The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 21st March 12

Episode Date: March 20, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Steve and Emily. They discuss reading, cinema trips and whispering.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Hi. Hey. It's, er, not the weekend podcast. Hi. Hey. It's not the weekend podcast. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Steve Williams. I'll say that again, Emily Dean.

Steve Williams. Oh, God. Friend of the show. What about that? Very happy. I mean, you're a bit more than a friend of the show. I see you as part of our repertory company. I'm so relieved.

Steve, I thought he was going to crowbar in some deer hunter reference. Even he couldn't pull that off. I was on the verge. Better than the grassy knoll, Frank. It was. I don't know. I thought the grassy knoll on the day was the key spot.

When we actually drew lots, I was hoping I would have snatched their hand off the grassy knoll. Because a little bit of shade there, you see,

on the verge. Lovely. We were in blazing sun. And you were right next to the Zaprudas. Lovely family. Also, I was there so long.

We had to get there earlier because there was a rear access to the grassy I was there so long, we had to get there earlier because there was a rear access to the grassy knoll, whereas the verge, you had to be there basically before the crowds arrived. And you know, you keep trying your telescopic sight and I've got a really red ring around my eye, and I thought, if we're caught

I do not want one of those police usual suspects photos with me with a big red, I've got a monocle on, like the planter's man. Mr. Planter. You know Mr. Planter? That peanut in a monocle. Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Can I just say, from the legal purposes, I'm not in any way associating Mr. Planter with the killing of John F. Kennedy. No. That kind of loose talk is what gets people in court. Frank, we've had uh an email in this is from uh b in cambridge b yeah i wonder if her name's beatrice oh is it b e a yes b e a doesn't um doesn't princess beatrice doesn't is she the psychotic one which is psychotic which was psychotic at the royal wedding can i that hat. Can we say that that was actually a casual term

that we're not suggesting for a second that Princess Beatrice is psychotic in any way? I think she's exotic. Her eye make-up and her hat looked somewhat psychotic at the Royal Wedding. I liked her hat. I liked it. So did I.

It was Dali-esque. Anyway, B in Cambridge. Her face was Dali-esque as well. It had the sort of melting watch look to it. B says, Dear Frank et al. OK. I've just been packing up my belongings at the end of my penultimate term at university.

Oh, obviously Cambridge. Lovely. And upon realising what most of my bags and boxes contained, my immediate thought was Books and Bras, a novel by Beryl Rainbridge. It's come to this. Love the show and happy to hear Emily back. Oh, I didn't mean to read that complimentary bit, but I'm glad I did. Yes. She sounds a great girl, though,

because Books and Bras to me is that perfect combination for a long-term life partner, don't you think? Oh, yeah. A bit of laciness and the odd chat about Becky. Yeah. Perfect. But I tell you that I had a bit of an experience of that kind myself this week. I went, speaking of high intellectualism, I went to see John Carter in 3D.

Do you know John Carter? No. It's the new Disney sci-fi movie strange name for a disney movie it is isn't it well it's based on the uh edgar rice boroughs books oh okay i'm speaking of books i don't know if i can get brass into this edgar rice boroughs um who wrote tarson okay also wrote thing. And it's about a bloke who is in the Civil War, and he gets a bit of a knock. And when he wakes up, he's on Mars.

What? Yeah, and you can breathe and stuff up there, apparently, in this book. So they made a film of that. And it's... So I went to see it at the IMAX, you know, the big cinema. Yes, I'm aware of it. It's the biggest screen in Britain. Is it?

And that was a bit of a sad moment because the last time I went to the IMAX, which was a while back, the man came out and said, he said, you know, put on your glasses and blah, blah, blah and leave the exits at the back. And then he went. So, well, and enjoy the IMAX experience.

