The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Tim Key

Episode Date: October 23, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about the top comedy earners, collecting weird things and halloween fancy dress.

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Absolute Radio. Marvellous, that was Jelly Baby by... Is that Kiria or is it Kiria? Kiri Takanawa, is that? No, it's not her. Oh, OK, OK. No, and it's not Tanita Takara. I'm going for Kiria. OK.

Because Kiria... Kiria sounds... Look, if she was on stage... I don't know what she looks like, Korea, but if she was on stage looking very attractive, some people might discuss whether they prefer North Korea to South Korea. Yes, I'm sure that will happen. If you receive my meaning. So, I'm in shock, I'll be completely honest with you.

Why's that? Well, The Sun published the top comedy earners this week. In a week where, to one side of me, the country's having its worst financial cuts ever, to the other, Wayne Rooney's getting 250 grand a week, I find myself in a terrible, bleak no-man's land in the top 40. You're on it, Frank. I wish now I'd got a jingle of the old Alan Freeman

da-na-na-na-na-na and then I could read out number 39, Frank Skinner on 200,000. I must say, my manager's in today and he actually phoned and apologised which I thought was a very sweet moment. 200,000, that's good, isn't it? Also, Frank, there are some controversial people, I think,

ahead of you. I'm not going to name names. I am going to name names, actually. Well, Jo Brand, comma 53. Oh, that's not what she earns. That's her age. But, oh no, she earns a little bit more than you.

50,000 more a year she earns, apparently. Well, that's fair enough. I don't like my map. I like it. It's like being a nurse. So that's what I what i feel there is someone who earns less than you yes there is that's true and i'm so pleased that there's someone who earns less than me that is our guest next week i've brought this it's my only one upmanship opportunity i shouldn't it's you know it's good money i'm not complaining there's people's people at home saying, I know, I earn

ten quid a year. Actually, they won't have radios, those people. Jimmy Carr's doing well, isn't he? Oh, he's doing well. He's keeping with him. He keeps. Five million. But, yeah, so there's all... It stops at 40, doesn't it? It's not exhaustive of everyone who does comedy.

Can I just say... No, I noticed you weren't on it. Frank, they've essentially Because I'm not anywhere near... I'm not on it. They've essentially just printed... No, I noticed you weren't on it. Frank, they've essentially just printed my address book, if I'm honest, here. Including the figures next to the names. Yes, I thought it was a list of blackmail victims you'd come up with, and I'm only 39.

I'm touched. There's only one blackmail victim on there. Anyway, what number is he at? Maybe people would like to guess and they can text in. No, I don't think we'll have that as a text in. But if you want to text us about anything, if it's only to say, shot your face about your money, £200,000, it's great.

You can do that on 8-12-15. But bear in mind the 50% tax. And then my manager's ex-15. I end up with just about enough for a cardigan and some No wonder he's wearing such a nice leather jacket this morning. Oh yes, he's living the life

of Riley. And Tim Key is our guest today who's a very fine, fine comic who's been on before. I'm calling him a friend of the show. Friend of the show! Oh, dear.

That was like having a tooth extracted, that thing. I didn't feel it flowed at all. So, yeah, anyway, I'm not in it for the money, I'm in it for love. What about that? That's good. Yeah. I used to be in it for love, that's a fact.

It doesn't say how much love people get on this list. No, there ought to be a love list. It'd be a very different list. Yeah, it should be a laugh list, that's what I want. They're not... anyway. So I thought we'd... I think we've started off on the wrong foot now. Do you know what I mean? As I think Paul McCartney said at his divorce proceedings.

Oh. So I'm going to play something else and perhaps we can pretend this bit never happened. What do you think? I like this bit. Okay, it's in. You weren't in a year. You make a note of that, it's in. That's the morning! We haven't heard that for a bit. You know, they come and they go,

the jingles, don't they? Rob Brydon, £500,000. Leave it now. Okay, sorry. Rob Brydon's getting £500,000. Leave it now. OK, sorry. Rob Brydon's doing £500,000. That was just for one voiceover he got that. It was. We've had some texts in, Frank, and emails. We've had one in from Tom Bradley.

Oh, yeah. I used to... Don't say it like you know him. Well, you know, it's a name of the sort of person you would know. I feel most people, if they carefully trace through their life with a fine-tooth comb, like that one I had when I had the nits at school, they'd find a Tom Bradley somewhere. Oh, yeah. I used to work in a hospital in Cornwall.

That's not me. I know that. In some of the old notes, there were the letters FNC written in the old paediatric medical assessments. written in the old paediatric medical assessments. Oh, the old paediatric medical assessments. This is normal in notes. For example, HPC stands for History of Present Complaint. When I asked what FNC meant, the reply came normal for Cornwall.

Oh, I see. Like a little clever acronym. Normal for Cornwall. Yeah. That's a bit harsh on lovely Cornwall, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, it's not always easy, you know, when you live in a small deserted village

and don't have transport, to find someone who isn't a member of your family. I think people should be more... We're NFA, normal for absolute. That's what we are. Yeah? I don't know if we are. I don't know if we are.

How dare you? I used to live in Cornwall. Cornwall has bad press. Yes. I think what you've just done... The penthouse echo done is rubbish what you've just done is people have thought oh did all that oh yeah are you normal for cornwall no i didn't fit in there either oh okay oh that's sad what else what else david bucknell not quite so common, but acceptable. I'd say David Bucknell is something you want to try on.

I was talking to David Bucknell in sales, and he was... He said we might go out for a couple of beers one night. Yeah, he works... His email says Ranger System is in his email, so he works for something called Ranger System. He might be a part Ranger. Oh, yeah, like Yogi Bear.

Oh, I like that. Yeah, exactly. He'll be on the picnic basket rounds. I wouldn't be surprised. Love the podcast. My dog gets walked further on the strength of it, so thanks from Midge, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Is he a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel?

Is he a King Charles Spaniel who's got a bit of an abandoned attitude? I have a question for Emily. Oh. Does A.W. I'm worried already. Are you on the top comedy earners list? Does A.W. 2010 work? Surely the point of acronyms is to make them easier and quicker to say.

