The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 29th Feb 2012

Episode Date: February 28, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Holly. They discuss National Treasures, wearing badges and 3D Olympics.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, hello. This is Frank Skinner and I'm with Emily Dean and Holly Walsh.

One boy. How many girls? Two little girls. And this is Not The Weekend podcast in association with Absolute Radio. Very professional. Yeah. One listener to the show last week called us the Ab Fab duo, Holly and myself.

I wonder, does that mean it's Joanna Lumley and Jennifer Saunders? Yeah. That's what you call the duo? Bag Joanna Lumley, done it, sorry, too late. I think it's probably more like the daughter and the mother. How dare you? How dare you? Oh, God, you've picked a terrible scab with that one.

And don't pick a terrible... Speaking of beloved comedy duos, I see that Birds of a Feather is on the road. The most depressing theme tune in the history of theme tunes. What'll I do when you are far away?

Oh, it's so depressing. Use a telephone. I'm not getting the network covering. She's lost the weight now. They both have. They both have. She has, yeah. They both have. Yeah, one of them did

and the other one said, well, if she's doing it, I don't know why. What are you speaking? I can't hear you. I'm talking straight into the thing. No, you're not. You're doing that thing

when you talk around the side of the microphone. Don't have a domestic. I don't think I am, am I? Okay. You know, just if you say something funny and no one hears it, don't come crying to me.

That's all I'm saying. Just trying to help you in your career. That's the story of my life. Now, you look like, don't come crying to me, that's all I'm saying. Just trying to help you in your career. That's the story of my life. You know when you try and give a dog an ice cream and they look round the side of the cornet at you? You look like that? You never give a dog ice cream? No.

What do you mean they look round the side of the cornet? They'll look round the side. They'll just take the outer ice cream. They're not prepared to dig deep. You know in with the ice cream in a cornet there's a sort of iceberg element the two-thirds being below the surface and dogs seem to the dog anyway actually my dog one dog just used to lick it flat and then look around the cornet like it wanted another raised ice cream. Yeah. More dog-based Midland Tales next week. Thank you very much.

So, anyway, I was watching Pauline Quirk and Linda Robson and what was the woman next door called? Doreen. Oh, my look-alike. That's who I most fear becoming. Yeah, what's she? Dorian from Birds of a Feather. Leslie Joseph. Oh, very good, Frank.

Leslie Joseph. So I was watching them, and they showed some clips from the series. And they showed a clip of Linda Robson and Pauline Quirk in bed, talking, sitting in bed. And it came back. Taking a strange turn the show and it came back to pauline quirk and she said oh god we had such a giggle doing that scene and i thought i've never been less surprised by a piece of behind the scenes information in my life than the fact that you two had a bit of a giggle doing that scene and i switched the program I thought, if you're not going to tell me anything I don't know,

what's the point? You tell those birds. Anyway, I might go and see it on the road. Go and see it. And also, this is something that happened to me this week. What about this? My girlfriend, my girlfriend, Cass, who's taken, since she's got

pregnant she's taken to making quite big pronouncements oh like can i just say this the child will not be wearing denim until they can decide for themselves which i think's a bit early to no that's absolutely right. The old natural nurture genes issue. Exactly. It's all in the genes. Yeah. And then the other one was, the child will not be eating sweets. I like the way she's saying the child, like it's the baby Jesus.

Yeah, and I'm, you know, I don't want to be one of those households where we're giving them a little box of raisins. Oh, wooden toys for Christmas. To me, that's what's gone wrong with the country, the little box of raisins. It's the flip side of broken Britain. It's child sitting alone in a flat playing with dog excrement versus child who calls their parents by their first names

eating little box of raisins. You're talking to two people who will definitely bought up on little box of raisins. You're talking to two people who were definitely bought up on little boxes of raisins. Yes. Sorry, I can't hear you. Can you say that again? Well, I'm sitting, talking straight into the microphone. Am I doing it wrong? No, no, it's all right. You'll just be like...

Oh, it's like being with Pauline Quirk and Linda Robson on set again. I'm just trying to help. We didn't have a giggle. I'm trying to help. Thatiggle. I'm trying to help. That's what I'm trying to do. It sounds like there's a neighbour next door. You know when you hear a row happening next door? I'm the Dorian.

