The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - House Rules & Saturday Jobs

Episode Date: June 25, 2011

Frank makes a few observations on Andy Murray's crowd, Alun reveals that this show is his first Saturday job in 20 years and Emily makes a few House Rules.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I met this snooker player last night and he's had an operation on his arms to make them about, oh, they must be about five feet long. And the rest, as they say, is history. This is Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Alan Cochran. Oh, hang on a minute.

What's this development? The cock roll? Yeah, exactly. I've got a sound effect. Exactly, it's perfect. That's radio. I've got a sound effect. Exactly, it's perfect. That's radio. You've arrived. And also because we're in the morning,

the cock, you herald a new day. I see myself as the farmer and I feel you're on my fence. OK. I don't know what my role is in this strange tragedy in the barnyard. Well, I imagine you could handle a churn if pushed. Well, you're not wrong. Frank, you know you made a joke quite early on, which I think was a rather fine joke.

What, in the show or in my career? In the show. Yes, I did. Julie from Liverpool says the rest is history. Like it. Yeah, so we were talking earlier, and Alan... The cockerel.

Yeah. The cockerel. I'm not going to do it every time I say your name, don't worry. I'm just... Not minutes off the show. It's a novelty now, I can't leave it alone. You know what it's like. No.

And, yeah, so... And Alan was talking about something, he said, yeah, and the rest is history. And I just thought, well, there's got to be a snooker joke in that so snooker player gets his arms extended and the rest is history i was really it felt like a proper joke it had the straw it had the template of a conventional gag set up punchline ha ha yeah exactly so um i was very happy with it and and you you people who heard that you're the first to hear it probably the last not what say that, but you're probably in the pub

tonight saying, oh, I met this snooker player. It's alright, have it. Have it. Go on, enjoy yourselves with that one. I'm fine with that. The gift that keeps on giving. Yeah, well, it might not, but also I can't hear whether people laugh or not. Everyone in here,

Emma, the producer, just looked at me like I'd said something in Sanskrit. It was withering, actually, her look. It was a bit withering. Withering and confused, I think. You know when sometimes you're shouting at a dog and it doesn't know what you want? It wants to do it, but it doesn't know what you want.

It was that kind of look. Not that I'm saying you look canine in any way. Not that your eyes are that sadness that one sometimes sees on maybe a spaniel. Anyway, I spent the whole evening watching Andy Murray. Oh, I watched some of that. The whole nation. They stopped the BBC. BBC One virtually closed down for Andy Murray.

And every now and again, Sue Barker would come in and explain that if you'd just tuned in for a certain programme, it wasn't happening. It's like 1983. Sue Barker. I'm glad she still gets the work, Frank. I love Sue Barker. There's a bit where she said, if you've tuned in expecting to see EastEnders, maybe you should re-evaluate your life.

It's Friday night. If tuned in especially... I mean, OK, if it's on, you can hear people saying, Sue, leave it. No, no, no, I know what I'm doing. OK, if it's on, fair enough, watch it. But to tune in specifically, and then to be crestfallen

because we're watching a major sporting event i mean come on you pick sue leave it we'll get off my shoulder it went on like that for ages but i it was did you enjoy it frank i did enjoy it it was did you yeah i liked i didn't like that man though i know i know that could mean a lot of people the man with the veins in his head, is it Lubichick? I don't know what his name is. He was the ugliest man I've ever seen on telly. He was all right up to the headband, I thought. And then beyond that, one of you was, Alan,

I know you were gigging last night, is that he was the man, I think he was called Clippity Clop. Is that right? There was a lube, he was an East European. Yeah. And he had a headband on, but he was bald. Now, I always associate the headband with, you know, the Bjorn Borg to hold your hair out. But he obviously was using it to collect sweat.

But I think it was a bit too tight. I think it was. So the skin of his bald head was slightly wrinkled. It was sort of squashed up. You know when you see a badly fitted circle of gingham on a homemade jam jar? Yes. The elastic is causing it to rise up. It was like that.

Do I know that, yes. Oh, I imagine you do. Yeah, it was. So I wasn't happy with that. But I tell you what, I watched that game, and I'm no expert, but I watched that game, I was on my own and uh it gave me a little a bit of scope to concentrate and to do a bit of analysis and i am not certain but i would say i'm 99 sure now that andy maury's mum and his girlfriend do not get on. Oh, I love this.

No, I was watching them in the box. Don't you love a shot of the box? I love that. I felt there was an iron curtain between old Ma Murray, as I believe she's called on the circuit, and the beautiful model. Kim Sears. What's she called? Kim Sears, great hair. Is that what she's called? Kim Sears. Yeah, quite called? Kim Sears, great hair. Is that what she's called?

Kim Sears. Yeah, quite Middleton, I think. Don't you? I know what you mean, but she's sandy-haired. But there was a bit, you know that Morrie, he's one contribution, really, to popular culture, is to do a little punch with his right hand and go, come on!

That's all he ever, that's it. I mean, if I was going to do that, you know, gee myself up a lot, I'd come up with some alternatives. You could spin him around a bit, you know. Occasionally go, oh yes! Or, ha ha! You know?

And then people, yeah, then people think, oh, which one's it going to be this time? I see the fist going, but which one, you know, on the wheel of remarks spinning in his head, where will it stop? It'd be like a fabulous exclamation roulette. But it's always come up. And there was a bit when they shot the mum,

and the mum obviously feeling, you know, who wants to sit next to a model in the box anyway? Especially not in that pink blazer. Especially not one who's taken her son away from her. After all, she's given her entire life. She carried him for nine months. And ever since, has always been putting him as a priority in her life. And now some strumpet turns up and takes him away from her,

turning him against her behind her back. And the model does a little punch and goes, come on, like that, Maurice style. And the mother looked absolute... That is our thing! That's our family thing! You come here and you do the little punches. I come on. Who the hell do you...

