The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - It's gone a bit 1980's

Episode Date: June 4, 2011

Frank and Emily discuss their favourite 1980's insults and Gareth makes a big announcement.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh yes, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You know when you're sort of out in a park or something or on a football pitch and it's very hot and dusty and then it rains and then after there's that kind of dusty smell and it's like a smell but it's also like you can't breathe with it. You know that? I'm not going to talk about it, I just want to know what you know. And then if I establish what you know early on, then I can pitch the tone of the whole show.

It's basically research. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in already from Jane, who was thanking you for your first link. Who are you? She says... Hold on, I haven't introduced you yet. In my opinion, you don't exist, in a way.

I'm with Emily and Gareth this morning. We're on Absolute Radio. I think that's all you need to know. No, no, just let them relax. Let's do the formals. OK. Are they out of the way with...? Yes.

He's very formal. Someone has texted us on 8-12-15, which you are all welcome to do. What's happened? He's gone all formal this week. This is from Jane. Thank you. I was brought up in the Lake District, where it rains all welcome to do. What's happened? He's gone all formal this week. This is from Jane. Thank you. I was brought up in the Lake District, where it rains all the time. So I only smelt

it on holiday in France after storms. I love it. It's evocative. But when I said people look at me like I'm mad. Well, you're not mad, because it is evocative. So you're right. And it's just good. Someone from the Lake District knows the word evocative. I thought you'd just know words like fen and flint. Hi, Frank.

Hi. I'm not getting that formal. I was going to read the... Oh, sorry. I'm the guy in the purple polo shirt. Yeah, well, anyway, we all are. Guy in the purple polo shirt. I'm the guy in the purple polo shirt.

Is this a tongue twist that you all want us to join in with? Who stopped to shake your hand on Waterloo Bridge yesterday evening. Oh, that guy in the purple polo shirt, yeah. After our brief chat, re-podestrian racing, I decided to pick up the pace and take on a few peripatetic commuters. All the pace, the guy in the purple polo shirt. My usual handicap of having stumpy legs was eradicated by the spring in my step i gained

from meeting you and i trounced my rival oh i'm imagining that he's the screen of his phone he's covered in spit from all his from all his um yeah he was a very nice chap said nice things about the show which i won't repeat obviously because we don't praise the show on the show. Just take right. Yeah. He's Matt. He was quite Matt, yeah. Not glossy. Because it was quite shiny.

It was a sunny day and he would have been dazzling had he not been Matt. He says, where were you off to? And was that Kath who was on YouTube? Well, now Matt's getting over-familiar, frankly. It's getting very personal. It sounds like the beginning of an investigation. Yeah, it does. And that was Kath I was waving to on the other side of Waterloo Bridge.

Oh. Wow. Yeah, we're not as close as we used to be. On the other side of the bridge. Not the other bank. No, no, no. She just got off the bus. Yes, Frank Skinner's girlfriend gets the bus. What do you think, I've got money to burn? Yeah.

Oh, good old Matt. He was a very nice, he seemed a very nice chap. But, you know, anyone who praises us, we feel to be very nice, am I correct? Now he's got more stuff for his files. He knows what a cat looks like. He knows where you would go. I imagine he had a lapel camera. Yeah.

Where was I going to? Oh, I was going to see Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. How was that? Yeah, going to see Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, yeah. Wow. How was that? At the O2. I thought it was all right. There's a man next to me who was the loudest clapper I've ever known. Now, I spoke to someone the other week who said that they'd split up with someone because they clapped too loudly.

It wasn't one of my exes. No, it certainly wasn't one of mine. And I one i thought so no it certainly wasn't one of mine and i thought that what do you mean by that but i i got an insight this guy yeah i tell you what i don't know if he used to work for radio for drama in the old days it sounded like he had two coconut shells and when he i don't know if i can oh i can't recreate it i don't think another human could but it went right down the side of my not Not just lowered, but it's like it went down the side of my neck. Like it was hitting a nerve thing in my neck. I was dreading Jerry Seinfeld saying something really funny

because I knew it would be like I got a woodpecker living within the wax. Was he a large man? He might have had meaty hands. No, he wasn't. He looked very like like, you know, he read The Guardian and, you know, that kind of... Do you think he was a very good clapper, or do you think it was... You know how when you clap sometimes just by accident, you do a really loud one, and you don't know how you've done it? No, but he was frighteningly consistent. It wasn't like the odd one that went off.

No, it was... Right in there. Right in my ear. Inexcusable. But what can you say? You can't turn to someone at a gig and say, can you not clap, please? Oh, I can, very much so.

Well, I didn't. Yeah, so 8, 12, 15, if you want to talk to us about anything at all, or want us to talk to you about anything that you've triggered off with a text, if you receive my meaning um 131 has texted um frank your clapping anecdote does not sound applausible oh we're off we're off there's only one way to follow that and that's with scooby snacks by fond loving Lockham Criminals. Sorry, have I fallen asleep and woken up on TFI Friday? Sorry, we've put on big Papi and maché heads of you two

to dance to that. That was... I've said who it was. Fun Loving Criminals, etc. Yeah. Oh, that's my chair creaking. You don't want that on air, do you? Oh, it's very Jacob Marley. I like that in you. Yeah?

Frank? Sounds like there's an old lady in the corner. How dare you you see actually it's not a chair it's actually my i've just worked out it's my spinal column oh no i knew there was a load of fluid in the seat of my trousers when i woke up this morning turns out it was all the all that stuff in between the discs that lubricate them you're gonna need that lactic oh now i've got a spinal column like an old palm tree are you just gonna do this for All that stuff in between the discs. Lubricate them. You're going to need that. Lactic, isn't it? Oh, now I've got a spinal column like an old palm tree.

