The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - New Kid On The Block

Episode Date: June 11, 2011

Frank and Emily are joined by new boy Alun Cochrane. The new team talk Whippets, Popstar to Opera Star and an incident between Elvis and Alice Cooper

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Sir Bruce Forsyth. Oh, how exciting. Let's face it, it's getting a bit late for him to get a Duke of Edinburgh award. I'm with Emily and I'm with Alan. Hello. Our new boy. Yeah, now everyone's thinking, is it Phil Marshall, Alan Brooke, who was the chief military advisor to Sir Winston Churchill during World War II? But no, it isn't.

You guessed. The other Alan. It is, yeah. It's Alan Cochran, the comedian. Hello. Who has done this show before, I should point. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that he's a... Friend of the show. Yeah, he was a friend of the show.

He was a friend of the show. He still is. He's a colleague. Obviously, there'll be a certain amount of backbiting and resentment going on. So, Alan, welcome. Well, thank you very much. Nobody mentioned the backbiting and resentment until now. I don't normally announce it.

What happens is it usually seeps in, like water seeping into a sinking ship. I'll look forward to that next week, thank you. So, those of you who didn't hear last week's show and expecting Gareth to be here, he's walked. He's no longer with the company. No, he's no longer with the company.

He's left to spend time with his family, as they say. So, we had his big goodbye last week, obviously. Yeah, we had the farewell. Frank, can I just say, we've got to be careful not to talk about Gareth too much. It's a bit like talking about an ex. It's quite bad form, if you don't mind me saying.

Yeah, this is... What I'm doing now is I'm kind of folding up the last few photographs and letters. OK, fair enough. Yeah, I'll tell you what we did. We did that thing. I don't know if you've ever been in this situation and I think we all have

when you've got to sign a card for someone but they're there so you have to start going off to sign the card and there's lots of quite bad signalling about you know and people obviously with things under their jacket and the terrible thing is

the person who's, whatever, who's going to get the card, knows, absolutely knows what's going on, but has to pretend they don't know. Absolutely, yeah. Sort of just a studious avoidance of people's eye contact and stuff like that. It was like that bit in a pantomime where he said, oh, little does he know I have a large dog in that box, and the person deliberately doesn't hear it. It was like that. We bought him a large dog, by the way. the person deliberately doesn't hear it. It was like that.

We bought him a large dog, by the way. I know you're not supposed to give him as gifts, but, you know, you can always have him put down if he doesn't want to. Well, exactly. Yeah, so, anyway, one door shuts and another door opens, which I believe is the new slogan for IKEA. I don't know if that'll drag people in or not.

And when, I should say, one last thing I noticed when I looked back on the show last week is that when Gareth did quite a tearful goodbye speech. He did, it was very emotional. And what I should have really played was R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts. But of course, because it was Absolute Radio, I actually played the adverts. So it's a very tearful farewell

followed by We Buy Any Car. That's very commercial radio, isn't it? Not so much tearful as commercial. So we've also got a new producer today, Liesl, who's been in before, but she's in today. I'm just explaining. It's like me and Emily are looking at each other

like two kids who were at the same junior school. Now we've gone to the big school and we're the only ones who we know. Your manager's here in a white shirt with a new haircut. I think we've established the dramatist person, eh? Lisa, are you named after the girl who fell in love with the Nazi in Sound of Music? Yes.

You are? Lovely. That's a nice thing. Why don't we name her after that girl who liked Nazis love with the Nazis in Sound of Music. You are, lovely. That's a nice thing. What do we name her after that girl who liked Nazis? Well, Ava. No, no, not the one who married... Not real Nazis. Hollywood Nazis. That's a good choice.

What about... Gareth bought me a book as a farewell present. Oh, did he? Yeah, called God's Great Promises. Oh. Yeah. Have you read it yet? Well, when he gave it me, it was just a second-hand book about the Bible, and it looked to be, you know, second-hand.

It was dripping with E. coli. But it turns out it was written by his granddad. Oh, really? Yeah, which was just absolutely... Oh, so it was free as well? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, which was just absolutely... I thought it was free as well. Yeah. I think he had to prize it from his hand. But it was...

It was called their dad. No, it was... Oh, it was lovely. It's one of the... What a nice thing. My grandad only wrote begging letters. We didn't keep any of those. Obviously, we didn't even get the drafts of them.

My grandad was a bigamist, but that's another story. Yeah, that's actually true. For those of you thinking, what a weird non-secretor that was. No, that's true. I think we're leaving on that, shall we? Yeah, why not? Good. Shall we play Travis doing

Why Does It Always Rain On Me? It's a great idea. This is Frank Skinner Shall we play Travis doing Why Does It Always Rain On Me? It's a great idea. Hmm. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Don't you think Travis wrote Why Does It Always Rain On Me just so they could do it at festivals and people would think, how apt, I'll remember this moment for the rest of my life. Yeah.

Yeah. That's why I wrote that song, I'm absolutely stoned. Someone's nicked stuff out of my life. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I wrote that song. I'm absolutely stoned. And someone's nixed up at my tent. And I fail to wash. Oh. Sorry, Alan. Everyone says it's because they're from Scotland, isn't it? Why does it always rain on me?

It's because you're from Scotland. It was the obvious joke at the time that everybody did, wasn't it? Can I say Alan is from Scotland? Yeah. I am originally. That's okay. So don't start? Can I say Alan is from Scotland? Yeah, I am originally. OK, so don't start your anti-Sassanac remarks. Yeah, yeah. Now I've said it.

He's allowed to. By the way, if you have any remarks of any kind, you can text us on 8-12-15. I said 8-12-15. Someone just has texted, is Liesl there on work experience? So she's probably 16 going on 17. That's from 131.

Yeah. Yeah, well, obviously you haven't got the webcam on the go. She's got her legs out today. I don't even look at that. We're talking professional colleagues. Yeah. So, Alan, it's welcome to my world, as I think Jim Reeves once said. Thank you.

Just before he hit that mountain. Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. What can we say about you? You're actually one of my favourite comics. Thank you very much. Have I ever told you that before? Yes, last time I was in.

I hate it when I go on about stuff like that. He's getting greedy already. We then spent a long time discussing my epic anthic folds the last time I was here. Oh, yeah, your Nordic appearance. Well, it's actually my sort of Southeast Asian-looking eyes. Do you know, I call it Margaret Thatcher eyelids. Oh, really?

Don't take that the wrong way. OK, well, yeah, I've never noticed that about her, but I'll look now next time. That's what Google Images is for, isn't it? I imagine her eyelids were very muscular because she only had 20 minutes sleep a day. Oh, that's true. Four hours, yeah.

Now she's paying the piper. Is she? Yeah. Is she? Right. And I wouldn't mind, he's not even playing. He just knows she won't remember. So he just keeps charging.

He's in there every 20 minutes. Poor, poor soul. So what's new in your life, Alan? We have a new dog. Oh, that came out of nowhere It's amazing isn't it, it's amazing news I've never had a dog before, it's very exciting What?

