The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Neighbours, Couples & Names

Episode Date: May 7, 2011

Steve Williams sits in for Frank Skinner and chats to Emily and Gareth about Osama Bin Laden's neighbours, coupley couples and Mariah Carey's baby names.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Frank. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The life of Riley from the Lightning Seeds.

Their excellent start to the show. It's the Frank Skinner Show. Now, obviously, I'm not Frank. I'm Steve Williams, standing in for Frank. But we've got here, as ever, we've got lovely Emily. Oh, I like being lovely. Frank never calls me lovely. Well, we'll put a stop to that then.

Never happened. And a fantastic Mr. Gareth as well is with us as well. Morning, I like being lovely. Frank never calls me lovely. Well, we'll put a stop to that then. Never happened. And a fantastic Mr. Gareth as well is with us as well. Morning, Gareth. I've certainly never been called fantastic. Oh, dear. Or Mr. Gareth, but I quite enjoy it. I feel like I'm walking in some mini abuse shelter. Yes.

With candy in my pocket or something. We can't handle compliments. So, well, obviously I'm standing in for Frank today, who's on holiday. Yeah. And unbelievably, this is very exciting for me, obviously, because, you know, I'm here doing the Frank Skinner show, which is brilliant. And I told my mum, I said, you know, I'm standing for Frank Skinner. And my mum reacted.

What? She went, oh, when's Frank coming back? How? Yeah. Dagger through my heart, right? So, is your mum a listener? My mum is a listener. Dagger through my heart, right? So you're mum a listener? My mum is a listener. No, not this morning, she's not.

Well, you know, this is the kind of rejection. This is how serial killers are made. This is what, you know. Oh, tell me about it. Tell me about it. I'm still hiding bodies in my loft, says Emily. No, it's gutting, isn't it? But don't worry, I got it back.

I got it back. Can I tell you what I like most about you so far this morning is let's have an appraisal this early in the show that'd be wonderful if we could do that you'll find i do that a lot this is the two minute evaluation exactly you'll be evaluated every two minutes my two minute my two minute probation notice may be served go on emily what is it if i may Gareth. What I like most about you this morning is the fact that you've got the radio, we call it headphones. We call it headphones? More like a can. Are you breaking this down for a Welshman?

We call them headphones, Steve. I know you're from Wales. In between when the music was playing, you had the cans across your head like a sort of headband, which I rather liked. You were styling them up. Absolutely. You can wear them anyway, can't you? My favourite way to wear headphones is when you turn them them up absolutely you can wear them anyway can't you my favorite way to wear headphones is when you turn them upside down and you have them like

mickey mouse ears that's good and you walk around like some kind of mobile disco for anyone who's willing to listen it's going to be a good morning i can tell so yeah i've got so my mum my mum i hope uh well she won't be listening actually because i put the seat off her standard chairlift she'll be trapped in the basement. But it's a joke. Come on. Come on. She's trapped on the first floor. Someone should throw the radio down to the basement for her.

Well, if she had headphones like Mickey Mouse headphones, she'd be able to hear it, wouldn't she? But, yeah, so obviously it's been a huge week this week. I bet it's a week that Frank's probably a bit getting to miss, actually, because it's been a huge week of news. Obviously, we had... I think what summed it up best this week was I read a week that Frank's probably going to miss actually, because it's been a huge week of news obviously we had, I think what summed it up best this week was I read a tweet that said

that a prince got married a bad guy died and all we needed was a talking donkey and it would have been a Disney movie this last week that pretty much sums up the mood of what happened because obviously we all know what happened with Osama Bin Laden, but it's just amazing

how the little details were coming out this week has just been cracking me amazing how the little details were coming out. Like, this week, it's just been crackery up how the neighbours have been getting involved. I like a nosy neighbour. Well, that's the thing. But they weren't quite nosy enough, it turns out. They didn't know. Now, can you believe this? They didn't know who Osama was.

Unbelievably, I was in a taxi on Monday night, and my taxi driver said, what's all this fuss? And I said, well, obviously Osama bin Laden's happened. This kind of stuff's happened. And he said, what's all this fuss? And I said, well, obviously Osama bin Laden's happened. This kind of stuff's happened. And he said, who's Osama bin Laden? How can you not know? Like Judge Pickles or someone.

How can you not know who Osama bin Laden is? I don't care how good your iPod is, how good the box set DVD is, or even if you live with Pippa Middleton. How can you not know who Osama bin Laden is? And I told him who he was. And true to form, he wanted to spark something racist off. And I think he meant to say Arabic.

But he turns around and he goes, I don't know where they all come over here, them aerobics. Now, if you're going to be racist, surely, surely you've got to get it right. You know what I mean? Coming over here with their gym equipment, you know, taking a come over here with a gym equipment you know taking a laugh in a cross train of this treadmill out in it but uh yeah so we'll um yes i i'm i've

got a few things to say on this matter yeah i was the abiding thing i took away with me was i know this sounds bad steve but how can that house be worth six hundred thousand pounds is that wrong with me to focus on that aspect of the story it was like a shack it was barbed wire there's not even internet access there i want that if i'm selling at half a million quid no phone no satellite tv it's a disgrace it's like a b&b in devon on it truly was absolute radio a good morning i'm steve williams i'm standing in for frank skinner today It's the usual number for text. If you want to have your say, it's 8-12-15.

