The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 14th March 12

Episode Date: March 13, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun, they discuss inanimate objects that make you angry, Tom and Jerry and growing up.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

How do you like them apples? Nice. Oh, hello! Absolute Radio Like the 90s, football, swearing. Oh, I like that. You say that as if you haven't been on every programme on telly for the last three months or six months or whatever it is. That's me, isn't it? From the 90s, from yesterday. Mr. Humble, that's me. Kate Humble, they call me. Some people. I'm with Alan Cochran, the cockerel. And I'm with...

Oh, no, you've switched. I can't hear myself speak now. That was my big Martine McCutcheon moment, and it's been ruined. It's gone. It's gone. Producer messing about. I hate that.

You can do it now, can't you? I can't do it now. You know when the moment's gone. I do know about when the moment's gone. OK, I know the moment's gone. Can you please introduce me, though, at least? Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, yeah, and Emily Dean's here as well.

Oh, that's nice. Lovely, that is. So, what about this? I went for a walk. I talked to the tree. I went for a walk. Sounded like it was going to be a blues song. It isn't.

With my girlfriend. Kath, I call her. And you know what the producer is doing? She's hovering. my girlfriend. Kath, I call her. And you know what the producer is doing? She's hovering. I wouldn't mind if she was hoovering, but she's hovering. Someone else is doing that upstairs. Is something wrong? Have you got a problem? No, I just wanted to check the time.

You want to check the time? I think what you need to do is ask a policeman. Frank, have you got a problem? It's all gone a bit taxi driver. Can I ask you something you're talking to me does how's it going a bit like that um your fringe has changed by the way oh you've moved it you've changed you've moved it into a bit of a jennifer aniston do you know why i can't be bothered to have botox and it covers wrinkles that's a brilliant idea isn't it maybe

i need to grow my hair back i just think Botox is expensive and disfiguring. I'm not going down that road. It's a bit late for me. I'm going to have to get a throw. Yeah, like a big throw. Maybe a Venetian blinds. Yeah, get a big fringe. Phil Spector might have some wigs going spare.

It does. I'm not using them. It suits you, though. It's good. I like them. You looked in the mirror and thought, I'm going to move my part in. I love it when people make a big hair decision.

When Cliff Richard... We were in a podcast. I remember Cliff Richard went from quiff to beetle fringe and then said, oh, well, what happened was I just came out of the sea and my hair was all down on my face. And I thought, well, I'll just leave it like that. And he thought, no, you didn't do that

because it would be down to your chin when the big quiff on fell at least mine is honest botox avoidance yeah broken britain haven't got the cash for it at the moment it's a lovely story can i ask you something then so with kath because she's obviously i think cliff is is just he just consists of botox there is nothing else to cliff she's got a lovely bump at the moment so does that mean, is she still fond of a walk does she tire easily

she does she walks a bit slow for my liking you know I am a man who likes to put on a sprint when I'm walking she's about seven months pregnant now I've got to be straight with you, it slowed her down.

Yeah. I can't work it out, you know, the bumping cars, they're erratic, if anything. If anything, they get faster. Yeah. And that's what she's taken on. They're certainly harder to control and steer, aren't they? Well, she's certainly harder to control and steer,

but she was quite hard to control and steer. Anyway, we went out and it was raining. So, obviously, i put up an umbrella that's what people do when it rains oh no and um she went oh which i would say is her catchphrase yeah oh man to time say that and i said i knew what it was because she's made this point before she's anti-umbrella i said come on it's raining too heavy to just um and uh and then there was a bit of a gust of wind and the umbrella tremor oh you nearly blinded me then i said no it didn't go anywhere near it nearly blocked you scratched my nose with it i definitely didn't touch her nose with it absolutely deaf she said you what wait now wait you'll see the scratch will come up on my nose i said okay i'm i'm prepared to wait

and you had a standoff yeah so we waited didn't there was no scratch didn't emerge and uh and then it went into the... So you're accusing me of lying now. You're saying it didn't touch my nose. And it all got very difficult. But I sense now from your response, Cocker, that you're actually with Kath. I'm totally with Kath.

Really? I can't bear umbrellas. They do my head in. And my relationship almost mirrors yours, where my wife opens one and I will go in a little huff and walk behind her or something. You shelter under a little huff. No, but people that open umbrellas...

