The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Back in business

Episode Date: September 7, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Cockerel has returned from his holidays with a bad back and a beard. Frank, Em and Al reunite and discuss Al's new look, back pain and passer buy comments.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you who's with us in a minute, but you can text the show on 81215, you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the good old reliable Absolute Radio website. So, I haven't done this for a while. The cockerel has returned from his back-to-back two-week holidays. Yeah.

Fantastic. He's got a beard. Well, I've been in trouble this morning with you because I was saying how nice he looked. I thought it was borderline sexual harassment at work. And you said how would you feel if I did that and I said I'd love it. Because you and Daisy the producer and Daisy the producer is a woman

was saying oh Cockerell's looking really good. Wow I like the tan. I thought whoa for goodness sake you know people, the suffragettes fought to put a stop to that kind of thing. A bit jealous.

Did they fight for that? A little bit jealous. I can't remember what the suffragettes fought for now, but took a few racehorses down with them, let's put it that way. But yeah, so he has come back and he's got a big beard. Morning. That's a mistake, isn't it? Yes, thanks.

No, but you've got a bit of a tan and i think you'll find when that beard comes off you're gonna have a face like a cornish mivy well which is an ice cream yeah i don't have two two tones i don't anticipate the beard coming off ever it's oh really it's here to stay you look lovely cockle you look like i'm not sure it's you i think it could be like the return of martin gear when the village the villagers aren't certain if it's him or not. May I just say that I didn't have two consecutive two week holidays. I had a one week

holiday, a break and then another one week holiday but they both departed on Saturdays and returned on Saturdays. We're not the HR department. No but the thing is I'm the HR department. Can I say the idea that someone thinks it's all right to have a week's holiday and then a week and then a two-weeks holiday,

I still find bizarre. It was two one-week holidays separated by one week at home. It's like your holidays, they're like breakfast cereal. They've settled into one small section. They're all happening at the same time. Holidays, I've realised, are a bit like sick days. People judge you if they come too close together.

Yes, they do, Sarah Ferguson. They're scum. Yes, they do. My manager never used to take holidays and now he's known as Johnny Holiday. He is. He's always there somewhere. He was in Australia for about eight weeks. Every time I phone him, I get beep, beep, beep instead of brr, brr, brr, you know that one

when you know they're abroad. I know that, thanks. Well, I heard last week's show. I listened to it on the internet. The internet? The internet, yeah. Let me write that. Is that a capital I?

It can be, yeah. Okay. I think it has to be. I listened to it whilst tidying my bedroom. I made a real feature of it. I thought, I'm going to tidy my bedroom and listen to the radio show. How old are you, 14? Exactly, exactly. Hold on, I thought you were on holiday. No, this is when I got back last, I think I did it Sunday or Monday, whatever it was. Oh, okay. And I heard you say that

Coggerill's gone on two consecutive two-week holidays and I thought, well, it's a good job I'm back. Otherwise he's just told everyone that, you know, people might listen and go, I think that guy lives around the corner from me. I could burgle him now. Oh, I see. I hadn't thought of that. Thankfully, I've been back, I think. You're so possession conscious.

Yeah, yeah. I'm really materialistic. Yeah. But that guy lives around the corner from me. Dream on. Some people do know where I live. Do they? Yeah.

OK. But I don't think there's any house crime in Manchester. It's fine. No, live. Do they? Yeah. OK. But I don't think there's any house crime in Manchester, it's fine. No, I've never heard of any. No. Well, anyway, it's great to have you back. Thanks very much. And you do look great. You really do.

I'm going to join in a little bit now. Hey, steady on. He looks like a disciple. This is harassment. He looks like a disciple, Frank. He looks like a Scandinavian centre-back. Oh. Is what he looks like.

Well, you know, Olaf Melberg is the look I covet. I get beard envy of his. Yeah, I think you could be Olaf. Yes. Yes. That's what I'm desperate for. But we'll carry on. So, look, can I tell you something about my baby? I say baby, 15 months. I think he's officially a toddler. Yeah. He had his first experience this week of... Why are you itching, Frank? I'm thinking about...

You'll know when I tell you the story. You'll know why I'm scratching sort of nervously. He hands you things. Actually, I've got Boz's theme tune here somewhere. Let me just... Oh, I can never find anything on here never mind

Daisy always puts them in the wrong place then what it's me struggle to find them with their arms folded in a kind of a come on then find it anyway

don't do it now it's too late so he passes me things all the time passes me bits off the carpet and stuff. And he picked something up and he went,

and the biggest, highest pitch scream. And it was a wasp, but it was a dead wasp. So I meant, although my child was screaming in pain, I discovered that a dead wasp can still sting you, which I didn't know. He got stung, did he? Because I think when I've seen a wasp sting, they do a sort of a lambada thing around the waist area that I thought was sort of pumping it out.

It's almost twerking. Yeah, they do. They do a bit of poison twerking. But apparently they can do it. The wasp is so evil as a creature that even after death it will take time out to sting a small child wow that's evil isn't it yeah so if anyone knows about wasps any of our readers um i'm i'm kind of fascinated by this they sting after death they will kill again and the bee of course stings and then dies the bee, of course, stings and then dies. The wasp

dies and then stings. Slightly ironic that he's called Boz as well, I thought. I wonder if I brought it on myself. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Frank, John in Birmingham has texted us. John in Birmingham. Is the cockerel's beard as distinguished as Paxman's? It's a bit more... More biblical, I'd say. Yeah, a slightly more Desert Island type of look. I think Paxman had styled his a little, hadn't he? Yeah.

I think Paxman is a man who styles, but in a way that doesn't look as if he's styled. I imagine he's a man who has an enormous collection of product in the bathroom, but it's all the sort that makes him look like he doesn't use product. Really? Whereas you have... I'm the other way around. Well, you look like something from a Norse legend.

Good. I love that. I've not seen Paxman's beard, but I'm the other way around. Well, you look like something from a Norse legend. Good. Yeah. I love that. I've not seen Paxman's beard, but I'll Google image it later. It's a bit more Oxford. Well, that's because you've had back-to-back two-week holidays. That's where the rumour goes, yeah. Yeah, was you aware of Miley Cyrus' twerk?

When we said twerking, do you know what he was talking about? I refuse to Google it in case all sorts of stuff came up. No, it's not as exciting as you might think. Oh, really? Oh, OK. Well, I like not knowing things. You've come to the right place. See, it's great you can wink on radio and nobody knows. I love that.

Do you know, I sent out for fish and chips this week. What? To a fish and chip restaurant rather than the... Oh, did you? It's always an odd thing, isn't it? On the great level of eating out, there's things that posh restaurants

do, you know, well and there's things that they don't do as well as very, very cheap, rubbish restaurants. Like fish and chips being an obvious example. If you get fish and chips at the Ivy, which is like one of the top restaurants in London, they're not going to be as nice get fish and chips at the Ivy, which is one of the top restaurants in London, they're not going to be as nice as fish and chips

at that chip shop round the corner, which is amazing, really. Tea is another thing. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so we sent her. And I looked at the... There's a great range of prices of the fish on the menu.

