The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner MBE

Episode Date: January 7, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank chats about his BIG news! The team also discuss Metal Dad, Christmas gifts and challenger to the Tallest Man in the World.

This is Frank Skinner, MBE on Absolute Radio with the commoner Emily Dean and the colonial Pierre Novelli. You can text the show at 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I mean, wow. Can you believe it? No, I can't believe I'm a commoner. No. Oh, no, it is shocking.

If someone came in here and said spot the commoner, I don't think you'd be the first choice. But, you know. You are, I have to say, Frank, worryingly good at keeping secrets, I'm discovering. Ah, yes. Because, I mean, I would have had it everywhere, wouldn't you, Pierre? It would have been on the correspondence cards already.

The credit card would have been changed. The quote that people have used mainly, I've noticed, when they talk about veteran comic Frank Skinner getting an MBE is that I said I didn't tell anyone because I was concerned it might be an administrative error but it wasn't a joke I actually did think what could be worse as Oliver Hardy would say, than to tell everyone you've got an MBE and then it was like the man who did Skinner's dog foods, you know, that thing for working dogs.

And on the day, like I've always, my heart has always bled for the woman from Rod Stewart's Hot Legs video whose only her legs appear. Imagine she said to her mum and dad, I'm going to be in the Rod Stewart video, really excited, family gather round MTV that night, and then it's just her legs. So I didn't want to be that girl.

No, you didn't want to be... I know someone who was airbrushed off a cut magazine cover once exactly that's not there's many uh slip twixt cop and lip that's the way i saw it so eventually i thought i better tell my partner i'll tell her the day before i was anxious about telling kath because why well as know, she's the woman who, when I said I was playing at the Albert Hall in front of the Queen and said, do you want to come?

And she said, who else is on? So she keeps my feet on the ground, I think. Some might say my face. She keeps my face on the ground. No, so I told kath i said look um i've got an award and she said what is it i said it's an mbe and she said oh and what do you think about that um i said i'm pleased about it. And she went, oh, okay.

How was that? That was that conversation. Did she seriously respond? She honestly did, yeah. I love her. That's like a teacher saying, how do you think that exactly went? Exactly, exactly. But what was I supposed to say?

I'll tell you what it is as well, Pia. It's when people come to the show and say afterwards, how did you think it went? Oh, no. Famously, of course, to go back after the show and say, well, you've done it again is the famous one, which is... She's saving that up for when you get the OBE. Yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, so it was um other than that i got lots of very very nice texts from people in this room um on the day i i was once um incarcerated in a house for three days and if you remember there was a program called The Bobble. Oh, yeah, you did it with Vicky Corrin, didn't you? I did it twice. The first time with Vicky Corrin... No, the one that went out was with...

I never call her Vicky, actually. It was Victoria Corrin Mitchell and Reg D... Hunter. Yeah. And the idea is you're locked away in a house for like three days with no phone, no telephone, no radio. And when you come out, they ask you news stories, whether they're real or not real.

And when we got our phones back, the researcher handed my phone back, reeling. She was reeling. And she said, I just wanted to say you've been away for four days and you've had four texts and three emails in that time. And, of course, I said, well, I've told people I wouldn't be available. I thought, no, that's my average. That's nicely averaged out.

But on the day it was announced, I got like 70 texts and emails, and I thought, how do popular people get anything done? It's a nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. So you know when they say that success makes people unpopular I think

being unpopular might make people successful because they've got more time on their hands honestly I just I answered them all you know did you? oh that's adorable full time job, people I hadn't heard of from like 25 years. Still not paying them back.

So, yes, we're talking about the royal story everyone's talking about. Yep. My MBE. Ruth Jordan, just to interject here, one of our regulars. Good to hear Kath is keeping Frank's feet on the ground. Yes. Remember, Frank, you ain't no Tontonomo Sharif. No, I think he actually said sheriff.

Yes, she did say sheriff. I couldn't help but pronounce it properly. No. Seriously, though, Frank, we love you. Praise Redacted. Oh, that's lovely. We've had all sorts of people getting in touch. I can't even

but just uh just uh one notable i'd like to mention is the pope's grotto trust okay many congratulations to frank on the radio from all of us here at pope's grotto preservation trust fantastic yeah i was in there not long ago whatever that that is, it's wonderful. I know it is Alexander Pope. Yeah, he had a grotto. Yeah. Alexander Pope, in order to save himself, he was an 18th century poet, in case you don't know him. He bought a plot of land that had a main road

going through the middle of it. So he didn't want to be waiting for carriages to go past to get into his garden. So he built a tunnel underneath the road and then he thought, you know, I could do something with this tunnel. I don't want to leave it like some sort of urban subway, he thought to himself. And so he covered the inside of it in minerals and stuff like that.

Friends would bring him... I mean, friends did things that you wouldn't want to do. They brought him a big chunk of the giant's causeway back, and he stuck that on the wall. But he used to delight shows in there. It was all about Jean-Michel Jarre and Pope's Grotto. Oh, that's a nice idea, though.

If you live sort of, like, on the other side of a dual carriageway or something, do you think you could do that? You might have to get the planning permission these days. Yeah, you probably would nowadays. You don't want to weaken the structure of the road. No, or sort of take a chunk of the White Cliffs of Derva and sellotape it on.

He set up a camera obscura in there, in fact. So I think through the keyhole with the addition of a few mirrors, you could watch the boats going down the Thames on the wall of his grotto. God. What a guy he was. That was the original man's cave. Yes. Absolutely brilliant summary.

I wish you'd been with me on the documentary for that line. Is it too late to add it? Did he have a sort of helmet with two sort of drink holders and straws going into his mouth, but they were full of claret or cognac or something? And he put everyone who came in had to be called bro. He had all sorts of us. Yeah, canary wine. That's what always gets referred to in that.

And I had a flagon, not a flagon, and we drank canary wine. What is that? From the canaries. Yellow, yellow. Yellow, yellow. Yellow, yeah. Pierre asked a question, and I quite liked it. Frank said during the break, we'll discuss this, because you like to save things for our listeners,

which I really like. How did you hear the news? Well, you get an email. You do. So an email just comes. A random email from the Honours and Appointments Secretariat. Which I thought I was got contact from Soviet Russia.

Comrade. Yeah, it's from the Cabinet offices was the sort of address on the email. And I thought, I imagined them with a big map you know a massive map pushing like an mb there and a knighthood over there i would have been suspicious it wasn't like mbs at waitrose.com or something was it it was a proper email i was gonna i was gonna say that i could going to say that my suspicions would have been

just $10,000 transferred to this Western bank account. Oh, my fabulous news, I've won a Nigerian MBE. But you've got to get someone's brother out of the country first, remember. So anyway, well, I'll tell you in a minute what it said. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know what I love? The pause. You've now got an inbuilt pause into your name.

