The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Not the Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: September 14, 2011

Frank scores high on the wimp factor, Emily reveals that she is often mistaken for a shop assistant and Alun confirms that he would make a terrible royal butler.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, you know, at the Bullring Shopping Centre, there's a smile on every face and the moment that you enter, you find it's a friendly place.

There's a bit of a, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, famous outdoor market. Come by bus or come by car. There's a place where you can park it. If only Morton Harkett had been in the news. Oh, yeah. But it's before his time. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

There probably isn't a place where you can park the car now. It's probably overwhelmed. Well, someone will probably mind your car, but that's another story. Yeah, you can park your car, but it will be upside down and on fire when you come out the market. But it costs you as well. Do you remember people never paid for parking? I wish they had the theme tune to The Last of the Summer Wine

on my bank of jingles, but I don't. You could park anywhere, too. You used to drive to King's Road and leave your car there. My mate's dad used to park on some waste ground at the back of Dewsbury swimming baths. I didn't know anyone who had a car, I'll be honest with you. Frank, when he first came to London, this is honestly true, isn't it, Frank?

He didn't know that you could actually drive into London. I thought it was pedestrianised. So he parked at... I parked in Collindale. Collindale, because it was like the end of the tube line. Can we start the podcast soon? People don't want to hear about our parking reminiscences. We have pressed record, haven't we?

Unfortunately, we have. I was quite enjoying that. Let's take a breath. Hello, and welcome to the Not The Midweek podcast. I'm Frank Skinner. I am with Alan Cochran. It's a bit tardy this morning, the Cochran. Still half asleep. And I'm with Emily Dean.

That's not my name Oh my, that doesn't work Well Emily Dear Nearly I need to get a proper theme tune We don't have a jingle for you That would be a great thing if people

could send in what would be the right jingle for it It's like that. She's called Emily Dean. See, I thought about the Dean and I by you know. Them. What were they called? The ones who did

Robber Bull... Come on! Godley and Cream and Godley. What was the name of the band? 10cc. 10cc, thank you. Sorry, my God. Oh, there's actually a fine trail of blood coming out of each of my ears. Is that right?

We never thought we'd look back on the parking conversation fondly so soon. No, no, it's turned out to be the jewel in the crown of this podcast. Yeah, it was all right. To me, it was downhill after the parking conversation. Back at Dewsbury Bath podcast. Yeah, it was alright. To me it was downhill after the parking conversation. Back at Dewsbury Baths. I think they'll like the Colindale touch personally. So Frank. So

I had... You've had a few spots of bother this week. Well I had a strange experience. I was reading emails from my smartphone as I walked along the south bank of the Thames. Right. And as I read the emails, and I was still perambulatory, I was moving.

And there's a lot of discarded chewing gum stains on the pavement there. Oh, yeah. And they're formed, if you can imagine a sort of a monochrome damien hirst dots type pattern along the pavement so as i read the emails in my uh neovision um behind me was these moving trail of dots and i got i got a bit bilious oh did you yeah were the dots strobing a bit because they were as i, yeah, because I wasn't focused on them, so they were taking in a magic eye background thing. And I actually got a bit dizzy.

Oh. You got lightheaded. I had to stop and just compose myself. I mean, can you believe it? How wimpy have I become? Yeah. I love that. And then I did that thing.

I was in my flat. I was going upstairs in my flat. Yes, I love that. And then, I did that thing, I was, I was in my flat, I was going upstairs in my flat, yes, I've got stairs in my flat, I've got international representation, get over it.

And, as I, as I came down the stairs, it's cold up those stairs. Do you ever do that thing when you, you slightly, no,

it's not a maisonette, it's a penthouse. Yes, it's a penthouse. Yeah, but the top area, there's only one room up there, really,

Frank. Lovely. It's very cold up there. Yes. it's a penthouse. Yeah, but the top area, there's only one room up there, really, Frank. Lovely. It's very cold up there. Yes. At least you've been to my house. Can I say I've never been to yours? No. What about that?

I've only been in there six months. I'm imagining that Emily's got a sort of a Miss Havisham thing going on at her place. You know, terrible. Imagine away, you're never coming round after that comment. I know, wedding cake covered in spiders. So anyway, I was going up the stairs. Do you ever get this? You're probably going to say, no, it made me feel worse. When you're going either up or down stairs

and you just slightly lose your rhythm on the stairs. Whoa, I had one of those terrible moments. I nearly fell down the, dare I say it, the goddamn stairs at my own house. Imagine if I'd been found at the bottom like Laura Ashley. Yes, I can imagine. Yeah, what would they have said? What would the headline have been in the papers, do you think? Well, it's...