A.W. has the same number of syllables as saying autumn winter. Can you clarify, David? Well, he is, of course, talking about the fashion acronym Autumn Winter 2010. Yes. You see, here's the thing, David. I like your point,

and it's well made, but the fact is you're confusing convenience for style and affectation, which is what it is, essentially. What it is, it's saying, is I'm in with the fashion world, so I can just use the initials. Like RT it's not it's not quicker but it's a hell of a lot cooler

i might say a jean i won't say a pair of jeans i'll say that's a nice jean you're wearing how much better does that sound um not well four percent nfc it's a bit like steven fry nfc it's a bit like stephen fry stephen fry always goes on about www. is a lot longer than world wide web you know how is that what he always goes on about don't listen to him i was watching the qi last night it's strange but it reminds me of when we used to sit cross-legged at school and the teacher would read stig of the dump he goes i'm afraid it's with them just shots of them nodding while he tells them stuff. It's like this show. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that.

Where is he on the list? Hold on. Oh, he is on the list, Frank. Stephen Fry, let me find... Just talk amongst yourselves. What else? Oh, yeah, number 16. Yeah, 16. Two million this year. Yeah.

Well, he's got a big head. It costs that much in hats. No, I don't mean he's got a big head. It costs that much in hats. No, I don't mean he's got a big head as in he's arrogant. He's got an enormous, bone-covered big Mount Rushmore type head. Oh, Frank, we had a text in from Barry Needle.

I like the sound of him. Barry Needle, I imagine he's wearing a rugby shirt as we speak. Well, regional advertising, I think. Some sort of car salesman. Oh, steady. Hi, Frank and gang. I live advertising, I think. Some sort of car salesman. Oh, steady. Hi, Frankengang. I live in, I can never say that, is it Eilat in southern Israel? And your A houseman alarm sounds the same as our rocket warning.

Oh, it has been mentioned. Oh, dear. There's men in metal hats running through the corridors of Absolute as we speak. He said he had to run into the bomb-proof room and take his earphones out. What, he really did? Yeah. Wow. I suppose if that sound...

How loud does he have his radio? I don't know. That people in Israel thought it was a rocket raid. I know. That's good, though. It's good that we're affecting history in some way. It's a sobering thought, isn't it, that some people live in places where that alarm means bombs are going off, and for us it's just poets.

Yes. We should be grateful. I am grateful. Can I make that clear? And also I'm very grateful before anyone else thinks of it to be number 39 on the comedy earners list. There's a lot of people that aren't on the comedy earners list at all. Nice to be mentioned. Well, someone's already said, Good morning on the comedy earners list at all. Nice to be mentioned. Well, someone's already said,

Good morning, Frank, that comedy list should be rated by love and affection. I'm sure a gig by you would sell much more tickets than one by Joe Brown. Oh, but we like Joe Brown. Yeah, we do like Joe Brown. Let's not turn on Joe Brown. That's a good text number. Huh? I think that's your text number.

Shut your face. Welcome to France. This is France Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to France. Shut your face. Roll away your stone, Mumford Sons. And also, I think, the Weight Watchers anthem. Marky Smith claims that at the recent... Marky Smith, the lead singer with The Four, who we play every week on this show, like it or not, he claims that at the festival he heard

what he called the Sons of Mumford rehearsing. And he... I can't tell you what he called them actually, I was trying to think if I can use the word, because he's not exactly swearing, but it's a bit non-PC. It was quite mean, he threw a bottle. He can be mean, oh that's mean. He threw a bottle at their house while they were rehearsing.

Threw a bottle at their house? Yeah, you know. Was he like a 14-year-old delinquent? But the fact that I'm playing them both on the same show, to me, means I've brought harmony to the situation in a small, tiny way. You can text us on 81215, by the way. 81215, about anything at all.

Speaking of harmony, I was being driven in this morning by a very nice bloke. You'd better stop that after you're placing on the comedy. Exactly, yeah. So coming to a halt. When I say I was driven in, I meant I met with a bullwhip. And it's a very nice driver, man. We, coming to a halt. When I say I was driven in, I mean, I met with a bullwhip. Yeah. And it's a very nice driver, man. We were having a lovely chat.

And he just slightly nearly missed a turn in. And this van pulled inside us. This guy got out. I mean, it was five to seven. Who gets that angry at five to seven? He was really... I thought, if I had a firearm now i can't honestly put my hand on my heart and say i wouldn't take this bloke's head off because you felt there are

some acts of violence which improve the planet in a way but out and afterwards that the conversation dropped i could tell the driver was a bit shaking up now yeah he was shaken by the whole... That'll be him. Shaken by the whole experience. No, I imagine he probably listens to Capital. Oh, fine. You have that look about him. But how horrible that we should do that to each other. Why can't we just have more love in the world? Well, I'm all for that.

That's this week's phoning. Why can't we have more love in the world? You can only use 21 characters. Is that what it is on Twitter, 21? No, it's 40. I don't do, I have 40. You don't do Twitter, I know. Oh, Twitter Schmitter, that's what I say.

Speaking of human communication, our Keith called me the other day. Oh, does that count? Every day. No, I love our Keith. He's one of my favourite of all the Birmingham Melis. Yeah, and he he called up we was having a chat about stuff and um mainly about the racing club that they've got at their local pub but i'm not going to talk about that today he uh he started reminiscing about our

childhood and he said do you remember when we used to sit is that one of your family members our childhood no no no no our ke is, but our childhood is something we... It's a period we shared. OK. And he was saying, do you remember when we used to sit on the gutter and write down car numbers when cars went past? And I said, hey, I do. Why did we do that?

Because it makes no sense. We used to sit there, and when a car went past, we'd write down the registration number in a notebook, which we reserved especially for that. You sat in the gutter. Yeah, we sat in the gutter. And I said, why did we do that? And he said, I think it's because there weren't many cars, Matt. So we would just keep it. We were sort of an early form of CCTV. You know, Keith.

Who is that quote from? Is it Oscar Wilde? He says, we're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the cars. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. So it got me thinking about, well, my children in general, and also sort of rubbish hobbies. Did you play brick and stick, or you played in the gutter? It's like Angela's Ashes, your childhood.

