The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 1st Feb 2012

Episode Date: January 31, 2012

Frank is joined by Holly Walsh and Alun Cochrane for this weeks podcast, with chat about old objects, wisdom teeth and google brain

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! You can pack up your washing on the Siegfried line.

Um, hello, this is Frank Skinner, and this is not the weekend podcast. I'm sitting in a studio, a slightly different studio this week, I'll be straight with you, with, um, Alan Cochran. And, um, Holly Walsh so we are gathered together us three I feel like I've gone back to school

because just a moment before we began this you said right I'm starting and I said you're starting which was always the beginning of a fight at my school you're starting are you starting? Who's starting? Me and Kath still have our fights beginning like that. Are you looking at me?

Yeah, exactly. You knock over a pint and then it all kicks off. Yeah, you're looking at my bird. You're looking in the mirror. I don't know if I'd tell you, I've bought a kestrel. I was wondering why you were wearing that leather glove all day. Yeah, what were you thinking on? There's a guy who...

I was in Charing Cross Station the other day and a guy walked past with a ferret on a lead. And why not? I've seen that man, I think, and I don't like it. To me, it's an affectation. And I don't know if a ferret should be in Charing Cross Station. It's not its natural environment.

My whippet wouldn't even be happy in Charing Cross Station. Not when it saw that ferret. No, it's definitely not. If they're bombing after it, it'd rip the shell off. The embarrassing thing is that Mike Estrell would probably take the two of them off, one in each talon. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's got talons.

It's like Britain in that respect. Britain's got talons. Kestrel's got talons. That's ITV3, I think. Anyway, here we are. Indeed. And I believe we've heard from the outside world, which is always stimulating.

Indeed. We sure have. You've said indeed twice now. Oh, sorry. It's like local news. I'm one of those guys. It's what people say on quiz shows and stuff. People say so, Geoff, you're a school teacher and they go, indeed. I don't know what... Yes, I'll do, Geoff.

Don't feel we need the extra syllable just because you're on telly. I found the email. Good. It's a bit of a crawling email, the gentleman is saying. I'm not sure it is. Bit of a crawling email. I'm loving it so far.

Bit of a crawling email, this. But I had a wisdom tooth taken out last week, complete with a three-inch cyst. And the recovery has made me much more bearable by the anecdotes yourselves and various other standing presenters have spoken about on the podcast. Oh, standing presenters? Now I see myself as an actor manager surrounded by a vibrant

repertory company. Yes, indeed. Thank you Garrick. Spoken about on the podcast and re-watching as many Morecambe and Wise DVDs as possible. So I just wanted to say thank you and keep up the good work. That's nice, isn't it, that he's bringing himself back through the power of comedy. That's the best.

Well, I don't know, if I'm ill, I junk food myself back to... Really? Crisps and biscuits. Empty calories. Yeah, I do. No nourishment. No, I don't know, that always seems to make me feel, I really feel justified in eating any old rubbish.

Right, I have a similar thing. You can kind of gauge my self-esteem by, in the normal form, I take tea with no sugar. If I'm hungover, I'll have a sugar in my tea. And if I'm ill, honey. Honey's going in the tea, because I feel like it's quite comforting. And if I don't want a tea, then I'm hungover, I'll have a sugar in my tea and if I'm ill, honey. Honey's going in the tea because I feel like it's quite comforting. And if I don't want a tea, then I'm terminal. I'm in real trouble

because I always want a tea. I had both my wisdom teeth taken out a couple of years ago. I thought you were unwise. That was very unwise, wasn't it? I was unbalanced. I only had them on my right hand side. Oh, really? This is honestly true. When he pulled out my wisdom tooth,

he lost his footing slightly and the tooth shot right across the surgery. Wow. And we all had to get on our hands and knees and find it. That's when you want an iPhone torch app. Find a tooth app. But why did you want it? What?

Why did you want it? For a memento. Well, for starters, no one wants a stray tooth lying around and you don't want to come in and look down and see someone's tooth lying on the floor. Yeah, they've got rules about stuff like that. But you didn't actually get down and look. Well, I did keep, yeah, because I kept them. I've got them. Oh, have you really?