That's better. Next Dorian. Yeah, no, Holly, I feel confident you would have had what I call a raisin's childhood. A raisin detra. I had a raisin's childhood. I think Holly was allowed one raisin a day out of the box, which she had to reuse. Yeah, that's for sure.

Let's call her parents thrifty. That's where I'm going with it. So anyway... So what were her other pronouncements? Well, her new one, she was reading the paper and she said to me, if you ever become generally regarded as a national treasure, I'm going to have to dump you. Oh, God.

Now, this is a conversation I imagine not many couples have. But, I mean, I don't know what... I think the chances of me being regarded as a national treasure are slim. OK. But I know what she means. I have taken, again, anyone called a National Treasure. I saw an advert for a film called Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. I've seen that ad.

Yeah, and it said, includes three National Treasures. And I thought, forget about it. Yeah, but you don't know, the Crown Jewels might have been in it. Or Staffordshire Horde. The Staffordshire Hoard. The Staffordshire Hoard and the Elgin Marbles. Well, I don't know if we can claim that as a national treasure. Well, unfortunately, I'm sure we do. With that exotic Marigold Hotel,

I've seen that self say mad. And I have to say, Frank, I just think when it's woman of a certain age national treasure, it is giant womanly scarf arranged around the body in some way. Yeah, it is that. I think any national treasure it is giant womanly scarf tied around the board arranged around the body in some way it is that i think any national treasure is something profoundly middle class about them you don't really get working class national treasures i think one of the measures if you can imagine someone really when they relax at home they have a glass of wine and listen to classical music they could become a national treasure.

I don't know if you're right. Because I'd say that that comedian, that Scottish comedian Billy Connolly was pretty much a national treasure. No. No one would ever say he was a national treasure. They'd say he was popular. They might say he was an irritant.

I think he's popular. I've never heard him called a national treasure. Really? I'd say he was borderline. Hmm. I'd say he's an irritant. He's just an irritant. I think he's popular. I've never heard him called a national treasure. Really? I'd say he was borderline. Hmm. I'd say he's north of the borderline. No, I don't think... I've never heard him... Stephen Fry is the classic national treasure. Oh, he's a national treasure, yeah.

He's a national treasure, all right. Yeah. David Attenborough. Yes, he's another one. Again, middle class. Patrick Moore. All your favourites, Frank. It's your idea of a dinner party.

Patrick Moore isn't a national treasure. I just like saying the name to see the reaction it inspires. What about Tom Jones? No, I don't think so. No, he's just promiscuous. I don't think he is anymore. No, he's not anymore. He's admitted it, though, so it's a lot to say.

He was up front about it. Linda was fine about it. What about Sandy Shaw? Sandy Toksvig? Sandy Toksvig. She's a national treasure in my house. She's Danish, isn't she, though? She's not really Danish, isn't she?

She's one of those people who's got a bit of Danish blood and claims it's more exciting than being English. Everything is. No, I think she is actually Danish. Yeah, right. Is she double underlined? Does she watch The Killing? That's the test.

She does smell of bacon, I've met her. May come to mention it. Anyway, yeah, she's an NT. But what about Sandy Shaw? Did she sing Puppet on a String? Yeah. See, she won Eurovision, and she's also a practising Buddhist. For me, that's what a national treasure should be. Someone who can combine conflicting talents like that. She's married to my ex-therapist.

She's married to your ex-therapist? I love that story. This is like seven connections of Sandy Toksvig's bacon. Whatever it's called. What's it called? That Kevin Bacon thing? Oh, Six Degrees. Oh, okay. Fair enough. Any offers for a new national treasure? Well... I'm going with Sandy. Are you going to go Sandy?

Is Beckham an empty? No, you see, that's because he's working class, so he wouldn't get it. I'm not sure you're right. Well, you haven, that's because he's working class, so he wouldn't get it. I'm not sure you're right. Well, you haven't managed to name one yet. You had a crack at Billy Connolly, it fell flat. I'm going to go Alan Bennett. Yeah, or any of the two Ronnies or... Alan Bennett, I'll give you as a national treasure.