Most of my life was spent... They wish they had Angela's Ashes. ...in or around the gutter. I remember I used to keep scrapbooks as one of my things. I used to... Elvis scrapbooks and West Bromwich Albion scrapbooks. And I was thinking about this, because I was thinking about all the stuff I did in my childhood after this conversation,

and then I remembered we didn't buy glue. What we used to do, we used to mix flour and water together and stick stuff in with them. Oh, my God. This was 1918 or something. I used to have scrapbooks, Frank. Did you?

I had the Queen. I'm not joking. I used to collect pictures and portraits of the Queen. Honestly, when I say portraits, not big national portrait gallery oh I loved it I'd cut them out what happened to those scrapbooks

oh my mum's still got them somewhere they're not worth anything they don't look all exciting I had to be worrying who did you put in your scrapbook I remember watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade do you remember that film where it's all about his father that was in your childhood well yeah god that was well deep into my adulthood his father

leaves him a notebook that tells you the way to get the holy grail and i thought that was really cool that notebook so i bought myself some um notebooks to make a cool notebook but i didn't have anything to write in the notebook. So it was just an empty notebook and didn't really have the same effect as a cool kind of dog-eared notebook that you have passed down from your father. You should have made one out of flour and water.

That's my sort of a notebook cake. If you had any rubbish hobbies or collected anything rubbish, then do give us a text on 8-12-15. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And have we got any texts yet? Well, we have. Glennon Lincoln says, we're talking about collecting things,

Glennon Lincoln says, I used to collect clothing tags. I have no idea why what a fabulous collection that would have been some of them are quite big i mean i don't know now you get the uh washing instructions and stuff i suppose you're gonna have you don't they'd be in a sort of an addendum well exactly and we've got ash of twickenham i like this we used to get rotten fruit from the green grocers uh this is 1975 ish yes then stand on the curb and throw it into the road the winner was the one who got the most squashed under tires we used to do a thing where you stand on one side of the road with a football and you have to throw

it in such a way that it hits the following curb and bounce the opposite curve and bounces straight back to you not easy sounds easy in fact can i just say we've had quite a number of people texting and saying they used to also collect car registration numbers oh really they sat on the pavement edge bit more middle class well i sat on the pavement edge i suppose My feet were in the gutter, but I was... Oh, OK. I was thinking of something that rhymed, but I couldn't say it. Yes. Yeah, well, I don't know why we collected them, though. What's the point? I guess it's good if you're ever called to, like, testify in a case or something.

Well, that's why I'd be frightened to collect them. Now, you'd imagine someone would leap out and you'd get shot because there'd be some serious fa-fa-fa-fa-fa- some serious that's what i imagine um and any other yeah um this is good me and my friends used to collect bus tickets i'm liking it yeah that's not a bus conductor they were all different colors i remember when they were different and they were on a roll in sequence so we used to see who could find the longest ticket from a long journey. It was the late 70s when state-of-the-art technology was a really fusion TV game. Michelle, that is.

I remember we used to smoke tea in a pipe. What? We used to put tea leaves in a pipe and smoke that in our dens that we built on waste ground. A friend of mine also had a pigeon that he was trying to teach. He captured it a cage he's trying to teach you to speak it was um futile utterly futile so we went to we had uh we had a date this week me and uh we've seen quite a lot of each other this week yeah we went to see uh stephen sondheim being do you know him gareth um yes a lyricist right Sandheim. Do you know him, Gareth?

Yes, a lyricist, writes musicals and stuff. Yeah. He wrote, Some people can get a thrill Knitting sweaters and sitting still. You know it. West Side Story. Well, it's not from... He did do West Side Story.

Yeah. And Send in the Clowns. Send in the Clowns. Yeah. Yes, Send in the Clowns. Send in 40 of the Clowns. Send in the Clowns. In order of wage. I think think he wrote that um yeah so we

went to see him interview it's very exciting i thought oh we loved it we didn't sit together though gareth what well we did we just chose not well we didn't choose not to be separated you got his ticket first and it was a bit posher than mine i was up in the gods yes but we sat separately and i rather liked it frank yeah i what i liked it there was no pressure to speak to the person next to you oh you know and also disruptive no but you know sometimes you're at something and you sense the person next to you is not enjoying it spoils it for you so i'm thinking as a general rule maybe sitting separate from the person you go to an event with could be a good thing i found it it was like the night before a though. It was very exciting because I wanted to know what he thought of it.

I loved it. Yes, exactly. And we were so excited. We both bought books after his book. £30. Wow. Frank, there was a massive queue, wasn't there? I tried to make him use the cloak of celebrity to queue jump,

and he wouldn't do it. He went all out at the people. No, I didn't want to. Do you know who I am? But when we bought the books, now, what do you think about this, Gareth? When we bought the books, it said, signed by the author, you know who i am um now so but when we bought the books now what do you think about this gareth when we bought the book it said sign that signed by the author you know sign copy of lovely steven sondheim and uh get it while you can and um we uh got the books and they weren't what there was there was a sticker inside signed by steven so it was a post-it note, Frank, let's be honest. Yes.

A post-it note? Yeah. It was, Frank. It was a post-it note. And he signed the sticker? He signed the sticker. He'd signed a sheet of stickers. Yes, that's what had happened. He'd just stuck them in.

Yes. Now, that, to me, is not a signed book. No, it's a signed sticker. I mean, take, for example, if, you know, for Mischief, I'd managed to obtain that sheet of stickers and put one of them, say, on a tawny owl. Just on the back. Not keeping the wings pinned,

just on the centre of the back so it could still fly. Yeah. Would I be able to say, I've got this tawny owl signed by Stephen Sondheim? I don't think I would. Signed by the... Could I advertise it on eBay? Tawny Owl signed by Stephen Sondheim. I don't think I would. Signed by the author. Could I advertise it on eBay? Tawny Owl signed by the author.

Well, obviously not by the author because he didn't write... I don't think he wrote any songs called... And also we were sort of buying it a bit as an investment. And it's not really... That's never going to end up at Christie's, is it? Lot 24, a post-it note signed by Stephen Sondheim. No, so we were duped by Stephen Sondheim. I think that's the story of the week.

