The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 16th May 12

Episode Date: May 15, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss Gardening, hairy armpits and Steve Davies.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Ah. So, this is Frank Skinner.

This is Not The Weekend podcast. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Hi, Frank. Hello. Well done. You can have your jingle next week, Alan. That's Dino. That's not over jingle the pudding. Don't ever call me Dino. Let's not over-jingle the pudding.

Don't ever call me Dino. I told you I was called that once by an ex-boyfriend and I hated it. It was a deal-breaker. Did he make Dino sore? Thank you. No, but he called me Dino. That'll be in the next Flintstones movie. Frank, I won't be called Dino in the bedroom, and that's all I'm saying.

Because you're so groaned. No, I think that's fair movie. Frank, I won't be called Dino in the bedroom, and that's all I'm saying. Could you say groan? No, I think that's fair enough. Yes. I was once reprimanded during a physical act for doing... Physical act? For doing W.C. Field's voice. I think that's fair enough, looking back. Can you just speak to me, Emma?

Can I hear you properly? Speak to me. Oh, can you hear me? Just about. Yeah? Only just. It's, you know, a slip shot. Let's put it that way. A slip shot.

Well, that's it. There you go. We're actually doing, we're adjusting as we go. Can you believe it? I think we should keep all this in, though. Adjusting as we go was the song that didn't make Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It's very catchy. Adjusting as we go. Can you believe it? I think we should keep all this in though. Adjusting as we go was the song that didn't make Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It's very catchy. Adjusting as we go. Adjusting. Can you imagine that with them sort of

messing about with their belts and shoe buckles and stuff. Adjusting as we go. Adjusting as we go. I hated those buckles they wore. What was all that about? Are they not on trend? No, I just thought they were a bit aggressive and sort of heavy metal.

I didn't like them. I think for the... Because of their height, I think it sort of made it all right. They were non-threatening. And also they were earthed. Built-up shoes. So I went to a...

Well, I went to two places this week, I went to a garden centre in Chelsea and it was really lovely, although I did have a sneezing fit which I wondered if that might be pollen related but it was a really beautiful I said to the young girl I said this must be a lovely place to

work as one would expect from a young female assistant. What is it with those people? But I don't think, I imagine nobody that isn't enjoying their job really likes being told that it should be a lovely place to work. Do you know what I mean?

Exactly. Like if she's got a moody boss or something like that and then there's people coming in and standing amongst the daffodils and saying, oh. She had a moody boss. It's a lovely it's a rose. The name for a rose. A mo a moody boss. It's a lovely... It's a rose. The name for a rose. A moody boss. Yeah.

It's like a purple thing. Yeah. I had a couple of cuttings. I don't know what that means, but my dad used to say it sometimes. I've always been ferociously anti-gardening because my dad used to make me go and help him in the garden.

Oh, really? So I'd put it right off. And I never seemed to be touching any plants. It was all bamboo and string, the sort of things we had to do. Oh, right. We had to build a cucumber frame. Really?

Did you? Par exemple. Was Shep digging up the plants often? I bet he was. He was, and he'd have been thrashed within an inch of his life. At different times, weren't they? It was, yeah.

I tell you what my dad would do, sometimes he'd take a parsnip out of the ground, get his penknife and just trim the... and sit here, eat that. To me, not to Shep. Shep was... He wasn't allowed within a country mile of your dad's parsnips. He wasn't big on vegetables, I'll be honest with you.

He used to bark outside the butchers for bounds. I've never once seen him barking outside the greengrocers. They're not interested. Anyway, so it made me think, you know, maybe I've been wrong to turn my back on gardening. Not only that, I mean, I don't have a garden, but I don't even have any houseplants at all. I've always put a complete veto on them.

You're a penthouse dweller. Yeah, but I could have a yucer. Oh, you could, Frank. It'd be the most 70s thing I've ever done. It does feel like this chat has descended into euphemism when you say you're a penthouse dweller and you say I could have a yocker. What is the code?

Can I have the key to this chat? We've been doing it so long we don't even know ourselves anymore. I lived in a house with a garden and I had a gardener, actually. Lovely. Who used to come round and do it. And what was brilliant about it, it sounds quite grand, doesn't it, having a gardener, but he was quite a posh bloke. Oh, really? Great.

