The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Animal Encounter

Episode Date: September 1, 2012

Frank returns and is joined by Emily and Alun as they discuss Frank's staycation, unusual animal encounters and inappropriate messages.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And Alan Cochran is giving me that look of a man who wants my chair. No, no, I'm happy back here. Yeah, yeah, you say that. You've got that look when I... I've done a few theatre things and you get an understudy and when you walk in they say, Oh, are you alright? But they don't mean... It's not the normal, you're alright, it's, no, you're all right. Any chance I could get on tonight? They mean, are you not all right? I'm not all right. I've got terrible toothache.

Can we just say we did miss you? Thank you very much. Yeah. But I listened to bits while I was away. Oh, mortificato. I don't want you listening in. Sounded great. Great.

But I did worry about Alan. He sounded like he was loving it a bit too much. I was reminded of that whole song. Drunk on the adulation. You know the old song, how are you going to keep them down on the farm now that they've seen Paris? It went a bit Star is Born.

Yeah, I think you've seen Paris now. You don't want to be shifting bales at 6am. Well, here we are. By the way, if you're interested, you can text us on 81215 about any old topic and you can follow us on Twitter. The social networking. Phenomenal.

Yeah. Well, you can do it by using at Frank on Absolute. Yeah. Simple as that. Simple as that. Right across the... Oh, it's a cyber circus. Yeah, that. Simple as that. Right across the hall, it's a cyber circus. Yeah, that's what it is. So yes, I've phoned my dentist.

It's called Tuthake. Can you please pronounce it properly? It's Tuthake. I've phoned my dentist at half past midnight on his. On his mobile. Wow. Saying, can you help me? I'm in agony. And he said, take painkillers. Yeah. Oh, thanks. But I think he's going to do me today, I'm hoping.

Is he? They don't work on Saturdays, but he lives over the shop so he can be teased down. He lives over the shop? You make it sound like open all hours. Yeah, you know when you get in, they've opened up, especially for you, there's no reception Yeah, you know when you get in, like, they've opened up, especially for you, there's no receptionist, you know.

Oh, really? I don't know that. They have to use a hand drill. Now, I'm good on teeth, Frank. Oh, yeah? Tell me what you think the problem is. I know what the problem... Well, I say I know. I had root canal a few weeks ago.

I had part one of root canal. Oh. And he thinks, according to what he told me in the early hours, that I've got an infection in me Root Canal. It's not dissimilar to the Suez Canal crisis in 1956 that brought down our Prime Minister Anthony Eden. I'm in the Anthony Eden role this time. I do feel like the last few weeks have been starved of historical references

in relation to toothache. Well, that's your fault. You've been starved of historical references in relation to Toothache. That's your fault. You've been in charge, don't come crying to me. I mean, it's the worst. It sort of infects everything, doesn't it, Toothache? Toothache, yeah. It makes you irritable while laying in bed thinking, what's the point of living? Oh dear.

I know, it's terrible. I'm just saying, and I don't mean this indelicately, but as a friend, it might be a good opportunity if you're getting the teeth done anyway. I know what you're going to say, but I like them the way they are. No, I know. I like you too. It looks like a panoramic view of Boot Hill. And I like the Western theme on it.

I tell you, I hate tooth western theme I tell you I ate it I ate toothache, I've said toothache now so you've drawn me in I ate it nearly as much as I ate Eurythmics that's how much I ate it and that's really

saying something, because I used to like Eurythmics when they were first out oh yeah sweet dreams era you liked. But now I can listen to any old music I'm extremely tolerant on the music front.

If I'm in a car I'll reach across a taxi driver's shoulder to switch Eurythmics off. It's gone a bit sort of It's unbearable. School run mum working out. It's got everything wrong with it. It's got leave showb of yeah. It's unbearable. School run mum working out. It's got everything wrong with it. It's got leave showbiz to work at Oxfam

written all over it. Looking back now you can see it coming. The signs were there. We've had a text in saying the best from Dave Stewart. Someone was saying the best thing for toothache Frank is clove oil and that's from Claire in Paisley

and if you're from Glasgow you know a thing or two about toothache, Frank, is clove oil, and that's from Claire in Paisley. And if you're from Glasgow, you know a thing or two about toothache would be my guess. Yeah. So, you know, clove oil. Thanks for that. My brother used to sock... Keith used to sock cloves. You know, you can buy cloves. You know, you can buy them to stick in oranges.

You are joking at this point. You know, they stick them in oranges at medieval banquets, cloves. Yes, I've eaten too many. He used to buy the cloves and just sock them like one might sock a fisherman's friend. They're vile. There's very little you tell about your childhood or family that I wouldn't believe, to be honest. This is a man who also washed his hair, of course, in that 1001 carpet cleaner. at 1001 Carpet Cleaner.

Just to show how old that was, the advert used to say, 1001 cleans a big, big carpet for less than half a crown. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I've been away for a couple of weeks on what some might call a holiday. Not frank.

On vacances. Yeah, you didn't make the same mistake I made and go staycation, did you? I did go staycation. There you go. But I've discovered it's impossible to have what one might term even generally a holiday with a three-month baby. What I feel like I've had is two weeks in a Turkish prison.

No sleep, people staring at me menacingly. Lots of that smell of excrement. Trying to eat in a restaurant with a baby. Impossible. Is that tough going? Well, they scream and people don't like eat in a restaurant with a baby. Possible. Is that tough going? Well, they scream and people don't like it in a restaurant. So do I, to be fair, depending on who I'm with. Yeah, well, but, you know, when the carbs come out. Yeah.

There was one plus. I managed to do the same joke three times with three different waiters. You find that a plus? I do. I like the idea of because you know the repetition allows you to hone it to perfection yeah are we allowed to know the joke yeah so what happens is you go into a posh restaurant and you're pushing a pram and they say yeah they say would you like to sit over there and they point to the table

in the furthest away from everyone. And every time I said, I'm sorry, but nobody puts a baby in the corner. I mean, it was worked every time, a tree. I was almost looking for, I was leading them that way. It was joyous, but it was terrible. Terrible, you say? Terrible time, yeah. Torrid. Torrid? Yeah. Was it, you say? Terrible time, yeah. Torrid. Torrid?

Yeah. Was it, what, just the lack of sleep and the... It's just you can't do anything when you've got a baby. Unless you take, you know, you need to take care of it. What was it that you were planning on doing, though? What horse riding was it that you missed out on? Eating. Eating?

You didn't eat on the holiday? I would have a day. We would sit down, the baby would cry, I would get up and take him out for a walk. Kath would eat on her own. I'd come back, out for a walk. Kath would eat on her own. I'd come back, she'd take him. I'd eat on my own. But brackets, cold food.

So my experience was slightly worse. That was it. I think it might be time to get the army of nannies. I was going to say, like that nice one in the omen, you could get one of those... No, I mean do our own goat's milk. Yeah, I don't remember the nice one in the Omen.

Was she the one that flew in on an umbrella? Yeah, yeah, something like that, yeah. That's Mary Poppins, isn't it? Did he cry a lot in the restaurant then, Buzz? He cried. He cried and then I cried. It's good that we went to Babington House. Oh, lovely.

Very posh. Very posh. And Kath was saying to me, well, I wonder who's going to be here. I saw Russell Brand was here last week. I mean, it could be anybody, Babington House. Did you get Russell Grant? We saw one person I knew

and that was a bloke who sits in front of me at the West Brom matches. So, yeah, we didn't even have any sort of celebrity to take the sting. But in a weird way, isn't that a good thing? Because you were on holiday. I mean, your life is in that world. Exactly, I was on holiday. You were holidaying from that world.

I was on holiday, so I didn't want to be the celebrity. Oh, I see. You know, obviously I had to mingle, go from table to table shaking hands, that kind of thing. Did you? Like a major did. You know, meal all right? Meal all right?

