The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 11th Jan 2012

Episode Date: January 11, 2012

With a new year comes a new resolution to detox, so naturally Frank, Alun and Laura have a lengthy chat about health farms.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! You still need the mic just a tiny bit closer to you, Alan.

Do I? Yeah, that's good. There. Or I could just speak up, yeah. What about me? Don't forget the adrenaline will start coursing once the record button's been pressed. I always go up a few decibels with adrenaline. Yeah.

I tend to go up a few jezebels. I'm sorry, I thought we were still talking about holidays. Oh, hold on, we're on air. Oh, hello. This is Frank Skinner, and I'm with Alan Cochran. Oh, it's nice to be back. And Laura Solon It's not quite what I had in mind

I'll be straight with you That's quite sinister and long It also lasts about three and a half minutes I think we'd probably better fade this So you're saying we were three and a half minutes of sinister We don't have a jingle for you, I'll be honest. Was that Gregorian chant?

That was a theme from the BBC's 1980s version of Day of the Triffids. Was it? Yeah. It's only because I think of Laura as someone who's become organically part of the show. Ah, right. Do you see? As opposed to a triffid. Just as a massive triffid.

I think she's absolutely Triffid. She's a bit like Perfect in Darling Buds of May. Darling Buds of May reference there for the David Jason fans. And Catherine Siktor Jones. So this is our first Not The Weekend podcast of 2012. Always an exciting moment, I think, the first podcast of 2012. I say always. It only happens once, of course.

But I like any year that begins and ends with the same number. I feel more relaxed. It's like I've been bookended. I can lean rather than have to stand upright on my spine. How was 1981 for you? Good. It was great. It was one of the best.

Of course I was still drinking then, so I needed all the support I could get. They weren't so much bookends as they were those crutches with the forearm grips. So loved by the benefit cheats.

Anyway, I, speaking of doing things for the benefit, I went to a health farm for some of the New Year Christmas break. Oh, nice. People don't seem to go to health farms anymore.

They're not called health farms. I believe people have started calling them spas. Oh, spa break. I wasn't risking that kind of confusion. I didn't want to have four nights in a supermarket. Old school. It's a linesman. Health Farm seems better for me. Health Farm, I totally understand it.

Especially this place, because it's not just about... It's called Champneys, right? You may have heard of it. It's been around for a long time. It's on their email list somehow. You're on their email list? I think I might be, somehow. Yeah, maybe I've, you know, thought... Maybe I've browsed for health farms in the past

and that's... they've got my details. Four days, I was barely out of a robe. Pontius Pilate. 1 BC. He liked that year, didn't he? He did, that's it. He likes it with a number at one end and a letter at the other.

That's his favourite. I suppose they all are, because I suppose they all end AD now, don't they? Yeah. I haven't seen anyone talking about the 2012 AD Olympics. I think everyone's just accepted now. That it's dead. That it's dead. It's like WWW.

We don't bother articulating it anymore. AD goes without saying. I think you're right. So I went there for I think it was three, four nights. I took my girlfriend, my girlfriend's sister.

What treatment? One boy two little girls. And I took their mother. Have I ever mentioned the antlers? No. It might just be a hair. I've never asked.

I think it's probably skin tags got out of control. Anyway, so it was lovely, actually, because it's the sort of place, it's complete. It's not just fitness. For example, I did, you can do classes, you know. You can do that. You can do classes. You can go and do, like, you know. You can do that. You can do classes. You can go and do, like, tai chi.

You can go and do tai chi. You can do. Gua yi lao, you can do. Who? No, actually, that's what the Chinese call white people. I think it means white demons. You can't do that. Gua yi lao. Gua it means white demons. You can't do that. Why you laugh?

Someone told me who spoke I think it's Cantonese. It's white demons. I suppose it's racism but it's alright because it's awesome. We can take it. And then I was in a supermarket. Not a supermarket. A restaurant. Chinese restaurant.

It's a very fine line. I was talking about it and I heard one of them say, why are you lol? And I thought, well, I know you're abusing me now and I wish I had a combat. But I just smiled quietly to myself. Oh, I can be inscrutable. Don't worry about that.

