The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner in Edinburgh Week 1

Episode Date: August 13, 2011

Frank Skinner is joined by Alun Cochrane and Emily Dean live in Edinburgh. They talk everyday riders, awkward kissing moments and banana holders.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean. And not only that, but after a long delay... The cockerel returneth. He's back in the barnyard, ladies and gentlemen. When you say a long delay, it sounds like I was stuck in traffic for the last two weeks and just didn't make the show. There was an element of that. It was booked holiday time, wasn't it?

Booked holiday time. Oh, he's going to be... Is there a union? Have you introduced a union to Absolute Radio? It's not a bit of an Amstrad employee. It's booked planned holiday time. So, yes, we are in Edinburgh because we like to come up for the festival

and the cockerel was already... He's our man on the ground. He's been here for a week. Yeah, I did the early recce, didn't I? You did. I like to see you as my John the Baptist. That's a reference you get and I do not, sorry. Oh, OK. Well, he preceded the Messiah, you see. Oh, did he? He did, yeah.

Well, if you're fine with that comparison... No, I can live with it, yeah. I thought that was frowned upon. Anyway, isn't it frowned upon. Anyway, isn't it frowned upon to compare yourself to the Messiah? I think you're alright on commercial radio, if I remember my catechism.

Talking about John the Baptist here on Absolute Radio. Exactly. Well, let's face it, Absolute Radio, voice in the wilderness, it fits all rather well. And I've seen Ben Jones eat a locust. What do you mean he's left? I wasn't told. Carry on, anyway.

No, I see. Protein in the locust. Yeah, it's been the wettest week I've ever spent in Edinburgh. Really, really. It's hard to overstate how rainy it has been, isn't it? Did you get rained on? Can I say that our weather is sponsored on Absolute Radio? They don't like us just doing random, unsponsored weather stuff.

That's going to cause a bit of a stir at the advertisers' meeting. I'm blurring the lines. You are. Should have gone to Specsavers. I walked with Frank through Edinburgh yesterday. We walk sometimes. And I had to hold the brolly aloft like a Magritte painting because I was worried.

I immediately felt I had to take responsibility for you, Frank. Oh, I'm not afraid. No, that was lovely. We did pass a shop that says high heels lowered. A cobbler's shop. I was disgusted. And I thought it's a bit of a walk. We could take you in there.

Apparently they won't do a kitten heel. No. Because it removes the flared section from the bottom and it's no longer a kitten heel. It's just a... It's a see-my flat. That's what it is. Who wants that?

I do want to notice, speaking of it being wet in Edinburgh, I've seen a lot of seagulls. Yeah. And I get seagulls. I live in London. I don't know if you're aware of it. It's a large conurbation in the southeast of England.

It's been in the news. I get seagulls round about my flat, and I'm thinking with seagulls, stick to the seaside, right? Unless you want to change your name, get out of town, right? They shouldn't be this far in, they're four or five miles in, get back. Unless they're going to rebrand themselves Citygulls or... Yeah, exactly. ...Landgulls.

Citygulls sounds like some terrible private railway thing. Oh, no, I don't fancy that. So we're in a lovely flat. Oh, it's lovely, Alan. The cockle has his own... He has his own... It's a roost, really. It's mainly a roost.

I've come home to roosts. Are you living alone, Alan? No, I've got a flatmate, another comic performer. Are you prepared to say that is, or is he...? Yeah, it's Steve Hall, who's doing a stand-up show here, which I attended the other day and had one of my favourite bits of Edinburgh schadenfreude about 15 minutes into his show...

He had a heart attack. No, about 15 minutes into his show... He had a heart attack. No, about 15 minutes into his show, a critic who was sitting near me, who I don't know who he was, lost his pen and then spent most of the show sort of scrabbling about, putting his hand down at floor level, trying to rummage around in the dark for this pen and couldn't find it. And I was left there thinking,

do I offer him a pen or is that like, you know, arming the enemy? If he then gives my mate a bad review or do I say look, if this is going to be four and above, you can have a pen. What stars are we looking at here? And didn't, and could have, but he spent three quarters of that show without

the equipment that he required. Well, they have like a special pen. Have you seen those critics have a pen with a little light in the end? Oh, I haven't seen that. It's just right, just coming back a bit from the actual ballpoint. Oh, no, that's nice. And it just illuminates about a square inch of page. It's marketed as an evil pen.

I was talking of evil. We saw that Kate Copstick in the street the other day as well. Extraordinary. Yeah, I thought it was a look day as well. Extraordinary. Yeah, I thought it was a lookalike. Extraordinary. I have to say, that would be poor pickings, wouldn't it, being a Kate Copstick lookalike? That'd be a long period sat by a silent telephone.

Diana works dried up. I'll get her hair dyed and have a go at the Kate Copstick lookalike work. Yeah, so she was up here. And I'll tell you something, we're in a lovely flat, but they have the biggest spoons. Oh. I had breakfast every spoon.

I could have just, I didn't bother with the bowl, if I'd realised. I could have just put porridge in the spoon. There is not a, I don't just mean a teaspoon in the house, there isn't a normal dessert spoon. I haven't noticed that. I haven't eaten yet, though, to be fair. I mean, the house is atop a beanstalk.

I don't know if that's relevant. But it is. It's the biggest spoons I personally have ever seen. It's this kind of minutiae which I think draws the audience in. Yeah, definitely. I think draw it in is the phrase. I'll drive some more. Oh, OK. in is the phrase. Oh, drive some more. Oh, okay.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. God, this is a fade and a half, isn't it? Get out. Just get out of there. That was the 80s laugh. They're into that then. It's good to be back with you editing the end of songs again. I feel like I've never been away. I should say that was the mighty war with Story of the Blues.

