The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Mr Pastry

Episode Date: July 30, 2011

Frank chats about his impromptu gig in exchange for a cheese and onion pie, Emily reveals the details of a silent battle on the tube and Steve has picnic pressure.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank... Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That's Money by The Drums. I love it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean, but I'm also, get this, with Steve Williams. Good morning. Hi, Steve. I don't know if you remember Steve. Steve's very much a friend of the show. A former host of the show I believe. One time former. In fact I hosted the show the same week you went on to win your Sony Awards. Is that right? That is true. That is true. I was in that seat Frank. The seat which currently has no armrest on it. Yeah did you feel that you were a little part of it when we got the Sony Award? Did you feel you'd taken some responsibility for that? There was a little bit of me felt, you know. What's it like when Graham Norton sat in for Jack Doherty two weeks on Channel 5 and then he got the Best Chat Show Award? Was that fair?

That's a very fair statement, mate. That's exactly how it felt. Yeah, thank God there's some justice in the world and that Jack Doherty went on to... Sorry, I had two pages stuck together. There's no justice in the world at all. If you want to text us about the whole Jack Doherty, Graham Norton... Debark.

Debark. You can text us at 81215. Maybe Jack Doherery will text us He's probably He'll be up now, won't he? Yeah, shift starts at 7 We laugh now, but it could be us Before we know where we are

How lovely for you all to tune in And listen to us on this fabulous Saturday morning The sun is breaking through the clouds Here in Golden Square And I feel happy. I feel happy. It's all right, isn't it? I'll tell you what I'm particularly happy about. Regular listeners to this show will know that in the background laughter, and there's been a few laughers here over the years, there used to be on a regular basis the beloved Daisy, who was our assistant producer. Yeah.

And Daisy hasn't been around for a few weeks, and regular listeners have been thinking, hey, what happened to that Daisy girl? Some sort of trouble backstage we don't know about? An incident, maybe? Yeah, well, there was an incident this week when Daisy gave birth to a baby boy, so we were all very excited about that. She knew about it in advance. Well, most pregnant women do.

No, you made it sound like it suddenly happened, like one of those ones where those girls think, I've got a tummy ache, and then they have a baby. Do you think she was just operating the lathe, and suddenly, what on, whoa! What's that, what on earth, it's moving! Yeah. Ezra, I love that name.

No, the baby's called... The name I got was Gandalf Clifford, was the names that they went for. Gandalf after the character in the children's novel, and Clifford after Max Clifford, the PR guru. Who's been a great help during the current hacking scandal. All sorts of advice and insight he's offered. No, they've gone for Ezra, which is the same as Gareth's child. No insight he's offered. No, they've gone for Airstream, which is the same as

Gareth's child. No, that's Ethan. Oh, yeah. Thanks. Sorry. I'll just do them alphabetically in my... Okay, anyway, so congratulations to Daisy and Germaine. Knight Abrahams is the surname.

That's a great name. I like the way Abrams... It's not Abrahams, it's Abrams. That's no H. They've taken the H out. Yeah, I've dispensed with it. In a way, they've taken the laughter out of it, the ha. I don't know if you remember, but Abraham in the Bible is Laugh-a-Mini. Oh, God, one gag after the other.

One of the few truly funny characters in the Old Testament, as far as one line is a concern there was the ones that did you know they had a general comedy ambiance noah yeah noah was you know he was funny but i don't like a yarn teller i like a one-liner type of comic and abraham bang bang bang he was he was right out there he started jewish comedy in many ways but i'm glad the way that the um i don't want to refer to them as working class in a derogatory way, but they're not posh. Daisy and Germaine. But I like the way

now your ordinary people in the street have taken on the hyphen, which used to belong only to the upper classes. The hyphenated surname. Yeah, Esri Knight Abrahams. Knight Abrahams, yeah, with a hyphen. I think it's a good thing. I wonder if there's a bit of a debate about whose name goes first.

Is there a tradition? Is it the female name first, the male name first, alphabetical order? You know, in Spain, you keep the mother's name. It goes after your last name. So whatever your mother's maiden name was, my name would be Steve Williams Roderick if I was in Spain. Oh, well, think yourself lucky then. Absolutely.

Because Roderick sounds like a description of you. He's a bit of a Roder do you know what i mean something that might have spun out of all those years of watching fools and horses i was a bit of a rodrick i'll tell you what if i keep touching my lower lip those of you watching on the old webcam leave that alone yeah i've got i've seen what am i doing with the spot at my age can Can I just say I'm jealous? It means your skin's lovely and youthful. Does it? I had a whole... I dream of spots.

I had four spots. One started on my right cheek, and one was on my right cheek, and then there was one just below it, one on the chin, and then one on the lower... It's like a Ryan's belt running across my... If I'd seen Professor Brian Cox at a party, I reckon he would have given me the glad eye. Do young people still give the glad eye?

Are you familiar with the glad eye, Steve? I've seen it in Second World War movies. Yeah, when you get that look, which means you and I could perhaps be a unit forever. We could promenade down the pier together. I'd like to see his glad eye. I bet it's a twinkly one. Because all things that twinkle

tend to draw in Professor Brian Cox. I don't know if you've ever noticed that. Is it... Is everything all right? I just felt there was activity. I had a bit of a... a bit of an incident this week.

Well, I've had a few incidents. I love it when you have an incident. This was, it was big time. It was showbiz themed. And it involved me. I'll just give you a teaser before we go into some music. It involved me doing an impromptu gig, right, stand-up gig, in front of 7,000 people,

for which I was paid with a cheese and onion pie. Well, that's the ingredients. Get into that later. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Enough bongo. Oh, dear. Why is it with Bono? He's always trying to say, oh, me, yes. Enough bongo. Oh, dear. Why is it with Bono? He's always trying to say, oh, me, I'm a man of the world. You know what I mean? I'm a citizen of the whole planet. Yeah, but you don't hear enough bongo play out

in music these days. Well, I'm sick of it. Reviving the art form. Anyway, that was you two with Mysterious Ways. Hmm. So, yeah, so I was at a it again it sounded like a really disapproving old man then you went hmm yeah well i don't say i was disapproving it didn't is the kind of thing should be prefixed by get your hair cut is that kind of what's your haircut i um so are you

familiar with the laughs in the park i don't mean in your private life, Steve. I mean, the gig. Yes, I am. It's a big festival, isn't it? Last weekend, wasn't it? They call it a festival. To me, I mean, I went down there. It's not really a festival. It's the same show three consecutive nights.

