The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 23rd May 12

Episode Date: May 22, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun, they discuss Frank's recent headache pill experience, Cameron's Ex and food condiments.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Higgity-haggity, higgity-wiggity, wiggity-waggity-wicks. Oh, it's time to open up my wonderful bag of tricks.

Ziggity-zaggity, viggity-vaggity, biggity-baggity-bay. Oh, I wonder what we'll find today. This is Frank Skinner, and this is Not The Weekend podcast. I'm with Emily Dean. Let's do it. weekend podcast. I'm with Emily Dean. Let's do it. And Lecoq. Sorry. We haven't done those for a while.

No, I just thought, you know. Thought, why not? I like the sound of your bag of tricks. Thanks very much. We'll discuss that later. I was going to say, higgity-haggity-wiggity-waggity-ziggity-zaggity zasps. Oh, it's time to open up my wonderful bag of wasps.

But I didn't think it was... You thought better of it. It was a bit more of a closed idea. That would make a good radio sting. Right? Oh, me too. I think we'll leave it there, shall we? I'm not gonna tell that. This has been the Not The Weekend podcast. Oh, oh.

I must tell. Oh. Oh, no, no. Oh, you've got me. Oh, no, no. Listen. I, um... I, um...

I had a headache this week. That was a lovely story. Any... I love that story. Is it a migraine or a migraine? Ah, well, I say migraine. Yeah, well, that's typical me, me, me. Yes, of course it is.

Not that my, my, my would be much better. No. If I said my, my, my, I'd have to say Delilah. I wouldn't be able to. I wonder if Tom Jones gets a lot of my, my, migraines. No, he doesn't. No. Fact.

Because he actually has no brain. At all. He's too masculine for a brain. Yes, you're right. I won't have it. I won't have it. Brain, I won't have it. There's just a giant lump of testosterone.

That's what he is. He is. He's a mighty bear of a man. He's everywhere at the moment. Anyway, back to your headache. God. So I normally I have, well, I don't want to plug any particular brands, but I take a couple of, you know, a sort of thing you can go and get in boots.

Mm-hm. And I don't mean that cat from... Puss in. Yeah. From Shrek. Yeah. So I think of Puss in Boots nowadays. With the big eyes.

Oh, yeah. So, no, I... You said that like it was sexy. Oh, yeah. I think there's something sexy You said that like it was sexy. Something sexy. I think there's something sexy about it. I don't think that's controversial. Like the caramac bunny, your other favourite. Oh, no, I don't like the caramac bunny at all. I don't like the fact that it's got

make-up on. It's like it's escaped from a lab. And I don't think they should have that baboon in it with the metal skull cap either. What does that advertise? Flake, I think they should have that baboon in it with the metal skull cap, either. What does that advertise? Flake, I think it is. The smoking beagle. The smoking beagle, yeah, in the background.

Just walking, just standing outside a shop, you know, just having a smoke. Of course they can't do the smoking beagles. They have to put them outdoors. Yeah, they're not allowed health and safety. Yeah, what a thought. Smoking beagles out in the cold as well. Anyway, that's enough about experimenting. Experimentating?

I'm in a palooza, but I quite like experimenting. So anyway, Frank, your headaches, as we call them, it's like your falls. I actually spoke to a medical person and I said I felt that I have a headache about once a fortnight and I think that's too much, isn't it? Depends really, doesn't it? On what? On what you've been up to.

Like if you have one once a fortnight. It varies, doesn't it? It's every day. Whenever I try and wear a hat, the day after. That'd be it then. There's a link there, doesn't it? It's every day. It's the day... Whenever I try and wear a hat, the day after. Well, that would be it, then. There's a link there, isn't there? Do you know when I reach for a chocolate biscuit that wasn't there? Is there anything worse than that?

Oh, dear. I reach for an empty plate. Sure am. Don't give me that. Don't patronise me. Don't patronise me. I can give you a crescent of one, but I think you're better than that.