There's something about the act of opening an umbrella that robs a human being of their spatial awareness and they immediately start bumping into particularly people's faces with the umbrella and fundamentally humans are waterproof so it's irrelevant doing it, like just wear a good coat

or, like you don't dissolve I quite like a little umbrella tussle it's a bit Ben-Hur it is a bit Ben-Hur it's like being Boudica I don't like a golfing umbrella you know those big businessmen It's a bit Ben-Hur. It is a bit Ben-Hur. I only have a little... It's like being Boudica. I don't like a golfing umbrella. You know those big businessmen?

Well, I agree. That's too much in the street. I think you should be taxed on that. I think that's like mansion tax or something. That's fair enough. Kath said to me, get a cagoule. It's not antisocial. Which is true.

I've never heard that said of a cagoule. She's right. I do this thing. When I pass people and I've never heard that said of a cagoule. But I do this thing. When I pass people and I've got my umbrella, I hold the umbrella really high. My arm goes to full length. And I hold the umbrella so high, I couldn't possibly scratch anyone. You look like you're leading a pack of a tour guide.

I think it's quite my great painting, I like to think. I look like Mary Poppins, just about to take off. Yeah, but that's how you do it. You can be a bit careful about it, I think. It doesn't sound like you were, though, does it? Well, it did not

touch her face. I would say if she thinks it did, that's enough. it you don't want to be walking alongside a person who might have touched your face and they don't know it it's it sort of proves that your spatial awareness wasn't quite bob on doesn't it what about when they turn upside down with a cheap cheapy one god that's depressing that's so humiliating that's happened to me someone's you know been wearing nice clothes i look together and then the umbrella goes inside it what was the point in wearing nice things they don't work that's another thing so humiliating That's the other thing. in there. What, so you lower it? I turn it around. I don't try and get it back myself. I just turn around with it all blown up

and turn around and it just blows back down again into position. Frank, can I ask you a question? Do you favour the sort of, it's almost like a gun action really. You know when you have the little plastic button? Yeah. I don't like that because it can be temperamental and it can break. I like the old fashioned just push it up yourself. I know

what you mean. Don't you feel terribly sad when you walk past a bin and there's an umbrella in it? No, I feel happy. Do you? It makes me happy. I'd like to see, like, ten umbrellas in a bin as I walk past. You know, you say it's like a gun. There's actually a school of thought that during the JFK assassination,

there's a figure in the background called Umbrella Man and they believe that he might have fired a dart at JFK because the technology existed at the time from an umbrella? Yeah, to shoot from an umbrella. It's a very sunny day.

It was a really hot day and there's a guy in the back with an umbrella up just as JFK goes by and then he pulls itk goes by you solved this case it's been going on for years believe me there are pages and pages about this online if you're interested really yeah yeah there's a figure called um umbrella man and was he a conspiracy theorist was he on the grassy knoll no he was along a bit with another guy who's uh that was the vip area exactly there was a velvet rope around the grassy knoll i would have been there sorry are you one of the assassination i'm not sorry you can't come in here well i believe a guy came

forward saying he was the umbrella man and they they're not sure i don't believe him someone turned up they looked at their laminate and they say, oh you're an assassination team but I'm afraid you're a book depository window. Not dressing up. You're in the wrong place. Geoff! Geoff! Can you see this man up to book depository window? Okay, I'll phone Lee

and tell him we're coming up. Okay, brilliant. It's like Live 8 in the Golden Circle all over again. Never been so stiff with stress i well i don't i just think they're brilliant uh i i see what's nice about them is that it's nice for sort of being a bit secret if you hold them a little bit low over your face people can't see your face it's nice oh i don't even like that i don't even like a pulled down cap i don't like people to not know that i can see where I'm going.

If somebody's walking towards me and I can't see their eyes, I think, how do I know you're going to evade me? Do you know what I mean? How are you with sunglasses? I'm alright with them, but that's because usually I think they can see through them. Maybe if you get an umbrella that is transparent.

Yeah, they're alright, actually, transparent umbrellas. I once saw an umbrella that had a window in the front. A plastic see-through window. That's good. But it's still spiky on the edges. I hate those spikes. As you know, I invested heavily in the umbrella hat,

thinking that that was going to completely take over from the handheld. When I saw one, I thought, well, that's it. That's it for our handheld umbrellas. We'll never see them again. We'll keep a couple of handheld umbrellas, because in 20 years' time, no-one will remember they existed. Yeah.

