoholism. Yes. Just encouraging people... Do you think that would sell? ...to find new freedom. I slept two nights running through Generation X.

Do you remember Generation X, Billy Idol? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I went to see them on a Friday night and slept all the way through it. And then I went on a Saturday night and slept all the way through it again. They should have a no sleeping sign.

That's what they should do. That's what they should do. Well, yeah, they should. In Billy Idol's new amusement arcade, he's got one now. Well, when I came on, I watched the first, I think they did the first song.

And then the next thing I know, there was like a bouncer bloke saying, come on,ke saying come on mate come on and i looked up and generation x had gone the crowd had gone there were people mopping just like that it's a fabulous thing do you want to know the strangest place i've slept go on no you well you could just look at I Love the 90s tapes and there'll be a list of them on there. No, the strangest place was a disused railway carriage in Australia.

I slept in there once. It was horrible. It was out in the bush. It was awful. And it was... How did I find that? You looked so horrified and shocked that I was there. It wasn't a five-star hotel that had one room that was a converted.

No, it wasn't. There were some friends I was staying with, and they said, oh, we've got a spare room. And I went, they didn't. They went, we've got a spare room. And I went, oh, great. And that was their spare room. It was awful.

Were you woken up by a bouncer as well? I was woken up by some wombats. But it was Joe Mangle's bouncer. Oh, I love it when it just falls into place. I slept by the side of a railway track once with a mate. You've slept everywhere. Sort of a bit William Hague. Me and a mate, we just happened to collapse at the same time,

so we slept at the side of it. And when I woke up, we went to the pub the next morning, you know, just to wet our whistles. Because we had whistles as we were at the railway. And I put my thumb in my waistcoat. I used to wear a waistcoat in those days. Put a thumb in my waistcoat pocket. There was a slog in there.

Oh! God. Oh, it's the little things in life, isn't it? Absolute. Radio. Can I just say, Frank Skinner, we've never had so many texts in about the fall. This is just turning into one long show about the fall.

Is that because there was a documentary on last night? Oh, yeah, that's why it is. The shake on the wasp nest is the fall fan. There's Sparta FC here, Sport Victorian Child there. Those are fall tracks if no one doesn't know. Well done. If you want to text us, by the way, 8-12-15. That was it.

That's just a little sound bite. We have had some texts in about, you know, you were talking about odd places you'd slept. Yes. And I was avoiding the question. Yes. Guitarist from the cult. There's a guy called uh what uh dominic has um texted in saying i slept on the verge on the slip road i've slept

on the verge on the verve maybe i slept on the verge on the slip road roundabout at Gordano services I don't know Gordano oh I love those ones it's on the M5 oh M5 are we talking West Country are we talking that end of the M5 yes getting towards it well I think there's a lot of sleeping out isn't there you know it's rural well he was trying to hitch late at night

oh dear yeah you won't get far like that I think people won't respond if you're asleep. He got woken at 6am by the police. Oh dear. Yeah, they be part of their job waking people up apparently. We had to text from

325. Just say their name! 325 has texted! They don't say their name, so you have to say the last bit of the phone number. I've slept on a roundabout. Can I say, when you say you have to, this is a method that you have come up with.

There's no absolute ruling on this. I left my phone somewhere the other day and I phoned up and got the wrong number. I got my own phone number wrong. The text says I I've set... Just one moment. Let's see if I've taken it. It's a Gareth Doan's face.

The wrong number, you say? The text said, I've slept on a roundabout, so you're not alone there. Yeah. I think you'd still be alone unless, so you're not alone there. Yeah. I think you'd still be alone unless you did it at the same time. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're taking in two, literally. I think it's obviously a place.

I think what happens is if you're drunk or whatever, you cross a busy road that's got a roundabout. It's the strain of it, the stress. You think, oh, that's enough for me tonight. And the strain of it the stress you think oh that's enough for me tonight and then you sleep on the roundabout no man is an island of course yeah i can't actually relate to that funnily enough no i've never slept on a road of any sort okay well disused what was it disused railway carry that's so much better. When you say disused, in the bush, did you say?

It was in the bush. Was it entwined with vines? Well, it wasn't in a very pretty state. I said, oh, there's a seat there. Put a blanket over you. So it had seats? Yeah, I slept on the seat. It was a disused railway carry.

With a blanket over me. Called it blanket to make me feel cosy. Oh, I thought that was seat. It was a disused railway carriage. With a blanket, with a blankie over me. Called it blankie to make me feel cosy. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was some sort of farm worker. Oi, blankie! Bring the sheep in! OK! I'll get in the ute.

You know, that was absolutely fabulous. I could smell the dags. Yeah, lovely little bit. As I always say, there isn't enough drama on commercial radio. It's almost non-existent now. Faded, really faded. You might remember Ben King's Hamlet. I remember Ben Jones's Hamlet.