I have no anticipation. This is a horrible story. In my younger days, I was having a liaison with a lady. And having visited her, I was about to leave and she sort of twisted at the top of her stairs and in front of me fell backwards down them. And at the bottom of the stairs, just sort of stayed there in a kind of a... Like, it wasn't that much of a leap of imagination

to draw a white line around the ship. Oh, blimey. She was fine, she was fine, thankfully. But for a split second I thought, if she has now broken her neck... It wouldn't have looked good. It would not have looked good. It would have looked bad.

Like, downright bad. And did you think, I'd better phone an ambulance, or did you think, if she's dead, I'm out of here? Yeah, I am dusting the whole place. Well, you'd have left her there. Get me a jaycloth and some bleach. I'm going round here and then I'm going. No, I never thought that far.

I'd just like to say... You sure you did. I bet you were already thinking, what have I got in the boot? Yeah. How much room have I got in the boot? Yeah, start running through. Did anybody see me come in here? Well, that's I got in the boot? Yeah. How much room have I got in the boot? Yeah, start running through. Did anybody see me come in here? Well, that's that, isn't it?

It was really scary. It is a great story. Just falling down the stairs is scary. Not that long ago, I slipped on my foot and stumbled down, like, two or three steps in a hotel. Oh, it's horrible, that. Quite a wide open... Were there people watching?

I felt like the reception staff had seen me and by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, the adrenaline oh, it was coursing through my system. But I think as you know, I have barely any. No, I know. But the stairs I think are seen are generally as dangerous amongst the middle aged. Yeah. But I mean

a chewing gum pavement, you wouldn't normally think... You'd think you'd be safe. But it really made me genuinely dizzy. And you're only walking and reading an email. Just imagine if you'd been jogging and faxing. Oh, well, I mean, a chewing gum pavement, you wouldn't normally think... You'd think you'd be safe. But it really made me genuinely... And you were only walking and reading an email. Just imagine if you'd been jogging and faxing. I mean, that's why I got rid of that leopard-skin treadmill. I think that would have pushed me out of the air. Pete Stringfellow's got it now.

He has, yeah. So I have. He stripped it right down to one thin strip right down the middle there. It's more tightrope walking than jogging, he does, hasn't it? Oh, that'd be... Funny moment, though, isn't it? Feeling wimpy. I once leapt out of bed to...

Well, I've told you this already. I leapt out of bed to greet a day and the corner of a duvet poked me in the eye. And I was staggering around the house. Did you sort of glide out rather than go upright? I sort of flicked oh I see jumping out of bed

I was so happy to greet a morning I can't remember why but it got me right and it was pouring with water and I remember thinking I'm going to end up with a black eye here thankfully I didn't because it would have been awful telling people no no no I'm not into boxing or kickboxing I did it to end up with a black eye here. Thankfully I didn't, because it would have been awful telling people, no, no, no, I'm not into boxing or kickboxing.

I did it on the corner of a duvet. I can't tell you how many times I've lay in bed pouring with water. I mean, that's why I stopped drinking in the end. So you were hoisted by your own petard, didn't you? I mean, it was your swishing of the duvet that did it. Yeah, I've stopped greeting a day with such jubilation. Yeah, Gabrielle switched to a sleeping bag after her accident. She wasn't going to risk that again, apparently. I once saw a man in the streets of Brighton,

which is ostentatiously trendy, isn't it, Brighton? And a man in the lanes walked towards me wearing an eye patch and for a split second I thought are they trendy here or has he got a damaged eye? No it's a bit of a village people vibe going on there I think. I think it may have been a damaged eye but the jury's still

out I suppose. If it is a fashion thing you'd have to alternate eyes wouldn't you? Just for the good of long term Well I don't know. With an eye patch, my way has always been pick your eye and stick with it. Really?

Yeah. And I've been known to wear a bejeweled eye patch. Not on long drives, presumably. No. No, but certainly on the rifle range. I wouldn't think twice about it. That would work, wouldn't it? I sometimes find when I'm changing sheets...

Mm-hm. Not cleaning windows. When I'm changing sheets... When I'm changing sheets would have been a great draft. It was the first draft, wasn't it? Yeah. Oh, it don't quite scan, does it, Dave? Oh, no, I'm happy with it, George.