Oh, thank you, Frank. But he is, I would say, a classic victim of embouchureusement. Oh, dear, how dare you. The fact that you use that word means that you are too. So I could become a national treasure at some point. Yeah. I don't know what I'd have to do to pull that off. If I married Princess Beatrice,

I think I could start moving into the national treasure area. But the good thing about that is then you would get dumped by your girlfriend on two levels. One, because you'd become a national treasure, and two, because you'd married a member of the royal family. Yeah. I think I've always felt, and I know relationships are complicated, and nothing's black and white, but I've always thought that if you marry a member of the royal family,

it's all right to split with you then, because I think you've declared your interests elsewhere. Sort of like turning. Besides, I can't really marry her now I've become a Marxist. That's true. I feel like a hypocrite. You see, you've said that you think Anne Widdicombe is trying to become a national treasure. Yes, there'siddicombe is trying to become a national treasure.

Yes, there's no worse sight than someone trying to become a national treasure, that is. She thinks to herself, oh, I am so close now to national treasure. I bet she's on Google Alert for her name to see if she's referred to as a national treasure. It's like those girls at school who think they might have a chance of being head girl and they just start acting very differently. I think she's similar. She thinks she's got a chance of... That was you, wasn't it?

No, I wasn't. I can tell by the way you said that, that was you. No, not me. I just met you a bad person, Holly. No, I wasn't, though. You're allowed to aspire. Yeah, but I didn't... A cat can look at a queen.

No, I didn't. Can I ask you, were you in what I call the pretty team at school? No. Oh, see, I would have thought you would be. No. OK. I was goalkeeper. Oh, yes, I'm getting a picture. look at a queen no i can ask you were you in what i call the pretty team at school no oh see i would have thought you would be no okay i was goalkeeper oh yes i'm getting a picture very good i don't think we need anything else on that particular one i wore a helmet i had a head brace for a good few years after anyone else and then after that i'd look like a sort of chelsea smile because of the sort of scarring off the head brace

and then I just became a girl's head brace. What is a Chelsea smile? As used by Chelsea Clinton. Yeah, pretty similar. I don't know what a Chelsea smile is. I don't know how much we can go into it, but isn't it like when people sort of, it's a gangland move where you cut someone's cheek

so that when they like open their mouth to scream it's... I like Holly's gangland experience. I know. Who'd have thought that? It's quite a gruesome... She's in with the fam. They sprung her from the mall. Is she G?

What does G mean? Gangster? Gangster. Oh, right, yeah. Gangster. I'm totally G. Is you gangster, Holly? Yes, yes, I am.

OK, fair enough. That's asked that question. Are you? No, I'm not. I'm gangster. Glad we've cleared that up. Are you, G? Very much so.

Great. I turned down some free frozen yoghurt this week. Oh, big wow. I was passing a frozen yogurt shop and this bloke was standing outside and he said come and have a free sample of not because um he recognized he's just saying it to people come and have a free sample of frozen yogurt and i said uh no thanks and he said he said to me but it's free. It's just free. Like I'd outraged him in some way. And there was a thing, it reminded me,

there was a thing in the paper about people, what it said, the headline said, people turn down free money. Oh yes, I saw that. I don't know if you read the small print on that, because it said people were offered free money oh yes i saw that um i don't know if you read the small print on that because it said people were offered free money outside a coach station or something like that but then it said what are you going to say something rude about people in the coach no i'm going to say i'm gonna leave that to you the sign actually said that you get free points redeemable against future purchases

for customers who book their tickets online. That doesn't sound like free. It's too complicated. Yeah, that's an effort. Too many conditions. If they were handing out £10 notes or whatever. There was, I think it was the K Foundation. I think it was them.

Did you hear about this? They used to be KLF. Oh, yes, I know them, yeah. I think they did a thing where they, I think it was them, I might about this they used to be klf oh yes i know they did a thing where they i think it was them i might be wrong but they went to liverpool street station and they had like a million pounds or a ridiculously large amount of money and they just threw it off the balcony and everybody and filmed the reaction of like rush hour people trying to grab hold of the money and stuff did you know but i must that tape. I didn't know it was still knocking around. It's quite expensive

cost of the day shooting. A million quid. It might not have been a million, but it was certainly a hell of a lot of money.

