The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Not The Weekend Podcast: 9th November 2011

Episode Date: November 8, 2011

Frank, Emily and Laura Solon discuss painful reviews, cuddling at bedtime and luxury massages.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get 2 for 1 tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a 5 night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there too. But, I've run out of time. Frank, Frank, Frank, Skinner, Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, just starting to show the noise cup of tea. This is Frank Skinner and this is the Not The Weekend podcast.

And I'm here with Emily Dean and Laura Sauer. One boy. Loving it. Two little girls. A little bit creepy, that song, to use my new fave word. Really? It's from the Elvis Presley film Kissing Cousins. Again, a little bit creepy.

Yeah, when he plays not only himself, but his cousin. Does he kiss himself? He fights himself. Is his character called Rick? I'm assuming so. What are his characters? He's always called Rick. One might be Toby. Toby doesn't sound like a very...

Maybe I've made that up. I can't. They're sort of hillbillies. He's blonde. One cousin is very blonde and the other one is like that jet black blue black that elvis went for and there's a fight scene where you very very clearly see the face of the the stunt double i mean they've just gone oh well we'll stop with it now better or worse than double impact i don't know if i've

seen double impact what about Bulletproof Monk? I'm just going to say... Police Academy 4, we're just going to say... Look, I can't handle this. This is like playing singles against a doubles team at tennis. Two little girls. Yeah, exactly. Two little girls. But no, I'd say it's amongst the worst of the Elvis films,

probably Kissing Cousins, but I have a soft spot for it. It's not a great title. No, I like it. I like alliteration in any film title. I went to see Tintin, speaking of which. Did you? Did you enjoy it? I went, many of you probably think I lead an extravagant showbiz life. I went on my own on a Friday night to see Tintin.

I did, It's a visual extravaganza. Feast? Is it a visual feast? Speaking of feasts, I had the medium-sized popcorn, which is a big, big box. Do you know I finished it before the film started? There wasn't a

Geldofian hairy hand inside it, that's right. Except my own. At Victoria Station today there was a big picture of Tintin, a poster for Tintin, which had all the amazing reviews and stars all over the poster. Then there was a poster next to it for a film called The Awakening, and the two endorsements on it was a quote by Edith Bowman and another quote from Easy Living magazine. What did Easy Living have to say? Not bad.

It was a really good quote about it being compelling mystery. And it's about, it's called The Awakening, and the tagline, which I don't think is really, they haven't really got the A team on it, the tagline was, sometimes dead does not mean gone. Well, that's true. But that's not, it's not. And who's that quote from the Oxford English Dictionary?

No, that's their strap line. That's their strap line. Rojay is the sorist. Sometimes it can mean in an ironic sense. Susie Dent. Yeah, it can. It can mean all sorts of things. Sometimes I get a dead leg, but it hasn't gone.

It doesn't mean gone. I suppose there is a sense of absence about it that you can't quite feel it. And also a sense of abscess. If you're Henry quite feel it. And also a sense of abscess. A hint of absinthe. Anyway, enough of that. This is Absolute Radio. And what happens?

What are we going to talk about? Well, I'll tell you what we're going to talk about. I'm a bit worried about you. I know what you're going to say. Because you have a policy, Frank. What is that policy? I never read my reviews, ever. I know what you're going to say. Because you have a policy, Frank. What is that policy? I never read my reviews, ever. Have you stuck to that this week?

Well, what happened was in the... What is it? It's ten days ago now, I suppose. I got the Sunday Times and I did a documentary about George Formby. I can plug it now. It's gone. And it was covered by A.A. Gill. Are you aware of A.A. Gill? Yes.

He's a bloke who writes for the Sun. He's a Serbic television and food critic. Oh, he's a Serbic. He is a Serbic. A Serbic Adrian. Yeah. Is that what it stands for? Is that what it stands for?