Frank Skinner, MBA. A caesura, as they call it in poetry. So, yeah, so I got my email from the Honours and Appointments Secretariat and they did a bit of a teaser on me. Can you believe it? I never associate the Cabinet Office with a teaser. But this is...

How are you addressed, dear sir? I wrote this down. It said, this is what the main email said. Please find an important letter regarding the 2023 New Year's honours list attached to this email. So it doesn't tell you on the main email. You've got to go into the attachment. And I thought, what if I'd just got in it and said, Brian May got a knighthood. Just saying.

It was just gossip. I thought that would be so cruel because I've really built my hopes up. So you go into it and you have to, there's a form to fill in. Yeah, you have to fill a form in. They say congratulations and all that. Fill this form in.

It says, paying particular attention to the spelling of your name. And I thought, you could Google me. And the thing, the main thing, then you have to highlight every square that's got a palace in it to show that you're not a robot. No, I made that bit up. But yeah, so that's the thing that you have to open the attachment and then it tells you and then you have to fill in a form and send that off.

And then does it ask for your credit card details? Yeah, I know. It sounds like such a scam, Frank. Credit card details, your date of birth. Yeah, I know. It sounds like such a scam, Frank. Also, I thought, check the spelling. Why don't you Google me? Just Google me, and they'll make it a big surprise on the day.

Anyway, it didn't happen. What happens if it goes to spam? Do they try again? Do they ring you? Oh, yeah. What if it had gone to junk? I hadn't thought of that. Also, they use the word investiture a lot in the... And then we'll be in touch about your investiture.

All right. She speak soon? No, so I was... You can see why my doubt set in. Yeah. Because it just didn't feel... I thought, you know when you have

those blokes associated with the royals and they play a very young, a very, they play a very long bugle, but it's not just a bugle, a horn thing,

but it's got like, it's got drapery hanging from it. You know what I mean? It's got like a big tapestry on it. there's a banner element. Yeah, I thought. Oh, I love that. It unfurls. It's got like a mini, from it. You know what I mean? It's got like a big tapestry on it. Yeah, there's a banner element. Yeah, I thought... Oh, I love that.

It unfurls. It's got like a mini... It's a bugle pen. I thought there'd be a man with a bugle pen would turn up. I didn't think it'd be an email saying, can you fill this form in and make sure you spell your name right.

There'd be a knock on the door and marks would be left by the heavy rings of whatever equerry was set. Exactly. Black watch, I thought, would come round. I want horses. I want livery. But now it's very understated, the whole...

So when you responded, were you just thinking... Well, the letter said to Christopher Graham Collins, which is my birth name, and I thought, well, don't give him... What's he getting one for? What, having sherry for breakfast? He's got him an MBE. So I thought, I hope they don't announce it

as Christopher Graham Collins. That's going to be... A hand-scratcher for the public. Oh, no. You don't want the GC being announced. Yeah, I don't want my former landlady tracking me down. After my rather abrupt exit. So, yeah, so I filled in the form.

And it's one of those things when you have to sign it, you know, and you have to sign online, one of those things. Oh, I would have wanted my signature right for that because that could end up on royal documentation, Frank. I know, but it's not easy with your finger. You know, you have to sign with your finger. Oh, did you do that? Yeah, I don't have a stylus at the ready.

How did it look, all right? No, it didn't look anything like it. It's all pixelated and blocky. Yeah. It looked more like Grayson Perry. I don't know if that's where the mix-up came. Oh, the Perry boy, he got one. He got, yes.

What about Sir Brian Harold May? Harold? Is that his middle name? yes. What about Sir Brian Harold May? Harold? Is that his middle name? Yes. Do you know Brian May? Not personally. Well, thanks for the tip. That was the punchline.

Just to help him. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, I think the family reaction, my son, who's ten and a half bars, the excitement was slightly undermined that he got a response from a comment he'd made about a Metal Dad YouTube video. I don't know if you're aware of Metal Dad YouTube video. I don't know if you're aware of Metal Dad. Metal Dad is a large man,

I think that's the word we have to use nowadays, who sits in one of those Parker Knoll chairs in his socks and plays fantastic heavy metal guitar riffs. fantastic heavy metal guitar riffs and Buzz sent him

a comment on YouTube about Iron Maiden he said this guy said I remember when I first

saw Iron Maiden and Buzz said I'm going to see him this year that'll be the first time I've seen him and Metal Dad responded

and Buzz was much more excited than he was about responded, and Buzz was much more excited than he was about the NBA. I mean, much, much more. Is Metal Dad a YouTube sensation? Yes. Oh, I'm getting involved. Check him out.

I'm getting involved. Is he UK-based? No, he's USA. Oh, OK. I was picturing a very American sort of living room when you were describing him. Yes, he's one I think you might call in America, he doesn't just play floor fillers,

he is one. So he's a big, he looks like a big old dad, which I assume what he is, but he plays an amazing axe. Is he what a lady on a holiday once referred to her partner this way? Is he,

we have an hombre grande with us. Oh, yes, he is an hombre grande. He's an hombre grande. Very, very much so. So I think the highlight of my whole MB experience, I won't go on about this forever, I probably will refer to it occasionally, is that I was in mass on Sunday morning

and the priest said, right at the end of the Mass, our PP, the parish priest, said, and we've got some lovely news to end with. One of our parishioners, as he said, has received an award from the sovereign. That's what he said. Sounds like a part of the Canterbury Tales yeah

and I thought he won't name me but he did name me I was there and everybody applauded and I have to stand there

where you know no one else was everyone else was applauded it was great I was I think it's the first time I've blushed

since the 70s but it was it was great I love one of our parishioners it's like sort of Cranford or something I know yeah um it was it was great i love one of our parishioners it's like sort of cranford or something i know yeah but it was uh it was lovely i did uh i did like that i'm i'm so thrilled for you i was genuinely so happy frank but but i'm sorry there's always there's always a big bot with Emily there is in my house I do

there's just one thing out of deep friendship and love I say this okay and you know it's never good after that no I'm braced

I'm in the braced position I just would ask if you could we could have just a brief consultation about attire well

prior to the ceremony because I've just got concerns. You've got a jacket. It's a Karamak Life on Mars leather jacket. No, you have to go to Moss Bross and get, you have to wear the old, you know, the top hat and tail thing. I'm getting married in the morning. Yeah, exactly. I might be singing that. Just don't wear the leather jacket, please.