So I did par example, I did drum ball. What's drum ball? Drum ball is, you know those exercise balls, those big plastic... Swiss balls. No, I always sit like this. You know, the big plastic... They're called Swiss balls. Oh, I didn't know that.

Maybe I just made that up. Because they're derived from Switzerland. They're called Swiss balls. I didn't know that. Maybe I just made that up. Because they're derived from Switzerland. They're neutral and good at keeping time. Oh, well, that makes absolute sense. And one rolls on them, of course. So, yeah, so what you do is you lay out these blocks, which are like little stands, and then you put about ten of these balls in various places around the room, so they're fixed.

So you're standing amidst ten large plastic fixed balls, and then you get drumsticks, and they play music, and you have to play the drums in a synchronised fashion. So, for example, you might hit one four times and then you do three box steps to the one on your left and maybe hit that three times and then back. Is this an exercise for core strength and stability or is it a music therapy for peace of mind and happiness?

I think it combines both of those things and it's synchronised. Anything's synchronised, I love. Yeah. I just... You know, as soon as four or five people start making the same moves at the same time... You like that. Oh, it's got a feeling of opening ceremony about it.

So if you're on the tube in the rush hour and everyone's walking together, do you get that? Yeah, but they don't synchronise, do they? Do you know what I mean? Line dancing I like, because it reminds you that we're all brothers under the skin. You know what I mean? We're all the same.

We all have the same little flame burning inside us. Is that what happens when you see line dancing? Because I look at that and think, what a load of losers. Yeah, but you're looking at it from the outside. I'm on about when you're mid-line. When you're part of the team. Yeah, I used to go to Brenttown Hall they used to

they used to be a woman I went there a woman was standing talking to a janitor type character and she looked nondescript as soon as she had that Stetson on she was in complete control of the room just like being part of a uniform

would you like to live in North Korea? Who wouldn't? Be part of the masses. That's this week's texting. Who wouldn't like to live? Well, do you know what I mean? I think sometimes individuality can be a burden. And also, we should all remember that we're all part of the same,

we're all the same species. I really like synchronised swimming. Not participating, but watching it. Yeah, there you go. But if you watch one woman doing it on their own... Do men do it, by the way? I don't... Secretly?

I think they must do. But then do men do... Secretly, if they sneak one or two in there in waterproof makeup. Do men do the gymnastics with the ribbons and the balls? That's just the girls' thing. I don't think they do, actually. What's that called? Surely they're dressage.

No. Horses do that. Male and female horses do that. Oh, do they? They're not so tight. Yeah, obviously the male horses have to jump that little bit higher. Mm-hm. Yes.

And they're no good at the kneeling bit, otherwise, well, it's tantamount to ploughing. Indeed. Of course, they're no strangers to ploughing in the orthodox sense. I think we all know that about horses. But, yeah, so I do like that. I like the idea of feeling... I like any sort of synchronised dancing.

My favourite bit in Saturday Night Fever isn't white suit pointing. It's when they all do that dance together. Remember that bit? So I've always liked those. I like the YMCA. I like... The Macarena. Yeah, is that really a group dance?

Wigfield Saturday Night. Yeah. Well, the Macarena, I may have mentioned on here before, but who cares? Someone said to me, your Macarena's a bit ragged. And I think it was a surgeon, actually, looking back. I was supposed to be unconscious. No, he said, she said, she said, your Macarena, the way to dance a Macarena is to imagine you have a pencil in your, how can I put it, in your behind.

Oh, right. In your behind. Not on here. In it. Point out and imagine you're drawing a figure eight on a wall with that pencil. That's a lot of imagination leaps, I find. Well, I think that's all right. Pencil sticking out, and you're writing a figure eight on a wall,

and you feel your hips start to go as soon as you think, but you're doing it now in your seats, am I right? I'm clenching. You're clenching. I'm worried I'm going to drop the pencil. You don't have to clench. Go for depth. I'm wondering, am I going to explain why the pencil's there? One of those A&E stories.

One of those A&E stories. What's that doing? Well, I was trying to practice my Macarena. Oh, another Macarena story day. Oh, really? I'm worried about my little boy taking the pencil to school. That's my trouble. Yes, especially if he's one of those boys who choose the pencil.