Didn't catch on. Looked a certain tit at me, the umbrella hat. I saw it in the Innovations catalogue. Yeah. That's one of your favourites, I know. I've got one. I've got one. I've got one! Yeah, I honestly have.

Red umbrella hat. Well, the hat is sort of a... It's flesh coloured. It looks like it's growing, emanating from my skull. But I honestly thought it's one of my great bugbears. I cannot work out why the umbrella hat didn't... I thought it'd be like when the automatic

gearbox was invented, you know. That people would stop going manual. Yeah. Yeah. But now... You know, you're going to get a wooden full-size rocking horse from that listener that's emailed offering it. I think you should perhaps do a swap.

Give him my umbrella hat? Give him your umbrella hat or one of the other items in your house that has come up on the show. But I've got to admit that it's part of me that still thinks the umbrella hat is going to You were in early. It's going to, yeah, it's going to and then I'll be of the frustration of saying

I was saying this about umbrella hats Oh yeah, sure you were. I did, I've had one for years, I've always said they were brilliant. Anyway. You've aligned yourself with Steve McLaren, really, by your love for the umbrella. That's true. I hadn't thought of that.

That's not a good idea. The Wally with the brolly. The Wally with the brolly. Well, there was no danger of him having anyone's eye out, because no one would go within 20 yards. He was a pariah. Pariah Carey, they called him. That's what they called him, as far as I know.

Well, Frank, I'm sorry you had to run in with an umbrella. I didn't. Oh. That's my point. It's not the only inanimate object I hate. I hate loads of inanimate objects. What else do you hate? At the moment, I'm growing increasingly concerned about my wallet.

I'm starting to hate it. You're not the only one, love. Getting a big George Costanza-style wallet. It's bulky and... Who is George Costanza? He's on Seinfeld. There's an episode where he's got a really fat wallet and it's giving him backache because he's sitting on it.

It's a famous episode of Seinfeld. I'm not one of those people who say, it's like that episode of Seinfeld where... Oh, right. There's a whole... I am. Yeah. Whole people who say,

oh, this is like that... What's that thing with Larry David? Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah. Oh, this is like that Curb Your Enthusiasm, isn't it? Those are the two things I think people mainly use as examples. Episodes of Seinfeld and episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah.

Don't put Cockrell in some Venn diagram, generalisation. In the America's Best Venn diagram. That's OK. I'll take that, yeah. Hotel remote controls, I love them quite often. You know when you're in a hotel and you want to just bob the telly on and sometimes you have to press OK like 10 times before you get to be you think this my life's ebbing away here while i just keep pressing yes tv menu yes channels list

yes whatever else it is and then you just go almost just to see a bit of the one show before my gig or whatever you see i don't really watch the telly in a hotel. I haven't got the heart to turn off Welcome, Mr Skinner on the screen. You're kidding. I love Welcome. How lovely, it's on like a screen. This is the 21st century. I like that. I like when they do the montage of the hotel amenities.

A little bit of music playing. I hate having to go through that every single time I put the telly on. I watch that 24-7, it's never off. Really? You two are strange. It's never off. Really? You two are strange. There's all sorts of restraints. I was in a hotel and they had what would it be? I think it was a telly

long ago. It was Chronicle of Riddick. Remember that? No. It's a sci-fi movie. And I thought I'd really like to see that. It was on there, sort of, you know, ones when you press. But I thought, if I go and on the bill it says movie, no one in the world is going to think that I've watched a sci-fi movie. They're going to think I've watched Smut.

So in the end I didn't watch it. So I was prevented from watching a perfectly reasonable film by the decadence of others. And also your reputation from various bits of your previous stand-up. Well, that's also true. The decadence of others is the title of my new book, which I urge you all to buy.

That conversation, is that over? I found it stressful. I'll tell you what I hate, guys, is drinking glasses. I find... No, hear me out on this. I actually dread sometimes getting a glass out of the cupboard. If I think, like, I'll, no, hear me out on this, I actually dread sometimes getting a glass out of the cupboard. If I think, like, I'll have some apple juice, okay. Let's say.

Let's say, not vodka. Then I think, I weigh it up. I think, can I be bothered? Because this is what has to happen. You have to get the glass out, then I pour it. Then when I can't put it in the dishwasher, because it leaves a kind of Alka-Seltzer residue all over it. You can't manage that. Yes, which is all smearing, often Alka-Seltzer in my case, to be fair. But I can't bear that. It's like it frosts the glass.