Yeah, I'll save myself now for some sort of brunch. I love a compound word. Brunch. Yeah. A portmanteau. Jedward. Worging. Jailer. Smog. Smog? Smog is a compound of smoke and fog.

Oh, yeah. Hadn't even... Oh, I've had a eureka moment. Oh, gathering you round for the facts. I've never noticed that before. So, he gave me this new kind of tablet. He said, try this. It's called Ryza Triptan. Right.

And as I thought, I always thought, can't I make this a bit shorter, the names? Anyway, so I took it and I got a headache. And I couldn't remember whether he said, put one under your tongue or under your pillow. But I put one under my tongue. And I went a bit weird, I'll be honest with you. Did you?

I actually went a bit weird. I suddenly, I was looking at something on the internet. It was the Daily Mail online. I'll be straight with you and I thought there was a picture of Emma Watson Oh lovely from, or as I used to call her, Emporio Hermione

and there's a picture of her and I thought, oh that's of course I keep having recurring dreams about Emma Watson every night. And this picture sort of explains them now, what it's all about. Even though I'm not having recurring dreams about her, I became convinced that I was.

I had a bit of a strange... A bit Timothy Leary? Yeah, very weird. And I got slightly distressed, I'll be honest with you. One of those acid heads. Yeah, because I don't want to think of myself as someone who dreams about Emma Watson if you receive my meaning. I don't want to think of you. I think for clarity it's good to say that you thought you did and you didn't.

Yeah, I definitely don't. The sign on my dream door. It's acceptable now. No Burberry. That's my dream code. Which reminds me, I went past the Burberry shop and there was a picture, an advertising poster of a couple in a sort of passionate, very passionate embrace

and she'd got a Mac on. I didn't like it. Well, that's because it's Burberry, darling. No, but it looked like he'd jumped on her in a park. I'll pass on your comments. Okay, thanks. Put it to the board, yeah. Thanks very much.

I think that's a mistake. I think if you put them at the Mac, let's have them upright, please. I will pass it on. So they could have been snogging near the Mac, hanging up on a peg. Yeah, they could have been lying on the Mac. That's going to help sales, isn't it? Yeah, they could have said, we're lying over snog, but

it's still a bit damp. The way things from April, you know, April's been a, well, it is a cruelest month. It does make you wonder why Burberry aren't marketing their Macintosh coats as picnic blankets as well, doesn't it? Yeah, well, I think on the inside. Yeah, well, doesn't it? Yeah, well, I think on the inside... Quite expensive picnic blankets. Yeah, well, anyway,

I don't dream about it, and I just got very, very confused, and then I went to see some friends I was meeting, and I said, look, I apologised. I said, I'll be honest with you, I've gone a bit giddy. Welcome to my world in the 90s.

Yeah, and I sat like the sort of, you know, have you ever been out with one person's had drugs and they're very, you know what I mean, they frolic. They frolic? And that's what it, I was like that. Were other people noticing your behaviour? I told them, I said, I know I'm giggling, but I had this headache tablet

and it's had a strange effect on me. And somebody said, actually, I like you better like this, one of my friends said. And I thought, well, that's good to know that my personality is one which is improved by a riser trip tan. That will always be on my mind now

when I'm doing a TV appearance. What about a little riser trip tan? You become like Michael Jackson wanting his milk. Turn me into a madcap broadcaster. But it was... I actually, I mean, I found it quite scary. And I went, when I'd come out of it, as it were, I had, you know, there's that piece of paper you get in drug things

with all the side effects. And I went through that to see no mention of Emma Watson. No. Or Giddiness. We don't have those side effects. I think it did say Giddiness. Did it really? I'll tell you what it did say. Phonophobia.

No. Are you aware of phonophobia? I'm going to work it out. No, but it doesn't sound like I've ever had it. I don't think you've ever had it. It's a fear of your own voice. Oh, is it? Right back at you. That's quite scary, isn't it?

