The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Awards Season

Episode Date: February 22, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is back and on top form and he fills Emily and Alun in on his new garggling technique! The team discuss this week's awards, day dreaming and petty rows.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. Hey, text the show on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the Absolute Radio website. You choose. YouTube. YouTube. Oh, extraordinary start to the show.

We're on everything. Yeah. Frank, it's very nice to have you back. I don't like you being off. Yeah, you say that, but you get to sit in Daddy's chair. That's the best view of the telly. Oh, I like Daddy's chair. Oh, yeah, I know you do. I can tell.

I've made it nice and warm for you. Well, you feel it admirably, I must say. How dare you? It's very nice. Oh, I didn't mean that. Yeah, I noticed the sidearm seemed to be a little further apart than they were. No, it is lovely to be back. I think it was Gary...

Oh, no. Sorry, everyone. Maybe it was Gary... Who knows? Sorry, everyone. Maybe it was Gary Newman. No, we didn't know. Gary Newbon said. What was wrong? Can I establish? Can I just say at this point,

we need to establish some sort of euphemistic phrase for when you're next deal. Because I didn't quite know what was wrong. I didn't want to alarm the readers or the nation um and in my confusion um i ended up calling daisy daily because i just so didn't know what to say um but what was you had you had a sore throat is that right but the problem is because it's the day daisy's surname is night so daily night yeah that that's that is confusing isn't it obviously there is a daily night. That is confusing, isn't it? Obviously, there is a daily night, if you think about it. Yeah.

But if you think about it too long, it can really hurt your head a bit. Because one often separates the bigger form of day into day and night, one becomes confused by that concept. Well, basically, my voice had gone. You can probably still hear the vapour trail of my illness. Yeah. So, yeah, I spent much of the week, well, gargling. No.

I saw two different doctors accidentally. They just happened to come to the stand-up show I was doing. Oh. And they came backstage after and said, your voice sounds terrible, you should gargle soluble aspirin. So that's what I did. They both said the same thing. That's good.

Yeah. If one of them had said gargle soluble aspirin and the other had said, whatever you do, do not gargle soluble aspirin, that's a thing that other doctors say and it's terrible. For the first time in my life, and accidentally, I got what could only be termed the second opinion brilliant yeah so i did it um although i bought now here's the thing i bought soluble aspirin but it wasn't soluble aspirin oh what was it it's either some guy called

spider in west london they've either changed the name of soluble aspirin or there are variations on solubility. Right. But it was called dispersible aspirin. Oh, no way. And it knew it did what soluble aspirin did. But I did think, well, have I got the wrong, does this not, does this spread a bit more? Do you know what? I think that's like Calvin Classic pants.

Do you think? Yeah. It's not the real one. Oh, no. Was it cheaper? Yeah. You've given it away. I'll have to gargle it.

Now, gargling, though, I've never gargled so much in my life. Oh, welcome to my world. No, but I'll tell you what I realised. I realised that there's a bit more to gargling than you might think. You think you just, you know, have somebody go, oh, there's quite a few techniques. That's a lovely thing that you did then, isn't it? If you gargle three times a day,

it's a bit like, you know the old outliers, 20,000 hours? Yes. By the end of the week, my gargling was, it's a bit like keepy-oppy gargling, but with liquid. I was really quite, I was doing all sorts of variations. I found that if you made a noise, you know, if you sort of went,

instead of just... that it changed the bits of the throat that you... Like a kazoo. Yeah, a bit like a kazoo. I found that I've Got A Friend In Jesus was the ideal... You would. It seemed to cover...

Yeah, it's true, though. It seemed to cover everything. So it's... How's the romantic side of your relationship with Kath going? Well, I didn't do it in the kitchen. I went into the privacy of the toilet. Poor Kath. Poor woman.

But it's... I think gargling, if there's any children listening, I think gargling is to... You know children listening, I think gargling is to... You know when you're at school and you play the recorder and then that point comes, if you're doing all right, the teacher says, I think you could switch to the clarinet. I think with gargling, someone...

I'm worried where this is going. Someone could say, you know what, I think you're ready to yodel. Oh! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The other thing, the other thing I had was I had a really bad bat

last week. That wouldn't have stopped me doing the show, but it was. How bad was it? Well, put it this way, it was made worse by gargling. Because the arching of the back yeah we want a terrible vicious circle i found myself trapped in yeah so how much do you watch so the work you have to arch quite a bit otherwise yeah you know yeah i do he does it lying on the floor and he

gargles just pulls his head back he's got like a fountain of mouthwash that he gargles with. I can't gargle because I'm paranoid about the neighbours. I mean, I say that. I don't mind them seeing me taking the bins out in a rabbit onesie. But still... None of that was a euphemism, by the way, this was. What you should do is do it in a fox onesie. So they think it's like a fox getting in the bins. Yeah, I just wear my urban fox pyjamas.

I spilt red wine on the rabbit ones. It was awful. Looked like it was all stripped down. Why would they mind the gargling, though? Just because it's a bit of an unpleasant sound. I'm going to tell you. See, I don't feel that anymore. I feel it's an acquired skill.

And why did the back affect the gargling that much so how bad is the back well it's better now but it was really and the trouble was people would say to me you know what happened to your back and i'm i made a point i think on the show a while back that when you get older yeah injuries don't come with an anecdote anymore so people say uh young people say to you oh bad back what happened then you go nothing i to you, oh, bad back, what happened? And you go, nothing. I just, a bad back happened. I don't have an exciting, oh, I had a couple of drinks and we're trying to get out of this wall. And these guys, there was these guys and Giles said to me, oh, come on, there's some really good grass back at my house. And

then I fell off the, I don't have any of those. You just wake up and think, ow. That's how it goes. I'm still reeling from the idea of you having a friend called Giles. That's somebody else telling the story. Well, Dudley. Obviously, but, yeah, so I had a cough and back. Oh, thanks. Cough and back.

Yeah, I wrote the tales of Hoffman. That's the first ever Jacques Offenbach joke. I think there's been on Absolute Radio Yeah, I didn't get it That's alright, I'm just glad it exists Yeah, if that's what you want It's like modern art and experimental theatre You don't have to enjoy it, I'm just glad it exists

I've had some strange tweets come in I wonder how many times the cockerel Will crow Venn diagram this week Anyone else notice how often he says it? Oh, really? Oh, is that one of your phrases? Must be one of my go-to phrases. But the idea of the cockerel crowing has made me think

it'd be worth watching him gargle. Would it have an element of... You could feel self-conscious gargling in front of you. You would in front of me, because I know about gargling. Yeah, don't you? I'd be saying, oh, you're a bit low on the Larry. i think you're sounding a

bit toppy yeah yeah exactly yeah you need to just take the take the edge off that it's my advice well you know you know you watch the winter olympics and you do get that sense if i really put some time in on any one of these events i could medal in four years time yeah someone got a gold after doing it for five years that's not happening in the world cup is it no there's a lot of that going on vanessa may yeah vanessa may skiing no but thanks for the tip absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio frank you know we haven't discussed this morning?

There were lots of stuff. Well, the Brits and the Baftas. Ah, yes. Because it was awards week, you may have been at home in bed. Is it what they call the awards season? Very much so. Well done for getting that right. Good. Caroline Scanlon has tweeted us,

Please can the panel discuss the insightful comments from the Arctic Monkeys at the Brits? Yes, well, in case you didn't see this, Alex Turner... Oh, well done, Leflay. The old guy did good. I feel like I should be on a sort of petrol-powered lawnmower and dungarees at this stage. See, he called Alex Turner,

that dude. Yeah, he got up with these monkey men. He did. And he did now, to be fair. What do you feel of the monkeys? Well, I think, you know, they're all right. They're actually busy singing to put anybody down. Yeah, well, that's true.

