The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Actually Nah

Episode Date: February 15, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Emily takes the hosting seat as Frank is away and Steve Hall joins the team. Emily describes her first and only encounter with the boyband 5ive. The team discuss the first films they remember seeing at the cinema and if they have any string emotions towards certain weather types.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. But I'm not Frank, I'm Emily Dean. I'm sitting in Frank's seat this morning. I have to say, it's a little bit snug on my curves. I don't think the studio's ready for my jelly, I'm going to say. Frank can't be with us this morning. He's got a little bit of a... What would you describe it as, Daley? Daley, I called you Daisy?

Bit of a chest infection. Daley Thompson is producing the show today. Yeah, but we have to say he is still doing his show tonight. Yes. Tickets still available. Not Daley Thompson. Frank is. Daley Thompson's not doing his show.

No. He'd turn up in a tracksuit, possibly, if he was. But, yeah, we hope you feel well. He's giving his voice a little rest, which I think is a sensible thing. A bit like Liza Minnelli when she was on tour. It's that sort of thing. He's very like Liza Minnelli.

He is. He was brilliant in Cabaret. So I'm holding the fort. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter. It's at Frank on the radio. I'm joined, as ever, by Lecoq Sportif. Thank you. How are you finding that name?

How's it working for you? I like it, yeah. Yeah, it's good. I don't believe you. I do. I do like it. Okay. We also have Steve Paul in the house.

Good morning. Hi, Steve. Hello. You've been away for a while, haven't you? It's been a while. Did a jail sentence, didn't he? No, you haven't been away for a while. I went to Australia,

which could be considered a jail sentence for some people. Yeah. Once upon a time. I'm glad you haven't gone. You know when people go to Australia and they could be considered a jail sentence for some people. Yeah. Once upon a time. I'm glad you haven't gone... You know when people go to Australia and they come back with an accent? I can't bear that. They go, oh, how you doing? Yeah, oh, I just picked up an accent while I was there.

No, you didn't. You were there for like a week. I get certain words. We went for three weeks. And the word... It's the way Australians say, around. Oh, yeah. It's like they're treading on a cat when they say around.

And you've picked that up. Yeah. Have you? Right. Now, I've got a lot to discuss this morning. It's my train set, so I'll do what I want. So we'll mainly be talking about me. Great.

We've got three hours. Yeah. Not enough, I say. We can stretch it a bit. However, I've got a few bits of housekeeping we need to get out of the way. Firstly, I don't have a cup of tea and I'm not happy about it. Just putting that out there. Oh, God. Diva moment. Hashtag.

Secondly, we need to talk about Simone Cowell. Because there's been some news, hasn't there, this morning? I think we should offer our heartfelt congratulations. Indeed. A baby's born in Bethlehem. Yeah. And, of course, you'd call it Eric. Why has he called it Eric?

Because it's his dad's name, I think. Oh, well, that's rather nice, and I feel terribly guilty. No, I don't at all. It's a terrible name. I just really hope the mother's father might have been called Little Earn. Can I tell you what I liked? I was reading about this in the summer, which is where I get all my news. And one of my favourite details about the Simon Cowell birth, Simon got a British Airways flight because his private jet was stranded by the weather.

It is only the second time he has flown commercial in a decade. I have so much respect for that man. Yet more common ground for you and me. I now really want to know what the other time he flew commercial is. What's his bigger reason? What occurred? I think that was on his gap year, probably. He found out that Shed 7 were doing a reunion gig.

He had to get back. I like apparently, because he's admitted that, you know, some aspects of his lifestyle aren't very conducive to having a child. Smoking, drinking, having a harem. However, he said he's planning to splash out, instead of giving up smoking, which would be the most sensible, easy way round this, he's instead spending £200,000 on a ventilation system in his den.

Wow. He's got a den? He's got a den. He's got a den? That's immediately set up for a kid, isn't it? Kids love dens. He's like a little fox in that respect. Anyway, more about Simon in a minute.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean. I'm here with Steve Hall and Alan the Cockerel, uh, Cochran. Oh, hello. I thought I'd give a little accent that time. Yes, I've gone very French this morning.

Now, we've talked a bit about Simon Cowell. I'm sure. I was thinking about his bad smoking habits. Yeah. And pretty soon he's not going to be allowed to do that in the car with a child in it, is he? But luckily he has a fleet of cars. Yes. So he can just have one for the children.

He'll have somebody behind him in an S-Max with children in it, and then he can puff away in a Bentley. Maybe he'll bring his own kind of ventilation system that he can smoke through so he'll look like kind of Darth Vader. You're comparing Simon Cowell to Darth Vader. He can have it built into his clothes. Darth Vader's not that bad.

Seeing as he arranged for his two dogs to fly out on a private jet, he had a jet for the dogs. Did he really? Yeah. Wow. I don't think it'll present a problem. But enough about other people. What about me? I announced that we got the dogs cleaned, the dogs' teeth cleaned, and it was 200 and odd quid.

People were outraged. But I haven't flown the dog about in a private jet, to my knowledge. I mean, I don't look at the bills. Just FYI, they cost quite a bit. I think you might get a shock. I'll have to have a look at the statement. Have you ever been on a private jet?

No. OK, text in if you've been on a private jet. Text us in on 81215 with your private jet experiences. Have you been on a private jet, Steve? I've never. I've watched Con Air. I don't know if that counts. Can I just say, there's some breaking news here.

Sandy Waugh is pointing to herself and saying, I have. Wow. Sandy, we'll talk later. We'll compare notes. It's nice that you found common ground on Absolute Radio. Wow. Sandy, we'll talk later. We'll compare notes. It's nice that you found common ground on Absolute Radio. Yes. A lot of common ground in this studio. That would be a good texting, though.

Texting if you've been on a private jet and tell us why. Yeah, tell us what it was like and tell us who it was with. I won't tell you that second bit, but I will. That's a texting that really is for the people, isn't it? Exactly. It's just frank texting. As we're on the subject of the people and we're keeping it real i'm going to tell you about a premiere i went to this week wow um i say premiere it was 9 a.m on

a sunday morning that's a bit of a rubbish time isn't it this it was the celeb turnout let's just say it was a little bit wincy willis and the white power ranger so it was still that was the sort of it was still an official premiere though it wasn't just the first screening are you questioning my credentials i would never dream of doing such a thing it was a an official premiere, though. It wasn't just the first screening. Are you questioning my credentials? I would never dream of doing such a thing. It was a screening slash premiere, but it was a bit White Power Ranger. So I went to the Lego movie, because my niece Bertie is a...

It was her first film, and I wanted her to have her first cinematic experience. And I thought, may as well do it at a premiere. Was it a red carpet event? Her first trip to the cinema was a red carpet. It was a red carpet. And when I got in the cab, I taught her may as well do it at the premiere. Was it a red carpet event? Her first trip to the cinema was a red carpet event. It was a red carpet. Wow. And when I got in the cab, I taught her premiere as well.

So she was saying, we're going premiere. And the cab driver gave me judgmental looks. I was sort of Katie Pry's mother. But we went out, we got to the red carpet and you know, there were these poor out-of-work actors in those big foam suits dressed as the Lego characters. I've been that guy. Have you been Lego characters. I've been that guy. Have you been that guy?

I've been that guy. I can't bear it. The pathos is too much. There was one character called, I think he's called Emmett, and the other is called Wildstyle. But these details were lost on Bertie, and she was just going, man, lady. That's awful, isn't it, after you've got dressed up.

So, actually, when I first went to pick her up, I had a terrible moment because she was a bit funny with me. She was a bit awkward and her eyes narrowed a bit and she said, I don't want to go with you, which was a bit embarrassing in front of my brother-in-law. And I think being rejected by a child is worse than being rejected by a man, I would say. I do.

Yeah. It reminded me, I remember once when i was at an award ceremony and the boy band five were there and they all checked me out this was a while ago but they all checked me out and then one of them went actually no no actually no that's my richard curtis film actually no that's awful can you remember which one of five it was? No, but I think we need to find out, don't we? Yeah I just hope it wasn't abs Because I've always had a soft spot for him

Google images Okay, can you Google him please? If he hasn't got hair anymore, I don't want to know The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 On Absolute Radio Just to give you a little insight into what goes on in mid-link here on Absolute Radio, Alan has taken his shoes off, he's got socks on, he's put his belt on driver's setting, is that right?

