The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - 4 Star-Gate

Episode Date: August 23, 2014

4 Star-gate: It's the last week in Edinburgh and Frank is upset by his 4 star reviews. The team discuss Kellie Maloney on CBB and Old Ma Murray on Strictly! Also, what's your best excuse? Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning in Edinburgh. You can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I think Emily Dean has been reading some kind of weird status, like how to get on at work manual type thing, because she's put her stool at the highest possible setting.

You are. FYI, I don't need to read any manual. You are very high. You look like a meeting point. I mean, I'm a fairly tall figure of a man, but she's towering over me. I've put my chair on the Stephen Merchant setting. Yes. And I'm happy with it.

I hope it does. You know, sometimes they suddenly drop those chairs. If you accidentally catch the lever with the stiletto here. It all suddenly drops, darling. I don't know about suddenly. It hasn't been an avalanche. Surely it's been more like subsidence. Still looking great,

I must say. But it's hard to tell from that height. I've got my binoculars with me, if you want. We've actually had an email, Frank, that I do want to... Don't say it like that. We never get any emails. But, I mean, straight off the blocks,

I thought I'd chuck it at you to see if we can get interaction beginning. Clear pops are coming at you. Yeah, exactly. Dear Mr Radio, Divine Miss M and Lecoq, deletion of introductory praise for hilarity of show. Just thought I would share my excitement at having snapped up some tickets

to come and see Frank in Belfast in December. It is going to be great! Exclamation mark. Is that a quote from the poster? No, that's what she's telling you. I like her confidence. Yeah, me too. I noticed that Frank will be coming from Dublin the night before

and was wondering if he might be interested in participating in some cross-border smuggling action. Perhaps a lesser-known fact, but Cadbury's chocolate in the south is far superior to that commonly stocked in Northern Ireland. Is it? If Frank was willing, I would make the purchasing and carrying of a few bars of Cadbury's Golden Crisp,

a variety not even stocked this side of the border, worth his while. I'm thinking in exchange for a homemade cloak, some non-alcoholic wine or a new book for Buzz. Awaiting your reply in which we can iron out the details of our arrangement. In either case, very much looking forward to the show. Best regards

Lizzie Scott, 775. The thing is with Lizzie Scott is that she needs to get her head around the fact that smuggling is generally an undercover activity. Not discussed in the public forum with full names. Good point. Good point.

So I think what she's done is she should have contacted me privately. Maybe one of those IMD messages. Oh, yeah. You know those IMD messages? Oh, yeah. Is it IM? I don't know what it is. I think she would need your phone number or email.

Some letters. There are letters involved also, I remember. Send him a letter. iMessage. What about WhatsApp? You love WhatsApp, don't you? Yeah, yeah, or send me one of those Mezzograms. Send me one of those.

Oh, yeah. Those Mezzograms. It's congratulatory. Mezzogram. Yeah, send me one of those. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram.

Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram.

Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. Mezzogram. I hope it's not high, Lizzie. But good try. Muzzle grow. Yeah, send me one of those. Muzzle text. I hope they're not high, Lizzie.

But good try. Can I get something off my chest? Well... Yeah, you're all right. We don't have webcam here. I was in my hotel this morning. Yes. With my John. I decided to order...

You brought your travel, John. No. I decided to order a cup of coffee. Okay. So I rung downstairs. Do they not have tea and coffee making facilities? They do, but I'd like someone to bring it for me. She likes other people to make it for her.

It was the other side of the room. I said, excuse me. Yeah, but he was sleeping. Yeah. I said, is it madame like to order one decaf cappuccino, please? I said, I'm sorry, madame. At this time, only available bacon sandwich, tea and coffee. I said, yeah, I'd like to order a cappuccino please i'm sorry madam at this time only available bacon sandwich uh tea and coffee i said yeah i'd like to order a cappuccino he said no only bacon sandwich tea and coffee

i said a cappuccino is a coffee he went oh who works in a hotel and doesn't know that a cappuccino is a coffee at that point did you continue with your order i said well it is a coffee and he went at that point, did you continue with your order? I said, well, it is a coffee, and he went, oh. And then he was silent, and then I said, so can you sort this out for me? He goes, I will speak to the manager, see what we can do. And did you get it? Oh, did I ever. Well, see,

I respect you for that, because once he said he didn't know a cappuccino was a coffee, I think I'd have lost heart. I wouldn't have proceeded. I don't want that cappuccino. But it's great that it went to the highest level. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I'd like to run something by you. Sure. We're at the Edinburgh Festival, many of our readers will know. Mm-hm. And the Edinburgh Festival is, of course, it's one of the world's great art festivals, but lots of people say to me, what's it like?

What's it like to be a comic up there? I have a story that something that happened this week, which I think sums up the odd world one finds oneself in. I think people go through some strange stages when, you know, you're doing your three and a half weeks of gigs every night. Oh, yeah. No nights off. 8.45 to a square theatre. Don't bother, it's sold out.

Oh, God. Anyway, I had... Now, here's the thing that happened to me. My sister-in-law, who I love very much, sent me a lovely photo, which she entitled Proud Buzz. Oh, yeah. Buzz is the name of my son, as many of you will know. And it was a picture of him standing in the street.

He's two, standing in the street, looking up at a poster of me in shock and awe. And it's a lovely picture. in shock and awe. And on the... It's a lovely picture. I thought, oh, that's a beautiful picture. And then I noticed on the poster, you know they did this thing where people stick on reviews, or stars they stick on,

for Emily's stars. So there was a load of these stuck in the corner of the poster, all four-star reviews. So I sent a text to my manager immediately when I received this photo, and I'm going to read it to you. Go on. Why are you putting four-star review stickers on my posters? I don't need to pay people to make me look mediocre.

Tell me this is a made-up text. You didn't really send this. I thought you agreed with me that four-star reviews equal failure. That was it. That was my text. Can I say, I like the use of, I thought you agreed with me. That's quite a female thing to do. That's like black belt level passive-aggressiveness, isn't it?

Did you get a reply? Not by text. I got one the next day. Oh, did you? Okay. Saying it wasn't us, it was the venue. Oh. I don't believe that.

Can I tell you what I like with you? Is that with your texts, there's no ramp into the anger. It's not, listen, I wanted to talk to you, mate, about something. Well, the text is such a brief thing. I like to hit the ground running. Yes. And I was absolutely furious by Proud Boss. That's nice.

It's made me go through absolutely through the ceiling. The ceiling. I did say, I did send another one saying, yeah, really all they're advertising is the fact that I haven't had any five-star reviews. Yeah. I'll tell you this now. You had done it in just one text. That's great.

It was a volley. No, because I thought that was a good point that I hadn't thought of at the time, so I sent that as an addendum. I hope you included the picture of Boz, so you were ranting over a photograph of a child. Because at first he disputed that there were any stars up on the stairs. Don't tell me you sent evidence. So I had to send a photograph of my child to prove quite a cynical business point.

