The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 4th April 12

Episode Date: April 3, 2012

This week, Frank is joined by Alun and Emily. They discuss social etiquette, Camilla and the Killing and getting recognised.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. So, see what you think about this, then, Al, because I was leaving a theatre in the West End.

I was talking to Jason Manford. Oh, yeah. Well, I think you'll agree, he's a very, very nice bloke. He is. So he says, we were talking, he's going to be in this musical, and he was saying you know obviously it's a big step and he said oh well i can always go back to tiling and apparently used to be a i didn't know that he used to be a tiler by train really yeah and he said i'd always

go back to tiling and i said oh is that your vietnamese girlfriend and he said well i'm having that for the tour said well it's out there now, it's out there now. Oh, my God. He said, it's out there now, isn't it? And I thought, what does that mean, it's out there? And maybe he was joking. But I didn't say anything about it, and I went away and I thought, well, just a minute. Yeah. What do you think?

I think you came up with a joke. Exactly. Based on the word tiling that he had said. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't know he'd been, I thought he'd been a drama student. Well, that wouldn't have worked at all. That's all right. Doesn't make sense, does it? Can I just establish, are we

recording at this point? Oh dear, okay. Oh, um... Hello! This is Frank Skinner, and, uh... Is that bit going to be in? That's really interesting. It's all gone a bit behind the scenes. I've told you not to expose the innards, but you won't listen.

Yes, not the weekend podcast. Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran, Emily Dean. That's the cockerel. That's the cockerel one. Hold on. I feel like I've walked into... You know those blokes that do fanfares

when there's a member of the royal family? They must have a rehearsal room. I feel like I've walked... They probably rehearse without the tapestries hanging from their bugles. You know, they're just probably in their street clothes. But you'd walked in and not realising that they were... Oh, sorry, lads.

I'm sorry. They could have stopped. I mean, you know. They might go to the Acton Hilton. Do you remember? That's what they used to call the rehearsal rooms in Acton. I used to go there as a child. And Acton's made a little joke, my parents' friends,

they go, off to the Acton Hilton lobby. Can I just say that this is the theme tune to Day of the Triffids? Of course. A well-known BBC sci-fi drama that featured Emily Dean as a child star. Indeed. I imagine you... Again, the fanfare guys. It's hauntingly loud, the fanfare guys

It's hauntingly loud The fanfare guys, they need to just take it down a notch Maybe they're turned up to number 17 like I am The trouble is there's no volume control on a bugle I don't know if you've ever noticed that I have, I have frequently when I've been bugling away When I'm with the hunt I'll often say, can you just take that down a notch

They can't. We haven't got the theme tune to Granada TV's Always and Everyone that I played Jason the Asthmatic in, have we? I think we might. Sorry, lads. Sorry, lads. That's twice now.

I really got the doors mixed up. He's fiddling around there like the Great Oz with all those buttons. Oh, it's like being Rick Wakeman. A bit. But without the sort of lighter career, really. Without the capes as well. Now, Frank, did you have one of your incidents this week? Well, I went for lunch this week,

and the person I was meeting for lunch was half an hour late. No. No, I'm not good with that. Can I ask a question? Was this a friend or... Colleague. Were you paying? No. Was this a friend? Or was it a work?

Well, it was a sort of a mix of the two. It was someone I worked with, but I would say he was also a friend. In as much as one can ever be the friend of one's manager.

Oh, really? No. So I'm sitting in this restaurant and I always think... Do you know, that was as tension-filled as the bit in Sweeney Todd when he says, so it is you, Benjamin Barker. Spoiler alert. Sorry.

Oh, now what? Sweeney Todd gets caught in the end. All righty. No, but I don't know about you, but normally half an hour is my cut off but I just go yeah I think it depends very much on how much you like and want to see the person that is meant to be coming I don't like them by that stage

I find about 15 minutes in I hate them I get furious yes I know that you know what I would say to you Frank 10 is a bit mentally unwell if you leave after 10. Yeah. Oh, that's, no, that's ridiculous. 20?

Bit petulant. 20 is alright. 25 after. We're speaking minutes now, or seconds. Yes, minutes. Alright. I think you're right, 30's the cut-off. There's always that bit, when I get really angry, I thought, mate, you know, what about if they're being cut out of their vehicle with oxyacetylene equipment? But then I think, you know, at this, by 25, I'm thinking,

actually, that's the only excuse I'd accept. Did he text, Frank, with updates? He did text, but why didn't he text before I had to leave? Oh, yeah. It's no good texting at ten past when I'm already there. Were you incandescent with rage? I tell you what, there was a man sitting opposite me who I felt was smirking. Oh.

