The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 7th December 2011

Episode Date: December 6, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun share their thoughts on Mariella's Pampas Grass Plants, plus other Swinging urban myths

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio. Hello.

Hiya. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the listeners. Oh, okay. Sorry, you looked at me. Well, I looked at you because... Oh, we hate starting with the frog in this way. Can you two just talk for a second while we're talking? Hello.

Hi. I mean, better than just greetings. What's up? Frank, are you all right over there what's going on he's masticating yeah i feel uh i feel better now um yeah we were just talking about chimney sweeps uh i was saying it used to be classed as lucky to shake hands with one That's because of absolute 1880s. I think that features a travelling chimney sweeper who goes round Greater London shaking hands and giving people absolute kickback. I couldn't see Frank's eyes. I like to see the whites of his eyes.

Not so much white. A sort of a greeny grey. I don't know whether it's the aqueous or the vitreous humour, Not so much white. A sort of a greeny grey. Oh. Yeah. I don't know whether it's the aqueous or the vitreous humour, but one of them has gone rancid. Oh, has it? In the very core of my eyeball. I was wondering what humour we were talking about there,

for us, about the podcast. So, anyway, you just don't see the chimney sweeps anymore, let's face it. No, I used to have a little bit of material about this. My mate Neil said to me, can you come round to the flat on Wednesdaynesday and stay in because the chimney sweep is coming around and i know yeah and i was saying have you got any other uh like archaic staff that i need you know now that you've reminded me could you give this check to my farrier i don't think i'm

gonna see him before i think the lamp lighter yeah now i, I noticed a friend of mine had some of their children's art. You know, kids do drawings. Yes. Oh, yeah. And they did the classic drawing, you know, with the house and the windows and the little pastels. But no. Oh.

No smoke. No smoke. And of course I thought, well, no, they wouldn't. They've probably never seen smoke coming out of a chimney. The idiots. It's updated, isn't it? We had smoke in our childhood pictures, but that was my parents, 20 Lamb at Butler and Dawes.

Yeah, well, we ran an Indian funeral service in the back garden, so I grew up around smoke. You know how your clothes always smell of a bonfire? It was like that. My robes. Because I conducted a lot of service. Not smoke without pyre, you might say. Absolutely magnificent.

I think we have to end it there, don't we? Can we follow that? Just a minute, I'll ask the producer. Can we follow that, Geoff? Oh, we can. A 70s idea that the producer has to be gone i uh you notice i'm scratching my head slightly yeah i um what go on after my accidental haircut last week great film when a man uh cut my hair without asking what i wanted beforehand he just improvised um badly i don't

think it's as bad as you think it is, but I can see how you... Like, if you haven't said what you want and he's cut your hair... Do I look like a man who's doing an English degree in prison? No, you're not doing an English degree. You might be in the kitchen. Well, I might be working the library. But now you say it, I can see your bite.

I can see that you've got... Yeah, I've got a bite. I had... The regular listeners yes they do exist they uh will know that i had a mosquito infestation well we had one one mosquito came into the bedroom but um i was terrorized by it and it died i'm told by my girlfriend who googled mosquitoes the very next morning but um they live for 72 hours oh is that all yeah yeah you don't get you don't see any uh old mosquitoes three days though you know we call them pests but you've got to have a bit of sympathy. Yeah. Three days.

Because, you know, what if it rains one of those days? It can't even go out. That's a third. That's a third. They've got to carpe diem, those mossies. I wonder if they sleep, or if it's like a teenage weekend. You think three days, I'm just going to keep going. Yeah.

Anyway, so I was lying in bed bed and I heard the telltale. And I thought, oh, no. And then I thought, my neck's itching. I've already been bitten. And then I felt like I had a horn developing on my head. I'd been bitten in the gap left by the accidental hairdresser. It shouldn't really be there. You know, he had to fill in the corners with a fringe. He's just left it gaping.

