The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 11th April 12

Episode Date: April 10, 2012

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Guess what? What?

It's not the weekend podcast. Oh. With Frank Skinner, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Hmm. Through the Absolute Radio brand. Is it through the auspices of Absolute Radio? It isn't this week. They ran out of auspice.

That was sort of a pun there. We'll leave it there, shall we? Yeah, yeah. I think just about got away by my fingernails. Oh, too many eggs. That's my trouble. I'm still recovering. Oh, yeah.

Too much chocolate. I tell you what I am recovering from. There's something that now has started to ruin my life. Oh, God. She hasn't come out of the woodwork, has she? No, she's... It's well nailed, that lid. I'm having quite a lot of problems at home.

Oh. With, um... With my duvet. Oh, I'm relieved. Now, I don't know what it is. I don't know what the problem is. My duvet is like a double duvet. Is that normal? There's two duvets inside the duvet cover.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, that's not normal. No, is that wrong? They're buttoned together. I mean, I suppose it's just a way of... They're buttoned together? Yeah. I've never seen the like of this.

Have you, Alan? I've never heard of such a thing, no. I think it's just like additional toggeage. It's a double duvet. Oh, I'm sorry, Frank, forgive me. I know what you mean. So it's like a seasonal thing isn't it it's seasonal yes i am with you so obviously at the moment it still has its winter

layers so there's two there's two duvets in there but two duvets posing as a as a one goose Maybe later. I can't reach you from here. Anyway, what happens is the cleaner comes on Tuesdays to our house and does a lovely job with the duvet. It's immaculate. And then every night the duvet starts to move about a bit further. It's like an escape. So the bottom bit has got bits of duvet sticking between the bottoms. You know what I mean?

Like a hernia. If you can imagine a duvet with a hernia. It's like escaping cake mix or something. I know that look. Or that stuff that people squirt into their gaps in the wall. You know, that sort of bubbling. Oh, yeah. It looks like that.

So what happens is you end up with a duvet which has a very uneven so there's a big thick pile of duvet at one end which is basically like sleeping under a donkey and the other one is just a duvet cover yeah what you you've got bunching frank yes yeah it's bunch. What does one do about that? I'll tell you exactly what you do. That doesn't involve doing anything. Well, I'm quite forensic. I will climb inside the duvet like a sort of bomb disposal expert.

You'll get inside the cover? Yes, like a boudoir in a sort of tent. I've got it above my head. I spend a lot of time down there. You'd look a bit like Kylie's look for I can't get it out of my head or whatever it's called. She looks like she's emerging from some sort of bed linen. I'm sorry, you're right. Did I say Baudouin? You did.

Can I tell you why I do that? It's Bedouin, isn't it? I thought it was Baudouin. Yes, it is, but the reason I say Baudouin is that he was Shirley Bassey's ex-boyfriend that I knew as a child, so I grew up thinking you pronounced it that way. Where did Bedouins come into this? It was like a Bedouin tent, and I pronounced it Boudouin, because I used to know something called Boudouin.

A Boudouin tent. I've never heard of Boudouin. You're absolutely correct. And what you're doing there, you're losing the pun on bed. I know. It's terrible. You're so right. See, the French, obviously, they blow any possible joke out the water. I blame Shirley Bassey. For so many things.

For so many things. So, yeah, sometimes I just think an internal investigation is the only way. Well, it's funny my doctor said that to me, wasn't he? I'm still waiting for the results of that package. Frank sent some in the post. Exactly. Once you've done the internal investigation, and then you... Thank God I didn't have to lick a stamp. It was an already addressed envelope.

Sorry, Em. Then you can establish where the issues are. I know what you mean, Frank. It's like Britain's fattest man when he's lost weight. The folds, hang down. Yeah, but it's only one... Oh, man, it really... And I wake up either cold or I wake up piled high.

You need to... You're going to have to stand on the bed, stand, and you need to hold the pointy ends taut. Yeah, so you need to get purchased. I don't have that kind of span. I can't hold both of them.

You said it was normal double. You've got that span. It's a king-size bed. Oh, is it? Yeah. Hang on, have you got a king-size bed and a double-sized... No, no, king-size bed, king-sized duvet, king-sized duvet cover. Right. That's the rules. Because it sounds to me like your quilt is smaller than your duvet. What, are you out of your mind?

