The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 8th Feb 2012

Episode Date: February 7, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Holly Walsh and Alun Cochrane. It the Cockerels Birthday and they discuss Frank's swimming lessons, food firsts and they catch up with listeners emails

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! Skimmer!

Happy birthday! happy birthday. Thank you very much. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Altered images there with... In fact, severely altered images. Sorry, it's the cockerel's birthday today, so we're all beside ourselves. Birth. I say birthday!

Holly Walsh has made me self-conscious. Get off! Happy birthday? This is my impression of Frank Skinner. Yeah. Happy birthday? You're very quiet with my headphones. It's better than Alistair McGowan's.

Is it? Which is just a West Midlands accent, as far as I can see. Not that he isn't a fine impressionist, etc. Is flattery, is impressionism the finest form of flattery? Um, no. No? Yeah, I just had to, I hadn't completely made my mind up, but no, I've come down on an absolute definite, it isn't.

So this is not the weekend podcast um i am frank skinner hello mr radio i'm with alan cochran and also holly walsh um it's not the best jingle but you know what was that it's a jingle what's the difference between a jingle and a sound effect? It was a... Well, I don't know. I think if you play it in the context of a jingle,

it becomes a jingle. If I played one... You know those old horror tapes you used to be able to get of people having their legs sawn off and stuff like that? They always use cabbage, by the way. Do they? Yeah, always. Cabbage is an absolute mainstay of the audio horror drama.

Is it? I don't know what it is. It's just got a nice sinewy, crunchy feel to it. Oh, what, when they're chopping it or ripping it? Yeah, like, you know, see if someone's having their legs sawn off. A cabbage just is perfect. I'm not saying it sounds like a leg being sawn off, but it sounds like we think a leg being sawn off. It sounds like the horror we want to hear at that point. Oh, that's interesting. Every day's a school day here, isn't it?

I'll say. So speaking of school days, I've been having my swimming lessons. Oh, how are they going? Well, I'm down to one float. Where is that float? It's ahead of me, but you could easily get my fingerprints off it afterwards i'm

holding it so tight really so is it arms extended arms extended i started off with three floats they call it those long thin floats they call noodles all right yeah so i had two um extended noodles under my arms and a knotted noodle pretzel style at the front of me oh okay that's how i started but um lo and behold lesson three i was um two noodles down one to go so it's i like that i haven't really used floats since school and then they were different they were they were like white yeah when i came out with two from the dressing rooms, it looked like a West Midlands Moses arriving. They were that kind of tablet.

Like tablets. Yeah. But now the noodles are a whole new thing. But I love it. It reminds me of my drinking days in many ways. When I was drunk, I was more confident. Everything seemed easier. I felt I couldn't go down no matter what.

And the floats have reminded me of that. Brought that back. Yeah, that buoyancy. A whiskey float, that sounds like a drink anyway. Yeah, exactly. It probably is, isn't it? There must be, there's certainly a Coke float. Coke float's a bit of ice cream in the top, isn't it?

I had a hot toddy last night. Right. What? Now, that used to be a glass of whiskey that people put a red-hot poker in to make it hot. Is it? Yeah. Is that in the olden days? In the olden days.

When glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking. That's how we did all our hot drinks, with a red-hot poker. So are you doing like what David Walliams did and sort of greasing yourself up in goose fat before you get in the pool and all that kind of for a width of a heated swimming pool the pool that i'm in is 1.2 meters all all across how tall are you i'm taller i'm definitely taller than that it just about comes up to my yeah 1.2 meters i suppose he is about getting on for four feet. So your legs, you're talking waist height? Perhaps a little above the waist. I'm hoping so for the camera shots,

because my waist is getting... I've gone a bit crazy just lately on confectionery. You've had a birthday, though, haven't you? I had a birthday. But you're burning off in the pool. But also in gigs this week, I've been eating sweet things in the interval. I've gone into...