The belt has been loosened a notch, yeah. And he leaned back in his chair in a very loose way and said, who's going to get the Fulham job then? That is the kind of conversation we have. Well, I thought that was alright. Who is going to get the Fulham job, Steve? I don't know if it's Magat or Magath.

Okay, that's enough on that subject. Let's go back to the premiere. We were talking about the Lego film. I want to know about it, but not with any spoilers because I'm going to go and see it with Cockerell Jr. Oh, are you? He's worked up enough good marks on the blackboards that his treat is to go and see the Lego film. I hope he enjoys it.

So do tell us, but no spoilers. Well, I think Bertie might have been... We had 3D glasses, and a three-year-old looks very old in dark glasses. She looked like a mini-pops Roy Orbison. They're irritating, even for the adult viewers. So I imagine a three-year-old being quite frustrated and annoyed at having something on her face.

Hers, well, she's going to have to get used to it with make-up, but her glasses fell off and, oh, my glasses! So I had to go and retrieve them. I knocked over the popcorn of the little girl next to me. Oh, no way. That would have looked malicious as well. She started whining. Just a bully.

She was seven rows away. It was just an opportunity. Chuck your weight around, yeah? She started whining slightly. I said, I've got money, it's fine. Your answer to everybody whining. Every man I've ever been out with. So, yeah, so I think she was,

there was one point when there was, again, no spoiler alerts, but one of the character, the female character says, you know, you're the special one, you've been chosen. And there's a big silence and then Bertie says, I want to go home. Oh. I was like, me and Shaquille O'Neal, so tell them. She's not interested in the romantic stories. No.

I want to go home. What is this, Mills and Boone? She's not interested in the romantic stories. No. I want to go home. What is this, Mills and Boone? Yeah, she didn't like that. She didn't like the romance. I do like the idea of the Lego film. Do you think there was a point when they were thinking of storyboarding it and one of them said, oh, we could put this scene in and the other went, that won't fit.

Well, it will if we put three of those little circles on the top. It'll be all right. I like to think the Lego film is essentially the junior version of the Transformers film. Is it? It's not, but that's how I'm picturing it. I believe everything. Is there a new Transformers film coming out as well?

You know I still haven't seen Kez. Everyone expects me to have seen films, but I haven't. And that's why Alan gets very upset about spoiler alerts. You can't reveal the plot of a film from 1963. It was spoiler alert. The thing is, Keres is probably, you know, a feel-good film for you. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, exactly. I imagine, I don't know. But I do, no, I recommend it if you have young ones. Yeah? Because it's from the same people who did 21 Jump Street, which is an extremely good comedy. Oh, yeah, I've seen that recently. It's great. That is fun. So I have faith in them an extremely good comedy. Oh, yeah, I've seen that recently. It's great.

That is fun. So I have faith in them. Oh, good. Well, that's enough to recommend it. If you're a child, I thoroughly recommend it. If you're an adult, go and see a film suitable for you. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean. Deal with it. We've been talking about the Lego movie, and I was saying it was my niece Bertie's first ever cinema experience, which was very exciting. And it made me think of my own first cinema experience, which was Snow White. I wet myself.

No way. I did. I wet myself. Oh way. I did. I wet myself. Oh, you wet yourself? I thought you said you went yourself. Given my parents, that's not completely out of the realms of possibility. That's why I went, no way, thinking you were going to go, yeah, actually, here's what happens. Let's say I messed myself. Let's be polite about it. It was awful. No, that sounds worse. If you say say you missed yourself it sounds like you're

making a differentiation from wetting yourself and then i saw um gone with the wind when i was about five my dad took me and started lecturing me about the american civil war wow and gone with the wind it's about four hours long as well it's yes he shouted at me because i fell asleep you have to concentrate in life wow Wow. How about you two? Do you remember your first movie? I'm not certain if it was my first movie, but I've been thinking about this, and I think it's Condorman with Michael Crawford.

I'm so relieved you said that. That sounded like it was going to go to a very dark place. Well, it is, because we came back from watching Condorman. Who's in that? Michael Crawford? Yeah It's basically It's basically a Frank Spencer movie but with him as a superhero Condor Man. You know what? Condor Man

You're both looking at me really puzzled. Hang on I've never heard of it. I'm slightly worried that this was some weird dark play that was just. I'm worried now that I dreamt this whole episode. But worse than that was it's quite a light movie and i came back and uh found my goldfish one which is i beg your pardon that was my goldfish's name one w-u-m one is everything in yorkshire have to be a three-letter name i was in scotland at the time but apparently it was called one because i couldn't pronounce william

so they just called it one i think they tried to call the goldfish William. I'm not sure of the story. I'll ask my mum and tell you next week. Yeah, we came back and One was dead. Oh, no. For me, the Michael Crawford film Condorman and a dead goldfish are always connected. Who would have thought talking about first movies would take us down such a dark, frightening corridor?

It's not a dark... The dead goldfish cul-de-sac. Condorman is not a dark film. We'll get people texting saying... Condorman, I suspect, is not even a film. Because I've never heard of it. Michael Crawford. Barry Norman.

When you first said it, I heard condiment. So I just thought the first film you went to see was some salt and pepper. I heard something slightly more alarming. Well, can you... This is extraordinary. Did he... Where's his character?

Did he do the Frank Spencer voice? No, I don't think so. Oh, OK. He probably did an approximation of it. Oh, I've come to save the world. I think there's a pratfall. I think there's pratfalls involved. The world's in a little bit of trouble.

I think he had a jetpack. Well, they've always got a jetpack. That's no boast. It's brilliant. Does he save the day by holding on to the back of a double-decker on roller skates at some point? I imagine so, yeah. But I can't really remember because my memory is tarnished by the death of my goldfish straight after it. Are you sure you weren't watching an episode of Some Mothers Do Have Them

and then just looked outside and saw a bird on a tree? Text in, 8-12-15, does the film Condorman exist? Yeah, do text in. I think we know the answer to that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a

staggering response to the Condorman issue. Have we? It turns out, the text in the week that the people have chosen, if anything, is does the film Condorman really exist or have I made it up? Can you please not mispronounce it because it's making me very tense. It's quite important that I say it right, isn't it? We should explain, if someone's just tuned in and has had a line,

that you'd said this, we were talking about first movies we'd seen and Condorman was apparently your first movie, Alan Cochran. I came back in the goldfish, one was dead. One W-U-M. And so, yeah, that's my memories, Condorman. And I said it was Michael Crawford as a sort of version of Frank Spencer. And then you both doubted it. We did, Steve, didn't we?

We did. And then the next text was, hi, gang, Condorman was Gene Wilder with an exclamation mark. And I immediately panicked and worried myself. But since then we've had lots of people saying it was Michael Crawford. It's definitely a film. Michael Crawford's sidekick in the film is also the dad from Teen Wolf. I remember him having a bright yellow Condorman car.

A lot of people talking about the car. My favourite text, Condorman. How many have we had of this text? About 400,000. Condorman, it was a film and the car toured the country. It came to Dewsbury where I was in the local paper pictured alongside it. And then he adds, Lee from Dewsbury. I love the sound of Lee.

I love the sound of Dewsbury. Well, that's very exciting. I'm so sorry that we doubted you, Cockrell. There are staggering numbers of texts. Eddie P has tweeted a photo to us of Condorman. That's time well spent, Eddie P. It looks like Liberace crossed with a butterfly. It's a really amazing costume.

And to the many people that have texted and emailed saying, Google it or look on IMDB, we don't. We have you for that. That's your hour search engine. Well, the touchy 998 has texted just to say RIP1. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's so nice. Gone but not forgotten. It's quite a long time ago. Get over it.

