The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 2nd May 12

Episode Date: May 1, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Alun Cochrane and Kerry Godliman. This week they catch up on some emails from listeners and discuss dating spreadsheets.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. It's not the weekend podcast. Through the auspices of Absolute Radio. With Frank Skinner,

Alan Cochran, and Kerry Godleman. Sorry, we have to make doing men. I love that. I can't just get a jingle out for one appearance. Oh, I love that. Do you recognise it? No.

It's the opening of Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines. Oh, brilliant. It's sort of a catch-all, isn't it, for sound effects here? It's just upbeat, is what it is. It makes me feel very happy. Yeah, exactly. It's one of those, it's a bit like Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire.

I find it uplifting. Do you? Yeah. I used to listen to that before I went on stage. Oh, really? And I used to get my adrenaline pumping. And also George Formby's If Women Like Them Like Men Like Those,

Why Don't Women Like Me? You listened to that before going on? To get you in the zone. Yeah. Get me in the British comedy zone. So, oh, there's a little moment there where Alan Cochran's microphone was actually turned up mid-show. Is that right? He must have started a bit quiet.

Am I being too quiet? Just trying to remember if you said anything funny earlier. I must be missed. We're alright. I'll try and lead you back in. We'll be safe. We'll be safe on that. I'll try and go back there. Yes. Magnificent men and their flying machines. Sort of a catch-all.

That was all I said. I didn't really say anything. Just trying to be fair. But now my performance adrenaline is up. Oh my God. Yeah, well... Now I'll probably be at, like, volume 19. Well, I'll tell you where you are. Where are you at the moment? 18.

18 at the moment. Well, 19 is only a heartbeat. Well, that's my actual technical volume, but my personal internal comedy adrenaline volume, it's gone off the scale. Well, then, hold on to your seats, is what I say to anyone listening. OK, now, Kerry was with us on the show on Saturday and is here today. And, Kerry, I think I'm going to give you the...

This is a bit like the first pitch at the World Series. You know, in the World Series of Baseball, they bring a luminary to throw the first pitch. Have you been that luminary at times? No, I've never been. I've been at a few major baseball games, but I've never actually... I have played baseball

at the Philadelphia... Yeah, I think you told us this story on the show a little while ago. I'm just reminding... It was a veritable name-drop feast, wasn't it? I went through the name-drop scene. I'm not going to go there again. No, it was great. I'll just say. It was a veritable name drop feast, wasn't it? I went through the name drop scene. I'm not going to go there again. No, it was great. I'll just say Cheetah Rivera.

If there's any musical enthusiasts listening. And I hope there is. Oh, yeah. So we've had emails from the outside world, which I always find exciting, because we're in the basement studio and we don't even see sunlight. So a voice from outside is a bit like,

you know when the Chilean miners realised there was hope? Yes. It's like that. When we get an email, it's like that. It is. So, Kerry. Yes, I have an email. This is from Steve Cook and he says that he...

Cookie. Oh, do you know him? No I bet he's known he's got to be known as Cookie Steve-o he says that he's been living in Sweden for a few years

and he had to change Expensive Yeah He can build up Ridiculously expensive and he's had to change his driving licence to a Swedish one

and he said yesterday his new licence came and he's now qualified to drive anything with an engine Wow came and he's now qualified to drive anything with an engine. Wow. I don't know, anything. And he's now thinking about... Space flight?

It doesn't specify not. What? Surely that's flying, not driving, isn't it? Yeah. It's a technicality. You can do small cars, articulated lorries, even buses and massive trailers, he says. I don't know if that's a technical term.

I thought you had to do, like, years of special practice. Not in Sweden. I think you do here. So he's saying, should he drive a truck now, take it for a spin, just because he can. Definitely. You would, wouldn't you? Could you hire a truck?

