The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Memories

Episode Date: April 23, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss the unnecessary information they store in their heads, Britain's Got Talent and the Real Madrid trophy disaster.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, isn't it lovely to be alive when the sun's shining?

I was in Norwich yesterday morning. I got up very early and I heard birdsong, something I don't hear in my flat. I tend to hear police sirens and the occasional gunfire. And it was like watching an episode of Duty Free. I sort of remembered what Birdsong was like, but it still had an eerie strangeness about it. But lovely. If you want to text us about anything, not necessarily Birdsong,

but you can text us on 81215. Just whatever you like. You know, you're in charge. We have had a text in, Frank, about Bev Bevan. Oh, Bev Bevan. Well, don't say it like everyone knows who it is because i don't for starters no no do i this is from dean from birmingham which i think is birmingham yes it's birmingham how do you do it homes i know yeah exactly um hi folks on thursday bev bevin gets inducted into the beham walk of stars does frank agree that is the country it could be the boiled ham Walk of Stars. Does Frank agree that it's the country's... It could be the

Boiled Ham Walk of Stars. Well, exactly. I think Bev Bevan, I think he invented that stuff that's got the sort of bread crumb rim on the fat. Oh, really? Yeah. Does Frank agree that it's the country's second city we're struggling to find worthy recipients for the honour? He does acknowledge that you and Ozzy

are legends. Oh, legend. Yeah. What do you think about this? I sort of get a lot of that. People go, legend! I'm often mistaken for beer wolf. You see, that's where it comes from. I can see that. Yeah.

Who is Bev Bevan? Bev Bevan played drums for the move and then the electric light orchestra. OK. Wow. Can you sound a bit more impressed? No, the move, obviously. There's just a lot of things I hadn't heard of in that sentence.

They were a seminal, seminal. Can I say seminal, actually, this time? Yes. In this context, apparently, yes. I mean, there's quite a lot of footnotes on when you can and can't in the absolute manual. Absolute manual would be a great new station wouldn't it well you've had to you have to operate it all yourself with handles on the radio i'd like it better

personally well i suppose i do that but you know i mean for everyone um yeah but yes so the move you know yeah sitting watching flowers in the rain and then electric light talking sitting watching flowers in the rain what is this i don't. Sitting watching flowers in the rain? What is this? I don't know the move, Frank. Oh, OK. We're going to get loads of texts about the move now. I bet you. Well, anyway, so I think, you know, Beth Bevin,

Brom Rock and all that was a very important thing. I'm happy with Beth Bevin. I wasn't very happy with the blurt from the Archers getting it, because the Archers is not Birmingham, is it? No. No, wasn't it just the concept of the arches that won as well? Just the whole arches? The concept, yeah.

I don't think concepts should be getting their own paving stones. And what next? What's going to be? There's going to be what? Uncertainty is going to be on the Birmingham Walk of Fame. That'd be all right, wouldn't it? Yeah, it'd be good. I think the home of uncertainty is what it should say

as you drive into Birmingham on the motorway. Everyone should... Every city should have an emotion of some kind. Is uncertainty an emotion, though? Well, that's this morning's phoning, guys. And I look forward to your responses. What else? There's also the home of Flair's Nightclub,

lest we forget, can I just say. Flair's Nightclub, though, is sort of ironic. Also, that was one of the few cases of the Birmingham... The Birmingham Walk of Fame is like stars on the pavement, like what you see in Hollywood. Yeah. Outside, is it Grom's Chinese Theatre? Oh, very good. You're so well-travelled.

Yes. And it's very near the shop where I looked at that Madonna's sex book with the photos on the chain, which I think I've told you about before on this show. A Larry Grayson type glasses chain. You paid a dollar. Yeah, it was on a lanyard. Sex book on a lanyard, I know, I know, it's Hollywood, was what I sang that day.

Not so much Chinese theatre in Broad Street, more Chinese buffet. Yeah. But what they have done is, Noddy Holder's star on the Birmingham Walk of Fame is one of the few that's, in fact, the only one, I think, that's strategically placed, because they put it outside Flair's nightclub, which is in 70s base, so it all fits neatly.

But you're outside a bar. I'm outside a bar which I... No offence. A bar which is closed. Sort of works. Yeah, that would be perfect. A bar that is run dry. So, if you're in Birmingham, when is it being inaugurated?

Oh, he's not. There are no dates on here. Don't expect Bev Bevan dates. Oh, we're still... Sorry, we're still in the early stages. Oh, Frank, I'm sorry. He has told us it's Thursday. So if you're in Birmingham on Thursday, Bev Bevan, I imagine, will turn up.

What else is he going to be doing? What's he going to be getting? Getting a symbol? Getting the split in a symbol welded shot? Now he runs a removals agency so the move has come back. We can't top that. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. That was Viva La Vida by Ricky Martin, isn't it? Not Ricky Martin. What was that Spice Girls song called that sounded a bit like that? Viva Forever.

Oh, yes. I know all the vivas. Was that the one that went... No, that was Spice Up Your Life. Oh, OK. I saw there was a bit about... Spice Up Your Life! Geri Halliwell was in the tabloids this morning saying 2011 was her best year so far. I think she needs to recheck her records on that one.

Try looking around 96, 97. I think you might have a bit of a shocking story. She said it was her best year since records began. Is this? Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, there's a bit of a pun going on there. A bit punny for me yeah records have died

out really i can see frank we've had a text from gavin offer wolverhampton okay he signs it offer wolverhampton hoffer no offer oh wolverhampton is he um he's not offers dyke is he no no it's off of big brother oh i see you know i see um hey frank garrison that posh bird oh i'm quite like overhampton yeah um probably refers to kerry katona as that posh bird um i was at trenton monkey forest yesterday well that'll do me i don't need any more from that. Trent and Monkey Forest, how marvellous. I'm imagining battles between apes and Sylvanian families to the death while you sit in trees watching.