I don't know why, but I thought there was some money to be made from it. Yeah. Did you? What, tooth fairies? We buy them tooth.com We should explain to listeners that Holly is 11 No, but we could make a nice set of earrings

I have a friend who's a jeweller Two giant wisdom teeth hanging from my lobes. Wouldn't that be, she's actually I used to have a gold tooth about two or three years ago and she's going to put that on a necklace. Why did you lose that gold tooth? Well, it fell out.

In an embarrassing situation? Hold on. Danes are just in the blind, and it's the nicest. Well, just do it, Danes. That's it. Pardon me. Pardon me. Sorry, I can't help myself.

Well done. Yeah, it fell out, and my girlfriend persuaded me to go back to yellow. Why? What was wrong with gold? I like a gold tooth. She thought it was that I looked like I was having a midlife crisis. But the beauty about a gold tooth is that no matter what the sort of financial situation, you've always got something to fall back on, barter-wise. Well, that is true of course I had a sheep in the other gap

so I've still got it but it's going to be on a necklace but I think wisdom teeth earrings would look brilliant I was going to leave the bits of skin attached to it on it as well just for a bit of texture then you could blend them into the lobe

and it would look like they were growing. I'm all for that. Anyway, thanks for that. Who was that from? That was from... We're tight as a drum on the admin. It doesn't say. It doesn't say.

I don't know who it's from. It doesn't say. Oh, Kev Leem. Well done, Kev. Yeah, well, I hope Kev's better by now. You're not feeling unwise That's what I'll say Because he's been watching more

Unwise videos Oh no I was thinking about the wisdom teeth Is that why he's watching wise Maybe It's subliminal that is Trying to top back up his wise levels What is the point of a wisdom tooth anyway What's the point of a wisdom tooth, anyway?

What's the point of it? Isn't that an old Seinfeld bit? What's with wisdom teeth? What's that all about? Don't they come in as you get a bit older to allow for the fact that your face is sort of imploding and it's

sort of, it's like a supportive strut on the inner cheek to stop your face basically caving in. I think that's what it is, isn't it? I hope no one's eaten their breakfast while listening to this one. You're underpinning your face. Yeah, that's what you're doing. Yeah, because of subsidence. Subsidence.

Human head subsidence is very common in the middle age. Yeah, that's why you need to get a survey before you start going out with someone. Exactly. Then you start on the right foundation. A face buyer's report or something. I've actually had one nostril knocked through into two. A bit like Daniela Westbrook. The teeth, the nose, the septum.

That's another thing that you don't really need. Wisdom teeth and septums. You do need a septum. Definitely. Are you going to wear one of those plastic moustaches you get in Christmas crackers? Well, other than that, Daniela Westbrook's knocked hers out. No, she got hers replaced. She put it back in.

Oh, did she? Yeah, got a gold one. Did she? did she heard about a gold scepter something to fall back on or forward on she um hers just pulls out i think her slots in and out it reminds me when i used to have i used to have a rabbit hutch and they used to be like a you could pull the bit out the middle and the rabbits could get in together and then you could separate them that's how her nose works nowadays good to have some at fault isn't it um we've had an email dear frank i heard you on graham norton talking about your swim for together and then you can separate them. That's how my nose works nowadays. Good to have some at fault, isn't it? We've had an email. Dear Frank, I heard you on Graham Norton talking about your swim for

sport relief. A real challenge for someone with a fear of water. I've been appointed as referee. This is a crawling. Yeah. Front crawling. This is a front crawling. Exactly. God, you got led. I threw it up in the air before I could hit it. I've been appointed as referee

for the Paralympics swimming in London this August, a massive honour for me I want, if you want a referee to oversee the swim now I can already see a fault with this plan but if you're an over swimmer and suddenly there's a referee judging it, that seems to not help

give me a red card if you want a referee to oversee the swim let me know very good to not help. Give you a red card. If you want a referee to oversee the swim, let me know. Very good. A referee? Do you think they've heard about my plan for the underwater unicycle threaded into my trunks?