The producer was just nearly sick. Yes. I've got used... I actually do autographs like it now. Just hold the book a little higher. Just a little higher. There you go. And relax.

Yeah, so I enjoyed Drombo. And I did what I always do. I've been to this place before. and I love the hula hoop classes. Oh. Oh, God, I love the hula hoop. Is that the fitness classes or learning how to do it? Well, it doesn't take long. It's not complicated.

And then you do tricks. It's like a yo-yo. Once you've got it going up and down, then, of course, you want to walk the dog and do the swing and go around the world, etc., etc. And the Ruth Ellis. What tricks can you do with a hula hoop? Well, you can go walking with the hula hoop. Is it spinning around you? Still spinning.

Right. That's what I'm working on at the moment, because I'm hoping to just do it all the time whenever I'm out. Yeah. Just gives you that bit of extra space on the street yeah yeah especially if it's on fire I've got got nails in it uni hula hoop or multiple hula hoop can't you do more than one I've never tried more than one I must admit um and the fiery hoop can I say to people at home is obviously quite dangerous don't don't do fiery hula hooping i find that um police dogs start jumping through it and um if if they don't have sufficient room sufficient room that land on your shoulder yeah and uh you know they they're tentatively placed they become uh insecure and and snappy

so i'm against that um but i But I love hula hooping. It's very underestimated. It warms you. Half an hour of hula hooping, you've got a sweat on. It's vigorous, isn't it? It's definitely vigorous. Then you bend over hula hooping, so you get it going round your waist, and you bend over so that instead of going round and round

on parallel with the ground, you get it at a 90-degree angle to the ground. And presumably you're bending over quite a bit when it stops and it drops to the floor, so that would be a slight workout. But I tell you, one of the great motivational aspects of hula hooping is when it hits the ground in a gymnasium, it's a terrible clutter. And that keeps your eyes on the prize, because you don't want that to happen. Like dropping a book in a library.

Yeah. You don't want to be that guy. Do people hush you and look at you? Well, no, because they're in the hula hoop zone. But I would very much recommend it. But it wasn't all about the physicals. This is what I mean about it being a health font. We went to...

The physicals sounds like a euphemism yeah no it certainly wasn't although it wouldn't have taken a minute with everyone in robes it would be like undoing a Christmas present wouldn't it I had some of those treatments

as well I went into a room and she said lie on the table on your stomach, she said, but before you do that, choose a candle. And I thought, I'm in the wrong... Am I in the wrong room? And she said, there's two

candles, I have a smell of them and see which one you like best. There's exotic and oriental. Those are the two types. To me, they're much of a muchness. Yeah. But I said, well, I like the oriental. Those are the two types. To me, they're much of a muchness. Yeah. But I said, well, I like the oriental smells nicer. And what they do is you lie on your back,

you get a bit of massage, and then they, when the candle's melted a bit, they pour the hot wax onto your back. Well, onto all over you, really, eventually. And then they rub that in. They rub the... Like a seal. Like a seal.

Exactly. And you could be carried on horseback and convey a title to someone. I could. Yeah, I said... I think it's extra. Yeah. You had stuff to do. I think medieval messenger.

Yeah. Extra £10 is what it says. They pour hot wax onto you. Yes. Does it hurt? Yeah. Is it fine? They pour hot wax onto you. Is that painful? Yes. Does it hurt? It's hot, but not for long. It goes cold quite quickly on your skin. Yeah, but it's rubbed in.

If they really worked at it, they could make a fabulous mould. Are you then covered in a waxy layer like a sort of edam cheese when you finish it? Like a baby bell. No. No, no, I wouldn't like that. That's almost leathery isn't it i'd like that i'd have the edam massage but can you just leave the eye holes please because i'm going for it hula hooping after if you had that baby bell thin bit around the middle you could just pull it all off oh i've got a baby

bell thin bit i worry that's my business when i've had a massage once uh an adjacent bench to my wife i was that's nice thailand yeah yeah it was nice but she got distracted because i was groaning with appreciation i was going oh yeah no woman wants to hear that from an adjoining time don Don't like that. And I had no frame of reference. I didn't know if that was allowed. I think it's... The Thai woman doing it didn't seem bothered, but my wife thought that it was a bit above and beyond.