Are you just going to do this for the next two hours? No, no, I'm not. Frank, they're loving this dusty rain smell. Oh, the dusty rain? I mentioned at the time, I mean, I'll be honest, as a filler, that smell that when you're out in, like, a field or on a football pitch or cricket or something, and it rains, and it's not just the smell.

Because after the rain, if it's been hot and sunny, it feels like all the dust is in your lungs. The particles, yeah. You're completely permeated. It reminds me, I was once in a sandstorm with Terry Neal, the former Arsenal centre-half, and he wore full Arabic robes so that he could breathe all right i i mean what about moggins i had to just choke it through well we've had a text in i said i don't know who

it's from actually do you think that's the first terry neal in a sandstorm anecdote there's been on absolute radio yeah i think it's also the first time anyone's ever discussed dust as a phone-in topic i said what about muggins for a while you should report the answer to that i went to a 1980s show this week and since then i've been talking about muggins not muggins as in attacks to risk to get money i mean that wouldn't be funny commit that clear anyone who's offended at home, who's recently been mobbed. Forget about it. Forget about it as one word.

That's quite 1980s. Ben in Spain. I know that smell. It's as good as the smell of a fence, freshly painted in wood preserver. You get the new smell a lot in Spain on the hot ground. Yeah, I imagine mainly on the plane, according to my research of where it rains in Spain.

He's on about that sort of cupronol-type smell, isn't it? Creosote smell for the wooden fence. That is lovely. I tell you what, I like an old cinema, that smell. Where does that smell come from? Because there's nothing really in a cinema that emanates the smell. That's true. Eamon has said that smell of rain is called petrichor.

Or petro... I don't know how you say it exactly, but P-E-T-R-I-C-H-O-R. Really? It's got a name, that smell of rain that sort of gets on your lungs. But it's called petrichor. Fantastic. There's a smell called petrichor. Let's get my called Petrichor.

Let's get my U2 head on. I'm loving it this morning. The listeners are in top form already. Well, they're getting up pretty early in the morning. I suppose they would listen to an 8 o'clock radio show. I had two experiences on the south bank of the River Thames this week, both with Mickey Mouse. No. Yeah.

You don't often see him on the south bank. Well, this is not the same Mickey. This is two different Mickey Mouses. Okay. So the south bank is the home of the street entertainer, but not ones who, well, some of them do elaborate stuff, but a lot of them just dress up, and then people give them money for dressing up.

It's a bit of a Lady Gaga approach. So I went past this Mickey Mouse, and there was a small child and her mother. The mother's standing probably eight feet back, giving the mouse a bit of room. And the mouse was squeaky. They have these squeaker things in their mouths. And pointing at his tin. And the mother was saying, the mother was saying, tell him you've already put some in. Tell him. Tell him you've put some in. I thought, you tell him. it was it was a horrible sinister scene this child

has been it was being threatened um muggins that's what i thought no but it was it was really i didn't like he was pointing at the tin drawing attention to the fact that he had uh he had too many fingers to be mickey mouse it was some sort of imposter. Did he have the white gloves? He had the white gloves, yeah, but Mickey's got three fingers and a thumb, I don't know if you've ever noticed. And he doesn't extort on the whole? No, he never...

Also, he can speak. The real Mickey Mouse does speak. Why couldn't he have, you know, said, put some more money in the tin there? Your previous contribution was insufficient that would have been that's actually my throat a bit there so my throat early on in this see the rodents they've got a toffer larynx and talk like that for years they don't trouble them oh frank that's horrible a terrible loss of innocence for you and the child but it was like

the woman was um she was intimidated by the mouse and and just let the child be devoured by its greed. They needed a big cat, is what they needed. That would have been great. A really big cat. A really big cat. I've never seen Mickey Mouse tussle with a cat, now you come to mention it. No.

That's true. He doesn't get involved in scraps. No, but... Well, I think when he's at the tip. He doesn't... He's not mouse-like at all. He speaks... I'm starting to think he isn't a mouse.

Actually, he's got a dog, hasn't he? Yeah, I mean, how many times have you seen that? Is that to ward off cats? Yeah, that's to keep the cats away. I know. Now, of course. And then there was the other... Well, I'll tell you after.

There's more Mickey. There's two Mickeys on the South Bank, which, for a start-off, that isn't good for a child, you know, now, of course. And then there was the other... Well, I'll tell you after. There's more Mickey. There's two Mickeys on the South Bank, which, for a start-off, that isn't good for a child, you know, because that's confusing. Well, unless it's Mickey Rooney. Well, it could be Mickey Rooney. No, well, I'll tell you in a minute. OK.

Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'm keeping this child until you go away and bring me more money. Actually, that was a bit more Pinocchio in Shrek than it was. I need to... I haven't heard Mickey Mouse speak for ages. Who has? I think it's fair to say he's kept something of a low profile in recent years.