Oh, that's his name. I was calling him Ben King for some reason. What is that? Ben Kingsley. He reminds you of Ben Kingsley. Oh, he does remind me of Ben Kingsley. It's just because he wears that big nappy. Yeah.

And nothing else. I can't... Yeah. And oh, he loves the rice. Anyway. We've been sent in a slightly Creepy picture Of what?

It says Mr Skinner relaxing at Fanfest I don't like the sound of that Gareth What's he doing? He's not in a sauna is he? Well he's with two other men What? In a sauna? No it's some sort of When did the sauna come from? You've had him in the sauna

Well it said relaxing and that sounded sleazy. Can I show you that? Hold on, I can't see it from... Oh, yeah. You've broken your computer. I've broken the computer. I've broken it. Oh, no, it's gone now.

It was good then. Gareth actually held up a whole computer to show me the picture. I'll see if I recognise the other men. Oh, this is great radio. Anyway. I don't know who that is. That's me, though, isn't it? That's definitely you, I think.

Well, that's this week's phone-in. Who are those two other blokes? Isn't that David Baddiel? Is that not David Baddiel? Well, don't say it like, oh, it's really shocking. Frank was spotted out with David Baddiel. Anyway, look, us looking at a photo is not great radio. I think you'll agree.

Yeah, yeah. I might do some shadow puppetry later in the show. You'll love that. I suppose people, if you hold it up to the webcam, people will be able to. Don't do it. No, I don't. So if you've slept in an odd place that you'd like to tell us about,

tell us on 8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You know I love that track. That's Revival by Deer Hunter. Honestly, we played that song before that, didn't we? No, it's a good song. It's a good song.

I just happened to like it. Yeah. I just, I never, I heard the song and I thought, that's great. Who's this boy? Oh. Yeah, it is. Maybe they listened to the show and they've just come out with a new band and thought we'll call it that.

Yeah, maybe. I've got another good track I want to play. I've got PIGGAR! I've got a PIGGAR! Oh, you got really into that one. Oh, that was good. Frank, we've had some texting about strange places people have slept. Good!

Paddy slept through a hawk... I'm not suggesting you read them out. Oh. No, no, go on. Paddy slept through a hawkwind concert. OK. I wonder when that was, because there was a time when uh there was a dancer called uh

stacia who used to that i went to see them at the birmingham odian orquin and we went just because there'd been a picture in the nme are they birminghams uh no okay and they uh stacia would occasionally take her top off on stage and we went went, there was lots of teenage boys there. She didn't, I think she did it once, and it got in the NME. And people went to see them for ages. But I was lured in for all the wrong reasons, and then I actually really liked the gig. You know, Orquind were excellent.

So there you were. You know, as T.S. Eliot said, the last temptation is the greatest treason. No, Ben Jones said that. Right deed for the... Who? Ben Jones. Oh, yeah. Martin from Nottingham, Frank, says he fell asleep on a bouncy castle

at a kid's birthday party. But it's made for it, isn't it? Yeah. It is essentially like a big airbed. Comfy. And Debbie from Paynton said my friend and I once slept in an old red phone box. One on the shelf and one on the floor one on the shelf?

was it he ping ping? what the world's smallest man? is that how he died? there was a wrong number and he fell that must have been like usually you know they have pictures of ladies in phone boxes someone must have gone in there and found an actual woman on that little shelf

yeah that would be quite something yeah keep it keep it manual that's what i said and me and a mate i went we went to visit a friend in in in the in the in the flats by us it was alfred gone house down langley green oh yeah and he wasn't in or he wasn't answering so we went down into the basement and we found the cupboard and my mate actually slept i've only ever seen this in deputies doing this in cowboy films he slept on a chair but he slept with with it leaning back on its back two legs and his his

feet up against the wall and he slept like that perfectly poised geometrically with his hat down over his eyes uh well fortunately we didn't have a Stetson with us. That's a shame. But it was a fabulous thing to say. Of course, nowadays, I would have had a camera phone, and that would have been captured forever. Then I just had to do a charcoal sketch. I always had my art satchel.

I'll bring it in. Viewers will like that as well. I'm not even calling them viewers now. That's because we're doing so much visual stuff on the show. I'll tell you my favourite story of the week. Yeah? I want to call it my minty story of the week, I think. It's all right.

We're currently debating whether to get sponsorship by a mint company and how we can bring in mint references. We'll have to talk about mints all the time. Yeah, it'll be all right. We're currently debating whether to get sponsorship by a mint company and how we can bring in mint references. We'll have to talk about mints all the time. Yeah, we'll be all right. But we're doing it now. How much money do we get for this? I don't think we get any anyway. Oh, don't we?

