The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 30th November 2011

Episode Date: November 29, 2011

Emily has seen a tweet which reads 'Frank Skinner? Dermot O' Leary? Martin Sheen?' But what's the connection. Frank thinks he knows the answer.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You ready, guys?

Come on, energy. Come on, girls. Shall we do a couple of warm-up exercises? Oh, sorry. This is the Frank Skinner Show, not the weekend podcast. And I'm Frank Skinner, and I'm with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean

and yes here we are I can only say that we did a show together last Saturday and thank you all thank you both, all really the whole team for not mentioning my accidental haircut Is it an accidental haircut? Yes. Oh, bang!

This is not at all what I wanted but I had it cut. Was it Mr Toppers? No, it wasn't Mr Toppers in Mr Toppers, you know, I'd have had a mirror and I could have stopped this man midway but I got him I was... I'm working on a...

You know I do stuff on television. On the Google box. Yeah. That's what our Keith actually calls it. Is it? Yeah. And so we got this bloke into my office to cut my hair to save time

rather than me go out for a couple of hours. Where was he from, Frank? I'm not prepared to say. I understand. But anyway, there was no mirror in the room, so I'm just talking. I'm sort of talking with the producer and stuff about ideas for the show and all that.

And why he cuts my hair and then come out of it and it's all a bit in extremis. So I'm not happy about it. Frank, I'm going to make you feel better. You've got such a lovely skin. I think you can carry it off. A lovely skin. He's got a lovely skin.

I've got a lovely skin, yeah. The one skin. I suppose it is, isn't it? It is, yeah. It's a weird way of phrasing it. Oh, God, yes. I've got lovely... I think it was Lloyd Cole who said, I've got perfect skin. Did it? Oh God yes, I've got I think it was Lloyd Cole

who said I've got perfect skin Did it? Anyway, so I'm not happy with it, I think I look like some, you know I look like a hooligan I look like an ageing hooligan they're the worst kind, someone who

talks about when he went with the inner city firm in the 80s. One of those kind of people. There is a tragedy to those guys. Yes, and I don't... Do you feel you could pop up in lock stock, maybe? Yeah, exactly. You don't look like that.

I don't think so. I think you, you know, I think you still, you've still got it going on, Frank. Oh, hair. It's just a series of decisions, isn't it? It is. Oh, hair. That's why I'd like rid of it.

I mean, I watched Steve Coogan on the Tribunal. Yeah. I haven't seen that film. What's it like? I mean, I can't. The Tribunal. You can't.

You can't have hair that long when you're that age, I don't think. Do you know, I think you're right. You can't. This is what worries me. I'm going to have to go

for the chop soon. No. No, you're all right. It's all right for ladies. Is it men that can't do it? Yeah, but I wanted to... I mean, I've known Steve a long time. We did the reading at my wedding.

Did he? We did both readings, actually. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Whose voice? I think Ronnie Corbett for Jesus. No, but he did. But I can't...

I feel like saying to him, Steve. He might have it long for a part. That's the get out, isn't it? For the actor. When he said the people had been going through his bins, I thought perhaps they're looking for the scissors as well. Just assume he must have accidentally thrown them out.

He does have a grey curl as well. I'm not fond of a grey curl. You know him better than I do, obviously. I don't. There's one particular road I haven't been down. I think he looks better with it short. Not this short, but short. Anyway, we can talk about hair until the cows come home.

I was thinking of going for a short haircut. In fact... You've got a short haircut. I've been shorter. Short to the length you've gone for. And then when I walked in, I didn't think I should mention it. I'm going to feel like I'm in the military next week. Yes.

No, I don't know. Next thing you'll be wearing an England shirt. It's casual wear. That's never going to happen. Over a bleached jean with a frayed bottom. No, never going to happen. I'm Scottish for a kick-off. Oh, yeah.

Just don't don the Caramac shoes and we'll be okay. Caramac shoes? What are they? They wear them underneath. I say they, but I think we know who we're talking about. This person. They will wear a replica shirt and a bleached jean with a frayed hem and then a caramac

shoe. Do you know the type I mean, guys? I know exactly what you mean. I associate the replica shirt with those trousers that end mid-cough. You know what I mean? And then sort of slip-on white trainers. I actually clapped with delight at that observation. Anyway, that's... And throwing a white piece of garden furniture.