Okay, I won't. Can I say also, John Lennon, of course, claimed that they smoked marijuana in the toilets at Buckingham Palace, which the other Beatles said, oh, we seem to have forgotten that. So we'll never know. But I should say congratulations. This is me saying, I'm going to stop talking about the NB unit. But congratulations to Yolanda Brown from Jazz FM,

who also got an NB and who has interviewed me and who I've interviewed and who is very, very lovely. And I've also seen her entertain a whole bunch of kids at the O2 Centre. She's fantastic. So some people deserved it. Yeah, I feel happy that I've plugged Metal Dad on the program. It's amazing to think that you get these comments and they can be replied to, and it is a real thrill.

But speaking as someone who's put his own stand-up on YouTube, long form as well, about an hour of it, I got a comment, I'd done a small routine about sort of gaining a lot of weight and how that feels and just as a part

of a silly joke, oh, your shoes feel tighter, you know, silly imagery and there was one of the comments addressing that saying, pray it isn't gout.

Wow. All right, Henry VIII. Got to... It was the most bo-faced reaction to a stand-up. I think people with gout, in my experience, they don't... I think it's one of those things where people...

I'm amazed we've gone this far following the G word without someone saying, apparently it's really painful. That is what you have to say about gout, as if it's exclusively painful it doesn't sneak up on you yeah so goatees um tend not to be like heart in a body i find oh well they're called gouties gouties or are they go to us it's a difficult difficult a gouty is what people from your neck of the woods call a sort of musketeer's facial hair, isn't it? Exactly. My boy Hank Wheat was rather a cheery chap.

Hank Wheat? Oh, yes. I don't know who that is. Henry VIII. Oh. Yes. Oh, I see, I see. I thought he was some big corn billionaire. I'm afraid it's my father used to refer to Henry V as Hank Sank.

Did he? Yes. Did he ever say Stratford-U-Ponovan? No. I'm glad to hear that. But I would say he's in the gout-suffering chair, Henry VIII. With his leg up. Well, I don't know about that.

Had they already started putting the giant bandage on in those days or is that something that came with hal roach films i'm afraid there was a story which um i mean i don't know obviously none of us know but apparently when they opened the casket i'm afraid the smell was um i think things were in a terrible state as a result Don't open the casket though, that's always my advice Frank, we've heard from John Hopkins Sorry, speaking of the bandage

while we're on the bandage front, I'm sure I've mentioned on the show before but maybe Pierre doesn't know that one of my dreams is to sit in a dentist's waiting room with a bandage round my face, knotted on top of the head. I wonder if anyone's actually ever done that. That would make me so happy.

It's the little things in life. Sorry, Em. Hopkins. Hopkins. Congratulations to Frank on his well-deserved award. It got me wondering, though, is Frank the first person to win Rear of the Year and get

an MBE? What an illustrious club that must be. I would be surprised if that's the case. Vauders? I don't know if Vauders did it, but when I shared, you know every year it's a man and a woman for balance. And I

got it with Carol Smiley I'd be surprised if Carol Smiley hasn't got some sort of surely is your family Carol definitely Carol is your form of address technically now Frank Skinner are YM be I'm quite modest about it you should see see the award I got. It's the biggest award I've ever got for anything. It's like the ladies' singles plate at Wimbledon. It's a massive silver plate. Really? Yeah, beautifully engraved.

Yeah. The rolls on the arse, as it were, are beautiful. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner MBE on Absolute Radio with Emily I'm going to do it

this week this week I'm going to do it every time with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli you can text the show on 81215 follow the show

on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio email the show via frank at absolute radio.co.uk i watched a documentary about henry the eight it was more about um cromwell thomas cromwell and the guy who did it is quite a well-known academic historian. He wrote a big, fat book about the Reformation and stuff. Did he call it the big, fat book about the Reformation? I wish he had called it that. That would have drawn me in,

because I thought I was getting my money's worth. But he insisted, through an hour-long BBC Four documentary, on saying Anne Boleyn. Oh, no. Yeah, and he was... I mean, this is obviously something he... This is not a bloke who wouldn't be using the word Anne Boleyn regularly. He obviously thinks that's wrong, Anne Boleyn.

Yes, he's obviously consulted the texts and he's decided we're all wrong. Yeah, he's seen the original... I like him. He's quite a contrarian. I think he might be a nice friend for you, Frank. It's the sort of thing you'd do. May I present Star Wars? Ah, yes.

Oh, well, I'd love to see you present Star Wars. Anyway, we haven't talked... I talked about all the emails and texts I got. Oh, yes. My favourite email that I got over the whole Christmas period was nothing to do with the MBE. It was from my dear friend Baroness Bakewell, who sent me an email that said,

I'm watching the World Cup. Would you mind explaining the term assist? Oh, I loved it. I sent back quite an elaborate explanation with examples. Yeah, that's sort of like commentary via telegram or something, isn't it? Oh, I love it when a dame texts an MBE. Well, some people just assume that you know this. That shows why she's such an intelligent woman.

Yeah, because... She is not afraid to ask questions. Not afraid to ask. I agree with that. Well, let me... I don't want an answer to this, but why is there so much stuff on the news about American politics?

And am I supposed to understand the midterms and the votes for the... What is he? The Speaker. Please don't get me on the caucuses, because I haven't got time. Yeah, exactly, the caucuses. Who cares about that stuff? I'm fine for them to care. Do you think they have stuff about by-elections and stuff on American television?

Definitely not. We're live from Hartlepool. Yeah. Where the local council is... Yeah, I don't think so. I think you'll find it's Hart're live from Hartlepool. Yeah. Where the local council is, yeah, I don't think so. I think you'll find it's Hartlepool. Hartlepool. Yeah.

And now for viewers, what is an alderman? It's, they don't, nor should they care. So don't keep telling us about the midterms. I'm sure up about it. If I want to know that, I just ask him.

I want to know who the president is, and if he says anything very significant, you know, fine. I don't want to know about the 14 attempts to get the Speaker of the... No. In terms of... Shut up. In terms of the mispronounced names, the guy for whom Mount Everest is named

apparently spent his whole life really tetchily correcting people because it's Everest. Really? And so his greatest monument is... Can I say he's fighting a losing battle there? Eventually you have to give up, don't you? Jimmy Hill, the famous football pundit, Jimmy Hill, the famous football pundit,

stuck with Cantona for about half a season with Eric Cantona before he finally, he did give in in the end. I like when you stick with it. But I'm bawling. Calm off, Ian. Anyway, yeah, we should talk Christmas, New Year, and that's what we normally do on this show, if there hasn't been some enormous other event that's happened to distract us from our business.

I was going to say. Our basic business. I mean, what meagre offerings have we got? Yeah, well, come on, guys. Well, where were our men in gold capes with orbs calling us? Well, I haven't had that yet. Noel Edmonds has. I'll keep you posted on the investiture.