What about this? I came in earlier and the bloke said, sit over there, and I said, nobody puts baby in the corner. That's what my lunch times were like. Yeah, it was like, there used to be a hotel you could stay at where you went every morning, you could buy a ticket for breakfast with Telly Savalas, who was the bloke who played Kojo. They let him live at the hotel.

And that was what he paid. They just paid him in lollipops. He had to have breakfast and be jovial and tell showbiz anecdotes to a group of holidaymakers every morning. Wow. Is anyone listening? I haven't written it off. There's no idea.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I tell you, let me ask you a question, because you've both got your finger on the pulse of popular culture. What is the beanbag generally scoffed at? It's seen a little bit as kind of student hovel, isn't it? Really? Oh, now you're going to say you've gone and bought one.

Because my answer was going to be, is it generally scoffed at? I think it is, yeah. I think if you go to someone's home and they've gone, I've got a brown corduroy beanbag. Well, Frank, they have enjoyed something of a renaissance in the last couple of years. Well, my baby... That sounds comfortable.

Oh, my baby, boss, he loves the brown corduroy. I've got a brown corduroy suit that I find very comfortable. See, now that he's got accustomed to the beanbag, he'd probably cradle himself in your lap very happily. In the market for a three-button corduroy suit. He's got used to it. For a six-foot-three man. A bit of brown furry

corrugation. Nice. Such as you get on corduroy. But it sounds comfortable. When you see him, because it's an enormous beanbag and he's a tiny baby. How big? When you say enormous. Well, I'd say it's, obviously, the whole thing about a beanbag is it's a movable feast. Alright big when you say enormous well it's i'd say it's obviously it the whole thing about a beanbag is it's a movable feast all right if you get it long one of the reasons people don't like them is because they're they're fluid

they can't um they can't contain them it's not like a sofa it's you know it's got a mind of its own yeah freeform definitely but i would say if I would say if me and you pulled either side of my brown corduroy bean bag, if anyone's tuned in now, they're going to think, well, is this the medical section? I'd say we'd get an easy six and a half feet. Oh, wow. And he's three months old, so when he's in the middle of it, he's all little pink and crinkly.

And this is the big corduroy thing. It looks like, if you can imagine, an enormous walnut whip. Oh, yeah. It looks like that. That's great. I mean, it's a beautiful thing for a baby. But I'm thinking, see, I've got it in my holiday home. I have a holiday home.

He has a caravan. But I'm thinking now, why don't I have a beanbag at home? They're beautiful. Yeah. And they embrace you in a way that a sofa doesn't. You're a success. You can have a beanbag at home and in the holiday home. Here's what the difference is, I think.

A sofa, I think, is a bit like going out with Victoria Beckham. Right. In what respect? Well, because it never really joins, it never really embraces, it never wraps around you. There's a firmness in it, whereas a beanbag

is a bit more Jerry Halliwell, if you know what I'm saying. A bit more squidgy and huggable. There you go. I'd stick to a puff, Frank. That's what I've always done. Well, that of course is the other option. But they can be spiky. You could have one of them in your holiday home.

After the beanbag in the real home. Yeah. That's fine. It's happened. I've read it in the papers before now. No one's had any idea. Frank, we've had a text in. Sitting with my clove oil. I also have toothache and all my hair, bro. And that's had any idea. Frank, we've had a text in. Sitting with my clove oil,

I also have toothache and all my hair, bro. And that's from our Keith. Oh, Keith's got toothache? Yes, you're like strange twins. That is, yeah. It's like, you know, when you get that psychic thing going. Connection. Yeah.

That's terrible, man. Maybe get better, our Keith. Do you think he's serious? He's actually got the clove oil out. Yes, I do think so. I bet he hasn't got the 1001 out. He can't buy that anymore. Oh, I love those old adverts. No

teas in a bag. I remember that one. That was a big turnabout in popular culture. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hard to think of it now, really. What, the teabag? The introduction of the teabag? David Baddiel wrote a book about the Second World War,

and he gave it to me to read, and in the middle of it, the soldiers get out some teabags. I said, I'm sorry. I remember. I remember the coming of the teabag. It'd be like 1960s. Was that like the Tribal Pursuit, Raoul?

We can't ever talk about that. So we changed it. So that's forever talk about that. So we changed it. So that's forever immortalised now. Is that right? We can't have soldiers with tea bags. Ridiculous. I think he got mixed up with sandbags. Maybe.

That wasn't the only thing you said after you'd just read the book. No, I just said that. Hi. Yeah, I didn't... Picked up on one anachronism and then left it. I don't do critique, I only do corrections. That's the way I operate. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Just got the, we got the TV screen on in here and I just saw Neil Armstrong's funeral was with Buzz Aldrin of course, my son is named after Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins, the other two

astronauts from Apollo 11 at the funeral and I thought that's one occasion when you don't want to be the first Indeed We've actually had a text about that Yes, from Nogget who's one of my makers Ah, Nogget And he's put of my makers. An email, right. Ah, Nogget. And he's put, did you know that Neil Armstrong used to tell pretty unfunny...

Is he banished? What did I say? Look at it, Jose Mourinho. Neil Armstrong. Neil Armstrong. Neil Armstrong used to tell pretty unfunny jokes about the moon and always end with the line, ah, I guess you had to be there. Did he really?

Oh, I love him so much. I hope he did, that is brilliant. That is great. I once did a panel show with Gary Lineker and I think I can't remember the context but he said to me, oh you know when you're captain in England and you, oh you don't do that. Very good.

Very good. I didn't think it was possible to love him more, but you've just done it. It's always possible to love Gary Lineker a little bit more as each new flavour is introduced onto the market. We've had a text saying... It's like just reading a Walker's press release. We've had a text that I think is for you that just says,

Is it safe? Oh, a marathon man. Peter Flint. Now, that'll be a dentist reference. Yeah. What? Have you seen Marathon Man? Is it safe?

Oh. There you go. Is it safe? Is it 12 times now? I need to say it. Very good. The acting, the acting ability is coming out again. Do you know, that came in handy, that role in Jason the Asthmatic.

Jason the Asthmatic jason the asthmatic so laurence olivia says is it is it safe it does yeah i believe repeatedly to dustin hoffman and larry i'm an excellent driver that's a different film that's in written man well you know i think he said it if we filmed it they it in. I'm an excellent patient. So, I went to the room that I stayed in on holiday, one of the rooms I stayed in, anyway, in this hotel. You know how sometimes you get books in the hotel room? Oh, yeah.

You think, what? It had Lord of the Rings in three volumes, three separate volumes. I thought, how long do people stay in this hotel? It's incredible. And I've never read Lord of the Rings, and I thought, I'm going to the toilet. I'll take the first part of Lord of the Rings. Oh, confident. Well, yeah, I didn't anticipate getting through it.

That speed reading course you did five years ago is coming handy. I thought as titles go, it's relatively apt. So I took it. I'm sorry, everyone. So I took it. Bang! And I thought... 8.37.

I've always thought that people who read Lord of the Rings... I went to see the film Lord of the Rings, and they asked me about it after, and I said it was like playing Dungeons and Dragons with Enya on the hi-fi. And they didn't print any of it, and I wasn't invited to any of the further sequels. You're supposed to say, the argument is, if you're going to eat our gato, you can say nice things about the film, that's how a premiere works. Yeah, that's the rule.

But I started reading the book, and I thought it was brilliant. Oh, was it? Yeah. To my surprise it was brilliant. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it has been popular. I didn't feel I could take it away, you know, it's tempting when you get into a book in a hotel room, can you? I can't be doing with it, Frank. I like those bookshelves that say, leave yours and take one

of these, but, you know, you can't just take one, can you? No, they had that in The Crash. did that yeah quieter baby thought that a baby changing facilities can i have that one that one that's sleeping yeah so i am it's the first time i've read a hard copy book for about three or four months and it felt like a bit of a treat you know paper and when you say that you mean an actual physical well i do all the, I read it all on the iPad. Yeah. He's got a Kindle.

