The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 18th Jan 2012

Episode Date: January 17, 2012

Frank is joined by Laura Solon and Steve Williams for this weeks podcast, with chat about Frank's awful experience of the January Sales and Princess Anne's no nonsense room with(out) a view

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! Hey, it's, um... What's it called? Yeah, Not The Weekend podcast.

And I'm Frank Skinner. Here, I'm not on Absolute Radio. Obviously, I'm on the internet. But I'm on through the auspices, as we've so often said, of Absolute Radio. I'm with Steve Williams. And I'm with Laura Solo. Hello.

Yes, there are three of us. Steve didn't say hello. He started the show haughty. I said hello. Oh, did you say it? But I said it gentle underneath, so it would sound haunting. I'm with you. So, yes, welcome.

And I feel I want to press... I'll tell you what I want to press. Hello, Mr Radio. Yes. I, er... Let me begin by telling you something that happened to me this week. I had my first go at the January sales. Oh.

Ooh. Now, I let them calm a little. You know, I wait till the tents have gone outside the door. I don't want to be there for the stampede. And I don't want anyone elbowing me as I reach for a pastel sweater.

So I'm happy to get some of the secondary bargains. I'm not to, you know, get some of the secondary bargains. I'm not one of those people who, you know, I saw a full-length leather jacket in the window and I thought, that must be mine. Yeah. I'm going to do it.

Oh, you've broken the chair, Laura. It sounded good, though, didn't it? It's a bit like someone, anyone who's switched on now would think, hold on, are you being served? I've got superhuman strength. No, actually, that chair has broken before. I probably should have warned you about it. I've just got normal strength, then.

Thank God you didn't fall off the side of that. That would have been terrible. Accidents in the home and in the radio booth. Anyway, I went to the sales, and something happened which I hadn't anticipated. I felt I was being stared at. Of course you were. No, but not in a,

oh, that's that bloke off the telly kind of a way. More in a, why are you here? Of course. Why are you here? Of course. When you've got, you don't need bargains.

Because people look at you. It's like seeing Paul McCartney in Poundland. It's like... Well, I get this. I've been... I went in Primark. My girlfriend's a Primark enthusiast. I have to keep her out of there.

She loves it. And when I'm in Primark, it reminds me of this old Jewish joke about a man who walks in and his best friend is in bed with his wife. The first man walks in and his best friend is in bed with the first man's wife. I think I've met that. Let's give them names. It's that confusing.

Let's give them names. There's a Jewish man called Lenny, and Lenny walks into his house and finds his best friend, Morty, in bed with Lenny's wife. Right? Yeah. And Lenny says Morty, I have to but you? And that's how people look at

me in Primark. Because they have to. We have to but you? Where is the sales? I went in some nice shops but there was a real, I felt quite guilty about it. I felt there was a real i felt quite guilty about it i felt there was accusing looks did you offer to pay full price um i didn't but in future i'm never going to a sale ever again what intrigued you about going to a sale why why did you want to

go to the sale to throw out loaves of bread to the people no i thought i just thought i could join in the old bargain hysteria i you know i I think of myself still as, you know, an ordinary guy. Surely by the second week of the sales, there's very limited, limited desirable products. I didn't mind that so much. I didn't like people looking at me saying, you know, why are you taking our cop price stuff?

Did anyone tot? No one tot it. I'll tell you what I felt like. Have you ever eaten the knots off a wintry bird table? I just see him open your windows, see Frank in your garden at five in the morning. Gnawing away. Have you ever done that, though, just as a snack? And then thought, no, what I've done is I've robbed the avians.

I've robbed the avians. What a headline that would be in a confessional magazine. Yeah, so it made me realise that, you know, when you see these things on the telly, you know you get, like, the news footage of the queue outside Harrods for the sales. I saw it this year, and the first ten people in it were all Oriental people who were clearly tourists.

So, you know, they could afford to go. Come over for the sales. Who were ready for the sales. And there was a woman who had a sort of a fur coat on. I mean, it might have been faux fur, but they weren't poor people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know?

Why can't you enjoy a good bargain even if you've got millions of pounds? Because aren't the bargains for people who haven't got millions of pounds? The only reason... Just shrewd? Is that why they've got millions of pounds? Oh, I see. By making shrewd purchases? Oh, it's a chicken and egg debate.

