The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 7th March 12

Episode Date: March 6, 2012

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Higgity-huggity-huggity-huggity, higgity-higgity-hicks. Oh, it's time to open up my wonderful bag of tricks.

Ziggity-ziggity, wiggity-huggity, fliggity-flaggity-flay. Oh, I wonder what we'll find today. Hi, children. This is Frank Skinner on what we call Not The Weekend podcast through the intervention of Absolute Radio. And I'm with Holly Walsh and Emily Dean. One boy... Is this growing on you at all?

I just keep thinking if you reverse the lyrics to two boys, one little girl, it would be a lot creepier. But you see, they probably had a meeting about that and arrived at the right decision. I thought you said, Holly, you were going to do the whole show lying sort of flat on your back

and now you've... Okay, hold on, let me reposition myself. You've completely lost your nerve. It'll be a very uncomfortable line like that. No, you've said it and I'm doing it she's got a puffer on as well she has got a puffer on she's had one on all week I don't know what's the matter with her

I've got the chills they're multiplying how's your control I lost it oh Frank while we await the biscuits because we are waiting for the biscuits can we just put that out here Control? I lost it. Oh, blimey. Frank, while we await the biscuits, because we are waiting for the biscuits,

can we just put that out there? The biscuits aren't coming, let's face it. No, no. They are coming, you've just got to believe. They're not coming. You know when someone leaves and you say, will you bring the biscuits? And they say yes. And you know the yes, it's just like a nervous tick.

It's not an answer, because they haven't really heard the question. It's, yes! Then they've gone and you think there'll be no biscuits. Okay. If the biscuits come, I'll let you know. If we build it, they will come. That's what I was told. Well, yes. I think we've got more chance of the

ghosts of the Chicago White Sox turning up than... The ghost of a ghost of an ongoing baseball team. Yeah, we've got more chance of that than we have of the Biscuits turning up. Frank, alarming sight. I'm having a banana as a substitute for the non-arrival. No, but it's a bit of comedy.

Well, I'll tell you what else I was alarmed by, sighting-wise, this week. Are you familiar with the work of Zachary Furnish John? Zachary Furnish... Oh, that's the baby. The progeny of Elton and David. Does he qualify as progeny? Why don't they call him Furnish White?

Well, I call... What's that, sorry? Why don't they call him Furnish White? I didn't. No, why don't they? Oh, what do you mean? Well, isn't it his real name? Oh, Dwight, yeah, Furnished White.

Yeah, but that would sound like he was furnished white. Yeah. Dwight Furnished. I don't think there's... I thought you meant... Sounds like he's been... Furnished White. He's had an interior decorator in.

I thought you were trying to bring Dwight York into it. This is when paternity issue he's not involved in. Not yet. No. But he, did you see, he was at the Oscars party. Elton. Yeah, Zachary was. Zachary was at the party.

Well, I was at the one. Can I tell you guys, he was wearing What I Hate, which was a child in a navy blazer with a crest detail on the pocket. It made me feel sick. It's like... You sure that wasn't Elton without his wig on? No, but you know when children wear that? It's like, I call it dictator's child running amok in Harrods.

How old is... Isn't it a tiny baby? He's under one. Barely two. Oh, really? Barely two. Oh. But he was allowed to stay up in the navy blazer and the sort of side parting hair with a little bit of gel.

They're getting their money's worth out of him, aren't they? My goodness, it's like Rebecca Brooks and the horse. They're going to run him into the ground. He was being passed around like the port. Oh, no. He was being passed around the table. Poor Zachary. But I did think, well, it's quite late

and it's a bit louche, the environment, for a child of that age, really. Don't you think, the Oscars? But, you know, these are bohemian types. They don't worry about the normal mores of society, do they? No, but then I did also feel very jealous because I remember as a child that was the ultimate Holy Grail. What, the Oscars?

No, staying up. Yeah. No, that was just every, you know, that was just a calendar diary for us. But it was getting to stay up was always, that got me so excited. You'd say at school, did you get to stay up was always that got me so excited you'd say at school did you get to stay up yeah we stayed up my parents had this thing called grown-up time oh did and i don't like the sound of that you didn't know they're on radio show you didn't know you'd entered grown-up time until someone shouted at you it's grown-up time! And this would usually involve being put to bed.