So I got up and I went down to the spare bedroom. I slept on the sofa bed and I lay there with two bites on my throat and this lump on my head. And then my girlfriend came in and said, oh, I've heard it now as well. And we lay there on the sofa bed and i thought this is not what people think showbiz is like although i like

that you went to the spare bed and your girlfriend was with you because that doesn't normally happen no but she she was because i'm going i said i'm going downstairs as mosquitoes and she said there isn't and then uh yeah so she heard them so yeah, actually to be driven out of your room. Yeah. Was there not like a newspaper that you could just pop the light on and kill a few and then sleep soundly, knowing that you'd wielded the axe? Well, what I really needed was one of those,

you know those electric tennis rackets? Oh, yeah. When you hit them, that would have been joyous. Yeah, I mean, also, I was going to say that would have been ace. And then I realised it was a bit close to a pun. That's not what I do. Perhaps what I need is a mosquito net. Oh.

I've got a mate who works for Comet Relief. He's got about 600 of them up the loft. Mosquito nets? Yeah. I think he just, you know, they were lying around. He took them out. You know what it's like at work. And I think he uses them for suet puddings. But I'll ask him, I might,

but do I want to be sleeping under a mosquito net in London in December? No, it's really weird, though, isn't it? I mean, I may have told you this before, but this is when I realised that global global warming was actually happening when a few years ago i saw a mosquito in birmingham and thought we've made the world too warm now if mosquitoes are in but i remember when mosquitoes were like a story that people told in playgrounds from foreign holidays they go yeah we saw two things about that one first of all i love mosquito nostalgia but secondly i didn't the only people I knew when I was at school

who'd been abroad was our Frank, me sister's, Anne Ora's husband, who'd been in Libya doing national service. That's a nice holiday, lovely. Yeah, children with foreign holiday anecdotes just didn't exist. Well, I was... That's how time has changed, that's all I'm saying. Yeah, hasn't it?

And when they came back and said, yeah, we saw a mosquito in Tunisia, and we'd all be like, wow! And now they're in Birmingham, and now they're in London in December. It's absurd, isn't it? It's... I... Also this week I had...

I met a man who studies aliens. He was on the TV show I did, but I spoke to him. Oh, was he unopinionated? I didn't see it this week. Oh, please, never mention. I know, we're not allowed to mention praise and we're not allowed to mention any of Frank's TV appearances.

Exactly. It's a bit weird. As Alan said, cross-pollination. Sometimes I forget yes I don't want to be one of those people who say why don't you tune in to my TV show

tonight well actually no one says it because everyone with that voice doesn't have a TV show mate yeah

but yeah anyway so we had this man on I spoke to him after he gave me a free book signed did he and he was lovely

and he was he was talking about the aliens and my goodness me and he didn't was talking about the aliens and my goodness me and he didn't seem at all barmy very he was kind of he was kind of posh and normal and he said to me uh i said it's uh they're not our style then the uh the alien he said well i from my contacts i understand we're currently at war with at least one alien life force. Oh no. Well,

I mean, what do you say to that? You say get out. Well, during the time of the cots, it's probably, they might... Maybe that's the cause of the cots. We've spent so much money firing on the Phoenicians, as I think they're called. Are they? Well, I've made that up.

But that's it. And then, of course, the governments made that up. But that's it. And then, of course, the governments aren't allowed to say that, because we're going through a big panic. Alright. Was he a bit of a sort of, what's it called, when they believe in... Conspiracy theorist as well. Well, I suppose anyone who believes in aliens.

But he put forward the idea, what about this, for an idea that Jesus was an alien. And how do you take that? Well, it hasn't cropped up in any sermons I've heard. But... It didn't creep up in your chat with the APFC. He said, of course, he said,

some aliens have been quite high profile and I thought, here comes the Katherine Jenkins payoff. No, but no. He said, Jesus, for example. And I said, why eat him? Not in the face, just in the stomach. He just doubled him up. He jackknifed.

It wasn't, I didn't follow through. It was just a rap, you know, just to take the wind out of him. No, he said, and I said, oh, come on. And he said, he said, well, look, you know, he said, born by some sort of strange juxtaposition of the extraterrestrial and the normal, the star at the beginning, the ascent at the end, when he just shoots off into space at the end.

And I thought, this lad, he argues well. This lad. I'll have to put him in touch with the ABFC. Yeah. Yeah, but it was... So he gave me his book, and I'd been... I wouldn't normally buy an alien book, but... I'm very relieved to hear that.