No. I'd love the fact that he uses the initials A.A. instead of his... I think he is Adrian, isn't he? He is Adrian. He's also A.A. instead of his... I think he is A.A., to be honest with you. He is A.A. He's also A.A. as well, but that's another story. He's out about that. Yeah, but, you know, he's trying to be like T.S. Eliot or something, whereas, in fact, he brings out books like Breakfast,

whatever it's called, which is Pictures of Bacon, with some writing next to it, like a children's book. I'm sensing this wasn't a good review. No, I don't want to get into it, I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. It was a very, very short review, and he said, he said, I'll do it, I can't remember it word for word, but probably pretty close.

It said something like, I'll do anything, I'll suffer anything for my dear readers. But when the DVD dropped through the letterbox, it said Frank Skinner on George Formby, he said that was too much for me. One or the other, but not both at the same time. So he didn't even watch it? Well, there was quite a strong sense in the comic that he didn't know George Formby was dead.

Which, I'm glad he didn't watch it, because I don't break it very gently. I do, I mean, I just come out I don't break it very gently. I do. I mean, I just come out, I blurt it out. How dare he say that? Well, you know, that's what he does, isn't it? It doesn't really count. To be controversial. No, he's not.

I'm sorry, I don't agree. And I'm not saying this out of blind loyalty. What kind of loyalty are you saying it out of? Partially sighted? No. OK. Boss loyalty. Oh, fair enough.

No, what I would say is that's dereliction of duty. If he'd have had a comment on it, Frank, and said, oh, I didn't like it. Isn't it better that he didn't, though? Because he doesn't... He might have liked it. He might have liked it, but he wouldn't have said so. He wouldn't have let on. He nearly watched it.

I bet he likes a lot of stuff that he slags on. He has to take the opposite path to what everyone else has. I've seen him a couple of times at various showbiz do's. Obviously, I've never approached him. You wouldn't. But he has got a shiny face. I mean, he's got one of the shiniest... Do you think he's had work?

No, I don't think he has. I think it's a bit like there isn't quite enough fat between the skin and the bone. Oh. But he's very... I thought at first he was moist. But I think he might... He's iridescent. I think he's, well it's a difference,

it's a shininess that's kind of, if he was trying to fight ageing by using lamination, I think he's been laminated against weather. He'd make a, he's got a, he's got like a bully's head, but a very, he, but a very...

He really needs a good powder. I imagine him in a smoking jacket for some reason. I'd like to see him in a smoking jacket. I mean, preferably on fire. No, but he... To be honest, I don't have any bad feelings against him, to be honest. I don't think his reviews are quite... I don't think he means it.

He's trapped now. It's like when Oliver Hardy once said, I can't lose weight now it. He's trapped now. When Oliver Hardy once said, I can't lose weight now because I'm the fat comedian, I can't start writing nice stuff. That's not why people are reading him. No. He was once very nice about Jo Brand, and I thought, I bet she's mortified to read this.

Is it a bit like when Bruce Forsyth says, you're my favourite? It is a bit like that, yeah. But he has, I don't mind him and his big shiny head. He'd make a great Pez dispenser stroke torch. If you got his head on top, he's trying to get you clean. Or a reading light. Yeah, lovely reading light he'd make.

I imagine he doesn't need a reading light in bed. Just hold this. He gives clerks some good reviews often, because I think they're friends They've both got very, very enormous faces and I think that he also liked Bo Selector Yeah

They stick together, the big-faced people, generally speaking I've had a bad review as well recently Birds of a big face stick together, that's what I say He also looks at the orangutans whose faces are so big

they overlap their heads in a sort of a mushroom kind of way. I love that. I love choosing your friends on the basis of that. Yeah,

favourite film ever, Every Which Way But Loose. I hate you. Favourite band, the U2 that used to be on tfi friday favourite historical character the elephant but he loves all the big faces anyway sorry you were saying well i've had a bad review myself it didn't appear in a newspaper. It was from a manicurist. Okay. How big

was her face? You can still put it on your Edinburgh poster, though, I think. It's quite a developed world problem. I've had a bad review from my manicurist. But nevertheless, I didn't like what she had to say. I'm calling it an aesthetic review, actually, guys. She wasn't

