The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Left Wing Business Names

Episode Date: June 18, 2011

Frank, Emily and new boy Alun Cochrane were talking left wing business names. And hear about Frank's awkward moment with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Welcome to, um, I think I'll call it the breakfast show. Oh, I like that.

Don't expect the OC, though. No, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and I'm with Alan. Yeah. Or the cockerel, as we now call him. Oh, I like the cockerel. It's the first thing in the morning. Yes.

One seeks the sound of the Cockerel. Wake up to the Cockerel crowing. How are you feeling about the Cockerel? Well, you know, casually indifferent, I think. We should explain that Alan's surname is Cochran, and I said that last week, but certainly one listener didn't quite get it and now thinks he's called Alan Cockerel.

But it is a great... Like I say, when you get your own breakfast show on the radio, you'll be able to say, yes, it's the Cockrell Crow. And when it starts, then you'll hit a jingle that goes... What a brilliant start, isn't it? It's the best ever start to the morning. It'll be a fantastic beginning. I hope some people are hearing this.

Yeah, well, I'm sure. Oh, we've got listeners, don't you worry. No, I didn't mean that. I meant decision makers. I could get a breakfast show. Yeah, well, that could happen. But, God, it's only his second week and he's already looking... I know.

He's very ambitious, Frank. It's a fine line, isn't it, with ambition between something admirable and something despicable. I've always thought that. I'd like to ask your advice, actually, Alan. You being an intelligent man. I was going to say a man of the world, but I don't know that I like people who say,

you being a man of the world. I'm trying to get rid of these phrases that people casually use. What, will I be saying soon that I'm going to be suited and booted and think that that's all right when it certainly is not all right? I've already said indeed. You are policing yourself today, aren't you? I am. You have to in life, I think. Otherwise, standards, they drag down.

Chaos. Yeah. No, but people on local news on the telly, somebody will say, so that was a strange old tale. And they'll go, indeed. That's what they always say, as if to say, let's just, you know, they could easily go,

and it wouldn't mean any more or any less. So that's... So what's the advice you're offering? Well, I went, I mean, it's a bit late now, really. I went to a party with Emily Dean last weekend. You don't need advice on that. Because you're the new kid on the block.

You're not really part of our social set. But we went to a party. You like the way I laugh nastily. And I was wondering what you thought about this, Alan. It was the lady of the house. It was her birthday, where we went and I bought a doormat.

Did you? Did you as a birthday gift? Yeah. To me it sounds more housewarming than birthday. I know what you mean, but it was it wasn't just a run of the mill. It had ants on it. Ants? I mean, but it wasn't just a run-of-the-mill. I mean, it had... It had ants on it.

It had ants on it, yeah. Giant ants? Ants. I mean, a portrayal of ants. It didn't have the actual creatures. Oh, OK. If it didn't when you got it, it will do soon. Well, I suppose it will, but, you know, that's not my business.

I've handed it over. I think the official hand... But I wasn't... I had a bit of a last... You know when you're handing over a gift and they unwrap it in front of you and you get a sense of terrible dread? Right, yeah i'm a i'm a doormat enthusiast i don't know about you but i think i use doormats more with more gusto than your average person i'll sometimes virtually go over my ankle to do like the sides of the soles you know because sometimes mod can he can uh he can

crawl around he can he can definitely it's like a hand gripping the lower part of the shoe i take the very tips of the fingers of that model i really i i i never i'm not one of those but some people will step over it like it's a like it's a ditch like it's the chair at Aintree. Well, Frank, worry not, because I can exclusively reveal that your present was a huge success. Is that right? Yes, the doormat went down very well. I'd even say you wiped the floor with everyone else. I'm loving that.

You know that moment when all the guests have gone and you sit down and look at your presents and go, oh, God, can you believe? And it was a winner. It was. And Jane said she particularly liked the remark you made when you handed it over. You said that you felt she was confident enough not to be offended by the symbolism of handing her a doormat as a woman. I mean, say if it was the birthday of Ryan Giggs' wife, I probably wouldn't have chosen.

Get something more empowering. Exactly. Maybe an axe. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What's going on? Extraordinary ending. Have you not heard the end of that song?

There's always this fucking bit. That's not an audience, is it? That's a bunch of hangers-on. Yeah. Hangers-on who've been pressured by... Look, do you want to hang around with us? Do you want the free Fred Perry shirts or not? OK, we'll clap and cheer.

I don't know about shopping in Clare. I'm not sure about it. It's not very mank, is it? That's the sort of debates that went on, which have been cut out of the... I've got a funny feeling if you listen carefully to the end of that song, somebody says, has anybody got a Ford Cortina parked outside? Really?

Right at the end, right at the end. Well, we're not playing it back. No. What was we talking about before? Oh, we were talking about gifts and feeling nervous about handing them over. I got a gift this week. I got a dandy notebook. Oh.

You know dandy, the well-known children's comic. Right, not a notebook suggesting you are a dandy. No, it's a lace frill around the front cover. Go with your cravat. I didn't like the dandy. It was the Beano for naughty children. Oh. Did you think? Yes, that's what I... Aill around the front cover. Go with your cravats. I didn't like the dandy. It was the Beano for naughty children. Oh. Did you think?

Yes, that's what I... A bit like Tiz was. I thought the Beano was best, but I was very happy with the dandy. I mean, it's got Desperate Dan on the cover and all that. It was a gift from... Some of you who listen to the show regularly will know that my girlfriend's sister, Rachel, was...