Yeah. Yeah, well, that might be right. I just doesn't... I don't know. I felt guilty anyway. You know, the rich are getting the bargains, and I don't know about you, but you see the homeless, they don't look like people who shop around, even. and I don't know about you, but you see the homeless, they don't look like people who shop around, even.

I think they just go in the first-off licence and pay whatever it is for special brew. Did you deny somebody? What did you deny people? What did you buy to deny poor ourselves? Well, I didn't buy anything. I couldn't face it. I felt too bad. As a control to the experiment, do you go shopping normally? Do you go shopping? Oh, yeah.

You do? So you normally go to town? Yeah, I'm happy to shop. You don't shop around for price differentiation? No, I don't like to shop around. I feel I've, you know, one of the rewards. Privileges. So I don't have to shop around anymore. Me and the homeless, we just buy where we drop.

But, yeah, I did. I felt like, you know, I was a buzzard picking on the bones of the retail crisis. So I'm not doing that again. I'd rather pay full price. What about buying stuff on the internet? You've bought stuff on the internet? Yeah, I've bought stuff on the internet? You ever bought stuff on the internet? Yeah, I bought stuff on the internet. Oh, God, yeah, I recently bought,

um, Johnny West on the internet. Johnny West? Johnny West was, uh, there used to be, you're familiar with Action Man? Yeah. There was a, uh, a Wild West version of that. Not made by Pally Toy. Don't think that

for a second. And he came with a Palomino stallion. He had a little canteen, you know. Lovely. When I say canteen, I mean the things you drink. Yeah, water. I don't mean he had a small cafeteria. No, he wasn't in catering. Didn't have baked potatoes that had been cooked seven years ago.

Mum, I didn't want the cowboy who was in catering. Oh no, the apron. Did he have a thing you pulled back on the back of his head? Did he say anything? Was it one of those dogs? No, he had a hairnet on because he was in catering. He had one of those plasters on his face. You know when you see a member of the royal family

visiting a cake factory? He had one of those on. Why do they agree to those visits if they have to put on those silly hats? They do it for that reason so they look like they're in with the people They look like they're about to do surgery sometimes

Let's face it, if the Queen turned up at a hospital and said I'd quite fancy doing a cruciate ligament operation who'd stop her? Who's going to say no no, Your Majesty, no? Put that scalpel down. If it wasn't life-threatening, I'd let the Queen operate on me.

Just, you know, just for the brag of it. What a story, that bit. Yeah. First I got cat-scanned in a horse scanner, and then I let the Queen operate on me. That is the perfect... Yeah, I'd say, you see that scar? That's by royal appointment.

Yeah, the Queen did that. And leave it ambiguous, just leave it open-ended. I think she keeps rubber gloves in the handbag. You know, she always wears the gloves for handshaking. No disrespect to her people, but always wears the gloves. And they're burnt when she gets back to the palace. They're never used again. Like the ones you use at a petrol station.

You put petrol in, she just keeps peeling them off. Yeah, I'd say I'd happily let the Queen operate. If it was something like, as I say, you know, a knee injury or something. I think she'd be a brilliant surgeon. Well, I don't know about that. Yeah. I think she'd... She's versatile, I imagine.

She's versatile. Yeah. That's what they always say about the Queen, isn't it? Yeah. She's what? She can play the Queen, isn't it? Yeah. She's what? She can play anywhere in the park? Adaptable, yeah. So, look, can we get...

We talked on the radio show, we talked about pets, and then after I discovered a Laura pet story, which didn't come out. My cat eats everything except food, really. It eats bits of paper. Are you sure it's a cat, not a shredder? It's a furry shredder. And it ate through...

There's something that sounds rude about that. I'm not making it rude. I'm keeping it pure. And it ate through some documents, some bank documents I had to scan and send to my accountant. And I had to send them. It ate through documents? Yeah, it nibbled around the edge. I had to send them with an email and I said, sorry, my cat ate my bank statement. Which I suddenly realised sounded like I was saying, and I was very late with these bits of paper.

It had taken me months. He asked for them four months ago and I didn't send them in. Sorry, my cat ate my bank statement. And I suddenly thought, this sounds very the my dog ate my homework excuse yeah and i realized that the truth of my situation was ridiculous and i don't think he would have believed me should i have invented a more believable lie well no i think one should always tell the truth but if it's ridiculous and people then doubt your truth. Yeah, but you know, in the age of the camera phone, could you have not got the cat with some paper morsels on its lips? On its rough tongue.