Phonophobia. Fear of your own voice. Who are you going to tell? Everybody. Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters, yeah. Yeah, so, I don't know. The headache went. Right, but, I don't know, the headache went.

Right, but some other stuff came in its place. Yeah, but I was half up a lamppost in me smalls by the time it disappeared. But it was a real stretch, because I haven't touched, you know, I haven't had a top-deck shandy since the 80s. A top-deck shandy. I don't think your body could cope. No.

I remember that. I used to drink that as a child. I was saying odd things, and people were really laughing. I mean, that hasn't happened your body could cope. No. I remember that. I used to drink that as a child. I was saying odd things and people were really laughing. I mean, that hasn't happened since the 90s. So, did you stop the dinner party like you did recently? No, tell me what are you laughing at? Oh, don't discuss that. That makes me feel absolutely ill.

No, I wasn't at all forceful. I think that, you know. I was a bit... I love everyone. You chilled out, yeah. Yeah. You take your shoes and socks off and just walk on the grass. I'm sure I mentioned this to you guys before,

but did I tell you this when I was at school and I said I had a headache? I was about 11 and the matron said, you're too young to get headaches, dear. Oh, yeah. And so I've always thought, I've always associated headaches with age, ageing, to be honest.

No one said that to me, actually, when I mentioned I had a headache. Not even that stage manager with the glasses on a lanyard. Who was that? I don't know, but it sounded like quite a homosexual thing to say. OK. And relax. That was our... That's like when the cockerel was talking about it, right?

On the Saturday show, we all just... We've got to move on. Turned out it was fine. I looked it up. Was mine just OK? Yours was borderline. I'll be straight with you. Was it? As Madonna would say. Oh.

Would she? She'd say borderline, wouldn't she? And then she'd say... I'm going to lose my mind. Everybody, you keep taking me. Nobody, at all. OK, that keep taking me. Nobody, nobody at all. Okay, that's my favourite Madonna track of all. Okay, what's your favourite Kylie again?

My favourite Kylie... I'm just interviewing him for the New Statesman, sorry. What's your favourite Kylie? He's possibly Got To Be Certain. Oh, you love that one. I've had enough, enough of hearts broken and I'm not gonna take it. Have you had another of those pills? He's doing the reverb as well. If heart's broken and I'm not going to take it. Have you had another of those pills? Whoa!

He's doing the reverb as well. Yeah, well, it's very odd. I know. How many have you had? Well, I haven't had one since that. Are you sure? I've got one left. One left.

It's in a glass cabinet on the... Well, he only gave me two as a tryout. It's like the Matrix. And I'm worried it might all go a try-out. It's like the Matrix. And, um, I'm worried it might all go a bit Charlie Sheen if I have to say. You're going to start calling us the goddesses. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, I'm a little bit wary.

Anyway, so that was, um, that was that. I might try it again because, you know, I say it worked for the headache. Don't try it again, Frank. I've got a very bad feeling about it. Well, if I try it again, because I say it worked for the headache. Don't try it again, Frank. I've got a very bad feeling about it. Well, if I try it under laboratory conditions. On the caramac bunny? If I lock myself in a room with a close friend and take one.

Oh, that would be nice for the close friend. Well, apparently I'm hilarious. I'll try zaptapering. When you said you'd try it under laboratory conditions. I was just picturing all the animals that we talked about at the start of the podcast.

That'd be fine. I was thinking, don't, that'll be really trippy. No, I don't. I don't try it in the same room as the caramel bunny. The smoking corgi. That could work.

Beagles. Beagles. We're going to get in trouble for this. Yeah. Yeah, because it's not, can we say we, we feel sorry

for those animals. We should probably say we don't condone drug-taking or testing on animals, do we? Well... Frank! What about testing on animals that leads to a cure to a major disease for humans? Well, I'm all in favour of that, but this is not the forum. No, it's not the forum. You're quite right. You're quite right, we'm going to leave it.