Exactly. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. That was Gary Newman with cars. I'm playing that for our Keith. Of course, he used to write down car numbers with me. What led us on onto the subject of

rubbish hobbies and collecting things which can i say our listeners or my clients as i call them oh i wish you wouldn't call them that i know you do but i'm afraid you're just gonna have to live with it now we've had some great texts in frank my dad used to collect the sticky labels off the fruit and on his factory and he lined them up on his factory wall. That's what a marvellous image of the past. Yeah, that's Tina from Carshalton. Linked to that, I used to collect bread bag clips to put on the cables on my bike.

So then was the days when the bread bag clips, now they're just that yellow sticky stuff I find. They had the solid one with the double wire trim. That's from Bodger in Rudgley. You've got a lolly stick in the spokes as well to make an engine noise. I remember that. Get the rattling. The one with the double wire trim. That's from Bodger and Rudgley. Bodger? A lolly stick in the spokes as well to make an engine noise. I remember that.

Get the rattling. Not that I could ride a bike. Still can't ride a bike. No, but someone's actually offered you swimming lessons here, more of which later. Really? Ryan in Brentwood. I used to collect car taxes. I'm liking the alliteration of Brian in Brentwood.

Well, that would be great if his name was Brian, but it's actually Ryan, but no matter. Ryan in Brentwood. Assonance. Yes, it's assonance. How dare you? I used to collect car tax discs when I was a kid. I had hundreds, but threw them away in my teens. You see?

The things we throw away and look back and think, I bet he thinks I wish I'd kept them. Now that the Pringle has been invented, that would have been a nice container for those dishes. You could probably get 2,000. Possibly my favourite, but this is anonymous, sadly. I used to collect moths in my dad's old

tobacco tin. I would collect them every morning. Dead or alive, do you think? Yeah, he says, I would collect them every morning from our bathroom. We used to leave the light on at night as I was a crybaby. I had loads and I went to show my friends, but the tin was full of dust. I then moved on to slugs.

Yes. Yeah. Well, they seem to be constituted almost totally of dust, moths. Yeah, yeah. If you start knocking a moth about, you get rough with it. Next thing you know, the old ashes to ashes, dust to dust, never truer than with a moth. They go down like tinder. You get rough with it. Next thing you know, the old ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Never truer than with a moth.

They go down like tinder. It's all like they're just made of dust. Yeah. True. It's in this particular instance, God, if I may call him that on this show, I thought, well, I won't reconstitute this into organs and stuff. I'll just mould the dust into a shape, a flying shape, that no one gets rough with it.

People used to say if you touched a butterfly, you would knock the dust off its wings and it wouldn't be able to fly anymore. That's true, isn't it? I still believe that. Is that not true? Well, once I used to throw dust... Did you say whence? Whence?

It's all gone a bit Tudor. Geoffrey Chaucer's walked into the studio. I can smell it. Frank and Co, my childhood hobby, me and my cousin, sorry about the grammar, used to make lots of dens, then run off. We called it Let's Make a Den and Run Away. Oh, I like that. Was it hyphenated?

It's Floyd in Cheshire. I like Floyd in Cheshire, I think. It's an album, isn't it? I bought it. No, I like Floyd in Cheshire, I think. It's an album, isn't it? I bought it. No, I like... See, we used to build dens. That was what the summer holidays consisted of. But we'd sit in them for hours.

It was like... First example of having my own property was sitting in a den. You have a bit of, you know, away from the adults. You could talk about rude stuff. Not build them and run off. I don't get it. We built them in our bedroom, our dens. You're all looking

at me like I'm mad. Are you meant to build them outside? That's the general idea. We weren't really allowed. It's not a den. That's an internal lean-to you've got there. I'm not classing that. Someone's texting, I have to sing

Send in the Clowns in a competition today. Oh, good luck with that. It's not Katie Weasel, is it? Someone on the X Factor. Oh, yeah, what if it was? Katie Weasel tight with her chin. Apparently that's how she texts. Yeah, one hand in the pocket

and then she chins the... Honestly. It's not Weasel anyway, it's Katie Wassel. This is what I read in the Daily Herald this week. So, what was I going to say? I could do with a bit of help from our listeners because I'm going to

a Halloween party next week. Yeah, I'm going to that party as well. Send in the clown. They'll love it to that in a competition. Isn't it? Pair of head for your hair. Clowns. I'll let you fill in the gaps.

Yeah, so I'm going to a Halloween party, but I'm going with my girlfriend and her sister. And we were trying to think of a theme, a Halloween-y, horror-y theme, that the three of us would be all together i've got my costume all sorted mine's great i'm not revealing what it is yet but i hope it's as good as mine well if it was three women i'd be happy to go as a female i mean i thought i was thinking the possibility of the you know the witches from the scottish play oh yeah and we've

had bad instances with the cauldron of light i don don't know if... Oh, yeah. I don't want to push anything. But, yeah, so if anyone's got any ideas or a kind of a triple costume... A triumvirate. A ghoulish. Triple or triple, whichever you prefer. Or the three bears. You could be the three bears.

That's a good Halloween theme. Oh, yeah, you're going to have a great night dressed as a bear. Maybe the three bears on fire. That would be Halloween-ish. You don't want to go as anything like that, Frank, because then you're standing around trying to have a drink in a cigarette dressed as an orange or something.

I can't bear that. Nothing on fire. Yeah, but I don't smoke, so I'll be fine. I don't drink. I could go as a pew-pay. Oh, I can't wait to go out with you. A pew-pay would be all right. If only no one got the dust off my wings.

Tim Key's our desti... I can't speak. Our desti-gay. Tim Key's our guest. I can't speak. I'll destigate. Tim Key is our guest today. I'm worried about this though because if you're on the radio and you can't speak you're in big trouble. I've made it work though.

Has something just come through? What was it? You've got to tell us now. Richie from Rochester. That's the alliteration. Yeah. Hi Frank. I used to collect the stickers that would be on the CD albums, the kind that would proclaim including the hit singles. I would stick them to

my bedside lamp, which gradually became an impressive sight to behold until the resulting fire. You could make a lampshade out of those if you got the frame. Yeah. Anyway, we must move on but um yeah any if you want to text us again 8 12 15 you're doing great this morning you're carrying the

whole show you people frank on radio frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio welcome back i don't know why i said i've never said that before after the news i think it's all right, isn't it? Welcome back. Nothing wrong with that. So, you know, I went to see Stephen Sondheim. At the end, he got a standing ovation. Genuine standing ovation.