Well, they banned that in public places. Yeah. I felt that he was looking at me in a kind of a, not quite as big a star as you thought he was. Do you not eat alone sometimes anyway? I find that I quite often am in restaurants and cafes alone. I've got a very solitary touring comedian lifestyle. I thought you were best club comic.

Best club comic, yeah. Now, I assume you have the club sandwich, do you? Always, always now. Now, the good thing is the man who was giving me the smirk, as time went on, I realised That he was waiting for someone And what made it worse When she turned up She was a woman half his age

I'd rather be stood up by a man Than if a woman It makes you look like the old academic In the Blue Angel Like you've been You've made a fool of yourself over this young woman. But the waiters were starting to come over to me and I could see they felt sorry for me on my own.

Did they bring you olives? They did bring olives, yeah. I mean, that's more commonplace. If I have any more bread, I won't want anything to eat. Just enough with the bread now. You see, in Top People's restaurant, The Ivy, I don't know if you were there, they bring you the standard, a copy of the standard.

I have. Which is lovely. I did the thing of, I got my iPhone out. Of course. Thank God for my iPhone. Thank God. I imagine that if it was half an hour late, I imagine 29 and a half of those minutes

were staring at your phone, weren't they? Well, I was trying to make it look like I was going through quite a lot of emails and messages that I had in fact I haven't been stood up I'm a busy executive in fact I was reading H.I.C.'s Guide to the Galaxy on my Kindle app

is that true yeah so oh man but I did I really and then I thought how do I when he turns up how do I play this and it's always

I always have that problem are you just out and out abusive was there a certain foie de when he entered no I I won't eat that

I think it's morally incorrect no I you were full of olives and bread I thought what I'll do is I'll be I'll be like self-sacrificial I'll say bread. I thought, what I'll do is I'll be, I'll be, like, self-sacrificial. I'll say, no, no, no, it's fine.

I'll pass it aggressive, yeah. Because I thought then, that gives me a bit of lightness in the bank. Yeah. That's the good way. But then I thought, well, he's my manager. I've got lightness in the bank anyway. Yeah.

It's called 15%. Did he have a good excuse, Frank? Was it traffic? He said traffic. traffic he said traffic and he said there was some sort of event on Gower Street they had the paramilitary thing well I haven't seen anything in the news

and God knows I've scoured it I can imagine you going and googling looking for his alibi the paramilitaries what did they it was an embassy raid that didn't make the news so I mean don't come up with something that checkable.

That's my advice. I started looking out the window as well. I mean, that was tragic. So I thought I'd look out the window. But then I looked like I was looking for someone. Oh, I was like Rapunzel. A month ago, I drove to my brother's flat in Bristol,

texted him as I was setting off, saying I'll be there about four, arrived out of the car at five minutes to four, right? That's very you, Cockrell. Bursting for the toilet. I've got stuff with me, I've got bags, some of which include things that I've got for him to give him, and not in.

I mean, not in. He's made the arrangement, not in. Half an hour, and I'm phoning and mean, not in. He's made the arrangement, not in, half an hour, and I'm phoning and texting, no answer. Oh, no. And so I'm thinking, well, this is absurd. And you start doubting yourself. But did you start to worry about him?

Well, a bit. And I started to worry about my own sanity, thinking I'm sure this is his flat. I'm definitely at the right door. Oh, dear, that's a bit. And he'd popped to the shops and then said oh yeah I got stuck in football traffic at four o'clock I don't think so

that must have been a terrible game exactly it was an exodus at half time oh actually no I stand corrected I forgot but he'd just gone to the shop to get a few bits and said oh you said about

and it wasn't four, it was five so it would have made sense for the football track but he said, oh you said about five I said, it's five two, that is about five and he went, oh I thought you meant after as in about, as in after no, I meant about give or take 15 minutes

what he's done, he's looked up he's gone to look up about in the dictionary and he's just picked an A word at random. Good use of footballer's tense there, Frank. He's gone to the dictionary. He's looked it up. He's found out.