Wandering around in that old DJ with the tails. Yeah, exactly. Terrible style. Wandering around with an old DJj with the tails yeah exactly terrible style wandering around an old dj kick my girlfriend out she can do what she likes so um oh yeah mickey mouse i was talking about this this mickey mouse incident i saw um um money with uh menaces is that the right word money with menaces is that the phrase and word? Money with menaces? Is that the phrase? And then I saw there's another Mickey Mouse who stands, I mean, at least there's the decency to stand about 50 yards away to the children. You might allow for a bit of short-term memory loss in a child and think, oh, there's Mickey again. But I went past the other day and it had the

head off. What, of a child? Yeah, one sort of karate job. Turns out that the white glove has got like a razor edge down the little finger. No, it had the head off. And it, I'll call it it, and it was like, I'd say it was a woman in her mid-thirties inside. Talking. That explains the voice. But she was talking in like like, an English accent.

And I thought, there's too much for the children here. Well, it's against Disney regulations. Yeah, aye, it's not a mouse. That's the first big, oh, whoa! Whoa! Hey-o! It's not actually a real mouse! And it's female, English, loads, you know, detachable head,

loads of stuff you didn't expect. And I think that's wrong. When you see Mickey Mouse, you want to see ASOS. Yes. You know what I mean? As seen on screen. Good use of ASOS there. Yeah, that's what you want, you know, you want the real...

There are very strict rules against that as well, because it's trauma-inducing for children. very strict rules against that as well, because it's trauma-inducing for children. No, but there used to be what may have been an urban myth about someone who, a child who saw it happen at Disneyland went round the corner of a wall for a junior cigarette and there was a Mickey Mouse with the head off. I don't know if that's true, but these are unofficial characters. Let's face it.

I mean, their outfits and even their heads are no more than a hodgepodge so um i think if disney went down there there'd be well heads would roll it serves a right for taking them off in the first place on that identity thing now i was at the theater um recently and who should be sitting in front of me but Helen Worth. Oh. Who plays Gail in Coronation. I know her work well. And she was chatting away. And there was two women.

One woman called across. This other woman. Gail. Gail. Obviously the friend was called Gail. And Helen Worth looked round and I told her. She sort of looked round in character. An exciting moment.

I'm actually a little bit alive, correlation straight in front of me. I'd love it if she'd have got angry and said, look, I'm off-duty, love, I'm an actress, it's a character I play. Oh, I'd have loved that as well, but she joined in. I felt sorry for her, because she'd looked round on, you know, it wasn't even her name. She'd be prepared to join in. OK, I'm not called Gail, but I'll look round.

I know what's going on here. It wasn't even talking to her. Terrible. Terrible. Frank, I'll tell you what else is terrible. Oh, God, this could be a long list, couldn't it? I mean, the list of things that are terrible. Well, this is an accusation that we got it wrong,

or you specifically got it wrong, in the Not The Weekend podcast. Frank, in the Not The not the weekend podcast you referred to stephanie beach and being in tenko i think you might have meant stephanie cole as the only shoulder pads in tenko were on the officers of the imperial japanese army ah well there's no name it's just 131 well 131 who i think is a regular contributor yeah um You're wrong. Stephanie Beecham was definitely... Stephanie Cole was in it as well. I've checked and I can exclusively

reveal you're correct, Frank. Thank you. Stephanie Beecham, I believe, made her name. I'd say she made her name in Tenco. She didn't just appear in it. She stamped her identity right across that goddamn series. Exactly. Yes, sweaty shirt.

Yeah. We've also had a, well, we had a mail from Adam who said, Hi, Frank, Emily and Big G. I don't know why I'm big all of a sudden. I mean, chicken wings for the apprentice. Capital G, he meant. But he's reverted back to his early school days. He said, the email you got earlier about Petricor was from Doctor Who,

so it may not be true. It was from Doctor Who. Yes, but we've also had other... It is true. No, some things in Doctor Who are true. Not all of them. Yeah. Well, no, not all of them.

That would be terrifying. But certainly, it's not a tissue of lies. That's how you're seeing Doctor Who. I think you're being very unjust. Well, that's good, Turner. But why would it be from Doctor Who? I think they mentioned it on an episode of Doctor Who recently. Well, you know, they mentioned...

Clouds on a recent team. Does that mean they don't exist? Silly. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, can I tell you one of my

favourite things that happened this week? I'm sorry, there's no time. Go on. Well, it was a celebrity altercation. Oh, it wasn't the mouse again i think no it's on the rampage no there were no grubby white gloves involved good this was between imogen thomas oh i had a shiver as i said her name oh am i allowed to say her name yeah i think we could i think we were always allowed to say her name didn't she damn well make sure of it well she's got into a twitter

row with uh the wife of a footballer called gibral sissy sissy do you know him yeah i do yeah he was quite a funny looking man wasn't he he was um he's exotic in his in appearance he's one of those black men that goes for white hair that I don't mean like Uncle Ramos. I mean he dyes his hair to look spectacular. Well, just to give you a quick pricey of events. Jude, she's the wag,

Jude Cissé said on Twitter, Imogen should shut up and remain dignified. Too late, too late. Remain dignified. I think dignity is way beyond... I'm surprised. I bet she can't pick out her dignity in her rear-view mirror.

Especially if there's been a bit of petrichor. Jude also said, Affairs happen all over the world with every walks of life. Fact. That's what she said. Well, you know that was dashed off in the heat of the moment we'll allow her a bit of grammatical error to which image and reply oh jog on jog on jog on is a phrase i'm not familiar with no well jude replied

get the violins out now the one thing that i came away thinking was what are they just like return to the 80s strange insults you never hear anymore. I want to get the violins out for a long time, accompanied with a mime as well, of a violin. I love that. Jog on? I don't know. I guess that means, like, move along.