Well, on a sheet, it ends too flat. Sheet, What about something... And the rhymes would have been an issue as well. But when I'm changing sheets, I do find, I find it very exhausting and quite upsetting because it's so tiring. I have to have a little sit down in between each element. So once I've done...

I always save the pillows to last because I just think if you do that first that's kind of instant gratification do you plump? oh I plump massively but I leave the pillows last if you put them on first you've got to get the nasty jobs out the way with the worst job is duvet cover

and I've upgraded to a super king size now oh my goodness I didn't know there was a super king size you must have a massive overlap but then I've often thought that now. Oh my goodness. I didn't know there was a Super King size. It must have a massive overlap. But then I've often thought that. Um, I, um, I, I find that my duvet

after about two days on, it huddles into one end of the cover. Yes, it does do that. You've got a huddler. Yeah, so I end up just sleeping under linen. Yeah. Basically.

And all under the biggest lump. Yeah. Have you got a system for the duvet on? Do you turn it inside out? She's called Gosha. She's my Polish cleaner. Inside out is good. But always save those pillows to last. Always.

But it's tiring. It can take a long time. Sometimes I like to do it myself. Cleaners shouldn't pillows to last. Always. But it's tiring. It can take a long time. Sometimes I like to do it myself. The cleaner shouldn't have to do it all the time. It's at least five or six minutes of physical activity. As my dad used to say to my mother, I don't keep dogs to bark myself. She took it surprisingly well.

Have we heard from the outside world? We have. We've had an email in, Frank, and this is from Emma. We've been talking about beds, and this is actually a bedtime-related email. Oh, I love it when we theme. Love a theme. Hi, Frank, just had a brainwave that will solve your bedtime reading disputes. Why don't you learn braille?

Well, I should point out before we move on that I like to read in bed for ages and my girlfriend reads for about 43 seconds and then she moans about the fact I've got the reading light and she keeps her awake that's a bit of a new reader start here moment what does Emma suggest? Emma's suggesting you learn braille then you can read all you like without disturbing anyone's sleep

love the show, love Emma it's a great idea unfortunately I sleep in 10 rubber counting thimbles without disturbing anyone's sleep. Love the show. Love, Emma. It's a great idea. Unfortunately, I sleep in ten rubber counting thimbles like you get in post offices. So I don't... So I can go up the wall like a cat in the middle of the night to the toilet. You can't drop off, can you?

I just have those things when you're out, if you touch the carpet. Do you ever do that round the bedroom? You to step like from the bedside table to the bed and then and then get then you have to hold on to the sort of curtain rail and slide across do you ever do that no okay yeah no it's i always imagine um that that braille is is sort of... How can I put this? You don't get everything with Braille, because it would be a big job putting all the little... So I wonder if they simplify it.

So say if you were reading Wordsworth's Lucy poems, and the poem is, She dwelt among the untrodden ways Beside the springs of Dover Made him there was none to praise And very few to love. In Braille, it would say, there was this girl. And that's what I think.

I mean, I watched subtitles on films once, sometimes, and I think that's a very short subtitle for all that talking. And I think it's... I think brain is a sort of a subtitle, isn't it? I'm not sure it's the same people in charge, though. No? The subtitle and the telly and the Braille. Yeah.

If it is, then there's been a mistake, administration-wise. And also, when I get very tired, I'm liable to accidentally read some sections of my own chest. Yeah, that's the bigger problem. Yeah. But I think someone has suggested it in the past. I mean, at the moment, I just read and argue, read and argue. I mean, we've arrived at that thing.

But I am still looking for the... Can you not just stay up and go to bed a bit later? Well, I have thought about doing that. Perhaps read in an armchair. Ooh, nice. It's a bit Cyril from That's Live. Don about doing that. Perhaps reading in an armchair. Ooh, nice. It's a bit Cyril from That's Live. Don't like that. Esther.

Yeah, it's never quite as much fun as reading in bed for some reason. Right. But I have been thinking about the possibility of reading until I'm really tired. Yeah. And then going to bed. Get the old MC Hammer shorts on, pants, pantaloons. Oh, they're always on.

You could be very comfortable in a chair. You're right. I could... There's a big beanbag somewhere near the bedroom. You know I love a beanbag. I do. If it was up to me, we'd have no hard furnishings in our house. We'd just have beanbags.

