The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 22nd Feb 2012

Episode Date: February 21, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss theatre outings, celebrity spots and days out

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I might start with, er, start with the jingle thing. You're waking up with Frank Skimmer Might not be. on Absolute Radio See, I'm very much enjoying the new da-da-da, da-da-da It makes me feel like I'm on rolling news. Is this how you're starting the podcast?

With a jingle? That's alright, isn't it? What? The game's changing. Yeah. The game's changing. He likes to mix it up. That's my new jingle. Is it?

Yeah. What do you think? I don't really know what to say. You're like one of those renegade, wacky DJs. Am I? Yeah, I'll just press the buttons if I want. What, like Chris Evans' Madcap Broadcaster? You're a bit like that. Hello, Mr Radio.

Yes. Well, I just... The new absolute thing goes... Yeah. Da-da-da, da-da-da. And that's their new... It's a theme tune. It's their theme tune.

I can't think of anything else to call it. In the way that the National Anthem is a theme tune. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, this is Not The Weekend Podcast with Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. And if we're going to go, let's do it. I thought they were going to slightly overlap there, the two. Oh no, I tell you, you can do that on a jingle box. Oh, can't you?

No, jingle box, jingle box. I think it's jingles all the way. That's what they say. Yeah. So, look, I've been out on the town. Oh, dear, it's 1987 again. Coincidentally, on the town was, of course, the famous Gene Kelly film, was it not?

And Gene Kelly was also in Singing in the Rain, and I went to the stage version of Singing in the Rain. Did you? Mm. Oh, I'm well, Gel. Happily, I wasn't in the first six rows. Oh, dear, why? Where you get drenched.

Oh, because of the rain. Because they're singing in the rain. Yes, and there's a lot of... Apparently, I read somewhere that the amount of water that comes down during the musical is the equivalent of being in a domestic shower for 16 and a half hours. That's how much water they use.

Just in the front six rows? Well, just down onto the stage. Do you remember that thing that Gene Kelly does, that sort of foot drag that sends water? They do a lot of that. If anything, they overdo it. Oh, really? The Guardian. And what row were you in?

Oh, I was in the... I can work out. Let's call it the celebrity area. Yes. I was just behind... Mid-stalls. I was behind Richard and Judy, which is a safe place to be, because I saw Richard and Judy and they saw me and I saw some muttering between them

Did you? In a kind of a yes dear kind of a muttering and he was shouting but she was muttering and I remembered that I'd recently chosen them in an article I did the ten greatest comedy double acts of all time

You put Richard and Judy on? Yeah and I can't remember what I said, but my theory, as you may know about Richard and Judy, is that they were, and still potentially are, a truly funny double act. And the reason they're funny is because they don't know they're funny. Yes. You know, often when people find out they're funny,

they start playing up to it. Charlie Sheen style. Yes, exactly. They get tiger blood in a bottle instead of just talking about it ad hoc. But with R&J, I've always felt... Romeo and Juliet. No, no.

I've always felt very much that they are like Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were perfectly happy in the Garden of Eden. And then they tasted of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. And then they knew they were naked. And I think if Richard and Judy knew they were funny, they wouldn't be funny anymore. Yes, I think that's a good point. You probably didn't help that by putting them on a list of comedy double acts. No, but I think I also made this.

I have a fear, I haven't read the article, but I have a fear I might have made this Adam and Eve analogy, and I don't know how they would have taken it. Oh, fine. So I sort of, I had to... Talking about their nakedness. No wonder they were muttering about you. Well, I dodged them all night, I must say.

Just in case they came up with something angry. Were there any other celebrities there? Yeah, there was a... A smattering? Yeah, it was an unusual turnout. Barbara Windsor was there. Let's not be disappointed with that. You'd be annoyed if you'd worn velvet, though, and you got splashed.

Oh, God. I think if you get a ticket for the first six rows, it comes with a warning from the box office. Just like a dry-cleaning voucher. Yeah, I think, you know, they say if you want to wear it... Never mind coming with a warning, it should come with a sou'wester. The thing is, though... Sou'wester. Excellent.