Well, I've got a Kindle app. I just, you know, I just couldn't take another paper cut. I couldn't, I couldn't accept it. So I went, you know, I went technological and it was nice to go back to an old book, especially, I thought, I wonder how many strangers and people I'll never meet have read this on the toilet. Oh, God.

Frank. Lovely thought. Yeah, but it's true, though, isn't it? Yeah. All of them enjoying the irony of the title. Yeah, well, who knows? Who knows if they'd have even thought that out. So I just wrote in the inside cover,

while I was here I went into the restaurant and they suggested, because I had my baby with me in a pram, that I sat in the far distance. And when I said to the waiter, I thought I'll immortalise that. It's going to make Tolkien look like a pretty dull egg compared to that kind of repartee. I'm rambling, you're right.

You know, I'm gettingambling, you're right. You know, I'm getting back into it. Shut your face. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank. Emily. You know you're quite a fan of an Animal on the Rampage story.

Oh, yeah. Who isn't? Well, we all are, to be honest. I think there's been what's actually the ultimate Animal on the Rampage story this week. It happened while you were away. No, I did see it, though. Did you see it? This is the plus of a staycation. You can keep up with the news.

Oh, yeah. Well, it was a pensioner. I'm not saying she's lost her marbles. Jury's out at this point. Who spotted this lion originally. Yeah. It was in Essex wasn't it There was a few people saw the Essex lion Well yeah the eyewitnesses was what I liked the best

Their reports There was one eyewitness He said he was basically running towards people Saying it's a category C swear word lion Yeah And then another man I wish you'd been saying that That reminds me of the old joke Do you remember that when there was a bloke swear word lion. Yes. And then another man... I wish you'd been saying that.

That reminds me of the old joke. Do you remember that? When there was a bloke... You walk down the street, you see this bloke. There's a bloke who comes running down the street and says, there's a lion escaped from the zoo.

And he said, which way is it coming? He said, you don't think I'm chasing it, do you? There's a man called Rich Baker, 39, from Romford. Okay. He... Is that Mr Kipling's pseudonym called Rich Baker, 39, from Romford. OK.

Is that Mr Kipling's pseudonym, Rich Baker? He was one of the eyewitnesses. Was he the one who said it was one million percent a lion? He said it was one million percent a lion, yes. I'm no mathematician, but come on. No. He doesn't strike me as a reliable news source rich baker mathematician no there were photos though there were photos of what would to me was very clearly a cat

a domestic cat yeah i like the person who described it as having it was a tan color with a big mane yeah there was no big man yeah it must have. It must have been looking through an in-sea dandelion at the time. When I read the article... It had a scarf. A cat in a scarf. A cat in a scarf? You think that's what caused the lion rampage? A cat in an Elizabethan ruff. Essex cats are keen followers of fashion and scarves are on trend for them at the moment.

It turned out it belonged to an old people's home, didn't it? Yeah. And it was called Tom. And I thought, come on, make an effort. Tom. Tom Cat. The best you could come up with. Mrs. Aris, what should we call the cat?

Tom. OK. I mean, make an effort. And the terrible thing, I don't know if I should read this out, but the person from the old people's home, the carer, said he's an affectionate cat who just likes the odd stroke. Well, he's in the right place. That's what she said.

One of the eyewitnesses said it was the size of two sheep put together. It's all of a bit cat's paw. What was the size of two sheep put together. It's all of it, cat's paw. What do you mean, two sheep put together? Is that something that dodgy second-hand sheep salesmen do? They weld the back of one sheep to the front of the other if they're involved in accidents. I also particularly like, apparently, you know, the police knocked on the door of a circus owner.

Oh, yeah. And he said, they came knocking, they said, the police knocked on the door of a circus owner. Oh, yeah. And he said they came knocking. They said, have you got any lions? I said, no, I gave them away three years ago to my sons. No, what they said to him was, have you lost any lions? Come to mention it, I have, but I didn't think I needed reporting. But, Frank, he said, I gave them away three years ago to my sons. But then he said, I took the person who came, I took them to my tiger cage

and showed her the tiger who was asleep and that seemed to satisfy her. Well, why did that satisfy her? Yes, I've got three sleeping tigers, so I couldn't possibly have lost a lion. It doesn't make any sense. How did anyone think it was a lion? Apparently it was 70 centimeters in length i've actually i've got heels higher than that that's really not that big i don't know what that one is 70 centimeters how many how many inches is that i don't know probably 23 i'm going

this week's texting i'm going 23 that'll come in quick do you think i think so if somebody's got a slide rule 70 centimeters into inches go it's going to be about 3 feet yeah that's my bet we'll see absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio what if we do find out it is a lion now after all that we're going to look pretty stupid

oh yeah we don't want that I must admit when that bloke said he was a million percent sure it was a lion i did i did waver i thought that's a lot that's a big that's big certainty i had doubt in my mind when another eyewitness said we witnessed it uh rolling about in the field and cleaning itself right i bet lions do that don't they bridget nilsen does that are they normally hosed by keepers yeah Frank we've had a tweet in on Frank on Absolute

let me make myself comfortable in my chair as I slowly slide into the 21st century get out your copy of Lord of the Rings this is from Clive Wilson he's clearing up the issue. It feels like he should be a sort of a minor minister in the coalition government.

From his little avatar picture, he looks like he could be. Okay. Oh, really? I'm being a bit rude because he's been a bit rude. Oh, has he? Well, he's not really. He just sounds like he likes facts. He says a 12-inch ruler is 30 centimetres.

Oh, OK. This is in response to... What's 70 centimetres in feet and inches? So it's about two and one-third feet, or 27.56 inches. Did you know you can use Google for this? Oh, Clive. That's the bit where he's let himself down. You can.

But I think if you've got an audience of intelligent people we use what i like to call google and we've had a an influx of people saying 27.55 27.559 we don't need because those people okay there might be the odd maverick who's um who's googled it but i bet you most of our listeners just knew it including the ones who ones who's texted. Do you think the person who is, and this is not a lie, somebody has texted in 70 centimetres equals 27.55905511811024 inches. Now he's Googled it. He's on the spectrum. Either that or Dustin Hoffman's listening from Redman.

If he knew that off the top of his head, then he's a very spectrum. Either that or Dustin Hoffman's listening from Redman. If he knew that off the top of his head, then he's a very fine gentleman indeed. He's taking some time out from his counting matches. I think he's, you know, now that you get calculators on your phone we can all be that accurate. Frank, never mind that. I would like to discuss

an animal incident of my own this week. Oh yeah? Yeah. It was pretty traumatic. Oh, dear. I will tell you about it. Well, I was making myself a nice nourishing cup of black coffee for my lunch. Six weeks to OMG. You should find out that Emily's on the OMG diet.

She came round my house the other night for dinner and had an apple and two cubes of cheese. That's the kind of people I like round for dinner. I'd have those people round on a regular basis. And two green teas. I could have put the whole thing on a cocktail stick.

Simple as that. You did have two green teas, you greedy git. Fatty. Yeah, she pigged out on two green teas, you greedy kid. Fatty. Yeah, she pigged out on two green teas. Were you making black coffee for lunch? There was a homicide on my concrete patch. Oh, yeah, but, you know, live and let live, that's what I say.

Oh, sorry, homicide. Yeah, it was? Well, as you know, I have a glass door which faces onto my concrete patch. Yes. So I was looking through it, and I looked out, and I saw a giant bird of prey. Oh, my God. I later established after extensive Googling it was a peregrine falcon. Oh, exciting.

