The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 2nd November 2011

Episode Date: November 1, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss some of the more unusual news stories, including the launch of a Burton-On-Trent perfume and the success of Lop-Sided leaders.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get 2 for 1 tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a 5 night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there too. But, I've run out of time. We are Absolute Radio and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Well, hello. This is Not The Weekend Podcast with Frank

Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't know why I did that. It was sort of a weird hybrid between Henry Kelly and Terry Wogan. Yeah, Terry would have been, because it would have been Ah, here we are in the very bowels of the absolute radio host.

And I like the way he always told you where he was, Terry. Anyway, we are in the bowels of the, it certainly smells like it. The absolute radio building. The absolute stench is back, everyone. Yeah, there's a problem with the pipes, absolutely. It only seems to happen on Saturdays. But it's lingered into midweek.

Maybe it's because they've eaten all that fruit all the way through the week. Come the end, there's a sewage problem. Of course. People's getting their five a day, aren't they? So, I'm with, you may have gathered that I am with Alan Cochran. And Emily Dean.

And I am Frank Skinner. Hello, Mr Radio. Hold that thought, Frank. Got it. Well, we've had an email in. Re-your-use of Mr Radio, haven't we, Alan? Wow, we really are like Terry Wogan now. We're starting with some emails.

I'm loving it. Is it from one of the T.O.G.? No, well, it's actually from somebody called T.J. Baptista de Menendez. Oh, him again. Signing on. He sounds like the sort of person who would have ended up on Fantasy Island.

I like the sound of him. You're guessing that he's signing on. You don't know that for a fact. I mean, it's a made-up name. Oh, I see. It's an obvious made-up name. I don't know. Is he? No he's signing on. You don't know that for a fact. I mean, it's a made-up name. Oh, I see. It's an obvious made-up name. I don't know. Is he? Maybe it isn't. I don't know. Would you like to hear what he has to say?

Yeah. He says, Dear Frank Allen and the Divine Emily, just like keep that bit in, whilst trawling around for interesting podcasts to fill my mobile device for those solitary moments when I'm away from mainstream media access, I came across Canadian CBC Radio's Cue the Podcast. The presenter, Jeanne Gomechi, mainstream media access well i came across canadian cbc radios cue the podcast the presenter

gian gomechi has the temerity nay gall to refer to himself as mr radio what do you make of that he doesn't even use the jingle i like the fact that we're suggesting that we could be relatives he doesn't use the jingle are you part of the Are you one of the Wiltshire radios? Yes. It's funny, because I... I mean, it's a fair amount of temerity and gall, the fact that I use it, to be honest, but I'm glad someone else has fallen into the egotistical abyss, which is the Mr Radio Monica.

I was walking through the BBC this week. It has gone very cherry-woken. And there was a yellow sticky on a door, just on a fire door, that said, Hello, Mr Radio. And I thought, Hold on a minute. And then I spotted Ross Noble in the mid-distance. Oh, nice. Who is, I think we all know.

Friend of the show. Oh, we love Ross. So I think we all know. Friend of the show. Oh, we love Ross. So I think it was him. I never asked him about it. I didn't challenge him on it. It might have been the work of C. Evans. Yeah. Probably Ross. He uses it to greet himself.

Yes, he carries them around with him, I suspect. It was that kind of a wig. Alice Cooper put a balloon modelled version of himself in my toilet. Oh, he's a prankster. That sounds like a made-up story, but it's true, isn't it? Frank, TJ Baptista de Menendez

has more to say. Oh, God. He has two PSs. PS number one. In the last 12 months, I've listened to your podcast in England, Ireland, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Czech Republic, Moscow, numerous states of India, the jungles of Cambodia, the islands of Thailand, and across vast stretches of the seas and sky. I'm currently listening to your show on a yacht moored in Seville, southern Spain. I love this, not least because I think his ps is better than his first bit that's incredible and it makes me can i dare i say it makes me feel a little bit proud yeah it makes me think he's on the run it's not he's it's a made-up name and he's on the run

i'm glad what do you think it could be the jackal why is he traveling so much? What's he fleeing from? We'll discover more, I'm sure about What's his initials? Well, we will discover more because he sent in a third PS Well, hold on, back to the first one On the subject of pride I mean, I'm not one to blow my own trompy Not with my back