You could hire a truck. Because one says things that says truck hire. Yes. Yeah, so that's solved in a twinkie. It's a weird anomaly that Sweden, a country we associate with almost boredom levels of safety, have given out

a licence for anything? But maybe they don't have any record of people, you know, doing, like, spinnies in an articulated lorry. What do you really want? It's a country with a reputation for safety giving an unlicensed HGV driver a heavy goods vehicle,

and ideally if you could throw in extreme cold weather, that would be perfect, wouldn't it? Absolutely perfect, and a royal family. You could write for the village. Yeah, but I wouldn't mind having a go on one of those big... Yeah. That would be fun. Just being in the seat of anything that goes... Yeah. That's brilliant. Quite a few the seat of anything that goes... Yeah.

That's brilliant. Quite a few of my seats do that anyway, but it's a different story. I don't even want to... Different story. But I read this email, and there's a bit where Cookie says... Cookie. What does he say about the show? He, er, about the show.

Good show, bye. Good show, bye. See, good show. This is why I don't read reviews. Yes. Because I read that, and a lot of people think, oh, that's a nice good show.

I thought, oh, good show. Not very good. I can imagine that sending you into a tailspin. Not top end, by any means. But, you know, good. I'm not saying it's not good. That's definitely three stars, isn't it? But weirdly, the other side of that is when people put love the show,

I always just assume that it's just a phrase that people are signing off an email with, so you don't even get to butter your bread. Yeah, they might write that to someone on Magic FM. Indeed. It's in the same bracket as your Sincerely Good show. Yes. On the subject of licences, though,

when I used to temp and do like laboring and stuff like that they uh they always used to talk about um forklift truck drivers if you you get your forklift forklift truck license you'll never be out of work yeah no no i was never cut out for manual labor they They're quite dangerous, the old forklift trucks. I remember when I used to work in a factory, we were shown a safety film, actually on a film, on all those... Oh, wow.

And in it, a man drives a forklift truck into another man and the fork goes through the man's chest. It's simulated, but it was quite gory. Sounds awful. It wasn't a film, just a comedy. Not a comedy, it was a safety film. If he'd had a pallet on, the man would have been just bruised. But as it was, he was pierced by the... Oh, God.

Put me off. I was also told if you were a good forklift truck driver on site, you'd never buy your own drinks. If you can get a pallet right where people want them, oh, that's a very prized asset. I love these words of wisdom about industry. It is, isn't it?

With us, it was an HGV licence. If you got an HGV licence, you're made. And blokes used to join the army for three years to get an HGV licence. With women, I think it's Pittman typing certificate. See, that's gone as well, isn't it? Yeah, there was a time where it was like, if you can type, you'll never be out of work. If you can do shorthand...

Typing and shorthand. Yeah, but is that true anymore nowadays? You may be interested to know that Pittman, that shorthand thing, appears in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Really? Because when he's at the castle, John Harker, as the prisoner of the Count, he decides that a clever thing to try

would be to write a letter to his girlfriend in shorthand, so Dracula can't read it. And Dracula said something like, I discovered this, shows him the letter, and he says, this abomination. It's a terrible put-down for shorthand. A lot of people have been glad of over the years. I didn't know shorthand existed in Dracula times.

Well, there you go. How far back are we going? When's Dracula? Is he Victorian? Bram Stoker was... Bram Stoker was... Bram Stoker was a different one. Yeah, exactly. He's still in... I think he's still in prison. Bram Stoker, I'd say, was turn of the century. Oh, and shorthand was up and running, was it?

Well, it's in the book. I think he might even use the word Pittman. Gosh. Well, there you go. Who'd have thunk it? If I'm wrong, the emails have come flooding in. Oh, God. Which will be all right, though. I mean, it's one of the fun things to do,

is to get something slightly wrong on this, isn't it? Yeah, like you did on purpose. It lights up the switchboard. Tell me, Pittman Shorthand is in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Fact. Factoid. Tell me, Pitman Shortan is in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Facts! Factoid! Steve Wright in the afternoon. On the subject of facts, another email.