Didn't know they were that big, but... What, peregrine falcons? They're big for a... Don't minimise my anecdotes. Okay, sorry. They're know they were that big. What, peregrine falcons? They're big for a... Don't minimise my anecdotes. OK, sorry. They're big for an urban garden. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

And it was going to work on a pigeon. Let's put it that way. Was it? It was like a pathology scene. They can fly. They can fly. You could go to work on an egg. This whole traditional pigeon post thing, it it's gone up a notch hasn't it they're transporting other birds of the air

frank the look on it look on its face what the pigeon or the or the parrot that had long gone that wasn't having any looks anymore what it's face the head had gone really head off head off that's how they start head off and when they plucked the feathers it was it was like a gone. That wasn't having any looks anymore. The head had gone. The head had gone. That's how they start, head off. And when they plucked the feathers, it was like a butcher on Christmas Eve. It was making me feel ill. The look on his face, he was so pleased. I caught his eye as well, which made me feel

ill. It looked me right in the eye. You want that diet, it must have brought out a slightly carnivorous feel to you. I don't know. There's no carbs on a pigeon. Were you thinking, that frying pan could be hot in no time? Yeah.

Because the problem is, that pigeon could have ate bread a little earlier. Or chocolate. That's always the challenge. They don't get chocolate pigeons. Don't kid yourself. Oh, okay. It's a horrible...

You know, nature-reading tooth and claw. It was really upsetting. It was. I did the right thing, though. I called up my mother crying and I said, come over immediately. So she came over with disinfectant and a Tesco's bag. It's not a state funeral, but that was the best I could do. What happened to Peregrine?

He'd long gone. Well, Peregrine, this is what sicko he is. He just flew off, leaving me to dispose of the corpse. Yeah. Sorry about this, everyone. Anyone listening? Enjoy your week to me. Our kid sitting with his clove on,

having to listen to this first thing in the morning, having had about 17 pints of mild last night. Oh, awful. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean, I'm with Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8-12-15 and you know what? You can follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. Beautifully done, Frank. We've actually had communication from the outside world, because in the previous hour, obviously, we were just discussing the big cats in Essex, the lion. Yeah, the lion.

And indeed, Emily was telling us that horrific story about the peregrine falcon attacking a pigeon. I think we've also established that the lion was 20 how many inches about 27 centimeters inches 27 and a half was it no it's no yeah was it yeah 27 and a half inches thank you to the people who sent in one man sent in an incredibly sent it to the sort of six decimal point oh yeah he yeah. He sounds like my kind of guy. What that doesn't allow for is when the cat becomes enraged and its hair stands on end,

the whole decimal point thing collapses. But we've had an email entitled... How do you measure a cat tail extending? Oh, yeah, I suppose... Oh, I'd always do with tail. Head to end of tail. That's pretty tough on a man. With tail and eye. With tail and eye. Very, very good. With tail. Head to end of tail. That's pretty tough on a manx. With tail and eye.

With tail and eye. Very, very good. With tail and cat's eye. Lovely. You never see a manx, do you? I know they exist, I don't think I've ever seen a manx cat. To be honest, when I was reading the story,

when they kept saying... When I say a manx cat, I don't mean a cat that belongs to Liam Gallagher. Or the Isle of Man. I mean a cat that's... That's what they call Manx cats, aren't they? They have no tail. They just have that sort of boxer dog stomp.

Yeah. Just about. Just about. I don't believe it. You know, we talk about things we don't believe exist. I don't believe there's such a thing as Manx. Well, boxer dogs do. No, I don't believe there's Manx.

I think they just lost their tail. Oh, rubbish. In some kind of accident. You think they've been docked? Yes. Is that what you're saying? Maybe. They used to do that with poppies when I was a kid.

But the tail looked a bit long. They'd find the knuckle, the joint in the tail and bite it off. Enjoy your breakfast, if you're listening to it. Yeah, wouldn't know what happened to all those poppy tails that were spat out across the West Midlands? That would have made a lovely cloak. Anyway. Shall I read this email or are you lost in this reverie of puppy tails?

Oh my, what a reverie. We've had an email from Carol McGuire who says, My little staffy bitch, Roxy, was ambushed. I think she means her dog. Roxy was ambushed by a big fluffy cat yesterday. She has the scar to prove it. Sun headline, Staffy savaged by cat. This was in a sleepy Angus village.

Well, I think the truth is this is the beginning of the backlash against the devil dog. Yeah. It had to come. And it's great that it's been led by the cats. The worm has turned. Emily, seeing the peregrine falcon versus pigeon, I think there's a very predictable outcome.

Peregrine falcon's going to win that every day of the week, aren't they? Well, cat versus staffy, surely. You'd bat the staffy on. You would. But that's what I like, the fact that it's a surprise ending. My wife came back in the house the other day

saying, oh, we've just been... Is that where this is going? She beat me up. Surprise ending. No, she'd been in the water park area. It's like a nature reserve. I thought that was a toilet euphemism. I thought that sounded a bit wife-swappy.

She said we were crossing the river and we saw eel versus otter. A long fight. Oh, I'd pay for that. Ringside seats, I'd want for that. But can you even imagine who would win that? Oh, my money's on eel. Really?

Really? Eel all the way versus otter yes i'm imagining the eel running away and finding some like uh they don't run frank one inch finding a bit of uh one inch one inch diameter piping and getting there the otter not being able to get in that's how i'm seeing it's going. Well. Up yours, Tarka. They're slim, but they're wiry. Oh, that's true. Eel won. You were right. I knew it. I knew eel would win. I thought you were talking about the Kenyans.

Completely threw me. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about vicious animal encounters, were we not? I saw a brilliant one. I saw a wasp caught in a spider web.

And the spider must have thought, Ah, another fly. And I thought, go on, mate, go on, go and get it. And the wasp was lying very still. And as quite a fat spider, it got closer it went he went to start talking in and the wasp suddenly wriggled a bit and it's it's um sting sort of went into the spider's head and then i saw did you stand there like david attenborough witnessing this i did because i ate spiders and i thought you've caught it in the web. You know, it's like shooting a burglar. It's fine.

And he started, you could see the wasp's bomb sort of pumping the poison into, and the spider's legs. Oh, went a bit Kardashian. The spider's legs started, they lost their bends and just went completely straight. I imagined it was doing one of those Oliver Hardy, whoa, one of those sounds. Oh, that was such a mistake. Don't catch a wasp. Well, Frank, 022 has witnessed a similar battle.

022, what a night that was at the ballet. Go on. Oh, dear. This is from Hazel. She says, I saw a wasp fighting... Not Hazel, the 1970s TV detective played by Nicholas Ball. No. OK.

I saw a wasp fighting a battle to the death with the daddy longlegs. I assumed the wasp was likely to win. But the daddy longlegs was not without a chance. However, I separated them by squashing the wasp. Oh. Whoa. Intervention. legs was not without a chance. However, I separated them by squashing the wasp. I hate the way they lured it over innocent bystanders. That's from Hazel. That's a bit United States in Central

America, though, isn't it? It's nature's way. Well, exactly. You've got to let them battle it out. I think both of the things you've just described, I would watch on YouTube if I saw the film. I know. I'd watch Wasp versus Daddy Long Legs.

My view is keep Insect Combat live. I don't like it. I'm really getting bored of virals. I am. I ain't. Anyone sends me a funny viral, I send them a threatening email back. I don't get the emails.

Nobody sends me them. Rubbish. We're moving on. Are we? Yeah, well, Sarah, who's our producer this week, just put a big note in front of me that said adverts. I can't argue with that kind of No. Well, at least she's planning about it. Yeah, exactly.

So that's where we're going now. Relax. Yep. Oh, for goodness. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from the outside world. I love that.