And I used to talk to him about what I wanted doing and I could tell he was thinking, well, what's going on here, do I? Yeah. The horse is pulling the car. No, the horse should pull the car. The car's pulling the horse. It was like the social spectrum had been turned upside down. He wasn't happy with it.

Well, you are something of a poster boy for social mobility. Well, I like to think so. I think for the nouveau riche, particularly. Yeah, one of my idols. Yes. Frank, as you know, I've got a sort of concrete patch. Well, it serves you right. You're saying something about that, aren't you?

The concrete patch, it's a difficult area to tend, Frank. Does one tend a concrete patch? Well, do you remember me talking earlier about how U2's gardener was going to come round? Oh, yeah. I'd got a contact via J-Ro, Jonathan Ross, and it turned out to be U2's gardener. And you questioned, did U2 all just have the same garden? I thought it was a fair enough question. They have a square with a house on each side,

is the way I imagine they live, and they all meet in the middle and talk about chords and drumbeat things. Yeah. Do you think their lawn has got a very neat edge? Oh! Thank you, thank you. Do you know, I love that um should we leave it there yeah

okay good night everyone uh but then i i panicked frank because i just felt i thought he might find my concrete patch wanting he was used to the scale of you too yeah Yeah, exactly. So I got another gardener in. Still by Jonathan Ross. All my handymen come by him. My computer man, my TV man. He tended the garden of then Jericho. It was a bit of a, it was a smaller

smaller patch that was. So carry on. Then Jerry Carr's gardener turned up and what happened? Well, he came out and he brought a boy with him. And the boy did all the work, to be honest.

He was a bit of a kind of 80s man. Very nice. He didn't do anything. He just told, he art directed, he pointed and the boy... Fair enough. He was landscaping.

That's the key to management. Is that what he was doing? It's delegation. The key to management is delegation. It's like Frank, he doesn't operate the air conditioning himself, does he? He just stares into the middle distance and says, I'm warm. People put two and two together. We leap to it. It's like that.

You don't leap to it. I don't. I don't get my hands dirty with any manual labor. Not even operating air conditioning. But did you find with your gardener, Frank, I felt quite stressed because I like to talk to them. So I felt I had to keep the door open and the cold air was getting in. I didn't like that. No, I didn't find that at all. Oh, didn't you? Why not? Did you just not talk?

I don't think he wanted to. He just couldn't understand why I wasn't togging my forelock. All over his concrete patch. That's why he couldn't work out. No, I am, what put me off having a garden was I was in the kitchen, I had my kitchen aborted the garden. It was, you know, it was a lower floor kitchen.

And one night, blow me, if an East European woman wasn't looking through the window from the garden. And I knocked on the window, you know, and shooed her away. She didn't go. So I went out. As you do, as a day-in-the-hour leader.

I remember as I stepped out, I thought, I might never step in this house again. This could be some notter with a knife. You know, she looked like she was terrorised in some way. So I went out, and this woman was, she was sitting on the floor in the garden, it was dark as well. And I said, you know, who are you? And she said, I have to stay here, I have to meet Christian.

Oh my God, the OC. Oh no, you don't think it was a breakfast show? Scam. Oh, my God, the OC. Oh, no, you don't think it was a breakfast show? Scam. No, she said, I have to meet Christian. And I said, you've arranged to meet in my garden. What kind of a rendezvous point is that?

And I said, no, you have to go. She said, I can't go from here. I have to meet Christian. I think the OC had lied about his address, so he seemed a bit more posh and verified. Maybe. But anyway, I phoned the police. Did you not think it was just that her... I did.

Was her English just a bit broken, and she was trying to say, I have to meet a Christian. Well, maybe. And she saw you as a religious poster boy. Yeah. I can't remember if it was... There are a lot of poster boys today. Was it a feast day?

Maybe she'd come round for ashes. Anyway, I phoned the police and they came and took her away. Oh, good. Yeah. It's a lovely ending to that story, really heartwarming. I hope the end of this is, and then I woke up and it was all a dream. No, no, it definitely happened. But it put me off.