So you wouldn't go and camp there and watch it over and over. It's brilliant. But I felt I was slightly plain at Festival. You know, I drove down and I parked. I watched the show. I hung out. I drove home. It's not really Festival, is it? So you went down there for one day? Yeah, everyone goes for one day. It's the same show

over and over. Oh, right. Yeah, sorry. It's brilliant. Anyway, it's Eddie Izzard and Ross Noble. Hold on a minute. And Ross Noble. Friend of the show. Ross Noble. And Ross Noble. Friend of the show. Tommy T. And it's great.

Anyway, I was there, and Edizard was about to go on, and he said to me, what about you doing five minutes before I... And I said, I don't have any material. What are you talking about? And he said, no, come on, come and do... Come and do five. It was like a cat in a sort of a horse costume and i said i said you're right and he said sorry that happens to me now and again and and he said

come under five minutes and i said what and you know i haven't done any stand-up for two years frank did you do it a bit like when they say on the desert honor show can we do a singing number now and i pretend they haven't rehearsed. I couldn't possibly sing. I didn't. It would have been lovely if that had been a choice. Well, really, I should always have five minutes up my sleeve. We all should. Everyone should in life.

Oh, goodness, yes. Yeah. You know, what about if there was some sort of road accident and you had to calm people down? Oh, stand-up would be the way to do that. Yeah, I think so. I think not enough firemen use stand-up in emergency situations. No, it's pretty, because they've only got to go up a couple of rungs,

they've got to make shift stage. Nice. So I said, my way of getting out of it was to say, well, I was just going to get myself a pie, actually. So, you know, I'm starving, I couldn't possibly. And this man, Peter Bennett-Jones, who's just won a BAFTA for services to comedy, said, I'll get you a pie if you go into five minutes

in front of the 7,000 people that are standing out there with no material whatsoever. I said, oh, all right then. So on I went. Hang on, hang on. So one minute you add on, you're not doing it. Yes. This guy who's about to win a BAFTA says to you,

I'll get you a pie, and you're like, do you know what, I'll have a crack at it. Yeah, exactly. It was the pie. We've all done that, haven't we? The pie BAFTA says to you, I'll get you a pie, and you're like, do you know what, I'll have a crack at it. Yeah, exactly. It was the pie. We've all done that, haven't we? The pie's come out and you thought, well... I can't imagine that being an incentive for Frank. Yeah, apparently Neil Armstrong was in that lunar module

and he said, I'm going nowhere. And Boz Aldrin, just in that... ..of the door opening on the microwave, and he said, what about if I put in this baby? Day for two minutes, and then it's all yours. Neil was out there like a horse leaving a loud scenario. He was out there. Anyway, so I went on stage and did five minutes with no material, basically.

In fact... Frank, did your manager know about this? No. And what were his views on it? No. That you were being paid against us? No. He wanted 10%.

But just a little bit of a rundown here. Little material, but bags of nerve, the evening standard. Flashes of form, the independent. So, you know, it happened. Baked crust. But when I came off stage, I walked down the stairs at the end of form, the independent. So, you know, it happened. Baked crust. But when I came off stage, I walked down the stairs at the end of it, and there he stood, Peter, with the pie. And there was something very right about it.

Because, you know, you go and do a TV show or something, they say, oh, you're being paid blah, blah. You never see it. It goes into your bank account, whatever. It's no sense of earning. Are you advocating some kind of barter economy with baked goods? I want to go pre-industrial. I think we should be paying in food on a regular basis.

I just walked down stage and there was my pie. Five minutes material, my pie. There's something brilliant about it. I find something odd about it. You find it odd, do you? You're one of those people who find transvesticism odd, am I right? No. You're one of my favourite comedians

and you're acting like a pigeon. Pigeons eat pies. That was a sentence of two halves. Started so brilliantly and then it became pigeonist at the end. All up the side of that is...

I think it's the thin end of the wedge, this. I think what's going to happen is this is how you're going to be paid. This is your currency from now on. You'll be paid in food now. Well, I'd be happy for that, absolute. It's like, have you ever seen that Van Gogh's painting of the potato eaters? Oh, one of my favourites. It's like peasantry eating potatoes that Van Gogh's painting of the potato eaters? Oh, one of my favourites. And there's this peasantry eating potatoes that, you know, they've picked themselves.

They are eating the fruits of their labours. That was me with that part, my comedy part. It was, oh, man, I just, it felt so right. And I think it was Paul Simon who said, I can't get used to something so right. Wing, I think, was, They cut that bit in the end. But he was talking about the political views of Art Garfunkel. That's this morning's texting.

The political views of Art Garfunkel discuss, right on both sides of the paper. Have we had any texts at all yet on 8, 12, 15? Yeah, we've had someone texting in saying, what on earth are you talking about? So, we've had an up the baggies. We always get an up the baggies. Oh, yeah. Always get an up the baggies.

But we've had someone suggesting that Alan, I'm sorry to talk about Alan when you're here, Steve. I love Alan. He does the show. Because he's not here this week. He's away with his family. When you say Alan, do you mean... Yeah, the cockerel. Yeah, OK.