We were just talking about, obviously, the biggest news of the week, which was Osama bin Laden. And we were talking about his neighbours and how they never noticed he even lived there, which is such a bizarre thing, isn't it? Surely you'd be alerted by, I don't know, predator drones circling over your over your house look at the missiles that seagulls carrying daddy surely that would

arouse some level of suspicion but you would throw tennis balls wouldn't they return them well they said they would want to go and get their cricket balls but they wouldn't let them come and get them they would give them the money why am i ever not they would give them the money they'd pay them off that's what i read between 70 pence and two pound 50 obviously depend on the cricket ball you were using they obviously had some kind of sliding scale of value uh people get wise to it the kids would be like oh sorry mate i i lost my game boy in your garden i accidentally threw my nintendo Wii over your fence yeah totally because that's the thing I read a thing

and it was glorious it was in the Daily Mail of all the papers that I read and that sounded like an apology didn't it but it wasn't and it said that they used to knock the cricket balls over there and some reader underneath

had just written in the forum I had a neighbour like this who wouldn't return cricket balls I thought one outstanding moment of middle-class rage. What a monster. Everything that a Samabin Laden has done, and that's the thing he's focused on.

Well, to be fair, I focused on the house price, so I'm not that much better. Apparently it was purpose-built, though. It was a purpose-built house. It was, yeah. They had some say in the design. That would be a good episode. They wanted it to look like that. But no, what you mean that neighbors thing that if that was your worst

problem rogue cricket balls that would be fine wouldn't it i mean there's another neighbor he gave um they said he gave rabbits bunnies too didn't he they said you know daniels yeah which is incredible you kind of think about, like, Osama bin Laden, you think of, like, the mastermind of this terrorist network, not some kind of small pet shop in northern Pakistan. Yeah. Because I think the thing with neighbours is, like, there's a common denominator,

is every time these kind of... Oh, very common. That's true. Every time these kind of people... Every time something happens, like Osama bin Laden, Raoul Mote, Fred West, they always have these neighbours who go, oh, he was such a lovely guy he was so quiet you know he'd always pay his milk on time and he you know you just think it makes you it makes you wonder about the

guys you live next door to doesn't it you know i mean it should all be much more suspicious oh absolutely what are your neighbors like what's your neighbors like well we don't have much to do with them so they're a bit of a mystery um i talked about they say he's very quiet he keeps himself to himself keep himself to himself well he's take the first box second box are there predator drones flying over your house no but they do have a black car they have a black i worry about about the black car i don't know why do you worry about they got to hide i don't know. Black walk down? Why do you worry about the black car? Have they got to hide? I don't know. Like, when you see, like... I think that's the FBI work, isn't it?

Yeah. The colour of the car is like... FBI, gangsters. They've all got black cars. Celebrities. Celebrities. Yeah, guess what? Normal people have black cars as well.

That is so suspicious, Gav. Yeah. No, but they also did walk down... Because we've got two bungalows side by side to paint you the picture. You've got two bungalows? Steve, just so you know, he always goes on about his bungalow. He's always boasting about it. It sounds like a semi-detached bungalow. Have you ever seen a detached bungalows side by side to paint you the picture you've got two just so you know he always goes on about his bungalow he's always boasting about it it sounds like a semi-detached bungalow no they're detached but only detached one person can just about walk down the side and I was in the bathroom the other day that is that's a killing name that is your neighbor what is that

it's for ambush but go on no and he was creeping out he was creeping around down the sides of the houses. Oh. I don't know if he was creeping or just walking. Or just walking, yeah. I suspect he was just walking. Isn't it to do with the speed that they're moving? Yeah, it's hard to tell. There's gravel, though, so you could hear the footprints.

I had a neighbour once, though, and he was an elderly man. And he used to knock on the door and he'd say, can you tie my laces up can you do my shoes up to which my response is obviously by slipper horns yeah put your trousers on first yeah no then it got worse then he said would you do my coat up for me and then i thought it was getting a bit charging by the hour i thought i'm not i'm not going to charge him by the hour no on that bombshell yeah absolutely on that bombshell this is frank skinner on absolute radio under pressure from queen there welcome back i'm steve williams standing in for frank

skinner uh the number if you want to text in is 8 12 15 uh where do you like i like the way you're talking over the end of the song i enjoyed that that. That's so professional. Yeah, I enjoyed it. I was in dilemma because there's that little bit of piano at the end and I thought, how is this going to go on for? I like the piano. We have had a text in, Steve. This is Morning Team and Steve. This is from Lisa in Essex.