I feel we're tearing into absolute hardcore following here. So let's stop that immediately. Absolute hardcore? Is that a new station? Yeah, it's their late-night TV channel they've just brought out. I disapprove, I'll be honest with you. Let's not alienate our demographic. Let's instead bond with them by reading out some of their missives. Oh, they've sent a few emails, haven't they?

More missives! No, no, missives. Oh, sorry. sent a few emails, haven't they? More missives than a missive. Oh, sorry. We've had one in from Dave Small. I hope the clubbing work's going well in Birmingham. He says... What do you mean? I don't know, it sounds like such a club comedian, Dave Small.

That's it now, I love our listeners. So do I. Dave, what have you got to say, mate? Dave says... Oh, God! On the Not The Weekend podcast, that must be the last one, you discussed how you take photos of places where you have to remember to turn left. Yes.

Oh, I remember this. I have no sense of direction, so if I have to turn left at a shop or something, I photograph it on my phone so I can find my way back with visual aids. Dave says, my wife thinks I'm a bit strange because whenever we're about to go to the supermarket, I always refuse to make a list and tell her that I've got it covered.

In reality, I always take a quick photo of our open fridge and our larder cupboard. That way, I don't know what I want to buy when I'm in the supermarket, but I know what I don't need to buy. This lets me get inspired when I'm actually there. I like that. He says it makes for interesting conversation pieces when the guys in the pub are showing off photos of kids, and all I've got is a photographic history of my fridge

during various stages of the year. That is great. I do like that. He'd be able to see autumn as well, wouldn't he? He'd be able to see it go from summer foods to winter foods. I just... I don't think it would work. My fridge is so crammed with rubbish and jars of stuff that I should have thrown out ages ago. You can't readily see what's in there.

Oh, really? It's like an elaborate chess game. We're not going there for pickle. I had to move about seven jars before I can get to... And there's ones which I can see. I can clearly read are out of date, but I never take them out of there. So I think I might need the jar for nails.

See, it wouldn't work for me either, Frank, because I only have a champagne and an eyeliner in my fridge. Eyeliner in the fridge? Yeah. It stops the make-up melting. I never knew that We've had a problem with our fridge I'll be straight with you

Kath managed to get something out of the fridge I've never seen before in my life You know that we've got one of these fridges It's got a water thing on the side So you can put it in and water comes out And then you can get ice cubes That just drop out the chute into the thing. How lovely. So one of the ice cubes came out and it had mould on it.

Oh no. Oh God. Mould on an ice cube? Yeah. Have you ever heard? Everything about an ice cube says to me that it won't tolerate mould. Yeah. That's extraordinary.

It's a slippy surface for a start. But also isn't it so cold that it kills the bacteria? I don't think so. Oh, I love it when you get science in. I tell you, they go on about the Large Hadron Collider. I'm rewriting science in my own living room. I don't think it's possible. I think it was previously believed that it was impossible to have mould on ice.

Anyway, the filter's got to go, apparently. That's what I've been told. That's what the people have told me. If I heard news like that, my catchphrase at home, if my wife said, the filter on the fridge is gone, we're going to need a new filter, my stock response is, more money. I hope that at some point you went, no, more money. Well, I didn't, because I'm under warranty.

Oh, God. Oh, God. He checked. Always a caveat, isn't there? Yeah. No, warranty is Dave Warrant, my electrician. And he does it all for free. Oh, good.

He's just got one of those schoolboy nicknames where someone's stuck a Y on the end of a name. Yeah. Warranty. You could call it a radio nickname. Oh, yeah. Righty. Frank, we've also...

I spotted a tweet this week. It said... I'm going to read the tweet to you. It said, Frank Skinner, Dermot O'Leary, Martin Sheen. Well, it was something of a mystery. A Toya Wilcox mystery. I couldn't work out what it was.

And do you know what? I held back, which I don't often do. And I held back because I wanted to find out, I thought, what do these three people, one of whom I love dearly, have in common? And I couldn't for the life of me think. Do you know what it is? I think I know.

You love one of them dearly? Yes. Is it Dermot? Is it Dermot because he wouldn't give Jane Middlemiss a lift back from Live 8? Is that true? Yes. Has this come up before here now?