Extreme evidence attached. I just maybe wonder about ridiculous, ridiculous truths. If anyone ever has turned down a date because they were genuinely washing their hair. I don't know about you. I don't find that a diplomatic excuse, personally. Can I see you Tuesday? I'm washing my hair. It depends how unmanageable your hair is. You might as well say I don't like you, can't you?

People want, I think they want lies sometimes. Occasionally people will approach me and say, oh, at my son's school they have guest speakers, you know, to come in and talk, and often they're local counsellors, but would you come in and talk? And this is a particular incident. It was a sort of religious institution.

And I said, no, I don't want to do that. And he said, why not? I haven't talked to the date yet. And I said, well, regardless of the date, I don't... Like the date was going to change your mind. No, I think he thought... Christmas Day. Yeah, it's the 30th of February, Frank.

He thought I'd anticipated unavailability, but that wasn't it. And I said, no, I just don't fancy it. And he looked really... Put out. Yeah, he went put out yeah you went off you were washing your hair no but i think i don't fancy it should have higher status as an excuse for not doing something because really it's the best reason of all isn't it i can't because i don't want to i just don't fancy no or i've got a headache. No, that's another lie. I don't fancy it. I will have a headache on whichever date it is. Whatever the date is. Yeah, do you want to go to... No, I don't.

I think more people should say that and not stop making stuff up. It is honest. Then you are famed for honesty, right? Am I? Yeah. You've always been honest in your stand-up and your books and stuff. Oh, OK. Unless they're lies.

Because then it's all uncovered. No, no, they are true. But I didn't realise that anyone had noticed. So you felt like you should have let him down with an excuse. Well, have you ever read... When I was a kid, I had a book called The Mersey Poets, and they were all... Roger McGough and all those... The Mersey Poets? Yeah.

And Adrian Mitchell was a Mersey poet, I believe. And he wrote a poem, and it was called something like Reasons to Not Loan Someone Your Wheelbarrow. What a great, great book. Yeah. Was it more poetic than that? Well, not massively. And they were in categories.

So there was things like... Brilliant. Melodramatic reason. Please may I borrow your wheelbarrow. I would rather be broken on its wheel and buried in its barrow. And there was the macabre reason. It is full of blood. Yeah, so it's it is full of blood.

Yeah, so it's a big list of those. I'm thinking maybe I should be more creative. Well, there are a lot of wheelbarrow disputes in the Mersey area. There was a pious excuse. Please may I borrow your wheelbarrow? My wheelbarrow is reserved for religious

ceremonies. It's a vessel for Jesus. That'd be brilliant. Can you do this religious talk, Frank? No, I'm sorry, my wheelbarrow is reserved for religious ceremonies. It's a vessel for Jesus. That'd be brilliant. The guy, can you do this religious talk, Frank? No, I'm sorry, my wheelbarrow is full of blood. Yes. Are they transferable? What is it?

Is it a Joe Wharton play or something where someone can't do something because they're anticipating the delivery of a plum tree? I have said that to people. Anticipating the delivery of a plum tree. People must assume it's a euphemism and wrap their brains. But excuses aren't quite what they used to be. I went to... David Baddiel went to an England game once and he said, you're going to the England game at Wembley.

And I said, no, a mate of mine is... He's a poet, a mate of mine from Cheltenham, and he was doing a reading at a place called the Swedenborg Centre. Swedenborg Centre? In Bloomsbury. Swedenborg was a sort of a mystical... He was a mystic, is what he was. So Dave said to me, I was at the match and somebody said,

oh, where's Frank, as people always do to celebrities. If you see one, you always ask where another one is. That's the rule. So you do. And you say one you always ask where another one is yeah that's the rule so you do and you say uh he said where's frank and he said uh he's attending a poetry reading at the sweden book center and uh never have i let down my brand more than i did an england fan uh he didn't come to an england game because but yeah but yeah that was a true one but I'm thinking maybe maybe you're right maybe I've been too honest with the excuse I do tend to say why I'm not going to do something or not go

somewhere but I think you're supposed to make stuff up I also think if you create an illness that you'll get that illness I always think that as payback so if you say I've got a bad back you'll get a bad back as a punishment. Who's giving out that punishment?