But I was passing the National Portrait Gallery this week, and there's a picture of me and David Baddiel on a poster. What, Ben Elton's son? Yeah. And it was advertised in an exhibition of photographs of comedians. So I went in, and, you know, it's like Tommy Cooper and Tony Hancock and we get to be the poster boys. I was, I must say, rather thrilled.

Not only that, it's probably the best photo I've ever had taken because I look, I think I look really good. Do you? It's one of those when they first sent me... Oh, I'm going to go and get a frame of it. When they sent me this photo, I remember thinking, the camera does not... Oh, no, hold on a minute.

It does lie. It's that one... You know, everyone has got one photo when they look great. Johnny from X Factor has got one probably when he looks absolutely knockout. No? I think you're stretching it there. Well, he can have this one.

We're more or less the same person. He's got one photo where he looks like he might meet on day release or something. It's one photo when he looks like you couldn't open mail with him. No, no, M-A-I. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Frank, would you like to hear the... The PPPPS. This is again from TJ Baptista de Menendez. Let's call him TJ. Okay, let's call him TJ, like Hooker. Maybe that's why he's on the run. This may or may not be of interest to Frank, but I

too am a friend of Bill W's, and this is why I treasure these podcasts above all others, because sometimes when I'm away from a meeting, as can happen with my seemingly random itinerary, just hearing the voice of another like me is reassuringly comforting. Thanks, Frank. A friend of Bill W's?

I've worked out what it is. No, not Bill Wyman. I don't know. But he says when I'm away from a meeting. So I think a friend of Bill W's... Oh, it's a drinking thing. It may be a drinking thing. It may be something to do with September 24th, 1986. Oh, what could it mean?

Bill W. Is there a well-known drinker called Bill W? I don't know. Bill Withers, was he a big drinker? You can't say that. You can't just start thinking of famous Bills and accusing him of being alcoholic. They called him Bill Withers because of his... It completely ruined his love life. You can't say that. You can't just start thinking of famous Bills and accusing him of being alcoholic.

They called him Bill Withers because of his... It completely ruined his love life. The drink. William Wilberforce? I know, wrong initial. William Wilberforce, yeah. OK, he stopped slavery, but, phew, he was a drinker. He liked a Malibu and pineapple. He was drunk.

He was always lashed to leave. Imagine him going, oh, I got drunk last night and did what? Abolish slavery? Oh, God. How embarrassing. I like slavery.

What was I thinking of? I'm a big fan of slavery. Why didn't you stop me? Oh, no. Like the historical equivalent of a text to an ex. Exactly. What did I do that for? I'll never get what you did last night

Well it's my own fault Boy am I going to miss slavery And the constant knowledge that it was my own fault You're alright Bill Get over it Every time I do stuff for myself It's going to eat away at me I think we should thank TJ Baptista Every time I do stuff for myself, it's going to eat away at me, that. Exactly. Well, dear.

I think we should thank TJ Baptista de Menezes. So where's Jeremiah? He's just gone now. What? So who's making breakfast? Yeah. Oh, well, I'll just have a perno. It'll be fine. Perno. And that's what made him even worse, you say. Yeah.

Yeah. I think his email was rather long. That was a little drama called William Wilberforce, The Morning After. From Radio 4 playwright Frank Skinner there. Yeah, that email was long. It had a main body, a PS and a PPS, but a far more pithy one that I am drawn to

was Dear Frank Allen and the Exquisite Emily. Why do I always have to put these bits about Emily on? Oh, don't sound so angry about it. She's a draw. Frank recently drew attention to the cockerel's pronunciation of Toby Jones, which

she did, and I think that indeed was a podcast in terms of how Yorkshire it sounded. But I think Alan raised the bar on last Saturday's show with Paolo Di Canio. Oh, I love that. I feel the extra syllables really do justice to his Yorkshire brogue. Can I request an encore?