Never had a dog in my life How old are you? I'm 36 years old And you've never had a dog in the family? No, no, when we were, my mum was a single parent with three sons And it seemed like a dog would be, that would tip the balance to too much to do wouldn't it i don't know you could be churlish to expect a dog as well on top of that i could have adopted the father figure role in the well exactly yeah you've got one of those old grain mongrels you know the old gray muzzle and maybe a small pipe you could have got

a pipe in there and wouldn't that have have been excellent parenting? Here's your father, children. There's manky mongrel in the corner, yeah. If you could eat your food out of a bowl as well, I'd be really a proud mother. That would be great. Look, I could probably take you onto the streets of London now and show you worse parenting in that. Absolutely. But, no, the last pet we had was a goldfish that we found dead

when we returned from watching the film Condorman. That stayed with me. I can never see Michael Crawford and not think of my dead goldfish that we found dead when we returned from watching the film Condorman. That stayed with me. I can never see Michael Crawford and not think of my dead goldfish. Were you not feeding it properly? I think it was one of those goldfish that had been won from a fair. You hadn't left it in the bag? No, it had lived

for, I think it had been like seven years or something. It had lasted ages for a goldfish. Yeah. And it was called WUM. W-U-M. Right. Which was how we said William, I think. I don't know why it was called Wum. Wum. It was how you said William.

Wum. Right. I don't know. Maybe my mum's meant to be listening. Perhaps she can let me know. Did you live under a large layer of treacle? Yes. Yeah, we were keen snorkelers. So what dog are you going to get them?

Well, we have a whippet. We have a lovely whippet. It's happened already. It's already in the house. Oh, Frank's got a lot of work in that field. Oh, yeah, I'm a former whippet owner. You are, Frank? I am.

I mean, way back. Great. In fact, so far back that Cal, which is the name of the Whippet me and him stayed up late to watch the first moon landing wow that's how long ago it's been he was obsessed with the space race

I've never known a Whippet like him there was an anniversary of it last year wasn't there what Cal? I've got to miss the anniversary of Cal all the broadsheets covered it and ignored the space landing. I think he was drawn in by Laika, the first dog in space. Of course. Sputnik 2.

The trailblazer was Laika. Literally a trailblazer. He actually died of overheating. I like his name, Cal. Prodigy of 1950s, film star. Well, it was 60s anyway. All right. Don't try and make me sound...

Am I the only DJ on this station who talks about when he watched the moon landing with his whipping? Probably. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank Skinner, Emily and Alan. Hello.

That's who's here this morning. Alan with a... It's Alon, isn't it? Alan with a U, yeah. It's the Welsh spelling and Alan. Hello. It's Alan, isn't it? Alan with a U, yeah. It's the Welsh spelling. Yeah. Although I'm not Welsh. They like it with a U.

Yes. Sorry, Cal. I can't believe I said that. I had an IEM there, Frank. You had a what? IEM. That's an idiotic eureka moment. Oh, okay. Of course, yeah. We shouldEM there, Frank. You had a what? IEM. That's an idiotic eureka moment. Oh, OK. Oh, of course, yeah.

Yeah, we should explain this, Alan. It's one of those things when you get things, like, ages after. Like Pinky and Per... Was it not Pinky and Per... Sutty and Sweep. It took us ages. Somebody said, I've only just got the fact that it's like a pun on, you know, the whole chimney sweeping activity.

Cool. And we haven't got that. Yeah. So it's like a pun on, you know, the whole chimney-sweeping activity. Cool. And we haven't got that. Yeah. So it's an IEM. OK. Yeah, so when you get something, an idiotic eureka moment. So a eureka moment, which comes way too late, is basically the idea.

OK. Are there any other acronyms that I need to be emailed during the week? I'm full of them. I'm absolutely full of them. Oh, you're an acronym fest. I really am. An IF, I'm telling you. So have you got a name fest. I really am. An IF, aren't you?

So have you got a name for your whippy? Yes, she's called Lucky. She was originally called Lacey, and we didn't really like that. Oh, no, it's a bit EastEnders love. Lacey? Yeah, and I quite like the idea of a dog name. Lacey seems too much like a person's name, doesn't it? To me, it sounds like something you might call an anti-macassar.

What's an anti-macassar? It's those things you have on the back of a sofa to lean your head on oh we've got the laces it's to stop your broil cream getting on it i see an anti-macasa yeah i think there was one present when i watched the moon landing if i remember right the room was just full of them back then we were awash with antimacassars is that how you say it? Anti-Macassar? Yeah. I've never heard that word. That's exciting. Well, see, every day is a school day on this show. Isn't it? Isn't it really? Wait till the listeners start contacting us on 8, 12, 15.

They are a mine of information. Anyway, it's Lacey. It was originally Lacey and now it's Lucky, which I think may be part of the problem with her obedience because we're shouting a name that she just doesn't recognise. She's thinking... How long was she lacy for? Sounds like a question about the career of Madonna.

Well, seven or eight months. Not Madonna, the dog. Oh, you changed! I thought this was a new dog. It is a new dog to me, yeah. Seven or eight months, it's a new dog. I don't know if you can change really well we can oh dear that's quite strict she doesn't want doggy treats

then she's gonna be uh she can happily be lacy for the rest of her life i like your your plan if it's lucky she might not notice yeah you've picked someone quite similar yeah that's that was the thinking behind it and well you know know, I've not got a great track record. My pet goldfish was called One. She's a whippet. They are fast. They are really fast, aren't they? I know that's stating the obvious, but on the subject of stating the obvious, I was walking her the other day and she was a bit scared because it was near a road and she literally had her tail between her legs and my mate was going, that's where the phrase literally had her tail between her legs and my mate was going that's where the phrase comes from tail between her legs that's an idiotic so i kicked him up the backside as well so that he knew that phrase and where it came from

you kicked him or or locky no no the my mate i thought you were just hammering that tail so it was right in the groove totally locked getged. Get properly unhappy. She didn't want it to spring out. That could have a child's eye out. And we haven't got the dog insurance yet. No, no. What a world where you get your dog insured in case it hurts a child that's passing or something. But still, there's no licensing anymore,

so that's seven and six you've saved. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. Frank, what was your experience of the Whippet then with Cal? Is there any tips? Well, I tell you, I find, I found, with whippets generally, they're very highly strong. You think? Oh, God.

They tremble, don't they? They tremble. I don't like it when they tremble. No, I'm not a fan of the trembling. No, it looks like you've pressed pause if you were watching them on VHS. Right, yeah, yeah. Exactly that, yeah. Yeah, and I don't...

No, that's... Is Cal the one that ate through the eiderdown? No, no, that was Shep. Oh, that was Shep. Cal was... We raised Cal originally. Really? She always won.