No, that's one of my motivational problems, the whole thing. Anyway, that's a... Probably shouldn't have mentioned that. We can cut... Oh, it's live, is it? Oh, that's your phone going, Frank. Yes, I'll get it later. So, yes, Lou Reed. Oh, don't... You know, I have a phobia.

I've got a long-standing childhood phobia about him. I don't want to talk about him. That is a weird thing, this. OK. Well, anyway, let's say one of the former lead singers of the Marvelous Underground, Anyway, let's say one of the former lead singers of Albert Underground, he has banned Susan Boyle from singing Perfect Day on American Idol. Oh, no. And isn't it absolutely wonderful that a world can exist

where Susan Boyle is in some sort of conflict with Lou Reed? You know, when people say this a lot, I bet you'd never have thought you was going to be, like, about all sorts of things. As if I sat around as a young man thinking about situations I might be in. But that one is so brilliant. Apparently she got really upset she threw peanuts

around the first-class lounge. I should say, peanuts is her personal assistant. There was no need for that. I want to come back to this story because I just love it. It's got everything. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had a text in about odd places people have slept. Yes. And this is from Danny in Brighton. Was it on 8 12 15 this text? It was. I knew it. It was from Danny in Brighton or as Gareth would call him 86 slept. Yes. And this is from Danny in Brighton. Was it on 8-12-15 this text? It was. I knew it. It was from Danny in Brighton or as Gareth would call him 8-6-9. Yes. And he said... There's the names there you don't need to say it.

That's the whole point. He says, a friend of mine... Have you finished? Yeah. He says... Sorry Gareth no moving furniture. It's become very disruptive since his nomination. I'll have to have a second job. Danny from Brighton says,

a friend of mine slept in a photo booth. He said he woke up at six but got up at seven. So what was he doing for an hour in the photo booth? You know when you're just lying in a photo booth thinking about all the photos you've had over the years. I suppose the curtains were drawn. Well, exactly. He was just getting used to the light.

They're unsatisfactory curtains for keeping out the light, aren't they, in a photo booth? What are they, about two feet long? Where did he put his head? Was it on the little red stool? Or did he just sleep around the stool? Maybe he slept on the stool. Oh, dear. You're thinking on the floor. stool? Maybe he slept on the stool. Oh dear. You're thinking on the floor. Yeah, I'm thinking on the floor.

Well then the curtains are completely superfluous. Well, that's true. I mean, he's flying in the face of all good reason. Anyway, um, Lubo, as I'm now calling it, which is the Lou Reed Oh, I like Lubo. Subo dispute.

I mean, I love the fact that she threw peanuts around the first class lounge. I love it. She's so changed. But I think he was right, wasn't he? Because when Perfect Day was done as a charity single, I can't remember who did what line now, but you'd get, like, you know, it's a very, his vocal is very, it's a perfect day.

So you'd get people joining in with that. I think you're being kind to an air frown. Yeah, exactly. I know someone else. No, I'm spoiling it. You're spoiling it. And operatic singers should stay away from that. But Zubo's basically karaoke.

Like, you can't go around all the karaoke bar saying, sorry, no, you can't sing that. But if you were with Z Subo at a karaoke, you wouldn't suggest you do Perfect Day, which doesn't seem right. Walk on the wild side, maybe. I certainly wouldn't want to see her velvet undergird.

It's not right. Oh, God. But he should, because he was a good friend of, is there a tree eagle? Is there a tree eagle? I nearly said tree ball. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

It's not got it in my mind. The producer's just vomited. Yeah, go on. Yes, well, again. And that was about the first thing. Oh. So, what was I saying? Yeah, so Lubo. Oh, yeah, go on. Yes, well, again. And that was about the first thing. Oh. So, what was I saying? Yeah, so Lou Bow.

Oh, yeah, Lou Bow. Talking about Lou Bow and you were saying... Well, because Lou Reed was very friendly with Andy Warhol. Oh, right. And Andy Warhol, I don't know if you know, but he crossed this woman who he said he'd make her a star and then he didn't. She'd written a script.

And she shot him. Oh. I hate it when that happened yeah well i mean you don't want to cross she'll track she'll track lose out and don't worry about that cross subo you'd be begging for her to shoot you well yeah the thing is she wouldn't she wouldn't shoot you until she'd finished a terrible torturing that That's the trouble. When she's eaten the second ear and you're... Of course, if she ate his ears,

then you probably wouldn't mind him singing Perfect Day. Yeah, I think he's right, though. He's right to be... He probably doesn't know, though, her reputation as... Well, exactly. He doesn't know what he's taken on. I say, if she comes out of that tree, you better get hiding.

That's all I say. You know she lives in a tree. Are you aware of that? Oh, OK. Absolute Radio. Yeah, Crowded House, that was. I won't be taking you where I'm going today, but more of that later.

