The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Noughts and Crosses

Episode Date: September 24, 2011

Frank talks about losing a game of noughts and crosses this weel, Emily shares her celebrity faux pas, and Alun reveals some childhood misconceptions.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. We are Absolute Radio and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. I am Frank Skinner. That's a bit like I am robots. I am Frank Skinner and I'm with Alan Cochran, the cockerel, as we like to call him.

And Emily Dean. Oh, I love that so much. I'm desperate for a kiora now. Like that. You know what it's like. I'm not going to have an SRB. No. Not on my watch.

So, yeah, we're here on Absolute Radio, where we like to be. Morning. The blinds are down, a little bit sleazy. Producer did that earlier. Why are the blinds down? I don't know Anyway, if you want to text us about anything at all You can text us on 81215

The blinds even, if you want to And That's about it so far It's a big day for me, I must say I'm doing my baggies brick I beg your pardon They're going to build A sort of a yellow brick road I must say, I'm doing my baggy's brick. I beg your pardon? Is that all right? They're going to build a sort of a yellow brick road

at West Bromwich Albion Football Club, leading to the club shop at the East Stand. Oh, that's lovely. And everyone's going to name... Well, not everyone, but you have to buy a brick and have your name on it. Oh, how much does a brick cost? Well, I don't know the answer to that.

You've got a comp brick. Well, after the West Bromwich riots, there were quite a few bricks just lying around. So I just grabbed one in the street. But, yeah, so me and Adrian Childs are doing the pre-match thing today when we appear with our respective bricks. There's no way to talk about Cathy. And they'll build a sort of baggy brick road, I think they're going to call it.

Frank, you've already got a star on the Walk of Fame. Oh, no, I'm all over the floor in the West Midlands. I'm not ashamed of that. It's also 25 years since I stopped drinking. 25 years to the day since I had my last drink of alcohol. Not stop drinking. I don't want anyone thinking that it's alright to stop drinking. Dehydrated. Yeah, that'd

be terrible. No, so I haven't had any alcohol for 25 years and do you know what? I still miss it very, very much. Anyone's thinking of giving up, I strongly advise you against it because life's never quite the same. I mean, 25 years enough is enough!

You can tell how exciting one's life becomes when you stop drinking. Earlier this week, I mean, I've been absolutely rushed off my feet just lately. Earlier this week, I was playing noughts and crosses. Was it 1948? No, I was playing with a friend and work colleague, and I hadn't played noughts and crosses for some considerable time. It began with a story which I've told on the show previously

about the fact that I knew a guy who was an air steward, and, yeah, you know, it was just a phase. And he told me that he'd been on a plane with Posh and Becks, and they'd asked for a pen and paper and they'd done a few tattoo designs and also they'd played quite a lot of Noughts and Crosses and I thought, what kind of idiots play Noughts and Crosses? It always ends in a draw, always, always, always. Anyway, I played this week and was beaten.

Oh, thank. And, yes, it was a blow. There'll be people listening, cynics, thinking, yeah, you're only telling this because it's the voting opens for Sports Personality of the Year. And you're trying to get yourself in as a... But I was really gutted. I thought, you can't lose.

And then suddenly I saw that I'd left two options where wherever I put my nought, he was going to put it in a set cross. Yeah, it was... And he was... The problem was he was so elated. He made me sign it and he signed it. And we had to put in brackets after our names

what symbol we'd been using. No. And then he photographed that. I imagine that's all over the internet. He sounds a bit mental. No, no, he was... You know, he's an enthusiast. Who plays noughts and crosses with an adult, though? Well, who plays it at all?

Yeah, yeah. Well, children play it because they haven't realised it. Do they still play it? I suppose they do. I suppose they're the target market for getting it. I wouldn't let my children play if I had to draw. I wouldn't. It's too negative.

Both a nought and a cross. Both negative symbols. Yeah, yeah. You bet that you're either a cross or a zero, aren't you? Yeah, it's not. I mean, it's exactly... There's no status. My children are going to play ticks and ampersands. Some suggestion of approval and something that's been added

rather than just minused all the time. There'll be people who play Sudoku listening to this thinking, what's happening to the world? But try it. It's not as easy as it sounds, Noughts and Crosses. I'm thinking... Was it best of three, Frank? Because that's normally what you have to do, isn't it?

I don't have that kind of time on my hands. It's a bit of a busy week, isn't it? It has, yeah. I mean, I have to squeeze in Noughts and Crosses where I can. to do, isn't it? I don't have that kind of time on my hands. It's a bit of a busy week, isn't it? I have to squeeze in noughts and crosses where I can. To be honest, I was loathe to play, because if I'd lost two games... It was like when

a big team plays a smaller team in the Carling Cup or something, they're a bit complacent. It was because I was thinking, if Posh and Becks can play this, how can I be anything other than a winner? You know, pride came before a fall and it served me right.

I don't feel good about it. I'll be honest with you. Anyway, if you've got any noughts and crosses, reminiscences, text us on 81215 and we'll speak to you after this. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That's Blur, Country House.

Is that the name of the bot, or is that country something else? Country Life. Country Life, yeah. Yeah, of course. I'll tell you who'd know that, Alex James, wouldn't he? Oh, of course, he's the cheese man. Oh, God, does he ever shut up about it? Honestly, we know.

We know now. You make your own cheese. Why don't you try staying in your farm and making it and shut up about it on the telly all the time? He's gone a bit smug, Alan. Oh, God, you're not kidding. He's gone very smug. How do you go from being in, like, the biggest Britpop sensation ever to doing

cheese and become smog. Surely you have to lose your smog. Tell you what, I've played the Comedy Store and we've got a plum tree on the allotment, but I don't never shut up about it, do I? Have you got a plum tree on the allotment? Yes, we have. We've got a plum tree. I wouldn't make that up for Coon.

I'm going to turn up at that allotment one day. I will. And do what? I don't know, I just like the idea. Is it like a royal visit? Like when the Queen opens a garden centre? You would be the most glamorous at that allotment one day. I will. And do what? I don't know. I just like the idea. Is it like a royal visit? Like when the Queen opens a garden centre? You would be the most glamorous on that allotment. I'm going to go there one night.