Yeah, of course. And I say she, come to think of it, it was a he. Just trying to remember what was on the sofa that night. And then she saw a cat up the garden and she tried to to jump the trellis work right yeah and she tore a toenail out and that ruined her career basically of running yeah yeah yeah well racing i think they call it right they run they do do they Do you call it running? I'd say. I mean, they do run fast. It was racing career and running as a method of transport. As a general pastime.

Yeah, exactly. It's had to run on three legs, which is not easy. Oh, no, no, that's a bit difficult. That slowed it down. I feel the dog thought it was shouting off. Yeah. I can do this with one leg tied behind my back. Frank, dogs will tremble if you press pause.

Oh, that's absolutely... Oh, that's first class. Have they signed that? Well, I've just seen it's one of our regulars. It's 131 again. 131? He's on fire this morning. Is it a he or is it a she?

It's a he. How do you know that? Because he's one of my clients. He's one of my regulars. One of your clients? Oh, my God. This is a different show from what I thought I was joining. I'm glad they're all numbered, at least.

Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What was we talking about? Well, before we get back to that, we've had a text in which are like... What, an 8, 12, 15? This is from 437. Sometimes, Alan, just FYI, they don't give their names.

Gareth sometimes didn't read their names, so he'd just read the last three digits of their mobile out. Oh, I see. And now it's taken off. They love it. They like just being names. They like just being numbers. It's taken off, as I think Laika said in 1957.

Yeah, the dog was the most surprised out of anybody in the cockpit. Well, they gave them lots of simulations, I think, before they went on. I don't know if you remember simulations. 457? Yeah, the dog was the most surprised out of anybody in the cockpit. Well, they gave them lots of simulations, I think, before they went on. I don't know if you remember simulations. They're little chocolate biscuits. So 437 says VHS, an inadvertent acronym for very highly strong. They are. That's clever.

They are. And do you feel a bit embarrassed as the owner of the dog that's trembling when other people walk past you, so I want to go, it's just a thing they do, it's not the way I'm caring for them. I'd say, yes, I am the bloke that drew rhubarb and custard. That's why it's doing that. Anyone who got that, congratulations. And now back into the home. OK, so...

Frank, there's just a word of warning as well for Alan. 100, my husband had a dog bought for him on his seventh birthday. He named it Lucky and very soon after it ran off, never to be seen again. Absolutely, it was a high-risk naming strategy, I thought. Hold on, it wasn't a whippet, was it? It's turned up here like the return of Martin Goor and has even encouraged you to give it its original name

by a certain amount of somnibinal messages. I love a Martin Gurr reference on Absolute Radio. Thank you very much. Excellent work. I don't think I get the Martin Gurr reference. Oh, just Google it. OK. There are footnotes that come with this show.

Extensive footnotes. I hope so. That come on the Absolute Radio website. Let's notes or something. Frank, can I tell you one of my favourite things that happened this week? You can if it's clean. Well, it's sort of clean, if I don't reveal all about the story. It's to do with Alice Cooper.

I love it when girls say it's sort of clean. Frank! What? It's to do with Alice Cooper. That's one of my anecdotes. Go on. You've met Alice Cooper, I believe, haven't you? And then some. Oh, okay. Well, I'd like to, about anecdotes. Go on. You've met Alice Cooper, I believe, haven't you? I, um, I, and then some. Oh, okay. Well, I'd like to hear about this encounter.

But he's been talking about, he's been revealing all, as I believe they say, about his wild years. I thought all his years were wild. I didn't know he had specific years that were wild.

But apparently, during these wild years, um, on one occasion, he said he held a gun to Elvis Presley's head that's quite a story oh yeah I heard about that Elvis did it as a demonstration

didn't he of his karate skills he gave him a loaded gun and as soon as Alice picked it up he sort of drop kicked him across the room and said that's how you deal with a gun man fabulous an Elvis trap well Alice said he recognised it straight away it was a snub 32

well you would wouldn't you yeah snub 32 no that was snob 32 of the many snobs that elvis gave him over the years all of which he kept listed and blah blah my favorite elvis well actually my second favorite elvis photograph is him in full karate gear doing the pose but with shades on no my favourite one I should point out is Elvis Elvis managed to get a police badge oh the FBI badge oh I love that well he had several police local police badges and what he used to do is listen to police radio and if there's any any police work going on he used to go out and get involved and there's a picture of him in a full-length leather coat. It was at night, full-length leather coat,

a sort of a three-foot torch, shades, at the scene of an automobile accident. Cape, I hope, as well. No, he hadn't got the cape. But imagine being in a car crash and Elvis turns up with a big torch. Absolutely. It's like, have you seen that footage of this week when Boris Johnson was involved in policing a house?

They bashed through the door and arrested a guy and apparently the man arrested said a less polite version of, what are you doing here? Because Boris Johnson was just there. How rare. Just there. The folks getting arrested, handcuffs on him. They used him as the battering ram.

Yes, absolutely. Go on, I'm fine with it. Oh, God. But anyway, one of the other things Alice has revealed is he was talking about Keith Moon. He was quite a party of Keith Moon. Was he really? But apparently, well, this is what Alice says.

Don't take his word for it. But apparently, Alice said that even he used to get so terrified of just like the prospect of a week without sleep, he actually used to hide from him. Every time Keith Moon came to town, he'd hide at a secret location. Blimey. Yeah. He went how long without sleep?

He said seven days without sleep, Keith Moon would go without. That's surely impossible. Nah, you should have met me in the 90s darling it's funny because alice was the one with the bags under his eyes where did he hide somewhere black and white like a secret location crossing inside a large bat i'm guessing i like a hiding adult though yeah i mean well i think we've all done it from... I'm always doing it. Yeah. Like hide and seek. Often hiding, yeah. I did it last week.

Did you? Yeah. Who did you hide from? I hid in a utility room because I'm staying with my best friend. What, with the white goods? I was ironing my trousers and my friend's husband was outside the door and I only had my pants on. Oh, well. So I just thought, well, that...

So I just stood statue still and I heard him talking and I thought, I don't want him to know I'm in here. So I stood against the door, holding my breath. That's a different type of hiding. I'm on about when you're really trying to avoid someone. I was... I'm not very good at making friends. You get to an age where you think, I've probably got all the friends I need. Many of those need might be an exaggeration.

And a man who was actually the boss of a major high street clothing store that I don't think I can name, I met him. And I was getting free clothes, I'll be honest with you. And he started calling, you know, saying, why don't we hang out? And I didn't want to. I didn't think he'd bring out the best in me. I know, I wouldn't be able to resist saying stuff like, God, these trousers have seen better days.

You know what I mean? I'd be constantly dropping hints. And I stopped. I didn't answer the calls. And it went on for probably a month. A month of persistent... It's not worth it for a garment. No, you might as well just buy your own jeans

not something I've ever said, but there you go no, but I did, I genuinely hid I don't want to be one of those it's like the cake opportunists that used to come round my mum's house when she worked at the cake factory neighbours we never saw forever my mum got a job at the cake factory

and they'd come round and hang around for cake a bashed bit of Victoria's Fund factory or something. Yeah, exactly. But, oh, man, I hated that. Cake, cake, cake vultures, I call them. Actually, I didn't call them that. I'm calling them that retrospectively.