Major cure on absolute radio. Forum actually used to be a soft pornography magazine. This is not the forum either. This is neither. That's not the forum either. Interestingly, in the A5 format. Was it really? Yeah.

Pocket sized. We all know you know that now. But it was based almost entirely on readers' letters. Oh, was it? Some of which I... No images? Very few images. It was readers' letters.

For the literary type. Lovely. Exactly. I was always more of a wordsmith. I was going to give you a quote but I decided against it but it ended swinging them to and fro in a massive display

of succulents what else have we heard from the outside world pleased to rescue us from this moment little this morning truck driver's gear change here

this is an email that was sent in by John oh John yes there we see dear John he says truck driver's gear change here. This is an email that was sent in by John. Oh, John. Yes. Where is he? Dear John, he says,

Dear all, with reference to the problem of guffawing inappropriately during your podcast, I think we must have talked about that. We talked about people laughing at the podcast. I occasionally laugh out loud at podcasts whilst on dog walks in the meadows. Yeah, but not this one. Every now and again I startle people. I think that dog walks in the meadow sounds a bit and again I startle people. I think that dog walks in the meadows

sounds a bit sinister. It does. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's... Very Daily Mail profile. Can't deny the saying. He kept himself to himself. Dog walks in the meadows.

I could tell you so much more that would incriminate me. It would make you think I'm really weird. I exercise. I take... You take a shovel. In the meadow? I do, exercise. I take... You take a shovel? In the meadow? I do, yeah.

I walk the dog, listen to a podcast and I do exercises off park benches and stuff. Sort of like prison yard exercises? Yeah, that sort of thing. Box squats, press-ups, that sort of, you know, mad stuff. Do you take an Indian club? No, no, I don't. I can see you doing sort of calisthenics, you know what I mean?

No, I see Tai Chi. Tai Chi. He's very Tai Chi. No, no, he's too down to earth. I'm more like the Matrix. I just take a pill and say I can do Kung Fu. I do that. That was a good cry.

So we heard from John. Anyway, meanwhile, back in John's life. Laugh out loud at podcasts. Yeah, lol. Lots of love, that means, apparently. I often listen to you in the British Library while working on my book on radical psychiatry in Italy in the 1960s. Wow, I want to read that book.

Radical psychiatry in Italy in the 1960s. Yes, he often lolls. He says this... What I'm imagining now is the Go Compare man lying on a couch saying, the thing is, I don't really want people to go compare. I feel I'm making them dissatisfied with their lot. I'm make them question

everything. Everything is valued and measured against other things. Why not just be happy with your own things? That's a good point. Anyway. He says John says that his lolling frequently happens when Frank starts singing, more please. Well, no one's ever said that before.

No, I know. But if he's writing a book on radical psychiatry in Italy in the 60s, how can he be listening to podcasts at the same time? How can he concentrate? I thought it was a fact that the human voice distracted you. What? Put some music on. I love the fact that people still write books in the British library. He's in the reading room where Karl Marx wrote Das Kapital, presumably.

Yeah. Does he say he's in the reading room? He's not just, like, in the foyer. I believe so. In the foyer? He's not in the meadow doing his exercises. He's in the cafe with his headphones on. No, I imagine he's in the reading room writing. Yes. Wowee. I'm definitely going to buy that book.

You can put me down for one. All right, it's by John, just in case you're trying to find it in the bookshop. Radical Italian Psychiatry in the 60s by John. Okay, I've written that down. Italians in the 60s, they were very fashionable, weren't they? I think my friend's got a couple of his books. He has a by John. Azerbaijan.