Yes, so I have to do it by hand. So then I have to wash it. Can't have the water too hot because then it might smash the glass. Then I have to put the washing up liquid. Then the drying. Do you know how long it takes to dry a glass by hand? I think it's eight and a half minutes is that right but that's a lot of time is it eight and a half minutes that was a guess it

probably takes me about six to dry a glass to get all the smears out i want it to smear free i'm a bit phobic about smears on glasses i don't do you just drink apple juice straight out of the carton with the fridge door open? I have sometimes, yes. Yeah, that's the obvious thing. Yeah, that's how I eat a lot of meat, just with the fridge door open and just my face half in. Really? Yeah, that's how I do quite a lot of my eating. You'd have been a great

lion. If I lived alone, I don't think I'd ever use a glass at all. I'd drink everything straight out the bottle. When I was in my dark alcoholic years, I used to get up in the morning and drink water straight out the tap because my hands were too shaky to hold a glass. Is that true?

Yeah. Absolute radio. You never hear Christine O'nell say stuff like that do you so frank uh this week i had a bit of a bonding experience with my niece mimi and i decided i was going to share with her one of my favourite films, which is Ferris Bueller, which I'm sure you both are familiar with. Yes. Who isn't?

Well, exactly. It's a great film. Except my girlfriend's sister, Rachel, looks exactly like the girl in Ferris Bueller. Yes, she does. She really does. She does. Mia Sara, I believe her name is.

And she was married to Jasonason connor and robin of jason connery robin of sherwood wow mia sarah mia sarah mia sarah unless that's mia colpa carry on so we sat down to watch ferris bueller and maybe hadn't seen it before no how lovely to show children the the films of yesteryear. That's what I thought. We had our little slanky things on. Yeah. I look forward to sitting down with my child and watching D.W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation.

It's about the rise of the Ku Klux Klan amongst other things. They have to learn. You can't bury your head in the sand. Carry on. And next week we're watching Nazis your head in the sand. Carry on. And next week we're watching Nazis, a warning from history. Oh, yeah. Our request, not mine.

There is a colour version of that. The kids, they won't tolerate the black and white. World War II in colour. It's not all Nazis, but obviously they feature heavily. How else are they going to feature? What, lightly? Whimsically? So, as you know, Ferris is obviously

a bit of a cultural icon, isn't he? Warning's a bit of an overstatement. Right. I'm trying to talk about Ferris Bueller and you're going on about Nazis. What about the Nazis? A raised eyebrow from history. A quizzical look from history. The Nazis, a hint from history. A quizzical look from history. The Nazi's a hint from history.

OK, so... A frightful wink. Carry on. So we're sitting there watching Ferris Bueller, and then something... I had a terrible, terrible epiphany whilst I was watching it. That comes with age. Well, it does frank because i realized something i found myself sympathizing and actually feeling very moved by the plight of

the socially responsible headmaster and all the authority figures and i hated ferris and his friends i thought they were horrible unpleasant people hey man we killed the car isn't that that's not cool our father father spent... Destructive. Yes. And they're trying to skip school and he's trying to educate them, that headmaster. Do you know I had a very similar experience with Schindler's List? I still haven't seen that.

This isn't going to be a spoiler alert, is it? No. It's quite bleak. You won't like it. No. It's black and white as well, isn't it? Except for a red coat or something, isn't there? Is there just a red coat? Yes, there's a red coat at the end.

That much I know. Kids will watch the black and white. Sarah the Poisoner held her thumbs aloft, which is the first time I've ever seen anyone do that at the mention of Schindler's List. No, you're quite right. No, it's a... As you can imagine, it's quite a bleak story.

Yes. But it was a strange transition, that, for me, because it was for the first time that I was actually aware I'm proper authority now. I'm establishment. I hate those kids. I hate their attitudes. I hate their irresponsibility.

I hate their arrogance. It's an interesting, I'm calling it a sea change, even though I'm not totally sure what that is. Is it short for chord change? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Someone will know.

I'm sure the sea's going back out. Is that what it means? Presumably. I'm guessing. OK. Sea change, yeah. Is it spelt S-E-A? I thought so. Yes, I believe so, yeah.

This is an interesting bit. Now, these are my favourite bits. You see, I'm not a man who can let things pass in conversation. If somebody says something, I don't quite know what it means. And I've probably used that phrase myself, but I don't know what it means. I don't know what it means! C-change.