Yes, acceptance. How could they ever have the cheek to call Obin's house? Obin? Obin. A pallet. I've seen more attractive tips you wouldn't want bin's team designing your extension bin the builder can he fix it obviously not that's the least genetics so there you go nice we've also had a nice good morning new boy steve from

peter and seven oaks and someone who said hi frank becky and gareth so she's being struck off the christmas card list one out of three is a bad how does that feel well it is my middle name how does it feel that someone who's here for has been here 20 minutes and they've got my name right and you've been here for three years you really want to go down this no no absolutely not you're giving me killer eyes killer eyes you've probably got a black car as well haven't you you? I'm seriously worried. I have. So, well, thank you for texting in, guys. I was going to say, it's been a huge week, obviously, with Bin Laden and all that kind of thing. And Osama Bin Laden as well. I don't know if you saw his, he did the White House Correspondents dinner on Sunday.

Oh, yeah. And Barack Obama. Barack Obama. What did I say? I think you said Osama Bin Laden. Well, there's a mix-up. There's a mix-up. People have been doing that a lot, though, haven't they?

They have, and I thought I'd never be one of them. I thought I'd have the nous to pick my way around that. Well, I can only apologise. What an extraordinary correspondence, dear. What was this year? Ladies and gentlemen of the White House and the world's press, I present to you the world's number one terrorist and wanted man. Oh, tough crowd.

Oh dear. Well, there you go. There you go. I saw the thing. Did you see the thing about Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson? No. We're talking about politics. You made it all gossipy. Oh, you and your chat magazine. That's the big story. They're a couple and they're being a very public... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go back. Scarlett Johansson and your chat magazine. That's the big story. They're a couple, and they're being a very public...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, go back. Scarlett Johansson and... Sean Penn. Sean Penn? Yes. Yes, because they go out, they date. They're dating at the moment, yeah. Yeah.

It's quite nice. How's that happened? Yeah, I don't know. I thought Sean Penn was all wrinkly. Well, I've not seen him. No, he's a bit rat-fink, but, you know, what I would say is, I like the fact that she's with him. Really?

Because she could have anyone, let's be honest. She's a bit of a looker, that one. And I like that she's gone for the older man with a bit of, you know, authority, integrity, intelligence. Oh, I don't know. A bit of vintage. You wouldn't want to see Sean Penn getting out of the bath, would you? He'd be about nine foot long with skin. He's all wrinkled.

I've had worse. I've had worse. So they were at the dinner together yeah and apparently they they snuck out at one point and were gone for an hour they snuck out of the dinner for an hour and then came back disheveled isn't that see stuff like that annoys me you know do you mean if you've been invited to the white house correspondence dinner surely you stay until the coffee's served. With Osma Bin Laden. Yeah. You want to see Osma Bin Laden for ten minutes.

Absolutely. See how it goes. What do you not like, then, what you just think, the fact that they... Yeah, they're just couple-y in a very public, smug way. You know, like, oh, look, we like each other, look who we're going out with, oh, look, we're both famous. See, now, Gareth's like me. When you see couples who are all over each other in like public areas you just think do you know i mean and you just you just i don't know you resent them because they're

in love and you're not well also how's the marriage going steve well it sounds like it just ended that's two listeners we've lost your wife and your mother just my brother left but no i know you know what i think is i think it's when they've been dating about three months you know normally mercifully after at least six months everyone hates each other and gets sick of each other and it's fine but it's the smug three month period isn't it that i can't bear it's the hands in the back of the jean pocket oh yes yes promenading and with yeah yeah I don't like that and the other thing oh oh my god you like films I like films too you like pizza I do as well like trying to find things in common all the time yeah yeah I don't like that at all like I've i know friends who like that they pour over each

other all the time and you're just thinking like if one leaves the room it's what gravy or sauce oh nice yeah i will go for the bread sauce just fyi will often go for puns some of which work some of which are excruciating you You have to just keep them on pun watch. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Well, they do pore over each other. The thing I find is I find it slightly... I don't know, it's uncomfortable, especially when it's just you and them.

And then one of them leaves the room and the other one almost has heartbreak. Oh, yeah. And you just feel inadequate. Oh, am I not enough? My conversation? Is my gilded conversation not enough? In fact, what we should do, in fact, text me.

That's what I'd like to hear. I'd like to hear 8-12-15, 8-12-15. What annoys you about couples? What annoys you about coupley couples? The fact that they're in a couple is one of mine. Oh, come on. Come on, let's not have that. This is Absolute Radio.

We've been talking about what annoys you about couples. 8, 12, 15. If you want to text in, tell us what annoys you about couples. Have we had any in, Gareth? Yes, there's a torrent of annoyance coming in. Couples nibbling each other's ears in public puts me off my lunch. That's 503. Yes, 503. Sometimes, Steve, you need to explain to Steve.

Go on, Gareth, what happens with numbers? Yes, I say the last three numbers when they don't give their name why um because he's a bit yeah um sutton c says i hate about coupley couples when they groom each other like yes sounds like a rapper what's a rapper certain c got to say um it might be called ginge as well from sutton coldfield oh it's from sutton coldfield ging from yeah but in fairness to you the fact that you're having to go on this massive investigation to discover his name means sutton c just say your name next time or as i call you zero five zero zero five it'd be much easier just to refer to everyone by their numbers yeah absolutely i think that's what they do at guantanamo he hates it when um they groom each

other they hate when they groom each other oh all right yeah yeah okay i thought i meant grooming the other way we've got ray and west no he likes grooming that way no ray and western matching well i say ray it's pronounced it's spelt r-a-i is that ray r-a-i nice no one i'm familiar with i'm familiar with most male names. Matching clothes, especially sportswear and or trainers. Yeah. Yeah, matching clothes. Yeah, I hate that.