They're not as good as those monkeys. No. Let's get that right. They're actually busy singing to put anybody down. Yeah, well, that's true. They're not as good as those wonkies. No. Let's get that right. But they've adopted an arctic role. Oh, lovely. But he got up and he speaks, he was a bit different. He'd obviously written and learned a sort of slightly poetic speech, which I liked. Did you? Yeah, I understand. I mean, let's face it, you don't hear much poetry at the Brits. No. One thing, whenever I watch the Brits, I always think to myself, I'm really glad I'm in comedy. Do you?

Because I find comedians to be bright, intelligent, witty and generally good-hearted people. The music business is a fall magnet i don't think there's any debate about that i mean it is i think you're right a gathering of falls one after the next and you just spend your time wondering what the collective noun is well yes none of them paid any attention at school. A Brit award ceremony of fools. A Brit of fools, yeah. But so when he got, at least he did have, I mean, don't get me wrong,

it was poetry that one might receive on a greetings card from a 15-year-old. Was it? But even so, it was about rock and roll and about you can't, rock and roll will never die, which I think is a sentiment that may have been voiced before. But he didn't just come up and say, thanks very much.

He did a bit of a poem and respect to him for, you know, for at least doing that. On the night, you know, he was the Shakespeare of the evening. But then, this was, I think, the controversial bit. He had us holding a microphone. He was. And he said, I think, the controversial bit. Yeah. He was holding a microphone. He was. And he said, invoice me for the mic. And then he dropped it on the floor.

Oh. Yeah. I didn't like that. You can't help thinking that young boys who like the Arctic Monkeys all over Britain now will be grabbing the school microphone in a seminar and saying, invoice be grabbing the school microphone in assembly and saying, invoice me for the mic. And a lot of them won't be that registered.

That's true. The invoices will be... They might have their own car companies. They'll be an administrative nightmare, the invoices. Yeah. The number of Shure SM58s that are going to be being invoiced for across the nation is going to be awful.

Well, good knowledge, Al. Do you know that made me quite attracted to you that you knew that brand of mic? Because I don't know any mics. I think on the night, relatively speaking, I thought they'd come out of it. Apart from the mic thing, which is, at the end of the day, public vandalism.

Apart from that, he did come out as someone who could speak if prodded. I tell you, well, it just made me feel old. I agree with you and I agree with all your sentiments but I think I'd like to reserve a large portion of the show

to discuss Prince. Now, I would like that because I missed the Prince thing. You know my views on him. I missed him in the 80s and I because I missed the Prince thing. OK, you know my views on him. I missed him in the 80s and I missed him again the other night. Oh, you didn't miss much. So I'm going to play...

I'm actually going to play a track of my own choice, which is, I think, the cue for our readers to make tea and go and see if the papers have landed on the lawn. And then please clue me in on um uh the artist once again known as prince you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from absolute radio before we continue to uh emily's rant about prince well is it going to be a rant i suspect i suspect it might be one it could favorites. It could be a homage. I could be involved with him.

For all you know. Okay. The Prince and the Drama Queen. Oh, lovely. That's the headline, there you go. I see Laurence Olivier in that. Yeah. We've had an email in that I think displays

some ignorance of the situation here. Dear Frank, Emily and the cock rain, spelled incorrectly. The cock rain? Yeah, C-O-C-R-A-I-N. That's one of the worst misspellings of it ever. Oh, come on. People are joining in. OK. I was wondering if any of you went to the... Well, that's been said before it ended in tears.

Yeah. I was wondering if any of you went to the Brit Well, that's been said before it ended in tears. Yeah. I was wondering if any of you went to the Brit Awards this week or if you watched it on television. The email then goes on to slag off James Corden a little bit. I'm not going to read that bit just because it's a bit mean. But they continue. Anyway... James Corden, wider than a mile. Lovely singing voice there.

Anyway, he's now not doing it anymore, which leads me to my question, dot, dot, dot. There is now a job vacancy for next year. I feel this show needs someone with confidence, a bit of age, and someone who could command respect from their audience with an added touch of humour thrown in for good measure. Speak to my agent.

Someone very quick-witted, also someone who loves music and all of a sudden I was thinking of you, Frank. So, firstly, if you were asked to do it, would you? Secondly, if you didn't want to do it, why not? And who would you nominate? Well, the thing is... I have done it. And it didn't go that well.

So, I... I don't know if they'd ask me back, to be honest. I think that's the first time that bit of music has ever been needed since I joined this show, so... I know, that's because I've stopped aging. I'm sort of using it to fill some of the long pauses you leave. But... No, I...

Would I do it again? That's the question, question isn't it would i go back and think hey yeah what a challenge i can remember it so well do you not want to go down memory lane i remember it quite well yeah i can remember exactly the clothes you had on yes i can remember the waist coat uh union jack waistcoat well it was a shirt, actually. How was it? A specially made Union Jack shirt. A satin, silver satin effect suit. It was, yes, yes. Well, it had to take quite a lot of sweat to see if it went on. And some blood. Can I ask you a question, Frank?

Why is the Brits so difficult? Why did you... Why is it such an awful gig? Because the music business is a full magnet. I might as well have walked out into, you know, a Friday night crowd in an average town of drunken fools. Yeah. And started talking to them about the poetry of Philip Larkin.

But, you know, you can't always blame your crowd. At the end of the day, it just went badly. Misjudged and awful. Oh, God, this has really backfired, hasn't it? No, I'm just happy that some people have forgotten. It feels like we're in this psychiatrist's chair now. This is my favourite three minutes of radio ever. Yes.

You know, Frank, we do need to talk about prince okay well i think i may have mentioned before i hate prince i'm sorry i know it's not popular opinion i think he's so overrated i think he's a sex pest i think he can't spell can we say that that obviously is uh is a sort of uh yeah hyperbole and a poetic insight, not an actual literal accusation. Anyway. Has he still got that 14-year-old boy's moustache? I'll tell you exactly what he's got. OK.

He's decided his image... I don't know what's happened to him. His clothes were awful anyway. But he's now... And the hair! Is that my grandma? He's decided to go for a different look, a bit boho. So he wears a polo neck.

He's 55. He has a fedora, a polo neck. Used to be a thing with actors, though. When they got a bit older, they would wear a roll neck sweater to cover their turkey throats. Well, that's what I think he's doing. Purple polo neck. It's very Clive Don, that polo neck.

Polo neck, waistcoat and pendant. OK. It's very North West London drama teacher. It's very older, wiser man in Emmanuel films. I just think find a new look. Well, he has found a new look, hasn't he? No, but it's not the right look. I think shop a new look. Well, he has found a new look, hasn't he? No, but it's not the right look. I think shop at new look.

That's my advice to him. New, noi look. Yeah, like I say, I don't know who he is, Prince. I was drunk when he emerged, and then he went into a big sulk and became a symbol for a while. Oh, he's always sulking. He painted on the moustache as well. Did he?

Yeah. That don't make him a bad person. Groucho Marx did that. But no, I don't know what Prince is about, but he seems to have a fervent following there. Oh, they love him, these people. These people love him. Yeah, he's like royalty to them.

Do you think that's... That's what it is. Yeah, he's like royalty to them. Do you think that's...? That's what it is. Yeah, we can... Let's workshop that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Had a couple of texts in. The day the Triffids music would be ideal for gargling, I imagine. That's... That'd be a tricky one. Isn't that a reference to Emily appearing in that? Oh, is it? Somebody that knows. I'm just assuming. I think they're just suggesting that if you were to recreate that...

Because it's got that... I do too, but I thank you for reminding everyone of that. It's good that I am your sort of audio IMDB, isn't it? We've also had Frank. I'd forgotten about you presenting the bit. Brits, thanks for the reminder. The uncomfortable bilious feeling I had at the time has returned and put me off my bacon and egg party.

Yeah, imagine what my uncomfortable bilious feeling was like. Don't come crying to me. Oh, Frank. It's all right. I thought you did a lovely job. Everyone has to have a... You know, look at George Clooney and Monument Men. Yeah.

What is it? Everyone has a... Everyone has that in their back catalogue. Yes. Well, of course, you know, he was in ER, wasn't he? Let's not forget that he was great in ER. Mm. Yes.