Just a minute, just a minute. Here come the biscuits. Thanks for ruining my anecdote, Biscuit. Well, if I had to have a choice between anecdote and biscuit, I'm sorry. But forget it. It doesn't ruin your anecdote. Your parents had a thing called adult time.

No, the bitters have disappeared now. No, come on, don't sulk. I, I'm not, anyway, who else has got a great story? Come on, Holly. No, but I know you did, so it was grown-up time. So it was grown-up time. So what happened was they put us to bed at like... Did I change that to adult time accidentally?

No, it's not adult time. That sounds a bit like Richard Desmond Channel. I've never done an adult time. You need to stay in your room because we're having adult time. Oh, no. And then they also had adult time, didn't they? When they discussed their political opinions. I remember in the summer having to go to bed

and it still being light outside and I could hear the next door neighbour's children playing outside and thinking, this is not fair. Oh, no. But then it was grown-up time, and if you ever went downstairs during grown-up time, you would know about it. Yeah.

Were they the same age as you, though, the next-door neighbour's children? Oh, but maybe they weren't very neglected. Well, they went to the Oscars and the Golden Globes, so... Did they? We were never allowed. That was, um... I have to say, I had no concept of kids not having to go to bed early.

I just stayed up till like... I'd often be up till 11 o'clock midnight, went all through my childhood. Didn't you have a beddy-by's time? No. I went to bed when they went to bed. Oh, my God. Occasionally, I'd stay up and watch the end of The Outer Limits.

I remember how Keith stayed up and watched The Outer Limits. end of The Outer Limits. I remember our kids stayed up and watched the end. What is The Outer Limits? The Outer Limits was like a sort of horror-stroke mystery story type. It was a different story every week, but there was a famous one when a man's on an aeroplane and he looks out the window and there's another man standing on the wing. Is it like a Twilight Zone? Yes, that kind of thing. Wow, that sounds cool.

Yeah, and our kids stayed up to watch the end on his own. And our Terry, who was a bit older than our Keith. He was the owl keeper, our Terry. Yeah, he also had a fishing rod. And he got his fishing rod out of the upstairs window with a matchbox hanging on the hook and tapped on the window of the room where our Keith was watching the ghost story. And my dad heard moving about on the window of the room where Keith was watching the ghost story.

And my dad heard moving about on the landing and he went out and there was, strangely, our Terry with a fishing rod out the window and he suspected foul play. And he went downstairs and Keith was underneath the table crying. He was so terrified. How old was he? He'd been about 12. Terrified is completely apt in that.

Terrified, yeah. Absolutely perfect. No, I used to... My parents would let us watch Carry On Dick. That was one of our favourite... How often was that on? No, we watched Carry On Seasons because that was one of our favourite films, actually.

Carry On Seasons was a lovely one, wasn't it? It featured the four seasons in each section. We loved Carry On Films. But we didn't understand that they were funny. I imagine your mum was in Carry On Films, was she not? No, but I was allowed to stay up to watch some of my performances. If I was in something that was on late, I was given special dispensation.

Yeah, I have to say, in our house, that wasn't an issue. Our TV appearance is staying up late. It's not the big plus, you think, because I'd go to school and I'd say, God, that debate on late-night line-up got a bit tense. And the other kids just look at you. The other kids, I remember, I talked about closed down, because in those days, telly would end at like half eleven or something. It would just stop and they'd play the national anthem.

And I referred, and the other kids didn't know there was such a thing as closed down. They thought the telly just went through the night. I remember my parents used to go to dinner parties, you know, at other people's houses and we'd go to their house and they'd put us in the upstairs

bed and we'd sleep in the host's bed until the end of the dinner when they'd come upstairs in the upstairs bed and we'd sleep in the host's bed until the end of the dinner when they'd come upstairs. Like an insect colony. They'd scoop us up and they'd put us in the car and they'd take us home again. Quite often you didn't wake up

until the next morning so you'd be transported in the night. Oh, really? Oh, I loved falling asleep in the car and then your dad carries you in the duvet. Yeah, and it's all cold outside and you get slept in. I would have liked that if we had a car. Or a duvet.

Or indeed a duvet. Did you have blankies? You strike me as a blankie family. We had many blankets. We had a bike and a blanket. We had many, many blankets. Did you have duvets? I don't think duvets were invented until the 70s, were they? I had a duvet. I was in the 80s, though.