And we opened, by the way, with We Were Promised Jetpacks Singing Medicine, which the local Edinburgh band, I like the track. It was perfect. Nice. Looking back. I like that name, too. It's a good name. We Were the track. It was perfect. Nice. Looking back. I like their name, too. It's a good name. We were promised Jetpatch. Yeah. Yeah. Not sure. Well, no, I love it. I'm thinking of that

James Bond one, which I've spoken of, I think, before, where he... Oh, yeah. I imagined that we'd all be travelling round on those by now. And let's face it, they would have come in handy this week. Certainly make hilly Edinburgh easier. Yeah. Well, I'm glad they weren't handy this week. Certainly make hilly Edinburgh easier. Yeah, well, I'm glad they weren't around this week because I feel quite safe on the 11th floor.

There's 17 hooded youths hovering outside my balcony on jetpacks. Frank, you are... Can I say something about... You are slightly following the riots around the country, though. That is accidental, but I was in London the weekend and then went up to... As it started to... I felt it was coming down to a simmer. I then went to Birmingham for two days.

It's like those people that chase tornadoes. Yeah, he's a riot chaser. And now you're in Edinburgh, you're only going to see shows where the poster says, this show is a riot. That's the progression. I'm in Edinburgh in an effort to pre-empt.

I think this place is a tinderbox. It's a wet one. But yeah, no, it's been a strange week, and I know it's a very serious and distressing subject, but, you know, it's an old British tradition, I think, to try and smile through, as we did through World War II. Some of our listeners may remember. I remember, obviously.

Yeah, I didn't want to bring that up. You remember Enid? Enid there in Croydon. Let's hope she's still in. Anyway, so... It's been a strange week. I tell you what it's like. Have you ever seen the Purple Rose of Cairo?

I haven't. Woody Allen, Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, when they were still friends. Before the Troubles. Before the troubles. Before, yes, what I would call the dad grenade. Was thrown into the midst of a happy family. So what happened was, in that film, Purple Rose of Cairo, people are at the cinema and all of a sudden, two of the characters in this film,

this whole black-and-white film they're watching, suddenly start looking out and saying, oh, there's an audience out there, and they step out of the screen and walk into the audience, the characters from the film. It's beautifully done as well. I feel this week that has happened with the Jeremy Coyle show. But it has spilled forth out of the screen

and now that they're in our very streets, these people. Yeah. See, the nice thing about the Jeremy Kyle show, it was a sort of the peephole on the cell door. Yes. It was very contained, isn't it? They were very contained, but now they're out there and it really has been dreadful.

But one thing I've noticed is the word this week, very much in everyone's lips, has been criminality. When did that happen? That used to be crime until quite recently. Oh, I see what they've invented it almost. It's pure criminality. It's just, it's not it's pure criminality. It's crime, isn't it? What, we're going to get

people talking about the criminality of the century? Oh, I'm going to just, uh, what time is criminality watch on? It's crime. Don't make it longer to try and fill up. I blame 24-hour rolling news. Can we make the words a bit longer? For the quiet days, yeah.

There's a definite lawlessness, though, isn't there? Oh, God. And... I like the 70s use of yobbs. That's all. Yobbs. I'm happy with that, yeah. And if you wanted proof that these people will steal from their own,

Manchester, they robbed Liam Gallagher's clothes shop. That's beyond comprehension. Yeah, but that's because he's risen above the herd, and they resent that. Yeah, yeah. Did you see some pictures? There were some women pausing to try on trainers they were stealing. I like this, the wanted, the shopping experience.

Well, you don't want to go home in the wrong size shoes. Do you think they stole one of those little footstools with a mirror on the sides? Do you know the ones I mean? Well, in Birmingham, I should say, when it started in Birmingham, the first place, because I'd been watching it in London, it had been PC World, Corris and all that.

First place that went in Birmingham was McDonald's. Oh. I think they're saying, look, it's going to be a long night, lads. Let's get some fuel in. First of all. Oh, dear. It's been a terrible week. But, you know what? We can still laugh.

They can't take that away from us. I don't feel that. 1945. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just talking about the terrible week that this poor island of ours has had to suffer because of, I don't know what we'd call them, really. Troublesome people.

Take a look at that. Is it wrong that I slightly took advantage of the increased police presence and I just thought I'd wander out and check them out a little bit? Did you go and have a look? I did. Oh, no, a bit of spectator traffic. Oh, I love, I like plain clothes.

That's my fantasy. Honestly, I love it. I like the ones you think I'll put a suit on, but I'll still wear the black top Martins and a pale blue shirt with a dark blue tie like no one will notice. Come on, mate. Yeah. That's not playing clothes.

That's a halfway house. I did find, though, Frank, during the Troubles... Are we calling them the Troubles now? Well, the Irish would be very cheesed off about this. It's only fortnight. There's a definite area of confusion here. Let's call them the new Troubles, like new labour. I'm high maintenance.

I can't believe it's not Trouble, something like that. Yeah. I found, I did find, I was driven to drink, Frank. Oh, no. Well, no. So you didn't give the chauffeur the night off. Don't. I just felt I needed a little

stiffener to calm my nerves. It was a tense time. And I know you're prepared to travel for a little stiffener. Oh, Frank! Why do you think I've come up to Edinburgh? Well, exactly. So, I ventured out, Frank, because I don't keep alcohol in the house. Do you not?