She was staying with us. So I'm living in the house with two ladies. And just like Man About the House, this is the theme, in case you've been wondering over the weeks why I do that when I talk about it. Yeah, so she left this week. So now it's just me and my girlfriend. So she's gone. To be honest, the whole Ryan Giggs, Rodri thing,

it took the sheen off the whole domestic situation. It suddenly seems quality. What a scene spot. The sheen off it, the goddesses. Yeah, it did. You know, it seemed lovely and noble and communal and suddenly it felt dark. So we threw her out.

Hasn't that man caused enough pain? Who, Rodri? No, not Rodri. He's one of my favourite celebrities. Wasn't he regularly chased by Wile E. Coyote? Rodri. So, sorry, she bought you the dandy? She bought me the dandy notebook.

She didn't buy me a copy of the dandy. OK, I was going to say. It was lovely. I love a notebook. One of my favourite things is stationery. Oh, yeah, people love stationery. Oh, God, yeah. And a notebook. Every time I hold a fresh new notebook, I think, this could be where I write my pet sounds.

Right, nice. Yeah. It seems, from today, what I have gleaned... When have when i say i don't mean meow i mean like brian wilson of the beach bars he wrote this like seminal album which and everyone i think i like to think every creative performer has got a pet sound yeah is it magnum opus is that what people say this might be where i well i don't drink champagne but very probably yes magnum., fan of that. Yeah. Frank, we've had an email in this week.

Have we had any texts on 8-12-15? We might have. OK. Now, the reason I like this is because it's addressed properly. By properly, I mean, dear Frank, Emily and Alan. They're already down with the new Triumphal. And are they spelling it, Alan, with a U? They are.

That's good. Would you like to hear it? Yeah. No. Okay. It's enough for me just to know that it came. Here's two of my recent food-related idiotic eureka moments. Now, I have to explain because

we do have some, occasionally, new listeners hang around a lot of them are still listening this far into the show and an idiotic eureka moment something we've had on the show for ages it's when you suddenly realise after ages you suddenly get

a joke or a pun or some sort of the example the BT adverts a woman called BT used to advertise BT. It took me over a year to get that reference. I realised last year that the Good Life was a pun on

Barbara and Tom Good's name. I didn't know that until last year. No, yeah, exactly. There you go. In fact, I had one this week. How was it? There's a, if you walk down Bloomsbury in London, I had one this week. How was it? There's a, there's a, if you walk down Bloomsbury in London, you know London. Yeah. I like the Samuel Pepys beginning. Yeah, there's a, there's a left-wing bookshop and it's called Bookmarks. I'm familiar with it.

Yeah. And it only just struck me for the first time this week. Oh! Marks. Yes! But it's M-A-R-K-S. Oh, they're not worried about minor details like that. Yeah, but that's the first time. And it's the first time it's ever struck me, that bookmarks. Are you with me, Alan? You're looking confused.

I am, but I just wonder why they didn't go with the X. No, exactly. Well, the one that... The left-wing garage down the road, it's called Skidmarks, with an X. I got that immediately. I don't...

Yeah, they slipped up there. And then the fascist bookshop is down the road, which is called Book Hitler. Which is not a cleverer pun, but I got it. I got it immediately now go on so this um oh then there's the uh the left wing supplier of a duvet cover sheets and

pillowcases bed linen oh that's good frank someone will open that shop now i don't know whatever a bed linen place that was left wing would manifest itself. A lot of red, a lot of red stuff. Oh, I like that. Good use of manifest there. I almost manifest there. Is that where we're going? We've got more of this.

We'd better play some adverts, actually. What about this idiotic week? You can do it after that. I'm afraid in a discussion of Marxism, capitalism has broken its way in like an intruder at a party. And here it comes. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some other left-wing businesses.

Really? Yes. Is it the absolute radio left-wing businesses phoning? 895, Russian Walking and Winter sports, trotskis. Trotskis? Yes. Trots, I suppose. Yeah.

Oh, that's a good one that's just arrived. Communist temping agency, office angles. That's good. Oh, man, I'm loving it, loving it, loving it. I'm loving it, loving it, loving it. I'm loving it like that. Do you want to hear the end of this email that I started? Can I just say, those texts came in on 8-12-15. If anyone's at home with an itchy thumb, you receive my meaning.

OK. Can I just say, lovely bit of housekeeping there. Thank you. Thanks very much. Yes, I'd better watch out for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, the very thought. Sorry. And I find he's inclined to return as well. Yeah, he will be back.

Have you ever met him, by the way? I have met him. Oh, me too. Have you met him, Alan? No, I haven't. OK. I met a complete fool of myself I have met him. Oh, me too. Have you met him, Alan? No, I haven't. OK. I met a complete fool of myself when I met him. Did you?

Yeah. Well, this was... So did I, but I'm getting the maintenance. You don't want to hear the story, do you? I do. Funny enough, I... Alan, do you want to hear about when Frank made a fool of himself in front of Arnie? I'm gripped.

Well, actually, I told it. That was the problem. I told this story on television recently, but I don't think it goes out. It hasn't gone out yet. I'll tell you what happened very briefly. I met him, this was years and years ago, when he was a massive, I mean, still, I think pre-Terminator 2 it might have even been.