So, like, halibut was about four quid more than cod. Right? Are you with me? Yeah, I'm with you. And I thought, there's a con at it, because fish, I would say, basically, fish tastes like fish. Right. Every fish.

All taste the same, you mean? They taste like fish, don't they? There is a fish taste that every fish tastes like. Yeah. So the whole idea of dressing up with some are more expensive than others. We're going to use the word fish a bit more, because I don't think you said fish quite enough. But it is. I can say fish, can't I?

You certainly can. I'm sure that's not in the absolute menu. Yeah, but you have to pay fish from Meridian every time you do it. Okay, fair enough. It's a con, that. That's like saying we're going to sell some potatoes the same size. Some of them are four quid, some of them are nine quid. What a con this so-called fish is.

It is, though. I'm eating quite a lot of fish just lately. Oh, lovely. It's a bit of a... I thought I'd try it out. Oh, yeah. And I've even gone... Something I've never done in my life, I've gone, you know they go off-piste, I've gone off-fillet. I've actually gone to the, you know, the boned fish.

Yeah. Horrible experience. Unbelievably hard work eating a boned fish. Why did you do that? I've done this before. No, but I like that because you eat a bit less. Right, yeah. You do, but, you know, fish is not,

it doesn't taste nice enough to warrant that kind of work. It's that sort of, it's like, if you can imagine eating papier-mâché out of a sewing kit, it's like that. So you're eating something that's not that nice with the occasional terrible pain sometimes sticking in you. Or the thing... You know that you get a bone in your...

You're chewing fish and you get a bone in your mouth. Oh, I hate that. You think, I've got a bone in my mouth. But then you can't find it in your mouth. Yeah. You can lose something in your own mouth. And you think, there's definitely... Because I felt it just for a second.

Oh, those little needle ones, Frank. I won't have them. But now it's gone. Well, it nearly killed the Queen Mother, of course. Oh, no. Of course that could have been an assassination attempt. We'll never know that. So many rumours about the royals.

Thanks. But, yeah, it's a dangerous business, fish. I am damned if I'm going to pay more for one than I am for another one, they all taste the same. Do you eat the batter? Oh, God, I eat the batter. Oh, I never do. I'd happily just have the batter.

Oh, well, they'll sell you that in some fish and chip shops. They'll sell you just bits. Yeah, bits they'll sell you, but they won't sell you like... You know when they get the big batter on it? They won't sell you that like a lovely... That'd be good if they peeled it off, sold it to you, and then sold someone else the fish. It'd be like a lovely lion-skin rug, wouldn't it?

Be the equivalent of a lion-skin rug. Sort of fish-skin rug that you've took the fish out of. Nice. And then you can have it sprawled out. That's so big, Frank. It's like a big shoe. Isn't it? That's why you can have it as a rug at home.

Yeah. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was walking down the high street. Now, I was walking through Camden Town. Oh.

Get you. How very Russell Brand of you. That's a North London thing. And a man came up to me and said, cheer up, and went on. And I always think it's quite... It's happened to me a few times. I always think of saying

my parents have died I've not put a date on it obviously but just because I think it's very courageous to say to someone cheer up because they could have had all sorts of terrible news

he didn't say it might never happen that's awful. No, he didn't say that. No, that would have upset me. Yeah. Because, let's face it, it might never happen. Are you talking about my role in Doctor Who? And also, someone did it to me once, and I said, look, if I went around with a broad grin on my face,

people would say, I'm so Frank Skinner, I think he's mentally ill. So where do you... People don't walk around smiling, do they? What can you do about it? I just think it's... I mean, I think the bloke was sort of being a bit, you know, a bit you and me old son, a bit friendly. But I wouldn't dare do it

I've seen two different people crying in the street over the last two weeks Did you use it at all? Did you think, oh I'll do that cheer up trick? No, I didn't I did think I'm going to have to stop using this Kung Fu star People don't laugh about it as much as they used to The shuriken throwing star.

Oh, he knows all the lingo because he does his karate. I don't know if ours was shuriken because there used to be a bloke who made them in his dinner hour at work. He got a bit of sheet metal. He used to make them and stuff. He used to try and mock oriental engravings on them. Oh, yeah. And that never looked quite right.

Yeah. I like him, though. I like the sound of him. Yeah, he used to bang them out. I used to charge something like 50 pence or something. Oh, brilliant. For a Kung Fu stick. I think he did a constellation for a fiver.

Yeah. So, um... Some people would do it. I find the cheer up love, I mean a as the lady of the triumvirate i do get that a lot as a review it's not really a review it's a question but it's not really is it it's just a bit filthy creep but you see i find i play well to the white band man i'm not gonna lie oh really they're my demographic oh are you like um when when Ricky Gervais used to go downstairs on The Office? Are you like that?

Do you know what? I've worked out what it is, Frank. Because I've got, I call it a pronounced silhouette. Yes. I think it looks good at high speed and they can see it. All right. Yes. I think that's what it is.

Yes, I can see that that would work. Yes. But they always say cheer up, love. I had a boy who didn't look unlike Harry Styles. And he said, oh, it's one of those middle-class yummy mummies. Brilliant. And I like being middle-class. Well, and yummy, of course.

It's amazing that they haven't started calling him Nobby Styles, isn't it? It's so perfect. Everything works. But still. Well, I'd like to know what our readers have had people say to them in the street, just a stranger saying something like that I mean it's a bit different with me I suppose because people might

recognise me I know all over the nation they're listening people are going no I don't think they would but yeah that's brave. Cheer up. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You know, you were talking about things that people have said as they were passing by. Oh, yeah. I've had one last week, but previously, and I think I may have told you this before, but I'm not sure, a mate of mine was juggling in a park. I can juggle three balls. And he was showing me a particular trick, right?

So as he's showing me, I think maybe I dropped it. Drama school three years was not wise. Maybe that's what it was. So I dropped this ball. It was Easter weekend. I remember it very vividly. And two people walked past who were holding bibles and as I dropped the ball one of them

went the lord won't drop you like you dropped that ball and then walked off that was which is a very rare time being zinged and having the lord promoted in the same sentence. It's quite a nice

thing to say that wasn, isn't it? Well, I don't know. It felt a bit like they were going, you're rubbish at juggling and we're religious. No, but they were saying that you were going to be forgiven for being rubbish at juggling. Can I say, I respect what opportunists they are as well. They were.

I mean, it was pretty quick thinking. In life's land. Yeah. Unless they've only got that one line and they've just been waiting all their life to use it. They just haunt jugglers hanging around waiting for that moment to go down. What else could be the explanation? Unless they are really quick thinking.