Whilst we were there, we gave one of the monkeys the nickname Frank because it bared a shocking resemblance to you. Oh, shocking, that sounds worrying. What I'm worried about is how many monkeys are there at Trenton Monkey Forest that you can name them? Well, exactly. I imagine there'd be hordes. Yeah. Maybe it could be your animal doppelganger. Everybody has a doppelganger somewhere, although not normally of the animal kingdom.

Well, Gavin says that, but I think it's quite possible, isn't it, that we do all have a doppelganger in the animal kingdom that we'll never meet how do you think so yeah i mean there could be a lemur now eating a bit of knot that looks exactly like you emily you know what i'm saying could well be yeah i don't mean exactly like you but i mean i mean obviously with more facial hair but um frank no well it that's a nice thing if i said less that would have been unkind in the extreme and not true we've had a text from

131 is uncertainty an emotion i feel like i'm not sure oh that's our big quest this one is to try and find out if uncertainty is an emotion i don't think it is is it it isn't it's a state of mind it's a risk yeah frank amanda

can frank remember the song when father painted the parlor if so can he sing a few lines isn't it papered the parlor well she's got painted i believe it goes when father paper the parlor you could save for paste dabbing it here, dabbing it there, paste to paste everywhere. Mother was stuck to the ceiling, the kids were stuck to the floor. I've never seen such a blooming family so stuck up before. I think that's how it went. Oh, I love that. That's lost, I would say, probably 100,000 listeners.

Just that tiny moment. I love the sound of the stuck-up family though it's always nice to be able to identify with a record of some kind yeah i don't know how i know that lyric it's brilliant i don't know where the song came from it sounds musical doesn't it not very much so it does and i think you were right about It is papered Because the paste element It's a giveaway It doesn't make any sense Okay

No it's very good So speaking of Birmingham Britain's Got Talent was in Birmingham this week Aye Let's save that because that was Oh exciting Orangeheadie This

This is Frank Skinner. This Absolute Radio. So, Britain's Got Talent, you were saying? Oh, yeah. Well, Gareth, you raised it. Yes. It started off, well, the big announcement for the start

was that for the first time ever it started off in Liverpool. Yeah. Which was exciting. Yeah. Ant & Dec arrived in a hot air balloon. Yeah, copiers. Yeah. Which was exciting. Yeah. Anton Deck arrived in a hot air balloon. Yeah, copiers. Yeah. I did that recently.

God, it's all been done now. And I never heard one... in the whole thing. Exactly. Maybe they don't drink coffee. I did really love it, actually. I like the new panel. We like Michael,

but then he's... Well, he's a friend of the show, really. He's never been on the show, has he? No. I like the new panel. We like Michael, but then he's... Well, he's friend of the show, really. He's never been on the show, has he? No. I've never met him. He's friend of the... Oh, I have met him. Friend of the people on the show.

Yes. That's what he is. But Hasselhoff and the jacket. Why has Hasselhoff got that strange Union Jack leather jacket? Well, there was a... What I like about Britain's Got Talent is you get... Obviously obviously there's three or four

different shows that happen there in the early stages, all put into one TV show. So their hair was quite, I think, I don't have any inside information, I think a make-up woman might have been dismissed. Because the first show, everyone had got the highest hair,

I've never seen Michael McIntyre's hair that high. And the Hoffs was extreme. And, I mean, Amanda, I'm thinking that the makeup woman arrived and said, I've got this new gel I want to try. Now, it says contains helium. But, I mean, let's just give it a go and we'll see. And the next bit, obviously, their hair had settled down a little. Although she'd gone into a sort of Billy Idol

thin. There were a lot of changes going on. So Frank, what do we think of the actual talent? Well, I always say that's the least important part. No, no, I did. I like... I'll tell you what's happening now, I think. This is post-Susan Boyle. This is my opinion.

If you could probably work out who's going to win, if you had a sort of a slide rule, a cosmic slide rule, that could measure the difference between appearance and talent, the gap. Because the worse you look on one side, and the most talented you are, you want someone who looks basically like they should be in a home, who then is absolutely brilliant. Orange hoodie.

Well, that's it, isn't it? He's not brilliant, though. Can we just talk about orange hoodie? No, but I'm right. Susan Boyle has set a precedent. You can't go on and look good. You've got to look terrible and be really good. That's the dream.

That's the dream, exactly. You've got to be good. You can't just put the dream that's the dream exactly you've got to be good you can't just put the citrus hoodie on and have a caesar crop and look a bit weird and sing really badly that doesn't work he couldn't sing it was terrible that guy can i say i had a very i had a very tense i hope i'm not speaking out of turn i had a very tense moment with the orange hoodie did not speaking out of turn. I had a very tense moment with the Orange Woody. Did you? Why? Just to opt the ante on watching the first. Britain's Got Talent, the first one's exciting enough. I watched it with

Michael McIntyre. Wow. So obviously, I thought, you better be funny or something. I don't know if I can carry off a ha-ha-ha-ha. Happily, he was brilliant on it, I thought. And I'm not just saying that. I thought he was great. But there's a bit where that bloke came on. And you know that Amanda Holden said,

the bloke had got tracksuit bottoms and an orange hoodie. And Amanda Holden said, he looks like he's going on a long haul flight. And then Michael McIntyre said, yeah, easy, Jack. Yeah. Right? Now, what do you make of that? I assume because it was orange.

What, Gareth? It was an orange. See, I thought he meant, yeah, not only is he on a long-haul flight, but it's obviously going to be very cheap travel because he looks incredibly downhill and impoverished. There's that as well. And I said, oh, it's good, that bit, because it's like the Susan Ball thing. You want to make him seem like you're all treating him with,

you know, you all think, oh, this bloke, he looks like he's at the very lowest end of the food chain. And then he's going to startle us with his guitar and voice. And he said, no, no. He said, I said that because he got an orange top on. Yeah. Easy to... I said, oh, I thought you meant he was, you know,

he was so squalid in appearance he couldn't fly on a normal... And he went, no! Is that what people are going to think, that I've said a horrible thing? And then I felt I spoiled his evening. And it was... Right. Because he... You two, obviously, I'm the exception.