Yeah, exactly. Not really a great disprover of my initial point. No, no, no. If anything, I was trying to prove it. Yeah, well, you failed. No, it was just the tone of my voice didn't help, but the message was similar. I wasn't denying it. I'm not a duvet denier. Don't deny the duvet, because if you deny the duvet three times...

..and then you get to be told off by Jesus. He's on holiday at the moment. Jesus? No, the cockerel. Is the world a safe place? I didn't even know he had holidays. Frank, we've had some emails in. Lovely.

We have. Ben Jackson. I wondered what... Oh, no, it was Ben Johnson. And Simon Stanley have emailed in. Sorry, Ben Jackson. You smell like eel! Hey, I'm sorry, Ben Jackson.

That's what I did. All right, sorry. Shall I do it as well? No, I think one repeat. I said that once to Mike Jackson, who was the commander of the British Army, and he didn't laugh either. Yeah, but what's now happened to the...

What were you doing? The no-repeat guarantee has been dragged through the dust by Holly Walsh. Sorry, you were talking to General Mike Jackson. Yes. You said, General Mike Jackson. I did. You smell of eel. No, I didn't say that.

I just quoted the song, and he didn't laugh. He wouldn't know it, though, would he? I don't know. I took a risk. That's like a high court judge saying, who is this gasser? I know. Anyway, that's quite enough Jackson for one morning or evening. Are you eating that biscuit?

No. I love that I saw the eight-year-old Frank skinning her. This is regarding Welsh horse man. I'm surprised you recognise me with my gas mask. Carry on. This is regarding the World's Shortest Man. Oh, thank you. He's a friend

of the show, Holly. Good morning, Mr Skinner. Mr Cochran. Actually, it's Miss Walsh. And Miss Dean. I think it's probably Miss. Miss. Miss. You prefer Miss? Yes. I'm a's probably Miss. Miss. Miss. You prefer Miss? Yes. I'm a podcast listener and couldn't do without the oral honey you so delicately pour into my ears twice a week. I don't.

However, to business, I tweeted this to Miss Dean during the week. I'm not sure she saw this. And I thought best to email the show. Okay. I've always gone a bit passive aggressive with me. There is a new World's Shortest Man. And we've also had News Ben Jackson has also show. Okay. I've always gone a bit passive-aggressive with me. There is a new World's Shortest Man. And we've also had News Ben Jackson has also said.

Yes. We have a new World's Shortest Man. And I had contact mid-week from Ross Noble. You did? Yes. Who's another friend

of the show who said... He's also up for World's Shortest Man is that what you're telling me? What's that? How did he pull that one off? He's quite tall.

Well, Ross just said 76, he won't be WSM for long. Oh, is he 70? I think he's 72. But this is what I've got to say. You shrink when you get a bit older. So he might have been, you know, two or three inches taller, but then as he got older, he would have sort of shrunk down a bit. Can we just introduce him, please?

Yes. He is Chandra Bahadadangi, who obviously, I don't know how... Sorry, was that... Did somebody just drop a coin down the tin corrugated roof next door? It's Chandra Bahadadangi. There goes another one. Who ousted Kegendra Tapamaga,

who in turn ousted Junrei Bala Wing, who in turn ousted Heeping Ping. Oh, I thought Junrei Baluing was the current... Yes, you're right. Junrei Baluing. Oh, Frank, you're right. I'll say. Junrei Baluing was... He must have been got it. He became world's smallest man when he was 18. He must have think, I've got this for years. And then suddenly, out of nowhere...

Gendry had a dangy. Dangy, turns out. Dangy. Dangy turns up. Dangy. Dangy's five centimetres shorter. I'd take her open, hang me. Hang me from the house. Tree. I want you to be for me.

Doop, doop, doop. Do you know that song? No. OK. He was... Do you know, he lives in a remote kind of... It's Nepal he lives in. Well, in a way, we all do.

He lives in a way. He was visited by a timber merchant last month, and that's how he was discovered. He was measured? Yes, he was measured. I wonder how many hands. He's probably a hand. Yeah, he's probably not even a hand.

He's a knuckle. He's a bit near the knuckle. I would like to know whether the timber merchant said, excuse me, do you mind if I measure you? Or did he just casually stand behind him with a tape measure? Or just have a really good look at where his head came to on the wall? Because I saw a picture of the new, what's he called again? Chandra Bahadur Dangi.