Yeah, free. I wouldn't ever buy an alien book. Yeah, and so I started... I read Alien Cars book. Oh! Sorry. And it just lists military sightings of aliens, of UFOs. It's been a lot.

Yeah. Makes me, I'm wondering about it now. I find it quite exciting. I think the military do call them UFOs rather than aliens. They do call them UFOs. But this bloke, he argued well, because he sort of said I would say 95% of these sightings can be explained.

And you think, oh, were you? He's been a bit reasonable in order to draw me into the other 5%. Clever. But, you know, he knew nothing about mosquitoes. I asked him, he just looked at me. Well, on the subject of mosquitoes, I met a man this week who said to me, I was quite ill last year,

I got bitten by a scorpion in Peru, and a scorpion had bit his leg. Hold on don't bite today scorpions well oh sting i stung by a scorpion in peru okay and he said it felt like someone putting a cigarette out on him on his leg and then he started going numb and then he was lying in the bed and the numbness was moving around and his girlfriend came in and all he could say wherever he was in Peru was been bitten! And she got really worried. But it's a good story, isn't it? It's one of those stories where if you live through it

you then think, well at least I've got my been stung by a scorpion in Peru story. I've got nothing. But you have to suck the poison out. You're meant to do that, aren't you? I don't think she sucked the poison out, no. When you said bitten by a scorpion, I thought it was going to be a gladiator's anecdote.

I thought it was a Simon Cowell anecdote. Well, it's a hell of a tale. No, I mean on a scorpion. Yeah, yeah. Very good. Frank, you mentioned the ABFC earlier. Yes. And you're the...

For new listeners, that's the Archbishop of Canterbury. Yeah. That's a rather curious name for him. Mm. And new listeners, that's the Archbishop of Canterbury. Yeah. That's our rather curious name for him. And actually... Friend of the show! I think he's a friend of the show. I've never seen that before. Definite.

We've had an email in from Rob who also refers to him as the ABFC. He has an ABFC related story he'd like to share with us. Dear Mr Radio, the delightful Emily and the cockerel. Does he mean... Hello, Mr Radio. What a threesome.

I recently... Put more of that later. I recently heard Frank's request for any listeners' Archbishop of Canterbury anecdotes. Yeah, that's... I love that you made that request. Yeah, it's not the sort of thing you hear at the OC do on breakfast. No. No. Rob says, I've had what I shall now refer to as an A, B of C,

D, E, which is an Archbishop of Canterbury dance experience. So, if I can set the scene for you gentlemen, this is 1996. We're at a Christian arts festival called Greenbelt. Oh, yeah, it's on Cheltenham Racecourse, I think they hold that. And it was the then

A, B of C, George Carey. I haven't been, because I think Christian's, generally speaking, a bit weird. Thanks. I can say that as well myself. OK. So we're in Greenbelt. After a night of no sleep,

myself and my friend Dave stumbled bleary-eyed into a big top tent in the hope of finding some warmth. What we actually found was that we'd just inadvertently joined a prayer through movement workshop. To add to the already surreal moment, I looked to my right and saw none other than the then ABFC George Carey standing next to me.

It's a past ABFC story. George Carey, yeah, of course. I liked his work. So as not to appear rude, I joined in with what amounted to a Tai Chi and prayer and danced next to the ABFC. Combined with my lack of sleep, it made for one of the oldest moments of my life. Wow. That is a big... It's quite a moment.

That's a good anecdote. I have to say, Tai Chi, in case you don't know what Tai Chi is, it's a sort of an Eastern thing. I think it's actually classed as a martial art. It's a very slow martial art. Very slow martial art indeed. But when done quickly, apparently effective. Is that right? Sometimes

I've walked through various London parks in the morning and you see old Chinese men doing Tai Chi on their own, which I'm always very impressed by that. But I once went to a Tai Chi workshop to get a bit of a taste of what it was like. Free it was. Free? And I thought, you know, it's a sampler.

Yeah. I went in. And the man wasn't Chinese. He's a very big white man. Very big. In a shell suit. Oh. And I didn't want that for Tai Chi.