I'm going to take out a small set of tweezers, remove all the stones from the plums, and replace them with Diamante clasps. Oh, that would be good. Imagine then when you eat that plum, you think, oh, what's happened here? Hold on a minute, I've got one as well. Imagine the confusion.

I can imagine the dental work that that might lead to. Well, yeah, I hadn't thought about that. When someone puts a coin in a Christmas pud, wouldn't it? Looking back, the whole idea was reckless. I'm glad we nipped it in the bud. I'm sorry to have suggested it. Frank, we've had a lot of texts and emails in about noughts and crosses on absolute 1940s i think we could bring down the british gaming industry to its knees because everyone

will just get a pen and paper instead it's much cheaper than a Theft Auto. And you can play your own music in the background. That's a good point. Julius, however, says it's a flawed game. If you start, you can always win. Is that right? Well, that's according to Julius. I suppose Julius has an advantage from having lived for hundreds of years with the name Julius.

That's great. That's not a modern name, is it, Julius? He's obviously got some kind of reincarnation trip going on. You don't think it's the Et Tu Brute? I don't know what the Et Tu Brute is. That's what Julius Caesar said when Brutus arrived with the other

conspirators. It was his last words, darling. Heights of March and all that. Now listen, we've got also from Felicity. I was playing Noughts and Crosses with the five-year-old I babysit the other day. Without me letting her, she won. Complacency is a killer in Noughts and Crosses.

It is. I think that's one thing we've all learnt this morning. It really is. Yeah. That you've got to take every game on its merit. When it comes to Noughts and Crosses, to be a champion, you have to think like a challenger. Oh, yeah, yeah. Play the game, not the occasion exactly all these i mean it's full of cliches the world of noughts and

crosses as we know i haven't got a noughts and crosses story but i think i will then get out i forgot i didn't realize it was part of the remit i was once um banned from the school chess club for fighting that's pretty rock and roll, isn't it? Were you fighting on the chessboard or with your fists? No, fighting. Fighting a physical fight in Merfield High School. But did it begin with the chess game or was it separate? The pawns must have gone everywhere.

It began with some upset. Yeah, I think there was... I mean, there was no claret. It was just fisticuffs. But then the cockerel got a ban. Cock fighting? Did you have them big spurs? Oh, no, I hate them big spurs.

No, but was it an argument about the chess game? I like the idea of someone getting so... It was my chip on my shoulder, I didn't really fit. Were you a difficult kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should never have been allowed in the chess club, let's face it. Maybe, but... It was always going to end in trouble.

Perhaps they were trying to rehabilitate me. Maybe. It's a good game, though, chess. I've never been able to play backgammon. Can you play backgammon? No. No, I don't. It's too pointy, the board.

Right. Board pattern, far too pointy. I don't like it. There's not enough going on. It's too plain, that board. Oh, really? Yeah. Also, I don't really want to get into anything

that's championed by Omar Sharif. Do you think that generally? Is he big into backgammon? Oh, God, he's the king of backgammon, Omar. Is he? Omar Sharif, as a guy I work with used to call him. I said that, um, Omar Sharif on the telly the other night. I mean, we were all guessing who that could be.

We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. Kids. MGMT. Speaking of tea... Yes? Um, the cockerel is getting ever more starry every week

He ordered tea this morning By referencing his own Tan leather jacket He said can I have it this colour That's a slight misrepresentation Is it? That's exactly what happened It's not quite

I would have thought you'd have been More circumspect with being taken out of context this week yourself. Why? Because of my anti-AQs. What could you possibly be referring to, Alan? I might have. They don't like it up them. Can you blame them?

Some of them might. I don't know. Anyway, it was in a conversation about the colour of tea. Well, can I just say in Alan's defence, you weren't happy with the colour of your tea, Frank, initially. Well, that's true. No, that's true. It was too dark. I gave some advice.

I just said, don't make it the colour of the Nana and Benidorm. Make it more like Alan's jacket. Yes. Oh, so you started the Alan's jacket. And he jumped aboard it, don't you worry. See, Alan's jacket is more... Do you remember Caramac? Does it say Caramac?

It's quite like Caramac. It is very Caramac. Very buttery tan shade. It's a bargain from tea to the care to the MEXX. Is it really? Yeah, I don't mind telling you, yeah. Frank, why did you stop drinking? Not my question.

Of course, you know, i was just wondering exactly that the question of 547 oh okay well i'll tell you 547 i've been asking myself that for many many years why did i stop and indeed why don't i start again big question i think if i had to put it down first of the mattress was full. It's like a waterbed. Yeah. I tried siphoning it off. But, and secondly, I didn't like those little bits of white stuff in the corners of my mouth, first thing in the morning.

Don't like that. I'll get that. Yeah. You all right, Emily? Yeah. Yeah, so that's my best. But it's a big question. Like I say, I'm very much not recommending it.

OK. Right. Sometimes reality has got some pretty ragged, sharp edges on it. I don't know if you find that. Oh, yeah. What, the Games of Norton Crosses? Well, that. See?

In the old days, I'd have gone out and gone absolutely blasted after that. I'd have been sitting in a court... You know in a film when there's a bloke who's just been dumped sitting at the end of a bar? Like in a Western. Yeah, I'd have been sitting there saying, maybe if I'd been crosses, maybe that would have... Maybe... I don't know.

It just seemed so easy and the next thing I knew I was cornered. Well, yeah, we've worked out, we've established, haven't we? It's all about... You've got to start with the corners. Well, Sarah, who've worked out, we've established, haven't we? It's all about you've got to start with the corners. Well, Sarah, who makes the rubbish tea on this programme. Oh, Sarah! But who's still a bit of a know-all when it comes to Norton Cross. She says, if you

go first, you should never, ever lose at Norton Cross. It should be possible. As long as you do the right things and you go first, you can't lose. So it's the corners, isn't it? And the other guy went things and you go first, you can't lose. It's the corners, isn't it? And the other guy went, he did go first, so maybe he was making like he was a nonchalant, oh, we'll have a game.