That'll be a whole episode. I don't know who's doing it. Let's hope it's not Sophie Wessex. Hashtag orcs. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Bilbo Bakewell. Oh, yes. Has been in touch.

I just wanted to say thank you for mentioning Metal Dad. I've never heard of him before, but I looked him up and he's brilliant. And he now has one new subscriber. I can totally see why Buzz likes him. I've made a terrible error now because everyone, instead of listening to the show, is on YouTube watching Metal Dad do... Anyway, God bless him.

Yeah. He did reply. Not everyone does. Did he? He replied to you. Isn't that lovely? He said, that's very exciting for you and all that stuff.

You know, polite, nice dad stuff is what he did. Did you get any good presents? A stack of books to add to the unread stack of books. That's always good. I don't think you need to read books. It's just nice to have them around. I got pink pyjamas. I got pink sweater. I got pink

fluffy slippers. I got pink satin rollers for my hair. And I got a chocolate fox marshmallow thing, which I thought was to eat, but it was actually to put in a hot chocolate drink. And I ate it. It wasn't pink? No.

Oh. Awkward. But was it okay to eat? No you melt it melt it into hot chocolate what do they call it they're like special melty they're very millennial gen z things a bat like a vulpine bath bomb well that leads to a lot of confusion the whole bath bomb thing yeah but i know i was a bit desperate on the way home and i thought all this chocolate i've used that on tour a few times not on the last two i can i get i'll get pierre to vouch carry on not not during the mba year no um and i got desperate but apparently this chocolate is meant to be you meant to place it in a mug and pour hot water over it.

And then the chocolate... I wonder where they got the idea for that from. The chocolate fox will then explode and the marshmallows and it will all be lovely. But I sort of think, why is it people react in horror when you say, oh, I ate it? But you're not meant to eat it, apparently, are you? No.

Why not? Is it different chocolate? Well, when I was a kid, I ate a lot of jelly. But I don't mean in the bowl. I mean when it was in its raw form. You know, it comes in like a bar. Was it little squares? Yes.

And I'd say, you know, can I have a square of jelly? Because we can still make jelly with the remaining. And then, you know what it's like? You have another square. You have another. Then they've got you. You have a sort of elemental jelly, like in its purest state. Yeah. And it's much chewier.

And, you know, it's not, it hasn't been watered down. Oh, I did get something else pink. I got a pink dog poo bag holder from Gucci. Oh, very nice. That is nice. Yeah, nice. Yeah.

Do you mean holder as in when you have them in your pocket in anticipation or holder as when you walk along carrying them like you are paying the ransom for a 16th century nobleman you know that you know that thing when you're just walking along with a bag of poo people without dogs think whoa that's why i don't have a dog because you have to walk along with that little pouch and sometimes. And sometimes... Swinging. And what about when you run into someone who you maybe... And this is very embarrassing. When you just see them and they haven't clocked the dog, especially not in my dog's case because he's very small,

and you're just forever that woman who smells vaguely. Oh, yeah. Because you haven't found a bin yet. Yes. And you have the exchange and you're just thinking don't you knot? yes of course I knot but sometimes the aroma escapes

does it through a knot? I use a Windsor can't get through a Windsor I tell ya dear all Dear all, this is 619. I was at school with Martin Affier, always known to all as pronounced Offia. As soon as he made it big in rugby league,

he became Affier, which is what I went for. Surely, so he could therefore take the nickname Chariots afterwards. Right. He will always be a fear to me. Okay, yeah, I can see why if you're a rugby star, fire is more appealing than fear, isn't it? I think he probably, I think, didn't he have a nickname? Also, there was something to do with just, you know, fire and fury and...

Yes, yes. And being powerful. Although I like chariots. Chariots is a great nickname. Chariots at 1am. That's what... That should have been one of his notes. That's what you're going to be getting.

You'll be invited to those kind of receptions now. I don't think... He won't change me. He won't change me, man. You'll keep working be getting, you'll be invited to those kind of receptions now. I don't think so. He won't change me. He won't change me, man. You'll keep working. Yeah, exactly. Did you see, I will stop talking about it probably in September maybe. Okay.

But what about when Frank gave a statement? Did you read, Pierre? He said, oh, I'm in a very fortunate position. It won't go to my head because everyone I surround myself with keeps me very firmly on the ground. Did I say that? Yeah, something like that. I add a tone.

Why not? Yeah. Well, that was proved very correct. So listen, for Christmas, here's my list. I got a notebook, salt and vinegar flavoured pork scratchings, some gingerbread chocolate and a Basildon Bond writing set. What do you think? Pretty good. Not a bad haul.ildon Bond writing set. What do you think? Pretty good. Not a bad haul.

More pens. I mean, what do I think? Oh, can I say, by the way? There's a sort of thing a seven-year-old tells you. Yeah. Especially with the, what do you think? I don't think a seven-year-old would be happy with that list. They'd want an Xbox.

Would they? Console. Is that what they want now? Operation. Fortnite. They like that. I got a lovely present from Jane Appleton from Leatherhead. I think she's either from Leatherhead or that's how she's generally known.

Maybe she's a Mexican wrestler, Jane Appleton. But anyway, one of those very old people who live at the seaside, you know what I mean? Yeah. Who get like, they look like they've been tanned. So I was talking about the four-collar pen and how it's changed my life. You know, when you pull, you slide down the collar.

And she's sent me a lovely little gift pack of, I think it's three or four, and a big sort of, a big multicolour pen. That'll last me for the whole of 23. Thanks, Jane. And what did the box say? Is this a new section on the show called Things I've Got Hot? Yeah. Personal gift.

Oh, yes, it said personal gift on the box, which Jane had written, I think. I like that. So it didn't get mixed up with, am I business gifts? Yes. Whatever they are. We have to say as well, hashtag gifted, don't you?

Do you know they do that on Instagram, Frank? Oh, yes. Celebrities, when they get freebies, I think it's if you've got over 30,000 followers or something, you have to say, what is it the producer will know? Hashtag free gift. Hashtag ad. Hashtag ad. Hashtag paid. I was going to say,

I've been using hashtag gifted for years. I didn't realise it also meant that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What did Pierre get for Christmas is what I'd like to know. Well, he got a load of books.

Name us one book. Yeah. Name us one book. You don't have to say the best because then you'll offend other people. David Sedaris Diaries. Okay. Up till sort of almost modern day. Yeah.

Okay. Almost contemporary. Lovely. I think every year I get something Sedaris. Do you have different traditions on the Isle of Man? Yes, yeah.