The biggest screen that Europe's ever seen. And then he left so well and enjoy the imx experience the biggest screen that europe's ever seen and then he left i thought brilliant you never get that in cinema no and this time they said the biggest screen in britain and i thought there's been a build there's been a build on the continent they're slight it's supposed to be a big recession with the euro they're building the biggest screen bigger than the one in london so um i watched it and then i went with my um my girlfriend's sister we have what we call film club so we go on regular film trips and then we shouldn't be talking about it then um it's like fight club oh. The thing with Film Club is there is no Film Club. So we had coffee at the cafe at the cinema,

and I got the impression there were people in there who hadn't watched any of the films, who'd come in and thought, let's go out for a coffee. Why don't we go to that one at the cinema? I'd never do that. You're not welcome in my... If you're not going to watch the film stay out is that when you eat you know when you stay out of the foyer yeah it's like eating in shopping malls or something i don't eat in stores just so you know steve that's my personal

rule i'm phobic about it but i know exactly what you mean frank if you haven't sampled the wares are you saying you don't like a food court oh it makes me feel sick i love a food court around the world in 80 days that's what it's like so anyway we me and uh me and rachel that's her name we sat down and um we realized there was three women sitting in the same seating area three very attractive young women yeah two with um very short skirts and one with very tight leggings. And they all look great. I mean, they look like models. They'd all got their leg,

their right leg over their left leg. The three of them. There's too much detail now. Wait for it. They were all reading novels. They were all reading novels? Yeah. At a cinema?

This is in the bar. No, in the cafe. This is in the cafe. In the Blackjack and Coffee Cafe. But they weren't split. Just the three of them sitting in silence reading these books. So

we were saying, you know, what's going on? We're just in a sci-fi film. Could there be aliens? Is your first step. You were that shocked people were reading books in a cinema and rachel said to me we should take a photo if i'm seen taking a photo three women like that yeah but it was it was so bizarre and it is bizarre and and then after about 20 minutes one of them looked up

from her book and they were foreigners one of them said that and she put she put her um they were aliens she put a bookmark they all put their bookmarks in and got up and went that explains why they were reading if they were foreigners yeah exactly um i i got suspicious when i saw the books were the right way up i thought they're not english um so i think they must be on holiday or something and you know they've they've been completely upfront about sometimes you're with friends I thought they're not English. So I think they must be on holiday or something. And, you know, they've been completely upfront about sometimes you're with friends, you just get a bit fed up of them. You just want a bit of a break.

So they've thought, you know, let's face it, conversation's drying up. Those last couple of jokes I could take or leave. Let's have a book break. And they've read for... It was such a brilliant thing. Maybe they've come to see the second biggest screen in Europe and read in the lobby. Yeah, come to the lobby. In contempt.

An act of contempt. The screen is so small, I will not even go and read this. Sit in protest. So odd, though. And I wondered if they had a sort of a book club thing going on. You know, if they said, how's yours? Oh, it's pretty good at this point. But there didn't seem to be any conversation about the book.

They didn't talk to each other at all? Well, they just sort of, you know, let's go, kind of. Let's go. Yeah, let's go read somewhere else. See, behaviour like that at cinemas, it's like when I went to watch a film once, and there was the people in front of me. Can I say they weren't

in the cinema? I totally get that. That would have been odd. There's a certain etiquette in a cinema. I was in the theatre once, in the cinema theatre, and the people in front of me were eating hummus and olives. Now you don't do that in a cinema either. You do in Islington, darling. Oh no. I wouldn't turn up to your polo

and eat popcorn. So you don't do that in my cinema. My polo? When did we establish that I attended the polo? My polo. My polo. That was like Benny Hawkins from Crossroads. If I want to have a china, I do have a china. Are you not going to your polo?

Your polo, I know what you're like, with your highfalutin ways. So, I've lost now. now okay i'll tell you what we were talking about you see one thing that one could argue there is popcorn is quite noisy for a cinema yes it is whereas hummus and olives not virtually noise free silent yeah true true i like a boiled sweetness cinema that rapper i was at. Oh, it was. I was at Jackie Mason the other night and a woman behind me got the... She bought a box... You know, you buy a box of sweets.

The only place you ever buy a box of sweets is the theatre. You always buy a box. And she was... Not the Malteser box. So all I could hear was... Like his hearing aid. Oh, exactly. It was like I was on the loop and it wasn't quite working.