I would welcome a chance to be involved in sports relief and promote the work of volunteers in sport and disability swimming. And this I like. I'm available on the 23rd of March, but refereeing the National Youth Championships for disabled in Sheffield on 24th and 25th. I like the fact he sent you his appointment status. Yeah, we're actually going through dates now at this stage.

The 29th I've got a hair appointment. No, it doesn't say that. That's, um... He does say, if you can't get to the London Aquatic Centre, I'm sure we could fix something up in Sheffield. Yeah, that's much more convenient for me. If you don't want to go near your house, there's somewhere 200 miles away that I could arrange for you.

And you can get some cheap cutlery while you're up there. There would be hundreds of disability swimmers who would enjoy the event. There we go. Yeah, watching me make a film myself is what it means. Maybe, maybe. Is there any more unpopular job than the referee in a Paralympics event? Because, you know, somebody, as them actually punching the air with joy, having overcome a life of disability to win the gold medal,

and you come and say, actually, your elbow touched the line, mark your disqualifier. God, I mean, being a football referee makes you unloved. I reckon if you're a swimming pool referee, the lessons you, the rules you have to stick to are no bombing, no heavy petting. No, yeah, no heavy petting, that's definitely it.

No running by the pool. These are all bookable offences. You do hear tales about the swimmers in the Olympics, I suppose. I don't know if it's in the paras, but in the normal, not the normal, can I take that swimmers in the Olympics, especially? I don't know if it's in the paras, but in the normal... Not the normal. Can I take that back? In the Olympics, the swimmers are famous for being the friskiest. Has your swimming teacher told you that?

No, but I know a... I think I told you that, and she told me it. No, I know a couple of professional... Oh, really? Their events finish first. So they have much more spare time in the Olympic Village. Now, I know a couple of professional... Oh, really? Their events finish first. Yeah. So they have much more spare time in the Olympic Village.

Well, I recently was swimming in Crystal Palace and the Brazilian swimming team were doing a training week. I bet they're aerodynamic. I saw it in the air. Just couldn't get that. It's been a tussle this morning they were incredibly handsome were they? they were so fit and I can see why

I'm not saying well it's a great physique as well it's not distorted in any way it's not like you know you get sort of some sports that make bits like a javelin would just be one arm and all that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But it was a really impressive physique. Swimmer's physique's fantastic.

It really is. Okay. Good. So you can aim for that though, with your length. Yes. I don't know how much it's going to affect my physique, the actual swimming of the length. But anyway, that's a very kind offer from the referee. I don't know if we're using a referee or not. I'll put it to the

board. I'll put it to my... I have my first lessons coming up in the next few days. Have you decided on your... We asked you this last week, but you didn't know. Have you decided on your attire? Yes, I'm not going to bother. Just socks.

Just two Veruca socks. Just two Veruca socks. Just flippers and a scuba breathing apparatus. No, they said they'll supply me, it said, with clothing, flip-flops and towel. You know what? Just say I've already got a Veruca. Don't worry about the flip-flops.

No, I'm happy with the flip-flops. The horse is bolted. I'm hoping I can get one of Kate Winslet's flip-flops and do the whole thing like a kayak. Do you know she takes nine and a half in a shoe? Kate Winslet? Yeah. Is that big?

For a lady? That's bigger than me. What size do you take, Holly? Ten. Yeah, but you probably wear very thick socks. You do not. You are not a size 10. I am a size 10.

My feet are a third the height of my body. Really? I'm like a big L. Yeah. And I thought you just wore clown shoes. No, genuine. It's not a fashion statement. I could use you as a set square.

And we're good. Bookend. Excellent. I'd have some doubt as to whether your boobs would fit a size 10 shoe. Well, can't you see? I can't see from here. No, they are tiny, tiny feet.

They are tiny feet. I've got very small hands as well. It's quite creepy. Well, had you got those tiny little hands and size 10 feet, you'd be quite the specimen. Well, you have got little hands. You wouldn't be here, you'd be in a jar somewhere. And you've got yellow nail varnish. You see, your

hands are so tiny. That's a decision that's been made though, don't say that as if that's a no. Nature has decreed you've got tiny feet and yellow nail varnish, that's obviously something that's... No, I thought you were juggling sweetcorn. From where I was sitting.