I saw a picture of Chandra Bahadur Dangi. And he was standing next to his Guininness book of records uh frame certificate for world's shortest man and he was squatting in the picture and that's oh immediately my antennae i hope this has been properly verified this is not just somebody stupid a bit but the fact is that he's 72 i believe and he's only just been discovered as the world's shortest man. He's a bit of a Johnny-come-lately, if you ask me. I don't know how he crept under the wire. But this is my point.

He wasn't the world's smallest man, and then he just shrunk to become the world's smallest man. No, he was undiscovered. I'm not sure we can legally say that about him. I understand he's already very litigious. Oh, really? Oh, no, very little. Sorry, I can't read that about him. I understand he's already very litigious. Oh, really? Oh, no, very little. Sorry, I can't read my own handwriting.

Well, he wears a hat, and I don't like that hat. I think it's a bit louche. He wears like a pointy hat, doesn't he? Yeah. He's getting into the PR of the whole thing. General Ballouin, there was a purity to his work, whereas, yeah, I don't like this. Oh, I've got a hat.

Posing and squatting. You don't want a pointy hat either. No, exactly. Because you want to look as short as you possibly can. Get him a flat cap if he must wear a hat. Exactly. Or a mortarboard. Give people a line to draw along.

The trouble is, isn't it an inconvenience wearing a hat? Because every time you walk under a table, which I imagine he does on his constant quest for discarded chewing gum, the hat gets knocked off. Oh, dangy. You're playing it all wrong, my friend. He's no General Ballywain. He isn't.

Which was the Ping one? He Ping Ping. He Ping Ping was the last one. About 2007, I think you'll find. He was quite a little guy, I thought. Yeah. He had a sort of teenage vibe about him. He looked like a fun guy.

Yeah, exactly. I can't... He did a lot of low-fiving. Yeah. Whereas Chandrabadadadangi, he... Are you talking about Kigandra Tapamagra or Chandrabadadangi? I'm talking about Chandrabadadangi, obviously.

Isn't that what I said? It's best said in a Brummie accent, isn't it? I think it is. And although he lives in Nepal, apparently they asked him about Mount Everest, he'd never heard of it. Oh, had he? He's not interested in tall stuff. How can you

live in Nepal and not have heard of Mount Everest? Because no one mentioned it. They thought it's going to blow his tiny mind. Yeah, don't mention it. Imagine if you were that small and someone tried to explain something that huge to you. I mean, I get confused when people

try and explain, you know, Greg Davis to me. Yeah, he's quite tall. I'm not even that tall. Small. So you think he'd have... I wouldn't have wanted him to make a mountain out of a mountain. That would have been terrible. He looks, I don't know, the world's shortest man. As much as I have a deep affection for him, they never look well to me.

No. He's sort of socking in his cheeks as well on the picture I saw. He's trying to look thinner. He's already got vein. He's gone a bit fashion weak. Yeah, I hope he's not going to start dieting and stuff like that. That would be terrible. I lost eight grams with this diet. Also, he'll be running amok on that table as well.

Because you get the pick of the bunch, you see. You don't have to sit back restrained in a chair. He can just plonk himself on the table, on the dining table. There was a picture of, I don't know if it was Jun Ray, I remember we had a slight heated debate about it, Frank. It was a can of Coke. And I was arguing that he was the same height

as the can of bottled diet Coke. Well, I think it was one of those two litre bottles. Two litre bottle, possibly. He couldn't have been the same height as a can of Coke. No, that would mean you'd have to have a bath in a cup. That's Holly's hands. No, that would have been... Tiny hands.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got to go to a wedding next month, and I received the wedding list through the post. Well, you have to go to a wedding next month, and I received the wedding list. Oh, dear. Well, you have to go online. And... Cheek.

I have to go to a lot of weddings, so... You have to look it up. You have to look up what you've got to buy someone. No, but Holly, darling, you're lovely and young, so you're still on the first marriages. I love that time of the life. I am chock-a-block with first marriages. I've got all the second-time rounds now that what happens white trousers suit women in white trousers suit

is that what happens so now i'm going to go all the vasectomies the vasectomy showers yeah exactly they're they're they're a tough night out i'll take that um my the the gift lists are a bit more limited as well. I have to go to these weddings, and somebody I know is getting married that's my boyfriend's friend, so it's not someone I know directly. Is it someone you hate? Mm, I wouldn't go.

OK, no, OK. No. Good. It's not like a sort of your feelings about that astronomer. No. Good. It's not like a sort of your feelings about that astronomer. No. More. Don't even bring him up. So I went on the wedding list to see what I could get.