I don't know if you've ever plugged into the loop in a theatre. Sometimes I do it just for the hell of it. But I was intrigued by this and it made me think that I... I've always been a bit down on people who I see reading in public. You know, you see people sometimes walking down the street reading a book. I do that sometimes. Do you? You really into it i can't stop myself you'll walk down the street reading a book sometimes if i know i haven't got far to go to my destination and i don't have heels on i might read half a page just till i get to the end of the chapter surely reading's a static

pastime you can't you think so yeah no oh i can see i'm on my own here no but i admire it in a way but i do find it i suppose it's just like a medieval ipod yeah because you'd listen to me you'd listen to an audio book on the go yeah if you flip the pages quickly it's like putting on people text walking down the street that's no different no they do you're quite right that's true i hate that do get texts on the move. Why do you hate that? I deliberately walk into people who are reading their file. I do. I deliberately walk into them as a lesson, as a subtle lesson. You've got a right streak in you,

haven't you? Well, you've just got to keep, you know, you've got to keep aware. We live in one of the great cities. It's not like you're in the country and you can be wandering and won't see anyone for half a mile. People walking straight at you. Me. You just get those blokes who sit in pops as well now the odd thing about that is i would happily sit in a cafe or a pub and read a newspaper yeah and think nothing of it if i got a book out i think oh no i feel really self-conscious now

it's strange but why why would you feel self-conscious because a book looks like it's a book. You know what I mean? That's quite a big thing to me. What about the obscure? Yeah, what about halfway between a paper and a book is a phone book? Magazine? Phone book? I wouldn't read it.

A phone book, yeah. Imagine seeing you reading a phone book. No, magazines, that's what. Frank's melting down. Yeah, Frank's doing that big memory thing for sport relief. He's reading Thompson Local. He's got to do all the A's in Luton on the night.

That was an interesting thing before Steve was saying that, what have you said about the Encyclopedia Britannica? Well it started off you said to me that they're not going to do a hard copy anymore. They're just going to do online. And they're moving online and I told Frank that when I grew up in South Wales

quite a tough climate we only had one encyclopedia, we had the letter E so I didn't realise What did you have, the letter E? Oh was I in there? Well, child actress comes under C doesn't it

but it's incredible because we knew everything about E, and I never realised there was 25 other volumes of information out there. Yeah. I just thought it was all about elephants. But, you know, I've always admired a specialist. Yeah. Well, of all the specialist knowledges,

things beginning with E would be so brilliant. It's a sort of eye-spy intellectual. If anyone's just tuned in and said, I know everything about E, can I point out we're talking about the Encyclopedia Britannica? Can you tell Mr C to stop texting in? Incidentally, is the Encyclopedia Britannica in under E? Is it in under... Oh, yeah.

Oh, I see. Are they self-referential, do you mean? Or is it under B for Britannica? Are they in at all? It says Encyclopedia Britannica, then it says, duh. That's what it says in the Encyclopedia Britannica. But I miss that because it was a kind of collective experience that everyone sort of had the same books. Everyone had a World Atlas as well.

But did anyone ever get out the Encyclopedia Britannica in order to look up the Encyclopedia Britannica? I wonder what this is. There's the E. Brilliant idea. Sort of self-basting. So, Frank, enough about that. A bit more about me. I'd like to talk about

an excursion I had this week. Oh, I love Emily's excursions. Well, you'll like this one. I feel that we need a bit of a theme tune for Emily's Excursions. Well, you'll like this one. I feel that we need a bit of a theme tune for Emily's Excursions. E.E. Oh, perfect. So, where did you go? Well, Frank, I went to see Sweeney Todd, the Stephen Sondheim musical.

Oh, I didn't think you meant the real person. Yeah, well, I know you're a fan as well. I am. I'm actually going next week. I know,, I know you're a fan as well. I am. I'm actually going next week. I know, so I won't spoil it. No spoilers. You won't spoil Sweeney Todd? Yeah.

The story's out there, isn't it? Well, in terms of films and drama. I'm on top of the pie element. Yeah, you know the pie element. The pie element, can I say? We're a great band. I won't give you a review, though. We'll discuss that after you've seen it.

