The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner in Edinburgh Week 3

Episode Date: August 31, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun are back from Edinburgh and chat about acronyms, pocket brass and seat stress. They'll be live on Absolute Radio this Saturday from 8am.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner.

It is the Not The Weekend podcast and I am in residence with Emily Dean and of course Alan Cochran. And we're sitting in the co's little studio. We're just looking at each other and I like it. It's one of my favourite times of the whole week. This is what I imagine it was like for one of my favourite times of the whole week. This is what I imagine it was like for Terry Waite and John and all those. Oh, dear. That's probably a bit less fun. But after a bit, you come up with a few, you know, games and stuff like that, I imagine. Well, that's what's worrying me.

Yeah. What's my role in these? Didn't do a lot of podcasts, did they? They didn't. No, they were hostages. I'm not sure the technology existed then And also they were a bit far from the mic Because they were Chained to the radio

So it's not like that But anyway Let's just start by saying I'm glad they got out and everything was alright And they've written their books They've exploited it. Why shouldn't we? Exploited it?

So anyway... As opposed to retold. Yeah, exactly. Retold. They could have retold it and given it away free. Ancient Mariner style. What's wrong with that? I think, you know, every cloud, that's the way they saw it,

and that's fair enough. So we're... The Edinburgh Fest. I'm so glad you weren't there to greet them when they came out and you went, oh, well, every cloud. A firm handshake and just a whisper, there's a book in this. Anyway, that's the topical stuff out the way. Eight years ago or something.

Yeah. And, yes, so Edinburgh is now a tiny dot in the rear-view mirror of this show. But I did have an incident. Oh, God. First of all, I had a very nice incident. I was leaving... Oh, God.

I was leaving Dave Gorman. Now, Dave Gorman is, of course, our absolute colleague. His show was absolutely top-notch. Oh, brilliant. Yeah, when it comes to London, I'd very much recommend people to go and see it. But anyway, and I'm not just saying that because it was great. But as I was leaving, a lady said to me, oh, she said, I'm so glad I've met you, she said, because I went through a bit of a difficult time in my life. And she said, luckily, what she actually said was I had 150 iPods. And I thought, right, what she actually said was, I had 150 iPods.

And I thought, right, what are you? Some sort of, do you work for the black market? And she meant podcasts. And she'd listened to these. I don't know what the tough time was. I didn't pry. But it was a very nice thing to say. And she said, I associate your voice very much with comfort comfort i'm assuming she didn't mean the fabric conditioner um that's not something a lot of

women have said to you in the past no exactly a lot of them associate me with torment but no so it's a very nice it's a really nice lovely and uh you know it's one of those things that make it all worthwhile however the next show I went to I there was a lady sitting and some people when they sit in a crowd and they're on their own they won't sit next to anyone even though it's clearly a sold out show

they have to have a seat at either side of them and then people come and if they have to move up in the end just sit next to them and barge up barge up so anyway so this woman was sitting there it's attractive woman probably mid-30s so i thought well i'll see i hate her already yeah so i sat next to her she moved oh one now i took that that's an insult isn't it yeah oh anyone from behind would have thought maybe i'd used her somehow to support myself as I sat down, you know what I mean?

And I thought, now I'm the one who's sitting with an empty seat either side of me. So everyone was thinking I was that fool. People were thinking you're not a bodger, but you are a bodger. I bodge up, yeah. How do you say bodge? Didn't you always used to say that?

No. Oh, OK. Like in the school dinner queue, you go, bodge up, yeah. How do you say bodge? Didn't you always used to say that? No. Oh, OK. Like in the school dinner queue, you go, bodge up. No, you say, would you please move? Or if you want to sit on a sofa and someone's a bit near, you say bodge up to give yourself... Oh, bodge. I say budge.

You say I say bodge. I'd say bodge or budge. There you go. I'd vary it. Anyway, so then some other people started arriving. And, of course, I was the awkward one sitting in the wrong thing. And I thought, I can't move up and sit next to this woman now. She'll feel that she's being pursued along the row.

