The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast 26th October 2011

Episode Date: October 25, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss the 36 hour post date rule, eBay protocol and this season's hatwear.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio. Hi. It's Not The Weekend podcast with Frank Skinner.

Hello, Mr. Radio. And Alan and Emily. And welcome to regular... I'm going to keep going. Regular listeners. And any new people that are here visiting for the weekend. That's what they always say in church. Oh, is it? Non-Catholics, welcome.

But when you come up for communion, just cross your arms above your chest and you'll get a blessing. Okay, so Are you not allowed to have the booze? No, they don't get no wafer. You don't just come in and get wafer. Right, yeah.

Oh, I'm glad you told me that. You've been a hideous social faux pas. You don't do carbs. I thought it was like when people give carbs to get a biscuit. Of course, if you believe in transubstantiation, it's not carbs anymore. There you go. It's a difficult... Oh, I think the Atkins for Catholics was a nightmare.

Nightmare. Still, this is not a religious podcast, if that's what you're worried about. This is... Not always. We have the odd flash, but I think that's all right. There's many different strands of reference point for this, isn't there? Of course.

I think that's fair to say. Yeah, of course. And, yeah, so this is... This is it. Whose album is... This Is It. Whose album's called This Is It? Well, I don't know, but it was Bob Geldof's autobiography. It was called Is That It? Oh, really?

I remember. Who is This Is It? Oh, was that Michael Jackson? It was. Yes, it was Michael Jackson. No, it was The Strokes. OK. Oh, that's right, yeah.

That's who it was. I'm not going to pretend that the... For some reason, the producer passed me that on a note. Like, as if I'd take credit for someone else's remembering. So it was Emma Newman who remembered that it was The Strokes. I want to make that official. Strange Cluedo move. That's off to her.

Yeah, that's off. I have an email from during the week from Richard from Coventry. I don't know if you remember I told you last week... I thought you were going to say, do you remember him? Because I used to live in Coventry. You know him. He's over by Paul Meadow. Do you remember I told a story last week about eating a burger

that had been sneezed in by the member of staff? I'll be honest, Cockrell, the only thing I remember from the last three or four weeks is you moaning about the smell of the headphones on these podcasts. I've got a very keen sense of smell. It's more of a curse than a gift. How can you get a smelly head? What do they smell of? Earwax?

It's a sort of cheap perfume he's objecting to. Cheap perfume? It's not mine. I've checked. No. It's a much more... I'd describe it as a more elderly fragrance. Oh, the Charlie, maybe. Exactly. Who? Charlie, do you remember that?

Used to be a popular perfume in the 70s. Right, no, I don't think it's Charlie. Right. Anyway, the response to my Snotburger story is the email addressed to FEA, which I think is Frank, Emily and Alan. On last week's show, Alan described his snot burger from a burger van. Due to the proximity of your beloved baggies, I thought I'd share my story. I work in a factory on Bridge Street, Smedwick, Birmingham,

just behind the WVA ground, and outside is a burger van. I popped out for a bacon sandwich and was asked if I wanted butter, to which replied yes. He scooped the butter up but it flew off and landed on his very very grubby t-shirt. I think we know where this is going. Yes. Quick as a flash, he retrieved the butter and

proceeded to apply it to the bread. I too said nothing out of politeness. I stand validated there. I'll eat almost anything through politeness. Yeah, but if it was done quick as a flash, then there's...

That rule... Yeah, the rule, that'd be alright. It wouldn't have had time to really mingle. Two second rule, stuff on the floor or... It wouldn't mingle with a t-shirt in that time. It'd still be... Oh, that's fine then. Yeah. I suppose the worry is if he scraped the butter off

and got some of the old dirt with it. Oh, a bit of T-shirt mucus came off it. Yeah, exactly. That could have happened. I hadn't thought of that. I also liked Richard's rather amusant postscript. Oh, yeah? Where he says,

With Christmas fast approaching, how about we start a Radio 4 style appeal but with a slightly lighter hearted feel? I suggest we sponsor a tuba player to shadow BFM through the festive period. I should say BFM is Britain's fattest man. I love the idea of him being... Certainly not Britain's fastest man.

No, no. Well, it is when he's in McDonald's. Yeah, Britain's fattest man accompanied by a tuba player for the Yuletide season would be magnificent. Because you couldn't... I'm sure he'd prefer a cornet. I mean, I'm suspecting that... Who is it from Coventry? Richard.