I've had a few Starbucks, Starbucks coins. Right. I've had some big coins. Cheap energy in the interval, isn't it? Once you start on the... Empty calories. Empty calories. 50 pence for a Bitcoin in Starbucks.

Right. I don't know if that's the price. Is that the price or the exchange rate? That's inflation, yeah. The whole economy. Do you think anyone's ever sent them into those gold collectors? I really hope so. And fooled them completely. We used to have to collect them and bottle tops for the blind.

Yeah. To buy dogs. Is that the currency of dogs? I think that's how you used to buy dogs for the blindies With their bottle tops I saw somebody having a conversation with a blind man the other day Who had a guide dog And the bloke was going

Oh the dog's lovely I wish my dog behaved as well as this And I was thinking Well it's not really your dog's job is it Your dog just is like a dog Who just runs about and does dog stuff This dog's got duties It's a ridiculous thing to say If I was the blind man I'd have been so outraged Just to make him awkward is like a dog who just runs about and does dog stuff. Exactly. This dog's got duties.

It's a ridiculous thing to say. If I was the blind man, I'd have been so outraged. Just to make him awkward, I would have said, what is a dog? And really put him on the spot. But obviously he didn't have my natural sense of malice. So it's going... I have to say, in the same topic area as the confectionery, I'm not swimming topless.

I'm wearing what they call a rash vest. Nipple tassels. Rash vest. I would happily wear nipple tassels if they floated. Any help? Have you got that boob tube on that's in the picture from a few weeks ago? No, the... Haters.

What was it? A little haters. Haters T-shirt. No, I'm wearing a black rash vest, which is the sort of thing that surfers wear. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought they were for sunburn. Well, they are mainly for sunburn, but sunburn and deep shame as well. People can't see your crimson chest shame.

Yeah, just because I have my body now, it disgusts me, to be honest. And I realised that one of the things about learning to swim, people just think, oh, you know, it's a bit frightened of the water and, you know, he doesn't know the technique. But one of the things is that non-swimmers tend not to walk around in just a little pair of pants in public anymore. Oh, of course, yeah. So the vest has changed my life.

So maybe part of the process would be for you to just put on a pair of trunks and walk about the house and get used to it. Yeah, but in the house it's different. At the house I walk around the house yeah get used to it yeah but in the house it's different the house i walk around the house completely naked on a regular basis good to hear it you've got quite a glass house though yeah i know i'm not i don't throw stones i just walk around like don't throw the stars certainly don't shed any stones it's made me think though the rash vest that maybe you know the whole it's opened up the world of corset-earing to me. I want to get some spanks.

Is it corset-earing or corseting? I hope it's corset-earing. The art of the corset-eer. I would have thought it's the person who makes corset-earing. The three corseteers. Exactly. Sounds like a niche market. Yeah, true.

No, but you do think, you know, I do look a bit better in this vest. Maybe it's time to get some support. When you do the filming, will you wear the rash vest? We're filming now. Oh, right. Oh, you film as you learn. Yeah, because they want me.

They want me frightened. So for the big length, are you going to wear it? I'm going to wear a kayak for the length. No, I'm hoping to stick with it. It's got the logo on, which is my justification. Oh, the sport relief thing. Otherwise you'd have to shave and all that. Yeah, I'm not planning.

I thought I'd just veet. If I bathed in veet the night before. You're looking at me with some confusion. You're not familiar with veet. I know about veet. We all know about veet. Yeah. I bought an epilator the other day. You're looking at me with some confusion. You're not familiar with Veet. I know about Veet. We all know about Veet. I bought an epilator the other day. That is awful. You bought an epilator?

Isn't that some fringy things that military people have on their shoulders? What is that? Epilator. No, an epilator is one of those sort of mechanical giant tweezer things that sort of rip your hair out. It is absolute agony.

Oh, I don't know what... Why would you do that? I've got some hair clippers for my head, but I don't know. So you've been plucking your ears? No, you use them, it's like a razor, but it sort of tears the hair out. It's absolute agony. But which hair are we talking about? Leg, armpit, chest, whatever. Oh, OK, all those.

Periphery. Yeah. I'm just saying, if you wanted to do your arms or anything... For fucking your peripheries. I'm not planning to swim that fast. I'm not thinking human torpedoes. It just might make you a bit more aerodynamic. Length of a pool.

I'm seeing myself... It's like a triathlon, isn't it? You know when a dog swims and they've got that distressed face craned out of the water? Yeah. That's what I'm aiming at. Yeah. Do you know what style you'll be doing it in?

Is it going to be doggy style? It's paddle. It's doggy paddle. That's funny, though. Well, I asked them what style it would be, and they said, well, let's see, shall we? Survival. I think they're hoping it'll evolve rather than they'll put one on me. Are you a breast man? I don't quite...

The breaststroke is sort of... Is it like a frog? It's the frog one, isn't it? Yeah. And then there's the front crawl is the one traditional swimming style. Front crawl is good. Even I, and I can swim a bit but I'm not good.

But I have to concentrate on front crawl breathing because there was a while fairly recently where I decided to try to learn how to do the breathing. You know, the proper ones breathe every three strokes, so it's alternate. You're not looking in the same direction every time you breathe. Oh, I see, yeah. So I tried to teach myself that,

but it's very easy to miss time and be breathing in whilst facing down that's bad isn't it that is bad i mean i'm new to it but that sounds bad yeah yeah you well you've rumbled that very quickly well yeah one of the first thing you need to know is don't inhale water yeah that's like a first step of is that like not breathing in when you go past the cemetery. It's got a lot of rules. Also, really for the first time in my life, I'm getting quite a lot of water in my ears. Which is a fairly new experience.

Where are these headphones? Could I swim in headphones? Would that be alright? If they're tucked in, it's even better. It's even safer. That's true, actually. I'm in quite a lot. If I carry on at this rate, then come week five,

there'll be no water left in the pool. It's become a very, very subtle form of shoplifting. Like I would have taken the whole pool home with me in my ears. I did that to a beach a few years ago. Did you? Yeah. I wish you wouldn't talk about your female friends like that. So anyway, it's frightening

but, you know, it's also I get up every morning and go to the swimming pool. Great. Good shape for the day. Yeah, and it's nice hanging out and someone else washes my kit. Someone does your smalls for you?

Yeah. Really? You've got staff for that? You don't just give them a sort of squeeze and pop them on the radiator overnight? Yeah, I have one of those really cool little tumble dryer things that they have in Swiss ones. I love the spinny thing. Yeah, they don't have one of those. Absolutely love it. That's one of the few times in my life that I use centrifugal force.

When you press the lid down and it goes... Love it. Do you know what two things would make my domestic life better? An air blade... This is going to be broadcastable, isn't it? Yeah. I was going to suggest Little and Large. They would make my domestic life better

if they just hung around in the kitchen generally. Probably free. Rustling up food. Actually, they don't get on anymore, do they? They're just doing deputy dog impressions and playing very mundane guitar chords. Is it them at the restaurant? No, what two things? Sorry, Holly.

An Airblade. Oh, they're great. And I'd love one of those centrifugal, fugal... Oh, yeah. They are really good. The spinny dryer things. Yeah. Because you have wet swimming costume

You do You will And four seconds later you've got a dry swimming costume And what about towel? Are you using a chamois towel or a normal towel? Because the proper swimmers are into chamois towels Did you do all that? No, I've got two female researchers with hair dryers

You just stand there Exactly I just stand like the researchers with hair dryers. You just stand there. Exactly. I just stand like the Messiah. A stripe. And they dry me off. Like the start of the programme. What was that programme that used to begin with a picture of the Messiah?

What was it? Was it the South Bank show? Am I thinking of the South Bank? That's not the Messiah. That's the, what's he called? The thingy man at the Leonardo. What's he called? That's right. The Renaissance man. No, no. It's called, the thingy man at the Leonardo. What's he called? That's right. Relaisance man.

No, no. It's something like the centrifugal man. Is it? Yeah. Yeah, it probably is. You stand like that. You're not allowed to Google it. No, you can't Google it.

You have to remember. Yeah, it's making the point that you can measure something like your arm span is the same as your height. Is that what you mean? Sarah, the researcher on the show. Sarah, the poisoner. She's written Vesuvian Man. Vesuvian? No, it's not Vesuvian.

You're right, it's... Vitruvian. Vitruvian Man, yeah. Vitruvian, but it was a very good... Thanks for passing me the wrong notes. That was very close, though. That was how Nazi Germany started. The wrong note was handed over.

Next thing you know, he's in power. Anyway, that's swimming. I'll keep you posting on it, but at the moment, I haven't drowned. Because I've got a little tip that my uncle told me when I was a child. When you get out of the water, and you know you're chilly in the changing rooms,

if you dry your hair first, it sends messages to the rest of your body that it's warmer that's why you wear a hat fortunately there's been a bit of a feud and my hair isn't talking to the rest of my body at the moment i don't know what's going on well i'm just passing on what i know yeah that will no that's it that's knowing. But did he shower after, though? Shower after what? After the swim. Yeah, after you're out, and when you're shivering in the changing rooms and you need to get dried,

at the point at which you're getting dried, start with your head. That's my... Generally, not just swimming, though. It's a general point. It makes you feel warmer. Who's teaching you? My uncle.

My uncle's teaching Frank. We've got the hair thing going, but far from that. Now, when I'm being... It's a joint teaching thing. It's a very famous British swimmer called Karen Pickering who won gold medals and had two world records at one point and all that. And all that.

Talk about reducing someone's career. No, no, she was an absolute swimming superstar. Was she like the Duncan Goodyear of female swimming? Yeah, yeah. How does Duncan Goodyear stop from trembling when he comes out? His hair's definitely not talking to us, his body. No, no, his hair. Well, I think there was a separation.

You know, the reason he's bald is... A party. ..he fell out of a tree and got alopecia. Yeah, I heard that. Fact. At least I hope it is, now that I've said it on the podcast. Yeah, I've always hated the idea of... Just the thought of pubic hair amidst the windfall fruit

is an image that's always shaken me to the very core. Isn't that one of your folk songs? It's a line from one of my folk songs. It's not actually the title. Yeah, so it's exciting. I can't remember what you said. You just made a point. Who's teaching you?

Oh, yeah, Karen Pickering and another person. My uncle. Who is a regular teacher. Oh. Who's not a famous swimmer, but it's hard for famous swimmers to teach people to swim. Yeah. Because I think they... Karen said she's more, genuinely more at home in the water than she is on land.

Yeah. So she's sort of like a... She's amphibian. Amphibian. Yeah, she is. She is amphibian. I've detected a slight webbing. No, she is.

She's lived in the water for, you know, international for 20 years. I mean, imagine it. She exudes chlorine in the nicest possible way. Yeah, so I've got a proper teacher who teaches all the time, and then Karen sort of overlooks. Great. But it's all been filmed, even all my humiliating bits when I get a bit... They don't do close-ups of those, do they?

Yeah, they do. Your humiliating bits. My humiliating bits are... But that should be covered up by the vest, right? The rush vest is a crop top did i mention that absolute radio with frank skinner what else i tried a prawn cocktail crisp for the first time last week no way yes well i think oh can we get champagne what What did you think? I thought it was really nice.

You liked it? Yeah. Has it got real prawns in it? I never thought you'd be changed by show business, but it turns out you are living the high life. Has it got real cocktail in it? I want to know. I just hadn't ever got around to eating one.

Not avoidance or anything like that. I had a skip in the past, but never a prawn cocktail flavoured crisp. Let's stick to food. Never mind that you got home. I had a what's it? I had... Was it a cheese? No. I, um... I, coincidentally, I had a food first this week, and quite a well-known food first,

that you'd think I would have had by now. I had a Welsh rabbit. Rare bit. Yeah, Welsh rare bit. It's basically cheese on toast, though, isn't it? Well, it's... That's what I thought, but when you have it, you realise that cheese on toast, generally speaking, is just an undercoat.

Because it has sort of mustard and various... Has it got Liam Perrins on it? It tastes like it might have, but someone told me it was some sort of French mustard that gives it that flavour. I have to say, it was cracking. Really? Absolutely cracking.

You're going to be the new face of Welsh rarebit. Yeah, do you think people will send me free... Do you call it rarebit, or do you call it Welsh rabbit? Rarebit. I don't. I don't call it... You call it cheese on toast. I've had about five opportunities to say it in my life and I've not picked a team yet as to what...

I thought it was called rabbit, you see, even though it's spelt rarebit. Yeah. Oh. Anyway. I honestly thought it was just cheese on toast and for some reason it was called... With mustard.

Now there's a little bit of... a little bit of Susan on my mind. I'll tell you what's gone out of fashion. Toasties. As in, not paninis, toasties. Not in our house. What, you're a toasty fan? You've still got a breadwinner. No, I've got a George.

Oh, have you? George Foreman. That's for meat, isn't it? That's a meat grill. No, you can do all sorts of things. It's called the lean green grilling machine. Why is it green? Why is it green? It's because you can do all sorts of things. It's called the lean green grilling machine. Why is it green? Why is it green?

It's because you can do greens on it, vegetables. I guess lean blue, lean orange. There's the lean blue grilling machine for Gorgonzola. Nice. No, I often have a cheese toast. It's one of my favourite things. Your go-to foods? Yeah, it is.

It's hot, though. You've got to be careful for burning your mouth with a cheese toaster. No, I've got all the timings right on the George Foreman. Have you? Yeah, it's lovely as well, because if the cheese, sometimes it melts, but I don't know if you know, with the George Foreman, you get a little trough that you can put at the front of the thing, so everything just goes straight into there.

So sometimes I'll eat melted cheese straight from the Foreman trough. Oh scoop it up you know do you remember foreman trough it was a big big officer in luffa seed freak von foreman trough our cat used to eat uh your cat why bring that up because it used to eat straight out the the trough. What trough? The Foreman trough. The Foreman trough. How many other troughs were we talking about today? Well, I don't know. You might have had a trough. Or you had a Foreman.

You might have. You've had a Foreman grill. Instead of a water dish. My flatmate, a previous flatmate, had a... Had a... George Foreman grill. George Foreman grill. And the trough was left out on regular occasion,

and the cat would just help itself. But often that would be facts. If they were doing meat in it, that would just be... Yeah, yeah, I don't think it cared that much. It wasn't picky. I have to say, I could not be happier than I am during a food conversation. I love talking about food.

I love eating it, but I really like talking about it. What foods were you late to the party with? I, er, actually, I'm only just recently starting to eat smoked salmon. And that's partly because I eat a lot of breakfasts on the road. I mean, I'm in hotels and stuff. So this week I ate smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on toast. But I don't really like the texture of smoked salmon. It's too close to eating flesh.

It feels a bit human fleshy. See, I'm all right with that. Not in a good way. Cannibalism, not erotica. It worries me. I don't like it. Just before I eat... Went for lots of lemon juice on it.

Just before I eat salmon, I'd like someone to saw through a cabbage. Yeah. Give it that extra horrific edge. That would have put me off it, I think. Can I ask, this is a technical question, I don't know the answer to. What is the difference between smoked salmon and gravelaxe? Gravelaxe is fish eggs, isn't it?

Yeah. I don't know what the difference between caviar and gravelaxe is. Oh, well, that, we're down to potato. Caviar, doesn't it have to come from a certain... Oh, maybe. That's the caviar. Yeah, exactly. It's always a caviar doesn't it have to come from a certain oh maybe that's the caveat yeah exactly it has to um it has to come from it well there's certain fish beluga is that one of them that's a maker fish that's a maker fish yeah yeah it's a model everything's like a cat yeah no i am i had as a make-up cat. Yeah. No, I had... I remember my first avocado.

I was in... There's a comedian you may know called Charmian Hughes. Yes. And she had a converted ambulance she used to drive around in. We were in Glastonbury. And I went to visit her

in her converted ambulance. And we sat outside. It was a lovely day. And she said, would you like an avocado? Well, I slapped her face. She can imagine. And I never didn't know outside it was a lovely day and she said would you like an avocado well i slapped her face she can imagine and i'd never didn't know what it was and she got it out and cut it in half and there's that lovely moment when when you pull the um the stone out it leaves a perfect indentation where the stone was so you could use half of that avocado as a fabulous sort of easter bonnet for action man you could how old were you at this

point i know i was seven i was in my 30s yeah and she put a bit of um balsamic on it something else i'd never seen or wow tasting and i have to say it was it was absolutely splendid and we sat there at glastonbury i like the way most people go to Glastonbury to have their first drug experience. I was tripping for two hours after that avocado. That's my life. I still remember getting into Brie. I remember, I was probably mid-twenties, late twenties before Brie really worked for me.

Just cheese that was runny. Just didn't get it. What about Dairy Lee? Different, innit? I ate plenty of Dairy Lee. Oh, my God. I lived in a council estate. I ate just Dairy Lee for several years.

Brie's got that clammy thing on the outside that you don't get with your Dairy Lees, with that clammy skin. It's like eating cream cheese out of a chamois glove. Is that a chamois leather? Yeah. Now I'm on the Dairy Lee. Is it really a chamois leather? Well, surely the French don't say chamois. They must say chamois leather? Yeah. Now I'm on the dairy. Is it really a chamois leather? Well, surely the French don't say chamois.

They must say chamois. Yeah, but whenever my dad cleans the car or something, it's definitely the chamois leather. Really? No one calls it a chamois leather. I clean my car with Welsh rabbits in a chamois. No, I'm sure. A chamois leather.

I'm sure that chamois would be correct. I mean, people did call them chamois. No, I'm sure... A chamois. I'm sure that chamois would be correct. I mean, people did call them chamois. That's true. Chamois Davis Jr., for example. He was a local window cleaner at our place. I wonder what Sammy Davis Sr. was like. I imagine he was trouble. Older?

Yeah, almost certainly. That's a given. But I would say not much older. Do you think you'll go for a junior with your kid? English people don't really do it, do they? The second? I might go for the second. That would be brilliant.

Frank Skinner the second. Of course. I think you should call it iPhones. The Frank Skinner 2G. Second generation. Let's keep it technical. I'll tell you what I've never eaten. A bird's-eye potato waffle.

Shut up. And I'll tell you something, I question their versatility as an outsider. You've never eaten one? No. You've eaten a waffle, though, right? I've eaten, like, you know, those sweet-type waffles that you get sometimes. You've never eaten a potato waffle? I've never eaten a bird though, right? I've eaten those sweet type waffles that you get sometimes. You've never eaten a potato and waffle? I've never eaten a bird's eye potato and waffle.

I honestly think one of the joys of parenthood is that foods that have sort of slipped off your radar are coming back into your life. Like rosks. Rosks? Rosks, I remember. Breast milk. I can't even remember.

I don't even remember breast milk the first time around. I used to make it into white Russians. We'd sort of stopped with... Did you say I only drink breast milk from white Russians? You racist. You've got to have a rule. No, but rusks I remember being really nice. Yeah, I think you might be slightly misremembering, though.

When you taste them now, you'll sort of go, oh, yeah. But I'd stopped eating fish fingers and malt loaf, all that sort of thing. Oh, malt loaf. Nice. I love malt loaf. They came back on the radar with parenthood. Brilliant. What, children eat malt loaf? Yeah, my son eats malt loaf as a little snack.

Not when they're first born. You need to read up about this. Don't present it with a serene loaf when it pops out. I won't bring any to the labour. The beginning of the weaning. As long as it's thinly sliced. Surely that'll be fine. Oh, isn't it?

Learning to swim and learning to be a parent at the same time. Brilliant. You know, if the swimming thing goes well, you could even get a water birth. Because you'd feel quite confident. And you'd have all the kit, the rash vest. It's a possibility. You know Frank himself isn't pregnant, though, rash vest Frank himself isn't pregnant it's not him

Frank himself? I thought he was a Mary Shelley book we laughed the Guardian have we heard from the outside world? we have and this seems a good juncture to take the time to thank everybody in the outside world

who sent in their congratulations to you on your... Yes, that was really lovely. You were inundated. We really were inundated, I think. That's brilliant, isn't it? And on that point, there was... I mean, many people just sent congratulations. No other words, just congratulations

I think there was one or two you disgust me From your girlfriend Yeah That was before I got the rash vest That was from someone on the swimming team. We did have an email that says you wouldn't know it but you also

had a significant involvement in my pregnancy and that. Hold on, hold on I've told her never to contact me at work that says, you wouldn't know it, but you also had a significant involvement in my pregnancy. Hold on, hold on. I've told her never to contact me at work. Brilliantly, she finishes that sentence with a dot, dot, dot. And then she's hit the space bar at least once, the return. Sounds like I did. Last year I fell pregnant, and being an avid fan of the show,

when it came to pick something that makes me happy to listen to during early labour I downloaded 50 episodes in readiness, expecting quite a long labour then. Oh lovely, that'll take you straight into new labour. As the time approached I was informed that the baby was not quite in the right position and to do exercises to encourage

movement. I'd also read that playing music near the exit zone... Oh, goodness. That's one way of putting it. I mean, I don't think she's a proper doctor. Also, a beckoning finger can work as well, apparently. Come on!

Come out, you... Like hostage. Come by. Like a hostage situation. A man with a megaphone. Bit of jazz whistling. Jazz whistling was one of the names of Holly's pets, I think. Indeed. Playing music near the exit zone could encourage the baby to reposition. So every evening I strategically place my iPhone.

Sure enough, during your discussion... When you say strategically place your iPhone... Let's leave it there. During your discussion of demonic symbolism... I don't want to hear the word wedged come up at all in this conversation. I think she went loudspeaker. Let's just all assume she went loudspeaker and rested it on her. But bear in mind, this is a special, beautiful moment.

It is. During my discussion of what? Satanism? During your discussion of demonic symbolism in Simon Cowell's Red or Black, a big upheaval occurred and we were good to go. Brilliant. Wow, that started a lot off, didn't it, that discussion? It's like Rosemary's Baby. To cut a long story short, the podcast didn't quite

get an airing when needed. In fact, the whole event was like some Mother's Do Haven versus Casualty, with my husband shouting, I've left the TV credit on the ward while we got raised to the delivery suite. Sorry, it didn't work. I've left the TV. I think maybe they had to buy TV credit because they're sat there and then suddenly...

Oh, I think, I thought you meant, like, you know, some... Best grip. Now we all listen to them together in the nursery. More like assistant producer. You listen to them in the nursery? She says, now we all listen to them together in the nursery. I'm not saying all this airtime has influenced holly i just assume that means the daughter yeah but she does seem to love beryl bainbridge fantastic isn't it oh man she's uh giving you a ps i work opposite the

five ways central reservation yes that's that's what we kind of named the landmarks of in birmingham the five ways central reservation yes what is that it's a significant reservation yeah it's just as you're going into the town center when you're coming you know when you're coming down um hagley road going up heading towards broad street yeah that's it it's the big reservation my nephew i think works uh on that they might even work at the same... On it? Well, not on it. In an adjoining building. By? We've had so many... That's where I slept.

Remember I told you I slept on a grass verge? Yes. That five ways was one of my regular sleepings. I think that's probably why it's been mentioned in the email. Oh, I see. Did you often sleep on verges? I did, yeah. And verges.

Sometimes. Never verges. Just a couple of curates no i did yeah i used to uh i don't know if you've heard i used to drink quite a lot in the old days al fresco he drank quite a lot as well he used to you know what the italians are like but anyway speaking of uh oh go on drinking yes um a man has written in, a man called Josh. Oh no, we've done him. That's the worst link I've ever done.

That's all right. We got a weird email from a man called... Oh, he's not even called anything, he's just called Anxious Student. Kieran, his name is. Oh, Kieran. And he came to see your show, the Noel Cowell Theatre. Had to leave five minutes in because he had a panic attack. Do you remember this?

Oh, dear, that must have been a bad night. What night was that? No, he goes to some detail. Did he laugh so much he thought he was going to die? Is that what he's telling me? He said it wasn't your ukulele that induced it, but... I'm still inducing, even in this email. So, hold on, he came to this show and he had a panic attack five minutes in.

It's a terrible story. Yeah, and he says, has anyone ever had a panic attack in your shows before? Apart from you. Well, it's hard to tell. I see people being carried out sometimes, but you never know what it is. I used to go out with a lady that had very bad panic attacks. And I did used to jump out from behind things wearing a werewolf mask.

No, she said the thing to do is to look at the back of your hand. Really? Yeah, what you do is, if you sit at home when you're quiet and not panicking and look at the back of your hand and familiarise with it, as in, I know it like the back of my hand, then when you have your panic attack and you look at it

you remind yourself that everything's normal and you're still, even though you're in a different place, it's still you and everything's okay. That's a good idea. And if it doesn't work, you then show them the back of your hand. And that sparks them. No, no, that does

work. Apparently, yeah. So, Kieran, I hope, is he alright now? He said he was absolutely fine, but he wanted to say thank you so much to all the staff at the Noel Coward Theatre for their kindness and attention. When I was sort of freaking out because my face

was numb, he's put. See, you can't even do the slap thing with this. It wouldn't work. No, yeah, you could punch him as hard as you like. He came to my show and five minutes in, his face went numb and he had to leave. He's got an allergic reaction to you. I think he might have, yeah.

He's a big fan, though. He was pleased to be called... He wanted his name read out, Kieran. Well, Kieran, I hope you've got the feeling back in your face. Have you ever had a physical reaction on someone? I mean... Not really. Not saying it for a podcast.

What do you mean by that? I mean, has anyone ever sort of, like, fainted around you or something? Because I was with two kids once, and we met JLS. And these kids were, like, 12, and I've never seen anyone react like they did. One of them just went sort of very quiet and very white, and then kind of fell down. And the other one just started kind of crying, couldn't deal with it. Like, both of them had proper, you know, physical reactions to meeting JLS. They couldn't deal with it. It was incredible.

No, I can honestly say I've never had anything like that happen to me, ever ever, ever but if you'd met JLS maybe you would have I've met JLS and all I could think was what very very neat hair I mean immaculate

their hair is definitely quite a different reaction from those young people that you were discussing, they didn't seem to take in their hair, did they? No, it was so neat. I mean, it's neat. The line of the hair is absolutely etched perfectly. Oh, that's nice. They're like lovely...

They're like Capitamonte dolls. Capri Sun. Pardon? Capri Sun. What? Capri Sun's a little orange juice. Capri Sun, not Capri Sun. Oh. Itri Sun's a little orange juice. Capri Sun, not Capri Sun. Oh.

Listen, Ralph's aware of it. We're over again. Anyway, I have met Joe and SML said they're absolutely lovely young gentlemen. Good. And I'd recommend, if there's any parents listening and your daughters go out with them, you're damn lucky. They told me to say that. Apparently there's a court case or something. There isn't. It's a court case there isn't

it's a joke bye