Hello to Mr Radio, the Cockerel and the Gemily, who it's not, but that's not the point. I'm called occasionally Mr Radio because sometimes I do this. Hello, Mr Radio. One of the most egomaniac things one could do is bring a jingle in which one is known as Mr Radio. Dr Fox is actually taking me to court. I said he's Dr Radio. He can't use Mr anymore. Unless he becomes a surgeon.

A proper doctor. The email continues, long time podcast listener here, just wondered if the cockerel knew there's a small road in Lockwood in Huddersfield called Solid. Just one word, fairly brilliant. Yours gratefully, 766. I like that. Yeah, I didn't know that. I know of the area Lockwood.

I'm aware of it, Sam. So your address would be Solid? Yeah, Alcoff and Solid. Would be Solid Lockwood, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. Solid Lockwood sounds like a 19th century politician. Barnabas Solid Lockwood. Like Capability Brown.

Ah, Solid Lockwood. I see your Brown. Ah, Solid Lockwood. I see your free trade bill has not gone through Parliament. Well, this really is against me, I knew that. But there will be another time, Mr Jackson. Well, will there? Solid, as you're called. A little moment there from 19th century Parliament. Do you think if you have a gang and you're from there,

they're called the Solid Crew? Oh, I hope so. It's nearly, isn't it? What about if you had a big street party there? You could rock solid. Oh! Oh, my God, it's all there, isn't it? Love it, love it.

He goes on, doesn't he? He does carry on. P.S. Cheers, Frank, for being perhaps the only funny Catholic. Be hard on Anne Widdicombe. Is she a Catholic? She became a Catholic as a sort of protest against women priests in the Anglican Church. Oh, so that she could speak up about how she was against it?

Yeah, because she thinks it's a bad thing. Oh, right, yeah. I don't know if it's as bad as women politicians. That's a disaster. That hasn't panned out well, has it? Yeah, well, I mean, on her case... Well, I was in Belfast recently, and someone was telling me that they were told... I don't know if this is a comedian's material or something,

but anyway, I should perhaps have found that out, but this guy was saying, if you had a factory, you'd hire mostly Protestants to get the work done and then a few Catholics for the crack. That was what he said. That was basically my role when I worked

in a factory. You'd get a few Catholics in for the crack. And I really liked that. He's also added a PPS. Oh. A PPS. A problem has arisen because whenever I laugh at one of the gang's stories or a decent pun on my iPod, around three people turn around on the bus and seem unsettled by seemingly unprovoked and probably quite disconcerting giggles.

So, cheers. Well, I'm having a similar experience at the moment from going... From the Dracula. Listening to Dracula, yeah. I was going to say, what podcasts are you listening to? Yeah, and occasionally, I mean, without even knowing it, going dun, dun, dun. People don't like that on the bus.

I know what he means, though. I listen to some podcasts on dog walks in the woods, and occasionally I'll just guffaw and then realise that there was someone in the field behind me, and they'll be thinking, why is that guy laughing at me? Yeah, you think people think you're troubled yeah it's weird isn't it do you think we'll get to a stage where people won't question these things like because before with a hands-free you'd see someone and it looked

like they were talking to themselves but now you think oh well they're talking on the phone well i've i was once um i was on a hands-free talking to someone and um a mad bloke stopped me and said excuse me this is my patch and I said no no I'm on a hands free and he said no sorry about that and terrible misunderstanding I think he wore between

25 and 40 badges that's the standard I think any more than four is at least antidepressants. There's a further PPS. He's gone crazy. He's gone PPS

and then a further PPS. So I think there should be PPS. He just needs to use punctuation. I think he's missed one. I think he needs a PPP health insurance. And the final one is wake the silver dusk returning Up the breach of darkness brims

And the ship of sunrise burning Strands upon the eastern rims. Oh, no. He's sneaked into my house. He has. In case you're a new listener, there is a rule on Absolute Radio that the first reference of A.E. Houseman in any broadcast

is that you must sound the warning alarm. You do wonder about new listeners and how baffled they must feel. Well, I think people just... It's like when you watch David Letterman and he says things like, OK, this week's top 10 10 good reasons for not dating janine harris and then people laugh and then he says i'm washing my slightly long hair and they laugh and applaud i just laugh with it uh-huh just go along with it yeah i don't need to know these people, Laura. What's funny about them?