The thing is with Singing in the Rain is you realise... I mean, I've seen the film loads of times, I love the film, but you realise, with most people, they've gone to hear the song Singing in the Rain is you realise, I mean I've seen the film loads of times, I love the film, but you realise with most people they've gone to hear the song Singing in the Rain and they're on the edge of their seats for that moment. Yes. To the point where at one point there's a bit of thunder and the audience go

ooooh, here it comes. Like I was when I watched Titanic. When I watched Titanic, every scene I was looking behind them to see if there was anything bobbing in the distance. And two hours in, I was praying for it, I'll be honest with you. But, yeah, so there's a bit of lightning and that, and then as soon as the van go...

You know when you get applause at the beginning oh yeah oh yeah like a popular character's walked into an american sitcom exactly like that but with true like on different strokes when arnold walk in i'd love with love and there's other things that i was a bit disappointed i don't know if you've seen the film but in oh yeah donald o'connor love donald o'connor he does this um be a clown you know make him laugh and he runs up the wall literally runs up the wall and turns it into a sort of backflip yeah and the guy didn't do that didn't he well you know he looked a bit ancient the guy well if you can't run up the wall get out that's that's

my view on the casting of Singing in the Rye. But I had an argument. Do you remember on Saturday's show, we talked about how you like centaurs? I love a centaur. In an odd way, because you don't like horses. Yes. But you do like centaurs.

No, but that's because I could talk to the centaur if I rode on it. Could have a chat. Dog to do little, of course. He's ambiguous. Because he didn't talk to either. But anyway, I had a bit of a... I was accosted, that's the word I'm after, accosted by two people from the Sondy Mirror. Oh, dear.

Is this going to end up in the Leveson Inquiry? No, I wouldn't have thought so. It wasn't a fake shake, was it? No, that was a different night. But they said to me, if you had to put something in room 101, what would it be? And I know they were looking for vitriol. They were looking for me to put a person.

And I said, as you may know, my pet hate is luggage with wheels. So I said, luggage with wheels. And I said, at Belfast Airport, I said, as you may know, my pet hate is luggage with wheels. So I said luggage with wheels. And I said, at Belfast Airport, I said last weekend, par exemple, I said, that lost them. I said, a woman walked straight across me. They forget they've got that thing trailing behind them. I said, it must have been the same with centaurs in ancient Greece. They forget they've got all that stuff out back when they're walking. So they walk across people's paths and they have to pull up short for the horse section.

Just turning into people in supermarkets and stuff. Anyway, they looked at me in a very confused manner. Did they? I have a strong sense they had no idea what a centaur was. Oh, no. But that's my favourite mythological beast. Yeah, but... I hate them.

It's apparently not that big at the Sunday Mirror. Not that big when you don't pay attention at school. I mean, they have a horse racing section. You'd think it must have cropped off at some point, the centaur thing, but no. So they just looked at me, and then they said, they actually said, aren't there any people you'd like to put into Room 101? They were looking for unpleasantness. And I said, well, I said centaur

they incorporate people into... They must have hated you. They wanted you to say Got Kwan or Paris Hilton and you said a centaur. Not that I would put a centaur into Room 101 never would I do that.

If it reversed in and then stopped, so it was just the horse section. Have you ever seen the horse section? It's a show with Alex. Alex Horse. So, I love an opening night. Oh, I love an opening night. Yeah, I love it.

There's always those comedy celebrities that you think, oh, God, much better than the big celebrities. Was Chris Akabusi there? I didn't see him, but he's a blur at the best of times. Really? I went to the theatre the other night to see a friend of mine. Yeah. I went on my own.

Oh, yeah. There's a bit of a back story to it, because he was in a play last year and he said to me, I'm in it till the end of January. I started checking in the last week of January and it turned out he'd been in it until the 20th, so I'd already missed it. So I felt bad.

Yeah. But that's not why I went to this one. But he's in the play Two by Jim Cartwright and I went on my own. I was in a Jim Cartwright play once. Oh, yeah? Yes, a thing called Road. Oh, yeah, that's his other biggie, isn't it?

When I played the narrator, this was at the Edinburgh Festival, and I had the very bright idea of doing it in a Scottish accent, and no-one stopped me. Oh, dear. So most of the reviews were just that. Just concentrating on Frank Skinner's bad accent. But it was alright. There was a little bit of bra in it, if I remember right.

The Telegraph. So, um... This one, I had the awkwardness of going up to the box office and saying, I'd like a ticket for two, please. And she said, how many? And I had to say, one for two.