Richard. I'm suspecting he can't be that slim. Anyone who has butter on a bacon sandwich. Oh, I know what you mean, Frank. See, bacon comes with its own lubricant, doesn't it? Because bacon, if you look at... I don't know if you've ever looked at bacon side-on, but it's a bit like a contour map with hills and valleys, and the valleys of bacon contain lakes of fat.

So when you put it on the... It's sort of self-based, I always think, bacon. I sometimes have to rest it briefly on a kitchen towel. You actually do the kitchen towel thing? Yeah, I do the kitchen towel thing. No, I've never... I just put it on the man's T-shirt and give it a bit of a rub to dry it out.

No, I've seen people do the kitchen towel with chips as well. Take chips out of a chip pan and put them straight into a kitchen towel. Always, yeah. I think if you don't want fat, don't eat bacon and chips is my advice. Yeah, that's good. You can put that on a T-shirt. That's a good idea. I said you can put that on a T-shirt.

Extra, extra large. A big T-shirt. Exactly. Frank, we've had another email in. This is from another Richard. He says, I don't know if you saw this, but what I believe to be the most unfair sporting event ever happened this week. Was it West Bromwall?

No. It was when ATM, that's Asia's tallest man, took on CSM, China's smallest man. China's smallest man? In a game of basketball. That is unfair. Well, I've got the heart. The tallest man versus the smallest. Do you want to know the heights?

Yeah. I know them. Well, I tallest man versus the smallest. Do you want to know the heights? Yeah. I know them. Well, I'll give you the names first. Richard says, in case you didn't see it, here are the names for Emily's benefit. Asia's tallest man, ATM, is Zhuang Han. China's smallest man, CSM, is Zhuang Han. You see, I was really hoping that one of them would be called Slam Donk. Zhuang Han is 2.38 metres high.

Oh, I never know what that means. Well, I'm about to tell you. He's the big one. I'm about to tell you. That's 7 foot 8. OK. That much I knew. Yeah.

Zhuang Han is actually 3 foot 3, which I don't think that's that small. We've switched from metres to feet there. Yes, because Frank doesn't understand metres. Oh, OK. Nor do I not understand them. I despise them. Three foot three, that's pretty. Come on, for basketball.

He's playing against a man who's seven foot eight. I happen to know that the hoop is about ten feet high, isn't it, on a basketball court. You happen to know that? Yeah, I happen to know that. Oh, well. I just remember it from school. I think we can guess the result. Oh, yeah.

Was there a result? Um... How did two people play? Were they accompanied by other... Well, I saw some photographic evidence. Did you? Yes. And Zhuang Huan was lifting Zhu Guan up in the air. That's it. That's the trouble

with being the smallest man. People can't put you down. Get manhandled. They cannot put you down. It was frankly humiliating. Yes. I can imagine... Who's the redhead from Girls Aloud? Nicola Roberts.

Oh, yeah. I can imagine her with the China's smallest man in like a blanket on her way into a limousine. You know, they carry the chihuahua. Yeah, that's what people want to do. It's only political correctness that keeps those people from complete humiliation, the world's smallest. I'd love a world's smallest.

I mean, what, as a boyfriend? In a little bag. No, in a little bag. With the head just sticking out. No, but that's it, you see. People's urge is to do that. Even then he's patronised in that, as a boyfriend. Boy then he's patronised, isn't that, as a boyfriend. Boy, he's a man, isn't he? He's a man.

Yeah, no, but I still call my girlfriend my girlfriend. Well, that's true. And she, to be fair, she's only 16. So, Frank, there's been a rather hideous... Don't judge me! Sorry. There's been a rather hideous revelation this week. What, more hideous than that yes can i

say it was a joke she's not i'm not going to say her age obviously i'd rather you think i was some sort of fiend than get my head punched when i get home carry on it's called the 36 hour rule and this refers to is that how long you can leave butter on a T-shirt? No. OK. It's to do with, it's the length of time that you basically have to hear from a guy now. It used to be called the three-day rule. You two might be familiar with this as old players. Oh, after first date. Exactly.