Anyway, what else? I was going to say, have you seen the thing about this woman who has the first toaster that they ever got? Oh, yeah, the older... Great story. She basically has got a toaster that she's had for... Since 1953 or something. It's 58 years old and still going.

That's older than all of us. It's even older than me. They got it as a £20 wedding gift. And I haven't popped up for about five years. I think it's great It's still as good as new I get quite a lot of crommage though That is brilliant

It looks They had a picture of it in the paper It looks an absolute spanking new It's fantastic That means they just didn't use it No I think they're still doing Two slices a day or more According to the newspaper reports

Well you get all these Sort of conspiracy theories that um new new equipment is designed to sort of self-combust within three years so you have to buy a new one built-in obsolescence yes indeed was you you delivered that as a bombshell you said you get all these theories as if you had something to discount it and then there was just nothing that's just the theory what you're just spreading that word that's what you're doing well our first microwave when i was a kid we bought a microwave that lasted it must have been 20 years the first microwave that and it was huge i mean to the point where towards the end of its life you'd walk into our kitchen and think we had a giant plasma telly. Just an enormous... Were they big? I don't remember.

Not unbelievably. See, when I was a kid, there was no... We had a thing called a meat safe. We did. That is disgusting. It was like a metal gridded cupboard where you put meat. But the idea was that you put it in one of the colder parts of the house there was no refrigeration like a cold slam fridge no we didn't know i don't i don't know if there must

have been fridges yeah i'm from the past your milk was packed in salt and stuff no no the milk was we had this stuff called sterilized milk i love that that would not go off no matter what you did with that you know you can leave sort know you can leave long-life milk in a cupboard? Uh-huh. Sterilised milk you can leave in your will. It lasts... I mean, it's white water, basically. We often rafted on it. In a flip-flop.

Yes. I worry about the built-in obsolescence. I liked it when people had things for ages and slightly bodged them. I've talked about this in my stand-up, but I loved the days when TVs would have a bent metal coat hanger where the aerial used to be and people would sort of stand around and go, oh, no, no, back a bit, forward

a bit, until it was right. Because as it was being put in, it would kind of get fuzzy. You used to see those on cars as well, people stuck it in for the aerial with a big... We had a fork as a TV aerial once for a while. Did you really? What, with a sausage on it?

Lovely. It's what passed for cooking programmes in those days. You had a fork for a TV... What a small... Somebody... Not a garden fork. Some local whiz kid had gone, oh, the coat hanger isn't working anymore

and we need to use something else metal and it ended up being a fork and it worked. Unbelievable. See, people were more inventive in those days. Now you'd go out to Corrie's or somewhere and buy an expensive piece of equipment. Yeah. But then people did much more dangerous stuff than that.

And looking at a fork was, you know, as good as anything that was on the TV in those days. Would it be handy if you was tuning the telly? If it was a tuning fork. Or even a pitchfork. Well, I think we've got into some crazy fork-based spiral. Let's just take a breath, shall we? Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.

I've got a rocking chair, which was one of the first things. The first time I got my own property,'ve got a rocking chair, which was one of the first things. The first time I got my own property, I bought a rocking chair. It's always one of the things I thought I would do. What, rock? Yeah, rock. It always looked like that was the most

satisfying, relaxing thing you could do. I think I've been in it about three times. Oh, that's a shame, isn't it? Do you still have it? I still have it, yeah have it yeah in your house yeah so it's it's lasted that's probably because i've almost never sat in it but i've moved it around to various other properties and stuff but it's not um i thought it would be a bit like having alton towers in the living room screaming but it isn't it's quite um it's quite a gentle and quite a dull thing I might give it another go

As I've got a bit older Maybe I'll grow into it I felt a bit like How can I put this You know when you see a troubled person on a bus And they're going backwards and forwards I felt a bit like that I think that's the best way to put that