All war tracksuit tops. Fred Perry tracksuit tops. 3.142 fans. Yeah. No, don't tell me. I won't review it. OK. We'll discuss it once you've seen it.

It's Michael Ball and Melda Staunton, Steve. But I did have a fabulous celeb spot whilst I was there. I'd say it's on a par with your Richard Osman, to be honest. Because I've met the great Steve. I've met Jim Carrey. I've met Russell Crowe. I've even met Salman Rushdie during his fat Y year, Salman Rushdie. Did you really?

Yes. What were you doing in a cupboard? I wasn't in a cupboard. Boris Becker said, God, you see we're busy. Get out, Salman. I'm in trouble here. I'm being chased by some crazy guys. That's my impression of Salman Rushdie.

I spotted, Frank, Baz Bamigboy. And I've always been rather obsessed by Baz Bamigboy. Are you familiar with his work? Well, look, I don't want to offend Baz Bamigboy. He's the theatre critic at the Daily Mail okay he's quite jolly i'm not warming to him theater critic daily mail that they're they're piling up aren't they okay but i was very excited so i sort of was stalking him a little bit and then he was in he was in what does he look like well he looks not unlike the bishop of york oh okay yeah that's

he's that sort of i think he might even have a gap in his tooth no you're kidding yes he's that much of a look-alike he's committed he's committed that's because when he's writing his reviews yeah he wedges a small torch in there in the theater it's perfect. But he went to the coat check and what I liked was that he got a raincoat and a briefcase. Which no one really does that anymore. Were they his? It was like a dad in an old sitcom, like a dad in Sorry or something.

You know, it's really weird. I went out with a friend on Friday night, pre-Jackie Mason. Yeah. And he arrived with a briefcase. And he, you know, he's not... It was Inspector Gadget, though, to be fair. Yeah, he's not an office...

I mean, he's a radio presenter himself, and he had a proper leather briefcase. What's it the AC? Bought in Argentina. So is the briefcase dead now? Has it been replaced by the mini rucksack? Well, it's... I tell you what it's been... There's those things on wheels. Oh, yeah.

But yeah, people will have a rock sack. You know those people in suits who have trainers on so they can walk to work? Yeah, yeah. Those people, they'll have a rock sack. With one strap over one shoulder. I'm thinking I might go briefcase. I like the look of it. I was impressed.

I think it would suit you. But if you were going to opt for your t-shirt slash suit combo Microsoft style, I'm not sure. I'm not sure that's going to work, Frank. Well, I think I will look then. I'll look like sort of Steve Jobsy when I've got my t-shirt on. Yeah. Tucked in my jeans. What would they wear, Steve?

Would they have a rucksack? The Microsoft posse? Oh, yeah. One arm in one strap. They wouldn't go two straps. One strap. Rucksack in the back. But I like the idea of Frank having a brief yeah. One arm in one strap. It wouldn't go two straps. One strap. Oh, yes. Rucksack in the back. But I like the idea of Frank having a briefcase

but keeping silly stuff in there. Like, he just opens it at a meeting and there's like an iggle-piggle-pig or something that vibrates. I don't know what an iggle-piggle-pig is. That's a little toy, isn't it?

What are those Haribo pigs? What are they called? Percy pigs. Percy pigs. Percy pigs. Thank you very much. That was... The producer.

Daisy, our producer who never Speaks was so, so enthusiastic at the mention of Percy Pigs it just came out and then she put her hand over her mouth for Goss like she said a category C swear word exactly, which I think we find you know, we do do a little bit of advertising accidentally

I have trouble with the old cloakroom thing i i rarely do you frank i rarely put anything in the cloak room why not i always think there's going to be a queue at the end of the event yes and i'll have to queue to get my own jacket you know what i mean it seems ludicrous it's called life yeah. And I... He doesn't queue. I've been to, I've been to matches, football matches now

for 40 odd years and I never, ever, ever leave before the end. You never leave before the end. If we're 4-0 up,

4-0 down, I'm not one of those people who says, you know, I've missed the traffic. Wouldn't that be brilliant if they did that in a theatre?