Old players. I like the fact that I've somehow ended up in the Venn diagram bit of old players. Is it the man that has to call? Er, yeah. Oh, that was... Yes. When I think of the opportunities I've probably missed, then, waiting. The man absolutely has to call. My role was always, if...

I mean, it was much less than that. It was like 40 minutes. If I didn't have a call from the woman after 40 minutes, if they called later than that, I'd always begin, who is this? No, I never had the courage to be the one who called, I think. But also

36 hours, that's so harsh. I mean, three days was bad enough. Three days of pacing up and down like a lunatic. Yes, nightmare. But now, if he doesn't call you within that's one and a half days that's it that's better in a way because no because sooner but no because i like those three days of kidding myself you want three days of deluding yourself thinking he's had a terrible accident there's a paramedic leaning over him it's so anxious isn't

it first dates absolutely i tell you what one i get as well is if you go around someone's house or see someone and have a nice time and you say it's been great seeing you, you know, lovely, take care, see you soon and blah blah, then you say goodbye and a bit of a hug and you go and you're in the car on the way back and the text goes and it's the same person saying great

seeing you tonight, have a lovely time. I thought well who said that? Who said that. He said that at the end. Why have you texted me? And I really don't, there's something going on there, I think. I think it's all about getting something in writing in case I'm killed that night. It's establishing that I've left their house and on good terms. Why else do it? We've had the conversation. It's the alibi text, isn't it? Yeah, so I always

text back, you've got a nerve saying that after you've just threatened to kill me. Thought about an edge. Yeah, 36 hours is a weird amount of time. I don't know who's drawn that up. I mean, what is it that people are doing? Well, no, it's to do with technology, Alan, isn't it now? Because it used to be three days

for the postman to arrive. Whereas now with texting, you can't really fool yourself anymore. That's the trouble. So is there a point, like, after 36 hours where someone, if they haven't updated their Facebook status saying, in a relationship, then they're in trouble? Is that what happens? I don't know. I don't

do any of these things. I'd be worried if after a first date, someone went to in a relationship then they're in trouble is that what happens? I don't know, I don't do any of these things. I'd be worried if after a first date someone went to in a relationship, wouldn't you? That's like, shall we get a dog together? Yeah. No, I think... That's like basically waking up the next morning looking through a copy of Brides magazine. Yeah.

I think, you know, softly, softly catchy monkey in these things and I've been out with a few. Who wants a monkey? Yeah. Well. Nice. Trevor Nunn, as we've established.

But no, I do, I've just find... I love it when she turns around and says, I've only got two pairs of hands, you know. Trevor Nunn. Oh, well, unkind. They split off anyway. No, I think, I'm surprised it's that long, to be honest. I think that's a hell of, yeah. I thought it would be

five minutes these days. After first day, I would honestly, that would be, as far as I was, if I didn't hear in 36 hours, if I didn't hear in the next day, it's gone. I'm almost surprised that it isn't the taxi text, the taxi text that you were just

talking about. That was great, let's do it again on following Friday or whatever. That's just Lecturer's Drunkards, the taxi text. Yeah. I think I used to. I had that in my game. I'm happy to be off that. Was that part of your game? That was part of my plan, yeah.

I think I used to... Well, that's the thing, that's the advice I'd give to any woman, is the bloke who only text you when he's drunk. Is that not good, then? Maybe there's no future in that. So, Frank, would you say, in general, any texts after 10.30, 11 o'clock as well? Well, I used to end the first date by saying, so shall we meet again? Oh, that's lovely, Frank.

Nice lead with your chin. It wasn't always lovely. Sometimes it was like, you know, those proposals you sometimes see on the internet, like televised proposals where the woman says, can we talk about this? Well, sometimes it was a bit like, shall we meet again? You know, that's terrible. Yeah. I can see why people want to put it off.

You see, you two don't strike me as game players, I have to say. No. I can't remember. want to put it off. You see, you two don't strike me as game players, I have to say. No. I can't remember. It's been so long. I don't think texting existed. I think it was all done by landline at best. The last time I was playing the field, as it were. Me too. Moi aussi.

Very nice. I believe. Why me? Le cox sportif ladies and gentlemen when it comes to French I'm now out okay

so but basically guys but basically well your advice to me I'm slightly stunned by your lack of if you don't hear in 24 hours

forget it forget about it 24 yeah 24 years take a place or is there one looming? Never ask, never ask, Emily.