If it's bunching up in the corner, surely you want... See, I never used to have this in it. When I grew up, we used to have sheets, blankets and an eiderdown. Oh, talky guesthouse. Very occasionally. They were heavy on you, weren't they? Cold weather. It would be an army greatcoat. Really?

Yeah, on top. I was going to say, you know you said once on this that you've got a lot of suits that you don't actually wear. Sleep in them. Just put all the suit jackets on top of the bed. Just wear them. Get to bed wearing a bat suit like a Russian doll.

No, I don't like a trouser in bed. The thing is that... We know. How can we know this about you? No, but I don't like that. But no, it's...

That's... The overcoat was a brilliant idea because what's the point of being cold and having an overcoat hanging there that's true don't buy hanging there if they can be useful

this is how the community programme replaced capital punishment on the same theory you see I think you need some velcro application get your cleaners yes on either side that would be quite handy

in bed actually I could say to Catherine no no no it's the Velcro oh my well they were they were held they were held together

by enormous safety pins because one night I grabbed the duvet what a strange big nappy yeah I grabbed the duvet the corner of the

and one went like about an inch and a half into my hand I say inch and a half into my hand. I say inch and a half. It broke the skin. But you can't sleep with a safety pin in the duvet.

Anyway, look, I, you know, but I really, if anyone has got any answers to this, I would love to, because it really, there's nothing worse than being woken up by an unruly duvet, isn't there? Couldn't you have another duvet on the bed next to the floor? Like on the floor, just buy it, and then if you wake up in the night and you've got just the sheets, you just sort of roll over and pick up another duvet.

I tell you what worries me about that, is that I have got a spare duvet downstairs, but I used to have two duvets. That's what I call the row duvet. No, no, sometimes I would have it, and then I'd say to Cathy, you have the donkey duvet, I'll have this one, and we'll have it. And then I'd say to Cathy, you have the donkey duvet. I'll have this one.

And we'll be fine. But then you get someone's day. And that moment when you have to give up your duvet for them, I despise them. I despise them for making me do that. So better to not have it. Get inside, Nick. I'm shocked. Do you two never get inside the duvet?

I've never been inside a duvet cover in my life. I spend a lot of time there. Do you? Yes. Weekly, I'd there. Do you? Yes. Weekly, I'd say. Do you pop on like a Miner's Headland person at first? I crawl around in there like an animal. Are you part of an experimental theatre group?

Yeah, yeah. Like you had to ask that all my life I have been. I find that, no, anyway, it's a problem. Or you could sleep in your onesie. I know you've got a onesie. Too hot. Yeah, I can't slumber in onesie. I know you've got a onesie. Too hot. Yeah, I can't slumber in an acrylic. I'll tell you what I do like, that point in the summer

when the weather's getting too hot and you take the duvet out and just sleep under the duvet cover. That's what we sometimes do. I've never done that in my life. There's no such thing. I'm cold every night. I don't care. Me too, Frank.

Oh, really? I'm very warm-blooded. I slept in the Sahara Desert once. It was still a bit cold in the night. It gets quite cold in the Sahara. Did you take the wrong tog with you? I took Victor Abugu with me, the international rugby player. Is that true?

We had a nice little house to sleep in. Well, you wouldn't call it a house, but it was a habitation. We were supposed to be sleeping in there, me and Victor. Do you know Victor? He's an enormous man, like many rugby players. Do you not know Victor? Anyway, Victor said I'm just popping to the toilet. He says,

there's an en suite. Well, we couldn't stay. We couldn't stay. He couldn't stand it. I mean, imagine me. We ended up, even though it was mosquito and malaria, we ended up sleeping outside under a loose net. Because he'd been. He'd been and we couldn't breathe.

He rendered a whole house unliveable. I'll tell you, never. If a professional rugby player says, I'm just nipping to the en suite, you've got to take him down like a rhino. Not easy. They train for that. No, exactly. Oh, man, he's a powerhouse in so many ways. Certainly, if anything, powered by methane.

Anyway, have we heard from the outside world? We have. We have. And we have an email that I would like to read titled Crush of the Century. Oh, Nicholas Parsons. 18 Derbyshire. I have been working...

I don't know what that means. 18 Derbyshire? I don't know what that bit means, to be honest. How small is Derbyshire nowadays? I thought that was a cut-and-paste error, but I think it's part of the email. 18 Derbyshire. It's like number one London. It is.