Yeah, but I'm... But the only time I ever think about doing you know, I've missed the traffic. Wouldn't that be brilliant if they did that in a theatre? Yeah, but I'm... Yeah, they're just people. But the only time I ever think about doing it is if I've put a coat in the cloakroom at the theatre and I think I might... Hang on. I might go earlier. You mean the theatre before the end of the...

Well, I think I might, you know, you know that bit where it goes dark and it goes dark at the end and you think, is that the end? That's probably the end, but it might not be. I'm out. I'm off to the cloakroom at that point. You might miss something.

My friend did that once in Casino Royale and she missed him saying the name's Bond, James Bond. She was so desperate to leave. Well, he said it right at the end, didn't he? Yes, he says it at the end, I think you'll find. I just love the idea of Frank. So we go to Frank. Frank, do you see it? Do you see the twist in the end?

What? Yeah, but at least I'll have my coat on and my briefcase. Not going to the usual suspects with you. Also, I made a terrible... The last time I used a cloakroom, I made the worst error of all. You know, you usually put a pound down as a sort of a tip. Are you aware of this, Steve? Yes.

And I did it while the woman still had her back. I went to... I read through the pocket. She turned the second thing. Are you aware of this, Steve? Yes. And I did it while the woman still had her bat. I went to... I read through the pocket. She turned the second thing and I put it down. She didn't see me put it down and I thought, now I've put the pound down. She thinks I haven't put a pound down. I'm not putting another one down.

This is how reputations start. And it was such a... Oh, man, I felt... If I pick it up and put it down, she'll think he's just took one off the plate and put it back on again. Can you believe he did that? Would have been the worst thing. Or you make reference to it. That one in the middle is mine. I put that. What I need to do is

get some marked pounds with just a little, with my initials on the back. Your autograph. Maybe one with like a hole with a string on it. Where have I seen that? the back. Your autograph. Maybe one with, like, a hole with a string on it. Maybe. Where have I seen that? Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I once had a job... Is that the end of the sentence? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I once had a job giving away leaflets in the street for Sweeney Todd. Did you? Yeah, the opera, in Stafford.

They were doing it in Stafford. Oh. And I was dressed as a Victorian gentleman with a cane and top hat. I'd have loved to see that. top hat. I had a lovely skin. Spats. I never knew about this career trajectory. No, neither did the supplementary benefit office. It suddenly occurs to me as I tell this story.

Nevertheless. They can backdate you, you know. I had to stand there. Obviously, I'm making this up. I had to stand there it was cold day dressed as a Victorian gentleman I remember one kicked up to me and said are you like Doctor Who

you know it's a complete misinterpretation they weren't familiar with the works of Stephen Sondheim no I mean they hadn't helped me out they didn't give me a pie or a cutthroat raise or anything. You know, I was just a Victorian person. I mean, I might not have even gone to the shop. I was an extra, like an extra walking past. I mean, give me the Sweeney talk.

If they'd have given me an apron with blood and a pie and all that, it would have been fine. And I stood there for ages. It's just such a depressing... If you've ever stood there for ages. It's such a depressing... If you've ever handed out leaflets, it's such a nightmare. Oh, yeah, I've done it. And I did it for four hours till I got rid of my very last leaflet. I was so conscientious.

And I'd say I'd walked 100 yards, I passed two bins, and each of them runneth over with these leaflets i could have completely eliminated the middleman and just gone and put them in bins so um i've always got a bit of a shudder when i think of sweeney todd fine musical as it may be well i look forward to hearing what you think but it wasn't my only i had some more santa i went to the cinema as well, Frank, this week. Because I was watching a live satellite link-up to a performance of a Sondheim musical in New York. So, as you can imagine, it was just the sort of demographic in the cinema.

There was a lot of sort of elderly gentlemen in pairs with glasses on lanyards. I'm with you. Know where we are here? Yes. Wives waiting in the lobby reading books. No, no wives, darling. Yeah, probably no wives.

If you'd have got a month later, would they have had pastel-shade sweaters knotted around their necks? Yes, very much so. Lovely. But I'm afraid the sound failed very early on. Oh, no. And they didn't take it well.