Someone's suggesting Alan is a look-alike for Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Well, what I really like is radio look-alikes of people who aren't even here. You asked if we'd had any text. That's what we found. Yeah, I didn't mean that one wedged in the bottom plank of the barrel that's it that's all you got what sort of text asking saying i can't see emily on the webcam and it's come from someone we've done it we've got a lot of those ones it's come from someone in poland yes ready yeah some kind of polish emily fang club a massive fan base in poland anyway i'm

doing that gig i'm thinking now i might i out, I should have done Show Me The Funny I could have been big on there You could have won it in pies Have you seen it? I haven't seen it, is it any good? Has that woman Kate Kopstick I've never seen her before I don't know if I'm really familiar with her, she's very nasty

She's the one with the glasses Glasses and a white streak in the hair Quite 80s looking She looks like well let's put it this way she's nastier to those comics than she was to those Dalmatians you can text us

on 81215 we've actually had a text Frank I love this we've actually had a text yeah let us all gather around it we've had a text and Frank. I love this. We've actually had a text. Yeah. Let us all gather around it. We've had a text, and it's brilliant. It's from a last three digits, 387.

I don't know, perhaps the name would be nice, but they've texted in, what pie was it? Ah. Isn't that brilliant? It was, I thought I said this, it was cheese and onion pie. No, you didn't. Not my favourite. I mean, you know, I like something meat-based.

An experienced pie palette, that is not my favourite either, Frank. There's something meat-based. Even with my inexperienced pie palate, that is not my favourite either, Frank. There's got to be a chicken or steak in there. Yeah, sure, if you're going on stage, it would be for meat, right? Do you think? Is that it? Don't ask me.

There's more protein in there. You have a visceral approach to stand-up comedy. Do you have a set thing that you would wear on stage? A pie. You'd actually wear a pie? That'd be great. Now, do you have, what is your set? Are you a man who puts a suit on, Steve? You're not, are you? No, no, I tend to wear just jeans and a t-shirt. It's whatever you're wearing, you don't have any set

stage costume. Do you? It's just that when I went on at this festival in Promptu, I was wearing a green cagoule zipped up to the chin. Which I didn't really realise until ross noble pointed it out with some with some uh people at the back is that frank skinner or some day tripper i know it did it did look it looked like someone from time team was making an announcement so yeah i've never performed in a cagoule i normally likes a suit well i'm not...

You know, I do and I don't. I'm getting a bit fed up with these comedians in suits. I've worked my whole life writing jokes so I could get a job when I didn't have to wear a suit. You know what I mean? It's all right, darling. You've got enough hoodies. Exactly.

That's what I'm going... I'm going... I'm going hoodie. Waterproof hoodie. You had a bit of an unpleasant run-in, I think, this week, didn't you? Oh, God, I think it's time about my marriage. Why have you brought that on? Yeah, I'll tell you what, I was violated on the streets of London.

I was... This is an headline which is not going to deliver anything. I find that when I'm crossing on a pelican crossing, is that what I i do whether i'm going to go left or right when i get on that pavement i go straight ahead when i get to the pavement i make my decision to go left or right but some people they try to make ground on the actual crossing of the road and they'll they'll they'll do a diagonal right across you do you know what i mean so if they're going to go right you mean they go right so this woman she started she went into me shoulders wise i was it was like i imagine a sheep must feel when

being separated by a sheep dog from the i was i was pushed to one side uh by her i ended up going with her the way i didn't want to go and she she was like, really? She didn't say a word. But she was aggressive. So you didn't cross the road? Well, I got across the road, but I was planning to go left. I'd been forced right. She'd shown me the outside, as they used to say at Arsenal training sessions. That's what she did. She showed me the outside. You see, there is a lack of boundaries with the pelican that you don't get with a green man. Everyone knows where they stand with a green man. But a green man is on a pelican crossing, isn't it? No, that's a different

kind of crossing. Oh, well, I used to know all the crossings off my heart. No, I did. I was very good on it. It was my specialist subject. Because there's a scramble now at Oxford Circus. We won't go into that. But, yeah, there's that one of those I'm sure that's a pelican with the green man no that's not frank pelican yeah just so everyone's aware i know a lot about this

it's just the flashing orange light that's a pelican what's a zebra then zebra is different that means the traffic stop everyone knows where they stand don't switch off yet someone reached them for the diet to stop them to stop them at the last minute. Essentially, there are traffic lights. I would say that there is a green man on a pelican crossing. No, you're absolutely wrong. Please text in 8-12-15. I'm right, there's a difference. Well, who's going to text in the Ministry of Transport?

They don't work on Saturdays. The difference is traffic lights on green man, not on pelican. But what's a toucan crossing? Can you tell me that? Can you tell me what a toucan crossing is? No, exactly. A toucan crossing. There's no such thing. What?

A Toucan crossing is one when people on bikes have a little bit so they can wheel their bike across at the same time as pedestrians. And it's not Toucan. It's not like Pelican is something like pedestrian lit crossing, blah, blah, blah. It's an acronym. But Toucan is because two can cross at the same time oh ok you see it's a pond

I just like that this is one of the worst rows I've ever had with you and it's about pelican crossing ok but I'm pretty confident I think we should put money in it now are they licensed for gambling at Absolute Radio let's hope so might get a new copy. I had...

Sorry. No, no, it's all right. I've come to put complete faith now in the green man. I used to be one of those smart alecks. You know those smart alecks when you're waiting for the green man and they think, oh, no, one can get across here before the green man. I'm over. And they go quick and they sort of look back as if

as if to say look at you lot just following the herd but i'm a maverick character i'll cross when i when i see that gap i don't need no green man to tell me i don't want to be that person or restored your faith in the green man it's not so much faith i think it's there must have been a moment in soviet russia where people thought let's fighting the system. Let's just do what we're told. Right? And that's how I am with the green man. I just stand there. Honestly, it could be three o'clock in the morning and there might not be a car in the city.

I ain't going until the green man says so. I've released myself from any decision-making responsibility. No. Yeah. You have to walk on red when there responsibility no yeah you have you have to walk on red when there's when there's no cars around you have to go across no i pride myself waiting for the green man because people who go they think they want to say you know well i can judge it myself what i'm saying is i'm too busy with my other thoughts to be looking at traffic

the green man what do you think i'm paying for? Can I just say, Frank, never mind that. Something very bad has happened. Oh, God, what? 570, Frank's right. I knew I was right. 805, Emily is wrong. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm liking both of those.