Excellent use. He's looked up. He's hit it. I was incandescent with rage but I suppose I had the last laugh in that. I've peed in his garden now. Oh well, there you go. I'm not teaching. I don't think he knows that. He who laughs last. So, did you

decide, you let him off, Frank? You let your manager off? Well, he was very apologetic, but it ruined the whole thing for me. I said to him, he phoned me up, that was the thing, he phoned me up before arriving. I hate taking a phone message, you know. And everyone was looking, thinking, oh, the person

has phoned up now. Oh, and they know and it's the person, they know. And I said, shall we just forget it? You didn't? I did, yeah. I think that's fine, to give them the out. What did he say? He said, no, no, no, I'm only five minutes away, 20 minutes later I turned up. I mean, it gets worse! Well, Frank, I had social etiquette issues of my own recently. Did you pee in someone's garden? No. I don't think that's appropriate.

Oh, don't you? That's what they said to me. I don't even want that in my mind. Oh, I'm sorry. It was a soiree, but it was a late start. We're talking post 9pm, post watershed. Ah, yes. So I find with that, I'm pretty much ancient now,

so I have to be in bed by 11, half 11. I have to say, I was invited to this self-same party, and I like the person this party is very much, but when it said, like at nine I thought well begins begins is like when you turn up you're talking to the staff for the first half hour because there's no one there and then it said something like there'll be a floor

show or something at midnight I thought midnight? Yes What? So everyone will have gone on a Thursday so I must admit I didn't go nine o'clock start, forget about it. Well, I did go. I went with, well, she's basically your sister-in-law, really.

And we met at Absolute Radio because we used the facilities to retouch our make-up. We were going to use some of the products, but they looked pretty gross, actually. They've not got a beauty cupboard here. They've got a shower area and everything here. Have they? See, I've never really used the facilities at Absolute.

No. Because once you get your key dibber, of course you can nip in any time you like. It's a 24-hour station. I always use it. Security guard gave me a filthy look. We've never got along. But I did, when I went there, Frank,

I was pretty clear-cut about what I wanted to do. I did exactly that. I arrived bang on just as it was starting. The lights were still on. They were being dimmed. Was there anyone there at nine o'clock? They were being dimmed. There was a mum.

There must have been a full tram of drinks at the door. Even the dad hadn't arrived yet. Oh, okay. There was a mum and a brother. Got all the drinks. Made sure to talk to the hostess. Yes. Which was perfect. because then she thought,

we were in the good books. Then I thought, right, making my getaway now. By which time everyone's so drunk, they don't notice. But I think, I don't know if you taught me this, Frank, never say goodbye. It's Bon Jovi, isn't it? I always, was it Bon Jovi? It's me or Bon Jovi?

Nervous. It was in a hotel room with someone, I can't remember. No, I go in... I think when I need to... Because I rarely go to a party for pleasure nowadays. I go as a sense of duty. To me, it's like when I used to sign on. I just go and register the fact I was there

then I go home I don't linger in case they say they want you down at the job centre remember that feeling my stomach used to knot up used to sign on there saying can you take this round to the job centre oh I don't want to go round there

don't make me go round there but you see if you arrive early, Frank, as well, you're useful as what they call room fill in the trade. Do they? Room fill. In the party trade. Yeah, in the party planning trade. So it's much more useful to them to have you there earlier.

Mm-hmm. Well, like I say, there would have been people there right now, I imagine, and stuff, but, um, I don't know, parties. It would have been half an hour late, I would imagine. I mean, who's going to turn up at nine? Frank, that's at parties. Emily.

I did, I was there at nine. And then, actually, I will lie as well. When she says, oh, what time are you there? I'll say, I was there till about one. I'll just gaslight her. Oh, that's... When did you leave, are we allowed to ask? About 1.

See, if anyone says to me, what time do you leave, I say, shut your face. And I think if they want to take it to a head, I'll go with them. I think if you turn up anyway, you know, you've clocked in. No need to clock out. Oh, yes.

And now, I have been missing out on a TV show, which a lot of people tell me is brilliant. Called The Killing. Oh, I love it. Yep. Have you seen it? Love it. First series in particular.

You're like one of the characters in it, actually. I do look a bit Truls Hartman. You do. Hartman. It's Danish, isn't it? Yes. You see, it's partly a loyalty thing with me. I very much like Wallander.