Oh, it was a tense. It was such a tense moment. I loved it. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, during that musical interlude, I came up with a bit of a theory, didn't I, regarding Andy Murray and Andy Murray's mother and Kim Sears

and why they may not get on. Because I'd forgotten, but Andy Murray, they had a bit of a break, didn't they, him and the girlfriend? I didn't know that. Well, obviously, he did that thing that you do when you split up with someone and go around saying how terrible they are and everyone goes, I know, and she did this, and now she's got to sit with her and be civil. Oh, I see. So you think the mother was saying,

you're well shot of her. I like the idea they had a break. In tennis terms, it seems appropriate, doesn't it? Yeah, I think he had a banana during their break. 060, are you sure she's a model? All I know about her is that she's the daughter of Nigel Sears, who's in charge of women's tennis in this country.

Oh, God, it's all keeping in there. And for more texts that should have gone to Five Live, tune in on the next link. Well, I, um, no, it's an interesting fact. Don't repel them early, for God's sake. Don't repel. Don't repel texters.

Well, I think that's such a wasted opportunity, the family and friends section. I love that. If only I'd thought it, it would have been worth spending my entire childhood and youth practising tennis to get to a level where I'd be able to play out Wimbledon, where they'd stop all the programmes on a night,

and I could fill my family and friends with a different set of homeless people every day that I'd picked up on the way to the court. Hey, lads, you want to come watch some... And just have them in their drinking cans of special brew and stuff. Just a horrified... I'd love to see R. Keith in there. R. Keith is not homeless, can I point that out?

I didn't say he was. He might go in for homeless chic. But he's got a very nice place. Oh, I had a very fun night this week. I went to see an American comedian. Oh, yeah. Called Bo Burnham. Oh, he's good, isn't he?

Have you seen him? Well, he was in Edinburgh. He was quite the big deal last Edinburgh. Yes, indeed. Do you know him, Alan? I know of him. He's an internet sensation, isn't he? Oh, that's it.

Oh, he's put him down a bit. He's put him down. Intercomedial rivalry there. In my day, you had to go out and do live gigs. All this internet sensation nonsense. What's the world coming to? Yes. You're quite right.

No, he is very good, apparently. I've not seen any of it. Well, yeah, I mean, in my day, you had to entertain the troops. That was the main one. And in my day as well, but let's not go into that. Exactly. Apparently Marlene Dietrich, when she went out to entertain the troops, the German actress and singer, she did that.

She thought, these boys are out here fighting and they deserve any comfort they can get. And she contributed to the war effort. Great Marlena Dietrich gossip there. Yeah, exactly. I'm enjoying that. Very tactfully described as well. Yeah, we're keeping it topical this morning.

It's Marlena Dietrich in World War II shenanigans. Yeah, so I went to see Bo Burnham this... I mean, I should point out he was in Edinburgh. I think he just celebrated his 20th birthday when he was at the Edinburgh Festival. So he's a bit like a comedy

moats hot. And I'm seeing the cockerel as a sort of Salieri figure. Too many notes, Burnham. Too many jokes. So, anyway, when I saw him in Edinburgh, I thought he was so brilliant.

Oh, Alan now, he's looking at me daggers. Can I just say, Frank, there's a bit of an atmosphere. A bit of a Ross Abba atmosphere in the room. Oh, no. If you don't mind me saying. Oh, Frank, there's a bit of an atmosphere. There is. Ross, I've got atmosphere in the room. Oh, no. If you don't mind me saying. Oh, no, I hate that. Personally, I hate a party with a lot of atmosphere.

I don't know about you. I remember I went to one with Andy Murray's mum and his girlfriend. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. I think Monica Selesh did. But she was demonstrating some, I don't know what it was about. Anyway, look, so I saw him in Edinburgh. I was so exhilarated by this hour of comedy, by this kid, this teenager, that when I got out into the street, I ran as fast as I could for about,

I suppose, about 50 yards before I broke down. Short sprints. Yeah, well, I'm 50 odd. So anyway, I told, I met him after this show on Saturday, and I said, you know, nice to meet you, and I said, when I saw you in Edinburgh, and I told him this story, and he looked bemused. And I said, look, you can get, OK, you can get your laughter,

you can get your applause, you can get your standing ovations, but how much sprinting have you had as way of appreciation? And he moved on to talk to some young girls. That was the end of that. But I really... There was a moment when I said to him, I said, if I died today, I am confident that the future of stand-up comedy is in good hands.

That's nice. And about four people who were listening to us talk applauded spontaneously. That is nice. Did they? Yeah. And I said to this... Did they slow hand clap? No, it was a proper applause. And I said to Bo Burnham, I said, now, when you can get applause in the

midst of casual conversation, then you know you've arrived. He moved on again i mean i was moving him around that room like like those that's been the waltzers around at the fair frank on radio frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio frank uh texting from robert employer has banned tea breaks the rest is history. Yeah. Like it? There's another text come in about Lubachick, the

tennis player. Oh, I thought God, I thought Lubachick was some sort of action. Rude command. I think I'll make that decision. In conference with my partner, I think, very much. So pleased you mentioned about Lubachick.

Now you've said it again. How tight it was. I thought his head resembled half of an Easter egg. The chocolate is always dimpled, never perfectly smooth. It's spoilt the whole game for me. I thought they were going to say it's spoilt Easter eggs for me forevermore, but apparently it's spoilt. My brother, when we were children,

my brother fractured his skull by cycling into a stationary van. Horrible. I thought he was going to say he was mistaken for an Easter egg and schoolboys cracked it. The lump on his head swelled up and it was literally like half of an Easter egg. And I remember this because I have a very vivid memory

of us all being gathered around pressing it. Oh! Like house guests were invited, do you want to press his head? Have a go at that, look, it's a fractured skull. And did it have a bit of give in it? Yeah, oh yeah, it had a rubbery feel to it. Oh! Well, I mean, it wasn't the whole head, it was one...

