The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 25th Jan 2012

Episode Date: January 24, 2012

Frank is joined by Holly Walsh and Alun Cochrane for this weeks podcast, with chat about Franks unlikely double, Alun's trip to Bermuda and why Frank would make the ideal air steward

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! Oh, it's not the weekend podcast.

And if you did go down the road in your iPod, oh, then you shall listen to a rambling zone. I don't know why I did that. The podcast is being brought to you by Classic Folk Why isn't there a Classic Folk? That's a very good Why isn't there a Folk FM? Smooth Folk

There's probably Absolute Folk Smooth Folk would be a very good thing It's all about waxing Acid Folk Well you moisturise very well don't you? I do my best. I think there is a folk FM, but it's

a digital type of an affair. It's not a full scale. Not that that makes it any less. I get the feeling people who are into folk would shun the digital and just want analogue. It would be seen as sort of sacrilegious to their cause.

No, I agree with that. I'm a bit of a folk enthusiast myself. Not many people know this. Who's your favourite? My favourite? Folky. Well, that's a good... I used to be very keen on Liza Carthy. But I like the old shanties I like

like which ones? any old traditional shanty rather than the remixes something that sounds like it's actually people on board ship and in Birmingham we used to do a lot of canal shanties which were very popular

what? no I made that up. I've lied, I've lied earlier. I've got a couple of bath shanties. Yeah, I've got a shower shanty. I've even got a... What are those French things that you have next to a loo? A bidet.

A bidet shanty. I've got a flannel shanty. That's how small I've got. A wet white shanty. That's it, I'm leaving it at wet white. A sip shanty. That's how small I've got. A wet wipe shanty. That's it. I'm leaving it a wet wipe. A sip shanty. Stop it. I like wet wipe. We'll have to cut that out now. We won't.

The great thing about this is no matter how wrong it goes, we'll never cut anything out. You know why? Because we want you to know what we're like. We're fallible. We don't want to offer you some polished Jerry Seinfeld type of a front. Eat right. Yeah. Take the warts as well.

The warts and the verrucas are included, ladies and gentlemen. And actually, Frank, I think we should try and get some pictures that we've been sent up into, sent in, up rather, onto, I don't know, the Webber sphere or whatever it is.

Don't over-technicalise me. A man has sent a text, an email in with some pictures of you. It's not you, it's a look-a-likey, as they would have said on 90s TV. It's a guy in a crop top. Would you say a crop top? A slightly camp-looking gentleman. The guy described it as something different, didn't he? He said it's a belly shirt.

I think it's known as a belly shirt, but I've never heard that phrase before. It's not a belly shirt, it's a crop top. Yeah, I think it's a crop top. So it's a man in a crop top. It's a middle-aged man in a crop top, isn't it, in a club. And he says high-hater and bi-hater, which I'm assuming is like

for... We should say bi is B-Y-E. He's not a bi hater. I don't need to think that. Oh, he certainly doesn't look like he's a bi hater. No, no, he looks like he's a bi embracer. Yeah, he's a... A bi embracer is a bit like a bi racer,

but not quite so aggressive. Oh, I'm not sure he looks like he might be. Anyway, we should... Have you ever worn a crop top? Not deliberately. But I've worn things that have been... that have ridden up.

A couple of times it's too small. Things do ride up on me quite a lot because I have no chest really to hold them. I have no tapering in the upper torso. This is why you shouldn't shave your body hair. I don't. I thought you said earlier you did.

No, that was when I was going to host on Smooth Folk FM. I'll do anything for work. But, um, yes. So, I, uh... What was I talking about? Folk about folk music no the man in the it does does it look like me you can never tell what looks like you can you i think he looks like you must have had um situations where people have um been impersonators of you where people you know like you go to these

these websites where you can hire people who look identical to famous people have you ever met anyone who's your professional impersonator? No, I don't know if I'm at that level, where I'd get a professional impersonator. I've seen, obviously, like, Alistair McGowan does me and stuff like that, but he doesn't endeavour to look like me. Well, he couldn't, could he, with his crow's face? How could he?