Just a squatter beanbag. Frank, I saw a tweet this week that gave me a lovely little shot of schadenfreude. I enjoyed it enormously. Okay. It was regarding Stuart Broad. I don't know if you might not be aware of this, Alan, but I have he's quite a big deal in my house. Just in case anyone's listening who isn't a cricket enthusiast, Stuart Broad

is a... Very hot. Yeah, he's probably the best looking of the English cricketers. And he gave me a bat once. I'm not a cricket enthusiast, but I know that. Yeah, he's a tall, blonde, handsome man, fast bowler, and quite a good batsman as well.

Is he? He gave me a bat once. Well, I've heard some terms for that. I was just about to say, is that a euphemism? Thank God she didn't say Occupy in the Chris. He gave me a bat, and I've got that bat. Ah, signed? Absolutely.

He used a Sharpie. I've heard that. It's getting very Chris Moyles today. It is, isn't it? I must fight it. Once I get into the carry-on mode, I can't... I don't help. No. Let me just get out my system. I'm back. I've got a carry-on mode on my iPhone.

Well, it's airplane mode, but carry-on. Carry-on luggage. Nearly. Yeah, it needs a bit of work. Maybe we could workshop it later. I had to think about it a lot, but I liked it. Yeah, you don't want a jet that comes with three footnotes. So, anyway, this tweet that I saw, it said someone had spotted Stuart Broad.

And they said, someone just asked Stuart Broad where the 34 longs are in the jeans section at Selfridges. His do you know who I am face was priceless. Well, to be fair to Stuart, I mean, that's never a great moment. Not because there's any shame in working in a shop but in fact that would have been my chosen career had this not panned out on the old fashion front is that right yeah i worked in the gap you know that in my early years as i

was a greeter um i used to be the uh the night watchman at the gap mind the gap that was my i was still on a bit carry-on. I was thinking I worked in the gap in my early years as well. No, but to be fair, though, Stuart Broad... Yeah. I think the person, the 34 longs, he does look like a bloke who wears the... He's a very long-legged man.

So it might have just been... Oh, yes, I can confirm. You all know where the longer jeans... Or maybe he just got... You know, he thought longs, broad. It just got into a sort of dimensions frenzy and got completely mixed up. What if his name was Stuart Wide?

That'd be a terrible name for a barber. Oh, yeah. Well, do you know, I did... If he'd said to me, where's the 34 longs, I think you want the awful counter. I haven't counted them, but there's quite a heap. Quite a

Uriah, as I say. I think the thing is, though, sometimes in a shop, you see, this happens to me a lot, which is why I sympathise, people always think I work in the shop. Do they? Yes. Really? It happens to me, I'd say once a fortnight. Do you take this as a compliment? a lot which is why i sympathize people always think i work in the shop do they really it happens to me i'd say once a fortnight you tell this as a compliment well yeah because i think i walk around with such a sense of ownership i mean kathy i've been shopping with your girlfriend and she says

do that thing you do with the hangers i wasn't even aware i did it but apparently i don't just look at clothes i sort of push them aggressively the hangers to one side like i'm inspecting a fashion rail because that's what I do at work. You just push them like that. See, I'm surprised, because you're a woman who has... You have a sense of status about you. I mean, this is the nicest possible way. I'd always think you were a rich customer, not someone who worked there.

You're talking to her in a name badge when shopping. In a ladies' clothes shop, it does happen. I'm wanting a size 8. Aren't we all, dear? And how do you... How do you handle it? Do you play along? How do you think I handle it? Do you say how do I handle it?

No, I just say, well, you know, they'll say, can I take these five items into the changing room? I don't care. Take a troop of Brazilian dancers, if you like. No, I say, I don't work here. Oh, do you? You see, I'd be inclined to say, well, you can, but you have to take that fire extinguisher as well. And then just see what happens.

Yeah, no one has. And then just see what happens. Yeah, no one has... I think on one occasion, I used to work... I used to occasionally shop in Past Times. Do you know that? Oh, I love Past Times. Where they sell all the old... And I was in there and someone came up to me and said,

do you sell Victorian Asylum restraining straps? And I said, I'm sorry, I don't work here don't work here and they said well hey why the frock coat and um and i just you sure that's what they said i think i said that and uh i am i just cocked a snook yo you see you don't look like you work if i had to say that's it you don't i think if i had to say what shop would you work... If I had to say... That's it, you don't look like you work. You don't look like you work full stop. No, I don't at that point. I think if I had to say what shop would you work at... You see, I see Alan. I think you'd be waiter in a health food store, maybe.