Oh, right. Which is not those things that you put your vegetables in to get the water out of them. It's a those things that you put your vegetables in to get the water out of them. It's the Swedish detective series. I mean, I like the Kenneth Branagh one, but I like the Swedish one. It's the bleakest television programme I've ever seen. So I've been to Sweden. I've been to Stockholm, and that's beautiful. But the places where Wallander, it's like, you know when people talk about the English countryside

and they say, oh, the English countryside. But the actual, the working, the sharp end of the English countryside around farms and stuff. Yeah. Is a lot of quite ragged, corrugated iron sheeting. And my old favourite, tarpaulin. Yeah. Love a tarp. Often in a bright blue colour. Yeah.

And that great signifier that you're in the country, the abandoned vehicle. Yeah. There's often country, the abandoned vehicle. There's often a rusting abandoned vehicle. The four-year-old child playing it. It looks like Wallander, all filmed as an English farm. It's so bleak. So I haven't seen The Killing, but then I discovered this week that a massive fan of The Killing is, I don't know what she's called nowadays.

Duchess of Cornwall. Yeah, formerly Camilla Parker-Bowles she's called nowadays. Duchess of Cornwall. Formerly Camilla Parker-Bowles. DOC, I call her. No, DOC. Not the OC, I'm afraid. That's already taken. Well, she paid a visit to the set and she did,

she posed with the, it's now sort of quite iconic that jumper, really. I rather like it. It suits you, actually, Cockrobal Talk. She posed with a jumper? Yes, that jumper. I rather like it. Suit you, actually, cock-roble talk. She posed with a jumper? Yes, that the character wears. Oh, I see. Like I say, I haven't seen it. Is it kind of like the...

Yes. Is it like that thing that Starsky used to wear? Was it Starsky or Hotch? Remember you saw a cardigan with a belt? Very well observed. It's very similar. Cardigan with a belt. Come on observed. It's very similar. Cardigan with a belt. Come on.

What did you need that for? She did something which I love, Frank. Could you knit me a bockle, grandmother? Sorry. And knotted, always double knot at the waist. You know when royals make a little joke? I love it when they make a little joke. Oh, yeah, me too.

She pointed a gun at the press and she said, it was me all along. Innocent of Agatha Christie style. Oh, good. Yeah. I thought it was quite good work from her. Well, I read one of the things

from a Danish website. Did you read this quote? And they said the fact that because some British people who like it, because it's quite, it's a bit what cool people like, isn't it? Yes, it is quite, yeah. I'm not so sure.

Isn't it? Well, anyway. I'll tell you a point. I think they've sold enough DVDs now for some uncool people to have got it. You're just worried that you're going to be amongst the chattering classes, Venn diagram. Whereas I am relieved, frankly. Yes. Venn diagram. Whereas I am relieved, frankly. Yes. Anyway,

this bloke in Denmark wrote, the royal family has confessed its dry, conservative love for the show. That's harsh, isn't it? I don't like the idea of Charles and Camilla's dry conservative love.

No, I don't like the idea of that. But I'll tell you something, I went to the Royal Command Film Performance thing, whatever they're called. What is... What's it called, the Royal...? No, I think, as you said, it was perfectly acceptable. The Royal Command, yeah.

It's not... I think I've reordered the words in some way. Anyway, it's that bit where the Royal... A couple of Royals go to. And it was Charles and Camilla. And it was The Lovely Camilla and it was The Lovely Bones do you know that film?

I was interviewed on the way in and they said are you looking forward to the film? and I said oh yeah it's great I'm really up and in the mood for a film like this assuming that because it was a royal variety it would be a lovely warm hearted family film

it's about child murder. So I'm starting to think that Camilla might be a bit of a fiend. She likes the killing, and even at the royal... She's saying, oh, come on, Charles, I spit on your grave too. Yeah, so I think she's got a darker side. I like the idea of them watching it together. She said it's one of the few things we watch together. They can agree to watch.

It's sort of a little snapshot of normality. Let's put our jogging bottoms on and then have an episode of The Killing, shall we? Oh, no, I'll just put my kilt on. It's hot. A bit hot. It's hot in here, isn't it? Can't we listen to some Goon's tapes? No, I don't like it. Don't like it.

I'm not having it. Oh, come on. Just niddy. Niddy. I bet he's like that all the time around the house. He can imagine. Anyway, so... Yeah, so that's one of the few things...

I have trouble. I know. Sometimes I'll say to Kath, oh, I'd really love to watch this documentary about the rose window in Durham Cathedral. And she'll say, right. And we're watching it. It starts.