Whereas my face is squidgy and round, his is sharp and angular. And relaxed. I like him, don't get me wrong, I like him a lot but I also think there's not enough lookalike stuff on audio Yeah, we don't do enough of that There's almost none on radio and podcast

There's not enough spot the difference on radio No That would be Can I say, welcome to the show Holly There's almost none on radio and podcasts. There's not enough spot the difference on radio. No. That would be... Can I say, welcome to the show, Holly. You've broken the arm off the chair, which every person has to do. That's exactly the sort of visual joke I was aiming at for that moment. Exactly.

We've got lookalikes, we've got visual gags, we've got it all. Yeah, that is the wonky chair. What about this, then? The sparrow hawk. Very good. I'm doing some hand shadow puppets at the moment. With no shadow. No shadow.

I still need a shadow. This is radio. Oh, what's become of us? So what was that? Yeah, so there's a man wearing a hater T-shirt. Yeah, high hater, by hater. How do you deal with haters? Well, haters, I should say, in case anyone is not aware of this,

it's a term, it's a relatively new term, is it? It used to be player haters originally, didn't it? Oh, right. No, you just hated anyone who was a bit of a player, anyone who'd done well and was... No, no, I think a hater is somebody who's just negging you the whole time. Right.

Who's whatting you? Negging you, like being negative about you. No, but a hater... Is it normally successful people that they hate? Yeah, yeah. Well, they just hate anyone. They'll just... If they hate you, they're a hater.

You know, I mean, I used to sit and think to myself sometimes, if I had a short meditation on Nazi Germany, I used to think, how did they manage to recruit people who would do such terrible, terrible things in Nazi Germany? And then you can look at any newspaper website, look at the comments after articles, and you think, no, no, there's plenty of these people about. We wouldn't have any trouble finding horrible

people. They're everywhere. It's just luckily now there's YouTube comments to release. Yeah, so they're the haters I think. So, yeah, I'd say I was an anti- hater. You were a hater-hater? I am a hater-hater, and yes.

My dad used to collect lawnmowers and there's a famous brand called a hater-hater? I am a hater-hater, and yes. My dad used to collect lawnmowers, and there's a famous brand called a hater. Just saying. Did he like them? Hashtag just saying. Haters? So high hater, by hater, would mean something very different in the lawnmowing community.

Wouldn't it? High specific brand of lawnmower. Goodbye specific brand of lawnmower. I'm calling this a hater hiatus. Are you going to stop that? That must be a surname, then. It's not called a hater because it hates grass. No, no, it was a brand.

Yeah, but it wouldn't have to be a surname. It wasn't a surname. No, it probably was a surname. No, I like the idea that it was a grass hater. Oh, right, yeah. What do you think? Well, a length. A length hater. Anyway, does it look like me is what I'm asking you, because we can never recognise our own lookalikes. I think it looks a bit like you, yeah.

I think from the bottom of the T-shirt to the top of the trousers, it looks a lot like you. OK. I think that's the bit the guy was going for they look alike i noticed on the website obviously the website's an american site so they don't identify it's looking as me it just says old man in hater shirt can i just point that out you've got a birthday coming up you do not need this kind of sledging do you no exactly but um it's uh it But it's a funny picture

and we'll put it up on our website and you'll be able to, you can listen and look that up probably at the same time. This is the 21st century. I think we'd all agree with that. I don't know how people have got those skills, but I'm aware that they do.

Yeah, there's probably a button in your hover car that you can press that'll bring it in. Oh, we were promised so much. I felt certain we'd have hover cars by now. You know what we've got? I've got rid of all my tyres. We've got suitcases on wheels.

I sold all my tyres to the township vigilantes in Johannesburg thinking that we would have hover cars by now. Although the phone-to-phone, the handheld face phone call on the Apple phone that you can do, that is the future, isn't it? I mean, I remember that being on Tomorrow's World or something.