Where the Duke of Westminster lives. What a great address. 18 Derbyshire. It's only about 25 hours. It's in Derbyshire. Yeah. I have been working... That's someone really important in Derbyshire. I have been working through the backlog of podcasts and shows

and have realised I have developed... What are they working through? It's a chore, isn't it? You're lying to me. Don't make it sound like such an ordeal. That sounds like me under the duvet. If you know what I mean. It does a bit.

I've been working through the backlog of podcasts and shows and have realised I've developed a crush upon Emily Dean. Oh, hold up. Crush of the century. Oh, hang on. Despite never having seen a picture of her or having heard of her before the show... Let's clear that up.

No offence intended. Loads taken. I have since refused to Google her image as I quite like the image of her. I have refused to Google her image as I quite like the image of her. I have refused to Google her image as I quite like the image of her which is put across in the show. I'm not insinuating I'd be disappointed. Oh. Jed Dixon.

Jed? Jed? Jed? Well, we had an email from old Jed. 18, Derbyshire. Oh, do you know, that sounds like it could be a state Say Jed, how you doing? Well, I'm Plum Tuckard

You're Plum Tuckard? Isn't that some kind of a desert? Oh no! Tuckard means exhausted and Plum is an intensified adverb Little extract from the Wild West Adventures of Jed.

Little extract from Christmas Future for me, apparently. Intensified adverb. Who'd have thought? Oh, he's smart. Oh, I knew that. Yeah. The Warwick years. I'll tell you what I admire about Jed is that he he's resisted

the Google. And I started doing that with films and things. I find out as little as I can. I saw Hunger Games last week, and there's a lot of reviews and stuff. I noticed in Time Out magazine, which is a London listings magazine, a three-star review,

which would have put a lot of people off. And I thought, see, I don't want to know anything. I just want to turn up. Of course, I loved it. Good. Totally loved it. a lot of people off. And I thought, see, I don't want to know anything. I just want to turn up. Of course, I loved it. Good. Totally loved it. But I like the idea of getting a crush on someone who you've only ever heard. Have you ever seen The Matter of Life and Death

when David Niven is a fighter pilot about to crash and he speaks to the woman on the ground and they kind of fall for each other? Oh, no, that sounds good. Yeah. Oh, I recommend it. It's a brilliant movie. But I can... It's like three 0901 numbers, basically. Oh, OK.

No, but I can see, because he's done it the right way around. He hasn't been lured in by your sexual charms. He's been lured in by your personality and your vocal timbre. Your timbre. I've won him over. Yeah.

Well, I... Can I say, Jed, as Peugeot once said, the reality is even better than the dream. Oh, Frank. Do you know, that's so nice. I think it's best to keep it this way, Frank. I don't think we should sully the waters with photographs.

But you haven't even seen Jed. Jed might be a honk and a honk. Well, can I just say... What, old Jed? How about old Tamar? When you said Jed might be a honk and a honk. Well, can I just say... What, old Jed? I'm an old timer! When you said Jed might be a honk because of your accent, it sounded like a honk. Like Jed might smell a bit.

Like that rugby player. He wouldn't smell like that. I like the idea of residing at 18 Derbyshire. Well, exactly. I can see me there. A bit like Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey. How do you feel if I'm right, though, and it means he's 18 and in Derbyshire?

No problem with that. Maybe it's related to Eileen Derbyshire, who plays Emily Bishop in Coronation Street. Oh. Maybe. He's her 18th son. That wouldn't work as much of an aphrodisiac, I have to say. A bit tenuous to show this connection there. Celebr's her 18th son. That wouldn't work as much of an aphrodisiac, I have to say.

A bit tenuous to show this connection there. Celebrity link, always good. Well, I'm intrigued now. What about if you two are absolutely, if you are the soulmate thing, and you're not going to find out now because... Well, old Jed digs it. Yeah. I got a lot of time for old Jed.

See, Jed, where you been? Well, Chief Running Ward had a bit of an uprising. What, at his age? There are a few in the mix at the moment, I won't lie. Oh. Yeah, and he could add his name to the list for consideration. Contender Ready. Gladiator Ready.

Crush of the century Thank you Jed What else? Pass on your details to the team here We'll be on the list We have a waiting list We do have a waiting list There's one that's got to the top

So we'll have to see When we get emails from like Australia And South Africa and stuff I always sort of have half a mind of thinking, oh, we'll probably tour the show and do some live shows one day. Do you think we should start with Derbyshire? 18 Derbyshire.

Oh, Frank, I can say that when I get the phone. 18 Derbyshire. That'd be good. I'm intrigued now by who's top of the list. Because the London ring was a lot more than that. That's brunch sorted. Yeah. So we've also had another email in.