Oh, it's like Abbott and Costello. It was just like that. And I went, oh, by the end of this play, you'll hate the title. And she went, not really. At the end, it starts with Saturday night, Sunday morning, so it'll be the same sort of thing. So yeah, I went to see that.

First book I ever read. Saturday night, Sunday morning? Really? What are the chances? More than you. You two have all sorts of common ground this morning. But I'll tell you what, Sue Pollard was there. I hate doing TV burps.

It's too hard work. I'm sorry. A bit of a topical news. That wasn't Sue Pollard, by the way. That was a Harry Hill impersonation, if I'm not mistaken. My favourite Harry Hill impersonation ever sue pollard was at the uh at the show sue pollard was there yeah wow i went to watch it be careful what you say be very careful that's all i've got to say on that okay i've got

another thing to tell you in a second why why why do i need to be careful well can i tell him frank i have a personal connection with sue pollard i'm actually not joking so do i do I need to be careful? Well, can I tell him, Frank? I have a personal connection with Sue Pollard. I'm actually not joking. So do I. Or do you want to know mine first? Oh, yes, ladies first. OK, thank you. I think that's the general tradition when it comes to Sue Pollard anecdotes.

There's quite a strict form of orderly cue. Yeah, it's like the Japanese tea ceremony, the telling of Sue Pollard anecdotes. A very, very strict formal rules. It sounds like a round on would I lie to you. OK, my Sue Pollard anecdote is that, no, my Sue... Well, it's complicated. My godfather... We've got time.

OK. I'm relaxed. So there's my gay godfather, John. Yeah, Uncle Johnny. OK. You name him your gay godfather as if somebody should have one of each. Yeah, Uncle Johnny. Okay. You name him your gay godfather as if someone should have one of each. No, I know.

He calls himself my fairy godfather, but he's allowed to say that. Oh, I see, I see what he's done there. My gay godfather, John. He's a rascal. He is. And he used to go out with Uncle Peter, so it was Uncle John and Uncle Peter. And then Uncle Peter married Sue Pollard. What? Uncle Peter the police officer.

So, no, he's not a police officer. I thought she married a gay police officer. No, he wasn't a police officer. Maybe that was in Heidi Heid. Seems an unlikely plot, doesn't it? No, he worked with scouts. Good morning, camp. Oh, you're a camper than ever.

You can imagine her saying that, Ruth Maddock. Used to really fancy Ruth Maddock. But, yeah, so Uncle Peter married Sue Poll Pollock so I spent a lot of my childhood with Sue Pollock was Ruth Maddock in the Beatles in the early days she looked like she'd have slotted into that because she had a mop top you know that with the Beatles album sleeve

you could have put Ruth Maddock on there no one would have even blinked I think they actually airbrushed her out that Pelican Crossing photo so your godfather's boyfriend married Sue Pollock even blinked. I think they actually airbrushed her out with that Pelican Crossing photo. Yeah. So your godfather's boyfriend married Sue Pollard. Married Sue Pollard, yeah. So she was quite a big part of my

childhood. She turned up to my 16th birthday party, which was interesting. Did she? With a Donald Duck umbrella. That would have been pre-Heidi High, would it? Oh, how dare you? How dare you? Pre-Singing in the Rain. Oh, lovely.

Well, I have met her, but my story, it relates to a newspaper article. Right. She did, in which she named me as her would-but-shouldn't. Now, to be Sue Pollard's would-but-shouldn't. Now, to be Sue Pollard's would-but-shouldn't is to be in the mire of celebrity fancyings, isn't it? I think, surely I class as a legitimate fancy for Sue Pollard. She doesn't have to be guilty about it. Surely you're in her ballpark. I'm not suggesting you're in her ballpark, I'm saying you're

superior to that. You know there's a thing online fan fiction isn't there? So there might be somebody who's written a short story about you and Sue Pollard. I know some celebrity people where people have written fan fiction about them and another

celebrity. Is that right? Yes I remember there was a photoshopped picture of me and the DJ Emma B. Do you remember Emma B? Yeah. It was very coarse. Was it?

It was very coarse. Extraordinary anecdote. It was a stranger. The photo was coarse. They'd taken a photograph from a lewd magazine and put me and Emma B's... I mean, you know, why Emma B? Well, why me and Neil Francis? But let's not talk about that.

Yeah, but that was... That's different. That was a birthday card. So what's your... Did you speak to Sue? No, I just... She was there and then I think it kind of went around, you know, like it does at the theatre.