We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. You must have hidden from several people, surely. Oh, fire escapes. Yeah. All sorts, yeah. Why, some guess in mind, Lee.

How dare you? I love the idea. I'm leaving that hanging. So you feel bad about saying it. I thought you would have done exactly that. I just felt it kick in this second. Excellent, my work is done. Your life is sort of like a French farce or something where you're hiding in the utility room.

One door shut, people are walking. Exactly. No, I know, I'm quite bad at hiding though. I have had to hide on a number of occasions. No, I don't mean in the far escape way, just because I do that thing that often if I see someone, if you see someone and you don't really want to see them, I might hide behind.

I have hidden behind a statue once. Really? Yeah, an actual statue in the Victoria and Albert Museum. And who were you hiding from? Are you prepared to say? No, I'm really not prepared to say. OK. Obviously, I might just come out with it.

I hid from Alistair McGowan once. Right. Yeah. When I say hid, I mean he wanted me to take part in the, is it called the Fifth Runway or something? Oh, right. Was it called the Fifth Runway? Heathrow Airport. Yeah, environmental protest.

Yeah, he wanted me to protest about it. You had a flight to catch. Exactly. And I mean, he's a nice bloke and that, but also when I'm with him, I find myself you had a flight to catch exactly and I I mean he's a nice bloke but also when I'm with him I find myself I just want to say I'll go and do Gary Lineker

I just want to say do I used to sing around with Steve Coogan I did it with him all the time did Ronnie Corbett again I just can't resist and they don't like it the impression I was going to say he hasn't called you recently has he no but I

if you're listening I'm sorry about that impression it's really i was gonna say he hasn't called you recently has he no but i so yes i'm if you're listening i'm sorry about that but i didn't want to stand around at the airport with a flag absolutely not if i'm waving things at the airport i'll be bringing them in i'll be one of those blokes in the overalls yeah yeah why did you hide from allister mcgowan did you make a bad impression not my work it's our listeners? Actually, I'd like to know from our listeners if they've ever heard from anyone and why.

That'd be a good question. I fear now we'll get things like Ronnie Biggs will be texting. Oh, I'd love that. Would you? I don't know if he's got the strength.

If you've seen The Thumb, it's horribly crooked nowadays. Crooked, very aptly. What about this then for a... I was asked to do a tv show right yeah hard to believe i know but it happened and whenever that happens and i turn it down i'm always very keen to see what they've got to replace me you know there are certain people

you think of a bit the next phone call will be you know ricky gervais for example no i think i might have got the chronology wrong on that but anyway um he's one i'm like 74 anyway they asked me to be a critic as they call it on um pop star to opera star what yeah and so yeah based on both your pop and opera career well i have i have had the number one record and i've been to the opera, so that'll do it. And he's got a nice vibrato. Nice. Yes. I don't ride it much nowadays,

because my girlfriend thinks it's too dangerous on the road. But anyway, I turned it down, I'll be honest with you. The money was very good, can I say that? Was it, John? Reasonable. Reasonable? My manager says reasonable. Reasonable. Anyway, so I manager says reasonable. Reasonable.

Anyway, so I thought, well, who are they going to get? You know, it's going to be someone, you know, another comic, obviously. Yeah, absolutely. So I looked, it was Vanessa May. Oh, the violinist? Exactly. Thanks for helping people out. If you'd have said, do you know Vanessa

May, I could have said, no, but thanks for the tip. No, Vanessa May, the, yeah. Oh, fine. The Oriental violinist. Now, I mean, how many moves does it take? Frank Skinner won't do it.

Well, it's going to have to be Vanessa May then. I mean, me and her have sat in the waiting room for many auditions over the years. Of course. Me, her and Lucy Lou from Charlie's Angels, just sitting, staring at each other, you know, reading the script, looking up nervously. And often, I remember recently she

I got a call saying, Vanessa May's ill, could you play Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto at the Royal Festival Hall tonight? In a strapless taffeta gown. Yeah, and i said uh sorry i'm doing the one show so uh yeah but it was it was so and she did a gag get this she did the gag um midua was on you know me remember me yes i do i'm just still reeling from the show yeah midua and um i've got to say he wasn't great. He went out, he was the first

one to go out. He went out, was he not good? He wasn't great. Let's face it, Bob Geldof broke that man. Anyway, and he's very bald now, if I'd have him, I'd have kept the pointy sideburns as a sort of a signature facial hair, but no, it's all gone.

And he played the part of the duke from is it rigoletto john the the saucy duke i believe that's yeah anyway it was it and he did and and it went to Vanessa May and she said um well she said it was not so much duke more mama duke oh she made a horrible joke i thought didn't get any laughs at all. Is that a reference to the Great Dane? You know, the cartoon character Great Dane? Is that what she's saying?

I thought there was a Great Dane in opera there. I was thinking, what, Hamlet? Yeah, but, I mean, it got nothing. And I thought, at least she's trying. Yeah, yeah, have a go. Does it make it a gag if it didn't get a laugh? It's like a tree falling in the woods or something, isn't it? Yeah, exactly.

And did anyone hear it? I don't know, but I heard it, and I thought, well, that's it, you've had a go. You've thought, well, OK, they didn't get Frank Skinner, but anything you can do, I can do right now, right? And then there was the Marmaduke moment, but it was... And Simon Callow's on it. Right. Who I get embarrassed. When I read his name in the radio times i got embarrassed simon callow yeah what simon yes i know what you

mean but he's doing a thing at the moment in london called being shakespeare and i'm a big fan of shakespeare but i know if i go there i'll be so embarrassed i'll dislocate both my shoulders because it'll be all those things you don't want it to be all those things that kids at school and they say i'll tell you what shakespeare is it's blokes going you say no it isn't and then simon callow turns up at jamie's dream school and you say well actually sometimes it is obviously yeah and he was on basically doing stuff like oh well i think you didn't find the code what was that marmaduke anyway who wrote his cage no but i think he's because opera is obviously part partly about acting so overacting yes it's mainly about sceneryacting. Scenery chewing. So when they say we need someone to talk about overacting, have you got Simon's...

Yeah. Now, see, I couldn't have hid from him every week. No. It's very hard to hide from someone who you're on the same panel with. Absolutely. I find, generally speaking. Is Frank under the desk again? Yeah, he doesn't get on with Simon.

