The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Episode Date: April 5, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week, Frank, Emily and Alun are live from Manchester. The team talk April Fools, Cornish pasties and Emily's addiction to Candy Crush Saga.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show directly through the Absolute Radio website. We're in Manchester. Yeah. So, what about that?

It's very state-of-the-art in this studio. From where I'm sitting now, I can see what I think is probably the Manchester Ship Canal. Is that right? Yeah. I thought it was man's inhumanity to man, is what I could see. No, I think it looks beautiful,

and it's symbolic of the pathway which brought great industry and effort from this city to the rest of the country. Of course, the Midlands canals, they're symbiotic, aren't they? Now, there's... You know, we were on it before about facts that people tell you as if they're new facts, but everybody knows them. Uh-huh. Birmingham, what do you think the fact is I'm thinking of?

Oh, is this... More canals than Venice. More canals than Venice. Yeah, everybody tells you, you know Birmingham has got more... Yes! The taxi driver this morning said, there's a nice canal there, I'll show you. Where was he from? That was the same as your impersonation of me.

I don't like the idea that I'm doubling up jobs. I'm driving you in hand. It was kind of a similar accent. I don't like the idea of someone offering to show you a canal. Yeah, many times from puppies. What about the studio? It's so state-of-the-art, Frank. It's very Ibiza Uncovered in here, isn't it?

It's quite ravey. It's lovely. I like it. Anyway, here we are. Why are we in Manchester, you're asking? was asking i think we were all asked now i am i i'm uh i'm on tour at the moment so i was in preston which is nearby yeah um last night and i'm in preston tonight so it was just crazy to go back to London. So here we are. This is my second time in Manchester this week.

Is it? I just can't leave Manchester alone. I'm like Sir Alex Ferguson. You just can't quit Manchester. I'm just lingering around, you know, looking down and being a brooding presence. What about I got the train down with Daisy and Charlie, and we sat down, Frank. I'm not going to lie, it was first. And a businessman was there.

You got first, did you? Yeah, I insisted. And we went down and I said, just FYI, I'm your worst nightmare. I said, we have loads of bags and we talk a lot. He laughed. I moved. A few minutes later, we heard the guard. The guard came over and went, down here, sir. We can move you down here. Oh, no. He moved. A few minutes later, we heard the guard. The guard came over and went, Down here, sir.

We can move you down here. Oh, no. He moved. Good for him. And then the guard said, Would you like to see a canal? Everyone on the train was thinking, Yeah, we know a canal we can show you.

Well, I think it's lovely to be here, isn't it? Yeah, oh, I'm very excited. I like it. We haven't had an away day for a very long time, so it's... I think it's lovely to be here, isn't it? Yeah, oh, I'm very excited. I like it. We haven't had an away day for a very long time, so it's... I love it, I love that. It's a team bonding exercise. That's what you make it sound like, an away day. I think it is a bit like that.

I think maybe we should pretend to be animals of our own choice after. Oh, OK. I do that anyway on Saturday mornings, just none of you have picked up on it. No. I thought there was an element of koi poo about you. Fun? It's an animal.

I broke... My tooth is so jagged on the inside. I was eating a wasabi pig. No offence, but I didn't notice. Yeah. It's on the inside, anyway. I was eating a wasabi pig at Euston Station.

Oh, yeah. On my way to Manchester. Oh. And suddenly, I And suddenly I felt a loud crack go on in my mouth. And I basically split a big piece off my tooth. Oh, what happened then?

And then it was loose but it was still dangling by a thread so it was there for a couple of days, you know when they do that. A couple of days? You just normally go and get it fixed, darling. No no i don't media appointments exactly i've brushed off my teeth he had a big shoot for hello magazine to do so um i uh i was in aldershot earlier in the week we stopped off at the big fry which is

you've got about this week haven't you it's It's an award-winning... It won an award. It's a fish and chip shop. Won an award for best love small business in the UK. Lovely. And I had fish and chips there, and I swallowed... The tooth came out in a mouthful of card, and I swallowed it. This is one of the worst stories you've ever told. No, I wonder if it's dangerous, though, to swallow.

Morning, listeners. Enjoy your breakfast. I'm just worried it's going to come back and bite me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I love when I said to that man in Manchester yesterday, great accent. Anyway, as I was saying, Daisy... You never said that.

I did. Is that bad? It is a great accent. I love it. When I arrived at the station this morning, Emily was just getting out of her cab and saying, my friend will come and pay you. I did say that. Wow.

So, yes, I did BBC Breakfast on Monday, which is in Manchester. Yeah, Salfordian. Yeah, Salfordian. Yes, Salford. And you know, my thing is that when I say that, when I see live cricket on the television, I'm absolutely astonished by the technology that we can see and watch in colour what is happening on another continent.

It's the moment when I'm struck by the wonders of the modern world. It was the opposite when I did BBC Breakfast. Oh, no. They gave me a dressing room. I think it's where they take people who are ill. But apparently no-one gets ill there before 9 o'clock in the morning, so I was allowed to use it as a dressing room. It's got a massive big TV in it. that sounds good and i thought excellent and uh they

said it's good to watch the program before you go on on the telly so case there's any back references to anything i says great so they put it on honestly this telly was it was 50 yards from where they were sitting on the sofa. That's the distance from, it was the worst reception. I'm going to put a picture of it on our website. It was one of those, it was like, you know those Japanese, it was pixelated, it was very heavily pixelated. And you know, when you watch it, occasionally it goes... It was...

Oh, terrible. Like there's a dolphin doing the voiceover. It was awful. And outside I could see these giant dishes that were broadcasting it around the world. And I couldn't get it 50 yards away. And relax. But it all went well, though.

Well, I arm-wrestled um bill turnbull is that true did you yeah because i said to him they were on about you know this thing now that you have to have um one woman on a panel show oh this is the rule can i say i've always done that policy yeah but nevertheless um and uh i said you know i said to, I said, if you weren't here, me and, you know, it'd become like Fight Club. Me and Bill would be arm wrestling. And at the end... Did you say this on air?

Yeah, and then Bill went in for an arm wrestle and he went in as a jokey arm wrestler at the end. But you know what? He wanted to beat me on camera, I could tell. He really, he really went big time on the arm wrestle. He's got it in him, definitely. He still wanted to beat me after all that. Yeah.

Did he? Did he, Buffalo? Anyway, that was that. I did an on-air... I had to improvise a haiku poem. Did you? Very difficult. That's not something I would imagine you'd be asked to do on BBC Breakfast.

Yeah, it had gone a bit strange by then. And it's a bit like Bruce. call yeah that's not something i would imagine you'd be asked to do on bbc breakfast yeah it was it had gone a bit strange by then and it's a bit like like bruce you know when bruce on strictly god bless him well not for much longer i know but you know because he's become a he became a loose cannon and he just didn't talk about anything and stuff i loved it it's fantastic was he like last days of gm tv It was a bit like that. Yeah. And I did a haiku about them and it ended, I am you. That was the last bit of it. Sounds deep.

Yeah, it was deep. I think they were startled and a little afraid. Does it make sense? It's made sense in a profound philosophical way. It wasn't one of my great works. But, you know, in that moment the fact you know that i am in that moment i was them in that i joined in their world do you see yeah yeah i do but keep it light love okay you're right okay i just thought you know we're away we might as well there's lots of people excited to be seeing you frank yeah chris brown very excited to be seeing the great at frank on

the radio at pressed guildhall tonight. Yeah. There you go. I always find with these things the anticipation is often better than the actual experience. Enjoy the show, Chris. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We don't really do requests on the show,

but somebody has texted a request saying, can you play Ocean Colour Scene? And we've just played Cooler Shaker, so we could just say... Not an absolute 80s we have, but so many people listen to this. Yeah, that's why it's hard to do requests, really, isn't it? Because the decade stations are staggered. Yes, they are. Yeah.