Yes, who could believe the fabulous trip that Emily's going on. We'll get to that soon. Our guest is Stuart Francis, and he'll be along soon and we've we're available on 8, 12, 15 if you need us we're very available, I don't think you take the weather I think there's weather everywhere, I don't think you take it with you

but you say that but how many people have said to you when you've gone abroad well you've brought the weather with you, haven't you because there's a lot of people from the West Midlands, I find, living in sort of tourist reception areas. Ellis Island has a whole West Bromwich community. It's like when they say, don't bring anything, just bring yourself.

I say, no, bring a very expensive bottle of wine and some chocolates as well. Yes. And maybe some food. Don't just bring yourself. It's that kind of attitude that ruins Cheryl Cole. We've got some texts in, Frank, on 81215 about what curious places people have slept. I'm loving it.

Kate in Croydon. Frank, my sister and I used to regularly curl up and go to sleep under pool tables when our parents refused to leave the pub. This was in the 80s when this behaviour was more acceptable. They should have been outside on a bench with lemonade and crisps. That's where they could have been. Well, exactly, with some pandacola.

Apparently Robin Hood used to often sleep on a snooker table to avoid detection. Oh, yeah. My mate Billy fell asleep while laying loft insulation. And it was late for clock... You could see how that could happen, though. Oh, yeah, because it's very cosy. And probably you had to get very, very low,

like pressing it flat, and next thing you know, ooh. And he said he was late for clocking out. Only guy ever to sleep in for going home. Yeah. From Ryan and Karen. Oh, no. Four.

I'm confused. 900. Say, Dale, if once you've got a system, stick with it. That's my advice. Matt in Surrey. Oh, hi Matt. I like you. I like Surrey as well. Hi Matt. Isn't that a German soap opera of some kind? Listen to this. I once fell down some stone steps while drunk and landed in a lavender bush

where I fell asleep and was only woken the next day by the noise of bees buzzing around my face oh i like that one you see people criticize heavy drinking but there's something beautiful about that isn't that to wait to wake up in the very midst of nature almost almost one with the earth and the and it's like it's like that peter gabriel video when he's overgrown by tendrils. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. And insects of all kinds.

I like that story. It's like Swamp Beast. Was he called Swamp Beast? Swamp Beast, yeah. No, it's Swamp something else. Someone else said it. Swamp Thing. Do you mean Swampy the Bypass Potestor?

Yeah, I mean him. That's the guy, yeah. Dead now, of course. Is he? Yeah. He's not. He did, he had a heart attack and he refused to bypass. Oh!

So not my joke. Everyone was doing that joke. How could you not have heard it? I'm sorry, I wasn't in comedy clubs in 1973. I don't remember. I don't know if he was born in 1973. Was he protesting that early? Did he come out

with some sort of placard? I think not. Now he's dead. He's not really dead. It was a silly joke. I don't want people... You know, I don't want this to be like

when somebody announced the Queen was dead and it caused a big sensation. She isn't, by the way. Can I just read another text, please? No, she isn't. She refused the M4.

It doesn't work. You do. No, but, you know know just get a get a note pal we'll come back to it we'll workshop the edinburgh workshop thanks for this i've got text to read out it's um well actually he hasn't given his name and there's a reason for that and i like him for it he says or she don't know ed know, Edward Nino Hernandez is the new world's smallest man from 516. Oh, I like 516. Or there's a world's new shortest, and there's another, there's a world's shortest man in weight. We'll talk about this later. I'm slightly obsessed with the world's shortest man.

But there's a great thing because this Eno Nino Nino Hernandez. Edward Nino Hernandez. They said he's, because often people are quite ill when they're very short, but they said his only problem is that he has eyesight problems. He's short-sighted. Can you believe it? We only have

this except. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Stuart Francis is in the house, as I believe young people say. In the house? Hello. Hello, and you're wearing a baseball cap.

I am. Now, I think no English people should ever wear a baseball cap. Should never? Never. That's a bit strict. Why not? I just, I don't agree with it. It's a thing, it's a North...

What the heck? It's a North American thing. Yeah, well... But you're a Canadian guy, so it's legit. Exactly, yeah. That's what we do. Peter Doherty said there's nothing sadder than an Englishman wearing a baseball cap.

Is that right? He's right to say that. Hasn't he got a mirror? So, Stuart, can I start off by saying you are one of the few guests we've had who's done Mock the Week who actually likes doing it. We've even had the regulars on here and they all say, oh, I just hate it.

But it's challenging. It's a two and a half hour conversation. So you're sitting on the edge of your seat and trying to get a word in edgewise. But yeah, it's done everything for me over here. I can now tour successfully because of that. Yeah. I'm grateful for that. Yeah.

I was going to say you've milked it, but that sounds a bit negative. No, I milked it. The hats that I've been able to purchase from doing that show, it's just... It's over the top, literally. How many baseball caps would you say you had? What's that, the one?