Oh, wow. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Wake Up Boo by the Boo Radleys. Yeah. Cheery, isn't it? Even for me, a grump. It lifts my spirits slightly. Well, it's actually dragged my spirits down to the very floor,

because the idea of halfway through the show playing a song that says, Wake up, makes me feel that I've spent the last hour just flogging a dead horse. Welcome the nine o'clockers. What's the point of flogging a dead horse when you think about it? The poor beast has demised. That's the way I look at it so I tell you what I read with great interest this week is that Katie Price as I think we're now encouraged to call her

yeah you know she's going out with legally obliged is that right? I doubt she'd sue on the strength of that she's got a super injunction out on Jordan. But she goes out with a guy called Leandro. Oh, yes, that's right, yeah.

Who's Argentine and who doesn't, I think, speaks little or no English. No, he doesn't speak English. And she's recommending it as a way forward for relationships. Not being able to actually verbally communicate with each other. Yeah. And one of her things says we don't argue because we don't know what each other's saying. And I think me and Kath would argue in semaphore

if we couldn't speak the same language. I can hear the violent swishing there as she got more and more enraged. The flags. But it's... I mean, I don't know how much... If life is basically sex and samba, I don't know how much commentary you need.

But can you imagine going out with someone where you can't speak the language at all? Yes, I can. She says... I think it was a commandment's not getting into that she said it's intuitive we don't need to say anything he'll be in the car and i'll think i bet he wants his glasses and then leandra is yeah a couple of near misses pedestrian you think oh i think he needs his class where's the clapping karen where's his glasses I'm imagining her assistant is called Karen, who's always with them.

They always are. Leandro says, via an interpreter, obviously. Oh, they've got an interpreter? I don't know if the interpreter... Well, they don't share the bed with them, presumably. I mean, they make their excuses and leave, like Mazia Mahmood. Google it. No, you don't want to share the bed.

You don't want to be the interpreter having to say, oh, that feels good oh oh baby oh sorry yes oh baby i mean that was oh no 1977 seduction yeah um well she could wear one of those earpieces like you know when people speak to the united nations like someone United Nations. Like someone at the Hague on trial. Exactly. Yeah. Listen to what Leandro says, Alan and Frank, please. Leandro says, I might do an accent anyway. Do the accent.

I think you're all right with the Argentines. They're not oppressed in any way. Yeah. The connection we have is so intense, sometimes I'll be sitting and moving my head from side to side and she'll know I'm looking for the remote control. I've been in France all week. I can't help her. But yeah, I like the idea of him sitting

and moving his head from side to side and she realised then that he's looking for the remote control. I mean, it's... It's extraordinary. I mean, how do they... Is it like he starts speaking Spanish, he's going, what's that, Leandro? Harvey trapped in a mine shaft?

Needs help immediately. Surely, men in the company of Jordan quite often are moving their head from side to side. Surely. Is she always just handing men remote controls? It's obvious, isn't it? Well, it's a good jump she doesn't go out with Stevie Wonder. They'd be changing channel like there was no tomorrow.

Oh, man. But, you know, Frankie... I'm still hot in there. Anyway, carry on. It would put an end to that. You know the female... I don't know if you've experienced this, Dad. I'm on the edge of my seat, what this next word's going to be.

It's not eunuch. You know the female. The female... Guess what it is I'm cross about. Oh, yeah. The great thing about them is he really would be trying to guess. He actually wouldn't know. So at least there's not that sort of additional layer

of emotional manipulation. He genuinely wouldn't know why she was upset. No, but don't you find... You must have been in a cafe or a pub or something and you look at a couple sitting at a table and they haven't spoken for, like, 20 minutes. I'm wondering about people who are obviously both speak the same language. I mean, what is that about?

Yeah. I say, what is that about? In a rhetorical way? Yeah. Or does it require a response? No, I just think, why stay together if you don't speak anymore? What is the... I sometimes wonder if maybe they've splashed out on a very expensive seesaw

and can't cope with having to be single. We've had a couple of texts in on 8.12.15. Good. We were talking about hiding. We've had a text in from Naeem. I think the name is. I'm not very good at pronouncing it. You think the Naeem is?

Naeim as in Naim from the halfway line? No, that's N-A-I-M, I believe, from the halfway line. This is N-A-E-M. Name. I once did a job putting olives on pizzas. Not me, but this is Naim. It was so boring and full of weird,

scary people that I left without saying. When they called to ask where I was, I pretended to be my own dad and told them I'd died. I was very young. With hindsight, I could have just given my notice in. Wouldn't have been as good, would it? You do live and learn, though, don't you? Or die and learn.

We've also had a nice Alan's first proper text. I'm calling it. 437. Really pleased to hear Alan on the show. I know this sounds odd, but why am I imagining him sitting there in a World War II aviation goggles and a flying helmet? I wonder. I do wonder. Perhaps I just have that natural...

Have I got a natural timbre? Timbre that sounds a bit military. And old. Is that a reference to anything we should get? Is that your publicity shot? I don't think so, no. Which war was it? World War II.

WWII. Oh, sorry, for a second. For me there, you're in a sock with camel, but no, I was a bit early. I went before my horse to market. I don't know, is it a reference to Liesel again? Another Nazi thing? Lay off that.

Liesel doesn't like it. She's getting on. Liesel doesn't like it.'s getting up and he doesn't like it i was happy we found the music nazi's a step too far i always thought nazism was a step too far it was a goose step too far in fact she made her feelings plain in the break now someone has texted in saying maybe it's because it's his pilot episode very good very good that's nice i like that that's excellent just fyi there's a lot of people who like puns on the show. FYI?

Yeah. And acronyms. Yeah. Acronyms and puns. That's this show. Oh, well, I think it's about time Alan led a news story. What have you read in the papers this week? I saw that thing about the cricketer.

I didn't think you'd have one. Yeah, yeah. No, that's just his way of trying to trick you. Oh, is it? He's testing cricketer, Matt Pryor. I didn't think you'd have one. No, that's just his way of trying to trick you. He's testing you. Oh yeah, Matt Pryor and the cricket player. And I'm not a cricket fan, which I will tell you why. Well, if you were, you wouldn't have said the cricket player. Oh right, the cricketer, yeah.

The cricket player's a monthly, isn't it? Yeah, he broke a window in a fit of peak, one suspects. Well, he's it? Yeah, he broke a window in a fit of pique, one suspects. Well, he's not saying that, though. No, but the papers are on. What does he say, then? He says...

He says... As he's doing a Tory MP, I slipped over. He said he lent the bat against the frame of the window and it slipped onto the glass and shattered it. Oh, I don't believe that. He uses a very heavy bat, Magpire. Yeah. Shortly after having been out, wasn't it?

It was, but I mean, he got a good score. He got 100 and odd, so I doubt he was that angry. Wasn't that the day before? I don't really know. I don't follow cricket. Well, he got some of it the day before. They let you come back if you're not out. Right, yeah.

It was good for headline writers because they could do stuff like, what a pain, and all that sort of, he's smashing and all that stuff. Oh, I see, yeah. I have to say, I didn't get that straight off. Pain, P-A-N-E. You know puns are bad when you have to spell them.