Strange conversation. You know, there used to be an old black country joke when I was a lad. You're going to do ER? Do you know that one? Yeah. Yeah black country joke when i was a lad you're gonna do er yeah okay i won't do it oh i feel really upset for him i've got a bilious feeling hey we need to talk about the baftas as well did you watch the other prince that's more up your straws frank let's be honest i did watch the baftas did you like the other prince. That's more up your strata, Frank. Let's be honest. I did watch the BAFTAs. Did you like? The other prince was involved, wasn't he? Well, he was. So it was a terrible incident.

Tinny, Tinny Temper. Tinny Temper. Well, if he's going to insist on misspelling it, then he gets called Tinny. He's called Tiny. All right. Tiny Temper. He high-fived the future king. Well, he actually, to be fair, Prince William high-fived him oh really oh i don't know

no i thought he got the high five right and tiny temper sort of grabbed his hand you know when when you have that terrible combo some one person's high five he sort of grabbed the hand oh no he grabbed the raised flat hand oh yeah but also had been singing, you know when they go a bit dry, your eyes make it a bit ballady? Had he been doing one of those, but it was all a bit, all you sucker MCs? Yeah. I don't know if it was appropriate. No, it wasn't. I loved the ceremony, though, I have to say.

Because I like to see the frocks, you see. And for me... A lot of black frocks this year. Well, well spotted, Alan Cochran. Thank you, Cochran. A lot of black. And a lot of black frocks this year well well spotted alan cochran thank you a lot of black and a lot of men wearing black and white and a black tie brangelina black tie do brangelina brangelina pretty little thing brangelina dance brangelina sing brangelina sing was a girl i went to school with. Yeah.

If they were friends of yours, you could have that one. They rung you. That could be like their incoming tone. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. I imagine they ring as a pair. Yeah. I don't know. Well, they dress as a pair. I think they share a phone, yeah.

I wish they'd worn one suit. One big black tie suit. One rabbit onesie. Walked in like madness, you know, with the synchronised walk. That would have been great. It's about time they embraced the humour of their relationship. What do you boys think of that, as men? I felt the woman in the tux, because they had matching tuxedos

designed by Saint-Hero, Saint-Hero. No, his was someone else, I'm sure. What? I'm sure his was somebody else's. Oh, dear. Blimey, what? What's happened to him? You've been his was somebody else's. Oh, dear. Blimey, what happened to him? You've been drinking out of Anna Wintour's cup.

Well, I thought he looked magnificent. And I was surprised when it said that she was 39 and he was 50. Brad Pitt's 50. Get away. He looks good. He looks amazing. Hold on. He looks hot off the press.

Oh, look. Brad Pitt looks good. Oh, yeah, Brad Pitt. Come to think of it, he's quite a good hot off the press. Brad Pitt looked good. Oh, yeah, Brad Pitt, come to think of it, he's quite a good-looking bloke. Gorge! Yeah? Who knew? That's never struck me before, I must say. It really struck me, looking at those pictures.

Oh, dear. You know what I don't know if I'd want to go on holiday with them. Don't you? I don't know if they'd be sizzling conversation lists. Oh, I think they're quite bright. They're damn. Yeah. Does she still wear a file of...

Dame Judy had the tapestry scarf. Jenny Murray. Dame Judy looked absolutely furious. Not to be the best actress. I mean, honestly, I thought she's going to break a bottle on the table in a minute and say, you better not come anywhere near me with this. She looked as angry as anyone's ever looked about anything. Oh, dear.

Well, you've got previous with her after I ate the ivy, which I still think you misinterpreted that. She looked like she'd eschewed the offer of wine and said, actually, can I just have a sarsen's malt vinegar before they announced it? She looked honest. This senseless feud has got to stop. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Jennifer Lawrence didn't turn up. I hate it when they don't turn up. Yeah, they should. I just think don't give it to them if they don't turn up. There's people there that would love that award. I turned up.

I was offered Rarer offered rear of the year. The year before. On a very similar note. The year before I won it, I was offered rear of the year, and I couldn't make the ceremony, and they withdrew the offer and gave it to Richard Fairbreath. Did they?

Yeah. What, is he... I'm too sexy? Hang on, does he... Hang on, hang on, hang on. Does he know that now? Oh, well, I... Does he already know?

I don't think he listens, does he? I imagine it's a light riser on a Saturday. Just don't tell him, because that's not going to make him feel good. I think he's up late on a Friday night. He told us that off air. He was dancing to High Energy at 3am this morning. I think we can safely say he won't be listening. Can I ask you a question about Richard Fairbrass?

Not something I ever thought I'd say on this show. Does he wear the trilby, if you know what I mean? Does he have to wear the trilby? Or was there choice involved there? Well, he was always bald, don't worry. That's what I mean. Was there choice? You can mull it over.

OK, thanks. Mull it over. Yeah. Can I just say Prince William made a classic comedian's error. Oh, what's that? Well, if you're a comedian and you're on later in the bill, it's very wise to watch the earlier comedians because they're liable to do a joke, especially topical stuff.

They're liable to do a joke and then you'll do a similar joke later and the audience feel that down. And very early on, Stephen Fry, one might say that Stephen Fry should have left this joke to Prince William. But anyway, he went on and said, Helen Mirren is here this evening, and she's with her grandson. And it was a joke about Prince William being there. And then Prince William came out after and said,

oh, the woman I should call Granny. And you can tell that laugh was ha-ha-ha-ha rather than people think we've already had that joke. It was a bit someone laughing at Kim Jong-un's jokes. It was terrible. There used to be a comedian called Owen O'Neill. I remember he arrived at the... Was he Irish? Yeah, he arrived at the

comedy store and he was on before someone else and they said to him, are you doing anything about Salman Rushdie? And he said, what can I do? Which I always liked. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215, because you're good at it. We know that from the past. Or you can follow the show on Twitter, Frank on the Radio, or directly email us to the Absolute Radio website. Do what? That was a bit William Hartnell.

So we need to... Anyway. Why did he get his words wrong, William Hartnell? Because telly was virtually live in those days. So they used to record like a 15-minute chunk. I love it. And they'd just have to do it straight through. So if you fluffed, it just stayed in.

Those were the days. Yeah, but it was tough on... He was 53, which then... It's like in new money, that's like 88. OK. OK. We're not allowed to talk about Doctor Who, I remember, in the middle of all that.

We can occasionally. Yes. I see Doctor Who every week., in the middle of all that. We can occasionally. Yes. I see Doctor Who every week. I can't go into it. I see dead people. Can we go into Email Corner? Yeah. Because I missed you there last week.

Oh, can we go? I listened to it last week with the, why don't you do blankety blank? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Made me think maybe we could tour live and do this show live. What about that speak to my people also

sorry I want to go back to last week just to prove I was listening Blankety Blank the theme tune Blankety Blank Blankety Blank Blankety Blank Blankety Blank Blank Blankety Blank. Mm-hmm. The theme tune. Yeah. Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank. Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank. Blank, Blank. Mm-hmm.

Et cetera. What did one man, did one man write that? Or did one man write the music and someone else write the words? I don't know, but I'm... Because if I'd written the music, I'd be a bit miffed about having to give half the money to a bloke who's just gone Blankety Blank, Blety-blank, blankety-blank. Do you think it was the same person? I think it must have been.

And also, if I'd come up with the title of the show, I'd have said, well, shouldn't I get the words? Didn't they have any other lyrics? Oh, they had Supermatch Game. I can't imagine that the title of the show was covered for the music and then they applied the show to it. Surely they had the show format of blankety-blank first. I just think as lyrics go... Yeah, it is... Could do better. It is sparse, I'll grant you that.