You're the exception. You all thought EasyJet Orange. I assumed EasyJet. Yeah, I thought EasyJet Low Life. Yeah, no, I think there is the low life element, but I think Michael shouldn't worry, because I do think that makes it funnier. Well, I'm sure EasyJet will life. Yeah, no, I think there is the low life element, but I think, you know, Michael shouldn't worry because I do think that makes it funnier. Well, I'm sure EasyJet will be delighted with that.

Can we talk about Antonio Popeye? Because I have to say, I rather loved him. This is the man who is able to make his eyes sort of come out of his head. Yeah. So I can see clearly now. David Hasselhoff got all theological about it and said that God had meant him to be there.

He'd given him a gift and everything was in place in the works. Yeah. It's an interesting... I reckon with a strategically placed cattle prize, I could have done his act. I think if I was surprised enough. Yeah, you'd have to... But he keeps being surprised.

If I had enough surgery as well... I thought he could have done more with it. He could have... What I'd like him to have done is switch sockets. If he'd have done that with a twirl of the head and the left eye into the... So you could see, like, a sort of a cross. If you can imagine, like, a cross of sort of entrails,

nerves and various things across the bridge of his nose. Like he was wearing a pair of spectacles, a sort of eye-made spectacle, and then the eyes went into that blink, maybe looked at each other and then swung back. But maybe, you know, you have to hold something back for the second appearance. You know when you say...

That's what Lindsay Loughlin said to the judge. Apparently. You know when people say our eyes met across a crowded room? Well, he could actually do that. Yeah, I'd love to see his eyes met across a crowded face. And it was a fairly crowded face. There was all sorts going on, I thought.

I thought orange top... Did you like orange top? Yeah, I thought, yeah. No. You could play guitar as well. You're being fooled by the orange top and the weird hair. And the cheap jeans. Honestly.

Well, they weren't even cheap jeans. They were tracksuit bottoms. Oh, tracksuit bottoms, you're right. It's like a man who wasn't allowed to have any sharp stuff. Not even zipped. We need to talk about the comic as well in a minute. Oh, no, I like the comic. The small child.

He was good. We need to talk about other stuff. well in a minute. Oh no, I like the comic. The small child. He was good. We need to talk about other stuff. No one's calling in. I feel trapped and isolated from the world. Like I'm in some sort of compression chamber. What about that? Do you want me to have that in my life? Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute

Radio. That was Cage the Elephant around my head. Do you think they ever caged the elephant at Trent and Monkey Forest? Is it Trent, anyway? You can text us on 8-12-15 if there's anything you want to say. Yes, 587 has said, I thought EasyJet Low Life 2, Frank. So he thought that was what the joke was. Oh, well, you see.

It was a double. Works on you see. It was a double. Well, it's on both levels. It does, yeah, but I think, well, obviously one is a bit crueler. Frank, 131, shouldn't the guy with the bulging eyes be on Pop Idol? Very good joke. Why don't people give their names? Do you know what I like about comics? Michael McIntyre.

Frank, can I tell you what I like about comics? The way comics go. Very good joke. Why don't people give their names? Do you know what I like about comics? Michael McIntyre. Frank, can I tell you what I like about comics? The way comics go, very good joke. It's quite an angry way. I've noticed they do that. Oh, no. Gareth just said that. Very good joke. That's funny.

I love comedy in all its manifestations. So, no, I would never say that. I could tell you some people. I wouldn't laugh at someone else's joke to save their life. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway. So I went and saw Limitless. Oh, did you?

Are you aware of it? I am vaguely aware of it. The whole theory. It was... I don't know if I might have mentioned this before, but my girlfriend's sister is living with us at the moment. And we have what we call the cinema club, me and Rachel, because my girlfriend's not a big fan of the cinema.

In fact, since she saw Black Swan, she said she'd never go to the cinema ever again. So that's caused a slight problem with our cinema going. So I go with Rachel, my girlfriend's sister, and we went to see... We have our cinema club, and this week it was Limitless, and it's about the idea, which I hadn't heard before, that apparently we can only access 20% of our brains.

Urban myth, love. You can't reach the back bit at all. Is it an urban myth, is it? I think so, yeah. Oh, well, anyway. I've got confirmation coming through, but anyway. You've got confirmation coming through? We've got a scientist on the line imagine you're standing feeding ticker tape between your index finger and thumb at the side of a 1960s machine um anyway uh the it's i really like the film and um and i it struck me that this bloke,

he kind of suddenly could remember everything that had ever happened, everything he'd ever read and learnt, which would be brilliant. But then there's loads of stuff. For example, the lyrics to Father Paper, The Parlour, are not something I use practically very often. The fact that they were in... I started the song and they kept coming, the lyrics.

I didn't know i knew them if you know what i mean yeah so um well no there's been a theory in the paper this week hasn't there that um as you get older your memory gets worse not because you're getting slower just because there's more stuff in your brain that's why people say oh i can remember stuff that happened to me at school but i can't remember what happened yesterday. They're all full up, all their shelf space. Which is true. That's been taken. Your server gets full. For example, I can remember my mum's co-op divvy number.

386 314. Divvy number? Yeah. I was given a divvy number at school, but it was a different sort of divvy. Yeah. I imagine yours was number one. No, there used to be a thing called the co-op dividend stamps they might still exist i don't know i'd feel guilty about claiming them now but if anything you bought from the co-op you used to get um stamps but my grandma had you put them in a little booklet

yes that's it then you could get stuff with them not dissimilar to the welcome gifts that Michael Parkinson offers to old age pensioners on daytime television. Anyway, so yeah, so the milkman was the co-op milkman. So when he came, if my mum was out, he'd say, what's your divvy number? I'd say 386 314. And he'd give me the amount of stamps. He didn't give me any stamps for a pint of milk. I think he might have got one stamp.

You could buy a television from the co-op. That was quite a lot of stamps. Mrs. Faraday down the road. I bet that was good quality. When they buried her husband, the funeral was done by the co-op. She bought a radio cassette player on the stamps from that funeral.

From darkness riseth light. So I still remember my mum's Divi number. I don't need that. I can't get rid of it. I recently played a computer game online that I used to have when I was a kid. Oh, slow week, was it? Discovered.