There's... Did you go back to the Isle of Man? I did, yeah. Oh, lovely. My parents are still there, so I go... It won't be called

that much longer, will it? Oh, yeah. Isle of People. It's a bit on work, yeah. What would they call it in the Isle of the People? Isle of Everyone. Isle of Person it would have to be, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. Isle of people. It's a bit on woke, yeah. What would they call it in Isle of the People? Isle of Everyone. Isle of Person it would have to be, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah. Well, man is short for Manannan. Which means what? It's sort of the local votive Celtic god. Oh, okay. Sea god. What, you're allowed to abbreviate the god's name? Yes.

He's a bit cash back. Very casual. He's a bit Martin of Fire. He's a bit cash back. Very casual. He's a bit Martin of Fire. He's a bit informal walkabout, isn't he? The local god? Yeah, Isle of Bob. Oh, I don't approve of that. I don't want the RT for arsemist.

What's he called? What's he called, the god? Manannan. Manannan, yeah. And he's the god of the Isle of Man? Yes, and the sea. Okay. Yeah.

What's his culture? What's his culture? What's his culture? Where does Neptune and all those fit in with him? He's technically Manan and Matalir, being the real god of the sea, so he's the son of the god of the sea, as a Hercules figure. Okay, fair enough.

But he's sort of a god as well? Herky. Yeah. He's sort of Jamie Redknapp. Yes, yes, that's how we think of him. Ah, you've seen The Ruinstones then. Could have been the Isle of Jab. Anyway, how was it?

Good, windy and cold. Do you eat the same food as us on the Isle of Man? We try to. Can I say, I'm not a fan of Sedaris. Remember you took me to see him once he didn't like him no he didn't i've never seen him live he was doing is at the edinburgh festival and my problem with him was he didn't i thought he was a famous wit and he read from his book but he didn't there was no asides on asides, the only talking was him reading

from his book, it was all totally scripted I felt a bit let down by Sedaris. I know but you're very high bar Frank, I mean he can't he's not there, he's a writer, he's not there to just, you know, stand by but you do know it but I think you, you know, you are

very good at thinking on your feet okay? Not all are famous wit written only yeah rickwick he's a rick he's a perfect incredibly damning term to make up i thought he was funny well he's a rick with a bit of a rick whitley I thought he was funny. Well, he's a Ritwit. He's a Ritwit. He's a bit of a Ritwit, isn't he? Sedaris.

He sounds more like a god of the sea than Mangum. Than man? Yeah, the man, as I call him. I don't think man. I think man needs to workshop the nickname as well. It's a bit funny, isn't it? It must have been. Manny would have been better.

Well, people are very offended when Man-O-Man was on the telly. I won't know what that is. What? Can you explain Man-O-Man? Man-O-Man was a... Can I? Men, it was a sort of a... One of our friends.

It was a classic example of it's all right when they do. It was men basically being chosen by women. Sometimes they'd have their shirts off and stuff. I'll tell you exactly what happened. Chris Tarrant was the host. And every week, I mean, you knew there was going to be trouble because it was set on, there was water everywhere. There was sort of a moat, wasn't there?

And basically... It was like Sing. We're back to that water tank in Sing. The women would choose the men they liked and the men they didn't like. The men were standing there. It was quite humiliating. I don't think we had tops on, Frank. And they had a number. It must have really hurt them. How they stuck the number on the chest, I don't know.

But they would say no and they would push them in to the water. Oh, I see. It was boiling water. Did she mention that? Literally, you could see it bubbling off is Chris Tarrant hosting yeah Chris Tarrant did he

if someone selected a particularly sexy man would he say but I don't want to give you that sort of remove remove the man and suggest an even

better one what was man I think I think it was an island man guard reference well they were

sacrificed why do you think they were pushed into water it all makes absolute sense obviously it was that

they were men of manner well we know the producer Spencer I think he's one of our friends

you can tell us if he's listening my friend friend stretching and I've worked with him he's a lovely boy. I'm not saying he isn't lovely, but you know what I mean.

Did I get a message from him about my MBE? Did I, Buffalo? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Apparently, I've been hearing, and we're getting this in on Twitter, I mean, this news just in, the venerable Bede got some stick on an episode. Martin Gardner's got in touch about this.

When people contact you now, they always refer to the MBE, which I like. The Venerable Bede got some stick on a detectorist's special. So if we could get, yeah, apparently he's been, I like that he's getting more prominence you've made him oh you've given him a little second wind do you think i've uh yeah i've raised him up the venerable dude and we've also had um 805 i have to say i i haven't seen the detectorist special I love the detectorists but I should be sad if they've

that's one of those complicated moments when someone you love slags off someone you love you know that I like that you felt you had to make an official statement you know what I'm talking about Harry what are we going to do that's awkward isn't it what's that

I don't know going to do? That's awkward, isn't it? What's that? What's the whole Harry thing? I don't know what to do. Well, it'll work itself out. I've just been reading some stuff, coincidentally, about Edward VIII, you know, who abdicated. Breaking news. No, but there's so many comparisons. Yeah.

It's really interesting. In case you don't know, he quit the throne because he could not go on, as he said, without the woman he loved, who was American, wasn't very popular. Divorcee. Twice divorcee. Apparently a morganatic marriage was suggested.

Morganatic? Well, I just remember that. Presided over by Piers Morgan. I don't think he'd... I don't know if Meghan would go for that, would she? You could ask. It's no harm in asking. A Morganatic, brackets, live and unleashed marriage, we suggested.

What does that mean? A morganatic marriage, Pierre, you're going to have to help me out, but I remember learning that in history. It's a kind of marriage, it's some special kind of marriage. I never did discover, I managed to get through history and I never quite discovered what it means. So there's a challenge. Well, one of our readers will know

for an absolute certainty. Do you know Pierre? I think I know. Oh lovely What do you think it means Frank? I've never even heard of it before, I have no idea so I'm not even going to try and guess. Do you want to have a guess Pierre? Come on

If it's like a sort of another way of saying matrilineal, where the children are seen to be part of the mother's house, not the father's, so they have no right to any titles. They inherit nothing from the father's side. Okay. So it could be a way of excluding the awkward children from that. Did Mrs. Simpson have children from her previous marriages?

No. I'm not sure. I don't think so. No. Famously, no. Back when you could be called Wallace as a lady. Yeah. Well, they called him, his nickname was Grommie. And that's how the Wallace and Grommie, that's where it comes from. No. No, he's correct.

Prince Skinner on Absolute Radio. Listen. Is that not a very professional way to start the link, is it? Listen. I would say this beginning of this hour has been slightly lacking in professionalism. I mean, we started by going...

Yeah, I know. It's quite Rodney Dangerfield, sort of comedy throat clearing, sort of loosening the tie. Does he do that? George Formby's father, who was a musical performer, who had quite a bad...