Certainly pre-being a politician. And I met him and I had to do a little interview with him on stage in front of a group of people. he held out his hand for a low five. I had no idea. I'd seen a high five but I'd never seen a low five before. I just didn't know what it was so he held out his hand and I thought it was a handshake so I sort of had to lean right over to shake his hand you know because it was at the wrong angle so i i sort of leaned over to my left and and shook and shook it normally and he said to me he'd been complaining about the heat before this woman had dabbed his brow and he said to me it's supposed to be a low five and i said yeah it's much warmer than that and which is actually not a bad gag if you know you're doing it,

which I didn't. Oh, right. I honestly didn't know what he was talking about. I'd been confused by the hand. I'd never seen a low five. It was just embarrassing. We conducted the rest of it in German and everything was fine. Thank goodness for your grasp of German.

Actually, that story didn't go any better on the telly. Frank, can you stop self-reviewing whilst we're in the middle of a radio show? Sorry. Can I continue with the email from Anon? Yes, please. From Anon. Is it Sister Wendy? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, here's two of my recent food-related idiotic eureka moments.

That's what we were explaining earlier. I bit into an apple, saying to my friend, this tastes like cider. Excellent. And whilst eating my Sunday dinner, I was thinking I should put the slice of beef in some bread, as it tasted like a burger. I'm revising for my A-levels at the moment. Bye. Don't bother. Best of luck. That's my advice.

Can I just say, I love bye as well. Sounded quite dramatic, like the relationship was ending. Yeah. Bye. Sounds to me like his apple was on the turn. Yes. If he's got inside a whiff from it. That's great that he thought he'd invented a burger

by putting beef in the middle of bread. What I'd be really impressed by now is if someone texted and said, I was eating a pear last week, and I said to a friend, this tastes like peri. Because peri is something that seems to have disappeared. No one drinks peri anymore. And people call it pear cider now, don't they? Do they? Yeah.

They don't call it peri. It's called, like, conversationally, people say, oh, I'll have that pear cider. I'll be frank with you, this is the first conversation I've had about Perry in any of its manifestations for about ten years. And I'm enjoying it. Good. They call it commercial pear cider.

I was afeard that it might go, well, shall we say pear-shaped? Frank, 964, Cuban left- Petroleum Company, Castro Loyal. This is our best phone-in ever. There aren't enough left-wing retail outlet phone-ins on commercial radio. I suppose it's against the very spirit of the thing. This is, I'm going to play, I'd like to, well, never mind what I'd like to do. You can't always get what you want. I thought Mick Jagger pointed out many years ago.

Was he even at the Coke convention? What was he talking about? Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, some of the listeners seem to have changed their allegiance now, their political allegiance. We're now getting some right-wing retail suggestions in. I think it's OK to send in a left-wing retail outlet without being left-wing.

I think one can look at it objectively. But we are getting some great ones. It's on 8-12-15, some of you may have forgotten. Fascist Pharmacy, Jack Boots. That's great. We certainly shouldn't take these as evidence that these people have these political leanings. It's almost like they're not taking those political views completely seriously.

I like right-wing taxi firm Hail Hitler. On the subject of the man who put beef into some bread and thought this is like a burger, I had a strange moment this week. I live in Manchester, as I think you may be aware. And in fact, it was as you rang me this week, Frank, I was on the train eating a corned beef, cheese and onion bread roll served hot. And it occurred to me that...

Corned beef, cheese and onion served hot? Yeah. I it occurred to me that... Corned beef cheese and onions served hot. I'm liking the sound of it. Well, I like the sound of it, but I was surprised that it was available to buy. That seems to me to be the sort of... Almost like I'm not really one for a guilty pleasure, but I think if your pleasures are legal, then just enjoy them.

But that, to me, is more of a domestic sandwich than a commercially available purchase sandwich. I was surprised that anybody other than me had bought it that day and just wondered, is that normal? Am I strange? Or did you go OM to order it? OM, off menu? Oh, Alan, well done!

No, it was just there. That was partly the thing. I thought, well, I would possibly even ask for it now that I've had it. You see, I thought you meant, did you go old man? I thought it was, could I have a cheese? And then at the end when it was handed over, said matcha blind.

That's what I thought was coming. Remember, you don't have to say indeed, you can say... But I occasionally put beetroot into a homemade sandwich, and some people... I think he's going to say beetroot into a hole, then. It was something to do with your accent.

It's a hobby of mine. Yes. What, when you're replanting them? Yeah, beetroot in a homemade sandwich. I love beetroot. But you wouldn't expect that to be in a shop-bought one, would you? Well, I tell you, a few years ago, I noticed that it suddenly got cool beetroot, and you can get it in Soho sandwich shops now. Oh, no.

Yeah. Oh, I don't think that'll catch on nationally. I, um... Might be fashionable in these parts. I don't know about you, but I see all food, really, as just an excuse for eating pickle. Nice. All I want to eat is pickle really

but you've got to put some under it you can't just pour it onto your hand like a coaster basically that's what i do because i don't eat really eat bread much anymore i have rice cakes those circular rice cakes they are really just no more than a plinth for pickle because food compared to pickle is a pretty poor substitute wouldn't you say Those circular rice cakes, they are really just no more than a plinth for pickle. Because food compared to pickle is a pretty poor substitute, wouldn't you say? No. I can't bear pickle. I don't like corned beef. I don't like onion. I do like sausage and cream cheese.