They got quite hysterical. I bet. One man, it was like his entire family had been wiped out. He went, oh, God. It was like he was crying. That is terrible, because you're not going to get that back again if it's a live performance. No.

Well, a man, a sort of callow youth came up and said, if you would like to come and see me afterwards. I said, what, so we can have a go at you? He said, no. No, he did offer refunds. I couldn't. Oh, that's cute. But, um. We can have a go at you. He said, no, no, he did offer refunds. I couldn't be, oh, that's a key.

But, um... LAUGHTER Well... I like the retro nature of the sound failing, Frank, because it sort of doesn't happen very often these days. Well, I am. It's human. I am the most retro cinema failure. I went to see Roshewa.

This had been a few years back. You know Roshewa, Jackie Chan? Yeah, Jackie Chan. And the film stopped, but it stopped in a sort of a cinema paradiso kind of a way. It didn't stop in a modern way at all. Have you ever seen this? The sort of film catches fire from the centre.

But that happened. Wow. It didn't. It did. I didn't think that could happen anymore in modern technology. That's a Chemical Brothers video. Yeah. And this has been whenever the first Rocio came out.

I don't know. But we'd seen probably an hour and ten of the movie. And we didn't get the refund offer. They gave us some things and they said if you want to come back and see the film again. I wonder if those people who left the cinema thinking that was the end. Like, it was a bit of an odd ending. A bit of a co-fire in the middle.

Can I say I was moved to London by this film. Before you make assumptions. Unless you suggest that Ross Sherry got a hardcore Brummie following wherever it played. A bit like myself. Yeah, so, you know, I never went back. I've never seen it since.

I've never seen the last half hour of Ross Sherry. I love the film. I really enjoyed it. Very entertaining. That's to your credit, isn't it? Pardon? That's to your credit, isn't it? That I never went back?

Yeah. Never go back. I've never seen E.T. and I never will. That's my lifelong... It's a slightly different debate. I've seen an hour Yeah. Never go back. I've never seen E.T. and I never will. That's my lifelong... It's a slightly different debate. I've seen an hour and ten of this film. I might as well finish it off. Besides, you're wrong about E.T.

I'd say E.T. arguably in the top ten greatest films ever made. It is. But it's my thing that I've never seen it. You've never seen it. Yeah, I love it. And I love the fact I've never seen it. That's ridiculous. That's just deliberately missing out on something

that can be really entertaining. You're the sort of ann widdicombe of the cinema if it's true to walk out that's different i think well in that case you know you had no choice frank really i know but i could have gone back i feel stupid i haven't seen the end of it no i don't think you should i'll tell you what i had i had some i had some kids sitting behind me in John Carter in 3D. Oh, yeah. And, you know, they get the seat kickers. Yeah. Oh, I hate kneaders more.

I had that at Sweeney Todd. Yeah, well, there was a woman sitting next to me and she decided to turn around and give the big stare both to the children and the pet. I mean, she turned around and she stared for what must have been about 15 seconds i mean it was yeah but you can't you see when you go to the biggest screen in britain imagine how big the 3d glasses are it looked like a very assertive sue pollard it wasn't

frightening anybody you know i mean she you can't do an authoritative stare at enormous 3D spectacles. It was a complete waste of time. Enough. What else is going on in the world? Well, talking of wastes of time... Can I say you're my favourite waste of time? Oh, that's lovely. Owen Paul.

What's happened to him? I don't know. He sung that song. I think I robbed Peter as an option of Owen Paul. What's happened to him? I don't know. I think I robbed Peter as an option. Owen Paul. Oh, your new neighbour will like that joke this week, Frank. If he's moved in yet. I don't think he's moved in.

I think the Archbishop, he's doing the Christmas sermon. Oh, is he? Yeah, you have to serve notice. Oh, that's good. I think, yeah. He's got to get that pulpit down. Does he go on gardening leave? They should give him gardening leave.

So anyway, yeah, talking a waste of time. Apparently, Virgin Atlantic, they're employing a whispering coach, which I think sounds a rather strange decision on their part. Is that the quiet coach on a train? Yeah. The idea is that their staff will be trained to speak at a decibel level that's going to be comforting to passengers. Oh, I see.