my regular. Is there my magazine called the aesthetic review there is now there should be yeah carry on um it wasn't my regular oh i had my nails done in a lovely shade it was just an absolute radio shade can i ask was it were you at a nail bar yes i was i was at a nail bar um names mentioned but the polish was called it was a lovely purple shade it's called, I think it's called Sexy Divide it's called

purple Sexy Divide Sexy Divide it sort of knocks you more on isn't it yeah I don't like it's like something from Mills and Boone he looked across at her at her own purple sexy divide. Oh, no.

Hold on a minute. I'll be all right in a minute. Un-say that. I'm fine, I'm fine. I just got a bit hot. A.A. Gill can't even listen if those two words are together. No, I'm better. So I stopped by to get that and she did what, you know,

have you had manicures, Laura? Are you a manicure fan? No, I've only had three in my life and I just don't like the small talk that comes with haircuts or manicure. I just, that's, I don't enjoy those situations. You've got an elegant hand. A lot of skinny people do have elegant hands. Does that mean you don't have haircuts?

I do have haircuts, but I don't go regularly as you're supposed to do because I just don't have haircuts. I do have haircuts, but I don't go regularly as you're supposed to do because I just don't like that enforced, horrible talking thing. Yeah, talking, it's annoying, isn't it? Yeah. The dynamic. Is it all right to call Laura skinny? Oh, yeah.

Oh, OK. It's all right to call anyone, yeah. Fair enough. That's a compliment from me, Laura. I hope you know that. Thank you. I'm not going to then go online and make it into a big deal. No.

Nothing bad about being... That team is skinny. So anyway, so she inspected my nails a bit like... It's a bit like an army inspection. They always do that. It's kind of standard procedure. Just to see what condition they're in. And I'm afraid I was found wanting.

I imagine your nails are... Did she touch... No. Did she touch... They'd gone a bit... And they have a bit... I'm afraid I was found wanting. I imagine your nails are... No, they'd gone a bit Courtney Love. And she said... Oh, she had an accent. It's unspecified, but I will do it, yeah. She said, I'm not sure where she was from, it was a bit Nancy DiLoglio.

Oh, your nails are in terrible condition. Can you imagine my face, Frank? Can I just stop there for a Nancy DiLoglio moment? I saw Nancy DiLoglio interviewed on This Morning. An NDLM. Yeah, on This Morning. And she was being interviewed about her appearance on Strictly Come Dancing and about how Craig Horwood had said some terrible things about her. And the interviewer said he was very unkind to us. He said, yes, it was unnecessary what he said. And he said, well, to be fair, he did say you were very sexy. She said, yes, but everybody knows that. But he said... Oh, good.

I loved her for that. Completely unquestioning and un-Ironic. I can't fathom her. Completely unquestioning and un-Irony. I can't fathom her. I can't place her in any logical context. Well, you need to place her in the Italian legal system, obviously. She's a lawyer. She is a lawyer.

She said when she met a friend of mine, she said, I lawyer. She did. Good. Meanwhile, back at the manicurist. Yes. So, she said your nail is in terrible condition. How you let them get in this state? Oh, dear.

In this state? Oh. Can you imagine? Well, I won't be spoken to. Did you tell her? I'd have claimed I'd been buried alive. By Vicky Bly. I won't have a word against Vicky Bly.

She's one of the nicest people I've ever met. No, but she said she wouldn't be happy until she saw you in a grave. I made that up. Oh, no, she'll be saying, I made up, Eloise, being creepy. Oh, don't go back to that. So, I said...

Honestly, I feel like Simon Fuller managing the Spice Girls. Bag's not scary. I said, I'm very busy, actually. I thought that was a good response. Would that give you bad nails? Doing manual labour. I use my hands a lot.

Okay. So I type. She said she wouldn't let it lie. She said you wouldn't get a face in that state or that hair. Wouldn't let that get in that state. Oh, dear, she's belligerent. Do you think it's a compliment about your hair and face being lovely, and so it's the contrast?