I could remember whole levels. It was the one where you explore its first person and you go round and shoot zombies. Doom. And I could remember whole levels in my head, like it was, you know, a place I'd visited and gone, oh, yeah, I've been here before. I'm not going to need that.

See, I've got the Co-op Divi number, but when a policeman asked me my licence plate number the other week, I couldn't... I actually said, can you give me the first letter? Well, they weren't... It's not like a quiz. I don't know my home phone number. No, but that doesn't surprise me, in fairness. Do you know where your home is? How do I know, Frank?

I imagine you leave Bournemouth with a long expanse of cotton, which you then use to get back home. Do you know what I find depressing? I can't remember my credit card pin number, but I know that the executive producer of Dallas was Philip Capice. Because I watched it so often. Well, I can remember that the producer

of Tom and Jerry was Fred Quimby. That's now good to me. Yeah, in the twirly writing. Oh, very heavy on the cue. Flamboyant on the cue of Quimby. I hate that I know Paul Coyer's name. I hate that he's in there somewhere, wrestling around. I hate that he ever existed in many ways.

You know, I know the sheriff from Bonanza, Roy Coffey. And the manservant. Can you still have a manservant? Hop Singh. I can. Remember Hop Singh? Oh. Hop Singh, I believe his name was taken from uh two of the items on his

specialist skills on his on his cv he was nearly called horse riding conversational french well it wouldn't have worked for a chinese man servant hey don't you think frank as well i always you always remember the register so you remember all these names of kids because it was read out every day so it's just that thing of repetitive learning so like like Cornelius Wright, Jasper Thornton, all these people I went to school with. Did you go to the Hogwarts? Cornelius Wright and Jasper Thornton. I can't help it.

That's who I went to school with. Oh, God, I can see them now queuing at the talk shop with Billy Bonta just coming down the corridor. Billy Bonta, I can see them now queuing up the talk shop with Billy Bonta just coming down the corridor. Billy Bonta, I think, has obviously been driven out by political correctness. I never liked him anyway, the fact that he... Anyway, what about that for a text? And what information do you have which is no longer

necessary? Like it. But then all that information is going to come in and be in our heads and it's going to push out some important stuff. Well, that's... Yeah. Yeah, well, you you know there's still i don't know how you do it there must be a way of unloading the old stuff but then again do i really want to let it go i'd miss hop sing if you went from my consciousness frank we've had some texts in about useless information that people can still remember.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. I can remember that Elvis's army serial number is 53310761. But yesterday I completely forgot my four-digit credit card number. I did have a great day pavement racing in the sun, though, from Russell. I think the sun has taken the edge off of the pavement racing do you why well i don't get too stinky you know what i'm saying oh i don't mean fine anyway um hi frank i can remember my mum's car's reg my no my friend's mum's car's registration it was c you can remember that you can't even read it from a text it was c250 dyf are we allowed

to say it she could be traced now if that car still exists what would they say if they found her i don't know but i think there is a company that will buy that car or any other car if i remember right it rings a bell that just the concept of people buying any car. It's a Volvo Estate in Silver. Is it? Yes. His name is Robert. Oh, his is Ian. A lot of information. Yeah, a lot of information.

Yeah. Now, that's in my mind. And I won't be able to forget. Actually, now I've forgotten it already. But you still remember Cornelius Wright and Jasper Thornton. You won't forget that. Well, I remember the sense of them. Hi, Frank, Emily, and the G.

I don't know if I like the G. The G. He's very G, though. It's a bit Return of the Mac, the G. Return of the Mac, I'd say, will be about September for me. At the moment, I'm OK with the denim jacket. Having worked at Morrison's on the checkouts throughout my college years, I can still remember all the quick codes that were typed in for fruit and veg.

Can't remember some of my current colleagues' names, but I can still remember all the quick codes that were typed in for fruit and veg. I can't remember some of my current colleagues' names, but I can remember those codes. Prisoner255, Jack Redditch. Fabulous. I had, you know, just little things in life that can really spoil your day. I had

milk the other day. I had a carton of milk. And I have great faith in the written word. And according to this milk carton, the use-by date was the next day. So I thought it's got to be all right. It was on the turn, I believe, is the phrase. But I must have had about four cups of tea.

I would not. I would not buy more milk. I just didn't want to go out for a pint of milk. And also, it was in date. And every tea had a sort of a yogurty, cheesy... There weren't bits, were there? There weren't bits. Now, I draw the line at bits.

I always draw the line at bits. I'll walk. I'm in the spa on bits. When I say the spa, that's with an R before anyone gets confused. However, I'm in the spa on bits. When I say the spa, that's with an R before anyone gets confused. However, I'm in the actual spa. You're in the actual spa, I realise that. But, no, it really spoiled me. And I stopped with it rather than going out and get a pint of milk.

Oh, Frank, you let yourself down. It was as if the sourness permeated my very being. And isn't it odd how one little thing like that can really spoil your day? Like, for example, now, sunglasses are obviously de rigueur. And I find that I have the glasses. I go out in the sunglasses because it's sunny. Yeah. So I don't take the case with me

because I don't want to bulk out a denim jacket pocket. There's very little pocketage anyway in a denim jacket. The one I've got has no breast pocket on the left. It's a fashion statement. Well, it has sort of a dark patch where a breast pocket could be. Could be, but has never been. It's a sham. So, of course, when I'm going home and it's dark, I can't be wearing the sunglasses.

I have to hang them somewhere on me. Oh, gosh. Because you can't put them in a pocket. Oh. Sometimes, no. That doesn't always work. No, no. That's where I put my trilby.