So am I. 792 has texted us. This is Oliver from Manchester. Hi, guys. Just to let Frank know that swallowing a piece of your tooth is completely harmless. I'm no dentist. But I swallowed... That's the advice we want, then.

I was starting to think, at last, some professional advice. No. Oliver says, I swallowed many a piece of tooth from time to time. He doesn't say whether they're his own canines um i hope you like it here p.s i hope you like it here maybe you can show me the canal later oliver well i am well that's good news though because i was thinking you know about would my digestive juices take on anything as hard as a tooth i think they would but then um someone was telling me a friend of mine that his um son they did an experiment at I think they would. And they put one in a glass of water and one in a glass of Coca-Cola over the weekend.

When they got back on Monday, one in the water, as you'd expect, completely normal. Other tooth, gone. Was it? Gone. Totally gone. This is the one from Coca-Cola listening. This is hearsay, obviously. I don't have any hard and fast chemical proof of this.

Just get veneers, it's fine. Stephen Manfredi says, will Alan be showing you around his favourite haunts? Poundland, Poundworld, 99p store, hashtag thrifty. Wow, that's unfair. Is it unfair? It is a bit, yeah.

Oh, it's a bit unfair. I'm shouting you down already. I went to the Arndale yesterday, lovely. Right. I prefer the Northern quarter in Manchester. See? Bit of local material for you there. I'm not the thrifty one that my reputation is painted. Well, here's something you might be able to help me with, though, Alan.

This is your area, I think. Yeah, yeah. Let's go for it. I was, when I was in Manchester earlier in the week, I was very hungry on the train. Oh, yeah. And, you know, there's Cornwall pasty stores that you get at railway stations. So I was going to get a pasty, and the person I was with said,

oh, it's 20 to 10. And I said, yeah, and she said, I don't know. It's up to you. I wouldn't, I personally, I wouldn't eat a pasty before 10. Really? But people, people are like that. Have you never done that? No, people have rules.

Like if you want a whiskey or something. Yeah, exactly. When people say stuff like chips for breakfast, where does that come from, that there's certain times in the day that you're supposed to have food? Surely that's one of the pleasures of being an adult. You can just eat when you like, what you like, or not at all, if you like. Sometimes I'll get in late and have a couple of Weetabix.

Oh, really? What about cake in the morning? Oh, there's nothing finer. See, I like savoury foods in the morning. I quite like, you know... When you're in France and you get, like, boiled ham and stuff on breakfast. Yeah, I'm all over that sort of stuff. Pizza, everything.

Did you have it? I don't understand. I was in Japan once for a month, and when you get up... I hate Japan. Absolutely hate Japan. Oh, for goodness sake. I just don't like it as a country. Well, I like it.

I like Japanese people. I don't like the country. And one of the things about it is when you have breakfast in the hotel, it's just like every other meal. There's no special breakfast food in Japan. You just have sushi and all that tempura. That's what you were like in Manchester train station. It's about 40.

But it also depends on how long you've been up, doesn't it? If you get up at 9.15 and have a Cornish pasty, that's weird at 9.40. But if you get up at 6 and do a breakfast show interview, then by the time you're eating, it's like lunchtime anyway. I doubtfully. Was there lattice on the pasty? Lattice? Lattice.

Latticing. You know the latticing on the top of it? Do you get that on pasties? Yes. No, pork pies, you get it. No, there's latticing. Come on, you've been the most terrible fool. I really haven't.

In the central section, I'm calling it the central reservation area, there's a latticing on a pasty. No. That's my seat that's squeaking, everyone. Simply no. If anyone's ever seen latticing on a pasty, then I don't mean a pasty as... Text us on HR15.

I don't mean a pasty as worn by a burlesque dancer. I mean the edible kind. Then do text in because I... No. Absol dancer. I mean the edible kind. Then do texting because I... No. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It would appear that it's not just the government that have had a pastygate issue.

It's us, yeah, I think. So Frank said there definitely is no latticing on a pasty. He says I've made a terrible fool of myself. Oh, God. Five, six, eight. There we go. Just remind everyone again what he said. Five, six, eight.

I'm with Emily. The posh pasty has it so much better. Yeah, I don't think that person can be trusted because they've written pasty. P-A-S-T-I-E. Oh, there you go. Oh, hello, I'd like a pasty, please. Good luck.

I dare you, I dare you say that about someone who's joined in. I like Vince's text, which just says crimping, not latticing. That's what they mean. Crimping's a very, crimping, you get that? It's a cross work. Yeah, on a Cornish pasty, it would have crimping, not latticing. But latticing is open, isn't it? You can see the innards.

Exactly, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about proper... I don't think you can see, Charlie. Oh, you're squirming like a worm in a hook. You just don't like it, because there is a posh pasty, isn't there? Well, have we established that? I don't think so. 312 says, swallowing a bit of tooth will be harmless. The acid of your digestive system will

erode it away. Really? I'm no professional. They're all at it then. But no science and have studied eating disorders. They used to be. Matt's work on a pasty, isn't that just like a steak bake? Lovely. That's Ben and Ken. Like a steak bake, but that's not a

pasty. Like a steak bake, but that's not a pasty. Like a steak bake, touch for the very first time. Did you know the haiku? I love that song. How a trickle. It was one of her best. It really was. She could do it now. She could hold up her arms and say it like a steak bake.

Touch for the very last time. I love Madonna's forearms. They've got cable in there. You know when you strip open a wire and you come to the individual cables? Yeah, where's the earth? Yeah, I'm thinking she might have some droid work done. One of the least measured texts that we've had

is Lattice on a pasty, no. Is that from Morrissey? Lattice on a pasty, no. Is that from Morrissey? Lattice on a pasty, I know, I know. It's against nature and it's against God. Emily is a pasty heretic. Proud to be so. Well, I think the tie is with me, Em, I'm sorry. Yeah, but at least things have moved on

from you've made a very great fool of yourself well i don't know if they've moved on from that i think that's that's a basis on which they've been built on what has been built a mighty tower is that the bedrock so you did your little gig last night i did one of my little shows how did it go did you have a little epiphany um i know okay i can't remember her name was no those days ago there must be a girl out there called epiphany nowadays there's gotta be yeah isn't it less stressful not having the groupies oh it's much easier yeah yeah yes i mean the logistics is just easy yeah you don't have to do they put you on instagram now as well you know the sheep dog thing when you have to

separate one off from the group right you have to separate one off from the group. Right. You have to get them away from the herd, don't you? I'm so glad that that's gone. Especially with my back. No, I don't miss it, I must say. And then you have to give them the speech. Yeah, anyway. And say, I won't call you.

Anyway. Let's not dwell too much on it, after all. I tell you where I played a theatre the other night, and it was the theatre where there's a plaque there, and it was the last ever appearance in this theatre by Billy Fury. Oh, I love Billy Fury. I used to, I should say. Last night a million stars... Billy Fury, yeah. Ronald Witcherly was his real name.

Oh, was it? Oh, yeah. I used to be quite a Fury fan. I took Fury Monthly for a while. Did you? I remember in Fury Monthly, this is how stars have changed, right? Billy Fury said, it was an update, a little Fury update, and it said that he says, he used to write a little bit in there,

I don't know if he actually wrote it. But he said, little update on my all black outfit. And I thought, oh, what's this? And he says, I've already got the trousers and the shirt. I'm just, and a jacket. I'm looking for a black tie and some black socks. I've got the shoes. And it was, over the month he was assembling an all black outfit.

Like over a period of about three months. It's not that difficult though, is it? No, not that difficult. Maybe it was then. Do you think he was hinting? Do you think he was sort of, hey, if anyone wants to send me some black socks, I'm in the market for a pair. That was the thing in those days.

I love that. Billy Sherry went all baggy baggy. But anyway, it was great that there was to play. I did feel slight excitement that Billy Sherry had done his last. And so I just thought what might be a good text in is if people know any places that have sort of weird associations with celebrities or famous people. Like Lavender Corner.