Sue Pollard's here. Sue Pollard's here. Look, there's Sue Pollard. around, you know, like it does at the theatre. Superlards, yeah. Superlards. Look, there's Superlards. Yeah, yeah. No, it's Jenny Eclair. No, it isn't. And also the lady from Coronation Street was there.

Oh, which one? You're going to have to give us more details. I am, yeah. Ina Sharples? No, the... Oh, she's long gone. The lady whose character used to be a fella and now she's... Oh! Yes.

She's called Julie Hobsbawmley or something. Julie. Julie. She's absolutely lovely. She bought me a drink and... Hestonley or something. ...had a nice chat and I met her mum as well. Hes...

Hes... Hesmond... Hesmond... Hesmond... Heston Blumenthal. Yes. Oh, no. Julie Hesmond...

Hesston Blumenthal. Yes. You're thinking. Well, let me tell you... Hesmondal. She's very pleasant. She's... I've met her.

She is absolutely lovely. Really nice. Really nice. And then, on the way home... Hayley. I've met her. She is absolutely lovely. Really nice. And then, on the way home, I learnt a new phrase. I learnt a new phrase. I know we love a bit of language on this show. I learnt a new phrase. It's quite Mancunian, north-west of England. Before you do this, can I tell you my Julie Hesmondowell joke? I've done it before. She's a lady, isn't she?

Yeah, this is what I'm finding. No, I'm just saying she is a lady, isn't she? Yeah, this was one of my... No, I'm just saying she is a lady. Yeah, she is a lady. But obviously in the programme she had previously been a man, and then she became a character called Hayley. And I'm quoting one of my own jokes, but it's a joke that made me so happy I'm just going to do it anyway. And I was talking about this when it happened on the telly and said, so yeah, so she was a man, but now, as they say in Ethiopia,

Haley's a lassie. I mean, it was a work of art on the punning front. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

And on the way home, I got a lift off my friend Justin, whose friend Trevor was driving him. Trevor's Mancunian, and he used the phrase, let me run this past you. I was pretty excited. He said, he was telling a story, and he said, and we'd really got our tripe out I had a feeling you might not like it does it what does it mean tripe out have you ever heard such a thing we've got our tripe out it meant

that they'd worked really hard on something. No, I don't believe that. It's disgusting. Well, I'm telling you it's true. Don't give me a death stare just because you don't believe it. They worked really hard means that. We'd got our trip out. So could you say total trip out? If you'd worked really hard. I mean, work yourself to the bone. If you'd worked to Amanda Byram levels, you could say that.

I don't know who that is. She presents Total Wipeout. Oh, does he? Yeah. I thought that was the bloke who was nearly killed in a car crash. What's he called? She used to go out with Paddy Kielty. Oh, did she?

Yes. It's filmed in Argentina, isn't it? Yes, I believe so. Yeah, but who's the bloke who was... Richard Hammond. Doesn't Richard Hammond present it? He wasn't killed in a car crash. No, I said he was nearly killed in a car crash.

Yeah. And he doesn't go there. He just does it all from a studio, doesn't he? Oh, he doesn't go there, he just does it all from a studio. Oh, he doesn't go there. Looks like an easy job to me. He's too busy with the Chipping Norton set. He does. He can't get that head plate through the metal detector. He's not allowed.

He has to stay. He's like an airplane. He can't get those boot cut, flared, bleached jeans through the metal detector. Quite right. The weight of them. Yeah, that leather suit jacket and long frayed jeans with a black shiny shoe. A frayed? A frayed jean on a man in his 40s with a black shiny shoe.

This is us totally relishing the fact that Emily has returned and that we can slag off people's outfits. The fashion is back in the show. I rarely like a black shoe with denim anyway. For a man, he's always taken for that raggy. You know what I mean, that raggy bit when they've just been dragging on the floor. And he'll wear

a dress shirt under all that. I know, yeah, yeah. What is he playing at? Who is he appealing to? And sometimes, Frank, I find, totally gratuitous, strange sort of chord affair around the neck, I find. Yeah, a lot of beans. Does he have that?

Yes! Oh, no, that's never a good sign, is it? Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. He needs to get his tripod, work a bit harder on it. I'd rather he didn't. I think he did get his tripod.