I thought, that's the trouble with a garden. There's access. For the Eastern Europeans in the middle of the night looking for Christians. Just for anyone to turn up. No, they do get in. They will. It's something of a hazard.

But surely in your house... There was a time I would have invited her in and we'd have had a brief relationship, but those days are gone. Is that all someone had to say to you? I'm looking for Christian. It would be brilliant, wouldn't it? And you'd say, well, I do.

It would be brilliant on Mr and Mrs, how did you meet? Well, she was in my garden one night. She was having a terrible episode and was in quite a bad state. And we made love. I'm an opportunist. I am an opportunist, yeah. How often?

How often do you... It's like when Tess go at home, or whatever it's called. It's not often, actually, in your own garden. I didn't have to put me outdoor shoes on. I just beckoned her in. But it didn't happen. By then I'd stopped behaving

in so flamboyant a fashion. So I just found it frightening. Basically. So that's put me off gardens. But I'm thinking houseplant. Lovely. Have you got a garden now? Yes, we've got a little back garden.

We also have an allotment, which I made a mistake of... Of course you have an allotment. Of course he does. I'm going to be absolutely honest. I do not go. I'm not... Does Mrs Cockrell tend to the allotment? Mrs Cockrell goes and...

You have a whippet and an allotment. Yes, and live in the north of England. And a flat cap, yes, I've got it all. Do you have a flat cap? Yeah, yeah. Oh, in fact, I've got two. I don't like to brag. Have you not seen it?

I'm doing very well. He looks a bit... Two? No, he looks a bit sort of Backstreet Boys in his flat cap. Oh, really? Paul Drummer in the Backstreet Boys. Is it one of those modern ones where the peak is part of the general curvature of the cap? Or is it one with a separate peak?

No, it's... You're hesitating? Don't lie to me now. It's just a flat cap. I don't know what to say. It's just a flat cap. Well, there's the ones that look a bit like the cycle helmets and there's the ones that's got a separate hard peak.

I know what you mean, Frank. No? I'll bring them both in next week. I think you're being willfully obstructive. I think you know exactly what he means. I'm genuinely not being willfully obstructive. You realise you've got two trendy flat caps and you don't know why you're not. No.

No, they're not trendy. They're distinctly not. I mean, one of them was a gift. Well, actually, no, both of them were gifts, but one of them was more recent. But anyway, they're just flat caps. You didn't win it as part of your northerner of a year goodie bag. I was at the Great Yorkshire Show and it was a throw-out.

Anyway, so I'm thinking houseplants. Lovely. I've always fancied, since I was a child, a Venus flytrap. Oh, yes. Because I've never actually seen one, I don't think, in the flesh. Well, you know we were talking about things

we don't believe in. I'm not sure I believe in them. You don't believe in the Venus fly trap? I don't really understand the principle of them. Explain to me, boys. Well, they're like... Yeah, they're two... They open up and they've got like... They're a bit sticky. And they smell, I think, like dog mess.

And the fly thing's eye up, breakfast, heads towards it. And as it lands, it's a bit sticky and the fly can't get off. And then it closes like an envelope. If you can imagine a fly in an envelope. Is it just flies then? It doesn't trap your finger or something? No, I think it will eat any kind. I imagine you could, you know, having breakfast, you could throw in a bit of

bacon, right? It's like a very nice waste disposal unit. Yeah, but it's got to be meat-based. You can't put tea bags in there, no. No, you need something a bit meaty. Maybe a used plaster. Lovely. If there's a bit of blood on it, it'll take that. And then gradually it starts saying, feed me

Seymour, and it becomes a musical or film. What is it? Good reference. Little Shop of Horrors. Yeah, but I'm thinking I might get Venus Flytrap because, I mean, I don't, you know, why is it annoying when you get flies in the house?