A troubled person on a bus. Yes, put me on it. But I'm all for keeping... I like the idea of having old stuff. I bought a radio from the market which had been on a cruise liner in 1948. Is it one of the big square ones? No, it's a small white

Bakelite thing. It's cream coloured. And I suppose what attracted me about it was the idea that someone had listened to the test match when Bradman's Australians toured in 1948. And now I was listening to modern

stuff on it, you know, the test match of today. It's had valves and all that. You're looking at me in a strange way, Holly. No, I'm not. I'm looking at you like, that does sound like quite a good thing to buy. Yeah. I mean, you're banking on it being used

by somebody who's interested in cricket. Well, yeah, but, you know, I can dream, can't I? You sure can. As the song says. It's a sort of, because this, I don't know if you're aware of this, but Past Times is past. You know Past Times, the shop?

Oh, okay. I have speculated recently on this show, who shops at Past Times, and the answer now is nobody. And it's sad. I'd never go there. I mean, it sells, you know, relics of the past, but not old ones, modern relics of the past. Oh, right, that's why you wouldn't go there.

But it's sort of like an iPhone holder, but it's a sort of chintz design. Yeah, or Downton Abbey on it. Yeah, it's sort of a weird mixture of very up-to-date things and then very old things. Yeah, but it's sad news. I mean, there's about 600 people being made redundant and apparently they're going to march on Parliament

and protest to the Prime Minister Disraeli. Oh, no, it is sad, though, because although it's a shop I'd never go in, I like the fact that it exists. Yeah. I would have thought it would have been in your ballpark, because you kind of like a trip down memory lane. I do like a trip down memory lane, but I tend to use ayahuasca, the teaching drug. It has to be administered by shaman. You've asked me ayahuasca?

Yeah. Have you made that up? No, no, that is the teaching drug. Can I say that absolute do not encourage the use of ayahuasca or any other teaching drug? Even educational drugs. No, I suppose someone's hardly disappointed. I use drugs educationally.

Someone told me that they took it and they saw all the good things in their life as if it was on a 20 minute video Anyway, let's change the I don't know who we got today from past times I suppose it makes sense Actually, I had my pen behind my ear after

I suppose that counts as an old you know, if you can class my ear in that situation as shelving that's some old shelving that I've stopped with I'm sure it is I think it's time I went

which of course is my new catchphrase I've got loads of stuff in my house that I can't even use anymore because for example I've got loads of videos in my house that I can't even use anymore because, for example, I've got loads of videos, but I don't own a video recorder anymore. And it's not anything you can buy video recorders anymore. You can't? I don't think so. Can you?

I don't know. I get the feeling that the things have been phased out. Obsolescence. I'd have to get everything. I'd have to get all of my films put onto DVD or buy them on DVD. That would happen now. Now, surely, there's a... It's just a big scam, isn't it, to make us keep having to buy The Three Amigos. Oh, I see. Yeah.

I don't like The Three Amigos. I wish I'd got that on something that I could no longer play. I'd be happy with that. I like the song. That's all I like about The Three Amigos. I thought that'd be right up your street. No, it's so far from my street. It's not even on Google Earth. It's a bit of a struggle to get to the end of that,

but I think I made it in the end. No, I ate The Three Amigos. I wish it had never been made. Sorry, everyone. You really have beef with that film. Were you passed over for casting for it? Were you going to be Steve Martin it? Yeah, I was... Were you going to be Steve Martin's character?

I was going to be... It was going to be the four amigos originally. And I was at the read-through. And then that ayahuasca hit, kicked in. Yeah, exactly. I couldn't grow the moustache. It was as simple as that. Have you seen that?

People are getting over-dependent on Google. You say Google Earth. People are now not remembering things because they remember that they can Google it, apparently. I can absolutely... You know, I don't know if you're aware of my rule. My rule is that if you can't remember, you don't Google.

