The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Haircuts & Emails

Episode Date: April 5, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss accidental emails, Blur haircuts and segways.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you Thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absolute radio.co.uk Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hello and welcome to Not The Weekend podcast. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Gareth Emily.

They're the basic ingredients, I would say, summed up in a list. Got some Gareth lightly grated over the show today. Some grated because it's an ingredient, you said. Oh, yeah. I'm more of a garnish. Yeah. I'm more of an Alf garnish. Sorry, I'm still slightly traumatised.

Why? I saw Emma, the producer's tattoo, just before we started, and, you know, we don't have that kind of relationship. It's the small of the back, but even so, there's something intimate about it. I didn't know she had a tramp stamp. She didn't seem the type. Is that what they call it?

Very much so. Well, she claimed. I asked, I said, oh, Emma, I saw your tattoo. I felt I had to tell her, otherwise it becomes... Do you know what? ...a creeping tomory. Frank, now, that was in her Scrafton days. That's her maiden name.

Oh, OK. And she was a bit more tramp stamp Scrafton. Now she's Newman maiden name. Oh, OK. And she was a bit more tramp-stamped Scrafton. Now she's Newman. She's changed. I'd have had it removed. Or you could put a plaster on it. It's not big. What does it say?

Please turn over in Chinese. Is that what it is? It must have been there a while. It says Cleopatra coming at you. Oh, wrong horse there. We had another special moment. For Elizabeth Hurley. No, Elizabeth.

Oh, you got the wrong Elizabeth. Got the wrong Elizabeth. Oh, well. We can always do it in the... Live, you said. Oh, well. That explains a lot. Elizabeth, I mean, that's the nature of celebrity.

I can't even remember her second name now. Oh, God, she's only been dead a week. Taylor is what you're grasping for. Yeah. I will tailor and see if I can see the rest of the tattoo, because I didn't get a proper look at it. I'm loving it. Oh, he's on fire. He is. I mean, don't peak too early. We've got

a whole journey to go on here together. I'm quite excited about it. Though I am quite confident, just before we came on air, I was talking about Margie Clark's Edinburgh show, long Edinburgh show of a few years back, when I was astonished at her confidence when she said halfway through the show,

right then, what's your, any favourite quotes from Letter to Brezhnev? And I thought, oh my God, there'll be none. There was none but then i said it in here as an example of a you know of error in the public domain and then emily knew one knew one i know all of them tell i got i love him that's the last line of the film i'm so happy you know that i know i love that film don't you love letters to brezhnev we cover the spectrum here because i have no idea what either of you are talking about happy you know that. I know, I love that film. Don't you love Letter to Brezhnev? We covered the spectrum here because I have no idea what either of you are talking about.

Do you know who Margie Clark is? I don't know. Have you not heard of a film called Letter to Brezhnev? No, I don't think so. Or a letter. Margie Clark. Have you heard of Brezhnev? She was sort of Lily Savage before Lily Savage.

You don't know who Brezhnev is? He doesn't know who Brezhnev is. You've got to know who Brezhnev is. Is he a ballet dancer? No, he was a Russian president. I can hear enough, though. It's going to be president, ballet dancer or chess player. Or spy, slash spy.

Yeah, they seem to be dying out, the whole Russian spy thing. I always, what about this fatigue? I was walking through Covent Garden in London, a large conurbation south-east of England, and a lady's tried to put, you know, they're trying to put the Lucky Heather in you, get you by the Lucky Heather. She tried to put it in my lapel.

Oh, did she? And I said, no thanks, no thanks. And she said, she said, I know you. She said, how come you're not on telly anymore? Did you say you are? You're on Channel 4 at the moment. Well, no, they're on, of course. They're swanning it around.

I'm sorry I don't get your ratings, but am I selling Heather? I think not. Oh, have we had any contact from the outside world? We had a very interesting pedestrian race. Well, let's not set it up as very interesting. I always... When people say, oh, something really funny happened to me,

I always say, well, you tell it and I'll be the judge of that. It is entitled Intermodal Pedestrian Racing. Oh, God, I like it. You like it already? I like it already, yeah. How can it go wrong from there? It's from Sam Haslam. Dear Frank, Emily and Gary...