It gets drunk very quickly. Yeah. But I don't keep it as a rule, so I thought I'd go out to Waitrose, get a little bottle of vodka. Okay. But then I realised I don't normally buy spirits. It's quite embarrassing. Because if you're on your own buying spirits, I mean if it's disguised… It's embarrassing to buy something from the supermarket this week. You're like, what a mog, mog you were.

Swimming against the tide. I'm sorry, I'll just get these cobwebs off the till, madam. Oh, okay. I was the only person in there, paying. Yeah. But I realised if I, if you buy one of those little bottles, that was all I wanted, but it's a bit Pete Doherty, isn't it? And then the big ones are a bit, I'm getting stuck in for the night.

Yeah, yeah. So I panicked a bit. And I did that thing that teenage boys do when they go to chemists and I bought other things to conceal my alcohol purchase. I was going to say, you spoke in a deeper voice. I used to do that at the cinema. Here's one ticket, please. When I went to what we used to call an X film in the old days.

I once bought absolutely loads of booze. This is about three years ago in a sort of a Christmas... We'd moved house and we had a wine rack for the first time built into the kitchen. It had 36 gaps and the only time it was ever full. I did a huge booze shop but I took my little boy, who at the time was about 11 months or something, and filled a whole trolley with booze. It looked terrible. It looked like Nicholas Cajun leaving Las Vegas, you know, at the start when he fills it up. And I got to the till and I had just booze and two big bags of crisps.

And did you have him in that little seat? Yeah, in the little seat. It looked really bad. And the woman went, are you having a party? And I went, no. It just looked really bad. Just staying in? Yeah, yeah.

I'm babysitting. It's just Saturday morning, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, dear. I was at the test match this week, because life goes on. And I was sitting next to these two very lovely ladies from Marlow. And I said, you know, everyone was saying, it's been terrible, hasn't it, with the riots.

It has been terrible. And she said, yes, she said, and the thing that stopped me more than anything, she said, that woman who jumped out the burning building, however she stopped her skirt from going up, I'll never know. She said, I always wear an A-line. She said, I couldn't have jumped, I'd have had to have perished. Really?

Yeah. And she did it great, because that'll be the photo of the year, that photo of a woman leaping. You might not have seen this, Ali, because you've been in Edinburgh. The world doesn't really seep in from outside. It's a fabulous, I mean, it's a terrible picture but a fabulous picture. Right. And it's a woman leaping out of Fiery Building

into the arms of rescuers you know so it's a sort of sign of hope of optimism. Particularly if they were plainclothes officers Yes, yes but luckily I think, I mean she said it was an A-line, for me it was a pencil. It's in silhouette but it doesn't go off at all. Yeah it's pencil fine Because you don't want. For me, it was a pencil. It's in silhouette, but it doesn't go up at all.

Because you don't want to be on... It was a beautiful piece of photography. I was moved. The Guardian. I'll tell you something else. If I was going to nick something from a shop, I wouldn't go for a plasma. Would you? They're an uncomfortable thing to carry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You want the small, don't you?

Yeah. I don't know about you, because sometimes I buy a big thing from a shop, and if I'm carrying it, I'll go 50 yards and think, well, maybe I'll dump it. Do I really want this? It's too big to carry. Just abandon it. I wonder if they ironically went to the self-checkout on their way out of the places they were looting from. I did see a Gregg's on fire and thought,

would that cook the uncooked stuff on the way? A Greg's on fire, that's a terrible image to leave. Let us point out again, it has been a terrible week and we've all been upset by it, but you've got to keep smiling. That's the thing, I think. Do you agree with that? What do you mean? What's that throat cutting? Oh, go on. We're moving on.

OK. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Harry, we've had some texts in on 8.12.15. Thank goodness for that. I still don't think they weren't reaching Scotland. I imagine a man on a horse going up a dirt track with some text messages. This is from Keith. Not our Keith, just a regular Keith.

Our Keith wouldn't be up this early. He's not up this early. No, he's still up. Hi, Team Frank. Loving your radioality. Oh, a little call back there. Yes, on criminality. Excellent.

I like radioality. That's not bad, is it? I like it. Not bad. Somebody else has texted in with them. How nice that you were at the test match while the rest of the country were at the ashes. There you go. I see.

See what they've done? Yeah. It's good. 546, I never thought Emily would admit to liking something plain. What did you, oh, plain clothes, please? Yeah. Oh, well, we're off. They're in, they're flooding in. They've woken up, and that's my, our marvellous listeners.

I feel that we're slightly further away from them, even though in a way we're obviously closer to some of them. Because we have a lot in the Nordic areas, I believe. I believe that's true. So Frank, on the journey up here to Edinburgh, we didn't travel, we are

living together I should say, but we didn't travel up together. I love the fact that we're sharing a flat, though. I love it as well. Can I tell you, by the way, very kindly, Emily arrived before me and she allowed me to have the bedroom with the en suite. Nice. And so last night, I thought, that's lovely because I'm feeling a bit,

how can I put it, a bit curdley around the stomach area. I'll be glad it's on privacy. Oh, God. So I went into the, and I went to the en suite. I'll be glad it's on privacy. Oh, God. So I went into the... And I went to the en-suite. I can never unknow this now. No. I reached for the door handle

and it wasn't there. I thought it must be a slider, you know. And I looked for that. There's no door. There's no door on the en-suite. Oh. It's more like an architrave. No, it...

I mean, it's, you know... I'm in a tiny annex of the bedroom, basically. And the trouble is, you're looking out at the bedroom. Right. And I didn't feel, it felt like I was in the bedroom still. Yeah, yeah. I don't know about you, but when I'm on the toilet,

I don't want to be seeing soft furnishings. Awesome. I just want, I want tiles and enamel. I want anything that can be wiped easily with a J-cloth. I don't want to see anything that anything would soak into in my line of vision. You wouldn't have fared well in Hampton Court back in the day. Frank... I've often thought that.