If you don't know, you can Google. Really? Yeah. That's your inner rule? Yeah, so if I... You can't remember. Let me give you an example. If somebody said to me, um,

what's the name of Paul McCartney's mother? Uh-huh. I have no idea. I've never known that fact. So it's good to learn that fact so I can go to Google. I think it's Nora, by the way. Is it? Nora McCartney. Oh, hang on. Have I got that wrong? Well, let's Google. No!

So that's, uh, if it's something you don't know, then that's fine that's if it's something you don't know then that's fine but if it's something you can't remember i think the process of remembering is very important to the human brain par example i was at post gig the other night i was sitting talking to chris ramsey the comedian uh-huh and uh and another uh person and we were talking about um the other person a non-comedian it was yeah someone that you wouldn't comedian and a person and a person yeah and uh we're talking about robbie williams and and saying he's never been as good since he got rid of his co-writing person and then we couldn't remember the name of the co-writing person so chris ramsey went for his smartphone and I...

Oh, he got it out like it was a... Yeah, my hand shot out and stopped. It reminds me, I once watched a sketch with Milton Berle, the American comic. And he used to do this TV show and he'd get celebrities to be in the sketches with him. And he had this busty blonde, like a model, who had to do this line. And Milton Berle was about to do the punchline, and she went to speak over the punchline, and his arm went out and grabbed her arm.

You know, frightening. If a horse had come into the studio, he would have stopped it with his right arm. She, you could see, was horrified by the violence of it. And then he did his punchline and got the laugh. But anyway, so I did that, and I stopped Chris Ramsey from looking it up, because I said, it's so important that we remember.

And I sat and I sat, and I thought, Guy Chambers. And once I got it, it's the elation of remembering. It's brilliant. Paul McCartney's mum, I think it's called Mary. Mary McCartney. Have you just Googled that? Have you Googled it? You said that like you'd just remembered, like you'd had a long ago, you'd had a fling.

No, I, yeah, oh God. It was a name that got me. What, I am the father of Paul McCartney? Is that what you suggested? That's all right. Sing that to I am the Wolverine. Did you just Google that? I am the father. It's a bit Liam Gallagher there. Yeah, it is. Well, it's a very fine line, isn't it? The a bit Liam Gallagher there Yeah it is

It's a very fine line isn't it Did you google it I did yeah But I didn't know so I was adhering to the rule Oh really I've now Now that I'm doing this show I've now sort of started to not check things

And save them up Thinking oh well I can ask the listenership Which you call the yugle is it I call them yugle yeah Because I call which you call the yugol is it i call them yugol yeah because i call you i call you yugol is what i mean you guys you're speaking to you direct now first person i've broken down the fourth wall for instance like terry wogan having his what are what are terry wogan's the tongs yeah yeah what was that what was that for what did that stand for What was that for?

What did that stand for? Terry's... Google it. No, don't. I don't know. No. I was a bit disappointed on my birthday. I didn't get a special Google font. Oh.

You know how they changed the Google on a special day? I thought they could have gone... You know, it could have been like... The O's could have been two toilet seats with footballs in the middle of them. I love the idea. Symbolise my career. I love the idea. Symbolise my career. I love the idea that there's a sort of artist studio where they're constantly pitching ideas.

Like, guys, I've got it. We're going to make the eyes into the Queen's eyes. But I wonder if it all comes from Google. If I'd got my agent to phone up Google and say, look, it's Frank Skinner's birthday, does he qualify? You've got to pressure them into the special Google work. You've got to look on the bright side, because with your birthday you were only about four days

after an internet blackout, weren't you, on Wikipedia and stuff like that. Oh, that's true. You could have missed time. Do you think that's how they celebrated it? Yeah, absolutely. Let's not have any research done. With a grim void. Oh, no, I hate a grim void.

Yeah, somebody told me the other day that Arnold Schwarzenegger had calf implants, cosmetic calf implants, and it was one of those things where I thought, I'm not sure that's true, but it sounds possibly true. No, that doesn't sound possible. He was Mr Universe, wasn't he? Well, because he could get everything else big,

but apparently the calf, there's a point where you can't get it to to grow within proportion i thought you meant calves muscles yeah no not calves that's in baby cows yeah no calf muscles i was pluralizing the word car but still now i feel unsure as to whether or not i did it right baby cows muscles but in your leg no he had that would have been fine calf muscles you know his lower leg you know where the calf is apparently he had implants to make those muscles look bigger and i say i just say it as the flip side of the shin yeah that's how i regard you i mean i don't know if there's no coin around insignificant they just call it a calf job yeah well he had a calf job but if you don't have a coin you can throw a lower leg into the air and just shout calf or shin.