I tell you what, though, a friend of mine, a very good friend of mine from university. Yes, I know. And he was doing a PhD on the East Indies Company and their influence on literature in the 19th century. You know, that sort of thing. And he was telling me that he was a very clever... He's one of the cleverest people I've ever met. He was sort of poached by various universities

because he was so clever, they all wanted him. Anyway, he was in the British Library, in the reading room, and he had all these dusty old books he was going through, and he fell asleep, head on the desk. And when he woke up, he was in an enormous pool of his own saliva. He said when he lifted his head from the desk, there was a strand still connecting him to the desk, and he was so disgusted he went outside

and he sat on the steps of the british library he said there was beautiful girls from overseas in summer dresses giggling with young men and and he thought this is life isn't it this is life out here i don't want to be looking at those dusty old books. And he gave up his degree at that moment, gave up his PhD. That man is Tom Jones. And all the books he had, he gave to the second-hand bookshop. And he started going to the gym every day and doing a lot of cycling. And that was that. Is that true?

That's an absolutely true story. You turned this back on academia? Like that. Wow. All because of one pool of saliva. I've had similar epiphanies, but let's not discuss that. No, let's leave it. I mean, I woke up in my own vomit and urine on a regular basis. I never even thought of giving up.

It took years. It's all about endurance. That's what keeps us going in this country. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, let's call that an interlude. What else? Well, I've been reading. I'm rather obsessed by this story. Are you eating? Well, I've been reading.

I'm rather obsessed by this story. Are you eating? Well, I had a... Spit it in the bin. I had a small... No, it's gone down through my digestive tract now. Oh. It's making...

It's coursing through my body. It's not a raw sausage. No. OK. That's more your area. Can I just say Alan was eating but got away with it then? Don't know what you're talking about. He was, Frank.

No, don't make me reach into the back of the car and slap you. David Cameron, Frank. This is my favourite story ever about him. Right, your favourite story ever about him, wow. So he's had a bit of a strange time anyway. He's always under some sort of pressure, David Cameron. Well, yes, to be fair, he is the Prime Minister. He's always under some sort of pressure, David Cameron. Well, yes. To be fair, he is the Prime Minister.

Yes, it goes with the job. I understand that. But this is quite something. So the news has emerged that one of his ex-girlfriends has now become a nun. This is a woman that he dated when he was at Oxford. She's now known as Sister John Mary. Did she write a book on radical Italian psychiatry? But she did have a bit of an epiphany.

She had drink and drug problems and then... Oh, one of those. ...turned her back on it. Why is she called Sister John, Frank? You get that sometimes. Do they? I was taught by a woman called Mother Mary Adrian. Really?

Yeah. It worked. It was. It was, yeah. Is it like a boy named Sue? Is it so that they have to go through life? It toughens them up. It's just slightly toughens them up.

Is that what it is? So they have to fight the other nuns on a regular basis. No, I don't think it's that. They have to fight them, and they do DIY and put the bins out and stuff like that. I don't know why she was called Mother Mary Adrian. You know, I've never questioned it before. That's extraordinary. The odd thing is her surname was Charles.

It was a homage. They don't care about chronology. That's quite gutsy for a bloke, though, isn't it? Do you think? Oh, come on, if your ex becomes a nun, that is. If I had any men of the cloth in my back catalogue, I'd be gutted. And do you know you haven't, though? No, I don't.

I'd be thrilled if an ex of mine became a nun. Why? Well, then I'd have... You'd feel like you'd done some work for the big man. I think it's at last one of my exes have got a chance of forgiving me the trouble is we're going out with David Cameron he's always saying your ex-boyfriend

left you in a complete mess which is what he always does about the economy no I went out with with a actually can I tell this story let me feel No, I went out with a... Sister Adrian Childs. Actually, can I tell this story? No. Let me feel...

Let's have a little musical interview while you decide. Let me think of a way of telling this. I went out with a woman who, after our relationship, opsticks and moved to the island of Lesbos. Opsticks? Let me put it that way. And moved to the island of Lesbos. I'm sick. Let me put it that way. To the island of Lesbos. I'm sick.