Well, that's a lovely way of looking at it, Laura. A positive way of looking at it. I wish you'd been doing my nails that day. Yeah, but Laura doesn't like the chit-chat. You don't want to get your nails done mute. No, I like an Asperger's nail technician. From now on, I'm going to be requesting that. Not that I'm suggesting you an Asperger's.

Have you just called me an Asperger's nail technician? That is worse than creepy. Yeah. So she then said, well then, this was the killer, Frank. Are you married? I thought, oh, okay. I said no. What was under your nail? I said no.

She said, most girls like to have a nice finger footing oh I see Jermaine Greer I called her after that I really didn't like it I said do they now do they now

do they now oh really it's the pause between the oh and the do they oh do they now the pause between the oh and the do they. Oh, do they. The rest of the manicure, silence. I see silence. Did you just eyeball her? Oh, very much so.

She got one of my stares. What did she mean by the finger? Well, what she was suggesting was that because I was married, I wasn't married, I'm sorry, that was why I'd let my nails get into such a terrible state. If I was married, I'd want a nice finger for ring. Or you've got married, your husband's making you fatter, it doesn't matter anymore,

the ring is cutting off the blood to your engorged fingers. Well, I'd have thought that marriage is normally... When you give up. Right, but it's associated with letting yourself go. Yeah, not according to this nail technician. Oh, OK. Can you see? Yeah.

Anyway, so... That is... Well, I was in the chair recently, a make-up chair. Oh, yeah. And in the chair next to me was... Oh, Gabby Logan came into the make-up room. Oh, yeah. And she said,

Oh, I don't think of you with grey hair. She didn't. I thought, well, there's so many things here. First of all, Cammie Logan thinks of me. She thinks of me retrospectively. I like the idea that ageing has an element of surprise, though. People go,

whoa! I didn't see that coming. But she thinks of you fondly. Well, she thinks of me in the 90s, as so many people do, to be honest. I think she still sees me very much as king of the new lads. You see, yeah, I don't like that. I think that's inappropriately personal. I really do.

I think personal comments in general, you can't make. A girl looked at me the other day and went, your feet are so small! And then laughed for 20 minutes. That's that breezy laugh. Yeah, that's... It's a mean laugh. It's rude.

That's tough. It's like people say you look tired. I'm getting old. Did you tell her you had 25 years of geisha binding when you were growing up? Wild Swans is your autobiography. Oh, dear. I mean, I followed Emily across a snowy landscape, and I thought someone had just pogoed.

I had the reverse of someone actively giving me an aesthetic review when I went for a casting for a role that said, she's attractive, but in an achievable way. And then continued to qualify this by saying, you know, she's the kind of woman that any housewife would be happy leaving their husband with. Oh, that's a bit different, isn't it?

Any housewife attractive in an achievable way. They weren't frantically writing this as you walked in the room. Achievably attractive. Oh, Lord. I thought that was... I thought I was a little disheartened by it.

I didn't get the part. I'll just... I'll just add I was... Too good looking? Is that the theory? That was obviously what was wrong. Yeah, well... Yeah, that's...

They probably went too achievable. Can't go down that route. But achievably attractive. That's what... I don't want that as a sort of on my poster well I think that makes you an inspirational figure people think why am I achievable

I could look like that but also the sense of men being able to achieve the idea of oh yeah she's my fifth choice I'm just going to go around the room see who else I can get. Well, don't take it to heart. I think the thing about being trust the husband, I don't know.

I think a lot of women wouldn't trust their husband with some terrible gargoyle figure, would they? Any housewife. Any housewife. That's not true. I've seen a cross-section of housewives. Have you? Is that a new programme? Spin-off of Desperate Housewives?

Cross-section. Cross-section of housewives. TS section. Starts after the news. It's a different one. It's done by that German surgeon with the hat. Oh, yes, Gunther. That's what he's called.