Ooh, I've heard that. I find with a rice cake, they won't grip food the way a sandwich will. No. Thick food can fall off. Pickled onion. Do you remember those games when you used to get a face in a little circular thing and two ball bearings and you had to round... Yes. Get them in the eyes.

Well, that's what... I'll use a piece of Swiss cheese on a rice cake with a couple of pickled onions and I'll be there for five or ten minutes before it's edible. It's a meal and a pastime for you, isn't it? Exactly. Food can be fun. Frank, Sar phone warehouse? SAR as in?

Yes, oh very much so. You could argue that was pre-left wing of course. I mean, you don't get much more pre-left wing than the SAR of Russia. Yes, excellent. Any more? I wonder what's happened to the people who were appointed Tsars under New Labour. You know, they had like a crime Tsar and a drug Tsar. Do you think they're now in a job centre going,

I'm just looking for work as a Tsar. I think they probably were. Alpha-powered and now it's the crime Politburo. Yeah. Actually, probably not. I can't see David Cameron thinking that was a brilliant idea. Speaking of slimy politicians, by the way, what about that

Boris Johnson's mate? Oh, Tom Campbell. Tom Campbell. He's an aide. He's an aide. Yes. And he nicks stuff from Major chain. Yeah, never yet in a chain store, whatever he nicked stuff from major chain

never yet in a chain store whatever that is like Nandos I think he named and Pret a Manger Nando's Nandos makes it sound like something on a Star Trek Nandos was the Mexican Dalek

when you said Nandos there, I wondered if it was some kind of left-wing pun. I was running through my head going, I can't quite work it out. What would it be, Nandos? It probably could be one if we think for long enough. Of course, Dossie, you weren't on the show

when I used to talk about this, but that's what we used to do as kids. We'd say, I'll come round your house and have a Doss. Oh, yeah, Doss about. Yeah. So if a lot of old women did that... How dare you? Why are you looking at me? I was waiting for you to say it would be a nandoss, but you didn't.

So now I've had to answer my own... Anyway. Anyway, so meanwhile, over at the Cultural Strategy Office... Yes, that's what he was. He was the cultural strategist for Boris Johnson. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with stealing from anything. Yeah, he made a gaffe, didn't he, by admitting it. He shouldn't have done it in the first place.

I've taken a few broken chairs out of skips over the years. You know when the wooden seat or plastic seat comes separate from the metal, so it's thrown away. That can be bound into place, I've found. And do you ever hear people shout skip rats at you? No. Because I do that all the time. If someone's in a skip as I'm on the street at the end of the road,

I'll go, skip rats! Really? Oh, yeah, all the time. That's because you're six foot four and can get away with such things. Because I could shout it from the back of my limousine through an opened window. But, you know, Prince Charles tried that and what happened? No, I think it's rubbish.

I mean, I have Nick the Odd Pamphlet from book Hitler, but I find that acceptable. Surely that was allowed. Actually, if you had a shop that wasn't a chain store, could you call it we have nothing to lose but our chains another marxist but where's the moral compass on this because um i that was stolen it's been yeah he nicked it stole that from the fishing shop my mum and i were once in uh in a commercial uh cafe like i thought you were going to say commercial no no she's not in show business

anyway and the and we i said oh i'd like a jacket potato and beans and the man sort of a bit conspiratorially said if i put the cheese in first and put the beans on top it'll cover the cheese so her at the till won't charge you an extra 60p or whatever. But really conspiratorial. And I loved it. I went, that is brilliant, thanks mate. And then my mum went, I'll have the same. Can you do it in the same way?

Oh, that's a terrible story. That's how it creeps in. I suppose, yeah. Am I a monster? Am I a moral monster now? I'd have said, look, don't try and get me involved in your petty criminality. In fact, I'm going to report you to the lady. That's what I would have done.

I've just broadcast it. I wouldn't be surprised if you make a citizen's arrest. I could. I think I'd be fully justified. I just can't reach over my console. I do this from my car. I don't know if you're aware of that. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. A console. I do this from my car, I don't know if you're aware of that. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about this man who works for Boris Johnson,

who's not any more Tom Campbell, because he doesn't pay for... He's a course. When he goes for a meal in a chain store, he doesn't pay for either the starter or the dessert. That's the kind of crazy rebel. He says he sometimes steals the soup. How does he pull that one off? Especially with a name like Campbell.

That seems wrong. He should condense it. The old family tradition. If I was in... You know when in Waterstones they have those three-for-two offers? If I nicked three books with those stickers on, would I only get done for stealing two?

This is why judges have to be extremely clever. Exactly. That's why you can't have a computer doing it, you see. It's not the sort of thing the common man can deal with. Exactly. That has to be weighed in the balance, as they say, in that line of work. I'm not a fan of theft, really, though, Frank, on the whole.

I don't approve. No, it's horrible. And also, if this was a desperate man living on the streets, you know, you could maybe sit like, you know, like the loaf in Le Miserable. Or a crime and punishment sort of thing. Yeah, one of those. But not the cultural, whatever it is, cultural strategist for London. Cultural strategy manager.

He can, you know, God, he can pay for a bowl of Molligatoni. I should think. I should think so too. Why did he own up as well, if he must do? It's bragging. Yeah, I think that's the mistake, isn't it? It's a slight vanity thing. You know, this is fun. Yeah, you see, I fell for it. I wish I'd interviewed, I owned up to my part

in the murder of Lord Lucan in 1977. It was, I mean, why bring, he hadn't even asked me about it, it was just attention seeking. I've learned since then to keep my guard up in interviews. But,

that was terrible. Are you an owner-op? I don't mind saying inappropriate things. I wish you'd told us that before we gave you this job. Oh, no. But no, I haven't got many crimes to confess to except stealing cheese or condoning the theft of cheese in, I believe, a BHS cafe or somewhere like that.