Do you know there's a place near near Absolute where we saw Ian Lavender. We saw him on all fours on the corner of the street. And I always think of that now as Lavender Corner.

There ought to be a plaque there. We should say he fell over. No, we didn't see him fall. He was just there. He might have just been... Crawling. Yeah, he was having a crawl around the block. Could be his commute.

There should be a plaque, but on the floor, so Ian could read it next time he's in town. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. That thing that you were talking about of particular places having a certain resonance. I was once in the east end of London with my friend Paul

and we drove past a pub and he just went, that's the pub that Michael Barrymore came out in. It's obviously a landmark for him. Fantastic. Is there a plaque there? I don't think there is a plaque there out in. It's obviously a landmark for him. Fantastic. Is there a plaque there? I don't think there is a plaque there, no. That's brilliant. I didn't know he came out in a pub.

We've all done it. Apparently it was like a karaoke type thing and he got up and announced it. I might have got that wrong now, wouldn't I? No, I remember it, admittedly. It's alright, I don't think he'll sue. It's a little bit, yeah. I, um, I did a gig, you probably gigged there yourself, there's a comedy club in Shepherd's Bush.

Oh, yes. Called The Ginglic. Yeah, I used to compare that very regularly. Oh, I think we've worked there together, isn't it? That's right, yeah. And it used to be a public toilet, and it was the public toilet where Wilfred Bramble, who played Albert Steptoe, was arrested for importunity.

Mm-hm. I love the idea of Steppen in his comedy. I don't get that so much anymore. His comedy footstep. You're right. No, I don't know. I blame George Michael. What they've done is they've made other arrangements.

Anyway. It's a Steppen from from Five Star as well. I don't know. So if you know anywhere that has an interesting association with a famous person, I'd love to hear. We've had one. We have a Wetherspoons in Whitstable, Kent, named after Peter Cushing as he lived here.

Oh, that's right. He did live there. In fact, I nearly bought his house. You didn't. I went and had a look at it, because I quite fancied, because I know he's not canon, but he did play the movie Doctor Who, which is an official Doctor Who canon, because in it he was actually called a man, he was called Who.

He was called Doctor, he was a human. Did you find out it was for sale via one of your Who alerts? a man. He was called Who. He was called Doctor. He was a human. Did you find out it was for sale via one of your Who alerts? No, I found out because... If they advertised that on the Who alerts. Yeah, but because he's not canon, I don't know. They don't strike me

as big homebuyers, the old Who fans. You don't mind me saying. No. No, they're just more living with the parents, maybe. That's all. It's that sort of prejudice. That's so accurate. Anyway, what had happened is he used to have a big house on the seafront, Peter Cushing.

Yeah. And after he died, it had been split into two houses. Oh, must have been a big one then. Yeah. And the thing is that the house i went to look at was one of these one half of the original but the other half had got the plaque oh no i know i mean people would people ever believe me when i said well actually he lived in this house and they go yeah sure that's why next door's got the plaque. I couldn't live with that.

I couldn't live with the idea of that. You really need to just cut half the plaque and just move it along so that it's on either side of the... Yeah. I looked at Peter Sellers' old house. The seller? No, it was a little cottage. I was only going to buy a cushion.

Do you remember that, why doesn't Whoopi Goldberg marry Peter Cushing? We're doing jokes now on Absolute Radio. We're doing actual jokes. My worst thing ever. You nearly bought Peter Sellers' house. I went to look at it. It was humble, but it was lovely.

It was a little cottage that he was born in. I would have liked that one. Had a blue plaque on it, Frank. I would like a house with a blue plaque. So would I. That's why I nearly bought it, but the parking was atrocious. I got a friend. Black plaque v parking. I got a friend who was found up and they said,

do you know Benjamin Britton wrote blah, blah. No, but thanks for the tip. And they said, we'd like to put a plaque on the house. And they said it'll put like 50, was it, no, 100 grand on the price of the house. Wow. It's worth getting one. Yeah.

Must be somebody. Perhaps we'll just... I lived it out, eh? This is... Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 546. Oh, dear.

As a 35-year-old Who fan, I think that means doctor. Yes. Rather than adultery. I was beside myself with anger at Emily's comments. And I actually went to ring Absolute to complain. Oh, blimey. But as I have to check with the bill payer first,

and my mum is out at the moment, I was thwarted. No, that is... I love 546. Can I marry you? I like the fact that... I don't care what you are. I don't care if you're Do that is... I love 546, can I marry you? I don't care what you are, I don't care if you're Doberman Pinscher, I'm going to marry you. He's taken your mean joke and he's ran with it, hasn't he? Yeah, he's done good work.

Yes, I don't... I mean, there's no minorities left now you can say nasty things about. Some people have turned on the Who fans. It's a scandal. What about 641? We were talking about eating at strange times weren't we or eating whatever we like well i'm on about this strange rule that you can't eat

certain things at certain times of the day doesn't make any sense six four one hi frank the dme and cockerel i was recently at a hotel in arizona and the breakfast menu had a daily theme one morning i had a four course Chinese meal. Soup, pancakes with aromatic duck, chicken chop suey and ice cream. Get in. Ice cream, is that? But why not? Best time of day to eat ice cream, apparently. Is that right?

Well, then you've got the rest of the day to burn it off, haven't you? When you said apparently, do you mean it's your own theory? It's something that I read apparently years ago. Sylvester Stallone was going to eat ice cream, which he does occasionally. Was there an article called Ice Cream, colon, when? That's the sort of stuff

I would read. Also, I like the article which Sylvester Stallone was going to eat ice cream. Apparently if he eats ice cream, he has it on a morning and then he's got the whole day to... Do you know what? I'm going to do that from now on. I love that little tip. That's why his tongue's numb. Mouth from the day.

Whoa! Poor Sylvester. Well, actually not poor. Ian Angle. Peter Cushion. I thought that was just pillow talk. Oh, the punners are back Ian Yes

Hold on I was just going to say the pasty gate is raging on Oh no I feel like I've won Do you? Well go on carry on I think the others do Someone has suggested

Has Emily lost it? I'm in extreme Everyone knows pasties are crimped. Simon and Hyde, thank you for that Simon. I don't think you were saying that they aren't crimped, you were saying that they are latticed. Yeah, I'm saying they're latticed. But I think that makes them not pasties. No, I don't think. I think we've established that.

Somebody said that Cornish pasties are crimped to the side, not on the top. That's how they're meant to be. Well, maybe we'll come back to this. Oh, a runner has just gone past on the tailpath and rain dribbles down onto the canal. Is this one of your haiku?

I'm just loving it. They're meant to have a bit of the weather, aren't they? I'm loving it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're in Manchester. Oh, Manchester, so much to answer for. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the Absolute website direct.

104 has texted us. There's been a lot of controversy raging on this morning about whether pasties are, is there any latticing in the Central Reservation area? Apparently there isn't. Why is everyone shocked that Emily should think pasties are lattice, not crimped? She is the grand denier of pastry and all things carb-based.

This is not her area of expertise. No, it is true that's fair enough i can't deny that 104 yes well in left when boarding an airplane is your area of expertise isn't it so i couldn't possibly comment you may say that not in a four-seater um yes so let's let's put the latticed lid on that okay it'll be all day pasty talking let's just say i won it's done okay okay what else i'll tell you what else um i missed april falls this year because i was on some travels no i'm delighted because it's my worst day ever yeah i hate april falls frank well i am i'm a big fan oh yeah yes who can forget your classic april fools when you told your girlfriend and mother-in-law

that the toilet was broken that was your april fool wasn't it yeah and the one when i told my girlfriend that i was going to do a show with goc one well this was good this one in which i wore an avant-garde called would you wear that yeah did you keep a straight face for that totally to the point where this was when um some of you may recall this story the last day maybe the April Fool's before but uh yes and she said she decided that we had to split on this time for this quite seriously and said you're not the person I thought you were she's right because I was going to do a show we got going in which I walked around northern towns for an avant-garde outfit didn't you do one well, saying the car had been stolen or something?