Yeah. You know, I had a sort of, in my head, a rough amount of money that I was willing to spend. Yeah. And I know there is only three things left. One of them is a huge stack of plates that's like 150 quid. So you've got to get in early. Yeah, know there is only three things left. One of them is a huge stack of plates that's like 150 quid. So you've got to get in early on it. Yeah, I know, I'm an idiot. The other thing is... Could you not break that down

to get it down to how much would an individual plate be? No, you can't do that. Yeah, they've already lumped it together. You see what happens with these wedding lists. You get the £50 frenzy, which is what I call it. Everyone wants to spend £50, so anything in that area just goes. And you can't get one teaspoon in an old side plate.

That's an awful present. Although they wouldn't know anymore, because it's all just you do it online and then it gets delivered. I like the old-fashioned... Is it the Greeks that pin money to the wedding dress? Yeah. Some are brilliant. If we must have capitalism...

As you know, I'm lately a Marxist. If we must have capitalism, as you know, I'm lately a Marxist. If we must have capitalism, let's obfronte. Pin the money to the actual dress. I think there's some are brilliant about that. I love it. And also... Even put it down the top of the bra area. Tuck it in the knickers.

That's a bit lap dance. Also, it's nice to see Charles Darwin exposed on the dress because that's a suggestion that the relationship is going to continue to evolve. You were saying? So, there's this plate. There's a really expensive sort of Le Crusoe stew dish. Oh, lovely. Very nice.

And then there's a plate. Le Crusoe stew dish. Doesn't he play for Liverpool? No, they're those lovely, lovely bright orange stews. Is that like a crockpot? A little bit, Frank, yeah. A slow cooker? No, not like a slow cooker. No, it's just a dish. Casserole, thank you, darling. Listen. How much would that

dish be? A hundred. Do we look at a hundred? A hundred quid for a dish. A ton, yeah. It's got to be only fools and horses. What these people need to do is... But I'll sell it to you for 45. I'm sorry. I know you're looking at a ton. But I mean, you know, you can cop your hands and reproduce the dish.

Enough of the vasectomy stuff. Okay, fair enough. And then the last thing on the list is a PlayStation. They've asked for a PlayStation. Get out of town. I suspect these are two people who've run out of conversation pre-marriage. Exactly. You shouldn't be buying people a PlayStation to set up their wedding.

How old are they? 15? No, they're my age. Oh, she said, all right. Do you know, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Holly. I want to kiss you right at this moment. I don't. I want to kick her.

And, um... My age. It was said with contempt. I'm not even that much younger than you. You're right. And then there was the PlayStation, which I feel is really... I really object to,

because you're supposed to buy people wedding list presents to sort of set themselves up in their life. And why should I buy them a home entertainment system? I mean, I wouldn't even buy myself that. Yeah. Why should you get more entertainment? Would you buy a lap dancer?

I think it's so greedy. No. But it does worry me that they are thinking, well, we're getting married, what on earth are we going to do in the evenings? At the moment, conversation should still be rabid.

Rabid? Yeah. on a good night um what as in frothy in the mouth i think well i think that uh what they need is one of those um you know you know what they give the people on um the only way is essex they give them a sort of uh a sort of crib sheet of possible topics to discuss yeah I think that's what should be given to these people you know that what should be on the fourth plinth the Bermuda Triangle favorite Doctor Who that kind of thing well so everybody in he's invited the wedding has to write an evening's discussion points wouldn't that be brilliant if you said I'm not going to go off the list I'm going to go a bit off piste I'm going to give you some things to talk about I think it'll help you out a a bit off piste, I'm going to give you some things to talk about,

I think it will help you out. It's not a whole bit where you just dip in and you can always have a conversation. Speaking of the fourth plinth, by the way, I don't know if you've been past, Rhys, the fourth plinth, in case you're outside London, it's in Trafalgar Square, and three of the plinths at the corners of the square

have got military figures from the Indian Wars, that kind of thing. I think there's a king out there. But then there's an empty one and they put different things. And currently there's a boy on a rocking horse. You seen it? And, you know, when I was a child, my great unfulfilled wish was to have a rocking horse. I really, really wanted one.

And I went past that one in Trafalgar Square and told this story. And the person said, well, you could afford one now. And I thought, you know, I could do that. I could have like a home cinema. I could have a life-sized rocking horse, wear a cowboy outfit and watch Westerns in there. Why not?