You're right, yeah. It's probably that. I know what you're thinking. If they're religious, they can't possibly be quick thinking. Am I right? I'm not thinking that. You're thinking exactly that. How would I even...

Get out! I couldn't do that. And then last week, I was on a bike ride with some other chaps. Oh, what chaps were they? What number holiday was this? This was holiday number two. Okay. Who are these chaps he's on this bike ride with?

I think he means those leather chaps, what the homosexuals were. I mean, they're not ideal for bike riding. My, um... What's that? Quite the reverse. I mean they're not ideal for bike riding My erm I must say Quite the reverse My mate Noel is a mammal You know the middle aged men in Lycra That the media have dubbed it

My mate Noel is a mammal That did confuse me He's a mammal You know these sort of 30 or 40 somethings that are into cycling And they all talk about climbs Oh there's a climb round the course a brilliant climb, that's what they do

cyclists, they talk about life there You keep saying that, but isn't that you? Well I might be becoming one, gradually They all defended Lance Armstrong I did, I did, and I feel a fool now but anyway, we were on this bike ride, I've defended worse people Only this morning

Only this morning, but that's another story. And then cock-prop. Yeah, we can't talk about your off-air defences of media figures. No, anyway. So we're on this bike ride and Porta Palenza, where we were, is like a mecca for cyclists. They love it there because it's hilly

and all the bike shops are really good. Blah, blah, blah. So there's five of us, all in lycra in a line. Oh, lovely. And eventually a car goes past and a guy shouts some Spanish out, which I think was mockery. I think it was like, you know, you idiots on bikes, whatever. But I didn't

understand it. A, because he was passing in a speeding vehicle, and B, it was in Spanish. And I thought, this is the best way to be heckled on earth, is in a foreign language. If only hecklers in comedy clubs. I just, I don't feel, I don't feel zinged at all. I don't feel hurt. I don't feel wounded. I just feel curious as to what anybody's saying. It might have been a nice thing. There was something about his manner that made me think

it wasn't. But you're right. He might have been going, squeeze your toes, lads. Follow the bike in front and you'll do really well. That's how I cycle. He might have said follow the bear in Spanish. Maybe. He might have been saying there's a cog in that wheel as we are all cogs in God's wheel. That's the

Spanish branch. The Spanish improvisation as they're called. Much nicer than the Inquisition. We've had some responses to the question, what have passers-by said to you? OK. Glenn Bateman, a homeless man once came up to me

and a friend on the street and offered to kill someone for us for £30. £30? That's a bargain. I know. Yeah, and what happened next? Wouldn't you be thinking, ooh, is there anyone? I mean, hold on, give me a bargain. I know. Yeah, and what happened next? Oh, I don't know. Wouldn't you be thinking, ooh, is there anyone? I mean, hold on, give me a minute.

Or would you be thinking, what's the actual going rate? How much is this undercutting? Well, I'd say I have no idea what they charge. If there's any hit men listening, please don't text in. I think it's about £8,000 to £10,000. OK, right. Well, if it's £35,000, you're not really serving that much by having a tramp do it, are you? Because he might make a mess of the job.

Oh, it's good to hear the word tramp used casually. I think that's allowed in this context, isn't it? That's how she thinks, sir. A friend of mine, he was racing for a train in Birmingham, New Street Station, and there was a tramp, and he said, very stupidly, have you got the right time, mate? And the tramp said, no, I don't operate on a chronological system. I mean, that is marvellous.

What about that, though? But I bet he was all talk. I mean, what if I'd have said that, OK, OK, Kim Jung Il. Don't kill him, he's my future husband. No, well, he wouldn't have killed him if he'd never got that, okay, okay, Kim Jung Il. Yeah. Don't kill him, he's my future husband. No, well, he wouldn't have killed him

when he'd never got anywhere near him. No. Tramps, only arriving at the airport. No money, no, not 30 quid.

Yeah, and is that including expenses, because it's going to be pricey? but his expenses will be at rate. He's probably going to make it all up on expenses, isn't he?

That's how he's, that's how this business model works. He's not paying anything for the soup. Yeah. Thomas Parker, a stranger once said ahoy to me, going to make it all up on expenses, isn't he? That's how this business model works. Thomas Parker, a stranger once said ahoy to me and then walked off. Yeah, but was he on board ship at the time? Was he a passing ship? Well, exactly. I kind of

like that, ahoy. Is that what you say to a passing ship? You say ahoy? Yeah. It might have been sailors on shore leave, and I wish I'd have been there in that case. Because they're up all night to get lucky, I've heard. Yeah, might have seen their hornpipe. Hornpipe. They're very good dancers,

sailors. Paul Kuzik, I think it's I don't know how you pronounce that, but it's that's... I was texting saying my daughter Jessica, when she was about five years old, was holding her mum's hand. Yes.

Jessica. That's Frank's... That's brilliant, isn't it? Is that Frank Spencer? Yeah. No, it's Frank Skinner. He had that the other day in the street. What's his wife called, Paul Cusick?

Betty? I think it's Ooh Betty. It's like Ooh Thant. Remember Ooh Thant? Come on, read the thing out. My daughter Jessica, when she was about five years old, was holding her mum's hand while waiting to cross at a pedestrian crossing. She turned to an old man who was standing on the other side,

looked him up and down and shouted at the top of her voice, Wake up! He jumped as he was startled. Jessica then announced, That's better. Ah, the funny things they say. Children. Yeah.

Yeah. Like mine, where is my money? I had a friend who used to shout out the window at homes, People go to bed! That's good advice, actually. Yeah, it is. But I felt that he didn't take in all the sort of social conditions.

Not many people have had to pass her by religious advice, have they? It's early days, yeah. True enough, true enough. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. OK, let's get to email corner. Email corner.

Do-do-do, do-do-do. Keep music live, that's what I say. I thought you just couldn't find the button for the jingle. Don't think for a second I couldn't find the button. I like the all-the-equipment-is-broken-down vibe of that. It isn't broken down, it's just I can't... I'm not as flexible. He was good. I like the all the equipment's broken down vibe of that. It isn't broken down. It's just I can't. I'm not as flexible.

He was good. I love Stranger on the Shore. Would you like to hear from Stuart? Yes. Okay, let's do it. Is it with a UA or an EW? It's with a UA. Good.

Hi, Emily, Frank and Alan. Someone banging something. What is it? Be still, my beating Frank and Alan. Is someone banging something? What is it? Be still, my beating heart. OK. Go on, continue. I've just returned from a week in North Devon. A bit cockerel. I wonder what week that was for his older...

Actually, that's Cockerel Circa 2012. That was the year of the staycation. Got drenched. That was terrible. I called you once during that and you were in such a bad mood, you said I've got a child in one arm and it's raining, I'll call you back pouring down, yeah

it was what the kings of Leon would call a super soaker that summer Stuart has just returned from a week in North Devon where after witnessing the Skinner effect on Saunton Beach I proudly explained the phenomenon to my daughter and proclaimed that it was known as the Skinner effect.