Oh, I've done lots. I didn't do one this year, because she's actually had a big hospital appointment on April 4th, which happily has all turned out to be totally fine. But I didn't think it was the morning. No. Because she found out

and said, fantastic news, all clear. I did think about, well, it's funny she said that because i've just had a call from them really and they said on the contrary and i thought now it's funny you should say that because i had a go at april fool this year and it's not my day it's not my day i don't like it but then somebody told me oh i've just sent a text to my mate to prank him for april fool and i've got a theory that you forget about it and then someone tells you one that they've done and then you think, oh, I've got until noon. And so you have a go at it.

So I'd been to see my osteopath and I went back to my wife and he basically said, this is fixing. Don't come back to me unless it's still a problem in six weeks, but you should be okay. So I'm on my way back and I'm thinking, oh, I'm going to try and prank her. I'm going to try and prank her. I went in and I her i went in and i said you know i thought it was gonna be better it turns out he's missed something and i've got to get an mri scan and then they might have to shave a bit off my hip

and basically i'm gonna be in traction for a whole month and i'm thinking she's gonna think oh my god i've got to look after two kids and the dog all on my own for a whole month. She just went, oh, how did they miss that? Like, me in traction apparently is no more work for her than me not in traction. It doesn't affect her life at all. I also like that you did an April Fool, they centred around an MRI scan. Yeah, terrible. And a shaved hip. And really badly as well. I couldn't, I knew that I couldn't keep a straight face,

so while I was telling her it, I turned and put the kettle on and I told her it with my back to it, like, really lame. I fell for one. I fell for one this year. What was it? There was an internet one. I know we're breaking all the rules here. Did they tell you you'd be nominated for ten Sony Awards? No. No, it wasn't that.

Audio Academy, sorry. It was... Odie Academy, sorry. It was... It said that Peter Capaldi, it turns out, isn't really the Doctor. That was a bit of a swiss. Oh, wow. And it said that he was the master, you know, who is

the Doctor's sort of arch enemy. I'm sorry, I don't watch it. Yes, well, imagine think arch enemy. Arch enemy. He was just pretending to be the well, imagine, think Arch Enemy. Arch Enemy. He was just pretending to be the Doctor, but in fact he's going to be. And I thought, wow, that's a fantastic plot twist. But you don't want to do, what you don't want to do is April Fool's, when you find the truth, it's less good.

The April Fool. Well, were you thinking, hang on, this is a casting opportunity again, all of a sudden. No, I mean, I think, you know, I'm happy about Capaldi as a doctor, but the idea that they could have switched that and kept us all fooled would have been such a brilliant... They're now thinking they should have done that. But when it comes, you're supposed to be relieved to find out it's in April.

Like, my mate, a very good friend of mine, he got the role of debris in the producers in the West End, the sort of... Oh, yes, I know the friend, yeah. He was very, very excited, as you can imagine. It's a brilliant part. And he got up on April 4th and I said, you're definitely doing the debris role, aren't you, in that? And he said, yeah. I said, there's just been a thing on the news that says that Graham Norton's doing it. And he said, oh, that'll be a mistake. And he told me after, he said, oh, there's just been a thing on the news that says that Graham Norton's doing it. And he said, oh, that'll be a mistake.

And he told me after, he said, oh, that's ridiculous. He said, I was dying inside. Absolutely. How did you do that? Because I then gave him the gift of the truth. It's like when people say to me, what's the time? If someone asks me the time, and I always add an hour and a half on it. And then they go, it's not that, isn't it? And I go, no. And then suddenly I've given them an extra hour and a half on it. And then they go, it's not like that, is it?

And I go, no. And then suddenly I've given them an extra hour and a half on their life. It's not jokes. It's admin creation. That's all you do. Oh, well. I'm going to use that as my other poster.

Not jokes. Admin creation. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. 844, very curious from Bracknell, wants to know how do you become a number? I've been intrigued for a long time. Is it like an exclusive gentleman's club? For some reason I think it's only men who have a number,

not a girl thing. Can I just make one up or do you allocate them? Perhaps you'd care to explain, Frank. That thing I think it's only men who have a number. See, that's how we've been trained up now, to be paranoid that we're being oppressed. But in fact, it's something that Gareth, our previous incumbent in the Cockrell seat, invented.

When people didn't put a name on text, he just used the last three digits of their mobile number. And then people got to like that better than the names so we took that sort of it's a bit like a delicatessen canter yeah method so now all commas are welcome to that in fact that person what is their name that person's name uh hold the line please very curious from Curious from Bracknell. Yeah, thank you, Alan. Very Curious. And what would be their number? Their number would be 844. There you go.

Very Curious, you've got your number. Congratulations. Your number's up. Very Curious sounds like some sort of strange 60s film. I am curious. Orange. Anyway. I'll tell you what I did.

Now, this is one of the reasons I might move away from the practical joke. Go on. I've been doing another radio show. What? For Radio 4, a history panel show, which I think I've spoken to you about before. And it's not out for a while, so I'm not plugging. But Daisy was, what was your role on it, so I'm not plugging. But Daisy was... What was your role on it, Daisy?

Broadcast assistant. Broadcast assistant. She was very much the engine room of it. And I phoned her up about something else, and she said, yeah, and I said, you know what, I can't... I don't feel very well. I'm not going to do it tonight.

This was like two hours before the show. And I don't know why I said it, because I don't feel very well, I'm not going to do it tonight. This was like two hours, two hours before the show. And I don't know why I said it, because I was phoning about something else. No, you often don't know why you say things. I just can't do it. Something else you told us now, which I can't believe. Anyway. And Daisy says, oh God, it's really short notice.

I said, no, I'm sorry. And then I thought, I said, no, no, I was joking. I'm not, I am doing it. And she said, I'm sorry, I just feel like crying. She honestly said that. I thought, oh, I really felt that it had gone wrong. I really felt. I could hear, you know, the slight tremble in the voice.

That's the problem with pranking. It is. Yeah, yeah. It is the problem with pranking. It's like when I gave that friend of my mother's a rubber cookie on a plate. And it was a plate full of normal cookies. Yeah. That's great.

Even if I was doing it with five other people. What possible? I did it on my own. And then I put one rubber cookie on there. Hang on, how old were you at this point? Probably about 11. All right. And he bit into it.

He was Canadian. And he went, oh, my jaw. That's a brilliant prank! I cried. You know what, you've taught me around, I am going to do that. I'd forgotten how brilliant they were. I like the detail

of it, which seemed to help the laugh, was he was Canadian. I've got a six-year-old, and I think next year, if I could get hold of a rubber cookie for him, he'd be really excited approaching April Fool's. I think health and safety are probably not allowed after, ah, my tooth gate. Well, also, you can't be serving up cookies before noon, can you? That's when the April Fool's cut-off point is. Exactly. Why is that? Do we know? Sorry, I'm Googling rubber cookies. Let'll see if I can get some 24 hours. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I don't like. When the newspapers do April Fool's... I'll hate that. ..and they put quotes in and you think, well, how can I ever trust you again? You're the newspaper. If you can make up quotes from Nick Clegg

about them, you know, making square eggs or something. That was an old one. That was ages ago. What about the Birmingham Mail? Oh, I love it. The Birmingham's joined in. They printed a picture of a shark in the canal in Birmingham.

But they don't have the Photoshop properly done. Oh, no. That's terrible properly done. Oh, no. So it looked terrible, Frank. Oh, dear. Wasn't there another one that they were changing Wolverhampton train station to Wolverine? That's quite good. If you had a flat near there, you could say, oh, yeah, I live near Wolverine. That'd be brilliant.

I agree. I really like the Slovakia. What was that one? It said that they were going to do all through the night broadcasts of their various presenters counting sheep. Oh, that's good. I'd watch that.