Just trust him. Isn't there an inbuilt joke in that, that the second to the top is always the best, and the actual top one is actually a bit rubbish? Is that right? I think there is, yeah. See? See, I didn't know that, but I still enjoyed the show.

You don't have to get every in moment. You can do it. Well, that was anyway, that's a great, one of the great emails. It's got a bit of everything. Too many PPPPs, SS. It had, what did it have? Poetry, local knowledge, sectarianism. He's ticked all your boxes.

Do you have any smiley faces? No, no, no. No. Is he actually from the north, this guy? He's from Oldham. Sam from Oldham, which is sort of in between Manchester and Huddersfield. There used to be

a slightly rude and physical joke in the 70s. You'd say to someone, do you know the way to Oldham? And they'd say no, and then you'd Oldham. You couldn't get away with it now. Oh, that's brilliant. It's a shame that's gone now. So I know it was right up there. It would have been a weekly feature on Top Gear.

Oh, yeah. If it had turned around, but no. Probably not far from it now, is it? And I think we have one more email and then... We do, we have... It's been an email fest this week. Hi, Frankenteam, in your podcast from 4.30... Frankenteam, that's the book I want to read next.

In your podcast from 14th of April, you said that Prince Harry would warrant a Molly King from his mother for misbehaving with a Saturday. I should explain to Kerry that Molly King is a girl from the Saturdays that Prince Harry was supposedly having a liaison with. Hence he's going to get a Molly King from his... You see, there was

rhyming reason in mine. I assume meaning a telling off. Yes, yes. It was a... I won't say what I was referring to. It was a rhyming pun. Let's call it a rhyming pun. I like it. The expression mollocking, however, comes from Cold Comfort Farm and means something entirely different.

It relates to Seth and his carryings on. I like carryings on. With various local maidens. I like local maidens as well. You can only carry on with a local maiden once. Oh, yeah, and then she's no longer... A local maiden. A maiden once. Oh yeah, and then she's no longer a local maiden. A maidenhood is, yeah.

An activity both impossible and illegally distasteful for HRH. Why impossible? I think we need to, yes, I'll have another look. I have read Cole Comfort Farm. I must say, Cole Comfort Farm,

I think I can happily say is one of the finest books I've ever read. Do you think? Have you read it? I haven't, no. I love it. Honestly, I think I can happily say, is one of the finest books I've ever read. Do you think? Have you read it? I haven't, no. I love it. Honestly, I'd recommend it.

It's funny, isn't it? It's very funny. Very funny. I saw a bit of it on the telly. I never saw the... Stella Gibbons, it's written by, which is also, of course, a massive compliment for any zoo owner. Stella Gibbons? Stella Gibbons?

Where do you get those? No, it is. It's really brilliant. There's a great bit in it where she goes to a party or something, and that moment which we've all seen, where people are really trying hard to look like they're enjoying themselves, and you're not sure if they are enjoying themselves. I don't know if you ever watched TFI Friday.

But she said that she'd seen a Greek urn and people on it were sort of dancing, looking like they were having a good time. She said their limbs were roughly pulled out of joint and stretched to try and look like they were having a great time, but clearly it was painful. I felt like that at Kayleigh's. Yeah?