Steve Hall, what was your first movie? Now, knowing you, I reckon, what do you think, Cockrell? It's got to be sci-fi based. Donkey Punch. Hard Candy. Something really harrowing something awful no it's geeky it would have been a close encounter type thing it was uh what was it for a long time i i the first one i i attended as a as a sentient ish being was as a centaur

kicked out all the time as mr Tumnus it never really worked out I was ET I went well I thought it was ET until very recently I was chatting to my mum and she said well technically the first film that I went to see when I was in my mum's tummy oh about two weeks before I was born

was apparently Emmanuel wow my mum and dad went to see it's the ideal date for an eight and a half month old eight and a halfold pregnant lady. But my dad insists he didn't know, because they were taking their French friend, Ros. And they thought, oh, we'll take her to see a nice French film. Can I just say, I don't like the sound of their relationship with the French friend, Ros.

That's all I'm saying. A couple taking their French friend, Ros. What's effectively a soft porn movie. But they did not know that. Frank will be very disappointed. If you're listening at home, Frank, I know you're a big fan of Emmanuel and all in it. He is.

Well, and I'd like to think it maybe shapes me to the Lothario that I am now. Yes. The filthy creep I am is now explained. You are the original filthy creep. It's either Emmanuel or E.T. That's a choice I make most nights with a date. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. You can text us in on 8 FM. Absolute Radio. You can text us in on 8.12.15 this morning. We should say, actually, I'd be quite interested to know, just me, not the boys, what your first film was.

And keep it clean. Well, we have actually received some text messages based on some of the other strands that were already spinning today. Lovely. Very nice to hear Steve Hall's dulcet tones. I have a question. How many Valentine's cards did you all send and receive i should imagine emily's hands are cramped from repeated envelope opening i got one card from my husband but so desperately wanted one from a secret admirer

that's from jules 820 oh well jules um i've had a few. And what about Valentine's Day? Well, what happens when you work in the fashion industry is that PRs... Let's bond. Let's bond with the people. What they tend to do... You still haven't texted in your private jet experiences, 8, 12, 15? Well, you say that. They have. Oh, OK. I was coming to that. Still got Sandy Wars.

Yes. She's not told anyone about that. She's saving that for autobiography. Indeed. Now, your Valentines. OK, my Valentines. So people tend to send you flowers, so you get all excited, and the man comes up and goes,

Flowers for Emily, and everyone turns around. Nice. And then it's just from Lucy at L'Oreal or whatever. It's very depressing. Hashtag first world problem here. I said to one of the girls who works with me, I said, oh, did you get a nice present from your boyfriend today on Valentine's Day? She went, he gave me a paracetamol.

Nice. Which I thought was very romantic. Oh, is this one of those jokes? Is he going to do a joke of like, oh, so you definitely haven't got a headache, right? Is that what he's up to? No, but well done for doing that, James. Have we got time to head into Email Corner, do you think? Yeah, let's do that.

It wouldn't be right if we didn't play the jingle. Email Corner I went for a slightly Mancunian harmony there. There was a very... You did Email Corner. Shades of Marky Smith. Thanks very much. I won't have you drowning out Frank's little Birmingham voice, though.

I'll try not to next time. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm a long-term reader of the show and I've always wanted to email but could never think of what to write until now. While driving home a few days ago, I found myself having an argument with an imaginary police officer that had pulled me over because I had my fog lights on when it was only slightly foggy.

Bearing in mind this never happened, the imaginary argument then went on for about ten minutes. I find myself doing this quite often. I think of possible scenarios that could happen in the near future, then I play out multiple strategies in my mind to figure out the best way to handle the situation if it comes true. Is this just something I do do or have you ever found yourself doing the same insert praise non-praise here uh kind regards chris from hornsey hornsey

hornsey oh lovely yes i have to say i totally relate to this me too do you absolutely 100 this is a phenomenon can i tell you what i do i i regularly have imaginary arguments and it always results in me saying very triumphantly if they've pulled me over for drink driving I haven't had a drink in over 20 years officer. That isn't true though is it? No, it was last night normally but I still

and I sometimes say I imagine I'm not wearing a seatbelt when I always wear a seatbelt but I like to imagine I'm not wearing one and that the officer pulls me over and I say I'm pregnant in an angry tone of voice. Doesn't that allow you to not wear a suit? I don't think it does either. But I think Chris has summed up my life.

This is how I live my life, this nervous planning. Imagine the arguments. For anything. If it's a debit card transaction for less than £5 for any reason, I find I have to invent the argument to justify it. if it's a cab ride of quite a short distance just in case they might say oh it's only down the road mate i i'm always ready with i'm recovering from a broken leg or something like that any kind of refund or return oh yes you have to have some whole backstory so what sort of thing would you have then you'd have a backstory prepared. Yeah, often trying to blame it on someone else.

I mean, I bought it for my wife. She didn't like it. And, you know, the marriage has been struggling. Do you ever find yourself having an imaginary argument and then just saying one sentence of it out loud? Yeah. Suddenly you're on a train platform and you go, I can speak to trading standards.

I think you'll find Ocean Colour Scene were quite good. I love Ocean Colour Scene. Get the box set. 21, is it? Yeah. It's worth getting. Anyway. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're listening to Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning. You can text us on 81215 and you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

That sounded quite professional, didn't it? It sounded very nice. Like a proper DJ. Like Sarah Kennedy or one of those ones. We don't have to recap on the various text-ins that we've got spinning, do we? We have many plates in the air. What have we got?

We should say there's... Well, I think we've answered fairly fully that Condorman was a film, did exist and it was Michael Crawford. We've also got Chris from Hornsby's fake scenarios. Hornsy. Alright, someone's texted

saying Chris from Hornsby. Makes him sound like he's a model railway. This I really like. Fake scenarios. I even start to get emotional, proper emotional, be angry or sad or giggly. But my favourite one is when I'm on a quiz show and they ask me all the questions that I know the answer to. I feel awesome then.

That's from Jane. I actually caught myself having an imaginary conversation with a used car salesman in my head. Did you? I've been looking at changing car and uh and i was sort of going well i'm a cash buyer i don't see loads of other buyers knocking on the door right now and your voice dropped eight octaves went a bit wide boy and weird what's become of me in this imagination game we should say frank used to sit on the toilet and regularly

imagine what did he imagine he was a football manager? Yes. I believe that's... Why on the toilet, I don't know. We've also got, have you ever been on a private jet? Which is the less popular of the textings. That's my demographic. But Simon Page has texted, I deliver catering to private jets all the time. I get to go on some amazing planes. I'm on way to Luton to deliver some now.

One plane we cater for even has a dance floor on it Wow I bet he looks good on it Yeah Lovely Apart from when it's coming into land What I found about the private jet Was you can ring ahead with the rider

And mine was Haribos No Yeah, I asked for that And there were trays of them everywhere We need more of these posh Posh sort of claims to fame texting things What's your favourite caviar? To be fair

it's not my lifestyle. I've only done it once. We've also got What Were People's First Film? And Marcus from Newbury said his mum took him to see Far From the Madding Crowd when he was five. He'd been seen as a sheep falling off a cliff and he screamed the cinema down.

And Ian Martin has tweeted to say that his first film was Flash, and he very explicitly says, not Flesh, Flash Gordon. No, Flesh was what your parents took Roz to see in the cinema, their French friend. Your parents took you to see Emmanuel whilst you were in your mother. Gordon from St Albans has said, my mum took me to the 1962 Scottish Cup final while she was eight months pregnant.

I love that woman. I hope she didn't travel from St Albans to the 1962 Scottish Cup final because that would have been a week on the train and eight months pregnant. Oh, awful. I'll tell you what we haven't talked about this morning. We haven't talked about Davina.

Oh, my goodness. What an incredible lady. It's genuinely amazing. Sorry, are we on the one show? No, he was looking at you. He meant what an incredible lady you are. What an incredible lady. The smoothness with which you change subjects on commercial radio.