Like when the police say, move along. Well, you know what it is, actually. Another 80s thing. Oh, naff off. It's like naff off. It means that you want to swear, but you can't. Well, jog on. No, jog on sounds like... It does sound like move along. She should have said, you know,

you're nothing but a gold digger. Oh, move along, madam. That's going to be the new thing, is that police jogging. Do you remember? Do you ever see any of those police stop... whatever they were called those videos oh yeah yeah there's one in that where he says this bloke and it says a

a quiet day in dagonham ice street until this character turns up like doing a three-point turn on a short carriage oh i love an old-fashioned insult i must say oh i love them i um one that i remember having and it must have been about 1990 um but it was from a friend of mine whose dad was very into heavy metal so into like guns and roses and bon jovi he sounds horrible yeah and my friend he still he still had a mullet. Bear in mind about 85% of our listeners are 38-year-old men in black T-shirts at home now. What were we playing there? Dunlop Green Flashes.

Thinking, where's the white snake? I love our listeners. White snake is a fortified wine, obviously, for those of you who don't know. It was my friend Chris, and I'd gone to call for him, and I'd seen him say something to his dad as he was coming out. And he looked sort of quite pleased with himself, Chris, like he had something to say. It might have been a perfectly formed farewell of some kind.

Goodbye. And he said to me, he said, my dad says you're a drip he said when was he going to play with that drip oh no when was this 1990 it must have been about 1990 i think i was about 10 or 11 yeah when he had my card yeah number but um did you have your card as well you gave him my card your card your big drip i don't have business cards printed h9 you drip well i'm calling me a drip just because i know i mean it's quite how can i say this i know what he means yeah no i know what i know what he means but mean, I don't know if he was saying it in a nasty way. I don't know if I was a jiff at that point

or I've built my whole persona around that. Yeah, that's it. Your self-fulfilling prophecy, that was. But I see what, it's worth holding on to, even that's an old-fashioned insult, it's worth holding on to it if it's really apposite. I think I'd stick with it. That's true. See, I'd stick with it.

I haven't heard that. My aunt Nora, my older sister, still calls me a silly article. I've never heard anyone else use that. And I've always, I was playing football once and this guy I was playing with, there was a guy on the other side who was quite a big aggressive chap, kicking people up in the air. And someone on our side said,

oh, calm down, you Muppet. Oh, Muppet. Yeah, Muppet. It was awful. I'd never heard it before and I thought, but I find the Muppets quite admirable. Do you know what I mean? They've always got a one-liner at the fingertips. Musical. They've got all the talents. I thought that was incorrect.

Anyway, what old-fashioned insults do you like? See, I just went in then to... It all went a bit Capital Radio. I like that. That's what we'd like to know. I say, what old-fashioned insults... ...do you guys out there like? What are you doing this morning?

What's up now they're thinking oh this is proper radio at last i like pillock frank like pillock you don't hear that enough now that's really really good what with that and moggins it's been a hell of a so far Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Rope, Foo Fighters. Sounded like a command. You know, we have a thing on this thing called Idiotic Eureka Moments

when it takes you years to get a pun or get a joke yeah and then you suddenly think one day oh that's why they're cool it's from kung fu fighters is it oh is that fighters oh i've only just got that as well i could be wrong but it seems it's just struck me this chair got to change this chair during the news people don't live the food it's like i feel I feel that there should be an enormous whale featured later in the show. That'll be the captain having one of his midnight walks. Perhaps they can't hear it, but to me it's a deafening creak. Frank, our listeners are loving these 80s insults.

We've had... That's because they're 38-year-old men in black T-shirts who still use them. Bert has suggested do one. These are people that still shout albatross at gigs. Do you remember that? Sorry, Bert. Bert has suggested do one.

Oh, do one was good, yeah. Do one. Phil has suggested twerp. Twerp? Actually, Nick Clegg was recently called a twerp by a Conservative MP. Really? Bit of retro. Sid also...

Sid? I mean, even his name. He's completely joined in. Tell Sid. I'd throw Daft Apeth into the mix. Daft Apeth. Now, Daft Apeth, my mum used to use that one. I believe it comes from half pennyworth,

suggesting that you are a small quantity. Oh. Do you see? Yes, I do see. And then, rather randomly thrown into the mix, is from Wayne, who sounds quite... He's a bit more 70s than 80s, perhaps. Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth.

I found an old VHS tape of Gamesmaster from 1994, which had Frank as a guest playing a football game. The game was close and then went to penalties, but that's when my tape runs out. Any idea who won? Well, I'll check my journal. I have not. Oh, God, I just...

Was that Dominic Diamond? Dominic Diamond, Gamesmaster. I just barely remember doing... Was it me or was it Stephanie Cole? Honestly, that's a vague... I never played games, really. Well, obviously, I played the bowling on my iPad, the ten-pin bowls.

I love that. I'll tell you what happens on that, though. It's a great game to play if you're a comedian. Because when you get... Sometimes I play the spares, which is like you have to get three pins you have to knock down. And if you knock them down, the crow go... And it's great.

And the next one... And then if it misses, you just get... The metallic thing, nothing. And it's great. It's like doing a gig. It really sends a shiver through you. Oh, it's lovely. Frank, another 80s insult.