Oh, do you really? I don't think I look healthy. Or, I know I've got it more, actually. This isn't really a shop. You're more a lab technician in a school, I think. No. See, I can see him in a hardware store. Oh, Frank, you're right. Yeah. He is. I can see him in a hardware store. Oh, Frank, you're right.

Yeah. He is. I can see him showing me a selection of drill bits. I like how misrepresented I have been here. I don't know. Occasionally I get asked where the toilets are in a comedy club. If I've worn a dark shirt and I'm wandering about, again, it's that sense of ownership, I guess.

And sometimes people will say, excuse me, do you know where the toilets are? And I'll think, well, I know where mine is dark shirt and I'm wandering about again it's that sense of ownership I guess um and sometimes people say excuse me do you know where the toilets are and I'll think well I know where mine is because I'm backstage I'm not with you but but I do tell them I tell them but does that mean that they think you work there because I will ask anyone where the toilets are all right no I think I don't just look for staff oh I think they they think I work there, yeah. OK. I think quite often they do. What, in a toilet-based capacity? Yeah, yeah, I'm the toilet cleaner. Have you been travelling with that bucket mop again as a general prop?

No, I don't know why it is, but I don't often get asked in clothes shops. But I think it's quite flattering in a way. Like Stuart Broad, he really, if he's being asked where the 34 longs are, it's basically someone saying you have picked appropriate clothing for the shop you're in. Perhaps his casual outfit is very Selfridges

where he's shopping. That's a good thing, isn't it? Surely. I see it as a positive. Isn't their uniform a sort of brown nylon overall? Possibly. I mean, I got asked in McDonald's. Yeah. You know, do you still sell the Filet-O-Fish? They said to me.

And do they? I said, look, I'm detoxing. That's why I've got bad skin. But you did have the brown cadphile hoodie on. I did, yeah. That's why, Frank. Oh, I was down with the bros at the monastery yeah so if you wear the brown hoodie to church the people ask you for directions

to the chairs i nearly said chairs there no not chairs what are they called oh the pews oh god i tell you these people that the time is right for Ant and Dick. These people. Grim revolution. We've had an email in with Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Still happy to hear that. I love your use of the Cockerel sound effect to introduce Alan every week. Spelled with a U. Very good.

This sound effect reminds me of a conversation I regularly have with my French girlfriend about the bilingual nature of animals. Now, is there a suspicion of a boast there, my French girlfriend? Very good. Exotic. Good work. Good work. It's a bit 70s having a French girlfriend. Yeah, but it already reads to

stage where they're talking about the bilingual nature of animals. Yeah, exactly. That's what I love about the French. Les passions. Yeah. Is that... I don't know. I don't speak French. L'amour.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. C'est l'amour. Anyway, we'll go back to the bilingual nature of animals. For example, ducks in the UK can be heard in many parks announcing their presence with the familiar quack, quack capitals. I can verify that. Yep, fact.

However, these migratory birds have learned that they will get no bread in France unless they speak the native language. So in France, they holler, quang, quang. So does that mean that if you were writing a children's book, say, in France, I think that's what he's referring to. So the ducks would say, Croix, Croix, Croix. Croix, Croix, yeah. I can see that.

I imagine French ducks do go, Croix, Croix, Croix. It's all a Gaelic shrug, isn't it? Yeah, Croix. You know when you see geese going over, and you hear the sounds, and they've all got a slightly different, going over the top, it's terrifying.

Am I the only one who's ever heard that? I don't think I've heard many geese in my time, but anyway. I'm starting to think the neighbour must be asthmatic. There are no geese. He goes on to point out, lo and behold, the familiar cockerel's cock-a-doodle-doo is replaced with kakiriku. Kakiriku. Kakiriku. Kakiriku.

Kakiriku. Wasn't he in the happy days? Kakiriku. That's what they say. Yeah. Kakiriku. Yeah. Since these birds are not migratory,

I can only assume they are true French cockerels and not bilingual. Well, of course, it's the symbol of the French, you know. Yes. So they would be right, wouldn't they? Yeah. Neither account who mare instead of moo. They mare? Well, of course, it is the symbol of the French, you know. So they would be right, wouldn't they? Neither are cows who mare instead of moo. They mare?