It's some kind of weird seating. So this couple arrived. And God bless them. They looked like really nice people. But they were big boned and then some. Oh. Him and her. Were they what you would call in South America an hombre grande,

which is what I heard once. Is that right? Yeah. Well, this was with, I don't know what the lady would be in a case like that. Oh, I don't know. But anyway, they were a big couple. And I didn't want to move up and sit by this woman, so I ended up that they were they were in fairly quick

and one sat one side of me and one sat the other now i'm happy to sit next to a big person but if there's one either side oh yeah the meat in the sandwich there i mean i really well i don't know about that i felt that there was quite a lot of meat either side but i was um honestly i had to sit with my elbows in front of me rather than at my side. Oh, dear. And if there'd been anything important in my pocket, I mean, if I'd had my phone in my pocket, the gun off, it would have just...

Luckily, it would have been mainly muffled. If you'd had a bag of crisps in there. That would have been the end of that. Some broken biscuits. Smithereens. It wasn't their fault, you know. It's because I was sitting accidently in the middle of... I'll tell you what it was like

do you ever play pool in a pub and when you take the cue it's in like a clip there's like a clip that comes across me, it was like that so if someone had pulled me out of that seat it would have made like a it would have been like a

like a it really annoyed me, though. Why do people leave that empty seat? Does it make any difference that you sit next to a strange? You're in an auditorium. Especially if it's a full show. You're going to be sitting next to somebody. Did I mention, by the way, I was just wearing my pyjama jacket?

No. That's probably a key detail i like that alan's objecting from the bums on seat perspective yeah i think uh if it's a sold-out show then you've no right to expect a seat next to you but if if there's a bit of room you know if if you're looking at a three star that reads like a four show then you know you can have a seat next to you and stretch the old legs. I'm a tall man so I like the spare seat next to me in a show that is not packed. But why does that gain you any leg room? I can sort of twist the old hips and stretch.

Do you sit couchant? I do, yeah. I've got side saddles sometimes. Do you? You wrap around? Depending on the venue and the amount of leg space I'm afforded. The Edinburgh Fringe has not yet got to the stage where there's a reclining seat like in a posh cinema. There's none of that, is there?

I found when we were up there, though, what I hated was that people, men, I'm going to call them on it, it was men, ladies sit in a very considerate fashion, legs crossed, all together, much like the Queen in official photographs. Men, splay them, splay the legs. Well, yeah, that's an aeration thing, I think. It's an Aryan thing. But you have to get a bit of air circulating.

I mean, that's their fault. Why should you have that? What is their fault? No, but, you know, I mean, I suppose if you're in a kilt, you're all right. But I find, certainly, I mean, I don't wear denim anymore because I've gone beyond it. But, I mean, denim, it generates quite a lot of heat. I mean, Shakin' Stevens, he used to sit in those gynecological stirrups after a gig. That much denim. he used to sit in those gynecological stirrups after a gig. In a refrigerated room just to get up. Yeah, there would be Jake and Stevens

and then a tray of hooks with carcasses on. As you said, hooks. I'd like to think, what's St Francis Rossi's in then? Well, Francis Rossi, I think his private parts have disintegrated. Yeah, he looks just like he put deep heat on there in the 1970s. He is. I mean, it's... He may as well have.

No, it's true, though. So I think that's what it is. Oh, I see. It's medical reasons. It's a cooling device. I'll tell you what I don't like. If you're in a really packed theatre and you're sat next to somebody, when somebody arrives a bit late and sits on a layer of your clothing

and you feel a bit pinned, have you had that? Yes, they sit on your coat. And you feel a bit combative when you give them a little, you know, when you sort of wrestle yourself out. That's happened with my Istanbul pantaloons more time than I care. I've had people two seats away sitting on them.