Do you think we could get those embroidered and framed? Like with the prisoner album sleeves that are on the walls of Absolute. A pelican has a green man. The flashing orange light is a Belisha. Smart Alex in Croydon. Well, a Belisha. A Belisha, I believe, was... I believe he was Minister of Transport during the Second World War,

which is why his name would have stuck in Emily's memory. Frank on Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hey Frank, we've had a text here. Frank, you are the crossing king! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Loving it.

Yes, we've had quite a few texts. Can I say my favourite is from 715. Sadly, lovely Emily is wrong. You see, that's a nice way of putting it. Yes. I was very adamant about it, which is not so embarrassing. You were very adamant. That's the trouble.

If you'd had a bit of vagueness to you, people would have been more forgiving. But oh no, you knew best. I tried to stop you from making a complete fool of yourself. So many times you have, and it never worked. Richie 515, what is a puffin crossing? I believe a puffin is the one... I can't remember. It's an acronym. It's an acronym.

It's an acronym, I think. I think it's the one when the green man is on the near side. It's on your side of the road. So you actually look at the thing right at the side of you. What? If that, there was one, I think it's the Poffin, that when it first came out, it used to say, you know the ones in America where it says cross and don't cross?

Yes. It used to have that, I think, instead of the green man. Oh. But it could only say cross, and I love this, it couldn't say don't cross because it violated the rights of way. Really? Because it was telling you that you couldn't go across a piece of public land. We can talk about crossing until the cows come home.

I love the way that the fire in your eyes about crossings at the moment. It's incredible. There's one outside Buckingham Palace, which is one of those for horses to cross. Oh, a horse. I love a horse crossing. Instead of a green man man you get a green horse that's not true that is true i'm not going to go down the that's not true road that's got me in all sorts of hot water this morning in case it's confusing and and you know princess anne for example says um looks like you're gonna have to stay here this is just this is my one that's not

you where's the high hair and the sex in and the City premiere. It was really useful. Frank, I had a commuter-based incident myself this week, actually. OK. I came a bit of a Roy Cropper. Oh, no. On public transport. I was on the tube. Don't judge me.

I'm just enjoying you coming a bit of a rye cropper. What, no lips at all? No. OK. And the hair. There was no body in it. It's totally flat. And of course, as they say in Ethiopia, hail is a lassie.

There you go. So this is to do with armrest conflict, I call it. OK. And that's when you get on the tube. Frank, you keep it real, and I like that about you. You do get public transport, don't you, sometimes? Oh, where am I going to pick up my illnesses otherwise? Steve, do you get the tube?

Oh, yes. I'm a man of the people. Yeah, you are, actually. I like that about you. Respect. So I get on the tube. Now, the armrests, they're in quite scarce supply on the tube. Some tube cars, they don't have them at all. Oh, dear. Yeah, but sometimes, you know, they're back on the tube. Now, the armrests are in quite scarce supply on the tube. Some tube covers, they don't have them at all.

Oh, dear. Yeah, but sometimes, you know, they're back in the seat, you have to pull them down. I've seen people sitting there, obviously, hankering for an armrest, and I'm thinking, just there it is, look, because you can't speak to people on the tube or they think you're a mad axe man, so you have to just leave them to sit there.

Yeah, especially if you start shouting, it's behind you. Exactly. It's behind you. Exactly. But Frank, when you're sitting, when you found your seat, which let's face it is the feeling of elation when you get that seat, there's nothing like it. Then I got my seat to my horror. I would say sort of almost Rick Waller levels we're talking on my left. Oh.

Yeah. So he's sort of, the arm is just all over my armrest. Well, you don't sit next to a man like that. You sit amongst him. Yeah. So he's sort of, the arm is just all over my armrest. Well, you don't sit next to a man like that. You sit amongst him. Yeah. I was a motif on his jacket. Oh, no. On my left.

Like a cat on a waterbed. Very much so. They have to be tentative, don't they? With the claws? They wouldn't be able to allow themselves any purchase at all. The man next to me, not quite Rick Waller, more sort of Eamon Holmes. OK. Plump pinstripe.

He and I entered into the worst elbow battle for the armrest I've ever had in my life. We were actually, I could feel the joints of the man. More like arm wrestling. Yes, it was. I won in the end. Did you? It got really unpleasant, though. How did you win?

He got off. And as he got off... Oh, that's not really... That's not you. Is that victory? What a victory. It was a pyrrhic victory. That's not victory. That's geography.

As he got off, do you know how I know I won? He went... He sighed. Yeah, but I think a man that size just getting up will always lead to an expulsion of air from somewhere. It was a silent battle, Frank, though, and that's what I loved about it. Well, this woman on the crossing, nothing was said.

She'd made up her mind she was going to veer to the right, and if I was in her way, God help me. Yeah. That's the way people are. I had one on a plane where I'd put my hand on the armrest, and the guy next to me, who went through turbulence, he put his hand on top of my hand because he was like you rick waller man and he was like really sort of afraid of the

turbulence he put his hand on my hand for comfort because we're going through the train the plane dropped out deliberately and the worst thing was when it sort of went to the bottom of the turbulence he put his fingers in between my fingers oh my goodness that's hand rape that's yeah but because he was so big i didn't say anything no you were right not to say and what's the part of you thinking well we might crash let's see what it's like oh well i mean but that's different that's fear i mean i i thought something sweet about that he was looking for comfort yeah oh it was i don't mean the fabric condition, if that's what you're thinking. No, what I do when I've been in cinemas,

I just, I don't wrestle with them. I wait for my moment. Eventually, they'll sort of reach for a popcorn or something. As soon as they vacate it, I'm in. And they come back. It's like a cuckoo in the nest. They come back, there's my elbow. That's what it's about. It's not about brute force. It's about a cuckoo in the nest. They come back, there's my elbow. That's what it's about.

It's not about brute force. It's about guile. That's what I'd recommend. If you've been involved in any silent battles, I think that's what we'll call them, shall we? Yeah, I like that. You know, when you're trying to get your own way but no one's mentioning it,

then give us a text at like 12.15. Why not? Don't know why I made the big thing out of that. It's just, you know, it's a normal texting thing we do every week, but I made it into some sort of, like, you know... Build attention. Like I had to persuade people. I've got hundreds.