Andrew Hicks has a question for you. Why does Frank have a toilet roll on his desk? Well, I don't know the answer to that. Obviously, I'm not the only person that uses this studio. Andrew must be on the webcam thing. But there is always a toilet roll. Not only that, there's a toilet roll on a sort of a metal, proper metal holder on my desk,

and there's an empty toilet roll cardboard thing underneath it, as if someone's been getting through copious amounts. Maybe someone's got a sniffle. Perhaps there's a... I don't know about you, I don't like wiping my nose on a toilet roll. I know it hasn't been used but even so there's a conjunction of images I'm

not happy with. I like the fact that it's been referred to as your desk. It's some strange call centre here. Well it's my desk for the moment i think that's i'm happy with that yeah i like office frank we've also heard from other people who have had uh weird animal encounters we turn out to be a nation of voyeurs on the animal fighting front when i was studying at university after hours of revision i looked out of my flat to see three

crows attacking a seagull. Two of the crows had a wing each while the third pecked the seagull in the face. My mum is still on seagull. Wow. That's like hooded youths with a middle aged man who's come out to remonstrate with them because they're standing a bit close to his car.

Although it was a fabulous display of teamwork, it slightly frightened me that the crows were organised. Even today, I sidle past crows so as to not unintentionally offend. That is amazing. The great thing about that is basically it's monochrome conflict. Yeah. Three crows and a seagull, you know. Yeah, yeah, they could show that in black and white.

Oh, do you know what? You're right, Frank. I bet they were fighting over a chip paper as well. What a pointless... Yeah, but the colours would have looked good. But again, it's almost like they're shooting a burglar thing, isn't it? Nobody really loves seagulls, do they? So everyone's happy to see them get a bit of a piste.

People at Grows are sinister, aren't they? Yeah, so, you know, to the bottom of the pile, isn't it, in popularity stakes. Yeah, exactly. Frank, Jimbo's also emailed in, just saying, to the bottom of the pile, isn't it? And popularity stakes. Yeah, exactly. Vanker, Jimbo's also emailed in. Jimbo? Sad day. I thought he was going to say, I am a boxer dog

and I don't like the remark about our tails not being on them. I've just heard that the Sesame Street Count, Ron Count, has died. His number finally came up. Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that he's gone. Seems, er, what can you say? We've lost Kent. Frank? Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Is it time for just one second. Email Corner! Sure is. You can enjoy real Indian food.

Only 30 yards from this cinema. Yes, it is. We've had emails coming in galore. Can I just say also, 322 has pointed out the collective noun for a number of crows is, of course... Now, don't tell me. It's a good one, isn't it? I just nearly ruined it. Well, I'm going to give you a clue, Frank. It's relevant

to what they were up to, those crows. They were committing. I got this. I got it. It's a murder, innit? A murder, you're right. Yes. Course. Yes.

Course. You love a quiz. Look how happy you are at a quiz. You love a quiz. I didn't get it, though. You still love the quiz, though, didn't you? You get the old brain as you get older. Trombone.

Don't get upset. Anyone wants to talk about the old brain as you get older, text in. Anyway. We'll go back to email quarter, shall we? As Wiggins fever has gripped the nation post Tour de France slash Olympics Tour of France. Tour of France, as you call it.

His short hair and sideburns have become ingrained in British culture. Did you know, however, that Frank was a pioneer of the Wiggo look many years before? What? It's true. This gentleman says, and I like this next bit, I'm currently unemployed, so spending my time going through most of the videos on YouTube.

Well, that is a busy boy. Well, I mean, congratulations to him that he's an unemployed man actually watching videos on YouTube. Imagine if he's unemployed for a while and he finishes YouTube. Oh, he'll know a lot of stuff. It's constantly organically growing. It is. That's like getting to know me. It's impossible. Oh!

So I'm still evolving. Anyway, he continues. I came across an episode of Fantasy Football from 1998, the infamous John Lydon episode. Frank is sporting magnificent sideburns and a very short fringe, looking the spitting image of the yellow jersey and gold medal winner. Just wondering how you feel about a style pioneered by Frank in the 90s being plagiarised by Bradley Wiggins as his own work.

You know what Bradley Wiggins has done with my look? What's he done? He's recycled. He's recycled it. Look, we'll come back to this email because there are certain things on this show which simply will not be tampered with. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were in the midst of an email from Rob Corr, I remember. The one who didn't make the band. Rob Corr, of course, where I come from, would be a sort of a Rob Can't. That's what it would mean. Rob Can't? Yeah, Rob Corr. Rob Corr would do anything. All right, yeah.

I don't think I'd ever learn that language you don't you wouldn't want to be known as rob core because that sounds like a man who's incompetent in the extreme anyway what does rob core he's he's pointing out yes it is true that on um what was that 98 yeah 98 i did i went for sideburns and short hair. Very, very similar. Identical, almost, to Bradley Wiggins'. I like the fact he's sort of given you the credit for it, that you invented it as opposed to, say, Caesar. Did Caesar have sideburns?

Oh, yeah. No. Big old Forsythian numbers he had. It's called a Roman crop, isn't it? The old mod haircut. It's actually called a Caesar crop. Caesar crop. Yeah, but I don't...

Julius Caesar did not have... Hold on. Julius Caesar did not have sideburns. He did. He didn't. Can you go out and get me a bust of Julius Caesar, Sarah? Or just look through my handbag for a coin. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

OK, I said bust. Get over it. Why is Sarah phoning her lawyer? I thought you were listening. I don't know, she's always... Discrimination in the workplace. Very litigious. If you saw that number on daytime TV,

she was watching the soaps. She couldn't resist. So, anyway, yes, I did have that look. As I've explained before, I was never very good with a... I think you were away last time we mentioned this. The sideburns. Yeah, my sideburns, they don't join at the hair. I know you have a problem with the gap, don't you?

It's like Central and South America. I have a Panama Canal. You have a sort of isthmus. Yeah, if you can imagine my ear is the South Pacific, and then the sideburn is South America. I've often imagined that. For keen geography fans who are already up, they'll be enjoying this.

Yes, so my... Yes, so my... I'd say my sideburns start just about Venezuela, is where they're kicking. But, yes, so the make-up lady used to have to basically draw some sideburn on my skin. Oh, that's a bit David Guest. Yeah, so, yeah, it's not good, is it?

People in the RSC put mascara in their beards when they're playing Shakespearean type, just to give them that bit of extra boldness on the old dark beard looks better than that. Is that right? Yeah, when they strut and fret their hour upon the stage, they like to have a good solid beard. Mm.

Yeah. He had a great one, that dingle in Emmerdale. He had one of those beards. That dingle? He had one of those beards that didn't give the lips any space at all. It went straight almost to the tooth. I get terrible beard envy. I really do.

Yeah, it might be. It's rubbish as well. As you can imagine, if I can't do a sideburn, my beard's all over the place. Yeah, it's like if you start with a 10K can imagine, if I can't do a sideburn, I'd be in turnover. Yeah, it's like if you can't run a 10k, you're not going to be a good marathon runner, are you? Yeah. So was that it from Rob?

No, Rob's added a PS. If the Emily is ever in North Hertfordshire... Oh, here we go. ...on a tour of such towns as Hitchin, Letchworth and Stevenage, I'd be willing to abide. That's where you live. Oh, Hitchin, Letchworth and Stevenage I'd be willing to abide That's where you live Oh, he definitely lives in Letchworth She'd have to drive, however, as I currently do not have a driving licence

I'm 11 Well, he's added his age, though on the plus side I am 23 years old I'm fine with that Sounds with some pride, doesn't it? In what way is that a plus? Well, I don't know Oh, the arrogance of you I'm fine with that. Sounds with some pride, doesn't it? In what way is that a plus? Well, I don't know. Oh, the arrogance of you.