It was all in five pound notes. They just threw some coins off. They just picked people off with pound coins. I don't like the

idea of people scrambling for money. That seems wrong. No, not in public. Do it in the privacy of a bedroom is what I say. Fair enough But would you trust someone to say... Do it in the privacy of a bedroom, is what I say.

Fair enough. Would you trust someone if they came up to you and just said, do you want this 20 quid? Well, to be absolutely honest, if it really looked like 20 quid, I would take it because I would think I can always pass this off as 20 quid. And I would turn a blind eye to the illegality of that. Is it illegal to give out money though? I think it's illegal

if you suspect you've got a counterfeit to hand it on surely. But I don't care about that. It's a risk I'm prepared to take for 20 quid. I'm sure that there's loads of money that go through the system that is counterfeit and you have absolutely no idea. Well I'm not sure.

You see, if a bloke came up to me in the street and started offering me money, I'd have to take serious inventory of my wardrobe. I'd panic, rather, if blokes were offering me money. It's a different argument, but I'd take it, I think. Someone who said he has free money. I'd always be

suspicious. Trust no one, that's my family motto. Well, I think it's probably probably you'd expect it to be a scam TV programme or something. Yeah, that's what people do nowadays, though. That's the really weird thing. But any time something unusual happens, you sort of look for the cameras. That's the first thing you do. Especially in my job where I work around cameras. I saw the most...

What, you're in Dixon's now? Yeah. I've done that. It's gone well. I saw a guy talking about people trusting people. I saw a man on the train a few months ago. I was getting the train down to Surrey, and I got on at Waterloo, and there was a man on the train with a homemade badge that said, Wake me up when we get to Guildford.

That's a Green Day song, isn't it? Yeah. And he sort of settled down to sleep when the train pulled out. You're really relying on people to not think it'd be funny to let you keep going, because after Guildford, that's a really good joke at his expense. But I'm not happy with that as a general attitude. Right.

It seems to me, you know what JFK said, don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for it. And isn't he sort of saying that he's laying the responsibility for his doings on the other travellers. Do you think he's being presumptuous? I think he is. I mean, he's being drunk, is what he's being.

He's releasing a grip on his own destiny, for a start off. And also he's putting a responsibility on people who need that in their life. If I'm sitting opposite him, he wakes up after Guildford and says, Hey, why didn't you wake me up when I got to Guildford? What have I done wrong, exactly? Well, no, but I mean... I wish I'd had a urinate on me badge that I could have put on him. And maybe then he'd have thought twice about his badge-based slumber.

I think with this story, there's a key detail that I need to know here. What age is this man? If he's 24, that's adorable. If he's about 64, that's disgusting. Why? That makes my skin crawl. Why? Because I just think those are kind of youthful japes, which is fine. He's not a jape, he was serious. He's clearly

fallen asleep. He's clearly fallen asleep and woken up at Portsmouth. Perhaps he was an epileptic. Well, we never even thought of that. I hope you feel bad. Yeah, that we're taking the mickey out of an narcoleptic and he just drops off. The age thing bothers me.

We all know that, but in this instance, that bothers me. I feel better now that I know he's an old man. Do you? because I think perhaps it's hard to stay awake because nothing's interesting that's what happens with the elderly isn't it

I once fell asleep on a train on a tube you know when it's cold and you're tired and you get on the tube and it's nice and warm and lovely and I fell asleep on a man's shoulder and when I woke up I fell asleep on a man's shoulder. And when I woke up, I just... Called it?

On a man's shoulder? A stranger? Yeah, I fell asleep and I'd sort of... Were you in a parrot costume? No, I... I accidentally rested my head on his shoulder. OK. And when I woke up, I'd sort of slid down his chest. Oh, I don't know where this is going.

And he'd got a book out. Oh, I bet he did. Is that what you call it? Oh oh i don't like the sound of this holly and when i woke up i was so embarrassed but the only way out of it was to sort of style out and i knew him because it it looked so awful to everyone else that i'd like fallen asleep on a man's crotch the fact that he didn't wake me up at any point. What does that tell you? Oh, now he's to blame, is he? Well, if it's Frank's system, then yes. It wasn't Frank. If it had been me, I think I would have put a full-face balaclava on you.