What an incredible lady you are, Emily. And you said lady, which I can't tolerate. Well, I've fancied Davina since the days of Man O' Man on late night ITV. Call him a filthy creep. That's what the people want. Daisy, we need a filthy creep jingle. Can it just be Steve Hall's voice? The filthy creep jingle sounds like a bell that needs to be attached around my neck

so people know when I'm approaching. A Peter the Wild motif. Yes, anyway, as you were saying what's a terrific lady or something quite 70s yeah what a great great lady terrific lady that i fancied for 20 years what is it about davina that appeals to you um i think she's very beautiful she is beautiful i think she's a genuinely good human being she's really funny really entertaining but you get that sense of she genuinely cares about people this sounds like i'm trying to pitch to her hey davina i know you're recovering from having trekked 500 miles but if you'd like to see a slightly pudgy

37 year old balding man on a more regular basis give us a call we can get up to all manner of grot oh okay that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio Back Saturday morning from 8 Tune in live for the full Frank experience Absolute Radio What's happening boys? What's up darling?

I've got another missive from the outside world Oh And I think you'll like it on several levels Not least because it's factually incorrect. The title is blue, but he's talking about you being hit on by five. Oh, good, I thought that might have been the second movie that Steve has taken to his parents in the private cinema.

It's a Derek Jarman classic. With roles that you're strange friends. Just to give a slight recap, you told a story earlier about one of the group five looking at you and saying, no. Oh, actually all five of them. Oh, actually no. That was my Richard Curtis film, yeah, actually no. Actually no.

Email titled, Blue, hi Emily, I'm sure the boy band Blue don't know what they were missing, let's be honest, even combined they're not a bright bunch. Stuart Kidd, and then his full mobile phone number, which is commendable. Stuart, let's talk. Let's keep talking. We've also had on the subject of the... It's nice that the private jet thread is remaining popular. You see, I'm a woman of the people. Kat from Bromsgrove. This is a wonderful story.

My mum once told me that I went on a private jet. I didn't. However, it's created the most marvellous false memory. I love that mother. I love pathological liar mothers. That's actually how I'm bringing my children up. They think they've got an amazing life.

Do you know, my parents often tell us that we did things and I doubt them now. My mother would say, oh, Barbados. We went there. Yes, we went there. No photographs. Really? Really?

You were in Pontins? In the rain? Pothwelly. Pothwelly, I believe it's called. Pothwelly. Have you heard of that? Yes, a place. Oh, OK.

I've heard of Pothwelly, yeah. So what else were we talking about? We were talking about the Boy Band 5. And I did say about the boy band 5 in between links, didn't I? I'm going to admit it. I said they're not even the same species as me. And I'm afraid they're not. I wouldn't date you anyway.

Don't say that looking at me. You mean 5. You need to join my species before I'll date you. Give them another chance. When the lazy days are dying. Double keep on keep on flying. All the bees and birds are flying. Are you alright, Steve? Sorry, I had date you. Give them another chance. When the lazy days are dying, double keep on keep on flying, all the bees and birds are flying.

Are you all right, Steve? Sorry, I had a moment. That was absolutely extraordinary. I think I found that more upsetting than you trying to seduce Davina McCall on air. Well, I like to think they might get 17p and PRS fees from me doing that. Do you know what that reminded me of? That was like when Richard Madeley dressed up as Ali G.

I think that was less damaging to his credibility than what I just did. I think you might be right. We need to talk more about this and we need to talk about Davina. Yes. But in the meantime, I believe Fives people are on the phone to me.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm sitting in for Frank Skinner this morning. Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm sitting in for Frank Skinner this morning.

We miss you and love you, Frank. That was actually sincere. It's no joke. That was lovely. I love the guy. What can I do? He is still doing his stand-up gig tonight. He's just got a sore throat, so he's resting his voice.

We should just say, if you've got tickets, don't not go. No, don't not go, for goodness sake. We've all seen the show, and it's very funny. It's excellent. One thing Frank doesn't like is an empty room he's like me in that respect or praise on the radio sorry about that no no he likes praise let's get this absolutely straight he liked as i said to graham norton he likes praise what he doesn't like is boasting about praise all right you know so self-referential praise if you like love the show don't say love the show

I will say this I'm just really angry with the wind not a quote from Mrs Cochran although it is but we blend pickled onions and that whole episode has been put to bed it's a quote of Davina McCall she got angry at the weather

which is a very British thing I love the slightly Alan Partridge way in which you delivered that story. It was brilliant. I was just really angry with the wind. Yeah. That's what she said, so this was during her endurance feat, wasn't it? 500 miles. So upsetting. Alright, proclaimers. I really think

if you're doing something like that for charity in this extreme weather, like properly an act of God, you should be allowed to just fold your bike up and put it in a taxi like i do with my brompton i do she should have just got like a 500 mile taxi journey i was gonna say it's not fair because that this thing we should say so it was cycling swimming and running this is correct yeah and it was uh edinburgh to london yeah she's been very candid about it she said i've been to some very dark places. I don't think

she should describe the north of England like that. I think there's some really lovely spots. But it's a staggering achievement in the footage of her. Listen to Steve! Honestly! Alright. I'm currently on crutches from a very tiny football injury.

You know what? I noticed the crutches this morning. I thought it might be an accessory. It looked a bit Karl Lagerfeld. Autumn, winter 14, so I didn't know what to say. Well, I have five steps that I have to go up to exit my flat. Don't mention five. Don't mention five. Don't mention five.

Or steps. Actually, nah. Actually, nah. And I had to go up five five steps and it was a bit rainy and my leg was hurting so much I genuinely started to cry oh no earlier this week

is that is that rheumatism then it's er well if it's raining it's just really soft it's just a soft it's just being a pathetic human being

it's just soft I thought I thought there'd be a really glamorous story behind that injury well it was a football injury. It was comedian's football. OK.

How did you hurt yourself watching it? So I've looked up. Who were you playing with, Johnny Vegas? I've looked up. I've seen the space. Yes. I'm trying to use the football as tennis. Oh, good boy.

I've run through on a beautiful through ball from Rob Beckett. Lovely comedian. Massive face. Yeah. And I've seen Russell Howard in the space. I've looked to put him through. I felt someone kick me from behind. Looked over my shoulder.

Nobody there. Oh, no. Hamstring popped. Calf tear. Achilles. I thought it was Achilles heel. I was worried. My Achilles is very much my Achilles heel.

That's quite glamorous. That's quite David Beckham, that, isn't it? It was exactly like Beckham. If anything, it was a bit more classy than when Beckham did his Achilles. So Davina, can I just say, she was joined on this jaunt by various celebrities along the way, wasn't she? Yeah, Grimmie. Oh, was he there?

Mel Gavroich. And there were some celebrities, yeah. There's a fantastic caption in one of the papers where it had her crying her most you know bountiful tears and the caption underneath read uh she was joined on the run by chris moyles can we talk about his thinness never mind six weeks to omg six weeks to mortificado you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were talking about Davina's.

Quite impressive achievement, I have to say. Yes. But I also wanted to talk a little bit about Chris Moyles. What go on with Chris Moyles and the weight loss? It's too much. What's happened? Well, I'll tell you what's happened. What he's done, he's dieted.

He's done six weeks to OMG or some such. And what he hasn't factored in is the size of the head. Oh, yeah. It's all gone a bit TFI Friday. You know how Frank says Ryan Giggs has the look of a slightly haunted, deposed Middle Eastern dictator? Because of the thinness. Yeah. I think Chris Moyles is one of those. Oh, really really i can see him in sort of military ensemble looking slightly haunted um that must be quite a weird

thing if you if you back it must be a really brilliant thing to lose all that weight you must work so hard thank you very much then discover that you look worse than you did thank you not so much no you're right it's. It's unfortunate. But the good thing is, look, he can just start eating ginsters again and everything will be fine. Yeah. It's a bit of a result. I thought it was great that she did it. And I share her pain about being upset at the weather.

I think it's, I suppose it is quite British. My wife and I frequently have a little bonding conversation where we discuss how much we hate the low winter sun. Do you ever drive into the low winter sun and go, why is this, why is it so low in the winter? It's really annoying. It hides all summer and then it turns up in winter to torment you. I sometimes do that when I'm driving down the road

and I can't see, I can't see, I can't see anything. Curse the low winter sun. I like the fact that the things about the weather that annoy you sound like a Philip Larkin poem. Thank you. Why the curse the low winter sun? What on earth was that noise? That is the low winter sun.