In fact, I saw this morning, this very morning, in one of the papers I've remembered, Chris Evans was referring to something as being a real pain in the backside. Yeah, but he's more of a 90s man, I would say. Early 90ss you're right and i like um you big girls blouse is one that my god that was massive big girls blouse everybody used that where did they go these phrases i suppose it's all swearing

they go to chris evans vocabulary is where they go it's all the swearing i think he actually wears a big girl's black that sort of polka dot yeah he's dressing for ryan gigs i'm worried about him i know he's had a tough time just lately but he started to look like an east european torturer yeah he does he's really got sort of he's suddenly got a gray and sallow very shallow cheekbones oh man i'd say cadaverous yeah yeah that's called the whole thing i think he should have a super injunction stopping people So, hello, cheekbones. Oh, man, he does. I'd say cadaverous. Yeah? Yeah. That's called the whole thing. I think he should have a super injunction stopping people talking about what he looks like. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. I bet he's on to the lawyer now.

Dimitri, can you get... Ryan, is that you? I'm sorry, I've become Ethiopia daughter. You not see my face? Yeah, that's a strange thing. What else? Oh, I know what I wanted to talk about. Oh, do you?

Britain's Got Talent. Did you see it this week? Actually, that's Chega's Place Pop. What is that music? But I think any three-word TV programme title would... Yes. Well, there's been quite a bit of controversy, which I don't think we'll talk about.

The young lad with the chrysanthemum hairstyle. Eh? Did he, didn't he? Was he set on? I must say, he's a handsome young fellow. He is, isn't he? Oh, he's going to break a few hearts. Lovely hair. Did you see the't he? Oh, he's going to break a few hearts. Lovely hair.

Did you see the performance of Shrek, anyone? Oh my goodness. Just putting it out there. Do you know what? Sorry. Sorry, no, go on, you carry on. What I felt about the performance of Shrek is all the performers looked as if

someone had walked in on them doing it. It was like something that they thought they were going to do in private. It was first rehearsal. First try with the cast here. The thing is, they called down that giant, big, massive, green-faced, antan-eyed monster in the brown. And Ant says, so you're playing Shrek, right? No.

No, no. You made a mistake. I'm Pinocchio. And then Richard Backwood came out and those funny, his thighs looked huge in that costume. Great to see you. He's wearing donkey legs, I think. Yes.

He does all the donkey work. I saw him out in a donkey jacket. Do you still get those? It's kind of very legs, I think. Yes. He does all the donkey work. I saw him out in a donkey jacket. Do you still get those? It's kind of very retro, this one. I haven't heard the phrase donkey, Jackie, since I started work and had to wear one. God damn it. You lemon.

No, Blackwood's back. Yeah. But Amanda, I thought she could sing. Yes, she can. Much better than when Cheryl did X Factor. I bet Cheryl was at home. Amanda, I thought she could sing. Yes, she can. Much better than when Cheryl did X Factor. I bet Cheryl was at home and she's had a bad week as it is. I bet she said, well, I am absolutely... And then, will I am?

Did you call? No, no, I said, well, I am. Yes, here I am. Oh, just get out! Why, you're getting me nervous. Can I stand it? This is Frank Skinner. Just get out! Why, you're getting meaner than you do. I can understand it. I'm more. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So Richard Blackwood trended worldwide on Twitter. That's amazing. Was he killing somebody? No, he was from being on britain's got talent oh it's nice for him though he was he was a he was a bit of an addendum he came on right at the end didn't he didn't the giant giant haunches it's true oh god he's got giant haunches i know he asked me out once what richard blackwood did today did. Did he? Yes. And you said no. Well, I'm sorry. I was young.

I was a fool. And we were both appearing on Liquid News. Do you remember that? Yeah. And I was doing a spot of media punditry. Were you? Yeah, with the late Robert Palmer. Richard Blackwood was also... So many disclosures all at once. This knocks my

football game with Dominic Diamond into a cocked hat. You were on Equid News. Yeah, with Robert Palmer and then Richard Blackwood. What were you reporting about on Equid News? I want to know all of the... I wasn't reporting about... I wasn't outside the Houses of Parliament. Were you outside that revolving sign outside of new scotland yard that

people always stand in front of what about someone says let's do a report from scotland yard should we not stand in front of the revolving sign what are you any of not standing in front of the revolving get out of here no it wasn't any sort of ob and do one with you it was i was studio based with robert palmer anyway robert palmer this robert palmer he liked my boots we I was studio-based with Robert Palmer. Robert Palmer, this Robert Palmer. He liked my boots, we bonded. Anyway, Richard Blackwood, he was in the Green Room. I think he might have been on another show, I'm not sure. And he just started talking to me.

And then he said he wanted media advice. Richard Blackwood was in the Green Room. It was Joan Greenwood in the Black Room. Joan Greenwood, many of you will know, is a formative figure in British theatre. Hmm. Richard Blackwood asked you for media advice. You didn't say anything about Donkey, did you? Please, God.

So I gave him my business card, and then he started texting me. And he kept asking me, but what was strange was that I say he asked me out for a date, he didn't ever ask me to go out out. He said, I'll come over and pick you up, and then you will go back to mine, which I didn't think was

very respectful. So that's why I didn't go on the date with Richard Blackwood. Also you don't want to be out with Richard Blackwood and people putting palm leaves in front of you. Little donkey. Yeah, no, he wasn't in

it very much but just he will be in the museum and the donkey I think we'll agree is a main feature of Shrek well I'm going to the opening night

so I'll do a show report on that maybe with Robert Palmer maybe with not maybe with Geoffrey Palmer we'll see how it goes but you can text us

on 812 15 by the way you've been asked out by Richard Blackwood yeah exactly or if you're Richard Blackwood We'll see how it goes. But you can text us on 812.15, by the way. You've been asked out by Richard Blackwood. Yeah, exactly. Or if you're Richard Blackwood. It all counts. Oh, that'll get ugly.