Maybe he's a... He was a hustler. Maybe he plays regularly. He could be a league player for all I know. Noughts and crosses hustled. Embarrassing. Yeah, it is. It's a horrible way to go, almost. Frank, we've had an email in which I'd like to share with you.

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan this is a little bit of a childhood idiotic eureka moment but falls more into the... I should explain actually for newly an idiotic eureka moment is something that you don't get for years and years and years and then it suddenly strikes you. An example

being sooty and sweep someone sent in. It never occurred to me sooty and sweep as in chimney sweep. It never occurred to me sooty and sweep, as in chimney sweep. It never occurred to that person. I think for all of us it was an idiotic eureka moment. Yeah. Probe continue. This falls more into the category of irrational fears

that you have before you're old enough to realise how life works. I used to be very worried about going to prison. I would think about how much I really wouldn't like it, assuming that everyone went to prison at some point in their lives. Is this from Pete Doherty? OK. Once they were grown up. She thought everyone?

She thought that was part of life. Some families it is. I think it wasn't until I was at least a teenager that I suddenly realised that as long as I didn't do anything bad, I wouldn't actually go to prison. Well, that's optimistic. Yes, exactly. What about the many, many miscarriages of justice?

Carry on. Did any of you have similar childhood misconceptions? That's from Kelly. Well, Kelly, I never had anything that stupid. But I... No, it's a joke. I did think I was... Before I went to school, I couldn't read.

You know, I know some kids are taught by their parents, but I wasn't. And I remember reading Rupert Bear with my mum. Now, I don't know if you remember Rupert Bear, but they didn't employ the speech bubble, the Rupert Bear, but they didn't imply the speech bubble, the Rupert Bear people. What they would do, they would have Rupert in some

sort of situation. Off in a field. Yeah, whatever he was doing, sometimes he'd be in the house with what looked like a panda with anorexia. I never worked out what that thing was. Anyway, Rupert Bear,

all the text would be underneath the picture. So you'd get a picture and then a block of text underneath. So I couldn't read. So my mum used to read it to me. And then one day she said, why don't you read it? You know, just messing about, little kid. And I started reading, you know, Rupert Bear went into the forest, you know, saying whatever, and saw, you know, that panda creature. And I said, is that what it says?

And she said, yes. I said, well, that's what it says? And she said, yeah. And I thought, well, this is much easier than I thought. So obviously she was just humouring me, but I spent some time thinking that reading was basically just intuitive. Making up. Yeah.

That, you know, I could just feel it. I could just feel what it said. And I honestly thought, that's it, I can read. It's as easy. And I do it with all sorts of books. And it wasn't until I came head on to phonetics that I got into that. We should carry on with this i'd like to know what our listeners what what misconceptions um i have a just to remind it my my i've just been passed a note

by my producer that says what childhood conceptions did our listeners have well this is this is broken britain isn't it we We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Frank, we've had some texts in about childhood conceptions slash misconceptions. Let's keep it at misconceptions. 722, while growing up, I thought the Fonz and Danny from Grease was the same actor. I can see it. I can see it arrive at that.

I reckon the Fonz was probably... Was he lifted from the Grease character, do you think? I don't know, but he was about 48, wasn't he? I like that. I still have the same thing with Roy Hodgson and Harry Redknapp. They're two peas in a pod, aren't they? Do you think so? I think Roy Hodgson looks like he's made out of old bits of Harry Redknapp.

That's what I think. If Harry Redknapp is a sort of a plasticine figure, Roy Hodgson is the leftovers all melded together. That's my theory. I don't know if I can accept this criticism of the West Bromwich Albion manager. What about me and Nigel Clough? That was my male looky-likey when I was growing up. Really?

Someone said that to me. Not the most insulting, but one of them. A guy said to me, oh yeah, you remind me a bit of Nigel Plath. Can't really see it. I hope that wasn't in the very midst of passion. No. He never made it that far.

No, right. Well, the move to Liverpool was a mistake. Anyway, we don't talk about football. No. We'll be stepping on righty's toes. I say the toes of righty. That's what we'll be stepping on.

I did that once at a premiere. We've had another text in from Damien in Felixstone. Hola, Frank and Co. Oh, Spanish, early on. I just assumed that the world used to be in black and white because of old films etc being in black and white well i've heard this i didn't think anyone actually believed that but i've heard that said before i don't know about this might be a misconception i still carry on am i right or am i wrong that dogs only see in black and white

oh is that true well that's what i've always heard. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, our listeners will tell us. I don't know how we would know that, though. I mean, it's not like they're ever describing anything to you and they just only... No, but you could test them on stuff. How? You could test them on stuff.

Well, I must say, I have seen them stop at a traffic light. But only to urinate on it, to be fair. No, I've always heard that to be true. I might have discovered a misconception. I remember having a debate, I think it was with... Anyway, about the fact... You know those pictures you get of dogs playing snooker? Oh, yeah.

That'd be a long game. You don't want to be playing snooker in monochrome. Well, I'm a bit colourblind. I'm quite colourblind. And every now and again, playing snooker, I'll be staring at the brown thinking, is this red or brown? Under certain light, I can really get confused. Oh, poor me.

Have you been... True. Have you been eating dog food on the quiet? I wonder if you could... Anyway, there'll be someone in there, because I find there is a there is one of our listeners um as i often refer to you uh our listeners as yugel because you just know everything between you you know everything in the world there is to know

so someone will know where the dogs can see in only seeing black and white see i sort of grew up just assuming everyone dabbled with lsd at some point in their lives yeah there was a reason for that yeah isn't it yes i i can see that i did think though in pools i did think if you went into a pool that i think i'd seen that james bond film where the shark came out i thought that was sort of all pools that would have there was a shark underneath and then it was just a sort of russian roulette thing that you either got out or you didn't. Right. All swimming, all masses of water had to shark. There was a facility for a shark to come out. You see, in Langley Bats, I just assume it wouldn't get past the excrement. But it would go down before that with some sort of terrible pollution.