That was when you decided to retire them and wear them only indoors, wasn't it? People've assumed it was a throw. It was actually the outer leg of my Istanbul pantaloon. Yeah, that is horrible, though. You do feel like you've been snared. You're invaded. It's an invasion of your personal space, isn't it? And also, then I start worrying there's something fragile in the pocket, you know. Your bag of crisps again. Well, whatever it is, I think I once lost a Pez dispenser with somebody sitting on my overcoat pocket. I didn't lose it, but the head came off.

Was it the Pez dispenser that was the reason that eBay was invented? Is that right? It was people trying to auction the tops of Pez dispensers. Is that right? I love your facts. I don't have many. I do not have many. I like the ones you've got. We've stumbled on this one. I'm pretty sure that is

why eBay was invented. Well, I think I've mentioned on this show before that I'm always on the lookout for an unusual Pez dispenser. Well, there you are. You're exactly the target market for the original eBay. A couple of weeks ago, I acquired Paul Coyer, the former daytime TV presenter. I got a Paul Coyer Pez dispenser.

I don't know whether or not to believe you. Yeah, in Scotland apparently. Not hot cakes, but there was a market for them. Anyway, this... Oh, dear. Wow. So, Alan's become, Frank, rather a fan of one of my habits. Yeah.

Even now I'm thinking OMG. I am. Literally, this Pez dispenser story has got me thinking OMG. Really? When I thought I'd see the day. I wasn't aware that people thought OMG. Oh, yeah, I do. Oh, I don't think we've met. Yeah, I wasn't aware that people thought OMG. Oh, yeah, I do. Oh, I don't think we've met.

I also don't like it. I've heard atheists say OMG. And mind your own business. Can you say YMG if you're around me? You're my God. No. No, it should be O-Y-G. Oh, you're God. Not you're my God. No, that would be should be O-Y-G. Oh, you're God.

Not you're my God. No, that would be... I don't want him to say that. They should say O-M-D, Oh My Dawkins. Yeah, exactly. That's more appropriate. What does O-M-D stand for somewhere else?

Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark. Yes. Of course. That's the worry. They might think that someone has used Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark as an exclamation. I'd like it if that happened.

Oh, that would be... OM question mark is really the atheist, isn't it? Yes, well, that's the agnostics. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. OM zero, I suppose. Yeah, which will just look like OMO. Yeah, exactly, the old washing powder. Yes, I hope so.

But yeah, I'm picking up the text and internet speak. Oh, Alan, darling, are you? I'm glad we've already had a reference to both Omo, the washing powder, and Comfort, the fabric conditioner. I want to work my way through a whole wash before the end. Well, you'll get bouncing there before too long. Yeah. So, go on.

What about things of mine you like? Apparently it's made it into the dictionary, the old text and internet speak. People are concerned by it, but I like it. OMG. Apparently BFF is best friend forever, isn't it? Yes. That was popularised by Paris Hilton, wasn't it?

Yeah. She likes that, BFF. Best friend forever is sticking your neck out a bit. Forever is too strong a word. I think Emily said that about Neil Gaiman. Boy, was she ever wrong. Rather than best friend forever, I'm more of a fan of NLF, AWAG, TD,

which is nothing less forever and we're all going to die. It's not as catchy or as flip as Paris' BFF. Yeah, and you might spend quite a bit of time explaining it to people. People are not going to let that pass if you just rattle off that list. The only one that I use that's more catchy is VFM. I'm a big fan of value for money. VFM. Also, I've noticed.

When you get a bargain, you can't help but think, ooh, I've had some VFM. Do you know what? Nothing gives me greater pleasure than when one of my acronyms takes off. Frank used one on me the other day, and I almost cried with happiness. He said he was rearranging something, and he said, It's not a UMB. Oh, that made me happy. Which was? Do you know what UMB is, Alan? UMB.