Could do better. There's not enough doing words in there, as we would say to my son. You need some more doing words and describing words and all that sort of thing. very good thing to say anyway we are in email corner the eagle has landed well we're in email corner but tom is still insisting on referring him to himself as 571 nice prisoner style um this is tom who's the sender of the email okay but he's still using the 571 moniker but i'm happy with that yeah i like that uh dear frank emily and alan regarding frank's great dislike of the film donnie darko we've established already that you don't like this film he's your prince isn't he

well it was it wasn't i was harsh on the film because so many people said to me oh god you gotta you'll love it you'll love it that was'll love it. That was the problem. And you didn't. To the point where he was offended by those that recommended the film to him, I think it's probably likely that the film only reminded people of Frank because the weird giant rabbit man in the film is called Frank. Therefore, he seeped into

their subconscious. Just a theory. Long-time reader, first-time writer, Tom. What do you think of that? That's what people keep telling me. There's a drugs helpline I'd really like. Yeah. Yeah, that sort of makes sense. A lot of people recommend films with Alan Alda in them to me. Do they?

Yeah, I wonder if it's an Alan thing. Alan comic book. I always get Emmanuel recommended to me. But he's Alan. Nothing to do with my name, though. Is he Alan, though? You're Alun. That's right, yeah.

You'd need Alun Armstrong. I would, yeah. I'd need a Welsh Alun, don't I you're alone that's right you'd need alan armstrong yes what you need um it's uh you know what though i i'm thinking maybe i should give donnie darko a second chance because i was so i was more tied up in how people uh view me that i thought you know that was what i was worried about but in fact i should have just judged it on the film and i'm all for giving things a second chance yeah but i just i think it's the people that like that film that i object to it's a lot of men in black eyeliner yeah but like the go to that film isn't it but i mean i remember the first time i tried on uh trainer socks it's a bit Science Geeks, that film.

Trainer socks. Trainer socks. I put one on and I thought, I hate that, it looks terrible. You mean the shortened socks? Yeah, you know, the trainer socks that don't show above the trainer. Yeah. And I put one of them on and I thought, no, never. Put the second one on and I thought, they actually look all right.

It's all about giving things a second chance. It's like eyebrow threading. Eyebrow threading. First time I just thought, this is torture. Second time I thought, this is torture, but I look great. So I stuck with it. I mean, there's so many things in life where one thinks, this is torture, but I look great.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, anything that makes you look great is torture, basically. Is it? Yeah. Isn't it? Exercise, surgery, dieting. you look great is torture, basically. Is it? Yeah. Isn't it? Exercise, surgery, dieting. Oh, yeah. Waxing.

I mean, I thought after my first full body wax that I would never do it again. Oh, yeah. I think you... I mean, I didn't want to say it at the time. I didn't think it suited you, the full body wax. Tell you what, it's fixed the belly button fluff problem, though. It really has. Yeah, but I just thought you looked... You look synthetic. I've said it it's fixed the belly button fluff problem though. It really has. Yeah,

but I just thought you looked, you looked synthetic. I've said it. I think I'm more streamlined though, the way I move, faster. Oh,

I didn't hear any of your usual swishing. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was still residing in Email Corner for a while. We certainly stopped off there. I've got out of the car.

Let's put it that way. Hello, Frank. I've got my legs out. Oh. Out of the car. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm a long-time reader, first-time resident of Email Corner. There was some chat on the show a few weeks ago

about stepping on things after Frank stepped on Duplo for the first time. Yes, I think I talked about my mate's auntie who stepped on a 3-pin plug, stepped off a chair onto a 3-pin plug. Oh, yeah. This is a daily occurrence in my life as I work at a community centre with young children. However,

this is nothing compared to what happened to me whilst I was working as a summer camp counsellor in California. It almost needs a dun- dun there doesn't it i like this summer camp in california it's gone very charlie brown i was the only counselor 22 at the time 22 is not old enough to be a counselor is it you don't know enough about the world to counsel i don't think i agree i'm gonna say it living with a cabin full ofyear-old girls and we didn't often clean up after ourselves. This is a woman, is it? This is Lindsay from Toronto.

Thank God. Well, Lindsay S-A-Y. So, jury's out. Oh, OK. One day, while running out of the cabin late for a programme, I stepped on an upturned hairbrush with metal bristles that was lying on the floor next to my bed. The metal bristles pierced the sole of my shoe Wow.

Wow. this. I spent the next three weeks on crutches and had to be rushed to hospital for a tetanus shot and for a medical professional to examine the 10 to 15 puncture wounds on my foot. I would rather than ask them to pull it out, I'd say, can you put another one in the other foot? And can someone get Ravel's Bolero up on Spotify? And I would give them a glorious demonstration and be with me lying full stretched on the floor. With bleeding feet and two hairbrushes sticking out of them. Yeah. Gross.

Yeah, it's interesting. It doesn't... Does it sound painful? I'm sure it is painful. It does to me, yeah. Anyway, carry on. She says, thank... Oh, she or probably...

Probably she, I think. Thankfully I avoided infection and have lived another two years to tell my tale. Congratulations. I like the lack of total optimism. Exactly. So far, so good. Never will a metal bristled brush be tolerated in my presence again.

Oh, strict. Thanks, Lindsay24Toronto. P.S. Bieber's homeland says hello, and Emily, you are a ledge. Oh, thank you very much. You are a ledge. Yeah. He's certainly got a ledge. I'd imagine that if you stood on a hairbrush and it went through,

you'd get that wad of, you know that wad of hair? Oh, yeah. That'd be a nice cushion, though. Yeah. I'm wondering if this was how Nike hairs were invented. It's like that perhaps they were originally called spiky hairs yeah

you know I have so much of that lying I spend all day doing that getting it out of hair brushes and I could actually stuff cushions with the amount of hair that I gather if you gathered it you could sell it for wigs horse hair how dare you horse hair in wigs well it for wigs. They use horse hair in it. How dare you?

Horse hair in wigs. Well, for horse wigs. Isn't it horse hair that they use? Emily will know. They don't use horse hair in wigs. What are you talking about? I thought they used horse hair in wigs. No, they use real people hair.

Do they? We'll discuss it off air. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's quite a big business, the real people hair wigs. Is it? Oh, God. I've got a business card somewhere.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We just had some clarifications through regarding horsehair wigs. You know, Alan said he thought horsehair went into wigs. I didn't go away thinking, oh, I wonder if he's right.

I went away thinking, why did he say that? Well, in fairness... I thought wigs were made of horsehair. That'd be rough. That didn't be coarse. In fairness, it's not rank stupidity because Claire Tompkins says... I never said it was rank stupidity.

Oh, I did. Claire Tompkins said horsehair never said it was rank stupidity. Oh, I did. Claire Tompkins said horse hair is for upholstering furniture. Someone called Brainy Chat says horse hair wigs are those ringlet-y things that used to be worn by lawyers, Alan. Actually, point of order, it's barristers who wear them, but never mind Brainy Chat. I'm already thinking of writing a sitcom about comedy cab drivers called Rank Stupidity. I'm already thinking of writing a sitcom about comedy cab drivers called Ranked Stupidity.

I knew you would be. I like that. Anyway, well, I'm glad we've cleared that up. I suggested to Adrian Childs yesterday, you know that we did Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Know that you did it. I've got it on Sky Plus

never to be deleted. And the thing, the one that we got wrong is what is a cataphile. Sorry, cataphiles go into catacombs under which famous city. And I thought it was Rome and it was Paris. That was awful. Like I said, save the lifeline, because we'll save it when we get to a million. Yeah.

Oh, no. But I had an idea that we should do a documentary, me and Adrian, in which we go and investigate the catacombs under Paris, purely based on our sort of constant, ongoing conversations about getting that question wrong, as a way of getting it out of our system. Isn't that great. That sounds like a star-led documentary in the making,

doesn't it? Yeah. I like the idea. You're sort of Wallace and Gromit of the archaeology world. But going and doing it just based on getting that question wrong, I'm really nagging at us. I think it's got to... It's like your rosebud, both of you. You're keeping my rosebud out of it.

I showed it you once, and not for you to go on talking about it. We should move on to a story that has caught my eye. Oh, I'm liking the sound of this. Very close to my heart. Very Anne Diamond on Sky News. Well, it might not when I start reading it. Okay. Diamond on Sky News. Well, it might not when I start reading it. OK. I'm tempted to say, have you heard the one about?

