The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - 99

Episode Date: July 7, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Alun and Emily who update him on their night at the Arqiva Awards. The team also discuss Ice Cream Vans, Murray Mania and snooping.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Katie Holmes still alive. Go, girl! Absolute on Absolute Radio. Katie Holmes still alive.

Go, girl! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran and Andy Murray is in the Wimbledon final! Yeah. You see, I watched the One Show last night

and that's how Chris Evans opened. Oh, did he? Chris Evans has built a career on saying things that people cheer at the end of. Yeah. And he said, welcome to One Show and Andy Murray's in the Wimbledon final. And even though there's no studio audience there,

got quite a big cheer from I don't know who. From the... Few crew members. When I do it... People in jeans, won't it? I got one, yeah. From me. Well, I'm excited about it.

Perhaps people sense my profound insincerity. Yeah. It could be that. I think I sense that. I find it often happens to me. Yeah. Why come they don't sense Chris Evans' profound insincerity? I don't know.

He's a pro, you see. That's why I am a bumbling amateur at this job. If you want to text us, we're on 8-12-15. As usual. As per usual. And you can follow us on Twitter. Now they can hear your insincerity. At Frank on Absolute.

I love the way you read that. Yeah. I feel like I can taste it in my mouth. The insincerity. Oh, by the way, on the Katie Holmes topic. I thought that was going to be, by the way, on the Andy Murray topic. No, but Katie Holmes, and I mentioned that in the preamble to this, still alive, I'm excited.

I thought her tongue would have been nailed to an altar by now. And I'm glad because it'd be a waste of a very, what I suspect is a very lovely lady. I saw two things in the tabloids today, in the mirror and the sun, about the fact that she has been oppressed by Tom Cruise and he absolutely controlled her life. And neither of them used the headline Cruise Control.

And I thought, what's happened to the standards? Wasted opportunity. Of the punning headline. I know. That's a shame. That's no, he came, he saw, he songed. No. That was first class work.

Is that good, you think? Songed? It's not great, but, you know. I'm not happy with that. Songed. Frank, did you get to see Judy Murray punching, but, you know... I'm not happy with that. Song good. Frank, did you get to see Judy Murray punching the air? I know you love it when she does that. Judy Murray, Old Ma Murray, as I call her... Yeah.

..I think is in great shape for a woman of her age. Yeah. She's had those two big boys. You're part of it. I meant the children. I think she is. It says something about my age that I peered into the family and friends box at one stage, and she's sitting next to the sort of...

Is she a model, Andy Morris? Love Kim Sears. Yeah. Oh, Frank. Is she a model? I think she might do it sometimes. It's, you know, model stroke unemployed. Yeah. That thing.

A lot of attractive women use model unemployed. Yeah. And I looked and I thought, she's quite attractive, you know. Mrs Murray. And that's about your age when you don't look at the model. You look at the mum who's looked after herself quite well. It's reassuring, really. But, yeah, I'm getting to like her.

I'm not so keen on him, I'll be honest with you. I don't want to be a wet blankie. I get annoyed by people saying that he's... You get annoyed by people. Yeah, that's it. That's all I've got to do. Well, you don't have to elaborate. I'm done. What am I doing the next three hours? He's too white.

He is. What? He's very... He took his shirt off. What, milky white? He took his shirt off in the next three hours? He's too white. He is. What? He's very, he took his shirt off. What, milky white? He took his shirt off in the quarterfinal. Nice body, though, Frank. Yeah, yeah, he's hard-bodied. He's ripped.

Yes, he's in good shape. He's a hard body. But there is a level of whiteness that only the Scottish can achieve. I mean, like, he looked like he hadn't been collared in. Yes, I know what you mean. This is exactly my point. Alan knows about this. When people keep saying he's grumpy, he's grumpy, he looked like he hadn't been collared in. I know what you mean. This is exactly my point. Alan knows about this. When people keep saying he's grumpy, he's grumpy, he's miserable,

I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's Scottish and he plays a summer sport. He's spending his entire life out of his comfort zone. He's like a one-man version of the film Cool Runnings, if you think about it. I've never seen that, but I'll make a note of it in my... Please do. Put it in your journal. In my never seen that, but I'll make a note of it in my... Please do. Put it in your journal.

In my commonplace book, what I keep. I keep a list of things I own. People recommend something and I write it down. I'm not sure if it's a recommendation as much as a little quip. Heroin. Somebody at Absolute Radio said to me, you know, it's got a lot of bad press, but actually it can give you a real lift.

Yeah. I wrote it down, tried it. I probably won't. I hope he wins, don't get me wrong. I really do. I really hope he wins. I don't say I really, I mean, I'll be happy. No, no, but I really do. I'll be happy. I want to see that box as well, there'll be some good guests. Will there? I'm always a bit disappointed.

There was the Duke of York Asleep, which wasn't a good look. I didn't think the paper should... The Duke of York is not A-list, is he? No. No. Not really. I mean, you want, at minimum, Pippa Middleton.

Absolute bottom... Oh, didn't they go on the same date? I nearly said bottom line, then that would have been... Mm. Did they? Kate Middleton and Kim Sears were there on the same date. It was like a battle of lovely hair in the tabloids. I think you'll find it's called the Battle of the Blow-Drys,

but never mind. Is it? I must have misread that. I'm not happy with Federer's logo. Yeah, yeah. His initials. And he wears it. I've always been...

On telly, people are always saying to you, you can't wear anything with a big logo. That's what you tell. And he deliberately wears the big RF logo. And it's Robbie. Fred Perry. It's a classic. Beautiful laurel wreath. Yeah. And he said, what's another logo? What about my

initials? Save that for a robe. Not for a line of sportswear, you idiot. So, anyway. I'm sure it'll be lovely. But too white. So white. I'm sure it'll be lovely. But too white. So white.

I'm calling it borderline racism. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I watched the start of the... Oh, sorry, are you about to say something, like, functional? You look like you're about to do some house business. No, carry on.

Like you're listening to Absolute Radio or something like that. I'm fine. I'm fine for you to lead. No, no, I was just going to... As long as it's not one of your peppercorn anecdotes. There won't be anything as spicy as that. The cockerel did tell a peppercorn-based anecdote this morning. Well, it began as an anecdote. I settled myself.

And then he says, I had a Chinese meal last night. Detaining peppercorn. And he says, you forget how hot they are, don't you? I hadn't forgotten. As soon as he said peppercorn, I thought, yeah, they're hot. He was out of the anecdote.

I'll be honest, I bailed halfway through because the end of the anecdote was, I'll be honest, it's given me some tummy trouble. And then I bailed because you were all looking end of the anecdote was, I'll be honest, it's given me some tummy trouble. And then I bailed, because you were all looking at me and I thought, they don't need to know this. You know what you would like to bail. Now I've told upwards of 50 people at once. Haven't I?

I don't know what the numbers are. We'll see. Anyway, I watched the start of the Murray game. Well, now we're Station of the Year. Archiva Station of the Year. The numbers are quite high. Indeed. Does that bring the numbers up?

I hope so. I imagine the oxygen of publicity is being breathed right now, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, that's a good one. Well, welcome. Yeah. It's the new listeners. Welcome to the new ones.

It's not all going to be peppercorn and it gets better than this yeah which i believe is the uh the actual uh logo yes it is that's our tagline it's better than this that would be great yeah stick around it gets better than this well maybe it does get better that was that with doors in block cap go on you're watching the mori game no i thought we were going to speak about the Archievers now. No, no, I'm happy to. We can move back. We can move back. Back and forth.

Something was troubling me when he took his shirt off. Uh-huh. How do tennis players avoid getting that line? You know when you wear a T-shirt in the sun and then you get like sunburned arms? Yeah. Yes. Well, he hadn't got that.

No. Well, he's wearing short sleeves in the sun all day. Yeah, the rays just can't penetrate his Scottish skin. It's his Scottishness. Yeah. I have never noticed any of them with, like, you know, that brown arm, white arm. I know exactly what you mean. It's that van driver's arm.

Yeah. I quite like it. But they don't get it. No. Weirdos. I watched the start of the game on my laptop on train Wi-Fi. Which is the 21st century. It's amazing, isn't it?

Well, give me that Twitter address then. Let's catch in on this modern technology moment. Genuinely amazing. I'm not that sort of person. Oh, hold on. You can follow us on... At Frank on Absolute. The tragic thing about this is I've been given the note.