It's one of the rules of punning, isn't it? Well, I picked up the papers this morning. I heard on the radio that Bruce Forsyth had been knighted. And I thought, it's got to be. It's got to be. It's just got to be. Nice to see you. And sure enough, there it was on the front of, I think, the Mirror or the Sun or something like that.

There must be. Maybe that would be a good text in, actually. What should have been the headline for Bruce getting the knighthood? Yeah. I like it. Not too much about death, if you can explain yourself. You know, come on, it's his special day. I do find it very funny

on Strictly when he says, you're my favourite. I just love that level of insincerity. I love the jacket he's wearing. To announce his nighthood. On this morning's news. level of insincerity that he does i just think i love the jacket he's wearing on the thing yeah it was to announce his knighthood on this morning's news yeah it was how would you describe it frank it was sort of suede i would say it's slightly broke back mountain it is it's got that

kind of i've been out on the plains for a couple of days feel to it suede uh casual casual suede worn with a silk cravat it might silk cravat, yeah, nice. It's one of the biggest cravats I've ever seen and worn outside the shirt. I'm thinking it might have been his breakfast, maybe he's forgotten to take off. It had Saturday on it. It's the epitome of smart casual, isn't it? It is really. His attitude

towards the knighthood seems to be relief in a sense, I would say, rather than gratitude. I have to be honest, those are my views and i've made them plain yeah i don't think i don't think a silk if you're very old i don't think a silk cravat's a good idea the contrast of the smoothness of the silk and the human it didn't look it looked like a lizard coming out of a napkin at a very nice hotel so So anyway, Matt Pryor, speaking of things that have happened to Matt Pryor, he played in the, there was a big challenge game

sponsored by this billionaire bloke called Sir Alan Stanford, and he paid for this thing. And there was a moment when the England players were out on the pitch, and they have the big screen with the stuff, and on the big screen, Sir Alan Stanford has arrived, he's in the stand, obviously it's his tournament, so he's the man, and they look up and Matt Pryor's wife is sitting on his lap.

That's right. There's a terrible shot of Matt Pryor looking truly hurt and concerned. Awkward. When it's a billionaire's lap, it's hard to say no, isn't it? Tell me about it. No, I spent the whole second half at Stamford Bridge sitting on Roman Abramovich's lap.

Yeah, we talked about Laika. We talked about the whole Soviet space programme. I've occasionally touched the small of the back of Oleg Deripaska. I don't know how to say his name. I always saw him in Manchester, though. I don't know who that is.

He's a Russian oligarch. Very wealthy. Oh. Very, very wealthy. What is an oligarch, exactly? He's a Russian oligarch. Very wealthy. Yeah, but what is an oligarch?

Google. Google it. Google it. The rule in my life, the rule is, if you don't know Google, if you don't remember, don't Google. Right. So I never knew what an oligarch was, so I'm all right with that. But I was woken up at 3 o'clock this morning. This was all to do with a news story I read.

Trying to remember the name of the character that Richard Bradford played in Man in a Suitcase. I could remember the theme tune, I could remember a couple of plot lines of the episodes. I knew it was one syllable and began with K. That's all I could remember. Anyway, when I woke up, sure enough, it was McGill. But I didn't look it up.

I knew it was in there. If you keep digging deep, then I think as you get into old age, you'll find that your life is nimble like a young gazelle going across a hedgerow indeed all of which has nothing to do with matt bryer we'll come we'll come back to matt because i'm fascinated by that by the topic frank on radio frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio see i wouldn't have added that last bit. If I'd been the producer, I'd have called one of them over, one of the arctic monkeys over, and I'd have said,

I think it's better to come out just after the vote, and not have that... And he'd have gone... Get out, get in. Why are they white as well? Why are they white? Get down off the tyre. Oh, you white as well? Why are they white? I don't get it. Get down off the tyre.

Oh, you're Arctic. I'm trying to make a record. White war tyres there for Arctic. Swinging tyres. Is this how you normally run your radio show? Giving improvement tips on the records that you've just played? I wouldn't say I ran it exactly. It's like me rolling a large boulder down a hill

and sometimes I overtake it and sometimes it overtakes me. Wearing a hoodie. I've never heard a radio host go, I wouldn't have done that like that at the end. Frank does it a lot. Yeah, I think they're not interactive enough, the modern CD. Anyway, it's our radio show now. Oh, OK, yeah, yeah, I'm here. I'm in the game.

We were talking about... I felt a bit sorry for Matt Pryor because it said that the glass that went through... off the window went... and it cut a female student's leg sitting below. But I mean... And he apologised. But it was a... I mean, it was a minor abrasion at best.

The bigger bruise was on his ego and dignity. Yeah, exactly. See, I'm surprised... He's not a cricket fan, but there's something... at best. The bigger bruise was on his ego and dignity. Yeah, exactly. See, I'm surprised, you're not a cricket fan, but there's something, I can imagine you being a bit of a cricketer. You've got the blonde hair, Nordic vibe going on, nice and tall. Well, the Nordics, they're not into it. I was thinking about why I'm not into cricket, and I think it's because I moved from Scotland to England,

and cricket seemed so English, and I felt very Scottish. How long did you live in Scotland? England and cricket seemed so English and I felt very Scottish and the only chance I really How long did you live in Scotland? Till I was seven and then we moved to Somerset and then Yorkshire And then they changed your name to Locker, is that right? That's right, yeah Till then I'd been Lacey

Well you would be in Scotland My mum wanted me to come back Especially around the cuffs Wasn't it Victorian era? But when they wear the Four Highland dress, don't they have the lacy... Yeah, if I remember rightly, I don't know. Well, anyway, I was in the English

school playground wearing lacy cuffs and collars and a sporran and just felt like cricket wasn't for me. And I did once go training to play cricket and I did a really good catch and then I was asked to play on the weekend. On the strength of one catch? It did a really good catch and then I was asked to play on the weekend. On the strength of one catch?

It was a really good catch. Oh, excellent. It was pure fluke. And then I was asked, oh, we're short on players, we really need you, and have you got full whites? And I said, no, I haven't got the clothes. And so I told my mum and we begged and borrowed like an approximation of whites.

Oh, hang on, I'm just settling down. Talk me through the outfit. Oh, it was awful. I can't even remember the details, but if you can think of something that's vaguely resembling white but none of it properly white, so like cream and hot white. You're all right with cream, though. Canary yellow.

Canary yellow, no. Blue. That's a step too far. We really worked to get the right clobber. I think you pioneered 2020 cricket. Absolutely. From that day on. It was Alan Stanford was watching, I don't know why.