I think it was wrapped around the steering wheel. But they put it all back in. Well, I heard a magnificent phrase this week. Oh, yeah? A friend of mine was telling me that he was on holiday in Italy. And they were queuing for something. And a whole bunch of people just raced forward and ignored everyone else and blah, blah, blah.

And he said to this Italian friend of his, God, what is it with these people? And he said, oh, they're from the south of Italy. And he said, yeah, why does that, he said, terra ballerina. Oh, terra ballerina. Which means dancing earth And the south is very volcanic And what they say, northern Italians, at the southern bit Because death is always imminent from volcanoes

It's made them crazy Because they dwell in terra ballerina Isn't it brilliant? Oh, that's good Terra ballerina Yeah, dancing earth I loved it It's not funny But it's poetry Needn't be No, it needn't be Oh, that's good. You're a ballerina. Yeah, Dancing Earth. I loved it.

It's not funny, but it's poetry. Needn't be. No, it needn't be. Most of the stuff on here isn't. I don't know why I'm worried about this particular moment. We've got more shade. We've got light and shade, I like to think. We've got plenty of shade today.

I'm calling it a total eclipse. Frank, we have an email in, which I have to say, it was a little bit like trying to crack the Enigma code to me, having not been here for some time. Yes, you will have missed some running things. Yes, I feel a bit like one of those people in the back of the car when the driver and the passenger are in the front and I'm leaning forward and I'm missing bits. Do you know what I mean?

You can't hear what they're saying to each other. I'm between those seats and I don't like being between both your seats. I once drove a 1950s mourner's car. Belonged to a comedian called Malcolm Hardy. Oh, yes, I know. And he'd lost his licence from drinking. And I drove it, and it's a very... What a co-p very I mean, they're

obviously they're like a hearse but they've just got seats at the back and I remember looking they were talking and I couldn't hear them, I looked in the rear view mirror, they look like a hundred yards away it was, I thought it's quite possible a car could pass between me and them, it was so big

so it's a horrible, yeah, alienation but you'll get back into it. Bit of alienation. In a trice. But there was an email we had in about car sales to the famous. Could you enlighten me? I can, yeah. It's Martin. He's emailed in

sold cars to squeeze and managed to get many a song title in. Favourite was when given PX value, that means part exchange value. And he said to him, you're up the junction with that. That's a little joke.

The squeeze come and buy the car collectively then, like the monkeys. They make those purchases on that. They had to convert it to the squeeze mobile. My favourite that he's put is... We should establish the reason we're talking about this. I've had to get a to the squeeze mobile. My favourite that he's put is... Oh, look, we should establish the reason we're talking about this. I've had to get a new, bigger car. Oh, lovely.

Because baby on the way. Oh, baby on board. So I went... Four-door. Four-door, yeah. So I went to get that last week. Have you gone hatch? You've gone four-door saloon, I think. I've gone four-door saloon, yes.

I said swinging doors and a pianist in the corner. In arm. Trusty diesel. In arm, then. Trusty diesel saloon. So, it got us into the whole car selling... So, what are you driving these days? That kind of thing.

Have you got your, um... Have you got your black shiny shoes and your ragged jeans on? Anyway, the, uh... The fella Martin that sold cars to the famous, he's put... Wouldn't Call for Cats have been better? If he'd have said, and this back seat, very soft, quite cool for cats, that would have been... You'll be on the junction, feels horribly crowbarred.

He's squeezed it. This will be Call for Cats. He's not squeezed it. So naturally. I'm fine with that. Hey, I hope you like this car. It'll be really cool for cats. It's not squeezed in. So naturally. That's a really common phrase. I'm fine with that. Hey, I hope you like this car. It'll be really cool for cats.

Yeah. He's put the... And this power steering, you'll have time to take cockles from the shell. It's muscles from the shell. It's the cockles. Sorry, I haven't listened to Squeeze. Maybe he just didn't know the songs as well as he ought to. Perhaps he didn't want to gamble.

But if he knew Squeeze would come in here... Will you be tempted by the fruit of another automobile over here? I might have just wandered in. As soon as I saw Squeeze wandering about, I'd Google some hits to get into the conversation. It might not have been all of them. It might have just been one from Squeeze. Difford, do you think?

