The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 28th March 12

Episode Date: March 27, 2012

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get 2 for 1 tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a 5 night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We started with a series of laughs this week. It's just as a little aide de mémoire for our listeners.

Yeah, ha-ha. What laughs sound like? I remember that sarcastic one at school, and people said something that they thought was funny and it wasn't and then everybody would go, ha-ha. Yes. Brutal. It was.

It might give me hill chin, I'd say as well. Yeah, there's... It's like LOL and all that, but people do sometimes send back to a text, they'll say ha-ha, and I think, is that saying I laughed or is that saying ha-ha? No, I like ha-ha as a text or on email, the Google chat, whatever it is.

I've always thought it was a bit slow hand-clap in traffic when you've done a bad manoeuvre. Yeah, maybe you're right. Hello, this is Not The Weekend podcast with Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran, and Emily Dean. Who's on the show this week? Alan Cochran. Did you not know him?

We'd all have been a bit 1984, Frank. Look, nobody's perfect. Occasionally. Even Homer nods. Just remember that. There's one for the Simpson fans. Yeah, so this is Absolute Radio. Welcome. um yeah so what this this is um um absolute radio welcome just pick a word at random pick a word any

word uh by the way on the on the radio show i should get this out the way um i don't like just tcb taking care of business um on the radio show you may recall um i ended by saying that uh simon cowell had had one of those terrible moments when you get the word wrong in a joke um tom jones had said that he'd been offered um britain's got talent and simon cowell said uh yeah i think he's comparing us with opportunity knocks a suggestion this is an offer that that tom had I think he's comparing us with Opportunity Knox. A suggestion. This is an offer that Tom had years ago. He's so senile, he's got mixed up.

But the word should have been confusing, of course. Oh, that's awful. And suggests that I'm afraid it has been hoisted by his own petard. And I don't know about you, but I hate it when that happens. Oh, yeah. It's one of the worst things ever. I'm surprised he doesn't have the power to retract that you've got the power

to edit his own speech wouldn't it be good if you could do that I was out with I was at like a dinner party this week a crowded about 12 of us and obviously I was holding court. As is your want.

Yeah, and someone at the table knows Tony Blair. And they said, oh, he did a lot of acting at university. And I said, I think he should play Martin Sheen in the biopic. And they all laughed. And then I realised about 10 minutes later I met Michael Sheen in the biopic and they all laughed and then I realized about 10 minutes later I met Michael Sheen oh you see what the joke would be because Michael Sheen has played him a couple of times yeah so why did they laugh well this is it made me question every laugh I got it made me question every laugh I've ever got. Why Did They Laugh is a good autobiography title, Frank.

Yeah, no, Why Didn't They Laugh is the one I've gone for. It's more needy, isn't it? Maybe I like to think it's because you have an innately comic delivery. Well, maybe. Someone told me that they worked with Milton Berle once, the American comic, and he said, give me any phrase you like, any phrase you like. Just say something. I don't know what you mean. Just say something. He said, I don't know what you mean. He said, okay, I don't know what you mean. He said, I'm going to use that as a punchline. I'll get a laugh on it now. And I'm just going to put it. Wow. Can I tell you? Sorry?

I just thought why they might have laughed. Okay. Can you hold that thought Sorry? I just thought why they might have laughed. OK. Can you hold that thought? OK, yes, I will. So he went back on stage and he said, hey, I went to a sheep shearing contest this week. I said to the guy, you did a good job there. And he said, I don't know what you mean.

And they laughed. They just laughed because it sounded like a joke. It's a terrible, cynical view of comedy. Or, alternatively, an ever-replenishable act. You just go, well, just give me any phrase and I'll make him a punchline. He's not going to run out of stuff for his DVD, is he? No, I'm afraid what he ran

out of was life. Sorry, your theory. So, well, Martin Sheen did play the President very famously for some years, so maybe they thought it was a clever political reference to how he was in the president's pockets, something like that, possibly? Well, I asked why they laughed, as you can imagine. I stopped the proceedings.