You're 16? Yeah, 16. I was walking my dog the other day. I happened to catch the desperate eye of a man sitting gloomily in his car good adjectives yeah no i'm loving it i'm great stuck in the rush hour traffic i thought nothing of it and continued to stroll in the sun only to look across again a minute later to see the same man level with me not one to refuse a challenge of any kind i picked up the pace and he began to crawl alongside me almost crashing into the car

in front through eagerness to win obviously I saw him off in the end but I was wondering if it counts as a victory what with him not actually being a pedestrian I thought I'd throw it over to the experts to see what they thought I like the intermodal elephant

he wasn't just curb crawling I'm 16 not even running the car I don't think so I like the intermodal elephant. Well, Frank... He wasn't just curb crawling. I was 16. No, not even running the car. Well, I don't think so, no. Not in the way I understand curb crawling. Well, let's not ask. Let's not go there. Frank, what do you think?

If I was going to go curb crawling, I'd like to think I'd use a Segway. Wouldn't that be marvellous? And just ask them to follow? No, I'd be on the segway piggyback I think the phrase we used to use was a knee trembler on the segway as you went home

then we could go round the block a couple of times and drop them off I will, anyway past a certain age your knees are just permanently trembling well they are, yeah. Certainly if I was going to take on a Segway journey. I've never been on a Segway,

but I did, I recently filmed at Salford Media Centre, which is the new BBC building, and I was talking, my dressing room was a three-minute walk from the studio. Can you imagine that? A three-minute walk down Corrigal. You're sounding like J-Lo now. Can you imagine that a three minute walk down sounding like jlo now can you imagine that a three minute war it's it's a long time from a dresser to a studio and um the assistant floor manager said that she said yeah well i was offered a segway earlier that's what they call it speaking of the the hotel i thought of you frank because the hotel i stayed

in they were i should say gareth was the warm-up man, so he was with me. Did I get any work of it? Nothing. Sorry. No, you're a rocker. Perhaps we could get a Tok Tok for you to take me from my dressing room to the studio.

Oh, I want one of those, Frank, a pink one. I thought you were going to have a Tok Tok. So, staying in the same hotel, I think they were the dancers from... They were all wearing Kylie. Kylie Minogue was at your hotel. Really? I was in the cheap hotel next to the studio.

Gareth was in the Lowry, which is the poshest hotel in England. I stayed there. I thought I heard scuttling. I thought it was mice. I think there was a mix-up in the tickets. Gareth, you ended up in the Lowry. Yeah. Congratulations.

I know. How was it? Did you enjoy it? I will. It was a mix up in the in the guy you ended up in the lowry yeah yeah congratulations i know how do you enjoy it i will it was a bit like we talked about tipping um in the show on saturday but i was like there was a man and he took my bag off me as i got out the taxi yes that's what they do that's what they do in manchester they did that when i got off at the railway station. I never saw that bag again. So I made the decision not to tip anyone. Oh, that was nice of you. It's fair. Yeah.

You need to tip in a nice, reasonable standard hotel, babe. You have to tip. I was supposed to give... He just took it. Yeah, it doesn't matter. How much am I supposed to give that man? About a fiver. No. You wouldn't give a fiver.

Well, I had to in Morocco. My standards have raised. It's the £11 tips. If a man took my cat, if I gave a man in a hotel a fiver, I'd won at least a memorable sexual experience. If I just gave one... Well, yeah, it's taken as read, I get that as well.

Where's me segue? Come on, off we go. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Where's my segue? Come on, off we go. No, but... I can't afford that. No, you wouldn't give a fiver. I do. Give them Ethan. I'm not rich, either. I'm not rich.

No, I know. But I think you'll get well looked after. You're pretending to be rich. Yes, I'm pretending, yeah. Occasionally, I've got overexcited and I've tipped heavily, and afterwards I've had a terrible empty feeling of regret. Oh, fine. If I'm in a

black cab, I watch the meter and I always think, please let this not be one of those journeys that's like 7.20 so I think, oh, can I give him 8 or is he going to think 80p? Do I have to go 180? Or do I have to be fishing around for change?

Recently, if the taxi's too much, no tip. They went very slowly in Manchester. Did they? Driving around all over the place, think I don't know where I am. No tip for them. Justify your meanness with a conspiracy theory. It always works that. Anyway. Yeah, but

there were dancers there. Yeah, I didn't tip them because of the people on the grassy knoll. Dancers. Kylie Minogue was at your hotel, that is a fact. And at breakfast, lots of dancers, and all wearing hooded tops. All of them.