Have we still got you with us, Gen Zers? He had quite a bad chest thing just from poverty. And he used to... Coughing well tonight used to be his catchphrase. But it was a catchphrase that had to happen because he did cough all the time because he was so... Retroactively necessary.

Yeah, exactly. I'm still coughing. I'm never drinking. This is my new catchphrase. Listen. I reached across for the cup of tea that wasn't there.

Sounds like the Frank Skinner and Bee Poetry podcast. Joe Duckett... All right. ..has asked... This better not be a poem. No, it's another congratulatory missive.

But in answer to your question, Joe, no, I will not be curtsying whenever Frank enters the studio from now on. When did you last curtsy, Emily? Oh, it's like a name of a painting. When did you last bow, P a painting when did you last bow pierre it was at buckingham palace was it really i think it was was it for megan markle i no this was for the garden party but i did it in a sort of vague because i wasn't sure whether i was

i wasn't being directly introduced but i felt as I was in the presence of Her Late Majesty, I should do a vague gesture towards that. I see. I wouldn't be 100% certain of the curtsy. I think, is it right behind left? I know exactly what to do. Okay. Because I saw Carol Vorderman showing how it should be done.

I think it was her on a TV show over the Christmas period. Okay. She did it so well. And did she offer a sort of mathematical geometric analysis of how it was done? I hope so. I don't know the last time I bowed. Karate lessons.

Oh, okay. When I was sort of 13 or something. Fair enough. That's probably the last time. That used to be one of those facts that everyone knew, and I've never been completely convinced by, that something like 12 people a year in Japan are taken into hospital with bowing-related injuries.

Oh, sort of lower back stuff? Or clash of heads. Oh, God, right, of course. I hadn't thought of that. Is that true? If anyone knows if that's true, I'd love to hear. Did I get a cup of tea and I've drunk it? Or did I just not get one?

Frank, you can't just do admin on air like this. I'm sorry. You end up being doing the show. I need a cup of tea. How many hints could I drop? Can I tell you something that happened over the Christmas period? I stayed in Dorset with my dear friend Jane and her husband Jonathan and my godchildren, David Baddiel and family.

Your godchildren, David Baddiel and family? I had no idea. Is that allowed? They popped in, which was lovely to see them. And I haven't seen David's son, Ezra, for some time. Who's a big, handsome man now. Well, not only is he a handsome man, he's very cool, isn't he? Well, he would be.

Well, he's just so self-assured. And we love both of them. I mean, I'm a big Dolly fan. But I don't know Ezra so well. And I was a bit intimidated by how cool he is. Oh, right. He's just, he's so slick. What was the main sort of warning sign, the first sign of coolness?

Of the coolness? Yeah. I'll tell you, and I'm not saying that David's not cool. What would you say to that, Frank? I don't think he's particularly cool he used to be cool at least he can say that I've never been cool

it's just a sort of cool band thing and he said to me I went to take a photo of him with my dog Ray because he liked my dog Ray and I took a photo and he said I'll have a look at that I said I'll send it to you he said can you airdrop me and because said, oh, I'll have a look at that. Can you, I said, oh, I'll send it to you. He said, oh, can you airdrop me?

And because he was so cool, I sort of panicked and I didn't really know how to airdrop him. I think I could do that. Well, I normally can, but I panicked in the face of his coolness. OK. So I said, yeah, I'm just airdropping you now. And I was actually Googling how to airdrop him. Oh, no. But airdropping is just

you just do it the same except you get that little circle go around it didn't come up and I forgot how to access it and I panicked anyway when he got the picture I'd cut his head off a little bit and I said oh I don't think he's quite tall well I said I'm not sure

it's very good Ezra should we set up another one we can take another one you know what he I'm not sure it's very good, Ezra. Shall we set up another one? We can take another one. You know what he said? Go on. He said, nah, it's a bit corporate doing that. I love him. He's fine. Okay, you won me over now.

I wasn't sure if he was cool. Oh, God, big talk. He's cool. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. He's cool. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My kid, Baz, had many beautiful presents. The one that sticks in my memory is, you know, he's absolutely obsessed with rock, rock music he got a kiss waffle

machine which makes waffles with the face of Gene Simmons the long tongued

blood spitting fire eating bassist of of Kiss Tongue in or out? Oh very much out

Yes and yeah so we had several of those over the Christmas holidays. I hadn't had a waffle for ages. Now, does the waffle tongue jut out from the border of the waffle, or is it contained within the circle? It's raised.

It's in relief, certainly. Oh, I don't like that. But it doesn't disrupt the circle. No, it doesn't. Because once you close the lid, you couldn't have an extended 3D tongue. Speak for yourself. No. You don't need to look like day one

of construction of the Sydney Opera House. But I did. It's very enjoyable. They're not backward in coming forward when it goes to merch. Kiss. You can get Kiss almost everything. Yeah, they've gone down the Pierre Cardin in the 70s route.

Oh, is that what Pierre Cardin did? Yeah, you'll see a lot of stuff on markets with Pierre's signature. Really? I think he sold his brand. Never sell your brand. Oh, man, it's PC gone mad. I have to say, hearing the name Pierre said in any other context than addressing me directly gives me a real horrible jolt every time.

Does it really? It just never happens. It's not a common name. Apparently in France it's a bit like being named Stanley. Okay. Or sort of Albert. It's quite an odd... Who's the most...

Apart from our beloved Novelli, when you think Pierre, who do you think, Frank? Who sits in the Pierre chair before our boy? Good one. Who's in the Pierre chair? I like the idea of the Pierre chair. It sounds a bit French. It sounds like a French word, doesn't it?

Is it Trudeau? Oh, it could be Trudeau. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good call. Or Cardin. You decide. Yeah. Oh, I don't know.

Any famous PA is 8, 12, 15. What about Brighton? Oh. There we go. Anyway, we haven't talked about the news other than my own personal news. And there's a sort of a theme that has run through this show since it began was it 13 years

ago yeah we have um we often keep an eye on the both ends of a particular world record and that is um world's tallest man world's shortest i see man i don't know why we've been very sexist with it we never talk about the world's shortest or tallest women. Well, it's the men that talk about it the most. Funny that. Funny that, eh? Exactly. It's not what you lot are like.

But, yeah. Ross Noble, he'll be gripped by this. It's one of his favourite things on the show. Is that right? Yeah, he loves it. He's a tall lad, isn't he, Noble? Is he? Not really.

I don't know. Take that. Not like Beanpole Suleimanra, 29, as the son called him. Can you believe that the son referred to a man, potentially the world's tallest man, as Beanpole? I just... Yeah. I mean, we've discussed this before as maybe even a potential feature

that's a slightly infantilising journalistic language where tall people are bean poles and everyone is scoffing chocks. It's sort of Beano language. And they'll say things like, when they refer to places like Hampstead, top people suburb. Top people. What do you mean by top people? And you also get tycoons. Yes. He's basically like Lord Snooty. But, yeah, so...