So you're killing two birds with one stone. Well, actually, two flies with one plant. With one Venus Flytrap. Yeah. So I'm assuming that they'll live in our climate. You know what I'm thinking? This new readiness to take on the care of a plant is because impending fatherhood,

and you're realising, well, you know, I'm responsible enough now. Maybe you're right. I'm about to embark on looking after a human. They're just further down the food chain. And you take on an Asperdistra. If a plant dies, then it's fine, you just move on. But can you imagine the tragedy of Kath coming in and the house in chaos, me with the crying baby,

and there's a disposable nappy wedged roughly into the Venus flytrap. And then that time to go to the bin. A last ditch attempt to dispose of it. The poor... Coming from the plant. Of course, if you swallowed that, there'd be flies galore after. Oh, it's like Renfield in Dracula, eating the flies. Is it?

Yeah. Try the audiobook. All his references are Dracula-based, FYI. They do seem to be for the last few weeks. I've nearly finished it now, and then it'll go away. Well, Frank, we've actually had an email in re-Dracula. Oh, yeah? This is from Fiona.

She says, it was actually, we were talking about non-believers. Do you remember that, A couple of weeks ago. Things that we don't believe in. Well, like the cockerels don't believe in feeding the sly traps. Exactly. And there's some other things I don't believe in, which I couldn't possibly say on a commercial radio station. No, no, I'm glad you kept those off air.

Many of your topics have piqued my interest. But most recently was the thing that one does not believe in. I don't believe it is actually possible to be struck by lightning. I do not know anyone who has been struck by lightning, and so therefore it cannot be true. I've also recently downloaded Dracula by Bram Stoker. Excellent.

A little reminder of the writer there, like that. And it's really quite interesting. And I wouldn't go quite as far as to purchase a cloak. More casual cloakism. This is the first time I've contacted the show but overall I just wanted to say... Sorry, it's praise. I know you hate praise.

Thank you, that's lovely. You guys are great and Alan has a really cute laugh. That's Fiona. I've never heard it. I see. Yeah, that's lovely from Fiona. That's weird that she doesn't believe in

people being struck by lightning because do you remember on Saturday's show I was talking about my throwout thing and getting the book at the sci-fi film? Well, that sci-fi film was supposed to end with a Q&A with the director. And I asked the

man who organised the film festival. What are your views on cloaks? Yeah, no, I said what happened to the Q&A and he said, oh, we had a call from the director to say that his house had been struck by lightning. No. So he couldn't call. No. Yeah. And I said,

my first question was, did you believe him? Because it just sounds, he says, yeah, I think so. He sent quite a long email. And I thought, well, does that make it true? But if, would you dare, if you were sitting. Why is he getting his internet connection if his house is struck by lightning? If you were sitting thinking, oh, do I go to the sci-fi festival? What am I, what can I say?

And then maybe you had David Bowid bowie's aladdin sane albums leaf at your side and you thought lightning that's it but you wouldn't would you you wouldn't dare you know you could say a stomach upset you don't have to say my house has been struck by light no but if it's the hitler principle of lie big oh yeah maybe that's the way forward i'm not suggesting hitler is the way forward, but you know what I mean. And actually, I do always think with lightning, I've only ever seen people in the sun

with an imprint of a necklace. They always show that, don't they, how the necklace saved their life and things. Have you ever looked up lightning on Google Images? No, never. Well, page one, it might have changed, I suppose, but last time I looked on Google Images, lightning, there's a man who struck No, never. Well, page one, it might have changed, I suppose. Page one. Last time I looked on Google Images lightning,

there's a man who struck on the back, and the scar actually looks like lightning. Looks exactly like lightning. What were you typing in? White lightning, I think. This was back in the day. Well, of course, that is a fall track. Oh. It's a cover of a... of a, er...

Jean, erm... Miss Jean Brodie? No. Jean, er... Vincent. Pitney. Cover. Who wants to hear this?

No, but... I'm terribly sorry for those of you listening, thinking, what is this, an interlude? Well, you were damn well right, it was. So I think people do get struck by lightning. I bet you some of our listeners have been struck by lightning. But whether they'll be comic tales, I don't know. Or whether or not they'll be able to let us know.