Oh, Frank, you'd have fitted in. Yeah, exactly. Would you have cracked out the khaki Franciscan? With hoods up. For a fiver, yes. But then he'd have had to have gone home I mean I'm not doing bed and board yeah and with hoods up at breakfast

hoods up at breakfast what are you sure those weren't teacos as you saw from across the dining room hoods up at breakfast oh no What? Are you sure those weren't Tico's as you saw from across the dining room? Hun's up at breakfast? Oh, no. Well, anyway, I like the intermodal.

It's a very rare opportunity. I'm a bit of a traffic jam enthusiast. I was once in a traffic jam in France, and a man just sat with his hand going... the horn for like 10 minutes and he knew no one could move and uh pretty soon after the first couple of minutes loads of people joined in and in the end I joined in we just had like a big horn chorus and we weren't we were I love a horn chorus is is the verb is the verb bipping that's what I always say I bit my horn have I made that up yes it's beat I always say I bit my my horn. Have I made that up? Yes, it's beep. I always say I bipped my horn.

Oh, that's something very different. So we bipped, and it was like we were bipping at the universe, not at the traffic. It was every frustration in life. Almost quite joyous as well. It is. I wish I'd have had a... I'd have had to have been in an old Model T.

Well, you'd have needed Ronnie Wood nearby. Yeah. He makes a noise not dissimilar, sort of crow-like noise. Oh, the crow man. Incidentally, I don't read stuff about me in the papers. My girlfriend was saying that she read a thing about me where I was described as looking like a posh scarecrow. Really?

So me and Ronnie Wood would have have been like the crow man. Yes. All I need is my little aunt Ali. Mm. You like that? Aunt Ali. That's all I need. It's not all I need.

No. I'm hoping to get some more Pez dispenser offers in from out. They've dried up a bit. I'm looking for novelty heads on the... Ben Jones was sniffing around our Pez dispensers Was he? I wouldn't mind if I could get a Ben Jones Pez dispenser

You could have the Ben Jones head And then also the baseball hat Yes, that would be the mechanism You could have the cyanide in the top Just in case you're kidnapped Very good Speaking of memorabilia That is a seg of memorabilia

all the segues on this show i went i got my haircut the other week and um oh yeah i noticed yeah the head i didn't the hairdresser was a fan of the show or of absolute radio definitely well come on let's get it right well i, I said to him, he said, oh, what have you done this morning? And I said, oh, I do a radio show. And he goes, oh, I listen to Absolute Radio. And I go, well, it was on that. And he goes, oh, right, what show do you do? And he said, the Frank Skinner show.

And he said, oh, yeah, I listen to that. And he goes, oh, what do you do on it? And I said, well, I'm Gareth. And he went, oh. Oh, he didn't know you were. That was all. Yeah, but that just meant he probably doesn't have a memory for names.

No sidekick retention. I don't think of you as a sidekick. I think of you as a co-host. It's nice of you. Yeah. I don't think of you generally that way. No. But when I do, I think, yeah, I think a sidekick, I think.

I mean, they used to say that about Bruce Lee when he was Kato in the Green Hornet TV series, and I thought he was more than that. Well, it's funny, because Boyd Hilton of Heat magazine said to me only this week at the BAFTA jury judging, would you... Whoa! It was a salvo!

He said... Yeah. He introduced me as a sidekick, as Frank's sidekick. He said, you don't mind being called a sidekick? I said, I love it. That was my response. I was very happy to be a sidekick. And did you introduce Boyd Hilton as Donald Pleasance's stunt double? No!

Well, I think you should have. Sorry, Gareth. Anyway. Talk about a silly old baftard a little later. Are you trying to destroy my story of the hairdressers? Sorry, Gareth. Anyway. Talk about a silly old BAFTA story later. Yeah, when we could be hearing about Gareth's Bournemouth haircut. Was it in Bournemouth or did you travel to London, Frank? No, it was in Camden. It was in a trendy Camden barber's. OK.

I don't remember there being a power cut in Camden over the last couple of weeks. What do you mean? It looks like it was cut in darkness. What's the bit at the front down here? I haven't put any product on it. Don't ask about the bit at the front. Have you seen the bit at the front? This is what you brought up, Mayo's Moles.

Mayo's Moles sounds like a kid's TV series from the 1970s. You brought up Mayo's Moles. I know it's Garrett's front bit. Oh, Garrett's put a newspaper on his head. You've made him self-conscious in the extreme. You brought up Mayhem's Moles. I know it's Garrett's front bit. Oh, Garrett's put a newspaper on his head. You've made him self-conscious in the extreme. Well, I'm self-conscious. Look how great I look.