So I'll do that thing of putting one stem, one stem in a pocket sometimes of the shades. And I don't like that. What I've taken to doing in recent years is on the on the neck of my t-shirt you haven't gone lanyard no on the neck of my t-shirt i'll hang them there at the front of my t-shirt and i've noticed now this one's not too bad but now my t-shirts have started to get a small lip at the front where the sunglasses hang i look like my like my head's emerging from a large milk jug so i've ruined i've ruined the colors on quite a few oh no just those little that i know those little things once i notice that on a t-shirt that's my day gone i have a similar beverage

issue frank wouldn't it be lovely though on a hot weather like this you could lean forward and the sweat could run out the lip of that like you were a human a human jog be lovely how dare you um i have a similar beverage issue which is when i have a cup of tea and maybe i haven't made it myself i'm just saying sometimes in life tea gets made for me deal with it yeah and when there's a little bit too much milk a little bit and it's like a warm brown milkshake that's not what tea should be no it's not i can't bear. And it actually ruins my day. And I go off the person as well. I'm enjoying the brackets.

So any interns in Star McLean, just there's a little... Ruins my day, full stop, brackets. And I go off the person as well. And ruins their career. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Fluorescent adolescent arctic monkeys. I wonder if there's any of those in Trenton Monkey Forest. I should think not. They wouldn't be able to cope with the sudden change in temperature, would they? I imagine they'd split, and I hate that. You know, sometimes when you see a monkey that's been taken from one severe temperature to another, they go under the armpits. We've had a nice text from James Knight. It says, love you, Frank, from unemployed electrician Didsbury. I like that that's his full title, unemployed electrician Didsbury. I like that that's his full title, Unemployed Electrician Didsbury.

It makes sense because I think they recently abolished the debt sentence in Didsbury. So I'm guessing he was the chair engineer. Chairman of the company. Yeah, he was the chair expert. Frank, we were talking about kind of useless information you still

retain. James in Tooting says, Morning, Mr Skinner and friends. A number I cannot get out of my head is... One thing he can't remember is your names. Yeah, exactly. Well pointed out. I think friends, if you don't mind me saying, is pushing it. Frank.

Well, you know, I think we've moved now to a professional status. Showbiz friends, maybe? Well... Go on. I don't really have any. You just said you were watching Britain's Got Talent with Michael McIntyre. Yes, but I was a hostage. Try and be none of the people. He hates his guts.

He doesn't really. Morning, Mr. Skinner and friends. A number I cannot get out of my head is Victor Meldrew's phone number from One Foot in the Grave. Whenever he answers the phone, he says, 4291. I cannot wait for it to be an answer in a quiz. I actually don't believe that.

Don't you? It was a Victor Melcher. I have fantasised about questions. I'll tell you what, I've got one of my recurring fantasies. This is pathetic, but me and David Baddiel was once on a celebrity who wants to be a millionaire. Yeah. I presume a rhetorical question under the circumstances.

You did very well, actually. We got to £500,000, and the question was, what is the national flower of Japan? And I said, you know, it was one of those, we talked about it, and I said, well, you know, if I had to guess, I'd say chrysanthemum. I said, but, you know, I'm just thinking about the charity, thinking about those children, what people always say. And it was Chrysanthemum, but we didn't take it. And I always imagine, I've had this fantasy 100,000 times, no, 18 times. So I keep a very, very distinct journal.

I always, I go for for Crisanto and we win. And then the question, the final question is always in my fantasy. What counted did WG Grace play cricket for? And I know it. Why I've arrived at that? I don't know. But it would just have been the sad... And I always think, would I come straight out with it? Would I

pretend I was unsure just to build up the tension? I can see David Baddiel covered in silver glitter in my fantasy. Oh, dear. Not for the first time, to say. Frank M and Gareth, is the waste bin behind Frank an homage to an orange hoodie as it's wearing one? Yeah, that's a recycling bag.

Maybe that's what that man was wearing. The thing is, that bin can sing beautifully. I think it could do really very well. Well, I like that man. I thought he was good. I don't like how they set up the fact that he was a little bit chubby by showing him and his girlfriend eating muffins and that they proposed an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

Well, his girlfriend ate all food the way I only eat popcorn in a cinema. When I eat popcorn in a cinema, I am like the Chinese cat. You know, the Chinese waving cat. It's just the arm going up and down, that's all it is. And I don't stop until I've reached the bottom. I think I always have that slight tension if I'm with a male friend, that they'll do that grotesque thing that men apparently sometimes do through the bottom of a popcorn tub tub in a cinema it's never happened

to me or sweet it's never happened to well never mind their nicknames and they're just people i go with and uh oh and what was i talking about yeah so she ate like that the girlfriend she just had food food but she was you know she was pregnant i've always thought if you're pregnant or better off certainly if you're writing in the Grand National He said the pregnancy just happened Yeah I imagine that can happen If you wear very very loose clothing like he does

I think that could happen That could happen squeezing past each other in the kitchen This is Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio No but the thing is if I put my sunglasses on my head, I just know it's only a matter of time before I say to someone, have you seen my sunglasses? And I have to face the humiliation of them saying,

they're on your head. Or maybe if they're people who work for me, they wouldn't even say it, they'd be too... Yeah. Like when I've rung people and gone, I've lost my phone! Yeah, that one. I have done that. I have done that. I'm leaving the house now, I can't find my phone! Yeah, that one. I have done that. I have done that.

I'm leaving the house now. I can't find my phone anywhere. I've said that to people on the phone. Oh, God. Terrible thing. Frank, we've had an interesting text from Gavin. I got a huge Easter present on Thursday from a firm I have to visit through work. I know what you're thinking.

I know it wasn't a giant Easter egg. In fact, it was a frozen turkey. Is it traditional to give turkeys at Easter? I'm not complaining, just that it was a bizarre gift, especially when the firm was in fact a prison. Gavin? A frozen turkey? This is like a Nancy Drew mystery. Frozen turkey

from a prison. I would have a look. I bet there's someone inside that. That's an escape attempt. You're right. Yeah, because someone will say, I'm not taking on an Easter egg in this heat, but I'll do 24 hours in a frozen turkey if it means freedom. I think we've all said that in our time.

Oh, I've certainly said that. I did. I did it to get out of a club in Bangkok. Well, that's a mystery. Maybe someone will know the answer to that. But I don't think turkey is traditional. It's traditional. I don't think it is. I have to say, Emma, the producer,

has just dropped an absolute bombshell during that record that she's actually been to Trenton Monkey Park. Can you... Sorry, Forest. Monkey Forest. And we spoke about it, and she never even gave a hint of such a thing. Incredible. Who'd have thought that?