I think you've just had that there encore. Paolo Di Canio. You realise this is going to set a precedent where people email in saying where I sound most Yorkshire. Also, I like that, Alan, that you just had that. That's like when DJs say, well, you just did it. Yeah, yeah. With requests. That was, I noticed, actually, that was. It did not

go unnoticed. In fact, in fact. Hello, radio. Thank you. You sucked. I'll have that one. I'll have the poultry then. Yeah.

If it's going free. It's like musical chairs. We're all going to change out. Yeah, it's... Paolo De Canio, of course, is a fabulous Italian name as well, which you've utterly reduced. But now people will start...

They'll text in and email in and say... They'll say, say, and then it'll be something they want you to say. It'll be good if that catches on, an impression of an impression of you doing Paolo Di Canio. There's people wondering about doing Paolo Di Canio. I like the sound of that. I can see John Calshaw getting his teeth into that.

He might need to know who I am first. That's a rumour. With his herringbone hair. What's happening with his hair? It's a herringbone design he's had specially put in. It's sort of a whole... He has to wear a hat on, tell you, because his hair strobes.

It's all in HD. It's a whole sort of Alan Sugar thing, isn't it? Cut from the same cloth, those two. I think they probably are. I think he does him as well, yeah. Oh, he does them all. He does them all he does them all he's brilliant can i say yeah i mean he's got you know he's got herringbone hair but he's

he's an amazing very good at the voices he looks a little bit like he's one cupcake away from pulling the rip cord do you think yeah that'd be a right hand and really uh I thought that was Paddy, you see. John Cupcake, I called him. I hadn't noticed that. You know, some people do. They just look like there's a lot of tension. Have you seen any of his medieval work?

Fantastic. His impression of Ethel Redley on Redley. I love a bed evil impressionist it's like he's in the room yeah he's Eric Bloodaxe whilst being a bit high pitched for me at times it's absolutely him

brilliant anyway that's enough Colshorey and chit chat well on the subject of impressions I need to ask you about quotes. Quotes? I'm not playing cruise games this time of the day.

No, I need to get something off my chest. Yeah, I've got a bit of angst. You know I'm on tour, Alan Cochran, tickets still available. Is that the name of the tour?

No, it'll be the name of the next one. No, that's a bit Peter Kay doing that. He doesn't go down the Peter Kay route. No. Your mum needs a caravan. I can't bear that. It's still called Moments of Alan. It's the same show.

Peter Kay route, I imagine. John Cole's show. Yeah. Travels on that. Oh, yeah. I would imagine. But anyway, I've been... The first half is kind of loose and a bit chatty,

and I've been telling sort of stories from whatever's come up, really. And I ended up telling a story that I cannot repeat just now, but it somehow involves the fact that we now have the dog. And I... As a bit of preamble to the story i was telling i started telling them about the time that i told you about that when the dog needed an x-ray um you know the whippet needed an x-ray and i remember saying how expensive it was and you said why would you get an x-ray on a whippet you could have just held it up to the sunny window or something along those lines and

i've been quoting you in my own little stand-up show and I must tell you, you're getting a really good laugh. Is he going on? He's getting a really good laugh. Are you quoting him as Mr Radio? No, I'm quoting him as Frank Skinner. I say something like, I work on the radio on Saturdays with Frank Skinner and he

said, and so there you go, there you go. I'm alright with that. You're alright with that. LOL, is that what you're telling me? It's getting a big laugh, to the point where I'm getting a slight comedian's paranoia of are you getting one of the biggest laughs in my first half? That's why I never quote other comics on stage. I can't live with it if it gets a good

laugh. Yeah, I think it may be on its way out. Maybe this is the moment where it leaves the show. But it's good. I'm glad to know that I suddenly find out I'm touring. Well, I suppose one way that I could do is... I give you a credit and

I don't think there will be the break even to give you a commission. I don't think you can get a writer's fee but maybe I could put some of my income to buy in your book or something like that. Did they say Rover's Commission? There's a thing called Rover's Commission. Cats used to have Rover's Commission.