Whatever happened to him? Did you... Speaking of women, all my suspicions were confirmed this week. Oh, dear. When it said that... There was a thing in the paper that said that women hate coddles. Yes.

One in three women. To be honest, he's very horrible about Orville. I don't like him either. In fact, I think he's gone so far as to say that he hates that dog I mean even that not even choosing to use his name they're in the same work stable saying that woman yeah exactly that's the he knows his name well enough yeah he's deliberately the same cupboard all their lives. In the same suitcase. What, and he doesn't know his name?

That's Coddles being deliberately aloof. And he has that. He has that about him. Isn't he in Orangutan? No, I think he's... No, oh, I'm not sure, actually. Chimpanzee, Orangutan, chimpanzee. I'm trying to find out. I bet he got a rave.

He and Orville, very big faces. AA Gill gave them five stars. Because they did Waiting for God. I don't know if you saw that. Coddles and Orville. Did they? Yeah, it was a bleak production in so many ways.

I've never seen it end with a song before. Apparently women's set makes them hot and uncomfortable. And that's why they don't like it. Are you a cuddler, Frank? And where does Kath stand on cuddling? I'd like to be more. I mean, this was a bed company, wasn't it, that did the things? I can't get anywhere near her.

Oh, dear. There isn't a bigger mattress on the market, and she sleeps at the very far extremity of it. Does she? And she marks the territory with trainer socks. So there's about three trainer socks down the middle of her bed. A sexy divide? Yeah.

Well, not that sexy. Yeah, a sort of grobby divide. A sort of sporty divide. Yeah, but so, you know, don't go past the trainer socks. She will occasionally supplement it with a hot water bottle, like a sandbag at a siege.

I wake up in the night, I reach out for her, and I eat cold rubber. No. Yeah, so she's not... I wouldn't say she was terribly... She even does the thing, if she's asleep... Sometimes in the night, this sounds slightly pathetic, but I'm going to own up.

If I have a bad dream or something, I just want to reassure myself that I'm not on my own. So I'll reach out for her. And just not for a big hug, just slightly touch her elbow or something. And it's like how a chef used to be. The breathing goes a bit... I could almost hear my mum saying,

don't touch his dish! Yeah, she really... She's not... I'm like... What's Mr Laura's view on this? I met Mr Laura. Charmant. I very much like cuddles in bed.

I do get the whole, if it's too hot, but my problem is, I think I feel sorry for my husband because I have incredibly cold feet. And so if he tries, if I try to cuddle up to him, it's like he's hugging frozen planets. That is, yeah. Yeah, and so he gets quite, but's he's i like it i like waking up and being cuddled it's nice have you not tried a bed sock a bed so i don't i did for yeah and

then you get your feet get too hot you wake up in the night too hot but actually um i used to have problems going to sleep and making yourself quite warm is the best way to go to sleep so yeah you see i have a problem guys when When there is a gentleman caller, I have a problem with cuddling because I'm quite little. I'm only five foot three in stocking feet, Laura. So it does mean... Even shorter when you're lying down. Well, exactly. So if the gentleman is over six foot,

it's a bit like a monkey climbing a tree. Do you know what I mean? It's a strange sight. I shouldn't. You just have to move higher. I just want to know what branch you're standing on. Oh, no. The best fruits at the end of the bough, that's what they always say.

That's... So this is an email from John Edwards. And the email says, Hello, comma, I hope that the fact that this is 400-year-old high art literature ribaldry means it is suitable. That sounds good so far. When you were discussing the inappropriateness

of having an ironing board in the Cockerell's Hotel bathroom, Frank suggested toilet paper warmed by a recent ironing might be the ultimate luxury. Oh, I remember that, yeah. 16th century French wag, Rabelais, has a character in his novel Gargantua recommend

the back of a goose's neck. Of course, yeah. In addition to the softness of the goose's down, the warmth of its neck is very pleasant, apparently. Who was Rabelais married to then? I didn't know he was a wag. Yeah, I think he was Gary Lilliker's first wife.