Oh, it's Kayleigh's, you're right. She's doing well. But you know there was a phase where people had to have a Kayleigh for a wedding? Yeah. Best go Kayleigh's. Yeah? Yeah, when you have... Oh, it's Kayleigh's. You're right. She's doing well. But you know there was a phase where people would have a Kayleigh for a wedding. Yeah. Best go Kayleigh. That fake joy

for that amount of time is painful on the back of the head. Yeah. It really is. I'm probably as bad at fake joy as I've ever been at this stage in my life.

It just... You can't do it anymore. You know, there comes a point when you're like, I'm not doing it. I'm not faking joy. No, let's all make a pledge now we'll never fake joy again

I'll definitely never go to a Caley again I just can't sustain that amount of enthusiasm for instructed dancing it's official now as you know about me already Frank I would guess I give off signals that I'm not that organised or that computer savvy

I think that's fair to say Well I can never quite You're a contradictory man in so many ways Oh really? I know how to cut and paste but I don't know much more beyond that. You see, I always think of you as profoundly northern, in a kind of a no-nonsense, see-all-here-all-say-in-out kind of way. And then one day you announced that you were in a TV drama, a youth drama.

Always and Everyone, a medical drama, played Jason the Asthmatic. And you know what, I just... Carrie, she's looking at me in a new light like, what? Yeah. I played Jason the Asthmatic. And you know what? She's looking at me in a new light like, what? Yeah, I didn't see that coming. Trained actor Alan Cochran that seemingly doesn't get any acting work anymore. Yeah, I doubt that. Let's not dwell on my acting work bubble bursting. I didn't see that coming, but I did hear Jason the Asthmatic coming.

You could hear him two corridors away. I was in role, but I wondered if you'd seen the story about the finance workers' spreadsheet of internet dating. And it did a thing that I don't like this phrase. It went viral, and I

don't like the phrase went viral. Because it reminds me of playing Jason the Asthmatic. No, I bet it does. Being in the hospital, they're germ-ridden places, aren't they? But yeah, he was doing a lot of online dating. It reminds me of Bursting a Blackhead. You know when you burst a blackhead and it comes out?

You get the yellow stuff, and if it's long enough it twi... Oh, that'll go spiral. You know, it'll actually... It's a worm on the beach. It's a weird thing, if you get a really deep one. Kerry looks horrified at this. You can actually use it as a slinky. It'll go down a set of stairs on its own.

Not carpeted. It'll cling to a carpet, but a wooden stair. It'll go all the way. Oh, there goes my blackhead. On its way down to the lowest story. Like having an neck timer on. Oh. It's like a phone lead.

What if I have a real big one? You know a phone lead? You don't seem troubled. Anyway. Yeah, I get one on my neck that constantly returns. I've had since the 70s. A blackhead? Yeah, with the same blackhead in the same spot.

And it just rolls down your back when you press it? No, but when I squeeze it, it comes out like a phone lead. It comes out coiled. That's how long. I'm trying to leave... I think if I left it for, like, five years, it would go all the way to the floor. I'd be earthed by it. But, you know, it's like when you do an apple peel all in one go.

It'd be very satisfying. Yeah, if you left it for five years and you were Earth, you could pretend that you were remote-controlled somehow. Yeah, but the trouble is, if I left it for five years, we might be talking elephant man in appearance. Yeah. Because there's quite a mound that comes with it. It might become...

What's that film where it ends up having a separate personality to you? It becomes a fully sentient, independent being. No, it's got Richard E. Grant in it and he has a boil and then the boil takes over. I like the sound of it. A fairly catty actor who didn't rate Richard E. Grant's work

and he called him Richard E. Can't. Yeah, which I liked. It was one of those actory moments where you go, ooh, saucer of milk. Was this when you were Jason the Asthmatic? No, it was when I was touring with the Shakespeare Company called Golden Broadsides. Oh, I know them. What production were you in?