It meant that you could... If a cat went on your garden, you couldn't do anything about it because they have Rover or Roving Commission. Oh, really? Yeah, whereas a dog, you can do something about it. Oh, I know that... I just think that's a whippet joke. There's something nice about Rover's Commission

coming from it. Yeah, yeah. Well, in the world of pet insurance, I think dogs... We don't normally have a block of adverts on here, but that's set up at the beginning of one. In the world of pet insurance, I believe dogs' owners can be blamed for traffic accidents. Like if you let your dog... Is that right? If it runs out. But cats' owners can't because cats are considered independent. But I think you can be in charge of your dog. No, but if you go to Birmingham in the 70s, it's the same deal, isn't it?

Because they just used to run amok, according to Frank. Dogs weren't on leads. I don't think pet insurance existed in the 70s. It's one of the modern malaise. No, that's true. I've never owned a dog that we took to a vet or any of that kind. Didn't you?

You didn't go to the dentist. If it got that ill, I'm afraid it was the shovel. Exactly. It's hard looking back. Did Shep end up with the shovel? No, Shep... I must have told you the Shep story. Did I not tell you about the death of Shep? I don't know.

Sounds like the death of Marat, that well-known... Oh, yes. No, my dad found me at work, left a message. I was working in a college at the time, as a sort of part-time lecturer. It was post-factoire. Post-factoire, pre-comédien. And I got a message.

You were French in work, weren't you? Yeah, very. I got a message. It said, oh, your dad left a message just to say he's got some terrible news. I thought, what kind of a message is that to leave for somebody? So I thought, oh, God, it's been me and Mum. I was frantic. So he said, Shep's died.

Oh. And I said, oh, thank goodness for that. He said, what? And I said, no, I thought it was going to be, you know, a human being. And he said, no, it was really terrible. He said he was bad last night. You know, he wasn't at all well. He said, I'll let him out to do his business

because he had a pipe around it's an unusual animal in that respect no he said I'll let him out to do his business and I heard this splashing sound I said well you would and he said no he said he'd fallen in the pond they're like a frog pond about three feet across.

And the dog had fallen in in the dark. It was towards the end. He was about 18. And he said, I dragged him out. He said, I don't know. He didn't give him that. I gave him artificial respiration. Well, there was a lot of air in Shep, generally. I would not want it to have given him artificial...

But anyway, so that's what he did. I mean, he was really upset, and I'm on the other side of the phone thinking, please don't laugh, please don't laugh. And then he said, it seemed all right, but I can tell you it wasn't right, he said. And when I woke him in this morning, he said he was lying, he was there, lying there, dead. I said, oh, no.

He said he was lying by the telephone. I said, do you think he's trying to call a vet? It went very badly. Did you? Oh, I couldn't resist it. But it was a terrible, terrible sad tale. Mouth to mouth with the staffie. Yeah, exactly.

I've done that many a time. My dog had had a paracetamol the other morning. Did he? Got up and I'd... Did you crush them up? No, I'd accidentally left a spare paracetamol in the kitchen workshop and she'd been up and had it and there was just bits of paracetamol

around her crate in the kitchen. A crate? Yeah, she got a crate. Are you planning... Are you running an export and import business? We've got several. A crate? So you planning an export and import business with it? We've got several. A crate?