My mum was on his lap. But I turned up to play, and having gone through all that trouble of getting the kit and then wasn't used, they went, oh, yeah, we've got enough, you can just watch. And so I had to watch the whole game and didn't get a game, which I think put me off. Because that never happened at at football he never really turned up and got forced to watch actually that happened at football as well yeah stories of sporting trauma kicking in now i find

i find the wrong kit quite poignant though because that is a horrible thing was it the alan silito novel no because i often had the wrong kit as well that surprises me i know but the thing is because i went to quite a posh girl's school alan me too really no i imagine you in a jean paul gaultier gym kit with a big pointy cape uh no but my parents are very how can i put this i mean they didn't have a great deal of money. What money they did have, they spent on black cabs and sort of theatre tickets, really. They're arts and crafts.

So they didn't really buy things like sports kits for me. So I never had the right outfits. I mean, my tennis racket, everyone had those Prince kind of graphite rackets. And I had one of those ones that George VI uses to play tennis wooden rackets yes i had a wooden one john mackinrow is in favor of the return to the wooden racket oh really yeah

he's in favor of it i'm in favor of the return to when you bounce it off the walls you know that real tennis like any of the earth used to play much better i'll written one good shot you could you could blind cliff richard and and put one just inside the baseline at the far end. Which is what you want from a tennis game. Exactly, that's my dream shot. The dream ricochet. I think that could be a whole new career for him with the eye patch. Yeah.

Make him look a bit more, you know, a bit more sinister. Him and Gabrielle, the dream team. Exactly. As long as you've got the left-eyed one and the right-eyed the other, they could stand with their heads together like Beetlejuice Brock. You've created a pop star. Yes. Frank, were you, I'm imagining, don't take this the wrong way,

but I'm imagining you were a black plimsoll person rather than a white training shoe. I used to go for an Empire Maid pomp, which was, they were those pomps that had the elasticated gosset at the front. Yes, I knew you'd have those. They had a little rubber thing on the bottom that said Empire Made, which always made me feel rather proud. Nice, nice.

Of course, what it meant looking back was sweatshop, but what I thought it meant was that it was made in the Raj, you know, just before high tiffin'. Hindsight. Yeah, so my sporting traumas have come not so much from my kit as my inability to play sport. Even in my celebrity status, I went to Africa. I was in Ghana playing football for Comic Relief.

And I'm rubbish. I love, love, love football, but I can't play. Never could. And they were very excited that all these British celebrities, all these, you know, African people who got nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing. Terrible poverty, as we all know. celebrities, all these African people who got nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, terrible poverty as we all know. And I went over to get this ball and I completely

spliced it into the crowd and hit an African bloke quite hard in the face with it. And I remember the crowd the audience just went, oh. And it was like, oh no, he's come all this way and he's rubbish. I felt... Oh, man.

I just wanted to apologise to each of them individually, but I hadn't got time, to be honest. We had a photo shoot today. You know, it's comic relief. You've got to get your priorities right. We only have this except... This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, 394, it's 90 to see you to see you nighty.

I like it. In case you're wondering what that is, I'm not wearing a nighty, that's not someone on the... Do people still wear nighties? Does that name still exist? I prefer a negligee. Yeah, I don't like nighties. We were on about what the headline should be for Bruce Forsyth getting nightied. It was obviously nice to sir you, but I like knight to see you knighted.

How do you? Yeah, it's good. We had another text in. Oh, God, we've had seven, I think, today. Yeah, there's another Alan. Have you seen that Alan? No, where's the other Alan? I think I knew there was another Alan.

Well, yes, I know. He says, great show. First time I've listened since Chris Evans was on air. Just putting that out there. Oh, he means Virgin Radio. Yes, I see what you're saying. We never mention that, have we? No, I know, I know.

Was just flicking through the channels and heard Frank Skinner, what a legend. There you go. Ledge. I've got a very old... Ledge. I've got a very old... Or as Matt Pryor would say, window ledge.

Stop making me say I've got a very old repeatedly. No, sorry. I've got a very old... Or as Matt Pryor would say, window ledge. Stop making me say I've got a very old, repeatedly. No, sorry. I've got a very old autobiography of Frank's. Oh, yeah. With pages 70 to 95 missing. Found it on a train. Any chance you can send me a new one signed? He then has his address.

Many thanks. Alan Rogers, a.k.a. Cockney Owl. Well, that's where I cover my drinking day. So those pages are deliberately removed because I don't remember. 70 to 95, if you give it 15. Can you give us a small pricey? What happened? I'll tell you what, I'll send you those pages.

Let's not go crazy. You can just slot them in. As it happens, I have a diary for this year that I bought cheap at a market stall. What, last week? No, it was last year. But I've just found out that there's a whole page missing. So I haven't got the 1st to the 9th of December, which tells you how late up I'm booking my gigs for this year.

So you haven't got the 1st to the 9th of December this year? No. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll just not work. Is it in lever arch form? No, it's a small paper, bendy one. Have you considered cryogenics? You could be frozen in suspended animation for those nine days.

I don't think it's a terrible omen, do you? No, well, I hope not. I'm going to just sleep for seven days or actually die and come back to life on the ninth one. Oh, no. It is the proof to the dictum that you buy cheap, you buy twice. Because last year I bought an expensive diary and was reeling from it and this year got a cheap one and now I'm going to have to buy another one

just for that week of December. Is there any chance of you taking it back and saying, excuse me, I suppose you've filled quite a billion, have you? Yeah. With private thoughts. Well, it's June, isn't it? But are they private thoughts or just bookings? It's an appointment thing.

Bookings? I don't think I can take it. Bookings? What sort of work do you think he does? Well, you know, he does bookings. That's what you'd call it, isn't it? Is that what you'd call it? I suppose I could write notes saying I didn't enjoy that gig

and other things with less polite language. Yeah. I think that's it. I keep a journal every day. Do you? Oh, yeah. I mean, quite Yeah. I think that's it. I keep a journal every day. Do you? Oh, yeah. I mean, quite detailed. You'll be in it today.

You'll be on today's page. That's exciting. Yeah. UN, isn't it? Yes. UN. What, they read it? The UN read it?

The UN, they keep it. Right. They keep it in it. They translate it into several languages, don't they? Put it in people's headphones. Exactly. Yeah, well, it's read out every day at midnight in Geneva. Frank, do you know what I've been wanting to talk about all morning

and I don't feel you've let me. Well, it's not that you haven't let me, but you haven't raised it and I'm afraid I'm going to. I still haven't talked to you about Wayne Rooney's hair transplant. Well, I... Everyone, someone gasped in the room when I said it. Well, I know it's a very touchy subject for us all. I'll say.

Well, he's open about it. He's very open about it. That's a good idea, I think. Well, do you think so? I think, surely the point of getting hair put on your head is that when you're a bit older, people go you're really looking well. You've not lost any of your hair.

But to publicly do it means no one's ever going to do that to it nobody's going to go your hair looks really good yeah but if you think you've got a very small window as matt pry would say when when you can have the transplant and no one will notice well exactly you know you've got to let yourself you've got to look in the room and think i'm bald i need a transplant you've got to look i've got've got to look at them and think, I'm bald, I need a transplant. You've got to look at, I've got hair, maybe now is the time to get a transplant, and then as this falls out, no-one will spot it. Also, if you're going to have a transplant, don't go for a child's drawing of a hill.