I don't want any swishing as they go into the position. Yeah. No. Of sleeve against. Good job it's slow, really. You don't want to hear nylon in a Tai Chi centre. No, and also, he had big white trainers. I mean, very white.

I felt that he thought, I'll get some new trainers for the Tai Chi workshop. Oh, right. I know those trainers. They're the sort of men that call their sons mate. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Well, that's it.

He was very much like that. And Tai Chi didn't really... He didn't seem like a Tai Chi guy. He jars that, yeah. But then I thought, I have to put this out of my mind and just concentrate on the vibe here. And then the whole thing was destroyed for me.

It was as he raised one leg, I saw that he had a Foot Locker sale sticker on the bottom of the trainer. Oh. I mean, and the whole spiritual world came crashing down. Yeah. In a blitz of commercialism. Yeah, absolutely. You occasionally see ladies with, like, boots on with stickers on the bottom.

It always makes me... Well, church, you see. I see a lot of souls in church, and I don't mean the spiritual part. I mean when they kneel. Catherine Drake. Yes. So you see all sorts of things on the bottoms of shoes in church. Oh, we're never far away from...

It's become very religious, hasn't it? Very, very much so. I like a George Carey mention. I like his story. He was an Arsenal fan, wasn't he? George Carey was an Arsenal fan. Yeah, he was. I remember someone, an ex-friend of mine,

I was going to say, having an argument with a Spurs fan and they were saying, we've got Melvin Bragg and the Archbishop of Canterbury and you've got Chas and Dave. I always remember that argument. So yeah. Celeb fans. Well, they've got Michael McIntyre

now, Tottenham. So that was a good signing. I've got Sir Patrick Stewart. Yeah? Yeah. That's it. Not sure he goes much. I'm just saying for him. I've heard he does. Given.

Given half a chance. This whole thing reminds me of a lost weekend I had with the Dalai Lama at the Ministry of Sound. It's very similar, isn't it? No, it's not. The Dalai Lama? I saw a thing in the street the other day that I wanted to tell you about. I walked past a man who, he was a bald-headed man, who had a tattoo of

a very thin blue line going around his head, but at a jaunty angle. Oh, no. Sure it wasn't a vein? It wasn't a vein. I had a, I had a double look just to make sure that it wasn't a vein or a bit of string. It wasn't a really big egg cup outside an egg cup shop. No. Although I would have liked that, as you know, I like a smiley-faced egg cup. Oh, yeah, who doesn't? It looked a bit like somebody had put a trilby that was too small onto him

for, like, ten seconds or thirty seconds, and it had just left a bruise. Or maybe he'd worn a dark blue hat in the rain and it had left a... But a strange tattoo to choose, I think. And no, sorry, oriental language, which seems to justify any tattoo nowadays. No, there was no... Yeah, which seems to justify any tattoo nowadays. No, there was no... Yeah, that's what they say. People get in... I once met a man who had had, like,

what he thought was a funny tattoo of getting, like, sweet and sour chicken, but in Chinese symbols, because everyone sort of goes, oh, yeah, but that really says... You know when people go in for a Chinese symbol and they go, oh, yeah, I want hope and empathy, and the thing is that the tattooist goes, oh, yeah, but that really says... You know when people go in for a Chinese symbol and they go, oh, yeah, I want hope and empathy. And the thing is that the tattooist goes, oh, yeah, well, this is actually sweet and sour chicken.

Yeah. But he had had sweet and sour chicken deliberately done in China. Oh. Yeah. I bet it says hope and empathy. I hope so, yeah. He was one of those guys, you know. So, um, I...

Very odd. What was it about that tattoo? I've no idea. But, you know, that's what he's gone for. Was it a navy colour? What would you... Yeah. Maybe a wee bit more specific, please, about the shade. I'm not blue.

Have you got a colour chart with you? Very much so. Dulux. Yeah, it's very strange. He's nearly always blue, isn't he? Very little black, you ever seen a tattoo? Oh, I don't know. In a Celtic one, sometimes you get a lot of black, don't you?