I shouldn't even... Don't go there. I'm not going to go there. I think she just said, are you going back to Hampstead? And he said, yeah And she said, oh, give us a lift And he said, no

She just pointed like that, no Yeah, I think that was probably, you know He walked past me in the street the other day He's a great bloke He looked very well turned out He had some nice clobber on No, but he's nice He's very nice

Oh yeah, well There'll be a reason He is nice There'll be a reason. He is nice. There'll be a reason for that incident. Well, never mind any of that, people being nice, what has Frank got in common with Martin Sheen? I'm pretty confident. Do you know what it is?

I'm pretty confident. I thought, I've been racking my brains. I wondered whether they too had been propositioned by Jane Couch, the former female boxer. I doubt if they have. You never know. Seems to be a bit of a shot in the dark, I doubt it. And...

Can you work it out? I can't begin to guess what... You know what I thought briefly? It might have something to do with the Central Reservation years. Just because I know Martin Sheen had problems in Apocalypse Now. I don't think Dermot has, though.

No, no, it's not that. Is it not? Do you know it? Yeah. I think it's probably famous Catholics. Oh, it's Catholics. Dermot? Dermot, yeah.

Oh, really? Is he Catholic? When Dermot was on Celebrity... Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, the money went to Cathod, the Catholic overseas development thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, that makes perfect. That's a bit like an idiotic Eureka moment

that it took me so long to get that. The three of us have a pact, actually, that when Catherine Jenkins goes into chrysalis form, that we have to gather the forces of good in anticipation for the battle that we'll bring about arm again. I presume Martin's still up for it. He used to call me occasionally just for general tactical talks. But he's had a bit of a handful with the family this year.

He's had a busy time. But, I mean, he's had a bit of a handful with the family this year. He's had a busy time. But all I'm saying is when Catherine finally bangs the wooden staff across the floor and the demons rise up, let's hope it's not in the middle of X Factor. Yeah, just turn a little bit busy. When X Factor was delayed at the beginning, I thought, oh, my God, she's emerged. No-one's called me, but, no, we're still waiting. It'll be a right old to-do.

What else? Another email. Hi, Frank Cockrell and the gorgeous Emily. Gorgeous Emily, nice. She always gets that. I stumbled across this film title today. This is in response to the various television programmes that we've been discussing, like Aid in Britain.

Yeah, all based on the theory that shows are made because someone likes the title. It's a good pun, so they just make the show anyway. Winton Wonderland being the classic go-to example. I stumbled across this film title today, Chopping Mall, a horror film about a killer robot chopping up unfortunate consumers in a shopping

mall. I love that. And he says apparently it's being remade. Because at first glance, Chopping Mall could be a film about those guys that do knife demonstrations in shopping centres, couldn't it? That's, you know when the little Madonna mic and they're just

battering through carrots, yeah Yeah this will chop through carrots It'll chop through The man in this was dicing with death Strap line for the poster there Dice on with death That's a good vacuum cleaning film I've actually had a bit of a week where I've gone The other direction rather than these pun titles

I now love TV Programs that just do What they say on the tin. I watched about three quarters of Living With The Amish, which is Living With The Amish. And brilliant. I thought it was great. It's some people from London, London teenagers, and they go off and they live with the Amish. In America?

It was in America, yeah. Which, of of course are the two words that make anything believable. Indeed. But no mention of why they shave the top lip, the hatred of the moustache. I know why they don't. Why they don't have moustaches. Why is that? They associate the moustache with the

military. And because they're pacifists the Amish, they don't have moustaches. They did seem very gentle and calm. Probably. I like that about them. But that's their official title. No don't have moustaches. They did seem very gentle and calm. Probably closet homophobia but that's their official title. No fans of Movember, are they? I don't think the moustache is associated with the military these days.

The 1940s maybe. The Amish have been around a long time. They're probably basing it on that Your Country Needs You poster. I don't think they're updating their rule books like a new Apple iPad or something like that where you get a refreshed version of it.

But the other programme that I've watched twice this week... Do you think that homosexuals from the early 20th century used to sing You'll Always Find Me in Lord Kitchener at parties? I'm terribly sorry. Can I say that? I'm so sad for them. I can't. Okay. I wish they had. I'm terribly sorry. Can I say that?

I'm so sad for them. I can't. Okay. I wish they had. I wish they'd been familiar enough with the works of Jonah Lewis to be able to say that. I like to think that he's timeless. Yeah. I'm sure he went back, didn't he?

He went back at some point. Jonah Lewis? Jonah Lewis. Time travel. I thought you meant Lord Kitchener. Yeah, I thought you meant Lord Kitchener. He came back to mind a couple of times, Lord Kitchener. Let me just...