You didn't. And said, hold on a minute, why did you laugh then when I said Martin Sheen? Why did anyone laugh? I can imagine it ruined your dessert. No, it did. You didn't actually ask them that. I did. I stopped the whole thing.

Oh, my God. I was halfway through my lobster burger. And I actually ordered a lobster burger and didn't say, and make it snappy, which I was so proud of myself. I'd restrained myself on that. Did you pause and say, okay, I've made a mistake? I know I paused and said, hold on, hold on. When I said Martin Sheen, I meant Michael Sheen. And they went, oh, yeah, oh, I've made a mistake. I know, I paused and said, hold on, hold on. When I said Martin Sheen, I meant

Michael Sheen. And they went, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I said, no, no, no, no, no. Why did you laugh before then? And obviously there was some... He looks so embarrassed on your behalf here. Yeah. And

someone said, well, I thought you meant because he played a present, so it's a... That was a messy, untidy remark. Don't expose the innards. You always do it. Yeah, so, I don't think the evening ever

quite recovered. I'll be honest with you. A lobster burger? Yeah, I never had one of those before it was one of those when the waiter said to me couldn't I by the way couldn't I recommend you a lobster burger it's really very beautiful

I don't think I've ever had anything recommended to me by a waiter like that that I haven't had I just find that absolutely and usually it means I know that they've got quite a lot of it and the sell by date is looming like a buzzard over a dying man. A lobster's pushing its luck. Exactly.

But I went for the lobster burger and I must say it was a bit of a delight. Was it in, like, a bread roll? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're lovely. It comes in its own bab. What, do you think it would come in a carapace? That's an incredible time commitment, though, isn't it? What, a lobby burger?

To get lobster meat out and then make it into, to fashion it into a burger, that's... Oh, a lot of man hours on the plate there. It's not my job. No, it's not. I'm fine with that. Let them dig. So, Frank, weren't you...

I heard you were rolling with your homies this week yes i went to uh bit of gossip on twitter i went to um well what it was it was a sort of a pre-show gathering this uh this last week in london um elvis the concert was on oh are you aware of what that is they have elvis on a big screen, singing, unaccompanied, because obviously they recorded his vocals on a separate track when he performed live. So he's doing a cappella effectively. Yeah, so he's there.

And then they have the ones who still live and are still well enough to travel from the original band playing live, accompanying him. That's amazing. So it's the TCB band with Sweet Inspirations, JD Summer and the Stamps, all those people.

And I've seen the concert before. I found it quite upsetting because there's a big hole in the middle of the stage where Elvis should be and he isn't there. Lisa Marie's done duets sometimes which is also very sad I think. Yeah, didn't Natalie Cole do that with Nat King? Anyway, so I wasn't going to the show because I was doing Let's Dance for Sport Relief.

So I just went to meet some of the Elvis band. Always, always exciting. And the thing is with the concert, when you see Elvis, and obviously over his shoulder occasionally on the big screen, you see things like the lead guitarist and the drummer looking about 30, and there they are in their current state as well. It's a fabulous display of mortality, and I love that. So I turned up at this hotel, and you could see all the white hair,

you know, the original musicians. And Tim Vine was there, Rob Brydon. Both Elvis fans. So they're like your comedy Elvis friends? Is that what? Yeah, that's how it works. So we just, we hobnobbed with the Elvis band. I like that's Frank's sort of rat pack.

Did they have biscuits out? Is that what you mean? They had, yeah we did. Did I get a biscuit? I've got a cup of tea. We met Norbert Putnam. So this is the great thing about the Elvis thing is that so many people around Elvis now have died or never leave Memphis

basically, that the ones you get coming on these tours are the fabulously obscure ones. The sort of people who would score very, very low on pointless. There might even be a pointless answer. Which, you know, it doesn't get any better than that. So

it's always, I think it's always more exciting to meet the background, the periphery characters. Although I must say I was thrilled to bits this week when in a theatre Zoe Wanamaker just said hello to me out of nowhere lovely brilliant

so Norbert Putnam he's famous, he's a bass player and he played on a track called Merry Christmas Baby Merry Christmas Baby okay and there's a bit during the recording where Elvis goes wake up putt baby. Merry Christmas, baby. Where is my little little... Okay. And there's a bit during the recording where Elvis

goes, wake up, pot! And that's why this bloke is famous, basically, because he's the pot of... He's the Norbert Putnam of pot. And had he gone to sleep, or was he just playing a bit slow? He's still justifying it all these years later.