Once upon a time, you know. A BHS cafe? He's on a retainer from them. The cheese and beans story from a moment ago. I haven't forgotten. All right, good. You're kidding, that'll live with me forever. Yeah.

Have we had any texts? We have. George Barnes, Yorkshire, a Chinese communist music magazine. Mao, that's what I call music. I think we'll leave it there. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank, ceramicware, pole pottery.

Love it. Just saying. That's 700. Great number, 700. Well done. Frank, can I talk about something that rather obsessed me this week? Well? Did you...

Take That did a series of sell-out gigs. Well, that's pretty amazing in itself. If there's one thing that surprises me in popular culture, it is the return of Take That. Thanks, that doesn't like Take That, Alan. Just FYI. OK. Noted. OK. Alan, just FYI. Okay. Noted.

Okay. DN, duly noted. Oh he's getting so into it Frank, I love it. There's a girl at our school called duly noted. Anyway. It is a very 70s Birmingham name. Tom Campbell is a big fan of take that. Oh, excellent.

Excellent work Frank. Tom Campbell is the Boris Johnson aide. Thief, shoplifting. What I'm giving you there is a sort of a little comedy workshop you can play at home. So go on, Take That. The reason I mention Take That is not just

to irritate you, but I thought it was quite interesting because did you read that middle-aged women, as they're called, in a slightly contemptuous way, the papers have called them... Well, I... No, but they went on to say middle-aged female fans got so drunk, apparently, at the gigs

that they actually... It caused hospital admissions in the Manchester area to soar around that time. Like, apparently. Well, take that fans should have been treated for disappointment no somewhere treated for sprained ankles that's embarrassing trying to do dance moves oh mum's trying to do dance they've got the heels on you know first time for ages but no they said doctors had treated something like over 160 extra patients

because they were just they couldn't handle their liquor. The ladies get drunk, they go out, get to a bit of here come the girls. Next thing you know, they're losing the handbag, crying. It's mad, isn't it? Because surely watching Take That Now is a bit like watching Take That Then, but with beer goggles on.

They're all a bit fatter and slower. They just look a bit wobblier. Isn't it just middle-aged women? I'm guessing that they're sort of like the Chippendales with clothes on. Yeah. That's why people go. They don't go for the music, do they? They do.

Don't be ridiculous. What, to gloat? As I've said before on this show, I wouldn't go and see Tate that if they were playing in my kitchen. And I have an open pan flat, so I have an open pan as well, but otherwise, you know, it gets messy. But I wouldn't move from the sofa to that little bit across to the kitchen if they were playing in there.

I've got the idea we now all have to picture your flat, everybody that's listening. Picture my enormous living area. Take that at one end, I think, oh, I might go for a walk around the block by the time you're finishing off. And then a load of middle-aged women passed me on the way out.

Drunk. If they were playing in your kitchen and you fancied a cup of tea, would you just go, I'll have it later? No, I'd get my arms through the straps of my backpack flamethrower and deal with them. Not a fan is what I'm here for. Also, Robbie, when he was a solo artist, he was a massive star.

And now I'm starting to think he was just... Oh, I was never a fan. Was he just take that advance party for checking out stadium gigs? The recce. He was all, I hate, I didn't like him in that, striding around in that frock coat like he owned the place. Oh, I like that. I like when he does that thing with his mouth.

Oh, can't bear it. No, that was Robin. Now he's like a broken man. You know when people, some men go and get married and then the marriage breaks down and they have to go back and live with their parents. What tragic figures they've become. That's what Rob is. No, it's

awful. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Woost. Sorry Mark, I jumped in on you. I forgot pa at the end. Sorry, Mark. I jumped in on you. I forgot. Pa! At the end. Oh, never forget Pa.

No, that was feeling numb by the fall. He will be now. Yeah. Saturday morning, quarter past nine. He won't be up yet, I think. Won't he? One of the things I read in an interview with him that he was very proud about was the fact that he'd never set his alarm clock in about 35 years. That's good, isn't it?

That's what's great about being a pop star, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Got another email in. A broken Britain broadcaster, Asbo Loot Radio. Oh. I thought I'd see how that went.

Actually, I made that up. Yeah, you didn't really get an email. I think I'd pretend we don't get emails. We get emails occasionally. We get them in the week. We don't have time to read emails I think I'd pretend we don't get emails. We get emails occasionally. We get them in the week. We don't have time to read emails. What do you think we are? There's plenty today of left-wing businesses.

Yeah, but we do get texts on 8, 12, 15, and don't we love it? Well, in fact, we were talking about Take That and the drunken middle-aged woman. How dare you? And we've had a text in from 376. I feel exactly the same about Take That. They're horrible. I'm an older lady in an office of ladies.

I keep it to myself for fear of injury. Oh, yeah, they would maul you for that. An older lady in an office of ladies. I'm seeing Mike Baldwin walking up and down the aisles, making sure she's getting the jeans, the pocket of the jeans right. Lovely. Well, Lisa, I mean, of course, we all love different music. You know, it separates and unites.