He came back to yours? Yeah. He was... I didn't like him. He just kept pointing at stuff in my house. Did he? Yeah. That's...

You don't usually get mould on ice. I said, I'm sitting there. I don't point all the time. He was an obsessive pointer. Particularly in the area that you prepare food, one in the kitchen. It was obsessive pointer. Particularly in the area that you prepare food, in the kitchen. Oh, God.

Yeah. So, what's the other programme? Strawberry conversation. The other programme that I think has a quality title is Old Jews Telling Jokes on BBC4.

Yes, I saw some of that. It's brilliant, isn't it? I mean, that is what it is. It's old Jews telling jokes. Not very I saw some of that. It's brilliant, isn't it? I mean, that is what it is. It's old Jews telling jokes. Not very old, some of them. How old? Well, there's some that it comes up with their name and their age. A lot of good names.

Some great names. A lot of good Jew names. And it'll say, like, David Wickenstein, architect, 49. 49? I don't think that's old. I don't think that's old. I don't think that's old. Well, then your argument about the title is shot down in flames. There's no young Jews on it, so they'd probably get by.

We're not getting any young Jews. There's no young Jews, making it sound rather biblical. David Baddiel, is he 50? I don't think so. He wasn't in the... I had a feeling if I mentioned old Jews telling jokes that you'd mentioned David Baddiel. How did I know that?

No, he must be about 47, I think. No, he's younger than that, Frank. No, I think I'm seven years older than him. No, he's about 44. Trust me. Well, that must be the official. Is it like the Queen's birthday? So, anyway, Pushing Tin, do you remember that film?

Yeah. Pushing Tin was... That golf film? No, that was Tin Cop. Pushing Tin was about air traffic control. Oh, that's right. But I always felt that it should have been a film about C-3PO being desperate for the toilet.

Oh, I'm pushing tin. Hurry up in there, I'm pushing tin. Oh, Emma's dirty laugh. On the subject of the Amish, if I can hark back to that, I caught myself having a pang of jealousy of them the other day. Because, you know, they eschew electrical items. They think it leads to temptation, which, you know... Depends on the electrical item, really.

It does, really. Well, you know, if I'm left alone... Or to David Bercow's wife. I don't know, that might be battery rather than AC. AC? Is that what it's called? DC. Yeah, DC. I always get those two mixed up.

I don't know why. It's not as if they're regularly juxtaposed in the musical context. Go on, I love it when you harp back. Anyway, they don't bother with electrical items, although it did seem like they pick and choose when it suits them, because there was a shot... The Amish? Yeah, after the Amish would... I'm not slagging

off the Amish. I'm not slagging them off. They live a quiet life. There's a lot about their life that I envy. Although I would like it if you two had a bloody fight over the Amish. Franker's defender of the Amish. I think they're harmless, the Amish. They're alright.

But there was a scene where one of them was getting his head shaved with clippers because they cut the hair and you kind of go, well you've picked and chosen haven't you? You've said you don't. Anyway, but I envy them in a way because my wife has... What you don't like about them is their inconsistency.

Yes, pick a team. My wife, this week, has bought walkie-talkies for the house, for domestic use. God, you've got a big house, haven't you? It is large, but it's not big, ostentatiously big, but she just... I think it's that thing of she thinks it's funny.

We know it's not going to be ostentatious, those prices. It's not ostentatious, it's nice, but I'm pleased. I'd like to own all of it, but let's not get bogged down in my loan to value. Yeah, she's bought walkie-talkie 30 quid. I can see her point. Why didn't you just buy two mobiles? Exactly. Could have got two pay-as-you-go's.

Well, don't you have a mobile? We've both got mobiles, but she wants to speak to our son on a morning. When he wakes up, she wants to go, it's not morning yet, go back to sleep. And then she can go back to sleep. That's the main purpose of the walkie-talkies. How old is your son? Four.

And when he just, does he follow commands like that? Yeah, yeah. He can just go back to sleep, right? He's very obedient. What is he, under hypnosis? Yeah, we had him at Derren Brown about three years ago. Oh, lovely. Sounds like being creosoted.

No, but I think she also thinks it's a bit of fun around the house. You know, do you want a cup of tea? That sort of thing. It's meant to. I thought, I had mixed feelings about it. I was annoyed about the 30 quid, but I was also thinking, well, it's quite a fun thing, and hopefully it will minimise the room-to-room

shouting, because that is a bugbear of mine. I frequently find myself shouting in the house, can we minimise the room-to-room shouting, please? Which never helps my case. I know. I do that as well, and I live on my own, which is a bit worrying.