I'm going to be honest with you. I've taken phone calls in places where I don't want people to see me. Oh yeah, I haven't done it. But the fact that it can be done... Yeah, but like everyone's answered the fact that it can be done. Yeah. Yeah. But like everyone's answered the phone on the loo once. Yeah. I've done various text messaging on there.

I get a lot of office work done on the loo. Yeah. That's the beauty of the iPhone. I might, sometimes I'll be in there singing a toilet shanty. The phone goes. Just having a quick shanty. And the phone goes.

And I think, actually, I tend not to. I don't like the idea. Yeah, but if you have to take it, you know. Yeah. Yeah, anyway. And on those occasions, surely you could just angle it upwards and no one would be, no one would know you were sitting on the toilet. Yeah, but the faces, you do.

No, you'd have to lay off the faces for the duration of the phone call. Yeah, have a little siesta. Yeah. What you don't want is a high... If you've got a raised cistern, you don't want that as a backdrop. No. Why are they called a drop? There's a good name for them.

Is there? The high one? A drop flush or something like that. It's something like that. Yeah, you don't want a... Sounds like something out of a water park. Nice. You don't want a drop flush as your like that. Sounds like something out of a water park. Nice. You don't want a drop flush as your wallpaper, as it were. That sounds like something entirely different.

Oh, it's been a day for mottos. Hasn't it? I don't know if you... Have you ever left anything weird in a hotel or found anything weird in a hotel? I left my heart in San Francisco. Oh, really? I went to an awful convention.

Wasn't that bad? It was... I don't think I've ever... I'm very... I've left a lot of... Actually, I've left about four charges. Oh, right, yeah. In hotels.

Charges? Charges. Then I've been about four charges. In hotels. Charges? Charges. Then I've been unable to attend the jousting tournament I was on my way to. A lot of travel jousting, don't you? A travel jouster is collapsible, yeah. Yeah, I always I've gone around the country jousting.

It's much neglected as a sport. There was a point where our household had probably eight Nokia chargers because I was buying them every time I forgot to take one and then getting back home and thinking that I didn't have... Yeah, I've got so many from having to buy them when I've left them, I've started to plait them. That's the lyrics from your new folks' audience, isn't it? I've got them in braids.

I braided my chargers My charger lead is braided sweet Fold a riddle day, hey That's the trouble. It's folk songs need to step into the 21st century. The reason I asked about what stuff... My hover car is swinging free. No, sorry. I'm stuck with it now.

I would put my finger in my ear if I didn't have headphones on. Don't let me stop you. I don't want to put my finger in my headphone. That's probably... It's got electrics in it. Sorry, I thought that was one of your updated photo songs that you were starting. No, enough now. I don't want to put my finger in my headphone. That's off a new Ralph Riddell album.

You asked this question... Sorry, Holly. You said, with a lute. No, we're off again. With a... Various things. To the lascivious pleasing of a lute. Various things being left in a hotel. I always leave quite boring things like old T-shirts and a digital recorder.

I left three England scarves in my South African hotel when I left the World Cup, thinking I won't be needing those again. Oh, really? Because I determined I would never, ever watch England again under any circumstances. I calmed, I calmed. I thought you were doing that as a memento for the cleaners. No, it's more of a memento mori, if you receive my meaning. Yeah, I get you, yeah.

Now, there was a thing in the paper, wasn't there, about unusual things left in them? Yeah, and really unusual. I mean, things like a hamster. That's unusual. But what I like about it is the hamster had a name called Frederick, but that hamster would have been unable to communicate the fact that it was called Frederick. Unless someone had left a note saying, please find a home for Frederick.

Or a name tag, like on a dog. Yeah. Or a child at a festival. I don't know if you know this nowadays. It's quite common if you have a child at a festival. You tattoo them before you go. Yeah, we wrote our phone number on his arm

in case he got lost. In a deadable marker pen? Yeah, yeah. Permanent marker pen right on his arm. No, it was just in pen. But, yeah. That's a good idea. Clever, isn't it? Yeah. We're full of them. You should get him actually one of those dog tags. Yeah. With that on. them. You should get them actually one of those sort of dog tags.