It's just phoned in. The low winter sun says it hates you too, Alan. Turns out that we've got a Philip Larkin alarm as well as an A Houseman alarm. That's from a friend of mine who's just texted me. Philip Larkin alarm as well as an A.E. Houseman alarm. That's from a friend of mine who's just texted me. Philip Larkin? It's my friend Kitty. You can't read it out. It'll be full of swearing if it's Larkin.

I can't read it out. I'm afraid it's very X-rated. I haven't told you about my relationship with my friend Kitty. She always has to get a little word in, has to steal the attention from me. Has everyone turned their phones off, by the way? Can we check? Well, evidently not everyone. I'm sorry, and I'd like to apologise. Frank will be listening at home, he'll be very upset. But can I just say, at least I have a very pretty, elegant-sounding text alert,

rather than the clown car horn, which he seems to favour. It's a good thing it wasn't the crazy frog or something like that. No, or the other one I used to have, which Frank used to call Cliff Richard's car alarm, because it sounded slightly religious, bells like um yeah no i was i know what you mean about the the sort of forces of nature i sometimes get that i've cried at the wind before me too but that's the pickled but it contributes nothing to society wind yeah i mean i can see how rain you know it's it assists the environment. Yeah.

It's all part of God's great plan. What does wind do? All it does is mess up your hair and reveal your panties. You basically sounded like a UKIP of nature. I mean, the wind, it comes over here. What does it do? It doesn't do anything. It's lazy.

It's taking away. It's taking stuff away. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Mr Cockrell. Yes. That's my slightly creepy name for you.

Yeah, I think I prefer the cock sporty. Frank Skinner's not the only one on tour at the moment, is he? Well, I'm not on tour, but I am doing comedy clubs. Okay. I'm sort of developing some new stand-up. Lovely. I've to take in a little sabbatical for my acting career, don't you know? Have you seen him since the acting career?

He's a very different character these days. He's changed. Aren't I? Aren't I? I mean, the cravat's a bit too much, but... The spats are nice. Yes, aren't they? He starts to say things like,

it's a lovely little theatre, actually. Yeah, although that's not the... they're not the gigs I'm doing. What I've been doing is when comedy club promoters email or text me saying, do you want a gig? I've now been saying yes instead of thinking, no, I'd rather stay in my house watching Netflix. So I've done a couple of gigs this week that really should not have worked. There are certain rules to gigs. Okay, what are they? Usually there's a tipping point in terms of the number of seats compared to the number of audience.

And in an ideal world, you want about 50% or more of people to seats. But yeah, I did a gig the other night in Leeds and there was something like 40 people in. Could have comfortably put 200 or three hundred in there. Okay. Brilliant fun. Really enjoyable gig. Don't ask me why, just was. And I did another one, much smaller room, it was in a pub and this is...

You lost me at pub. Steve will know this. There are occasionally gigs where someone goes, oh, rather than have a function room, what we're going to do is that corner of the pub there, we're just going to put a black curtain up. No. And people will walk through it and that will be the section of the gig. That'll be the goth section.

So there's people on the other side of the curtain that can hear every word of the show but have paid nothing and have got no obligation to not talk loudly. Can I ask a question now? The gig went really well, it worked, but had 20 people that had just been playing Five Aside come for a pint, it would have been ruined immediately because you wouldn't have been able

to hear it, like there would have been too much talking on the other side. And I did point out that it was working because it was in Manchester, had it been in Yorkshire, all of the audience would have been on the other side of the curtain, listening to the show, going, well I can get it for free over here, I don't need to see it. Can I you a question yes you may can we just be a bit forensic about the fabric of the curtain things like this matter to me i mean i thought leopard print was too much

no i'm assuming black it was just a plain black curtain like you would find there's no such thing as plain black curtain was it can i ask a question there is. Please don't say there was gaffer tape holding it up. No, I think it was railed. Was there a bit hanging down? Oh, yeah. It was all hanging down with a curtain. What do you think it was for? No, but like a bit had come loose.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And the mic didn't work. There was all sorts of stuff. Emily doesn't care about that. This is the difference between comedians. Yeah, exactly. People go, how did the room play? What were the crowd like? Tell me about the exact fabric. This is the difference between comedians. Yeah, exactly. People go, how did the room play? What were the crowd like?

Tell me about the exact fabric. What were the curtain rings like? Ideal in textiles. It was really enjoyable, though. And one of the things, I mean, behind the curtain is a phrase, isn't it? For what people say, oh, I've given you a glimpse behind the curtain because you get to see the mechanics of the show. But this, if you went behind the curtain, you saw the show.

There was no behind the curtain. The gig was behind the curtain. Do you know what I mean? You should be went behind the curtain, you saw the show. There was no behind the curtain. The gig was behind the curtain. Do you know what I mean? You should be grateful for the curtain. I've done a gig once in a holiday inn in Amesbury, and it was in the bar of a hotel. And there was just, the only thing that delineated the space between the people who were having a drink in the bar and the gig

was one chair. No. Was this gig ran by a philosopher? Can I make this one chair signify the difference between the payers and the non-payers? Reminds me of the Rolling Stones

in Hyde Park. Exactly the same thing. Oh yeah. Us inside and then the tight-fisted people in Hyde Park. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Alan, what's wrong with you? It's too hot in here. It's boiling. I know we like to do this bit off air, but it's roasting. It's getting hot in here.

No, I'm keeping all my clothes on. Can I just say, I've been learning from the jockeys that this is the thing to do. You just sweat all the calories off. Could you adjust the heating, please, Steve? I think it's been done. I think it's been done. OK. What were we talking about? We were talking about you doing a gig behind the curtain. Yeah.

Wasn't that a film with Matt Damon? Well, actually, on the subject of films, we were talking about the first films we went to see. Oh, yeah. We've had a text from Cathy from Cleethorpes. Emily, Alan, my mum took me to see Kramer vs. Kramer when I was nine. Anyone know a good child psychologist? Cathy from Cleethorpes, now 43. I think that ship has sailed for child...

Don't they deal with... Don't child psychologists deal with children? And adult psychologists deal with problems that you had when you were a child, isn't that right? Unless she wants to talk to a 10-year-old. Can I say, that can be another text in it. What do child psychologists deal with on 8, 12, 15? We've also got, tell us your private jet experiences. That would be quite a harrowing text.

Yes, it would be. We've had a complaint about the wind. That's one of our other plates of air. My wife texted in. Noodle has texted to say the winter... Oh, he's one of my other plates oh my wife texted in noodle has texted to say the winter one of my regulars hi noodle uh it said the winter elements also gave way to a rising crime the wind stole his hat last week uh emily wouldn't approve but i did give chase along the street in a rather humiliating fashion like chasing a knitted chicken of course that's what it's like see this is what i hate about the wind and I know I've said it contributes nothing to society.

What I hate about the wind is, it's just, I was outside a hotel, and I'm sort of self-editing this story as I tell it, but I was outside a hotel, and the umbrella, you know when it upturns? Oh, yeah. There's nothing worse. Oh, well, I hate the umbrella,

but I hate the upturned umbrella even more. Don't hate the umbrella, hate the game. That's what they're saying. On the subject of nature-stealing hats, I was once out running in a neon yellow... So is this you, Alan Cochran, talking? Me, Alan Cochran, in a neon yellow Dayglo beanie thing. Sarah Harding.

And I ran past a bramble bush and the bramble snatched my hat off and i thought it's got a bit chilly and i had to turn and run back 10 yards to my house i mean i'm a gangly i look like a dork even when my hat isn't stolen by local hedges but those are the bits where if heaven existed that would be in your blooper reel when you get to heaven like your best bits when st peter comes and goes alan who could forget this moment yeah and another one would be about three weeks ago when i left uh after we did this show and i had brunch i then got onto my folding bike and i was cycling to euston and i took a wrong turn so i was cycling up a one-way road the wrong way and so in order to get off that road i too quickly turned, hit a pothole and went over

the handlebars on a folding bike. And I'm gangly. I wish I'd seen that. If you can picture a giant spider falling off a penny farthing, that's what it looked like. I'm going to tell you what's in my blooper reel when I get to heaven. It's me locked outside a country estate naked. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. You're listening to Emily Dean.