Frank will know. I'm afraid I don't. Shall I remind you? It's the unspoken mutual blowout. Oh, yeah. Yes. Frank used it on me. Loved it. And it wasn't one, but the trouble is,

once you've mentioned it, obviously the other person knows what's going on. Yeah. You've planted the seed, haven't you? But I always look forward to that bit where the new things in the new dictionary, the new words. But one of the phrases that it said was a new phrase,

was fill your boots. Surely that's... That's ancient. Why has it taken so long for that to get into the dictionary? I've been saying that to Kate Winslet, but you? I said that to Van Gogh some years prior to that

as well, yeah. I don't get that. Do you not really get that no what is it he did a very famous painting of his boots you learn something on this show it's very cultural

I think there's a reason we didn't quite go straight to the painting of the boots though because he chopped his ear off famously you mentally go straight to that got in the way of everything I thought maybe he went to Boots for a plaster. I was off on a whole different tangent. Would a plaster suffice for a sever, do you?

I suspect not. Didn't he turn to absinthe? Oh, it was on absinthe that he did it, wasn't it? Well, that wouldn't help, is it? I believe it does make the heart grow fonder. Oh, God. Absinthe puns. Well, I fonder. Oh, God. Absurd puns. Well, I looked at...

Oh, MD. I read the Daily Mail. I read the thing about the fill your boots beating. Oh, yeah. And it said, and fill your boots, meaning to make the best, making the most of a situation, it says. Oh. And then it said, evoking a poignant reminder

of the recent riots and looting. I thought, no! Not for a second! Only in the Daily Mail's mind. As our regular listeners will know, if they heard the show or the podcast of the show, me and the Cockerel went to see

Midnight Beast. It was a youthful band. Was it ever. And one of them said to me, when I, he said, all right,

Frank, what the hap? No. Oh. Which means, like, what's happening? What the hap?

What the hap? Yeah, obviously I looked, I looked at him like one would look at a piece of furniture. I had no, I had no sense

of what my response, my facial response should be. What the hell? I didn't even look puzzled. I just looked. Next time you meet them, you need to take a little glossary of terms like the IKEA catalogue on. Yeah. Just look down at it.

My favourite phrase from Edinburgh was one I saw in a jeweller's window near the Royal Mile. And it said, there's a big sign in the window that said, watch batteries expertly fitted. And I thought, I'd happily go and spend 20 minutes doing that. Of course, I realised after a bit, it meant watch batteries expertly fitted. But a festival where there are worse shows on than that.

Oh, God. There's a lot of shows I saw where would have happened if I'd won some batteries. It's on the free fringe. But there is a skill to fitting a battery. Oh, yeah. Sometimes you need tweezers. Well, that bit, do you go for the actual spring? Is that where you...

Do you head towards the spring when you go in or do you head towards the slightly raised metal platform at the other end? I'm calling it a platform. I'm not proud of this, but on a watch-related note, whilst in Edinburgh, I caught myself admiring the wristwatch on a homeless man. What does that say about me? Walked past him and just... I don't know anything about watches,

but I thought, oh, that's quite... That looks nice. That's quite a handsome watch, and then thought, it might well be worse, isn't it? Maybe he got given it before he fell on these troubles, and perhaps I should make him an offer. I don't know. Is that horrible?

Is that really horrible? No, I... 15 quid? 15? You sure it wasn't a way of finding his way around? A compass or something like that? A compass, yeah. Well, I mean, they don't really operate on...

I remember a friend telling me... You don't need a watch, really. A friend told me in Birmingham on New Street Station, he'd asked what we used to call tramps in those days, if he'd got the time, and the tramp said, I don't operate on a chronological system. I love that tramp.

Yeah. I love that tramp. And it is... Who needs a watch if you're a... Surely that's one of the benefits of being itinerant. Yeah. Yeah. They don't need to... I said they don't need to what?