So if you like, take that. That's absolutely fine. Now, get the jacket back on. Just relax. But I sympathise with that lady, Frank, because I feel I am... I wouldn't describe myself as an older lady in an office of like older ladies um however i do feel slightly older than my years perhaps for example frank and i were at a party this week the one we mentioned earlier where frank bought a doormat yeah um no that's not a reference to my girlfriend okay she just did it that's definitely not a

doormat i bought someone an actual one of those what what is that matting called um used to get it in the used to drag it out the pe cupboard yes i think we call it the coconut mats i think we call it right yeah i doubt it's made from coconut but we had to drag them out that was one of your big jobs and they're always all the bean bags were on top of them you had to move them out. That was one of your big jobs. And they were always, all the beanbags were on top of them. You had to move that. The hoops. You did that in your black pimpsils. Oh. Yeah, Empire Maid.

A lot of pathos, that scene for me. But yeah, what, now Frank, halfway through the evening, everyone else was knocking back the margaritas. What did we go and do, Frank? What did you ask me? At about, I'd say it was about five to ten. Well, I was desperate. As I get at parties, if I stay for more than 20 minutes,

I really want a cup of tea. Of course. The thing, you know, the food there was very nice, but they never bring tea round. And so we went. There was all these people dancing. There was young people talking about, you know, science, stuff that young people talk about.

And we went past all that into the kitchen and we made a nice, nice cup of tea. Nice cup of tea. Oh, it was lovely. But I noticed after the tea, I then put my slippers on. That was about five past ten. I didn't notice that.

You didn't notice the chop. You took your slippers to the party? Well, I am staying at my friend's at the moment. Oh, you're a house guest, of course. And then I went to bed so early, the dog stayed up later than me the shih tzu in the boston terrier was still up wow how do you know that and i'd already gone to bed because i heard them later coming up to bed i heard the dogs coming up to bed will they ever bed the dog

don't ask too many questions about the dog's sleeping arrangements okay well that was a bit impertinent i must admit well. Well, I'm getting... This is something I caught myself doing the other day, and I think this must be a sign of... In old age, you can get thrills from the very, very mundane. I was crossing on a zebra crossing, and the green man came up. You know, sometimes on the green man,

he's... You know they have, like, a bit of shuttering in front of them, a sort of Venetian blind effect. And sometimes it's down a bit. You have to bend your knees to see the green man. You can't be absolutely sure. And I did that. I had to go down a bit.

I had to dip to see the green man. And I thought, oh, this is a bit like, say, if I was in a detective sitting in the, watching somebody up in their apartment, you know, and they've got their blinds only partly drawn. I'm sort of spying on the green man. Styrofoam cup, you know, collar turned up. And I felt a bit, oh, this is the life, isn't it? No, you're crossing the road, is all

you're doing. So, I don't think I would have had that, I wouldn't have found that thrilling when I was 17. Well done on your successful stakeout of the green man. He was up there. He wasn't moving much. He looked like he might have been dancing and then suddenly stopped mid-twist.

We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank, text in from Judd on 8-12-15. It's called Coyer, the doormat stuff. Coyer? Paul Coyer. How do you spell Coyer?

It's C-O-I-R. I never knew that. At least it is in the text. They might be spelling it in a text way, like people spell everything wrong in text messages, and we just don't know. Not Jod, though. No.

I think you'll find Jod's a perfectionist. That's my feeling about him. I love it when we're given information on these things. Coir. There you go. And we've had another text in. These are a bit red, Frank. Yeah, um, coir burns.

I was just looking through the neighbour's letterbox. I picked up a bit of a coir burn. You know what I'm talking about? Coir burn, you say? Yeah, it's that stuff. We used to call it coconut matty the old days but it's what they make yeah i'm just rehearsing my banter we've had a text in dear frank emily and alan i completely sympathize with your party based tea drinking i always aim to have a cup of tea when out and i've resorted to carrying tea bags in my handbag i also often say to my friends oh sitting down is lovely isn't it

however as i'm 19 this does make me look a bit middle-aged it certainly does but it's good to enjoy the little things in life yes absolutely yes but i was like that i've always i was always a middle-aged man in waiting oh really even when i was 12 i hankered for a pipe yeah i know when i got to but you know oh at last i felt like i'd finally got the right jacket on do you know what i mean oh comfortable so yeah well that's great she sounds like my kind of gal well i'm presumably to gal because you've got a handbag but that's a bit you know that's a bit narrow-minded i never assume never assume these days hey that's that's how i know i'm getting old i start saying things like these days and I genuinely

caught myself saying young man to somebody the other day. Steve laughs Very Brian Clough that is. Somebody about 20 years old and I thought yeah young man and I said at the time oh I could be your father. I didn't tell him that I was actually a desperately late developer so 16 wouldn't have quite worked. So you're telling him off for throwing snowballs sounds like one of those sounds like that yeah i i have loads of moments where i think oh god i am getting old how old are you i'm 36 years old but we have a little boy let's start

getting into the how old are you no we have a we have a son and nothing made me feel quite so old and like a pretend adult as the first time we hired a babysitter and she came round and I was going, yep, we've got you some crisps and some sweets and a bottle of Diet Coke or Coca-Cola, there's proper full pasta. But it really felt like pretending to be a grown-up, like the first time I'd been on the other side of the coin as it were, because I remember, it doesn't seem that long ago, that I was a babysitter. I was a teenager going around. And, another thing, people may well identify with this as they're listening, babysitting... Never assume that.