I don't know about you and the cheap seats, but I was a little bit teary. Yeah. And then the next day, I went to see a film called Africa United. Okay. And it's the first time... It was like a premiere thing, but it's the first time I've ever like a premiere thing but it's the first time i've ever

seen a film get a stand innovation you ever seen that before very odd and i stood up you know and i applauded and then i thought now we're nearing now we're nearing the amount of time i stood for the stephen sondheim stand innovation and I thought well I didn't enjoy it as much as the Stephen Sondheim so I'm gonna have to sit down soon because I honestly did I thought I can't no I have to do a little bit shorter for this so I did that and I got a couple of people looked at me a bit disgruntled like you know the stand innovation has to be a group decision not one bloke thinking that's how much i enjoyed it and i'm down because you were worried someone might come up and say oh

i'm really like glad you like the film more than you like stephen son yeah because you got you know yeah that would have been someone with a stopwatch like a sort of a stopwatch stalker i think you've got the sort of confidence to be the architect of the ovation i couldn't do that for example the other night at stephen's on time i didn't stand up because no one in my area was standing because we were in the gods and the pressure yeah i couldn't like excellent excellent i've only just got that i like it i well no i think you should be prepared to lead if you have to although a one man standing elevation can bevation can be embarrassing. It can be lonely.

I know, I remember when our kids come to see me in Birmingham. It's happened there. But I've never been sure about the standing ovation. I think if you actually feel it's... Sometimes I find myself amidst the standing ovation just because I can't see. You know, I've risen up to look. I'll tell you what I've never done, this text.

I've never shouted bravo. Oh, my parents always used to shout that when I was a kid. My father, bravo, more. Yes, that takes genuine courage, I think, to shout bravo. I think to shout to shout broth anyway we've had some

great suggestions about my Halloween we've had Nick from Chesson says go as Ghostbusters three people

that's a very good idea what you're thinking is that's a very cheap idea three boiler suits come on no boiler suits we can we can

we can modify some knapsacks buy three cheap knapsacks spray them over get like some spray them over get like some spray them over? three hoover attachments I'm feeling a bit

coldy so I'll probably be generating my own ectoplasm by that point in the week, it's all there you could be Slimer Rebecca in Catford says Harry Potter with Ron and Hermione that's quite good but then the girls are going to fight over Hermione who's going to be Ron and Hermione. That's quite good.

That's good. Yeah, but then the girls are going to fight over Hermione, who's going to be Ron Weasley. That's nice for a girl, isn't it? Yeah, they'll be desperate. Well, Catford wears glasses. She could be Harry Potter. Well, I'm thinking, thanks for these.

I mean, this is genuinely good advice. This has become more of a sort of a call centre phone. Help line. You can text us on 81215. Our guest is Tim Key. He'll be along shortly. And if he's listening, I don't mean that in any kind of disparaging way when I say he'll be along shortly.

He's quite tall. Yeah. He's not short. I can't remember. Frank, go as Bananarama. That's a weird... I saw him recently, but he was sitting for the entire evening. We could go as Bananarama. Sean has suggested go as Bananarama. That's a weird thing. I saw him recently but he was sitting for the entire evening.

We could go as Bananarama. Sean has suggested go as Bananarama. They were quite scary. The new, the replacement. Especially at the end. Yeah, that replacement that looked like, as I've said before, Laurence Olivier and Richard III. I could go Laurence Olivier and Richard III and maybe the two girls could just nestle in my hump. Well, there you go.

Nestle in my hump. Isn't that a dorse just nestle in my hump. Well, there you go. Nestle in my hump. Isn't that a dorse? Nestle in my hump. Lean against my stump. Oh! You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints.

Absolute Radio. Tim Key's in the studio. Sponsored by Tree Boss of Mints. Absolute Radio. Tim Key's in the studio. Hello, Frank. Good morning. Don't you dare ask me how I am. Oh, sorry. We've established we weren't going to do all that. Right, OK. You seem fine.

Yes. Yeah, well, I showed the test results this way. You might take that back. So, Tim, it's lovely to have you on, as always. I'm fine. No, we cut that question. Right, OK, it's lovely to have you on, as always. I'm fine. No, we cut that question. Right, OK, yeah. OK.

And I should start off immediately by saying I spent a large part of yesterday afternoon listening to Tim Key with a string quartet on a boat. Did you? Mm. How was your afternoon? It was... Bearing in mind you were listening to that.

I laughed like a drain. Right. Was it a drain? It was more of an industrial sump. An laughed like a drain. Right. Was it a drain? It was more of an industrial sump. An industrial... Sump. Oh. Look it up.

OK. Google it. Well, is that a good... Is that... Did you enjoy it? It was, yeah. It was... I loved it.

It was OK. No, it was better than that. It was very, very funny. Oh, good. I'm glad you liked it. And I even liked the music. Yeah, it's not for everyone, is it? That sort of the classicals you never know sometimes you're in the mood sometimes you're not i mean it's best combined i like it the visuals of an advert yes yeah it does work better

when they're sort of flogging mortgage underneath it i agree for those of you who haven't heard this is a it's a comedy cd it's actually vinyl oh Oh, it's vinyl. Of course it's vinyl. I must have been listening to it on the internet. Okay, yeah. They've made a thousand records of it in vinyl. LP-sized. Yeah, there or thereabouts. Yeah.

If you ever come up with something in between, that could cause havoc on a hi-fi system. Yeah, something in between, and they're quite thick. 31 reps per minute. Yeah. No, it's like a proper... It's a hi-fi system. Yeah, a little something in between, and they're quite thick. 31 reps per minute. Yeah. No, it's like a proper, it's a big album. Yeah. Yeah, not big as in, like, popular, but size-wise.

We'll see. Frank remembers vinyl. Do you? Oh, God, yeah, I remember. It was his idea. Yeah. I didn't like that wax. I found it wasn't durable enough.

I like the cylindrical element. Oh, gorgeous. Yeah. So you should explain what it is, then. So what it is, my friend and I decided that it would be a good idea to make a record. Well, it's his idea, really. He thought it would be quite cool. He's quite cool, sort of hunched and smokes rollies and things.