I don't know what it means! That's how I would have done it, like, 40 years ago. That's how I would have responded it like 40 years ago that's how i was responding to ringing in my ears from that now yeah i also find myself identifying with the i'm gonna call her she's the sort of thick calves that are featured in tom and jerry oh yeah she used to be called mammy two shoes but i don't think that's allowed anymore. Did she? I never knew she had a name. Yes, she did. It was Mammy Two Shoes. She's the one who goes, Thomas?

Yeah, she says Thomas. But I'd actually like to know more about her, because I'd like to know more. No, but I'd like to... She's quite an interesting character. She's trying to run a house. Yeah, exactly. Didn't they make a film of her recently called The Help?

Was that it? No. Is that how they meant The Help? The camera finally panned up. I haven't seen it. I suppose you're right, though. That's how society has progressed. In the old days, we just saw her feet.

All there was was just, she was some sort of cipher. Yes. But now, as you say, she's centre stage. That's progress. I'd like to have known her internal monologue. I don't care about theipher. Yes. But now, as you say, she's centre stage. That's progress. I'd like to have known her internal monologue. I don't care about the cat. Yeah. Instead we have to hear about the cat all the time. I like her stripy

Mami Touche. Stripy sock. I always imagined with that woman that they were knee socks. Yes, me too. Yeah. It makes me think of Last of the Summer Wine when he goes, ooh, that wrinkled stockings. Yeah, but they were taught her stuff. Frank, you don't happen to know

one of the senior members of crew involved on Tom and Jerry, do you? I know the producer was Fred Quimby. I love that. That's his party trick. No, it's... He knows the producer. Don't you think that's brilliant? He knows the name. It's one of those things.

You actually know him? No, he He knows the producer. Don't you think that's brilliant? He knows the name. It's one of those things. You know what? What, you actually know him? No, he just knows the name. We once did a thing about how trivial information sticks in the mind, and producer Fred Quimby from the Tom and Jerry's. Oh, yeah. Always lived with me. So I know Dallas executive producer Philip Capice, that kind of thing.

I never liked Jerry much. No. Jerry was the mouse. No, that was a quote from schindler's list no i never i never liked uh jerry i tell you what jerry was the most naked of the cartoon characters oh really i mean obviously there's a lot of cartoon characters are naked or semi-naked. I think Yogi Bear wore a collar and tie and a hat. Yeah. Nothing else. Yes.

But he was completely naked, but also he stood like you do when you're naked. Oh, OK. Yeah. I felt the embarrassment of nearby nudity from Jerry. Well, in art history, that's the difference between nude and naked, isn't it? So he was naked as opposed to nude.

Yes, he was definitely naked. Whereas Tom was also naked, but you never... You know what I mean? It wasn't in your face. So he would have been nude rather than naked. Yes, Tom's nude and Jerry's naked. Jerry stood in a sort of provocative fashion.

People have written essays about this, haven't they? Probably. They must have done. He would lean. He's one of those. He'd put an elbow on the skirting board and stand with like a crossed leg. Oh, like those girls in the sun, I know, with a glass of champagne. Yeah, he was very, very come hither, I thought.

Jerry! Jerry. Come hither, I thought. Jerry, it's come hither! I can imagine shots of Jerry and Lucy Pinder on a yacht hosing each other down after some baby. Yeah, there was something weird about him. I think my moment when I realised I'd basically got older, because I hate to say it, this is what's happened. I know, you're right, Faye.

I hate to bring it up in such a bald way, but that true was when i met um i was single at the time and i met a a very attractive woman in a in a bar and she um she said you know we were talking and she said you know we should i think we should spend more time together. You know, we should meet up. And I thought, well, this is tremendous news. And she said, I think you could be my Mr. Miyagi. If you remember, he's the guy from Karate Kid. And she said, you could sort of teach me about life. I didn't like the sound of that. It's not at all what I had in mind.

Yeah, and I backed off quite quickly. But when I watch Karate Kid, I see myself as Karate Kid. Oh, right. But now, if I watched it now, I think I'm face-to-face with Miyagi. You're in a different casting bracket. Yeah. You don't like it. Yeah, in the same way that I'm one of the staff members at Rydell High now.

Yeah. No risotto for me. No, I think that's probably true. I've seen the A team, and I often worry about when they give B.A. Baracus some food that's got drugs in it, so that he can fly. I often think, I hope they've been careful about the administration of these drugs, because if it's that quick acting, if they've given him too much, it could easily kill him.