I mean, they look like kids' TV presenters because they're both dressed the same. I can't bear that. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you what else I don't like, Steve. Sitting on laps over the age of... I mean, it's like... It's like... It looks like Twister and they're really uncomfortable and contorted.

Like gargoyles. I can't bear it. I have to leave the room if they sit on each other's laps. Because it's comfy for about a second and then you get awkward. A grown adult sitting on laps. It's horrible. What if there's no space on the bus and they sit on each other's laps? If there's no space on the bus, I wouldn't go and sit on a strange businessman's lap.

Or maybe actually I would. That's another story. But no, I wouldn't do that. Depending if you need a deposit for your house or not. Exactly. I'd have to just stay standing. So why should they have that weird option? Because they're in love.

They're not like us. Miserable. Yeah, but are they really? Of course they are. It's what they show in the world. It's a show, isn't it? I'm in love. Everybody look at me.

I'm not dying on the inside. No, it's a look at me aspect. Well, they are really. They'll be dying on the inside. Just give it three months. Let's be honest be honest three months that's when the honey is over isn't it that's when you stop wearing stockings and you start wearing tights that's your benchmark what i really like about you is the glass is just half empty it's also a weapon isn't it oh no someone nicked the glass

my i what i don't like about couples couples is when they use each other as an excuse for not seeing you or phoning you or when they say, I'm sorry, I can't come out tonight. Yeah, I haven't seen my partner for a while now. Yeah, that happens a lot, doesn't it? That's not an excuse. That just means you're staying in. Yeah, yeah.

That just means, like, you know, it's like I can't come out, I'm washing my hair i'm seeing my partner see well this is this is this is the thing see because everyone gets into um like like my my wife yeah as uh i'm hoping to patch up later on um my wife how long have you been together steve together yeah uh eight years oh you're definitely on the tights stage now then definitely tight stage yeah past the stockings phase oh right i thought you meant i started wearing her tights i was like all right i thought i've got that to look forward to i was like all right cool i'm got there yet but

i was quite looking for that um but that's the thing see like like we're not coupley coupley um but um we get into we get into things see we got we've gone to a bit of a ding-dong this week, because you have differences, right? We've got a ding-dong this week about Bradley Cooper, of all people, if you know him. He's of A-Team fame and other... Controversial subject. He is a controversial subject. And we had a ding-dong that... See, I'm not the best-looking man in the world.

I'm what you'd probably classify as just above Ming-In. Steve, don't be so... We waited too long. Sorry, we should have got right in there. not the best looking man in the world i'm what you'd probably classify as uh just above minging we've really stirred the cynical heart of our listeners because we seem to be inundated with the texts uh about people who really don't like couples what we got people in love they hate people in love this is what we do it's the service we provide um this is we've established we don't hate people in love we hate people who show we're at the hold-up stage as i call it i like what's the hold-up stage just okay so just to explain i did say it but basically it's when you first meet someone you make an effort well i do um you make an effort so that that involves things like wearing a bit more makeup wearing hold-ups and stockings instead of tights to pretend you're all kind of sexy and

devil may care and after about three months they get the tights yeah yeah i get you it's like men calvin klein's first date market pants pants, you know, six months in. The ones where the elastic doesn't hold for longer than a week. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Okay. So we've got a text from 725. Hi, Steve, Gareth and Emily.

I can't stand it when couples are cuddly over the phone and not only fight over hang-ups, like who to hang up first, but also general use of babe and baby. Very cringy. Yes, I get you, yeah. But you never see that in email. You see it on the phone, don't you? You hang up, you hang up of babe and baby very cringy yes i get you yeah but you never see that in email you see on the phone don't you you hang up you hang you never get people emailing no you stop emailing oh you should stop emailing i never get that because everyone always hangs up on me um oh connor i hate it when couples finish each other's sentences nice that's that's

Nice. That's been very controversial. I've just been cautious not to finish your sentence. We don't want your wife getting suspicious. We are. Oh, I almost did it then. Yeah, nice. It tends to get very personal with this subject. 797, how they need to show you off to their friends

and one of them has to tell you how bad her last boyfriend was and her boyfriend bores you to death about his mobile and job. Fred in Darlington. He's basically our... His mobile? What's he saying? Yeah, have you seen my new iPhone? Yeah, this is the new... I really like Fred in Darlington.

He's our sort of core support base, isn't he? I do like it when people are in love. Sorry, Steve, can I just pick up, Gareth, on the fact that he was trying to talk about mobile phones and said, I like the new Samsonite. Well, I thought... It's luggage. I thought I wasn't supposed to mention a brand of phones.