He said to me, the thing was, you know, we'd been, it was late. You know, we'd been there all night. Elvis liked to work late. He said, and I was paying attention, just easy, just easing to it. Just suddenly heard him shout. So he's still explaining that story. How marvellous to be known for an Elvis reprimand. That's fame, isn't it?

Yeah. I had some signed photos, and the signed photos were signed photos of Elvis, and in the background you could see the drummer, and that's who'd signed it. It was great. It was great. It was like, uh, it was a bit like the Kennedy Massacre, having

one signed by one of the unknown people who were on the grassy. Rather than fire. I like it's just the grassy now. Yeah. I like it's just the grassy now. Just dispensed with the entire knoll altogether. It often crops up in our conversations, the JFK. The Umbrella Man was discussed last

week and the week before, wasn't it? It's fascinating. It's a recurring motif, if I'm not mistaken. So it was fabulous. I like Norbert Putnam's name, because Norbert's not a name that I'm very familiar with. Sounds like a Harry Enfield character. I don't even know, I think. How many Norbert Putnam's name, because Norbert's not a name that I'm very familiar with. Sounds like a Harry Enfield character. I think, how many Norbert...

There was an Harry Enfield, and Nobby Stiles of course was Norbert. Oh, was he a Norbert? See, Norbert Putnam to me makes just as much sense the other way round. He could be Putnam Norbert. It's like Steve Bruce. Well, one of the... The drummer, Ronnie Tot.

Ronnie Tot? He sounds a disapproving character. It's like Steve Bruce. Well, one of the... Bruce Steve. The drummer, Ronnie Tutt. Ronnie Tutt. I know, he sounds a disapproving character. Not like him. Ronnie Tutt did a thing which brought down for me the whole Elvis convention thing, the whole nostalgia industry. Someone said to him, you know that thing when Elvis used to do the karate moves and you'd sort of hit the

drum as he hit each thing? Did you work that out before or was that something that just happened on stage spontaneously? Did Elvis tell you to do it or did you do it? And he said, I don't remember. And I thought, well, that's it. That's the nostalgia

industry shot down. I answered similarly at the Day's the nostalgia industry shot down. It's your job now to remember. I answered similarly at the Day of the Triffids convention. You know what? I should start doing that work, guys. I could make some extra dollar from that. You could go to one of those Comic-Con things. I know.

The sci-fi crowd. They never forget. Young Susan. I mean, they'd love it. There's Molly and Young Susan. Who's Young Susan? That's me in Day of the Triffids. Have you, they'd love it. There's Molly and Young Susan. Who's Young Susan? That's me in Day of the Triffids. Have you not seen it?

No. Oh, okay. We've talked about it, though. It's true. I saw Catherine Tate the other night, and I was saying exactly the same thing to her about, you know, Doctor Who. If work dries up, she can do conventions. Yeah, conventions.

I would live off this now. Yeah? You can. I think I know somebody who has a friend whose wife was like an early Doctor Who heroine or something, and they live off that. They live off her doing conventions. Is that Richard Dawkins?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. Oh, is it Dawkins? No, that genuinely is his wife, isn't it? Yeah, he's married to the one that looked a bit like a cavewoman. I can't remember her name now. She used to be... I think she was based on Raquel Welsh in One Million Years BC. Now that Dawkins has come up,

I do have something of a confession to make. I did a gig for the sceptic people. Don't make confessions in front of Dawkins. He doesn't like it. I did a gig for the sceptic people a couple of weeks ago. You know, the ones that are that are like pro-science and oh yeah, I got offered it the year before and I said to him

I'm not really sure about this and he said that's perfect, that's what we're after and so I did it and one of ye gathered here shall be tried this is why I feel the compulsion to confess well

because I think Catholicism and faith comes up This is why I feel the compulsion to confess. Well. Because I think Catholicism and faith comes up on the show quite a lot and it's probably all right for me to represent a different bit of the Venn diagram. Oh, God, yes, of course. But I was... What were they like as a crowd? They were all right. They were a little bit squeamish about some stuff that I did that I think they thought was anti-fattest, but...