Yeah, well, I had that thing. I remember talking about this vaguely on, I think think it was have i got news for you i was on and i used to have a stick on steering wheel which my mom bought me and i used to have it on the boss i mean she'd stick it on the back of a chair and i was um i was 38 i'd had a breakdown no i was when i was a kid and i honestly thought i was i really thought i was steering the boss great and when i used to get off the boss i used to look slightly contemptuously, you know, at the driver, sitting there with his hands on the wheel and think, yeah, dream on. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Sing, sing, sing. That sounded like someone calling the register in a Mumbai primary school. That was a sing by... Oh, did they let you read the moment? It wasn't I. We've had a good text in from 534. I think we can call him or her. Oh, no, it's a him. Paul.

I think we're familiar enough now. You had the name, but you eschewed it. I went for the number. I hadn't read to the end of his text. Oh, well, it's a him, Paul I think we're familiar or not now You had the name but you eschewed it I went for the number I hadn't read to the end of his text Oh well that's wrong It's about me so I drifted off towards the end Alan, the snooker player Peter Ebdon suffered the same colour blindness And would sometimes foul by hitting the brown instead of a red

Sounds like an excuse Yeah, exactly Yeah Yeah, Peter Ebdon I remember I'm pretty sure it was Peter Ebdon Did he live in Dubai? Yeah, tax. Yeah. Yeah, Peter Hebden, I remember. I'm pretty sure it was Peter Hebden. Did he live in Dubai? Yeah, tax exile. Was he?

I think it was because... I like the way you jumped in there, slightly judgmental. I saw him interviewed, and there was two things that stuck in my mind. They said, who's your closest friend in Snooker? And he says, well, I've got a wife and four kids, so I don't really need any friends. And I thought, that's an interesting... Mm-hm.

..that the idea that they sort of replace as their... Oh, that's it? Four kids? I don't think I need any friends. And favourite food, steak, which puts me off anyone in any Q&A. Really? Why? Even though I like steak, favourite food... I think... Have a bit of a bigger think about it. Mm. Steak. LAUGHTER Come on, Peter. Even though I like steak, favourite food, I think, have a bit of a bigger think about it.

Steak. Come on, Peter. And also, he wouldn't know if it was well done or rare. No, he wouldn't. This stupid colourblind thing. What do you mean stupid? I don't have a go at everything colourblind. Pardon? Can I call it stupid colourblind?

No, but... It's an affliction. Also, life has dealt him one of those blows, hasn't it? Because he's one of those bald men that used to have a ponytail. No, but... It's an affliction. Also, life has dealt in one of those blows, hasn't it? Because he's one of those bald men that used to have a ponytail. Oh, did he? Still got it, apparently.

It's a very sneaky play of the ponytail. It's on a wooden plaque. That would be great, wouldn't it? Yeah. There's my old ponytail that I had when I...

In his Dubai home. If you did that, if you cut off your ponytail and put it on a wooden plaque on the wall, would it go grey as you got older? No! It wouldn't go grey? No, of course it wouldn't. Well, this is the secret, isn't it?

The secret is to shave your head, have your hair made into a wig, and then just put it on every morning. You'd never go grey. Yeah, you could put your own ponytail back on. Does anyone know Figo's home address? I'll drop him a line. Frank, we've had another text in.

This is from Gavin, who says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. What is the too loud screensaver that keeps popping up in front of Frank's screen in the studio? Oh, this is one of our webcam people. If you're watching now, what's he called? He's called Gavin. Gavin. If you watch now, Gavin, you'll see of our webcam people. If you're watching now, what's he called? He's called Gavin. Gavin.

If you watch now, Gavin, you'll see it doesn't work. Yeah, sometimes if I'm too loud, it's not working now. A thing comes up and says to me, too loud. It came up one morning when I was wearing an Hawaiian shirt. That's how sensitive it is. I was going to say, if he's watching on the webcam, he can see what colour his T-shirt be from my jacket. Yeah, exactly.

It flashes up various things, the Absolute Console. Too boisterous. There's too loud. Look, just went up there. Too tentative, I once got. Sometimes it comments on the clothes I'm wearing. Too low-cut. Yes, well, I was saying that to the cockerel earlier. But we don't. No, you're not. Not today today i'm all trussed up like a turkey today frank we've got four five nine this

is we're talking about childhood misconceptions of course um until i was nine or ten i thought everybody died aged 100 until i told me wouldn't it well then this is k she says until i told a friend of mine who was three days older than me that they would die three days before me. That's Kay and Bethnal Green. Right. We've also... They'd have thought it was going to be one of these

and then turned the gun on himself, wouldn't they? Three days later. Do you think the Queen would bother with the telegrams if everybody died at 100? No, probably not. It'd just be too general, wouldn't it? Surely there's some kind of corny joke about they die at 111.

Ill. Well, doesn't matter. Let's see if there is. That's this morning's comedy workshop. Yeah, absolutely. And now it's time for the Cockerels Comedy Workshop. That'd be a great regular feature, wouldn't it? Where we give them the bare bones.

Oh, God. Have a joke. Not the chicken bones. I can tell you my childhood misconception. Do it. I used to read a lot of Enid Blyton. I don't know if you remember. This is not going to be something about race.

No, no. Just checking that out. It's not going to be something about race. No, no. Just checking that out. It's not going to be something about the boy that met them on the station platform. You know, the books that I read particularly had sort of her autograph on the front. Oh, yeah, I remember that, yeah. Walt Disney style. Yeah, yeah. And I genuinely remember being surprised that Enid Blyton was a woman writer,

because it's not a name that I'd encountered. Yeah, Enid, are you? Yeah, and they're all sort of boys and their adventures stories, even though there's girls and a dog in it. But I remember thinking, Enid Blyton is the name of a woman, and being genuinely surprised that it's a woman writer. I can see that. Now you come to mention it, there's not that many Enids about.

Not these days, no. I'm thinking I might revamp that. And a woman racist, it turns out. Yeah, but maybe that's why it fell out. You don't get many Adolfs. Yes. Racism can kill a Christian named Rydolf. Yeah, yeah.