Have we? And this email is from Kelly. She says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, all your talk of days gone by recently has obviously sent me back in time to the 70s. All my talk of days gone by. That's what these shows become. It's like something from The People's Friend. I saw a man the other day selling

fizzy drinks, or pop, as we used to call it, from a van. Was he selling the crush of the century? And when I got home... Fizzy drinks from a van? I thought that had died out. Yeah. We used to have a thing called the Alpine Pop, man. Did you? There used to be

two litre bottles of pop. I mean, that's a big bottle. That really is. Yeah, and you could, we used to be two litre bottles of pop I mean that's a big bottle that really is yeah and you could we used to use them for ant colonies

no and what is your favourite you strike me as an orangeade type it was the only pop company I've ever come across

that sold pineappleade oh that sounds nice Frank yeah oh I feel like I missed out in my childhood. That was my favourite.

Or in France, of course, it would be an anasade. Lovely. Oh, did you go to France when you were a kid? No. Oh. I thought you might have. We went to France. We went to Rille once, and we went to Kinver.

What are these places? Rille is in Wales. Kinver was about ten miles away from where we live, but there was a river. Oh, was there? I think there was a river. Oh, did you just set up tents by the river? I like it. Frank, I haven't finished this email yet.

Oh, sorry. So then she says, so picture the scene. She saw the man selling fizzy drinks, or poppers we used to call it, and when I got home, in my post was a flyer for an autograph signing event. One of the guest stars was Robin Asquith. Lots of love, Kelly. Robin Asquith of Confessions with a... Yes.

Confessions of a window cleaner driving in stock tapes. He's at an autograph signing event. I'm a huge fan of his work. I won't have a word said against him. Well, I'll tell you something about Robin. Are you familiar with Robin Asquith? Not very, no. Alan, you look confused. He used to get naked in all the films. They were sort of soft. They were sexy films. Yeah,

I mean, they weren't rude, rude, but they were rude. And I was working at the Warwick Arts Centre, and he was on, I was doing stand-up in the on-part, and he was on, I was doing stand up in the on part and he was on, I think he was doing Dario Fo's Rise and Fall of Arturo Uy

and I went past his dressing room and he called out and said hello and stuff and he was completely naked and I thought does he ever wear clothes Robin Esquith at all so I saw him absolutely in situ it was perfect.

You think in all those films that they were saying, all right, we've got you the costume, and he's like, no, don't bother about that. No, I'll be fine. It's not my thing. I don't really do costumes. It's kind of incredible. It's like walking in on the man who does the Go Compare ads,

and he's singing the Go Compare thing. It's like he's like that all the time. I couldn't breathe. I like the Confessions films, Frank, because you could be a lady and you didn't have to bother about personal grooming so much. I remember seeing Jill Gascoigne playing a sexy lady in one of them, and she had a bruise on her leg, and she was at a negligee.

I have to say I love a bruised leg. In a 70s film, a sexy lady with a bruised leg, you're allowed to have bruises then. You see a lot of sort of middle-range models with bruised legs. I remember, what was that girl that used to be a bit of a sex symbol in Coronation Street? Tracy Shore. Oh, yeah. There was a fabulous shot of her sitting in a shopping trolley.

I know that picture, Frank. And her legs, oh. Oh, the gusset. I know it. Either she drinks a lot or she's a very devout Catholic. But her knees were black and blue. I'm leaving the other option in case anyone's not going there. Oh, dear.

Not going there. Don't go there. It'd be rude. It'd be rude not to. Don't go there. That's what they say, isn't it? People. Eh?

Don't go there. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I saw a thing in the paper the other day that I wanted to mention to you. I'm interested to know if you have similar fitness fads as I do. have similar fitness fads as I do. There's a woman in the paper who has lost 143 pounds, and that's weight, not money, although possibly... Ten stone? Possibly money as well, by learning how to hula hoop.

She basically spins a hula hoop around her waist. I read about this woman. Sadly, they did a before and after picture. Loads and loads of after pictures. Which was which? Oh, okay. But in the before picture, she's wearing a black dress that's got a sort of a shiny belt around it. And it does look like

she's stuck in a hula hoop. Oh, no. Like a badly wrapped table napkin. It's exactly like that. Oh, that would be terrible. She thought, I'm going to start hula hooping. Oh, what a way to to be That picture's day one Now I read it

The thing that stuck in my mind Is that it said I mean god bless How old was she? How heavy was she? She was originally She was 288 pounds What's that?