I think you'll find most of them wear industrial earplugs. Oh, do they? Are they using a gritter or something? They don't want to hear that. Now, I wouldn't groan. I try and keep it very medical. Now, I wouldn't groan. I try and keep it very medical. Because at the end of the day, you're in a room with a young woman,

you know, robbing your semi-naked body. You've got to keep it medical, otherwise it can lapse into sordid, and I won't let that happen. Right, I think maybe that's what she was worried about. I don't talk. I get in and I talk. But once hands on, mouth shut. Because I think you don't get the full appreciation if you're bantering, you know what I mean?

You've got to concentrate on being relaxed and massaged. You can't chatter. I just make my mind a complete blank. It's like switching the telly off for me. Obviously it's still on standby. But, yeah, I don't think about anything, really. Just, you know. Oh, I'd be lying there. I'd be going,

oh, yeah, that wax is hot. Oh, yeah, rub that. See, I imagine you would make Northern remarks. How much is this wax? You're wasting it. Yeah. Ooh, that's reek great. To me, that would spoil it. Yeah, I'd have to have my own cubicle, I suppose. And I went to...

They have, like, a sort of Edwardian drawing room so you can go and sit in and read and stuff with a log fire. Lovely. It's quite an old building. And a man was in there, gave a talk on meditation. Oh, yeah? Lawrence, his name was. And Lawrence, who was a man who was in his 70s, said that he'd been in a, he'd been driving

recently in the area and had a near miss with old on him. It's that extra cup of tea before he left the house. But no, he nearly hit another car and the car had pulled up and a young man had turned his

car round and basically more or less forced Lawrence off the road. Stepped out turned his car around and basically more or less forced Lawrence off the road, stepped out of his car in a terrible display of road rage, gone over to the car, swore and abused him. And as soon as Lawrence saw the guy approaching the car, he started meditating. Wow. So it was like his water off a dog's back. Swear, swear, swear, aggressive, you know, get out of that car and knock your head off. And then he said after the guy had gone, it just meant nothing.

He didn't care about it. Wow, it's like Borg McEnroe. I love that. I'd love that. Suck your brain off. I went out for a Japanese with David Baddiel the other night. Sounds like an aggressive start to a story. Nice turn of phrase. Meal. And we left the restaurant fully sated.

Or was it sat-aid? And we was walking down the road and this guy suddenly appeared and looked at the two of us and he said, are you two married? And I thought, what's he getting at? Right? And then he said, you're like Ant and Dec, aren't you, but like with grey hair.

And I thought, it's two of us, we could just smash his face in. Not many people about. I mean, not kill him, but, you know, batter him. Get close, yeah. Yeah. Just smash his face in. I'd love that. Yeah.

Obviously, it's part of all of us that would love it. But I just said, are you drunk? And then he slightly sort of folded and started saying, I've just come down for the day and all that, anyway. And afterwards, I thought, it really annoyed me that. It sparked my night. And then I thought, I remember Lawrence, though.

And I just thought about it, and you know what? It just drained away. That's good. As if I was wearing a very heavy cloak made of, say, house bricks. And then I just untied the bow at the front and it just slipped off my back. I didn't care about the bloke. I can talk about it now, I don't care.

That's good. Yeah. I need some of that imagery. Yeah, I think we should all learn that. Various people that I constantly fantasise about beating up. Yeah, well... But it's not... How is the wife?

Why? Is this something that men do, fantasise about punching people? Because I really don't like physical violence. And if I see anyone trying to punch someone in the street, it always looks rubbish as well, because no one can actually punch anyone. But it's just a horrible thing. I once saw a guy trying to stamp on a guy's head on the street. It always looks rubbish as well, because no one can actually punch anyone. But it's just a horrible thing.

I once saw a guy trying to stamp on a guy's head on the floor. Right. And it made me want to cry. It's just such a horrible, horrendous thing to do. I'm crying now, just hearing about it. Yeah, me too. But why that sort of rage? I tried it once with Alicia Dixon, but I couldn't...