Right, it was a raised section. It was a raised half-easter egg-sized section. Yeah section like he was wearing a small bowler indeed you see i'd have got him a brim to sit around that what's the skull cap he could have just popped a skull a couple yeah or i think yamulka i think is yamulka yamulka sorry my my my the word was right my stress was a bit off i'll get everything right can you um yeah i am what else oh we've had another text oh okay dear frank emily and the cockerel maybe andy murray should adopt the peter crouch robot as a celebration due to their similar builds nice and crouch probably won't need it any time soon. Oh, little football dig there.

To be honest, I think he needs to get away from the robot element, Andy Murray, and move towards a sort of a warm humanity. A humanoid version. Yeah, he needs to be someone that looks a bit more, so people go, ah, rather than, ooh. I always feel sorry for him when people say he's miserable. He's Scottish and he plays a summer sport. He's just out of his comfort zone.

That's all he is. He's not miserable. I cannot say that the cockerel is Scottish, so he can say that. He's not been rained on for about 15 years. It's not right. No. I don't know why I imagine living with his mother. It's a bit like being in a raging storm.

I don't know if he still lives with his mother. Does he? I bet she turns up a lot, though, even if he's got his own place. She looks the type, doesn't she? Oh, maybe. She's got that boy on her tights or apron strings. I noticed, yeah, you know,

you were talking about applause during your Bo Burnham anecdote. Talking of applause, I noticed during the Andy Murray game there was some applause I didn't like, which was that kind of like fast, just before a match point when everyone starts going, getting all excited. Oh, it made me wretch.

I didn't like it. They like to have fun at Wimbledon, don't they? I don't like that. It's a middle-class crowd, and so they shout come on quite a lot, actually. If you took the phrase come on out of Wimbledon coverage, you might as well watch the whole thing mute.

Come on, Andy! Come on, Andy! Come on, Andy! Come on! Come on, Andy! Come on! I've told you, you don't say that! I applauded spontaneously the other day, outside of a performance scenario.

I was walking down Whitehall in London and I watched this man in a large lorry when it's a separate cab from the rest is that an articulated yeah yeah like an 18 wheeler yeah i didn't care but anyway there was a narrow alley i mean really narrow and i thought he's not he's just he's going in there to turn around he's not going to reverse into that is he and he did, he smoothly reversed this massive vehicle

and I applauded and he looked and him and his mate who I must say had done nothing I suppose he's going to suggest he'd given him some guidance but they looked at me and I applauded and they gracefully acknowledged my applause. Excellent.

It was a beautiful thing. I thought, God, if that had... And I'll tell you something, it was such a perfect moment because in a lot of situations, the lorry would have spoiled the poetry of it by going, ah, ah, ah, ah, and it wasn't doing that. I don't know how they'd muted it. It was gliding in silently. Oh.

Made me feel properly happy. And then I had a strange incident with the cab driver. But first of all, music. We only have this except. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. So, I was crossing the road with my girlfriend, Kath.

Because you get to my age, you don't want to be crossing the road on your own. And if you hesitate for a second, there's a boy scout in your arm and they want to shill him. Anyway, a cab driver... I don't know if you were on the window down if it was wet and he said to me he shouted out of the window uh you're very funny the marquis smith yeah no but this was where it left me dilemma wise i couldn't tell whether he'd said, you are very funny or you aren't very funny. Oh, no. I couldn't.

The are, aren't bit was lost in a bit of traffic noise. And that plagued me for, what, a day and a half? And Kath was saying to me, no, I heard it quite clearly. He definitely said are, and I thought, how lovely that you're doing that for me. But you know as well as I do, it's a toss of a coin. But even now, and he was, you know, he looked quite a cool dude, a man of firm opinion

who wouldn't be afraid to say what he felt, be it negative or positive. It's almost like a philosophical test for you to decide whether or not you're optimist or pessimist. It is, yeah, exactly. Is the cab window half shut or half open that's it so anyway if that cab driver's listening what did you say what did you say it's keeping me awake at night i'll be honest with you i mean what if it was art sorry people are gonna text it pretending to be him now i know someone else texted in on 429

the guy that was playing andy murray his head coming through his headband reminded me of my baby being born how lovely well if you'd have uh if you'd lube a chick then that would have been a lot easier oh my goodness what and what if this child is a top-rated tennis player? That's what he meant. Oh, well, fair enough. Frank, can we talk about me? Ah, settle down in your chair, Alan. Yes. Could take some time. So I've moved into my new place, my new pad.

Which is, well, it is rather lovely, I have to say. But I've found... Can I stop you there? Is it, should we say congratulations? I don't know what the situation is if you move into it. You should have at some point. You haven't. That's okay. Congratulations for moving into a flat.

Yeah. Okay. Congratulations. No, for buying it all myself. Congratulations. Well, congratulations. I mean, it's a grander congratulations for being the sort of bright, persevering, determined woman who is able to get that much personal income and to buy your own

flat congratulations on that i really like that and contact quite a lot of contacts in case there's anyone at home feeling bad about themselves so now we've come to the point where i'm decorating and i'm arranging my bits and you know what that's like, Frank? Yes. And what did strike me, as more of my furniture arrived, it's all had to go. Because it's all quite shabby chic. And as I looked at it in my

new sit shoe, which is quite mad men, quite sleek lines, quite modern, it just looked a bit mental Victorian Dowager. Oh God, you've outgrown your old look. Do you know what, Frank? My aesthetics changed. Oh, no. That's what I hate when look. Do you know what, Frank? My aesthetic's changed. Oh, no. That's what I hate when that happens. That can be expensive.

Yeah. My aesthetic's changed. I want Don Draper clean, hard lines now. Yes. That's what I want. Like amoral 1960s businessman. That's the vibe of my pad, yeah. Oh, Don Draper, I thought, was 1950s English clergyman.