So you mentioned some luggage. Makes total sense to me. Makes total sense to me. Samsung? Samsung would have been better. But I don't want to seem to be endorsing other mobile phones that are available. It's like me. I've got an iCabbage.

There you go. You have got a little bit of iCabbage just... Oh, nice. Disgusting. other mobile phones are available it's like me i've got an eye cabbage there you go you have got a little bit of eye cabbage just oh no early in the morning lovely return of serve so uh yeah couples couples are in cup let's see this is the thing see like i'm eight years into my relationship two years into my marriage coming up um and the same one though it's the it is the same one it's the very same good uh and you see she's posh what does she do she's a lawyer she's like see what i mean what i say she's successful she's a she's self-made woman shoes on my feet i bought them etc etc yeah she'll have them back if you leave there's that as well it won't just be the shoes it'll be the house as well but don't worry you can't ever leave her

luckily three years ago I bought a tent I can't ever leave her no I wouldn't ever leave her it's built to last something's built to last you know what I mean

oh I love the first bus of romance but see the thing is what I'm saying is you can have like this like bumps in the road all the time like this

what I was saying before the break actually about Bradley Cooper because we got into a bit of a tangle the other day like i said to you i'm not the best looking guy in the world but my wife really likes bradley cooper yeah yeah from the new um limitless he's in that film isn't he limitless yes which i believe is quite a good film um but see the thing is i don't think he's that good looking I don't think he's good looking to me he looks like Shirley from EastEnders wearing Hugh Grant's hair

do you know what I mean he's not he's not a looker he's not a looker for me his face is too it's too sharp it's too pointy

a bit rat think again you see he the parts this is his first like in go in the lead role usually he plays

like the evil good looking man because he's got a point yeah he's got like he's got piercing eyes you drive a black car absolutely he's got an aerodynamic face he's got a convertible he's often discussed between me and my friends a friend of mine calls him a charisma vacuum and then my god daughter honey she i remember she once said about him that he looked like a greasy man from a Florida mall. Which I thought was a brilliant observation. There you go, put a Hawaiian shirt on him and that's exactly what you've got, isn't it? Do you think he's attractive, Bradley Cooper? I don't really see it.

Because he just looks like he looks a bit of a cheater and a bit, yeah. A cheater? Yes, he does. He's got an untrustworthy face. Really? Yeah. Well, don't sound so... You should be pleased

about this you don't like the guy emily can tell cheetahs she knows a cheetah yeah yeah i can see it in their eyes takes one to no one yeah pretty much a shocking admission because i think he's just he's just it's his face and i can't believe my wife because i don't know i mean who do you find attractive who do you find attractive well i know i don't find attractive, I know I don't find attractive. Go on, do that. Well, no, it is that weird thing, though, that it's strange there's a pressure to fancy movie stars, isn't there? Because you think, well, everyone fancies him.

And I just don't get it. So, like, George Clooney. You don't fancy George Clooney? What? No. Even I fancy George Clooney. Greek dad on the school run. Don't get it at all.

What? Don't get it at all. Stop phoning, George. What a shocking admission. I can do nothing more than play this next song. Absolute radio. We've been talking this morning at length, actually, about what annoys you about couples,

and we've had quite a lot of... Quite a lot of... Yeah, couples are really annoying, apparently. ...of texts sent in on 8-12-15. That's 8-12-15, what annoys you about couples. And I'm still rocking, rocking at the admission that Emily thinks that George Clooney is not attractive. Well, yeah, because we also then went on to talking about

his celebrities that we didn't find attractive. But we've had another one in. We've had two people agreeing with me. I've never fancied George Clooney either. I thought it was just me. He has a really odd mouth. From 176. George Clooney has an odd mouth. Hold the sender. I assume it's George Clooney. I'm hoping it's George Clooney either. I thought it was just me. He has a really odd mouth. George Clooney has an odd mouth, or the sender.

I assume George Clooney. I'm hoping it's George Clooney too, otherwise that's a bit too much for an email. There's another one as well from Lawson Hartfordshire. I don't fancy George Clooney. He seems like a big head to me. George Clooney? Oh, he's beautiful, isn't he? Isn't George Clooney the guy

who James Blunt wrote that song about? Didn't he say he saw George Clooney on the tube isn't that that was the inspiration for that song that may or may not be true

what's this one Gareth from um what's that 333 I don't it says I agree with and then it's full stop which would imply

they don't know my name slightly going off 333 um I don't understand or see the likes of Clooney or Jude Law I do like Matt Damon Johnny Johnny Depp and our DJ.

Who's our DJ? Our DJ? It's the DJ in his local nightclub. He's from Liverpool. Robert Downey Jr. Oh, Robert Downey Jr. There you go. Encrypting the last one for Gareth to get.

Well, I'm glad we know all 333s. Well, they're all good looking guys, all of them, aren't they? There's someone who says about 641, ah, Bradley Cooper. I was thinking of Bradley Walsh when Steve was just talking and thought that it was a bit harsh that his wife said some random C-list celeb was hotter than him. It makes more sense now.