Or dogs which wah-wah-wah. Mare is sheep, surely, isn't it? No, it's instead of moo. He says cows mare. Don't you think mare is more sheep? Mare. Yeah, I mean, in a way, sheep were the early internet people where they say it's all a bit meh. Meh.

And Kwan, Kwan, that's just an English duck with Qatar, isn't it? Kwan. Kwan, that's how Got Kwan trained his ducks to speak. Oh, yeah, I thought of that. Maybe they're saying Got Kwan. Why would they be saying that? I don't know. They're fashion ducks. Maybe they're saying got kwan. Why would they be saying that? I don't know. They're fashion ducks.

Perhaps they're a bit chubby. Ducks are a fatty bird. Maybe they need got kwan in their life. Yeah. And also a dog going wah, wah, wah. That's a dog being caned, isn't it? I don't know if you've ever seen a dog being caned. No.

They can get quite aggressive. You see, I've always suspected animals do have accents. That doesn't surprise me, really. Don't you think? When you go somewhere else, they're a bit, oh, isn't it a bit funny, the other animals? I don't like them as much. Presumably.

They don't. Turkish dogs, awful. Yeah? Is that right? Well, I, yeah, and how they keep those fezzes on. I don't know. Turkish dogs? Awful. Yeah? Is that right? Well, I... Yeah, and how they keep those fezzes on. I don't know. No, I imagine that... Certainly they must respond to the language.

If you spoke as a French dog, it wouldn't be familiar with your tones. I know they don't know the words, but, you know, when they're used to... They're just here... And they'd get, you know, when they're used to... They're just here... And they'd get, you know, what that meant. I wonder if French dogs are actually looking at you like, I could speak English to you, but I'm not going to.

Yeah. They are quite snooty. A different attitude. I've never seen a dog shrug, though. I think they used to own a dog shrug. I found it a bit tight under the armpits. I think they used to own a dog shrug. I found it a bit tight under the armpits. I think they might have left the elbows in.

We should say, by the way, that was from Gary Wells. Oh, should we? Yeah. Oh, Gary Wells. Give him credit where it's due. Do you think he was known as Tonbridge at school? Probably. Yeah. Wishing, maybe. If he'd gone to my school, he'd have been known as Wellsy.

Yeah. Because everybody got a E near enough. If he'd gone to my school, he'd have been known as that weird kid that talks about animals all the time. Yeah. And he'd have been bullied accordingly. That will one day get a French girlfriend.

Yeah, well, exactly. I think that probably happens to all the kids who are bullied at school as they get payback time. Because Susan Boyle, millionaire. That's fair enough. So, as we move towards the end of the show, what else have we got in the bag? Not before mentioning, very topical for you here,

the Queen Mother's recipe book. Has it been discovered? Well, there are two royal stories that I'd like to address. The first that I enjoyed this week was the Queen's Advertise for a Butler. She put it online and everything. I'm amazed they advertise in public like that. I thought it would all be a friend of a friend. It needs the highest standards, the butler, in the service of

wine, food, valeting and messenger duties. Messenger duties? I don't like the sound of that. That sounds a bit sinister. It sounds like a mule. I don't like that at all. I couldn't do it. It's not for me. You couldn't do it? It's not for me.

15 grand a year live in. I like the idea. I always get the impression for me i'm just not 15 grand a year live in i like the idea i always get the impression with the bottler type 15 grand a year live in no bills though in fairness and in fairness and the run of the place probably a nice house yeah i imagine you don't ever think this is a bottle that most of their life is spent like just sitting in the kitchen chatting, having a bit of cake and a cup of tea. Only that moment when the bell goes do they actually have to do anything proper.

That appeals to me. It's sort of a less dangerous version of being a fireman. Yeah. You know, it's mainly sitting about. Or a film extra or something like that. I think you'd be quite good, Frank. I can see you ironing the paper and running the house well i'm very discreet i think you are the soul of discretion actually i think you'd be good you're no paul burrell do you think there would be a point though where you couldn't resist wading in with a funny remark because they're at dinner

with some oh yeah he'd be doing that all the time. Well, yeah, I'd actually... But could it this way? You'll have to get familiar first, a little bit. They could leave... There are very few people I could leave my phone with and feel they're not going to look at it. And Frank's one of them, I'm just saying that. What about that? Well, the Queen will be pleased to hear that on his CV, won't she?