See, that's the trouble. There's no fun in them. But the rest of it, there was quite a lot of fun. And you know when you do some events, there's sort of a voiceover guy that says, the show will begin in eight minutes, and backstage that's commonly called the voice of God.

Yes. Not the sceptics. No, no, of course not. They did. What was it, just chimp noises? Just the voiceover guy or whatever, yeah. But yeah, that's what I did. I feel bad now. Well, I'll tell you what you also did. Of course, if you'd died there, you could never have done another gig.

Very good. I wish I'd thought of that on the night. Very fine work from Frank there. Thank you so much. The Cockerel and I... What do the French call that? When you think of a jailer... I had one of those after the show

on Saturday. You know that when we were talking about the bus drivers not giving that woman... The bus drivers won the lottery syndicate. Who scooped a cool 38 million. And there was a woman who drivers won the lottery syndicate. Who scooped a cool 38 million. And there was a woman who'd been in the syndicate and then she'd left six months ago and now she wasn't getting any money.

I thought, in a way, she's the ultimate example of that woman who runs after the bus, but the doors are shut and they just look at them and won't let them on. She's in their wing mirrors right now. Getting smaller and smaller and smaller. So, Frank, the cockerel and I, we sort of flew the roost, really, this week, didn't we? We did a bit of moonlighting in many regards.

Do you know, at school, if you did that, we called it going off. There was a whole group of you, and then two of you started doing independent activities. They'd say, they're going off. Tamara Teichman and Emily are going off there was a whole group of you and then two of you started doing independent activities they'd say she's going they're going off tomorrow tishman and emily are going off i don't like it i have to say i don't yeah i feel that you're lenny henry and tracy allman to my david copperfield no one asked me to go to glasgow well but i had an incident, Alan, before I arrived. I didn't tell you that. Did you? Well, I was a bit ashamed. But all I will say, to sum up, is that I can

exclusively reveal that you don't need a passport to go to Glasgow. No, you don't. No, but I went home. I thought I needed one. I was told I needed it. So my Bulgarian cleaner was running across London to get it for me. Well, she might need one. Bulgarian cleaner brought your passport. I haven't seen her

since. No, exactly. Oh, yes, where do you keep your passport? Very convenient. Is that Dracula? I think there's a bit of Dracula in the family. Oh, okay. So you actually...

I was told by someone that I needed it. Okay. So I sent my Bulgarian cleaner off to get it. I know, I realised that. Domestic flights. I know, but I rung BA. I know someone in the head office, so it was fine. And I got them to check.

He doesn't like flying. No, he hates it. He hates it. And also, his jewellery must set off the metal detector. It's there for ages, isn't it? Oh, man. That tray. Yeah, would you?, wasn't it? Oh, man. That tray. Yeah, would you?

I nearly said then, God forgive me, I nearly said, what are you talking about, Willis? It was one of the worst examples. The Simon Cowell moment. Yeah, that was terrible. But yeah, so the Cockrell and I did this comedy panel show together, radio thing. How did it go?

Well, it was all right. The Cockrell was like a very experienced mid midwife leading me to a very traumatic birth i didn't really i i didn't really love it that much because i don't like buzzers and it was very buzzer centric oh yeah but i'm glad i did it but then it made me realize how much i love my boys and i just like being here don't try and make me feel better you two went off to do some fancy radio show panel game and left me here. It's like A Star Is Born, isn't it? Yeah.

You know what the end of A Star Is Born... You know what the story of A Star Is Born is? James Mason marries Judy Garland and Judy Garland is a minor performer and he's a big star. And as his career dwindles, hers rises up and in the end he walks into the sea and drowns himself. He can't cope with being the less famous one.