They might just be lying there thinking, it's good to hear this, but I can't respond. Or lying there still smoking. Oh, no, I don't like that at all. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On the subject of your Dracula audiobook, we have had an email in saying,

Hi Frank, I'm the person that stopped you to say hello on Waterloo Bridge today. Oh yes. Sorry for disturbing your Dracula audiobook. I wouldn't normally stop. I said to him, I think, it's lovely to meet you, but I'm listening to my Dracula audiobook I wouldn't normally I said to him I think it's lovely to meet you but I'm listening to my Dracula audiobook

did you have to take the headphones out and talk to him no I spoke to him meanwhile in the background I bet you don't get that from Simon Cowell or Wrighty

if you run into them no probably not he did show me his phone and he was listening to the podcast so I thought he's going to know about the Dracula audio book. I quite often bump into people

when I'm on dog walks and I've got a podcast on and I'm making small talk at the same time. Is that a TV show? Yes. No, I'm doing it. Oh, you're listening to the podcast.

I've got the other podcasts, quite often philosophy ones, or literature, science. Any Descartes? Who? Never heard of him. Descartes, yeah. I'm afraid you put the Descartes before the horse. Anyway, this chap, I wouldn't normally stop a celeb,

but I'm a huge fan of yours and the show, Hi Gorgeous Emily and the Cockerel. But as I was listening to you just seconds earlier, I couldn't resist. What I should also say is that I live in Boston and just flew in yesterday. So my chances of ever saying hello to Frank Skinner again were very slim. I'm in town for a very special occasion. Tomorrow, my mother gets an MBE for her services to charity. I would really love if you could read this out.

As my entire family are friends of the show, thanks and sorry for disturbing you, Rob. Well, had I known you were over from Boston very briefly, I might have actually took my earplugs out. Ear, ear. What do you call them? Earphones. Earphones.

Headphones, yeah. Whatever. Signs. I like a thanks and sorry for disturbing you sign-off. Yeah, I like that. It's a disturbing you sign off Yeah I like that It's a bit Humble It's a bit Mr Cellophane

Sorry if I take up too much of your time I feel bad about it now Do you? But it was quite a key moment But it is a brief encounter I had a thing I think it was Van Helsing's description of King Laugh Which for me is the best bit in the whole book so far.

But this podcast sometimes, or this radio show in fact, catches up with you sometimes, as it has here. I was in the street going for a dog walk and I run the other day, so I had running shoes, shorts, t-shirt. Simultaneous. That's the advantage of having a whip-it. Oh, lovely. You couldn't do that with Shep Frank, could you? Very good for him. He wouldn't have it. Good for having a whip-shirt. Simultaneous. That's the advantage of having a whip. You couldn't do that with Shep Frank, could you? He wouldn't have it.

You'd have to slow down while he pulled his bottom along the pavement. You used to do that thing. Yeah, that they do. Yeah, when they pull there. Dragging their bum on the floor. It's like the opening credits of Ironside. So I'm walking around the corner,

and there's a cafe around the corner from me that I go in sometimes, and we know the... Cafe. Cafe. We know the gentleman that run it, and one of them saw me in my shorts and went, oh, I've heard about those black shorts. And honestly, for about two hours, I was thinking my wife's been in there gossiping,

all the neighbours have been talking about my legs in my shorts. And then I had a eureka moment because earlier that day I'd been talking to him about how they now listen to the show on Saturday mornings. Oh, there you go. And I thought, oh, I talked about my PE kit that I take away to hotels on the show. Of course.

And so when he said I've heard about those black shorts, he meant me talking about them rather than other people. Yeah, you do. Paranoia though. I'm glad he cleared that up. Because I would have found that a little bit sinister. Well, he didn't. I still have no proof. It still could have been a neighbour gossiping about my legs in my black shorts. Perhaps he meant black

shorts in general. I've heard about those black shorts. He's only ever worn coloured or white shorts. Yeah. He's only ever worn coloured or white shorts. He's always thought black shorts might be a hazard because they're not so visible to drivers. True enough. I've heard about those. I've never actually seen a pair of black shorts before.

Maybe he said he did it. They look all right. Maybe he was saying black shirts. It was a political statement he was making. You thought I had one of my history podcasts on. Were you with some of Sir Oswald Mosley's followers at the time? He thinks he looks very Aryan, and he's saying, I've heard about those black shirts.