Don't do it, that's my attitude. You've got hundreds. Yeah, my whole life is one long, silent battle. And mine. With mortality, mine. But it's very hard to describe it in the form of a text. I always find. I'll tell you what I do.

I hate that thing when you think, when you get across the road, you see the traffic come, you think, I'm over, I'm over, and you go quick, and you're across, and you look round, the person you were with hasn't come with you. You have to hang around waiting for them so your entire advantage has been lost. Why don't people just, you know...

We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Dustin America. That's America by Razorlight. I wouldn't mind the Razorlight. I like the idea

of having one of those cut-throat razors with a small headlight on it and actually shaving in the dark with very, very close detail from the bright little headlight. Or it could be razor-like. They all look like Ray Romano. Razor-like, like a look-alike business. Come on, Frank. Let's talk about pies. That'll get you fired up. Have you got a pencil and paper? Yes, we were talking about silent battles,

which one experiences in everyday life. I've had a great text in here, Frank. I was the victim of a silent armrest battle in the cinema at Leicester Square. Neither myself or the man next to me were gaining much ground, but we were both thwarted when there was a brief nanosecond where the armrest was free and a Chinese chap behind us put his feet on it. Oh, we laughed. That can't be right, can it?

How would you get your feet on an armrest in front of, in the row in front? They're not the tallest. I think you'll agree. Maybe you had a prosthetic leg and took it off and put it on there. Well, that'd be worth doing. One sat in front of Paul McCartney and his wife at a premiere. I don't think we've got time for this story. Mike!

Yeah, um... Yes, I like the old armrest battle thing. I tend to give in nowadays. Do you? Yeah. I think it's a good thing. You're saying I don't want to be part of it?

No, I'm very, very much part of it. Do you know what I like? Rather than silent battles, I like silent victories. Like if I have an argument with my wife, and I know she likes lemonade, I'll just go into the kitchen. I won't win the argument, but I'll tighten the top on the lemonade

and shake it so she can never open it again. Silent victory. You can say silent victory, I say psychotic. That's horrible, isn't it? It starts like that. Soon it'll be rat poison in that lemonade. I'm a bit scared, isn't it?

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's a bit scary, isn't it? It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Williams is kindly sitting in for the cockerel today. He was away at the Cambridge Folk Festival. In reasons for not doing the show, that comes pretty low down the league table to me. Sorry, I have to do the Cambridge Folk. He's not performing.

He's just walking about. He's just in a tent. Yeah. Making dreamcatchers. Yeah, I bet he is. We had a text from Frank, which I quite like, because it's about competitive partners, and it says, Frank, my girlfriend puts the knives

in the wooden knife block sharp edge down. I take them out and put them in sharp edge up to keep them sharp. This has been going on for five years. We never mention it. Eventually, I will be victorious. So if you think I sound psychopathic... That's a good silent battle.

I like that. I like that it's never been mentioned. Between a married couple. How many things are left unsaid between a married couple? I've often thought that. I won't go any further into that anecdote. Go on. 754, standing at an ATM.

There are two ATMs, both are busy, so you stand in the middle as a one-person funnel queue. Yes. Do you know that, the funnel queue? Somebody else comes and ignores your funneling and stands beside you. They choose. Yes. Yeah.

Competitive queuing. I don't know. It happens in urinals, I have to say. I don't want to drag the tone down, but it does happen in urinals. I always think in urinals, I always tell by body language, I can always tell who's going to finish first. So I don't funnel cue. I latch myself on to the next finisher.

I can see. I can see. Just the shoulders have relaxed. You know, you think they're almost empty. I'm ready to go straight in. Me and Steve went to the toilet the same time today, and Emily was quite uh distressed she didn't realize there was two cubicles behind that door just looked a bit weird and steve

had a rucksack on his back well it was like school again we're going to play crossfires that was the weirdest thing ever there were two cubicles but frank still latched himself onto my back that was the weirdest bit about that yeah but i like that it's had a sort of a anyway now frank yes um imagine my excitement and delight this week to read that ed milliband has had a bit of surgery oh yes but not not well imagine my disappointment yes to discover it was actually to correct sleep sleep apnea i think it's called isn't it snoring posh word for snoring yes really sleep apnea yeah yeah think it's called, isn't it? Snoring. Posh word for snoring. Yes. Really. Sleep apnea, yeah. Yeah. Was it, though?

Was it to correct that? Or was it to correct that? Actually, the British people, it's to correct that. It's that nose thing, isn't it? Do you think that's why you had it? Definitely. Because it is impossible to become Prime Minister if you've got a bit of a weird voice. People don't like it. It makes them uneasy and they don't trust you. That's why Pasquale will never be Prime Minister if you've got a bit of a weird voice. People don't like it. It makes them uneasy

and they don't trust you. That's why Pasquale will never be Prime Minister. That's my prediction now and you can quote me on that. But I'll say to you, Winston Churchill, allegedly one of the greatest Britons ever, he had a funny voice. He always sounded like he was chewing about 15 wet

marbles when he was talking. Yeah, but the thing is then, I don't think they were... They didn't have to be so media-friendly in those days. You know, if you'd got... There was no spin or PR element then. If you were part of the Lord Blenheim's family or whatever he was, then I think you were in. But now people have to be pleasant to the ear.

They would have had... Churchill would have been on the Atkins now. That's what they do now. Yeah, he would, yeah. Whereas Ed Miliband, there's so many things. His mouth, I'm not happy with his mouth. Just looking at him. But he looks like both Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street, doesn't he?

He's got that... In a blender. I think that he's got the kind of mouth that you know he's going to get that white stuff in the corners i understand oh i know that white stuff yeah when he does a long speech apparently when they when they cut to someone in the audience he's actually being flossed they don't floss his teeth they floss his lips because i sort of think he had you know sometimes when it gets very bad with those people i've seen it with the school teacher as well. They actually, the white leaves the corners, gets

brave and goes centre stage. And you get a sort of a, it's like pulling apart a pizza. You get a string in the middle, the actual middle of the lip, you get a string as if it's trying to stop the mouth from opening too far. I saw him do a speech once and during the interval two people came out with wire cutters.