God. And relax. Yeah, God mainly. God mainly? Yeah, what do you mean? Harold Vorderman has a hand in it. Yeah, he might. No, I don't think she'd give out a bad back.

Not anymore. Yeah, you might. No, I don't think she'd give out a bad back. Not anymore. So, yeah. Are you a man? I mean, if you don't want to do something, Steve, are you a man who would just say why? I think I'd probably lie. I take people's feelings into consideration. I'm not like you.

You tell the truth. But you tell the truth, which is to your credit, that you tell the truth, you know. Do you want to do this? I tell it out of respect to those people that I don't want to lie to them. Yeah, but see, if that guy asked me and he said, do you want to do this religious reading? I'd say, no, no, no, I'm a Jehovah's Witness or something. I'd make up a lie, something that's incompatible.

Then you might have to carry... If the lie becomes too elaborate, then you have to end up... And also, what then? Just as you said it, you were hit by a car and needed a blood transfusion. Yeah, and it was there standing over you. And you didn't want to make a fool of yourself so you decided to die instead. I've laid my bed. Exactly.

Yeah, they're difficult. Difficult things, lies. But sometimes they're polite. Moral dilemma. And they're funnier, aren't they? What, if you lie? Yeah, it's a better way of living. Who wants to live with the truth? That depends on your truth. That's the Swiss texting.

Who wants to live with the truth? What else? What else? This week, I've decided, after Christmas and the new year, I'm sort of having a bit of a chuck out. I was given a, of all things, a scented candle for Christmas. Nice. It's a lovely gift.

Are you joking me? I'm a six foot four Welshman. What does that Welshman need for Christmas? A scented candle. Fragrant rings. Well, it's funny you should say that, Steve. I was going to suggest at least a jostick. But there's a practical reason to a scented candle

in that it's... Masks odours. No, it gives you... If you adopt the possibility of there being such a thing as an aromatherapy thing, then it could give a more sort of calming... Influence. Yeah.

In the room. Maybe that's what they should do before boxing matches. It could give a more sort of calming... Influence. Yeah. In the room. Maybe that's what they should do before boxing matches. Cheap by putting scented candles in the opposition's locker room. Good idea. It comes out calm and just gets pummeled in the ring. Yeah, I don't... By the way, can I say if anyone's... It's my birthday soon.

If anyone's hearing this and thinking, oh, I'll get him a scented candle, then don't. Well, I'm talking in abstract terms. If you get me one, I'll get him a scented candle and don't. Well, I'm talking in abstract terms. If you get me one, I'll leave it in a box until, at least until I die. Until the aroma expires. Yeah, exactly. There's probably a day where the scent just goes of its own accord.

Smell by. Smell by day. Where the scent knows where it's not wanted. And it leaves. It's the essence. It's almost like ornamentation if it's a lovely one as well, isn't it? This depends on whether you fall down, whether you like ornaments. I can't stand them.

My partner, she has hearts on door handles and she also has draw liners. Hearts on door handles? Is that to let you know that she's sleeping with someone else? Yeah, ding-a-ling-a-ling. It's like a shot bell. There's another man coming in. No, he means... I walk in more.

I have to, but you? No, Steve means actual awful. I think you should... Actual hearts. Blood on the doorpost. I think you need to look into what she's getting up to, your partner. You find entrails on her door handles. Animal organs.

She's soothsaying in there. Yeah, exactly. She does a lot of voodoo. I'll mention that. What is the, what can I call it, the trending ornament of the moment? I probably think it's the sort of thing that, these sort of things, the medallions for door handles, really. I've not seen those. No, I haven't seen them.

Are they going to be in the Olympic year? Are they going to be a bigger thing? Oh, you mean they'll be like gold medals? Gold medals for the favourite room in the house. Yeah, and then like a bronze for that, you know, the utility room. For the guest bathroom. I love that.

I love the idea of the three doors on slightly different levels at the ceremony where they get their uh handle medallions yeah i i've got um i've got some uh ornaments i think there's i don't personally i don't see the purpose of ornaments i mean you tell me what you like well i grew up if my mom had lots people did then i I think. The trending ornaments of my childhood were, I don't know, these might be before the time of both of you, but you might have seen them in

second-hand shops. It was the cowering mouse in the brandy glass. With a cat hooked on the lip of the glass. Have you never seen this? How big was this ornament? It was... I'd say the brandy glass is...