The gig's as good as hit. I might check it out. This is what I call a night's move that we occasionally get on emails, when it's all chatting about some nice subject, nice interesting subject, and suddenly it's, oh, and if Emily would like to come to my care what are these rude people i mean there's a time and a place we're talking about sideburns and venezuela and you and we're talking about you and then suddenly it's gone to emily sex i've said it i've said sex he mentions letchworth but i don't think he mentions it. He doesn't mention sex, but it's in the air. Oh, yeah.

Its spores are about my nostrils. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I've been reading about Will.i.am. Oh, he's been everywhere this week. He's been everywhere. Will.i.am and his terrible misuse of punctuation. I love Will.i.am, though.

He's a tiny little thing, isn't he? He's cuddly. I always thought he'd be, like, super cool, slightly aloof and distant, but I saw him on The Voice and I felt I wanted to run my fingers down the zip of his cardigan, if you know what I'm saying.

Lovely little smile. Yeah, he seems a jolly character. Jolly and quite flamboyant as well. He certainly had a week. Firstly, he announced he was going to launch his new single On the Surface of Mars. I don't know if you read about that. Yeah, that's pretty unique.

It's outlandish. But it's called Reach for the Stars, isn't it? Oh, right, yeah. Is it a cover of Reach for the Stars? West Club 7. Is it? Oh, that's Simon Fuller. They'd better be careful.

I don't think it is. I don't think it is that cover. He's doing it for his foundation. Everyone's got a foundation. I do think it is a publicity stunt. It's like when stars used to have their own fragrance, and then they've got their own foundation. Oh. Everybody's got the blah, blah, fragrance and then they've got their own foundation. Oh.

Everybody's got the blah, blah, blah. There's no Frank Skinner foundation. I thought that was a little joke you were doing there. Fragrance and foundation. No, no. Can I just say I'm so impressed how beauty literate you are there. Yeah. But they've all got a charity foundation. I don't think he'll get...

I mean, at least Jimmy Carr, he just didn't pay the tax. He didn't have to build some entire charitable front. Anyway, where was we? Yes, he was on, his thing was played on the moon. Yeah, which I think is just a way of hoping that he gets headlines saying, oh, this track is out of this world and, you know, oh, his imagination's on another planet and all that. That's basically, it's a bit obvious, isn't it?

Well, that might be why he called it Reach for the Stars. Yeah. It'd be all right with this. Well, I think life on Mars had gone. Yeah. That's what I heard. They've had that. But that wasn't all, because he was also involved in a pile-up.

Well, this was, I don't know if it was a pile-up. He was in a car with our own Cheryl Cole. Has Cheryl Cole got the status of our Keith now? Well, I just think, you know, like any tragedy, once there's a British person involved, you think, hold on a minute, this is awful. And when I heard Will.i.am had had a crash in a car, I thought, well, I bet that happens all the time.

But when I heard our own Cheryl Cole was in the passenger seat, I was... And he sent a text. Did you see that? He said, car accidents are not dope. Yeah. What does he mean by that? I find it hard to disagree with.

Dope is his street lingo for good. He says after people's song on The Voice, he says, I thought you were dope, man. I thought he was just comparing them with other things that he did. And she sent a text, she sent a tweet that said, we're all right, don't worry, honest, lovely. Yeah. I thought he should have sent a text after the crash for his fans

that just said, well, I am. Oh, fine, that's good. They're all right in their fancy, neat cardigans, but when it comes to wordplay, I'm afraid they're a championship. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochrane in Texas on 8.12.15. Follow us on Twitter. That's when you used to get someone on the phone to their wife in comedy shows. I've seen that for years. Died out that The frantic high-pitched

Oh, I love that, Frank Used to happen a lot on Wacky Races Yes I wonder why that went I wonder why I wonder why it died out Yeah It's a brilliant comedy thing

I'll just Oh, it's you, General Yes, but But I simply Gone Gone forever But not simply Gone, gone forever But not forgotten Well, not forgotten by me, but your youth I know nothing

We were talking about Will.i.am, weren't we? It was in an accident with them With our own Cheryl Cole Yes In a car accident He was driving, she was in the passenger seat This is in LA It was at half past three in the morning

Yes No judgement No, no judgement Just the time Just the time, innit He was driving. She was in the passenger seat. This is in LA. It was at half past three in the morning. Yes. No judgement. No, no judgement. Just the time. Just the time, isn't it? Yeah. And he hit a parked car.

Mm-hmm. Well, I mean, they are a hazard. Yeah. Why they're allowed... I mean, they're on the road, a lot of them. Mm-hmm. But he only had a neck brace and a bloody nose. What are they, cocktails? Yeah.

Before driving home. No, we can't. They'd gone for food. He must have hit it with some gusto, though. He took Cheryl Cole for food. At 3.30am, is that when she eats? Yeah, she's a midnight snacker, isn't she? Well, actually, that would make sense.

That is when your body, you know, it can burn effectively. Oh, is that what it is? Yes. Whatever. Anyway, there's a picture of her in today's paper, today's tabloid, with her arm in a rather fashionable black sling. Oh, really? So she's cashed in.

She assured her followers that she was unharmed. I don't mean unarmed, unharmed she's cashed in. She assured her followers that she was unharmed. I don't mean unarmed. Unharmed. That she was fine. And now she's thought, hold on, I'm trying to sell albums here. Can you get me a sling? Karen!

Karen, get me a sling! Look, good and payback! And that's what's happened there. She's absolutely fine. Oh, good. And speaking of judges... Judges' houses. Yeah.

Simon Cowell is... Well, it's judges' boats, actually,ges' houses. Yeah. Simon Cowell is... Well, it's judges' boats, actually, isn't it? Yeah. Rescuer. Extraordinary. It said Hero Cowell or something in the headlines. Did you stop? Did you walk past the newsstand and stop and have to back up?

I did think my... I think the last time I put money in a help for heroes, Tim. If it's going to go to him. Now, technically, he wasn't the rescuer, because Sunita, you remember her? Yeah, what a pair. She's the one with the shiny legs. How could you?

She had a great navel. Lovely. And she loves a quiet intellectual. I remember her singing about that. That's her type of man that she's into. I suppose her great navel is probably what helped in Sea Rescue. But what was interesting they came to the rescue

of a sinking ship. I worry about Sunita. She used to be a star in her own right and now she's sort of Tonto to Simon Cowell's Lone Ranger. Isn't she some sort of foolish hang-on? I think she's more Baldrick. I imagine he dismisses her with, you know the old Benny Hill slap on the back of the head?

Oh, damn. I don't know if he treats her with full respect. He saw a boat possibly sinking and he sent her to investigate in a smaller boat. Did you know that? Yes, like the sort of Carpathia. He didn't go in. Apparently she tastes all his food as well before he eats it.

Well, to be fair, I do that with you. No, that's one job I won't do. But I eat it from your willing lips afterwards. Frank, that's terrible. Frank, take that back, the food I made. I do take it back. I just can't help but think that it proves that he hasn't got the courage of his convictions

when it comes to red or black. I didn't know he had convictions. It'd be nice if he'd got on a black jet ski and she'd got on a red jet ski and they'd made the people on the boat pick and, you know, those that picked the wrong one perished. Or they could have let the boat burn

and said, do you think the people on the boat will end up red or black? Depending on when the fire goes out. I liked, Frank, that Sunita said, she tweeted, they're all tweeting, aren't they? Sunita said, it was a bit of a problem because petrol in the sea would cause

major problems and fines. I like that the bottom line is what was foremost. The fines is the problem. She said the captain wouldn't let the boat sink because petrol in the sea would cause... I didn't hear the choice on that one. There's a momental in the seaward cork. I didn't even have a choice on that one. There's a moment when a captain just gives up and says, I'll let it go. Yeah.