It had strengthened to that extent. But he might well be a very bright and interesting man, but with that voice, he cannot be Prime Minister. They picked the wrong brother, I'm sorry. It's happened to me many a time. It happens. They do something to his septum, don't they?

Again, it's happened to me many a time. Yeah, that's what I know. Thank God for Daniela Westbrook. Without her traumas, I wouldn't know what a septum was. See, from every cloud, there comes the silver lining. Well, it is deviated septum, socialites and boxers generally. Deviated septum? Deviated septum, yeah.

Sounds like a light rock group. It just gets worn down it's interesting I discovered that did you know that the nostrils have got different names as well is that right your nostrils

or everyone's nostrils mine are called Steve and Elwood the thing him and Kath have let's not get into it no does that if you look at someone's face on their left nostril

is called the orgam then you've got the septum in the middle and then the octum on the right. Is that right? Because it's like August, September, October. That's how it... October? Well, October, yeah. Sorry, I've got something wrong with my... He's got white bits in the corner of his mouth.

Yeah. Yeah, so that's how they name them. Oh, I love that fact. That's a fascinating fact. But why? Why have different names? They're just nostrils. Left one, right one, isn't it? So when you go through your nose and throat, the doctor can write on report, you know, blockage in the organ.

And everybody knows where. Because left and right gets a bit complicated. Is it his left? Is it my left? What about ears? Ears have different names. I don't do ears. But yeah, that's apparently...

I made that up. Oh, did you? I really believed that fact. I think we are too much the slaves of fact on this programme. And sometimes lies are more interesting. You must have noticed that. Oh, dear. Oh, no, I've texted loads of people.

Have you? With that fact just to show off. There's only one thing. We need something now to clear our palate, I think, from that deceit. Yeah. It's going to have to be the four. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we silent battles 273.

My missus puts the toilet roll so the edge comes off against the wall. I turn it away every time I see it. Ten years no mention. Joe Sutton. Can I say that I do exactly, we have exactly the same thing. Really? Who would ever think that a toilet roll should turn towards the wall? Who would ever think that?

You think it should come off the wall, right? Yeah, the bit that's the curtain, the curtain of it should be on the outside. Oh outside oh no i have it the other way you have it down the wall does kathy do it the other way yeah she does it must be a male female thing yes i i like it hidden i like so essentially it's the it's coming downwards against the wall so you like descending sheet as backdrop i like it have you ever seen a waterfall? What does a waterfall do? It cascades outward. Outward is what it does. An epaulette. The fringe of an epaulette. It cascades

outward. An overbite. It cascades outward. You don't want it going towards the wall. No, Kath and I are right. We've also had one in from 131. Frank, I was offered surgery raising my septum. I said, sign us up.

Oh, you rascal. I was in there as well for a big surgery story. Turned out to be he pulled the septum mat from under me. I'll tell you what he could do. We're talking about Ed Miliband's kind of bonged-up voice. You know the thing that footballers do? They put a big blob of Vic. Oh, yeah.

Or Vicks, I think they call it. You know, Vic's vapour rub. They put a blob of that on the centre of the shirt and the vapour's constantly rising, keeps their breathing good. He could do that. He could have, like, a tie on his tie and a big blob. See, it's interesting. We always called that stuff Vic in my house.

Rub some Vic on your chest. But apparently it's Vicks. I've always said Vicks. Yeah, see, we always singularised it. How strange. I knew two Vicks, so it was both of theirs. Do you know what their slogan is? I'd love to know if you know it.

This is their modern day slogan it's take some weight off your head is that a good slogan oh i thought that was my hairpiece slogan it's weird it made me think of janine from east england who used to have an incredibly moon-shaped the most moon-shaped face on on television and now it's kind of i suppose she's slim so much even her head has got a little bit thinner than it used to be and it's as if her moon is slightly waned she's become a sort of uh she could she if she if things got out of control on her eating front, she could have the appearance of a crescent. Just like an arched, thin, bony side face Janine could end up with, which would fit in, I think, with her villainous persona on the program.

So, Steve, are you going on your picnic then? Yeah, well, listen... Oh, yeah, the picnic! I've been in a big sort of... I've been invited to a picnic at Hatfield Forest tomorrow. Oh, not in Wales, then? No. Do you live in Wales, then? I do stuff outside Wales, Frank.

No, I know that. Well, here you are. I live in London. I live in London. Oh, OK. Congratulations. Thank you very much. I've gone up in the world So I'm going to... Congratulations. Thank you very much. I've gone up in the world. I'm going to Hatfield Forest tomorrow, which is at the end of runway one of Snow Steadier. Room 101?

The end of... It's in room... It should be in room 101. Frank only speaks in TV shows. Yeah, exactly. Oh, okay. So I'm going there. It's a picnic.

And people have been... It's sort of slightly middle class, which is not my kind of thing. Oh, lovely. Yeah, I knew you there, it's a picnic, and people have been, it's sort of slightly middle class, which is not my kind of thing. Oh, lovely. Yeah, I knew you'd like it. Well, a working class picnic tends to be homelessness. So, okay. Well, it sounds lovely. I love a picnic. I haven't been on a picnic for ages. Well, this is, you would, Frank, but then people have said we've got to make different stuff.

I've been asked to make dessert, which I'm, you know, I'm not up for it because in this modern world we've become too competitive with food. It's like, you give food, it's like, this is what I am. It's like when people stay at my house, my wife starts buying croissants and pain au chocolat. We never eat that stuff normally, just so guests think they're waking up in La Rochelle. Yeah. It's, I don't know, I'm not up for it. La Rochelle suit it's it's i don't know i'm not up for it la rochelle suit more like it yeah well well so you're making some food yeah what what do i do frank do i buy stuff and bash

it up so it looks like uh but then i just feel if i did that i'd look like an alcoholic who's out in it or do i do i make stuff or do you have um have they given you a list of what you're doing? Dessert. Oh, you're doing dessert? Yeah. Well, that's easy, isn't it? Is it? Well, what are you going to go for? I think it's the easiest of the courses. Oh, no, be careful. You don't want to be dishing out blamages on that tartan rug. There you go.