Yeah. With that on. Well, that would be the next step for the festival. Or just get one of those tracer thing, you know, for pets when they put a sort of... Yeah, and pet insurance. Yeah, or those serial numbers that you have on your cars that you just have to shine a light on and you could... Just put a barcode on it.

Don't take it. That's my motto. Just don't take it, leave it with the neighbours. One of the things listed... Frankie says, don't take it. One of the things listed on the newspaper article about things left in hotels was an 18-month-old boy who was accidentally left behind in a Winchester travel lodge.

I hope he had the number on his arm. I don't know if he did, but they thought... How could that happen? They each thought that the other one had put him in the car seat. What they should have done is looked at the car seat. Yeah, yeah. For evidence. It's a really easy test, isn't it?

Did I ever tell you that story about when I went out with a woman and she was going to move in with me, so I went to get some of her clouds and a cat from her house. And I had this old Irish driver who used to drive me called Jerry. He was a very funny bloke. And we got in the car and we were going along for a bit and I said, hold on a minute, where's the cat? Where's the cat?

And he said, send the boot. I said, stop the car. I said, I can't believe you put it in the boot. He said, there's a fierce amount of air in there. Did the cat survive? Oh yeah, the cat was fine. They can live in a boot for ages. How did it find moving house? People had a puss in boots, surely.

Oh man, I make myself laugh at times. I used to stay at a place in Southend where there was so much human hair on the inside of the shower curtain that I reckon you could have peeled the curtain away and the human hair would have stayed there as a human hair partition. I was once in a swimming pool and someone said there was a toupee, but it wasn't, it was just a filter had coughed. Oh! It was rank. A filter had coughed. Oh! It was rank.

A filter had coughed? It looked like a bit of wig. Oh, no. This has quite turned my stomach. I love that story. My favourite left behind... Do you know the Jermaine Pennant story? Oh, he forgot.

He had a car. He had a car, didn't he? He was playing for Real Zaragoza and after he left, they found a Porsche on the railway station car park that had been there for five months and they found him up and said, this is your car. He said, I don't even remember owning a Porsche. Wow. Even the car parking money would be plaguing me for that time.

And the keys were on the seat, that's all. No. It's a fabulous story of wanton modern footballer type stuff. How on earth is that possible, that it wasn't nicked? Well, the heat... How did that Porsche not get stolen in that five months? If the keys were on the seat, that's ridiculous. Well, I think, you know, you're judging it on broken Britain.

I think in Spain... No, no, I'm judging it on bad criminals in Spain. That, to me, is an obvious... They're all retired, the ones in Spain. They're all British ones who are now taking it easy. I think the Spaniards are a nation of, you know, toreadors and explorers. They're not car thieves.

I like the idea that a retired criminal from Britain was walking past, saw the keys on the seat of the Porsche and thought 15 years ago I'd have had that. Yeah. Anyway, back to my watercolours. But if you found anything that was valuable in a hotel, what would you do?

I find it weird that you could though, because between the previous guest and you, there's a cleaner that presumably hoovers up everything. Yeah, but I'm guessing, like, the 18-month boy must have fell down the back of a chair or something, so the cleaner missed him. I don't know how thorough they are. If I found an 18-month boy, I'd probably hand it in at reception.

No, finders keepers, losers weepers, that's the deal. That's a good point. That stands up in a court of law. Yeah, but, you know, we don't know that the equipment had been left behind. You know, there would be no be no clothes for him, no boggy. He'd be a burden. He would be a burden.

So, I don't know what he means. He left a one million pound emerald ring in a hotel bathroom. I wouldn't have married him. No, I mean, she took it off to wash her hands. How rich are you? That's like a Jermaine Pennant-level story, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Oh, of course.

No, I think you could do that with a ring, couldn't you? You ran back seven minutes later. Oh, really? And it was still gone. And it no longer had gone. How many minutes? Seven. Wowee.

What country was that in? Hong Kong. Oh, well, there you go. Am I right? There you go. No, but there's a lot of poor in? Hong Kong. Oh, well, there you go. Am I right? There you go. No, but there's a lot of poor people in Hong Kong. Maybe it isn't Hong Kong, but I think the Hong Kong police are involved in it. Can you speak into the mic? You're starting to sound like your voice is off.