You know, a big, a big brandy glass, probably about radius... Four-inch diameter, shall we say, on the top of the brandy glass. Then separate... I mean, they're three separate items. That was the great thing about it. So you couldn't... But bought together? Oh, yeah. They separate items, that was the great thing about it. So you couldn't, you know... But bought together?

Oh yeah, they came together in tissue in the same box. So it could be expanded, there might be a dog behind the cat. You could, I suppose, you could. There was a dog, the other probably most popular ornament was an Alsatian. On your mantelpiece?

Yeah, it was an Alsatian. A full-size Alsatian. German shepherd. No, it wasn't, I'd say it was about half-size Yeah, it was an Alsatian. A full-size Alsatian. German shepherd. No, it wasn't. I'd say it was about half-size. But it was... I remember it's front leg... It was standing on a sort of a step with its front legs. So its front legs were a little bit higher than its back legs

to suggest, you know, nobility. An alertness. Yeah. A social climber. Exactly. An alertness. Yes. And also... Social climber. Exactly. An Alsatian on the way up. Couldn't have done it with a cow, of course, because they can't go upstairs.

Not in our house, anyway. That's the rule. They have to sleep in the kitchen. But, yeah, you had a sort of praying mouse, a mouse on its knees, if mice have knees. And then the cat hooked on the side of the brandy glass. So the idea was that it was the mouse's last moment. A precarious nature.

There was a sort of impending doom to it, yeah. Yeah. I think that was how we lived in those days. Sword of Damocles. Yeah. Yeah, well, we could... A lot of... I think some of the private houses across the road had the sword of Damocles.

We had cat in brandy glass. You see, samurai swords, people use those as wall ornaments, don't they? Yeah, they do. Now, I would think that's a little bit murdery if I went to someone's house. I'll tell you what's handy about those is if a burglar does break in... Are you allowed to use them? If you had to burglar to pieces with a samurai sword and the police came and you pointed to two brackets on the wall where the samurai sword

had clearly dwelt as an ornament, you'd be covered. Would you? Whereas if you kept it deliberately as a weapon, it'd be a different story. So you're better off having your cannon stuck on the wall. Yeah. If someone breaks it in, you just fire the cannon at them because it's attached to a bracket on the wall. But it's true.

That's why it's quite handy to use a bread knife or something, because you can say, well, there was just one line there. Can I say... LAUGHTER If you're a burglar tonight, I think just try and reason with them. You'll get more out of them with a kind word. Often they're from troubled backgrounds. They don't need to be hit with a samurai sword.

Who does? And then, of course, I've got a dock in an Elvis jumpsuit. Of course. Which I bought from the Peabody Hotel in Memphis. Where is that in your house? That is on... You know that table that the phone's on? Yeah. That table that's got the map on.

With the note pad. Rotating. Yeah, it's on that. Nice. It's on that. And it's a dock, but it's in an Elvis jumpsuit, and it's one of the later models with the cloak. I thought you... You know, he...

The dog. You know, he added... Evolutionary models. He added the cloak later. And, yeah, I'm quite had the dog. You know, he added the cloak later. And, yeah, I'm quite pleased with that. I bought that in Memphis. What would you say its purpose was, though? I just like that it's there. Really?

It reminds me of the trip, partly, because the reason that you get it is at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, there are these ducks that live in the fountain, because the reason that you get it is at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, there are these ducks that live in the fountain. And every day there's a little procession where they leave and go up to their nest in the top floor and then a later procession where they all come down together and go back into the fountain. It's very lovely.

So, you know, Elvis, ducks, Memphis. It's like buying a wicker donkey from Spain. Yeah, I see that, because there's a memory attached to it. Like, what I can't get mad around is something like people who have empty bowls on a coffee table. They might have had snacks in. Yeah, well, it's just washing up, isn't it, basically? Why would you put that?

I know what you mean, though, because I can't imagine a bowl on our coffee table staying empty for very long. It had to have loose change and a safety pin. Then it becomes a purpose. It has a purpose, a function. My mum, every ornament that we had that operated as a receptacle

had got a steamed-off stamp in it in our house, which she was going to use again and never did. When it came to it, she just couldn't cope with the illegality. I've got some nightmarish figures from the artwork of Hieronymus Bosch

as well. Who was on the wall? Well, they're three-dimensional. Now, what they did, I think it was the British Museum that made them. Are you familiar with the artwork of Hieronymus Boff? But not. He painted these sort of nightmarish visions of hell. Oh, they're nice.