So did he have to send back a cute picture, but... I'm not sure my manager has ever said cute in his life. Did he send back lols, however? No. He definitely didn't do that. See, my family cut this whole thing out. I know for a fact that in my wife's phone

there is a poster of me in a similar thing, but with my son in front of it, holding his hand up like an L in front of my forehead next to the picture. Basically saying I'm a loser. No, I got it. Yeah. He looked at me and thought,

actually, he's a bit old, he probably won't get it. Really resent that. Did I tell you a woman apologised to me because she said, sorry, I thought I ought to say apologies because my dog pees on your poster every morning outside my flat. Oh. Can you believe it? I invoiced her.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I got a text in from 390 about a four-star gate. Oh, yeah. Four and a half stars, I should say, would have at least shown the reviewer had considered the rating. Four just gives it all an air of being slipshod. Yeah. What, the show or the review?

No, I think the review. Let's face it, I've had a four-star career. It's been good. Good, but not very good. But, you know, I'm hanging on, as Sylvester Stallone said. This is where it put me after. And also, I did a crossword with my mother-in-law.

Oh, yeah? How was that? It was... Times have changed a bit for you, Post Geek, haven't they? Over the last ten years. They Times have changed a bit for you post-gig, haven't they, over the last ten years? Yeah, that was a... Well, they certainly have changed. One young woman approached me after the show the other night, and as many have in recent years, in previous years, rather,

and she said, I've got something that you might like. And it was a tense moment. She gave me a 1960s Buffalo Bill annual. Oh. Fantastic. Well, that's not what we used to exchange in the old days. But I was very pleased, thrilled even. It's better.

It's a gift that keeps on giving. Right. Yeah. Thrilled. I was thrilled. Anyway, I was doing a crossword. This was after Four Star Gate, so I was still reeling. Yeah.

It's Four Star Gate, what we're going to call it, because it sounds like season four of Stargate. Yeah. Television, sci-fi. You know Frank's love of an American TV series. So, yeah, so we were doing, I was reeling, but we are in Edinburgh. I was reeling, but we are in Edinburgh. So, she said, OK, the clue is common term for very funny,

and it was seven letters beginning with K. Oh. Any idea? I don't think we do enough radio crosswords on actual radio. Just out of interest, how long will we give it? Ruminating time. No, I don't. I think we have to move on.'d love to comment very funny anyway she said oh well that's killing isn't it very funny killing and i thought i've never heard that and it worries me that there's a common term for very

funny that i've never heard in 27 years as a comedian. It's quite an American sort of stand-up thing to say, I was killing tonight, man. Is that what it means? Is that what they say? Do they say you killed it? Does that mean that... I thought that meant something very different. That Batman comic, and indeed that ban, the killing joke, then.

Oh, yeah. Is that what that means? I think it must be, but I wouldn't use that as a common term. I would think that's less common, like an industry term almost, or a transatlantic term for very funny. There's a new one on me. We're discussing Crosswords With Your Mother-in-Law on Absolute Radio this morning.

Crosswords With Your Mother-in-Law must be a play by Alan Benny. It sounds like one of the gentler chapters in your autobiography. Exactly. But, yeah, it was revelatory. I've never heard that before. I took part in a sort of revelatory moment last night. Did you? I was doing a gig and there was a couple sitting in the front row.

And I noticed they had a drink underneath them on the floor that had got two straws in it. Oh. And I said, are you sharing a drink? And they said, oh, yeah yeah we've got a pint of cider and we've got two straws in it they were local people he seems a nice boyfriend

and I said well how does it I said you put it on the floor like that I said do you drink it simultaneously they said no no we just drink it when we get thirsty I said well why how do you remember because they were both black well, how do you remember? Because they were both black straws.

I said, how do you remember whose straw is which? And they said, oh, well, you know, it doesn't matter to us. And I said, well, why not just have one straw? And they both looked like I'd torn down the very fabric of their relationship. It was like one of those... It's like they were outraged at one level that they couldn't... And then they thought, yes, why don't we? I really felt like I'd opened their eyes.

People are strange, aren't they? People come to my gigs just to touch the hem of my garment. A man came up to me after my gig and I would have sworn he had not enjoyed my show and he said, that was really good tonight, Alan. I was sat right at the front, and you teased my mate a little bit, so I was trying my best not to laugh all the way through it. Oh.

And he'd been deliberately not laughing. It's like going for a meal in a restaurant and thinking, I'm not going to say, mmm, at any point. It's a really odd instinct I think. Well a couple stopped me as I left the theatre the other night and said excuse me, look I don't want to be, I don't want to cause a problem but we brought our ten year old daughter

tonight and we were told it was PG and there was a lot of material and it was completely unsuitable for a ten year old girl. I said I'm sorry but they said yeah you know but it is upsetting, it's very embarrassing. I said I'm sorry but they said yeah you know but it is upsetting it's very embarrassing. I said I can see that and they said yeah anyway could we have a photo? Wow.

Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So yes it's been a strange week. Do you have any methods Alan? I don't want to give you a a strange week. Do you have any methods, Alan? I don't want to give you a hospital pass here, but do you have any...

You know those nights when you just think, I don't know if I'm funny, really. Do you have any tapes, self-motivation tapes, that say you are the funniest man on the planet? Oh, that'd be good. I should really record... Would it be better if I said it to myself or record you saying that,

and then me just listening to it over and over again? other yeah you need to do i've told you about that very well-known comic who uh speaks to paul mckenna oh yeah yeah and he rings him up i won't name him obviously um it's more of a preparing a corporate gig, isn't it? That feels like. No, he does it for everything. He rings him up and says, you're amazing, you're fantastic, you're incredible. You can do this. You know you can.

OK. And then he goes to the bathroom for a long period of time. OK. After a couple of espressos and then he's on. Wow. Right. I've got a different routine where I've been stretching my shoulder which has been getting a bit stiff during this month

and I've been writing like a little list almost habitually, I've got a bag full of bits of paper of the exact same list of sort of the show content and then I go on it's not very rock and roll is it? just a piece of paper with the same words on it

again and again every night. I'll tell you what I have done in the past. Yeah? And I can't remember the bloke's name now, but I think about the man who wrote the one show theme. Yeah. You know the one show theme is... One...

One... One... I always think think when he went into the meeting when they after he'd been commissioned when he went

in to play to the BBC people I think that is when you that the confidence that he showed

to be able to sit there and say here it is guys one one and even look I bet he stared at them hard

unflinchingly I bet he really thought you know brazened it out one to the point where they couldn't say no yeah

yeah because he couldn't lose faith yeah one and they still got away with it to the point where

they said okay we'll actually have that as the theme tune as one of our sort of flagship shows that's the sort of confidence you need to go into a comedy gig with

and let's face it, who's laughing now? Yes. Well, I'd say about 30% of them. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had a text about that couple that were sharing the cider, but I think it slightly misunderstands your story. 096 has texted,

Frank, cider couple were sharing. With just one straw, they couldn't share. They would have to take turns. But they were taking turns. Yeah. You see people, they don't listen. Thanks for joining in. Thanks for joining in. Thanks for joining in.

Arthur. Arthur Northerner, he's saying. Arthur, yeah. Arthur Northerner, he's calling. Is that what he's called? Yeah. Arthur Sentence, that's what he is. But thanks, Arthur.

I do appreciate you sending in. You just misunderstood. Good man. If you'd like to have Frank shoot down the logic of your text, it's 8-12-15. Or just have my life. You know, we took a photo earlier. Well, Charlie, who works on the show, took a photograph.

Of us sitting around? Yes. Pre-show. We were getting in the zone, weren't we? We were getting in the zone. Well, we've had quite a few comments passed on this photograph. Three of us on sofas. It's been tweeted on at Frank on the radio.

Yes. If you could give a... Richie Blue Eyes. If you could give a hoot. Richie Blue Eyes. Yeah. Says, good morning. Looks a bit Doctor's Waiting Room.

Okay. He gave a hoot. Yeah. I love give a hoot. Arwen Thomas. This is the front cover of definitely maybe 20 years on also good simon matthews alan is steve marriott of the small faces i'll take that he is a bit but he's got that bit of mod things a lot of the well actually the slightly older young comics i've got if you know what i mean but i haven't i've had it cut i had an edinburgh i know but you you know you like a have got, if you know what I mean. But I haven't. I've had it cut. I had an Edinburgh haircut.

I know, but you know, you like a bottom-down colour. Do you know what? I had a very Edinburgh Festival thing where I went for a haircut and it was after I'd got my show up and running and I was happy with it and I had this moment of thinking, ah, this isn't going to affect the show, is it? Like Samson. Do you want to hear the final review of our photograph?

I'd love to. Dev says, looks like the break-up meeting of ABBA. That's very good indeed. Deb is a funny person. That is good. Four stars. Yeah. No, I think that's five stars.

If it was four stars, I wouldn't have mentioned it. No, that's funny. I don't think we have enough caption competitions on the radio. No, crosswords and caption competitions. What's happened to this show? More look-alikes as well, that's what we need. I think we might win a visual award at this year's radio show. We've won everything else.

Best speech. We won't win again. We've won everything else. Not quite true. Oh, laugh. No, come on. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I think we may owe you a little apology. Occasionally in the three-way conversations, whilst we're also looking at text messages and stuff like that, the odd joke just hits the ground, doesn't it? Some of them do fall on stony ground. Yeah, we've had a text...

It's happened to me a couple of times. I'm not being funny, but it has. Moi aussi. If you're not being funny, don't worry about it. 096, Graham the chauffeur has texted, Morning Frank thought the reeling joke earlier deserved more of a laugh than it received Thank you Graham for spotting that

I appreciate it I don't think I spotted it Oh my people Because it's Scotland and reels Oh my people Scotland and reels Reels You know the dance, the dance, the reel

Oh no, I got it You are Scottish I am Scottish You don't know what a reel is You didn't need the question mark on there. You know, it's a Scottish dance. What do you mean, like a jig? Well, no, it's like one of those communal,

that one's a man shouts, you know, and now take your partner to the left and all that. A reel, a reel, you know, when you dance a reel. Didn't you ever watch the Hogmanay show? I don't think shouting reel at me is helping. I know what it is. It works when I'm abroad. I'm really confused.

You can just shout what you want louder and louder. Yeah, you didn't watch the White Heather Club. No. Do you mean like, look at us come in from the Alaska. I know that one. Yeah, well, reel. It's a great night out of reel.

I went to a party at Skibo Castle and they had reels. Is it like a ceilidh? Is that what you're suggesting? It's a particular dance. Stop saying is it like. It just had a reel. I went to a party at Scebo Castle and they had reels. Is it like a curly? Is that what you're suggesting? It's a particular dance. Stop saying is it like. It just is a reel. Stop saying is it like. That's not helping though. Just chowing at me with the same one. It's like you know a barn dance when

they're square dancing. So you've just done it now. It's like. No but I'm actually saying something that it is like. I'm not completely. I know about a, yeah. I'm not anti-simile, but if it's a random simile, it's not helpful. It's a barn dance. You get a man calling instructions to people and you dance in a line and then two people dance in the middle and cross arms and go out like that. It's like that, but it's Scottish. I've done it. Got you. But you are Scottish. Yes, but I left at seven before my socialising

in the real community would have begun, I think. What, on your own? You could reel, I think you could reel at seven, couldn't you? Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't know, honestly, I'm appalled. The Guardian. Four stars. Two stars. I got five in the mirror on Monday, which cheered me up.

Did you? I thought you weren't interested in them. I didn't say I wasn't interested. You know when you get Five in the Mirror, do they do like, I believe Paul Ross used to have this film reviews, Frank, Five Bottles of Beer, if he liked a movie. I don't. What I did, I looked up from the newspaper to my small

family, and my way of telling them was by going i'm starting with the five in the mirror nobody got it nobody got it nobody got it the guardian i don't two stars i don't even know anything about my press i've i've been walking well i'll tell you it's been appalling oh don't do that shall i tell you what it's a bitalling. Oh, don't do that. Shall I tell you what it's like? You meanie. Shall I tell you what it's a bit like? What's it a bit like? It's a bit like barn dance.

I've been walking past the board that contains the press outside the venue that I'm in. If I'm going to another venue, I walk past it with my hand up like that, like a blinker. Do you? Yeah. I only do that with a magpie. Like Woody Allen when they show clips this footage of the films and he just turns his back to it it's like me with an x really yeah pardon it's like me with an x i don't want to hear anything well most of woody allen's films aren't me with an x as far as he's yeah it's

uh he's got it's on it's interesting the things that embarrass and don't embarrass, with the outline. Yes. We've had a text, 641. Don't text those in. Frank, I've just done that crossword ten minutes ago and had a big discussion with husband about the killing answer. We didn't get it either. Well, what about that, eh? As a friend of mine used to say, it's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Yeah, I like Hoover it as well. I don't get the killing thing. No. Anyone's just tuned in now. They're going to be like, what the fuck is this? I don't get the killing thing. I don't know, I don't mind.

I can see where they're coming from, those people. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday fromner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Please. Nice bit of... You should have a please on it, that note. It should be, yeah.

Just tell people what to do, like that. Slightly exposed the mechanics that you're reading it off a note there. Single file. I think people probably guessed. Remember that in the corridor, single file? You had to walk to single file. Yes, oh, yeah, yeah. I just had a terrible guilt.

I used to be a fat kid. We used to shout that out. Did you? In the corridor. Single file. Oh, I see. Children, children. It's like when I bought deodorant for this manly girl as a Christmas present.

Children are so cruel, aren't they? No, I was about 32 at the time. Fair enough. I have an email for your perusal here. Hi, Frank M and Al. Abbreviated. Interesting. After last week's discussion on Kelly Maloney,

Kelly has since entered the celebrity Big Brother house. Any new readers who are not familiar, Kelly Maloney used to be Frank Maloney, the boxing manager and promoter. Now Kelly. Now a lady. And they've put celebrity

in inverted commas here. Celebrity Big Brother house, brackets, aka the meeting place for the stars of other reality TV shows. A bit of a critic. Only four stars. As you may remember... There's four stars in there.

As you may remember, Frank mentioned that the name Kelly could be inspired by Lorraine Kelly. Is she Frank Skinner, not Frank Maloney? Oh, yeah. Can we say, just in case you didn't know... That's your next autobiography title, Frank Skinner, not Frank Maloney. Oh, yes. Can we say, just in case you didn't hear it last week... Can that be your next autobiography title, Frank Skinner, not Frank Maloney?