I often find that's not a good idea, which is what his looks like. Does it look like a child's drawing of a hill? Yes, it's awful, and it's purple. I think it's purple. It looks purple, I think that's the scab. It's got, got like big stitches round It's a bit Nightmare

Before Christmas Wayne Rooney's transplant They set off the bolts in his neck while those stitches That's very unkind about one of our

great sporting heroes It's fantastic and it's those same genes that made him such a developed teenager that is now making him a bald

25 year old When he first broke into the team, remember when Gary Neville did an interview and described him as a beast when he was a teenager and he said oh we play him in training and he's a beast and that was amazing for a teenager to be called a beast

by adult England players I just thought that was astonishing but it was that extremely quick development as a teenager that means that he's now looking slightly older as a 25-year-old. Don't fight it. Go with it. Go with it, Wayne. No, it's...

Embrace it. I mean, you know, I love Wayne Rooney in many ways. In other ways, I despise him. Really? He's got lovely eyes. He's got lovely eyes. But he's actually... See, Bruce Forsyth did exactly the same thing. One week he's on the Generation Game

Ball, next week he's got a forehead of hair Never mentioned, never referred to Of course, and we haven't even discussed it I'd forgotten all about Bruce's That's the idea, that after a time People don't even It's proof in a way that footballers have become More distant from the common man

That he's spent 10, there's different reports 10 or 30 grand he's spent on the hair transplant I like the days of the comb over Well do you ten, there's different reports, ten or thirty grand he spent on the hair transplant. I like the days of the comb over. Well, do you know, I was watching a clip this week of the Berlin Wall coming down, which you'd imagine is a very romantic and moving moment. I've never seen so many mollets in my life. I've never seen, and do you know,

it completely spoilt it for me. I thought I wish it had stayed up there. And doesn't then David Hasselhoff come on and sing us all? I think he waited a bit. I mean, he gave it a sort of a, he gave it a month or two. Oh, really? I thought I'd have had the same day. Otherwise I'd have been busily rebuilding.

Anyway, now it's time to go over to our London studio for Sandy Waugh with The Travel. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That's Real Wild Child by Iggy Pop and Iggy Pop is one of the performers of the Isle of Wight Festival which we're covering on Absolute Radio all this weekend.

Rock on! There you go, now I've done it. Are you satisfied? Frank, we've had some texts in, Bruce Forsyth and potential headlines, punning headlines for this nighthood. Higher than an OBE, you say? That's from Duncan in Southampton.

It's quite a long headline, that. Higher than an OBE, you say? I don't get it. It's play your cards right, darling. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, good. Higher than an eight. Lower than an eight.

They were your wilderness years. We've also got play your cards night. Cheers, Dave Baines. Excellent. Nice. Doing well. We've also got Play Your Cards Night. Cheers, Dave Baines. Excellent. Nice. Doing well. We've had another text that I think should be read with quite an upper-class accent. Frank, sorry, missed the beginning of the show.

Who is this chap? Gareth's replacement. Well, he's answered his own question. Yeah, exactly. Hello. Something I ask myself most mornings. I'm Alan Cochran, Gareth's replacement. Hello.

It's nice to be called a chap. Makes me feel quite genteel. Yeah, perhaps I should have continually plugged you throughout. Maybe. As it were. I don't mean like in a Sam Peckinpah film. I mean mention your name because it's going to take a while to get... Yeah.

You know sometimes you go and see some old mates and you bring a new mate, or maybe you've met at work or something. They're all a bit... Difficult. Who's this? Who's this bloke? So we should really do, like,

previously on the show, I was saying, hello, I'm Alan, and, yeah, that's me, isn't it? I have a whippet. I told people... Oh, yeah? ...that I have a whippet.

That's exciting news. Yeah, but see, we don't want all the information in one lump. Oh, OK. Yeah, we know your name. We know you've got a whippet. That's exciting news. We don't want all the information in one lump. We know your name. We know you've got a whippet. We know you come from Scotland. You don't play sport much. I do play sport but I just wasn't very good at cricket.

Don't change your tune. We've only just established where you are. It's like trying to grasp smoke. I say smoke. So what's the whippet then? The whippet is called Lucky, yeah. We've got the new... And you're going to have it trained? We've got a dog trainer coming round on Monday.

Coming to your house? Yeah, of course. You don't have to take it to the... Oh, the mountain is coming to my house. Exactly that, exactly that. I think they perhaps know that if we have to get the dog into the car and bring the... It might not be on its best behaviour.

Well, I mean, with a whippet, you could just have the hand out the window holding the lead. Yes, yes, they are that fast. Up the hard shoulder. They are that fast. So what are you hoping this guy to teach you? I'd like him to teach us how to get her to come back when we let her off the leash, that sort of thing.

That'd be good. How do you get her back at the moment? Knockout darts? I just... You should try the meat on the string, you know, the falconer. Oh, yeah. That's the thing. Get a big leather glove and just put the whippet on it.

I got really confused with my pet ownership. Fabulously trembling, like a vibrating watch on your wrist. I don't know what we want from it. I think basically, how to get some obedience. Is it wild, then? No, but just... I mean, she seems quite nice while she's been disobedient. Seems quite nice? You've had her eight months.

No, we haven't. We've had her a couple of weeks. She was with the breeders until then. Oh, well, hold on. So when you said you'd changed the name... Yeah. That was their name. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, now, it's almost taken me two hours to get there,

but it's all fine. You didn't like their taste, basically? Well, kind of, yeah. But Lucky seems more like a doggy name, doesn't he? Columbo had a dog called Dog, didn't he? Did he? Yeah, I like that. He also had one eye.

Are you going to do that? Actually, did he have one eye? Peter Falk had one eye. Yes. In Columbo, as I've established before, the glass side played the part of a real eye. Colombo watched a lot of tennis played in the way you like. Yes.

Anyway, Not The Weekend podcast will be downloadable on Wednesday. Tuesday night, strictly speaking. But we say Wednesday to cover up any errors. Next, I'm reading this from a script I've been handed by Liesl. It says, I am 16 coming on 7th. Next you can hear all of the live coverage. Now it actually says the Isle of

Right Festival. Is that rock and roll football's new It's a very right wing. The Isle of Righty. No, it's WR. I'd like that. I'd be a very positive beat place. Next you can hear all of the live coverage all through the weekend from the Isle of

Right. Next it's Vicky Blight. What, Vicky Blight from the Isle of Right? It's the most fabulous. There isn't enough poetry on this show. I'm always saying that. Alan, I think we've bloodied you now. Thank you. And I imagine you're going to blossom like a beautiful flower. I feel bloodied, yes. Yeah, good And I imagine you're going to blossom like a beautiful flower.

I feel bloodied, yes. Yeah, good. Well, we all do. That's right. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.