Well, that's why I don't worry about the black shorts and the traffic hazards. Maybe he saw one of his legs and said, that's an Aryan. I think we're steadily chipping away and getting to the colonel of this. That's an Aryan. The colonel. Colonel Saunders, yeah. Not the Colonel Saunders, no. The K-E-R-N-E-L.

Oh, my legs aren't particularly hairy. They're very pale, though, so it compensates if the black shorts are too dark for drivers to see me. No, I mean, you're lucky they're going to stop anyway because I think it's a zebra crossing. Exactly. Often, I'm walked across.

What you need is a very heavily tanned face, and you will. You'll have the complete zebra crossing set-up. Like that woman who's Frank's favourite woman of the whole year, with the very tanned face. Oh, yeah, the tan mum. You loved her, didn't you? Super tan mum.

Tan mum. I don't know what the fuss was about, but that's another story. On the subject of my leg hair, did you see... Can we just say, though, a congratulations to this woman who's got an MBA for charity work. Brilliant. We don't have her name, unfortunately. Let's just call her Rob's mum.

Rob's mum, well done. And I don't know what the charity is. I'm imagining when you turn up, if you get an MBE for charity work, you have to wear a red nylon wig and a big T-shirt and rattle a bucket at the Queen. Maybe. But well done. And how lovely to have a mum who's got an MBE. Brilliant. Maybe. But well done and how lovely to have a mum

who's got an MBA. Brilliant. Yeah. Worth coming from Boston for? Oh, I should think so, yeah. It's a long trip. You've been to Boston? No.

Cold. Cold when I went. Oh, right. I went in January. It's absolutely... I queued for a shop to open so I could buy one of those.

You know those Elmer Fodd hats that you tie onto your chin? Oh, yeah, yeah. The wind chill was... It was outrageous. Next. My hairy legs provide a neat segue to... Did you see the woman on the telly and in the papers with the hairy armpits?

Hmm. The hairy lady. Did you see her? Emma O'Toole or something? I believe so. I have a theory about this person. Come on, then. Absolutely serious.

Not a comic theory. We should say, shouldn't we? So she appeared on the... It appeared to be... It was quite a slow news week. Was it this morning she was on? I believe so. She was.

And she was in the Daily Mail natch. Hmm. Natch. Because essentially she hadn't shaved her armpits or her legs. And who is she again? She's just a lady, Frank. She's not even a celebrity. A woman called Emma O'Toole, her name is.

Emma, E-M-M-E-R. Oh, I thought she was in... EMA. She's not in a TV programme of any kind. Not to my knowledge. Oh. She's gone off her now. She got on for that reason.

You've actually gone off her. Yeah. No, I tell you, I... You know, we've been talking a lot about things we don't believe just lately. I didn't believe that it was genuine, the armpit hair. Didn't you? Really? There was one photo where there was a slight sheen

as if it was coming from the tape that held it. Oh, no. And I'm not joking now i honestly i honestly think they were perhaps in makeup before and one of the women said oh you know i've got these these were the sideburns for the handsome cab driver in um in downtown abbey and then she said oh look at this then she said oh god that looks great you should put that on and it's all a bit and now they're in a situation where they're ashamed to say, well, actually, we were just messing about.

It seems to be growing in all the wrong parts of the armpit. It was a bit Brian Blessed, wasn't it? It's going too far up the arm. I honestly don't... I think it's a hoax. It's one of TV's grossest pranks. I think it is. There's nothing I love more than Frank when he's got a conspiracy theory cob on. I'm not saying it was a deli... I'm just saying she's turned...

I think the hairy legs were genuine, because it would be too big a job. Yeah. The individual. You could use the hair fix. No, mascara. Make them darker. Or a bit of double-sided sticky tape. In fact, you could just wrap your whole legs in double-sided sticky tape and walk through some cotton wool or something.

Well, I should say, my friend once wrote a feature for a national newspaper about not shaving her legs. OK. And for the photograph, they did use mascara to make the hair look thicker. Oh, right. So a little inside info there. They do that for gentlemen who have fair beards

if they're in the theatre. Is that right? They pop a bit of eyeliner and mascara in there, make it darker. Yeah, I used to... I had sideburns briefly, and they didn't join to the rest of my hair. Yes. So I had to fill in that...