I have lost Don Draper. But Frank, there's a lot of white. It's a bit of a white fest. So it does mean I'm going to have to have a shoes-off rule. Now, I don't like shoes-off people. I don't consider myself a shoes-off people. And they're very unspontaneous, horrible people on the whole. Careful with that.

OK, sorry. I mean, there are entire nations we're taking your shoes off in. We don't want the Hindus texting in and the Buddhists and everybody. Well, we do want them texting in. Can I make that perfectly clear? I meant angrily.

No, not angrily ever, no. So what are your views on shoes off? I thought you were skating around the religions who might be texting angrily, but we'll leave it there. What are both of your views on Shoes Off? Well, I... Our house is a bit of a...

How can I describe the way I... I'd say our house is kind of... It's very Arthur and Marilyn. Do you know what I mean? Arthur Miller married Marilyn Monroe, and it was a meeting of two different worlds. And in our house, on the coffee table, I noticed the weekend,

there was the News of the World magazine, a brassiere, and the collected poems of William Carlos Williams. And so rules of tidiness are quite a big thing with me because um there's always clothes about i made a rule that in our lounge and this this was only a few months ago and i did this thing which is a little bit of a tip for couples if you do a rule make it that that you're the victim and you're doing it to punish yourself so i say oh god look at my coats over there and there's my shoes it's about time i stopped doing

that i'm making this place a mess let's have a rule that we don't have any clothes bags or shoes in the lounge i thought that's got around it was there was one point where there was a, there was a chair and it had on it my shirt, my jacket and my overcoat. And I thought, who's going out? Is it me or the chair? So I brought in that rule, but oh man, Cathy's bending, bend. She thinks, so what I'll do is I'll bring in a coat and i'll fold it up and put it on a shelf yeah it's still in the lounge oh very much so she's doing the old minimizing clutter tactic without removing yeah but if you fold the jacket it's still a jacket yeah that's what i think you've got to have house rules though i feel oh god our house isn't quite a shoes off house but

i do take my shoes off we've got got wooden floors, that's the thing. People, guests, they can keep their shoes on if they want. I'd rather they didn't, but sometimes people wear holey socks and they get a bit self-conscious. Well, Don Draper always wears holey socks. Yeah. I'd like to know, I'm going to make this a formal texting. What are our listeners' house rules?

Because some people have very, very strange ones. Have we told them the number to text in on, Frank? Remind them. Well, I mean, you know, I'm an artist, not a mathematician. OK, I'm doing the housekeeping. 8-12-15. 8-12-15. We'd like to know what you are.

Frank, text in on 199. Love your out and about around London anecdotes, Frank. Think you should stand for London Mayor? Well, Eddie Izzard is planning to do that in nine years' time. He's going to stand for Mayor. What in those heels? Yes! And so I won't be doing that because I wouldn't want to step on Eddie's toes.

What in those heels? Yes! Also, I don't know, in our house, I've become very intimidated by the fridge oh dear I've got one of these, it's quite a nice fridge and if you have the door open

for more than 30 seconds it goes like that to tell you to shut the door and Kathy,ath's completely blasé she ignores the fridge and i'm the other side of the lounge going fridge fridge and i'm because if you leave it i'll do another oh and the second one for me that's the end of the world

oh yeah but honestly it's ruling me with a rod of iron. What I'm doing, before I open the fridge door, I'm really getting sorted in my head what I'm taking out. You know what I mean? I'm taking it all out in one go. That door has never left the jar. I am... I feel I'm being made to... Now, the end of that sentence is this week's phone-in.

I just couldn't think of anything. So, there I am, being victimised by my own fridge. I think I'm being made to... I'll leave it with you.

Frank, we've had lots of texts in Rehouse Rules. Fabulous. They've've had lots of texts in re-house rules. Fabulous. They've got a lot of house rules, these listeners, haven't they? Yeah. We've got a text in 602. In my house, shoes have to come off.

I think it's rude not to. I'd never leave mine on at anyone else's. Also, people have to have a coaster if they have a drink. Also, I won't let my friends lay down on my sofa. That's from Reece. That's a great rule i like that i wonder at what level they start to lean and recline a bit that he's going um hold on that i think we're we're in the territory now of laying if you're beyond an airline seat yeah back i like to think there's a protractor on the armrest that he can put against them. An alarm goes off.

And I wonder if that changes, like if they're overnight guests, are they allowed to lie on the couch or if it's just visitors? Well, I mean, if it was a sofa bed, that would be a ludicrous district. Can't have that rule on a futon, can you? No, I think he's got his... I'm saying it's a he. Yeah, it's Rhys. Oh, I thought this was the number. Some are just a number.

They do come in just a number sometimes. Frank, your house is starting to sound a bit like bed knobs and broomsticks with all the anthropomorphised furniture. Has Angela Lansbury been there magicing things up without your consent because that's not on? I think that's a reference to your chair wearing all your clothes. Oh, God. Wandering around.

Oh, God. Well, if you saw my cushions. I'll tell you about my cushions sometime. They're just wearing a baseball cap and a scarf and some sunglasses, aren't they? They are, they have their own identities. But we shouldn't talk about this now. Let's, you know. Oh, okay.

Frank, 073, cigarettes on the marble floor but never on the carpet. Oh, I see. Sounds like my childhood. It sounds like the court of Caligula. Um, I, uh, does he mean, he doesn't mean put out, he means he or she. I think it's a party rule, possibly. So where you smoke.

Yes, when you're having friends round. Because do do that they have a few drinks they forget damage marble oh yeah damage marble all right yeah be careful i like the fact that we're more worried about the smoking damaging the marble than the people you know the marble has no choice passive marble i mean i know it's not essentially porous, but it will take a burn. There's another one I liked, 537. You can't eat in the lounge unless you're over 18. That is a great rule. Although I think it needs a caveat.