It's quite a good thing to be self-conscious. Get your act together. So I was talking to the hairdresser, and he said, so I said, making conversation. Yeah. Did you use the Bermuda Triangle? No, I didn't do that. I said, so what sort of music are you into? And he said he likes Liam Gallagher's new album.

BDI? Yeah, BDI. And I said, oh, I like Blur. Is he a tambourine enthusiast? I don't know. I didn't see a tambourine around. He is a very good friend of Graham Coxon. Oh.

Apparently. Well, you're a massive Blur fan. That must have been. He probably used the same scissors. Yeah. No, he had pictures of him with Graham at the Hyde Park gig. Oh, he had the frame, the old barb of the frame. On the wall.

Oh, you see, I like a black and white ex-British heavyweight. If it's going to be a black and white signed picture. He had pictures on his phone of Graham. Can I say there was a Barbers in Belsize Village in Birmingham. They had pictures in the window and one of them was Yarny. I don't know if you know Yarny. He used to play Cosmic, the sort of music you'd get. Oh, yes, the Greek singer. He was Martin Linda Evans.

I think he was, yes. The sort of bloke you'd get aromatherapy with him in the background. Yes. Not with him in the background with his music in there, but I certainly wouldn't have got aromatherapy. He's not a man I'd want to be in a room with just a towel over me. But he always wore white and he had very, very long, I mean, longer than Emily's hair.

And he was a man who never gets his hair cut. Bizarre. You're listening, Yarny. And you wouldn't imagine he'd go to a barber's either, somewhere posh at your level. No. But he showed me pictures of Graham on his phone actually getting his hair cut.

Oh, God. And also... Sounds a bit intrusive. And also asleep. Asleep? Like, drunk in the hairdressers. I don't like that, barber. No, that's

Valium ground up in the coffee. Have a coffee, Graham. He sounds a bit misery, that barber. Oh, OK. So that must have been exciting. He had a lot of evidence. I mean, if I went to a barber's and he said I cut Marky Smith's hair, I mean, I wouldn't let him cut my hair, but I'd be thrilled that I'd been in the same shop.

No, it was really good. And I said I spent my whole life trying to get my hair to look like I'm in blur. Oh, OK, so is that the look that you were going for? That is what I'm after. Oh, OK. And then he said, if you want, you can write your name on a bit of paper,

and next time Graham's in, I'll get him to write you a note. Okay. And I said, no, I'm not going to write your name. Write your name on a bit of paper? I see a milkman. Right, okay.

A note of what kind? I suppose an autograph. And maybe hair advice. Personalise it. Would you like that? Well, no, that put me under all sorts of pressure then. I didn't want to, well, you know, I'd have to go back there. I'd have to, not that I don't want to.

Well, the good thing is at least you get another haircut. Yeah, but it'd be more of the same. That'd be a good thing. OK, so what did you do then? You said i said yeah i just said no no it's all right oh and then he said you know are you sure you don't want that bit of paper you can you know right i've got paper here you can write your name on it if you want and i was i am a bit surprised because you are i mean i don't think it would be an overstatement to say that you're a blur enthusiast. I thought you'd have snatched his hand off. Well, I just...

Look, I've got this bit of paper Graham Coxon wrote on it. A barber got him to write on it for me. It's not a great story. Yeah, but you didn't have to go into all the details when you're showing it off. You say, oh, I had another note from Coxon. Yeah, Coxie. Call him Coxie so it sounds authentic.

Well, they might think it's Sarah Cox, then you're in trouble. Oh, no, you don't want to do anything like that. I did see on YouTube that you interviewed Graham Coxon. I did. I did see. I did Google in a rather weird fashion. He did a drawing of me, I think. Oh, really? Yeah.

Maybe I should have kept that looking back. But if I'd let any more body excrement build up on the actual metal, I'd never have got it off. I was in an Egyptian gift shop. You know, tatty little gift things. Extraordinary beginning to an anecdote. I'm just pleased it got past, I was in an Egyptian.

And I got tipped off rather the owner had been tipped off that I was a well what he was told was a big name TV celebrity in England, I mean Chinese whispers obviously, but anyway he said to me, I went into the voice

but it's seen as a generic phone, He said, you want to buy good stuff? And I thought, what could this possibly be? Oh, thank you. I'm just after rubbish. Yeah. I said, if I wanted to buy good stuff, what, I'd be in this shop? And he

showed me. He said, I have some real Egyptian artifacts taken from pyramids. And I thought, that is... Illegal. Well, it's just morally... He had a bat room.