My girlfriend loves him as well. Bradley Cooper, that is. I don't know what she thinks of Bradley Walsh. She giveth and she taketh away. That's from Mark and Richmond. I found this hot bit she thinks of Bradley Moore. She giveth and she taketh away. That's from Mark and Richmond. I found this hot bit of info about Bradley Cooper. Go on. That sounded a bit sleazy when you said that.

Digging around his past. Bradley Cooper's past? This confirms your beliefs about him. In 1997 he moved to New York and started doing his stage work and he played the Elephant Man. He played the Elephant Man? Yeah elephant man yeah without makeup why are you all so busy about bradley cooper's back catalogue

extraordinary we've also had uh actually steve no you know it's your show well i was gonna i was gonna ask actually who who i mean let's let's vote on cooper first of all gareth in or out do you rate him you're a good looking boy i think he's all right i might have said that wrong yeah i mean he did play the face on eight on the 18. he did and that's that's that's a that's a yeah it's a timeless role i do think i do think he's good looking, but I do think he looks evil. He looks evil. Nice. You're on my side. Emily?

I'm going with my beloved goddaughter, honey. He looks like greasy Florida man from the wall. So, yeah, I'm out. I'm out. See, do you know, there's a lot of people, like people, they side with celebs, don't they, because they're famous, obviously. There's a lot of people, like, in fact, Scarlett Johansson, we mentioned earlier on, I'm not a a big fan of hers i know what you mean

oh no i get her i think she's great why do you not get find her i don't know i don't know when i i mean physically when i look at it she's it's i don't know she's plainer than plain flour she's like you know there's nothing there's nothing about it she's i still think of the horse whisperer she was in the horse whisperer she was in the horse i don't think she's changed that much since she was think of the horse whisperer she was in the horse whisperer she was in the horse whisperer i don't think she's changed that much since she was in the horse whisperer she wasn't oh nice nice it's all going off here this is absolute radio vaccines if you wanna what a great song no thanks i'm all vaccined up nice um oliver from kent We've been talking about annoying couples,

and Oliver from Kent has got all self-conscious. He says, Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 18 months now, and we still hold hands walking down the street. Surely that's okay. But when going up an escalator, I put my arm around her and we have a quick kiss. Is that okay, or do we need to stop?

Oh, it's an etiquette debate, isn't it? Is it acceptable to cuddle a lady on an escalator? I say get a room. I don't know. It's a moving staircase, essentially. She could be frightened. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, all the more reason to be cautious

and to concentrate on what you're doing. They're very sharp, the edges of those stairs. You don't want to be getting off with each other. Oh, I don't know. Emily? I think I've made my views absolutely clear on this matter if it was up to you'd pull the end open have a cheese grater in there exactly wood chip by the couple in fact i'd like to move on steve if you don't mind uh we have had a text in from luke

nice it was actually an email i'll upgrade him to an email status he says dear gorgeous emily hence me reading hang on hang on hang on friend, hang on. Friend of Raymond, Gareth, because Gareth's friends with Raymond Blanc, which he'll talk to you about. It's not a euphemism for... Are you? Yeah, he's good friends with him. Yeah, we're mates.

He went into his cafe once. He was there, though. Anyway, let's not recap. The giggling producer. Oh, that's Emma. She gets him. The mystery giggling producer. Not so mystery. She likes to build a part up. Called Emma. She gets him. She loves it when she gets it. The mystery giggling producer. Not so mystery.

She likes to build a part up. Called Emma. And just Frank, I'm a boy. Oh, well, it was written and he didn't know you were going to be here. It's all a bit awkward. I'm sorry. A long-time listener, first-time correspondent. I've had a thought for something to talk about.

I'm 37 and being called Luke has been a yoke since the age of four and the release of the first of the Star Wars films. It was only a month ago when some wit called me Skywalker and stood waiting for applause, certain in the knowledge that he was the first person in 33 years to crack the funny. That's from Luke. Well, I think if you're named Luke, you've got to accept that, haven't you?

That's part of the deal, isn't it? It's not exactly a controversial name, is it? I mean, it's fairly standard. I've got a friend called Alexander and everybody he works with says Simples. So, you know, it could be worse.

It could be a lot worse. Very simple. De-friend them. De-friend them. De-friend them. But you know, because I was reading about, did you read about Mariah Carey?

She's just had her twins. Oh yeah, ridiculous names. She had twins. Well, it puts Luke into perspective because she has called her children Monroe and Moroccan.

Moroccan? Yeah. What? Moroccan. So it's an inhabitant rather than a name. It's a nationality, surely. Yeah. Do you know why she's called the child Moroccan?

Why is she called Moroccan? Well, because one of the rooms in her New York City apartment is called the Moroccan Room. What? Because it's decorated in a Moroccan style. Oh, yeah. And that's where Nick proposed to her. So she's named the baby after the room?