She actually said that the monkeys are not separated from the public they just walk around was the phrase she used i don't think i don't think of them as big walkers do you what do you mean what in the cafeteria do they queue but do they walk i was trying to say i imagine they take one or two steps from maybe you know i only see them going from tyre to tyre or in trenton monkey forest from bow to bow i imagine frank my fuck can i just say my final thing she said that she and i think that trenton monkey forest could use this as their slogan uh she said when i said what's it like she said there's not much to it wouldn't you love that trenton monkey forest there's not much to it well there's a forest and some monkeys what more do you want yeah but there's no much to it. Well, there's a forest and some monkeys. What more do you want?

Yeah, but I don't understand the restraints. Is there people with tranquilizers? I'm turning away from my microphone. I met a radio producer this week who said to me, she said, do you know, and one who hadn't been to Trenton Monk, she said to me, do you know, she said,

I've worked with presenters who don't even look at the red dot when they're talking. I don't even know what that is. No, I said that. I said, I don't know what the red dot is. And she said, well, there's a red dot, you know, on the microphone that you have to look at when you're talking to make sure you're talking. Is there? Oh, dear.

This worries me that the only person I've ever spoke to with complete clarity is Indira Gandhi. Anyway. Frank, you know that turkey. Hold on. Do they have knockouts? Do they have people with knockout guns at Trent and Monkey? No. They don't? Well, that's a bit worrying, isn't it? No, I don't believe her. She said it in a really... No.

Anyway, I think we should go there. Let's go there somewhere. No, I don't want them to have the knockout guns. Frank, you know where to... Well, I'm going. I shall take a large polo mallet. Will you stop going on about Trent and where to... Well, I'm going. I shall take a large polo mallet. Will you stop going on about Trenton Monkey Park? Forest?

I'm sorry. It's no park. It's no park. I'm trying to make it sound more picturesque. Oh, no, it's heavy on the tree front. A nice email from Andy, Frank. Read Turkey in prison. Was he doing Bird? Oh, Andy.

Fiddle up in it. Never mind this. Can we please talk about one of my favourite things that happened this week, which was a bit of droppage? Did you see the Real Madrid team with the trophy? The Copa del Rey got dropped. I loved it. I've watched it so many times.

Oh, it took ages, though, didn't it? Once they dropped it, it took ages for them to get it back it was underneath the bus why were there paramedics gathering round as well in case you don't know real madrid won um the sort of spanish version of the fa cup this week and then when they went on the big open top busting um yeah one of them was it a defender which was brilliant i wish it'd been the keeper yeah that would have been embarrassing yeah but he dropped it and it got sort of wedged onto the bus. Well, it got wedged and then there was loads of kind of Spanish voices.

And then they all huddled around in paramedics jackets to look at the car. It was because I watched it on the internet, but it was the Spanish commentary on it, you know. So I couldn't really tell completely what was happening. But obviously when you see footballers on an open top thing, the trophy is quite a central prop. And once they'd lost it, they started, like, dancing and stuff. It was tragic. And waving, and that was all they could do. It made me think that maybe Kate and William

should have some sort of trophy with them in the coach. It makes a big difference. William's got his wife. He's gone rather nasty. He's got a bit of gossip magazine. Yeah B.R. He's gone rather nasty. He's gone a bit gossip magazine. Yeah, he has. Frank, I liked it when... Working with Dorothy Parker.

I liked it when, I think the defender's Sergio Ramos. Oh, yeah, Ramos, yeah. He said, the cup has fallen. I thought, no, you dropped it. It didn't fall of its own accord. It's a great quote, though, the cup has fallen. The cup has fallen. I went to the...

England's cricket team won the Ashes in 2005, which, if you're not interested in cricket, is a big deal. And they went on an open-top coach thing. And they were all so... I don't think this is controversial. They were very drunk. It looked like there'd been an alien abduction and ripped the top off the night bus and shone in a bright light

because it was daylight, but everyone on there, it just looked like, God, I wouldn't want to be on that thing. And this looked not like that. This looked like everyone was being lovely and nice. And then it was great, footballers looking over the edge to see where it had gone was such a sweet image. I loved it. But it's that horrible moment as well when you drop something,

like food, that's bad. When you drop a piece of food and you just think, it feels like it goes on forever. Well, you say it's bad, but, you know, I've worked in this business now for some 20 years. No, 25 nearly. And I've had a few moments a few highs you know i've had great live geeks tv i mean you know it's gone all right and there's been some real peaks

but i don't think i've ever had as loud a cheer and applause as when i dropped my tray in the dinner hall at albury technical school in about 1971 and and it was always the case if somebody dropped their tray the whole place rose up well what about when i dropped a tea steady oh okay what about when i dropped a tea service i was staying with the chairman of bp and i dropped his tea service we were at his country house cucumber hall how old were you at this point? I was about nine. I dropped the entire service. Oh, God, how did he take it? He was very charming about it.

I imagine it was a bit oily on the handle. That's what puts me off the BP chairman's mansion, that it's on every surface. Oh, no. Oily, oily, oily. Well, look, what about that for a texting? What's the worst thing you've ever dropped? No trousers or anything. No not although i did do that i did drop my trousers in front of kenny ball and his jazz men but um that's not the kind of anecdotes we have on this show thank god

this is frank skinner on absolute radio that was pure by Lightning Seeds. Never mind Pure. You were talking about Fred Quimby. Isn't that your family motto? Yeah, very much so. It's above my bed. You were talking about Fred Quimby. Do you remember that, Frank? Yes, of course.

The producer of Tom and Jerry. We've had a text in from Rob who says, Dear Frank, are you aware of a Royal Naval tradition? When we used to watch Tom and Jerry. Yeah. Well, we've had a text in from Rob who says, Dear Frank, are you aware of a Royal Naval tradition? When we used to watch Tom and Jerry films at sea, when Fred Quimby's credit appeared as one, we would all cheer and shout, Good old Fred, this happened on every ship in the fleet. Did he?