There's a way of... One can see that, obviously. Alan has totally lost it. Oh, Alan's got tea coming down his nose. I hate that. Tea nosy, that's what I call it. You're right. I'm alright, yes. Okay.

And some people suggested to me that I should take that as something of a slap in the face. But I read it as a sort of a, well, I'm not going to top that. If nothing else gives us an insight into your relentless positivity, that is it. Yeah, well. A lot of people would take that as, wow, what kind of boyfriend was I that I put her off boys? But you go, she's obviously thought I'm never going to do better than that. I'll look at a different market. Well, I mean, I had to say there were signs.

What's good of signs? Did she wear a waistcoat? I had a post-coital cigarette. She had quite a large pipe. Sherlock Holmes style. And, well, anyway. She wore a three-piece tweed suit. Lived in Hebden Bridge.

What is that? Is that a big girl? She loved Peter Sackville West. She was a fan of hers. Yeah. Anyway, she was a very nice lady. Some of my best friends, etc. I think it was the... Moved to the up sticks and move to the island of Lesbo.

Yeah, I think it was Will Rogers. Can we use this phrase? I'll check it with Absolute. Will Rogers said, I never met a dyke I didn't like. Oh, yeah? And I don't know if you can still use that word, but I know what he meant. I think there's something lovely about having a friend who there's, you know, there's no chance.

Well, you've had that with me, to be fair. Never say never. Another one of those try-as-at-a-pounds, and anything could happen. The weird thing about David Cameron's ex becoming a nun story is how much the press have made a fuss of it, because I actually think it would be a better story if it was the other way round. If David

Cameron's nun became his girlfriend then we're talking front page. David Cameron owns a nun. I'm sure he's got a nun. They've got everything haven't they? Oh they probably have. At the click of his fingers he can be in touch with everyone in the world so surely he's got a nun on standby.

I imagine he's got a nun on his staff. Yeah. Not as we speak. But, um, oh, this has gone, it's gone too adult. It's gone bawdy, that. Do you know it's gone really adult? It's had, let's, I don't want to, I don't want to do adult. It was ever since you mentioned the A5 literary porn.

Yeah, I, you're right. I used to look back on this entire podcast with no little regret. Can we say that? Do you think she was superior in bed? One more, one more. That's the last one. That's the last one.

Thank you for not doing a habits joke. My girlfriend has said to me on a couple of occasions that she thought I'd make a good priest. She said that to me? Yeah. Again, usually to me. Yeah. Again, usually post-coital. Anyway, you know we get children listening to this. Do you know that?

Do we? No, I don't think so. No. We have precious few adults, let's face it. No, I think we do. I think we have people listen. So, what else I wanted to tell you

about something that I thought may interest you tell me yeah I recently went away with some friends me and my family

and them and theirs to their static caravan in the it was a bank holiday weekend and we went on the old I don't approve of that can I say that

you don't approve of the static caravan? No, sir. Why not? No, sir. Well, for someone that's been so bawdy during this podcast, it's... Can I just say, I know what you mean, Frank. It's interesting that you draw the line here. I know exactly what you mean.

I think they should be free range. You think so? What you're talking about is a caravan in chains. It is, yeah, I suppose. How many were there of you in the one caravan? That's what I didn't approve of. Two children. No, hang on, four children,

four adults. What birth was it? What birth? It's a big one, but I'll not lie, I never passed solids the whole time I was there. You know, you just think... This is one... This is the most disgusting podcast we've ever No. Because, you know, you just think... This is one... This is the most disgusting podcast we've ever done. This is our only ever parental advice podcast.