I'm tense. And I realise that she's watching it with her arms folded. That isn't good. Oh, bad sign. Peggy Mount style. I know that look. We disagree a lot, I must say.

An ex-boyfriend of mine used to make me watch the MotoGP, I believe it was called. Oh, Frank! In bed on a Sunday, there's noise, unspeakable noise. It wasn't like living on the North Circle, it was awful. That might be the first time the word unspeakable has been used on this podcast, and I, for one, enjoyed it. It did sound like an angry older woman on Oscar Wilde play.

I quite like it when you end up getting into something because somebody else is. My wife went through a phase reasonably recently. My wife. My wife. She got into an Australian customs television programme called Nothing to Declare. Have you seen that? Yes, it's awesome. I love it. It's just about people trying to get stuff into Australia. And so I'll walk into the room and she'll just be going, he's a swallower, he's definitely a swallower and it's some guy with sweat beading his mouth. I've walked into rooms with people shouting that

Are you sure that's what she's watching? I don't know if we do that anymore I always try my best not to do that I'm terribly sorry We all did it It's people trying to smuggle... But most of the programme seems to be people taking in grains

and bits of food that aren't allowed. I thought going to Australia it would be mainly files and cakes. Yeah. No, there's no files and cakes episodes that I've seen. I think the main difference between my TV viewing and Kat's is I like watching people I like, and Kat likes watching people she doesn't like. So she can go,

Oh, God, can you look at what she's wearing? I want love, and she wants somebody she can rail at. Yeah, I'd have to turn it over if I shouted it too much. There was a point where my wife was watching that Sarah Beanie's restoration thing, and it kept doing mine. Oh, yes, I like that. Her and I should get together.

I did not like that. I didn't even know Sarah Beeney had been restored. No, it was her enormous country home. Yes, I love that. It annoyed me. What is she famous for, Sarah Beeney? I can't... She's a property developer.

Yeah, and so it seemed to be a programme that was... With highlights. Oh, Sarah's poor battle against the council that won't let her do up a home, and I kept getting a bit chippy and going, yeah, woe is me, poor Sarah. Imagine not being able to fix your country pile that you bought 20 years ago or whatever it was.

I don't like it when he goes class war, Frank. No, I know, and it's awkward. Yeah. Well, neither does my wife. Neither does my wife. Is she a hat inventor as well? Is that a Rabini? It could have been her.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Excuse me, I'll just clear my throat there. Done it. Done it now. I didn't want to do a Frank Skinner style... as if I've got something to declare. No, no, it's... Because I've got nothing to declare.

I've got nothing to declare. That's a bit Tom Jones, that. Nothing to declare. What a marvellous name for a satellite TV show. It'd be good, that, wouldn't it? I should almost do it in Australian customs or something. I wanted to speak to you about being recognised, Frank. We'll come back to this, but I'm assuming that people know who you are,

whereas I'm in this weird sort of other world where I never consider that anybody would recognise me, but occasionally people do, because I have appeared on various bits and bobs over the years. Television, you mean? Television and things like this. I got recognised from this the other day. I did an awards do and somebody came up and said,

oh, yeah, I know you're Frank Skinner's podcast. I'll listen to that. It's good. That's someone who's serious on the webcam. Isn't it? That's someone with voice recognition equipment. Yeah. I also did a gig the other day in Madam Two Swords. It was a corporate event and they tend to introduce you

I've done gigs that felt like it was in Madam Two Swords I was quite pleased with myself though because I went on and they said you may recognise him from A, B and C, some television programmes and I said I'm fully aware you don't recognise me from those programmes but is there a better place to see someone you're not sure you recognise than Madam Two Swords? Very fine work.

Very pleased with myself, yeah. Anyway, my son recently fell over in the street and landed on glass. Horrible. Oh, my God. Sorry to hear that. Horrible first aid emergency type thing. We wrapped his arm up in a bandage and we took him to hospital and everything. Did you have a bandage at your disposal?

Oh, God, yeah, we've got a first aid kit in the house. Oh, goodness me, yeah. At least one. And so we're piling into the hospital, me and my wife, I'm holding the baby, the boy, and this guy that's like a, I don't know, maybe he was a triage nurse or whatever it is, and I'm taking him in and he's going, so where do I know you from? And I'm like, eh? And he went, we work together, don't we?