But I haven't got any tattoos. Blue is the big... It's the big tattoo colour. You think? Oh, I don't know. In a Celtic one, sometimes you get a lot of black, don't you? I say blue. Blue is the big... It's the big tattoo colour. Yes, you think. Well, got you. I haven't got any, mainly because of indecision. Not because of any kind of judgement on them. I just... I'm so indecisive. Sometimes I can't choose what towel to use after a shower or

a bath. Really? You have more than one towel? Picking what method, what pattern to permanently scar myself with is uh you see my cleaner my cleaner doesn't keep the towels in the bathroom she keeps them on a different floor she puts what she decides what towel i'm going to use that week and she leaves that in the bathroom and because she only comes once a week the last couple of days it stinks oh but i stick with it i'm not going i'm not going down to the towel store i don't keep dogs to bark myself

why can't you just pop oh okay my i tell you how to live your life my problem i think is similar with the tattoo the reason i've never had a tattoo is because um it's that thing about it's like marriage it's predicting yes are you going to feel for the rest of your life about something i mean i had um for example imagine now if i just went on you know oh man i'm gonna have a tattoo of that it'll be brilliant you know i'd probably now on my left shoulder have a have a Freddie Star in an oxygen mask. Now, give it 12 months, who's going to know what the hell? Be a weird reference.

And who's those two fat women on the shoulder blade? You know, two shoes. From X Factor. You know what I mean? I don't. Yeah, so, that's the trouble. Because I have big crazies on things. Yes, me too, Frank. And then they go.

I do as well. I couldn't risk that. And also, I don't want to put myself in a position where I couldn't be buried in an Orthodox Jewish cemetery. Is that right? No, they don't allow tramp stamps. If you have a tattoo, they don't... Emma, the producer, I think, has got a tramp stamp. Yeah, we never mention that. No.

Yeah. What's a tramp stamp? ask Emma she's got one it's a tattoo right above in the lower back yes yeah

I thought it was depending on what you've got though wasn't it? no not in my book oh really? not in my book

what's happened with tattoos is they've sort of gone upmarket yeah they've become it's a bit like when I used to, I really got into Eminem in his early days. And then when I saw, like, you know, little kids liked him and he was doing big arenas, I had to stop liking him because too many people liked him.

Right. And tattoos, when I was a teenager, they were from, you know, they were on people from the dark side. Yeah. And were they sailors on shorelies the dark side yeah and whether sailors on surely yes fair workers ex-cons you know the ex-con demographic the swallows on the uh where the thumb joins the hand yeah that became like um a thing wasn't it everybody that had been to prison had that yeah and ladies didn't have If you've got a little blue tear in your eye, it means you've done a kill. Is that right?

I think so, yeah. Do you know what, Cockrell? I love that you know all about prison. I loved it when you were in Chokey. I don't know if it's true. They sprung him from the moor. But nowadays, you wouldn't be stunned to discover that Fern Britton had a tattoo.

She has got one. No way. Well, there you are. She had one recently, I believe. Oh, no. What did she have? I don't recall the symbol. a tattoo. She has got one. No way. Well, there you are. She had one recently, I believe. Oh, no. What did she have? I don't recall. The symbol. Prison tattoo. What would that be? She said she decided, yeah.

Agent's phone number? It says, yes, I'll do it. Yeah. Will drive myself. Oh, God bless her. She's lovely. See, I'm not going to get one of those. Because you know what's in vogue at the moment, guys? Two little paw prints. Oh, God bless her. She's lovely. See, I'm not going to get one of those. Because you know what's in vogue at the moment, guys? Two little paw prints.

Oh, yeah. Have you seen that? No. A paw print on either Lala, let's call it. Cleavage. Oh, no. It looks like Foxy Bingo's left a trail. How big a paw print?

I mean, the fox size. Sort of cat's paw size. Yeah. On the... On the breast. On the bust. Yeah, on the bust. Very's paw size. Yeah. On the on the breast? On the bust? Yeah, on the bust. Very good, Frank. Chest. I've never

heard of that. Have you heard of that? That's fashionable, is it? I think I've seen it, yeah. As if a dog's jumped up you, you know when a dog jumps up you when you come in. Or a cat. Either a big cat or a small dog. Yeah, you get in and the dog it's on its hinder legs, as they used to call it.