Do you remember they did the va-va-voom? No, no, that wasn't it. Yeah, so, yes, I remember that. It's quite a famous thing in Gargantua, the wiping of the bottom on the goose neck. I bet it honked afterwards. Modern equivalent is Charmin. What's it called? Oh, yeah.

The luxury soft-quilted toilet paper. I don't know if I've seen that. The advert was a big furry bear that goes round the back of a tree. think i don't know whether you might think i don't like the sound of him a bear going around a tree no i mean i know they do it was a car i know they do it in the woods surely as surely as i cling on like a chimpanzee on a tree yes you don't want any clinging on images. No, yes, I'd try a goose, I think. I once tried doing it with an aromatic duck, but it was a shambles. It fell apart in my hands.

It's great, though. I've always said there isn't enough rabelais on this show. And it's one of my favourite wags. Frank, have you heard about the luxury massage? It's not an accusation. It's just, it's, I've heard about it this week, and apparently it's a brand new service that's being offered by this very posh resort in Hawaii.

We're talking a respectable thing. Yeah, exactly. But when you say respectable, it costs $2,000. And here's the best bit. It requires 20 people to perform the massage. Can you imagine? Oh, that sounds... I think I have heard of this. Apparently it's an amazing effect, though.

It better be for $ For 2000 dollars and 20 people I think I tell you what I've heard of this Ant and Dec had it done Didn't they? What together? Did they share the 20? Well they didn't touch Ant at all

Apparently it was All hands on Dec I'm terribly sorry But there are certain things I just have to I have to let them out Yeah I like the idea of all those hands all over me. Do you?

Yeah. And I'm not a massage fan, I must say. No. First massage ever, I've never felt so sick in my life afterwards. Really? You see, that's the thing, is if they're bad at it, which you don't know until they start, then you tense up, so it makes it even worse.

Well, I was lying on the table. I had a red ring around my face. I looked like I'd just taken off scuba diving gear because I had to lie with a hole on the table. I had to lie with my face. You can check they've got feet. I think it's so you can breathe. So I'm lying face down, which is... I don't like lying face down on a hard table i mean there's

no give in anything and my face is against this hole i look like a polar bear on the frozen planet waiting for fish and it was really uncomfortable i really wanted to turn my head to one side but you can't do it in the hole otherwise it just looks like you're listening not in the massage hole no yeah i don't like the massage hall. Don't make me go down the massage hall. I don't like all those people having access to all areas. I'm, believe it or not, Frank, I'm actually reasonably selective about who gets access. Well, I didn't doubt that for a second.

Well, and, but I wouldn't, I would insist, I don't want 20 people. That's, the law of averages suggests one in 20. This has got to be something dodgy. Is it 20 people or 20 hands? The law of averages suggests one in 20. This has got to be something dodgy. Is it 20 people or 20 hands? 20 person. It's 20 people. 40 hands?

That's a lot of hands. If you're not tall, you'd have spare hands. Are they all of the same gender? Are they all men or women? Are they all trained professionals? Are they just people they find on the beach? Anyone could just pitch up there. I don't want Emily doing it with her nails.

Her rubbish nails all over me. I'd like the odd wart. Do you know what I'd worry as well? Out of 20 people, the law of averages, I get very easily irritated by people. Someone's going to be breathing in a funny way or they'll smell of hummus, or there'll be something I don't like. Yeah, but there'll

be such a squitching noise of hands, oily hands, you wouldn't be able to hear anything. How are they going to all fit round? Well, that's what I want. It must be a very long table. I imagine they sort of hold you in the air. Are you on a table? Well, I don't know. I imagine if there's 40

hands on you, you don't need a table. They'd just suspend you. Well, A.A. Gill, that's standard for him, just to do his head. He needs 20. Exactly. He has 20 people into a fly aftershave. With those big painter rollers. Put up those hands on big ad boards.