Can I just stop you there for new readers? Please do. This is the thing. I stood on the beach down in Cornwall, and when the sea is receding or coming towards you, sometimes it feels like you're moving and the sea's standing. Instead, it's a weird sort of very discombobulating effect. receding or coming towards you. Sometimes it feels like you're moving and the sea's standing. Instead, it's a weird sort of very discombobulating effect. And I wonder if it had ever been named.

If it hadn't, I'd like to claim it as the Skinner effect. Go on. I'm hoping that she will in turn share this knowledge. He's put that in quotes. A little bit disparaging there. And help get this phenomenon accepted. He's planting the seeds. As Skinner effect. Whilst writing this, I did Google Skinner effect to see if there was a Wikipedia entry for it yet.

Good luck with that. The closest I found was the Skinner box effect, named after a BF Skinner, an American psychologist. Yes. Who rather bizarrely is also famed for inventing the pigeon guided missile during World War II. Yes, it is what it sounds like. These missiles were even tested successfully by the US Navy, but never took off, as they thought people wouldn't take it seriously. Do you think that's a poem that was done at the end?

Never took off. That's a good little joke. Also, there's only one way to get people to take a missile seriously. If it blows up, they'll start taking it seriously. If it's on the back of a chaff inch. BF Skinner, of course, is what my girlfriend calls me. Is that right? Oh. The BF

Skinner box I have encountered before. Don't think for a second I've been sitting around Googling my own name. But it's one of the... I bet you've seen them on black and white films. It's when they have, like, a rat in a box and they have to do things to get food. Have you seen that?

They try and get them so they ring a bell to get food. Oh, like experiments? Yeah, they're experiments on animals, OK? Yeah. They also have the electrified grid sometimes at the bottom of the thing, so if they get it wrong, they get a little electric. Do their little rats feed to get an electric?

Sure. The very cleverest rat can not only bring the food in, but barbecue it on the floor of the cage. Wow. But they're very, very unusual. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and the Cockerel.

And you can text us on 81215, or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us, the old style, on Absolute Radio. Yeah. Website. Now. I'm back. Yes, the

cockerel has returned. It's lovely. Like you've never been away. Well, I have been away. Actually, it is like you've been away. You've been away twice. I've been away twice, but basically August I was either on holiday or seeing an osteopath. That's how I remember this August.

Really? How often were you seeing this character well i've seen him twice but i i feel like it's done one for each holiday yeah exactly well i saw him in between the first and the second and then i went away on the second and i've been i've seen him again okay apparently i think you know when david beckham broke his metatarsal and then i'll never forget everyone knows metatarsals now I don't know if I'm going to have the same dramatic impact on the awareness of the sacroiliac joint. Sacroiliac?

Well, I'm familiar with this because it's in a Blondie song. Is it? Rapture. No. She uses that as a lyric. Does she? I know that because it's one of my karaoke's along with Cleaning Out My Closet and Gold Digger.

Cleaning Out My Closet? I could have played whilst having my tidy up in my my bedroom it's in that it's in that blondie song well okay sacroiliac joint is in yeah can you quote that bit it says it's something about being like lying on lying down basically it says it long it's just sac, yeah. That's how it goes. Okay. Yeah. I thought it was one of those trips I couldn't stop bleeding. I've been doing quite a lot of lying down and pulling my knee up and across my body,

so trying to get my right knee to touch my left shoulder. Yeah, but you've been in sophisticates. It's an old way of combating trap wind. Taught that in the army. But yeah, I've basically got a sacroiliac joint. So where is the sacroiliac? I think it's the bit that joins your hip to your pelvis kind of thing, but it's been manifesting itself in some lower back pain,

and it's brought out in me a realisation. Do you know what? I've never realised that when people talk about their back backs... You realise what people mean by back-to-back holiday? Very good. No, I never realised that when people moan about their backs that I internally hate them, because I say all the right things, like, oh, yeah, bad backs are really bad, aren't they?

It's really debilitating. But now I realise that I shouldn't have been internally hating people with bad backs, because it is. And anyway, anyway. It's associated with skiving, that's the problem. I think maybe that's what it is, yeah. People who want to time off work and work perfectly well would claim it. Is that right?

Yeah. I'm not sure I can skive off a once a week radio show. I've done enough in the last month. I don't know, you've done pretty well. But I've been given core exercises, which I quite like. You know, core, this is the big thing, they say, core exercises. Yeah, it's all about core. Well, you have to go on tour with three beautiful sisters.

Yeah. Oh, the cores! Did you see the cogs turn? Yeah. Frank looked at me then as I was spelling that in my head. Yeah, I was willing you on. I was like a mother at a sports day, watching him get that race. He's still in the deck chair.

I've been doing that, you know, the plank where you lie on the floor. Oh, I know the plank. I do plank every day. Well, it's a really good exercise for multitasking. What I like to do is put a paper bag in front of me and read a paragraph while I'm doing the plank. I do my make-up while I do it. One day I'd like to get to the core strength that I could do a whole chapter.

What worries me with the paper, but often won't lie flat like that. Oh, don't you be dripping sweat? No, I'd see that as part of the exercise, yeah. No, I'd find that annoying. And I've also been doing the stretch, the sacroiliac one, where I pull it across and I do that, I lie on the floor at a certain angle

and watch the telly. What ever happened to sort of that exhibition exercises that people you know people used to do we used to do chin ups on bus stops bus shelters yeah we was drunk you'd see how many

you'd get the overhanging bit get hold of that I did it once I remember lifted myself up and there was about three gallons of rainwater. Completely. But, yeah, the chin-ups on the... Oh, Frank, what about when you sent off for that Charles Atlas?

But, oh. I know, that was a bit... I'm so sad. And I had... I knew a guy, and he used to do this. Blokes used to have their sort of signature exercise that they'd do in pop. He used to do this thing.

He'd hold a brush down at sort of so his arms were stretched down so the brush should be about halfway down his thighs. Brush! 1940s exercise, a brush! A broom, yeah. So he'd have that resting on the front of his thighs, he's standing up and then he'd

jump and he'd jump over while he was still holding it, he'd jump over the broom so then it was behind his thighs. Oh, he's a hurdler. Yeah. Wow. And we all used to have to try that, which is very, very dangerous.

But that's the great thing about alcohol, is that you can get injured and, you know what, it's all right. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. It's all right. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Jane Appleton says, Hi, Frank. Several years ago, 10cc had a song called Sacroiliac.