Yeah, well, why do you say that? Imagine texting with it. He's probably had the hooves welded on for the run of it. But that is brilliant, to be internationally trending on the strength of three minutes. That shows the power of Britain's Got Talent, doesn't it? I love a comeback. Oh, I love a comeback as well. My favourite was Kiss by Tom Jones,

when Tom Jones is sort of just a silly old... And he came back and when he says, I think I'd better dance now. And every time I did it, I used to say at home, think again. Because you're not going to dance, you're're going to do I don't know what that is what you look like is that a bear has been shot by somebody

with a knockout dart and then they've forced it into a suit and then when it's woken up it's trying to struggle out of it that's what that looks like there's no dancing involved this is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

And we've had a text from 533. It says, Emily, the correct pronunciation of controversy is controversy, not con-trov. No, he means controversy, not controversy. Controversy, not controversy. You spoon. Yeah, you drip. David from M4. You spoon. Yeah, you drip. David from M4.

Ah! You spoon. Now, is that an 80s insult, or is that he's actually just calling you? It's difficult to tell, because, you know, we get texted one word 80s insults quite a lot. And so it's really hard to sift out. Oh, we've actually had another one. Foo Fighters is to do with UFOs, you dipstick.

Again, can't tell. Again, can't tell. No, can't tell. To do? I like the explanation, though. It's to do with UFOs. That's cleared that up. Who cares? I never liked the Foo Fighters after they did that video

where they dressed as women on an aeroplane. Really? I don't like men with moustaches dressed as women. I don't... People think it's... people think you're thinking of the saturdays people think oh my what's happened what's he done frank he's become a bit um cutting edge the drip has sharpened my new bad boy image okay i'm I'm liking it. Well, I, you know, I'm not one to talk about

my good reviews on this show. No. But I had a review this week. I was virtually internationally trending on Twitter myself. Wow. Well, there was a tweet which said it was nice about me. It began like this. I have it here. I have it

verbatim. OK. Don't get all legal. I have it here. I have it verbatim. OK. Don't get all legal. Someone will say, actually, it's verbatim, you wazzock. This was, it began, that was the strangest haircut experience. Right? Mm-hmm. Actually, this is from the 19th century. It's a post-Sweeney Todd.

Sweet. No, and it says that... Was that Simon Cowell's? That was the strangest haircut experience. Frank Skinner in the chair next to me, entertaining the whole shop. Very funny. Oh, Frank, that's great.

So I don't read the Twitters, but my girlfriend, she does the Twitters. The tweets, darling. Yes. The tweets. Okay, sorry. She does the... No, the Twitters is, it's a novel by Beryl Bainbridge.

And I don't read it, but it's around. No, but my girlfriend, she does the Twitter search and she says, oh, I heard you were holding court, is what she said, which she doesn't use that phrase. She's picked it up and run with it. But I was, you know, and it turns out, so she tells me, that it's not just a man in the street or a man in the hairdressers. It's Steve Denyer, who works for Heart FM.

Oh! I say Denyer. It's D-N-Y-E-R. It could be Denyer. Oh, the producer might be familiar with his work. Actually, it could be a Denyer, because after his third tweet i heard a cockcrow oh very good three tweets and a cockcrow that's excellent i'm calling it the morning chorus yeah so um steve emma will know because you know she's a radio person do you know steve denier emma well that's not good for him because that's very much

your world yeah it is well well anyway it was very nice of could it be like is he the man who invented the 10 denier stocking oh well i'd love to meet him you know when you see stockings or tights and it says something like 25 denier i've never known what that meant but this he's obviously he's a bit like the richter scale as far as uh a nylon hosiery is concerned Steve Denyer, he also works on Heart FM. So was this a barber's just for DJs? Or was anyone allowed? I've been in a barber's

in Korea that was just for DJs No, that wasn't DJs No, he didn't announce himself, he's from Heart Personally, I wouldn't want to work for a radio station that was named after awful but you know but it was lovely so if steve denyer is listening which he probably wins because he

does drive time so i imagine he's he's probably live on a friday night somewhere yeah where he's um holding both hands in the air and getting people he's probably turning it down on um i have silver lining it says and it's and then the crow i'm seeing steve now in a baseball cap with the clapping hands where you pull the strings yeah so it's very sweet of him anyway and i shall be using that very funny heart fm it's gonna be on my posters poster Who knows what context it was in That's fine by me Frank on radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Absolute Radio That's Florence and the Machine Rabbit Heart Which I think that's like Rabbit Heart FM Which is a bit like You know you get Absolute 80s Which is all that 80s Rabbit Heart FM is very rabbit-themed.

Bright Eyes, Paul Simon. Yeah, that's... Art Garfunkel, if you don't mind. Oh, is it? Yeah, Paul Simon had nothing to do with it. I've made a fool of myself. Yeah, but thank God we got it out there before we had 58 texts from our listeners calling us...

Yeah, Lemon. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. So, big news. They're going to fine you in Barnsley for swearing in the street. What, you, Frank Skinner? Yes, if that enough. Well, they've been threatening it for a while, I'll be honest with you.

I think that's right. Do you? What do you think? I mean, I'm a massive fan of swearing, but I don't like it when it's when there's people, you know, you don't know, other people aren't. Or women and children. Not just women and children. I don't like it in the

street, loudly. I don't mind it whispered hogger mogger in the street, you know. I don't mind that. But when I hear people swearing, I think they're quite common. Campaigner Phil Davis from Barnsley Voice, which represents... Our regional news presenter.