Also, I wouldn't like that. Being Catholic wouldn't have helped. I'd have been on fire then. Surely after you've... Oh, you didn't start it, you youth. Surely after you've been into your en-suite toilet for a bit, surely that then prohibits you sort of lying on the bed with a paperback and enjoying a bit of time, because it's all open plan.

I know what you're getting at. Oh, I don't like the idea of that. What it does, it's one of these... Can I register my disapproval? It's one of these toilets that when you put the light on in there, it goes... Like there was an aeroplane landing. I thought you were making a coffee last night.

When you put the light on in the toilet, the fan comes on. And then when you switch the light off, the fan thinks, oh, hold on, you put the light off, but I've got another couple of minutes in me, yeah? And I don't like a roar in darkness. No. He's already got the coasters out.

First thing he said, it's not even his property. Where are the coasters? If someone had run into your flat during those riots, you'd have insisted they used coasters. Oh, definitely. The obsession. If you're going to put that hammer down, put it on a coaster.

A hammer coaster. Oh, a terrible roar in the dark. Remind me of when I went camping in Kenya. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There was a lot of screaming there from the cranberries. And from me. Sounds like she needs a bit of cranberry juice, if you receive my meaning. Anyway, you were on a train, if I remember right.

So I'm on the train, Frank. Picture it, if you will. I've got all my bits laid out. I can't just get on a train, Alan. I can't just get on the train. No. I've got tube socks for when I get to Newcastle and it gets a bit nippy.

I actually have my hand poised over them for when we approach Newcastle, because I know it's going to be cold. I have a cashmere wrap. Again, Newcastle, because I know it's going to be cold. I have a cashmere wrap. Again, Newcastle. Have to put it on there. I have sweets. I have two sets of glasses, Paul Smith spectacles,

and a pair of Ray-Bans, if the sun comes in. You're burning Ray-Bans, I wouldn't have thought this week. No. Kindle, iPod. I mean, there's all sorts. Magazines, some ladies' ones, some sort of an intelligent life and a spectator to confuse people. So I realised, basically, Frank, I have riders. When I do anything in life, I have to have all this stuff or I'm miserable. I should explain that a rider is something that you have, a performer usually has on their contract of little extras that they want.

Mine used to say one pair of black ankle socks and a local postcard, stamped. Did it really? Yeah, so then I always had plenty of socks on tour. And also, I could always send postcards from home, which is lovely. Is that true? You had socks on your ride? Absolutely true. I'd heard, I think I'd heard that Lenny Henry

did his tour shows in brand new socks every time and I didn't quite believe it, but I can totally believe that it would... I wouldn't class it as one of the great extravagances. I like the idea of somebody else having to go to the trouble to provide your socks. That's a great idea. Sometimes they'd give me a three-pack on asphalt.

Oh, fantastic. Fantastic. Two pairs of bonus. Yeah, it was all very handy when you two were in. No, it was all very handy when you're touring. Yes, I once found the kinks were touring at the same time as me. They're obviously, you know, they're older

gentlemen now. And they left their rider in the dressing room and it included oxygen. So, you know, you can laugh at my socks, but I'm not that bad off. I see. But you see, what I'm saying there, Frank,, you can laugh at my socks, but I'm not that bad. I see. But you see, what I'm saying there, Frank, is you're a performer, but really, I have riders for my life, for every day.

I can't go to the cinema without all sorts of things. Oh, what do you take to the cinema? Well, I have to have the socks again because of the ferocious air con. Oh, they do go cold in cinemas. Yeah, and a wrap, and then all sorts of drinks in case I get thirsty. Oh, I believe they sell drinks. Oh, I know, but I don't trust theirs. I want my own. And they're prohibitively expensive.

I'll tell you what I'd like to. I'd hate to take my own drink, though, and it went through the hole. You know that little hole, the holder at the side of the seat? Oh, yeah, yeah. You don't want one that goes straight through. Although some of them now have got a basket. They're more versatile than they used to be. Tell you what, I now rarely watch a film in the cinema

without a cup of coffee at the beginning. Really? I always have a coffee when I go to the cinema. That's a very pessimistic approach to any film. Keep you awake. Yeah, absolutely. What I'm going to start doing with the cinema is having my hair vigorously back-combed into an afro before going. Then I'm going to clip

it in and then the next time somebody sits behind me just talking, I'm going to take the clips out and instantly bloom into a massive dandelion head so they can't see the film and see what they feel about having their evening ruined. Anyway,

if there's anything that you always need to carry with you in your daily life, something that's always in your pocket or your bag, you wouldn't travel anywhere without it, no matter how unusual, why don't you let us know on 8-12-15? What are we doing? Sitting here talking to ourselves? I say, what are we doing? Sitting here talking

to ourselves? Okay. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are, um, I nearly said we are Absolute Radio. What am I, out of my mind? I've been drinking out the Absolute Mug. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean.

I'm with, um, Alan Cochran. And we're in Edinburgh this weekend. Old Reekie. How dare you? That's what it's called. Frank, we were talking earlier about riders. We were. I think I explained that they are little extras that you have on your contract.

But you're saying it's things that you have to carry with you at all times. I'm saying in my life. And I thought I was just incredibly high maintenance, which obviously I am, but it turns out some of our listeners also carry stuff around with them. Have we received texts on this subject? We have. On 8-12-15?