I had the same thing recently when I found out that Dick Francis used to be a jockey. You didn't know that? No, I didn't. Well, I walked right into that like it was an articulated lorry that they'd left the ramp down on because they were in the house putting the furniture in place. My mother used to cash cheques at the off-licence. This is back in the 70s. And I genuinely thought she used to go to Mr Hannigan. She'd go, I need to get some money,. And I genuinely thought she used to go to Mr Hannigan.

She'd go, I need to get some money, darling. We're going to have to go to Mr Hannigan. And she'd cash a cheque. So I thought that's where you got money. I thought the off-licence was like a bank. I genuinely thought that. So I told her, just go to the off-licence. Oh, Mr Hannigan.

I like the sound. I'm like, lovely, there's a Miss Hannigan, isn't there, in Annie? And anything about Annie brings a tear to my eye. It's a hard not lie for us. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. I forgot she existed.

That was Alanis Morissette. I'd forgotten she was quite so angry. No, she had a cob on for a while, but she's got over it now. Did she? She certainly got out of the bed on the wrong side that morning, didn't she? It's ironic, isn't it? I always thought she was very attractive. Yeah.

She was. She played God in a movie. What was that? She did. Did she? Someone on that. Again, Alice Did she? Someone on there. Again, Alice, there's no everything. The bugle.

I'm surprised I haven't got Figo's home address come through. I've been waiting. You were asked. I don't encourage that sort of thing, surely. Thank you very much. Oh, that wasn't... Sorry, I was just thinking that my tea arriving. How's the colour?

It's all right, actually. Yeah? I'd say it was... Yeah. OK. I'd say it was lime aero. Oh, yeah. I've got you.

Can you still get lime aeros? Oh, I hope so. Lovely. Lovely confections. Frank, there's news of things Wynnerian. Ah, well, we always like Wynnerian news. We speak, of course, of Michael Wiener. Yes. The great film director.

Is he a friend of the show? Would we say a friend of the show? Oh, I wish. We keep an eye on his activities. Yeah, I think it's more like Badger Watch. We watch him through a night sight on a regular base. I've had many happy hours with him. Me and him always seem to get sat next together at big do's.

Well, that's when he said to you, ask Marlon Brando. Exactly. I should phone Marlon Brando about my Laurel and Hardy thing. He's full of fun, Michael Winner. So, anyway, it's been a big week is what you call jolly actually he's not jolly anymore because he lost a load of weight didn't he um he's finally got married frank he was it was on and off he's well he says it's taken uh 55 years

the relationship's been on and off for 55 years yeah he's finally tied the knot brilliant he's 75 i quite like i like a late wedding though i do that's quite like that well it is i know but i'm getting to the stage in life where i'm not quite 75 yet but it is the sort of second weddings the second marriage there's lots of the women like a white trouser suit forgiving white trouser suit and the men look anxious well i'm moving to the Michael Wynne thing where you're thinking cheap nursing is one of your big motivations for them. One thing I thought about the white trouser suit, I mean, she looked very lovely, the wife.

It's nice that he was marrying someone nearer to her. I imagined it would be someone 19, but obviously that would be difficult with a 55-year relationship. But she looked very nice. But I think if one of you are going to spray tan, you have to both join in. Because he was very spray tanned, and she was just... It looked like...

At first I thought it was a section of a Blackpool scarf. Because she was very white and he was very orange, and I thought that was wrong. I bet when she turned up, she said, Oh, why didn't you tell me? I bet there was a bit of one of their first marriage raps or pre-marriage raps. I've only got two bits of style advice for her. Watch the shiny tights.

Also, a bit of overhang on the engagement ring, just with the skin area. You've got to be a bit careful. Oh, really? What a wedding ring muffin. Yes. Never heard of one of those before. Watch the shiny tights was some advice that my doctor gave me a while ago.

Actually, no, I've misheard. I like this. I like this story. I do think the 55 years of being with somebody and then getting married, it does smell of inheritance tax avoidance somehow. That's another possibility. Oh, do you know, I hadn't thought of that. Sorry, I've taken the sheen off.

You've ruined it for me. What was a romantic day out for all concerned. Can I just ask, when they look back at their wedding photos in a couple of years' time, will he say, I'm brown, dear? I had to get one of those in. Someone surely must have said that on the day. There must have been a calm down. Probably the vicar.

When there was an awful impediment moment. You get the old Anglican vicar who comes in with a bit of a gag. Actually, I don't know if it was in a civil partnership. No. It was a registry office. It was a civil partnership. What was that? It was a...

Oh, yeah, it was Chelsea Registry Office, yeah. Oh, OK. The last time we talked about him, he was putting his house on the market because the light bulbs were so expensive. And now he's getting married in a registry office. Yeah, he's gone into a big sort of whirlwind. He's a thrifty winner.

I like there was only two other people at the wedding and it was Michael and Shakira Cain. Of course. I suppose he thinks if you've got them, you don't really need anybody else. That's great. Booking, though. The thing is, he's

the biggest name dropper in the world, so he probably would only invite people who'd be really impressive names to drop yeah yeah no one else probably quite my i'd have gone i don't just they could have picked the collar up front i'd have i'd have gone slight sadness in your eyes there that you feel overlooked i'd have gone well let's face it we're not going to get a second stab at the Michael Winner wedding. I'll let that go. But, yeah, and also, I was on QI last night, and I watched the very end of it, because I like to watch myself, and I forgot that it was...

Do you remember when I got spray-tanned for... Yeah. I've never seen Star Wars. One of the things I got... It's the five things you've never done before, and one of them was spray-tanned, and I forgot that I'd done it the day I did QI. I looked absolutely ludicrous.

Did you look Craig Revel Hallward levels? Oh, post. More Imran Khan. Oh, man, I've never... I thought you looked very handsome. I hope anyone wasn't watching and thought that was just me being the normal... Because the make-up woman said to me, I'm going to have to take the edge off that.

I don't want people thinking it was me. And I still looked... She's never worked again. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. We're just talking about Michael Winner's wedding. We are. We were. One of the thingsner's wedding. We were.