Oh, dear. I went to the barn at Copthorlesish, Andy. And very nearly drowned myself. But, Frank, you know what I noticed? The cockerel, he did like the old green room buffet. Oh. That does not surprise me. Did you take a bag? bag no but it was great we just we should

say that it was actually all done by a woman who worked on the show who just made a load of cakes brownies like on the show yeah yeah she was she was a radio producer or something like the host sandy toxfig did a bit of a spread. Yeah, it was Clive Anderson, actually. Oh, was it? Coincidence, neither of them can turn their heads. It's one of those moments, isn't it? People say there's no such thing as coincidence.

Think again. But she'd made loads of... The whole body has to go. She'd made loads of lovely food. Are they front crawl? I'll never know. No, they were smashing and you tucked in. Oh, I tucked in. You didn't just tuck in.

I tucked in. He totally filled his boots. I went for it. Sweets and savouries. It was Billy Bonser's bottom bunk. I had to stop myself because I knew that there was other people who were working on the show and I thought I liked to share

but I did remember I told you that I was talking to Stavros Flatley and he told me that he couldn't remember anything that he'd signed but he remembered

what was at every buffet yes I felt a bit like that guy I can't remember a single round in the show but the sausage rolls with a bit of pickle

within the sausage yes what was that all about amazing a whole bit of that oh the cockerel what about that cranberry thing in the show. But the sausage rolls with a bit of pickle within the sausage roll. Yes, what was that all about? Amazing. A whole bit of that. Oh, the cook, but what about that cranberry thing in the sausage roll? Lovely. Genuinely, she was a very good cook, that woman. Yeah. Any pork pies? No.

There was a thing that she'd done. They're fairy cakes. The, um, what's that? Millionaire's shortbread. That was the things that Kath wouldn't let me buy once in a cafe. Because you were a millionaire. She said people think you're just doing it to show off. Oh, dear.

I stopped her buying the tart. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, I was walking through London this week and I had a text from Kath and she'd been to the Chortle Awards,

which is, you know, comedy awards, apparently much valued by comedians. They're the Comedians Comedy Awards. The radio show wasn't nominated, so I think they're rubbish. Yeah. But anyway, one person who was nominated, who isn't rubbish, is Alan Cochran.

And Kath texted me to say that he'd won. So she didn't say which category. Oh, didn't she? No, but I thought, oh, well, you know, excellent. So I texted, you know, congratulations on the Chortle Award. And the reply was a bit grumpy. What did he say, then? This is a man who's just won an award and been congratulated by a friend.

He said something like, oh, I could read it to you. It's something like, oh, so apparently I'm a club comic now. I thought I was on tour. And at the end it says something, well, thanks anyway. Oh, no. Oh, cruel. That's me overthinking my own text. I thought you knew that I'd been nominated for a club comedian.

Oh. Which, I mean, it's a weird passive-aggressive thing, isn't it? It's almost like they're going, know your place. I did have an image. I mean, I saw you in a blazer. Club comedian. Yeah. Cigarette and a pint half full.

It's Bernard Wright on really. Maybe a dolly bird on your arm. Yeah, exactly. Going out with a dancer. Yeah. That's exactly how I live my life, as you know. Or if it isn't, it will be this year, now that I out with a dancer. That's exactly how I live my life, as you know. Or if it isn't, it will be this year,

now that I am officially a club comedian. So he's still bitter. So I just texted Frank saying, obviously I shall be taking all my tour dates out and returning to the clubs. Not that I'm not ever in the clubs, but it sounds like a thing, doesn't it? I think it used to be called Best Headliner or something. Oh, yeah, sure, it did.

Similarly nonsensical. I'm sure that's a different category altogether. I don't know why. I don't know why. Anyway. Anyway, congratulations. I suppose it's nice, you know. Congratulations and apologies and commiserations.