087, I always carry a pair of disposable scissors, a selection of dressings in various sizes, depending on wound size, plus an A to Z. Everyone laughs until they have occasion to need my stuff. I'm a nurse. I like her for that. I don't know. I didn't even know there was such a thing as disposable scissors.

No. What a strange... Or maybe it's a hygiene thing in case you're using them for a wound. What are they made of, though, I wonder? You don't use scissors for a wound, do you? For the chopping of the plasters, I think. Oh, I see. Or the gauze.

I'm guessing. This is getting good. I'm guessing. We've got gauze, we've got plasters, we've got pig iron! We've got all pig iron! I haven't done that for a long time. It says on the wall, it's got instructions. We're in the studios of 4th One here in Edinburgh.

It used to be 4th FM, I think, in the old days. And it's got instructions written on a whiteboard. One of them, it says, one great song after another. Well, that could catch on in radio. It could. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. Anyway, sorry. We'll never stop hearing Adele. There's another medical one.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I carry almost a full medicine cabinet with all types of pills and plasters with me. I'd always have to have a snack in case I get hungry. I like the idea of saying, in case I get hungry, I'm not a compulsive snacker, I want you to know. So that's a good everyday rider, Kelly from Leicester. I always have to have some snack.

I like a pot of nuts in my backpack. Oh, do you, Alan? Yeah, a pot, a little Leicester. I always have to have some snack. I like a pot of nuts in my backpack. Oh, do you, Alan? Yeah. A pot. A little tupperware. I could show you it, but it won't work. It won't work on radio. I suppose you could rattle it. I could rattle it later. I mean, I don't know if it's worth the bother. It's not. Imagine if the top came off.

If we got salt in the controls. Oh, there's not a lot of salt in it. Oh, goodness. You see, comics often have books. You have, Frank has a controls. Oh, there's not enough salted. Oh, goodness. You see, comics often have books. You have, Frank has a notebook. Well, I say notebook. It's actually a 2004 Let's Diary that he uses as a notebook. Is that right?

Yeah. Do you remember Let's Diary? It's one of the less known David Bowie tracks. Let's Diary, and then it's the sound of a pen scratching across a vellum page. Yeah, I enjoyed it. I'll tell you what I always do carry, and I think they're dying out a bit now.

I remember when I first moved in with a lady, we weren't married, I'll be honest with you, and my dad, he didn't disapprove of that. He didn't, sorry, he didn't approve of that sort of living over the brush. So it was never acknowledged at home. And then one day, we were leaving, and he took her to one side, and I thought, oh, no, it's going to be some terrible stuff about diseases. And he said to her, just one thing,

never let him leave the house without a clean handkerchief. Oh, did he? And, you know, I never have since. Well, they haven't always been clean, but I always have a handkerchief. My motto is just stop at the first bit and never let them leave the house. Yeah, I never go anywhere without a handkerchief. And nowadays, they seem to have become redundant.

I mean, when you've got a hole in your pocket, what do you tie your change in the corner off? You can't do it with a tissue. And when a lady's crying. And when a lady's crying. Sorry. And when a lady's crying as well, I quite like it. It's quite chivalrous when you're upset and a man lends you a hanky. Yes, but often the hanky, I've had it in a couple of weeks. I don't want to scratch it to pieces.

But it's lovely to be able to offer an ironed one. One that's in a little square. It's beautiful. I've got some real classics. I've got some of those with the initial in the corner. You haven't. The embroidered F. I love that.

But it's true, I would never leave without one of those. It's almost one of the sadnesses of adult life is that you leave the house always with something. The minimum I ever leave with is phone wallet keys. Oh, yeah, I always check phone wallet keys. The big three, phone wallet keys. Yeah, the big three. Not my big three, I have to say.

When I was a child... Mascara features in mine. You just run out and play, didn't you? You just ran out and play with nothing. You never went out and thought, phone wallet keys. It's probably an indication of being a grown-up, is that you never leave the house with absolutely nothing in your pocket. But that's not true of children now, I'm sure.

No, well, they would be out there with their BlackBerry. Well, they need a BlackBerry for riot organisation. Their spreadsheet for what yield they've already got and what they're stockpiling in certain garages. You can't leave these things to chance. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That was the four with Totally Wired.

It's a four classic. Trust me. We've had somebody text in to tell us one of their everyday riders, and she's put, Hi, Frank. Every morning I go out with my banana holder and a banana for breakfast. Are you aware of the banana holder?

My wife has one of these. Was he the lead singer with Slade? It's not his brother. Okay. His African cousin. Do they grow them in Africa, bananas? Have I got that right? I would imagine so, darling, yes.

I think it might be the Caribbean. Oh. Anyway, carry on. Would you call it the Caribbean? You know, I've embraced the Caribbean instead of Caribbean. I don't know why. Yeah, I suppose Caribbean, it sounds a bit like carabiner, you know, like climbers.

I try not to say any words that's got the word beer in it. Oh. Well, I do love a spare rib. Oh, you do? Oh, God, I do. Carry on, anyway. What was the spare rib? I don't...

John Caribbean from Carribean. Oh, got you. I know. Sorry, we're getting into... Do tell me about your wife's banana holder. Uh, yeah, yes. I often use that as an opening gambit in conversations. Dinner party conversation and chit-chat.

It's a plastic... Sorry, I've just realised the implications of the question. Let's move on. It's a plastic thing that you basically rest a banana into and then you shut it to protect the banana.

And it's banana shaped? Yes, it's banana shaped and yellow should you be struggling to wonder what it's for. Does it have the end stalk? No. Oh. That just wiggles free. It fits most EU-sized bananas in there.