Or Tilbrook? I don't know. Why did they all turn up in their late, men in their late 50s? I don't know that it was all of them. It could have been one. Anyway, he sold the car to a newsreader as well, he's saying. And he's put, when concluding the sale, I picked up all the paperwork in true newsreader style

and tapped on the desk with, and finally. Now that I really like. I think that's good because that's a very news reader thing to do i am always impressed by what i would call street comedy and that is people who are professionals like street magic and street people who make a proper yeah street comedy in vietnam was great really enjoyed it that's just what the locals laugh at do you know what i mean? Because I was like this. Before I became a professional comic,

I would go the extra mile to get a... I'd use props and all sorts. You still do like a prop. Poor Kathy, her whole life is one long series of props. Fruit up the jumper. I used to... No, no, no, she's pregnant. You think it was a melon? I thought it was a melon?

You thought it was fruit? It's a long-running gag, this one. And expensive. No, I used to do things, I used to... If I had a sandwich with cling film on, I would secretly roll it into a long strand onto the table, dip it in beer so it was all gooey and slippy, and then I would pretend I was about to sneeze oh turn away and look like i was frantically going through my pockets for a handkerchief meanwhile stick the long

dangling cling fill up my nose and turn around with it swinging and that was long before i became a professional comic it was just uh when you were just known as a right laugh exactly that's what happened. And when I did street comedy. So, you know, I really respect the doers of street comedy. Well done, Martin. Frank's good books. Yeah.

And I'm not after... Don't send me a car. Got one. Don't think I'm after a free car, because I'm not. I wouldn't say no. If I get it, I'll smash it with a hammer. No, I'll drive it through their window I'll drive it straight back into the dealership and say I believe this is yours Richard Hammond style

yeah about that I have something else to tell you about last week with it being half term me and my little family the Cockereerels, we had a day out. Oh! I don't know, are you a fan of a day out? Oh God, who isn't?

Well, you say that, but actually, normally, me, in the grand scheme of things, I've realised that I have a sort of a natural disposition on a day out, where I kind of do a half-joking curmudgeonly thing where I'll go, I can't even imagine it in that mode. Are you suggesting that you have a... I slip into it very easily. Do you have another demeanour that I haven't seen? It's a pair of fine slippers, yeah.

And so I'll go, oh, yeah, all right, let's go and see the telescope, I suppose. Because we went to see this massive telescope. It's called the Lovell... Telescope? Yeah. That was Disneyland sharks. It was the Lovell telescope. Oh, yes. You know about it?

You know about the Lovell telescope? Of course. Do you? Yeah. Is it a matter of course? It's near Macclesfield. Yeah, it's about half an hour away from where we live in Manchester, so it's near Alderley Edge, where all the footballers live. Oh, yeah. So we went there. Brilliant. Fantastic. Really loved it. I'd love to. I've driven past

it. The great thing about it is there's no warnings. I didn't see any signs. I was driving along and I just looked through Hedra. I thought it had landed. It's enormous. It's very NASA isn't it? It looks like a massive spaceship. I mean it looks brilliant. It's really exciting. When you visit it, what do a massive spaceship i mean it looks really exciting so what's in when you

visit it what do you what there's a visitor center where you can walk around the back of it and as we walk around the back of it it was moving it's it's got like an engine in it so it goes around an engine it's got a sort of it rotates there's a little visitor center and a cafe obviously but can you look at the stars any daytime you can't go it's daytime. You can't go up in it. They've got stuff to do. They're using it. It's being used. It's a working telescope. Because I once went to Melbourne Observatory in Australia.

Oh, that was a day and a half. And it was brilliant. Was it? They got this massive, obviously, telescope, and they showed us, you know... She pointed out the constellations. This was at night-time, you went? Yeah, this was at night-time. We had to get there at midnight or something like that.

Oh, that sounds exciting. It's got an air of adventure as well, because it's night-time anyway. Yeah, and we was on our... I saw a possum on the way. But it's not really a day out, is it? It's more of a night out. No, Frank likes a midnight date. Yeah, you're right. But it's got very popular now, astronomy, obviously.

Yeah. Well, partly Professor Brian Cox. I think more, probably, from the jazzling. I think more Sir Patrick Moore. Oh, no, I hate Sir Patrick Moore. What is he waiting for? He smells of audio as well. What's he hanging around for?

What's he waiting for? I hate him. odour as well. What's he hanging around for? What's he waiting for? I hate him. He must have done all there is to do. Why do you hate him? He was a bit off with me once on Adrian Charles' Sunday night show. He's worked with them all. He's worked with them all. Did you find he's got very bad body odour?