Oh, OK. Never. OK. How do you know there hasn't been more than one? I've got the death stare again. Oh, God. Don't often get the death stare. It's gone very cold.

I might have to put another couple of layers on. There might have been more than one. I mean, has there been a recent date where you're still... You'll get updates. You'll get... I haven't, though. Updates. Maybe not on air.

Oh, OK. You will get them. OK. I mean, it frees you up to watch, like, one and a half series of 24 on DVD, doesn't it? Yeah, but that's what worries me, is that I'm one box set away from defeat. I don't like that. Well one and a half. It should really go for 24.

It should be a round number so that you don't have to split a series shouldn't it? I think the idea is that people might wait a day for you to text them and if you haven't, by then when they haven't slept all night that night they're thinking well I'm going to have to text because right i'd rather humiliate myself with rejection than let this

you know when you went that first text after the first day text about it takes about 36 hours to compose it yeah yeah i'll spend 12 hours wondering whether i should put a kiss or not. Oh, yeah. So, you know, it's a business. Generally, the quicker I text, the less I care. Oh, really? If they get same day, nah. Is that a bit like, the more I see you, the more I want you? Yeah.

Yes, I was a long way from the microphone. God, it was one second. Shut up. Now, Frank, you didn't comment this morning on my hat. No, I loved your hat. Did you? You looked like the old Chelsea girl logo.

Oh, Frank! You looked so 60s. Well, I mean early 60s. How dare you? I thought you looked really like a 60s Chelsea swinging girl. Swinging? No, well, I am quite on trend at the moment because that's a very big nail. like a 60s Chelsea swinging girl. Swinging? No, well, I am quite on trend at the moment because the hats are very big now.

Hats are very big? Very big. My hats are very big. That's because I've got the biggest head in British comedy, I've been told. Can you tell me, what are you rooting around for in there? I bought a hat with me. Oh, did you?

Yeah. It's all right, keep going. OK, well, I'll give you some stats, Frank. What are you doing? You're wrapping Christmas presents. No, I'm looking for my hat. Sales of flats. They love this, the listeners. They love a bit of on-air chaos.

Frank. Yes. This is crazy. Oh, there we go. Oh, has he got a hat? Let's have a look. Oh, Frank we go. Oh, has he got a hat? Let's have a look. Oh, Frank! Frank! I've gone for the flat cap. David Baddiel said that whenever I put on a flat cap,

I look like the most working-class person in Britain. Do you agree? I like it. Sometimes you say it best when you say nothing at all. Yes, exactly. Although, David Baddiel, can I say, before we go into this, any hat that David Baddiel ever wore made him look incredibly Jewish.

I mean, by his own confession. Not even like the Jewish hats. But I remember once... They don't do confession. No, as part of a costume, he had to... I think he was a parrot or something, and he had to wear parrot plumage. He still looked Jewish.

He looked like a Jewish parrot. Polly wants a matzer. Oh, Frank, do you know, you and... We should tell the listeners, Frank has got... It's your classic flat cap, isn't it? Your Andy cap. What, would we call that a tartany... That's a Harris tweed.

It's a Harris tweed. It's a Harris tweed. It's a Harris tweed. It's a Harris tweed. And Frank looks rather, I feel such tremendous affection for him at this moment. I look in the mirror, I see Will Tappers and Shonta's club. And is it new? Is it a new hat? No, no, I've had the

thing is, you see, I've got a very big head and so none of my, I can't really wear hats. I'd love to be able to wear hats. i think that works yeah but it still feels a bit it's easier you see i'll have a red line around my head when i take this off and you see the red line it looks like a lid oh now everyone but me's got a hat you haven't got a hat i have i've got a beanie in the bag i'll get my beanie out if you want beanie in the bag yeah I'll get my beanie out if you want. Beanie in the bag. Yeah, get your beanie out.

Not you, eh? No, I've got my red line now on my head. You see that? I look like... It's a pimple. It's sort of separate. I look like a novelty Frank Skinner biscuit barrel. I think you look really sweet in...

See, I worried a bit about my hat because I thought I looked a bit like a singing teacher. Like a... Do you know what I mean? They're sort of slightly mental. It's more sort of theatrical. Yeah, it is a little bit. hat, because I thought I looked a bit like a singing teacher. Do you know what I mean? It's a theatrical hat. Yeah, it is a little bit. But that's not a bad thing. Oh, isn't it? Oh, that's good. You're a theatrical sort of person, aren't you?