I was like a minor roles in a production of Twelfth Night or What You Will. Yeah, OK, indeed. See you again. Shall we talk about this story? My northern common sensicality has been blown to pieces. This story is this guy that's been dating and he, on one of the dates, told one of the dates, oh, I'm doing so much dating that I'm using a spreadsheet to remember the

dates that I'm going on. And the woman expressed an interest in it and he went, I'll send you it. And then did. With all of the details, including the other girl's contact details and stuff, I might add. Which, you know. I don't think this is that bad. I don't think it's that bad I don't think it's that bad because I think he sort of

defended himself when it went viral he went there's no malice in this I wasn't being mean and he does rate most of them

quite highly not only that but he didn't he didn't send it viral he sent it as a moment of trust and openness about his own

self to this other woman and she's the one who he was open and honest she she was indiscreet. Yeah, I agree. And do you know what it was? He just thought, and this is how spreadsheet fans think,

like people that love spreadsheets love spreadsheets. And it can creep up on a person, can't it? And they forget that other people might value things like, you know, human emotions. And so he would have thought, oh well she loves spreadsheets too, she won't have a problem with me sending reports of dates I've been on by spreadsheet because she loves spreadsheets. So that was the blunder that she

didn't like spreadsheets. She didn't like spreadsheets quite as much as he thought she did that's his mistake. That's where he's messed up I think though that he was probably a bit self-deprecating. He probably said, I'm the kind of character I actually keep a spread. And he sent it to this woman, you know, like that. And then she is...

That's the downfall of internet dating, is you think you're building a relationship, but it all weighs... He was connecting and he was not connecting. No, the only fair op shot of this is if she dies alone. I would say. Yeah. She forwarded it on to her friends saying, I can't believe he sent me this, didn't he?

But if he'd got that right, if she was an enthusiast of a spreadsheet and they went on to have a lovely union, a romantic connection, spreadsheets would have been part of that life. What I like is he's broken the mould there because he has allowed a private part of himself to be exposed very early on in the relationship. And we all wear a mask for the first six months or so, don't we? He's allowed a private part of himself to be exposed early in the relationship.

Yes. I've had relationships like that. Anyway, I don't know if I'd call them relationships. I'd call them people that were in the same phone box but yeah that's something also we all I've never internet dated but I know people

who have and they get through quite a lot of people but that's the problem you see because then it ends up when I've known people who've done it they get a sort of consumery attitude to it. So you never fully commit. You're like, oh, this one's not quite right. Take them back.

Do you know what I mean? So you've got a kind of shopping attitude. Let me explain the magazine Witch Life Partner, which I saw in WH Mix. Exactly, exactly. That's how people go for it. And that's what this spreadsheet is. He's gone off scale with all that, hasn't he, really? I admire his time management, I'll tell you that for nothing.

Exactly. No, but if you're dating or nearly dating or having email contact with, say, 10 or 12 people... You need a system. You've got to keep notes. You need a system. Yeah. That's all he's done, he's kept notes.

This is the sort of thing that organised people say as if it's the most logical. Well, it actually saves you a system. Yeah. You've got to, that's all he's done, he's kept notes. This is the sort of thing that organised people say as if it's the most logical, well it actually serves you a lot of time. I mean it seems like it serves time because I'm putting it in a spreadsheet but you know it serves you a lot. My mate put his planned holiday in a spreadsheet. So he had like different

places that they were going. Oh that's not good. But they just think, it's like tidy people innit? It's like tidy people say, well, actually, it serves me a lot of time to just tidy up as I go along. And, you know, when I eat my dinner, I then go and wash up everything immediately. Yeah. They make it sound so sensible that you can't help but think,

oh, God, no. I'm like that. When Kat's away, I know the mice will play, but not in our house. I wash everything up immediately. When I'm eating my dinner, but not in our house. I wash everything up immediately. When I'm eating my dinner, I've already got the tap running. So it's hot for when I've finished. And I'll rinse the plate.