Yeah. Extraordinary. Well, you have to make your own fun at sea, don't you? Yeah. How marvellous. Well, it's a step up from making them walk the plank, I suppose. And grog. Do they still have grog? You have to make your own fun at sea, don't you? Yeah. How marvellous. Well, it's a step up from making them walk the plank, I suppose. And grog.

Do they still have grog? I wouldn't know. It's a long while since I've been to see the boys on the ship. Yeah. That's great, though. The next time I watch a Tom and Jerry, I'm going to shout good old Fred. Sometimes it's not Fred Quimby. And when it's not Fred Quimby, it tends to be... You know those ones when...

Don't say good old Fred when you're watching a show about serial killers. No, don't do that. But if it's not Fred Quimby, it can be those modern Tom and Jerry's. You know when Jerry talks? He sort of talks. I hate that. I hate it. Oh, man. That's so bad. We were talking about worst things we'd ever dropped. Emily, you have to hold the world record for dropping names. That's so bad. We were talking about worst things we'd ever dropped.

Emily, you have to hold the world record for dropping names. That's from 131. That's what Russell Crowe said to me. Alex in Plymouth. I dropped some meat from a grill once. As I went to pick it up, the grease on the grill spat up and set my hair on fire. God, is it Alex Ferguson? Set his whole face on fire by the looks of things.

That's terrible. I think the worst thing I dropped was a... or a bad thing to drop, a teapot lid. Just a lid of a teapot. What was the teapot made of? China. Oh, so did it shatter? Yes.

Well, then what do you do? Then you've just got the teapot without a lid. Teapot. What about those little you know those little shower caps you put on homemade jam do you think that would work yeah you get a bit of gingham an elastic band and and that would i think that would be all right you know you could reinforce it with a cozy if you're worried i don't mean the woman that um cheryl cole sent home

oh no that wasn't that was that was uh no i'm thinking the big brother one with the enormous yeah yeah that was oh i thought you meant sophie amok bokpoo that's another story no no no that's behind us that's that's yeah who remembers that now the the national treasure fighting in a public lavatory with sophie amok bokp I do. Frank, recently on the show, you were talking about awkward silences. Do you recall? Yes. Oh, I love it.

I love it when life imitates art. Well, we've had an email in about that. Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, I'm an expat living in Thailand and they have the perfect solution to awkward silences here. When you stop and talk to someone, as soon as you said what needs to be said, you

just walk off. There's no need for a goodbye or a closing statement. It's the same on the phone. You might get... Yeah, I think that's something to do with the people who one might speak to in Thailand, isn't it? What he's talking about is you don't have a cigarette afterwards. Oh, I see.

It's the same on the phone. You might might get hi what time does the film start 8 p.m what time should we meet 7 50 which do you know what frank i love the idea of this because i find signing off phone conversations you know saying the goodbye stuff really stressful because i'm quite an ott theatrical person i'm sure you'll all agree yeah and i say love you lots to a lot of people do you that's another story yeah but now i'll say so for example i said it the other day to my solicitor by mistake oh no you don't want to say love you lots to your solicitor i said okay okay bye bye love you lots love you lots oh how mortifying god it's a bit that's the of thing a married actor probably says to his solicitor. And I don't like it when people as well, when they're signing off and they go, oh, well, look, I'll let you go.

You're probably busy, so I'll let you get off. And I think that's them. They don't want to take responsibility because they're actually wrapping up the conversation. Yeah. No, conversation is a bit like a game of chicken, isn't it, where you have to... I sometimes say, I'll see you later, to complete strangers. Who you won't see. People who I will never see.

No, that's true. I think I've fallen into that. I think conversation is like a plate of chicken. How do you sign off, Frank? Well, I used to... For the first 30 years of my life, it was never, ever anything other than terrarbit. I mean, that was all I ever said.

And my brother still says that. And I still think he's taking that. I see it, then he goes, terrarbit. And I've stopped. If I do it now, I'm doing it, you know, self-consciously. Yeah, terrarobit. By the way, I just bumped into Sean Allen Moy

in the hallway, and he was wearing denim shorts. He was not. But not cut off. I'm talking about the small turn up. Really? Yeah, I'm talking about, not Tom Sawyer, but sort of, if you could imagine Tom Sawyer had been picked up by Simon Cowell and smartened up a bit. So a denim cut off. Tom Sawyer meets Pride, or what sort of thing are we talking about?

Yeah, I thought you meant like the girl from the Dukes of Hazzard. No. Those sorts of denim shorts. Yeah, well, they're not that short. Yeah, imagine if she went to a Muslim country on holiday. It was those kind of things. He carries it off well, but just when you hear him all professional on the news, I just want you to think of those shorts.

I know I will. I'm going to investigate imminently. Yeah, my other thing is that, well, I'll tell you, I met Charlie Cray. Stop name dropping. Yeah, he's the sort of, he's the lesser of the Cray twins. Yeah. And it's a bit like meeting Ringo. And he did a thing where, when he said goodbye to me,

he put the tips of his fingers and thumbs together kissed them and then sort of waved his hand at me as if he was throwing love at me i was sprayed with love by charlie craig went a bit liberace on you yeah i was sprayed with love by charlie craig would be not a bad album track not a single i don't think I'd bring it out as a single, but maybe about track seven. Or a kiss and tell story. Yeah. Well, maybe not tell, as it was Charlie Craig. Kiss and keep it to yourself.

Ben Jones has got a baseball cap. He always wears a baseball cap. Yeah, I know. That's hardly breaking news, Shawl Adamoy. You can calm down. But he's also got a big sort of motorbike helmet thing. So does he wear the cap underneath like the Nigella Burkini? Does he have it over the helmet is what I'm saying. Oh, I hope he wears it on top of the helmet.

That would look brilliant. That would be like someone from the carnival. No, I'm assuming that he has a dispensation, not unlike the Sikhs. You know, the Sikhs don't have to wear helmets because they've got their turbans. Yeah. They're a very quick changeover. You know, when they do the cup trick with the cup and ball helmet hat.