Well, I do, and I live in, own which is a bit worrying well i do it and i live in like a big open plan room but uh kath my girlfriend uh for new listeners she'll i'll say um do you want to watch and she said i'm in the kitchen why are you talking to me when i'm in the kitchen um and the kitchen is part of the same room really right i think what she means is she's got things like the pressure cooker and the kettle on. It's very noisy. Trying to focus. She's a big fan of the pressure cooker. Absolutely terrifies me.

She's a pressure cooker enthusiast. Really? I don't think I've used a pressure cooker. I can't work with anything that starts going... It's terrifying. I just think any moment there's going to be an explosion I'll be... It'll land on my head, you know, the top of it. I just think any moment there's going to be an explosion, I'll be... It'll land on my head, you know, the top of it.

I'll look like Nicky Loza in The Army. Oh, yeah, you know what I mean. You can imagine. What sort of stuff's getting cooked in a pressure cooker? Vegetables. Vegetables. Oh, straight away. Yeah, just don't really eat anything else.

Right. Oh, OK. It's a healthy way to cook them, though. Yeah. I watched a little bit of the compilation show of Would I Lie to You on Friday night and

they had a bit of me on talking about when I went on holiday with someone and they had a walkie talkie on the table and the bit on there was I must admit a joke but the truth of it is obviously I embroidered the story somewhat, but the truth is, I said, what's the walkie-talkie for?

And they said, oh, we use it as a baby alarm. Oh, yeah. And I said, well, why is that? And they said, oh, you get a much better range with a walkie-talkie. But I thought, with a baby alarm, is it range that you're after? Do you want to be like, you know, can you hear my baby in distress, what, some six or seven miles away?

You want to be adjacent, don't you? Yeah, absolutely. So I thought that was a... I wasn't sure about that. I like the idea... Are they real, sort of, you know, proper, like the Forest Rangers used to have? They look a bit like those, yeah.

Or are they toys? They're not really a toy. CV rad toys? They're not really a toy. They're not really a toy. They're like a two-way radio. But if they were a toy, that would be quite fun. But I suspect they'd work less well, wouldn't they? I like using a toy in a practical way. I've got my Action Man gondolier drinking straw holders.

Did you? Yeah. And I've got Action Man as a gondolier. And I've got him, as he punts, he's holding a drinking straw. Oh, that's clever. I can always just take a drinking straw straight out of his hands. Oh, nice. I have.

In the past, I went out with a woman who, when the elastic went in her hold-up, she used to use two hoggy bears. Which would show through a pencil skirt, but you could get away with it in a loose fitting. She had a Laura Ashley that was wide at the hips. And I've been out with her in two hoggies. No one was any the wiser. And I like the idea that it was, you know, two lovable, cuddly toys at thigh level throughout the evening. At thigh level?

Yeah. Do you remember thigh level? I think it was a theme to Van der Valk. I might invest in a game of Twister, which I think might be quite useful for a fake tan. Because you have to adopt those strange... And if you've got a fake tan, those hard to reach areas Twister really caught on.

Twister opens you up. It caught on before yoga, didn't it, Twister? The precursor. Or just for just drying after a shower. You drip dry. Well you could have. Somebody could come up with a series of a colour coded answer to

drying out everything. I don't want to go back to the stirrups. But if you just went into a warm room with the twister board and you think, like, right foot yellow, left foot red, and five moves, you could probably get everything. Drys about? Yeah. If Dyson's listening, a new version of his Airblade or whatever.

Yeah, Dyson with death, that's what I say. That's too Dyson with death. Let's see if I can come up with another one before the end. I played Twister once with the late Countdown host. Did you? Twice Nightly Whiteley? Richard Whiteley. Did you really?

Small feet. Handy for Twister, I should think. Like a sort of dog in socks. I played at Vic Reeve's country home. I played Twister. Like a sort of dog in socks. I played at Vic Reeve's country home. I played Twister. Did you? I don't know if you were there. Jonathan Ross was there.