With all sorts of, yeah. What a lovely house you've got. And so there's things like this. I've got a bird-like creature in a red cloak on skis with a piece of mangled paper between its beak. Perhaps. Could be one of Laura's bank statements. Who knows? And then I've got a fish sitting in a high chair eating a naked man. That's the same. I had to move the fish in the high chair eating a naked man because the cleaner had put it just in the way

of where my remote connects with my plasma. And I couldn't work out. I thought the telly was broken. It was being blocked by the um the nightmarish bosch figure yeah apparently it's one of the first times aeronymous bosch has affected um plasma channel flipping yeah exactly but maybe not the last we'll see what happens so i i like an ornament is what i'm why i'm getting there i don't i don't know i see for me it's like have you ever seen truck nuts no truck nuts are for people who have

cars but they feel their cars don't have testicles so they buy truck nuts and put them on the bottom of the car what? as an ornament oh no is that the best thing to stop you getting a travel seat oh you're thinking what are those things?

What do you put on your wrist? They look like an armadillo tail at the back of the car. Do they work? I've never heard of these. I thought you were talking about those wristbands. There used to be a theory, I think probably in the 80s, maybe? The 18th century. You see them on a Ford Capri.

Where people thought that the reason people got car sick is that they weren't earthed. So that you had to have a thing... Yeah, that was the idea, I think. So it had to hang from the bottom of the car but touch the road. So it's like a strip of plastic. Oh, and that earthed you. That earthed you because...

I don't know about you, I've been driving a hover car for many years and I get very extreme motion sickness. No, it's obviously you are touching the road, but with rubber. Right. Which stops you from earthing. Okay. I don't know.

That's what the Pope said. He'll use any old story to stop us using them, let's face it. Yeah, so anyway, I'm pro-ornament. What about that? Good for you. OK. Thank you, and I don't need to hold that against me. Anyway, look, there's one thing that occasionally appears

in the British press which raises my spirit, and it's the Princess Royal. Oh, I love the Princess Royal. Obviously the Queen's my favourite royal but it's so obviously everyone's favourite royal it's not even worth mentioning. Well, she's the royal you'd let do surgery. Yeah. Princess Royal. She's no nonsense.

I would allow the Princess Royal Princess Anne to assist. Yeah. Scalpel. Yes, Mother. That's how it would go. Could you mop my brow, Anne? Yes, my dear. That's it.

Yeah. I like... She's... As royals go, she's quite no-nonsense. Yeah, she's down to earth. And also, she... In order to comb her hair, I think she has to stand on a step ladder.

She has her hair, she started the quiff and she hasn't had it cut. It's just getting higher. I think she combs it round the cycle helmet. That's quite possible. She got it stuck on her head. It's just grown over.

Wouldn't it be one of those horse hard hat things that she's probably got on under there? She thought, no, I'm not going to take this off on and off all the time it's a it's an absolute waste of my time i'm gonna put it on stick it on and grow my hair over it yes i often stop by the police and say excuse me mom but you're not wearing and she just she just separates she separates the quiff at the front whoops sorry mark to show the british kite. What does she do with the chin strap? I think they're mixed into her sideburns. She's got a sort of Abe Lincoln beard.

Have you not noticed that in recent years? I thought it was hard myself, but I just thought she said it as a... She begins to touch it. It was her tribute to the abolition of slavery anniversary. But no, it's a chinstrap. It's a chinstrap hoax. But she's... I had very high regard for it as it was,

and then I discovered in the course of reading a news story this week that it is Anne's ambition to visit every lighthouse in Scotland. And I thought, it don't get any better than that, does it? It's Anne's ambition. She's already... There's 208 lighthouses in Scotland, apparently.

Sounds like an ITV series waiting to happen. It does. It's funny they could talk her into it. I don't know, what would it be called? Lighthouse Antics? Lighthouse Antics? Lighthouse An-tics. Is that what you get now? You made me doubt myself the way you looked at me

when you said that then. Light and Shade with Princess Anne. Yeah, maybe. Love on the Rocks with Princess Anne. No, that's a different show. If only she liked Antiques, that would be much better. Antiques.

Antiques Roadshow, yeah. Anyway, that's her ambition. She's done, apparently, she's done over 100. How many are there? 208. Wow. Imagine when you're doing that, when you're going on, we'll do eight, we'll do eight this weekend.