So, no, I'm all right with that quoting. Oh, good. But it may be on its way out, because my comics ego just can't take it anymore. That's fair enough. I mean, I sometimes do gags that I've originally done on this programme on other things on the telly or something like that but I always think, I was very careful that they

came completely from me and weren't part of it, you know it has to be a joke where you've picked up the ball in your own half, beat three men and scored fabulous individual effort, if it's part of a passing move you can't use it, that's the way I see it you see what I mean, so if we've built it together then I think that's the question, this is very good for me to know yeah so those ones i'm afraid

they've gone they've gone i quote you all the time frank i would say on a daily basis really you're sort of like my confucius to be honest well but sometimes i do it out of context i just do it because it makes me smile and people don't get the reference for example you have you you said it today you said every time we do any sort of sound check when a producer or someone says okay are you happy frank you say i always say i haven't been happy since september 24th 1986 yes well there's a reason for that with you but i say it and it's absolutely meaningless but i just like it. Yeah, but, yeah, hmm. I didn't think you'd like people to know that you were born in 1986.

Oh, yeah, that's true. I thought you were keeping that quiet. Oh, I'm going to have to review that. Yeah, it's a bit of a strange one. I always think that if our listeners hear me do a joke from here on the telly, they'll have that smog expression of the first wife. Oh, yeah. When they think, oh, yeah, he did that with me years ago,

that kind of, you know. Nice. Then you can hold the new girl in contempt. That's what keeps me going for my rather pathetic recycling. I'll tell you what I did this week. It's something I don't think I've ever done before. I was in this shop and they had

some sheep's milk cheese. And, you know, on a saucer they had it cut into bits, so I tried a bit. And I liked it so much, I bought the cheese. Oh, Victor Cayenne. I've never done... Who?

Victor Cayenne. Oh, is that the... That's the razor man. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I've never done that before. I've eaten free stuff all over the world in shops, little bits of stuff on plate.

It's the first time I've ever thought, that is so nice, I have to buy the whole thing. And that is exactly what they want from that transaction. And it works. You'd think its failure rate must be about 99.5% wasn't it? But it was like a great trailer for a film.

Once I'd had the little cube I had to have the whole thing. You had to have more. And how many great, the amount of things, at times I've done sort of award ceremonies and stuff. And they show a clip to represent your programme that's up for an award and it's like the worst piece of humorless rubbish that's been selected of course there are people now thinking

well maybe they didn't have any choice yeah well you know what yourself what else is going on in our crazy world? Well, I'll tell you exactly what's going on. Burton-on-Trent has its own fragrance. Extraordinary, I know, but, yeah, it's true. A perfume has been launched, and it's meant to... It's meant to sort of contain all the essence of Burton-on-Trent. And what is that?

Well... Beer, presumably. Well, you'd be right in assuming that. The main ingredients, contents, I think we like to say with fragrance, Marmite, Branston pickle, leather and beer.

Which I thought was a bit like... What about Hilary Devay? She lives in Burton. Does she? Yeah. Or are you sure that it's not that she lives in Burton's? I swear she's getting a club they were big in the 80s weren't they burtons oh god i'll say look was it what was their brand lord anthony was it yes yes lord anthony fashion corner gay lord pardon what just because i know that no that there was a shop called gay lord that was a concession. I remember that.

Oh, OK, fine. But no, so this idea is it's kind of a bespoke fragrance to sum up the area, essentially. Which I think that's rather a sad indictment on the area if it smells of leather and beer. But it's an idea that someone... It's a bit Clarkson. It's basically like standing next to Clarkson.

Yeah. Oh, he'd smell of fags, though, wouldn't he? Yeah, fags, leather and beer. I imagine he's one of those aftershave personalities. You know when you see a picture of someone and you think, oh, he can smell the aftershave coming through the picture. Oh, right, a bit Jerry Seinfeld.

Do you think he smells of aftershave? I think he's got that thing of, yeah, you can smell the aftershave a bit. In fact, I think I saw David Baddiel discussing observational American stand-ups and using the phrase, you can smell the aftershave off some of them. So maybe that's just in my head now. It's turning out that your whole act is just a composite.