We had to build a sort of a... I call it an isthmus, yes. Yeah, a sort of an isthmus, yeah. I would probably read it as ice smooth. Yeah, it was... I had a hairy isthmus. Yeah, a sort of an isthmus, yeah. I would probably read it as ice-nooth. Yeah, it was that. I had a hairy isthmus. And not a bad New Year. So I don't believe you.

And furthermore, I went out with a French lady who didn't shave her armpit. You didn't have to say the second bit. You just had to say French lady and we knew that. And it didn't bother me in the slightest. Very much so. I didn't... I mean, how often do you see under a woman's armpit?

No, you don't look often, do you? No, I don't have... I look away just a bit. I don't have the gymnastic rings hanging from my bedroom ceiling or anything. All that. Also, I'm inclined to swaddle a one-night stand. Otherwise, I find I flail about and, you know, you could lose a valuable ornament.

But I... I'm just seeing if that's all right to say. Apparently not. The thing I would say about underarm hair is that it traps sweat. So that is a sweat area. You might not be as daisy fresh as ladies who shave, is all I'm saying. Maybe you guys like that.

If it traps sweat, presumably it traps deodorant as well. Whereas I find deodorant just slips right off me. I'm not very hairy on the armpit front. I'm delighted we now all know that. I hardly have any armpits. Well, we've already established

as Kath once said to me, one of the things that first attracted her to you was, the one thing I'll say about Frankie is absolutely spotless. Yeah, she used to say, the great thing about you, you never smell. He's a very clean old man. Lovely. She never said I was a very clean old man. You've added a component to that description. I can't quite work out what it is, but there's something there that wasn't there in the earlier form. Anyway, I don't think it was real. Did you see Amanda

Plattel in the Daily Mail said that seeing the woman's armpit hair made her really want to see her breakfast. She nearly parted company with her breakfast again. She wrote a big column saying how disgusting it was. It was disgusting that she used the phrase, parted company with my

breakfast. It's a phrase I've heard quite a lot from people who think well I don't want to say see, so I'll say I parted company with my breakfast. It's really not. It's a phrase I've heard quite a lot from people who think, well, I don't want to say see, so I'll say I party company with my breakfast and it sounds like I'm a bit, you know, I've done something a bit original. But lots of people say it, so why say it? Put it in a column. If you're going to write something, own it fresh and original, not just using other people's phrases.

Well, she... She also said yikes, which was very plug from the Beano. Yikes, I'm happy with. And her genuine sort of outrage at the idea of a woman with body hair reminded me of when we had a supply teacher when I was about 15

and she hadn't shaved her armpit hair or her legs and the school boys were outraged and repulsed and then you think well she's a grown up woman she shouldn't be so scared of it, just live and let live, Amanda. But it's not like the Daily Mail to use a female writer to hate other females, is it?

I wonder where they get them. I interviewed Shania Twain once and she told me she didn't shave in the winter months. Oh, really? She had a winter coat on. Exactly. Big brown bear. She let it grow. I wouldn't have thought there was a winter coat on. Exactly. Big brown bear. She let it grow.

I mean, I wouldn't have thought there was a lot of warmth in it. Was she swimming the channel or something? I don't know. I mean, she's a country girl, isn't she? So I suppose it's the sort of thing they might do when they're in the Yukon. Yeah, maybe. I don't know why, I was just thinking of men with hairy backs there. That's all.

Where do you two stand on hairy backs? well I should have gone to neck shavers that's what I think I have less hair than I used to have I'm losing I'm malting you're not her suit Frank I'll say that for you no but my hair's now

my legs rather are completely... There's not a hair on them. Well, rather than swimming, you should perhaps take up the cycling. That sounds like you're fit for it. I noticed when you did that swim, actually, you're lovely and smooth. Or shoplifting. If I added a bit of olive oil to my...

They wouldn't be able to get any purchase on me at all. When you're fleeing. When I're fleeing? When I'm fleeing? You know, I'd slip straight through their grasp. So you'd just run in, in a pair of speedos and perhaps an upper body jacket with plenty of pockets and then run out assuming that they'd go for the rugby tackle

but your olive oil would free you. Yeah, they wouldn't be able to. It'd be like trying to hold onto a big carp. Well, you are well moisturised anyway, aren't you? You want to describe yourself as being... I am now, after that mental image. Oh. We're doing way too long here.