I have to hold it at arm's length so I can read it. That's an old man in a new world. Someone has tweeted us, Ian Green, and said, why don't you tweet during the show? That's our first tweet. Well, my answer to that is, why do you tweet during the show? Frank! So anyway.

It gives it an added air of suspense, because sometimes the Wi-Fi connection isn't good enough, so occasionally they'll throw a ball up and it'll just hang in the air and the computer will be doing that buffering thing. Oh, I love that. And you think, what's going to happen? It's really weird. It's like watching the game in the middle of a slow motion.

It's a bit like in the early days of dial-up, you know, on the internet. It's a bit like that. Oh, yeah. It's very, very mysterious. Anyway. Archivers. Yeah. I was going to say peppercorns.

We can use that now, isn't it? Peppercorns. That was a bit of a peppercorn. It's like jumping the shark. So, yeah, I should say that the Archiva Awards are the commercial radio awards. So they're like the Oscars of radio with adverts. Well, yeah.

I didn't go to the awards ceremony, but both Emily and Alan were there. Yeah, we had a hot date, didn't we? I was nominated for Newcomer. All right, God, you got in that. I'm taking you didn't win. You didn't win. Awkward.

I'm still a loser. Still a loser. Who was the best newcomer? It was a lady from LBC. It was a lady in a yellow dress with crumpy shoes. It was fine, though. OK. Yeah.

Was she announced like that? Yeah. At our table, she was, yeah. It's not as professional as the Sony's, is it? The winner is that woman in the yellow dress. Did you see her earlier? She won that. I found it quite difficult because R-Q-I-V-E is spelled R-Q-I-V-E.

And so I just spent the whole night looking at the stage thinking, there's meant to be a U after Q. What's happened to the rules of the English language? Well, I got a phone call to say that the Cobbs and the Brownies want to give me a swimming badge. Oh, my. Is that right, Frank? Yes, which I thought this is coincidence.

That's like the Arkayla Award. Yeah, yeah. I did make that up just for that joke. Don't think for a second. What are you looking at? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank, Johnny says... Johnny, remember me. Thanks for that. Johnny says, Hi, Frank, I just wanted to tell you that I cheered in my van when you said Murray was in the final.

Hey. Saturday. Hey. I'm starting out. I'm starting out out now they're getting people cheering thanks johnny little air corns i don't know him that well but uh so frank do you want to hear about our top right out alan and i yeah of course you've kept it very much under your hat well yeah um we. We missed you. Can you both stop looking at the television just because there's a sporting incident on, please? Sorry.

You always do it. Just carry on. No-one will know if you carry on. I say if you carry on. So, anyway, so we arrived at this hotel and the hotel was essentially... I say it was a hotel, it was kind of on a roundabout, wasn't it, really? It is, yeah. Where were the archivers held?

It was a hotel in south-east London on a roundabout. Oh, it sounds great. Are we not going to name them? Very commercial. I can't wait to call them. It sounds like a drop-off. Did you have to leave the award behind a pipe in the gentleman's toilet? When we arrived outside, there was no red carpet. There was

red and white incident, like police incident tape. I don't know why. I thought Neil Francis had gone postal. I thought something had been an incident had happened. Oh, where is he now? I know. I'm surprised Emily could find a way in without a red carpet. I know. Well,

Emily's slightly airbrushed the beginning of this story, whereby she pretended that she couldn't find the cap. Emily's slightly airbrushed the beginning of this story, whereby she pretended that she couldn't find the cab. You never say, Emily's slightly airbrushed. I'm going to take that out and use it as a trailer. Because I was in the taxi, and we were outside Emily's work for a big chunk of time while she was looking for the taxi. I was.

Brackets, probably getting ready, close brackets. Yes, yes. I was, I was looking for the cab. I think that's fair enough. I like people who make an probably getting ready. Close brackets. Yes. I was. I was looking at the camera. I think that's fair enough. I like people who make an effort. But she got in very glamorous. Yeah, it was a glamorous night. Yeah. Good. And then, oh, they asked us to pose for pictures, didn't they? Oh, that was weird. In front of, you know

they call it the step and repeat board, they call it where the people pose. With like the sponsor's name on the back. Exactly. Step and repeat board. Yes. That's what it's called. Step and repeat? Yes. Why? Why is it? Because you step in front of it and the logo's repeated, step and repeat board yes that's what it's called yes step and repeat yes why was it because you step in front of it and the logo is repeated okay so we um we sort of respectfully declined is it worth giving it a name that board yeah well i just sent you know that board with like the sponsors i didn't i didn't decide on that but at first when we got

there she said oh do you want your pictures taken? Meaning by the, like, there's a horde of paparazzi. Was there? One of the archivers? Presumably, because people like Ronnie Wood and Dave Berry. Mrs Snowden. Yeah, yeah. Dave Berry, who had the hit with Crying Game in the 1960s.

The other one. Oh. One out. But we said, really? Us? And they went, if you want. And it was immediately evident that you don't have to. I don't like a lack of days. And then she added,

you don't have to if you don't want to. I didn't like that moment. I remember that stage where I got to the point of premieres where the paps would start papping and you'd look through the dazzle and see some that weren't bothering to take your paper. He'll never get in.

And sometimes I'd catch their eye and they'd just look at me knowingly. We'd both know that the bubble, if not burst, had seriously ruptured. But Frank, guess what? The exciting news. Guess who we were sat with? Now give me a moment. Let me think about it. Was it Mary Bale?

No, that's the cat in bin woman, for those unaware. That would be brilliant. No, but it was animal-based. The Crow Man. Ronnie Wood was on your table, Frank. Yes, yes. He certainly was. Now, that's worth going. Oh, my God. I'm quite good friends with him now.

Are you? I'm actually quite good friends with him now. Yeah. I exchanged about three sentences with him, but they were all nice. I went straight in for the kill. You hung back a bit. I just went boulders brass.

I went, Ronnie! Did he know who you were, if you don't mind me asking? As soon as I said I work on Frank's show, he was like, oh, I really like Frank. He likes you, Frank! He likes you! Ronnie likes you! He was, by the end of the evening, he's like, oh, I really like Frank. He likes you, Frank! He likes you! Ronnie likes you! By the end of the evening, he was borrowing sugar.

Em, can I have that sugar? He asked for four lumps of sugar. I said you take the whole bowl, Ronnie. Take the whole bowl. Do they still put it on sugar lumps? I didn't know that. I thought that was the coolest thing. His little face when I gave him that bowl of sugar.

Oh, he looks so happy. His little face? Yes. I think of him as a sort of Mount Rushmore type etch from granite. face when I gave him that bowl of sugar. Oh, he looks so happy. Little face? Yes! I think of him as a sort of Mount Rushmore type etch from granite kind of a man. I liked Frank. He was puffing on an electronic cigarette and it made our table look very louche. It's been a week for

electronic cigarettes. It certainly has. He took a trip down the M6 on a bus after it and caused some havoc. Well, I was once at dinner with Ronnie Wood in the days when you could smoke indoors and he smoked I would say he smoked 40 cigarettes during the course of the dinner. Well, I was once at dinner with Ronnie Wood in the days when you could smoke indoors, and he smoked... I would say he smoked 40 cigarettes during the course of the dinner. Wow. I said, do you like a smoke, Ronnie?

He said, it's all right. He said, it's all right, Frank, they're organic. That's all right, eh? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Meanwhile, back at the Archivas. Yes. Well, I had a bit of a run-in with one of the absolute bosses. I love it, I love it, I love it.

I'm sorry to tell you this. Do you? Well, it was a bit unfortunate. I just referred to... Do you remember... I'm sorry this was pre-you, Alan, but you're just going to have to deal with it. Yeah.

There was an incident very early on. Before Cockrell. Yeah, before Cockrell. It might have been the first show, Frank, and there were technical problems. And one of the bosses came running in. What a week that was. Oh, yeah, he ran in.

Yeah. I think we fell off air, as they say. Yes, we fell off. And I always have referred to him running and wearing tracksuit bottoms because I was sitting here and I saw them. I saw the low-slung, elastic nature of them. OK. I mentioned this to him.

I said, oh, when you came in wearing tracksuit bottoms, he said, look, can I just clear something up? I was not wearing tracksuit bottoms. He was a bit angry. Yeah. I said, you were. I said, I saw them. I saw the tracksuit bottoms.

He said, I don't even own tracksuit bottoms, which I didn't believe, actually. He's wearing someone else's tracksuit. That's worse, isn't it? I mean, I'll borrow a jacket, but I don't even own tracksuit bottoms, which I didn't believe, actually. He's wearing someone else's tracksuit. That's worse, isn't it? I mean, I'll borrow a jacket, but I won't borrow a track suit bottoms. He said, the only reason you think I was wearing tracksuit bottoms is because I'm from the North, which isn't true. I didn't even know he was from the North. No, I didn't either.

I think of it as very much a London thing. So do I. That's what I said to him, Frank. That's, I didn't either. I think it was very much a London thing. So do I. That's what I said to him, Frank. That's what I said to him. So anyway, that was a bit, that was an unfortunate incident. Maybe he's remembered, you know,

the mind can play tricks. Can't it? Yeah. I mean, it might have been. Thanks for backing me up on that. You might have looked at me like, mine doesn't. You all right?

Feeling all right? And then, Cockrellerel can you just tell frank we presented an award frank excellent and in a sort of double act fashion well we didn't get to say there's no opportunity to shine it was literally stand there and then like they went and the nominees are and then it went and you had to just read it so there was no like no moment i liked it because i stood on stage and got all that attention, no work. It was like being Girls Aloud, I loved it. But we ran into Fiend of the Show backstage, Frank.

Oh. A fiend of the show. It was like a practical joke. We were taken away from our table, moved backstage, and am I going to name the individual? Six Feet from Katherine Jenkins. You are kidding me. No. Six Feet. I didn't think you could smell the sulphur. moved backstage and am i going to name the individual six feet from catherine jenkins you are kidding me i think you could smell the sulfur oh blimey imagine if she's heard what you've said about her and she turned around and said

i mean imagine if you'd been there once more yeah that i'd never said that she was lucifer i said she was lucifer's representative on Earth. Envoy, yeah. Yeah. And... Yeah, but even if she'd turned around and said, excuse me, we hear that on Saturdays you work with a gentleman that keeps saying that I'm Lucifer's representative on Earth.

Yeah, but she wouldn't have said that. She'd say, I know. I know. Just give us one of those stares. And that would all she'd need to say. Yeah. I was wedged between her and Simon Bates at one point. Were you?

Did she give an award or receive an award? He's put on a bit of weight, Simon Bates. Lovely voice, though. He's put on a bit of weight. No savouries for him. Did she give or receive an award? I beg your pardon? Did she give or receive an award, Catherine Jenkins?

Hopefully you meant from Simon Bates. Did she give or receive an award? I'm going to say it one more time and then we have to move on. She probably gave one, didn't she? No, she received. That's right. For what? She received for...

I don't know what the category was, I'm afraid. I don't know either. She did receive an award. But I do remember thinking that... Most satanic breakfast show. I do remember thinking, wouldn't it be amazing if she just burst into flames whilst there, if you'd been there? Wouldn't hurt her, of course.

You can burst into flames and then switch it off. Repeatedly, yeah. She did it for some of the publicity photos. What I like is that on the upside repeat down board, you know that board? Oh, yeah, that board. If you look at the red carpet, you can see the hoof. Look out for that. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Alan and I had an awful argument then. I'm not even going to say what it was about, but it was awful. It's left an atmosphere. It was awful. Can we move on? Can we move on?

There was an amazing moment at the Archie. It was quite early on that I don't think Emily even noticed. A woman got up and started crying. She was so excited to have won an award. You didn't see that at awards ceremonies. But then she did a thing that... When I pick up my Scouts badge, there'll be all sorts of crying. There'll be tears before bedtime that night, won't there?

My speech, yeah, that's going to be a trick. She got up and she said this thing where she went, I'm over, my speech yet. That's going to be a trick I'll have. I mean... She got up and she said this thing where she went, I'm over, over, whelmed. So she said the word whelmed separately, which people don't do, do they? Like, you're either underwhelmed or you're overwhelmed. It meant like she was over a boyfriend called Whelmed. But you never, like...

Yeah. I wonder if the next day people said, how are you? And she said, I'm just whelmed today. I'm neither over or underwhelmed. Let's start saying that now. It's weird, isn't it? I've wondered, is that a verb?

Does it stand as a verb on its own? I don't know. To whelm. I spent a lot of the night wondering that after she separated it. Oh, I'm whelmed. I'm just right. Exactly. Just right.

Just perfectly whelmed. How often does that happen? Maybe she was so overwhelmed that she'd lost her sense of grammar. This wasn't the woman in the yellow dress and the clunky shoes. I don't think so. Oh, Frank. I like this. Very anonymous event.

Sorry. Frank, just FYI, when Absolute Radio won Station of the Year, if you're wondering why Alan and I aren't in any of the pictures or the photographic evidence, we were in the toilet. Not together, I hasten to add. We'd just presented an award to Isle of Wight Radio. We had commitments to do backstage. Of course.

So we're out of the main room. We do the photographs and then I say, I'm going to nip to the loo because it's a good chance while we're out. And then I came out of the toilet and all the Absolute staff were jumping in the air, like, getting their picture taken. And I went, what has happened here? Oh, you missed. They'd won station of the year. We won the big

reveal. We missed the big reveal. That's terrible. Yeah, brutal. You missed the big moment. Such is life. So I think I'll take this opportunity to say that I am to be the voice of absolute 50s on this station. Are you really? Is that right?

Yeah. How exciting. 50s, I said said 50s music. People think it's rubbish, but actually it's a lot of really brilliant stuff. Well, you mentioned that to them, and now they've made a station. Yeah. I want to do... I'll still be doing gags, but it'll be stuff about Harold Macmillan. Or I might do a whole skit on the Suez Crisis.

Oh, I'd love that. Someone should. I love your Suez material. Oh, look, I'm excited about it. I'm very excited, darling. Just think of the stuff we can play. Rocket 88. I'll look forward to it.

Yeah, OK. Brilliant. I mean, there's other stuff on the playlist, though, isn't there? No, I'm just playing that. OK. So, speaking of rockets, I did something this week which I haven't done for a long time and I forgot how brilliant it was. Flew on a jetpack? No, I wish.

God, man, I used to dream of having a jetpack. Anyway. I can see you with one of those. I was thinking of those rocket-shaped lollies you used to get, I can't remember what they're called now. Oh, Zooms. Was it Skyray? No, Zooms. Were they called Zooms?

Zoom or a Fab. I'm thinking Skyray. No, no, a Fab's not a rocket. Anyway, I was at a radio, I was recording a radio show. Yeah. It's nothing to do. What was that? It was a Radio 4.

It wasn't like this. Oh, I don't care about that. I'm not threatened by that. No, I know. I know, rather little show. And we had our lunch break. We were sitting in the cafe. And suddenly, I had an ice cream van. And I assumed, this is how bitter I've come,

I assumed it was an ironic ringtone. I never thought for a second an ice cream van. Oh, that's a snapshot into the modern life. Maybe they're a commonplace now outside of London, but the only ones I see are parked at things like Fates. Yes, I know what you mean. The hit-and-run ice cream van, I thought it'd disappear. a common place now outside of London, but the only ones I see are parked at things like Fates. Yes, I know what you mean. The Hit and Run ice cream van, I thought it'd disappear.

Stop me and buy one? That's what they say on them. Yes, I know. There used to be an old joke about that. There used to be a thing written on machines in pub toilets called buy me and stop one. Oh, God. Oh, God. Is it green sleeves? it wasn't green sleeves oh it wasn't green in fact i'm not totally sure what it was the thing i'm pretty sure it was blue jeans on by david dondas

do you know that i put my blue jeans on i put my old blue jeans on do you know that? I put my blue jeans on, I put my old blue jeans on. Do you remember that? It's not saying ice cream to me, though. No. Well, I could be wrong, but it was... It was a mess. Maybe it was played backwards and it said, Worship the Devil.

Maybe. Catherine. Get out of my head. Yeah, but, oh, man, I'd forgotten how brilliant that sort of lovely, pointy, twisty ice cream was. Oh, the 99. Well, you say that. There was a handwritten sign on the window.

Oh, not one of the cardboard ones with the yellowy sellotape. I can't bear that. That kind of thing, in biro, where he'd written, Corn it with flake, and then the price. Now, Corn it with flake is not a title, is it? No. That's a contents. Yeah.

What happened to the 99? There was no mention of it anyway. It's gone. Oh, my God. So, as any ice cream men listening, I need to know, are they still called 99s? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, I had a thought I'd never had before. As the ice cream van drove away, I thought to myself, I was licking, I was well licking by this stage. You know that stage when you get with a cornet where you get to the plateau? Where you flatten it when the ice cream is at the same level as the cornet? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that bit. Oh, it gets into the little ridges.