But it's not a joke. It's absolutely true. There was a wedding brawl. You should say, I am reminded of me. In West Yorkshire, which began over a pork pie. Police were called. A couple's wedding celebrations were interrupted by a brawl that is thought to have started over a pork pie. And 30 or 40 guests were involved in the disturbance.

There was a big fight. I like that you're using the disturbance. My favourite quote in it is, the bride was devastated. Her dress was ruined. She had a lovely big white gown and it had beer and WKD all over it. That's like when I stayed in the Arsenal team hotel. Oh, is it? If you had a lovely big white gown.

I don't think that's ruined. Surely that's somewhat improved. Someone could have slurped out, couldn't they? They don't wear them again, now, do they, the big white gowns? No, but... Well, it depends. My mate, who's really into coffee, he quite often asks for a pour-over. Your mate's really into coffee?

Yeah. George Clooney? Yeah, that's right. George Clooney! Me and George Clooney go way back um he was in uh always and everyone with me when i played jason the asthmatic but uh you know my mate was really into coffee he has pour overs have you heard about that that's where you they basically pour it through like a muslin cloth or something but that this could be like an alcohol is he strung out he's all strung out on caffeine um this could be like an alcohol... Has he strung out?

He's all strung out on caffeine. This could be like an alcohol version where you pour beer and WKD through a wedding gown and just slurp it off. I see. It might be quite nice. It might be a nice ritual on the wedding night to drink stuff strained through the wedding robe. Lovely.

What was the dispute about the port party? Well, I don't know, but can I tell you the groom... I told you don't get trellis top. Frank, the groom had a shaven head. And we know where we stand on these shaven-headed people. I'm alright with shaven-headed people. I bet there was an entire

table that was just devil dogs sitting on that. With just dog food on that table. That's my theory. We'll come back to this wedding, I think. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every

Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I'm offering to do the photography Amanda for you if you go to the catacombs. Nice. Included her website.

The lighting's going to be tricky down there. Yeah, but you and Adrian aren't difficult to light. No, I don't know. If you light Adrian wrongly in an underground cavern... Oh, what do we mean? That's going to be like Phantom of the Opera.

Oh, don't be horrible. He loves it, really. Oh, Doug. I've been trying to get to the bottom of what happened in this fight. Thanks. And apparently it all started with a water pistol and then a pork pie got thrown. Oh.

I didn't realise it was a thrown pork pie. I thought the whole thing was about the wrong pork pie. Somebody going, I asked for gala pie! You know, the one with the slice of egg in it. Why would anyone fall out over carbs? Awful. Pork pie's mainly protein, surely. Oh, have you seen a pork pie recently?

They make much meat in it. Yeah, I think you're taking the word pork very literally. There's a lot of pastry. If someone throws a pork pie, there's going to be trouble, isn't there? Yeah. They're looking for bother. Well, you know that shaven-headed groom that I spoke of earlier, for some contempt, even though I've never met him?

His surname's Barraclough. He's a good northern bloke, isn't he? His quote was, It was a brilliant day. You've got to expect a punch-up at a wedding. Yeah, he took it well. A little insight into his soul there. Well, I wonder if Chinese people read this story

and think it's about time they started throwing their own food at weddings. Yeah. There's also a nice bit where the venue gave them their deposit back because the fight broke out. Now, I just think that's incentivising fights for other people that go there. No, I thought the couple had given their deposit back to the venue to say that they were sorry about the fight. That's how I understood it.

Well, it says here, we gave the bride and groom their deposit back. If Ryan Barraclough's listening, maybe he could text us in and put us right on the fax. It says here, we gave the bride and groom their deposit back as a gesture because they were so upset. And then... Then they weren't upset. I've made the most terrible error.

It's quite a petty thing to fight over, though, isn't it? The old pork pie. If you got hit by a pork pie, you'd be up and fighting, let's face it. Yeah, it's like John Prescott, innit? He got hit by an egg and he lashed out. It's the same thing. It didn't take much for him to lash, though. Someone throws foodstuffs at you, they're not making an omelette.

If it had been a posh wedding, I could have understood it, because someone could have said, you have to throw the bouquet, and they could have thought you have to you have to throw the poke poke pay they could have thought they'd said that just be a genuine misunderstanding no no no not the poke pay the bokeh too late there's trouble yeah giles imaginary friend i know you've got a bad back but can you sort this out i mean i'm going to go out on a limb here and say the one thing we do know about this wedding is perhaps that it was

not a posh wedding that's my guess no that is that is probably true put it this way i don't think they had uh plasma oh yeah placemats no it. I can't get far enough down the food chain. I once had an argument with my brother about the preparation of pigs in blankets. That seems pretty petty looking back on it. Did you really? Yeah. He wanted to prep them in the dining room on the table that they were going to be served in. And I said, it's basic food hygiene.

And I think when you're saying it's basic food hygiene about pigs in blankets, you're probably... I think at this wedding it was arguments about the preparation of devil dogs in tuxedos. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This wedding, they did essentially fall out over carbohydrates. Yeah. With a small amount of protein in it.

Which is a curious thing to have a row about. Well. Whether they rowed over it or whether it was because someone threw it, I don't know. As it says in the article, they had been drinking since 2pm, which it says as if it's that remarkable. And I think, yeah, it's a wedding, that's surely... That's a night star for a wedding. What happened? Did they sleep in?

Yeah. And the other thing, when I used to go to weddings as a young man, we were just topping up the amount of drink we've had the night before, which people now, stag nights happen like three months before. Yeah, there's no element of danger attached to them, it's depressing. Yeah, and you don't get that long stream of urine coming from the back of the church. People used to go round the back of the church.

It used to all come round. It's on all the wedding photos of the 1970s. It's where people have been to the side of the church and then all the urine has run round to the front. As if like an enormous train of urine coming from a mystery bride who's waiting in the wings. I love 70s wedding. All those women with terrible hair. That's true, of course. But, Frank frank when i read the story i did think i don't take this the wrong way but it did

remind me of you a bit because no but you do tend to you do get sort of knocked over little things don't you i do no but you do sometimes who was it who texted in once and said you are you must have been a bit of a gift yeah i had to i had to i was in paris oh how are we gonna keep down on the farm yeah and um and my uh girlfriend said kath said to me uh so what color was your what's the natural colour of your hair? I said, well, you can see, can't you? She said, well, no, it's grey now. And I said, well, it's not all grey, is it? She said, yeah.

And I said, no, no, you can still see, you can still see some of the originals. She said, no, it's completely grey. Some of the originals, like the original band line-up. And I thought, I remember thinking to myself, has she had a mental breakdown? And I honestly thought, and this is terrible now looking back, I said to her, you know, I am afraid to sleep with you tonight in case you put a knife through my back.

I think you've had a mental breakdown. And she said, I can't believe you said that um you know i have to say i'm with kath on this i know but i'm not saying look neither of us were blameless no but i'm just i said look this is difficult because i sound like i'm getting upset because you're saying i've got loads of gray hair but i'm just getting upset with the facts uh You can see. I mean, bear in mind, this was five years ago or more. Right. So it was even more of my natural colour showing than there is now. Why didn't you go up to a Parisian and ask their opinion?

Well, we were in... This was late at night. Mangez-vous? So she got me to text three friends. A text which we both agreed on which was not a leading question your honour and I texted at about

11 o'clock at night I texted three friends completely out of the blue what colour is my hair you didn't I noticed not me because you know you'd get a big bite of the reality sandwich. And then we wait.

But, you know, I know there's a lot of grey in it, but you can see, can't you, the original colour? I think I'm at the wrong side for this. I'm seeing a lot. Well, anyway, you could six years ago. Six years ago, I would definitely have seen real... When we had this argument, real... Real coloured hair.

Real coloured hair. Or horse hair. So we had... Texts started coming back they're all said the same sort of thing sort of mousy blonde right with with quite a lot of people say why on earth are you asking me this um i think some of them did add that yeah it's a post i think if i received that i would just think god holidays are boring when you don't drink. I think that they'd think that... God, they're sending out texts about

what hair colour they've got. They should be drunk in a bar in Paris. Surely. Well, they'd think I'd had got drunk. I now was both blind and had amnesia. But it was... That was a difficult... We split up on the strength of it.