I think it was probably a B-side. Back then, I was buying vinyl singles. You still are. Yeah. See, I have started something, though, haven't I? It's good that it was a B-side. It was just like back that means backside

it was the back of the oh and the good news is we found out how much it cost to have someone murdered now just a minute

is it alright to read this out do you think I think it is because this man worked for the Met Police oh okay yeah he's doing it

from that side yeah okay he's not from the dark side not from the dark side. Not from the naughty side. It's not an advert, this, is it? No. Okay. 929. I think it's best he remains a mystery. Frank, I used to

help catch contract killers for the Met Please. The going rate for a pro hit is between 25 to 100k. Your manager's just written that down. Yeah. He's working at his commission. Do they have agents pitch me

they do now yeah great last time I was on this show we were running a text in how much is a wall and now it's moved on to how much is a contract killer

yeah it's worrying where it might go next yeah so anyway I saw this osteopath and I need to tell you Kill it. Yeah, it's worrying where it might go next. So, anyway, I saw this osteopath and I need to tell you... Can I say, for a start off, no disrespect to this particular individual, but if I have any sort of back or... I like to go to a physiotherapist. Right.

I like to walk into a room and be greeted by the smell of embrication. What is that? I don't know that word. You know, stuff that people rub on, like deep heat and stuff. Oh, yeah. They're proper physiotherapists. Seems like they're doing something proper. Osteopath, there's a bit of a hint of the hocus-pocus. No, I think that's chiropractors.

Oh, chiropractor. Are they a bit hermiopathic medicine? I think they're a bit. I'll just crack you back until it this bay leaf with a bit of water. I'll just crack your back until it makes a noise and then take your check. I think they're... Okay, so osteopaths, what do they do? I think they're the medical...

Do they use feathers? No. Oh! He's used a massage. Does he chant? Hang on, he used massage. What's a massage? He rubbed it and he pulled my leg across.

Was this the one on the cycling tour with the leather chaps? No, that was a different... Yeah, he rubbed it and he pulled my leg across. Was this the one on the cycling tour with the leather chaps? No, that was a different... Yeah, he rubbed it and he's cracked my back. He makes it crack, which is nice, but the first time he did it, he was visibly disappointed at how little the crack was. He was like, to be honest, I was hoping for more than that. He's some kind of pervert.

Last time I was there, I went with a list of do's and don'ts. I want a question. What, from Gary Davis? I said, I want to know what I'm allowed to do, what will help and what will hinder. And he set me various stretches, and one of them I nearly laughed in his face. It sounds so easy.

He said, oh, you could stand on one leg. He said, make sure you do it in the doorway or in front of the wall so that when you fall over, he said, stand on one leg with your eyes closed for like 15 seconds. Not easy. Well, I genuinely thought it would be ridiculously easy. Not with your eyes closed.

It's easy with your eyes open. With your eyes closed it all goes a bit weird. I said to him, I don't need to stand in a doorway for that. That's ridiculous. Got home, fell over. Yeah. No, it is. It's a strange... There's a thing about...

I shouldn't have done it with an anvil behind me. That was... If you've had a stroke, they tell you afterwards, when you're in recovery, to try shutting your eyes in the shower. Right. And if you feel all right

and you feel stable, you're probably well on the road to recovery. If you fall over... I found it so easy sounding... Yeah? ...that I nearly laughed in his face. It's like this job. This job, very similar to standing on one leg with the...

I find that... I think having a baby has helped because it's a perfect gradation of an increase in weight. Oh, yeah. Picking him up over a period, a little bit heavier, but just a little bit, like every week, he gains a little bit of weight. They're like weights, aren't they?

You know, my theory, I've told you this before, that I started jumping from the bottom step on our stairs at home when I was a kid. Oh, yeah. And I figured if I did a step a day, that I'd be able to jump from the top of the stairs after just three weeks. But you do hit that point where it starts to really hurt

and you're picking up just casual injuries every time you hit the floor. Oh, yeah. But I do think it's possible. If you do it gradually, and if the stairs I jumped were like, you know, half the size, I think I would have been jumping the flight of stairs in, say, six weeks. Really?

I think it's possible to achieve, yes, anything. Oh, my back's terrible. Do you know why that is? Because I've got the shape of a lion. I've got the narrow waist, you see. Ah. And a very thin waist. Yes. Appalling distribution is what I've got the narrow waist, you see. Ah. And a very thin waist. Yes.

Appalling distribution is what I've got. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that, but I don't feel I'm at liberty to comment. Colcron? Is that the time? Yeah, that sounds... I think you represent the British Isles. Yes.

In that most of your riches are in the south. I think that's true. Business is booming. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in. We're talking about Cockerell's bad back. I'm just starting to think, you have been on holiday,

you haven't been hard carrying for a month, trying to make a bit of extra money. No, no, that would... I would have f on holiday. You haven't been taking... Hod carrying for a month. Trying to make a bit of extra money. No, no, that would... OK. I would have fessed up. We've had a text in from someone who I think may be a regular listener to the show from the way they've ended the text.

I agree with Frank about fish. When I was a kid, I could never understand why haddock was ten pence more expensive than cod. Yeah. And also, therefore, why anyone would choose haddock. I'm also pleased the conversation hasn't turned into a festival of fish puns yet.

I think that's good. I sometimes tie with the idea of banning puns from this show altogether. Do you really? I think with fish puns there's a time and a place. That's what I would say. He started it. I'm not coming back.

He started it. Good boy. Don't. Not having it. Don't do it, Frank. He's getting on thin ice. I'm still not doing it. We need to talk about Michael Gove.

I know, again, it's not a traditional opener for a commercial radio breakfast station. I know, again, it's not a traditional opener for a commercial radio breakfast station. Well, I think Michael Gove has transcended being the Minister for Education and become a comic figure in his own right. Okay, I'll give you that. He did used to be in TV comedy. Did he? He did. He hosted a show with David Baddiel, in fact. Shut up.

And Tracey McLeod. He did, called Stab in the Dot. An extraordinary programme. A late-night satirical comedy show with Michael Gove. Oh, I Stab in the Dot. Extraordinary programme. A late night satirical comedy show with Michael Gove. Oh. I'll get your manager to get me copies of that. VHS, please. He's been getting a right cob on.

Yeah. Yeah, can we say that? Yes. Okay. Yeah. It's Mancunian. Did I tell you I was once on a train with Michael Gove? He's got a very very big bottom. He's one of my people. No, he's really got... Is he Kardashian?

With you, though, it's part of a greater design. You know, the slim waist and then the surprise of the expansive bottom. With him, it looked like he was sitting on a corduroy exercise ball. Yeah. He's broken his core.

Is he a lion? Well, I think... No, he's the opposite. A lion's got very small, tight bottoms, I find. He's a hippo. Yeah, what a strange safari that was. It's like the cockerel cycling trip. I paid the extra.

I just thought we'd get a better seat than the thing. I didn't think we'd be getting that close. Anyway. Yes, Michael Gove has been saying, which is what the Minister for Education says, he says things like kids aren't bright enough anymore. He says it's all been done down and it's way too easy now. And he cites an example.