It is off. Yeah, it is a bit. I wasn't going to mention it. Way past his own by date. I think it should go back in the fridge. Yeah, it was Hong Kong. The Four Seasons Hotel in Hong Kong. Oh, that's posh. She must have been drunk.

I reckon she was drunk. But if you imagine, there's poverty, isn't there? There's poverty in Hong Kong as well. So, you know, if the cleaners is that, I think that's fair enough. Yeah. That'd probably feed her family forever. It'd feed mine forever, yeah. If I found it, you know what?

I think I might hand it in. Do you? Yeah, otherwise I think it would nag at me. Yeah, yeah. I don't need the money. Why? So it would be listed as theft and people would be able to find it because somehow they can identify diamonds, even when they're cut again. Yeah.

Yes, well, that's true. I found a wallet once with, well, a purse with 28 quid in it. And in a proper purse with what I would call, I don't think this is the official title, but it's what I always call a giraffe fastener. Oh, I think I know what you mean. They look like, you know those two things on the top of a giraffe's head? Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they are. Are they antennae?

No, I know what you're talking about now. Are they antennae? Ears. Yeah, they've got ears. No, no, they've got ears. They're a separate entity. They're phone masks. Is that what they are? They pick up better.

Because they're so tall. Great reception up there. They've got to deal with Nokia and stuff. They've got to deal with O2. They always look like those two things have been um sort of combed together combed to a point yeah and and that's that's what the fastener is on the purse you're with me yeah they look like sort of two baubles having an arm wrestle yeah another thing they look like or two swan neck bollards from the calder and Hebel Navigation person together. Yes, and that.

OK, good. Someone will let us know what is properly called that kind of clasp. I don't know what those fluffy things with the ribbon coming off them that you stick and you get them sort of as publicity things. I don't know what they're called. Freebies. No, I tried to Google them the other day and I didn't know what they were called. What are fluffy things with a ribbon coming off them?

It's a little fluffy thing and then it's got a ribbon coming off it. And on that ribbon is usually like... The name of a charity? Yeah, or like the sports centre or whatever. And they give them out in sort of like an upgrade of a sticker. Do you know what I'm talking about? I do know, yeah. But you're right.

I don't know what they're called. No, but someone will let us know. That is the great thing about this show, is someone out there knows everything. The oracle. It is. The combined knowledge of our listenership is beyond Wikipedia.

But they wouldn't have a two-day blackout. No. True. They might do. There's quite a lot of heavy drinkers. About a big weekend. Amongst them, I have to say. So, speaking of living the high life,

one of our presenters has been to Bermuda. Indeed. We even had an email from someone that had seen me there calling me the lad. So the lad himself. It's a long time since I've had an email like that. No, it's nice. What do I get?

Old man in belly shirt. It's a tough comparison. I'm over it. I did. I went to Bermuda to do some comedy gigs. I have to ask the question. Is there a preponderance of shorts in Bermuda? Yes.

A lot of the men wear shorts and high socks. I was teasing them, saying it's a ridiculous little island of manboys, like scouts and stuff. And it is a ridiculous island. 22 miles, did you know that? It's only small. I thought it was further away than that.

22 miles? What did you row? I think it was the Isle of Wight. Yeah, I think you've got a bit mixed up. And much to my amusements. Was there a lot of motorcycling going on? Was there a lot of sand in the test tubes of different colours? No, but I don't think I'd know a Bermuda short. What's the distinction?

Well, it's not like a Hawaiian short. It's a smart, quite tailored-looking short. Is there such a thing as an Hawaiian short? Well, there's Hawaiian shorts. You know, like a sort of a brightly patterned summery thing? I know the shirt. It's more like almost like a tailored

Chino short. A turn-up maybe? You could have a turn-up, or you could have it just straight. Could you have a pleated front? I believe they have a pleated front, yeah. Well, I mean, one could golf at the best establishments in those kind of... I realise now I should have brought you some Bermuda shorts back. Well, that would have been... I would have enjoyed that. Well, as it is, I have a confession to make.