He knows people who do music. So he decided with his musical friends that it would be quite good to use... Hunched? Is that an element of cool nowadays? It's quite Shoreditch that, isn't it? The hunched thing. Yeah, Shoreditch hunch. You don't puff your chest up.

Exactly. You sort of slope. Sloped is probably better, kind of. Look at the ground. Look at the ground intently. Maybe with a hat and some glasses, Tim. What do you think? What do you say?

This guy doesn't do it, but I don't think he needs to because his hunch is sufficient. I've got an actual hunch. I might just at this late stage in my life have come into call. No. OK.

Bob Dylan pioneered the hunch, I think. He was quite hunched. I think he was the first hunch. Do you know that for a fact, or is it just a hunch? OK, so yeah. So yeah, I think his idea was to combine music and comedy with his music friends and try and create something quite cool somewhere in the middle of it. And I was the pawn in this experiment.

Yeah, there was pawn as well. There's some pawn. Yeah, there's a big picture of me with nothing on on the front. Okay. No, there isn't. Okay. So yeah, he um so yeah he decided to save that for the label yeah then you could have gone yeah no so you're on a boat yeah so we went to a boat um where there was a recording studio and we hired a string quartet uh because uh it was decided that that would be quite classy and then uh i just read poems with a string

quartet playing classical music underneath them and occasionally i interacted with these uh this string quartet and uh after a while a guy called tom basden came in as well with his guitar and uh it was sort of yeah and you verbally assaulted him i verbally assaulted him for a spell and then he left and then we finished yeah made it into an album and they're an all-female uh string no there's one guy actually because a lot of the you spend a lot of time talking about how attractive they are yeah they were yeah they were i mean in a non-bernard manning kind of a way oh no i did it very tastefully yeah yeah quite gentlemanly something about the cello I thought got a bit near the knuckle.

Yeah, it was quite, yeah. Yeah, but it's a very funny album, and the team, as I'm sure you all know, is a poet, so you get the funny poets and then you get the banter. Yeah, it's poetry and banter, yeah. And music. And music, yeah, which is kind of the three best things available at the moment.

So the vinyl, can people still, do they have the equipment? No, the format that we've created it on is obsolete, so no one will listen to it. Okay. But it looks nice, like it's kind of properly, you know, the album art is all good. Yeah. And so it feels like a nice thing. Well, you get more room on one of those than a CD. Yeah, and it's quite a lot of pressure, I found,

to make it look good. So otherwise it's sort of a waste of time. You're constantly trying to justify the fact that you're making an album on vinyl because no-one's going to be able to listen to it, so everything else about it has to be really good. So it looks beautiful. It's really nicely designed.

Well, we used to put album slaves on the wall when I was a young man. Well, you can put this one up if you want. Used to pin them up. And the nice thing about... And I reckon this is why albums are circular. Yeah. So that you can put the drawing pins in.

You don't damage the record inside. Mm. I think that's why they left the corners off them. I mean, I... I don't know. I haven't got a better suggestion. Well, we... I suppose it's so they go round as well.

I think you'll find a square or go round. See that toast there? Just try skimming that across the room, see what happens. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Times like these,

Kung Fu Fighters. Not Kung Fu Fighters. Everybody was Kung Fu Fighters. Yes, uh times like these kung fu fight not kung fu fighters everybody was kung fu fighters yes foo fighters oh my god that's the best granddad thing i've ever done in my you're in if we're just talking about tim's movie you're in a you're in a movie tim yeah i'm in a movie i play customer customer yeah is it the battle of the little big horn? No. Oh, OK. No, I have two lines. In fact, I have a line where I say, what does this, or something like that, and then she cuts me off. OK.

And then she talks for ages, this actress, and then at the end I go, right, thanks, or something like that, and then that's me done. OK. So I wouldn't say I'm sort of top billing. No. Still, foot in the door on that. Yeah, exactly.

And I'm in another one that's actually coming up, which is directed by someone famous, but I can't remember who it is, and Matt Damon's in it. And in that one, I play Coughing Man. Was that a wrestler? Yeah. No. Sounds like it could be, doesn't it?

I'm a guy in a chemist who just goes, I really need some vaccine. Oh, you get a line now. Well, something like that, yeah. And because of the plot of the film, there's no vaccine, unfortunately. So I just kind of go... I was going to say,

I didn't normally ask for a vaccine. No, it's very rare. So I asked for cough drops. No. Although I just went past Boots and there's a sign outside saying you can come and get a flu vaccine. Oh, wow.

Yeah, book in now. I had my flu jab. So you're just getting into character doing some research at Mike Lee. Yeah, yeah. My research is walking past boots sorry gareth you were um i said i had my flu jab last week how was that it's had quite a detrimental effect on you so you're um you're running in the great north run i. I've run it. I've done it.

Oh, was it? Oh. Yeah, you don't keep doing it. I thought it was every week. You do it when it's on. So it was about three weeks ago. Oh. I ran it. Sorry, my research is a little out of date.

It's all right. So you made it then? Yeah. It's good because now we can talk about it retrospectively rather than just imagining. Yeah, we'll talk about it as if it's happened. Yeah. Yeah, I did it. Can I say, and I don't mean this in a derogatory way. It's surprising than just imagining it. Yeah, we'll talk about it as if it's happened. Yeah. Yeah, I did it. Can I say, and I don't mean this in a derogatory way.

It's surprising that you did it. It is. You don't look like a runner, because runners are often quite scrawny. Less fat. Well, they're scrawny. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm not scrawny. No.

No. Are you trying to pay me a compliment? Tim's very well built. Yeah. Maybe too well built. Yeah. Maybe too well built. No. Can you be too well built? No, I'm about right, I think.

Okay. Yeah, no, my body's... Consider ye the moth made merely of dust. Oh. That's what I don't know the Great North from. How long is the Great North, Ron? Is it in North London? It's half a marathon, Frank, and it's in...

Is it North London? No, Newcastle. Oh, OK. I would have done that otherwise. Yes. No, you have to drive up to Newcastle, and you have to stay in Middlesbrough, so there are sort of drawbacks, but it's good fun.

Yeah. And are you a regular... Well, you must be a regular run. Yeah, I try and run, like... I sort of tend to do about um two 10k runs a week something like that do you yeah yeah i do see i'm liking the combination of poet and athlete yeah it's a bit like was it mashima the japanese poet who used to uh pompion um i i imagine probably that yeah he also launched a military coup actually and had to commit suicide

yeah well i mean that's not part of my big game plan, but... No. Well, don't write it off. I'm not writing anything off. It could be a coda. No, if I get pretty good at running, I suppose I probably will do a military coup at some stage. Well, how do you do that?

Well, I don't think he involved... You might have to sort of help a little bit. Remember, he was a white trainer, so he could... It was more impressive. Oh, so you need quite big arms to do a military coup. Yeah, I did. because you have to hold up basically the whole military

Yeah, ok, well I'll look into that Ok Tim Key is our guest this morning uh tim you uh you're gonna tour again soon yeah not again it's the first time i've done it actually well i didn't i see you on tour recently uh what in soho yes no i just did um i did my show in in edinburgh last year and then brought it to london just did london oh okay did it a lot in london so it doesn't class as a two no not really my god this is like oh you enjoyed it was properly funny good there was a point where i was virtually physically supporting you yeah there was

i climbed over you yeah yeah it was quite a surreal moment for me as well yeah i remember i looked you looked down our eyes met i didn't want to put you off. Yeah. And I was... It didn't put me off. You probably could see the sinews in my neck, I was taking, you know. Yeah, I was mainly just thinking, well, that's their skinner. Yeah. Holding me up. Because I didn't know you, really.

No. So it was quite a surreal moment. Oh, there's a lot of water gone under the bridge since then. Oh, of course, we're a bit closer now, I would say. We've shared a snog. We have shared a snog we've never shared a slog can i make that clear we'll put that right what was that french restaurant we went to i don't know what it was called but we share a slog as well yeah it's delicious too garlicky of anything

i'll tell you what i i'm a little confused by, Tim, is that you were in Cambridge Footlights. Yeah. But you weren't a student at Cambridge. No, I wasn't. I had to, I suppose, lie to get into it. I was living in Cambridge at the time, and then I was at a loose end, so I auditioned for Footlights. But don't they say what course you're on or anything like that? Yeah. I was on, I was studying a PhD in Russian looking at the works of Nikolai Gogol

at Sydney Sussex College. That was my life. That'll dissuade people from asking you anymore. Yeah, yeah. You shut it down. And is there a Sydney Sussex? There is a Sydney Sussex, yeah. Because in for a pen, in for a pen. It was well researched.

If you'd just made up a pen, in for a pen. Yeah, it was well-researched. If you had just made up a college and they didn't cover it. Oh, yeah. Well, that show's quite initiative, though. And did you actually get to perform with them and all that? Yeah, yeah, that's how I kind of got into comedy. I got into a show. By lying? Yeah, I lied.

I lied for four months. I don't lie now. I'm sort of straight now. Yeah. Yeah, but for about four months I lied and got into... Four months? You lived to lie. Didn't they ask you about Nikolai Gogol in the tea breaks? Yeah, one guy asked me and I sort of just dropped my shoulder and went to the bar.

Yeah. He asked me about... He said, I'm doing, I'm doing a play at the moment, um, called The Government Inspector by Gogol. Now, what I wanted to know is, when, and I, by that point, I went, oh, no, I'm sort of more, no, no, no, no. Don't think so. Well, you could have said, you could have said, I'm not on my day off, mate. I mean, I've got Gogol up to here. I'm not a machine. I've got Gogol on. here. I'm not a machine. I've got a go-go line.

So, the run, by the way, we should say that you didn't do the North Run just for the hell of it. You did raise money. We should give you full respect. Yeah, I tried to raise money. I mean, it didn't go that well. But I ran it for Shelter, the homeless charity. Okay. And in order to do

the run, you have to say, you have to pledge a certain amount of money. I didn't think that you'd run it for shelter as in, you get a veranda if you win it I knew there was a hut 16 miles away so no, I ran it for them and I had to raise £1600 but I didn't actually do that so now they're a little bit, they're on my back

asking me for That's not how I expected the story to end No Did they actually set you a figure then um yeah they set me a figure of 1600 pounds which and it was quite a lot of um bravado from me saying what do you mean 1600 pounds that's easy what did you raise um i raised uh less than that by about 700 pounds so i raised quite a lot Yeah, but then it sort of just slowed down to a stop and now there's this impasse

where Shelter just sort of occasionally peek over at me and say, what about that £1,600 you were talking about? To make up the difference. Yeah, I think that's implied that they need their £1,600 one way or the other. Well, don't look at me. I'm only 39th who's above you well if i was you would start with sasha baron cohen he earned eight million

quid this year so he's probably got that kind of money in his gardening trousers well yeah if i were to give shelter eight million i mean i know sasha's probably not going to give me all of his money no if i were to give them a even seven million it'd be a start yeah they'd love that well it wouldn't be all of his money it's just for this year no oh yeah exactly i mean eight million's fine then yeah house some people i'm sure we'll ask him for eight million you can barter i've got like a just giving account so your listeners could like give me like a pound or something oh so you can not go i'm gonna give i'll bump it up will you yeah i will bump it. I'll bump it up, Tim. That's an over 40. Yeah, I will bump it up. Oh, bump it up.

How do we do that? Are you going to bump it up, Frank? I might bump it up in a 39th kind of a way. Gareth, are you going to bump it up? But do you want people to donate to Shelter? I want you to bump it up, mate. Bump it up! Stop avoiding the question.

Okay. Are you going to bump it up? I think I get money from Shelter. Gareth, stop being so tight. only now I'd got Bob Dylan's Shelter from the Storm this would be the most careful can I just say by the way before we say a fond farewell to Tim Key

the people who thought I'd like to hear that album which I will repeat the title again it's called Tim Key I can't remember it. Tim Key. With a string quartet on a boat, is it? That was what happened.

Yeah. Tim Key with a string quartet on a boat. Yeah. You don't have to have vinyl because I listen to it on iTunes, so it's downloadable, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that spoils the romance of it. Well, it does, but it might get you, you know.