A few. Well, he cites a few he says um there was an english language exam where one of the questions was simon cowell admits he's rude why is this so frank why does he admit it or why is he rude well what reason does he give for this i imagine that um simon cowell says that what he's termed rudeness in a sort of slightly stiff and formal society like ours is in fact honesty. And that because he's a judge, he has a moral obligation to be honest

and the people step onto the show set themselves up to hear the truth. I imagine that's what he'd say. I've got a different theory. I've written about it signed to the paper. to hear the truth. I imagine that's what he'd say. I've got a different theory. I've written about the science of the paper.

I think it's because he's the 80s and it was quite trendy to be rude in the 80s. Well, it's become trendy. It's become very trendy to be rude now, isn't it? I mean, you know,

the reader's comments. Being cruel and horrible has become very, very popular indeed. You once did say... Not since the 40s has being cruel and horrible been become very, very popular indeed. You once did say... Not since the 40s has being cruel and horrible been quite so popular. Frank, you once said

power always goes to the most negative person in the room. Yes. Kim Jong-il was in the room at the time, to be fair. But I think that's true. Yeah, but I think it's quite a challenging question. You could write a very... You could write a book on why Simon Cowell is rude

and the whole change in what people want. People don't want to love celebrities. They want celebrities who upset people because it's more, you know, that's Big Brother and all that. That sounds more like a media exam rather than English language. I think it ought to be how is Simon Cowell rude and it should be stuff like, well, he interrupts, he doesn't say please and thank you.

It should be more linguistic-based. But what's Michael Cowell angry about? It should be a question about what I did on my holidays. No, I think he's angry about teaching having become all about emboldening the children's knowledge that they have rather than imparting the knowledge that the teachers have. That's what he's angry about. I've been around a long time.

People are more stupid than they used to be. That's definitely true. Is that true? But I don't know if that's education. It's kind of bit Jenny Murray this morning. I like it. You've got to pick it up a bit, because there was an English exam where, not an English exam, I think a child's lesson, where they had to draw historical, literary figures on

paper plates. Well, that's all right. Well, I think it would work with Benjamin Franklin, because there's the corrugated bit on the edge of the plate that would make a perfect beard, wouldn't it? Yes. It would really lend itself well to that. Did Benjamin Franklin have one of them Amish beards?

I thought he had one of those corrugated beards. I think of him as a bald-headed man with small spectacles. I thought he had a beard. We're all different. I might have got the wrong guy. This is going to be awkward. We're in a comedy cul-de-sac here, from which I can see my reverse isn't working. One of the things he moaned about was people who made models of Hitler out of plasticine in a history lesson. Yeah, I'm not sure plasticine is a history.

It's a hard medium to render anything in. Well, I've been making plasticine models of Hitler for years, and I find it very soothing. So I think it's easy to condemn these things. I started off with the sort of formal brown dress uniform, the raised arm, you know, route one. But now I often have him relaxing at the Vex Garden. You know, the double-breasted jacket and the grey silver tie.

That, that, yeah. So don't knock that, Michael Gove. Don't knock it till you've tried it. Eh, Bob? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. When I, this thing about people are more stupid than they used to be.

Let me give you the other side of that coin. I was, I was in a car journey being driven and the driver was, you know, he was a bit polo shirt, a bit smell of tobacco and I thought, well, I'll talk about driving and traffic. You know, that'll be what he likes. Yeah. So it wasn't going that well, talking about driving and traffic.

And I thought... You're not really into driving, are you? No, I don't. I hate driving. When you say, what car have you got? He's got a new car. He said a black one. Exactly. A silver one.

Yeah, but, yeah, anyway. So I was struggling. And then I remembered a thing, I think it was Jasper Carrott told a story about car insurance, excuses for car insurance. So I dug that deep. Yeah. And I said to this bloke, so there's that thing that people put on their car insurance,

you know, like that person said, I hit a tree coming in the opposite direction. And I thought, you're like that, you know. It's got a car and insurance. And he said, oh, go on. He said, it's like that bit in Macbeth when the forest comes to the castle. Oh.

So. Yeah. And then we talked about Shakespeare for the rest of the thing. So do we see. Judge Enoch. Do you know a book by its cover? don't judge a book by its cover. Don't judge a book by its rather soil polo shirt. That's what I say.

That's why we hide the cockerel. What about Nick Madden? Someone once pulled up to me in a car while I was eating a banana, wound the window down and asked, is that nice? In a very camp voice. Yes. Well, that was a loaded

question if ever I heard one. We've also had a text. Skinner, how can you say all fish taste the same? Don't agree. It's like saying wine tastes the same. Alex B. It's a very good example, Alex, of something else that tastes the same.

Wine. As you know, I hate wine. Yeah. I like fish better than wine Wine. As you know, I ate wine. Yeah. I like fish better than wine. I know this is like an argument that might have happened at the last supper.

With a fish and wine. I love a biblical spat. Oh, me too. We've had another text. Biblical sprat. Very good. Lovely, Alan.

Thank you. Very, very good. 137. A man came up to my 20-year-old daughter on Oxford Street and said, you're the palest person I've ever seen and my cousin's an albino. Blimey. That's from Sharon.

People are very forward. I know you wouldn't pronounce albino, Frank. No, I'd say albino, obviously, but... I mean, I hope that the daughter was a goth, you know, trying to look pale and not someone who's feeling a bit peaky. Yeah. That's the last thing you want is somebody pointing that out.

True. Well, like you pointed out, Matt Goss was an Albino. Yeah, but, you know, Matt Goss can take it. He's been around. We've also had an email. I smiled when I heard Emily say that she dumped her boyfriend who sent her a text calling her his angle. My friend's much older...

Was that an autocorrect or just... He didn't spell it out. No, it was rank stupidity. Oh, OK. My friend's much older cousin was the leader... As a cab driver. My friend's much older cousin was the leader of the local Hell's Angels chapter. Oh, lovely.

As a group of eight and nine-year-olds... I like it when people get off their backsides and do stuff at the weekends. They were eight and nine-year-olds. We were very impressed by the whole concept of our friend's cousin leading his band of tough, uncompromising rebels who seem to do as they're pleased. Everyone was in awe of them until one day That's a good summary of the Hells Angels. Everyone was in awe of them until one day I noticed one of the bikers with a black

leather jacket bearing a slogan made of metal studs reading, Hells Angles. I pointed out the error to everyone and of course much banter was enjoyed except by the angle concerned from Roger Smith poor angle it would be a great name for a very very difficult geometry course

yes or one of those school teachers bands you know when the maths teachers get together and go yeah we're going to do a rock band at the PTA meeting and they dance like they're kicking footballs. Hell's Angles.