One of the things I noticed, they listed some of his ex-girlfriends, and one of them says ex-Hills Angel Lorraine Doyle. And I thought, they're a dying breed now, aren't they, the Hills Angels? They're a bit like, you know on Remembrance Day, you used to get the World War I survivors, and they got less and less. And I wonder who will be the hills angels harry patch the last one who remains such a sort of special thing they all had good name the rain is a very hills angel name i think babs because there are no world war one veterans left they should they should replace them with hills angels i think this this this one be quite a quick parade though wouldn't it very very jerky quick parade

he pulled well though michael winner throughout his life i'm not suggesting he's passed i'm just saying he's done well for himself no he's um jenny seagrove lovely he's done some i'll tell you one of one of the things i never understood is when um they decommissioned michael winner's true crimes i don't remember Michael. Oh, it's awesome! I'm assuming it was a programme rather than a chapter of his life that I'm unaware of. It was like a drama that

recreated a crime from history. He sort of introduced it. It would begin with him in like a velvet spoken jacket sitting in a chair with a large book and he'd say stuff like they say hell hath no fury

like a woman scorned that was certainly the case for Helen Witherspoon on the 17th of January 1948 and then it would go into the oh man, it was brilliant such as the Alfred Hitchcock presents

I suppose we've all said to a loved one i could just strangle you you know where it's going we know where it's going michael with that opening spoiler alert they started going a bit too recent that was what happened they got complaints oh oh oh i see he's stomping around upstairs. Can you hear? It's awful. They can't hear at home. They don't want to know what's going on upstairs. No, I know, but I found it so distracting.

I'm sorry. Shut up. 633. I've just had an internal phone call to say that a large space satellite has landed on the fourth floor. But not to mention it. Frank 633. There's a dead dog in it, apparently. Oh, no, it's Laika.

It must be Sputnik 2, after all these years. 633, in an effort to reduce the ring finger muffin, did Winner say, palms down, dear? I like that. I think I did palm down, dear, the other week, but I like it in its new context. I like it. They're reusable, the calm down, dear like it. Yeah, they're reusable, the Calm Down Deer derivatives.

Yeah, they've got... They're very versatile. Also, Frank, you were asking which movie did Alanis Morissette play God in in a slight sort of egghead's turn the programme took. Yeah. And the answer is Dogma 119 073 381 059. All Dogma. Yeah, Brilliant.

And I should say, on the subject of things sent to the show, we had a brilliant thing sent in this week, which was a... What was it called? It was from Jonathan and Godalming, and it was called a mind map. Yes, and it's a mind map of the three of us, really. Yeah. So there's references to things like our Keith. Yeah.

And... Shep. Yeah, and InStyle magazine and... Whippets. Yeah, Whippets. We've all been joined together with our various things. It's hard to... We should put it on the...

Can we put it on the website? Yeah, we can put it on the website. I think it's a work of art. I do. It's great. I don't know how to follow it, really. It's just a discussion of it seems to have left me a bit of an impasse somebody has texted in saying yes we can hear the stomping well they

can hear the stomping there you go you're quite right to chuck your fit yeah but that could just be tanya snogs texting from the room next door doesn't quite count quite the same. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank, I need to share with you, I had my worst kind of altercation this week. It was... Bare-knuckle boxing again. No. We'll talk about that next week.

It was a celebrity-based one. OK. You know I don't like to get on the wrong side of celebrities. Well, no. I know. But it does happen. And this week, I went to a party. based one okay you know i don't like to get on the wrong side of celebrities well now i know but it does happen and this week i went to a party actually it was so bad it was so bad the altercation i did what i call my arthritic claw no the claw went off yeah the claw it's a kind of strained bird's

claw isn't it movement to represent my discomfort well i suppose all the tension in your body yeah it goes into the clothes into It goes into the claw. So I was at, it was the St Pancras Hotel. Lovely. They've refurbished it. Lovely. Is that right? Yeah.

Very swell. There was a champagne bar or something there, isn't there? Yes. Oh, this is all over my head, I must say. Well, this was a very, it was a posh party. Yes. What was the occasion? Are you allowed to say?

Yeah, I think it was for Wallpaper magazine, which is a posh kind of design interiors magazine. I've seen it on the racks. And I get introduced to this guy. Sturdy, sturdy paper it's printed on. Very sturdy. Very sturdy. It's almost card. Yeah. If you were interested in papier-mâché,

you'd be going straight to that, wouldn't you? Well, I don't know. It takes some soaking. Papier-mâché, you'd be going straight to that, wouldn't you? Well, I don't know. It'd take some soaking. Papier-mâché, I'd go cheap stuff, hence the word pulp, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah. But, no, that stuff, you could be waiting a fortnight. It's funny you should mention pulp. I could knock together a masonette with the pages of Wallpaper magazine. But I'd be perfectly happy with... Pray continue.

So, I get introduced to this guy. He's got the sort of bleached hair and the skinny jeans, the iconography of the pop star. Oh, yeah. And as I'm talking to him, I'm thinking, oh, I think I know who you are. I think you're that man, Mr Hudson. Do you remember him?

What, from Upstairs Downstairs? No! It's not how I remember him. I remember him as a sandy-haired Scots gentleman. Not Gordon Jackson. Oh, Gordon Jackson. No, he wasn't there. He's no longer with us.

This is Mr Hudson. Do you know who he is, Alan? No. Oh, God. Can I just say, I feel bad, though, for any Jacko fans listening who didn't know Gordon Jackson had passed on. They've just got it like that suddenly on a Saturday morning. I don't think they could consider themselves Jacko fans.

That's a different group. Well, he's quite... Should we even say he's gone as well? They're dropping like flies, the Jacko fans. That's a different group. Well, he's quite... Should we even say he's gone as well? They're dropping like flies, the Jacksons. Carry on. So, he's quite a sort of trendy and famous pop star. I bet any of the producers heard of him. There you go.

Who is he? He's called Mr Hudson. Google it. It was Mr Hudson. I've never heard of him. Well, I wasn't sure, Frank, either. I wasn't 100% sure. And I thought, I know.