I know you from somewhere. I had a hat on, so he couldn't tell that I'd shaved a head. So it wasn't like, he couldn't tell that he'd seen me on Dave, probably. Right. But I wasn't going to say at that point, yeah, never mind my son'd seen me on Dave, probably. Right. But I wasn't going to say at that point, yeah, never mind my son, who's got a bleeding arm, I'd love to tell you about how it's probably mocked the week from three years ago that you've seen on Dave this week.

And he was insistent, and eventually, and I look back on this and shudder slightly, he went, no, no, I know you're from somewhere. What do you do for a job? And I went, not now, mate. Did you actually say that? do you do for a job and I went not now mate I literally gave him a not now mate it's a bit out of my job I was pointing at the bleeding child

not now mate and then later on I had to slightly embarrassedly say I'm a stand up sometimes you might have seen me on the telly but it just felt like not the time that is the worst, when somebody says, who are you now?

And you're like, no, I don't want to be in a quiz. Does that happen to you? Surely not. Still, I was at a carvery in Birmingham. Do you know, this is my favourite story ever. And I was queuing up, and there was this... What year was this? This would be about five years ago. Oh, OK.

So in Birmingham it was 1974. There was an old lady in the queue. And you know when people talk to old ladies, they have to speak a bit loudly. Yeah. And they'll say, you know, he did that song. You know, he did that football.

No. You've seen him on... You've seen him on the... On Have I Got News? No. You've seen him on you've seen him on the on Have I Got News? No. And they said, Frank, he did that football. Oh, no. I mean, she said, oh, I can't stand him.

I mean, quite loudly, yeah. And of course, she's supposed to just take it. Everyone laughed. And I thought, I said, you know, she's probably senile.'s my only my only way out but it was uh i didn't like that much and then the other week i went to a a restaurant in uh in the west end and uh the waiter i recognized because I went in there once with our producer, Daisy, and she ordered a goat cheese salad. Oh, yeah.

And he said, do you think that's wise? Oh, yeah. Because Daisy was pregnant at the time, and you're not supposed to have soft cheese when you're a pregnant woman. I mean, we all said, A, how knowledgeable and professional and how courageous. Because if it had just been, okay, it could have just been a fat woman with a pot belly, and then I don't think... Do you think you should have that?

I think you've had enough cheese, love. You know what I mean? That would have been the... I would have just let you take the risk, frankly. Yes, I'd have thought, yeah, I'd rather than... Cos I was... Did I tell you about my Wagamama experience? No. I was terrible. But I'm all ears. It was terrible. I was in Wagamama experience? No. It was terrible. But I'm all ears. It was terrible. I was in Wagamama with my pregnant girlfriend.

And, um... Not that I have several girlfriends. Am I going to have to get... Some are, some are, some are. I'm going to get my arthritic claw ready. And the waitress came over and said, can I get you some drinks? And Kat said, oh, I'm pregnant as well.

And I thought, she isn't. She really isn't. Anyway, I thought, I'm not going to say anything, because if Kat hasn't noticed, that's good. I don't want her to get stressed. So the woman went away, and Kat said, oh, I just said, she isn't. And I said, no, no, she might be.

She said, no, no, she really isn't. She really isn't. I said, look, I think she's kind of Scandinavian, so she might not have picked up on it. She said, oh, no, she really isn't. She really isn't. I said, look, I think she's kind of Scandinavian, so she might not have picked up on it. She said, oh, no, we need to go. I said, we're not going to go. We can't walk out. So she was utterly mortified.

So anyway, the girl came and I said, you know, she still seems friendly. I don't think she understood what you said. I don't know whether she did or whether she didn't. But at the end, we got up and this woman, I think trying to, you know, show there was no hard feelings, said to Kat, anyway, good luck. And she said, yeah, you too. Oh, no, no, no.

Please, please stop doing it. Stop doing it. Good luck getting rid of that fat is what it sounded like. Good luck with getting rid of that fat, is what it sounded like. Oh, God. I mean, it was... I just wanted to run away. So, anyway, this same waiter... The goat's cheese guy. He said to me...

Let's call him. Yeah. Yeah. And I said, oh, I remember you recommending... I told him this thing and he said, OK. He said, oh, did I? Oh, right. And I said, oh, I remember you recommending. I told him this thing and he said, OK. He said, oh, did I? Oh, right. And I said, he said, oh, yeah, he said, you had pink lemonade. Oh, my God, he's a weirdo.