I like that it's now Frank's system as well. What? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i i wore a badge recently um with a cowboy on it and it was it was on a birthday card you know when you get a birthday card with a badge on it? Yeah, I'm just thinking back. Yeah, I can remember that. And someone sent me one.

It didn't have the number on it, it just had a picture of a cowboy in, you know, Stetson and neckerchief. Oh, yeah, chaps. Yeah, and it was just head and shoulders. So I've always been a fan of the Wild West and all that it involves, so I thought, I'll wear that badge.

So I put it on my overcoat, and Kat said, you're not going to wear that badge, are you? And I thought, well, what are the alternatives? I could say, no, no. I just said, I'd see if it fitted. And I said, yeah. And she said, oh, that's pathetic.

I said, what? She said, anybody, that's pathetic. I said, what? She said, anybody who isn't a child who wears a badge is just pathetic. And I have to say, I took it off. Did you? I lost faith in it. I like you became like a surrendered wife. I know I have. That's what's happening to me.

I mean, generalised, I always used to say, you know, if anyone wears more than four badges, they've probably got a history of mental illness. But I don't know that I actually believed it. I just, it was a general rule of thumb. The last time I wore a badge was Thompson Twins, which gives you an indication as to how long ago that was, yeah. Well, it was, you mean the band, not the...

Oh, yes. The Tin Tin Curriculum. Well, I don't see why... I bet you'd wear a badge, Holly, wouldn't you? I'd dabble in badges. Don't have a problem with it. What would you go for? Well, sometimes my friends do shows and they give out badges,

so I wear them as a sign of allegiance. Yeah? And, you know, I think badges... You can go to Topshop and buy jackets which have badges attached. I mean, there's no unpinning involved. They're already sewn onto it. They're a fashion statement. Maybe it's an age thing.

I don't know. I went to a meditation commune once, and you could wear a badge called... It just said on the badge, Silence in Progress, and it meant no one could speak to you. You were just being silent. And that's like baby on board. Yeah, but it was better.

It's great. No one, you just left. You can be amongst people, but no one wants you to speak at all. It's brilliant. I tried to get that just with scowls. Scowls? I just scowl at people and hope they get the same message. Scowl?

Yeah. Oh, okay. I remember the CND badge was very big. Oh, God. On a tweed jacket. I'll tell you the same message. Scowl. Yeah. Oh, OK. I remember the CND badge was very big. Oh, God. On a tweed jacket. I'll tell you, I think... Didn't... What's his...

Damon Albarn. Didn't he have one on at the Brits? Very probably. And a Doc Martin boot. It's odd because I imagine he's extremely pro-nuclear weaponry and all the horrors of war. Damon Alba. Yeah. Do you think he has that look about him?

What about the cheesy bassist? I bet he's a bloke who's got a groaning bookcase of Vietnamese war atrocity books. Just from the look of his slightly pinched, handsome but pinched, slightly pinched face. That's him anyway. Him. he's on the list as well now frank you know what i want to talk to you about is your um how are you getting on with your um you've got hd haven't you no i uh this i think it's just a heat rash well because i don't know if you'll be watching the Olympics. I would imagine you will be. But the BBC have announced they're going to be showing some of the coverage in 3D. Well, I've got a 3D telly.

Have you? Oh, that'll be good for you. Everyone's got a 3D telly. No, some people have got a flat screen. Still 3D. Well, is it? Is it? Is it flat? The birds of a feather are back.

Have you been asked to do any commentating? Funnily enough, no. Fine, doing commentating. Or do a song for the Olympic team or something. They asked me if I'd do a bit of sweeping in the hurling. Is it hurling or curling? Curling. Oh, let's call the whole thing quites.

Now, I look forward to seeing it in 3D. Imagine watching, say, the long jump. If the camera is straight on. So they run and then they kind of jump. I mean that would be... I might actually

get a small sand pit underneath the telly. That's good. Just in case. If you want, I could come sort of sit underneath it and then as he jumps I could just throw sand in your eye. That'd be, would you do that? Yeah, of course. Do you have to wear the glasses though? Oh, you have to wear the glasses. I'm imagining

that they'll come up with a design based on the Olympic rings. So two of them will be the lenses and then there'll be three rings on top. That'd be great. For the gymnastics, they could be on two ropes. Oh, that'd be cool. The glasses. And then you have to have them dangling and you have to look through them.