Well, you were asking about the proximity of me to the other guests, and I didn't... No, I wasn't asking. I was just wondering how big the caravan... I just think the whole point of a caravan is that it is mobile. You know, it moves about. What's the point of having wheels on it

and then keeping it static? Can I raise a difficult question at this point? The static caravan, is that it is mobile. You know, it moves about. What's the point of having wheels on it and then keeping it static? Can I raise a difficult question at this point? The static caravan, is that a trailer park? Yeah. Is that a UK trailer? So you were in a trailer park? Yeah, yeah, I went on holiday in a trailer park. It was only a day. Like Eminem's family or something. Yeah, yeah, just like that. I've seen that film. Not really, no, it's a bit

more swanky than that. It's nice. Swish. But we had a barbecue on the Sunday. Nice. Lovely. But they're fishitarians. They're those vegetarians that only eat fish. Pescatarians.

Yep. Fishitarians. I've never heard of that before. They're called pescatarians. Yeah, it's just a casual phrase I've used. Okay. We don't need to dwell on that. But let me tell you this.

And it would have worked too if it hadn't been for those pescatarians. All right, we do need to dwell on it very good no no go on um they had honestly the most fantastic array of condiments i've ever seen at a barbecue you would have been in heaven i know you love a pickle just off the top of my head you've've got your basics, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise. They also had a sweet corn relish. I've had that, yeah. A red pepper and tomato, like a saucy chutney thing. What's the yellow one with the bits in it?

That's my worst. You said mustard twice. That's a... Don't repeat them to make it sound like there's a bigger right into the back. Oh, there was an enormous ironically ironically the only one

that they didn't have that I could think of was barbecue when we were having a barbecue no one likes barbecue I think it's because they were vegetarians

and they were scared to go in and KFC and just get them out a little mustard's a masking agent not a condiment oh it's good I like a bit of mustard

but can't bear it I was excited with mustard can I say, are you aware of French's mustard? The American brand. Yeah, the squeezy one.

Hot dog mustard, yeah. I find that someone should have stepped in there. Do you remember there was a time when Absolute Vodka were talking about suing Absolute Radio for confusing people. Because people might think that they could get free vodka out of their DAB radio. I think that was the basis of the argument.

What worries me is that French is mustard is not French mustard. Yeah. You're right. It's not Dijon. I wonder how many couples have argued, maybe even split up, and left behind heartbroken children, when someone's been sent to get French mustard and has come back with Frenchies or vice versa. Yeah.

The possessive apostrophe is the problem as well, isn't it? And can I tell you, French mustard is not as mild and creamy as you might think. Only Coleman's French mustard is like that. Actual French mustard looks a little Dijon mustard. It's not as hot as your English. No. But it's got a bit of spiciness to it. Yeah. Well, you'd have loved this barbecue.

I'm calling that the mustard interlude. Yeah. Which, again, would be a great band name. A little mustard roundup there. When I said to them, this is a great array of condiments that you've got here, they did eventually crack under the pressure and say, well, it's because we're vegetarians

and our barbecues just aren't that good. Oh, so the food's so dull, they have to... It's a bit bland. They're veggie burgers. They have to put tiger balm on everything. Exactly, yeah. May as well, if you're going to put mustard. Oh, what a sad indictment of vegetarianism that you have to...

Yeah. I mean, there will be vegetarians now composing an email of reviews. Oh, like we're now putting the boot into vegetarians. No, I think it's true of all food. Richard. I think there is... I can't think of a food off the top of my head of savoury that isn't improved by pickle.

Why not make them taste more pickly? Save us all a lot of bother. I'll tell you what I love, though. A picnic. Oh, yeah. You know, spread a nice burberry, man. Spread a burberry.

No, I like the traditional tablecloth. I don't like the clearing up element. I can't bear it. And the glasses are smeary. Awful. I imagine you just put the whole lot in a bin at the end and then buy another picnic basket.

No, but there's something lovely about a picnic. I'm never happier. Well, maybe after a triazate pan. And why does Gingham feel so right? That wasn't a rhetorical question. Just thought the pill had kicked in. We'll get emails. Absolute Radio.