I'd watch that. You know, like in the early days of when Big Brother was on and people just, you couldn't hear what they were saying because it was contentious. Oh, the bird song. You used to get bird songs

if they said anything. No, I couldn't bear that. It reminded me too much of the 1997 sort of time in myious. Bird song. You used to get bird songs if they said anything. No, I couldn't bear that. It reminded me too much of the 1997 sort of time in my life. Bird song. What, the journey home? Yeah, yeah. I heard a lot of bird song back then.

When me and David Baddiel lived together, he got early cable. Oh, yeah. And there used to be one channel that at night went to Roaring Log Fire. Nice. Is that right? And we used to put that on.

Yeah. And there was one Walking Penguins, and it was just on a loop of penguins just pottering about. And I'm not kidding you, we used to laugh our heads off at that, night after night after night. People, you don't want to necessarily have programmes. It's just our stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes I just like that. It's like background noise, isn't it? Very soothing. There's people I'd love to hear counting sheep. Mm-hmm. Ian McMillan, the Barnsley Paladin. Oh, Ian McMillan. He'd be good at that, wouldn't he?

One, one sheep. Two sheep. I see three sheep. That's how it would be. It'd be brilliant. Perfect. Cherry Alleywell, I imagine, would be good at it. Oh, her voice.

You imagine Cherry Alleywell in a lot of different circumstances. How dare you say that to me. I find her voice a bit, yeah. Yeah, but that's Stephen Hawking. It grates on me. Stephen Hawking for a sort of special. What sort of special? You know. I don't know a sort of special. What sort of special? You know.

I don't know. A technological special. One sheep. Two sheep. It's like choosing a ringtone on your phone, wouldn't it be? Which voice would you select for the sheep counting? I'd do it. If somebody...

All celebrities should have to do it. It should be a rule. If I got offered celebrity sheep count... Oh, yeah....live through the night, I'd do it. It should be a rule. If I got offered Celebrity Sheep Count live through the night, I'd do it. I'd like Adrian Charles Sheep Count. One shape.

No, I think that would... Yeah, there's loads of people. Kate Winslet, I imagine, would put real... I'm not sure she'd do it, Frank. That's my only issue with that. Do you think she's available for Celebrity Sheep Count?

I'm not sure. She's busy being in films, do you think? No, no, but you know, I imagine, I think she's very down to earth. I think if I could choose I think Graham Norton would be in my top three. Oh, okay. Oh, I'd love him as my sheep counter. What about Alan

Cutt? Oh, there's a sheep! Little! Oh, that's steady. Frank? Frank little hold steady Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio 641 has texted us Frank he calls himself Prisoner 641

Hi Frank, Emily and Alan my parents had a rubber cookie whenever any workman came to the house the family rubber cookie get the rubber cookie. Whenever any workman came to the house... I like the family rubber cookie. Get the rubber cookie out, Marty. Whenever any workman came to the house, they were always given a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits,

one of which was the rubber one. Excellent. I would often put an exploding cigarette in their cig packets. When I was having building work on my own house, I left a plastic doggy poo for the builders to find. See, this is a regime. 47 years old, this man.

It's a regime. Yeah. That's what it is. I think that's brilliant. Maybe I'm going to make my family into the prankster family. Yeah, the prankster. I mean, change it by... Oh, yeah.

I was going to change it by Deedpul. Prank Skinner, I could call myself. They've never filled the Beedle gap. That's true. That could be me. If you changed your name by Deedpul to Prank Skinner, I would walk. Oh, come on.

You got through the past this thing. You can get through this. She wouldn't walk far. No, not in those hills. I would walk to that cab paid for by my friend. Stop laughing at me. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Now, did you enjoy your Texas chewy pecan pralines?

It was nice, because I thought it was going to be, I thought it was going to be, you know, brittle. I'm a good self. I should explain, I've been on my travels, and I brought you sweets back, didn't I? I love it when people bring sweets back from holidays. It's very much like an office job. And it wasn't just the big table around from the airport. It's actually from the country you went to. It was. I went to... Did you get it in the airport, though?

Yes, I did. Oh, good. I went to Austin, I should tell our readers. Austin, Texas. Austin, Texas. For a jaunt with some of my aviation pals. It's, I have to say, it's a fabulous city. Ostentatious in Austin, Texas.

That's what I'm saying. I was. I saw bat colonies. I saw Willie Nelson's parking space. I saw Sandra Bullock's cake shop. Just a minute. What are bat colonies? Bats.

Yeah, bats. I thought you said back. No. I was thinking, is that like a treatment or something? There's loads of bats. What you do is you go and stand on the bridge at seven o'clock when they all come out and there's swarms of them. Oh, I love them. Seven at night?

It's like, I said, this is like One Direction. The bats are like celebrities. Oh, right. In Austin. Now, what I noticed... The world's upside down, isn't it? Mm-hmm. It's like the bats. What I noticed about Texas, Frank, they're very dramatic people, and this is what I like.

They're very sort of Tennessee Williams played, you know what I mean? Are they? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You don't just, if you go in and you order a drink. I can't cope with this infernal heat. It's a bit like that. It's exactly what it's like. It must be off the scale in dramatic people terms, if you're calling it dramatic. Well, for example, you go into a bar. I said to the barman, oh, I'd like a drink. And he went, I'll get you one, but you have to promise to trust me.

I'm not joking. That's what he said. How long is he doing? He said, he's obviously been in prison since you met him, hasn't he? He said, what do you want? I said, well, I don't know. I like vodka. He said, I told you, you got to trust like vodka he said i told you you gotta trust me i said i trust you

wow that's quite a big thing to say to a stranger that's something i've never said before i've said it to a few bar maids oh i said it in one i said it one incident which i'll tell you about later and there was a barmaid at the pub in birmingham he used to give me he used to give me drinks from the slop trays lovely you know the slop trays under the table. I'd have like eight or nine pints a night without paying. So you say, what do you want? Yeah. So it's like part lager, part bitter.

Can I just remind everyone that at the start of this broadcast, I was being called thrifty. And now he's admitting to having drank nine pints of slop. I wasn't so much thrifty as thirsty. Tell me you didn't trust her, Frank. Well, I trusted her. It wouldn't kill me what I was drinking. There's probably a little bit of cleaning fluid in there as well.

It was basically any fluid from behind the bar I was prepared to drink. Anyway, I dragged it down to something very domestic. So I said, I trust you. You said, OK, you'll trust me. He turned round. He was gone a bit, like the nutty professor. He was doing all this gubbins. A bit like when Marky Smith's kind of tuning up.

He gave me this drink. It was without doubt the most disgusting thing I've ever had in my life. Wow. It was an aniseed cocktail. I drank it and I had to pretend to like it because it was hot. Oh, no. He was hot? He was hot. He was really hot. I drank it and I had to pretend to like it because it was hot. Oh, no. He was hot? He was hot.

He was really hot. I drank three of them. Did you? I did. You didn't drink three? I drank three of them. He really was hot. I was on a road trip through Texas and Arizona once.

Was that when you went with Adrian Childs? Yeah, I wasn't going to name names. I don't like to name drop. I do. Yeah, we were also with Bryn Law, the Sky Sports reporter. Okay. If you want me to really drop names.

Anyway, we stopped at this restaurant and Bryn said, those two are big celebrities in the United Kingdom. And this waitress came over and said, you guys celebrities? on and Bryn said those two are big celebrities in the United Kingdom and this waitress came over and said you guys celebrities? And we said, well, you know. She said, wow, I just had a

one night stand with Val Kilmer. Small world. Can I say that was only her own allegation. I have no evidence if Val's listening. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I'm in Austin, Texas. Oh, yes.

That was bar one. Or bar one. A couple of nights later, we went to another bar. Hold on, was there no... Was there no Congress? Was there no way into the hot barman story? Well, no, I drank it and I felt a bit peculiar, so I had to go home.

Oh, did you come over all unnecessary? You stopped trusting him after a while. I wonder how many... He's just getting rid of stuff, isn't he? Yeah. Although, it was rather odd because he was opposite my hotel. For the rest of your stay? What, just standing on the street? The he was opposite my hotel. For the rest of your stay? What, just standing on the street?

The bar was opposite my hotel. And he was outside. It was very on the street where you live. It's very friendly. And I saw him having one of his cigareos while I went across to my hotel. And he saw me and I said, and then when I got into the hotel, I turned the lights on and I saw him still there. I didn't like it.

He saw me turning the lights on. So I kept the curtains open, just in case. So then a couple of nights later, I found myself in another bar. Blimey! I know. And I don't drink that much these days so it's hard on me. But there was another barman.

Right. And I'm afraid he was very handsome as well. He was slightly Hispanic. You know that film The Outsiders? He was that type. There's a sort of staffing policy thing coming through. They get good-looking people to work. It's often the way. But there's a complication here,

because I'm with one of my gay friends, and he fancies him, and so do I. Okay. And my gay friend insists he's one of his, and I insist he's one of mine. It got quite nasty. He scratches his eyes out. Well, everyone else...

I have to say, it's the same with the Catholics. We're always trying to claim. My dad once tried to convince me that Muhammad Ali was a Catholic. Seriously. I said, Daddy would not be called that. No, he's called that, but he's a Catholic. Anyway. So we're sitting at the... Everyone else is having a nice time, enjoying the evening.

We are stuck there in a battle to the death, trying to flirt with this barman. We're both thrusting our chests out. It was awful. He starts lining up shots. Again, I don't drink shots, but I did to show off because I liked him. He said, you like whiskey shots? And I love them. I love them. Oh dear. It was awful, Frank. The pressure um my gay friend starts saying i mean you're working in a bar i mean uh you're obviously you have a college education right so he was playing it wrong yeah well when it got to the i mean the whole night we spent there and then um

it was time to go and then he said well it's my night off tomorrow night so maybe we can all hang out oh let the battle let the games commence yeah i said yeah sounds great my gay friend says yeah i'll take your number he takes the number i was fuming the next day we're waiting for the barman to call no call from him i thought well i look quite good that's that's a bit of a shocker um he said i texted him i don't know why he hasn't been in touch i said what did you say i looked at the little green text that he'd sent. It said, hey, great to meet you. Emily and I really can't wait to swing with you tomorrow.

Oh! He'd mistyped. Well, to be honest, normally I'd have said no to that, but if I was on my holidays. But, of course, because he was at home I suppose he gets those it's worth a try then This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

you can text us follow the show on Twitter or email the show Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show directly through the Absolute Radio website. Frank Coba has tweeted us. Coba? How long are you on for tonight at Preston? I need to book a meal.

Well, it's somewhere between 90 and 100 minutes. OK. Plus support. Plus support, so I'll go on about 8.15. We should have him out of there by 10. OK. All right, there you go, Cobra. Nando.

Do you think it is a meal, or do you think he's a match of the day, if Annie's just thinking of his journey back, journey time? He knows he doesn't have to lie to me about that. No, exactly. George Michael and hamster teeth? What, he's texted? Are we getting Grindr now on the show? What's this George have to say?

No, it's just that we were talking earlier about places you associate with people. Oh, okay. You know, I have one of those with Barcelona. You know, is it Le Ramblas? Oh, Le Ramblas, yeah. The main bit, which most people would think of Barcelona and they'd think of Gaudi or whatever. Me and my wife were in a little cafe, quite a modest place,

just having a bit of... Yes, I'd imagine so. And I think I might have told you this before, but I could hear from behind me this... And eventually I turned around and it was Shane McGowan. Oh! Laughing and... It's some laugh, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, and we walked past again eight hours later and he was still in there with his mates. He's still laughing? Still laughing, yeah. Cheery. He's just had a bit more edge to it. Whenever I think of Barcelona, I think of seeing Shane McGowan in a cafe.

Most people don't, do they, when they think of Barca? You think of the long playing career that you had for them. I do. Well, I'm still managing. I am still. I did a press conference. In Catalan? Yesterday, actually.

In fluent Catalan, was it? Fluent Catalan, but in my daydreams it's translated into English for my benefit because I don't speak Catalan in the real world. It's very complicated. Extremely complicated. I'll tell you where we haven't been for a while. Email Corner Do we have emails?

We do. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, my five-year-old daughter, Megan, is a bit cross with Frank. Can I just say that the use of the word cross immediately makes me think that this woman is either very English or a bit middle class. Really? Yeah.

I think it's because I grew up with Scottish accents that I would never say cross. I've never said, oh, I was really cross, because it sounds to me like Enid Blyton. Scottish people, I think, get angry. I was angry! They don't go, oh, I was cross. They just don't...

They say cross. Surely they say cross. Well, they're instructing you how to lay the swords for the sword dance. Yeah, they might use the word cross, but not in this context. No, I wouldn't normally use the word cross. I use it all the time.

Yeah, see? You're right, Alan. My five-year-old daughter, Megan, is a bit cross with Frank. Whilst re-listening to an old podcast, you told someone to shut up, at which Megan registered her disgust, as we're not allowed to say shut up in our house. She said Frank was being rude.

She also added how lucky Frank is to be able to work with his husband, Alan. Oh, that's me. Well, you say that, but I mean, it brings extra pressure working with your husband. Like Richard and Judy. Yeah, look at poor Judy. You know, ultimately, we just get each other.

That's why it works. I heard you just can't quit him. No. You know, I'm not saying, Megan, there haven't been rough patches. There have. And I have told him to shut up. And it does help that I give ground in big arguments.

It's really useful. You do. You do. But you know what? I wouldn't swap him. But I'm sorry, Megan, if, um, if, uh, if I offended you with that, if you're listening. But it's just that, um, I find that eventually with people you have to tell them to shut up. Yeah.

If they feel like they're winding down gradually of their own accord, it's fine. But with some people they always feel like they're at full pelt. Yeah. Um, belt up, I'm all right with. I think... Shut your cake hole, haven't you? Shut your cake hole is a good one. Put a sock in it.

Benny Hill. Yeah, put a sock in it, haven't you, for ages? I think you might have been, I'm going to play devil's advocate here, I think you might have been doing that thing that you do with feigning outrageous surprise of going, shut up. Yeah. The only way he's ever fixed it that 60 i think i was i think you were i think it was ironic i've been shut up in it so i was going shut up as in i don't believe you yeah so you see megan i'm not as rude as you think but you're quite right it's not nice to tell people to shut up if you're listening maybe you should switch it to i don't believe you

if you're listening. Maybe you should switch it to, I don't believe you. That's a really topical catchphrase. It's been taken. Why don't you start saying that as well? Oh, I still do that. Well, as you know,

I frequently answer the phone to Daisy, the producer of this show, with, What's up? Which turns her stomach a bit. I'm going to start doing that lip-smacking thirst question. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I've got a text saying Simon Le Bon, pinner.

I'm assuming that's a famous person that they've seen in pinner. Oh, I thought that was a famous thing that he used to wear. I thought that was a famous thing that he used to wear. I thought that was a request he made. But it was supposed to be places, specific spots that you associate with people. Okay, don't get angry. Pin is too big. Yeah, true that. But thanks for joining in. Or wrong.

Nick has emailed us. He says, Frank, Alan and Emily, on a course this week in the small town of Bromsgrove... Oh, I know it. ..our small group wandered down the high street in search of an evening meal. In an unfamiliar town within our generous £20 budget, I approached... Do you think that's per person?

Sounds all right. I don't know. If you issue a starter. It's all gone a bit tip for my hairdresser. I approached an impressive-looking statue, always worth a look to see who's been immortalised. Yeah. To read the inscription,

imagine my delight when I read the text. It was none other than A.E. Houseman. Well done for going a bit J.R. Hartley there. Wowee! He hasn't had a mention for a long time. Nick then instructs. He winds down slowly, eh? Yeah. Nick instructs to sound the warning.