I think it needs brackets and a responsible eater, close brackets. That is so formal. That's like saying only two school children in the lounge at any one time. Another great rule. That's been a great rule. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Ah, how marvellous. That was Joy Division. Love will tear us apart. Narn, if you lube a chick, that's what I keep. You know, we were talking about house rules earlier. We've had a text in... My gaff, my rules. Wrong show, dear.

Oh, good use of dear. Campstage manager. My dad says he once went round a managing director's house and once you took your shoes off, you were expected to put on one pair of slippers from his collection. In case you were wondering, he had plenty for each size. Well, that's nice, isn't it? Extraordinary.

Just in case you're struggling to catch your own Verrucas, go and use some shared slippers. Did he live in a bowling alley? We've also had a text from someone saying, my ex-wife used to clean the house all the way through every day even though we were both at work from 7 30 a.m until 7 p.m we didn't have any animals children i had to move the furniture including tv and fully loaded welsh dresser so she could hoover behind them every night with question marks might i had um crazy i wonder

whatever happened to her that's less of a text about the house rules and more a description of some despair there in that gentleman's life i thought there was a hint that the police should maybe do some digging in his garden that last bit was a bit ominous i wouldn't know what happened to her yeah really, God. Frank, one of my favourite stories this week... By the way, the texts are 8.12.15. Sorry, sorry, Emily. It's all right, my darling. This isn't something I ever expected to say on this show,

but one of my favourite stories of the week has been revolving around DLT. Are you familiar with his work? Is it Meat Flies? I am familiar with his work, yes. I once, I think I told this story on the show, I once went to see him live. Well, I didn't go to see him live.

Behind a keyboard? I went to a kind of a disco. Oh. And he happened to be the discotheque. I found him hateful. Anyway, let's forget that. Let's start with a clean sheet. You found him hateful,

but Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi said he was a lifeline for her while she was under house arrest for 15 years. She listened to his show every day, and she's now everyone... I mean, people are quite surprised to hear this. Yes. DLT not so.

He says he's touched but not surprised. Yes. I've always thought he might be touched. Yes. DLT not so. He says he's touched but not surprised. Yes. I've always thought he might be touched. Yeah. Well that's put me, that's the Burmese pro-democracy. Yeah. Aung San Suu Kyi. I don't know about you, that's the only put me off democracy. I think I might

move to something a bit more authoritarian if that's the kind of people they're churning out. I don't know if it makes me shallow, but when you were saying that she was under house arrest, I was thinking, did she have her shoes off or on? I suppose if you're under house arrest, you're going to work that out in full time. You'll get a heavy duty slipper.

Kick the shoes off. No cigarettes on marble floor, though. Get her feet up on her stool or something. I imagine that DLT's core audience are people under house arrest i don't i don't i think people with the option of going out into and screaming in the garden would would take that i'm being hostile but they did say in the interview what do you think of uh you know your modern radio presenters and he said i plead the fifth yes and then he said i plead the fifth amendment thinking oh the the interviewer might not have got what i meant by

that yeah thinking he might have been pleading say the fifth column which you know well to be fair when he was around it was pre-access to so much american culture so he doesn't know we're familiar we're very at ease talking about things American. I think law in America was still in its formative years. Well, that's true. Yeah, I mean, he also said, he was on about this show that doesn't exist anymore. Is this broken English by any chance?

Yes, exactly. He said, we've got letters from people all over the world written in their wonderful broken English. TLT, you are a big-hearted man. You can't say that, not anymore. No. Also, he said, I didn't know this, it said that, because I think I used to listen, you just listened to Radio 1,

that was the only one I ever listened to. It said that his catchphrase was coming at you, spelled Y-A, obviously. Obviously. Coming at you through the cornflakes. Oh, is that why he became known as the hairy cornflake? No, I think it's because he had terrible psoriasis. He had a beard and no napkin.

I don't think it's a patch on the... Yeah, if he'd have gone for that. I think he did... What was that one he did? He used to go, quack, quack. Yeah, quack, quack, quack. Yeah, if he'd have gone for that. I think he did... What was that one he did? You just go, quack, quack. Yeah, quack, quack, quack. Yeah. But I always thought she was a heroic figure.

Aung San Suu Kyi. Yeah. Or as DLT calls her, A-S-S-Y. And it actually doesn't work so good if you see it written down. But I've really gone off her now. You've gone off her? I have.

You know, she's a DLT enthusiast. I think I'd be tempted to say, come on, back in. Back in you get. Back in that house. Back in that house now. And come out again when you've learnt some sense. You've got to be firm

with these people. I've never been so disillusioned. Only one thing can lift me out of this despair. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in on 974. My house rules are had a text in on 974. My house rules are the same.

Not on 974. Oh, no, I'm sorry. No people will start texting us on 974. I meant to say from 974. I do apologise. Was it 281215? It was. Not 281215.

Here's the text, right? Pause. 8-12-15. Close brackets. This is slick. 974. This is slick. Line 7-4 from 9-7-4. My house rules the same as Catherine the Great's and include

all ranks shall be left outside the doors similarly hats and particularly swords and eat well of good things but drink with moderation. There you go. That's the sort of thing you could have. Maybe on a sampler. Our producer Emma embroidered us. Maybe on a sampler. Our producer Emma embroidered us.

Maybe you could put that on one of your... How many Blasney's houses do you need? I think she sold four in ten years. I'm trying and failing to incorporate a rule of no room-to-room shouting in my house.

Now, that is something that, even though we are quite open plan... Yes, you are. How often do I hear my girlfriend say, don't talk to me when I'm in the kitchen! Wait till I come back in there! And it's not actually a separate room. It's just like a tiny wall.

But in the kitchen, you know, there's electric kettles, there's microwaves, there's things that... They're noisy. Yeah, yeah. Then there's the fridge going... Every now and again.