Quite dramatic. Well, yes. I think that's fair. But apparently, because now hats are really trendy, so sales of flat caps have gone up 75%, Frank. That's quite a big stat. I read that, but I can't help but think that is a newspaper being behind the curve because I think people have been wearing flat caps for the last five or six years, haven't they?

Surely that's not a big thing. No, it's very strong. ACDC. All the caps. Oh, it's like a cap exhibition, ACDC. Yeah. And I think it's also a generation thing. I think men of my age, I'm 36,

and I think there's a point where you think, I'm past the baseball cap now, I can't be wearing a baseball cap anymore. And that's why the flat cap is there. Normally when you're about nine, I think. Do you think? Yes. I think the baseball, the flat cap, though,

there's a lot of celebrities now wearing the flat cap, and I think it's, I don't want to be recognised, flat cap, which is why I'm not wearing mine. Chris Evans wears one. Because you do want to be recognised. I do want to be recognised, and then some. You love it. Do you think I've worked for all these years and then not be recognised?

Who wants to not be recognised unless they're up to something? Chris Evans wears one, Frank. My case in a nutshell. Now then. Notchal really looks a bit like a squirrel in one. There's a nice beer called Flat Cap now. There's a what? There's a beer called Flat Cap.

There is. I don't want to buy a beer that's got the word flat in it. But it's an ale, so it's not fizzy anyway. But I was amused when I got given a pint of flat cap and I said, oh, it's gone straight to my head. Yeah, I was very pleased with myself. Very pleased with myself. That was absolutely tremendous.

I was really pleased. I, um... I do have an idea for... On the subject of, um... of celebrity clothing. Not celebrity, musical, I suppose, coming from ACDC, I had an idea for a company. You know, there's a theory that everyone has got

a brilliant money-spinning, Dragon's Den-type idea in them. Yeah. I thought you could have a... The colostomy bag at the moment is quite an elaborate medical thing. I thought if you could make them a sort of easy fit and take off, at festivals, you know when people moan about the toilets at festivals? You could get, you could have a bag fitted on the way in. I'm thinking the company would be called Bags of Freedom.

And then you wouldn't have to go to the toilet for the whole festival. You could hand the full bag in at the end, and that could be given to local farmers as a thank you for their patience. That's a great idea. It seems to have everything. It's got recycling, it's close to the land.

What's not to like? Other than the fact that you're spending a couple of days in your own waste. No, it's not that you're in your own waste, it's that your own waste is in you and that's the best place for it, it's a festival. Yeah, I've often said that I think the nappy is overlooked for adult wear.

I think a driving nappy for long journeys. Do you know I'd be up for that? Yeah. Well, I'm not sure about that one. I'm just trying to free up the portaloos for drugs only. I've had a weird moment this week. I bought a punch bag on eBay. You bought a punch bag?

Yeah. Bit of pent-up frustration? Lots, lots and lots. And I've got a cellar where I have some... Oh, I don't like the way this is going. Oh, dear. I have some exercise equipment. Not a second- a cellar where I have some... Oh, I don't like the way this is going. I have some... Oh, dear. I have some exercise equipment. Not a second-family cellar.

No, I have some exercise equipment in the cellar. Do you? Yeah, I thought it might be quite nice to... Oh, dear, still getting a bit Austrian, Frank. ...do a bit of punching down there. And I saw, ooh, there's a punch bag on eBay on Buy It Now for a tenner, not that far from where I saw, ooh, there's a punch bag on eBay on Buy It Now for a tenner, not that far from where I live,

and on the way to my gig the next day in Preston. It was quite late at night, so I bought it on Buy It Now for a tenner. Went to collect it, right, and I'd emailed the woman saying, I'm coming to collect it, I'll be there at about half five, six o'clock. She left me a voicemail saying, yeah, come and get it. And turned up there, I'm chapping on the door, no answer. And I'm thinking, maybe I've got the wrong address. This is a bit weird.