I immediately thought of my three podcast friends, Frank, Alan and Emily, and I had to let you know of my excellent experience. It made my week. If Emily would care to join me to view the statue, it would be a pleasure to take her. That is all, Nick from Northwich. Nick from Northwich has called us

his three podcast friends and Northwich isn't that far from Manchester. What are you suggesting? We could be pals with Nick. Fine with that. I'll be out for that. Bromsgrove, it that. Bromsgrove. It was in Bromsgrove the first time I ever kissed a girl with glasses on.

Oh, did you like it? It's all right. I like the artificial element of it. Yeah, and... You should have gone to spec service. Yeah, it was all right. She was quite nice. And we kissed some

more. I don't want to know that bit of the story. Are you still song lyrics you're doing? No. We kissed some more. Sounds like you're quoting. I don't like that second verse. And then the following week we went back to Bromsgrove. Stop telling us what happened. It's like hanging out with Craig David. And then

and then she got off with my mate. Sounds like they didn't chill much, Al. Sorry for laughing. No, it was awful, really. It's the story of trauma and we're all cackling. I'd laid all the ground bait and then he came in and... You see those glasses ones, they'll lull you into a false sense of security. Well, me and this same mate was playing pool with a few friends a couple of days later.

I hadn't mentioned it at all. And he got a very, very lucky bounce off three cushions and the ball went in. And I was so furious that the whole thing just came flooding out. And I thought I'm just going to just tell him now. But I didn't tell, I told him in song. I complained in song. I sang. What did you say? You're so weird. I sang Who does that?

So it went in and I went and I just went Somebody stole my gal. Somebody stole my gal. Somebody came and took her away. Did you really do that? Honestly, I swear to you, that's true.

Did you grow up in West Side Story? Yeah, I was a jet. He sounds like he grew up in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Oh, Frank. Yes. I can't believe that story. They were different times.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Now then. Yeah. My favourite news story of the week. Yeah. Definitely. 16-year-old girl in Dover stuck down drag. Yeah.

Oh, Anne Birchinoff. Yes. That's her name, isn't it? Birchinoff. It's not a common name. Ella, isn't it? Oh, is it Ella? I'm sorry. Ella Birchinoff. Yeah, it's great. I believe she's called Ella Ann. But I'll let you have that. It's one of those.

I wonder what her porn name is. Isn't that a joke? You know the mom's maiden name, First Pet. I bet it won't be as good a porn name as Ella Bircham. What a thing when your real name's better than your porn name as a porn name. How often does that happen? Anyway, Ella, who's a 16-year-old schoolgirl, dropped her phone. Yeah, that's perhaps why I'm uncomfortable about those jokes.

Okay, well, I'm speaking in the abstract. Can I just say, I called her Anne. Her name is Ella Anne, so I wasn't wrong. It wasn't like lattice gate. But anyway, you know. Anyway, she's 16. If you're going to make a law... Anyway, she got stuck down a drain, Frank, in Kent.

Yes, in Dover, I think. Yeah. And I didn't quite understand her... Well, she dropped her phone, was there? I think I do understand it. Oh, do you? Go on, then. And I think I identify with it a lot. Go on.

She dropped the phone down the drain. What, with Ella Birchinoff? Yes, I think I identify with Ella Ann Birchinoff. OK, well, spare the rod and spar the child. I think she dropped the phone down the drain, and here's her thinking. She thought, if I lift this drain out and stick myself in there,

I can pick up the phone with my toes, which I kind of get. You know when somebody picks... With her toes? With her feet. You know when you sort of grab something with your feet and lift it up? Are you saying to me that Ella Birchinoff

has got sort of dexterous ape feet? Yeah. Do you know what it's a bit like? Maybe she'd watch My Left Foot that week on DVD. She got inspired. Very similar to the other day. I got in the bath and I had left my paperback novel too far away from the bath. But then I had a look and thought, hang on, it's on the rug that I can reach.

And so I flicked the rug and the paperback flew towards me. I was so happy. If ever you're locked in a cell in the Wild West, you'll be able to get out of that. I'll come and visit you. I was so happy I nearly ever you're locked in a cell in the Wild West, you'll be able to get out of that cold. I'll come and visit you. I was so happy, I nearly kicked the bath shelf off. Oh, that'd be... What's on the bath shelf?

Dock? Soap? Yeah. There'll be a few of those soaps all worn down. Small hotel soaps. Hotel soaps very worn down. I've got a room full of those. They're dangling because they're a bit too small for the gaps on the

oh do you know they've been welded together as well for reuse well as you know I got much mocked for bringing the shower gel home that I found at the swimming baths found theft by finding you said but anyway I've spoken on this show before about my joy in local

newspaper photographs when they feel they have to get every element of the story yeah in you mean the one picture so so they'll have manly one sticks in my mind if anyone one girl got to university i remember where i lived which is quite a thing and she was going to study geography and they had a picture of her in a in a mortarboard and cape holding a pile of books and pointing at a map of the world just to say oh and they had a picture of her in a mortarboard and cape, holding a pile of books and pointing at a map of the world. Just to say it all. And they had a picture of Ella Birchinoff, and this is after the fact.

They've got actual pictures of her stuck in the drain. They've got her in the drain. Yes, her mother took them. That's a whole other story. But they took Ella back to the drain in her school uniform there. So you've got the schoolgirl element, so we know she's a schoolgirl. And they got her to climb into the drain

and she's just sitting on the edge of the drain. Holding the phone. Oh, man, it's so beautiful. It's all there. They've done a recon. What about this mother? Let's come back to the mother because I need to play some music.

But it's a fabulous story. It is. It's got all the elements we need. I'd put it right up there with Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text that begins,

Let me expand, which I like. Let me expand. I saw Simon Le Bon visiting his family who lived next door to my aunt in Pinner, and she never told me. Frank, you broke my heart when you said my text had missed the point. I'm in love with you, but can't think of the right song to tell you. Perhaps unbreak my heart.

Caroline, 6, 7, 8. Or perhaps pulps help the aged. That's lovely. Well, now the whole thing makes sense. I'm sorry I said that. I'm sorry. You know I love the readers, all of you. And relax. Ella Birchinoff, how's she getting on in the drain? What about that mum?

She said, she rounded the corner, this is the mum, when Ella Bertinoff was stuck in the drain. She rounded the corner as white as a sheet and then started laughing and took a photo. Yeah. And I like the fact that she said she'll never live this down. We're going to get these pictures out when she turns 18, as if it's really far away.

It's probably about 18 months' time. I liked Ella's story of how she said, my feet, they were in some sort of liquid. She said, I think it was water. She said, but I wasn't taking any chances. So I went straight home and had a bath. Oh, yeah. So you wouldn't have had a bath otherwise,

having been stuck down a drain. See what I like. She said, I went straight home and jumped in the bath. Everybody been stuck down a drain. See, what I like is that she said, I went straight home and jumped in the bath. Everybody says jumped in the bath. Yeah, Kat says that. I pull her up on it all the time. I'm just going to jump in the shower. Jump in the shower.

I say that. You're so on. All the time. You're so on. Also, the friend. I like the friend. Just going to jump in the drain. Sorry, I'm late.

I jumped in a drain. Sorry. I find the friend who's getting slightly famous on the back of it. Have you seen the friend? Oh, no. The male friend. I jumped in a drain. Sorry. The friend who's getting slightly famous on the back of it, have you seen the friend? Oh, no. The male friend. He was in the vicinity. He was driving past.

Again, much like the mother, didn't stop to offer assistance, just took a photo and laughed. Yeah. He went on daybreak with her, though. I don't know what it's called. Is it called daybreak now? I'm not sure.

Drainbreak. They've renamed it. Very specific programme. Yeah. They don't get the three hours they're used to out of it. It's just people from Drain. What I like...