Yeah, but it is true. People tell me, you know, secrets, and I never divulge. I think part of it is just um short-term memory log but now i i'm i've you know loosely sink ships that's what i grew up with that slogan i know i i remember when mick jagger was clamped onto the belgrana oh and those he couldn't get a foothold in those black platform trainers either. Luckily, he had the oral option. Not a lot of people wouldn't.

The Queen Mother's cookbook. I imagine from the look of the Queen Mother that she lived on blackjacks. Mainly. You know, she had those sort of dark purple teeth. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you exactly what she liked. She liked After Eight Ice Cream. That's just Viennetta though for posh people isn't it

but is it actually After Eight Ice Cream or is she putting After Eights mashed up in ice cream or something I don't know how many martinis have been drunk at that stage she did a lot of mashing she was gone long before the confectionary world started tiptoeing into the ice cream world

even Mars ice cream. Surely that's only like the last five years, isn't it? No, she hasn't been dead that long. Yeah, only a couple of years. My, she was quite... I doubt that she was up after eight. What a nightmare. Come on, Mum, off to bed.

It's only half seven. I just fancied a bit of ice cream. Too late. Now, Frank, she was also... Another recipe. Earth, strum, kill bow. What another recipe, Earth's Drum Killbow. What? Earth's Drum Killbow. Okay.

It's eggs, prawns, and lobster, and anchovy essence. Wow. It's like a prawn cocktail, basically. What is it? It's called Earth's Drum Killbow. Earth's. Earth's. Don't correct my French. Don't you dare correct my French. Earth's Road Killbow. It's a bit of a flat squirrel. don't correct my french don't you dare correct my french earth's road kill these aren't things that she prepared these are her favorite these were her favorite she didn't

do preparation herself that's what she had people like you for 15k a year live in yeah apparently when uh when they put it in front of her, she woofed it down. She whirred it down. Really? Thanks. She liked tipsy tart. Well, yeah. That's my autobiography title. This is dates soaked in brandy and then made into a tart formation, essentially.

What does that mean, a tart formation? Put in a plate? No, they're all put together in a tart setting. A pastry dish or something like that. Exactly. Isn't this just a way of having brandy and giving her something to sock on? I imagine everything was... Wasn't it all liquidised as well for the Queen Mardre,

as I like to call her? Oh, possibly in later years, yeah. No, surely she was still on. I mean, I imagine there was a lot of liquids going in as well. But she wouldn't... Surely she was past the knife and fork stage. I'm seeing her in that lime green acrylic fibre nose bag. And they're just chomping away

but even when they're young they don't need the knife and fork they've got a staff for that, that's the sort of thing you'd be doing, spoon feeding I don't think they're actually fed are they I think it is a fact that Prince Charles has someone put toothpaste on a brush for him I've heard that said

but surely that's an urban myth if you're prepared to allow that then you'd also be prepared to sit there while someone put your food into your face for you, wouldn't you? Well, you know, I've already got an electric toothbrush and to me that's the first rung of the ladder of someone else cleaning your teeth I do wonder how they relax living in a palace

because I felt a bit like I couldn't really relax in Edinburgh because the flat had high ceilings I couldn't really relax in Edinburgh, because the flat had high ceilings. I don't imagine they've got like a low ceiling, like a small cosy living room with... I don't know, it's no Playboy Mansion in that respect. No, I think they do. I think they have some sheets of corrugated plastic set into a lean-to in the corner of the main dining room. Do you think?

And they sit in there and smoke roll-ups. Do you know what I mean, though? If you've got a butler and staff waiting to your every need, it must be quite hard to put your MC Hammer pants on and lie on the couch and get your own crisps and watch telly. It must be weird going, well, I'd quite like to just sit here and not do anything, but there's a bloke standing in the corner with a tuxedo on

who, every time I move, offers me something. Well, that happens to me every night. That's another story. You do live with the Chippendales. I love those little cuffs. If you spend your whole life soaking dates soaked in brandy, I don't think self-consciousness is one of your problems, is it? I think it's unconsciousness.

Anyway, God bless the old Queen Marjorie. I look forward, I think we should why don't we get the cookbook and have a bit of a make something. Let's do it. I thought you were about to say, why don't we get the cookbook and have a dinner party? I was thinking, you can't have any of this. No, I can't have any of this.

I can't have the alcohol stuff. And I'm worried about the fish bone in the throat. Oh, God, it's happened. Sorry. What about the corgi spit roast? I meant rotisserie. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.