David Big D. It was an absolute star-studded evening. And my girlfriend at the time had a 13-year-old daughter who broke wind mid-Twister and ruined the entire event. Did it? Yeah. And I felt some sort of secondary responsibility. You don't want to see, you know, well-loved faces of television going,

no, no, that's actually making me feel sick. I do, I'd find that... No, I felt like I'd brought a virus into the home. I wasn't happy with it at all. I can't believe that those titans of entertainment didn't enjoy a little flatulence moment, surely. Well, some of them had titans. Not so much after the Twister.

What else? I'll tell you what else, Frank. There's a new phenomenon. Have you heard of sleep texting? You know, I have heard of that. I don't believe a word. Well, hear us out. Essentially, it's meant to be an extremely rare condition

whereby people, similar to sleepwalking, they wake up in the middle of the night and they find themselves sending texts to people and this is part of their sort of semi-conscious while they're doing it. So, therefore, they take no responsibility whatsoever for what they sent the previous night. Sounds convenient for texting an ex-girlfriend or lover, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah, I was asleep. I've got that sleep texting thing. No, I didn't mean to say that. Do you think it's made up? Well, unless... If you got a text that was just the letter z over and over again i might believe it that that was asleep someone's snoring but that's it i i i mean i i can't imagine that it's possible but who knows i suppose people know just so especially the youth they do so much texting yeah maybe they're just trapped in a switch there they're trapped there's also um sleep

emailing is apparently a problem as well but see where why have these people got their laptops in such um proximity oh i always keep it in proximity you've not got a laptop pillow you've not got one of those no i haven't got one people aren't as big a fan of convergence technology as i i sleep on a uh a george foreman lean green grilling machine oh good yeah i think it's called lean green is it is it yeah yeah the lean green grilling machine isn't it yeah that's the healthy version is it yeah yeah what i do is i'll put me put the old uh the old pajama jacket as you know i only sleep injama jacket. Put the jacket in there for just a couple of minutes before... Lovely.

Hot and a hint of corrugation. Which stops me sliding about on the rubbish sheet I've had to sleep on for the last two years. So, do you think the sleep texting... Is this just drunks, basically? Well, I read an interview with the man, Dr Connington from Australia. Dr David Connington? Yeah, who came up with this.

Was that the Hulk's real name? It's Lou Ferrigno. No, Bill Bixby played the character, Dr David Banner. Bruce Banner. It was Bruce Banner in the comics. And he changed his name to Dr David Banner. For some reason they made it David, but I never understood that. They did the same with the Elephant Man.

Joseph Merrick, in the film they made him John Merrick. Because the American producers thought, Joseph, that's a bit obscure. Yeah. Fools. So, anyway, Dr David Cunnington of the Melbourne Sleep Disorder Centre. Yeah, he said, you know, people shouldn't sleep with their mobile phones on their nightstands. And I thought, is that a normal phrase? You know, I'm always on the search for a new word.

I love the idea of a nightstand. It's like, I mean, I used to love the idea of a one night, but a nightstand, does that mean like a bedside? Is that what we'd call the bedside table? Yes, it sounds quite Victorian, doesn't it? I love it. I love the idea that night, the actual concept, that night itself has a stand that you put it on. Yeah.

I'd like to call it the plinth of darkness. Nice. Dark plinth. Frank, do you believe in sleepwalking? Oh, yeah, I believe in that. Oh, I don't, you see. I think that's just meant to come involved. Have you ever seen John Barnes play for England?

You think it's meant to do what? I think men can't be bothered to go to the toilet and they just lie. Well, I don't know because I couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet and it didn't involve walking, it just involved sleep. Now you've got rubber sheets. Yeah, exactly. Oh no, that's like Tony Adams in the hotel room. Oh.

Were you there? No, but I read it in his autobiography, which is one of my favourite books. Thank goodness for that. I thought that was going to be some revelation. You told me some stories that, you know, could have happened, couldn't it? Oh, dear.

Right team, wrong person. Anyway... Yes. Anyway, we won't go into that Yeah Anyway this whole story reminded me of the time I nodded off and woke up and I was giving a full PowerPoint presentation

What happens Never happened to you guys No I don't, I sleep with my mobile on the other side of the bedroom which I think I've mentioned to you before so when it goes off in the morning, I'm already up before I'm awake, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, that's the way to do it. My legs, they lead the way in my waking up process. Put that bit of distance so that you're not tempted to check text messages. And also, I don't want my brain to rot during the night because I've got a mobile on my nightstand. to rot during the night because I've got a mobile on my nightstand. You know, it's bad enough with the heat generated by the George Foreman.

LAUGHTER