Well, he was on a satellite link, ironically. That was in my contract. I didn't want him in the same building. No, he was... I made some very... I thought a very valid point about the space age. And he said, well, you're talking absolute nonsense. And I thought, why are you still here?

Why? You know, we've got Cox now. We don't need you anymore. You know. We had Cox at the time that you met him. Yeah. Met him by satellite. This was only like 12 months, wasn't it?

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I mean, I hated him before that. Now I loathe him. I'm going to be YouTubing that little one tonight. Yeah. Would that be on there? I don't know if it meant the edit.

I never actually watch these things go out. I never watch any programmes with him on. The fact I was on as well didn't sweeten the pill for me. Anyway, there was a lesson in the telescope place. They had like a, oh, we'll be doing a little talk for half an hour. And I realised that I am growing up, albeit slowly. telescope place they had like a oh we'll be doing a little talk for half an hour and uh and i realized that i am growing up albeit slowly the the woman who was doing the lesson it was about the planets um very interesting but she kept asking the question she said we're going to go with planets

moving away from the sun so what's the planet nearest the sun what's the next one after that and she was actually asking for people to shout out planets and there's a lot of kids in it, it was quite a full room so it would have been a good belly laugh had I done it but the first time she did it I was thinking, it'd be really funny to shout Uranus now

and then the second time thinking Uranus Uranus, and I didn't, I didn't do it once I'm glad you didn't and then when it got to it she said Neptune and Uranus. I was thinking, come on, have a little laugh with it. I'm glad. See, what worries me is you'd have come here full of beans that you'd done. I'd have moonwalked into

this building had I done it. I'd have been disgusted. Frank would smite you down. It would have been an awkward moment because I wouldn't want it to have made you feel bad about it but inside I'd have been thinking Cockerel, you're better than that. Well, I was. Is he?

See, you did. I mean, I sat all the way through it thinking, when can we go to the cafe? But, yeah, we went to the cafe. Got a bookmark from the gift shop. £1.50, like a bookmark. I bet it incorporated a hologram. Am I right?

No, they were too dear. I just got the simple one. Of course. I got the one with a print on it. Throw that kind of money about. I'm only joking. When I went to the theatre, my mate said, where were you sitting?

I said, oh, at the top of the back. And he went, cheapest. I went, well, yeah, also I don't want you to see me. I don't want to sit on the front row when a friend's in the play, do I? I'll generally go for a pencil. What, from the gift shop? In the gift shop. There's nothing better than just scribbling a quick note

and looking down and thinking, oh, Bergen Leprosy Museum. It's the gift that keeps on giving in that respect. I worry that the Kindle is going to spell the death note for the bookmark. I think you could be right. You see, I go for a themed pen, Frank, or a toffee. I have still got the pencil that says, What would Emily do?

Well, there you go. Yeah. I won't tell you about that resort. What about those? Do you remember where that came from? Those pens when the lady's bikini falls off. Do you remember those ones? Yeah, yeah.

Those were the ones that said, what would Emily do? I went to, in the Forbidden City in Beijing, and the strangest thing in their gift shop is that, obviously, of course, there's the Empire's now no more, which means the Emperor's, I think it's the grandson, because it must have been the 20s or something from then, and he works in the gift shop. So who from then. And he works in the gift shop. So who would be the emperor now works in the gift shop.

Oh, my goodness. I know. How the mighty have fallen. Because that's very much to do with... Yes. Well, no, that's not how the Chinese would have seen it. I know they've changed a bit now. But no, they would see that.

That's an honour for him to work there, you see. Really? Serving the people. Yeah, yeah. I found it absolutely mortifying. Well. Yeah. You were embarrassed on his behalf.

On his behalf, on all of our behalves. No, I couldn't look him in the eye. Walk straight out. Taxi. I can see that. Did you walk out backwards, facing him so as not to turn your back on him? Just as a little inkling of what might have been. Oh, God.

And is there anything Emporial about him at all? No, he even had really cheap modern glasses, which made me very sad. No, I'd insist on a flared sleeve. That'd be a deal-breaker for me if I was him. If you were the Emperor, you'd insist on new clothes? Yeah. That'd be a deal breaker for me if I was them. If you were the emperor, you'd insist on new clothes. Yeah. That could be a story. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.