Can we point out, Frank, just for some previous, just so that, in case anyone doesn't know, yeah, there is the tallest man on record, this is very much my area, world's shortest and tallest man, was Robert Wadlow, Robert Pershing Wadlow. Right. He was 8 foot 11 from Illinois. Do you know who he is?

He's no longer with us, is he? No, he's no longer with us. He died around the 40s, I think he died. There have been other ones. There was the tallest man of the Holy Roman Empire, Anton de Frankenpoint. Goodness. Do you not know him?

Gosh, no. You really have studied this. He's my favourite, Frank. Do you not know about him? Anton de Frankenpoint. Goodness. Do you not know him? Gosh, no. You really have studied him. He's my favourite Frank. Do you not know about him? Anton de Frankenpoint. How do you check the tallest man in the Roman Empire? Holy. Holy Roman Empire.

Oh, sorry, the Holy. Well, even so. Yeah, even harder. Social media then was rubbish. Greatest German scrolls. There could be, you know, hidden taller people all over the Holy Roman Empire. They think he reached eight foot, the only person during that era. They know he died around 1595.

I mean, there weren't that many buildings that were that... I mean, if he was inclined to peeping Tomary, he wouldn't need any excess equipment. No, it's hardly peeping. Yeah, exactly. Just what he sees. Just elbow on your window sill. Say what you see, Anton.

Don't do that, Anton. Was it Anton? Anton do Frankenpoint. Hair Frankenpoint. Oh, hair Frankenpoint was at my window this morning. Oh, Frankenpoint was at my window this morning. Oh, God. I wouldn't mind, but he knows I've got a morganatic marriage. Is it morganatic?

Yes. Oh, well remembered, Frank. Yeah. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So, Beanpole Sulemana, I don't know his surname i still exactly his surname solomona um i think is is it abdul i think maybe in there samed solomona abdul samed but you know what we can do for convenience frank is call him awuchi which means let's go that's his nickname he likes to be called. Oh, okay. I told you I know that.

And he's Ghanaian, is that right? Correct. So he got measured at a clinic in Ghana as 9 foot 6, which would blow a hole in the official world's tallest man. Well, doctors estimated his height, and it's never good to hear an estimation from a doctor, I find. No. The official world's tallest man is currently Sultan Khosin.

Yes. Okay. We haven't said that. How tall is he, Frank? He's about 8'11", is he? Is that right, Pierre? 8'3". Oh.

Oh, I love him. Shorty. Robert, was it Wadlow? Yes. He still reigns supreme. 83 oh oh I love Shorty Robert Robert was it Wadlow yes he still reigns supreme is that him

he's the big mannequin in Ripley's Believe It or Not Robert Pershing Wadlow yeah Ripley's Pershing's bit of an unfortunate middle name

Pershing's well I associate it with the US World War 1 general the missile I'm afraid yeah oh and the missile yes named after him as well anyway anyway so yes They're not associated with the... US World War I general. The missile, I'm afraid. Yeah. Oh, and the missile. Yes. Named after him as well, yeah.

Anyway. Anyway. So, yes, they estimated it. They hadn't got... Not unreasonably, they hadn't got a scale that went up past about seven feet. Fair enough. Which just was fair enough.

Although, there is a thing that you can do, isn't there, with a protractor where you can, if you know the two sides of a triangle, you can calculate the other side. I always thought that was absolute rubbish. I'm sorry. We did that in maths and I thought it was absolute rubbish. They would say, oh, if you carry on from here...

It's about time someone spoke out about Pythagorean mathematics. I absolutely think it's just completely... You know, we all have to keep our mouths shut because of, you know, the woke thing with Pythagoras. There's been a conspiracy of silence around Pythagoreans. It's PT gone mad, is what it is. It is it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it two lengths. That's right, isn't it? Right-angled triangle. Well, that's what they say. Well, presumably he represents a right angle. Yes, as long as he's standing up straight. Beanpole, Solomon. What I liked was Sultan Khosun, his response to this, he was furious. Yes.

Absolutely livid. To be fair, if you've been properly measured and that, and someone's saying, with a protractor case you think there might have been a snake nearby in ghana you know how snakes are supposed to do that thing if they're going to eat you they sometimes they'll lie next to a sleeping man and make sure that he fits in them before they all right sometimes sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes. God, have I made this up?

No, you haven't. So if a man is sleeping and someone will say, I don't want to worry you, Craig, but there's a snake lying next to you, obviously, seeing if you'll fit inside him. Yeah, it's sort of

like a sort of tailor. You know, I don't know about you, but like say, sometimes if I'm buying a T-shirt, I'm thinking, oh, I can't be bothered to try this on.

I'll just hold it against me. That's what the snake does. I do it with my dinners. Sort of hold them up against my chest. Yeah, will that fit? They've had stories about snakes that haven't eaten for days and the owners have been worried. Is that right?

And then they go to the vet, and the vet, as in a lot of these stories, always says, are you mad? That snake is clearly sort of weighing you up. It's preparing itself to eat you. And you get the famous pictures of a snake with a big lump in the middle

and it's at a goat. Yes. And it's just waiting for it to digest. Like, you know those, you know when your duvet goes into like one section of the duvet cover? Something like that, I hate that. It's one of my worst things. Absolutely one of my worst things.

So yeah, you'd think that they could have got a snake. Maybe they don't come that long either. No. I nearly said to Pierre, what's the longest snake in Ghana? But that's too much, even for him. So Sultan Khosin has been challenged. This is the official world's tallest man.

By Suleiman Abdul-Samed, a.k.a. Awuchi. Yeah. And Sultan responded, he didn't take this lying down, he doesn't take anything lying down. It would seem a shame if there's photographers around. Sultan said,

I have the biggest feet in the world. I wear size 61 shoes. And then he continued, which I think is fabulous. My records are registered. I am world cultural heritage. Did you say that when you got your MBE? I didn't. I believe the definition of a world heritage site is of outstanding value to humanity. I think it would be a bit boastful. Yes.

I actually got to do some material about that when I was in Liverpool on tour. I don't know if you were still with me then, Pierre, on tour. But I got to do some anti-UNESCO material, which is not something that crops up very often in stand-up. But they had taken away Liverpool's World Heritage Site status, which had not gone down very well, obviously, with the citizens.

You got to stick it to UNESCO. Yeah, they'd been asking for it for a long time. So one thing that the official, Salton, the official World's Tallest Man, said, and I quote, I will not lose my record to anyone. I'm determined about it. Now,

I've always been a great champion of determination. How much it helps with this particular title, I don't know. Could I, by sheer

eyes on the prize willpower, make myself the World's tallest man. Suleymano was sort of saying that maybe I'll get it one day as well. Yes, he did say. But how old is he? He might still be growing. He's 29.