Sometimes they don't even give him drugs, they just crack him on the back of the head with a spanner. Ridiculous. I think because he's a big man, there's a feeling that his constitution will take anything. And, you know, as we saw with the great John Belushi, that's simply not true. I think his friends were trying to get him on a plane. And, you know, as we saw with the great John Belushi. That's simply not true. You'd think his friends were trying to get him on a plane.

I think they were, yeah. Go on, have some more, John. We want to go to New Orleans. They were trying to get him to fly, I think, certainly. They were trying to use him as a plane. Was that his only sort of character arc, that he wasn't going on no plane? He wore jewellery. Oh Oh yes, how silly of me

And he was hard He was physically tough He was tough and he wore a lot of jewellery and he wouldn't get on a plane That's Nancy DeLoglia Two out of three I think she will get on a plane at the drop of a hat

But other than that, her and... She won't turn right, though. Her and Mr T. They're like peas in a pod. Frank, we've had some emails in. Oh, I love it when we get the emails in. It's my favourite bit. Well, Cockerel, this is an email about flowers,

someone who's buying his wife flowers or not. I said recently on the show that I have never bought my wife flowers. I remember that. I was shocked. You were aghast, weren't you? You were aghast. But, no, we've had an email in. I was aghast on my own show.

Yeah. Very good. From Stephen Gosling, who's... I mean, he starts his email with, What's going on, fellas? Stephen here in Washington DC, originally from Stockport. Glad not to be there anymore. Is he in Washington DC?

Stockport is an area of Greater Manchester that's actually quite good. I like it. It's got an excellent viaduct and an Adidas sale shop. Well, I once... Funny you should say that. I once went to the uh adidale uh adidale adidale is the yorkshire version of adidas i went to the adidas uh health center and had one of those you know those fitness tests that last about two and a half hours you have to put a big like pipe in your mouth and i don't mean like a mission i mean like a

that doesn't sound like a fitness center not pipe in your mouth. I don't mean like a meerschaum. I mean like a... That doesn't sound like a fitness centre. Not pipe in your mouth. You have to read a newspaper while sitting in a leather chesterfield. It's a weird old fitness. I don't know what I was up for, gentlemen's club. No, I had to run on a very high-gradient running machine. Like a hill.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And with a tube in my mouth and all things stuck to my chest and they tested my fitness. Wow. But they did loads of other stuff. That was all there in Stockport. It was in Stockport?

It's all happening in Stockport, at the Adidas place. Oh, okay. I must look that up. He's in DC now. Yeah, he's in DC. Well done. Brilliant to be in DC.

Dun, dun, da-dun, dun, da-dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. He's in DC now. Yeah, he's in DC. Brilliant to be in DC. I was listening to the Car Salesman podcast when Alan brought up that he had never bought his wife flowers. I also have never and will never buy my wife flowers. And here's why. They symbolise death. A gift that dies within a week of your purchase is just a slap in the face to the recipient. You're basically saying...

Oh, no, I shouldn't have bought Cass that mayfly. That's going to go down badly. You're basically saying I care about you for a week and that is all. No! This is my favourite bit. If you buy someone a watch or a pair of shoes, that is showing more love as those gifts have a longer shelf life. And then actually my favourite bit is he puts,

that is all. If you buy someone a watch, is he writing this under dictation from his partner? Yes, and put shoes and watch. And watch. I like it. Or a pair of shoes. I don't know if it makes you think.

I don't think of those as like killer heels. When he says a pair of shoes, I'm thinking know if it makes you think. I don't think of those as, like, killer heels. When he says a pair of shoes, I'm thinking of some sturdy... Oh, me too. Like, they're comfortable footwear, aren't they? Yeah. He's getting some decent... I'm thinking prison warden in Bad Girls. Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking. Maybe his partner is a prison warden or nurse of some kind. Exactly. Which is fine. Well, I don't agree with that. I like the way he's thinking. I don't, funnily enough, Frank. You can't impose your own symbolism like that, I don't agree with that. I like the way he's thinking. I don't, funnily enough, Frank. You can't impose your own symbolism like that on things.

I could say that flowers represent other women. They have a fragile beauty and an enchanting scent, but, you know, give it a few days and suddenly they seem withered and dreadful and smell horrible, whereas the love for the person you bought them for goes on forever. Yeah. Good night. I'm not sure how that would go. Also, I don't really...