That's 20 stone isn't it? Something like that We say what's that in real money at some point Yeah that? That's 20 stone, isn't it? Something like that. We say, what's that in real money at some point? Yeah, I think that's 20 stone. And it said that she was asked to leave a fairground ride because the safety bar wouldn't close over her stomach. Oh, that's awful. I mean, that doesn't get up.

That's a look within yourself moment. Or outwardly. When someone from the fairground says comments on your physical appearance yeah do you think he said by the way we also have a freak show here um here's my card and also just when the fairground are saying on health and safety grounds we can't allow this you've really crossed the line, haven't you? Do you think you could grow a beard? Well, I mean, it's a great... As you know, I'm a hula hoop enthusiast. I've done it twice in the last year.

You had a massive row with Kath once because you didn't think she was suitably enthusiastic about hula hooping on New Year's Eve. Am I right? Yes, that's true. I did a couple of classes in hula hooping. I found it really, really enjoyable. I don't know if one would...

You'd have to do a lot of it to lose weight. But you do sweat, though. Well, if you sweat, then that's it. It's cardio. It's doing it. I like this idea of this woman sat around eating snack food and said to her husband, I wonder if there's any other kind of hula hoop which would help me to lose weight rather than gain it.

Well, hold on, let's have a look on the internet. It's a funny thing. It makes me think of sort of 1960s health farms, though. I do worry a bit about the aesthetics when you're doing it. How do you look? Is it one of those things you should do alone in a room? I think you're good. Well, Frank, you're snake-hipped.

Yeah, well, you do. You look very snake-y-hipped. And I tell you what, the great incentive is if you don't do it in a carpeted room, because I did it in what I would call a gymnasium. Oh. And the sound of a hula hoop hitting the floor is horrible. So you wiggle like there's no tomorrow,

like there's no tomorrow Beckwith. Are you sure tomorrow's Beckwith? 1996 on Absolute Radio. It's an incentive to keep going. I just find it very satisfying. And you can do tricks. You can go walk about with it. What do you mean go walk about? Take it

for a walk? You just walk around with it. Stroll. Oh, I see. I can do that whilst juggling. Can you? I'm a reasonably good juggler. Is that right? No, I do. Do you know you strike me as a juggler? I can juggle clubs. You're so deep.

It's not very deep. All it means is that for a certain period of teenage years, you did not have a girlfriend and you practiced juggling instead. That's all it really means. You need to do Jed Dixon in your life. When you see a juggler in the street, you need to pity them. Are you suggesting that women basically waste time that could be used more constructively?

Is that the upshot of that statement? I think it would have been more constructive to have had a girlfriend rather than practice juggling. Maybe, but I sometimes think the lonely get a lot more done. Well, every cloud. Yeah, every clown has a silver lining. That's what they say, doesn't it? No, I don't think they do, do they?

I like the idea that there's hula-hooping classes that you stopped going to. And why was that? Did they not keep you in the loop? They weren't... Thank you. Thank you. What happened was that they're at a sort of a... Are you aware of Champneys?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Spa. I'm very aware of it. I like to call it a health farm. Somehow ended up on their email list. So many things. You end up on people's spam lists it's a shame the phrase health farm has disappeared, it's much better than spa

spa, yeah it's got an old fashioned 50's feel to it which I really like, it is like a health farm so you didn't have a hula hoop at home as well I went to a class there and when I came home I bought a hula hoop I was so sm. I went to a class there, and when I came home, I bought a hula hoop.

I was so smitten. I'd love to have seen him in that class. Were there those ladies, you know, the sort of ones that look like Elton John in the leotards? It was a mix. It was a hodgepodge. Oh, was it? I think I was the only man in there,

but there was pretty ladies and less pretty ladies. Okay. But if I'm going to be brutally honest now, that hula hoop, I don't think I've picked it up for six months. There's the rub. It's like the ice cream maker of the fitness world or something, isn't it? Yeah. The pasta maker.

It's a terrible... It's like the ball. We've got the big ball, you know. Oh, have you? Oh, yeah. We've all got that. And we... I mean, I never exercise. I don't think Kath does. And what we do, we use it as furniture.

Yeah. If we have a few people around, we say, no, you sit there, I'll get the ball. Oh, it's like the puff. The modern day puff. Yeah, exactly. And then I sit on the ball. Which has got a sort of a space hopper. If you can imagine.