Anyone misheard that? I said that trams don't need a watch. Obviously they need a wash. That goes without saying. That's all they need to go to the soap kitchen. That's my advice. Maybe they don't need one maybe that's hard

soap kitchen is an elegant one letter that is really lean thank you very much I'm raising hat off I'm raising he's actually taken his hat off

I didn't think he'd do that yeah I didn't yeah I like to do the podcast in a beanie for listeners since I've seen Midnight Beast. They were peaked, weren't they?

They were a peaked baseball cap. They wore sportswear. They wore shorts on the stage. Oh, I love that. I love their headgear as well. If I'm going to pay to see someone wearing shorts, I want there to be a ball involved. They look very good in their...

How old are they again, Frank? Well, they're early 20s I actually felt like I might be an older step brother Turning up to watch one of them I would be, if I was a parent I'd be anxious about The girls get very They get very over excited

And they are girls They're not But in a weird way It's sort of perfect kind of rock and roll in that uptight parents will be worried about it, but really there's not that much that's that bad. It's almost like Elvis wiggling his hips and people going, oh, no, I agree with that.

But these are girls who've only just turned their back on Barbies, what it looks like. I don't mean Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Leon. You don't turn your back on him. You'd be relieved if your children had turned their back on Barbie is what it looked like. I don't mean Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Leon. You don't turn your back on him. You'd be relieved if your children had turned their back on him. It was a bit of a difficult phase that she went through, the obsession with Klaus

Barbie. Will you stop going on about Klaus Barbie? Yeah, Klaus Barbie's friend, Ken. The original Ken and Barbie love Ken. The original Ken and Barbie. Yeah, exactly. No, so, yeah, but they just seem...

And I'll tell you something that they did, going back to that gig, is every one of these, even though they were dancing and going crazy, every one of them was videoing the gig. They all got their video phones. I find that weird. Do you? Yeah. No, I have once made a phone call from a gig to say, I can hear

it and this is it and I can't remember what the gig was but I can't imagine filming it for posterity. I was in a car once and every few minutes, Kath was watching The Four, I was working out of town. She'd phone me up and say, new song. And then she'd hold the phone for me to hear the new song.

And then go off. And then, another new song. And I heard about five songs over the phone. It was very wonderful. That is what love is all about in our house. Nice. Let me tell you that. What else?

Well, I'll tell you what else. And it's to do with my house. Although not my current house. What, in the middle of Earth Street? No. I was reading a story this week. I don't know if you saw this. It was about children's pocket money. Apparently it's gone up.

It's on the rise and it's the first time in about seven years that it's gone up. Oh, did I see it? Well, apparently Has Daddy been grumpy around the house at reading this? How old is your son? He's four, so he's not in pocket money stage yet, but I did think, oh, God, here we go. What is the pocket money age where you start getting it?

Yeah, I'd quite like to know, because my parents sent me out on film sets to work, so I never really knew what age you were meant to get pocket money. You're still waiting for pocket money. Yeah, still quite like it, actually. Still waiting for any of that money as well, but that's another story. That is another story.

I've been that can of worms. Ticking on, are they? Ticking on. That could be an absolute special. Hello, Mishkondorea. So, yeah. But apparently, the average child gets £6.25 a week. No, in fact, my parents were just quite chaotic with finances. They were just like, money would come in and they'd say,

let's buy a wine box and some first editions. So we never got taught to sort of save or anything. No. But most kids do get pocket money. This is right, isn't it? Yeah. I think so. I love it.

Can I just say, I just love the phrase pocket money. If you actually stop and think about it, money that you can put in your pocket. What other kind of money is that? It's great, isn't it? And in a way, that's probably why it's gone up, because the kids all wear combat trousers now, isn't it? So there's more pockets. Exactly.

Do the kids all wear combat trousers? Yeah. Or was that about ten years ago? No. No, it's definitely now. Okay. What did you get, Frank? Did you get pocket money?

I, um, yeah, I can't remember. I think I got about, I seem to have got up to about a pound towards the end of the, you know, when I got to about 15. That would have been a note as well. It was a note. Back in the day, yeah. It was a big note. One of those you had to fold about five times. What are the great thing about it was I spent it on comics and sweets.