Hello, darling, I bought you a bunch of other women. What? I bought you a bunch of other women. But don't worry, they'll wither. Yeah, I think you could say it's comparing your love to the flowers. Your love goes on forever. I say forever. Let's not go to the flowers. Your love goes on forever. I say forever. Let's not go over the top. Also, I don't understand

where he gets this idea that because they don't last, because they're perishables, therefore they're not worthy as a gift. Well, that ruins... That's chocolate out. That's dinner. Yeah, I expect she doesn't get much of that. Yeah, no chocolate. And, uh... I like the way that we're looking at you accusingly.

I feel like I'm on... don't buy them an ice sculpture no that'd be gone yeah can't buy them a dog what you're saying our relationship's gonna last what 10 to 14 years I mean where does it end where do you stand

on the gift of a tattoo Stephen that last phrase gift of a tattoo how do you do on the gift of a tattoo, Stephen? That last phrase. Yeah. Gift of a tattoo. How do you do that now? A surprise gift. Just get a tattooist in. Yeah, and what you do is you get the old B.A. Baracus drugs in the food.

And then when they wake up, they've got the wreck of the schooner Hesperus on their back. Anyway, where were we? Well, I love this show, you were we? Well I love this show, you know that? I was away last week You're aware that I was away from last week's show You were missed

I want to tell you something I've been hating myself ever since You were in prison I did a couple of tour shows I did a couple of tour shows You know I'm a hair can't thank. I did a couple of tour shows. You know, I'm a stand-up comedian. You're aware of this. Yeah, I must have meant it to slip my mind.

Alan Ticket's still available, Cochran, they call me. And, yeah, I did two shows at the Lowry, which is near my home in Manchester. Oh, yes, I stayed at the hotel. Lovely. Nice, yeah. I didn't. I stayed in my own home, which is also lovely.

But I've been loathing myself, because on the Friday night in the sold-out show... I've often been loathing myself after I've stayed in a hotel. Oh, this was after I'd done the show. OK. There was a man on the front row who I talked to about insurance, and whilst I was talking to him from the stage, I noticed that he didn't have a left hand, he had a metal claw almost like

i don't know how many fingers were on it i'm talking to him and i'm thinking don't mention his hand because it's kind of good to not talk about it makes me a bigger man to not but he was on the seat right by the aisle so i would would say perhaps as much as 50% of the audience could see that he had a metal hand. All right. And I think I should have mentioned it. I think I should have said. Bit of a glint from the spotlight.

Yeah, something like that. I think I should have said, what's the story here? Because it could have been amazing. What were you talking to him about? I was talking to him about insurance. It's terrible. It's the one that didn't crop up, isn't him about? I was talking to him about insurance. It's terrible. It's a wandering crop-up, isn't it? Yeah.

Well, he worked in insurance. Did he? Yeah, and I just wish that I'd said... Maybe his hand was still in the till. He might have had a good story about it. I don't know whether or not I should be giving myself a bonus point for having not mentioned it. I once said to a bloke in the front row, I said, anyone got any kids?

You got any kids, mate? And he said, not alive, no. He didn't. He did, and I thought, just say no. He could have just said no. Yeah. Don't ruin the night for me and for everyone else. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you've got to be careful. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have. That's been plaguing me. I mean, imagine how long Ross Noble would have talked to him for. Yeah, but the metal claw as well. I mean, how... You'd love one of those, Frank. Can you get one of those?

Well, no, but you do spend a large proportion of your time inserting strange objects up your sleeves, pretending they're your hands. Well, I do do that. Let me give you an example. Bananas I often use. Croissant. Two croissants makes a fabulous decaying lobster claw

no i thought this bloke though do you get a choice can you have because most people just have like a it looks like a hand like a rubber hand do they say like you can have a flesh hook or sci-fi i'd have gone for a more mannequin vibe yeah it's what i'd have gone for a more mannequin vibe. I think is what I'd have gone for. I wish I'd asked him now. I really do. I think, I don't know. But you'd think, as I say,

when you talked about insurance, he must have gone to Injury Liars for us. What are they called? What are they called? For us? For you? Yeah, I think there's lots of... Well, really, they should be called for them. Mm. You tell them.

That's my view on... Oh, I can't say that, apparently. And there are many other injury lawyers available. Mm. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.