Why not? Why not? What's the point of show business if you're not going to do stuff like that? Yeah. If you and Kath ever get married, just make sure that's on your wedding list. Yeah. I'd like a full-sized, man-sized horse to ride on. I once was in, where was I? It was somewhere like Madrid or somewhere like that.

No, Seville. And I went looking for gifts and I saw a life-size horse made of Capi de Monte. What's Capi de Monte? It's like a china. And I thought... Oh, that's hard to transport. What would be the hardest thing to take onto a plane? It would be a life-size Capi de Monte horse.

So I didn't get it. a life-size Capi da Monte horse. So I didn't get it. I bet that'd be easier to get on a plane than 75 millilitres of... Or Shane McGowan. He's hard to get onto a plane. He's extremely hard. Isn't he playing?

It's not that he hates flying, it's other reasons. They hate him? Yes. Now, when I interviewed Shane McGowan, they wouldn't let him on one flight because they thought he was inebriated. No, they've worked out,

they've got a way round it. They put him in a wheelchair now. Do they? Mm. Excellent. He's had his teeth done as well, so he looks a lot more reputable. Yeah. He had the old card.

You never know he had any problems at all now. The Queen Mother's cardboard was put in there. I once got a tartan hammock for some Scottish gentry, and do you know, it went down very well. A tartan hammock? Yes. I didn't know what to get and I went off piste because I don't often like... What, at the end of the wedding?

I told you about that. That was the best man. I didn't want anyone to know that. A tartan hammock? That's lovely. I thought it was lovely and actually I don't like wedding lists because I just think it's so impersonal as we've said with the side plate and the teaspoon. You're not going to remember that every time you have a boiled egg you'll think what people have often now is you just put money into a pool and then they go on holiday with it

is that right yeah but what you know it's supposed to be that you set up your your life but i i think it sort of says we don't trust the taste of our, so we'll just tell them what to buy us. Like, the first people to invent the wedding list must have been really selfish people. Just to go, everyone's like, oh, what do you want for your wedding? And they're like, listen, just look at the list. I'll just publish a list. You can pick off that.

It is, it's a very odd idea. I've just made up my mind I'm never going to buy another wedding present as long as I live on the strength of this. People, I think if people already live together, they don't need a list. They've built a life of their own. If they want to live over the brush, then I don't see why they should get gifts

as a reward for their essential immorality. What do you mean, over the brush? You know, if you're not married. It's one of my favourite Frank expressions. Hey, you know, over the brush? You know, if you're not married. Is that an expression? It's one of my favourite fake expressions. Hey, you know something about second marriages? Do you begrudge the fact that you've already bought them a present the first time round? Hell yeah. And then suddenly you have to buy them another present.

Yeah, they get nothing. Nothing. Second time around, you get nothing. The strange thing, second marriages. One of these things, I don't feel that they're wrong in any way, to have a second marriage. But if ever I read, like, Davy Jones died from the monkeys, and it says, you know, he had two children by his first wife, and I thought, oh, I'm going off him.

My thanks! Because I just thought, you know, he's a bit of a fly-by-night with his more-than-one-wife attitude. Yeah. Oh, dear. Yes. Now, you were boasting, yes, I'll say it, Yeah. Oh, dear. Yes. Now, you were boasting, yes, I'll say it, boasting on the last show about fraternising with Richard Osman.

Yes. The well-known celebrity. Well, not fraternising. No, you were actually too scared to go up to him. You're not the only one. I was hanging with Rihanna last week. Your Welsh friend. Is it gone? Rihanna last week your Welsh friend Rihanna the Rihanna Holly

the Rihanna she was on Jonathan's show Jonathan Ross no Jonathan Dimbleby election special what's she talking about the Leveson inquiry in just pants and a bra, obviously.

She was on Jonathan Marshall and I took my niece, Mimi, because she's a massive fan. How old is Mimi? She's ten. I hope Rihanna was decent. Did you nip in and say, I'm bringing my niece,

she's ten, cover up, love, for a change. Isn't that weird, though? Because a ten-year-old, I would worry if a ten-year-old was looking at Rihanna. Oh, they love her. Yeah, but she's pretty...

That's her demographic. She's pretty for long. She's one, she, as I discovered during the live performance. What did she wear for the meeting? She had a little... Well, it wasn't in a boardroom or anything. A rah-rah skirt. A little rah-rah skirt.