Oh, no, this is my act. This is a conversation. Next you'll be quoting his father, Ben Elton. No, but I think Clarkson probably has quite bad breath, I would imagine. Oh, yeah. He looks like he's fond of a late-night onion. Yeah, that could be. I don't know about that.

Maybe a scallion. Oh, I can imagine him gnawing away at that pickled onion. See, I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell. You've seen what I get like about the headphones when we do the podcast. There's some perfumey headphones here. Can I just say they're not mine? FYI.

Salman Rushdie smelt of fish, apparently. Did he? So he got that nickname. Salman Rushdie? Oh, fuck! He didn't. I've met him. We had a lovely conversation. The Al-Qaeda used to have cats on leads to try and find him.

You've met Salman Rushdie? Yeah. How was he? Lovely. It was during the time of the fatwa, so it was a brief chat. Really? Mm-hmm. It was via Andrew Neil.

Let's not go into it. No. He was charming. Charmant. It's good that he returned. He didn't smell of fish. He smelt vaguely of champagne Did he?

No, I think he had to have a good rinse Because he didn't want to be tracked down By the Al-Qaeda cat Of course, back then he walked through a lot of streams, didn't he? So he couldn't be followed by stiffer dogs And he also used to have that bit of thing he'd broken off a tree That he used to cover his tracks with Oh, yeah, yeah

He was a master of the art make no mistake about that but you see i have a very sensitive nose i'm very i love a good fragrance i favor myself i like a sort of citrusy burst frank not in a household cleaning product type way but that's the sort of fragrance i favor frank doesn't really like a fragrance in fact when we lived together briefly, not in the biblical sense. During the Edinburgh Festival. Yes, during the Edinburgh Festival. I don't like a fragrance.

I like things to smell of what they smell of. Yeah. That's what I like. Also, I remember when I first started dating, have you ever tasted perfume? Yeah. Yeah. Inadvertently, I'm sure.

Well, exactly. You know, when you're licking someone's neck... Oh, God. ...your taste... We're all relieved that that was neck. Yeah, when you're licking someone's neck and, you know... I don't like that, Spank. What are you, Shep?

Oh. Yeah. And when you, uh, when you get behind the ears, you know... What? ...which is where the... Yeah, I was looking for cigarettes. Maybe a stub pencil. But, yeah, you lick round the ear.

Because in those days, girls used to dab behind the ear. This is before they just fire it into the air and then walk through it, which is my favourite application. Walk into the fragrance. Is it an atom which is my favorite application walk into the fragrance it's an atomizer is that what they call it um have i got that with any spray you just spray it into the air then as you see it fall you go through it yeah and then it settles but it tastes disgusting i mean it's so bitter i don't know i think people should smell like people. One person who was known for his pungent smell was Henry VIII.

Is that right? Yes. I didn't know that. You know I know a lot about him. Oh, yeah. What did he smell of? Gout, mainly. Oh, not goat.

He smelled of goat. I never knew that. Yes. I never knew that. His leg exploded in the coffin. No. Some say urban myth. Yeah. I say fact.

Oh, right. Okay. Surely he wasn't guilty of rich living, Henry VIII. I think he might have been. He had a lot of semi-blind servants hit by flying chicken legs. Yeah. That was the occupational hazard of the behind-the-seat servants. That's where the phrase,

you'll ask someone's eye out where that comes from, isn't it? Is that right? Yeah. I'm sure of it. Well, the reason I raised Henry VIII is not just because I have raised Henry VIII. No. What, with his exploded leg or something? What a mess that's going to be. One woman job, isn't it?

You know what? Smell the gout. Just thinking about it. And don't you find that when you smell gout, it gets on your chest a bit? Oh, yeah. You never get it off. With lilies.

Lilies and gout. Yeah. Well, nevertheless. Yeah. Henry VIII had a lopsided face did they? yes, because I did you not read this this week apparently

Henry VIII, Winston Churchill's another one and Abraham Lincoln now you may think they're all ugly but that's actually not what they've got in common I think they have a variety of Abraham Lincoln is the best of all things beard, no moustache I love that he was in the band Grandaddy for a while Abraham Lincoln is the best of all things. Beard, no moustache. Yeah.