I don't think he should have sent her out. It's all gone a bit Captain Coward. I'm not going to, you know. It's wrong. She's the lady. Surely Simon Cowell should have. Yeah, isn't that like a maritime rule? Or maybe he was thinking that his boat was on its way down.

It's been broken before. He said women and children first. I suppose after that harpoon gun grazed across the top of his scalp and put a centre part in through his flat top. A spokesman, Frank, said like all good seafarers, he knew how to help out in an emergency. Now, I describe Simon Cowell as a lot of things, but a good seafarer isn't one of them.

And also, is that the code of the sea? Send in Sunita. That's hardly practical, is it? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio practical, is it? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you think Moses arrived at the back of Simon Cowell's flat top, pursued by the Egyptians, and thought there's only one way to get across this.

Bang, bang, bang this cane on the top of Simon's spine and the hair parted in the centre and it's remained like that. You're so right. That delineation is extraordinary. Yeah, my fantasy is that Simon Cowell, like that other powerful mogul, Rupert Murdoch, will fall from grace for some terrible reason and be reduced. And he'll become my Sunita.

And we'll go fishing together. I'll make him kneel in front of me. And I'll use the top of his head as a rod rest. That'd be good. That would put him in his place. I wonder why he has his hair like that. Extraordinary decision. He's got so much money he could have any year. I know.

Give us a call, Simon, if you're listening. I know people. Um, Frank? Hmm? We've had a text in. This is from Adrian and Becky. Right. Uh, aka 352. Hi Frank. Saw you at Greenbelt last weekend.

I loved hearing you speak. That's nice. Yes, I was at Greenbelt. Greenbelt, in case you don't know it, is the Christian festival. Actually, someone said to me, correct me, it's not actually a Christian festival. It's an arts festival with a Christian ethos. Right. I suppose if you say it's the Christian festival,

someone might say, what, Christmas or Easter? Well, exactly. It is confusing. Yeah. But it was, oh, God god people were so nice there oh yeah you can imagine how nice this is absolutely true when I got there I was stuck on the car park for a bit three people three different cars were trying to give way to each other it's the most Christian thing that's ever happened but uh it was it was great I had a I had a a lovely time

the woman who was into i got interviewed in a big tent with a thousand people she said to me there'll be a thousand people in there today i said oh lovely wow she said certainly in this weather really not undermined but it was uh i enjoyed it it was good another a woman a girl fainted in the front of the crowd. Which you don't believe in. No. If memory serves. It was attention-seeking.

Was it? That's a bit Backstreet Boys concert. It was, yeah. What were you saying? I don't get many people faint at my gigs, I'll tell you. But it was great. She got up. I got up and went over to the edge of the lip of the stage to make sure she was all right.

And she got up and apologised. Nice. I like the fact you went over to offer help, a la Cowell on the high seas. Well, at least I went. You didn't send someone over. I didn't have Sunita with me. But it was lovely in that respect. But I slightly lost the crowd at Womba. Oh, did you?

Did things not land very well? Well, I was talking about... It all started very well, because it's held at Cheltenham Racecourse. And I said, I think it's great that you've got a Christian festival at a racecourse of all places. You know, gambling. I said, you know, you have turned a den of thieves into my

father's house lovely little twist on a new testament they love that but then after we were talking about kids in church and whether you should have kids in church because my view is if you're going to talk about profound matters you don't want to be shouting across a playground right kids you know screaming in church. Who wants it? So this woman made a big point. You should have kids in church. And I said there should be a creche, you know, a creche to the kids.

What kids often do, they get taken out and they have their own little baby mass with a decraying drawing. That's a great idea. And I said, wouldn't it be a good idea if idiots were taken out of church? Oh, Frank! And then that would give the priest the scope to aim a bit higher in the sermon topics.

You know, he could get into some pretty high-blown theology. You said this. And the idiots could do some crayon drawings in a small adjoining room. Didn't go so well. What are you looking at? What are you doing in that cot throat thing? joining room. Didn't go so well. What are you looking at? What are you doing in that cot throat thing? I think

let's not write it off immediately. Oh, God. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I had one of my incidents this week. Uh-oh.

I'm afraid. Well, my fridge broke, which in some way was actually a cause for celebration. Yeah, but it fits with the diet. Well, exactly. However, I obviously needed to order a new one. Hmm. So, um... I imagine you keep your night masks in there.

Oh, yeah. And eyeliner. Eyeliner. Eyeliner in the fridge. It's great. Oh, yeah. And eyeliner. Eyeliner. Eyeliner in the fridge. It's where it keeps it nice and chilled. Lovely. In the hot summer months, especially. Must be very nice first thing in the morning.

You know, eyes a little bit stingy. Lovely cold eyeliner going on there. Never thought about that. What's that? What's that for Russell Kane, he's got any got any spare? I don't think he's got a fridge. He's thrown it out, his fridge, I think. I see. Yeah. Anyway,

so I decided to order one. I phoned up and I spoke to a very nice man in a call centre. He was lovely. We had a conversation. He said at the end of the conversation, I gave him Don't do the voice. No, I won't. Don't do the voice is one of show business's new rules, isn't it? It is. There are so many.

That's one of Frank's new books. I gave him my card details. He said, goodbye, I hope you enjoy the new purchase. And I responded, OK, darling, love you loads. Whoa! It was a nice move! OK, darling, love you loads. Oh!

It was a nice move. You'd gone from fridge to hot, hot, hot. It was awful, Frank. Did he sound attractive? Did he say, I'm actually engaged? No, he didn't sound attractive at all. You can't tell, though. No, he wasn't attractive.

It was awful. It was awful. Where did it come from? I don't know, Frank. It's always in me. It's always in me trying to get out. I can't help it. I was a showbiz child in a showbiz family. Anyway, so we rounded off the conversation.

I thought, what do I do? There was a pause after, okay, darling, love you loads. Naturally, it was a pause. He said, okay, fine, thank you. He acknowledged it. I'm surprised you even waited to hear that. I'm sure it's not the first time in your life you've had that exchange.

Sometimes with people you've been going out with. This is true. I then replaced the handset. Oh, yes. I put the phone down on him. Oh, did you? Yeah. I couldn't bear to speak to him.

Well, you'd sort of said goodbye. I can't believe you waited that long. I thought you would have gone, OK, darling, love you loads. Well, that's my relationships in microcosm. If you imagine that man in that call centre, though, he's probably a pretty miserable, lonely life. He's probably lovely to get a bit of human warmth.

Exactly, yeah. I know, but I can't call him again, Frank. It's like calling an ex. I don't know what to do. Oh, don't worry. He'll email the show within the next four or five days. They all gather like carrion. These guys who... Carrion, look it up. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On the subject of Emily signing off a phone call to a call centre with OK Darling Love You Loads. There's a Daily Mail article about how apparently more than half of office affairs start with flirting colleagues putting an X at the end of a text or an email. Can that be true? I nearly always end a text or an email with an X. Well, I've noticed.

This is exactly it. I thought you were sending me signals. I was thinking we were just colleagues, Frank. No, I wouldn't. If I read that, do I think any different of it? I don't know. Why is it an X as well? Well, if someone doesn't put an X at the end of an email or a text, I think they're seriously furious with me. Do you? Really? Anybody.

My accountant. I just assume they're straight. No, but why do they use an X? Well, you do, and I love you for that, but Alan... But why does it symbolise a kiss, is what I mean. Oh, I see what you mean, Frank. I don't know. What?

When you pucker up, it doesn't look like an X, does it? Use an asterisk. That's my advice, if you want to simulate puckering up. Or maybe you could use an O for the open mouth kiss. Our listeners will tell us what it is down there. Maybe for the tongy kiss, a Q. Capital Q. That'll do it.