Yeah. Well, his could be not Frank Maloney. We were talking about Frank Maloney's... Transformation. Transformation, an extremely positive thing. I was saying that he looks great, and he looks like Lorraine Kelly, that was my point. Absolutely brilliant.

And I wondered if he deliberately modelled himself on Lorraine Kelly. Well, sure enough, as Kelly entered the house, one of the Kelly Maloney fun facts read out by the Big Brother man was that the two people she would most like to meet are George Best and Lorraine Kelly. Do we need any further evidence? Yes. But this is what strikes me

if I heard of a woman who'd had the change and then modelled herself on me I would be massively flattered yeah how do you think Lorraine Kelly's taken the homage I'm not sure but I would say this

it's going to be significantly easier to meet Lorraine Kelly than George Best if anyone went into Big Brother and said I want to meet George Best they'd be on the series so I'd watch day one as far as I'm concerned well some of them are already but that's another story Kelly's

can I give you updates I'm sure you two are gigging and haven't been able to watch Celebrity Big Brother I haven't seen it I've watched some of it Kelly I'm going to call her Afka gigging and haven't been able to watch Celebrity Big Brother. I haven't seen it. I've watched some of it. Kelly, I'm going to call her Afka, artist formerly known as Frank.

It's doing rather well, very dignified. Oh, good. Compared to, I mean, it's all reality stars. And I hate the reality stars going in. It's like when there's the old couple on Blind Day. I hate reality. But you don't, you know, part of... Four stars, Sunday time.

Frank, part of the fun of it is to see them. It's the gimmick, isn't it? Seeing them making a stir fry and getting up in the morning. But you see them doing that all the time anyway. Yeah, exactly. That's what they do. And they all say when they do their videos, all the TOWIE people, they say, well, I don't suffer falls gladly and I speak my mind.

Yeah. Oh. But everyone says that when they're going thing is with me yeah i tell you what i'm like no you don't know what you're like that's right you know what you were like you would meet george best there's a porn star frenchie she got booed she had a good figure yeah can i tell you that's basically why they boo her oh dear she's got a good figure and she's pretty. Can I tell you who you'd love, Frank?

Gary Boosie. Gary Boosie? What's his story? Oh, is Gary Boosie from the Body Holly story? Yes, I believe so, yeah. Wow, Gary Boosie. There is a star in there. He is like you, in some way,

because he totally throws the social contract out the window. He walks in all those reality stars pretending they say, oh, you know my brother? No, I don't. I don't know him. Right. I like the sound of it. You'd love him.

I think I've heard of Gary Boosie before. He's a bit of a loose cannon. Oh, he is. I love you. He was great as Boddy Holliver. Audley Harrison. My name's Audley. Audie.

Arlie. Argie. Just you know why. OK. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What about when the porn star introduced herself to Gary Boosie? Go on. And she said, Hi, you, we know each other.

No, we don't. I don't know you. I like you. He's like you, Frank. I can imagine why a man might deny knowing her, aren't they? Yeah. Can I ask, on the back back to kelly maloney kelly what is the sort of what percentage would you say um on on the transgender thing i've got a tension about this question how many men if how many men become women and women become men?

Is it mainly men? That's a Spice Girls song. Is it mainly men? Yeah, that would be a... That's a funny B-side. If they came back sort of slightly done up. If they went with that, what's his name? Rick Rubin did a Spice Girls album

with them in black and white photos standing in a field. That would be one of their... How many men become women, How many women become men? How many men become women? How many girls become men? That's how it went up. No, but is it usually men becoming women? Is that the high percentage?

If anyone knows, text it in. I'm assuming so, but I don't know what women? Is that the high percentage? Oh, I see. I'm assuming so, but I don't know what I'm basing that assumption on. No, because you hear mainly about men becoming women, but it's a two-way. Yeah. I think that's because that's, I don't know, that seems like crossing to the sunny side of the street to become a lady. If you're going to do it, do it like Kelly. Yeah.

Is the T-shirt I had printed this morning. Oh, okay. No, but I don't want to go on about it. I'm becoming something of an obsessive fan. But the look is all right. The clothes are right. The hair's right. The makeup's right.

Don't go overboard. That's what I'm going to say. Yeah. No, well, I would have put money against it, but now he's done it a treat. What I would say, there isn't any

chance, is there here? And I don't want to be cynical. He didn't do it just to get on Celebrity Big Brother, did he? He's going to change back after. You do sound a bit cynical. You change back. I don't know if you can. I don't know if there's going to be. I mean, they've got, you know, there's formaldehyde. You do sound a bit

cynical, and like an old man watching the telly. No, but there is no... That couldn't be, could it? Because people you know, nowadays, they'll do anything to get on. Yes, they will. That's true. But I can't think of anything. They'll do ice buckets. I can think of things that would upset me

more. Four stars, the Independent. But, I really hope that isn't what's happened. It's a sort of strange, twisted version of the Witness Protection Program. Yeah. I mean, there are other celebrities that will literally jump through hoops to get on telly now. I'm not just talking about Tomball. Although that does seem like it.

That is what that is, isn't it? I think you're on about Podsy. I haven't seen Tom, but is it good? It's all right, you know. What do they do then, forward rolls? Yes, gymnastics on the telly. They get drunk and then they have to walk home on their own. But Judy Murray is apparently joining the...

I don't you ever mention her in that kind of throwaway term. Old Ma Murray, as you like to give her the full handle. Oh, no, but I love Judy Murray. You do? And she's joining the celebs on Strictly Come Dancing. Well, I look forward to that. This is her big Martine McCutcheon moment. I mean, she's one of the pioneers of the yummy mummy movement.

Do you think? Yeah. Is she? She's a yummy Murray. Yummy Murray? That's all she is. I would... She's going to be competitive, Frank.

I just... If she wins, imagine her climbing over the audience in an elaborate ball gown to kiss Andy Murray in the back row. Or perhaps to kiss somebody else and forget Andy like he did to her. Yes, yes. Yes, but I tell you she won't be kissing the girlfriend.

No. Oh, no. She'll maybe accidentally put her heel straight through her earlobe. Get it caught and that's to drag it, drag it. Ah, Kim's ears

going, ah! Kim's ears? Kim's ears. Oh, sorry. Oh, weird, weird. Sorry. Weird, strange coincidence You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps And in London and the South East on 105.8 FM Absolute Radio. You know, you were talking about your little crossword earlier. Yes. 641 has tweeted us,

Never mind killing, did you get layette? Answer for a set of baby things. I swear they find words no one has even heard of to put in that crossword. So you were doing the same crossword, 641. Yes. Yes, my mother-in-law got it. Did she? Layette. I haven't had a layette for many years.

You know, I just get a buffalo bill and you'll know if I'm lucky. Hey, comedy's changed, hasn't it? Now you'll say, my mother-in-law, she got the answer to the crossword. It's actually quite positive nowadays, isn't it? I was doing a crossword with my mother-in-law. Wonderful woman. I said, set of baby things.

Eight letters. Sorry, carry on. Well, I was just going to say, on the subject of Kate Bush, did you see that this week she said that she didn't want people to film her gigs on their iPads or phones or take photographs? Yes, she did say that. Yes. And I think there was a little bit of a response of like,

oh, moody, a bit gnarky, but I think she sort of has a point. She probably hasn't toured or done much live stuff since the advent of everybody having a camera. No, hold on, when she last toured there wasn't an internet. Exactly. It's true. So it's barely a camera. It's extremely distracting, even if you are a bit more used to it,

like you and I would be now at the end of a month. I was doing my stand-up set the other night, and a woman who I think was in her 40s... Absolutely disgusting. ..spent a long time in the second row just filming on her iPhone to the point where I kind of went, I'm really sorry, but could you not film it? And then it just, it's like a speed bump to the gig, isn't it?

It immediately makes you look like a slightly schoolmasterly stick in the mud. Well, then don't wear those gold Lorax hot pants. I had a motorboard as well. I had a bloke in who had one of those. He had a camera. You know those ones actually on a stand? Yes, I've seen those.

With like a piece of black cloth that goes... Oh, yeah, yeah. Box brownie. And you hold up a... He held up like a little hod, a small hod with powder on there. Oh, yeah. I'm getting a very old crowd here. Yeah, he's a long-term fan.

Was he insisting that you pull a very stern expression and didn't smile? Exactly. Yeah. I mean, I found those false moustache irritating. He's been a fan since your merchandise was the Frank Skinner two-reeler. Yeah. Yeah, because you know all about reels. Yeah, I do know about the reeling, yeah.

What about Judy? We were talking about Judy. Oh, Judy, Judy, Judy, you know I love you. Do you know who else is on it? Born in the slums of Bristol. That's what your dad used to say. That was his favourite line, Frank's dad. I feel like Judy Murray might be in there

partly because they know that she will get headlines because the tabloids can affect... Oh, she'll get headlines? Yeah, but she'll get tennis-related headlines like, Judy Murray aces it, and, oh, we've got a juicy story for you. And they'll spell it D-E-U. She'll be wearing nets one week. Yeah, she will.

Oh, definitely. Nets. Well, I saw her publicity photo. Did you see? And it's her going to surf with one of those. You know those paddles they hold up the judges with the numbers? Oh, right. Going to surf with one of those.

And I thought to myself, I know, even though that's the publicity picture, that one of the judges one week will do that when she's on. Totally. And we'll get a really big laugh and I'll be sitting at home thinking, why do I even bother? That was what I thought about the publicity picture. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

The photograph that was taken of the three of us earlier, which has been put online, I've put up online. Back to the caption competition. Yes. We've had a tweet from A. Smith who says, it looks like... What, from their forge?

It looks like a marriage guidance session. M on her mobile, Alan Moore interested in his mag, and Frank trying to mediate. Alan Moore? Famous comic writer. Well, I've done a few relationship

counselling things, and I'll tell you what, when I first went, what startled me, it was a very bare room. It was like three chairs, coffee table and nothing. But on the table there was a box of tissues. Oh.

Anticipating tears. Mm-hmm. But I wasn't that funny as it turned out. Four stars, relate. And you didn't sit looking at an Oasis article in Q magazine like I am in that picture. Oh, yeah, I was drawn in. It's the mob, this.

It was so cold to me. Another thing about the whole celeb strictly come dancing thing is that Bruce has apparently said that one of the reasons that he's given up is that the stairs on the set were bad for his health and he was going up and down them 40 times. Yes. 40 times a live show, which seems unfair for a man in his 80s. Given the budget on that television programme,

surely they could have put a Stanis Stairmaster in and he could have gone up and down it. That would have taken too long. That would have taken... On live telly, imagine having to wait for that. It could have got really fast, wouldn't it? It would have been great. Or they could have done, like, a musical number,

as Russell Grant would call it. Or an escalator, like on the London Underground. Something's cooking in the kitchen, they could have done. That'd been good. Whilst the Stanistair lift goes up and down. But it would cut to the lovely blonde lady, and then she'd be waiting to do the link. 1970s, lovely blonde lady.

Looking over her shoulder, and, you know, he'll be here in a minute. I mean, it would be. I think he's mistaken, isn't he? I don't think he does go up and down the stairs 40 times. He says 50 times. His other reason, he said, I've got to do too much. He said, I've got to introduce the judges.

I like that he thinks we'll all be able to relate to that. He's, you know, he's an older gentleman now. I'm a bit fretful for the show without him, I have to say. Yeah. He was an interesting part of the tension. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I've had a little bit of a revelation whilst up here. A little bit of a revelation. Frank Spencer. Yeah. Well, actually. I didn't like that episode of some mothers do i had to there was a

woman in the audience of the night called betty and i said did you get a lot of she was you know i suppose she was i don't know late 20s or something and i said you get a lot of people say ooh betty when you said i don't know what you're talking about no i said you know betty and she said what is that that sounds like it went well. Yeah. Two stars that night. A daily star. No stars. So I got back to my flat,

and I've been a bit lax with the domestics, the chores. I had a massive pile of washing up, a really big pile of washing up. There's no dishwasher in the flat. That thing when some of the lower stuff's welded together. Exactly that. And also, it's a kitchen that's got a basin. It's got one of those plastic

you know, the bowl inside the sink. And so, sometimes I've just been turning the tap on and then leaving it and then forgetting and thinking, I can't be bothered washing up after all. So it's got like dirty old water and you have to tip it out and start again. Oh, see, I like that.

Because you can be sick down the side without getting in the crockery. Ha-ha! So I got back in. I've cleaned that up a bit. The one night that I've had a few drinks this festival, I got back in. Didn't feel like going straight to sleep. And did a massive pile of dishes in the middle of the night.

Drunk. As we say, we've all changed. Can I just say I'd like to have seen the condition of those dishes the next morning. Well, to be honest, just as I was having a moment of thinking, this is great, why don't I do this all the time? I heard smash and

a plate fell off. So it turns out there's a very sound reason why we don't do our domestic tasks in the middle of the night. Were you just piling them up like in Tom and Jerry when they're just piling them up at about 50? Pretty much exactly what it was like. Someone come in with some slippers with thick legs. There was no one. That would have startled me.

I've also noticed over the course of this festival that I've started to congratulate myself for very minor tasks that I've achieved. I don't know, I think it showed we went well. minor tasks that i've achieved uh last week i think it showed we went well last week i booked a hire car in order to drive home and generally genuinely walked around the flat that day as if i was like the ceo of a company for having done something i was like yeah i'm getting stuff done now this is great um i've also painted myself somewhat into a corner by, my wife is 40 next week. Oh, is she going to like you saying that? I don't think it's a secret. Never mind that, am I going to like you saying that?

But she's 40 next week, and I started joking by going, oh, I'll put that on as one of your 40 gifts. And before I realised what I was saying, I blurted out that I was going to get her 40 gifts, and now I can't. Are you? Are you going to get her 40 gifts? Well, now I sort of feel like I have to, because I've said what I was saying, I blurted out that I was going to get a 40 gift. Are you? Are you going to get a 40 gift? Well, now I sort of feel like I have to, because I've said that I would. And I think I'm at about six or seven. I was thinking if I take her out for a meal... Way to go.

He's going to be tapping me out for lip glosses, you wait. If I take her out for a meal, can I count the starter and the main and the pudding as three? And if I get hundreds and thousands on her ice cream, does that count? If I hit more than 40, if I do that? Does the pound shop stock 40 items? Hey, it's not about the expenditure. It's just about the actual thoughts. It never is with you.

No, it isn't. I'd chuck money at the problem if that's what it takes. Do you have any artistic ability? What? Do you have any artistic ability? The Guardian. That's the strangest speed dating event ever. No, no, I do not.

You could paint small miniatures. You could paint miniatures of the 40 thieves from Alibaba. Why do you want criminals? Well, it's a good 40. Oh, OK. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Or you could put some very, very strong sedative in a drink and say, there you go, afterwards.

You could say, there you go, 40 winks. Very good. Oh, that is good. Any other suggestions? 8, 12, 15, I'm happy to hear them. Wasn't that the baby Jesus in the wilderness? Was that 40 days in life? That was 40 years.

He wasn't a baby. I call him the baby Jesus out of respect. Couldn't have a baby wandering around, no food or drink. I thought it was home alone. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had a suggestion already from Ian Stuart Dootson, long-time reader, has texted saying,

Alan, make a mixtape on iTunes or MP3 flash drive stick thingy, 40 love songs. Yes. I just think that... I know what you're're thinking what about those 7 presents I already bought yeah exactly I could probably get refunds on those couldn't I 40 love songs that sounds a bit of a puke fest

well the trouble is with 40 love songs there's going to be like 19 really good ones and then there'll be stuff there's going to be a lot of, oh, baby, I love you. I could do 19 of the really good love songs and then just put on, like, 21, like, nosebleed techno dance tracks or something. Well, you could do, because you'll never get that far.

It's like a brief history of time. It's blank from page 50 on it. I know I saw one in a skip once, blowing. Yeah, well... It's a nice idea, though. I like the whole thing. Last year I aced her birthday because we were away on holiday

and we were with friends. You aced it? I aced it. I knocked it out of the park, mate. In the parlance of the children and the tabloids read Judy Murray.ray yes and so i had to get her something that didn't require big luggage because we were on holiday but i also had to get her something that was cool enough for her to tell people that night that i'd got her a birthday

present and that it was cool and i got her membership for a year of a cheese club where they deliver delicious cheeses every, whatever it was, six or eight weeks. They sent five different... That is so lovely. Can I say I'd cry if John bought me that? Yeah. I think that's a nice gift. She likes cheese and it had, like, tasting notes and, like...

Are they sort of... Are they triangular, these five, six cheeses? Some of them, yeah. And they're in a circular cardboard box. Yeah, and they have some really hard questions to go with them as well. Strange. Yeah, well, I think it's a nice move. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're in Edinburgh. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've just had another texting, actually, from Liz from Wombourne. Is that how you would say that? Wombourne?

I don't remember. Remember how to spell Wombourne. Oh, very good. No, it wasn't that good. I'm not pleased with it. Three stars. You do a joke like that every minute, don't you? A Wombourne every minute. What about when I met Mike Batt? Eh?

What about when I met Mike Batt? You took me to the Wombours. I've met Mike Batt. Well, have you met Mike Bat? Eh? What about when I met Mike Bat? You're talking about the Wombos. I've met Mike Bat. Well, have you met Mike Bat? I haven't met Mike Bat. Me and my sister thought he was Elton John. It was really embarrassing. Oh.

Yeah. Liz from Womborn suggests, you know, I was asking for 40 presents so I can get my wife for her 40th birthday. What happened to Renata, John? Renata, John? Renata, John? Yeah. I don't know. What's that?

The wife. Remember he got married? Elton John. Oh, yeah, he did. Is that today's texting? 8, 12, 15. What happened to Renata? What happened to Renata, John?

Hi, just a suggestion. I think she got looked after, didn't she? Oh, yeah, probably. Let's be honest. My first personal assistant had been Renata John's personal assistant. Tell me a long story about how she had to get a life-size dinosaur back to Ringo Starr. That's a good story. That's a good showbiz anecdote.

Hi, just a suggestion. Put it in the garden, if you like. It won't get through that door. Peace and love, peace and love. Read the 40 presents he could theme it i.e. 40 things beginning with her initial or 40 things in her favourite colour

yeah I would need to know that you don't have a favourite colour? yeah I do yeah yeah I do oh this is better you waiting to hear you trying to remember the favourite colour. It's worse than Frank trying to think of the crossword clue.

You don't want to get the colour wrong, though, do you? That would be... I've done them all in your favourite colour. That's not my favourite colour. Can you imagine that incident? When you get to our time of life, it tends to be black. How about a UB40 album? Job done.

That's a good idea, isn't it? UB40. That is... Perfect greatest hits.'t it? UB40. That is... Perfect greatest hits. They'll have a greatest hit. Absolutely. I'm going to get that. UB40, I'm going to do that.

It's Pennywise as well, which I know you'll appreciate. I'll get it from Fop in Edinburgh. Fop, yeah. Fop, you'll get it for three quid. Cheap and cheerful, isn't it? Brilliant. That's done, isn't it? Let's move on.

Okay. Great. What next? We will move on. Can I just... Oh, I'll tell you what. I've got some. Oh, go on. Well Let's move on. Okay. Great. What next? We will move on. Can I just... Oh, I'll tell you what. I've got some. Oh, go on.

Well, I'm just reeling a bit. Reeling a bit, Alan. Oh, gosh. We're doing this again. Alan's doing a late night show. Why don't you do that sound bed while I tell this story quickly? Alan... We can't broadcast the secret password.

No, I won't broadcast it. I'm just saying, Alan invited me... I say invited me. He mentioned he was doing a late night gig. I said I might be attending with my boyfriend, who's on an award winning HBO drama. And apparently we have to queue. So let's just leave that there. It's very popular. Yes, it's extremely popular. Would you go, Frank, in that scenario? After TV, Frank Skinner, it's one of the hottest tickets in town. If I had to queue? Well, I had a ticket for the screening of Deep Breath on Thursday.

I know what you're thinking. Careful. But it's actually the first episode of Doctor Who that's on tonight. It was on in Edinburgh. And I set off and a tremendous storm. I had to shelter in a pet shop it was um there's tremendous storm hail and all sorts came down as it only can in in Edinburgh and I thought I'll get I have to get a cab so I waited and waited and then I couldn't get a cab and I thought oh my god oh my god I'm gonna miss the new opening i have to i ran i would

say probably a mile and three quarters wow but in the absolutely high heels pouring rain and i was i got to the cinema and i was fully prepared to to queue but um it was so everyone had gone in it was so wet and i just got in there i took my jacket off and my shirt sleeves were stuck to my arm so i was absolutely my socks when i got home two and a half hours later i literally ring rang them ring them wrong them wrong them into the sink yeah but you would have queued for that i would have happilyued. I mean, you could say that running there in the rain is an even bigger... I think if you want to see something,

you just do it. All right, you better be good. Yeah, well, you know, it's good. It's a fun thing. It's worth it for the opening title. Was it? Did you press? Oh, God, they're amazing.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Eh, no. No. I used to go in an Irish pub where the gaffer always used to look at you and go, No! When you went in. I'm sure I've said that before, but who cares? It's short.

Is it only the long stuff you worry about? I don't want to be saying all that again. I did some filming this week. What? What was that for? I sneaked a bit of filming in. I did an advert for the BBC. Something you don't say every day. No. And so we were filming in

a house in Morningside, which is a part of... Oh, it wasn't one of your Christmas jumper ones? No, no. A bit early for that. I don't know. I probably just wasn't asked. And they... On the way there, so a car came and picked me up

and we got hit by a... We're paying for that, everyone. Yeah, we got hit by a bus. No. And, yeah, it was on one of the main roads, South Bridge here, so it sort of stopped all the traffic and everything. How humiliating. And the drivers got out and shouted at each other.

It was tinted windows. I was happy. It was like watching a film. And it was, you know, I'd say within 30 seconds of it happening, less than that. We're hit by a bus, remember. Within 30 seconds, I remember thinking to myself, I hope this takes a little bit of time here because I love the idea of them phoning to see where I am.

And I get to say, I'm sorry, I've been hit by a bus. Yes. Just for that moment when I find out how much they really care whether I'm dead or alive. Yeah. And I got to do exactly that. Someone phoned up and said, that film crew are a bit worried, you're not there on your ten minutes.

I said, yeah, sorry, we've been hit by a boss. And it was the joy of it. Yeah, I bet you were glad you had clean underwear on. Well, I didn't have clean underwear on after we'd been hit by a boss. He goes commando in Edinburgh anyway. If any, what, in this temperature? My hit by a boss. But if there's anyone... He goes commando in Edinburgh anyway. If any... What, in this temperature? My point in a nutshell.

So, I... Oh, God! I would... If there's anyone... Despicable! Not quite commando, he's been wearing a nutshell. Any of our listeners have had a really good excuse. I don't mean like a made-up excuse,

but an excuse you can't wait to use. I would love to hear it, because it's a joy. Also, on this trip, I've been reading Sherlock Holmes. You know, I sort of gave up books for magazines recently. Unfortunately, you can't get The Strand anymore,

so I've had to read them in the book form. And the reason I'm doing that is because where I'm living is right next to where Arthur Conan Doyle was born. Oh, that's nice. There's a statue of Sherlock Holmes. Great. And a very fine one, and a pub called The Conan

Doyle. So I thought, oh, as I'm here, I should read. Yes. I should read them. This is The Joy of Kendall, of course. And I think I'm enjoying them more because I feel I'm in his manner. Which ones have you gone for? I'm just working my way through. I've read a couple of the biggies, you know, the Study in Scarlet and all that.

Speckle Band. Baskervilles. Adventure of the Cardboard Box. Not so keen on that one. So I've gone sort of, you know, Bohemia, red-headed, and so on. But I'd also like to know if any of our listeners have ever done that, if they've ever read anything because they're in the vicinity of the... Well, yeah.

You've done it. I have, yeah. I'm sensing you've done it. We'll have to come back to this. Well, I've done it. Oh, you've done it as well? No, we've all done it. Let's come back.

Let's come back to it. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking about your, well, you were talking about a

number of things, but you were talking about your bus incident. Yes. And someone called the man with no name has tweeted us to say at school the doors

on the bus broke, so we were taken to the garage to have them crowbarred open very exciting aged 14 that must have been what a brilliant excuse yeah not being at school it's like a snow day oh it's just like you know there's no comeback to that it's got you've got alibi you've got group alibi. Mm-hmm. Fantastic. See, that's what I mean. You can relax in an excuse like that, like just leaning back in a hot bath. Yeah. I remember the math teacher said to me once,

why do you smell of cigarettes? And I said, because my mother smokes in the car. Brilliant. I was lying, of course. Yes. But it was believable. That's very funny. I have to say that my dad drinks in the car.

Didn't go so well. Did they mine back then? No, not in those days. Sam O'Dave has tweeted us, I read the excellent Driving Over Lemons trilogy whilst near. Now, you might have to forgive some of my pronunciation. Or give it in the Alpurduras region of Andalusia. That's one of our finest ever.

That is very good. I've never heard of the Drive Over Lemons trilogy. No, me neither. But not while driving. Well, let's hope not. No, I think he probably means that he was... That's a bit right, Jobby Brown. Uh-huh.

He, uh... No, he got done this week for driving. Whilst reading. Whilst reading. Did he really? Yeah, exactly. Did he really? Yeah, exactly. Did he? Yeah.

I read three Rebus novels by Ian Rankin last time I was at the Edinburgh Festival. Oh, did you? See? And they're perfect. They're perfect for the Edinburgh Festival because you're seeing those streets. Yeah, that's what you want. And they're pacey thrillers that keep you escaping from the Edinburgh Festival. What a great thing

about the Sherlock Holmes things is they're written by a man who's, as I say, born literally down the road from Edinburgh flat. Yeah. But they're about London, so they're also quite interesting.

Yes. I read Greyfriars Bobby. Did you? You did. Yeah, when I was younger, when I was a lot younger, I did a project on it because I got so obsessed by it when I came here.

Do you believe it? Do I believe in the... It's real. Oh, why don't you believe it, Frank? I think we did a thing on the show once about how it had been exposed. Has it? Yeah, but it was...

Oh, don't say that to me. It's a local... Chris Davis read Midnight's Children in India, bought from a second-hand bookshop, started in Delhi, but lost it in Kerala. Yeah, it's... We all lost it in Kerala, Frank. Well, yeah, exactly.

But I... The thing about that, see, if you go back to that book, you'll always have started it in India, so it'll always have that special frisson. Yeah. That's what I like about it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You said that you got hit by a bus on your way to make a BBC advert. You did. 513 has texted in saying,

Sorry to correct you, Frank, but the BBC don't make adverts. They make trailers for their programmes. Don't put Daddy down. Hold on. I've got a diary on my... a dictionary on my smartphone. OK. Advert, advertisement.

A public promotion of some product or service. So I was promoting a BBC website. Service. So that was an advert. Good night. Not the best show you've ever done. If I'm honest.

I'm not sure that would even make four stars. I mean, I can't argue with the dictionary. No. That's one of the rules in it on the show.

Yeah. I love it when Frank goes a bit Charles Brander-ish. Yeah. I think it's a fair rule. Shall we, something we haven't done yet today, shall we go to the corner? Oh, we could.er-ous. Yeah, I think it's a fair roll. Shall we... Something we haven't done yet today. Shall we go to the corner?

Oh, cool. Fancy it? Yeah, why not? Email corner. I think we've landed. Has that got more disturbing, the way you shout corner? I'm running out of ideas, I'll be honest with you. We need a new jingle. I've loved that one over the years.

You think? Yeah. It was sent in by a reader, if you remember. It was, yeah. Maybe someone can send something else in. I remember it well. I love that. Yeah, I do.

I was telling you earlier, not on the show, but the new Doctor Who titles were done by a fan on YouTube. Nice and cheap. And Stephen Moffat, the show saving the money. No, I think they have remade them. But they took his... I mean, Devin stole them. They contacted him. I mean, how brilliant to not come up on YouTube and then suddenly they're on the show.