Oh, I said apologies and I meant commiserations. You know what I did there? A bit of a Simon Cowell. Not a cow. Well, lovely. We can edit. Let's call it a Simon Cowell. Well, lovely. We can edit. Let's call it a Cowell par. Isn't that what Desperate Dan used to eat?

I like to meet victory and defeat and treat those two imposters just the same. Very sensible. As they say in that overrated poem, If, by Roger Hunter. Do you think it's overrated? I think it's overrated.

Not when Des Lynam reads it. Became the nation's favourite. I liked it when I was 15, and then about 15 years after that, the public went, yeah, it's the best poem. And you go, oh, come on.

It's all right. You're so grumpy today, Cork Crog. Yeah, I've gone a bit grumpy. I know what you mean. It's not right. It's not. I love it. There's some...

Walk with kings, nor lose the common touch. That's my life story. Yeah, I was going to talk to you about that. Yeah. You didn't go at that buffet like a commoner. What is the best poem ever then, Cockrell?

What about this? What about this? We're not the weekend podcast topic. I like Dejection and Ode by S.T. Coleridge. Oh, Kelsey Preece. Exactly. It's not everyone's cup of tea. I like The Rime and Ode by S.T. Coleridge. Or Cal Surprise. Exactly. It's not everyone's cup of tea.

I like The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Nice. You've gone through the Coleridge scene. Sadra and a Wiser Man, He Rose the Morrow Morn. Yeah. Frank? He was an ancient mariner. He stoppeth one in three.

Yeah. As we always used to say, we had a goalie like that at the album. Yeah, I think my favourite would be... A lot of football and poetry-based jokes. Not enough. I think probably Robert Frost's The Star Splitter, is it called? Oh, I don't know. I think it's The Star Splitter.

It's about a man who burns down his farm deliberately to get the insurance money to buy a telescope. Oh, really? That's brilliant. That sounds like an Alan Plater drama. Is it Peripheria's Lover? The one where he's so in love with his wife he strangles her with her hair

because he just realises that he's never going to be... Can I say that we don't condone domestic violence on Absolute Radio? I wasn't condoning it. I'm talking about a poem. You were suggesting there was some sort of strange beauty in it. Emily's not condoning being a mariner either. It's a discussion about poetry. Look, if I want this kind of talk, we'll have Rula Lensker on, I guess.

She hasn't talked about it for 10 minutes. No, but imagine being strangled with her terrible ginger hair. Frank! Couldn't you? Frank, I'm not sure this is OK. No, OK, we're moving on. Oh, a thing happened to me this week. Oh, yeah?

I was in mass. Oh, I don't know that club. Is it in Boxall? It's a gay... I have a gay associate, and he goes to a... Gay associate? He goes to a club called... He's on the programme credits of one of the TV shows. Gay associate.

A gay associate, and he... They should have had that on Queer Eye for the straight guy, really, shouldn't they? I'm sure they did. He goes to a club, gay club called fire and i said there should so be a pub next door called the frying pan because people would go there just to be able to say yeah i went out of the frying pan they wouldn't be able to resist it oh anyway i was in i was in mass which is um catholic Mass church thing, and there was a small child, one of the most serious-faced childs.

Child. Child. Child. The most serious face. In many ways, on the short list of the most serious-faced child I've ever seen. And she was really sort of glaring at people and making me feel uneasy. But she had a large toy penguin under her arm.

And so the sort of slightly frightening child, the sort of the bad seed, Rosemary's baby element, the midwitch cuckoo, was sort of beautifully played down by the stuffed penguin. I remember thinking, was sort of beautifully played down by the staff penguin. I remember thinking, if only George Osborne, during his budget speech, had had a Thai penguin under one arm,

I feel that the whole thing, people would have thought, that's all right, the budget, wasn't it? Or if he'd done the whole thing with a glove puppet. Yeah, I'd think... With his teeth clamped together. You would be... If Neville Chamberlain had had a Thai penguin when he said, I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor,

Herr Hitler, I think people would have thought differently about it. Enoch Powell. Like the Romans. Anyway. Don't tease me with your Enoch impression. No. But there was another penguin incident, Frank.