Can I say that Ben Jones now next door has gone model and, yeah, it does look like, you know when you see mascots from American baseball, the enormous head with the baseball on top. I'm sure this is very entertaining for those of you who can't see. If we could get a cam thingy in there. Yeah, webcam thing. What's it called?

I keep calling them camcorders. Webcam. Webcam. Thank you very much for that. I've adjusted the webcam so it's on Emily as well. Have you? People are getting very distressed. Don't pander to those sordid texts.

I've told you that before. Oh, go on, do pander to those sordid texts. I've told you that before. Oh, go on, do pander to those sordid texts. Have you been to a Trenton Panda first? By the way, there's only one in there, and it died in 1978. But still, you can still see it. Yeah, there's still more to it than there is to Trenton Monkey. I've got to go there now.

I'm sure there must be some sort of golden pass you can get in. If I go in there, I want my own knockout dots. And that's for me, not for them. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 131 says, anyone with a significant lip hair could sign off mustache. Now, that would be good.

If Willie Thorne's listening to this show, Benny's thinking, I'm having that. Can I say, having been on the dole for three and a half years at one time, that the phrase signing off every time you say it still brings a terrible shiver down my spine. Oh, right. No, no, it's good news. It was signing off meant you'd got a job, which was terrible.

Couldn't get any worse. Can we talk about the Burkini, please, before we go? I might go to Capital Radio after we've won those little lasers and sign it on the scene and they'll think red dot. I have to speak straight into that. They could do the whole show like this. Welcome to Capital Radio. I could ruin the whole station.

Too late. They've already done it. That's why a DJ always notices if he's about to be assassinated yeah good point sorry yeah i've been a bit obsessed by did you see those pictures of nigella lawson this week on the beach they were in every newspaper they were everywhere in the watch yeah in the burkini the burkini so do you are you familiar with this garment gareth i had never seen one of those before, no. What, a woman? Well, is it a woman? Is it Nigella Lawson?

It's hard to tell. Well, exactly. But what's interesting is there's a sort of visor underneath the hood of the burkini. Yeah, I think she does quite a lot of welding. I don't know if you're aware of that. The chassé went on my Lamborghini, and I took it round their place. does quite a lot of welding um i don't know if you're aware of that um she did the chasse went on my lamborghini and i took it around their place and uh it was nice she did uh she did that and uh she did a lovely uh fried onions and uh egg thing at the same time she did on the radiator

she's multi-talented but quite seriously looking at did think, oh, that looks very liberating. Did you? I have to be honest. No, if that was what a Muslim woman were in it, you'd think, oh, God, how oppressive. Well, no, you know why I found it liberating? Because the bikini hideousness, I'm sorry, bikini hideousness.

Yeah. Bikini hideousness, what a band they were. Second album, I think, was good, though. Frank, the preparation involved. There's the waxing. There's the exfoliating. There's the... I'll be alright in a minute. There's the pre-tan.

Pre-tan? Yeah, just to give yourself a light coverage, a light smattering. There's the choice of bikini. Will you go high cut? Yeah, or a crocheted 1960s. Yeah, I agree with that. I quite like the coconut halves on strings.

I never see that anymore. They're never quite sure what to do with the bottom, are they? Terrible strap marks. Yeah, well, it's worth it, I think. I wouldn't dare risk one in Trenton Monkey Forest. They'd be torn to pieces. No, the burkini, it's worth it, I think. I wouldn't dare risk one in Trenton Monkey Forest. They'd be torn to pieces. No, the burkini, it reminded me very much of... I was in Eastbourne in 1974 and I saw a man lying on the beach,

fully stretched out as one would when sunbathing, in a flared three-piece pinstripe suit, a broad tie and a shirt shirt just lying there like that. And I thought, has this man fallen out of a disco-themed helicopter? It didn't make any sense. Like he was trying to get his suit tanned. Oh, suits on the beach. I don't like that at all.

I quite like it because I don't like getting undressed at the beach. I don't like shorts even. I don't like wearing undressed at the beach I don't like shorts even I don't like wearing shorts generally in the summer You haven't got a bad pair of pins have you? I don't think I've ever seen Garrett's legs and I'd quite like to keep it that way No yeah well I'm going to try I also think it's sort of an item of clothing

based purely on a pun Burkini yeah But I don't know if that's the official like mankini it's I like. But I don't know if that's the official. Like, Mankini was not as close to it. Oh, thanks. There was a man in a Mankini. You in a Mankini. You know, in the background,

they've started doing on Britain's Got Talent now, there's a lot more shots of people in the big waiting room for the auditions. And there was someone talking, I think, in the background, I think there was a man in a curly wig and a Mankini talking to a Michael Jackson looking like, it's like the waiting room for hell. What gets me, I don't want to be unkind,

but Nigella, I thought, had prided herself on being a bigger woman, a big, voluptuous woman. And I thought she was proud of that. So why is she covering up? She seems... So many, like Fern Britton was another example of a woman who places herself as the real woman who doesn't care about dieting and wants to be herself and be natural and represent what woman-ness is all about.

And then she has the gastric and Nigella's covering up now on the beach. It's like, you know, they'll talk the talk, but they won't waddle the waddle. No, I know. But Frank, you could argue that the burkini was for practical reasons as well. She's got lovely pale skin. She's certainly not going to get sunburned, is she? No. Also, there's a slight cross-cultural.

Does this mean it's all right for me to wear one of those white turbans with the jewel, like our man Flint wore? Maybe it was an interplumage. It's not just all right, it's mandatory now. Okay. Well, I look forward to that in the papers. Frank Skinner seen leaving Rainforest Cafe in curly-toe slippers. Frank, 131, maybe the man on the beach needed his suit washed

and was waiting for the tide. Thank you, Mark. I think we'll end on that. Oh, marvellous. Well, look, you can download Not The Weekend podcast from Wednesday onwards. That's a separate thing that we do, which has nothing to do with this show. It's available only online. And, well, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back next week with a brand new show. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.