I've seen them and I don't think this is a spoiler. They look fantastic. No, that's not much of a spoiler. Watch it tonight. Watch it tonight. Anyway. I'm going to. We can't sit around talking about Doctor Who all day. No. Who knows where it will end. One of us will end up being in it.

That's a bit far-fetched. This email is from number 699. Brackets the artist. 699. Let's see how we get on with him. Okay. I'm not sure where I sit in your categories can you help this is not the first time I've emailed

a bit passive aggressive and if you read this out it will be the second reading but it's the long time reader bit I'm not sure how long I need to be reading this column to become a long time reader I discovered this programme very good use of programme at the beginning of last year

and have regularly partaken in the weekly sessions mostly I catch up with the podcast due to working when you're live meantime I've also been listening to all previous podcasts from the beginning Gareth has just left the show in my time travelling catch up oh ok thus I'm still about two years behind with this

so of course does this make me a long time reader I do hope so. Also, is Daisy always so happy? She really sounds like she just turns up for a laugh. To think she gets paid for it too. Kind regards, 699, the artist. I'd have thought someone who'd just listened to our early back catalogue would remember Croissant Gate.

Oh, yeah. When someone from another show touched that croissant and it was like having a devil dog. What can I say? I like that about Daisy. One always feels safe with her. The iron fist and the velvet glove. I've said it a million times. No one touches the talent when Daisy's around.

Do you think it's a compliment as well, don't you? That's what I think about you. I do think that. You're complimenting her. Yeah, well, a lot of people don't bother with the velvet glove. A lot of people don't bother with the velvet glove they just have the iron fist yeah daisy's very very charming but she's firm when when she needs to be that's what i love about it she's like a hot bouncer uh yeah she is like a hot bouncer that's a good point um in case you're wondering what a hot bounce that was, I don't know if you saw that episode of Neighbours with the kiln.

There was a faulty kiln which was made in the shape of a kennel. And what happened was the bounce... Well, anyway, we haven't got time to go into it now. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. We were talking about Daisy. We were. Is she happy? Are you not done yet? She is happy, isn't she? I don't think she's been truly happy since julie's taxes closed down what's julie's taxes that was the company she and her sister started when they were kids they

were named named after auntie julie and they were both called julie as a consequence and they just were a book camp terrible business idea hello julie's taxes julie speaking that's all they did very much enjoying these bespoke jokes that you're doing for her, I must say. I think that works right across the board. That's great. I was in Edinburgh yesterday. I was on my way to the museum with my son and my mother-in-law

of crossword fame. And blow me if we didn't bump into Daisy in the street. Did you? I mean, what's the population of Edinburgh at the moment? And blow me if we didn't bump into Daisy in the street. Did you? And we were saying... I mean, what's the population of Edinburgh at the moment? It's about three million, I think.

It doubles, doesn't it? Can I just say, very good use of at the moment. But you're absolutely right, of course. Yes. And I think we were both... Well, we said we were both really quite excited that we'd bumped into each other. You know when you meet someone in a big place?

It's real... Whoa! Yeah? Whoa! You feel like you're taking part in something it's a bit like the Roswell incident and I think we both got a bit giggly

and excited about it that's lovely isn't it lovely oh coincidental meet I mean there's three million people what's the chances

oh they'll be about how did it go how did it go the encounter it went pretty well. We just talked about general things. We said, I think, Daisy said a couple of malicious things

about comedians that are up here. I threw in three or four of my own and then off we went. Lovely. As regards this email where the chap is, or if it is a chap, is saying that they've been listening to the radio show for two years,

but they've gone back to the podcasts. That made me think, actually, somebody could be the longest time listener by listening to the most recent broadcast on a Saturday and then downloading the very first one. And that would be the full span of the oeuvre, would it not? Wouldn't that be that was more complicated than some Stephen Hawking

thing yeah also you don't come out of this very well because it suggests they've listened to it with you on and thought one awards this it must have been good once we've gone back to the Gareth days I just I'm

amazed that people could be bothered to go back and listen to old podcasts. It's a... It's said itself, why don't you? It's a very marvellous tribute. OK? And relax. We've had a tweet in, Frank, which I would like to share with you. By what means? Via Twitter.

OK. Nerdpony has tweeted us and said... Oh, I like the sound of Nerdpony. Yeah. Well, forget your tweeted us. Oh, I like the sound of Nerd Pony. Yeah. Well, forget your bus incident. Listen to this. I was once a witness to an armed robbery in Summerfields. We had a lock-in for 20 minutes, so I missed a year six parents' evening.

Teacher? Well, I presume so. But that's brilliant. A seat lock-in in Summerfields? Yeah. There's no arguing with that. Yeah. I see locking in Somerfields. Yeah. There's no arguing with that. Yeah.

Do they ever drink to counter? Yeah. No, but that is brilliant. I couldn't wait to get that excuse out. That's the kind of excuse I mean when you think this is so good nobody can challenge you. That is good. Oh, I love it, love it, love it. Love it like that. Yeah.

Something like that. That's what you say, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you were saying you were getting a bit bored of the old email corner jingle.

Well, help is at hand. We've had it on a long time. Yeah. Help is at hand in the form of 5-2-3. OK. Hi, Frank, M and Al. Long-time reader here. I'll happily make you a new Email Corner jingle,

but I will first need you all, or a nominated representative, to sing-slash-shout Email Corner with no music underneath it so that I can sample it. Any preferences on genre? I'll have it ready for next week's show. That's from Mash in Battersea. So firstly, genre? Well, bangra.

Now that one's bad. We've got a bangra. What do you fancy? I think soul. I'd like soul. Soul? You like glam rock, I think. I hate soul.

I want sort of 1970s New York rock. I'd like Chicago House. Would you? Okay. Yeah. Well, there you go. Sorted. We all need to say email corner, don't we?

We need to say email corner. I think, should we just let Emily do it? It'd be nice to have a female voice on the thing. Female vocal works well on some Chicago House. 2014. You said you don't like soul. Sorry about this. So you have to be quiet underneath it.

Here we go. Okay, quiet. Daisy, stop it. I'm going to count don't like soul. Sorry about this. So you have to be quiet underneath it. Here we go. Okay, quiet. Daisy, stop it. I'm going to count you in. One, two, three. Email. Carno. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, there's a bit of laughing on it, wasn't there? Wasn't there? Wasn't there, Pete? I'm sorry. I was having flashbacks to her X Factor audition that she did a few weeks ago. No, but I took that very seriously. I wasn't going to mess about. No.

I think, I'm sure you can do something with that in post. Don't laugh at me. That was a big moment for me. Don't laugh at me. I'm a fool. Norman Wisdom used to sing that. Remember her? Not enough Norman Wisdom references on commercial right now.

I don't like that no one's referring to my jingle now that I've done it. It makes me think it was bad. That's because we're moving towards the end now. What about my moment? You've had your moment, your perfect moment. I say perfect. OK, so we come to the end of the show. Can I say a very happy birthday to my girlfriend, Kath,

and lots of love and good luck this afternoon. And thank you so much for listening. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week when, God willing, we will have returned to London. Although it's been lovely up here. You can't stay up here

forever. It's too cold. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.