It was like trying to kill an ant on a thick pile carpet. So, have we heard from the outside world by the way i always uh oh yeah we've had uh we've had some emails in i love the email the emails are often more thoughtful aren't they because they're not dashed off and they're yeah there's more characters to play i think it's a difference between Test Cricket and 2020. It can be very exciting, a text, the in-show text. But you feel that the emails, they're composed. People have pondered. Yeah, I like that.

And there's nothing quite so ponderous as Test Cricket, is there? Can I say I love Test Cricket? I love Test Cricket. I've thrown it down for you. I love it. I really love it. Don't mind swimming against the tide love test cricket. Throw it down for you. I love it. Really love it. Don't mind swimming against the tide, me. Throw it down for you. I can see that from your hair.

Email, hi, Frank and Co. There we go. That's when I was doing this with Lord Co. Email. What a great radio double act. Well, I thought you were doing judo with William Hague, didn't you? Yeah. But, you know, the Olympics, I thought, you know, try and get a bit topical. What a great radio double act. To go back to doing judo with William Hague, didn't he? Yeah.

But, you know, the Olympics, I thought, you know, try and get a bit topical. Hi, Frank and Kurt. I just wanted to say I've very much fallen into the trap of using quite old language fairly regularly. This is something I was talking about reasonably recently, about saying, see you on the morrow. Oh, yes. As well as crikey and good lord being very much in my day to day vocabulary wow he sounds like he's an easily startled vicar doesn't he

crikey and good lord upon finding a rather good deal on an xbox 360 console I exclaimed egads that's the truth I have to say that was Shakespeare's favourite quiz show. What was?

EGADS. EGADS. What I like is he's combined their 16th century talk with a computer game. It's brilliant. It's a beautiful marriage of modern and old. It is. It's like if you were diagnosed with scrofula going...

Yeah. Or word up or whatever. Exactly. Perfect. However, that fails in comparison to accidentally seeing my sister naked. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did this come from? He's not put any inverted commas around accidentally. I can just say that it seems to be...

Thank goodness for that. Split an infinitive as well. Oh, really? I hope he didn't get that for you. However, that fails in comparison to accidentally seeing my sister naked, where my word of choice before quickly turning away was gadzooks. Ah, what? Yeah.

Gadzooks. Naturally said, gadzooks. So he's claiming. Well, she might have gadzooks. Comic book heroes speak. They might be badzooks. I think her zooks are great. It could be.

I've never met his sister. Maybe that might be her sister's name, Gad. Maybe. And she has fabulous ooks. Yeah. He's finished his... Maybe she lost both her hands in an accident. He's northern.

Gadzooks. Gadzooks. She's got these big ooks. Oh, gadzooks. And she's naked. He's finished with a, I'm 24. That's the sentence. Isn't that sort of plaintive, I'm 24?

I think he's just letting us know that it's not like an old person saying these words. He never said gadzooks when he accidentally saw his sister. He said sorry first, presumably. He's claiming gadzooks. I don't think there's much kudos to get by lying about something. I'm not suggesting he's lying for a second, but it's incredible. No, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. You know, it's one of those very embarrassing moments, isn't it?

You just think that... That's his go-to word. Yeah, that's his first port of call, is gadzooks. Yeah, maybe he's been watching a lot of the 1960s Batman that's on ITV4. I don't think you'd find a Gadzooks in that, would you? I'm sure there's a Gadzooks in that. He'd have Holy Naked Sister.

Ooh. There's another email. They were a good band. Holy Naked Sister. Oh, yeah. That girl with the bangs. Do you remember her? No.

Oh, OK. Simon Hoare has emailed in. Oh, no, she was nice. I met someone for the party. And Simon, originally from Liverpool, now in the Antipodes, says, read the recent horse discussion. Horse? Horse.

I've always maintained that, A, all horses are ugly, and yet, B, they all look the the same i put this to my horse loving wife who has a horse she describes as handsome to prove my point i downloaded nine random pictures of how many handsome uh 13 oh okay i downloaded nine random pictures of horses from that their internet plus one of her own horse, Dusty. I then mixed them up and challenged her to select the photo of Dusty. This is a bit like the British slideshow. It's perfect.