Because, you know, people get quite stressed when they're flying. So I don't know. It's going to be 20 to 30 decibels. I don't know what that is, but I suspect it's a lot quieter than me. Well, if it's a whisper, I mean, it's a whisper. It's half the volume of a normal adult conversation. Oh, OK. So it's like that.

Sorry, everyone, the plane is on fire. It's not going to help, is it? Saying it quietly won't help. Imagine if you sat down the back. You wouldn't even hear them. Oh, God, that would be terrible. No, I suppose it's when they just say, when you press the light and they come over and say, can I help you, sir?

That sounds like the Boston Strangler. Get lost. Oh, that's scary. Get lost. That's what I'd say to them. My girlfriend Kat does this thing. If we're in a restaurant, she barely looks at me in a restaurant.

She's such a robbernecker. She's listening to everything. And she's always on about... put the woman on the next table and stuff like that. But she won't risk a whisper in case the woman hears. So she mimes, which is ten times worse. So if there's a woman with a big loose throat... You know how you get those women with a big loose throat?

You know, wind-affected. The wind-affected. Oh, yeah. The wind-affected... What do they call it on a chicken, that bit? Is it the gizzard? Yes, I believe so. I don't think it is, you know. It's got a good name, that.

Oh, it has. We'll remember it in a minute, Frank. Is it the what? The wattle. The wattle. Yeah, you see you get people with that, the big loose wattle. And we were sitting... We were close to a big wattle recently.

And Catherine said of saying, look at that, look at the wattle on that woman. She starts going, and doing like a miming one with her fingers slightly waving in the brain. And you think, well, that's the worst possible way. I suppose the master of uh whispering would be um sooty oh sooty unless you're really close to sooty you can't hear a damn thing matthew corbett would get right in there and go what's that sooty yes i agree with that yes you're right oh yeah you're right yes you're right about the 50 pence tax i mean stuff like that but i couldn't even i couldn't hear the slightest thing well i don't actually like whispers i don't like

it makes me feel a bit sick because i don't like it when people cry they talk like that and they could have eaten chives or something and i just don't like people's voices near my ear i don't like it in person i don't mind on the radio but i i don't like people that near me maybe it's what we're discovering you don't like a whisper in the ear oh i find often in a club or a crowd horrible people will lean in and shout shout yeah yeah and that you know when you feel there's some nerve in your inner ear that yeah that hurts when they do that i can't cope with the wattle of your inner ear. Yeah, the wattle. I like whisperers.

You can't watch the snooker. The snooker, you need a guy whispering. It's part of the atmosphere. Oh, that's true, Steve. You couldn't have someone shouting. But they don't whisper like Ted. You know Ted Lowe, the classic, who used to say, The game of chess played on the green base.

Now, the reason he did that is because they didn't used to have a commentator's box in the early days. Oh, is that right? So he was literally sitting in the audience going, so Joe Davis comes up, so that they didn't put the, so they don't need to whisper now. But I also know that he had an answer phone that said, this is Ted Lowe's answer phone.

I'm afraid you're snookered. I'm out.'re snookered. I'm out. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I don't like it, thanks, when drunks whisper either. Do drunks ever whisper? Yes, because they go, shh, you'll wake them up.

In what I call a drunk whisper, which is louder than a normal decibel level of 60 to 70. That could be a problem on the plane, where so many of the cabin crew are drunk yeah i what i'd like to know the horse whisperer is that a pun what do you mean is it like the horse is that why he calls it the horse whisperer is it though is it no no it's just because he talks to the horses. No, I know that, but I know what it's about. But I'm wondering...

But you're saying... You know when you come up with a title, you often come up with a pun? No, because the man who wrote it is a very serious BBC man that knows my father, actually. Is that right? And he wouldn't have done that. He's not a gag merchant. I say, I don't praise him for that. I think it would have been a very fine pun.

I bet he's a gig merchant That was a horse joke which I'm not totally sure about It is a gig, isn't it? Is that what they call them? Small carts? I wouldn't know They were cool And some of them did fall on stony ground Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.