He isn't still growing. He says he is. Well, he might. I believe he is. I think he has a growth illness. Maybe that goes on forever. Maybe that's right. Maybe that's believe he is. I think he has a growth illness. Maybe that goes on forever. Maybe that's right. Maybe that's what he meant.

He said because they sent someone out to officially measure him. Yes. There was a BBC reporter. What did he say at passport control? They said, what is the purpose of your visit? Yeah, and why have you got this 20-foot tape measure with you? Are you planning to eat someone? I'm measuring the world's tallest man in a Hans Christian Andersen map.

The great thing about it, he was a BBC reporter, I think, who went there. And they couldn't, you know when you measure a kid and you put the mark on the wall and then you measure, they couldn't find a building high enough for ages to put the mark on the wall and then you measure... They couldn't find a building high enough for ages to put his mark on the wall. I mean, God. No wonder Kevin Spacey got that usual suspect's job ahead of Suleiman. Yes.

You need that wall measure. If they couldn't find a wall high enough, imagine poor Anton Dufresne coming in and sweating. Oh, man, he must's been in big trouble. He's got a big fit of course as well, Sulaiman. Yes,

size. I do know, size 61, UK size. So just for comparison. Oh, I thought it was the official one

that's got 61. That is official. Sultan Kozin is the official. I'm going Sulaiman. Oh, Sulaiman's not official. I'm afraid. Sulaiman's the official one. It's got 61. That is official. Sultan Kozin is the official. I'm going Suleiman. Oh, Suleiman's not official. I'm afraid... Suleiman's the challenger.

I'm afraid the world's largest feet belong to someone else entirely. It's you, isn't it? What size? I'd put my feet up on the desk in triumph, but I wouldn't want to injure anyone. What size are you? I'm UK size 12.

Oh, that's not so bad. Okay, so by comparison, Sultan is UK size 26. Okay. Oh, okay. So not 61. 61 in European. Okay. So not so.

Not so what? I'll tell you what would worry me about that. One thing that really winds me up is if I'm in a queue, people always seem to think that I'm the one that they want to squeak. You know when you walk through a queue to get somewhere else? They always say to me, excuse me, and I think, why is it always me who has to move in a queue? Do I just look like that weak, lily-livered guy who's going,

right, if you've got size 61 feet, it's like a gateway to those people. You're constantly going to be the person they walk in front of in the queue. They're never sure if you're actually wanting to use the cash machine. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And as for Suleiman, he wears shoes made out of tyres. Yes.

Because his feet are so big. Well, he can't get shoes to fit him, so they make them with nails. A local man makes them with nails. And they're out of, I mean, to be fair, it's really size old tyres, but I wish when he's outgrown them, he'd stop leaving them at the side of motorways. Come on, litter bog. We've been talking about

famous Piers. Well, we haven't because we couldn't think of any. Well, we've got one here. We had a few. We had Pierre Cardin. Off-air, I thought of Albert Pierrepoint, the world's last hangman, which wasn't We haven't because we couldn't think of any. Yeah. Oh, we've got one here. We had a few. We had Pierre Cardin. Oh, yeah. Off air, I thought of Albert Pierre Point, the world's last hangman, which wasn't quite as pushing yet.

Not quite right. No. Well, someone suggests the footballer Pierre Van Hooydonk. Oh, yes. Will you allow that? Oh, yeah, definitely. That's famous. Will you allow Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang?

I won't, these days. I'm concerned. I think I could be completely wrong that he might be hyphenated. He strikes me as hyphenated. In which case, he could then say his first name was Pierre if he's tacked it

onto something else. We don't count the Jean-Pierre's? No, those guys. We've got a message in regarding my comment about how the name is perceived in France from what I've been told

from 9848. My father-in-law was called Pierre Guy as in Guy. And he preferred to be called Guy because he thought Pierre sounded common.

Sorry, Pierre. Happy New Year. Minnie and Nick. See, I always assumed it was... Sorry. Is it Peter? Have I got that wrong? It is Peter. I love Guy.

Guy. You see, the only other Guy I know is Guy Goma. Do you know who he is? No. He was the man who was interviewed on BBC News. They mistakenly thought he was an employee of Apple. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, of course.

Guy is also a type of butter, just to clarify. Lovely. Well, just to clarify, I got it. I was a little late, but I thank God I got it before the in-breath. You've got to get a joke before the in-breath. That's my slogan. I own a faz. Do you?

Where do you keep it? Next to yours. Okay. Next to your MBE. In the theme of Metal Dad, I just went onto the Royal Mail website to track a parcel. Lovely. And discovered they are selling Iron Maiden special stamps and collectibles,

including a signed framed stamp for £139. Well, we've already pre-ordered. You can get them cheaper than that. You can get them for about £17.50. You can with your connections now. I don't have any connections with the Maiden. Well, you have connections with the people on the stamps. The new lad.

What about the new lad on the stamp? You know him, Frank. New kid on the stamps. You said to Charles, what about if you see him? Will he do a single... The last time you saw him, what did you say? You said, I beseech you. I did, yeah.

Can you remind us what you said? No, he said he'd been reading comments on his iTunes, on his iTunes, YouTube channel. Yeah. And I said, I really, I beseech you. Because he's a prince. I don't do that. I really felt, I thought I had to be protected from doing that. It does need to be.

Because that would be some horrible stuff. I'm hoping he'll bring out a single in about 20 years called I'm Still Charlie on the Stamp. Like, I'm still Jenny on the Block, saying that he's managed to stay down to earth throughout his reign. That warning might have been the start of your journey to... It might have been. Because in medieval times, protecting the heir to the throne from harm would guarantee you some land or...

I think that's what it is. I think he said, do you know every stinking time? And no one mentions it. And Frank Skinner did. I think he's kept that in his head and thought, I like him. Yeah, you leapt between him and the rude comment online. He's obviously a fan. I took a, yeah, like I'm laying down a cloak for Elizabeth I,

that kind of thing. Yeah. Let me block that troll for you, my lady. Hand me your phone. Let me block that troll for you, my lady. Hand me your phone. But can you imagine the stuff he's likely to read if he starts reading comics? Oh, no.

Don't pull that embroidered thread. No, exactly. Especially not when you get your reward. No, well, I won't be bringing that up. I'll be too busy asking him on behalf of the Catholic Church if we can have our old churches back Oh don't bring that up A spirit of wokeness

Ruin the day for everyone Thanks for listening to us and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week Now get out This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio and this time next week. Now get out.