Oh, that was a brilliant thing. Did you read about that? Yes. There was a penguin, it was on a river in Germany. Sounds like that was a brilliant thing. Did you read about that? Yes. There was a penguin. It was on a river in Germany. Sounds like we're getting into a sort of Boney M song. There was a river in Germany, and they called out. There was a rescue panic, because they thought...

I have to say, I love stories like this. Yeah. I love rescue of things that don't need rescue stories. Someone called, yeah, because there was a full-scale animal rescue, they called it, because they thought it was a penguin in distress and it was a child's toy penguin. No, but they thought someone had glued it to a board. Yeah. And they thought that its feet, people reported it,

said that its feet had frozen into the ice and it wasn't moving because it was actually a design fault in nature that penguins' feet freeze to the ice and it wasn't moving. It's actually a design fault in nature that penguins feet freeze to the ice. You'd think it would have happened before now, wouldn't you? Well, that's why they keep moving. That marching thing they do. They know if they stand still for a moment.

But I... The fact that people phoned in I find amazing. If I saw a penguin going down a river on a piece of ice, I'd have thought, look at him, he's loving it. Look at him. Cooey! This is the time of our lives.

It doesn't even look that authentic. It looked like the penguin in Wallace and Gromit. That's what it looked like. I suppose from a distance. Yeah. And when you're upstairs. I always find the emergency services as well, they're a bit low on the old sense of humour count.

Well, I've been on the phone for a few years. Do you find that when you prank call them? Yeah. When I scream at an upstairs window with one of those blowy orange and yellow paper things that you sometimes get in bars. They don't want it. They don't want it. They don't want to know.

I stayed in a hotel recently that had some sort of furry llamas with golden crowns on. Oh, yeah. The RSPCA were not interested in the welfare of those when I phoned. Some people just don't want the work, do they? Did you say there's been a llama coronation? I'm not sure they're being treated in the way that they should be.

They're not just to stand in a hallway wearing jewellery. I just love a prank. It's the best. Oh, I do. One of my subtlists, I don't know if this all works, maybe you did have to know about it

but me and David Baddiel used to have when we lived together he had a jug and it had

a white horse on the side it was a very old thing his mum had given him so they had it for years

jug with white horse on the side and that sounds like an order doesn't it I'll have a jug with a white horse

on the side now he had this white horse and i really liked it there was something fabulously old-fashioned and sort of thing my gran would have had and he he said oh i'm gonna get rid of that i'm gonna get rid of that job i said no it's got you know it's got class and anyway he chucked it out and he bought um a glass jog a stylish glass jog of a very similar size. But just dull, a dull glass jug.

So I was in Woolworths and I saw a white horse or a toy. But like a realistic, like, you know, they have tigers and things. They had a white horse just about the right size. So I went up and I put it inside the glass jug. I was so pleased with it. I'd reclaimed it for kitsch. When I say kitsch, I don't mean the guy who plays John Carter. No.

In the John Carter film. Not many people have seen that film. Apparently. So it's the worst box office flop of all time. Yeah. I loved it. Did you? I did.

I went and I absolutely loved it. Isn't it meant to be called John Carter from Mars or from outer space? Man of Mars, I think, is the original. And they took the outer space or Mars bit out. Yeah, which is an odd thing because if you go and see a film and it's called John Carter, it's a guessing game, isn't it? Yeah. Could be anything.

It's not a good name. It's not a very sexy name for a film. What about John Carter, the Unstoppable Sex Machine? That's not a good name. It's not a very sexy name for a film. What about John Carter, The Unstoppable Sex Machine? That's not a movie. How soon they forget. I should have called it Norbert... What's his name? Putnam. Norbert Putnam.

That would have been a good... What, Norbert Putnam, Man of Mars? You'd go and see that, wouldn't you? Wake up, Putts. Norbert Putnam, The Unstoppable Sex Machine. I'd definitely go and see. Maybe wouldn't you? Wake up, putts. Norbert Putt and the Unstoppable Sex Machine. I'd definitely go and see. Maybe that's why he was sleepy. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.