And that was it. And wouldn't life be simple now if you just basically bought two? And it's such easy stuff to buy. I could do with more clothes. But I only ever buy the hooded tops, jackets, things that you can try on without having to take something else off. Oh, really? I can't be bothered to go into a changing booth. No, that's an interesting...

Because I do sometimes find that a bit of a pain. Oh, God, here we go. Oh, exactly. I'd sooner do without. I've got five layers on and I'm trying on the bottom layer. A replacement for the bottom layer. I mean, trousers. You can't try on a pair of trousers.

You've got to take your shoes off. Yeah. You've got and put on trousers. You've got to take your shoes off. Yeah. You've got to take your trousers. You've got to hang those off. That's why you wear a shopping outfit. They're always too long. A shopping outfit. Just a tube dress and nothing else.

I don't think Frank can do that. That would... Yeah, I had enough trouble when I went into Marks and Spencer's in just the pyjamas, yeah? People recognise him. They do. They did that day.

Yeah. Certainly my ex-wife spotted me, and she was on the lower escalator. Oh, it was... Oh, that was at cards I used to buy, you know? Oh, yeah. Bubble gum cards. Collectibles.

Oh, God, I bought that. Joe Bazooka. I used to get... Bazooka Joe. Oh, Bazooka Joe. Bazooka Joe, is that what it was called? I used to buy the, I had these,

there was a series called American Civil War Cards. Oh, when was this? There were scenes, scenes from the American Civil War with a bit of info on the back. You know,

they used to come and you'd get like five cards and then a bit of square. Yes, because I got Star Wars cards, yeah. You'd get a square of chewing gum in there as well

so you could concentrate on the... Oh, I just had a fag. Yeah, sure, but fair enough. But they were the most violent, they were incredibly violent cards. There was one called The Cannon's Victim, and it was a bloke standing about a foot away

from a cannon being blown to smithereens by it. And there was another one called um under the cannon's wheels i think it was a lot it's canon it's a highly canon theme and it was a bloke who's already had a bandaged arm so already not well being crushed by the wheels of a cat and this was for children yeah and i remember a couple of days honey yeah i think it was the same, no. It was a bit of a loose cannon. It was actually exposed on one of those sort of that's life type consumer. It was one of the two sets of cards I collected as a child that were exposed on TV.

Oh, really? The other one was I collected these James Bond cards. Oh, yeah. Which had got some quite, how can I put it, some quite slinky pictures of ladies on the cards. Oh, yeah. Which had got some quite, how can I put it, some quite slinky pictures of ladies on the cards. Oh, a bit racy. Yeah.

Nice. Shall we eat them? Well, I don't know about eating, but certainly nibbled. There was lots of quite, how can I put it, quite busty pictures, you know. Oh, yeah.

Really rude. But, I mean, for kids' cards. And I remember we watched, I put it, quite busty pictures, you know. I mean, they're really rude, but I mean, for kids, cards. And I remember we watched, I think it was something like Braden's Week, used to be this kind of, it was where, what's she called, the woman who did the child line thing? Esther Anson. Esther Anson, where she began.

And they were exposing it, and they said, these cards are just wrong that these are for children and I think my mum and my sister I was watching it with our Nora and my mum they knew I collected these James Bond so Nora says can I have a look at your James Bond cards and I thought

they're on to me so she handed them over and some of them were quite full on big ladies and she said to me which is your favourite card? And I thought, I'm like, yeah, I know. You're not falling for that. So I pointed to a picture of Sean Connery in a tuxedo.

She said, no, what's your favourite one with a lady on? And I thought, I'm being pursued. I am being pursued here. I'm being investigated. And although I was a tiny child, I was wise to it. It's like Frost Nixon. Yeah, I went for Honor Blackman in, get this, roll neck sweater and jacket. I thought, oh, you're good.