That was one of the four or five books that we read at school. Hell's Angles? It was The Sex and Savagery of Hell's Angels, it was called. Everyone passed it round, yeah. Oh, you read that, you read Suedehead as well, didn't you? Suedehead, Skinhead, Skinhead Escapes. Skinhead Escapes? And then there was Fire From Heaven,

which is about spontaneous human combustion. Where did Skinhead Escapes. Skinhead Escape? And then there was Fire From Heaven, which is about spontaneous human combustion. Where did Skinhead Escape... I didn't realise he was incarcerated. Yeah, there was a whole string of skinheads why he did, and Boot Boy was another one. Like John Updike's rabbit novels, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. It was like that.

It was an endless source of violence and entertainment. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in,

could you play Heaven Must Be Missing an Angle by Tavares? Is it the Tavares? Tavares. Tavares. Oh, this is like... I thought that was going to be a cartographer wrote in and said, Devon must be missing an angle. He'd like us to play that.

I saw somebody on a train the other day who had a tattoo peeping out of the bottom of his sleeve. And it was obviously a memorial tattoo for somebody that had died. And at the bottom it said... Well, this sounds like it's going to be a good source for comedy. It feels bad, this, but... That was cool. It said, always loved, never forgot.

And I thought, surely that should be forgotten. No, perhaps the person had got a really good memory. Could you tell them. They were always loved and they never forgot. I saw someone on the train the other day and it was Madness's manager. He can still afford to get trains. He was in first class.

Blimey. He was arranging the guest list for a performance in Blackpool and he was saying, yeah, OK, okay, read the names out, yeah um, okay guest list no backstage guest list no backstage and then he said a name of a celebrity, do you think I should say it? No, I might get in trouble, Frank

I'll discuss it with you during the break Okay, depends which celebrity it is really. It was a member of the Eurythmics and he said Was it a male member or a female member? He said of him. Was he wearing a hat? He said,

guess there's no backstage. Oh, I mean, come on. He's earned his first jewellery to go backstage. Have we got time for another email? It's too busy backstage, it's a madness. Yeah, it's madness back there. It's absolute madness backstage. It's a madness. Yeah, it's madness back there. Have you got time? It's absolute madness, of course.

It would be a fantastically awful stage. Yeah, I think Daisy's trying to find out what time it is. Suggs has got a big rider. Daisy's actually found the speaking clock to find out what time it is. What's on Suggg's rider, Frank? Sog's rider? Oxygen. I don't know.

He's a bit of a party boy, isn't he? He likes a Benson Hedges cigarette. Does he really? I reckon. In the gold packet? Yes. I'd have him more, I think, nowadays as a Lambert and bottle. Maybe even a Peter Stuyvesant.

What else? Okay, this is from Sasha. Not the DJ. Well, she's filling us in on... I'm thinking the Stell. No, she's filling us in on Bloody Mary. Do you remember we've talked a lot about Bloody Mary on this show? Was it Queen Mary? I don't remember. It was on one of my holidays, probably. Was it a Queen Mary?

I thought it was Queen Mary who came in and sort of tried to get around back on the protestants for all the killing they'd done by killing loads of catholics and i said it was some spooky derren brown ghostly sort of mythical figure anyway i presume from the fact you're reading this out that you were right you presume correct my friend the story for bloody mary is that she was a woman called mary Wentworth who was suspected of being a witch. She was told the children in the village this as a way

of staying young. Oh, I must try that. So the villagers decided to kill her. They burnt her house down, 30 quid they got, and from the flames they heard her

shouting a curse that if anybody spoke her name she would come and kill them. The myth is that if you say Bloody Mary

three times in a mirror she appears and kills the person. Okay. Seems to be a curse that's relatively avoidable. Don't say Bloody Mary three times in a mirror, she appears and kills the person. OK. Seems to be a curse that's relatively avoidable. Don't say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror, is my advice. Well, that one, I had a bit of a supernatural encounter. Did you?

I'll save this. I'll save this for a bit. It's quite amazing. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We've had some lovely texts. What's that noise? Sorry. That's just the roar of silence. Someone hoovering. 025 says, what would happen if you're in a bar with swanky mirrors behind the bar? This is a reference to Bloody Mary

we were talking about. What would happen if you were in a bar with swanky mirrors behind the bar and you asked the bartender for a Bloody Mary? He doesn't hear you, so you ask again. Once again, not quite hearing what do you want. And for the third time, facing the mirror, you ask for a Bloody Mary.

He's got a point. He has got a point. Yeah, he's got a point. And I can see how that might have happened. Just avoid cocktail bars. But anyway, I was in an airport in Ireland. And a bloke came up to me and said, can we have your you have my, have your photo took with my new wife? Oh, God. And I said,

okay, where is she? And he said, oh, she's the other side of the terminal. Yeah. So, so I had to walk, I walked 150 yards. I was just about to buy a bumper book of Westerns in the, yeah, in my hand.

Nevertheless, so we got there and I did the photo and I was just about to buy a bumper book of westerns in the... Oh. Yeah, I had it in my hand. Nevertheless. So we got there and I did the photo. And he said, we're off to Inverness. Oh, did he? Well, I've been to Inverness. I spent six weeks on Lentron Fruit Farm picking raspberries. And I said, one thing I knew about the area, you know, it's always nice to throw in, if you know.

And I said, well, watch out for the Loch Ness Monster. And he said, ah. He said, well, you should Google me if you're interested in the Loch Ness Monster. And he gave me his name. Perhaps I shouldn't read it out on here. Yeah. And so I thought, he went away. And I thought, well, I will Google him then.

Did you? So he's from Frome, the guy. It's funny to be from Frome. Yeah. Yeah. And it said that him and his girlfriend, I don't know if it was the same woman, was at Loch Ness on a previous occasion, and they'd seen the monster, not once, but twice.

Unfortunately, the camera wasn't... Oh, no. On either occasion. If I'd seen it once, I think I'd put that camera somewhere we can get it. Anyway. They didn't get it. He'd said to me that he was a bit of a ghost whisperer. Who was he?

And I thought, well, that's interesting. So I carried on Googling. And this is the joy of the internet, isn't it? Which is for the older man. That's it now. And it turned out, yeah, that he ran his own ghost-hunting company. Can you believe that? Yeah.

And it was all, you know, he's all very, very serious about it. He was very keen in the interview. Yeah. It's not a joke thing. I love ghost-hunting. And it's just, yeah, and he's very, very mature about the whole thing. The company is called Casper UK. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute

Radio. On this show we're always keeping our eyes peeled in the media for the various, I'm going to say faddy diets that are discussed. Apparently there's now the cheapest way to lose weight. Oh, lovely.

It's a breathing diet that takes just five minutes a day. I think you're then allowed to carry on breathing during the rest of the day. I don't think it affects your intake. It's not advisable, but if you must. If you only breathed for five minutes a day, you would lose a lot of weight. Judging by Richard III, he was very slim when they got him up. Do you know, he had a lovely figure.