Did you? Really? But we did get... Oh, congrats, you're well done. Yeah, we got back together. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. You were telling us about some petty rows you'd had. I do want to discuss that, Frank. I'd like to park it, because I've just had a text in about Room 101. Can I say something? The nice thing about having a petty row in Paris is it very much wasn't a petty row. Oh, no, it was a petty row.

It was a row grand. Tune in next week for more puns in French. Yeah. Yeah. I fell out with a friend, actually, I should say, and didn't speak to her again. Honestly true. Because we both liked Adam and the Ants.

And I think you have to make a decision who likes who. That's fair enough. Yeah. She was adamant. Root one. What was she adamant root one that was her was she adamant everyone has their cross to bear um i went for terry lee which i thought was a more i don't know i didn't think you even ate cheese i thought a slightly more intellectual choice uh-huh whenever that's like um fancy and david baddiel over rob newman

no but it is it's when you're someone who's got a more sort of you know well i think david baddiel's much better looking alternative taste well there you go that's because you have alternative taste i don't think anyone would argue with that anyway i went for terry lee and fair's fair we all know where we. Then Adam starts getting a bit too famous. She doesn't like it. She decides she likes Terry Lee. Oh, no. And she announced it in front of a room full of...

And she said she announced hers first. Oh, so suddenly you look like a plagiarist. Yeah. She said, I like Terry Lee. I said, no, you don't. I got really upset. I bet you did. I never spoke to her again.

I think that one's all right. Do you? Do you think that's fair enough? It's not petty. That's fine, yeah. Are you a petty man, Alan? No, but I seem to have a pettiness area that is in-car hygiene, because I spend a lot of time driving, and so I'm trying to get the car clean. I don't know if you remember, I said that I was going to laminate the rules of no eating in the car on the show.

You were going to laminate the car interior. I thought you were going to laminate Mrs rules of no eating in the car on the show. So you're going to laminate the car interior? I thought you were going to laminate Mrs. Cockrell. No eating in the car rules. The very next day, my wife said, I'm going to give the kids a croissant each. I mean, the croissant. Croissant, that's... Ridiculous.

That's just a crumb machine. So I've on occasions taken photographs of in-car mess. I've heard that. I've heard that. My wife left some chewing gum in a wrapper in, like, the little well in between the car front seats. Oh, I'm familiar with it. Where you'd put a pile of change. Just a piece of chewing gum on top of it.

At least it was in the wrapper. I took a photograph and sent it and it just said, a new low, dot, dot, dot. Did you? So I think it brings out a pettiness in me. The car. Car hygiene. You know what? I think you're right.

Yeah, I think I'm in the right. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 812... I'm calling a bit William Hartnell again. William, pass the... I can't say he's the most famous one on Breakfast Telly.

Breakfast Telly. Pathetic. He still thinks it's on telly, of course. 8-12-15 is the text number. We'd love to hear from you. Or you can tweet us at Frank on the radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website.

And they have actually sent a few texts in about petty arguments at Frank on the radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Yeah. And they have actually sent a few texts in about petty arguments based on the one you had. Hi, Frank, you accused me of being grey-haired at your show on Wednesday in Leicester Square. I explained I wasn't fully grey either. No, that was a man who was... That was me.

He was a youngish man. Actually, yeah. He did look... If it's a man, I think it is, he was... Dan. Yes, it was a man who was... That was me. He was a youngish man. Actually, yeah. He did look... If it's a man, I think it is. He was... Dan. Yes, it was Dan. Oh, he sounds lovely.

Yeah, he really did. We've stayed and brought it up. He was in Denial. Oh, really? Dan Isle. That's his actual name. Was he a silver fox? He was called Dan.

He was sitting in the aisle. Would he be nice to me? No, impossible. No, he was with a lady. Oh, that doesn't stop me. Um, Frank. Oh, calm down. Yes, it does. Okay. Well, that doesn't stop me. Um, Frank. Oh, calm down. Yes, it does.

Okay. Um, no, it doesn't. 567 has texted us about Room 101. As the hardest working man in showbiz, this is yet another vehicle of yours. Yes. Hi, Frank Ems and Lecoq. How do you stand on that? That's all right.

I'm fine with that. I've been watching Frank's Oblivion-based TV vehicle. Okay. I like that. In that we condemn things to Oblivion. And ever since the first series, he seemed to struggle to pick the right lever of destiny for each guest. It's tricky.

And hovers his hand over it before checking which is which. Frank, do the producers change the position each show just to confuse you? Would you care to elaborate? Well, obviously there's different guests each show, but one of the problems is on the first series, they broke all the time, those levers. And so there are some when I'm basically pulling them back with just my thumb and index finger,

like somebody replacing their butterfly collection. So it's so delicate. But, yeah, I just think it's... You know, I'm so tuned into what they're saying that I'm no good with mechanical things. No. But I will try better. On the subject of mechanical things,

we've also had a text from JD saying, my company are doing a deal on... JD Sports? No, my company are doing a deal on SM58s at the moment. Let me know if anyone needs an invoice. Oh, yeah, I'd like one. Nice. I'll have one of those as well.

What are they? They're the microphones. Oh, OK. Pretty much the industry standard. I presume they were big white trainers if it was JD Sports. All you sucker MCs need one. What's in your time? I don't really know the names of the microphones.

We argue about... It's not a good gig if I'm looking at the brand. We argue about which way the toilet roll should hang. My husband says when it hangs to the front, it makes the bathroom look smaller. Small bathrooms, big tiles. That's because men are used to having things hanging to the front in the toilet.

That's their... What their naturally i'm sorry but i do believe i believe that psychological that's a psychological thing i honestly do believe that i feel sickened by so many sentences i'm trying not to say now yeah elephants they always have the toilet roll to the front. Oh, my God. I'm not being rude. It's a Freudian point. I'm not being rude, Bart. Simon Cowell. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank's been getting upset because we've been talking about the show last week. Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah. Well, yeah, because I wasn't here. I know. You know when a kid's been ill and he goes back to school and they're all saying, that was great, wasn't it, with Mr Smethurst last week and you feel like such a fool. I was just reminding the team of, because I didn't tell you the story, about Five, who gave me my worst review ever, which was they checked me out and then consulted as a group

in a slight rugby huddle and then looked over and went, actually, no. Oh, you're kidding. Were they elected a spokesperson? Oh, well, they were wrong. Because let me ask you this question, where are they now?

Yeah, five. Where are you? Yeah. Speaking of reviews, actually, I was... Actually, no. I was in the West End of London on my way to a gig, and I go past a theatre where Twelve Angry Men is showing. Oh, love that play.

Yeah, Twelve Angry Men. It's the story of the making of the Dave Lee Travers calendar. Yeah, 12 Angry Men. It's the story of the making of the Dave Lee Travers calendar. And, no, it's a courtroom drama, you know, tense courtroom drama. It is. And they have, you know, they have quotes from reviews hanging outside. Yeah. Oh, yeah, rolling in the aisles and all that.

Yeah, that kind of thing. On the edge of my seat throughout and stuff like that, yeah. Suspenseful thriller. They only ever use that in reviews, suspenseful. Yeah, that's true, actually. Well, anyway, the review that caught my eye as I walked past this theatre for 12 Angry Men was topical as a knife blow. Oh. This wasn't your show, was it?

No, topical as a knife blow. Yeah, that seems like... What is a knife blow? It's very mixed up, that. It is. What is a knife blow and what's the nature of its topicality? It sort of insinuates that there's been a lot of knife crime recently that's in the newspapers. But you wouldn't call that a knife blow.