The Kate Bush fridge. I love the Kate Bush fridge. Well, obviously, I'm going, fridge! So Alan was telling me he was very excited, Frank, because he considers this job

to be like a saturday job it's my first saturday job for over 20 years and it's my first nickname in adulthood the cockerel and i'm not sure how i feel about adults that give themselves nicknames or that accept other people bestowing nicknames upon them i think accepting it's all right all right i definitely think that humbly i think some people are born with nicknames some achieve nicknames and some people have nicknames thrust upon nice i i even know the reference to that as well good text in if you know no no no they're all now they're very bright crowd i'm pleased by that but yeah i feel like i've come a long way since i washed dishes in bailey's cafe in jewsbury for i think i was saying would say, I think it was £20.

But there's a bit of me that thinks it can't have been £20 back then. It must have been a tenner. Well, when was this, would you say? This would be over 20 years ago. I'm so jealous that you were able to speak so freely about dates and times. I just can't do that. I could never say over 20 years ago. If you tell us about your Saturday job, I will not be saying when was that.

I give you my word. I'll be saying, mmm. How was the Crimea? Oh, but that's a good job, though, washing dishes. It's very hot. No wonder chefs are so angry if they started in kitchens in their teens and they're still there in their 30s. No wonder they're angry, because it's a hot environment. But I did get braising steak and mashed potato for lunch and I think then I got excited of going,

wow, I'll do anything for a free lunch. I'd forgotten that braising steak existed, so that's been a lovely walk down memory lane for me. And it's nice, you know. It's like I saw today that one of the England cricketers got injured falling over a medicine ball. And I thought, was he in a 1930s boxing gymnasium with people in roll-neck sweaters? All of that stuff's coming back.

The old school training methods are coming back. Kettle bells, medicine balls, sandbags, it's all coming back. Oh, OK. Dinosaur training is the new thing. Dinosaur training? Yes. I find them obstinate in the extreme. Very difficult.

Alan's in a fight club at weekends. That's what he does on Saturdays. I am not, but that sounds like a good idea. I've got a lot of pent-up anger. Did you ever work on Saturdays, Frank? Or did you have, like, a part-time job? You know, I never... I have never, ever had a Saturday job.

Haven't you? I know there were stories about me and Frankie Sanford, but she was tying my shoelaces. No, I never have. I don't know why that was exactly. But I feel bad about it. I think it was to do with football. Oh, is that why?

Incidentally, Frankie Sanford from the Saturdays. I was in a sitcom in the um what about 1990 called blue heaven right yeah my character name was frank sanford no and i'm wondering if uh if there's a connection if she's you know if there's a you know she's a fan of blue heaven. Yeah. In the second sitcom I wrote, I was called Brady Gargoyle. I'm starting to think that these women are on to me. That's a definite pattern. Did you have fur? I did.

I worked in an antique shop, which was a front for the firm. The firm? Well, they were gangsters. They were essentially gangsters. i didn't know at the time i found out later everyone's going very silent like it's weird that's quite a big an antique shop i was suspicious because they never sold anything and they used to meet in the back room this is honestly true and they used to say there was a guy called ginger there was someone called and they used to kind of talk all the time and they'd say yeah it was anyone i asked

my mum and i said they never sell anything and they're really nice but they just kind of smoke in this little back room what a strange front there for gang yeah they used to hold up banks with muskets and my mum said oh darling they're gangsters oh i think i should have known that is uh did they pay did they pay all right all right? They did pay very well cash. Natch. Well, obviously. Natch. Yeah, natch.

Yeah. And they always said they'd look after me. They did honestly say that. Did they? Nice. Don't, just putting that out there. No, that's, yeah. Just to, just trying to stop those nasty texts coming in.

My mate had a job in a donut factory, putting the jam in donuts and they got quite expert at knowing how much they could fill a donut with jam before it exploded and then sending it out looking like a normal donut and knowing that someone would bite into it and jam would just go everywhere i've always remembered that story when he told me i thought that's a fun job i'd do that on minimum wage just for the putting jam in doughnuts fun. I did a similar thing. I used to work in a hamster blood transfusion unit.

Oh, bang. Anyway, I'd love to know. I'd love to know what Saturday jobs the listeners had. I'm not saying that they'll tell us, but I'd love to know anyway. And text us on 8-12-15 with that information. Oh, I love it when it all works out. This is old Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Kids, MGMT. Now, it's interesting because when I used to be around the Hollywood studios, I always found that the MGM tea was probably the worst. The tea at Universal, you could say exactly where you wanted it, little bit builders, it was sorted. MGM, you know, you got what you got. I certainly wouldn't be immortalising it in a band now, let's put it that way. Frank, we've had lots of Saturday jobs.

Oh, they're coming in thick and fast now, the Saturday jobs. I particularly like, let's just see, I used to sweep the forecourt of the garage at the end of the lane when I was, oh, still, hang on, there we go, when I was about 14. It took about half an hour and the owner gave me £1. He fired me when he caught me stealing pornography. Now,

two wrongs do not make a right. Now, that is right. That is right. I mean, you might think that you are the Robin Hood of the Dirty Book, but let me assure you. Hi, Frank. When I was 11, I worked in a butcher shop. Was that a text or was it suddenly completed?

The most unlikely Emily Dean story of all time. My brother worked in a butcher's shop and a popular prank there was to put a pig's tail in a cup of tea that somebody was drinking, which is horrible. They'd mistake it for... They should have gone for a cocktail. They would have thought it was a curly straw. You'd be socking the end of that tail for five minutes.

I'm not sure how many mojitos they were drinking in a Merfield butcher's shop. Can I have a pork mojito? Well, this straw... It's like... I think there's some sort of cartilage. I'm thinking pointy end, by the way. Let's keep this clean frank graham says my saturday job was in a card factory operating the shrink wrap machine i used to get other people's shoes

and handbags and put them through it harmless fun happy days harmless fun will be the judge of that. You put my Chloe through there. Goodness. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I thought that was your niece. In fact, it can't have escaped your notice. There's a festival going on this weekend, apparently. Yes, there is, I believe.