I've never seen that. It's utterly ridiculous. I bet you get it in the back of one of those, you know those little catalogues you get in Sunday supplements? Oh, yeah, yeah. I find it astonishing, the level of arrogance of those, you know, those little catalogues you get in the Sunday supplements. Oh, yeah, yeah. I find it astonishing, the level of arrogance of the human being that they protect the fruit that is naturally protected.

You know, we need a peach protector, not the banana guard, don't we? It's ridiculous. But there is, they are prone to bruising, though, bananas. Be fair. That's what she says. Oh, it turns black in my bag. Well, they'll always turn black.

You don't have to bruise them for that. They will go black eventually. I know I've got three or four in the fruit bowl. I'd favour the bruise over the humiliation of producing the guard, to be honest. It looks like Darth Vader's discarded a glove in my fruit bowl. Frank, you may be converting the nation after all. This isn't my opinion.

Who is this, the Pope? This is 956. This is really the fall track. My four-year-old daughter Rowan is dancing while eating her breakfast and announcing, I like this song. What about that? That's great. Sounds like she's doing too much though. Too many things.

Dancing, eating breakfast and saying, I like this song. I'm worried, you know. She's multitasking. I'm worried about her dancing and eating. That's going to lead to indigestion in later life. But most fall fans have that already. If not IBS or something. Yeah, they've got that.

You know, bald men in leather jackets. They can have indigestion, let's face it. I've had a couple of moments this week where I've noticed high-level irritability. A couple of grumpy sentences. I was watching the news and the... In yourself, we're talking about. No, not in me. Oh, OK.

In people. I was watching the news and it was obviously when the news was quite sort of fast-moving and I was on, on like News 24 or whatever and they said, oh, we're going to go to the weather now. Let's go over and see what the weather's going to be like, if it's going to change for us. And the weatherman went, well, it depends where you live, Fiona. And I thought, ooh, tetchy.

It's a good point. Has Fiona nicked your biro or something? What's your problem? And then, near enough the same minute, the door buzzer went, and I had ordered some shoes online to my Edinburgh flat. Hold on.

Extraordinary detail. Yeah. You have shoes delivered? Yes, I like to get... Is that Little Lord Fauntleroy? I'll be honest, I got them from a well-known high street retailer that often does children's footwear.

Oh, yes, I know where you're working. Yeah, they arrived. Sort of a desert boot style. I'm sporting them today, we can look at them after. They weren't delivered by the shop? Yeah. Yeah, free delivery as well. I'm not here to advertise.

I suppose you go and get a fitting for your pizzas, do you? Yeah. Well, I know what size I take. I know what size I take. Oh, that's lovely. So they turned up. I don't want to use brand names, but were they of the desert variety?

They were an original version of them. Not a desert boot, but yes, that ilk. They're definitely in that part of the Venn diagram, shall we say. And that man walked up the stairs. You're associated with the arid region. The man walked up the stairs, holding them, clearly a box of shoes with the plastic carrier bag on it

saying what shop they're from. And as he walked up the stairs, to sort of kill a bit of time, I went, oh, my shoes are here. And he got to the front door and went, I don't know, it's just a box to me, pal. I went, all right, just following orders. And what do you say? Oh, sorry, well, I was a bit more excited about my shoes than you were. That's why you got sacked from that

job at The Undertaker's. High-level grumpiness, though, innit? That'll be my grandfather. That's just a box to me, mate. Awful. How was my Scottish accent come in? That was quite good, I thought. That's an engineer reaching for some sort of... knobbly sort of walking stick. I believe that's the technical term. LAUGHTER This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tiddle-tong-tong-tong-tiddle.

That was Elbow with one of their songs. You're a big Elbow fan, aren't you? I am. AC? Yep. That's what you? I am. AC? Yep. AC, that's what you call the AC. Oh, don't.

That's gonna cause all sorts of problems. I think we'll stick with the cockerel. Yeah, I think you're right. Mm. Uh, by the way, we went to, we went to see the cockerel last night. Yeah. I used too modest to say, but he's, he's currently playing at the stand in Edinburgh, and we went, it was packed.

It was. Packed to the rafters. I got off the train yesterday afternoon at twenty past three, I think. I was already in a show at quarter to four. I went to see a double act called Totally Tom. Do you know them? Don't know them. They were fabulous, and I thought, oh, I've peaked early.

You know, it's not going to get any better than this, but the cock crawl. He did crow! Oh, and we all... Is it barnyard or farmyard? Oh, Cockcrawl's barnyard. Is it two different areas, the barnyard and the farmyard? I don't know. I like to think of barnyard as a bit more Wyoming. Is there anyone here who does farming real estate?

Can you text us in on that? I think we all know it's not for me to say. It would be terrible for me to state which I am. But anyway, I think it's fair to say you ripped it to bits, didn't you? It was nice. I liked it. I felt a bit tense that you were all in for the first time. Oh, did you see us,

Alan? I want to know about us a bit more. I only... I was sat in the front row reading newspapers for most of it. There was a show the other day where a man started looking through the brochure while I was on stage. And I said, you know, that could make an act paranoid if you start flicking through. I think he was probably worrying about missing his next thing. Because he probably thought, I'm going to need half an hour to get my breath back. I've laughed so much at this bit.

That's maybe what it was. That's what I like to think. I had a bit of an awkward moment with Alan, though. You probably didn't think it was awkward. But when we arrived, it was afterwards, actually, when we went for drinks, and I went to say congratulations, and I went to hug you,

and I realised I've never had to greet you before, because it's normally in the morning, so I didn't know what to do, So I went for a kiss and a hug. Oh dear. Yeah. And I felt a bit of tension. It's a bit of a time with a cockerel. I know. They don't have to be handled.