That I experienced on Christmas. I love couples. It's effort. Yeah, he's gone and he's found some horse. He's obviously gone for ones that look a bit like Dusty. He hasn't gone for a bay mare. Yeah, he's not put a pie ball. Or he hasn't gone for a that look a bit like Dusty. He hasn't gone for a Bay mare. Yeah, he's not put a pie ball. Or he hasn't gone for a grey or a palomino. He's gone, I imagine that, I'm guessing,

does it say what Dusty is? No. It'll be a chestnut. Dusty presumably is a dark-toned, a midnight-toned horse. You wouldn't call a grey horse Dusty. Well, I don't know, maybe it was in storage for a long time. In a second-hand bookshop, that's where they found it. And, well, you can guess the outcome.

She couldn't pick him out at all, despite her spending most of her waking hours with him. There's a slight edge to that. Yeah, there is, yeah. There's a slight edge. He's been neglected for the year. I think this merits some further discussion, the horse recognition thing,

not her spending all her waking hours with him. That's another matter entirely. I suppose one of the problems is that if her waking hours, I imagine, include a lot of riding of Dusty. They need grooming. You can't spend your sleeping hours with the horse, either.

Well, you can. You can sleep right. You'd have to stand up. There's a manger or something about. Yeah. Dusty the horse. Boots us all. It is, isn't it? She couldn't pick...

I think the horses must have looked similar. It's a line-up with horses. I think you would have similar breeds. Yeah, he must have gone for... There wouldn't be a My Little Pony chucked in there. It's all right having a manger about, as long as somebody's prettied it first. That's what I think.

What he's done, I mean, as you say, I think, as a basic point, they do look pretty similar, but, hey, they are the same species, you know? It's like this thing, do you remember that cloning offer? Some American company was offering a cloning offer, and you could have your dead dog, your living dog, you could have some of its DNA taken away. And they'd clone, they claimed that they'd clone a dog.

And they said, so if your Alsatian dies, then they can build another one from him, a new Rex, is the idea. But they said it doesn't mean it would have the same temperament, nor would it Rex is the idea. A kit dog. But they said it doesn't mean it would have the same temperament nor would it look exactly the same. And I thought, hold on, this is people charging $10,000 and basically giving you another Alsatian, isn't it? It is, yeah.

And I wonder if this brings it to, the fact is horses being the same species look slightly similar. I like the idea I might have sneaked in, say, Stacey Solomon. Picture. See if she picked up on it. That's not very kind.

Well, she's attractive, but in an equine fashion. Handsome is what I'm calling her. I'm a bit unforgiving of her, because I saw her on Celebrity Mastermind over Christmas. Oh. And I thought, first of all, everyone who's met, I haven't met Stacey, but everyone who's met Stacey Solomon tells me she's really, really lovely. Right.

But Celebrity Mastermind, I thought, it's a mockery. It's a mockery of the format. And her specialist subject was the in-betweeners. Oh, really? Her specialist subject was the in-betweeners. Oh, really? And the first question revealed that she couldn't name all four of the main characters. Now, I'm sorry, but if you're going to take that as your specialist subject,

I think your cramming, your swatting up should involve the names. Maybe relatively it's her specialist subject. She knows more about the in-betweeners, main characters, than she does about other things. Oh, no, no, it's being unkind. I'm just speculating. Anyway, maybe it was a horse on there, it was a mix-up, that's why they couldn't do another. They do get away with a lot of crimes, though, don't they,

horses, that they do and then nobody can identify them. Internet fraud. Yeah. Helpful. Helpful looking like the rest of the exhibition. I think often they work in a nose bag. Like when robbers wear ski masks. Exactly. Or the old, you know, they wear a sheepskin nose band and people arrest whole cove.

What about the victims of crimes horses as well? They get stolen all the time. They do get stolen. That doesn't happen to Dost dosti they're lost and found dosti's in new zealand you've got stuff to do you can't be going to the dosti's in new zealand originally from liverpool now the antipodes yeah okay well that's fair enough well that's probably why he had the time to download nine random pictures of horses and show them to his wife, because he lives in New Zealand.