And she was covered by... Thank God. She had a polo neck. Bam-ba-da-bam-ba-dang, he wasn't there. A rah-rah skirt. A rah-rah skirt and a polo neck. He'd have cricked his neck if he'd have been there. He'd have cricked his neck if he'd have been there. He'd have fell over that two litre bottle of coke he carries around with him for photo opportunities. She's a

fine looking woman, I have to say. Was she nice? She really is. She was lovely. Well, when I said to Mimi, look, we've got this very exciting news, we're going to meet Rihanna, first thing she said to me, can I bring a friend? Now, can I be honest? I love my niece dearly, but I don't say that. So if you ask me out to something, to the theatre, I don't say, can I bring a friend? And then I quite respected her for it, because it was quite honest. There was a level of honesty I respected.

I'm not enough, Frank. I'm not sufficient company. Oh, I don't think it means that, does it? I think it means she's been given a huge opportunity and as a kind child, she thought I could share this. Oh, really? See, I was thinking that the friend is coming as a sort of adjudicator. A wingman.

To offer proof in the schoolyard when she says, I met Rihanna. Yes. Ask Kirsten if you don't believe me. That's how I think it's going to go. Well, she needed it, Frank, because already they were all texting her saying, I don't believe you've met her. There you go. I said, send that picture through go. They saw the picture.

I said, send that picture through now. She sent the picture. They said, it looks like a cardboard cutout. Oh, no. Was it the Queen Mother's teeth? I said, you tell those children to ring me. Here's my number. A cardboard cutout.

That's the 3D generation. Yeah. That's what they thought. But she was really charming, Frank. But what was... Was she really? Yeah, she was lovely. She came down. She said hello. Well she was really charming, Frank. But what was... Was she really? Yeah, she was lovely. She came down, she said hello. When I say she said hello,

what she said was, give me five, boom, boom. And there was all this hand action, and I was glad. I would have just said, hello, nice to meet you. Did Mimi know what was happening? Mimi knew totally what to do.

She boom-boomed her bath, and she piped and tent her, and all sorts was going on. You do sound like my mother trying to describe anything youthful. And then she gave her a five and then there was a ten involved. I'd have been so embarrassed. And somebody got a Tamagotchi out.

There was fists bumping everywhere. I was glad I didn't get involved. Oh, I'd have made a terrible fool of myself. You would have gone in with a stern curtsy. You know that Lenny Henry orky? I'd have probably done one of those. It would have been an awkward atmosphere. I then, Mimi said, obviously, she wanted... Oh, those. It would have been an awkward atmosphere. I then, Mimi said, obviously, she wanted...

Oh, no. Would have been awful. You're David Bellamy impression in a minute. Mimi then wanted a photo taken, obviously, so I leapt in, forgetting that I've got the most smashed-up iPhone in the world. Oh, yes. And as I went to take the picture, I saw Rhianna smiling, and then she looked at all the smashed up part of my iPhone,

and I felt she was disappointed. I felt she thought I was a bit same-tights, two days running type of girl. Oh, dear. Her face fell. I could see it, Frank. I'm sorry. Because she'd noticed something that for once wasn't perfect. Exactly. Do you think that's what it was?

Prior to that, she thought I was, obviously. So I said, what are you talking about, Willis? And again, she just looked blankly. So glad you weren't there. If I tried to be down with the kids, it would have been. So did she get a souvenir other than a photo? She got a photo. Then afterwards, well, initially I'd said, she said, I need to go to the toilet, E, she calls me.

I said, you can either meet Rihanna or go to the toilet. Life's about choices. What do you want to do? She went, I can't decide! Really? Toilet versus Rihanna. That'd be a great game, wouldn't it? So, you're saying she allows herself to urinate in front of a superstar? Or we in front of her. But no, so then... Could this replace

Truth or Dare? Toilet or Rihanna? Okay, well... Then she performed, and then Rihanna came down offstage. She said, hey, it's my little rock star. She went running. She took my niece away with her. They went off to the green room.

I was surplus to requirements. And your niece is now touring as a support act. She was at the Oscars, you know. Her and Zachary danced the night away. Oh, this is what it would have been like with me and Richard Austin when he finally had the nerve. High five, bum bum. Yeah, exactly.

And him in a little rah-rah skirt. And you wondering whether you should have actually gone to the loo. Toilet or Osman? It's a tough one. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. It's a tough one.