I go back in the car, back out, chapping on the door. I'm looking at the phone. You say you're chapping on the door. Yeah, you know when you're knocking on the door like that. I know that. I've just never heard it called chapping. Using cowboy chaps oh i see actually pronounce chaps oh are they fine i was told that by a cowboy in montana

anyway i'm knocking on the door let's use the english parlance if you help i'm happy no one what chapping is i'm fine with it i think that might be a scottish thing that's sneaked into my vocab, but still there, even after all these years. So I'm knocking the door, no answer, and I'm thinking, well, this is weird. Like, I've made the arrangement and I've really stuck to it. And I went back in, I got back in the car and I had to go into my voicemails to listen to the message

and then press hash to return the call to her, because I didn't have her number. And I went, oh, I've come to collect the punch bag. Have I got the right house? And she went, yeah, I'm in. I just didn't hear you knocking. She was in the house. All along.

And she said, I've got a son and he's really noisy. I was thinking, how noisy? I've been bashing your door down. You know what she thought? She thought to herself, what kind of man buys a punch bag? I'm not going to let this man into my house. Maybe it was a test to see if I had warranted the punch bag, if I had enough strength to knock the door out.

Or she's peeked through the curtains and she didn't like the cut of your jib. Well, you know, it's a 2007 vehicle. I don't think she should be judging me on it. No, but you can get those. I don't know if you've seen those frosted windows you can get for doors. And there's a line across. It's a bit like the old plimsoll line on a ship. And, you know, it's people, the height of people, it's safe to let in.

Right. And you are quite, how tall are you? I'm tall. I think I'm nearly 6'3". Oh, so you're above the line. You're more the Zhuang Han style of thing, as in the Zhuguang. Well, he's in at the cat flap. No stopping him.

He'd have been in there. Whether he'd have got the punch bag out, I'm not sure. You want to lend someone in you feel you could grapple with if it comes to me, and over that line, you're too big. Are you frightened of the woman? Well, eventually I got it by phone, but I thought it was very strange, because it, honestly, it had the appearance of an empty house.

You know when someone's left a light on to sort of trick burglars, but then they're not in? It felt like that sort of house, and I was knocking the door. But it did make me wonder if you guys do eBay. Well, you see, this is... Can I just say, do you think she's got a very, very noisy son? You can see why she had the punch bag. Just going down to their room for...

Hello, darling. You feeling a bit better now? Well, I don't want to brag about my bargain, but unused. Really? There is unused. And I'm sure it's not the best punch bag in the world, but it'll do me for now. And if I get really into it, then I'll upgrade. I don't like the sound of you getting really into it. if I get really into it then I'll upgrade I don't like the sound of you getting really into it

If I get really into punching the bag What is the best punch bag in the world? Now you've brought it up I don't know if I imagine it's more than a tenner on eBay Buy it now Maybe you just got lucky I fear eBay Frank because I like my transactions to be as clinical as possible

when they're retail-based. I once did sell a handbag and I had to meet a Turkish man in a pub and it was just a bit of Guy Ritchie film. I didn't like it. You know, so many things could go wrong with that one. Yeah, I don't like the idea of selling on there, but buying, I could imagine you buying a vintage frock

or something like that. I could see you getting collectibles on there. It's quite good for that sort of thing. I bought a Johnny West recently. Oh. And I know what you're thinking, but you're Catholic. But no, it's a cowboy figure. It's sort of like the Action Man cowboy.

You know, I'm steadily buying back all my childhood toys. I bought the Dan Dare radio set. He's a cowboy of about a foot high, I'm steadily buying back all my childhood toys. I bought the Dan Dare radio set. He's a cowboy of about a foot high, I suppose, and he comes with his own canteen and gons and, you know, lovely. He's ready for camping out. And he's got chaps on. Chaps? Yeah, it turns out his chaps were...

Well, they were a bit of a smoke and mirrors. Oh. Because... He's not naked underneath his chaps. No, no, what happens... Are they welded? Is that I found that when the chap came off, the bottom part of the leg came off with it.

Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, yeah. It was, um... It was. I like as you pause to say something entirely unacceptable. Well, I thought, no, I thought... It was.

No, it was. And I thought, is that fair? Can I get my money back on that? This is what Paul McCartney said in the divorce court. You got there in the end. I knew you were fine. I couldn't keep it in. Only so long it could be resisted. I couldn't keep it in. It was tightening in my throat. I couldn't, he said, in the divorce court. You got there in the end. I knew you were fine. I couldn't keep it in. Only so long it could be resisted.