There's nothing else to do there. What do you think he exclaimed when he proved her wrong? That's not the same person. Not the same person. Did he say, ha? Could it be said that Dusty actually sleeps upside down? You could. Goes round the plug hole the other way.

Yeah, I bet he does that. Let's see when we go down there. Did I mention that we're going to visit him? Are we? Yeah. I've got stuff to do. I've cleared my diary. Oh, what else? I'm just scratching. What else?

Well, I've been really enjoying cucumber recently. I'm not joking, though. Did you not enjoy it before? Well, I've always liked cucumber, but it just occurred to me about four times in maybe the last week, maybe we had a particularly nice cucumber.

You know, sometimes you get a bit of food and you think, oh, this is a really good one. But it occurred to me I've been really enjoying my cucumber recently. Does it really have any flavor cucumber well this one did it was fantastic i've always thought it's really a small plate for cottage cheese oh is that what you do with it well it tastes one of those um a lot of salad items taste just like someone's made something out of tap water yeah but lettuce cucumber yeah maybe you've obviously is it homegrown no no it's not even a

grown and the other big mysteries i can't work out whether or not it's from the fancy schmancy organic cooperative grocers or it was the one from tesco's that was reduced like the battery cucumber yeah the battery yeah i find uh gm has GM has often got a nice little taste to it. I know it's condemned, GM. I'd been in the fridge for about a month and a half. It was still delicious. It's matured. Yeah, what could go wrong?

Are you sure it isn't cheese? I've been dipping it in hummus. Is it the dip that tastes nice, though? The dip is nice, but the cucumber itself... You see, you are using it again. I think the cucumber's like a spoon for dip it's not it's not really well all i'm saying is that it's made me feel genuinely happy i like cucumber and in drinks when i find them in drinks cucumber and pims i always think it's a lovely addition of course i spent most of christmas

with one on each eye well yes did you do at the health farm. Did they do that? Yeah. That is one thing I remember about my mum. The older people, I noticed, getting it done, they're getting used to the idea of coins being placed there. Isn't it in the mouth, the coin, though, across the river Styx?

Oh. For Sharon, the ferryman. I was thinking of a sort of Irish wake when they used to put... Is that right? Sharon, the ferryman. I was thinking of a sort of Irish wake when they used to put... Is that right? Sharon, the ferryman, across the river Styx. I think you put a gold coin in your mouth. Sharon?

C-H, not S-H. OK, Sharon. Not birds of a feather. It's the ferryman. Not birds of a feather. No. It's Sharon, C-H. Maybe it's not pronounced that way.

No, well, I'm happy with it to be pronounced that way. I'm liking it. Do you remember that old Ken Dodd joke? What a day. You know, we used to start jokes, what a day, what a day. What a day for shoving a cucumber through the vicar's letterbox

and shouting the Martians have landed. Is that a joke? Brilliant. Ken Dodd. Yeah, Ken Dodd. Genius. Yeah. Walking is one of my big happiness things.

Really? Oh, God, I think it's... Me and my girlfriend and her sister. One boy... We, um... After the last show before Christmas, we met at Waterloo Station. We got the train to Windsor. And then we walked back. Oh, lovely. We walked at Waterloo Station. We got the train to Windsor. And then

we walked back. Oh, lovely. We walked back along the river. Nice. In three days. I think the longest. I think we did one 20 mile stretch. Great. Pretty good going. And, oh, there's something I've never walked before, but I've never walked home

like that before. Usually I walk off to somewhere and then get the train back. There's something nice about walking home. It's sort of, I can see what pigeons see in it. Because you know the pigeon thing is often, they take them away in baskets and they fly back. They don't walk. That would be an interesting day.

But ending up at home and you're straight into the shower and that greatest thing of returning from any trip, you know, your own toilet. Yeah, nice. So, yeah, that made me very, very happy. And I began the journey in winter with a complete cartwheel. I did one cartwheel at the beginning and then I... Really?