I find if you rinse the plate straight away hot water, no need for washing up liquid. Little tip there. Every penny counts. I just can't be bothered with rinsing and come on. I have a friend who hangs his socks out in pairs. He pairs his socks up whilst they're wet

so that when they're dry they're already in pairs. That's an excellent idea. I tend to get with one colour of socks so you don't have to worry about pairs anymore. I have a cleaner and she will i'll go to my sock drawer and suddenly there's one sock and its partner isn't there all the rest are folded together and i know if i wait two or three weeks the other sock they always turn up yeah but i i can't cope with the missing sock thing keep that sock back until its partner turns up and then put it in the drawer

keep it though in her apron when i lose faith in the other one turning up and i throw the one that's present it's always then that the other one does yeah you must don't lose faith no i never throw them out we have a little sort of location for the odd sock no i just I just keep them all in. My sock system is terrifying. It really needs a rejig. I've got a massive cardboard box in my wardrobe. You need this bloke with a spreadsheet. And I just fling my pants and socks in it, higgledy-piggledy, unpaired.

You need a spreadsheet, Alan. You need to get organised. I do need some organisational skills. You mix pants and socks, do you? Pants and socks and there's old football socks in there. It's chaos, honestly. One of the best communications I've heard on radio from a listener was many, many years ago. I think it was on Radio 1 and a woman contacted a show

and she said she always is very, very careful to put forks, spoons and knives in separate compartments in the drawer through fear they might squabble after the drawer is closed. And I think it's had a hint of mental illness about it. But I quite liked it. A mate of mine does a lot of

internet dating and he told me about a thing which made me, you know when you start to squirm and you can't get out of the fetal position, you lock. I was so far in. He said to me, he was talking to this woman, and he said, oh, I notice you've only got one picture on your profile.

There's a tiny one. She said, well, I've got some on my Facebook. And he said, oh, what's your name on Facebook? And he started while they were talking on the phone. And he said, oh, yeah, I've got Facebook? And he started while they were talking on the phone. And he said, oh, yeah, I've got your Facebook page. And then he saw the photos and he didn't. No likey, no lighty. And he said, so anyway, what else is going on?

And she knew he'd seen the photos. And he just changed the subject. I mean, oh, God, it's nightmarish. Better to say no and put the phone down. Yeah, absolutely. Than to let it hang there. It's a minefield. If I had a spreadsheet, if I was seeing that many women at one time, as this bloke was,

my spreadsheet would be an anecdote spreadsheet. You know what I mean? So a checklist. So I wouldn't repeat the same anecdote with the same woman. Oh, that would be very clever. So as soon as I'd finished a date, the goodnight kiss, then I'd be with a notebook in the car.

I told her about the orange chips or something like that. Yeah, exactly. And then tick them off. And think that one went very well. Might try that one again tomorrow night. Yeah. That's sensible. Yeah, and then tick them off. And then you can... And I think that one went very well. I might try that one again tomorrow night. Yeah. No, that's sensible. That is just sensible.

Yeah. There's nothing to be scorned about that. And the good thing about that is, like, you could build your ideal first date set list. Yes. You could... Absolutely. You know, you can do a couple of safe ones,

try a bit of new material. Yeah. Yes. See how it goes and pretty soon you'd be like the hottest date in town conversational whereas with one person you know you think oh i actually missed it when i told that anecdote i missed out the bit about but i can't you know again then if that that set list works really well and on consecutive dates you it's still going great then you get married and you need to have an affair to test out your new stuff

don't you? Also, I mean, if you're including topical That is one of the challenges of a long term relationship, is the repetition of anecdotes I mean, it is a real loop. We're now at a stage where we're arguing about who's told who what Oh really? You've merged anecdotes

Well, I said the other day you know, the bum muscle the glute is the largest muscle in the human body and my wife went I told you that Oh it's like that Yeah that's not good I'm going back to it fairly frequently You need a new wife

Yeah I think she might agree That one's a bit of a pain in the glute Absolute Absolute Radio I think she might agree. That one's a bit of a pain in the glute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.