Yeah, which represents businesses in the town centre. He said, there is nothing wrong with swearing, I do it every day. Huh? Sounds like some sort of... I said the Barnsley Voice is one I don't want to be hearing. I do it every day, but it's when it is targeted at someone. Yeah, well, that is. I mean, he doesn't mind when it just disappears into the ether.

I don't like it either way. Targeted or untargeted in a public place. It's like sneezing. You shouldn't do it at someone. No. And I think that's... I saw something this week that I found appalling public behaviour and made me... Was it Shrek on Britain's Got Talent?

She can really sing, that woman. She's quite nice. Very unique. I saw Amanda in Sweet Charity. Oh, yeah. Shop. No, in a Sweet Charity shop, yeah. No, and she's talented.

I think, you know, Cheryl Cole they call the national treasure. Maybe it should be Amanda Holden. She's the national treasure. She's very reminiscent of the Staffordshire Horde. Horde. Okay, right. Horde.

Well, I made a terrible mistake as well because I thought Nigel Harmon was Shrek. I thought, oh, he looks a bit funny. Yeah. Could have been. No, we went to the park with Ethan this week. And it's partly being a parent. You see things in a new way.

We went to the park and there were two, like, they must have been 16, 17-year-old boys playing tennis over the fence of the park. So it was the fence around the park. And they were playing. One was either side of the fence. How high is this fence? Like, probably, you know, tennis net size. Oh. so it was the fence around the park and they were playing one was either side of the fence how high is this fence like probably you know tennis net size oh but like properly whacking the ball into the park where there are children playing well hold on ball in park scandal that's fair enough

no but the thing was on that well it's very dangerous for one thing, and it was a children's park by the children's swings. Little children scampering around. Yeah. And on the fence, there was a no-ball-game sign. Well, where were you, 1973? You are not supposed to... There's also a don't-talk-to-strangers sign, which is very... So you couldn't even tell them about it?

No. That's annoying, isn't it? Did you tell them about it? oh well you were scared am i right i was scared drip the ball was going very fast you'd have got short shrift that's what i think which is a tennis shot i don't know if you're aware it's a charity shop it's a charity shop for mini skirts no that's thrift thrift A short shift, maybe, could be a sort of short underwear. Oh, shut up. By the way, Sandy War, who reads the news for us and the travel,

told me that petrichor is the code word for reactivating the TARDIS. Is that right? That explains why it keeps appearing. Yeah. So, yeah, because I said it earlier, and I heard this... And look round. Yeah. But there you go, you see.

You think that she's all serious because she reads the news, but no, she's a hoo-fat. Wow. DW. She's a Richard Blackwood. Added a whole new element. Yeah. So, yeah, I'll tell you what public behaviour I'm not partial to.

Children chasing and trying to kick pigeons. I see that a lot, and parents don't seem to reprimand them for it. It really winds me up. I'm thinking of splashing out some money on some quite flimsy, just outer shells of pigeons, which i can fill with wasps so when the child gives it a mighty hoof they they're completely encased like that man on the in the wasp beard advert on the telly maybe then they'd think twice or even three times about doing again i'd like to know if i was a proper DJ, what our listeners, what public behaviour annoys them

and they think should be punished. I'm picturing you in your workshop fashion in the case of a pigeon and then trying to fill it with wasps. Yeah. Oh, that's a... Let's do it. Shall we do it? They'll go straight from a tube into the rear of it. I won't be handling the wasps.

Do you think I am stupid? The other thing I don't like, public behaviour that gets on my nerves, is getting in my way. Oh, dear. Yeah. Just in general, in life. Just some people.

I know people walk slowly, some people, but you get, I mean, somebody with a large behind and two carrier bags, they're like a mobile human cul-de-sac. You can't get round those people. It's a big obstacle. I saw... I didn't do this, but I honestly tied with the idea. There was a very slow-moving family in front of me.

It was parents and a child holding both their hands. So they took the whole pavement off. The whole pavement area. So parents on each side, child in the middle, holding hands. And I tied with the idea of leaping the child. I could have gone over it easy. It was quite short. But imagine the parents' horror

when a man came over the child's head from behind them. Oh, they'd think it exploded. It'd be like Alien or something like that. This is a good, this is a very fine track. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

That was Metronomy. That's some funky bass. With The Bay. Which someone should bet on. You know that? I put my money on the bobtail nag, somebody bet on the bay. Do you know that from Doodah Doodah? eBay, is it?

Yeah, it's, you know, the Camptown ladies sing this song, Doodah. Frank, you were talking about... Oh, my my calm down you were talking about public behavior or we were that we found a little offensive and you were specifically talking about families that walked in front of you yes um i'll tell you what i don't like i actually would say i'd go so far as to say men shouldn't be allowed to walk in groups of uh than two. Because three men, they block it. They block the pavement. Yeah, it is.

And then I feel like more than two is a gang. And I don't want to navigate the T-Birds. It's a bit the boys are back in town. You feel that wherever they go, those men, they should have a small speaker playing the boys are back in town. Yeah. No, it's quite intimidating.

When you walk down the road and I see three men, I look desperately for a woman amongst them because that normally means peace. Well, I look desperately for a man. it's quite intimidating. When you walk down the road and I see three men, I look desperately for a woman amongst them, because that normally means peace. I look desperately for a man. That's another story. Yeah, but if men walk in groups like that... They need to be responsible. And they're going to be, you know, trainers' jeans and maybe even a baseball cap. And don't laugh loudly, either. That irritates me. No, that's threatening. Any kind of raised voice, I'm frightened to death.