Well, actually... Well, Absolute aren't sponsoring it, then. No, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't exist. What are Absolute doing? Well, the only festivals that I really like are all sponsored by Absolute. They do ones called Hard Rock, or something? I Love White, Hard Rock Calling. Hard Rock Calling.

Easter, I think they do. They do Easter. They bring a lovely Absolute Easter egg with the purple, you know, the Absolute purple. They have the purple wrapping, and then when you break the egg open for the little children, there's an advert inside it. With a Lubachick head.

The problem with sponsoring Easter commercially is that it moves around each year. There's no fixed point. Because if you did Lubachick, you wouldn't need the egg casing. No, so true. But, Frank, I know, where do you two stand on festivals? Because I know where I stand. Sorry, did I trample on your peripatetic Easter point?

No. OK, OK. Sorry. Where do you two stand on festivals? Alan, I haven't established this. I think I'm fairly confident of where... Right at the back, generally. Not in a Winnebago. I don't like the mosher.

I'm too old for a Mosh pit. I've never been to what I believe the youth call Glastow. In fact, it annoys me when they call it Glastow now. I mean, I would have gone, perhaps when I was younger, but I haven't now, and now I've gone too far past that point. You're with child as well.

And also, I'm pregnant for listeners. I thought you just mis-bottoned his cardigan. Had a few too many rolls. Yeah, I think we've sort of gone past that now. I don't think I could do it. You're dressing Frank and I. My wife has been several times to Glastonbury and told

me a quite unpleasant story about the toilets being supposedly sucked into some lorry and then pressing blow instead of suck and just... Oh, the chaos that ensued. Oh. Yeah. I mean, I'm quite a shy toilet-er.

I don't think I could do... Are you a shy toilet-er? I don't like an audience. I don't like people talking to me. We do get... I mean, there is an audience, but they're generally watching the bands. Oh, I see.

I've entirely misunderstood. You've got completely mixed up. I don't know. I think of myself as a very open toilet-er. But I went once to Glastonbury, and I was with a guy called Chris Luby, who was a performer. Chris Luby-chick?

Yeah. Did he have a sweat man? He pwned me at the end with a Chris Lubychek? Yeah. Did he have a sweat man? He pined me at the end with a Chris Lubitschek. I might clap. So he slept in my tent, and his thing is used to the military sound effect. Oh, I've worked with him. Oh, do you know him?

Alan did a little clap. So he'd say, oh, and yes, and I saw the, here come the British british grade ear and it sounded brilliant amazing so we got him in the 10 three o'clock in the morning he starts going i said chris is that you or is there a coup d'etat and he couldn't stop we'd get in the car and he'd say right chucks away oh please please so that put me off and then the next morning i was woken up by this is very glastonbury i was woken up by white people playing bob marley very loudly when i looked at the tent flat one of them was juggling i said let's go home yeah it's the tent aspect.

It's not just that aspect, it's every aspect of it, really, that doesn't appeal to me. But as I say, Hard Rock Calling, which is sponsored by Absolute, which is on this weekend, is as good a time as one could possibly have. I mean, three hours of Bon Jovi. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you've ever had mouth ulcers, but that well sorted out.

Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some emails in during the week. Do you remember we did an impromptu text in last week about sort of left-wing communist business names? Yes.

It all come from I saw there's a left-wing bookshop in Bloomsbury in London called Bookmarks, and only this week did I realise it was a pun on marks, as in Karl Marx. And people loved that. Didn't they contribute? Oh, God, it was one of our best ever. Where they're still sending them in.

Someone in the middle of the week sent in the Eastern Blockbuster, a drapery pressing service for Iron Curtain. No, hold on. Eastern Blockbuster, that's the video shop, isn't it? Yeah, that's the video shop. That's great. Then his other idea, yeah, is Iron Curtains, drapery pressing service.

That's from Martin. I had one, it was, I've been thinking about i can't get out of my mind this is one it's not quite left wing it's more sort of uh i don't know what it is it's it's an iraqi baby products shop it's called the mother of all care you think i don't quite like it you don't get it oh well oh mother care there we go oh thanks very much oh You don't get it? I don't get it, no. It was like... Oh, well. Oh, mother can. There we go. Oh, thanks very much. Oh, you didn't get that part of it. And then there was a sort of variation. I was watching the news this week when there was the riots in Greece,

and they interviewed this bloke, very rough-looking, sort of hairy bloke, a Greek bloke, going on about... Peter Andre. About the government. Oh, he was much hairier than that. And I made myself laugh alone at home by saying, oh, I should have gone to neck shavers. Very good. Very good, Frank.

Can I read you the other email? Oh, please do. It was the best name, this is from Connor Nolan, the best name for a left-wing rugby supply store, Triangles. I was so happy when I came up with this that I felt I had to share it with you. I did this instead of revise for my A-wing rugby supply store, Triangles. I was so happy when I came up with this that I felt I had to share it with you. I did this instead of revise for my A-levels. Well, I...

Do you not get it? I don't get it. Frank, Triangles. So it's Tri, a rugby Tri. So it's Triangles, Triangles. It works on three levels, Frank. But is there something called Triangles? No, but it's a rugby supply store and it's called triangles.