That's a good booking, isn't it? I've got the Drain girl. What I like, though, was that he described her as being in high spirits. Like she was recovering from an operation. They were asking for updates

on her progress. What's the mood in the cab? She looks like... She looked like she was a bit of a laugh. Yeah. Oh, if someone says that about me, it worries me. There was another picture of her in the local paper, sort of, and she was sort of gesturing, standing

at the side of the drain, and gesturing towards it, the way, like, a magician's assistant points at a mystical cabinet. It was like that, you know, it was brilliant. She's a celebrity now, though. You'll see who's coming. Nicky Clark,

White Power Ranger, Girl in a Drain. She'll be in Panto in Dover. Covering Jack's show. This year. The other thing I liked about it was at the bottom of the story had loads of recaps on stories

when people had been stuck in things and I think we've covered all of them on this show. Is that right? Yes, yeah. I feel proud about that. Woman that was stuck in a coat hanger. Oh, there was a woman in Ironing Board, wasn't there?

Student trapped in Ironing Board. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've got a text in that I think is new territory for the show. Caroline678 texts saying, do you know if Ian Angle is single, he sounds lovely, he's a regular correspondent with funny jokes often, I think we could have a pod night out.

And she's put one of those smiley faces on there. It would be great if they got together with FF at the Blind Date wedding. Oh, I'd love that. Lovely. But wasn't the woman who just texted in and told me she loved me, wasn't she called Caroline? Is she fickle? She might be.

This is where people that used to, you know, try and sleep with Elvis they end up with one of the Memphis Mafia assistants. No, she's just got a lot of love to give. She's like me in that respect. I don't want to offend the pinner lady again. That'd be terrible. If anyone's going to get out of the in-angle, I should. I don't want to offend the pinner lady again. That would be terrible. If anyone's going to get out with Ian Angle, I should.

I'm sorry, I was here first. You are right, it is the same lady. Ah, yeah. Oh, Caroline. She gets about, doesn't she? What happened to that? What happened to that woman? It's, oh, Frank, I really love you. Oh, Ian Angle.

I'll deal with Angle. Leave the punters to me. Oh, for goodness sake. I need to talk to you about my addiction. About your addiction? My addiction. Oh, I thought you were going to say, I thought you said diction.

Um, it's Candy Crush. Have you heard of this game, Candy Crush? I've heard of it. Yeah, I don't know what it is. I'm on level 70. There are a few adults that keep playing it. Keep playing it? Yeah.

It's taken over my life. I do it, it's the last thing I do before I go to bed. I do it when I wake up in the morning. I sneak a few games in. I do it on the loo as well. Oh, dear. Daisy. You see, I couldn't do that because I had a friend

that used to come round our house and he'd say, I'm just going to use the closet. And he'd pick up one of the Sunday newspapers. Is he someone out of a Thomas Hardy novel? No, he's a friend of mine. He used to pick up one of the Sunday papers and go to the toilet. I couldn't touch that paper after. No.

No, so if I had candy crushed in the toilet, I wouldn't want to press those buttons again. Yeah, but I got caught by Daisy, the producer. In the toilet? No. I was doing it during our post-show brunch when you were all talking and I was pretending to listen to the conversation and contribute.

And she saw all these primary coloured fruits coming up on my screen. It's very addictive like that though, isn't it? I was compared at a stand-up gig by somebody that was playing Candy Crush just whilst people were on. He was like, that sounds dangerous, doesn't it? Well, the other thing is that when you see other people, I've been crush just whilst people were on. He was... That sounds dangerous. Well, the other thing is that when you see other people,

I've been on the tube and then I've seen other people playing it and I've thought, loser. And then I've realised I'm playing it. You're one of those. I judge them, but I don't know. But yeah, no, it's addictive. I don't check it out. I don't want to get hooked on a game. Don't want to go there. No, but... And it costs money as well. I've spent fortunes. Have you?

Yeah. Oh, I'm out. I'm trapped. I'm addicted. I'm immediately out. I'm gone. You have to pay for it. Well, you have to pay if you want to buy, it says, would you like to purchase a sweet set of lives? No. Yeah. £1.69 a go. OMG. But that is funny with apps, isn't it? Do you find that with apps? And I'm going, 69p? No way. Any other area of life. Cup of coffee, £8, certainly. An app, £120. £120? Something that'll give me hours and hours of pleasure and interest.

£120? Forget about it. Too dear. I'm not wasting time reading books or something. But what is it about apps that we're so strict on what they should cost? And they're cheap. There's a new one, though. Have you heard of Papers, Please?

Yes. As we call it, Papers, Please. Is this the dystopian nightmare one? Is it possible to say without saying Papers, Please? Kill him. It's a made-up security guard or something, isn't it? You play a border inspector at this continuous checkpoint.

And it's sort of admin-based, the game. Yes, I don't really like real-life admin. Like Frank Tate-Paul's jokes. It sounds a bit like work. I quite like the idea of fake admin, though, strangely. I think I could get into that. We'll come back to this, because I had a slightly embarrassing experience

on the game front recently. Oh, God. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was in Southwold. I was in a cafe next to the pier. Yeah. And one of the guys I was with said to me,

and this was not a joke, it's a serious thing, he said to me, they've got whack-a-mole. And I said, I've just had lunch. And I honestly thought that he was saying guacamole in a bit of a wacky, you know, comedy way. And he meant whack-a-mole. You know that game when you hit a, when moles caught you hitting with hammers? Yeah, when you whack a mole. You can see what they've done there. Yeah, I've had such a fool of them. And he just looked, you know, the people look at you like that.

Trying to work out if I was joking or not. I like the idea of the papers, please, though. Yeah. Because it won an award or something, didn't it? Well, you know, I like all sort of Soviet bloc-based. Well, you check everyone's documents, and you make a decision based on whether you trust them. You've got us to trust me.

Yeah, I can't quite understand every... I don't play any of those... It's like a game you'd play on a computer to be on a screen and all that stuff. Is it called a PC game? Is that what it is? Well, it's not Prepare to Meet Your Maker, scumbag. It's not one of those games. No, but I've never played any of those games. To me, it's like watching cartoons, but with added responsibility.

Yeah. And I don't really want... I like to just sit back. I don't want to be operating control of things. I'd love a game. I'd like a game. I'd like Caché No. 4, please. Or I'd just work in a post office. I'd love that, yeah. Don't want my nectar card.

It'd be a good game to re-stick the sat-nav back on the windscreen if it's got one of those slightly difficult suction things. You know when a sat-nav gets old and it just goes... When a sat-nav gets old, it'd be a great ITV document. You should pull up a card. I'm now written idly with when a sat-nav gets...

We all drive regularly, but you know, I guess we're reaching a time now where sat-navs, they felt like a new thing, and now they're not such a new thing. That sucker on the back, is that going to last forever? Well, let's have a look. And then some clips. It's not.

Some clips of it falling off. I like the idea of that piece to camera on a busy dual carriageway, maybe, Frank, with a scarf blowing in the breeze. I mean, the only way to get round the suction thing getting old is to get a car that's got built inside that, but not everyone wants that, does it? No, I've got one of those. Of course you do. Of course you do.

You can text my car. You can text your car? I can text my car. Shut up. And it'll put in a destination. Wow. Fabulous. It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it?

Never text back, though. I like Alan Partridge. It's amazing what they've been doing now, isn't it? I like Alan Partridge. But I had an idea for a sort of TV game show called... I like it when you launch shows on here. Yeah. It's called When Workmates Blossom.

Oh, yeah? And people come in and talk about people they've worked with and been quite playing for years, you know, male or female. You know when someone... When Workmates Blossom! I honestly thought this was going to be a gardening show. You know when someone comes in and you think, they're looking good. They've blossomed.

Yeah, they're looking good. Who's this directed at? Have you seen Dave? He's lost a bit of weight. He's in Susan the Wester. She looks great. I've never really noticed that. And then people come in and they bring videos

before and after of workmates who have lost their lives. Videos. It has to be VHS. Yeah, definitely VHS. Can't download clips or anything. Probably early days. No downloading. Anyway, look, that's about all.

Thank you so much for listening. Mark Crossley is coming up next. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you, Manchester, for having us. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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