If you're trying to decide anything. Anyway, and I thought at the time, oh, I could Google that and find it out, and then I thought, or I could ask Google, the listeners. So if anybody knows, please feel free to furnish me with the evidence. Don't two different people send opposing views or I'll be none the wiser. But you see, I live, I think, in Cloud Cuckoo land in this respect because I always like to believe that the listeners have not Googled, that they just know that they are a marvellous pool of information.

Yeah, because everybody has sort of weird facts that they've collected that they can just wash out at any time. You know, I mean, I hear radio quizzes now, and I think, what's the point of a radio quiz anymore? Everyone's just sitting at home. Yeah, when they go, what year was this? You just look it up. Yeah, it's ruined everything.

If you could have any part of your body augmented, like surgically, as in your calf muscles or whatever, what plastic surgery would you have? I'd have a telescopic ear. Because I find sometimes when I'm sitting in a booth, I can't hear the people in the adjoining booth. This is confession. No, Ruby Wax, apparently, her and her husband

used to have actual listening equipment on the end of... I think she used to put it on an umbrella or something so she could listen, so she could eavesdrop more efficiently. Yeah. What would I have augmented? I wouldn't mind a chest. Just a chest. My chest's very, very concave.

I mean, I'm going to have to get it out on television. I'm learning to swim and it's a bit the trouble is when I land my back water settles in my chest you know, it's like a bird bath yeah, it is I've found that if I'm sunbathing

and the weather turns I get like a small lake on my chest you need to get the kestrel out then exactly he'll see I'm off. Don't worry about it. Of course he's lying next to me on a small deck chair. With the wings fully spread

because the inside wings are quite pale. He rarely gets any sun on them. Absolutely. I need doing. What would you get done? I don't know. Probably my calves. I'd probably get some Arnie's. Some Arnie calves? I don't know. Probably my calves. I'd probably get some Arnie's. Some Arnie calves. I don't know.

I don't. I dread to think, because it almost feels like opening Pandora's box, doesn't it? If you start to think about that, you're getting it all done. Yeah, I don't know if I'd do anything. Well, don't lead us into it, then, say you're perfect. It's a bit like we've been dressed. No, I'm not perfect. You could get rid of them massive size 10 feet at your sort of start-off.

Yeah, you want to get a toe trim, love. I like the idea of an Arnie carve. It sounds like something that eats. It's like an omnivore. Yes, of course, the early Kestrels were Arnie carves. I also like the idea that instead of getting a boob enlargement, people get feet enlargements or reductions. People get everything, though.

People don't get feet enlargements. They must. They must. Everything. I would believe... That would help my swimming, wouldn't it? Yeah, definitely. I could get some webbing. You could get some flippers. That's a great idea.

Get some stitched-in webbed feet. And also, when it's snowed, that would be handy as well. And if anyone... Snow shoes. Yeah, just take my shoes and socks off. It's snowing, I better get my shoes and socks off. And off you go. Tennis rackets.

Yeah. Yes. You know, tennis rackets... What about them? When people put them on their feet so they can walk through the snow. Yeah. All right. Tennis rackets.

You starting? Yeah, but I'm not... No, I think I'm probably finishing. I think we're finishing. Are you finishing? We can't finish on the tennis racket. It's just a terrible piece of misunderstanding. Anyway, the study of the woman who did this about people not using their memory

but they're storing their memory on Google was done by a woman called Betsy Sparrow. Oh, that's good, isn't it? She'd better watch out for the kestrel. Well, I can't help it. She's been in your chest a few times. She has. And I must say, she's a voracious drinker.

She cleared my cavity in seconds. The Guardian. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.