Well, my first thought, which is perhaps even more Emily Dean thought than that, was, well, they can't get many celebrities in here. I'm going. But what a thing to remember that. And he was right when he said it. I remember that I didn't have pink lemonade. Yes, I do remember that. You don't sell that many pink lemonades.

That's a good thing. No, and I mean, I don't know that he took it as some sort of secret sign. That was one of our infamous clown suppers when you had the pink lemonade. Was it? Yeah. What?

Oh, yeah. Why is it clowning? No, we used to discuss on the show, didn't we do that with you, what clowns ate? Oh, yeah. Yes. That's why we sent pink lemonade. It is kind of random, though, the idea of,

like, I think you get quite used to, if you spend time with famous people, you get used to the look that is someone being recognised. You sort of see people's heads turn. You get the nodding. And I, this is horribly arrogant, but last week I was walking along a street near me that has a strip of bars and thinking, wow, I must have been on a repeat or something. A lot of people are looking at me today.

wow, I must have been on a repeat or something. A lot of people are looking at me today. And then I realised I had a cute baby in my arms and my mate, who I was with, is a very heavily tattooed man. He's a tattooist, so he's covered. So he would be the sort of person that people would turn to look at. And my friend who was behind him is his girlfriend, who's a good friend of mine, who has been on Coronation Street, Heartbeat and

what's that one that's popular now? Downton Abbey. And you had a crash helmet on. And I had a crash helmet, full face as well. It's come straight from the cricket. It's come straight from a modelling session. How arrogant am I to think, oh yeah, people are turning

and looking at me under those circumstances. Because Daisy, who works on this show, and myself, shall we confess, Daisy, once when we were in Edinburgh, we saw you, and, yeah, we saw you with Cockrell Jr., and we did get very excited. Oh, that's nice. Yes, we did.

Oh, that was before, huh? And we said, oh, isn't he nice with the Cockrell Jr.? Before I joined the show. I got in a cab the other day and the bloke said, oh, great, oh, great to have you in here. And I said, oh, thanks, that's lovely. He said, well, he said, I've had a few famous people in here. And, uh...

I hope I wasn't with them at the time. Yeah. And I said, oh, really? He said, yeah, the best was probably, and I thought, I don't like this, I don't like the way this is. Why not? It's almost like the way this is. It's almost like a gauntlet. Here's who you've got to top.

I never suggested that you put us in order of preference. Why can't we just be... It's like the Sonys when you get second and third. I don't want it. I'd rather second and third than just one. I wouldn't. Anyway. Lockerley said the best was dot, dot, dot Mick Jagger. And I thought, well, I'm happy with that, Mick Jagger.

And then I thought, Mick Jagger in an Addison Lee Ford Gullet. What's going on? And he said to me, oh, apparently Mick Jagger knows, he knows the boss, he knows the boss of the company. Mick Jagger? He's thinking, I'll get a free car.

You know about Mick Jagger? Free car. Just did you? Yes. Is he? He doesn't, well, I don't know if we can say that, but I'm going to say it,

he is. Well, the same bloke said, there's so much gossip there. Same bloke said to me, I had that magician bloke in here. I thought, OK, well, I'll start the list now. I said, Paul Daniels? Paul Daniels! He said, I had him and his wife. He said I had to give him a lift to South Mimms Services.

For a gig? He said, no, he'd left his Rolls Royce there because he wouldn't pay the congestion charge. Brilliant. Oh God, that's my phone. Oh, it's the clowns again. Frank, my favourite incident was when Chris Jagger, Mick's lesser known brother. Oh yeah, Chris Jagger, I remember the album he had out. Yes, Chris Jagger, Mick's lesser-known brother... Oh, yeah, Chris Jagger. I remember the album he had out. Yes, Chris Jagger once said to me, he said, yeah, I'll tell you what, we've got a lot of celebrities around Muswell Hill. Linda Bellingham.

I said, your brother's Mick Jagger, and you're boasting about seeing Linda Bellingham in Muswell Hill. Wow. Jonathan Ross, you may know this story. This is getting ridiculous. He's got a name- name dropping going on in the studio He once sat next to Princess Diana at a dinner

Has he ever told you this story? I'm so envious of you because you've got a job where you can meet so many famous people and he said to her but you could meet anyone you like, you must realise that and she said I only get to meet politicians and people.

He said, no, but you could meet anyone. He said, who would you most like to meet in the world? And I bet it could be a range. And she said, Noel Edmonds. She was a very unhappy girl. This is Frank Skinner

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