After the style of one of her rooms. Oh, dear. A lot of kids called Ikea, I think. Yeah, exactly. I'm glad the room wasn't shabby chic. Moroccan. I just think that's weird although and obviously gareth well he's not with child but laura's with child has it given you any ideas this um well i did i think one

of my ideas for ethan was spanish yeah i do quite like the name you're gonna call him spanish spanish what about welsh spanish welsh welsh is quite good welsh would be great if louis walsh had a kid welsh walsh that'd be that'd be an excellent name wouldn't it you're talking welsh walsh welsh walsh um the other child monroe was named after marilyn monroe marilyn monroe yeah not marvin monroe so it's cool is that a good name ipsons. So it's Cornwall Rock. Is that a good name? To me, I think it's a bit of a weird name, if I'm honest.

But what do you think of Brooklyn Beckham? Oh, I don't mind that. That's a locale, not, as you say, a nationality. It's that nationality aspect of it that I find rather curious. So it's about how big the geographical area is. Yes, really. So if you called your baby SW15, that's acceptable. No, but W11 is very acceptable.

Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. That was Simple Minds, Don't You Forget About Me. We've been getting texts 8, 12, 15, 8, 12, 15. Yeah. We're getting texts coming in about all sorts. We're talking about, 8-12-15, 8-12-15. Yeah. We're getting texts coming in about all sorts. We're talking about, just for the break there, for the Simple Minds song,

about Mariah Carey's named her baby after a room in their house that's named Moroccan, which was closely contested with the word kitchen. But kitchen was... Because there's this whole spate of um people naming their babies after after objects or where they were conceived which what we were talking about yeah um which is uh how paris hilton got her name oh really no i think it probably was no come on well she's an actual hilton but the parent anyway let's not get too deeply into her uh ben stop it gareth ben from kent i want to call my first son falcon still trying to convince the wife i think that's quite good it's an excellent name because he could

call him he could hop onto his forearm yeah that'd be excellent falcon and we've had another text in uh i was nearly named vancouver williams because i was conceived there i'm 25 now so i like to think my parents had the idea way before the Beckhams. They settled with Tom. Tom. After the sat-nav. Very good. Someone texted in about Scarlett Johansson.

It's Dan on 646. He says, her plainer than plain flower look is what makes her so fantastically beautiful. Ooh, Dan. I'll see you on the marshes for a jewel scarlet is surely one of the most naturally gorgeous people lost in translation shows her as such dan sitting on a crowded bus with my girlfriend sitting on the other side not even looking oh i like that emily stood up yeah i like that texting about how beautiful scarlet

well i think that's... Well, she is... I can see that she's a beautiful lady. I'm not immune to it. What I'm saying is she's overhyped. Because they're in the papers all the time, these people. Because, like, for me, I like a story.

Do you know what I mean? Like, the other day I read... Whatever turns you on. I read a headline the other day. 26 ghosts, 20 UFOs, 11 witches, 3 zombies and 2 vampires spotted in Wales. That's the kind of stuff that should be in a newspaper. Is that the whole population now?

Nice, nice. They're census results. Yeah, exactly. The census is in. Wow, welcome Frank Skinner's casual racism. No, I can say that because I'm half Welsh. Are you half Welsh? Yes, my mum's Welsh, Steve. Oh, nice. I'm a quarter Welsh.

Go on. Are you full Welsh? Me? Yeah. Full on full Welsh. Oh, there's a lot of Welsh going on in this room. We're mostly Welsh in here. We probably need some kind of visa. There's probably some kind of lottery funded initiative for this show. So many Welsh people in one room. But I just love

that kind of stuff it's like that i read a headline in the um telegraph about four months ago and it's in the telegraph and you know the headlines that just keep giving it was um transvestite has dalliance with dog in the moat of a national heritage castle is there's so much information going on there it's just every word you go, what the, what the? You know, that's why I like the fact that this Powys police, they found 26 ghosts. Well, they had to go out and see them, didn't they? Yeah.

Have you ever been to Powys? Have you ever been to Powys? It's in mid Wales. I think I have. I haven't been there. It's an area, isn't it? I've been to Cardiff, though. You've been to Cardiff.

Nice. You sound like an American. Are you from London? No, I'm familiar with the Welsh coast. Excuse me. You're familiar with the Welsh coast? Welsh coast? I've drawn it in school.

I'm familiar with the shape of your country. I'm very proud of my Welsh heritage, I'll have you know. And so you should be. And I saw Gavin and Stacey once. Is that why you're half Welsh? Because you saw Gavin and Stacey? No, my mother's Welsh. Well, Powys is, um...

Where they saw all these ghosts, they are... Well, Powys is... I can't describe it. Powys Hilton. Oh, nice. That would be a good look. I told you about the puns.

Well, the other pun should have been... It's a Mike Myers character, obviously. Austin Powys. But, you know, I can't do more for you. no i was gonna say they're just up there it's a sort of like quite a remote location and the people are a bit nutty like my friend my friend his friend from powers and he was filling a job application form and on his job application form he said blood type and he wrote red oh dear exactly that's the kind of people who are seeing these things you know they're seeing these ghosts this is people things that people have rung in to to

tell the police about for them to come it is yeah i mean if you do you believe in ghosts firstly gaff i do believe in ghosts yes i believe emily doesn't i joke i don't believe in them either emily funnily enough i don't believe in them either. Emily. No, funnily enough, I don't believe in ghosts either, because they don't exist, OK? So why... I don't believe in ghosties or spooks or Derek Acora or men in sheets. I believe that if something happens, you know, a mark can be left behind.