Oh, I don't like that. No. It's not for everyone, is it, tattooing? I do think, though, that there is money to be made if you could come up with a good, efficient method of removal. Yeah. Because I don't think anyone's ever done that. Our Carol tried to get, she had several ex-boyfriends. Just so you know, that's our Terry's

My sister-in-law. Yeah. She had a few ex-boyfriends on, she tried to get them removed and it just looked like the bloke had tried to cut them off with scissors. It's horrible, I mean scar tissue and I went out with a lady who had a Colt 45 smoking Colt 45

on the arm. Really? And she had several removal sessions never went they just do cover up now nobody tries to get them removed they do a tattoo that covers the tattoo but if you could come up with because so many people are having them

and I'm thinking oh actually I wish I hadn't have done that if you could come up with a good removal that would I thought there's two big money spinning ideas tattoo removal made efficient make you a fortune and also for celebrities

I have this theory, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but a Google search that just lets in the nice things said about you on the internet. Because the reason I never look myself, I'd love to read nice stuff about myself, but I will not go, you know, it's like staying in the toilet cubicle

when you hear friends come into the toilet and thinking, I'll listen to what they say. You know what I mean? So if you could come up with a Google search for celebrities that took out the nasty stuff, you could make a fortune. Jimmy Carr would give me two million. Frank! Obviously, I don't know what...

I could only give him the threads. Be as simple as that. So, Frank, poor old Mariella Frostrop. Mariella Frostrop. I say Mariella Frostrop. I really like her, actually. I like her as well. Yeah, she's nice.

Did that suggest that I didn't like her? No. Because I did a sexy voice? No, but I felt it important to state, because I don't often, it's not often that I get the opportunity to say that. and i do like she might be the only attractive woman you like it's always a first maybe she's got herself into a bit of a bit of a pickle a bit of a judge pickle she is um she's one of those i don't know quite what it is but one of those women that middle

aged men like there aren't that many you You know, the Carol Vorderman? Carol Vorderman, or who was the braless gardener? Charlie Dimmock. What happened to her? Do you hear my tummy then? Was that what that was? Horrible. I actually love that sound.

Cut a heart. Oh, actually, my stomach's going to go in it. Oh, sorry. I'd be surprised if your stomach did make that sound. No, she's got into a bit of bother with swingers. Are we allowed to say swingers in the Absolute? I think we can say swingers as long as we don't... I think people know what they are without having to explain.

I think Absolute listeners do. Explain too fully. No, she planted some... I think Charlie Dimmock got into trouble with swingers. It's her own fault. It was never the same since she bought a bra, honestly. Did she buy one in the end? Yes, it's like when Jennifer Grey had the nose job.

Who? Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing. Oh, yeah. She had a nose job, never worked again. Oh. That's true, yes. Is that right? Charlie Dimmock.

She's admitted she regrets it now. Dealt with the swingers and, yep, gone. Anyway, meanwhile, back in Mariella's pad, she planted some pampas grass. Are you both familiar with this? White, tussocky sort of plant. Tossocky? Yes, I'd describe it tussocky.

Tossocky? Yes, you have... He knows. Tossocky? Yeah, tussocks. Yeah, tussocks. Like in Scotland they have that. I don't know.

It's wild... Yeah, see, the producer's nodding. Okay. Yeah, she's just fallen asleep. No, she hasn't. Just because you don't know it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. OK, I don't doubt that it takes. It's pampas grass.

She had pampas grass, and apparently that is a sign to swingers. If you put it on your balcony or in your front garden. Yes, I knew that. Did you know that? Yes, I did. I did not know that. This is new. You knew that?

Yes, I did. Isn't the problem, now that this story is out, that she had pampas grass, is that all the swingers, that she, you know, Pampas grass, is that all the swingers will have to get rid of their Pampas grass because, you know, the word is out. It's not a secret signal. And also, it's tantamount to a call, isn't it? Yeah.

Because Pampas grass will be left to perish all over Britain. If it's a grass, though, it'll probably flourish. It'll be fine. Well, not if it's in a... I mean, I've actually written a novella based on this called A Skipful of Pampas Grass about this whole phenomenon. Have you?