This is my... That can't be right. Just the one. It's my go-to hat. I was assuming this was your travel cap. No, you would have thought. You would have thought, because it's got travel cap written on it.

But no, I've just got the one. I've got three back in Canada, just in case. I'm not recognizing the logo, I must say. It is an S for Boya Salming. Here we go. How Canadian am I going to sound here? He's a hockey player that used to play for my hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, and he's got a line of clothing, and he's a Swede.

And so it's his logo that's on the hat. I think it's rather chic, I have to say. I'll tell you what I like about it. I'm going to paint a word picture for our listeners. It's brown and it's lived in. This is not a man... What I'm sensing is an emotional attachment with this rather than just a fashion thing.

Based on that story, yeah. Absolutely. Boy, you saw me. Are you the kind of canadian who sits watching the sky sports looking for ice hockey and baseball and and all that no no i will watch the games on espn america um they're on they're on they start at midnight so i'll watch till three o'clock in the morning watch uh if my team's playing definitely but if other teams are playing i'll have a wee look do you think it's an easier thing stewart for a canadian comic to make it in uh britain than an american comic because canada's a bit closer to us spiritually would you agree for that the reason that a lot of expats have gone to uh canada and

so my my parents are both british who lived in canada and so so i've got their sense of humor canadians have evolved from their own sense of humor from the american television so we have the best of both worlds, and I'm the end result of that. So, yeah, I love it over here. I like you've taken American humour and evolved it. Yeah, yeah. You needed a bit of work.

Someone had to do something with it. We Canadians did that. Is there a sort of general rivalry? I've never quite worked this out. It's not like England-Scotland. Is it Canada-America? No, we're better. There's no rivalry. Canadians are better, I've heard on the whole. We England, Scotland. Is it Canada or America? No, we're better. There's no rivalry.

Canadians are better, I feel like, on the whole. We are, absolutely. I think we see them as more civilised. I do, yeah. But that might be because we think they're more British and so we sort of impose that. Without the introduction of the baseball cap, America's really done nothing for the world.

No, well, I see that as a negative. Quit stirring up my hat. I took this thing where i count how many holes they've used on the on the band and judge the size of their brain really i haven't checked yours i don't know how many you've got i don't have any hobbies that's weird good luck with that we've got velcro at the back it's velcro oh well that's that's a get out isn't it because there's nothing to count yes so i know people often ask, Emma Gray is this. But what would you say was the main difference then?

It was Emma Gray. You know Emma Gray. Play along, everyone. I think she was played by Cate Blanchett. But what would you say was the main, when you moved, what was the thing that struck you as being noticeably different? Nothing, because I've been coming over here all my life. All my relatives are British, so nothing.

I just took it in stride. I lived in Spain for nine months before we moved to Britain, and that was more of a transition going from Spain to here, weather-wise and lifestyle and all that kind of stuff. So the transition from Canada to UK was... And bullfighting as well. And bullfighting. Oh, I don't like that. I don't think that happens in Canada.

Not so much, no. It just wouldn't, would it? Not deliberately. Something's happened at the ranch. Well, there's the Calgary Stampede, isn't there? Yeah, absolutely. That's despicable that they still have that in this day and age. Well, isn't that the bulls getting their own bet? I don't know.

I don't know who runs it, so I don't know if they're profiting. It's run by a bull. Is it really? Well, the worm has turned. Exactly. Well, I think you're mixing up your species there, if I may say so. It's early. I'm not a morning person.

We'll be back with more Stuart. I nearly called you Stu then, but we'll go into that in a minute. We're more Stuart Francis after this. Great. but we'll go into that in a minute. More Stuart Francis after this. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Polo Nutini 1010.

Did you say Polo Nutini? Oh, God, it's another mint. Sorry, we're dabbling with sponsorship at theini, 10.10. Did it say Polo Nutini? Oh, God, it's another mint. Sorry, we're dabbling with sponsorship at the moment, Stuart. It's how you get the references in, subtly. Polo Nutini. Stuart, you're going to hit the road, as they say. As they say, October 1st, it starts in York and ends in tears. Isn't that a gay club in Newcastle?

Yes. Okay, well, I'll be there. That's where we met i remember that secret i love the name of your tour because i think it's quite see what i've done there tour de francis i like that so you can imagine my disappointment when i heard that there's a bicycle race with a similar name that's terrible is when someone else has come i'm not saying that they've ripped it off, but I think two people can have the same idea. You'd think. Now, if someone comes to see you... Which I encourage.

Yes. And let's imagine they haven't seen you on TV. If, when? When? When they come to see you, because having heard you on here, obviously they're going to go, I mean, my seal of approval means everything.