He gets those Amazonian businessmen into the shave, into the deforestation. I had an exfoliation. There's a place called Champneys, which you may know. Oh, I'm familiar with its work. Which is a health farm place. It is, I mean, which you may know. Oh, I'm familiar with its work. It's a health farm place. It is, I mean, it's very glamorous.

I met Anthea Turner in the shop. A lot of celebs go there. Yeah. And Keith Vaz, the MP. Well, there was what I thought was... You're not selling it. Keith Vaz. I thought there was some sort of earthquake or tremor. I felt this terrible sort of vibration in my lower abdomen.

And I thought, oh no. It was Frank Bruno talking to the dinner lad. The deepest voice. Oh man. So they're all there anyway. And I had this exfoliation, you know when they get all the... I was robbed over with Is it called sloughing?

I don't know what it's... Yes it is. Do you slough dead skin? Do you slough it? Or, um, A.I. Gill has field ploughing. Enough there. I'm starting to feel sorry for A.I. Gill. Can you believe that? So, yeah, they basically rub you over with very rough...

Very good feel. So you've got a good skin anyway, Frank. I think there was eight people, each holding half a house brick. And they went over me, and I was so, honestly, I was so smooth after. Now, you might not know this, Laura, but when I relax in the evenings, I often just wear a pyjama jacket. And on a leather-look sofa, I couldn't get any purchase. I was off. I was on the floor more than I was...

It's like an ice rink. Yeah. And even... It's got quite heavy piping around the edge of the cushions, but it was just like a speed bump. I just went straight over. So as it's this... I've never been so smooth in my life.

So that was nice, but that... I don't know if that was actually a massage. I don't know if you'd call it a massage. When I was on my honeymoon, we paid... When I was on my honeymoon, we paid... When I was on my honeymoon, when we... Where is this going? When we were on our honeymoon, we paid for a...

Part of our package in our lovely hotel was this massage where you're together. It was in Thailand. Oh, yeah. It was lovely. Outside under some shade. But when we went in, the woman came up and said,

put these on. So we changed. And she gave us these two little pants were about made of a sort of tights material but about i'd say 20 dernier so you put them on 20 dernier that's not opaque not opaque no that's no so you put them on and also thai sizes that's thin when they say when they say one size fits all in thailand they mean one size fits all thai size so mean one size fits all Thai size. So we're quite a lot bigger than that. I put them on and I suddenly realised that I couldn't look at either of us,

especially not my husband, because it was just inappropriate. So they're see-through, tiny, tiny. No, they're not see-through, but they're not opaque. OK. You'd wear a long t-shirt over them if you were going to go out nurses tights and so then we had to walk in to and it was the most it was the least the least honeymoon you just it was awful and i couldn't stop laughing for the entire time because i just kept picturing my husband coming out of the cubicle wearing these

which would get him on a list. If you were in any other, if there were children in that hotel, you'd be on a list if you wore those. Yeah. And so he was having a massage while I was just laughing to myself with a woman then, yeah, who kept whispering in a very relaxing tone all the time. What, just to your husband? No, to me.

Because we had one massage. He was having a... So he was on an adjoining table. Yeah, he was having a different type of massage and I was having whatever. You had to pick a massage from the massage menu. And then I just couldn't relax because it was so ridiculous

that we'd have to wear these silly pair of pants. Was there a face hole? Yeah, it was one of those massage tables. Okay. Well, yeah, see, I don't think we're selling massage very well here. I find it... I had deep tissue in Korea. Oh, dear.

I was bruised. Yeah, it's meant to hurt, though. Actually bruised after. I mean, it was like I'd been pinched at school. You know, when the bullies used to pinch you. I was like that after. I'm not paying for that kind of... But if you see bullying, therefore, as a free massage,

isn't that a nice way of justifying it? Yeah, the dead-leg massage. Yeah. Yeah. I like the idea of the bullying massage. You go in and one Thai man kneels down behind you and the other one pushes you over. And then wedges you.

Yeah. Well, that'd be all right. I think I could take a 20-denny, eh? Yeah. or take a 20-day, eh?