What a great job babysitting is. That's how you know you're getting old, when you realise, what, people are going to pay you to stay in and drink their tea and eat their crisps, and they're going to come back. Yeah, but I always think, you know, they come in and say, if you're all right, you know, there's an open window, he's gone. He's gone out, let him, you know, tied the blankets together and gone out. Well, so far that picture of doom hasn't been realised.

I always think something terrible is going to happen. It's not that high responsibility. I mean, if anything, they get the better deal. They get £25 and better GCSE results. And I wake up with a hangover having drunkenly promised to my wife that I'd do the morning shift. So it's... They win. They totally win, the babysitters.

Do the morning shift? Do you live in some sort of rural society where you work? When you have a child, you do the morning shift. Do you have to till your own land? Well, I don't know if this is age or just getting to be a bit of a wimp, but I walk... You know, it's been nice weather just lately. A lot of people stand outside the pubs.

And I went past the pub on, was it Thursday? And there was people standing outside drinking. And one bloke got, like, a full pint in his hand. And I thought, God, that's a lot, isn't it? Can I drink all that? Who wants to drink all that lot you look like i don't know i thought he's probably gonna have another one after that's a massive amount of people generally what happens i never drink out of a glass that big anymore just a big

massive glass full of liquid so i remember you always went straight for the bottle but that's another story obviously in those days it never struck me when i was drinking but um yeah i thought it was too much to drink well you'll be you'll be all night frank richard and horsham coir is made from coconut husk so calling it coconut matting is correct Frank Skinner. That's the Basics Radio. Frank, Richard in Horsham. Coir is made from coconut husk, so calling it coconut matting is correct. Well, there you go. You were right all along. Yeah, our teachers, they know what they're talking about, teachers.

Respect your teachers, any school kids listening. All right? And don't steal, even from chain stores. No, not don't steal chain stores. Oh, that's become a very specific piece of advice. I am... Sorry, Emily. I wanted to know about your night out because I think you had a bit of a night out this week.

I've had many nights out this week. I have. It's been a crazy old week. You're quite the social butterfly. I went to a party. I went to the Archbishop of Canterbury's place. I went to... He does go there a lot, hasn't he?

I went to London Road, the play. I did Lee Mack's show. And then I went to Shrek the musical, the opening night. Oh, yeah. And I love a theatrical opening. I don't know about you. Mm-hmm. And relax.

You can do your own punchlines there this is i mean it's it's not 10 o'clock in the morning yet but i um it was great actually there's been a major fire in um the west end the day of it no one was hurt so we can talk about it without any terrible fear uh personally if i'd have been working for shrek i'd have been around there with the green crystals because they could have had green smoke going all up because it was a very green-themed night. What was it? I could actually smell...

I have an office in Covent Garden in London and I could smell burning in the afternoon, which is a little unnerving, to say the least. And they took aid. That night, there was still firemen knocking around. For the first time in my life, firemen, who I've always seen as heroic figures, I started to think, you know, get on with it. How long has it taken to put a fire out?

Oh, we'll just finish this frame of Paul. Just get on with it. Is there a hosepipe ban at the moment? Is that what it is? Frank, can I just say, I do rather like the idea of you sitting there writing your journal during the fire. Yeah, it was. It was very Samuel Pepys. Yeah, very Pepysian. Did you know Samuel Pepys? I didn't know him.

No, no. I'm 36. No, no. No, the fact that he peeped is what I was hoping for. Oh, Samuel Pepys. Samuel Pepys, that was part of the court evidence when he was done for looking through a girl's hostel window. So what happened at Shrek? Well, the first thing was they didn't have a red carpet.

Oh, was it green? It was green. Oh, they're clever. It's the first time I've been to a major opening where the carpet clashed with my teeth. And also, an old lady, I didn't see this, but I was told about it during the interview, and this is awful, an old lady, I didn't see this, but I was told about it during the interview, and this is awful, an old lady fell over... How dare you? ..on the carpet and smashed her face in.

No. And what bad luck. The one time it is on a red carpet, when that wouldn't have shown up... Yeah. ..she falls and leaves blood on the green carpet. Have we got an ID on the old lady? An ID?

Yeah. Do we know who the lady was? I don't think... I'm not sure. You know, you get people at these things who are like friends of the producer and stuff like that. Yeah. Yes, I'm more of it. Yeah.

I don't think it was a famous old lady. Oh, OK. Obviously, that would have made it funnier. But no. No, I'm hoping... I was reassured that she was fine after. But I hope she's all right. But I sat next to... Well, I sat next to, well I sat next

to a man who I sort of vaguely recognised and I thought, oh I know you but I don't know you so I won't say anything. And then he very sweetly leaned across and said hello, it's very nice to meet you. I'm Nick Park. Oh, Wallace and Gromit. Wallace and Gromit. So I thought, great, it's Nick

Park. And I thought, hold on, there's been a fire today and there was once a fire in the Aardvark studios I remember several sheep had to be destroyed I think they had a foot and mouth thing so I said to him today's fire must have brought back a few memories and isn't it great

when you meet a famous person and you're straight in with something a bit topical What did he say? Did he like the reference? Yeah he said we didn't actually lose any figures, it was just a few old sets. And I said, oh, yeah, but even so, go with me on this, Nick. But no, I talked, and funny enough, on that part that me and Emily had went to,

which, if you remember, Alan, you weren't invited. No. Yeah. We went, Artira was there, Brian Cox. Oh, yes, the scientist. Yeah, the astronomy bloke. We went, Artira was there, Brian Cox. Oh, yes, the scientist. Yeah, the astronomy bloke. Astronomy, yeah. Yeah.