No. But that's what'll happen. They'll have to ditch it because you can't have a secret sign that's in the newspapers. No. Well, there were other signs, though. One is an upturned pineapple in a shopping trolley. I saw that and thought, that has to be nonsense.

Surely that's just that somebody wants the juice of the pineapple to run down so that when they then cut it, they get a nice juicy pineapple throughout. I don't think that works, does it? No, it does work. Somebody once gave me that tip. Before you cut your pineapple, turn it upside down onto its top. Spiky bit. On its spiky bit.

And then the juice runs to the top, so you get a fully juicy, rather than a dry half and a moist half. That's what your friend said. That's what my friend said. But it was in his shopping trolley. You don't believe him. He was wearing a cravat at a certain angle. trolley and he uh you don't believe it he was wearing a cravat at a certain angle it's yeah it's it's what it's hard scaly skin though which would i wouldn't and a sort of bad hairdo at the top pineapple essentially so it's not that much of an aphrodisiac but i think your

friend's lying i'm not being rude but i think he is funny the signs though when a pineapple upside down in a shopping trolley is an indication that you're a swinger, but a pineapple upside down kick in a shopping trolley, you're a fatty, aren't you? It's a fine line, isn't it? I'd rather be a fatty. Me too. I've never been impressed by the whole idea. What worries me about swingers, I think, aren't they dull people that think this makes us

excited? I agree. They're people who haven't quite judged what makes a human being interesting. The sort of people who, dare I say this, probably like We Will Rock You. That's what... If somebody goes past you in a We Will Rock You fleece, do you think they're a swinger? Well, I think it's a plus. I'd put that high above Pampersgrass. Yes, exactly.

And I think they frequent the humour section a lot. Oh, yeah, I think they probably do. I bet they've got 101 things to do with dead cats. And probably how to be a bitch. I bet they've got that. Oh, stolen white book. Frank, also ring on the thumb. A thumb ring?

That's a symbol of... That's a sign, which I sometimes wear. Yeah? And do you get... I should be cleaning up. Do you get approached by... No, I don't. ...doll people in queen T-shirts?

If swingers try and chat somebody up, do they do it in a pincer movement? Is it like a two-pronged attack? I mean, also, again, I don't want to get into details, but is the idea with swingers, and let's keep this clean, that say if you two are a couple and i arrived with say with the producer emma and she's my girlfriend and we do we stay in the same room or do we pair off and disappear i don't know cockerel i i don't know i was trying to trick

him it didn't work but one of the problems with it is this assumption that if you put this pampas grass on your balcony, that swingers aren't choosy. It sort of implies, like, anybody can knock on the door and they'll be attracted. I think that's the way it is. No, it isn't. That's the problem that they have with it. Oh, he knows.

Because I know some people that dabble. Do you? Oh, yeah, I know some right fruity people. Frank, I'm quite impressed. You know some swingers. He's got cock-on-nose swingers. I bet they're fierce. Fierce is another thing that people think this will make me interested.

Why don't they just read some nice books? Exactly, yeah, yeah. What are the swingers like? We're not going to talk too much about this. I didn't know you knew any. Don't bring it up and then run away. You invited us to this party, we're

going to hang around. The thing that would, the idea of it just makes me tense. Yeah. Because for a start off, if you went off to the separate rooms, what all you could do when you got back

would be to say how terribly to pick. Yeah, yeah. My girlfriend said, how was it? I don't care if it was the most life... Oh, bit of a disappointment, actually. You'd never be able to... And if we were together, all four, I can imagine her afterwards.

Two days later, I'm watching the cricket, she's reading the paper and she says, well, you're enjoying yourself. You know what I mean? There'd be no joy in it. It's not for you. There'd only be anxiety. No, definitely it's not for me. Also, as I said on the telly the other night,

I'm not... I like close but not touching when it comes to people, generally. I don't mean in the bedroom. I mean, I don't... I'm not a great mingler. Right. Well, you'd be no good at their parties, then. And I think swinging is mingling got completely out of control.

It is. It is. Swingling, I call it. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.