People are already at work. I know. You know, they've got the boss. They're at work now thinking, well, I'm one way to the end of this. Here comes Mr Baxter. Boy, am I in trouble when he sees my earplugs, phones,

headphones, whatever it is. Put in your ears. We haven't got time for a quick update on Steve Davis. Oh, go on. Okay. We were talking about him not so long ago. We'll leave you with this one. Sound like your manager. That's what they say, isn't it?

Further to your discussion, this is from Andrew, by the way. I was saying last week, by the way, that if the only person I'd go to, well, one of the people I'd go to Heathrow just to see walk-through arrivals would be Steve the Romford Robot Davis, because I think he's a much more intelligent, interesting man than people think. And we established you wouldn't even talk to him. You just wanted to see him. I'm happy just to see him.

Maybe I'll take a Northern Soul fanzine if there's a throw-out. Well, Andrew says, further to your discussion about former snooker world number one Steve Davis and his Northern Soul fanzine, you may be interested to know that he now hosts a radio show called The Interesting Alternative Show on a local station in Brentwood, Essex. Also, he was once

spotted in the crowd at one of my band's gigs at a pub on South End Seafront. A man of broad musical tastes, evidently. And who's that from? This is from Andrew. Well, how do we know he's got broad? Because we don't know what the band play. I think we can guess. It could be Andrew Lloyd Webber

It could have been a string quartet I think he's making a little joke I think if you Think about this he's a fan of Northern Soul and he's also Going to watch a gig in Southend Is that in the north So he's got broad musical taste

He's going north and south. No, that's not the joke. You've read something into that. No, you've over-analysed it. South End Seafront. It's a joke. No, you can't. Not Andrew wouldn't have meant that. I think Andrew's making a little joke. You've over-egged the pudding. Well, maybe I'm

wrong, but I think he's making a little joke. I was at Andrew Lloyd Webber's house once. Clang. And 11 o'clock in the morning. Stick around for this one. 11 o'clock in the morning, knock on the door. Who is it?

Bobby V. Bobby V? Bouncing back and forth? Not in a shorty silk dressing gown. Rub the bark up. No, he's just done a gig and he's nipped round to Lord Webber's. Lord Lloyd Webber, is that what it's called? In the morning?

No, 11 o'clock at night. Oh. And he comes in and we had a bit of a chat with Bobby V. What, he came into your bedroom? No, I wasn't staying over. Oh, okay. I was just, I was just sitting, I was just, I just had dinner with...

So what did Bobby V have, like a cup of Ovaltine and then everyone went their separate ways? No, I don't know what. He just, you know, he had a... I think he had a vimto. That's how he got his name, Bobby V. That's what I've been told. I'm really impressed by Steve.

I actually, I haven't heard Steve's show on... Is it Phoenix FM? Is that what it's called? Owl? Any... But anyway, I looked up... He's called The Interesting Alternative. Yeah, I looked up... He's called the interesting alternative. Yeah, I looked up and the playlist is... A lot of it, I just didn't know.

I mean, he's... It's really obscure. I mean, he's got Soft Machine. He's playing on a regular basis. Wow. You know, sort of prog rock and... So I'm going to have a listen. I think he's a genius.

Absolutely. It's all, you know, Stephen Fry this, Stephen Fry that. Stephen Davis, that's what everyone ought to look up to. I think he's, honestly, I think he's like Renee Fons-Mell. I know I've only been doing this show under a year, but is it really good etiquette to recommend other radio stations on an absolute podcast? I think it's...

I don't see that... It's the powers that be are listening. I think it's... I don't see that. If the powers that be are listening. I think it's on on a Monday night. And also, to the podcast. You know, it's fine. I just think it's really... Isn't he the perfect mate? Oh, yeah.

He's like a big muso. And he's good at snooker. Yeah. And he's... I'm afraid the Archbishop of Canterbury is on borrowed time. My next move is for Steve, interesting

Davies, who genuinely is. It turns out the nickname wasn't ironic. I tell you, he's the future. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.