Do you think she's being sponsored? Let's face it, they all are. By us. That's the system, isn't it? Imagine her in the night driving towards the lighthouse going, oh, no, they're out. Oh, no, no, they're in. Oh, no, no, they're out.

Oh, no, no, they're in. Is she visiting or trespassing? I think for a royal, they can't trespass, can they? Can they just turn up? I think they're like cats. They have roving commission. If I woke up this morning and Prince Andrew was in my garden, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

He's allowed. What if he eats your bank statement? Yeah, I think the underside is if you knock a royal over in my garden, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. He's allowed. What if he eats your bank statement? Yeah, I think the underside is if you knock a royal over in your car, you don't have to report it. And the second person can eat it. They always land on their feet. They certainly do. Don't think anyone would argue with that.

So anyway, she was... I mean, that's not why she was in the news, but I was very happy with that. I think she was... She stayed in a hotel, Princess Anne. Oh, there's a Scottish hotel. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of visiting every lighthouse? Yeah, I don't know. There must have been an adjacent lighthouse.

But I don't quite get why the royals would stay in a hotel. They've got a lot of properties in Scotland. Yeah, exactly. Don't they own it? And also, you know, she could have slept in someone's garden, as I say. And no-one could have done anything about it. I suppose it's a bit cold at the moment. She might have to have combed it into a fringe.

Combed it into a sleeping bag. It's very versatile. Perhaps there is no helmet. It's just very, very heavily gelled for horse riding. Incredibly dense. So, anyway, the idea is, I think, that she stayed at a hotel and they said they'd booked her into a... Is it a Seaview room?

It was a Seaview room and it was £40 more expensive. Yeah, that was the Seaview extra price. Is that what the sea costs? Then it was... In Scotland. It's more expensive than costs? Then it was... In Scotland. It's more expensive than what... Is it a non-sea view room? Or just a room?

Well, you must have stayed in hotels on the seafront where you're looking at the car park. Yeah. Yeah. I stayed... You feel like a winner, don't you? If you can see the sea, that's a sea view. Definitely.

I was in Egypt, and I went with a mate and we were sharing a room, single beds, and it said you can pay an extra, I think that was 40 quid or something, for a pyramid view. And I thought, well, I'll pay. I won't tell him. I'll pay the supplement and have the pyramid view.

And I put a little pair of field glasses in the suitcase and I thought, you know, you'll be able to see. I thought, you know, I can guess how far away they're going to be. But, you know, even so, to be able to see the pyramids. So we got into the room, went out to the balcony. The pyramids were about 50 feet away. They were just there. I mean, these massive, just massive pyramids were right next to the hotel.

Could you see the perimeter of them? Did you even know it was a pyramid? It just looked like brickwork. It was exactly this. It's a bloody wall. They'd actually built it into the side of it. No, but I was amazed at how close they were. I got a cup of the most vile coffee I've ever had,

but I got a cup of coffee. I'd bought some cigarettes at the airport, 20 Cleopatras, 23 pence for 20. And I sat and just gazed at the pyramids. It was brilliant. And in the evening, they were multi-coloured. They had like a purple pyramid and a... Like quality street. Yeah, they lit, they were multi-coloured. They had like a purple pyramid and a Like quality street. Yeah, they lit them.

Yeah, very Jean-Michel Charles, they lit them all up. As if someone had said, you know, well they're all like the pyramids, they're a bit samey. How are we going to deal? Yeah, so that was, that's my favourite view ever, I think. Yeah, I stayed in Sheffield once

and I was um open the window and there's a brick wall about three feet away only you know you know very often that you get that room when you ask for it in sheffield it's a bonus yeah a lot of people request it just lean out the window and sharpen your knives on the brickwork it's an old sheffield tradition i uh well my my flat that i live in is has got an amazing view what does your flat look it looks at london central really you know like you can see is it hot air balloon your flat you can see uh no if it was i'd be woken by it occasionally going... It's like making Kenco coffee in the 90s.

So I... Someone bought me a pencil case, a London pencil case, and it had on it Houses of Parliament, Tower Bridge... ..and the wheel and stuff like that. And everything on the pencil case I could see from my flat. Really? Yeah. That's how I buy property.

I use that novelty pencil case as a checklist. Try it! Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.