You see those ones that the French football fans hold, they look, they look uncomfortable. I don't know if you've ever seen a cockerel look uncomfortable. It's me. Did you, but can you be honest, Alan? Did you think I was over the top? I thought you were going in for a kiss and then it became a cuddle. It was a weird hug thing.

And I thought, well, maybe she just greets people with cuddles. Frank, I do. It's a hug and kiss. I did it with Phil Jupitus and it passed by unmentioned. And I actually assumed because you work in fashion and show business,

I thought, oh, she'll probably just go both cheeks. The number of times I end up saying to people, because I've assumed it was one cheek, and then gone, oh, show business, both cheeks, of course. I think Keith Harris used to greet people with cuddles. I didn't like that either. He was inclined to pinch. He'd had a couple of drinks.

You see, Frank, there is actually, there's in Germany, you know, at the moment, they're talking about having a kissing ban that work colleagues. There's a society in Germany. I wish you'd told me this 24 hours ago. That's all I can say. They're saying people in the workplace, we have to protect people who don't want to be kissed. Well, here's the story. We're all sharing a flat at the moment.

And last night it was me and Emily. Alan has his own, he's made his own arrangements. He has a small fence over at the end of the barnyard. And Liesl, our producer, is staying with us. You'll all know Liesl from the past. We've talked about, you know, named after the character from The Sound of Music, etc., etc. Anyway, I was off to bed, because I go to bed early in the night before the radio shows. I like to be up and, you know, I like to be bouncing in the morning. I model

a lot of my career on Tigger, the well-known cartoon character. And the wonderful thing about Tigger is that, anyway, so, um, um, they're bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, they're bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. Or is that the police? I can't remember. Anyway, so I was going to bed, and Emily said, oh, you haven't even said goodnight. So I went back in. Oh, I've known Emily for how long, Gem?

About 16 years. Yeah, a long time. So I kissed her goodnight. And then Lisa, who I don't know that well, we've only known about, what, six weeks? Have we known each other? And, you know, we don't know that well. We've only known about, what, six weeks? Have we known each other? And, you know, we haven't had any intimate

conversations. I, um... It's early yet. So, I thought, well, I can't leave her sitting over there, you know, as if I can't bear to go near her. So I went and I thought a kiss on the cheek, you know, and a good night. Now, it could have been the

shock, but to me, to me, she went for the mouth. I was... Oh, dear. Oh, well. I, honestly, I relied, like the old Pakistani fast bowlers, I went for late swing. And it reminded me once, I was on an aeroplane,

I think it was Air Italia, and we were coming into land, and it was coming and coming, and at the last minute they accelerated and went back up again, and I managed to avoid the runway. But it was, and I'm sure it was an accident,

but I don't know if you've ever slept with a chest that draws against the inside of your bedroom door. Makes you feel quite secure. She did go in for the kill. I witnessed it. God bless her, I think it was an accident. She did go in for the kill. I witnessed it. God bless her. I think it was an accident.

Am I right, Liesl? Yeah. Yeah. I won't try it again. Let's put it that way. And then I said, I'm playing this track tomorrow. Do you want to have a listen to it?

And we got the sound system working and we put it on. And there's something wrong with the volume on the sound system. It was so loud, the track. So, I mean, it was unbelievable. So I switched it off immediately

and Liesl said, oh, I'll, because, you know, producer, I'll fix this. Oh, I'll, so she put it on again and honestly,

it was on, it was like being next to an aeroplane propeller. It was really loud. I cried. And she said, no, if you turn it a bit, this last again,

please turn it off. Turn it off, I'm so anxious, I can't breathe. And I thought the neighbours will be up and all. Anyway, she turned it off and a car alarm was going off outside. As a direct result. That's how loud it was. I want to play that track now.

And I want you to imagine this at about four million decibels. It doesn't really fit. You said I'd find my own piece of mind. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, goodness. That wasn't me, by the way. That's part next radio. Oh, goodness.

That wasn't me, by the way. That's part of the... Don't start blaming me for the... at the end. That was... That was Warehouse Republic with Not Today. Feel free to text in if there's car alarms going off where you are. Yeah.

That was awkward last night, Frank. Oh. What, the kiss? Yeah. It was... I'm sure it was an accident. She wouldn't... She's engaged. She's here.

Stop laughing. Oh, sorry, I forgot she was here. Oh, it's been nice. It's a difficult thing, though, kissing. I can see why the Germans... Yeah, I think it might be quite a positive initiative from the Germans here. I mean, Lisa is not the first opportunist I've come across in these matters.

I got kissed... I better not give too much detail, or she might be able to identify herself. But a friend of a friend, it was a woman probably in her... maybe late 50s, early 60s, possibly. I know who it is. And she...

She... I kissed her at some... I think it was a Yuletide event, and she kissed me full. I mean who it is. And she, she, I kissed at some, I think it was a Yuletide event, and she kissed me full, I mean full on the lips. And I felt, I felt a hint of probing. It might, I mean, it might not have been a tongue.

For sure, huh? I think it was a skull bandit. If you know what one of those are, congratulations, by the way. Anyway, I was so horrified, would be an exaggeration, appalled, I'd settle for, that I didn't completely un-pocker my mouth. I kept my lips sort of hanging out after the kiss so that I could get to the bathroom and rinse them

before they folded in on themselves and spread the saliva into my inner regions. Was it Kate Copstick? It wasn't Kate Copstick. Do you know, Frank, it happened to me once with Andrew Neil. Right on the nose, I kissed him. You know what?