Well, he's not the first person I know to have said something like that. No. That's another story. He had an enormous sphinx nose. Oh, dear. No, that rung a strange bell, didn't it? No, but he did. He had all these little that proper stuff i i didn't i that's i'm thinking of a case when i poo-pooed memorabilia i wasn't going to have that yeah yeah i thought that was i didn't like it um but i wouldn't worry about the

barber they're very thick skinned hairdress generally speaking. Or is that rhinoceri? Always get those mixed up. Ever since my Land Rover was charged by Nicky Clark in Kenya. What he'd done is he'd gelled his normal shaggy perm into quite a threatening point. And we were alarmed. Whenever I think of Nicky Clark, all I think of is your ex-girlfriend being upset

because you'd broken up, and Nicky saying, never mind, have a glass of champagne. Yeah, half past ten in the morning. Oh, showbiz. So, did you see in the news this week... Did you see with Ludovic Kennedy? Is that still on? I don't know.

Ludo, as he was... You know he was known as Ludo to his friends. The medieval version was Did Ye See? Much better show. Yeah. The thing about the two blokes who were emailing each other, you know when you get a glimpse into another world? Yeah.

I've never been emailed. I thought you were going to move on to a Cora. That's what I thought the link was. When you get a glimpse into the way of the spirits this portal is closed now that's what he says when he leaves the toilet sorry about that you might want to leave this portal a while sorry about that property i left in the toilet just been in the toilet. Just been in my portal. Give it a few minutes. Like to ask the angels to clear off a bit in there.

And Jim James, give it about five minutes. There you are. A Cora post-toilet. I thought I'd give that a heading. Very good. No, two blokes who were talking about an ex-girlfriend of one of the blokes. Oh, that was horrible. Yeah, how they talk about that poor girl.

Was it Keynesian? Keynesian. They'd been exchanging emails about her and then they'd copied her in by mistake, hadn't they? One of them had done that. Yeah. But the way in which they were basically saying was it i mean lewd things well they were sort of city boys they struck me as that kind of body okay but the way they were talking she is a looker that girl you used to go out with do you mind if i have a crack at her it was that

kind of thing she's a looker to say the least yeah um i have to say i'm against that kind of thing generally but if you be honest Amy if you got an email from a colleague which you were being described as a looker and no mistake would you be offended by that?

No but then what he goes on to say about her isn't great He also says to be honest she is and then it's black blanked out what he says well that's that is open to speculation he says i don't dislike many people but she is one she massively messed me around feel free to pursue yes she is hot pursue spelt wrong which actually would be a deal breaker for me anyway so I would never run out with him so he says that she's like a nightmare and then says but have a go anyway

which is very bad advice but I suppose the point is she was emailed in and then I think have they been suspended or something because they were talking about that I think the guy has been because the email got out and I guess he was doing it while he was at work oh

but none of us would want every conversation we have to be made has been because the email got out and I guess he was doing it while he was at work. Oh. But none of us would want every conversation we have to be made known to the subjects of that conversation. I mean, I think we've all... Do you do this thing that if ever you start to say anything bad about anyone, you check your phone to make sure it's not... Do you know what I do? The chances of having phoned them accidentally. I pick this up from my best friend.

I do one better. I ring someone so that I know it's going to be a case of the last person I rung. I'll ring a safe person. And say, I'm just about to slag off. Blah, blah. Just be grateful it's not you. The thing is, if I was bomb-dialed, I think they call it, you know, someone accidentally called me,

you know, you pick it up and you hear that... All that stuff going on. If I heard them begin to criticise me and then the phone was switched off, I'd think even worse then, because I'd assume while they're switching it off they can criticise me with a bit more gusto. It's not nice being caught, though.

Oh, I had a terrible... When I used to live not nice being caught though oh i had a terrible when i used to live with david baddiel he had um i won't name names obviously but he had a a friend and uh she called him up and uh she was nice but she was a bit off with me generally um and she called him up and he said, OK and he put the phone down after a bit of chat so I there was a song that I sang about her which I'd written, three verses and I started

She was off with you, I can't imagine No, she hadn't heard it, this was one I'd written as a result of her being off with me which listed you know, various various things I didn't like about a thing she'd said which I'd elaborated on in rhyme. Is there a bridge?