I'm going to have to count it. This is so boring while I try and explain this to you. Yeah, I'm sorry. I mean, my advice is get on with your A-levels. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

James, sit down. That's the sort of Joyce Grenfell school of this jockey. We've had, I think, an amusing texting. Let the listeners decide. Set the bar high there. Off to see Bon Jovi tonight as my friend is a big fan. Feels more like a Saturday job to me. I'm pleased by that. It's good on you. Although Slippery When Wet you can't argue with. It was my

first... Lubachick. That's what I've always said. Slippery When Wet was the first album I liked all the way through. Is that right? Yeah. Congratulations on getting all the way through. Yeah, there's very few albums I like all the way through. There must be some fall ones. All of those. Well, the fall do... The fall are fall ones all of those well the fall do

the fall are often a mix of brilliance and then oh i don't know i don't know why that one's there yeah he always puts a couple of fillers on when you have that level of output well exactly yeah christian from sheffield latin american mar barbershop, Shave Guevara. Excellent. Now, Frank, you know I've been a little obsessed by this week? People in Sheffield, there's got to be a blade involved somewhere in their jokes. Oh, very good. I get that, Frank. I get that. Good. I've been quite obsessed by Michelle Collins this week.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell you why. She's pitched up on Coronation Street. Yes. I haven't watched it for a long time, but I heard that. this week oh yeah i tell you why she's pitched up on coronation street yes i i i i'm watching she was eastenders and i don't like um soap shifters as i call them don't like soap shifters okay stick to your soap is what i say but also she's a well-known a well-known cockney and now she's doing a manchester accent and it hasn't hasn't gone well for her she's doing a Manchester accent and it hasn't gone well for her. She's got the thing, though. I can see why she gets a lot of work in that

because she looks very washed out. And those are the people they want in the soaps. I think people think that's what I call acting. You're doing what the, you know... Johnny Depp, like, is a very good-looking bloke and I think he's a brilliant actor, but he'll never be taken seriously looking like that but if you look like you've been through the mill

that's what gets the awards good honour it's like when they try and make Brad Pitt look ugly, he just grows a beard and looks like a really good looking man with a beard he never really looks I find that I judge it like if I see a drama advertised on the telly

if it's got ugly people in it, I think I'm watching this. This is going to be good stuff. If they look a bit, you know, well-dressed, I think, oh, no. Anyway. But no, lots, didn't Freddie Flintoff even say her accent was bad? I've heard the accent. Have you heard it? Is he doing a TV critic column? Victor Lewis Smith.

No, I've heard the accent. It's not great. It's a bit sort of Rada Mancunian. But it's quite a hard accent, you see, that one. I can only say sunshine. That's the only word I can say in Mancunian. Sunshine. Yeah.

You know, for a moment there, I thought Liam Gallagher. Why does she have to have a Manchester accent? It's a suggestion that everyone in Manchester is from Manchester. Well, exactly. She could just be up there for the football. Yeah. Or the excellent lifestyle that it affords. I live in Manchester.

It's nice. Not everyone's from there. I'm not. Exactly. But you can have Londoners there. I don't know why she has to do the accent. But you're from near there, aren't you, Alan? Which soap are you, Emmerdale? If you had to be a soap. No, but I think you can have Londoners there. I don't know why she has to do the accent. But you're from near there, aren't you, Alan? Which soap are you, Emmerdale?

If you had to be a soap. No, but I think you can do that with people. Like, I'd be EastEnders. Would you be Emmerdale? I think you probably would be. Probably in geography, yeah. Yes. I would have grown up nearest to Emmerdale, or perhaps Heartbeat.

Oh. I think you're more like the miniseries of Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. Right, that's not one that I'm aware of. OK, well, look, I think it's the first novel I ever read. Oh, there you go. Look it up, Alan Silliter. Oh, I love Alan Silliter. But you don't know Saturday Night and Sunday Morning?

You don't have to read novels by people with the same name as you. Anyway, look, this is starting to sound like Richard and Judy's book club. Let's keep it a bit absolute radio, you know goodness i don't think i'm not worried enough by the for sale signs outside the studios without you pushing it to the limit ben jones has arrived by the way ben jones who i met in a health shop on thursday night buying you know ben jones has been doing his bodybuilding thing You know Ben Jones has been doing his bodybuilding thing? Well, I was in there.

I was getting... They do a very unusual smoothie with dates involved. And I was getting one of them. Ben now lives like a wild cat. He bought pineapple and coconut. As a drink? No, no, just as... That's his meal. You know, he's gone...

I mentioned last week he's the healthiest man absolute by a very long country mile i'll tell you that he's his body's not a temple anymore it's a cathedral by a long country mile i heard someone on the train the other day saying oh i owe you a big pint the next time i see you i'm thinking well that's surely a pint a pint is a pint oh like the idea of a big pint, no? It's like a pint delivered with bountiful attitudes. A long country mile.

Yes. I've gone off the old accent topic altogether because I read the other way, they were talking about the Midlands accent getting more popular. And this is what it said in the paper. It said the Midlands accent as used by adrian childs and kat deely and i thought if i'm not featuring in a list of celebrities who use the west midlands accent then truly my the finger of my clock is moving towards midnight let's face it i mean god they could have gone just for the third they could have gone the towards midnight. That's feisty. I mean, God,

they could have gone just for the third. They could have gone the extra long country mile. I was absolutely heartbroken. Would be too strong a word. I won't do it. Well, I'm trying to do accents. You see, I'm working on an impression of you, Alan. Oh, okay. I think we should save that for the podcast.

Shall we? Yeah. Blood could be spilt. But it is a little task for you all the weekend. Try and do an accent that's completely original. Just try and say something in an accent that doesn't exist. A new accent. I tried it. I dislocated my jaw. I was in hospital for a month.

It's impossible to do. You always do an accent. Just try it. Anyway, we can't sit here talking. That's our job. Yes, but it's Ben Jones' turn. Sorry, I forgot. Not the Weekend Podcast.

Probably featuring Emily's impression of the cockerel. Actually, you won't just be able to go... It's going to have to be an actual bit of... Talking. Yeah. That's available for download from Wednesday on the Absolute website and iTunes and, God, who knows what I've gone into areas I don't even know the answers to.

Ben Jones is next. It's always lovely doing this job, and thank you for listening. And as the computer bloke says on Tron, end of line.