Oh, I don't know. Yes, but what about ghosts? Well, you know, I don't know if it's necessarily ghosts. Absolute radio. We've been here at the Frank Skinner Show, 8, 12, 15, on the text. We've had a few texts in. Yes, we were talking about names, which wasn't a planned texting, but people have just gone for it.

I like the way they just roll with it. They're proactive. These listeners are proactive. I was nearly called Sherry as my mother was drunk when conceived. My kids are named after... Oh, is that from my sister? Jim, his kids are named after F1 drivers, Damon and Jensen. Jensen born fast...

That's F1's Formula One, Gareth, darling. F1's right, yes. I wanted to call my son Aslan from Narnia. My girlfriend thought it would sound like a terrorist. I think Aslan's a great name, isn't it? Aslan. Aslan. We've had a text in about couples. Hi, Stephen Crew. I've said Stephen Crew. Stephen and Crew. Married 25 years and my wife still wears stockings. So I must be lucky. Mind you, she found tights didn't work so well for the bank raids. That's from Pat. I like Pat.

Pat's still got that humour going. I like it. Absolutely. That's the thing, because, listen, good on Pat. Good on Pat and good on these people. Brandy and, well, Sherry, wasn't it? Sherry. Brandy Diffrey.

That's begging an alcoholic's name, isn't it? Mitch the Spark, which is a brilliant name. Mitch the Spark. That's his name. Yes. Well, that's what he was named. Do you think it's because he's an electrician? I think he's an electrician.

I like to think he's called Mitch the Spark. Well, either that or he's really bright. He's really clever. Steve? Yes. Can I read that? Gareth, I'm just talking to Steve. I'm sorry. What should I do?

Go on. Sorry, Steve. David in Nottingham. I was reading Mitch the Sparks one I'm sorry Gary Surely Mitch the Spark He's got more going on From the David in Nottingham

He's complaining No offence David in Nottingham He was complaining Saying I don't understand These people are sending in their names Their parents wanted to call them What happened? Good point Mitch the Spark

Well you say good point But you mocked him In the way that you read the text. I didn't. I was doing the interview. And let's see how Emily's message goes. I said that day from the Nottingham. We love you, Emily. This is from David in Nottingham.

You read it like a newsreader as well. She likes David from Nottingham. David, if you're there, she's after you. The key questions when I go on a date are, do you watch Slash Believe Most Haunted? Do you watch Slash? are, do you watch slash believe most haunted? Do you watch slash? No. Do you watch Guns and Roses?

No, it's shorthand. Do you watch slash believe most haunted? Do you like Derek Okora? If she answers yes to either, then I'll never see her again. This is Absolute Radio. That was the Foo Fighters with rope there. And guess what? Guess what emily's got some traction we found the guy somebody's emailed in or texted in sorry on 8 12 15 about

david nottingham yes blair from nottingham said i moved here from la to marry a man from nottingham how's the project going um it worries me because it's blair witch project i think this might be something um he watched most haunted and ghost hunters every night with fervor believing everything yvette fielding said i divorced him can i get dave from nottingham's number back off blair it could happen it could happen i'd love it if they got together can we seriously get them together dave from nottingham i think you should text in of course we can't 8 12 15 we can both of you meet me at milton keen services at uh three o'clock this afternoon and i'm that sounds a bit oh that sounds dodgy doesn't it actually carry out the ceremony what's going to happen there yeah i was thinking of getting

them married but i wasn't thinking of anything beyond that really but it does sound incredibly dodgy doesn't it but that's okay so um yeah so sum it all up i mean good for them i think get together on it yes and they both have blair's an interesting name we're beginning with names today it's important to have things in common more important than things you like i think the things you hate is what actually keeps people together you together as a couple i do love is fleeting hate is forever well exactly that is from the very black heart of this show that's above my bed embroidered needlework oh dear that's that's all i've made me really sad i imagine you're living in some kind of don't be

sad it's a fabulous place i live in um so steve we've had such a lovely time with you this morning. Well, it's been excellent, hasn't it? We've been very lucky. You guys have been excellent. Gareth's been brilliant. You've been wonderful. Oh, I didn't like that. Gareth's been brilliant. Do you like compliments? I didn't like lucky. It's not luck. It's been pure professionalism on all our parts, I think.

That's wonderful. 30 seconds left. 30 seconds left 30 seconds left you just whistle into the next song shouldn't I 30 seconds left well thank you very much

for looking at Babysitting Us well it's no problem Frank is back next week obviously which is exciting and obviously we love him so he's back next week

Ben Jones is next after this show what I should say is good luck to you guys on Monday night because you've got the Sony Awards which have been nominated

for three awards. If I get nominated for Best Newcomer, let me know by text. We will. That'd be nice. Just if I keep my mum in the basement and the breakup of my marriage this afternoon. Other than that, let's kick it off with Now Doubt It's My Life. We only have this accent. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio.