The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 9th May 12

Episode Date: May 8, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Alun Cochrane. The team catch up on listener emails, discuss who they would wait at Heathrow for and Peaches Geldof's choice of baby name.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Don't whisper, we're about to start Not The Weekend podcast. Sorry, that was Daisy, the producer. Very unprofessional at this particular instant.

So, this is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Not The Weekend podcast, Alan Cochran, Emily Dean. We should point out that Desi has the power to edit out you saying that she's unprofessional at the start of the show. She does on on yeah on this uh particular thing she can use your voice and feed it into some machine where you are then saying oh daisy the producer's brilliant could she do that probably yeah but it would sound all choppy yeah she won't do that daisy the producer's brilliant i'm fairly confident that won't happen so um i'll tell you what, before I left this morning,

there was an advert on the telly. Have you ever seen this advert? I can't remember. It's something like that. Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da is the music. And it's a man dressed as a smartphone, dancing with two other men. That sounds so depressing. Yeah, and I did.

I just want to end my own life. It was one of those occasions when I thought, I've completely given up on popular culture. I'll never read another tabloid, watch television, unless it's like BBC 4F again. I can't stand this anymore. I've gazed into the very gates of hell. But I feel a bit better now.

But that was a man who dreamt that he would one day play Hamlet you shrugged it off quickly you know you have to carry on what about this you know I went to I never told you this story I went to

Barcelona when I got back I didn't tell this I thought I'd save it for Emily's return. Oh, lovely. I came through arrivals and I was approached by two young women. Oh, I hate it when that happens. And they said, are you Frank Skinner? And obviously this does, I'm not going to lie, this does happen to me. Yes. On occasion. So I was fine

with it. And I said, yeah. And they said, oh, we're Keith's daughters. And I said, Keith who? Oh, our Keith. And they said, your brother. Frank, you're joking. Yeah, no, I'm not joking. Frank, you're joking. No, I'm not joking. Why didn't you recognise our Keith's daughters? You know, families. I would have recognised them better than you. Well, you know what?

The last time I saw them, they were a bit smaller and they had very blonde hair, both of them, and then they got jet black hair. Oh, they're gots. And they're young women. Well, they're not gots. Well, I'll come to that. So we chatted for a bit. We had a we had a photo

together. I asked, I said, can I have my photo with you? I thought that's a sort of aide de mémoire. Yes. So we had a photo took and all that. And I said, so how come you're here? You going somewhere? And then they said, no, no, we're here? You're going somewhere?

And then they said, no, no, we're here. We're waiting for Justin Bieber. No. And I then, even though I'd been talking to him for like five minutes, I realised that they were draped in Bieber clothes and carried Bieber. I never had noticed that at all. They were Beliebers. They were.

They were a part of a whole bunch waiting for Justin Bieber to come. They haven't stopped Beliebing. No, they haven't. And I said, have you actually met Justin? They said, well, no, I've not exactly met him. But one of them said, I have had a hog from his dad. And I thought, well, the dad's an opportunist, isn't he? He makes my skin crawl like that.

The dad's thinking to himself. Disgusting, filthy old coot. Hold on a minute. Bieber by proxy. Do you know Bieber's dad? Have you seen him? No, but just that story makes me... He might not be old. He's probably 34 or something, isn't he? Oh, God, he's younger than me. He's bound to be younger than me.

If Bieber's father was younger than me, I'd feel ill. Well, I felt bad that they were waiting for Bieber and their's younger than me. Lots of thought, yeah. He's bound to be younger than me. Justin Bieber's father is younger than me. I feel ill. Well, I felt bad that they were waiting for Bieber and their photos took with me. It's like you go to the fridge for milk and come back with Gorgonzola. But it was an interesting experience. It made me think, is there anyone that I would go to Heathrow to just watch, walk through?

Because it's quite odd waiting at a sort of travel terminus, really. But there's lots of them. I mean, once I had the photo, loads of other young girls came over for photos. And then I realised what they do, they wait at arrivals and some go off and get a coffee and stuff. And they text immediately if there's any sign of life and they all come running back again. I didn't even the man who's supposed to stand waiting for me with a piece

of cardboard with Skinner on it even he didn't turn up for me and I paid him and he wasn't there but Justin Bieber has got all these and I tried to be a bit Bieber-esque. What did you do?

I said, well, do you prefer the fringe or the more recent flick? Since he's gone. Oh, terrible. I tried to join in on the Bieber. You tried to be a Belieber. It was just never going to happen. No, it wasn't. You know those drivers that stand and wait with your name on a bit of card? The girls have missed a trick there, because if they just popped Bieber on a bit of card. The girls have missed a trick there because if they just popped Bieber on a bit of card

and stood there, perhaps a chauffeur's hat... They'll be on a golf buggy. They might get off the plane and just walk up naturally... They'll be on a buggy. People are obedient. What I'd do is I'd get the cheapest nylon blonde wig I could get. I'd get a piece of cardboard with Bieber on and I'd glue a fringe over the top.

So as he'd come out, I'd slightly lift the fringe to show the name and he'd be a fringe over the top so as he'd come out I'd slightly lift the fringe to show the name and he'd be attracted by that. Yeah, yeah. Attracted? I think so. That's his call.

But is there anyone who you would go to see just to watch Walkthrough Arrivals? It's something that you lose as you get older, that kind of hero. That excitement. I'll say mine

but you won't believe me. Go on. I know you won't. I believe you. I'll say mine, but you won't believe me. Go on. I know you won't. Believe you. I'll believe you. I would go to see Vince Cable. Honestly. You'd go to Heathrow to see Vince Cable walk through Arrival.

I would, honestly. I suppose compared to Bieber, you'd get a longer show because he'd walk through slower than Bieber, I would imagine. No, but also, I'd catch him when he was a bit tired and jet-lagged as well. He's a bit vulnerable. Get them when they're vulnerable. I don't know if he was that far. He'd be cranky as well. Yeah, do you think?

I bet he gets off a plane in a huff, Vince Campbell. No, but I'd find that an aphrodisiac. Oh, my goodness. I have a lot of childhood issues. We'll talk. I think you could easily manufacture a meeting with Vince Cable. Do you think so, Frank? Yes. Well, I wouldn't have to go to Heathrow for it, though. With your connections, surely.

I mean, various fashion shows you go to, presumably Vince Cable. I don't know if Cable's a big fashion visitor. He's not bothered. No. Businessman, though, anyway. I just want to slide in under the wire. I think there must be a way I imagine

people laugh I genuinely I do I imagine he doesn't smell quite as fresh as he might oh fang

that's what I think I think long nights there's no Rick Wallace sweat long nights you know in rooms talking about economics

yeah but the brain on the man the brain on the man rubbish how long had the believers been there for? Well, one of the girls was saying that she'd got a train from Milton Keynes at 4am. And what time were you there at?

That's quite a chunk. Oh, no, I was there about half eleven. Right. Still no sign of Belieber. Wow, that's a lot of waiting. It is. I think former world snooker champion

Steve Davis, I would... Oh, yeah. Oh, because he's like, babe! Yeah. I think former world

snooker champion Steve Davis is a bit of an untrodden path as far as the British public is concerned. I've met him

a couple of times. Have you? He's a profoundly fascinating man. Yeah. Is he? He's a profoundly fascinating man. Yeah. Is he? He's a laugh. Very, very clever.

Well, this was his thing. Yeah, it's boring for David. I think that was a shield. Yes, I know it's the joke. But he's a really good after-dinner speaker as well. I bet he's one of those. Is he? I don't know, but I think he's too clever to be an after-dinner speaker.

I think, you know, like the before people who thought he was brilliant and everyone else would say, oh, I didn't know what he was talking about. It'd be speaker I think you know like the before people who thought he was brilliant to everyone else and say I didn't know what he was talking about it'd be like that you know I think you'll find I sometimes make a living being an after dinner speaker isn't that part of the Venn diagram that we're on somehow as well well yeah but you know

I feel that my audience is dropping by the second don't you why no because I tend not to go on now and do 25 is dropping by the second. Don't you? Why? No! Because I tend not to go on now and do 25 minutes of jokes about sex. Oh, I see. And football.

Yeah. And do you think that's what they want? That's what they want. Now we're speaking about how fascinating Steve Davis is. This is turning into some Piers Morgan interview. You're going to start crying. It has. It's gotten too far.

But no, Steve Davis. This is turning into some Piers Morgan interview. You're going to start crying. It has. It's gotten too far. But no, Steve Davis is interesting. He's a massive music fan, isn't he? Oh, God, he used to edit a Northern Soul fanzine. That's right. I was having a chat with my wife the other day about how Steve Davis is a massive Northern Soul fan. How does this come up? There are many aspects to his...

Honestly, I think he should get a show on Absolute Radio, Steve Davis. Yeah. I mean, it's not really your place to start the appointments process, is it? But it's a nice gesture. No, but it's like, remember when they started the campaign to get Bruce Forsythe and Knightwood? Yeah. I didn't.

I didn't start that. No. And it worked, didn't it? It did, it worked. So let's start here. I said it's a show. I didn't start that. No. And it worked, didn't it? It did, it worked. So let's start here. Ipso facto. Romford Robot on Absolute Radio starts now. Was he the Romford Robot?

Yeah, that's what he was known as, the ginger magician. I forgot. The Romford Robot. Great player, good pundit. Yeah, I loved listening to you two talk about Snoopy. Do you know who I'd go to Heathrow for? Go on. I would go to Heathrow for? Go on.

I would go and wait for Godot. If you knew that Godot was coming through Arrivals, there'd be a massive queue, wouldn't there? Because people have wasted a lot of time waiting for him. Yeah, but, you know, that thing when you have to go away and come back the next day. Because he played for Man City, you see. No, I know who Godot is. There's a Harry Ramstons, of course, at Heathrow.

Which makes waiting for anyone to see him ideal. Perfect, yeah. Frank, I do love the idea of you standing there waiting for Steve Davis. With a Harry Ramsden's fish supper. Not to talk to him, just to watch him go through. Just to watch him. I bet he travels now without a queue case as well. I don't know if you could take a queue case and luggage.

Do you think he still likes a waistcoat? Well, no, not by choice. Oh. He's looked quite casual on the thing. How's his hair looking now? I always think anyone who wears a waistcoat that doesn't match the jacket and trousers... It's Sandy Toks, babe.

I think... Well, I think there's a hint of mental illness about that. You know when you see a slightly colourful, oh, no, definitely not, definitely not. Still, that's just, I mean, you've got to have a rule of thumb for personal safety reasons. Yeah. That's my one.

What else? I'll tell you what else. I would like to talk to you. Would you? Yes, regarding... I feel this is the correct context. Peaches Geldof. Oh, Peaches Geldof.

Now, you might be interested in this. It's another celebrity baby. Because whether you like it or not, Frank, you are about to have a celebrity baby. Am I going to have a celebrity baby? Yes, yes. Oh, no. I hadn't thought of that.

I find that quite joyful. But she's called it a rather odd name. Mind you, we keep talking about Steve Davis. Maybe not, depending on how long it takes. If you think you're in the win. Yes. You're right. Go on.

Is that a snooker joke? No. Oh, OK. I'm just checking all you. Is that a snooker joke? No. Oh, okay. I'm just checking all you two talk about a snooker in our downtime. The other morning you got in. Yes! You just went, oh, did you see that snooker? I mean, honestly, mate.

I never said mate. You may as well have. No, I didn't say. I was just saying that if my girlfriend had said to me at the weekend, I'm going away for the weekend, it would have been an equal gift to her buying me a car, that I could have sat for two whole days and just watched snooker.

I can't tell you how happy that would make me. And Alan agreed, and then you talked about snooker, and then I said it was like being in a pub in Birmingham in the 70s. If I was offered a choice between winning the Sony Award and spending two days on my own watching the snooker, and then I said it was like being in a pub in Birmingham in the 70s. If I was offered a choice between winning the Sony Award and spending two days on my own watching the snooker, I'd go for the snooker. Oh, great. I just know what would make me happier. The judges, everything's not final yet.

Well, we don't. Who knows? They're deliberating as we speak. Anyway, meanwhile, over at Peaches, Geldof Gaff. So she's with this guy, I believe he's the lead singer of Scum. Very nice man. I don't know him. I'm not familiar with Scum. Mum, Dad, I'd like you to meet.

But they've had a baby, and she's called it Astala, I believe is the name. No, I think it's Astala. Oh. It's one of those clamps they use on the donkeys at Blackpool. You know when they're getting the kids on and off, they have to put like a clamp on to stop them scampering. It's called an Astorla.

And she named it. No, I made that up. Yes, I realise that. Okay, sorry. It's actually the male version of Esther. She looks like Trellis. It's a Jewish name. Don't you think she looks like Trellis. It's a Jewish name. Don't you think she looks like Trellis? She's got that floral tattoo that goes from her ankle

right the way up her belly. She looks like a nice bit of Trellis work. On a summer's day. Yeah, lovely. It's like sitting out in the yard, the backyard when she's sunbathing. So it's a real name? I thought it was a made up name. No, I think it's the male version. He's Jewish and. So it's a real name? I thought it was a made-up name. No, I think it's...

It's the male version. He's Jewish, and I think it's a Jewish name, yeah. But I wondered what you thought of that. What? Yes. For my own child. As a potential. I'm thinking Kim Jong Skinner.

I like that. Then you take all the decision-making for your descendants, because you just do another Kim Yong and then you just put something else. So you've got any syllable on the end. Kim Yong. Kim Yong. Kim Yong.

So that's what I'm going to do. It's difficult, the name choosing. The one thing I've made my mind up about the baby name is not the name of the baby, but I've made up my mind that the baby's first pet is going to be called Norman. Just so he then has a rubbish

porn name. Oh yes, that's a very good idea. Yeah, because I don't like the porn name thing. So Bob Geldof is anti the name, which as many people are pointing out is a bit cheeky considering some of the names he's come up with. I'm thinking

now maybe Paula chose. You think so? And he was wanting stuff like Sarah. Yeah. What do you mean Bob? Pretty straightforward. Chrysanthemum or am I too quiet? He says

yuck, I've actually been begging them to change it. Good use of the word yuck, Bob. Yuck? Don't see that outside of the B, you know much. He does always look like he's been begging. He did say a funny thing about how he's looking forward to having a boy in the family, and he said, I've swam in oestrogen all my life. And I thought, get a cleaner.

Yeah. If you really wanted to whine, Bono is what I would have called the child. Can you imagine? He stole my act! He stole my act! I saved the third world! That's how I imagine that would have gone down He comes from a bit further north than people think

Yeah he does I don't know if you're aware Mondays would be good for him as well I think any It's been a great week for parenting Did you see the tanning mum Oh my god I'm obsessed by the tanning mum

She looked amazing. Amazing. In case you didn't see, this woman had been accused of taking a tiny child, well, actually, she wasn't that tiny, but a little girl to a tanning booth, which she hadn't, but the mum looks like she lived in one.

Have you seen a picture of her? I've seen a picture of the mum. She looks like... She looked a bit like me when I got back from India. If I went to Thorntons and said, could you make me a chocolate Zoe Ball?

That's what she looked like. And they could do it. They could do it. Oh, yeah. You know, they are to the chocolatier. And Zoe Ball got quite big chocolate ears,

if I remember right. But that's what she looks like. I mean, she looks like she's made out of milk chocolate but with like spindly blonde hair she's unrepentant I loved her she was the best ever

so anyway yes where were we it's difficult though I was thinking of Samuel Johnson Skinner if it's a boy lovely named after the great

lexicographer and moralist from the 18th century lovely also that shortens nicely Sam Skinner just sounds like

a cool kid doesn't it you don't want Samuel Johnson Skinner every time you address them well no but no one does that unless it's in Russia

exactly you've got other stuff to do you know in Russian players they say so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so Well, no, but no one does that unless it's in Russia. Exactly. You've got other stuff to do. You know in Russian plays when they say, So, ilich, barehich, in Polish. Yeah, absolutely. They say, yeah, mate, down to the hole.

The hole of Russia is our orchard. I feel so sorry for the actors in that instance. I was identified with the performers. Yeah. But, yeah, no, I agree with you. I quite like the return to quite basic names, I think, now. Because I think we've sort of, you know, these have been popular for a while, these fancy names.

I think the Martins and the Stuarts are having their moment again. I like those. If you want him to grow up really rich, just call him It. Child called It, made a few quid. Oh, God, that's a good idea. Oh, my God. Seriously, there's money there. I always think of Capability Brown. You know, that's a name that hasn't been picked up on, my God. Seriously, there's money there. I always think of Capability Brown.

You know, that's a name that hasn't been picked up on, run with. Capability Brown? Yeah. Pandemonium Skinner. What do you think? As you know, I once adopted an African child called Agreement Phineas. Oh, don't. I hate this story. Where is the child now?

I just forgot. I forgot.'t. I hate this story. Where is the child now? I've just forgot. I forgot. I let the direct debit lapse. Is it still on the fridge of your old house? I don't know. Look, I don't want a disagreement. No, it was a... Agreement Phineas.

It was a technical error. But, I mean, what a brilliant name. Agreement Skinner. Do it. Go for it. Use it. I mean, it might be slightly morbid, given that you were, like, that direct debit lapse. No, but I think he got picked up by someone else. You think he got picked up by someone else?

I think someone signed him on a Bosman. Responsible parenting. Well, I never felt... I mean, there was one picture of Johnny's dad in the background, and I swear there was a cigar in the top pocket. I thought, where's my money going? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had some emails in. I'll share one with you. Lottie Horry, lovely name. Brilliant name one with you. Lottie Horry. Lovely name. Brilliant name. Lovely name, Lottie Horry. Did she star in the Lottie Horry show? I bet she's heard that 10 million times in her life.

What a great name, though. It's a great name. It's got a sort of a touch of Enid Blyton about it for me. Lottie Horry. I think it's, yes. A bit sided with Rosie as well. Is Lottie Horrie. I think it's, yes. I feel like she could be in the Secret Seven. A bit sided with Rosie as well. Is Lottie a complete name or is it an abbreviation? Is it short for Charlotte?

Is it a Charlotte? Yeah, yeah. Okay, anyway, Lottie Horrie. Lottie Horrie has emailed in about her use of the human shield. Remember you were saying that you sometimes use a person as you're crossing the road for a crumple zone. Yeah, I'll use one with the homeless as well for somebody asking for money. person as you're crossing the road for a crumple zone. I'll use one with the homeless as well. If there's somebody

asking for money, I'll go in on the shoulder, on the far shoulder of a pedestrian. She said, I'm a student. If somebody says to me, can I have £50 just to get a sandwich, I haven't eaten for three days.

I think, well, okay, it's the money, but I'll want to see receipts somewhere down the line. I don't have £50 just to get a sandwich I haven't eaten for three days I think well okay it's the money but I'll want to see receipts somewhere down the line I don't want it spent on hard drugs and then I'm partly responsible I think that's fair next Lottie says I'm a student at university and during freshers week

was constantly bombarded by flyers on my walk into lectures and tutorials. So much so that I deployed the human shield to make sure the endless paper was thrust into the hands of my friends. Highly effective. I could try that. Flyers, in case you don't know, are like little leaflets. I have friends that do a similar thing to avoid buying a round. Do you? Yeah. My brother told me that he's got

a mate that walks into the pub in front of everyone and then sort of deliberately finds a reason to turn around and ask a question so that somebody else goes to the bar. Once you see that in a person, you can't let it go after a while. You know that thing in a cab as well when there's four of you in a cab and the cab

pulls up and somebody's going for the wallet, inside, yes. Inside pocket. Yes. Trouser pocket. You know where it is. Of course you do. It's not on. Of course you do.

I do that. She's added in brackets at the end of her email. Also, one of my tutors reached up to scroll some reference on the board and we got a glimpse of his Calvin classics. Oh, right. One of your brethren. Yeah. People must have assumed I found Descartes.

Is it Descartes? Descartes. Descartes. Is it Descartes? Descartes. Descartes. A bit embarrassing. It is embarrassing. Metaphysical writings amusing. Oh, so this isn't a metaphysics class. Descartes.

I'm starting to think that maybe the Calvin classics was... You know, have you seen those boxes and their quotes from John Calvin, the 16th century? They say, well, maybe they're Descartes. They say, I think, therefore I am. Or maybe they say, I shrink, therefore I am. Oh, aren't we all very clever at mispronouncing Descartes.

I know, it's very embarrassing. Can I say, I was going to say stink then and I decided to clean it up a bit. So stink. Boxer shorts, I stink, therefore I am. Have you ever seen what Descartes looks like? He looks a little bit like Hilary Duvet. I suggest you Google...

René Descartes? Yes, because really, the resemblance is quite extraordinary. If I Googled it, I'll probably spell it wrong, just like I say it wrong. If you want to Google anyone to trigger your memory of Hilary Duvet, I suggest you try. Just do it. Olivier is Richard III. And you're there.

Yes. You're absolutely there. Who else have we heard from? We've heard from Chris Millington. Oh, yeah. He's emailed in. Miller. Well, I would say it's to rival Peter the Wild.

Peter the Wild. Oh, my goodness. Peter the Wild Redux. I've been listening We should say I think for new listeners to start here Peter the Wild was a feral boy

who was was it He was a court character Which king was he? I think it was Charles the Second I don't know if it was a Charles Oh first

Oh maybe it was a George Oh my I think it was a George the First Yes you might be right And he was kept as a sort of a pet really at court. He had a leather collar around his neck, Peter the Wild.

A novelty. He was a novelty. He was a feral boy. Oh, God, he was feral. I mean, there's feral and there's feral. He had epicanthic folds and lots of curly hair. Did he? Just saying. The new listeners will be all over Google when they listen to this, won't they?

No, no, they'll be all over another podcast. Carry on. So Chris says, I've been listening to the podcast Archive and was fascinated by the story of Peter the Wild. I wondered if you knew the tale of Geoffrey Hudson, a dwarf kept as a pet by Charles I's wife, Queen Henrietta Maria. I'm starting to think Ricky Gervais is more sensitive than we think.

Kept as a pet. That's just not right. He was first presented to the Queen in a pie and emerged through the crust. Oh no! Oh no! I wonder. It must have been a shallow pipe

that had to come out through the crust. It was more of a flan. So when we think of sexy girls in bikinis jumping out of cakes, this is where it's starting off. A dwarf popped up through a chicken and mushroom. Oh, no, that's just... I hope it wasn't steak and ale.

What was the pie? Oh, I love pie. But this is probably an opportunity for you to play that foreign objects and food jingle. So we do that as a tribute. What's he called? Geoffrey Hudson. He's called Geoffrey Hudson.

Let's just have a moment when we think of his immortal memory. Foreign object and food. I wasn't trying to tell you how to run the show. No, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I wanted a suitable tribute. I hope she then tasted the pie and went,

I think you could have seasoned it a bit further or something. Can I ask a practical question at this point? Was he clothed? Oh, yeah, in court. Oh, I wouldn't like him if he was naked. It would be like when they have those little blackbirds to help the, you know... Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie?

No, those China blackbirds to help air get into it. Oh, you've never cooked? Oh, yeah. These were less enlightened times. I think that's fair to put it that way. I imagine that the pie makers didn't even have hairnets on. What I don't like about this is if I went to an event and a dwarf came out of a pie, I'd think, well, he or

she had been heavily remunerated for this. They'd made a decision. Or heavily sedated. Spoken to their agent and said nah, I'll do it. Whereas I feel Geoffrey Hodgson was pushed. I do. He was more of the arm twisting dwarf in pie.

They said he fought in the English Civil War. Blimey. Did he? Yes. Respect. Yes. Nuff respect, as they used to say. He was captured by pirates eventually, though.

Barbary pirates, according to the email. I've got a few Barbary pirates. My Streisand bootleg collection. I call them my Barbary Pirates. It's a fabulous, if not terrible, story. How did he end? I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. Because he was sold into slavery.

And we don't know any more after that. So if anyone's got any hot goss on Geoffrey Hudson... He must have a wiki, hadn't he? No, but maybe Gordon Smart from The Sun. He's quite well connected. He might be able to help us out. Gordon Smart? Who's that?

He's one of those Sun men that have... 3am. Yeah, it's 3am and now he edits it or something. Oh, so he's got the inside information. Anyway, that's... I don't know what's going something. Oh, so he's got the inside information. He knows about what's going down. I'm tempted to call it a short story, but I'm avoiding. A short story? It's a terrible story, but also there's something addictive about it.

About the dwarf and the pie? Yeah, about the whole Geoffrey Hudson thing. Well, there was someone who'd found a dirty dishcloth in a pie recently, wasn't there? Yes. And she said, I think this has put my husband off pie forever. Had a dwarf jumped out of it. I could have eaten his loincloth. It might have put him back on pie forever.

But see, I don't think... Surprise pie. I don't think there'd be any... It wasn't a pie, was it? It was like... They'd have just made a crust. Because he wouldn't have been in there with all the filling. He's suggesting he is only filling.

So they just made a crust, and basically he could have jumped out of anything. Oh, I hope there was filling in there. Not too hot, though. Well, he could have suffocated. Nice bathwater temperature. Are you thinking small straw coming up through that slit in the middle of the crust? Yeah.

Or maybe it was a cold-served pie, and he was like the egg in the middle of the crust. Yeah. Or maybe it was a cold-served pie and he was like the egg in the middle of a gala pie. Yes. I feel like I might have to explain gala pie to Emily now. You're not a gala pie type. Is that a pie? No, do you mean when you watched The Snooker in 1978? A gala pie is what you get if you win at the swimming.

What else? On the subject of food, Tom Relihan has emailed in. I've probably pronounced that wrong. It's probably pronounced Descartes. Let's say Relihan. Tom Relihan. Tom Relihan, I would say. Relihan.

Relihan. I know his brother Robbie. Descartes. Tom has emailed in and would like to know what Frank's favourite food was as a boy. I like that he says dwarf pie

I was very keen on. Yes. I love the fact that he says out this is just out of curiosity. Thanks. That's fine. I'll tell you what

I was very keen on was lemon meringue pie. Oh lovely. I was as a young man I was obsessed with lemon meringue pie. Oh the dwarf could go surfing, as a young man, I was obsessed with lemon meringue pie. Oh, the dwarf could go surfing in that. It was, oh, it was brilliant. I made one once.

You didn't. In fact, I've tried to make two, and the first time I couldn't get my meringue up at all. It'd just lay like a crust, and that's very depressing. No, the peaks weren't rising. And the next time I got, you know those hand whisks and I really gave it

some satisfaction when it starts to, as you say go into peaks, fantastic this is the first story you've told about cooking anything other than sausages well after that I've never done it again I just thought I can't beat this

and the weird thing about the whisks which I never realised is that they go in different directions the two whisking things oh yes I know what you mean yeah do you aware of that? one was clockwise one was anticlockwise right you with me?

he's more a pie man I was fascinated by that I see that as a symbol of my relationship two things going in completely opposite directions but somehow making a lovely

fluffy pointy thing no way to talk about your future baby you're probably right so it's yeah that's what I loved I love that

and obviously Dimebass Dimebass sweet tooth that's coming out loved. I loved that. And obviously, Dime Bars. Dime Bars. Dime Bars. Sweet tootsies coming out. Dime Bars are the great king of the confectionery world, don't you think? Yeah, they were good.

I went to Sweden once, and you could get Dime Bars. I mean, you could use the chopping board. Massive. And they call them Dame, which I don't like. They do call them Dame. But as I said to them, there is nothing like a Dame. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.