Sorry. So what should they expect? Everything. obviously, they're going to go. I mean, my seal of approval means everything. Sorry. So what should they expect? Everything. Well, they can't expect everything. They can, and I deliver. Blue modelling? Everything. Whatever you want, I will do. If you've seen me on the television, hopefully you have,

it's just an hour and five, hour and ten minutes of that. That kind of madness. Without a hat. Now, when I watch you, and Tim Vine is another example. Never heard of him. Yeah, I know, yeah. I see him as the sort of... He was sort of John the Baptist to your Jesus Christ.

You know, he came and led the way, and then you came with the ethereal glow. Yes. Nice. It looks, looks like incredibly hard to write because it's it's one

crafted one line as one after the next there's no I mean it's all lean meat dead weight yep yeah

now how long how long will you do on stage what hour and hour and ten hour and ten now have you ever worked out how many one line

no no that would do my head in actually so i just go up there and just do all the jokes i can remember remember to do and then i'll get off stage and i'll i'll oh damn i forgot to do that one but have you never tempted to do like a longer story or no no it's just self-indulgent no like i'll be told i think given the fact i'm on stage so that's that's rich but uh but i some of these storytellers, and it's like there's a four-minute story, and with a mild payoff at the end,

I'm like, oh, I could have got 20 gags in there. I'm more bang for your buck. I'm all about that. I would like to see me, because all this guy's doing is making me laugh for however long he's on stage, and then he leaves. Yeah. Well, it's a sort of a blanket bombing.

I mean, you're relentless, I think it's fair to say. Yes, a blanket bombing i mean you yes you're relentless yes yeah i love that zing zing zing good night i love that you know a lot of comics would have got five or six tours out of that yeah one absolutely absolutely i'm just going to do this one have you ever heard of the dramatic pause no you could have oh anyway anyway I very much recommend You see Stuart Francis Me too Because not only Are there lots of jokes

But they're also funny Yay It's kind of the perfect combo I'd think And are you going to end With a song I do do songs I absolutely do

I do a chipmunk But I do a little Chipmunk song It's really quite sweet Can we say That was Stuart Who made that noise For those of you

Who think we have rodents Stuart made that noise Yeah For those of you who think we have rodents. Stuart made that noise. And back to this voice. And do you still play, would you still go back and play Canada or have you nailed your collars

to the British mast? I'm here. You're stuck with me, Britain. Your wife's British though, isn't she? She's Scottish, yeah. If she's listening,

hi honey. Put the kettle on. Love you. Is she in Scotland? I don't know where she is. Well, boy, I have my plugging hat on. Yes, I'm wearing a plugging hat. It's not a baseball cap.

It's more of a tit for some kind. You have the buttons on the back. How many is he? We don't get them on a straw boat. Do you remember Straw Boater? He was the South African Minister of Agriculture. Of course I do.

Half my act is based on him. So you have a DVD coming out. November 22nd. Tour de Francis. And it's going to be everywhere. Every store. HMV.com. Amazon.uk.

.co.uk. All that kind of stuff. Too many dots. Yeah. People at home will think they've accidentally picked up some sort of shipping alarm. Absolute. Radio.

We're here with Stuart Francis, who is on tour soon, has got TVD coming out November 22nd, and who used to be a game show host. Yes, I did. What was that like? You're host. Yes, I did. What was that like? You're correct. I've never...

That had a lot of authority. And it lingers, doesn't it? It does. So, well, tell us about that. It was a show called You Bet Your Ass. Ooh, can I say You Bet? Just a minute. Yep.

I can say Bet. You can say it. As long as the prize was some sort of mule or donkey. No, no no it was um it was there was a game show back in the day called you bet your life with uh groucho marx oh so i think it's kind of a modern version of that when the stuff bird exactly we're saying the magic word and then the yeah and so if a contestant said the magic word that it would come down and they'd win ten dollars which back then could buy you a house and a car and

and all that kind of stuff but yeah so it's a modern version of that it's the pop culture and so trivia questions essentially um and it would be three contestants me just being a cheesy game show host yeah picture that um well i don't know if i can really did you do loads of gags on it or did you i was yeah i at the beginning i'd do my own intro and do something funny off the top it was skit ish not not too over the top with skits so what you don't want to make it look too uh you know pre you know like fabricated if you will but um uh so so i just come on do a bit off the top then we kind of launch into the game and and i critique them as they were going along if someone wasn't getting a lot of you know i'd have fun at their expense in a sense without being over the top cruel but uh yeah pointing out how much of

an idiot they were for not knowing that. Not over-the-top cruel. It's what I think you'd be doing at home if you were watching a game show, thinking, oh, come on,

how did you not know that? Oh, God, I did that a lot. There used to be a thing called Family Fortunes. I don't know if you know. Oh, yeah, I love that. And I used to scream, just idiot and stuff.

I mean, I'd get, my girlfriend basically stopped me watching it in the end. It seemed, I lost all faith in humanity, not just the British public. Yeah. Had you watched my show, it would have restored that faith. Oh, that's good. And

you did a sitcom as well in Canada. I feel you've walked away from a lot here. You would have thought. It's amazing what all the things, my sitcom was an award-winning sitcom. I was one of the stars. I wasn't the star. And my game show was seen 16 times a week.