Oh, really? You kissed him on the nose? He went for the cheek. Well, I went for the cheek. I don't know what he was going for. No. But anyway, I ended up on the nose. I think I'd snog Kate Cobb

stick till the cows came home. And then the cows would say, how come you didn't come out with the rest of us today? Poor Kate Cobb. I say poor Kate because she's horrible to comedians

and we have to defend, you know, we have to defend ourselves. Yeah, that badger hair. I've heard that. Sorry, what were you saying?

I'll tell you what I also, I tend to do... I don't tend to kiss people unless I know them very well. Last night was an aberration. Not my rule. I'll go for a hog. What I'll do is I'll hog and I'll go... With a man hog, I'm fine.

But I'm fine with a woman hog. I hog at quite an angle. I hear you. I hog at about 90 hog, I hog at quite an angle. I hear you. I hog at about 90 degrees, I would say, because I'm like a lean-to. Right. Because I only want the head and shoulders to touch, because I think you get some men, and there's this... I don't want any woman to think that I'm wearing a plasticine chest plate

and I'm trying to take an imprint. Yeah. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. There you go, those mainstays of reality television.

Happy Mondays. It's true, isn't it? Frank, Gavin and Cheltenham was texted in. Good old Cheltenham. Talking about kissing, the first time I met my mother-in-law we ended up kissing on the lips. I think it was that confusion when you first go to kiss and you're not sure which cheek to go for first.

I think it is. I hope it was. When I used to have both cheeks, I had a sense of people recoiling from the feeling of my hairy ears against the sides of their head. Well, I'm quite a frequent cheekbone clasher.

Do you ever have that? It's your Nordic cheekbones. Oh, it's your monk scream. You could open an envelope with your cheekbones. I could open an envelope. I'd almost find working in fashion, I'd call them killer. I'd say they qualified as killer.

I do leave a trail of bodies in my work. You're sitting above... There's a... Basically, studio here at Fourth Radio in Edinburgh. There's a bare light bulb, which we're all centred around, and it's given you a Marlena Dietrich look.

I insist on it. It's my rider. It's absolutely lovely. I, um... There's a man came up to me last night. I was, uh... Actually, it was Liesel who spotted this, because it happens to me so often I don't even notice.

I was standing talking to the cockerel, and after his gig, he was, you know, he was basking. Basking in the glory of it. And a guy walked past me, pointed at me, and went, Frank Skinner! And then walked on. I shouldn't have worn that

do-you-know-who-I-am t-shirt. But I get it a lot and I tell you what it reminds me of, this is probably way before your time, there used to be a thing they used to do in the tabloid newspapers that in the summer, they would send a man called Mr X

to various seaside resorts. His picture would be in the summer, they would send a man called Mr. X to various seaside resorts. His picture would be in the paper, right? So if you had the Daily Mirror with you, you'd recognise Mr. X. You'd go up to him, show him your copy of the Daily Mirror, and he had to give you five pounds. But the thing was, I think he only had the one five pounds. I mean, it's not safe to walk around a lot of seaside with a wad. So if you caught him early, that was a day off for him.

And I bet he'd say to a mate, you couldn't catch me by the West Peak, could you? About ten, I'm exhausted. Walking around looking, keeping a low profile, as I believe the entrepac of Notre Dame used to say. Frank, I'd just like to let everyone know that the banana holders are available in branches of Lakeland. Thank you, 340.

That's tremendous news. We've got a lot of response about how to get a banana guard. No, I could do it one night. In auction, I've just bought Napoleon's mummified organ. And I'm looking for something for safekeeping purposes. And I was going to re-glue a walnut, but I'm thinking it was the arsenic in the wallpaper. It's caused some terrible shrinkage.

Oh, yes. The Iron Duke knew what he was doing. I'll tell you something. Before we... By the way, I must say, was I supposed to bring my own shampoo? Oh. Because I got up this morning...

Liesl. Yes. I don't think Liesl needs a shampoo. If it is, tell me which shampoo you use and I'll have them closed down. I should say Liesl has got it. Actually, I love your hair. It's naturally curly, isn't it? It's a fine head of hair.

And a lot of people... Fine head of hair. I don't like... But, you know, there's this thing now... Actually, it's probably just on the way out. Of girls having their hair completely straightened, I think, looks a bit common. Hmm. Whereas Liesl... Oh, dear.

Liesl, like, you know, she's got... Today, she's got that sort of huckleberry fin look. It's certainly Peter the Wild. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. But, no, I feel I'm trying to claw it back because I think Lisa was a bit upset about the suggestion that she tried to kiss me last night. I think she's upset about the suggestion

that she tried to kiss you and doesn't wash her own hair. Yeah. It's quite the double whammy. Well, I believe Sting said that if you don't wash your hair for two weeks, it starts to wash itself. Yeah. I don't want to impose that on my hair. I'm going to push my hair to the extreme where it's having to wash itself.

You know what I mean? It's not some sort of servant. It's my hair. It's job is his show. It's not used to that kind of domestic work. Also, it wouldn't work. Who are you going to phone and say, my hair's finally started washing itself?

And, of course, you'll have no friends by that stage. I still have pig pens on the phone. I'm not answering. I'm wittering on now, if you guess so. I'm trying to see what time it is. It's ten to one. So we've slightly overwrought. That's about it.

I'm sort of a little chaotic this way, but I enjoyed it. But I must say, I'm easily pleased. I look forward to please download Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday morning when it will be available. And... End of line this is

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio