The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - A Little Announcement

Episode Date: January 28, 2012

Frank, Alun and Holly discuss weird habits and mistakes at work. Frank also sneaks in a little announcement before the end of the show!

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! Hey, this is Frank Skner. Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with the Cockerel, Alan Cochran.

Oh, I can't make his jingle work. It's a terrible, it's the worst possible start. Are we going to have to do it? There we go. There we go. Phew. And Holly Walsh is with us today. Now, let me see what we can have for... I might have to go back to the old... I was in a brass band for a good few years, so that suits me.

I see you as a cornetist. You're right. Was I? Could you tell by my embouchure? Your what? My embouchure. What does? My ombre-sure. What does that mean? An ombre-sure.

That's the way they pucker their mouth up. Yes, the circle where you blow through when you're playing the trumpet. No. Yeah. Well, I didn't want to guess that in case you took ombre-sure. No. So, um, what's the word? Ombre-sure.

No, I've never heard that before. I thought it was ombre-sure, but what do I know? Well, that's this week's text in it. That's the ombre of the day. How do you say ombre-sure. No, I've never heard that before. I thought it was ombre-sure, but what do I know? Well, that's this week's text in. That's the ombre of the day. How do you say ombre-sure? No, don't really. So it's like that extra mouthpiece bit that you put on a brass instrument. No, that's the mouthpiece.

I might be wrong about this, but I think that an ombre-sure is the sort of... It's the way you puck her up. It's the way you puck your lips. Oh, it's that, yeah, I know what you mean. To get blowing. Brilliant. I'm looking at Sandy Waugh, because Sandy Waugh knows everything, and she's in the next room and she's pointing at her lips

and giving me a thumbs up, which basically is a signal I've been waiting to get from her for about three years. It is your birthday. Exactly. It's your birthday. Exactly. It's way overdue. So here we are today, and I've had a week a bit like Bear Grylls must have most weeks,

when he goes back to the wilderness and just lives on his wits. Right. That kind of thing. From his mansion, presumably. Well, no, i think he's um i was an apartment dweller do you know i imagine bear just lives um lives in the wild doesn't it no that's that's the trick they all pedal for you then they go back to their house oh that's remember john noakes used to do that on go with noakes remember i used to say good

night to the camera zip up the tent then a minute the camera stopped running, he's off to a five-star hotel. The dog was just left to wander. So, is the cockerel a bit quiet this morning? Am I? I don't know. It's my birthday, my hearing could go without a gradual ramp, just go really suddenly. Maybe we're factoring in the fact that I normally get louder through performance adrenaline, you know what I mean? Yeah, well, you're famed for the amount of adrenaline you... I'm like a coiled spring here. You generate... No, that sounds... I can't hear me now. Oh, people don't want to hear all that, do they?

What they can hear and what I can... Now that's much better. People listening to you. Oh, we can start the show again now. Hey, good morning, it's Frank Scurrin' Absolute Radio. Oh, that was me umbers there. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. You know that was me umbers there. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. You know, we had a power cop at our flats this week.

Your flats, sir? My flat? Well, I mean, I live in flats. I live in a flat in a block of flats. Yeah, but you only own a flat in it. Oh, yes, I only own a flat. I don't think she's calling you a loser. I think she's being pedantic.

Okay, thank goodness for that. How many flats do people normally have? Well, you said flats like you owned a view, and this was a problem for you. Wouldn't you say our flats, meaning our... No, I'd say my flat. But the power cut was in the whole block. Well, our block of flats, then.

Oh, God, this is going to be a tricky morning, isn't it? OK, well, in our block of flats, we had a big power cut on, and it was off from 11 o'clock in the morning till 10 o'clock at night. Really? And it's, you know, it's quite cold at the moment, and it was difficult. I'll be straight with you. What was the heating affecting? Everything. No heating. I mean, we were in desperate fear for the freezer.

We've got a lot of stuff in there. Isn't it all right as long as you don't open the freezer? No, well, that's what everyone said. Just don't open the freezer door. But my girlfriend was very worried this stuff was going to go off and we were going to die of food poisoning. I was at the freezer door. It was like the Chilean miners. Me saying, look, we're doing everything we can to the frozen stuff.

But that's what we were told. As long as you don't open the freezer door, it'll stay frozen for several hours. But it was kind of... It was like the war. It was very... Exciting. I went over to the window and shook my fist at the Luftwaffe at one point, just for old time's sake. Have you got a torch application on your phone? Do you know? I have no idea.

I always use the sort of screen on my phone as a way of finding my way. If you've got a popular phone that I think we all have, then there's a torch app that's very useful. I cannot wait to get an opportunity. If someone's lost their keys or if we're at the cinema and, oh, I don't know where my seat is. Hang on a second. Boom, I'm there. You should download the new

Olympic torch app. Which I think lasts forever. That sounds good. Wouldn't it be brilliant just to celebrate the 21st century if everyone round and round Britain holding up a phone with the Olympic torch out on it for the Olympics? Because the old, the old rubbish lamp, not lamp, what have you got on the torch?

Oh, I've gone, I'm old. The Olympic lamp. I'm just an old man, Commander. That's what the spy used to say in Stingray when they came round his house. Even though he was a spy, he pretended he was just an old man living Commander. That's what the spy used to say in Stingray when they came round his house. Even though he was a spy, he pretended he was just an old man living on an island. Oh.

X-2-0, he was called. Which, incidentally, is the same number of the bus that goes from Birmingham to Stratford-on-Avon. You can text us in on 8-12-15. It's my bird. Don't do what I like. You can text us in on 8-12-15, and I have more tales of the power cut.

I mean, it was traumatic in many ways, but it was good in that it reminded me that if I have to, I could survive. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Yeah, so I was talking about my power cut thing. It was quite romantic, actually, me and the girlfriend in candlelight. Oh, yeah, nice.

And we had to talk. Yeah, because obviously the telly wasn't on and stuff. And we sat for a bit in silent darkness. And then eventually the words sort of dripped out, like water coming through a rock. You don't have a battery-operated radio or anything? I hate to keep bombarding you with these other options. I don't think we do have a battery-operated radio.

I mean, I was being at my most inventive. At one point, I went out into... Because the common areas, they kept... Supplied electricity for emergency exits. Oh, my God. So I had this brilliant idea, necessity being the mother of invention. I went out into the hallway, found a socket, and plugged in the kettle.

Just sat like an old Indian fakia next to the steaming kettle. I really felt, wow, man, that was a brilliant idea for me to think of that. I seem to remember us rolling paper up to make it catch a... Oh, no, hang on. Yeah, yeah. No, you're thinking of arson. Yeah, that's right. We used to... I went to boarding school, and on Power Cut we had to go and sit downstairs, all of us,

and we'd sit in a huge sort of date it was called the day room all all like 100 people in my house and we'd sing campfire songs until the power came back on oh lovely all of it any anyone you can name we sung it and was there a campfire of any kind it wasn't we just stared up yeah there was no campfire apps in those days no that wasn't and so do you think how did it stood you in good stead? Well, it just means that in any kind of emergency, in any kind of emergency, I'm quite drawn to Kumbaya. Yeah, yellow submarine.

I bet you did a bit of yellow submarine, didn't you? Anything with a round. I don't think I could have tempted Kath into a sing song. She's not that kind of partner. No. No. Would she have... Is it Lars Ulrich...

Not Lars Ulrich. Ulrich Schnauz. Ulrich. If it had been Ulrich Schnauz, she would have joined in. But with electronica and shoegaze, it's quite difficult in a power cop. Lars Ulrich, I think, is a disgraced cyclist, isn't he? Aren't we all?

Isn't he? I think I might have confused that. There was a bit that she did find hilarious, and she doesn't laugh at much, my girlfriend, but there was a bit where I was... Because I had stuff I was going to cook, I couldn't cook any of it because we didn't have a cooker, so I had to rely on sandwiches.

So I had a torch pointing it at the old bread, finding the blue bits so I could pick the blue bits off. This is like the war. Yeah, and I turned to her and said, you know, I was on BBC One twice, only two nights ago, and here I am picking the blue bits off bed by torchlight. Not off bed, off bread, that was a different... There was some blue bits on the bed.

We don't talk about that. I think it's all right. Bread's all right if you just pick those bits off. Yeah, just chop it off and have it. I agree with you. That's what Rai Vita is though, pretty much, isn't it? What? Blue bits? Yeah, just dried out bread. You are. 747,

aka Busy Tales, I don't know why his nickname is that, has put you should have run the extension lead from that socket to your flat, you donut. I like the fact that he's called you a donut. No, it's a good idea, though. Yeah, you could have had a whole house going with a couple of extension poles. It was too dark

to find the extension lead, let's face it. What I'm going to do is get a luminous extension lead for... I was also quite worried, because it was common emergency areas. We live quite near to St Thomas' Hospital, and i had an idea when i plugged the kettle in that all the life support machines would go down a notch and you know as much as i love a nice copper it didn't seem right but when the lights finally

came on it was something a bit sad about it did you hear a sort of round of applause throughout There's doors throughout the building. It's not that kind of flats. Butlers sighing. Exactly. Exactly, yeah. And irate millionaires going, What's the matter? What's the matter here? There's a lot of that going on in the... Yeah, it's those kind of flats.

But, um... Lars Ulrich is the drummer in Metallica, everybody. Is he? Yeah, sorry. You could have sung along to some Metallica songs while you were... Hulk Hogan was nearly in... nearly in Metallica.

So I was reading this week. Really? Yeah. Are you reading a biography of Hulk Hogan? Who isn't? Or some lies about Metallica. No, no, that was what he said in an interview this week. Jan Ulrich was the cyclist who doped and got caught from the Tour de France. Thank God.

There's a lot of Ulrichs about, isn't there? Oh, we're disseminating information this morning. He just had a nice glass of milk, by the looks of him. Hulk Hogan. Anyway, look, the power came on and it was all done and dusted. And it was like that moment when Dorothy wakes up at the end of Wizard of Oz and it goes colourful again. It was a special episode in my life I shall long remember. The Guardian.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. What else? My cake just came in. Your birthday cake. The cake came in. Your birthday cake. The cake came in. One candle, which I thought was quite diplomatic. I mean, it was an enormous, gnarled, old candle. I thought you'd say it was an enormous cake.

It could have fitted them all on. No, it wasn't that big a cake. Skeet Ulrich is very good looking. That's an Ulrich to fancy. Five, two, six. Oh, Skeet Ulrich, the German clay pigeon shooting champion Of course, my mistake This is the major texting of the day Name your Ulrich

What have you got? Favourite Ulrich It'll be Ulrich on the night Loving it Welcome to the show I feel you've truly got your membership now. You've got your England cat. Once you've done a croaky pun, you're in.

Did he call that a croaky pun? I wasn't calling it that one. That was a good pun. I had a really weird week. I recently moved in with my boyfriend, the first person I've ever lived with. Quite exciting. I like the way you did that,

slightly distant from the mic and then close to the mic. It suggested you moving in. I like to bring distance. Is, slightly distant from the mic and then close to the mic. It suggested you moving in. I like to bring distance. Is he called Mike, your boyfriend? Close to Mike. And I have found out that it's not normal to put your socks on first in the morning. And this is something I didn't know until I lived with somebody, because I've done that all my life.

And apparently that's weird. Socks on with nothing else on. This is the first thing you've put on. Let's go easy. No, I know, but we need to know, don't we? Yeah, it's the first item of clothing. You mean he's seen you get dressed already when he just moved in? What? Don't, look, with boys, don't give them too much too soon.

That's my advice. Well, I, it's, I, no, I can't, I'm very much a traditional pants on first. I think I... No, I can't... I'm very much a traditional pants-on first. I think it's because I don't know what it is. I always think someone's going to come in. But that's why I put my socks on first because fire alarms, that goes through my head. Yeah, but it would have to be one hell of an inferno

for me to leave without my pants. I'll tell you that. I think if someone did come in unexpected, you'd just got your socks on. It looks like you're just waiting for someone to come in while you haven't got your pants on. And you put your socks on because you're like, well, I'm wandering around, but, you know,

it looks like a trap. It's more funny than just pure nakedness, isn't it? It's naked and socks. Well, that's the other thing. I mean, I'm guessing you're a white ankle kind of a sock person. That is very presumptuous. It is a little. What are you?

Ball socks? Leather hosen? What have you got? What is it? A cashmere knee? Ticket for a cashmere knee sock. No, but it makes a difference because if white socks, I think it's all right to be naked in white socks,

but any other coloured sock looks ridiculous, on a man in particular. Black socks. I wouldn't say a white sock is probably the least attractive of all the socks. Really? I'd go as far as to say I would be put off by a man who wore just white socks. Really? Yeah.

You've got to have a rule, haven't you? This is why Michael Jackson had such a troubled love life. People were repelled by his fabulous glittery white socks. But he just had socks and a glove. So he's... Yes. You don't want to walk in on someone with just socks and a glove because the options are too terrifying to imagine.

It just makes you wonder, doesn't it? What would you put it down to the socks first? Well, it's the fire alarm thing. When I was at school, we were always told you had to put your socks and shoes on first and then leave the building. Well, that's the trouble if you have a bonfire in the day room on a regular basis. There's always

a fear that the building could go up at any time. But also, I would class socks very much as a A, as an underwear item and B, that's the piece of my body that gets dry the quickest because obviously I've journeyed... What, your socks? No, my feet.

So they're the driest bit. That makes sense to put on your socks. Because your feet have... In case of a fire, you see your feet as some sort of kindling. It can go up at any time. This is why Kate Winslet got the old lady at the house so quickly, because you're so dry at that age. Oh, it's like having a yuletide log in a corner of the room.

You've got to get her out. If you have any strange habits you'd like to tell us about, you can text us at 81215. That went very one show. That was a one show moment. Or things you didn't realise were weird until somebody else pointed them out. Absolute Radio

with Frank Skinner. I think we've had a text, haven't we? We've had various texts about strange habits. We've also had a text saying have you any idea how unattractive the socks only look is? No wonder it's taken this long for someone to move in with her, which seems a bit unkind to Holly.

That's from my boyfriend as well. Yeah, that's from Mike. Somebody else's husband puts his T-shirt on first and then leaves it a while to put any other item of clothing on, so just walks around in a T-shirt and that's it. Yeah, I used to live with Top Cat, and he used to put his waistcoat on first and then a straw boater. And then nothing else.

Really? Is he like a newsreader? Yeah. Is that what they do? I've always assumed. I've never been out of the newsreader. I've always assumed that they've got jeans on under that suit. You know, the bottom half.

Oh, no, that's Sandy Warner now. Oh, yeah, we can find out. She's got the newsreader inside info. I'm fairly sure somebody told me that when you're wearing a tailored suit, the way to dress is to put the socks on before the trousers, because if you put the trousers on and then bend to put the socks on, you crease up the trousers. Oh, that makes sense.

But then you should put your shoes on as well. Arguably, yeah. And that's going to be difficult, putting a shoe through a well-tailored leg. That's a good point. That is a good point. That's why Oxford bags were invented, and indeed slip-ons. Oh, the slip-on shoe, right. You could just wear a loafer.

Or a slipper, like a fluffy slipper. Yeah. Do I like a fluffy slipper? No, no, you could just wear a sort of fluffy slipper. I thought you were giving me a choice of birthday gifts. OK, I'll have a fluffy slip. Could I have one of those that's almost feather? You know those ones when you think, is that fluff or is it feather?

It's so light on the front of a... Who's ever given you a pair of feather slippers? Well, no one yet. But, you know, stick around. I'll tell you what my habit is, which I wasn't really aware of until my girlfriend pointed it out. I clear my throat quite a lot. Oh, really?

It always sounds like I'm about to say something of great import. Sometimes I've been in groups of people where they're not used to me and I go... And they all stop ready for the speech. You also have an annoying habit of banging a spoon against a glass quite often. Exactly. That's the other one, yeah. And standing up at any sort of dinner, large dinner. No, it's true, though. I've got that.

Either that or she's always doing something that you want to put her up on, but don't quite have the guts to say it. Yeah, exactly. That would be more of a, um... No, I wouldn't dare do that. My girlfriend shrugs in the night. Oh, really? Like I've asked her something that she's not very interested in. Yeah, I can feel it going through the mattress, her shoulders shrugging.

I think she dreams a lot about indifference my mum does a sort of version of that while she's awake where she'll just go now that's the walk over your grave theory yeah but i mean it's it's happening four times an hour to my mum i don't know if it's on a thoroughfare or something i don't know yeah and also the rising cremation doesn't seem to have affected the walk over the grave thing at all. I grind my teeth in my sleep, which must be awful for the wife to have to sleep in. Why have you got a lathe? It's horrible.

And apparently my weird habit in the house is I'm not particularly tidy, but if we're sitting down to watch something on the telly, I have to have the areas that I can see between me and the television tidy. So I will tidy up the areas of my peripheral vision. Oh, I like that. So there could be extreme untidiness just out of view, doesn't bother me, but within where I'm looking. I like my peripheral vision, so I keep saying, hang on, before we sit down to watch The Killing, let's say, I need to sort out my periphery. See, not really.

Yeah, I can't bear the tide. But then you could turn your head and then your periphery would just extend. Yeah, I mean, the next logical step is for me to get blinkers to watch the television. Blinkers, that's a brilliant idea. Or a room that's quite narrow at one end and a bit wider at the television end. I'm very happy in hotels, surprisingly. Yeah, what... That's what you get in a hotel.

You get sorted periphery. They guarantee you'll have a clear periphery. A sorted periphery. I like... Isn't the word potpourri? You haven't got mixed up. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We were talking about strange habits, were we not? We were, we've had a text in From someone saying that their colleagues enjoy wandering around the office barefoot And they're suggesting maybe that's...

This is from one of the disciples We hear from them occasionally They're still about and I suggested maybe that's... This is from one of the disciples. We hear from them occasionally. They're still about. Oh, God, they're still about. They're split up by now. No, I think one left early, but the others carried on. They're quite like the sugar babes in that respect.

Yeah, exactly. They sort of get replaced. Yeah. I was thinking Atomic Kitten. Seeing Judas as the sort of Kerry Katona. We could do this radio show any time from 1992 to now, with these sort of references. Well, we could come back 2,000 years for the insightful stuff.

811 has texted in saying, I find that old men in swimming pool changing rooms will always go socks first and can sometimes spend up to 20 minutes before even considering putting on I'm assuming they mean putting on other clothing but they do do that, yeah. Maybe they know about the verruca, the old men, maybe they're like years in the game.

I think you'll find that that's just hardening of the arteries and other things that cause a paleness of the feet, they haven't got socks on at all. But also, I would say that that's the stupidest thing to do because everybody knows in swimming pool changing rooms, you put your socks on last because

it's always wet on the floor. Oh, yeah. You say everybody knows but not the elderly. Maybe the new. They've forgotten and having to relearn that. Oh, no. That's terrible. How's your verruca? I think it's... I can't? I think it's...

I can't really tell how it is. You're not charting it. I'm not carefully charting it now. Give it a firm file down. I'm trying a different method every week. We keep getting emails with people suggesting... Somebody this week suggested I used... I forgot that.

It's something about peroxide or something. Yeah, was it something about... I don't know. Give it highlights. Give your ver I don't know. I don't know where I end up with... Give it highlights. Give your viewers some highlights. Yeah, I don't want blonde feet. It'd be like... It'd be like... If it was blonde feet, it'd be like Arthur Miller in bed with Marilyn Monroe with her sleeping at one end of the duvet

and me at the other. What a fabulous recreation of an old Hollywood marriage that would be. It's using H2O2, hydrogen peroxide, worked for me. I think I used 35%. What does that mean? I think you probably mix it with water. No, it's like alcohol. You mix it with coke or tonic water.

A mixer? Oh, OK. Widely available mixer. Within a week they were gone. Dab Verrucas with a Q-tip dipped in H2O2 every night and morning. Who's that from? That's from someone that sent us an email. Oh, okay.

I like the fact that no chiropodists or trained experts have offered any sort of advice. No, I'm happy to go with Mo's mixers as an idea. Mixer Mo. Yeah, that's a brilliant idea. Mixer Mo toes. Mixer Mo toe. I mean, there's so much in there. I'd get a pencil and paper and go.

Yeah, I'm... No, that would be good. I might have a peroxide and Red Bull to speed up the process and also to improve my tap dancing. Now, my current thing with the veruca is i've bought one of those pipes that the old snake charmers use and i just play it at the opening hoping i can lure the veruca out anyway i don't know we got on to veruca yeah exactly that's one of my strange habits Mine's tidying up my peripheral vision and yours is playing a pipe to your feet.

Mine's Veruca charming. It's hot in here, isn't it? I also have a strange habit of pretending to be Welsh or Scottish for whole days at a time around the house. Do you really? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, yeah. I'll just, I'll be in the house going, All right, love, how are you? Oh, I'm great, me. And my wife will just be looking at me like, what are you doing? I just do it for ages and don't even realise I'm doing it.

That's a fabulous... You have no idea. Oh, no, I know I'm doing it, but I can't get out of it once I'm into it. It's very strange. And the Scottish one's a slightly strange, aggressive one, where I'm like, I'm going to batter you. See you, I'm going to batter you. Can you keep that up all...

Well, I can do that for... I mean, my wife's been quite close to leaving several times. What, is she anti-Scottish? Well, if they get independence, do you think you'll have to drop that? Maybe, yeah, I don't know. That wouldn't change the accent, would it? That's slightly terrifying, though, isn't it?

No, but it feels like you'd have less right. Every time she opens the door, she's worried which Alan's going to be there. Yeah. Prank, thanks for doing the Byron. 040 has texted in. I don't know what that means. Thanks for doing the Byron.

What's that? I don't know. It could be referring to a joke that I did the other night that died a terrible death. It could be referring to that. Oh, sorry. Well, I had a Byron burger pre-show. Oh, nice. joke that I did the other night that died a terrible death. I'm referring to that. I had a Byron Burger pre-show. Oh, nice. I was doing it. I'm doing gigs at

I'm not plugging it. It's at the Noel Coward Theatre. I'm doing gigs at the moment. And I went on stage and I had quite a big piece of burger in my teeth. And so I had to pick it out and I said, I've just had a Byron Burger. And I said, they're had a Byron burger and I said um they're nice but I find them less lyrical than the Shelly burgers absolutely not only nothing

but a kind of a loud nothing an aggressive silence if you can imagine such a thing of outrage not only a lot of Coleridge fans in that yeah I think there was a lot of that you could smell the laudanum in the air. The opium down out the back had gone to your head. I wish you wouldn't talk about Chinatown like that. But no, it was one of those where I thought, you know, it was a long shot, let's face it. In that sort of situation, all you want is one person to laugh

and you feel like you've done a good thing. But if no one laughs, you just feel like a fool. You know what, even I didn't laugh. It was that kind of gag. I said it and I just felt people thought I was being a bit hoity-toity. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

and I'm with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh. I read a story this week That was Holly Walsh. This is Holly Walsh. This is Alan Cochran. For Walsh. I read a story this week. That was Holly Walsh. This is Holly Walsh. Oh, sorry, hi. This is Alan Cochran. OK.

For the avoidance of doubt. I'm waiting for my voice to break. You read the story. Was it Stick of the Dump to a group of awestruck schoolchildren? You read Byron this week, though. I did read Byron. We found that out. I decided on the cheeseburger.

So, talking of cheeseburgers, excellent link, the Duchess of Cornwall this week asked people to come up with recipes for... Are you saying that because she looks like a cheeseburger? She doesn't look like a cheeseburger. She does a bit, with her blonde hair representing the cheese. If anything, she looks like a cheese meatball. OK, I'll give you that. So she's asked people to come up with recipes

for the Queen's 60th anniversary that's coming up. For example, I didn't know this, but... I believe they're calling it the Jubilee, aren't they? The Jubilee. Or is it Diamond, is it? It's the Diamond Jubilee. Diamond Jubilee, yeah. Did you know that coronation chicken was invented for her coronation?

Do you know, I had no idea about that. I thought coronation chicken was an Indian meal. It's got a kind of a curry feel to it. Yeah, it has, but they put it all together as a mark of respect to her coronation. They used to do these things. I remember at school having some Churchill's funeral profiteroles. Dark chocolate, of course, out of respect.

I think they often celebrated a major national event with a foodstuff. I can see the similarities between a profiterole and Winston Churchill, weirdly. Don't they often celebrate in a major national event with a foodstuff? I can see the similarities between a profiterole and Winston Churchill, weirdly. Yeah, well, times have changed. But I was thinking my choice would be... Because, obviously, Coronation Chicken isn't exactly like a normal mixture of foods. It's got sort of raisins in it or sultanas. People get angry about sweet and savoury together

don't they? Yeah. People get uppity about that. I don't mind it but people do. Chill is based on the old light and dark thing isn't it? Or the Shakespeare play where you get the tragic moment followed by the comedy characters. Indeed. I mean it follows a format but people still get uppity about it. I understand. People get uppity about

all sorts. We need to come up with more suggestions for them for what recipes we could come up with this week. Is it school kids she's asked to come up with the classic sort of silver jubilee thing. Don't ask school

kids because all you'll get is sweets and boogies isn't it? That's what they call fish fingers and all that. Jubilee pasta is pasta with sweets and bogeys. Oh, please. Some people are having their breakfast listening to this. Jubilee cereals. Whatever the pudding is, it should be called Lovely Jubilee.

Yeah. Lovely Jubilee. By Rusty Lee. Sarah Lee. Sarah Lee. I heard somebody call the Jubilee line the Jubilee line the other day. Very cocky. Deliberately.

Yeah. No, no, no. They thought it was called the Jubilee line. I thought lovely Jubilee. I thought that could actually be... Or was it David Jason? It was, yeah. He was lovely.

I think since the Queen's bodyguard, he's just been wandering around London in his socks, saying all sorts of odd stuff. Just his socks. Oh, yeah. It's completely gone. It's a terrible thing. I had to help him the day. Nearly fell through. You know those things in bars where they lift the flap

off? He nearly looked to me like he was going to lean on where the gap was. I managed to stop him just in time. Did you say mind the gap? I did on the job, Lili. Here somebody has texted it the you remember a minute ago we were doing the thing the lady texted don't ask me that on my birthday i don't remember the lady that texted about her husband wearing only his t-shirt she's texted again saying the

comment about my husband and his t-shirt habit you read out because no one said it was weird he now thinks i'm the weird one. She's a bit... Yeah, I mean, we're all weird in our own way. I think... The thing is, though, and I know where she's coming from, but I think you've got to be able to relax in your own home. Do you know what I'm saying? And if he feels good in just a T-shirt...

I mean, also, we're talking about length. If it's a crop top, I can see that... A boob tube. Yeah. But if it's a lengthy T-shirt, I think... Oh, I'm glad that's what you meant when you said we're talking about length. Can I remind you, it's night... We're moving on.

It's 13 minutes past night. You wear only a pyjama top, though. I do, exactly. Yeah. I think it was... Holly's not looking at it. How come Alan knows that? Yeah.

I can assure you we've talked a lot on air. Yeah, it's... Yeah at it. How come Alan knows that? Yeah. I can assure you we've talked a lot on air. Yeah, it's... Yeah, it's... I think it's important to be able to relax in your own home. I mean, Holly's only just moved in with her boyfriend. It takes time to get to this level. Already you're happy in just your socks. No, I've always done that.

Yeah, but some people, when they move in with someone, they think, oh, well, I'd better put on a bit of a false front. And let me rephrase that. My wife did that the night we met. Did she? Oh, that was a wonder bra. Oh, God. Thank God it was a wonder bra.

I wonder where we were. I think we need to get out of this, Link. I think we're playing with fire. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. We were just talking about special meal being arranged for the Queen's Silver Jubilee.

Well, they just want a new recipe that they could sort of call the Jubilee meal or whatever. The lovely jubbly. Lovely jubbly, yeah. I definitely want Elizabeth's. I know that. What's that? Seconds. Oh, nice. Is that a real...

No, it isn't. But it should be at the Jubilee meal. Does anyone want Elizabeth's? My parents have a saying that they once went to dinner with someone and at the end of the night they weren't allowed any more for, like, seconds because someone said that this was an Edward meal, meaning that Edward would be eating it the next day so from now on in our household we call everything an edward is this an edward

meal means that we're not allowed to eat any more of it because we have to eat it the next day i've never heard of that before no i don't i think it's just a family short oh okay an edward meal smashing i don't know what i'd make for the queen i uh oh for the jubilee it's a diamond jubilee maybe she should just have diamond white get her really drunk and then she'll eat of course she is the only person I believe who can kill swan so let's have swan

well that's the weird thing that it said in the article that she doesn't like fussy food and I was thinking you're the only person that's allowed to eat swan and you don't like fancy food how do you eat swan? I imagine it on a silver platter with a sort of a hot dog roll attachment for the neck.

No, no, no, they just deep fry it. They just dip from the neck down. Oh, the neck becomes a handle. Yeah, exactly. Nice. So the only bit you don't want to eat is the neck up. You'd have to wait for the rigor mortis to set in a little bit. You don't want your swan flopping all over when you're trying to eat it like a lollipop. I think you can get a neck brace specially for it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just get a swan that's been in an accident. There's plenty of those around. I have a meal that I eat, especially when I'm sort of ill or not feeling too happy. Is it a barium meal? It's... You get pasta and then you get copper soup, and you cook the pasta, and then you put raw copper soup on it, like, not a lot of liquid in it,

and then you just grate loads of cheese over the top. I reckon I'd put that one in. Where's the juice coming? Where's the moisture? There isn't any juice. It just thickens it. Oh. It's delicious. Really? I promise you.

I don't like the sound of that. I class myself as a bit of a food snob, but that is amazing. What worries me is that copper soup, against all its natural instincts, has been forced into a meal where there is neither a cop nor is there any soup. Exactly. How does it feel about it? That's what we need to ask. It doesn't really

fulfil its name. No, it's a hostage to fortune, copper soup in this case. I feel sorry for it. About the Duchess of Cornwall starting this is that her son is Tom Parker Bowles, the food writer. Surely, just ask him. Save a lot of faff. You don't need to ask the school kids.

It'll be done by the end of the week. It's never struck me before that he's called Bowles and he's a food critic. I suppose it's the E in Bowles, isn't it? Yeah, you know, there are people that can be led on by their names. Yeah, yeah. I met a bloke who worked for a freezing company, and he was called something Frost. It did tickle me.

He must have had it every day, but it really tickled me. No, that was David Jason again. He's been wandering around. But Frost... He now thinks he is actually Inspector Frost as well. He's completely lost it. Do you not have a weird combination of food that you like that other people don't seem to like?

I like cheese and sprout sandwiches. Do you? The Brussels sprout is... Or they're lumpy. The Brussels sprout is really maligned. It shouldn't only be eaten at Christmas. It's a wonderful thing. Very nice.

It melts the cheese, that's what's brilliant about it. Wait, so you get a bit of bread, and then you take a whole sprout, or you cut them in half? No, a whole sprout. You don't cut them in half? No, it looks like a... You know when the myxomatosis thing, it looks like a rabbit's head from that era?

You should get a sprout doughnut. You should. So, yeah, if you have any ideas for the Queen's whatever it is, Jubilee Dinner, let us know. See, again, it's gone very one show. I don't feel I'm flowing. 8, 12, 15. I'm not flowing today. I'm sounding like some sort of phony old DJ from way back.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. We've had a texting about your show, Frank. My show? Your show. Oh, we're not going to start mimicking my accent. I'm terribly sorry. Hi, Frank. We came to your show on Wednesday night just to let you know

we didn't die on the drive home. Brilliant performance. Icing on the cake would have been you playing your uke. I'm doing your show next weekend, so I'm keen to know how it's going. Well, it's going... Generally, it's going very well. That particular night was...

I wouldn't look back on it. It was... I think it was the narrator at the opening of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens who says it was the best of times, it was the narrator at the opening of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens who says it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. So there was some tremendous moments and then there was one very difficult. Well, I have a sort of quiz at one point where I get up two volunteers from the audience and someone said to me, oh, choose my friend, choose my friend.

And I looked at her friend and everything, all my comedy instincts said don't choose her friend and so i chose her friend and um it went quite wrong she got on stage and i said right do you want to do the quiz and she said yes she came up and i asked her the first question she said i didn't know there'd be questions okay and it got worse from there and it got I won't go through the whole rigmarole, but I ended up in a situation where I said to a member of the audience that I hope they died in a car crash on the way home. And I said quite slowly, and I said,

I hope you remember this moment when you're being cut out of the wreckage of oxyacetylene equipment. I think I sort of... Well, I didn't exactly... I apologised. Later in the evening, as I calmed, I said, you know, I'd settle for a mild concussion. And I think the last link, I said, just a migraine. So I steadily calmed, but it was...

He giveth and he taketh away. It was very odd. I did the opening monologue from Richard III at one point. Did you? No apparent reason other than the woman, the strange woman who'd come up on stage, was sort of honching lower and lower as she spoke, and I started going with her,

and next thing I know, now it's the winter of our district. I just did the whole... So it was, as I said at the end, it was profoundly live. Yeah. It can really slip away from it. The quiz went very bad indeed.

There was actually a moment where about six people were going off, off, off. Oh really? To you or to the lady? Well, I like to think it was for her, but I can't be totally sure. You don't want to be caught by that stray bullet. No, exactly, but it could have been me. I should say everyone in the room who isn't a professional comedian

is listening to this through their hands like, ahhh, proper horror, and everybody else is like, oh, you know, it happens. I haven't heard off, off, off for many a year. So at the end, when I went on for the closing link, I claimed that it wasn't me who died during the quiz and it had all been done like Sherlock. The two people were two volunteers from my homeless army

and we'd set up the whole thing, but no-one believed that. Spoiler alert there for anybody that Sky cluster I suspect. It was yes it was difficult. Oh and at the end, at the very end, I always leave the stage to Tomorrow from Annie.

You know the son of Garmer. And instead of going off stage to that I did a sort of modern interpretive dance to it. To the lyrics? Or just to the events of it. What, to the lyrics? Yeah. Or just to the events of the evening? No, to the lyrics of, you know...

Anyway, so do come along and see us. Probably take the train home as well. Yeah, get the train home, because, you know, things are getting quite dangerous out there, I would say. Frank, Frank, Frank Sk say. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer!

Absolute Radio! We've had a text in from Brian in Liverpool. I once told people that I feel stupid when I bite my fingers when eating a sandwich, only to find out that it's only me that does it. Good. I like that. Good lad. I'm trying to work it out how you would do that you would yeah if you're old yeah you just his fingers are coming he's got an overbite well he's either overbitten or he's overreaching with the fingers i think he's a man who's worried about

dropping the sandwich so he's holding it in two maybe he's eating one of those overfilled sandwiches that you sometimes get, you know, when you get a little head of steam up when you're making a sandwich. You think, yeah, I'll pop a bit of that in as well. Oh, and a bit of that. You must be like that, where you pile in pickles. I'm throwing in an extra sprout.

Too many sprouts. No, I'll do a s'pitter. I'll put a cabbage in. Cabbage sandwich. I've had almost everything on a sandwich. The great thing about sandwiches is once you get to the thing where you can just you know eat it like that you don't have to add much washing up to do see the bread as a substitute plate and work on that that's my advice for the morning thanks brian in liverpool so yeah we were talking about things going a bit wrong at work, generally speaking.

Oh, I've had a few. I once had a job where I was sort of a part-time worker at a place and the boss I didn't like and she didn't really like me and she told me off and turned away and as she was talking to me with her back to me, I was making faces, you know, like... Yeah, yeah. Only for her to look up and go, you know I'm looking at you in this reflection here.

And I was like... Like, she was just watching me go... Like, really immature. Can I verify, you weren't making the sound... No, but I was trying to let the radio listeners know. OK. Because everyone knows what that face is. Oh, yeah, and you did it so well.

I was a little bit offended just seeing you recreate it. I felt an air of disrespect. I used to work as a chambermaid in a hotel. Who didn't? I don't want to break it to you listeners or whatever, but people who work as chambermaids quite often help themselves to things as in if you haven't eaten your biscuits they'll start eating them or

things like that and somebody had left some chips on a plate and me and the girl I was cleaning the room with started eating the chips and they walked in to find us finishing their meal Was this in the 19th century? They didn't have chips in the 19th century I thought they walked in to find us finishing their meal. Was this in the 19th century? They didn't have chips in the 19th century.

I thought they did in Birmingham. So get over it. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. We move towards the last sections of the show. You've got all the commentator on it. Yeah.

There's a little, like a golf tone to your voice or something. Sort of Peter Alice. Something like that. Yeah, I wish. That would be lovely. Anyway, look, I have something of an announcement to make. Do you?

Now that I'm in golf. You're going to clear your throat. Hold on. So I'm going to be a father. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Yeah, that's what people always say, isn't it? Your birthday and a baby.

Yes, I thought I'd rob in the fact that I'm an older parent by announcing it on my... And you are, somewhat. I mean, are you slightly paranoid about any jokes you've made about famous ageing fathers in the past? What, the David Jason element? Did he? Was he an old dad holder? Oh, God, he was. Wasn't he 67 or something like that?

Was he really? Yeah. John Humphreys was... And who was the famous one? Was it Des? Yeah, it was Des O'Connor. The way I'm seeing it is I probably won't have to deal with those difficult teenage years.

I'll be out of there. Every cloud. That's the way to look at it no it's um i mean i haven't really spoke about it to anyone but i thought you know as you and my radio family you thought we'll broadcast it to the nation well you know i feel that the people listen to this show what is the 30 of them i feel that they're right they're intimates of mine rather than audience members imagine they're group texting each other right now. They might. They're all sitting in the same room. They all meet in a church hall somewhere.

They're in the day room. I've already made certain pledges. You know, first of all, I don't want to be, and I know you do this occasionally, Alan, but I don't want to be one of those comics that does material about their children. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you definitely don't want to be a comic like me.

That would be an aggressive step for your career, Frank. No, but you know what I mean I once saw Robin Williams do a whole sort of 25 minute thing about nappies and I thought I know what's in nappies where was the surprise element in this you can say that about any observational comedy though I've been on a train

what are you on about yes I'm eating airport food what's the point people who don't have kids they don't want to hear people who do have kids I've been on a train. What are you on about? Yes, I'm eating airport food. What's the point? Yeah, but there's something about it. People who don't have kids, they don't want to hear people who do have kids talking about having kids. That's my theory. I was once out, I went to a contemporary dance event with Tony Adams, Lee Dixon of Arsenal, right? Who hasn't? Yeah, it was a, okay, it's against the grain, but the three of us went, and Adrian Childs as well.

And we went for a dinner after, and there was lots of non-football people at the dinner. And me and Tony Adams was talking about football, and he was really, you know, he was telling me loads of information. And Lee Dixon said, Er, Addo, put the ball away, mate. And I've said that to my girlfriend, Kath, a few times. We've gone into baby talk and I see people glazing over

and I say, Kath, put the ball away. So you know it's not a ball, don't you? It looks like a ball from the outside. It looks like a ball up her top, but it's not a ball. It's a bump. Oh, that's fair enough. Also, I always think that, you know when people do that stuff, the funny things that kids say, they say,

oh, my kid said this thing the other day. I always think if I was a child, I'd really, I'd never been, I'd never bond with my father if I knew he was using my material. Yes. Yeah. I'd think, just write it down, I'll use it when I get older. 526 has texted in his congratulations already. That's fantastic.

Isn't that nice? He's quick off the... I'm going to remember that from 526 has texted his congratulations already. That's fantastic. Isn't that nice? He's quick off the... I'm going to remember that from 526. There's so few numbered congratulations I find in life. Yeah. So obviously it's going to change my whole... I mean, when you get to my age, you get up five or six times in the night anyway, so that's not going to...

Absolutely. It's the perfect time to start reading. But our producer, Emma, is actually leaving today to have a baby daisy who wants me to say they're not related you know what the babies might be related but not to the arnold schwarzenegger about you yeah um thanks very much well can i just say i don't want to quote my own jokes but there was a man in the audience last night from California, and I said, isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger the governor of California? And he said he was, but he isn't anymore.

And I said, I think you should anticipate his return. And the audience laughed, and I thought, no one would get it. And I was so pleased. Anyway, there I was talking about babies, but then I remembered a joke I did. I got excited. This is what your child has in store. Exactly.

No, it's very, very exciting, and all that stuff. Her congratulations has come in from five to six now. Oh, sorry. He's texted in congratulations from himself and from, I imagine, his good wife or spouse, or a female that he's with. Surely, I expected six to be her surname if it was his wife, but I thought she'd have a different first name.

Maybe it's Mrs 526. Oh, OK. Old Ma 526 has texted in. So it's a good... You have Cockrell Junior, of course. It's a good move, isn't it? Yeah, it's great. Honestly, it'll open up a whole new world of excitement. You see the world through fresh eyes again. Well, ever since the power cut, I'm thinking I need someone to play with

if there's no telly. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, cos the kids are battery operated, so that's fine. That way? Yeah. I didn't know that. Cos you'll be next once them socks come off.

Oh, dear. But it just means I'll be up for the show a lot earlier and uh and stuff like that so go on what else so what i'm saying to the listeners is get knitting yeah hearty congratulations um you can um speaking of surprise downloads, you can download Not The Weekend podcast, which will be available from... It takes nine months to just air. Yes, it's actually due. It's due on Wednesday. That's the due date. But we don't want to induce the podcast, if we possibly can. Mark Crossley is expected shortly. Very good.

Pregnant pause And with any luck it won't be very jaundiced When it arrives, the baby If you're not listening on Absolute Radio You won't get that joke But I'm about to play yellow, like Coldplay Anyway, if the good Lord's willing and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back this time next week.

Thank you so much for listening, and ta-ra a bit. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.