I did regular sports interviews with hockey players. So I was on TV, Canadian television, quite regularly. No one knows who I am over there. I come over here. I do a couple of Mock the Weeks, Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow. And all of a sudden, people are recognizing me and commenting, saying nice things to me on the street and stuff like that. It's just in two years as opposed to 20 years in Canada.

I don't know. We don't have a star system over there. Anybody becomes good at anything, they have to go to Hollywood or further afield. And I came over to the UK because this is the best country in the world for comedy. But there must be... Can you put that down as a jingle? We like that.

There must be Canadian stars, though, aren't there? Well, yeah. Ceci trying to think of one. But they've all gone, like Jim Carrey and the likes, you know, Celine Dion. I don't know why I'm doing these things. I'm sorry. Why the long face?

But yeah, but they had to leave Canada to become, because we don't have the vehicle that you need to become a star. Yeah. It's kind of, we're not, I'd say apathetic, a wee bit.

I think it might be your high civilization. Yeah. That you see each other as equals. Oh, we are, absolutely. But hey,

that equal is the guy that's on that amazing sitcom, An American in Canada. But, you know, whatever you do, don't look at him, don't comment, don't say anything nice to him, and just put your hat in a different direction and walk away.

You don't want to be an equal, do you? It's as simple as that. No, I completely want to be an equal, but it's nice to get a pat on the back every now and then. Would it kill him? Yeah. And sometimes the entire home, it would. Yeah, it's good.

Well, look, can we say again the details of your tour? It starts October 1st, New York. Three shows in particular. Did you say New York? New York. I'm sorry, I might have said New York. I was going to say, I mean... Did that sound better?

Yeah, New York. I'm not getting on a plane for it. I'm in L.A. on October 1st. I'm in Grimsby October 10th, Lincoln October 12th, and Sheffield October 16th. And the DVD comes out November 22nd. I think we've covered everything. It's

really nice to have you on. Oh thanks. It's been my absolute pleasure. Go and... Oh. I mean this guy can't stop. I tried. When he takes the hat off he's not funny at all. That's it. It's like Billy's mask. Yeah. So no it's been great. And go and see Stuart

because you will get, as you say, more jokes for your money than anywhere else. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to start fading that song before he says... Why?

Because why put it in? There seems such lovely clean funky types I imagine them amongst bales of hay and with banjos and then suddenly they have to

put a swear in thinking Mumford and Sons Dadford and Sons I call them because they're so macho with their swearing Swearionford and Sons

Yeah, Swearionford See that's what Ben Jones has arrived Woo! Ben Jones has arrived. Woo! Ben Jones. You can have that as a jingle, Ben. So, he's got a Super Radio T-shirt on.

Yeah. And he's got his little yogurt. Pushing it, isn't he? He always starts with a little yogurt. Does he? He loves his little yogurt. I never knew that. So, Emily is... Leaving on a jet plane.

Am I right? I am, but let's not talk about my silly old trip to Beijing to interview Cate Blanchett. Let's talk about you going to West Bromwich. Oh, look. We all have our own lights to follow. Yours is the M40. Yes. Yeah, I'm going to Beijing. Yours is the M40. Yes.

Yeah, I'm going to Beijing. I'll go M42, M6 at the end. Don't talk about roads. OK. Yeah, I'm going to Beijing after this show, everyone. Wow. Yeah, I know. It is well.

I get on a plane. Yeah, that's a good idea. And then I turn. Oh, they're the longest walk. Much quicker. Much quicker. Well, the long walk, that's what Chairman Mao did, isn't he? And then I'm going to the Forbidden City.

Why is that? Apparently you're not supposed to go there. No, I've heard that. Oh, I thought it was Birmingham, but there you go. I'm going to the Forbidden... I love Birmingham, really. I know. I'm going to the Forbidden City.

Why is it called that? Well, I don't know. I'm going to find out when I'm over there. I'm getting a private tour. Are you really? Yeah, yeah. That Well, I don't know. I'm going to find out when I'm over there. I'm getting a private tour. Are you really? Yeah, yeah. That'll be smashing. I know.

Is that where the ricotta army are? I don't know. They're not ricotta army. They're terracotta. I think the ricotta army would have gone by now, surely. Mice. Mice would have gone off. Mice would have cleaned that trench out.

The spinach beat them. So, are you excited for me? Did they beat them? spinach beat the record so are you excited for me did they beat the record stop talking about something other than me no they called me alive they called me alive

sorry this is this is Emily's moment yeah it's my big moment I thought I was doing quite a good bit about spinach I'm going to China you're going to Bournemouth

talk about me I've never been to have you been to China and Kate Blanchett she's my favourite celebrity with a surname that's a way of cooking things. Oh, I'm not...