No. It's people being hit with the handles of knives. Yeah. Surely it should say something like as sharp as a knife's edge or... It should if they could make them. It didn't sound like it was picked from a big batch of very, very good reviews. It didn't look like there was a PR guy

who said, so what are you fancied then? Excellent, brilliant, fantastic, sharp as a knife blow. Best thing I've ever seen. What was that last one? What best thing I've ever seen? No, no, no, before that. Sharp as a knife. Yeah thing i've ever seen what's that last one what best thing i've ever seen no no before that sharp as a knife yeah yeah we'll have that sure yeah i really like it really i don't think that happened i think it was rubbish rubbish rubbish sharp as a knife blast well i suppose yeah i think it was just sharp as a knife and it was written by someone called blow and his name's ended up there by the way.

No, no, it's got the quote. And this is the other thing. If it had been like The Guardian, you'd have thought, well, they've gone for a bit of an odd quote, but at least it's like a big... It's Sharp as a Knife, Blow, Theatre Cat. Oh, dear. Well, I mean, you've had to trawl.

You've had to trawl the internet to find Sharp as a Knife. Oh, Theatre Cat is so... Well, I tell you what, Theatre Cat is so one of my parents' friends with glasses on a lanyard, isn't he? Hello, Theatre Cat, can I help you? He or she. Oh, yeah. But it's run for a while.

I'm imagining it's all right, this play. Yeah, I think if it goes really well, they could make a film of it. That's a good idea. But, um... What about my worst review? When an ex-boyfriend's brother said I look like Gloria Estefan. Oh. Is that bad?

I was absolutely... I didn't go out of bed for four days. What, you... You had to go out to bed. If I remember rightly. She was having her platinum spine fit fitted, to be absolutely fair. This is Frank Skinner absolute radio i had a review on twitter posted a nice selfie of myself with my new bag um someone called paul has said bag fab shades too much you're too pretty to carry

off butch and he's put butch in the little um commas so i don't know what he means by that i had aviator shade so they're a bit pilot channeling a pilot i wouldn't not that though as you know i'm a great fan of the uh sexy aviation female yes aviation pioneers but uh he's too pretty too and oh yeah i mean i think it was meatloaf who said two out of three ain't bad. Yeah, and when you say I don't know what to make of that, I just think all you read in that is just you're too pretty and just the rest can be la-la-la-la-la-la, that's all you need to take out of that. I think Meatloaf had just had, he'd been in one of those,

you know those places where you have the He-Man breakfast? Yeah. Yeah, and they put three on the table and you can only manage two. I think that's where that song came from. My friend interviewed Meatloaf once and asked him the question, I'm afraid. Oh, yeah. You'd do anything for love, but you won't do that.

What was it? Do you know how many times I've been asked that? He didn't like it. He didn't answer it, though. He said, listen to the lyrics. That's all in there. That's too big a price. We never play Meatloaf, do we?

On Absolute Radio. Do you think he'd be Absolute Radio? We've got time to play Police, but we've not played Meatloaf. It's curious. Yeah. We also had a text in from Dandyman. I mean, I'm glad we don't. I'm surprised we don't. Sorry.

Dandyman says, Morning Gang, it seems a bit weird sending this now. Just because he's listening behind, Morning gang, it seems a bit weird sending this now, just because he's listening behind, I think. But I was listening to some old podcasts recently and Frank said he sings a little tune for people's names. In case he doesn't already do it, I thought I'd suggest singing Matt Berry's name to the tune of Black Betty.

Keep up the average work, no praise. Oh, yeah, that would work, wouldn't it? Yeah. Whoa, Matt Berry, bam, blam. Whoa, Matt Berry, bam, blamlam. Whoa, Matt Berry, bam-a-lam. Matt Berry's rolling in clover. Bam-a-lam. Because of his numerous voiceover.

Yeah. He's funny in the Vic and Bob thing. Seen that. He's funny. That's a funny programme. Yes. Something so nice about everyone. He's funny, Matt.

He is funny. I know. He was in one of my favorite i like matt berry of all time but can we just find people to be horrible about i uh i received a stinging review when i um stopped hanging out with my mate stephen payne when i was a teenager and then someone fed it back to me that he uh he wasn't hanging about with me anymore because all i wanted to do was listen to music and eat pizza which i think that's That's what... You're a teenager. You're a teenager.

Exactly. Perfect. And all that's changed is that I probably listen to less music now. But I still love pizza. Actually, can I ask a... We were talking about Prince. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I have a vague memory now, which one of our readers might be able to help me with, if you can't. Was there not an award ceremony where prince was either receiving i think he was receiving an award and he was really there was a female presenter and he was really rude he sort of took the thing and didn't even acknowledge it and stuff answering any bells with you oh does he not have a in his in his contract that people don't make eye contact with him is that is that what probably well Well, James Gordon took a selfie of him on stage. Oh. Yeah, I don't know what he would have made of that.

I don't know if that would be his contract. I mean, the knowledge that is out there will come in, because we've just had a text, 760, Frank, there are catacombs under Rome, I've been there. No, I know that. I know that, because that's why I guessed that. Oh, I thought there was new information coming in. It should have been Paris, though.

I think that question That's why. I thought there was new information coming out. It should have been Paris, though. I think that question was faulty because the catacombs under Paris are not genuine catacombs. You're not seriously citing that this question was faulty, defense. Seriously. The catacombs in the question on who wants to be a millionaire should have been inverted commas. You spent the whole of the last record talking about a pub quiz question that you'd got right that nobody had listened to you about. Yes, and can I say that was, what,

15 years ago? Yes. I was at that pub quiz. It was 15 years ago and she's still seething. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together in the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had an email in i should explain frank in your absence emily started a somewhat different type of text and email in oh no when you're here we do stuff like have you ever had a row over a port pie um it's now changed somewhat to um have you ever

been on a private jet no can i correct you only when were you been on a private jet? No. Can I correct you only? When were you last on a private jet? When were you last on a private jet? Get it right. Dear Frank, Emily, Alan and Steve, if Hall's in the house, just a quick note to reassure Emily that some of your readers do have some private jet tales. After my first ever hitch, brackets trip, apparently that's what it's called, on an oil rig in the Sahara Desert in Algeria finished.

Myself and a co-worker were sent back to the main town of Haseb Mesoud. Mesoud? I don't know, but I'm glad he's reading this email, not me. I did wonder to wait for the next flight home, which was planned to be the following day. This was on the oil company's private

jet, a G2, which seated around 10 to 12 people. Oh, I know those ones. Oh, yeah, me too. However, as we arrived at the airport from the rig, we noticed the jet we expected to take the following day was on the ground. It had made a special flight out with some equipment. Had it arrived oily?

Yes. Ah, very good. Lovely. I love that. You all right? Just laughing. I thought someone was draining a radiator for a second there. I bet someone is.

Probably. Somewhere. It's a very absolute radio listener to drain a radiator. It made a special flight out with some equipment, which meant the two of us were the only passengers, plus the pilot, co-pilot and steward. A grand leather seat each and as much San Miguel as we wanted for the two-hour flight to Madrid. Sounds brilliant.

I remember thinking that trips home don't get any better than this. And nearly 20 years later, composing this from an office on a rig in the North Sea, they certainly haven't. Sadly, commercial reality set in from Madrid to London and we had to get back in line and turn right for the rest of the journey home. That is all, Geoff. Now, I think that's an amazing email. Not just the private jet journey, but the bit where he says, composing this from an office on a rig in the North Sea,

I had a moment of going, wow. We've got listeners on oil rigs. It's amazing what they can do now. Not only that, but when he said an oil rig in the Sahara Desert. Yeah. So he's been in one in the Sahara Desert, one in the North Sea. That must be a different sort of experience. He gets about, doesn't he?