Now, if you meet Brian, when you see Brian Cox, you think, I don't want to go up to him and talk about astronomy. That must happen all the time. And David Baddiel's already had him for about 40 minutes on astronomy over on the other end of the lawn. I nearly did a rescue. Oh, we collared him. He collared him very early on.

But I, the trouble trouble it was an outdoor party you know and there's brian cox there's the stars i mean it's very as an aide de memoir it's very so i actually went up to him i said do people only ever speak to you about astronomy and he said uh yeah it's like people come to you and say you know do a joke and i said yeah yeah that must be really annoying but that one up up there, I just couldn't. I actually ended up showing him a picture of a nebula on my iPhone. Oh, dear. Yeah, sorry about that, everyone.

Frank, may I ask you a question about Nick Park? Yes. Did he have a bow tie on? No. Well, I'll tell you why I asked that. He had a plasticine scarf. Never seen one before, but it was a good idea. That's, creatives tend to do that, I tell you why I ask that. He had a plasticine scarf. Never seen one before, but it was a good idea. That's, creatives tend to do that, I find.

When they have to go to a black tie do, that's the sign, that's the international symbol for I'm a creative. It wasn't a black tie, dear. Oh, OK, it was green tie. It wasn't even a green tie, dear. Nick Park finished it. I think it was green tie curry. Sorry?

Green tie curry. That food was rubbish. Can I just say, the canapes were so late that people were just standing around the kitchen door. You know when you're standing waiting for the trains to come, like dogs waiting outside a butcher's back door. Is this at the party or at the Shrek thing? This is at the Shrek after show party.

Oh, God, my life is so crazy. Well, let me see what we've got here. Walk. This is Walk by the Foo Fighters. Another film. Another. I've played so many post-four-minute songs today, I've not even got a chance to talk.

What's going on? I've offered mine to fade this. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was Walk by the Foo Fighters. You cut it off. It was quick, wasn't it? I didn't cut it off. Okay, you faded it.

I think... Time flies when you're having fun. Exactly. No, it's a great song and you can hear it on our website. Can you? I don't think so. Yeah. On our website. Can you? I don't think so. Yeah.

On our website. Just make that up. Yeah, well, that's all right. People think, well, what do I need that for? No one's going to go and seek it out. Yeah, we are Spotify Radio. Oh, dear. Frank, I've been reading about Jennifer Aniston.

Well, a lovely woman. Much more attractive than Angelina Jolie in my opinion i love her she uh she did something a bit silly though she said she spent her first big paycheck she revealed on a really expensive vintage mercedes but uh it never worked so it was one of those things it never worked yeah it never worked did she not call that's how exactly how it's printed in the paper. It never worked. She never called a mechanic or anything. No, exactly.

She should have called We Buy Any Car. Yeah, exactly. They would have helped her out. Why didn't she do that? They'd have snatched Jennifer Aniston's hand off, surely. I think she did try and get it fixed and it just didn't go. I think there was attempts made. She should have followed it through. She's allowed... I mean, i wouldn't buy her a doormat let's put it that way

i mean i i bought i didn't want i spent oh god i'm gonna say this i spent a thousand pounds on a massage chair you know when you go in those shops i thought you were gonna say a massage and i was really worried no no you know when you go in those shops and there's a massage chair yes and i thought this is brilliant imagine having one in your own home you could have a a massage and I was really worried. You know when you go in those shops and there's a massage chair? Yes. And I thought, this is brilliant. Imagine having one in your own home. You could have a massage every day. I used it about four times in two years.

I'll tell you what, it was just like a big ridged thing that went up your back of your spine and just... If you can imagine, you know the two girls in ABBA? They used to stand back to back? Yes. Imagine if that was me and a dragon.

That's what you got for your chair. That's what it was like. I could feel this like spiky stuff going into my back. There's a stingy part of me when you say that you spent £1,000 on a massage chair and got four rubs in two years. There's a bit of me going, that's 250 quid a rub, that's not good value. I don't like 250 quid a rub anyone is tuning in now you could have hired a man for cheaper than that i think this has gone uh this has gone very premiership

no i um oh no that was a total waste of money and i bought um you know i bought elvis's shirt for 11 000 that's not a waste of money. No, but at the end of the day, you've got the shirt and there it is. And what do you do? Put it on, take it off, have a look at it. I'm all for souvenirs of one's career. Is that what you do? Yeah. What else can you do? But it's nice to have mementos of, you know, significant things in your life.

I actually, I paid 50 quid for Tara Palmer Tomkinson's nose the other week. And that sounds expensive, but to be fair, there was a £20 note up each nostril. In fact, it was only a tenner. Anyway, you can download the Not The Weekend podcast

on Wednesday morning. Ben Jones is next. Ben Jones, who looks absolutely ripped in men's health this month. He is buff as all get out. I've never seen him without his hat on, let alone his shirt. He looks absolutely... Congratulations to him. I wouldn't dare appear topless in a magazine with the word either man or health in the title.

But Ben looks, I'm going to say, beautiful. What about that? Check it out. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.