I'm sitting in for Frank Skinner this morning. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter. What's our Twitter handle, Cockrawl? At Frank on the Radio. Oh, that was so seamless. I loved it. I've got the Cockerel. I'm not that interested in the Twitter. You hate the Twitter. And we have Steve Hall

in the house. Good morning. We've heard from the outside world. Have we? Yeah. We've had a text just informing you. Yes. I don't know if you remember that you said gaffer tape about the curtain. Yes, I did. We've had a text, please tell Ms. Dean that there is no such thing as gaffer tape. That's a name used by the uninformed Ponzi people.

It's duct tape. Now, 462, you sound like real fun to hang about with. And they are entirely wrong. You are wrong. They are 100% incorrect. They are completely separate types of tape. Yes. Look, I'm going to...

It's an industry thing, 462. The gaffer, I believe it's named after the gaffer in film and TV, isn't it? The lighting technician, I believe so. I thought you were going to say it was named after Bill Maynard, who was the gaffer. It's named after Al Murray, because it's his gaffer. It's the governor tape as well. I believe, I think it's gaffer tape is designed to be cleanly removed.

You can just... Duck tape is not designed to be cleanly removed. Duck tape is designed Duck tape is not designed to be cleanly removed. Duck tape is designed to be thrown at someone who then has to duck. If Frank Skinner was playing Mowgli, let's say, and he needed it to do the nappy things up, then it would be a nice clean break when he took the nappies off.

Nice. Well, it is a nice clean break. That is a beautiful tableau you've painted. A little bit of nappy free time is lovely, isn't it? I know I enjoy it. I think it's time we went over to email corner. So, I can't find the jingle, so you know what I'm going to go for? Just do an email corner.

Nice. I love that. Shut up. Shut up. That sounds like your text, your phone is getting another text. We've had an email from Lee. Yes. Who says, ahoy there, Frank and team.

I hope this email finds you well. I was watching the TV channel Challenge today at lunchtime and Blankety Blank was on, hosted by a young, well, middle-aged Terry Wogan. It struck me what a good programme this would be to be brought back with Frank as the host. Lovely. You won't find it hard to believe that even to be

watching an old episode of Blankety Blank that I had some time to waste, so I went on to put some meat on the bones of the idea. I like the sound of phrase here. I do. It's very Heston Blumenthal of him. I said it would be a good chance to have Emily and Alan on as semi-regular celebrity guests. Emily as a modern-day Lorraine Chase or Faith Brown.

Thanks very much. And the cockerel as this generation's Barry Cryer. I'm not sure he does quite so many wind-based jokes. Yes. Should he start a campaign? I'd be delighted to be filling Barry Cryer's shoes. He's a legend, isn't he? He's great.

I've got him on the list for people I'm going to interview on Absolute Legend when I take over that station. Have you ever done Just A Minute with him? I haven't, no, I don't think he does Just A Minute. He might. Steve's going to start talking about Dick Fiddy. Is he? Don't you say a word against Dick Fiddy.

I think Frank would actually be excellent hosting that Can you imagine him singing Super match game, super match game And also, surely Blankety Blank Nowadays would have an actual added frisson Because all the blanks would seem like swear words Wouldn't they? Or is that what they did anyway?

Pretty much The thing is Blankety Frank But Blankety Frank would imply Because he's getting on a bit, he just needs something to keep himself warm. I can't believe this has been said on Absolute Radio. These are shocking scenes today from Absolute Radio. What about just Frankety Frank?

I'd watch that. Oh, yeah. There's definitely catchphrases to be got there, isn't there? When we go on, Frankety Frank, I might create a bit of a character and have a catchphrase. If anyone has any ideas, they can text in on 8-12-15. I'll dye my hair red and have comedy glasses.

What about the catchphrase, I came here on a private jet, you know? That would work. No, it might be something a bit more crowd-pleasing like, shouldn't but would. Shouldn't but would. I'm just pointing at somebody. I'll just say it repeatedly the entire show and I might end up becoming

one of the most hated women in Britain We need to talk briefly about my arch nemesis Gary Barlow, remember he stole a part from me in Miranda Did you know about this Steve? I have. Although it turned out he didn't. It was somebody else. But you know for the sake of a bit of fun because I'm a real ray

of sunshine I'll keep the game going. I like Gary because he's had food issues. He's one cupcake away from a popping button I always think. He's bought his wife a black cab, a taxi. Oh, happy Valentine's.

Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? You shouldn't have. No, really, you shouldn't have. Do you think he's going to send her out to work? Is that what he's up to? Have the sales of the album not been that spectacular? Imagine he's quite careful with the coffers. I've got a fallback plan. Things aren't doing so well, Don.

You're going to have to go and earn some pennies. Start bringing the bacon home. Is it a legitimate way to just have loads of receipts that he can claim back against tax? Wow, Gary's got a lot of taxes this year. That's actually not a bad idea. Thank you for that, Steve Hall in the house. Not a bad idea.

I like the idea. And if the Inland Revenue are listening, you do pretty well out of me, so don't complain. You tell them. He's not the only... You see, there is a little club called Celebrity Black Cab Drivers, because there's Dawn Barlow. Dawn Barlow, yeah.

I can't tell who will name that. It said in the paper that the black cab is between 25 and 40 grand. He could have got an actual car for that. A better one. Well, there's Stephen Fry. Can you imagine if you got into his cab? I'd walk. I'd rather go shanks his pony than Fry.

Can you imagine? Old Kent Road, please, mate. Ah, Kent, the Garden of England. He wouldn't shut up. Didn't the Duke of Edinburgh have one as well? Yeah, apparently so. Yeah, and the good thing about that is that he'd expressed the same views on immigration as most cabbies. It'd be quite nice if you met a celebrity driving their cab, because you can then go, you never guess who I had in the front of my cab.

I'd like to be a black cab driver, then I could say, you'll never guess who I had in the back of my cab, and it would take on a totally different meaning. Is it that so they can drive in the taxi lanes? No, I don't think it is. I think it's just that they like the shape of it. Apparently they're quite good fun to drive and you can fit loads of people in the back, so why not? That's what I say. I know Kate Moss has got one. Yeah. Can you imagine if you got in Kate Moss' cab?

I hope you don't mind, but I've just got to pick up this guy Spider on the way. I met him in a B3. He's really nice. I like him. A lot of my audiences think I should get a black cab. I hear taxi for the comedian. I hear that a great deal. Through the curtain. Hey, I'll tell you what I like the idea of, guys. Never mind a black cab.

What about a London bus? Me and a bus. Oh, a bus would be great. Me on my own, just in the bus. Yeah. I'd play some music, thong song or something, windows down. I'd take great pleasure in pulling up to the bus stop, and then I'd see all their expectant faces,

and then I'd just leave scorched earth. You could remake Summer Holiday. You in the Cliff Richard role. You can buy an ambulance on eBay. I've had a look. Sometimes I drink and the rest of the family are asleep upstairs and I just catch myself surfing the internet. That's a dodgy bid on eBay, that.

I'd love to see Prince Philip in a cab, though. Do you reckon he'd be a good driver? I think he might drive like a lunatic. He drove the old horse and trapeze to drive that pretty well. I think he'd veer to the right, put it that way. I think he'd be very, get out of my way, poor people.

Kind of warmingmington. Absolute Riding Out. Steve Hall in the house. I believe you have some news for us. Indeed. It's been a few months since I've last been on the show, and my exciting news, it's quite, obviously, it's quite weird being happy and optimistic about a thing. Ordinary, I don't have to be cynical and just talk about Dick Fiddy. But my wife and I are having our first baby. Oh, Steve. And I have successfully impregnated my good lady wife. Okay.

Oh. I'm really glad you put that on because I think he was about to be awful. Steve, tell us about it. Well, it's great. Nicely. Tell us nicely about this. Our first release is due out June the 12th.

Do you think this is how Simon Cowell told people? I'm very excited. June the 12th the opening day of the World Cup so we're giving some thoughts we don't know if it's a boy or a girl

we're electing not to know okay it is definitely a boy or a girl it's not a member of five another species I don't want it to be born and then look at it

and go actually nah we're tempted to name it's first day of the World Cup is when it's due out so we're tempted to name it after the first scorer it's Brazil-Croat Cup is when it's due out, so we're tempted to name it after the first scorer. Oh.

It's Brazil-Croatia, I think, is the first game. So, Neymar Hall. Or Jules Rimet. Just go for a... Do you know, that's a lovely name, Jules Rimet. Jules Rimet Hall. That'd be all right, wouldn't it? I'd definitely date someone called that.

Male or female. I'm not fussy. I've heard. Congrats, you're well done, though. That's lovely news. It's pretty overwhelming it's uh it's an i'm interested by by people's experiences i don't know if you're meant to be as terrified as i am i don't well i forgot to have children as you may or may not be

aware i did not it made me feel like a hunter-gatherer briefly is that is that something that's happened to you have you thought i'm gonna yeah yeah there is that sense of i must learn to do the basics of life yeah yeah yeah so what have you been doing in preparation so much well we're doing my wife's big into yoga and mindfulness there's a mindfulness my wife's big into yoga yeah she's bang up for it yoga but she had to do she's been doing this baby yoga thing uh i don't like the sound of that they get you to imagine that you are the baby and you have to sort of...

I won't go into overly graphic detail, but they imagine that you are the baby pushing against the bits that you have to push against to get in. The escape hatch. What's the escape hatch? The escape hatch, indeed. And you have to imagine... It's not the escape hatch, yeah?

It's a trap door. It's on a roof. So you create the escape hatch with your hands and then you put the top hatch with your hands and then you put the top of your head against it and you imagine

you're the baby emerging I think I'd rather talk about Dick Fiddy Steve to be honest can't they just do a sun salutation and go home

can't they just go and buy Peruvian skull it's one of the strangest everyone's laughing and the yoga instructor is getting annoyed

because everyone is realising because you look like some weird pans people tribute dance group and then part of the mindfulness thing is getting annoyed because everyone is realising it's just... Because you look like some weird Pans People tribute dance group. And then part of the mindfulness thing is they try and tell you during labour, you think about things as they are, you try and stay in the moment, and that helps you chill out.

So one of the things they think about is the fact that the pain, this is what they tell you, the pain during childbirth lasts a combined total of only 12 minutes that's not that's the amount of pain really um but uh and i've said that that's like dating a member of five but every woman i've spoken to has given birth has laughed their backside off when you go oh yeah only 12 minutes of pain yeah good luck with that yeah you've given birth what do you say to that 24 hours of pain we once interviewed a doula uh who's like a sort of a female helper for the the birthing mother um and uh and she said oh uh through good breathing i find that you can have a

pain-free birth and at that point we opened the door and said yeah okay you're done next interview see i think i was quite a good female birthing helper. When my sister gave birth, I walked into the labour ward, and I said, do you like my new shoes? That's honestly what I said. What people need is a distraction. It was a distraction. She went, great shoes.

Some Jimmy Choo's are the way to do that. And then she vomited. Fabulous. Well, can you imagine the punch I would receive if my wife was midway through giving birth, the most painful experience, and I went, come on, love, it's only 12 minutes. Stop crying.

Calm down, dear. Not the first time you've ever said that, Steve. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So at some point, eventually, Steve, you'll get to go to some baby groups, and as a fellow comedian, I think you'll enjoy those. They're effectively a captive audience where people are just slightly highly strong. And it doesn't take an awful lot to storm it.

Really? Yeah, you can just chip in. Do you become friends with all the people then that you go to these groups with? I think most people do. I've also sort of an odd way to select friends, but that's just me. You're having a baby too yeah they become what they call ntsc bodies or ntc bodies what we elected to do was to move 200 miles away from those people different strokes for different folks that's that's how we were rolling um but yeah i mean

some weird questions we're in one and uh and the woman said um has anybody got any questions about the baby and this gentleman put his hand up and said yeah how soon can i shave the baby's head and the woman said charles bronson no it was this guy and she uh like a sort of a right on sort of she went um is that is that a thing that you would want to do for cultural reasons and he said no I'm just wondering just wanted to know

how soon can well I never really got a definitive answer but I thought it was one of the strangest questions I love the sound of that Mitchell Brothers father yeah exactly

well it is remarkable the different human responses you get it's really I was so excited the day the day that we were we knew it was definitely happening. I was so overexcited.

I told the audience on stage in Leicester. Wow. I was so happy. I just went, we've done it. And someone immediately... I hope you then went on to say, we've done it and we're having a baby as a result. Yes, yeah, yeah.

And someone immediately shouted out, it's not yours. Oh. That's what yours. Oh. That's what happens. Welcome to Leicester. If you express honesty to a stand-up comedy audience. That's what I shout to some of the footballers at various games. Someone else also told me,

it's odd the thing, the wisdom people, one old lady after a gig, she just went, you'll never look at poo the same way. I don't know, I don't really know how I looked at poo before. Yeah, well now, yeah. It's absolutely awful. You become more comfortable around it. same way and you're gonna go i don't know i don't really know how i looked at poo before yeah well

now yeah you just become absolutely awful you become more comfortable around it i smell some i'm not comfortable around it i've still got standards well can i tell you that's not true for a start can i tell you what i don't like listeners what the cockerel's done we were talking about extreme weather conditions and we all know the cockerel's got an issue with low winter sun. Am I right? Oh, God, yeah. So what he says, he turns around to Daisy and he suddenly says, sort the blinds. I didn't say sort the blinds. He did.

I said very politely, could you lower the blinds? Well, the blinds have been lowered and it's all gone a bit, you can leave your hat on. That's all I'm saying. It's like the beginning to the worst porn film in the world. Oh, my goodness. I don't like it. Well, Steve, this is very exciting news,

and we're very happy for you. Thank you very much. It's pretty cool. Looking forward to the birth of Eric. Eric Hall is the late, great departed agent. Are you allowed to discuss any potential names, or not at this stage in the game? We've been talking names.

Because we wanted to call it Frank. my wife's granddad was called frank um but her twin brother her twin brother has uh just beaten so he had his his first child a few months ago and they've uh yeah they've named it frank after their granddad to the name and also you i think it's worth not telling people before the child is born because then if people go oh they put you off and then yeah really like it. So you're back to square one. Everyone knew a horrible Harriet. You know, it's that thing, isn't it?

They did. Yeah, I did. It's also with the surname Hall, there are certain names just to obviously... Yeah, Harriet Hall. You don't want HH, do you? They can sound like a hospice. Like Harriet Hall sounds like a palliative care place.

Or Albert Hall, you can't have Jack Hall, Day of the Jack Hall. That's true. I like that. We'll keep us posted on names then. Well, I don't think... We can workshop it over brunch. How about we call it Alan?

Wouldn't that be weird if we called it just Alan? I think you shouldn't call it Frank. That's a bad idea. Well, particularly because Frank Hall, there's the horse Frankel. So you can't really call it... Named after a popular horse. Frankel. Yes, I'm familiar with that.

I believe we're going to sashay onto email corner as well now. OK. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I was listening to your podcast from the 25th of January and I couldn't help hearing that one of you seems to have a creaky chair. That's me this week. Oh, yes. Let me just illustrate.

Have you got the creaker? There it is. But the sound effect comes across as that of a turnstile Yes. Let me just illustrate. Have you got the creaker? There it is. But the sound effect comes across as that of a turnstile like you have in the entrance of the baths. You do, I don't. Yeah. Oh, I can hear it. I spent the entire show imagining people coming through with a rolled-up towel.

Maybe Frank would like to add this to his extensive sound effect repertoire. Love the show. I read out the love the show bit. I was so distracted by the sound effect. You mustn't ever read out praise. I like her phrase, entrance Love the show. I read out the love the show bit. I was so distracted by the sound effect. You mustn't ever read out praise. I like her phrase, entrance of the bar. She's writing from 1968. See, I have a sort of Hobson's Choice every Saturday.