He'd be nice for me, yeah. Over the course of 20 years. I've had a couple of private jet experiences just lately. Have you? Yeah, it's an age thing, I suppose. What happened? I wet myself. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I wanted to talk about my damaging levels of mind-wandering. Tell me, what's happened? I changed car last week, so I've been spending a lot of time searching for a replacement car for my old vehicle. Can I just say to you before you do this,

the way you've got your headphones on is you've forced a sort of a... I've got a bristle. You've forced a spike. You look like a novelty lighter. Oh, good. You've just got a little pointy flame-like bit of hair sticking off. I'll tell you what, you look impish. I'm enjoying looking impish, because I don't think it's something I often look. I think I mostly look

gormless or gangly. Good reference, Andy Impy, well done. I don't get the Andy, I don't get anything today, do I? I'm not sure it's great radio if we talk about how I look though. No, you can't, I'm sorry. When has that ever worried us? So I've changed

vehicle. No one else seems to worry about great radio no true Frank Skinner bemoans the state of radio not here not absolute we're the creme de la creme I've been on the auto trader app quite a lot and then I've finally changed

of course you have I've finally changed vehicle if I said someone on the show is going to say I've been on the auto train, who will it be? It would definitely be me. I love you. You're so normal. I've changed car.

He's a weird mix. I am weird. He is a weirdo. Get this for weird. I've finished with all that. I've changed the vehicle, happy. And then the other day I caught myself spending quite a long time thinking, maybe I should get a motorbike.

Why? I'm always on the train or in the car, I should be spending time at home. But I actually had a look on Autotrader at motorbikes and thought, well, I'm going to need to do the direct access course so that I can legally ride a proper, powerful motorbike. Oh, you're not going to get a Harley. You know what stopped it? Was it Dr Fox?

I remembered that they need maintenance and I can't be bothered. I just thought... I remember that they need a terrible personality to ride one as well. Remember that bit? I'm going to have to pump the tyres up.

Please, I imagine 85... I'm going to have oily fingers. Surely 85% of our listeners ride a motorbike. I don't think you should have said that. We'll start getting textings now saying people... People saying,

oh, you should do the direct access motor and then get a Honda CBF600. I think you'd be a nice person and still ride a motorbike on a motorbike. I do. I know several people who ride motorbikes. Elvis Presley and Rastabout.

You're having to go back quite far to dredge one off, aren't you? Where's that, 1952? Barry Sheen. Oh, we've gone up to about 1980. Barry Sheen? Yeah. I just don't like up to about 1980. Barry Sheen? Yeah. I just don't like...

Dave Bickers. Who? He was the scrambler. Your motorbikes were quite trendy. They were a bit like horses. They were quite glamorous in the 70s and 80s. And then it died out, and it went a bit Harley Davidson, get your motor running, dad in a denim jacket. I know there is an element of midlife crisis about it, there's no doubt about that.

You haven't been considering Pointy Sideburns. Maybe next week when I'm ashamed. Pointy Sideburns is the new BBC drama about gangsters in the West Midlands. It's just, be careful, Alan. I'm not going to get one, there's no point in telling me they're dangerous and it rains a lot. It's a bit Alan Partridge born to be wild. And also I live in the North West where it rains too much,

so I'd just inevitably be soaking everywhere. Or I'd skid off it. I daydream a lot, as I've fessed up on the show before. I have long and elaborate daydreams. On the toilet sometimes. Often on the toilet. Off and on the toilet. Yeah.

If I ever want to be false. Yeah. No, I've started listening to podcasts on the toilet? Yeah. If I ever want to be false. Yeah. Now, I've started listening to podcasts on the toilet, which is... You know they say the smartphone is killing daydreaming? You know this theory? Yes, I think that's a very valid point. People used to sit in daydreaming

and they look at stuff. But my current one is that I enter... I'm young again and I start playing tennis as a British tennis player. I get through the qualifying rounds to Wimbledon. You're young again. Yeah. Praise.

Why are yours always like 1940s film plots? Well, because I can't, you can't. Who makes dreams that? You can't enter British tennis at age 57. It wouldn't make any sense unless you're Andy Murray's mom. unless you're Andy Murray's mom. Anyway, so I turn up, and I get, by a freaky thing, I'm drawn against Rafael Nadal in the first round.

Number one court. We don't make centre court because I'm non-seeded. And I beat him in straight sets. He doesn't even win a game. And one of my things is that the outfits I wear, and there's no sponsorship at all. I just get them from the market. I get a look at white sports stuff from the market.

You like a plane. White trainers from the market. So there's no sponsorship. I've even sanded the... A wooden racket. And I've sanded it so there's no... Wooden racket. Wooden racket. Nice.

So, yeah, so it's a daydream about glory, but in a way it's a daydream about... I daydream about being humble. That's what a daydream about glory, but in a way it's a daydream about... I daydream about being humble. That's what I daydream about. Your daydreams have got titles. Humility and Glory brackets Wimbledon. I daydream about walking into a dinner party wearing a killer coat. Nice.

I'm afraid that's it. Do you daydream about that? I imagine people going, oh, that coat looks amazing. Oh, isn't Emily lucky? I honestly dream that's it. Do you daydream about that? I imagine people going, oh, that coat looks amazing. Oh, isn't Emily lucky? I honestly dream that people say that. I'd love her life because of the coat. Just because of the coat.

Yesterday I was daydreaming about turning up at the Brits with a backpack flamethrower. And then saying, OK, just invoice me for Alex Turner. Absolute, Absolute Radio. OK, just invoice me for Alex Turner. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Turns out, Frank, we've got a shock jock in our midst. And that shock jock... I know, I'm wearing one.

It's wired up and apparently it will stop me smoking. That shock jock be Emily Dean, who I think... That shock jock be Emily Dean. That shock jock be Emily Dean? Are you medieval? I think we both know that she's speaking with tongue firmly in cheek when she says things like that she thinks Prince is awful. I don't know if that...

Motorcyclists are probably smelly. Hi all, please inform the lovely Emily Dean I have a motorbike and I'm a very nice dabber person, not a bad tempered grease monkey, James from Tooting, that's just, that's the most broadcastable one of the text

we've had. I have unleashed, can I just say, a stand bike, no I don't stand bike, we've also had a tweet what about friend of the show, Ross Noble he rides a motorbike and he is one of my favourite human beings in the Newcastle area. And my dear friend

Adrian Childs. Yes, and my friend as well. So I apologise to Adrian, I apologise to Ross. I think my friend Nick rides a motorbike. I apologise to every man who rides a motorbike, okay? They're all great. I went on the back of Adrian's motorbike to Bob Dylan at the O2. I feel like you should be wearing a mask

as you're telling your story. Yeah. Dylan who? Bob Dylan at the O2. I feel like you should be wearing a mask as you're selling your story. Dylan who? Bob Dylan. To Bob Dylan. I thought the verb was to Bob there. What's going on? You've got mentionitis with Adrian. You're talking about him every five minutes.

Well, yeah, I'm plugging our new documentary. Catacombs. Yeah, Catacombs by bike. In which we cycle beneath Paris. Oh, nice. Do you cycle? You don't cycle, do you? No.

I have no problem with cyclists either. I do. I love cyclists. I do. Okay. I'm going to say this. Cyclists. Frank, no.

We've just got out of Controversy Corner. I used to associate cyclists with gentle, bright, bookish people. And they're still there. Like Alan. No, they're still there. But what happened is we got good at it in the Olympics and the sort of blokes who used to play rugby

now think yeah that would improve my thighs and now there's a bit of testosterone on the bike and I ache for the paper and the duffel coats and the glasses it's probably a bad time to mention that the reason I ruled out my motorbike daydream was that I remembered I owned three bicycles.

Three. Not one, but three. No, but, you know, the good guys are still out there, but I think we have to get together and get rid of the ones with the thick necks. They should never have been on bicycles. I can't concentrate. I'm still reading some of these comments. Can I just read this one?

Emily's comment was unfounded. My friend Mike rides a motorbike and is a very nice man. Also, can you give Mike a shout-out as he was just released from prison? Thursday! Hi, Mike. Can I just say, call me? Yeah. I like the shout-out. I've got a picture of Mike now with his clothes in a brown paper bag waiting outside to see if his wife turns up.

I hope it's all well. Anyway, look, you know, we all have our prejudices. That's it. But I'm just saying, get the bullies off the bikes. That's all I'm saying. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the Greeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week

if we're not run over by cyclists and motorcyclists