Oh, I'm thinking gingham. Oh, fine. For a picnic, you want a gingham tablecloth on the floor, don't you? Bad news, it's tartan. Is it tartan? It's tartan. OK. So what are you thinking at the moment?

I was thinking of putting two trifles together in a Tupperware box so it looks like it's been smashed a bit around in the car. But the trifle makers are clever because the bowls they always make in the supermarket are triangular. They go downwards and inwards. They gather at the bottom. So you can never put two together. Don't go trifle, but Laurel and Hardy sketch love.

No, I wouldn't. That was a classic. Make some... Actually, you could take a leaf out of my Aunty Doreen's book and go Smart is in Custard. Perhaps. Perhaps the easiest of the desserts that one could argue. Smart is in Custard, I'm serious.

I'm up for that. It's the clown style. Because it's a bit of a middle-class, sophisticated dinner, if it's a late night meal, candlelight, you could go for minstrels. But what I like about Smarties is as they move across, this is absolutely true, those of you who've had Smarties and custard will know, as they move through the custard, just by this general stirring, some of them will skim across the uh

the actual skin of it oh but they leave us the lovely colorful um smears i know lovely and smears in the same sentence you don't often hear but stick with me lovely yeah so if you can't afford uh fireworks it's a fabulous substitute this This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You see, I find if there's no room on the armrests, I'll often put an elbow in each breast pocket. Just to relax. Can't do that this week.

I've got a neck shoulder, I'm calling it. Started neck shoulder. It's going right down the arm now. I feel it in the hand. What's happened, Frank? What happened is I picked up an injury in, it's not a dynamic fashion. I was rolling over in bed. Oh, rolling in the deep. And, yeah, as I rolled, I felt it go.

I rolled quite, it was a violent roll. More violent than I normally roll over. Well, where was Cass collateral damage in this? More violent than I normally roll over. Well, where was Kath's collateral damage in this? You know, she sleeps as far away from me as one can sleep from someone in the same bed. If it wasn't for that piping around the edge of the mattress, she'd be on the floor.

She's basically in the guttering of the mattress, as I used to call it in my drinking days. Anyway, I turned and, you know, often when you you're turning your sleep and it's a whole mystery to me they're turning in the sleep i mean i always slightly wake up and then roll over and go back to sleep do you know that feeling yes is that the only rolling we do or do we roll actually in our sleep well i don't know because i I roll an extraordinary amount. Do you? Oh, an ex-boyfriend, he used to call me the tumble dryer. Do you? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not leaving it there. Is the door always open? How many times would you say you rolled in a night? Oh, I mean, over 20. What? I think women do roll a lot. Like my missus, she rolls a lot.

Oh, my missus. It's like the lightly lads in here. She rolls more than you, you think? Oh, yeah. She like cogs up all the duvet. It all like coils around her. Yeah, but you've probably got on a rotisserie, you weirdo. She coils up the duvet.

It's all wrapped around her. She's like in a little like pupa. And the bit that's hanging down, is it hanging down at the front of her, or is it hanging down against the mattress? Female stuff. Yeah, well, that was a toilet roll conversation we had a little earlier. Well, I... Now, this particular...

I was aware of... What I did is I woke up and I thought, I'm going over. But my head sort of led it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like my head rolled over and then... And I went quite staccato. It was, it was, there was a hint, a hint of robotics. So I kind of, I did the jerking. Oh, I felt the pain.

Oh, fine. Because I used to, when I roll when I'm, this is, this is something I've never told any other member of the human race. any other member of the human race but when i'm in bed and i'm awake and i roll over i often um imagine i fantasize that i'm receiving a through ball in a big football match and i sort of take it on the turn in order you know you know if you're being man to man mark the turn can be everything as we're getting past the defender and i'll do a bit of uh i'll do a bit of... Oh, that's a fantastic turn. I did a bit of commentary in my head. So I'll receive the imaginary ball and then lead with the hip.

And I'm round and I'm past him in bed. So what was the extent of the injuries then? Your shoulder, your neck? Yeah, I mean, it properly... It hurts. And I'm on the eyebrow... Really? I'm on that. Yeah And I'm on the ibuprofen. Is it ibuprofen? Really?

I'm on that. Yeah, I'm on that. Do you see? Oh, I'll get you something stronger, darling. Thanks. What will that be? So you can get a stronger ibuprofen. If I was a ventriloquist, I'd be off work this week.

Let's put it that way. Because the right arm is... Surely ventriloquists could go left-handed. Why do we have to roll over at all, though? Well, you've got to move in your sleep. You can't just stay still, can you? Why not? What is it, eight hours? Why not? Oh, that's a

long time to about moving. I'm a little ball of energy. I need to be moving around. I imagine that if I'm lying for like two or three hours, all my organs have all settled at the bottom of me. Do you know what I'm a little ball of energy. I need to be moving around. I imagine that if I'm lying for like two or three hours, all my organs have all settled at the bottom of me. Do you know what I mean? Next to the mattress. You know the way muesli...

That is disgusting. When you buy muesli in the packet, you think, you have to shake it up because it's settled. I think my innards settle in the night. Cutting at each other. So I have to keep turning them to get them back into position. at night. So I have to keep turning to get them back into position.

If you can imagine a sort of a major organs and intestine egg timer. That's what I'm like. But by the time all my organs have gone to the bottom I have to turn round again. I'm like a very old fashioned

chess clock. In that respect. What about if Ed Miliband claimed to be mute and did all his speeches in and saying he could be a very successful politician? Yes, because then he'd get the sympathy vote. Well, as long as nobody heard that, it'd be all right. Sorry, that was you get the sympathy vote. Semaphore. Well, nobody, as long as nobody heard that, it'd be all right.