Well, quite often I miss hit X and get C. I do that as well. And I just assume that I've sent my wife a cuddle rather than a kiss. Oh, a cuddle. No, I think we've all agreed on that. That's a much cleaner version than what I thought it... Go on. C just means X now. Everyone's agreed on that. It's fine.

Oh, good. Kathy usually texts back, I've got a headache. It'd be good if you could text boring people and put a Z on the end. Oh, that'd be good. I hope this isn't real. What's happened? What, what, what?

Oh, my God, I think it is real. What? Oh, read that text. I can't read it. Oh, not Annie Lennox. Read the text. What's going on? It's 420.

Someone's just texted in. 420. It did make my day. I had tried extra hard to provide exceptional customer service for Emily that day and thought that the way our conversation ended was my reward. How wrong was I, Martin, booth for customer care team? It was Martin. His name was Martin as well. I love that he's in booth for Martin.

Frank, it is him because his name was Martin, I remember. I feel sick. Well, you said that he didn't sound attractive but I think he does, based on this. I think he's got a bit of panache about him. I think he's got a panini. Martin, him. I think he's got a panini. Martin, I'm so sorry.

Love you loads, darling. Yeah. Love you loads, darling. All together now. Martin, thanks for calling in, you big juicy baby. Oh, that's brilliant. I love the idea of him listening in booth four. So do I.

Oh, it's so 1984, isn't it? Excellent. Absolute. Absol it Excellent Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had various Texts and emails informing us That kisses are kisses And O's are hugs

O's are hugs where does that come from Is it because you encircle If you were looking down on someone who was hogging someone, they formed an O with their body and arms. Why does that make Noughts and Crosses? Some sleazy bedtime game. Too right. The original Twister or something.

I played that with the late Richard Whiteley. So O's mean hog. Yeah. X's mean kisses. Well, Sally Gould... And I always take a smiley face as a sign of mental illness. Yeah. X's mean kisses. Well, Sally Gould... And I always take a smiley face as a sign of mental illness. I don't know about you. I write them off as human beings, usually, after the smiley face.

Frank's not into emoticons. No. But it said in that article, it said that women, when women put an X on the end of an email, they're being friendly. When men do it, they're often trying to instigate sex. Oh, you filthy creeps. That just isn't...

Is that why Malcolm X had six children? That's just not true, though, is it? Well, you tell me, honey. I haven't tried to instigate sex since the 90s. Didn't have to. me, honey. I haven't tried to instigate sex since the 90s. I didn't have to. Oh, Frank. Eh?

Didn't have to. But you see, you do kisses on texts, Frank. I do. Alan never, ever has he sent me a kiss. No, but he's a bit further north than me. Do you know what? I don't think he ever will. I don't think he ever will I don't think he ever will either

I think that's now I've become conscious about it because I thought it was just a fact I send them to men and I rarely kiss men on the lips which men do you send kisses to? I probably send have I ever sent you a kiss? I think once

I did have a little look at my phone oh my god this is such a big issue I think once. It was when you'd had a child, so I assumed that it was a group text and was going to some ladies rather than that it was a kiss. But you picked up on it. Especially for me.

I'm all right with a phone kiss. It's a weird article, though, isn't it? It's one of those articles that sort of says, hey, if you're thinking of having an affair, here's permission, because look at all these people. This is how they started it It's going to make it worse now because men are going to start thinking

oh well Karen in sales always puts a kiss on the ear It's Martin in booth 4 I'm worried about it I'm so happy that Martin sent in We should just say that the survey came from a website called whatsyourprice.com

It does sound like it is a dating website, so it sounds like... What's your price is a dating website. Yeah, it does sound like it might be a... I don't like the sound of that. I've got a vested interest in it. I'll tell you what I do like the sound of. Email

Corner I'm back in the Punjab. Email Corner. I'm back in the Punjab. So, we had other emails. We did. We did. We've had an email from James Florey. He says, hi, Frank, Alan and the lovely Emily.

I've been looking for an excuse to email in and I thought this might be of interest. And this was a link to a story about the world's shortest man meeting the world's shortest woman. Oh, excellent. Also, I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring if Emily would ever like to visit Seattle. Yoy! And also, I don't like the sound of... That sounds like a euphemism. I'd like to throw my hat

in the ring. Oh, it's a lovely, sweet story about littlest man meeting littlest woman and then it turns sordid again. Night's move. But we should, the world's shortest man. Seattle? Yes, Seattle. Very rainy, apparently. I mean, is that better than some of the

other rendezvous, like Hitchin and Letchworth? I won't be going to Letchworth. No. No. I won't do that. You could literally be sleepless in Seattle at night. Oh, yeah. What a lovely thing, though, the littlest man meets the littlest woman. Chandra Bahadur Dangi?

There'd be a hope, wouldn't there, that they might get on and... Isn't that quite a big age gap, though? Yeah. He's about 73, Chandra Bahadur Dangi. Yeah, but, you know... And Jyoti Amgi. I think she's only early 20s, is she? Yeah, but they've got other compatibility.

Well, the fact that they both travel hand luggage. That's something in cotton, isn't it? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank.

Emily. We've had an email in during the week, and this is from Callum Mortimer, who's 18. Callum, 18? Blimey. He's from North Marston. I don't know where that is. That sounds Scottish. Is that the same Marston as in Marston Moor, the Great Battle of the English Civil War? Oh, I don't know, but fabulous knowledge expressed. If Callum's 18, he probably won't remember that anyway, will he?

No, but I bet he did at school. If he lives in Marst and he lives in the Sines. He would have done it in his books. We did a lot of the Luddites, because they were knocking about where I was at school. Oh, there you go. Anyway. We mainly did Enoch Powell the biog. He was local.

Pray continue. He was. He was Wolverhampton East or something like that. we mainly did Enoch Powell the biog he was local pray continue he was he was Wolverhampton East or something like that well our cup runneth over because we were London you had everything we had it all Callum wants to know

whatever happened to the Frank Skinner slash John Barrowman real life sitcom thing you talked about in the past I'm eager to hear I've no recollection of this. Someone sent me,

someone I know actually, sent me an idea for a sitcom. I mean, did a full treatment called Frankie and Johnny in which I discover that from doing a sort of a

who do you think you are type show that John Batterman is a close relative. And he starts turning up at lots of things i do and wants to hang around with me and i'm not sure about it that's the premise for the show it's one of the i i mean i i wrote back to him i don't know if this is a brilliant idea or a terrible idea and i've never been sure of that and in fact just a few weeks ago he said re frankie and

he sent me something about something he said re, re-Frankie or Johnny, brilliant or terrible, made your mind up. And I haven't. But it would be. Remember we talked about shows that got made just because of the name. There is an element. I'm just waiting for the show I do with Rick Stein. the show I do with Rick Stein.

Or maybe one in which Frank Skinner investigates the world great perfumes. Oh, yeah. Frankincense. I'm Sky Plus-ing that never to be deleted. Never to be deleted. That is... I think that would be... I know it's used on it's that

blue button isn't it on sky plus but wouldn't it be a lovely thing on valentine's cards and oh that's nice frank i love you and use the never to be deleted sorry right as opposed to like dictated not read yes dictated not read wasn't that adolfolf Hitler's CV? So anyway, I was all set to go and see West Brom Everton. Oh, the tough eight. And I'm going to have to go to the dentist instead, because now that the painkiller has worn off, I am actually in quite a bit of pain. Oh, fine.

But you know, showbiz, doctor theatre, doctor radio. Doctor feel good, I say. So thank God Everton West Brom is live on Absolute Radio. Today I'll be able to listen to it on there. OK, Mark Crossley is next. And if the good Lord spares us and the Greek... The Greeks again. Yeah, the Greeks.

Why don't they just put their hands in their pockets and shut up? And the Creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. It's lovely to be back. And you know what? I love you all. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.