Or signs of happiness yeah of course there was a 16th century french writer who said that london was just one long shout which i always liked frank you know you said uh you didn't like hi-ho silver lining or you're being a little disparaging i said it's a thing that djs do okay they take that bit down and everyone sings along. OK, well, James, it says, Frank, you were at a Millennium Party, a New Year's Eve party, 1999, along with another celebrity. I was the DJ, playing Hi-Ho Silver Lining

and getting the crowd to sing the chorus while lowering the volume. You were standing behind me on the stage, dancing and happily joining in. Guilty pleasure, perhaps? Love the show, James. Ah, well, there that. I remember that night, because it was dry, that party. age dancing and happily joining in guilty pleasure perhaps love the show james oh well that they're that i remember that night because that was it was dry that party it was a sort of alcoholics

um welcoming the millennium fun was it fun it wasn't it was tedious in the extreme um but uh yeah you're doing your best i was trying yeah i was trying you know you know when you're sober you really try hard to pretend you're enjoying yourself. But of course, as you know, enjoying yourself when you're sober is almost impossible. In any context. We'll stop with it. But I remember that. You were partying like it was 1999.

Yeah, it was 1999, actually. Yeah. Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking about that shirt I had on. Yeah, 1999 from... I'd have given them 20. But, you know, they said not 1999. I hung around for the change. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Welcome to Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That was Somewhere in My Heart by Aztec Camera. You might notice a slight catch in my voice. I don't need to think I've got very emotional about the Aztec Camera track. I was completely indifferent to it, cold even. But this is a bit of an emotional moment on um the frank skinner absolute radio show um because um i feel i am having a limb removed uh gareth is about to say goodbye

yes timing as impeccable as it has been oh does that mean previous two years what a drip no i um yeah the drip has finally been stopped i told that plumber no i've um i've decided um to leave the show it's been a really difficult decision but i am i'm at a point where i think i need to concentrate on my stand-up comedy. I know. And, um, no. So, goodbye. I, um, I'd like to, I'd like to make a speech. Oh.

That wasn't it. No. There's more. That was premature. Sorry. If you can put that on loop. Does it go on repeat? You'd know how to work the desk by now.

Yeah, I've worked that out for two years. I want to hear the speech because I might be mentioned. OK, let's do it. I'm really hoping that you're a very noticeable absentee. I'd like to just thank everyone on the show for having me. Thank you, Frank. It's been such an amazing opportunity. Like, when you you start off and i'm going to be serious okay oh god i know you're gonna say no change there but um i um it's been it's it's so difficult starting comedy you feel like um a drop in the ocean and

for someone to help you a drip in the ocean and for someone to help you a drip in the ocean and for someone to um to support you in the way that you have and had me on the show it's been absolutely amazing oh god i'm going i'm going i'm slipping away an incredible comedy apprentice 18 pounds a shot and um i've got that petrichor moment when my eyes are watering i know you've fought for me to be on the show at times now No, you'll get your grand people. Don't worry, your grand people. He's not a wazzock. You know, I'm not foolproof.

Maybe a bit of a gem. So thank you so much. It's been an incredible experience. I'm starting to think now we should have just not mentioned it and got someone else playing Gareth next week, like they did with Lucy in Neighbours. Maybe Melissa Bell could have come in. What do you think, Gareth?

Well, I was saying to Laura the other week... Down in the Lassiters. Sounds like Melissa Bell. Emily, you've been the good-looking big sister I never had. Thank you so much for looking after me. Like, you look after everyone. You're such a lovely person. I'd have said mother.

Even at this stage, you were frightened to say mother. Hutted like a pig. No, it's the big sister I've never had, and, you know, bossing me around, pulling my hair. Are you sure this isn't a bit of an over-response to just one appearance on Russell Howell? I don't need to think now it's just easy all the way there are ups and downs in this crazy old world of show business i'd like to thank the people who laugh in the background emma

you've been amazing daisy sent a lovely text um explain it and um rosanna thank you everyone and most of all i'd like to thank the listeners. 339, you've been amazing. 278, 131. 131 has just texted in. Sorry to see you go, Gareth. It's been a lot of pun. It's been a lot of pun at last. I miss you most of all, 131.

450, 611. 533. Oh, 670. I'm surprised you mentioned 670 after the incident we'll miss you so much we will miss you at least we'll always have

which I think we might keep with your permission as an eternal jingle well it is quite an emotional moment but um you know you're basically saying that you're leaving to spend more time with your family which usually is a super injunction i want to love to talk about why i'm really going no don't say that or people will think it's going to be no it it has Anyway Gareth despite this emotional

farewell will be on Not The Weekend podcast It's a bit like you know when you've been on holiday and met friends with someone you give them a big hug at the airport and then they're at the taxi round Yeah it's like that We will miss you terribly We really will

We've been here from the beginning and we've sort of it is like a little family so it's terrible but hey we'll still come and see your show and make remarks we might even come to Bournemouth

I'm not committed so anyway next week it'll be me, Emily and Cheryl Cole, who was at a loose end. People said to me the accent won't work. I don't agree.

I think it'll be absolutely fine. Ben Jones is next. And Gareth, goodbye. And God bless you, my friend. Thank you. Goodbye. Thank you so much. And not now, Tina.

It's a bit appropriate, isn't it? This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.