I couldn't keep it in. It was tightening in my throat. I couldn't breathe. No, but can I go back? Depends on how it was described, doesn't it? That's the thing with eBay. Well, it didn't mention it. I mean, if I bought, you know...

If it said the lower leg comes off with the chaps, then you've got no recourse to come back. You're going chaps now. Well, why not? I've learned something. If I was in hospital and they said, we've managed to save your leg, and I got home and it came off in the trouser,

I think I'd have cause for complaint. Yeah. But that's the trouble with eBay. It's too much of a fa-fa-fa-fuffle to go and find this man and get back. And what's he going to send me? A knee joint? Yeah. You don't want that. You've got stuff to do, haven't you?

The thing is, you can't glue it. I thought I'd glue it. If you glue it, you won't be able to bend the knee because the glue would go into the joint. Yeah. Do you see? And he might not want to do some running. Well, you know, I want it...

The thing is, he can't really stand at the moment. And a Johnny West that can't stand. Is as much use as a... I thought Johnny West was a salmon. That's John West. Yeah, he is a salmon. I still want him to stand. I like to simulate the upstream flight to sex in my own home. I've got a small water for.

No, he's a cowboy, but the leg folds in now, you know what I mean, when I try and stand him. Right. So is it collectible, this? Is it making a big impact on...? It's collectible if you've got an amputee collection. Toy amputee collection.

No, I don't know if it's... It was, what, 20, 20-something? Is it MIB? MIB? MIB. I only know about MIB because of Jonathan Ross. He's a big... He likes a collectible.

And Mint in Box, that means. And he bought me the Happy Days figures, and they're all MIB. No, it wasn't in the box. And I don't know if you can call it Mint if the bottom half of the leg's hanging off. No, definitely not Mint in Box. No, but... No, I haven't bought it for... I've bought of the leg's hanging off. No, definitely not mint in box. No, but... No, I haven't bought it for... I've bought it to play with, basically.

I'll be absolutely straight with you. That's my concern with toys that are sold MIB, mint in box. You think, well, what kind of childhood has this toy owner had? Probably one rather like mine. Weird. Did you keep your toys immaculate in a box? We kept them looking nice for when guests came round, yeah. Quite right.

The guests played with your toys. No one played with the toys. They were just there. They were on a shelf. We had historical figures and we displayed them. Really? Yeah. You've still got quite an historical figure, if you don't mind me saying.

Thank you very much. I'll take that in a nice way. Yeah, I'm thinking the pyramids. Frank! Frank, now you see you've got to make it all Chris Moyles here. In our lovely studio you've shattered the peace.

Have I gone Moylesian? I like, yeah. I prefer hourglass, thank you very much. No, we had historical dolls. Henry VIII fraternised with Napoleon. Yeah, but they could still play together, can't they? They could easily have played. Yeah.

There could have been beheadings and everything. Yeah, but I was off on film sets acting and smoking and drinking. I didn't have time for that. You weren't smoking and drinking. No, I wasn't. But Tony from Syedak sends a sugar through me. Have you seen that? There's like a boy on YouTube,der through him. Have you seen that? There's like a boy on YouTube, the Smoking Boy.

Have you seen him? Oh, that's him. He's some sort of tribal character. I haven't looked at the Smoking Boy. Oh, man, he's doing the smoke rings and everything. I mean, you ask a kid now to blow a smoke ring, they don't know what you're talking about. The Smoking Bat.

He's doing the smoke ring. You can't do it anymore because you've got winds blowing. He needed to be endorsed for a good smoke ring. He's lying outside some sort of shack. Villagers gathered around laughing and this kid, absolutely, and he's lighting one cigarette off the next. It's horrible. Oh, I blame the parents.

Yes. I blame WD and HO Wills. Who are they? They used to make cigarettes. There, I've said it now. These are my favourite bits on the podcast, when we search for an end. Is that what's happening?

Yeah. This is what I want to be like on my deathbed. Hold on. No, no, no. Say some last words. Maybe your last word joke doesn't go that well in the room. No, that's not it. That's not it. That's not my last words.

I feel quite similar to what I did earlier in the week when I was knocking on a door, thinking, there's meant to be someone in. I've stuck to the arrangement and now there's nobody there. You're right. I'm feeling like I'm being dragged out of a sewer by shouting men. Oh, Frank. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.