What I'll do is ask him vague questions so I can establish. What's his genre? What's his genre? Emma, what would you describe his genre as? Dance. Dance? Dance. Dance pop.

Poppy dance. Poppy dance. Let's go with that. A bit of indie. Oh, it's him that does the poppy dance. That, yeah, opium-fuelled zigzagging across the dance floor we're all so familiar with. OK, Mr Hodson. So, I think it's him, but I wasn't 100%.

How old is Mr Hodson? Why are you so obsessed by Mr Hodson? Well, I guess I've never heard of him before. I would say 30, I'm going to go 32. OK. I'm guessing that. The listeners will know who he is, trust me. I wasn't quite sure.

So I start sort of asking him questions where i can establish who he is i say oh what are you up to that sort of thing that's always good yeah favorite food steak i bet mr hodgson's favorite food isn't i bet he likes a tiger prawn and i don't know who he is but i'm just like for us for us from his description he says if he's wearing skinny jeans i imagine he exists entirely on Pop-Tarts, all the empty calories. He's just, you know... Well, yeah, after a life of opium dancing.

He's a terrible kid dancing. Anyway, so... So he starts talking about buildings and architecture and we're at this kind of design party and I think, oh, I've got it wrong. He's obviously some big architect or something. He didn't defile the Hodgson's home, the well-known Catholic charity. I'm intrigued now. I thought I got it wrong he's obviously some big architect or something he didn't defile the hodson's home well-known catholic charity i'm intrigued i thought i got it wrong so i thought oh maybe

he's an architect he's one of those trendy so i said oh that sounds interesting he said yeah you know it's um um he was mentioning name checking all these buildings so i thought well i'm going to go in there i just said so what project are you working on at the moment yeah fair enough and he said well i'm doing up the kitchen but after that I hope to have another album out. And I think he was a bit offended because he thought I was suggesting he was a builder. I wasn't suggesting that. I didn't think that.

Well, I think he was. Do you think he was wrong? See, I would say that you picked exactly the right neutral sentence. What project could be an album? Yes, that's what I thought. And it could be a building project. And then the bubble landlord turned up. It a building project I remember I did a project on The fishing industry in Scandinavia

In geography Could have been that if he'd gone back into education He might be doing an open university module He might well have said I'm doing my dissertation on Oxbow Lakes But that's not the point We're here for the architecture I thought it was the right thing to do, it didn't work

You were innocent there Well the pub landlord turned up after that Was it Al Murray? He stuck his size Not his gaff, so therefore not his rules on this occasion He stuck his size 11s in it, he made it worse Did he, what did he say?

He said, oh don't worry, I confided in him discreetly that I was having arthritic claw moment He said, oh don't worry, I had to give him an award at the Brits. And I said, I don't know who this guy is. He made it worse. Yeah, but that's probably, if you're brash like that, it's probably all right with him. And, you know, it probably took as a joke.

He styled it out, Al. Mr. Hudson probably thought, well, he does really, but he's just acting the goat. Yeah, Al wouldn't let it lie. As you say, it was his gaffe, his rules. Yeah. Well, I need to find out more about Mr. Hudson because I feel we've got off on the wrong foot.

We all do. Yeah. Come here, take having a go at my friends. Mr. H, as I like to call him. Step to him. Yeah. Well, I'm going to Google him. We are Absolute Radio

and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. 520, Frank has texted in. Yes. You were talking about Figo earlier. Yeah, Figo, in case you don't know, he's doing an advert at the moment. It used to be called Grecian 2000, stuff that you put to stop you going... Not called that anymore.

It was a company name with a certain pessimism added to it. They obviously didn't think it was going to last that long. I like the classical reference there. Yeah. But yeah, but 2000 is just a bit... Let's all meet up for some Greek 2000. That's what they should have used as their advert. Anyway, he's advertising not having grey hair.

And this is 520 says, my partner is Swedish and she tells me Figo lives in the north of Sweden in a place called Solleftea in the summer months with his Swedish wife and kids. Lovely. I'm trying to get in touch with Figo at the moment about my new method I've come up with.

And he lives in Sweden. Lovely. Apparently so. I bet there's no snow on Figo's roof. I bet he dyes it the same colour as the thatch. That would be good if he had a heated black roof. All the other houses just with snow on them. That's Figo's house, isn't it?

Yeah, all the pigeons and everything, all coloured black on his thing. Absolutely jet black. Oh, dear. And we've had a good text in for a childhood misconception. Based on, you know, various misconceptions. Somebody thought everybody went to prison. But we don't.

When I was young, I used to think my dad was extremely popular and knew hundreds of people because he was constantly waving at people when driving who usually waved back. It was a long time before I realised he was just acknowledging other drivers for letting him into a gap in the traffic, etc. That's great. I really like that. They obviously

grew up in quite a built-up area. See, it's dying out a bit now, the wave. It's a sound wave. It's been replayed by the flashing lights. Is there anything more infuriating than when you let somebody pass and they don't give you the waivers? I hate it. I say thanks.

Well, I'd say third world poverty is more infuriating than that. But, you know, we're all different. As long as he's not a clapper, I don't like a sardonic clapper to indicate that you've done a poor manoeuvre. No, I don't like that. Frank, we've had... I like to keep a hostile glove puppet in the glove compartment. Where else?

And, yeah, I'll wave with that, see if I can shot them. I've never been more delighted than when I stalled it in the car with my son in the back and he went, did you stall it, Daddy, like Mummy does? Oh, 70s child. That's what you need. He'll be at GCHQ before you know where you are With his information

We are Absolute Radio And right now, you're listening To Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast Need you tonight Oh, sorry, Michael I thought that was Alan singing that I genuinely did I completely forgot about it

I'd just like to clarify to everyone that I was not singing over the end of the song. Steve Wright in the afternoon style. It feels very disrespectful. Does he sing over the song Steve Wright? I love Steve Wright. He likes to belt a bit out over the top of the song.