Oh, what about Susan Boyle? And Stephen Fry? I mean, what kind of a... You've got your priorities completely upside down. I can't believe it. Well, I think it's very exciting. Beijing, China?

Yes. And will you find out for me why you're there? Why, in God's name, they ever started that Chinese burn thing? Because it was a great terror to me in my school days.

They have fire, don't they? I don't know what the currency is. Did you say, do they have fire? I don't know what the currency is everywhere. They have fire. Do they do it on wood? Did you say, do they have fire in China? Well, they invented a different thing that's called

the Chinese burn. They have fire. Do they do the Chinese burn on wood? I'm going to put this music on and then I'll show you what a Chinese burn is. Oh, get off!

Get off! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Need you to... Oh, don't ever... Don't ever interrupt me again, Michael. That was in excess. Dear.

Yeah, I hate it when he does that. I met him. He doesn't do it so often these days. Oh, I met him once, when he went out with Paul Yates. I met him. I met him as well. I was there the night you met him. Yeah. Big wow, I met him. He doesn't do it so often these days. Oh, I met him once, when he went out with Paul Yates. I met him. I met him as well. I was there the night you met him. Yeah.

Big wow, I met him too. Yeah, he was there. I met him as well. No, you didn't. We used to go riding together. We used to go riding together. Don't tell lies. You've never met celebrities.

Never. He has. He's never met celebrities. Is he out of your mind? He's a regular Raymond Blanc. Maison Blanc. Is it Maison Blanc? Maison Blanc.

Maison Blanc, I think it is. I don't think they do the consonants. No, it's just Maison Blanc. Can we talk about my trip more? Yes. Will you be flying first class? Well, I think we all know which direction I'll be turning when I go on the plane. I will be going left, yes.

I've managed to wangle it. I should say, because Ben Jones is looking horrified next door. This is not an absolute radio trip. This is in style magazine. Yeah, this is in style magazine. Yes, because when me and Ben Jones went to America to do some absolute stuff, we went by rowing boat. And will you sleep on the way? This is a big dilemma.

Oh, I like a sleep. Well, you know, what's difficult in first class, though, is you've got to look like you're used to it. The trouble is, if you sit there going, oh, can I have some of that champagne? Then they think it's a bit of a treat in your competition, and I've got to act like I'm used to it, even though I'm not really. So I'm going to go to sleep, I think. You see, I always think in first class, and I've been in first class, don't hate me. Other people have paid.

Do you hate me more now or less? I can't work it out. But I think, I'm in first class, do I want to sleep? Or do I want to have every single... Enjoy the spoils. When I went to the World Cup with David Baddiel and our producer, indeed, Emma Newman, we got there a bit late at the...

In the lounge. Well, we were a bit late getting to the airport. Oh. And Dave said, oh, we're losing a bit of lounge time. Oh, I bet the claw comes out in the lounge. Oh, man, he loves it in the lounge. And we was talking to this lady from Virgin, and she said, oh, some people,

if they've got a flight at, say, 8 o'clock in the night, they'll come in, like, you know, 11 o'clock in the morning, have a shower, have a couple of meals. Work, they spend the whole day in the lounge. I do like the lounge. I won't be throwing peanuts around. No, don't throw it. She's looking for another job now, obviously.

Yeah. Pebbles was the cat, wasn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, was it? It was a boy's cat. If it said she'd been throwing pebbles around. Because you know the woman that put the cat in the bin? Hmm.

I thought there was a boylesque element going on there. Whereas Susan loves her cat. I think that's one of the great things. That I'd say was establishing her basic humanity. And according to the article, according to the article, her passing time on the plane

is singing and crying. Alternately singing and crying. Is that right? That'll be me. It will on the way back. Just make sure you take some flowers for them tank muzzles. That's what they love in China.

So next week we'll be broadcasting live from Birmingham. Mainly because I'm being inaugurated as something. I have a great honour being bestowed on me. Again, our guest will be Shazia Mirza. Comedienne, it says here. I don't think they use that word anymore, but how lovely.

It's a bit like negligee. And you can download Not The Weekend podcast from Wednesday. That's our completely different from this show, original. Can't get it on radio, can only get it on the internet thing. And the fabulous Ben Jones is next. And I know I took the mickey out of Ben Jones, but actually he's a really lovely bloke. Yeah, we love Ben.

Can I just say that? I'm just saying that because he accused me of bullying about ten minutes ago. I simply won't have it. I mean, you know, you saw what happened to that woman out of S Club. We've never seen her again since the bullying charge. Poor, lovely girl as well. Face like the moon topped with custard. Incredible.

I'm sending my love out to Kath who had a little operation this week and I hope she's not in too much pain. I love her so much. And good day to you. Absolute Radio.