But maybe people will listen. Yeah, exactly. I agree with that. But can I say where you can get the romance of it. Well, it does, but it might get you, you know... But maybe people will listen. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, exactly. I agree with that. But can I say where you can get the album? Yeah. You can get it from a website called theinvisible.com. They're the guys. It's their initiative to make this thing.

And can I say, if people have only got enough money to either buy the album or give money to Shelter, which would you rather they did? No-brainer, isn't it? Yeah. Go for the art. Yeah, exactly. Always go for the art. They'll go for the art they'll work out they'll stay dry in a way that's helping people who are nearly

homeless as well yeah i imagine the homeless it's quite a wide album i mean they can yeah yeah you can cower underneath it yeah i imagine the homeless become waterproof after a while it. Yeah. I imagine the homeless become waterproof after a while. Frank! Frank! Surely they start off waterproof. They're like us. Yeah. Homeless people don't absorb water. Do they not? No.

By the way, on that website you can also book tickets for the tour. Well that's perfect. The tour starts in February. Anything else you want to plug too? Yeah, justgiving.com forward slash Tim Key 25. Just to sort. Pump it up.

Tour tickets versus shelter contribution. For that, I would say, yeah, I would say let's solve the homeless problem. Because the tour doesn't start until February. Solve the homeless problem by about January and then get out there, get on the road. What's it worth sorting? Okay. Well, look, Tim, it's lovely to see you, as always. It's lovely to see you. I think you're coming to dinner at my house at some point.

Am I? Did you know that? No. Well, maybe you're just being invited. Do I? You don't have to call. I'll sort of be the judge of that, won't I? Well, no, it's a sort of a rag week prank.

Also, I think we're playing crazy golf on Tuesday. Oh, God, it's going to be a bit tight, but I'll be there if I can. We are. OK. That's how people should do their socialising, just make up the thing and then impose it on the other person. Tim, it's lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you too. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Me and Emily had another date. We didn't just go and see Stephen Sondheim. We've been all over each other. Well, don't live in Bournemouth. At home watching the fire or... We were very alone.

You weren't watching the fire, did you say? I was watching the phone. Oh, OK. Oh. This is on fire. You were very passively just watching it drop. Yeah, we went to see some of you will recall that we had um a band on uh a white when i say a band on i don't mean as in gay a band on yeah i mean we we had by the way ben jones is on next and there's something on the

screen in on in the studio which looks like someone sneezed on it and i don't want him to think that it was me it wasn't lucio was it it might have sneezed on it. And I don't want him to think that it was me. It wasn't Lucio, was it? It might have been Lucio. It looks, but I wouldn't want, I didn't want to clean it off because it looks like you'd have to use the antiseptic rinse after. So I just don't want Ben to say it was me. I'm thinking it might, you know, it has a ghost that postures ectoplasmic element to it.

Nevertheless, we went to see Midnight Beast. The Midnight Beast. TMB. And it was a very... I would say the oldest person there. I don't say we were. We in combination were the oldest person. And I went with my celebrity friend, Jonathan Ross. You did. And he's not

young. Well, how dare you. And he's got the long hair now and the little pointy beard look very guy force i like it i was gonna see if i could get some money for him outside get him to sit in a push chair he wouldn't he wouldn't go for it but it was um it was great it was good wasn't it but everyone and the nice thing about this everyone was shorter than us because there's a lot of girls like 14 and i had my stack wedges on yeah oh when i met someone didn't i met a man on the way in well it was a rom-com moment it was a real rom-com moment because i parked my car gareth and this man said and he's very good looking all blonde and quite

handsome how i like him and i said uh he said oh can you park here and i went oh i don't know and he said uh i said i'm going to the academy he said so am i and i said i'm going to see the midnight beast and he said so am i and then he said he said where is it, oh, I'm going to the academy. He said, so am I. And I said, I'm going to see the Midnight Beast. And he said, so am I. And then he said, where is it? I said, I don't know. I haven't got my glasses on. He went, neither have I. Oh, my God.

It was so rom-com. I thought we've got so much in common. It's meant to be. So Emily came and said, I've just met this guy. It's very rom-com. And then this man came over who looked like, now, for those of you who aren't football fans, he looked like Robbie Savage.

Yeah, that really put me off him when Frank said that. Now, Robbie Savage is a sort of... He's a good pundit and a good player. He's a bit violent. He was good-looking. Fine, you're just being too critical. I don't mind someone looking like Robbie Savage accidentally, but this is a bloke who you could see and thought,

you know, with a bit of effort, I could look like Robbie Savage savage i don't want someone who takes it on well that put me off him but it was uh we we we bopped you know considering we were you know not really there uh i mean i think most people thought i probably had a child in the band and that's why i was there but we did that i did that quite a lot me and jonathan some serious moves were going on there. Well, I don't know that they were exactly serious. But it was... Do you know what I found? That the air con in there at the back of the Islington Academy was so fierce that I was fearing I might pick up a bit of a stiff neck.

Oh, God. Which you don't want to be worrying about that at a youth-based gig. No. But it was, was it not fierce? It was quite fierce. My hair was, I mean. I was distracted by Robbie Savage. Well, he looked like he's off a BG's album sleeve when the air con kicked in. But it was, it was splendid.

Did you get his number? That's none of your business. Are you going to meet up? I'd put her off him. Oh. You don't know how it ended up. You don't know if I ended up getting a note on my bar windscreen. No, I know that. I know that. Get a ticket.

Bottom line is that you seek my approval. Oh, do I? I think so. I think we all do with our friends. We like our friends to like our partners, don't we? I've said nothing. Do we? So did he leave a note on your windscreen

I'm not saying anything ok well I've left a note on Ben Jones' windscreen, well I haven't but there is one, next week our guest is Chris Addison, number 40 in the top 40 comedians you can listen to Not The Weekend

podcast, download that on Wednesday, that's completely different stuff from this show As I've said, Ben Jones is next And he can do his own wiping And it's been lovely Thank you for some great texts this week Congratulations to you all And I'm off to get three matching knapsacks

And some vacuum attachments I'd better sort out that costume as well Good day to you You're listening to Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Working towards a mintier world With Dreamer Soft Mints Absolute Radio