Sorry, that was a bit like a goose. Frank, I've got a bit of a Mayor Culper moment here. I've done, I did a bad thing this week. Oh, yeah? Very quickly, I saw a woman, hadn't seen for ages, lovely woman, walking towards, she was getting into a lift and I was coming out. Okay.

Didn't have time for a long chat. She just said, I said, how are you? said fine i said oh great did that girl you think ah screaming when you see each other then she said yeah i've got number two on the way and i went oh no and i think i meant to say oh wow or oh no way but then the lift doors closed and she just looked horrified i went went, oh, no. Oh, dear. I mean, if somebody said to me, I've got number two on the way, I wouldn't think that.

I have to say, but then again, I wouldn't say, oh, no. It would be estranged. Oh, no. That was awful. Oh, dear. I think I meant to say, oh, no way, or oh, wow. It just all went wrong. But it was a terrible social plangor. I like it now.

I'm pregnant. Oh, no. Are you? Why? Of course, that did reveal my true wrong, but it was a terrible social plan. I like it, though. I'm pregnant. Oh, no! Are you? Why? Of course, that did reveal my true feelings, but that's another story. I think when a woman's pregnant and tells you that, you have to respond like when you go and see a comedian after a go. You can only say absolutely brilliant.

Anything else you say is going to be in trouble. You can't say, oh, it's funny you should mention that. I read this thing in The Lancet. They don't want to hear it. All they want is a celebration. If you've dropped any terrible social faux pas this week, like being negative about someone's pregnancy, give us a text.

We only have this text service. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You see, that was Coldplay with every teardrop. It's a waterfall Coldplay. We've gone up in my estimation this week because our colleague Ben Jones left, of course, this week, who I normally hand over to at the end of the show,

and he was sent by Chris Martin, he was sent a signed guitar. That's amazing. How lovely. That is amazing. How lovely. That is nice. If you're interested in that, I think it's 11 days, 9 hours, 23 minutes still to go on that one. I don't know what it's at at the moment, but have a look.

Thanks. Have a look. Did you see that Jordan is... Well, two Jordan stories struck me this week. One is that she had attempted the biggest ever book signing. Yes. Ever, ever, ever. I mean, people turning up, I presume she means.

Which is a great idea, isn't it? Jordan book signing. Because then at least you know she wrote part of it. Are you suggesting... Frank, she says it herself. Does she? She's a ghost authoress. She doesn't write any of her books.

Is she upfront about that? She's famous for saying, I choose the cover, I choose the title, and then I pick a dress to match. That's what she's famous for saying for the book launch. To the tune of, I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Well, I'm at the same publisher as Jordan. There's a brag for you, isn't there? That's like saying, I go to the same hairdressers as the top gear boys with photos of you around the corner of the mirror yeah no but when i get there to

when i was in the publishers this week actually and um i have to say that jordan gets a lot more space there than i do because she's a bit she's a proper big oh. Oh, she sells well. She is. But do the people who buy Jordan's novels, we're talking the novels there. You say people. Yeah. No, but do they think that Jordan has written that novel? Do they believe that? I think they're just buying the brand.

I think they're buying the book in the way that they'd buy a perfume or something. It's just because they're buying it. A fragrance? Yeah. No, but they want to buy into the lifestyle they throw it up in the air and walk through it i suspect so i love it when women do that with perfume you know that they used to do it on the wrist in my in my mom's day but no it's into the air and walk through it yeah oh i love that well i it's interesting because i see her

as a sort of dick francis figure jordan she's got that combination of equestrianism and literature. I can't think of anyone else who's really carried that off. Now you're telling me she doesn't even do it. Can I say, incidentally, speaking of my publishers, I recorded the audio book of my new book this week. I don't know about the new book. You won't want to talk about it on air. I don't plug product on this show. This show is sacred to me.

But yeah, I had to record the audiobook. And I looked up on eBay audiobooks just to see what was around. And this one, the advert for the audiobook section, it said, audiobooks, the perfect way to enjoy literature without reading. And reading is annoying, isn't it? Doesn't it get on your nerves, reading? I love audiobooks. Audiobooks are brilliant. Because if you went, like when you read, like,

Frank Skinner was in his driveway, it was a cold November night. If you answer in all the gaps, it feels like you're mates. You just say, really, Frank, what happened then? I looked around, a bin had been knocked over by a cat. A cat, you say? Yes, a ginger tabby. And it feels like your mates for Frank's dinner. Well, that's a kind of a red button audio book you've got there.

I didn't plan an interactive. What's this need for noise all the time? Just read the book. Talking the gaps. See, if you listen to a whole book on an audio book and someone says, oh, have you read that book, blah, blah, blah, is it all right to say yes? No. Or do you have to say, well says, have you read that book? Blah, blah, blah. Is it alright to say yes? No. Or do you have to say,

well, I've listened to that book. No, you haven't read it. Reading's a very different experience to someone telling you about it. When someone says, have you read that book, they're not asking you about the actual mechanics of reading it, are they? No, yes, because that's different to do you know the story.

That's like watching the film and saying you've heard the book. No, but there's a difference between Coles Notes. I mean, hearing the whole story. We've gone very Radio 4 and I quite like you. At least we haven't gone 5 Live.

The station I hate most in all the world. Oh, very. The poor man's radio. The sportsman's Radio 4. 5 Live. But if they paid you in pies, you'd go on there. I wouldn't go. But if they paid you in pies, you'd go on there.

I wouldn't go on there if they paid me in... I can't believe you said that. In black diamond facials, which I'm about to have now. You're going to have a black diamond facial? Yeah, I'll report back next week. Oh, God, you'll stink of lager afterwards. Yeah, well, I don't know what a black diamond facial is, but we'll leave it.

I once offered... Have I got time to say this? No, I haven't got time to say it. Vicky Blight's banging on the door. Let her out, will you? Vicky Blight is next, because Ben Jones isn't. Ben Jones is sitting watching eBay like a hawk. Seeing how it's going.

You can download the Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday. And please do, because our figures are going through the ceiling loving it and vicky blight is next and we love vicky i'm tempted to sing take me back to dear oh end of line This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.