Oh, particularly the men's pommel horse. One of my favourite events. Oh, the pommel. Oh, it's quite an eye-opener, that one. Yeah. I spent a lot of time at the Olympics. Do you know what I like about the pommel? It's the...

The talc. The undersole straps on the leggings they wear. Like a onesie, Frank. Yeah, but I've often wondered why people don't go in for those more. You see girls wearing them, but you never see blokes with an undersole strap on trousers.

And it keeps them down. I love those cream, they're not really slacks are they? They're more the sort of pommel outfits. Yeah, they're sort of jodhpurs, Holly. I don't know if they'd be clusters. I don't know what they are. I've never, I don't know the technical term for those white trousers

that pommel horse people wear with the straps under the soles. There will be one. Leggings. Well, now you're just guessing, aren't you? Have you got any tickets to the Olympics?ics no none did you enter no you're not interested i'm interested but i'm playing a game of uh celebrity roulette is that i'm thinking as it gets near the olympics someone will write to me and say do you want to

come and watch some olympic sports yes you know a box and then I'll go don't waste your time with anything stadium based do however do check out the weightlifting because there's nothing like that live mmm really oh it's a mate it's an evening event I've heard that synchronized swimming I see I saw the synchronized swimming team practicing the other day It was amazing What in the street? Yeah They're just doing a car park

I've seen them do it I've seen them do it In my local park In heavy dew It's much easier I've got table tennis tickets Well rather Have you got tickets?

Yeah my boyfriend Has two tickets To table tennis And we found out You know Six months ago So obviously It Part of me was like that's we're gonna have to stay together now for another year because i need to go to that

so it's really beginning to put pressure on our relationship there's been a couple of times where i've thought you know usually after drinking white wine where i thought you know what i don't need you anymore and then suddenly the memory of white wine Witch, that's what happens. That second ticket comes into my head and I'm like... It's nice that you're staying together for the ping pong. You never hear people say that, do you? They're the children of our relationship. Yeah, it's lovely that. Well, I be watching the swimming, obviously.

Now I'm having lessons every day. Watch that on telly. I've become obsessed with it. There's no point watching that because it's just all splashy and you can't see anything. It is quite splashy. I saw Michael Phelps. Couldn't see a thing. Well, I was talking to Karen Pickering, who's obviously swam in the Olympics.

She was my mentor in my learning to swim thing. And she was saying, she said, one thing you want to watch out for, she said, is that the really fast swimmers, they create their own waves. And the waves follow them down the port. So when they stop, you know when they stop at the end and you see them sort of standing up? She said if you watch the wave will break over them, their own following wave.

How marvellous the human body is. I was once in swimming pool in Guildford and ten big fat men got in and they all obviously were part of a sort of group and they'd all had one plan and they all went to the end of the swimming pool, held on to the edge and then started sort of moving back and forth

and created a full-scale tsunami. Really? Yeah, for all the children. Oh, how thoughtful. Had the engine broken? Yeah, no all the children. Oh, how thoughtful. Had the engine broken? Yeah, no, we didn't have a wave machine. Like when they have people brought in to clear snow, the wave machine is broken.

They put out a thing on local radio and ten fat men turned up. Did it work? Yeah, it was amazing. BFM could do that on his own, Frank, on his own steam. I should say for new listeners, BFM is Britain's fattest man google him yeah i don't know if i'd want to ride on the crest of a wave created by 10 fat men i think there'd be a lot of skin cells sitting on the top like froth like oil it was amazing though we were

like six and the idea of having a sort of makeshift wave machine was quite something which makes me think maybe somewhere in the sea there's just those ten fat men just getting on with it. Like titans. They're the ones responsible for all tidal movement. Well, for all those listeners who regularly email us with the question, why do fat men bother to exist? I think now we've finally got to the bottom of it.

We see them now, not as comic figures, but as heroic figures. And wave makers, in every sense of the word. LAUGHTER