Did you bookend it with another one? No, I didn't. I always do that with a walk because I don't, I don't like being dictated to. And the old Chinese saying about the longest journey starts with a single step.

I know, you know, the way things are going economically, we're going to have to get used to being told what to do about the Chinese, but not yet. You begin a walk with a cart can you walk the whole way along the river yeah well we had to we had to go off the river a couple of times but not far we didn't stray far i i like the river that that part of the thames is very beautiful good get the

swan the swan will accompany you swans amazing. They're my second favourite creatures to human beings. It's difficult to carry off a long and curved neck. You do it well. Swans do it. I'm not sure. Yeah? You don't like swans? I'm not sure I like swans.

I like watching them land. I like watching them land on water. That's what everyone says about swans, that they can break your arm. But they don't always choose to. But, you know, human beings can break your arm. Yeah. Ice skating can break your arm. Ice skating can break your arm and cut your hands off.

Yeah, and I don't like that. What do you like? Tell me something you like. You could break someone's arm with a cucumber. You could slip on a piece of cucumber and break your own arm. Fat cucumbers, the other way. Cucumber is often used to display things' sharpness, isn't it? When a magician's going to do a trick with a sharp knife, he gets a cucumber out and he attacks the poor cucumber. You're right.

Whereas, why not put a swan under that knife? No, you've gone too far. You've gone way too far. The queen, they belong to the queen. Absolutely, yeah. The queen's the only one allowed to weave them. I think they look... I don't like geese, though. I don't like geese. I like swans, not geese. Swans have got... I'll tell you something that happens to swans. When you walk in and it starts to get a little bit dark,

swans seem to get a little bit whiter. Yes. I think there might be an internal bulb. I think they're a bit like those Chinese lanterns. No, they do. They glow in the dark. They do glow. Yeah, they get a sort of sheen.

I love that. I love that. There aren't enough creatures that glow in the dark. I was saying that to, they get a sort of sheen. I love that. There aren't enough creatures that glow in the dark. I was saying that to... Well, they can breed them now. Pardon? Didn't they breed mice that glowed? Glowed in the dark? Glue in the dark?

What's... What glowed in the dark? It would be glue. Glue in the dark. But glue in the dark. The glue in the dark. A novel by Meryl Maynard. Yes, I... Oh, no, I like all that. That sounds great to me. I'll tell you what I did. I got some blisters on my walk. And when I got to the health farm, I saw a chiropodist.

And I said, could you have a look at my blisters? And she said, yeah, I've got a couple of blisters. You've also got two verrucas. I have never had a verruca in my life. Can I say, not only can I not swim, but I'm frightened of water, so I never ever go to swimming baths. I've got Verrucas.

Can you look at the injustice of someone who doesn't swim getting Verrucas? They were the child health scare of the 80s. It's like Anne Widdicombe getting an ST. Well, anyway. I don't know how that's happened, the Veruca thing. Did it impair your visit to the health farm? Did you have to wear Veruca socks even when you were going in the steam room or whatever?

I had to wear those, you know those big flared boots? Yeah. Like the cat wears in Shrek. Yes. I had to wear those but in white flannel. Yeah. and they rob they rob like billiard I'll say that

do you remember billiard god he was abrasive so anyway I've got to get them frozen the verrucas frozen off well I, frozen off. Well, I presume frozen off. Yeah. I don't think it's so they'll keep.

And don't laser them. Pop them in the back of the fridge. No, I don't think they'll lay. She says you need to get those frozen, but I won't do it now, she said. You can't do it yourself at home. Well, I'd just sleep with them in the freezer. Now that would be dangerous. A couple of ice cubes.

I had a verruca a couple of years ago. Lasted about a year and then went. Just went. Didn't get it done? Well, I had a verruca a couple of years ago. Lasted about a year and then went. Didn't get it done? Well I had a go at doing the, there's like a cream you can get, pop it on. Oh you took the cheap route didn't you? No, just I think when I went to the doctors they went oh I just put the cream on because it's easier than freezing

it off and then we don't have to call you back and all that. Once again you took some sort of northern approach. I have a vision of an orthopaedic clog. LAUGHTER