If you can imagine a beheaded space hopper. It's like sort of... Horrible it is. Yeah, it's like that. But functional. It's like a Jetsons dinner party. All sort of floating. It's quite futuristic, isn't it? Well, there's only one ball, but I think at a deference to the guest, I should

be on the ball. Kath couldn't sit on the ball at the moment. She'd look like, you know, two fat ladies. Like Lucas. Exactly. She'd look like a Mr. Man. She's heavily pregnant, in case you... I'm not suggesting she's...

She needs the hula hoop. But I... It's a sad thing without those things that lie there that you thought you were going to use a lot oh yeah I have it a lot

with foreign language tapes oh really yes well what I do when I go away with people sometimes I lie

and I say I can speak the language better than I can and then it catches up with you because then you're about to

you know about to take off. You're learning French at departures. I'm quite good at French, actually. I'll be all right. I'll get us through this.

When I lived with David Baddiel, he told me he was fluent in Italian. And then when we started doing fantasy football, we had cause to film in Italy. And they said,

well, we'll need a translator. I said, no need, Dave. Dave speaks fluent Italian. And he said... You did that on purpose, I love it. No, I need, Dave. Dave speaks fluent Italian. No. And he said... You did that on purpose. No, I honestly believed it. Well, why lie? Yeah.

You're just writing sketches based in Italy for years. Yeah, yeah, we could do this. What happened? We lived the moment of humiliation. He said, look, I'll be honest with you, I can't. He basically lied. He said, I lived in Italy for a bit. And he always told me, I used to live in Italy.

I think it was like two weeks. It was told me, I used to live in Italy. I think it was like two weeks. It was a holiday. I used to live in Italy. I once met a backpacker who said, if you've been in a place three weeks, you've lived there. That's it. You've lived in that place if you've been there three weeks. Well, he told me, is it grade nine you can get to in music?

Or is it grade eight? Is that the highest? Yeah, that's the highest, grade eight. He told me, he said, I'm grade eight piano. I said, oh, amazing. So we had a woman up, a young girl we got up to play piano when he was doing this show. And I said, oh, the highest grade 8. He told me, he said, I'm grade 8 piano. I said, oh, amazing. So we had a woman up, a young girl got up to play piano when he was doing this show. And I said, oh, Dave, come play.

Dave's grade 8. He said, well, I didn't actually take grade 8. I got it. But I think I was at that level. Oh, really? I mean, why would I think less of him if he'd said to me I was grade 7? I love I think I was at that level.

I'm like that. I think I'm at master level at karate, but it's not been double-checked in some time. Did you do karate? I did a lot of karate. You juggle, you did karate. You're an absolute closed book, you are. You need to share more.

We must have talked about this already. We've definitely talked about my black belt in karate. Definitely. Have we? Yeah. I know a little bit about his work. We've definitely talked about my black belt in karate, definitely. Have we? Yeah. I know a little bit about his work. And I got my...

Oh, you knew. I got my tooth put through my lip and out the bottom. You know him so well. I feel I don't know you at all. You're a mystery man. You're like that bloke

on the Sandy Man port in the long cloak and the dark hat. Oh, what am I... I had a bit of a crush on him. He was one of my obscure crushes. They called him Sandy Man because he used to have a physical relationship

with wet patches of beach. He was in Korea. Very fine callback there. Thank you so much. Yeah, so I... So my apartment is scattered with these books. Well, I actually hide them in the make-up room now. But things like...

It's a precious little room in there. Well, I know. But the Turkish, Frank. The make-up room. Not the make-up bag. The make-up room. Room. I know.

But like Turkish, I can speak a smattering of that. Can you? Yeah. Teşekkür ederim. Well, that's good. Yeah, we can all do that. Senni seppiarum. Senni seppiarum.

You see what I mean? I sometimes sit there making it up. That means I love you. How nice is that? I just said that to you as a friend. Okay. To voglio bene. What's that? I think that's I love you in Italian, isn't it? Oh, I don't know. Should we ask David Baddiel? Oh, we won't know.

I'll tell you what. Jed Dixon won't be liking this bit, will he? Why not? Because Emily's telling everyone else she loves him. No, he'll probably have that as his ringtone. He'll isolate that. See, Jed, what was that? Comanche?

Hell no! That was Turkish. Turkish? Where was that? Comanche? Hell no! It was Turkish. Turkish? Where is that? Another little scene from the Wild West Adventures of Jet Dix. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.