I love that. He was in the band Grandaddy for a while, wasn't he? He's got that, you know, he's a bit on the Amish side. Yeah. But I like someone who has a beard and thinks, I don't know, I don't have to have a moustache. Why should I? Has he got a slight John Coleshawian hair thing going on?

Who, Abraham Lincoln? Yes. I know it's an odd comparison. Not that I know of. I think of his hair as, shall we say, lostrous. Abraham Lincoln. So, I'll tell you what they have in common. Apparently, if you have a lopsided face, you're more likely to make a better leader.

Right. Gaddafi did, didn't he? Well, I mean, Lembe, I hope it could rule the world. It means you'll tend to invest more in what you have to say and your personality because you can't fall back on your look. So you tend to inspire and persuade

others more. I see. Right. See, I've got a bit of a lopsided face. See, I've got a bit of an upside. I think I've said on this show before that one of my eyes is quite a bit bigger than the other. Right. I went to a Halloween party with one of those, you know those costumes down the middle of your body where you turn one way and then... Oh, yeah. I went as Natalie Imbruglia and General Hirohito, depending on which way I turned. And how did you find that people responded which which had the most power i felt they were drawn in by natalie and and repelled right i was torn

yeah i think i have a hooded eye i think i've got one eye that's more hooded than the other let me let me look at you. I know a photographer once said... Thanks very much. Yeah. We do start early. You know, a photographer once said to me, oh, yeah, that eye's really hooded. In fact, one of your eyes is hooded

and the other one looks like a middle-aged man. There's going to be conflict there. Oh, right, yeah. Because it's going to be hooded. Yes, exactly. If ever the middle-aged one remonstrates with the hooded youth you see yeah well lemac divides people into horse or plate doesn't he yeah and you're both plate and i'm horse i think really very much you see i did a show recently

where they actually did just this they they took the two sides of my face. So the left side, they then put with a mirror image of the left side rather than... Do you know what I mean? So they used one side of my face, they doubled up to make two faces. And one looked like the Roswell alien. And the other one looked like Anthony Cotton who plays the gay character in Coronation. Right.

So those are obviously the two sides of my character. Yeah. You're a gay alien, it's obvious. You are. But Iggle Piggle on the children's programme in the Night Garden, he's got a bit of a

lopsided face, but he doesn't seem to wield any... In fairness, that's not the only odd thing about that character. The name... He won't go to bed either. No, I think Eagle Piggle, though, we don't know where he's going to end up. He could move into politics. He doesn't seem to wield any

unnecessary power over the other characters in there. Yeah, but maybe, you know, they can be leaders. They can be democratic leaders. We never said they had to be despots. Oh, okay. Fair enough. No, exactly. Kim Jong-il, case in point. Yeah?

Yeah. I think he's known as Eagle Pigle amongst his own people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's a very good website, by the way, I'd recommend, which is Kim Jong-il looks at things. Oh. There's pictures of him looking at things on the internet. Oh.

It's a good browse. I'm a bit lopsided generally. When I went to have a suit made and the tailor pointed out quite brutally that one of my shoulders is considerably higher than the other. Oh. Heavy satchel. Mm.

You know Heavy Satchel, the gay activist? He's a jazz trombonist. Yeah, so one of my shoulders is considerably higher. I don't need a hands-free with my right shoulder. I just wedge it in. But it's true, I'm

a mess. I've got two odd eyes, one shoulder's higher than the other. I don't think this is... I wouldn't think of any of that as defining you. Like, when I say, oh, Frank Skinner, I don't think with the odd eyes and the big shoulder. You know, I'd say he's very clean.

Yes. He's often moisturised. I think with my eyes, I've transgressed the old road safety advice and I've mixed cross-plies and radials. Have you? I hate it when that happens. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.