I don't mind that. Little ridges, didn't he do? Blue, blah, blah, blah. I'll use that on 50s. Yeah, make a note of that. Don't you save all your best material for that? No, can I? I won't have it.

So, as it left, as it left as it left the it's like a trampoline i always think when you've leveled off the ice cream yes you think like a little ice cream trampoline lovely as the ice cream van left the car park i actually thought to myself god brilliant that it was it was one second ago it was kiosk, and now it's a vehicle. Mm-hm. Like Transformers. I was really... You never care. I have those moments. Do you think you're slightly high on diesel fumes and ice cream? No, I have these moments. I don't know what they'd call them. I think you'd call them modern-world moments,

when I suddenly think stuff like... I'm sitting in, like, an upholstered seat and moving through the city. Yeah. When I'm driving. Yeah, yeah. No, I know what you mean. Not when you're being carried through like that. No, it really strikes me.

Brilliant. But the ice cream van as well, this is something that's changed in the age of health and safety. He was wearing what I would call a health fedora. Oh, was he? You know those white fedoras that people wear that work in the catering industry? He had to wear one of those. Oh, it'll be the beard next. Oh, was he? You know those white fedoras that people wear that work in the kitchen? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You had to wear one of those.

Oh, it'll be the beard next, won't it? Oh, rubbish. That's this progress. I love the health fedora. I often opt for the Cornetto, just because I do sometimes think, where are they washing their hands? And it's completely sealed up, isn't it? I'd rather risk bacteria than have something I can get in a shop. Well, I think it's cheaper, and that's why you go for it. Yeah, with something that sells the curly stuff. Do you know what, I think it's cheaper and that's why

you go for it. Yeah, you do. I suppose you have it. Do you want a strawberry in that? No, no, I'll have a peppercorn. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215 and follow us on Twitter. At Frank on Absolute. Yeah. Somebody's texted saying when you do the email, the Twitter address, you should use the word using because that will help you sound like when you say you can follow us on Twitter using. Give us that note. Give us that bit of paper. Frank on Absolute.

I'll write that down. Using... At Frank on Absolute. OK. OK. And you can follow us on Twitter using... At Frank on Absolute. Right.

I think it'll come a bit smoother, yeah. Infinitely preferable, the way you said that. Yes, isn't it? Yeah. I'm happy to be used in the, yeah. Infinitely preferable, the way you said that. Yes, isn't it? Yeah. I'm happy to be used in the right context. Aren't we all? 659, Brad, says, Frank, our ice cream van plays Match of the Day

and comes round at 8pm when all the kids are in bed. That's great. Imagine being in bed and eating an ice cream van. The most frustrating thing. You need those, you know those inflatable chutes they have on plane crashes? You need one of those. You can go straight down from your bedroom and land right at the kiosk. That's like a punishment ice cream van.

Don't get it too high, you'll knock his health fedora off. Do you think he's actually texting from Glasgow and that ice cream van's selling drugs like in the ice cream wars? You know they had ice cream wars where the vans were... So that's probably why it's... You and your old days in Glasgow. You could talk about that in absolute fifties. Who's going to buy one at eight o'clock

at night? Exactly. Maybe... It might be... Yeah, grown-ups. Revelers. Maybe people thinking, right, the one show's finished, I'll have a choc-ice. Yeah, but you know, there's people who want savoury, wouldn't they? Yeah. Simon Bates will. Keep the flake. I've got any pepperoni? Oh, yeah. Peppercorn.

Who wants that? Frank, 073 also, I have always wondered why it was called a 99, as it never seemed to relate to the price. Now, this isn't the only query we've had related to the 99. Oh, yeah, we've had several, haven't we? Yeah. I don't know the answer. I do know the answer. Do you? you well there are some theories flying around i won't say i haven't

looked it up because i have and i believe in honesty you're allowed to look it up if you don't know but not if you don't remember well there seem to be a lot of theories but one of them seems to be that because the ice cream industry was traditionally run by italians um that was the number of elite soldiers in the King's Guard and it represents quality. I hate that kind of rubbish reason. No, but that is the reason. You can't just say, I hate that kind of rubbish reason.

That is the reason. Give us another reason. Then you have to click on the King's Guard and find out what that is. I'm sorry that you find the truth unacceptable. Anything you can't get, you find out on one wikipedia page to me he doesn't he's not no i've done a lot of intensive research and that's the truth i think that you can't handle the truth i'm not having it well it's true it's interesting though because just the other day my wife and i were talking

my wife and i yes it's like being at the palace you're just enjoying the grammar wife and I. Yes. It's like being at the palace. You're just enjoying the grammar. I am. Lovely. And we were talking about, you know when Balotelli took his shirt off and did his... We were talking about the love.

Yeah. Oh, I remember when Balotelli took his shirt off. You know, he had the stripes of sport tape. Did you see a lot of the sport tape during Euro 2012? The blue. There's been a lot of it about. Yes. And my wife was saying... Yeah three, actually. I thought it was a... Yes, three strips.

Was it an Adidas thing, though? Had he been paid to have those three strips down the back? I don't think so, although there is probably some conspiracy theory. Apparently it's like a... it's a new... Kinesio tape. It's not that new, actually. It supports your muscles, doesn't it? No, it's called Kinesio.

Yeah. Oh. Isn't that the old man who made Pinocchio? Is it? Yeah. What's the actual name of the old man that made Pinocchio? I think it was Geppetto. There's nothing like it.

Not really. Sorry, everyone. But literally, the day after we were wondering, the BBC did a story about that sport tape on their website. BBC, always a day late. It's great. Yes. I thought it was excellent, that thing of going,

oh, we were just wondering that. Well, when I ran with John Bishop, do you remember that? Yes. Oh, I loved that. He was plastered in it. Oh, was he? Was he? He was falling apart, poor old guy.

Where was it? On his torso. It was mainly on his muscular calves. Oh, lovely. Which we had with us in a cattle pen. Lovely things. They, lovely. Which we had with us in a cattle pen. Lovely things. They were muscular. I don't... I wouldn't

have it myself. I don't like anything that makes people think, oh, I'm a bit sporty. So I... Like people who carry a bottle of water. Don't carry a bottle of water. You sometimes pop in here wearing a hoodie, though, don't you? Yeah, but that's not... What sport would you wear a hoodie?

You'd wear it for warming up before... Oh, see? See your entire argument's fallen. No, boxing you would wear a hoodie. Oh, yeah. Good call. No, you wouldn't. Yes, when you're doing the walkout to Simply the Best, it has a hood on it. I don't come in in a hooded dressing gown.

Don't you tell me about clothes. Don't you tell me. Anything that says, hey, I'm a bit sporty makes me despise people. I'm going to have to put my hockey stick down. Where shall I put my bottle? Sometimes they'll have a knapsack and there's that gauze section.

They'll have a bottle of water in there. Oh, yeah. Shot your face. I'm going to start carrying Panda Cola everywhere I go. I want you to go over to Absolute 50s. I'm going to have a face. I'm going to start carrying panda cola everywhere I go. I want you to go over to Absolute 50s. I'm going to have a set of bandoleros. You know what the Mexicans have their cartridges? I'm going to wear two of those crossed with mini rolls.

I'm going to say, no, I'm not sporty, actually. I pig out. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We were just talking about... Well, Daisy, the producer, said that when Alan and I, sometimes we can't work the computer properly. Because I don't do the text, they do the text thing. And so sometimes we'll go a bit panicky and say,

what's happened, what's happened to the screen? And Daisy said, you remind me of the teacher at school when they couldn't work the telly. And I said, there used to be a bloke coming in a lab coat to sort of put the VHS on. They need a technician to put the video in. Yeah, you better get Mr Barton in, er, to work the VHS. You're a teacher.

Ah, the idea that a bloke had to put a special protective coat on to come and put the telly on. In case it all blew up back in the day. Frank, I was... What was that thing you used to have? I was sat round... What was that? What was that thing you used to press?

They used to get, like, lines on the screen. What, on and off? Oh, yeah, the tracking. Oh, the tracking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You haven't got Mr Barton coming to the tracking, telling me he's going to need a lab coat. Oh, brilliant.

Oh, we've had a factual text in. The ice cream wars in Glasgow were a turf war, not a drugs war, fought for the right to sell and challenged in areas. We never said they were a drugs war. I did. We never said they were drugs war. I did. We never said there were drugs. I did. You said there were drugs, War.

Another misconception. Glasgow is not a dumping ground for unfounded nonsense from an ignoramus. Ooh, all right. Calm down, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, I thought that's the sign on the way in. Yeah. Welcome to Glasgow.

A dumping ground for nonsense from an ignoramus. And that text has come from my gran from Glasgow. So, sorry, gran. It's good that she knows the word ignoramus, though. Oh, yeah, she knows a lot of words. I mean, I thought that's a word that she did know and then she doesn't know anymore. Oh, that's the other gran.

Oh, whoops, OK. We were talking about the blue tape. Yes. The blue tape at Wimbledon and... Yeah. And just what you're wondering, basically. I wonder stuff all the time. What?

I'm always wondering stuff. What do you wonder? Yeah, just loads of things. Like, I caught myself the other day where I couldn't remember whether or not... You know on a bike? Because I bought a road bicycle and I couldn't remember...

As opposed to a house bicycle. No, you know you have various types of bicycle like a mountain bike and a hybrid i bought a like an old-fashioned drop-handled racer okay and i couldn't remember whether or not the inner cog at the front is easier to pedal or the outer cog and i was wondering it for ages thinking which is it and eventually i googled it because that's what you have to do for questions that are so stupid that if you ask another human they'll ridicule you. That's not stupid.

I don't even know what a cog is. What I need is a jingle that goes peppercorn, peppercorn. Peppercorn, peppercorn. I'll tell you what I wondered. I was walking through St James' Park in London and there was loads of Canada geese and I looked at a flock of them.

A flock of geese? Just wandering about. And there was... You know you get... Like an odd person with bread comes and they follow them around. Anyone with bread is an odd person in my book. Yeah, exactly.

Certainly in the fashion industry. And I thought, why don't you walk in a V formation? Oh, good point. Yeah. Because they always fly in one. Yeah. Just for practice.

Just to get your positions right. Yeah. But when they walked around, they were a complete mess. It annoyed me. I'll be straight with you. See, that's the sort of thing I would ask Google. Oh, would you? Really?

Yeah. Well, we had the Red Arrows go off the other day with the Jubilee, and I bet those geese think you've been there, done that. The one at the back left's a bit out. Been there, done that, bought the leg ring. I often wonder,

what do Colleen and Wayne Rooney talk about? Do you know what I mean? I see pictures of them on sun loungers together. Yeah. And I just wonder what their conversations, what their shared interests are. I find that quite fascinating. I often think that about couples.

What about Andy Murray and the model? What do they talk about? I can see them having more common ground. Do you? Yeah, for some reason. Where's the umbracial where? I don't want a line. I don't like a line I don't want a line

where my sleeve ends and she says oh no what else? Well, we were wondering stuff, and we've heard from the outside world. They're keen to fulfil their brief as the Oracle. They've been wondering. Oh, no, people have... Or answers.

Yeah, people have given us answers. But equally, it could work the other way, couldn't it? If they've got questions between the three of us, we could try and... If they're wondering stuff, yeah, but we can't look them up. Not allowed. Well, we'll give it a go, though. OK. We've had Amanda Amanda Clegg, she's called.

She has an answer to your geese flying in formation or walking in formation query. The reason geese fly in formation is so that they're more efficient. The formation is the best to contrast with air resistance so that they can conserve energy while flying. Really? Like an arrow? Like an arrowhead? Every now and then the one in the

front will pass to the back of the formation to rest and another will take the lead. You are kidding me. The one which needs more energy. This way they work as a team and can fly for longer. Absolutely brilliant. Do you know that's the same thing that they do in the Tour de France where somebody's leading which costs more energy and they'll drop to the same thing that they do in the Tour de France where somebody's leading which costs more energy and they'll drop to the back of what they call the peloton and have a little rest and then somebody else will lead for a bit. The geese?

The French? And Amanda says that was told to them by their head teacher to encourage them to work as a team in the school. Yeah but why don't they walk in formation? I don't know she hasn't given me the answer to that. Well, she has, because she said it's not quite so necessary when begging bread

from old people. Necessary, but it's like the England team not practising penalties. Yeah. So you're going to get it right in the air. Let's get it right on the ground, guys. That's what I'd say if I was a goose. Maybe they're on the ground going, I'm not tired now, so therefore I don't need to walk with you In an arrow formation

We don't need to but when we're up there There'll be no place for practice You're saying that your problem with geese Is that they don't practice hard enough That's why they've never won any major tournaments We've had another Didn't they win the European Championships In 2004

Yes I know that was Greece. I'm sorry everyone. Greece. Very good. I've really messed up. I was moving on to Uganda but I didn't get there. We've had a text in from Sue Mason who says,

FYI, Andy Murray and Kim have two border terriers. Two border terriers, actually. Two border terriers called Maggie and Rusty. Here, fetch that stick. Go, go. It says here that... Here, here, boy. You join yourself. Sorry. It says here that you're a boy you join yourself it says here that

Dr Finlay's case it says here that Maggie is a tweeter the dog the dog tweets do you know you might have thought it would be a woofer

not a tweeter yeah can I just say very good very good I absolutely despise people that set up

Twitter pages for their animals but presumably too much time on your hands. It's probably not Andy and Kim. It might only be some prankster. It might be, yeah. No, I think that's probably Kim.

Could be Kim. I mean, you know... You think she's got the time in her day to tweet on behalf of a dog? The days are long when you're not in the Royal Box. She's unemployed. She's got plenty of time. A blow dryer only takes two and a half hours, for God's sake. There's a lot of wicker work

as well, apparently. Does she? She makes all these dirty clothes baskets for home. Because he gets, you know, he gets through a lot of sweaty outfits, as you might imagine. Is she making a ship out of matchsticks to put in a bottle as well? Some kind of lifer or something? I'll get you a big bottle from the French

Open. Oh, thanks! I want a really big one, so I'll get you a big bottle from the French Open. Oh, thanks. I want really big ones. I want a pretty one. No, I'll sort of... Get under. He's got a touch of a train-spotting character

rather than an actual professional athlete that's in the Wimbledon final. But he has that anyway, I think. They want him to be a lot nicer than he is. I'm not saying he's not nice.

I think he's great. He doesn't play the game of being Mr Charming. Oh, no. Like Federer. Federer. No. The hell, Federer? Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank? Hello? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank. Hello. I know you've been dying to solve this 99 debate we were having. Well, it wasn't actually a debate.

We were talking about where the name derived from. In case you've just tuned in, I went to an ice cream van twice this week, actually, in successive days. And they're both types. I had what I would call a 99, but what was described in a handwritten sign on the ice cream van as Corn It With Flake. We've had an email in. Hi, Frank.

I think you'll find that to name the popular ice cream slash chocolate flake combo a 99, it has to contain a Cadbury's flake. Is that right? Therefore, the cornet in your ice cream van was topped with a substandard little version of the flake. Well, you know, it's funny. When I bit into the flake, I thought,

it was a bit like, have you ever eaten driftwood? Do you know what I call that? Nan's chocolate. When Nan's used to send you Easter eggs in the post and it would all be broken when it arrived. There used to be a little thing called the Whirly Gigs. Do you remember those? That was it.

I don't know, it tastes a bit like onion. I think cheap chocolate has just a little bit of onion in it. Yeah. Nothing too severe. Just a bolster. My absolute fantasy, as you can imagine. But then he shouldn't have been able to say Cornet with Flake, because Flake, actually, I don't think it was a capital F.

Oh, right. If you're going to be writing on cardboard signs, you can get away with all sorts. I suppose it's better than putting Cornet with Driftwood in it. That would put people off. Yeah, your sales would diminish somewhat. People might think that it was the CD of a brass player who'd worked with Travis.

I think Cornet with Driftwood is quite... I got it out, though. You got there. I got it out. I paused. I was there. I think it's more Sarcher Gallery, Cornet with Driftwood. Yeah, probably is, actually.

Don't you think? Very much so. Perhaps. Frank, did you see this week the Olympic torch, which is something of a friend of the show. Can I just say, I heard Ian Duncan Smith talking about people... No, it's cleared up now, thanks. Talking about people fiddling disability benefit.

Oh, yeah. And he said as many as 25% of the people on disability benefit might be complete phonies and absolutely fine. And he was going to get them all off. Right. And I thought, don't rush it, IDS, because these people could be a secret weapon come the Paralympics. Oh, God.

We could wipe the floor. We could wipe the floor. Just get the old orange sticker on the bike. That has happened, though, hasn't it? We'll expose them after. Let's get the floor. Just get the old orange sticker on the bike. That has happened though, hasn't it? We'll expose them after. Let's get the metal. I think it was a Spanish team that were pretending to be blind. They were basketballers or something. It was a big story.

Really uncomfortable about this. Oh, sorry. Carry on. Anyway, back to the safety of Gary Lineker and the Olympic torch. Yes. Oh, yeah. No bad can come when Gary's around. So the Olympic torch, people take turns carrying it through the country in a sort of parade. Yes.

I've seen it. You've seen it? Well, it all went a bit wrong, Frank. What, with Gary Lineker? Doesn't it go wrong every week? Well, did you see Two Little Boys? Hold on a minute. Two little boys had two little boys hold on a minute two little boys had two little toys each had the wooden horse

everybody no gaily they play no absolutely not okay uh they ran on i saw that did you see that yeah i didn't think that was charming or funny it was thought it was broken Britain. So did I? Me too. Did you see the local news reporter? He went, two mischievous lads. No, they weren't. He called them mischievous lads. I thought they were nasty. Yeah.

The cheek of that. There might be mischievous lads now. Two years' time, they will be torturing an elderly neighbour. You let them off with doing stuff like... I was really outraged by it. I thought it was an outrageous thing. I was. Or it could just be that it was Coventry

and they wanted to keep the fire. It could just be that. I can't believe you made a Midlandist remark. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we're talking about those scamps who stole the Olympic torch. Yes, those children. Young offenders, that's what I'm calling them. Well, it was...

Because I was offended to them. But what happens, at what age do you go from mischievous lad into criminal? I think 13. Is that it? I think 13 is when the local news reporter stops saying mischievous lad into criminal? I think 13. Is that it? I think 13 is when the local news reporter stopped saying mischievous lad. They were only like 10 or 11, weren't they? There should be a button on the torch so it can be used as a weapon. Like a flamethrower.

Oh, and there's two young lads. Oh, it's all right, they're on fire. Wouldn't be too difficult. You need to set that up in the modern age. On the subject of the Olympic torch, we've had a text in. I don't know, you might want to put your hand on the friend of the show jingle.

You've got a friend of the show jingle, haven't you? Oh, here we go. I have. Well, Tracy Emin... Friend of the show jingle. We love Tracy. ..has texted a picture of herself in the carrying the torch tracksuit, which is one size fits all, so it's too big.

It's quite loose-fitting. It's a nice picture, though. It is a nice picture. I didn't know Tracy was carrying that. She's got a nice pair of pins, Tracy. You can't tell in that outfit. No. They wouldn't have trusted her with that torch, would they, 15 years ago? Oh, marvellous.

That's brilliant. Well, how lovely. You've got a photo from... I'm so excited that she's offering... You get to keep the torch as well. Yeah, yeah. She could incorporate that into her work of art. Yeah.

Lovely. A little tip. Or it'd make a fantastic 99. Oh, wouldn't it? I'd put a ice cream in the top of art. Yeah. Lovely. A little tip. Or, it'd make a fantastic 99. Oh, wouldn't it? I'd put a ice cream in the top of that. I'd like to run behind them with a 99.

To say, it's all very well fire, as inventions go, but don't beat this. That's brilliant, though. So she'll be doing, she'll be doing Margate or something.

She is doing Margate. That's her hometown, isn't it? Who are you going to call? Gary Lineker was in Leicester. Who are you going to call? Olympic Flames going through Margate. Oh, who do we ask? Brilliant.

Well, thank you for that, Tracy. And happy birthday. Yeah, Gary Lineker. Then you see it was back in safe hands, the torch. Oh, yeah, Gary. After the scamps. Yeah. Then Gary...

See, he'd have fobbed them off with crisps if they'd have approached him. He would have. Exactly, they'd have been distracted, wouldn't they? He's probably surrounded by crisps at any point, just in case kids come towards him. He's got terrible eczema. Poor Gary. I loved it when Gary was holding it, though. Anyway, it's just no time for nostalgia.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. It's just no time for nostalgia. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Using.

But Frank on Absolute absolute that's a Twitter I love the way you do that yeah it's really slick Twitter so we're talking about the Olympic torch you were well no I think it's fair to say all of us were yeah yeah it's true

I don't know why I singled you out can I say I made a you know I never ask for free stuff on this show Like a lot of people do on radio And last week I asked, the first time I ever asked for pants Well I think asked is scaling it down I'd say you begged I begged for pants

I think you begged, yeah, yeah I asked for trainers, I did ask for originals UK10 But you begged for pants That was cynical, the asking for trainers It's difficult for a man of my age and my public profile to go in a shop and buy pants without it being on Twitter. Frank Skinner bought pants. Just sold Skinner some Ys.

I mean, that would be a tweet of the week, wouldn't it? Frank Skinner bought pants. Compared to some of the stuff I've seen as examples on there, a mundane pedestrian conversation. I love you getting angry about Twitter. Francekin advice pants would be the TS Eliot the wasteland of tweets. Yeah. Anyway,

was I sent any pants? Was I Buffalo? No. Nothing. Was I Buffalo? Absolutely nothing came, so I am disgraced. Not only do I not have pants, I've begged for pants and been snubbed. And that's not a good look for a man of your age. What I'm going to do is I'm going to buy quite a lot of wool and some needles this weekend.

Oh, that'd be great. What do you mean? You just did a bit of knitting during the advert breaks on this show. And I'm going to knit some pants. You've got an itch there. Because what you want against your skin is wool. I tell you what I'm doing, I'm weighing my left mandible. I thought you were doing that.

In my hand. You can't do that, I can't do that. No, you can't do it. That would be sensual. But when I do it, it's like an episode of The Ascent of Man. You were actually weighing your mandarin, weren't you? I am actually weighing it. I've copped it and I'm weighing it in my hand.

Do you have to tell everyone listening? Well, I have to watch it. There are respectable people in their black tour t-shirts and Dunlop green flashes. Do you know these are respectable people in their black tour T-shirts and Dunlop green flashes with hangovers, living in bedsuits, eating pot noodle out of a shoe. That's only David Baddiel. No, that is, I'm told, according to the marketing people, that's your average absolute listener, Sondal.

And they're very welcome too, aren't they? They're my type of people, actually. Me too. Who listens to Magic FM? Drivers. Yeah. And the elderly. Yeah.

Okay, I'm glad we cleared that up. Okay. I'll tell you something about the Olympic torch, by the way. One of my dreams as a youth and child was to own a jetpack. You know, that was flying. The thing he had, there's one in Thunderball. Yes.

Oh, yes. James Bond escapes. In the opening credits, yeah. Is it in the opening credits? Oh, no, maybe that's the parachute, yeah. He escapes and, oh, man, it's the best thing ever. I always thought, I'll bet I'll end up, you know, when I go to work, I'll bet I end up going to work on one of them by that stage.

Yeah. Didn't happen. Oh, it's a shame. And now the only people that do are stuntmen. But I went to a James Bond exhibition at the Imperial War Museum, and they had the one they'd used in the film. And someone was telling me there that they tend to cut out. And if there's any engine you're using that you don't want to cut out,

it's the jet pack. Yes. Can we get a more dependable one, please? Oh, man, I used to dream of it. Any engine you're using that you don't want to cut out, it's the jetpack. Yes. Can we get a more dependable one, please? Oh, man, I used to dream of it. As people are putting the jetpack on, they say stuff like, how recently was this serviced? Exactly. I'd do the goose thing.

I'd walk around in it for a bit just to make sure it was operational. Then you think, oh, am I using up all my good time now or my sky time? Yeah. I'll tell you what I'd do if I have a jetpack. I'd take the dog for a walk on it. operation. Then you think, oh, am I using up all my good time now, all my sky time? Yeah. I'll tell you what I'd do if I have a jetpack. I'd take the dog for a walk on it. Oh. With me above him, but the extended lead fully extended. So people think, oh, look at that dog.

It's on some sort of... Whoa! Flying man! Oh, man. I can't tell you. I'm going to have a go on one one day. You can buy them. You know they're on the internet. You can buy them. Oh, they're quite a price. I believe anything that includes the phrase on the internet.

But I know what happened. I'd put one on. It'd be like, you know sometimes a skyrocket goes wrong and it just sizzles around the floor and goes into the crowd. It'd be like that. I'd be like a moth bouncing off the walls of the house. I'd like to see you bouncing about like a balloon coming down. Try tying the house. Whoa!

Smashing stuff up out of control. Oh, quick, get the technician. Where's Mr Barton? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we need to stop everything and deal with an email that we've just had in. Stop all the clocks. Stop all the clocks. Stop all the clocks.

What's the next bit? Put out the lights or something? Something, something, something. You know, sadness. Not so good. The end. No. Not so good.

Something, something, something. It used to be a great poem. The music left him at that point. And it was used in a film. That's right, yeah. That's what happens. He used to love it. He couldn't use it anymore.

Yeah, popularity does that, doesn't it? Folks in Yates' wine lodge know it now. Thank God I've sidestepped it. Yeah, I was going to say, it's not blighted my career. It's quite bitter. I'm not. I was teasing. OK. We were talking about somebody earlier on

who said that the ice cream van in their street came round at 8pm after all the kids had gone to bed. We've had an email entitled, Ice Cream Vans Rules. Ref Ice Cream Vans at 8pm after all the kids had gone to bed. We've had an email entitled, Ice cream vans rules. Ref ice cream vans at 8pm at night dot dot dot. Would appear the driver is breaking the rules! Two exclamation marks. Oh, I love the sound of him. And now the

quotes. Under the Control of Pollution Act 1974 it is an offence to operate a loudspeaker outside the hours of noon and 7pm if it is fixed to a vehicle which is being used for the conveyance of a perishable commodity for human consumption. But maybe he didn't put the music on, we don't know that. Maybe he just took off the park. I thought they said it was match of the day and it was 8pm at night.

Yes, a well-remembered cop, bro, it was. A statutory code of practice on noise from ice cream van chimes, etc. Because in some fundamentalist Muslim countries where music isn't allowed, the ice cream van just pulls up and just sits there. That's right, yeah. The Taliban were anti-music. Terrible job there. It tells drivers not to play bursts of music lasting more than four seconds,

more than once every three minutes. That's what it would be. When inside of a rival vehicle within 50 metres of a school or place of worship and more than once every two hours in the same length of street. OK, we're not in the Roll Calls of Justice. I really like the fact that we've got this much detail on the show.

When I was 15... You know, we were talking about wondering stuff earlier. I was wondering if any of you woke up to today thinking, I wonder what the rules are on ice cream vans and music after 8pm. When I was 15, there used to be an ice cream van. It used to sit outside our school when we came out of school. Yeah. And the bloke who owned it used to work in the pub I drank in

in the evenings when I was 15. So I'd go and get a 99 from him and say, I'll see you tonight. I'll have a 99, please. Do you want a barley wine with that? No, no, I just... Single-handedly. So I'd scream in my school uniform and then in the pub on the night. You see, they

tend to diversify now. We're calling them ice cream vans in quite a purist 70s sense, but they all do burgers and chips now as well. They know. They do. Have you not met David Van Day from Dollar? Not by my way. No way, Joe Say. Joe Say Marino.

They do diversify. I'm not having that. They do not mix the two. They do. It's impossible. Think of the temperature problems you'd have. What about if Simon Bates pitches up? He might want a burger and chips, and then he might want a big old screwball afterwards. I know, but imagine a hot dog...

What, keep Catherine Jenkins out of this. I imagine a hot dog bap with a big flake on it, and some mustard. It'd be disgusting. Although, it's an interesting blend of textures. I quite like it. Isn't it? Jerry Halliwell's bin. Frank? Jerry Halliwell's bin.

Frank? Jerry Halliwell's bin. We've had an email in. Or is that the trains? Sorry? That's the absolute edge. An email. Yeah, we've had an email in this week.

Ah, yes. This is from Bobby Nicol. Bobby Nicol surely is a 1970s comic. Yes. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Hope you're all keeping well. Thank you very much. Bobby? Frank, can you clarify something?

On Loose Women recently, they were discussing certain subjects, including people spying on others. Then all of a sudden, Carol Vorderman said, well, I could see that Frank Skinner had a telescope. Well, I nearly choked on my ham sandwich. That's from Bobby Nicol. Yeah, well, I did have a telescope. Yes, I nearly choked on my ham sandwich. That's from Bobby Nicol. Well, I did have a telescope. Yes, I know I used it. Yes. And did

Carol Vorderman live adjacent? Carol Vorderman lived in the block opposite. And John Prescott. Yeah, yeah, well I could imagine. She didn't live with John. Yes, she did, but I could imagine which flat she thinks that your telescope was trained upon. But, you know. It wasn't. No, it definitely wasn't.

You were stargazing, weren't you? I wouldn't do that. Yeah, I was looking at the sights of London, which it does not include Carol Vorderman in her smalls. No. If I may call them that. No, so I resent the suggestion. I would never look at Carol Vorderman without her knowing about it.

That would be terrible. Also, if I wanted to get a good look at Carol Vorderman in a knowing about it. That'd be terrible. Also, if I wanted to get a good look at Carol Vorderman in a flat, I'd use my jetpack. Just hovered outside the bedroom window. Obviously, I would have used a conundrum. Indeed.

I can't, I'm Catholic. But you see, I did sometimes. I put my hand on my heart and say I never spied on Carol Vorderman in her flat? No. Do you think you're a confession now? But Frank, when I've come round to yours, the first thing I do is often seize the binoculars. Well, you...

I won't lie. I've actually, at one point, I assumed a sort of sniper position on the floor. I came into the flat one night and Emily and my girlfriend, Kath, were lying flat out on the floor with binoculars. That part of it sounds like a fantasy, but then it gets worse. Looking at a man across the way. And they were flat out on the floor like snipers.

And I can't tell the full extent of this story, but they said, he's on his laptop. And he's either... Or he's on his laptop. Oh. And he's either... or he's playing online backgammon. Now, how can I be mistaken? I don't know. But, yeah, there were... I mean, all the lights were off.

It was the most blatant snooping I've ever seen in my life. I was shocked. I know. But I like snooping, Frank. I know you do. I do. I'm really nosy. I can't help it. I hate that scene on Come Dine With Me where they look around the person's house. If that was my house and dinner guests looked at it, I'd poison them.

Serve them right. I just hate Come Dine With Me. Come Dine With Me, to me, if you want to know what symbolises broken Britain, what's gone wrong, To me, if you want to know what symbolises broken Britain, what's gone wrong, why the country that produced Shakespeare now produces those two kids that tried to snatch the flame, the answer is come dying with me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, we were talking earlier about what a nosy parker I am. And, well, you were just saying that you hadn't been staring at Carol Vorderman with binoculars. We should clear that up. Well, actually, it was... Telescope. I do apologise. Well, actually, Nugget has texted to say, in order to have established that you had a telescope, Carol Vorderman must have spied on you, pot kettle. Yeah.

So there you go. Good point. Yeah, so she's the snooper, after all. Emily, what were you saying? She is exposed. Carol Vorderman's exposed? No. She loves a detox.

She does. She lives for a detox. She does, and a bodycon dress, and a nude heel. And a Sudoku. That's her sums up, I think. Yep. I feel She does. And a bodycon dress. And a nude heel. And a Sudoku. Oh, she loves that. That's her sums up, I think. Yep. I feel it'll move on.

No, but I read this, Frank. I read this story that said that one in ten people apparently admit to snooping around people's homes when they go round there for dinner parties and things. One in ten? Yes, that's quite a high stat, as stats go. I don't have people in the house, this is why. Yeah, slay them.

You can imagine the temptation in a house like mine to go snooping. Oh, yeah, memorabilia. Wait, I mean, anything. But you see, I think... Is that why I've never been invited? Well, I... Awkward. In case I go on a memorabilia rummage.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, you can understand the temptation. I mean, the joy of actually going through people's drawers. But as you know... Marvellous. One of my great terrors in films is when you're looking through a drawer and stuff and someone...

When they're looking for secret documents and you realise the other person's... I'm getting tense talking about it. I know. You know what? I was watching something the other day that had a similar scene and I said to my wife, Frank, it's these scenes. She went, how do you know? And I went, I don't it. I know. You can't watch thrillers. Do you know what? I was watching something the other day that had a similar scene, and I said to my wife,

Frank, here, it's these scenes. And she went, how do you know? And I went, I don't know, I just do. No, I honestly can't cope with those scenes. And you can see, sometimes it's like a frosted glass window in the door. You can see that to the front. God's sake, get out of my office! Anyway, that's why I never, that's why I could.