Just in case anyone at home is pressing play and record. Tell you what he does like. He likes a black garment. Tell you what he does like. He likes a black garment. Tell you what he does like, a cake. Oh, I did wonder what... He likes a cake. I will not participate. I love Steve Wright.

I'm just saying he's pulled a ripcord. Frank, we've had a text in. No, wrong. It's just wrong. From 942. And this, I think, is re-Mr Hudson. Oh, Mr... The notorious Mr Hudson.

If it helps to get a measure of the man, I believe he formed a relationship with the Fern for a while. The Fern? Well, I think it's Cotton, not Britain. Oh, well, who knows? See, it's a big... That's how you judge him, isn't it, whether it was Cotton or Britain? If it was Britain, I respect him in one way for going for the larger lady.

Actually, not the larger lady. The fact that she's married probably makes him a bad person. I don't know. I don't know, in this modern day, no-one cares any more. Well, when this came in, it doesn't say which man it is referring to. How's the Fern spelled? Oh, F-E-R-N.

Oh, that's Fern Britain, with a capital F. Yeah. It should really be capital T and capital F, shouldn't it? The Fern. No, that's Fern Britain. Yeah. Fern Cotton is F-E-A. It is.

I'm afraid the story's out. Because he hasn't specified, he or she hasn't specified which man, though, that we've been talking about on the programme. So it might not be Mr Hudson. No, it is. I was thinking, is it Peter Ebden? Is it Figo? Not Peter Ebden and Fern Britain. Don't be thinking about. Oh, no. Could be Mr. Hudson. I was thinking, is it Peter Ebden? Is it Figo? Not Peter Ebden and Fern Britain.

Don't be thinking about it. Could be Michael Winner. Peter Ebden's happily living in Hungary, as we've heard from somebody else. Is that right? Oh, yeah, he's in Budapest now. I've been down the East and I've been down the West and I've even had a part in Budapest. Can I have a celebrity faux pas retrospective? Oh, yeah, I've had many.

What happened was this year, not this year, last weekend, I always get those two time-based qualifiers mixed up. Last weekend, I had to give up my tenure as president of the Samuel Johnson Society. Oh, yeah. So I handed it over to Susie Dent of Dictionary Corner. I think we spoke about that last week. I can't call you SJP anymore, Samuel Johnson President.

I loved saying that. No. Yeah, exactly. So, anyway, I met a guy there who was a hotelier. I don't think there's any other word for it. And he was a hotelier. I don't know if there's any other word for it. And he was a hotelier in Birmingham. Now, there was an incident in Birmingham, which I refer to in my

autobiography. Frank Skinner by Frank Skinner. Purple cover, two white dogs. You'll spot it. And anyway, what happened was I used to drink a lot in the 1980s, and I was in a public house in Birmingham called the Garden House.

And I saw Kenny Ball and his jazz men. Are you familiar with Kenny Ball? He was a British trad jazz giant. Sodge hits as Midnight in Moscow. Mm. Or... Oh, God. Mart at the Siamese Children. Or, um... Oh, God. Mart at the Siamese Children.

We won't do the whole... We won't do his back catalogue. Anyway, I saw him in there. I got very, very excited that Kenny bought it. Because those days, despite what Emily Dean might think, that everyone's got contacts. She once said to me, everyone has got at least one contact with show business.

Yes. She said, I bet your dad at least knew a journalist. Yeah, right. Anyway, I thought, it's Kenny Ball. I was absolutely beside myself. It was Kenny Ball and his jazz men. So I thought, how can I, you know, how can I connect with him? So I drank a lot in those days.

So what I did was I pulled down my trousers and underpants and danced in front of him singing Midnight in Moscow. You didn't? I did. I wouldn't even mind but it was lunchtime. It wasn't even like half ten

in the evening and I'd been at it all day. In those days I just topped it up. It's a lovely story to tell on the 25th anniversary of me quitting drinking. It might remember what... Anyway, as I remember it, Kenny, you know, and the jazz men all... To be honest, I remember the jazz men laughing

a bit more than Kenny did. But anyway, it turns out that this hotelier was telling me that Kenny was staying at his hotel at the time. And he'd said to him, anywhere around here for a nice quiet drink on a Sunday afternoon, he said, yeah, the garden house. He said Kenny got back. He said Kenny looked visibly shaken when he got in. And this is a jazz, this is a jazz trumpeter, you know what I mean?

They live pretty wild lives. And I can't use the actual... But you saw Calvin Classics as well. I was, yeah, I took down my, yeah. Oh, God. In other words, I was... I can't believe you did that. I was exposed.

As first impressions go, it's... Yeah. It's quite a big one. Yeah, I thought, yeah, well, I i thought i don't know how long he's staying you know i have to make an impact here and it seems strangely apt what was in pink kenny ball the law anyway he um apparently took it very badly and had a go at the bloke and said there was some bloke there and then i won't go into kenny's description it was more graphic than my own um and this bloke could we said well at lunchtime you can imagine how the conversation And then I won't go into Kenny's description. It was more graphic than my own.

And this bloke, we said, well, lunchtime. And you can imagine how the conversation went on. So then this guy read my autobiography and put two and two together. So he came up to me probably 30 years on and told me that it didn't have a happy ending, that Kenny was distraught. Oh, Frank, I feel absolutely shaken by that. I know. I'm just glad you never met Dick Francis. Yeah.

Well, you know, I was completely naked with Ackerbill. I just clamped myself on his back and wouldn't let go. His bowler came off. Everything. I'd say he's slightly faltered on Stranger on the short. Like that when I

because it had lapsed into a heimlich by that stage. Still we can't sit here talking all day. Some of us have gone a drive to West Bromwich Albion versus Fulham and I've got pitch side duties with my brick. Oh good luck. It's like the 80s.

So, anyway, if you'd like to sit down for the notices, we've got Not The Weekend podcast will be downloadable from Wednesday. That's, in case you've never heard it, it's a podcast that we do separate from this show. We're not just repeating ourselves. Oh, no. It's original material, unavailable elsewhere. There you go.

So there's that. Sarah Champion is next. It's been absolutely fabulous talking to you. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back next week. Goodbye. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.