And I remember Ann Orris said, you know, that's a nice one, isn't it? A bit disappointed. Yeah. That I hadn't gone for it. She smelt the kill. But I bought a lot of those with my pocket money. I feel a bit pedestrian now. I used to get, I think, two or three pounds, and we'd go to Dewsbury Market,

and we could get what we wanted from Dewsbury Market. What did you get? Cleaning fluid. Sounds like the sort of place you'd get a nice plastic bowl. Oh, yeah, you could definitely have got that. Yeah. But we got... I went through various... I did quite a lot of karate as a schoolboy. Oh,, you could definitely have got that. But we got, I went through various phases. I did quite a lot of karate as a schoolboy.

Oh, did you? Yeah, there was a point where I would get like a martial arts magazine from WH Smiths by Dewsbury Market or something like that. Oh, that's so sweet. And then there was a point where I used to buy things off the market, like football socks. There used to be a store. What, did they karate you?

No, they played football. Oh, stone floors in the Japanese-themed gymnasiums. Very slippy. Yeah. That would have been chaos. You want those little black slippers like Bruce Lee's? Oh, no, no, that's kung fu. Very much.

Well, Bruce Lee invented Jeet Kune Do, JKD, as it's well known. Oh, lovely, Alan. It is Bruce Lee's. Nice usage. Bruce Lee's. What's that? It's an alco-pop. JKD. It is's well known. Oh, lovely, Alan. Nice usage. Bruce Lee's... No, that's what it's known as. What's that? Alco-pop.

JKD. It is an alco-pop. What did he invent? Jeet Kune Do. Oh, people will email in about this. Oh, yeah, definitely. Did he record anything Jeet Kune Do I can do better? Oh, I can't tell you how many times I've seen those words and not thought of a pun.

That is highly commendable. I've gone a bit pun crazy today. You've gone on form, haven't you? Yeah. Sup, kitchen. I love Bruce Lee, and I didn't know he invented Jeet Kune Do. Invented Jeet Kune Do. And I used to buy seconds off the sports store.

Jeet Kune Do is a martial art in itself. Yep. It sounds like a blug, doesn't Yep. It's not, it sounds like a blog, doesn't it? It's like he invented it. He said to his wife, I'm meeting a Jeet Kune Do down the road. No, it's the name of it rather than a sentence that contains the verb.

Yeah, exactly. But I used to buy football socks that were seconds. The seconds still exist. Do you mean a waist rip? a seconds what? no like slightly faulty there was a phase where they sold

humble football socks that Spurs wore and I wasn't a Spurs supporter but you were buying them cheap so you wanted the cockerel the cocksportive exactly they had the cockerel on them but sometimes they'd be on they were meant to be on the outside of the But sometimes they'd be on like, they were meant

to be on the outside of the legs and there'd be one that was on the inside that wasn't there and that was why they were on there. You know, I spent hours doing that. I've got one or two pairs of socks. Like, I've got a pair of Pringles socks. And I've got two pairs the same and the cleaner

will wrap up two with the logo on the left and two with the logo on the right. And you want them both on the outsides obviously. You don't want them on the insides. Sometimes the embroidery will lock like Velcro. I did that and got up and fell over. Yeah, I needed

Clowning. Someone's tied your shoelaces together. I had to phone 999 for a seamstress. Yeah, I had to phone 999 for a seamstress. Yeah, but I miss someone excited about pocket money. Yeah, I'm sure there was. It's a bit like bedclothes, I always think. Bedclothes is a great phrase. I'm going to put the bedclothes on, put a big shirt for it.

Well, you don't wear the bottom half of your pyjamas, do you? No, I don't. You've got to let the air get to it, I told you. Get to it. Nobody wanted that. No, no. I sleep with the lower half of my body out the window. It's true, there's a rumour that Bernie Matthews

has moved in. This is Frank Skinner on It's true, there's a rumour that Bernard Matthews has moved in.