Well, two reasons. One, as you know, I follow the net. He didn't like all the president's men. He found that stressful. Well, two of them are all right. But I follow the Nazarene, as you know. All right, yeah. And, you know...

From a halfway line. You know, Jesus. I follow Jesus, and he's the great CCTV, of course. Baby Jesus. You know, if I'm snooping, I know he knows. So I don't do it. Also, I think I'd get completely hooked if I let myself go on the snooping. I can imagine the joy of it.

They do say in London you're never more than six feet away from an adult magazine. Or is it rat? Yeah. I think it's rat. I think it is it rat yeah i think it's right i think it is right yeah you i don't think you'd have to dig very deep in anyone's house to find dark secrets it's my view yeah well mine are all on display dark secrets is a name of a magazine no but have you have you actually i've snooped have you i'm you I think we'll come back to this I'm keen to hear

it involves a celebrity oh you have been to my house on several occasions it involves a celebrity oh that's alright that's alright Frank

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio sno Absolute Radio. Snooping. Snoop Doggy Dog, yeah, that was me. Well, we had a terrible snooping incident when I was a child. I thought that was at Royal Week that you were adopting for a split second there. But I might just do that.

Yeah, it's super. My parents were separated, but it was in quite a civilised, middle-class way, so they were still quite good friends. So my dad had gone to stay with Nick Ross, which is what often happens when your family breaks up. Oh, the crime watch guy. Yes, yes, we're friends. Oh, God.

Lovely. Nick Ross was a sort of... I hope they didn't reconstruct the separation. Lovely house he had. He was a sort of young man, not married at the time, bachelor of that town. So we went with my dad to get him in his new abode with nick was he doing crime watch at this stage i don't know it might have been just pre-crime watch it might have just been on the cusp the contract might have been you know might just been about to sign the ink drying i was doing well for himself though nationwide i think he might have been oh yeah okay so we got

in there me my mum and my sister we thought we'll have a little snoop we'll have a little look around we did it together so there was oh my goodness troop on a snoop my dad was just being a nice man just sitting there you know not snooping at all we did everything we did a watergate sweep i was looking in i think i remember i was looking in the bedroom my mum mum, I remember this so vividly. My sister was in the study. Honestly, this is true. My mum, I remember to this day her saying, because he was single at the time, she said, oh, he's got a bidet. He's counting his chickens a bit. Because he didn't have a girlfriend. At that moment, I look downstairs

and Nick Ross is standing there. Oh, no. Yes. More to the car, Vera. This is where he got the idea for crime oh god so he caught you in the act he was so nice about it um but my dad didn't stay there for very long no how can he be nice about it exactly because he was a nice man wow and you know my mum's boyfriend was in a crime watch reconstruction he's an actor and he

ended up on the cutting room floor and i've always made that association yeah because of that yeah exactly i can imagine nick ross in the edit suite saying yes revenge is a dish best served cold caught him and that that could have been his big break your mum's boyfriend he could have gone on to be he could have been um he could have played the dame yeah he could have played the day he could have you know the day yeah yeah yeah he could have played that the dame he could have played that but it didn't happen okay so yeah well i a friend of mine um told me that he'd been experimenting with out-of-body experiences oh yeah you heard of these things yeah Some people sometimes think they're on the bedroom seat and they look down and they can see themselves in bed.

And he said, I left my body the other night and I went to your bed seat and watched you in bed. Oh. And he described all the pictures on the wall. I was living at home. My bedroom he described where he'd never been. He described the pictures on the wall, my duvet.

It wasn't a duvet, it was more of a quilt. He described all that. I was terrified. Owl in the cage? Absolutely. Terrified. And I said, don't ever materialise in my bedroom ever again. You've got to have a rule about such things, I think.

I was genuinely frightened about it. And it worried me for about two weeks. I used to imagine him hovering above me. And I found it very restricting. And then eventually he said, no, no, actually, when you were in the toilet a couple of weeks ago, I just nipped upstairs, had a look at your bedroom, just a bit of a joke, and I fell for it.

Prankster. Complete lie. It was right up there with my completely invented Absolute 50s story. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are you scared of heights? Either of you two. I'm very afraid of heights.

Are you? Yeah. No, it's one of those? Either of you two. I'm very afraid of heights. Are you? Yeah. No, it's one of those things I'm not really... Well, I once stood on a mosaicist's balcony in Westminster Cathedral. Is that high up? It's quite high up. I don't know what a mosaicist is.

Someone who does mosaics. Oh, him? All right. So he's doing a lot of ceiling work. Yeah. One he really needs, of course, is a jet pack. Yeah. But, and I did have that, you know,

people say you feel like a wobbly thing in your neck, and you feel a bit, I didn't, only time I've experienced that, but normally I love a height. Really? Because the Shard, you know, the massive London... I love the Shard. Do you?

You're a big fan of the Shard, because there was a man cleaning the windows. Well, did he have jetpack? No. Hold on a minute, hold on a minute. Eight o'clock, a girl awakes. Five past eight, a bath she takes. A quarter past, my lad dear breaks.

Everybody. When I'm cleaning windows. So he's cleaning the window. It was always going to happen with this story, to be fair. There was a big old thunderstorm, not thunderstorm, the wind got up, basically. Apparently it was very

frightening. He was dangling on the 72nd floor at that height for most of the day. Dangling by what, though? In the cradle thing, I think. You know the sort of... Oh in the cradle Oh it's truss, they have like a belt truss thing Yeah, yeah. They have a cradle

It's a belt and cog system isn't it? Of course if the bow breaks the cradle will fall. It'll plummet Oh god, can you imagine that I find that absolutely terrifying Well I live in flats, I don't know, I live in flats.

I'm on the 11th floor. I'm up on the 11th floor watching the cruise. This was the 72nd. I can't do the maths, but it's nearly seven times higher than where you live. We have these. I was talking to a bloke in the... In the flats. In the sort of foyer. And I said, what do you do?

He said, I'm an abseiler. Oh, right. I said, are you one of? He said, I'm an abseiler. Oh, right. I said, are you one of the blokes that clean the windows? He said, yeah, yeah, we clean the windows while we're up there. And I thought, no, you clean the windows, and that involves abseiling, don't you? You're not an abseiler, you're a window cleaner. That's like saying, I'm on street patrol,

and I collect a bit of rubbish while I'm out there. If you're a window cleaner, be loud and proud about it. You're not an abseiling. It involves abseiling. But you're not James Bond. No, he doesn't say I'm a ladder climber. No, you're a window cleaner. Anyway, I love the show

and I'll come back to it. I loathe it and I'll come back to that. Is there going to be conflict sounds like it this is frank skinner absolute radio the i watched the uh like i said i love the shard it looks like a massive spaceship because i can see it from my window it looks like a massive spaceship has landed in east london fantastic no i can see it from my window oh yeah all right get you guys it looks awful it's not i'll tell you why it could be good it's got potential don't get me wrong but it's not finished not by a long stretch have you seen the top it's all open it's all bitty they haven't

finished it like you see there's no occupy in the top? It's all open. It's all bitty. They haven't finished it. Shard-like, you see. There's an obdii occupy in the top bit. It looks... There are elements that look exposed as well. There's an obdii up there, yeah? That was the deliberate design of Renzo Piano. It's a horrible design. The Italian architect.

I really don't like it. Renzo Piano is sort of the posh version of Ashley Banjo. I looked, Frank. Having watched it evolve, I thought... I looked at it the other day, I thought, at least another year's work there. It evolved? To my horror. It shot up like a... It's brilliant, yeah.

I've misunderstood this architecture. I love it. It looks like there's a big launch pad in London. Brilliant. Although, I must say, I watched the opening laser show the other night. How was the Prime Minister of Qatar? No, I watched it from my window. I didn't go. I got up in the night to watch it.

It's a quarter past ten. I'd been in bed a while. And it was rubbish. Oh, really? Looked like they'd got three naughty children with laser key rings to stand on different floors and shine them out the window. Maybe some naughty children pinched the lasers. Yeah, that would not surprise me.

Watch out, you elderly neighbours. I'll tell you what, if I'd been cleaning the windows on the 72nd floor and been stuck in that lift, they'd have had to re-clean every window under me for the rest of the day. It's horrible. You've gone a bit earthy. I'm sorry I've gone earthy,

but my fear of heights knows no... Just because we're near 11 it's not getting carried away. Look, coming up next is Mark Crossley and if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening.

We love you all. Goodbye. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.