No, it was three straight... No chorus? Oh, actually. Is that a chorus? No, no, I think it was just three... It was more of a ballad. Can we not have a sample of what you sung? We can't. Oh, will it be too incriminating? They all might be recognisable. But anyway, because he just had a conversation with her,

I started singing this in a sort of, I'd say light operatic tone about her. And then I realised he hadn't put the phone on the receiver, he'd just put it on the table so he could take the rest of the call on the extension. Oh, no. So it's one thing to hear people talking about you, but to hear them sing a three-verse song, which is obviously not just impromptu, but had been crafted.

Oh, God, I could never, ever face her again. Every time she came round, I just stayed in my room and told Dave to pretend that I was out. Really? Have you seen her ever since? I've never seen her again. Oh. I think we, me and Dave, I couldn't live with him anymore.

It's too embarrassing. Oh, that's harsh. I've done the email thing. In fact, I've done it with your girlfriend and I were involved. We emailed. Oh, yes. She CC'd someone by mistake, who's someone lovely that we like, but it was just, you know.

I remember that. Yeah. She criticised him heavily, didn she criticized him heavily didn't yes yes she criticized him very heavily and then copied it to him but then he sent me an email saying i think this was meant for you to which i replied why do you automatically assume it was meant for me oh well you'd be not wouldn't you have been one of the names on the list? I don't know. But I... Yeah. It was a bad moment.

It just makes me shuddery thinking about it. I had a very awkward situation. I was at a gig. It's a bit complicated. But one of the acts was an actor in Holby City. Oh, yeah. Not one I recognised. Well, I wouldn't recognise anyone.

No. I'm not saying it's a bad programme. It's just not my Well, I wouldn't recognise anyone. No. I'm not saying it's a bad programme, it's just not my cup of tea. It's not on anymore, but he said that... Is it still on? Yeah, it's one of my parents' friends, isn't it? He wants Celebrity Mastermind. Very off. He said that one of the girls who was working on the show,

who turned up on the comedy night was his stalker. Oh, OK. She had been following him to different charity events. Oh, just a charity stalker? Yeah, a charity stalker. Well, at least it was for a good cause. I mean, he may have just been bigging himself up talking about his charity work and his stalker,

but he was talking about that, and we talked to the promoter of the gig, who was this... If there's one thing I like, it's bigging up my stalker oh yeah i love it um and um as we were all talking about her she walked into the room and he went quick you know he dealt with it perfectly he went so anyway and i said to the so anyway as always no one at all suspicious. I walk into a room and somebody goes, so anyway, I never think for one second they were talking about me. So he dealt with it and then... He should have gone, my stalker, ladies and gentlemen.

Inevitably, as it's a charity event. No, but then after he tried to gloss over it, everyone else just went completely silent. Oh, see, that's no backup. No, you've got to just talk madly that's what i do the promoter i always say and that man was robert dugan when they walk into now i know what you say you go oh we were just talking about you you style it out and then that because that's what i do frankly i'll never know it's been inspired it's genius i have been known to come in halfway on

a bermuda triangle anecdote to throw them. What did this gentleman do then? So she walked in, everyone went silent, and then the promoter went, Oh, this is awkward, isn't it? And then walked out of the room. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is now. Just in case it wasn't, let's establish that.

I did another one. When I was at school, there was two kids in the class who, they were quite scruffy. Oh, a bit Ludwin Pig. I mean, we were all very, you know, we were all poor working class folk. And like all poor working class folks all to the earth, we sorted out the very poorest and picked on them for being poorer than us. So this guy came up to me and said, I was looking in the bin in Class E, and I thought, well, that does not surprise me, for a start. He said, I found some drawings that you did of me and Steve as tramps, which I had done.

I must have been quite elaborate. Old-fashioned tramps with, like, the top of the hat sort of come loose and the spotted handkerchief on a stick. I said, we're a couple of swells. Yeah, that was kind of... And I'd drawn them with, like, various pointers referring. You see, what it is, I don't... Can I change it up? I like that you did a sort of Victorian satire.

Most people would yell abuse. It's not that I talk about people behind their back. It's that I use them as a springboard for my art, generally. Songs, drawings, it's all there. What you should have said was, right, you never mention that again and I won't mention that you were going through the bins. That's the deal.

That's what you need. Fair enough. A pact of silence. Fair enough. I'm all for that. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.