I'm not referring to Alan and Steve. But it's do I go for the creaker or do I go for the slider? Again, I'm not referring to Alan and Steve. But I sometimes find, for example, this morning out, I had the slider, didn't I'm not referring to Alan and Steve. But I sometimes find, for example, this morning out, I had the slider, didn't I? Where the cushion slides off. Yes, and I've swapped with you. Actually, the creaker and the slider are the same one, aren't they? What is it with these chairs? It's like some Oxford University interview where they're

trying to psych you out. To be honest, it sounds a lot like my hip clicking anyway, so I'm quite comfortable with this noise. Because I'm aware of your back issues. So when I heard that, I was worried. Oh, it's just Alan's sacroiliac joint playing him up. Sounds like the old curiosity shop in here. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh, you know who I want to talk about? Ray Mears, the survivalist. No. Oh, you know who I want to talk about? Ray Mears, the survivalist. No. Oh, OK. Nancy DiLoglio. Oh? Do you know what I love about Nancy?

Everything. Everything. That was going to be my guess, I've got to be honest. Now, she often gets a mention on the show. Yeah. I don't think, I don't know if I can call her a friend of the show, because really that's Frank's call. I think she's at least friends with benefits of the show isn't she she's almost friend of the show she's well known for her work um let's say in the football community and she's now

decided uh she'd like to try her hand at commentating yeah what do we think about this i believe her exact words were i want to to be commentator, but not about technique. Yes. Yeah. And in that accent. In that accent entirely. It's like she walked into the room and took over hosting the show. I was looking and seeing Nancy DiLoglio.

I mean, if Robbie Savage can do it, why not her? Well, this is true. I love it. I love... She said in the interview that she's done, she said that she would discuss other things too, and other things is an inverted comma. Is it just me, or is that a threat to the football community,

that she's going to commentate and gossip simultaneously? Which I think would be fun, like, when she's watching and playing, oh, yeah, he slept with the captain's wife. Sort of what I do, to be honest. I also love the fact that she said she can't go to England, she can't watch England's first game in the World Cup because she's going to a wedding. I love that, if all commentators were like that,

if it was John Watson just going, yeah, I'm here at Tony's stag, it's kicking off a bit, he's had a bit too much to drink. I like the fact that she's saying that just in case there's any broadcasters listening with their Filofax out going, oh, we've got to get Nancy. Hang on a minute. When's the first Oh, she's going to a wedding. I'd love it if Gary Lineker used that as an excuse why he couldn't commentate on an England game.

I'll ask him anyway. Actually, I had a Starbucks with him this week. I was desperate to get that in. Really nice. But it's great because I'm glad that Nancy is still going because I sort of regard her as a kind of... Oh, I don't think she'll be very happy with that, from you. Still going. I regard her as a creature of our recent social history. There are things... I don't know. I regard her in the same capacity as sort of Ballykiss Angel or the blokes from

Hearsay. Okay. Where every now and then they go, oh, them! Yeah, I completely forgot about them. Does this mean that she'll probably end up on The Voice? Yeah, something like that. Oh, no, you see, to me, she's really a vital part of my cultural life. Really? Yeah.

Well, she seemed, from the pictures of her, she seems to have a promising career as Dorian from Birds of a Feather. Oh, Dorian Gray, I thought you were going to say. I tell you what, I'd like to hear her commentating, though. Can you imagine what she'd say? She'd be a bit like when I watch football, though. She would comment on the clothes. Code in technical area

atrocious that's how she taught I think it's good though I think she'd bring a lot to it a couple of my mates from university have become sports commentators and it's quite lovely to see their more than one

two friends of mine there's Steph Guerrero he went to university with Loro he's an excellent rugby commentator in Wales and does a lot of Welsh sport. And there's another fellow called John Harris Bass who's been on Eurosport and does a lot of tennis. I'm not being rude, but they're not famous enough. I'm really sorry, Steve. You are and you are.

But I've just described going for a coffee with Gary Lineker. And you're giving me some Seth Dick Fiddy or whatever his name is on Eurosport. I don't know any sports commentators. Come on. Starbucks with Gary Lineker is my orthobotomy. That sounds like a sequel to an evening with Gary Lineker. A Starbucks with Gary Lineker. Can I say he looked

immaculate as well? Yes. He looks great. I've got nothing bad to say about the man. Did you get papped in Starbucks? No. That would be bad. Much to my chagrin. Absolute, absolute radio radio frank skinner on absolute radio we've had an email did we back in email corner from adam uh who's he said i'm an ltr ftw i like that long time reader first time writer. Or Le Truftwa.

After last week's show, which featured many references. It's a good name for your child. Le Truftwa. Yeah. I love it. Le Truftwa Hall. Awesome. That's settled. The wife will be delighted. It's good because it's not it's neither a girl or a boy, so that name will just work. You don't need a choice. It's lovely and generic. He said it was actually from

two weeks ago, I think, he said, the show featured many references to friends of the show. I mean, he was left puzzled because he cannot for the life of me remember if Armin Meivers is officially a friend of the show or not.

And as per Frank's rules, he's unable to Google what Ecosia said. Ecosia. Ecosia, sorry, I always say that wrong. That's like Alan's Descartes. Yeah.

I think, what was worse, Alan saying Descartes or you saying Escocia, whatever you say. Ecosia, that's I always say that wrong. That's like Alan's Descartes. I think, what was worse, Alan saying Descartes or you saying Escocia, whatever you say? Ecosia, that's it. Don't get me started with corrections. But it's his belief that the number of references to Armin warrants being a friend of the show and if he's not been given this recognition or honour,

there could be a Twitter backlash against the show. Please enlighten me. So should Armin Mivers, who is Alan, how would you describe him? He's a German cannibal. Yeah. I'm going for it. Oh, no.

That's got more grandiose, hasn't it? Yes, it has. Surely it should be Fiend of the Show. Yes, he's not Friend of the Show. I think Frank would be mortified. We should call it Friend of the Show Sick, spelled incorrectly. But we do have in our collection of Friends of the show. Yes, he's not Friend of the show. I think Frank would be mortified. We should call it Friend of the show sick, spelled incorrectly. But we do have in our collection of Friends of the show, we have Mahatma Gandhi, Ross Noble and Peace of the Wild.

It was quite a strange night down the pub. Because Friend of the show is usually reserved for people who've had some sort of specific contact or reference with. So unless Armin Mivers is the reason that Gareth left. Armin Mivers came up. We should furnish readers with the reason that Gareth left. Arm in my vest came up. We should furnish readers with the information if they're new. Because when people are dressing their baby, there was a few that when they were saying,

put your arm in, they would say, arm in my vest. And actually, we've had an email entitled, first world problems and song to get baby changed. Hi, Frank, Alan, Em. I literally just had a first world problem that I wanted to share with you. It's the annoyance of washing up when the dishwasher is full and clean but realising that the cafeteria

hasn't been cleaned out. So where do you pour all of the bits? It's getting vigorous nodding in the room. Yes! I hate the bits. Also, when changing my baby Fred, I sing hands up, baby hands up give me your arm, me give me your arm give me give me to the tune of disco by ottawa that's a great call that's a good one that's really good

did we have an idiom in as well we did have an idiom in yeah i uh i get um them to lean on me and i sing lean on me do you but i've also noticed another one that I did the other night. My son was using mouthwash, the children's one, not the full... Still quite odd, anyway. If I'm honest, I find that quite odd. I started singing, Mouthwashing, we're mouthwashing, to the tune of Lou Reed's Nightclubbing. At least I think so.

I think that's a lovely positive role model for a child, Lou Reed. I want his life to be really influenced by Lou Reed. Yeah. Guys, that's all we've got time for, I'm afraid. No. It's been lovely having you, Per. I am not going. It's a sit-in protest.

I'm telling you I'm not going. Stay in. Coming up, we have Mark Crossley. But thank you so much for joining us this morning, and we'll be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? this morning and we'll be seeing you.