I did what I am prone to do. I bought three postcards while I was there, one of which... Well, that's your hey, big spender. Everyone who goes to Bermuda buys shorts, surely. You bought three postcards. I bought some other stuff, but I mean, it was a postcard story I was going to regale you with. Not really regale, it's quite a...

No, I'm happy to be regaled. It's quite an unsatisfying story. Because I lost my last kale. I bought postcards and wrote them. I blew it. One of which was for this show, and I was going to post it to Absolutes, thinking it would get back here before I did.

Lovely. And then I put it in my bag and brought it with me. People do that so often with postcards. Always do that. And it just, it now makes me feel like my self-esteem is damaged, because now essentially I'm a postman, like long distance as well, for no money whatsoever. You're an airmail. Yeah essentially I'm a postman like long distance as well for no money whatsoever. You're an airmail.

Yeah, I'm an airmail. Think about the carbon footprint you didn't contribute. So if you didn't make yourself feel good. Would it have been that good though for three? It would have been very insignificant. It might have come back on the same plane anyway. Anyway. True that. It could have. And I didn't put a lot

on the message because one thing I don't like about postcards is when you try and squash a lot of writing into you know the gap where it's sort of oh no, I don't like it creeping under the address, well I think that's the early version of Twitter isn't it, where people are trying to squash it into a, I think the

joy of a postcard is you can get away with a very short message big writing, what people want is they just want to be able to put the I think the joy of a postcard is you can get away with a very short message. Yeah. Big writing. People, what people want is they just want to be able to put the postcard on the mantelpiece so that, you know, I know people who go abroad. Yeah, well. That's all. They're not after the message.

Well, I've brought the show. I've brought the show with postcards. That's what they do. Postcards say, I'm so special that when people are away having a break, they still think about me. And that's what happens. Yeah. Albeit I didn't buy a stamp and post it break, they still think about me. And that's what happened. Yeah. Albeit I didn't buy a stamp and post it, but I did think of you.

But I've never been to a country that's completely solved that system. Everywhere I've been, it's been easier to buy a postcard than a stamp to your country. Yeah. And that needs to be properly sorted. Especially in the digital age, where I could have just taken a nice picture and pinged it on my phone that moment. Well, exactly.

It's too slow. But I'm a postcard enthusiast. Are you? Well, you enjoy this one. It's got a bridge on it. So there you go. Well, that could have featured in my Christmas Day church service. That might be what I've written on the back. Oh, I love

an in gag on a postcard as well. Or any kind of gag. And yeah, 22 mile island that while I was there hosted a marathon. That's funny, isn't it? It was a bit of a curve at the end. That is funny. I said, you know, it's a nice island when people are prepared to run around bits of it twice during the marathon. That's nice, isn't it?

Does anyone ever mention the triangle? Whilst I was there, nobody mentioned it. I don't know if it's one of those things where you go all that way and it becomes a bit of a hack thing to mention or if just everyone forgot. Or they just don't talk about it. Maybe they don't talk about it much.

But I flew back and I was quite... I thought Holly was referring to your bikini life. We should explain to the listeners that I am only in a two-piece. Yeah, exactly. And this, yeah, is not kempt. I flew back and British Airways... Ross kempt, you mean. I'm Ross kempt, I'm on kempt.

It's the new word for Brazilian. I've had it Ross kempt. I've had it Ross kempt I've had it Ross Kemp. There was this really quite serious delay on the plane and I didn't get an upgrade. I was kind of hoping that I would get upgraded. The guy who promoted the gig said, oh, I've managed to get upgrades for the last two British comics,

so on the way back you'll get an upgrade. Didn't get an upgrade, but yet, at Christmas time, I was walking along in Manchester, and a big issue seller, big issue please, and I said, no, it's alright. And he went, oh, it's the cockerel! I'll tell Frank on you! So, I mean, how come I get recognised by somebody selling the big issue, but nobody with any power? By the way, is he in regular contact with you? He faced me about it on his 4S. Now I haven't

heard from any. I like the way you said no, it's alright. Like he... You were doing it in my face. I have a policy to always reply because I saw a documentary. I always reply. To what?

To people in the street that offer you things, because apparently, like, beggars and big issue sales, people ignore them to the point where they can go a whole day and they start thinking they're invisible, and it's quite disturbing to their psychology. So I always say, oh, no, thank you, I'm all right. That would account for the fact there was one in my bathroom the other day. He'd obviously thought he was invisible, followed me home,

thinking he'd get away watching me get undressed, and boy, did he have a bit of a shock, I'll tell you that. I was doing a soap dish shanty at the time. I looked round, and there he was. Did he sing you Roskem? I don't understand how you got recognised on a radio show. Exactly. Unless you would have been talking out loud, and he would have had some sort of incredible recognition a radio show. Exactly. Unless he would have been talking out loud and he would have

had some sort of incredible recognition of your voice. But people do spot... When you said, no, thank you, I bet he thought, oh, that's the gun call. But he would have said that... Oh, no, you're right, yeah. But even still, that's incredibly clever. Or he might occasionally... He might have, like, Dave and

Insomnia and have seen me on television at times. I mean, I'm not saying... I thought he was a homeless person. He's got Dave. I didn't go over and say, how can you be downloading a podcast? It seems a bit rude. No, no, they don't like that.

They won't be confronted with... I don't know. I don't know how he... I sat outside a cafe once and a man came over to me and said, have you got any spare change? And I don't like it when you're sitting outside a cafe. I like to be passing traffic. Yeah.

And I said, no, I won't. And he said, oh, come on, you're on telly. I was on telly the other night. You've got money. I said, how do you know I was on telly? And he said, well, he sat down. He said, I'm not really homeless. No.

He said, I'd just chuck the blanket over my shoulder and go out for a couple of hours on the night, get a bit of extra cash. You're kidding. And I said, don't tell me this, I'll never ever give to the homeless again. Oh, no. Sure enough. Ten years later, they're still married. And if he's listening, thank you so much.

My conscience is clear. Also, on the way back, it occurred to me that you've got the ideal physique for cabin crew, Frank. What are you trying to say? I'll tell you what I'm trying to say. I noticed one of the British Airways cabin crew had an incredibly wide back. I mean, huge.

At one point, in the aisle, he did a three-point turn to come back on himself. Did it include him going, uh? Yeah, he beat us. to come back on himself. Did it include him going, uh? He beat us. Yeah, but what you really want is someone tall enough to reach up to the thing but not have to stoop, and someone lithe enough to turn on a sixpence.

You are the ideal cabin crew physique. Think about that for a while. Have you got a wide back then? No. No, I've got a very narrow back. My arms... I am a narrow back. It's? No. No, I've got a very narrow back. My arms... You're narrow for the aisle, don't you? I am a narrow back.

It's a breed of sheep, I think. No, my arms join at the neck, basically. So, yeah, I could slip between two joined seats. Have you ever thought about shoulder pads? I've thought about them, yeah. But I have thought about... You know you can have pec implants? Oh, yeah. I've thought about...

I don't know if I've ever thought, I'm going to do it, but I've thought, you know, I'd look so much better if I had pectorals. I don't know. I don't know if you would. With the swimming, you might end up buff. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.als. I don't know. I don't know if you would. With the swimming, you might end up buff. Yeah, that's true. No, I don't think I will. I might end up drowned. I suppose that'll fill me up a bit if my lungs are full of water.

No, you don't think I'd look better with pectorals. How can you say that? What about kestrels? Now you're talking. Okay, I'll do that then. Pterodactyls? One on each shoulder. People will never look at your nips. Oh, I'll do that then Get two kestrels Pterodactyls One on each shoulder People will never look at your nips Oh, I'd love to go out with a big gauntlet and a pterodactyl

It's my birthday on Saturday So if anyone was wondering what to get me Sorted Absolute Radio Frank Skinner