Didn't he have a hunchback? He had his narrow waist. You like that sort of thing. He had a lovely figure if you love... Can I say, if anyone's listening with a hunchback, does it not make you a bad person? No. Yeah, exactly. Sorry. We're just doing a radio show, don't get that. Can you not?

I'm worried now, we're going to doing a radio show, don't get that. Yeah, I feel bad. Can you not? What? I'm worried now, they're going to have the, they'll be the National Hump Association. Anyway. That's the name of a club in Birmingham. This, this, Mickey Ryosuke,

Ryosuke. We get, we get, we get the gist. He, he's... Some, some surnames, you just want the gist of them. Yeah. You don't need the whole... Ryosuke, We get the gist. Some surnames, you just want the gist of them. You don't need the whole... Ryosuke, something like that. Former actor, it says. Sounds a bit more like Kinsen with the say.

It says in the Daily Mail, former actor. I don't remember him from anything. A lot of actors are quite former. It's short, it's not Mickey Rourke, and you just can't pronounce it. It might be Mickey Rourke. He claims that he was doing these breathing techniques when he had a bad back.

Wow. Oh, like you. It's bad back day on the facts, isn't it? And he was practising these breathing techniques and he noticed that he was losing weight and all you have to do is you spend two minutes a day concentrating on taking long breaths and then exhaling aggressively.

Well, there's some battered clench. I would just make sure that if you are going to spend two minutes exhaling aggressively that you haven't got your hands free kit on and that you've dialed an incorrect number. But what do they mean by aggressively? Ah! I think like that.

That's horrible! Well, this is a diet. I'll have a go at it. This is a diet practiced in every kung fu film I've ever seen. Is that... Bob's doing that. He keeps breathing. I can't bear it.

I can feel myself losing weight, so I'm doing it. What you meant to do... You sounded like Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Thanks. You're meant to. You assume the position. You see, he's the teacher, isn't he? Yeah.

The one-eared rat. That's right, yeah. I used to be obsessed with the fact that he was the only one not named after a famous painter, and he got one ear. If ever there was an opportunity missed, it was that. I don't know! Okay. That's good.

You're meant to clench your buttocks. You could have said, bless you. Yeah, clench your buttocks. I could have said bless you. Yeah, clench your buttocks. I'm doing it now. I know. I know. Where's the office chair gone? I thought that was another Frank Spencer impression.

I think I'm doing it. Betty. Look. What worries me about the aggressive out breath is, as I've pointed out many times, I'd say 70% of the people I meet in public life have got bad breath yes oh yeah you've said this before i think it'd be like they could use it for crowd control if those people start doing breathing out aggressively bad breath is so common it's very uh what is that what is that it's in the drains also frank i hate people that breathe loudly. I hate people. No, I don't hate people.

I just don't like loud breathers. And that gives men an excuse to huff and puff all over the place. I don't like that. Don't give them a licence, these people. You're right. But I suppose you're supposed to do it in the privacy of your home, or maybe just the gymnasium. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. The gymnasium. What about these breatharian people? Do you remember those? People that felt that you could live on you didn't need food, you could live on sunlight I think they're all dead now I think you'll find they're my

idols. A lot of them have died but there's people that do claim that they can lose quite a lot of weight in the winter Yeah No but there is a long... Who was that? Do you know...

I'm doing it funny. I know. Get off me. You know that Buddha boy they call him? He's been meditating for about two years and they say he never eats anything he lives on. Is that right? Yeah.

I'm not saying he's right. That's what he's claiming. Who's Buddha boy? You haven't heard of Buddha boy? David on. Is that right? Yeah. I'm not saying it's right, that's what he's claiming. Who's Butterboy? You haven't heard of Butterboy? David Williams, I don't know him. That's Butterball. In a show, listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Did you read about Alan Bacon this week?

Who? Well, I'll tell you exactly who. He's become something of a story because he went for an interview at Curry's as a sales assistant. Oh, yes, I did read it. Did you read... I didn't remember his name, funnily enough. Well, I'll never forget it.

OK. He was forced to do a dance as part of the interview process. He was taken into a room with eight other candidates and they were forced to dance to Daft Punk. Okay. Do you know Daft Punk? Yes. Do you know who they are? I'm aware of them. They're from France. You know why I think they wear

those helmets? Because I think they're a bit old. You think? And it's not very good for their image. Yeah, that's what I think. It's a bit school run underneath those helmets. I think they're courier riders. By day. Who got lucky. Yeah.

Quite literally. Very good. But he says... It's funny how couriers have got their own look, isn't it? Sort of tattooed. They're a bit white dreadlocky. Carry on. They are a bit, aren't they?

Yeah. Grobby. Sort of grobby, they look. I'm calling them lost boys. Yes. That's what they look like. Yes. So anyway, he said, his quote was,

I felt so embarrassed doing robotics in my suit in front of strangers. Was that compulsory, the robotics? I don't know. That's what they asked for. Oh, did they? They asked for robotics. Did they? Did they ask for a robot dance or just normal dance? I think they just asked for a dance, didn't they? Oh, did they? He's thrown in. Did they? Did they ask for a robot dance or just normal dance?

I think they just asked for a dance, didn't they? Oh, did they? He's thrown in robotics and then he's felt bad about it. He's thought, here's my ace in the hand. Right, and then they've gone... Blow the other seven candidates out the way. He's done the silver face, the white gloves. Yeah.

Hasn't paid off. You're saying they've just asked for a dance. It's quite odd, isn't it, in the course of a job interview. Yeah. Unless you are at Sophisticat, you don't expect to dance in a job interview. It's true, but he did say in that interview, he said, eventually, after we'd done all this, I finally got to talk about my hobby of taking photos of outer space.

Now you can see why they were doing anything they could think of to put that off. That conversation. Just make them dance. Just keep them talking. Make them dance. We can't make them dance, Geoff. Make them dance. That's horrible though.

So stressful. He said he felt degraded. And I thought, imagine how low he'd have felt if he'd got the job working in Curry's. That doesn't really... I also thought, do you think they walked out thinking, oh well, we did dance and that is embarrassing, but at least there's no chance that anyone's filmed it and it could go viral.

Because at Curry's there's no-one that knows how to do that. If it had been the Apple store, they'd probably go, this is already online, innit? But not at Curry's, I don't think. It's an odd request. There's a downer on Curry's, the cockerel. I don't know why. That's Curryers and Currys. And I don't like. I don't know. It's an odd request. Oh, that'd be a bit of a downer on Curry's The Cockerel. I don't know why. That's Curry as in Curry's with a dog.

And I don't like Indian food very much. So let's make that that trick. Yeah, Curry's dance. I'm not a fan of the presenter Mark Curry. Oh! So that makes the three. That gives us the three. That's four, I think. I want some...

I think my worst interview, I had an interview with Esther Ranson. Oh, OK. Shortly after I'd been to see the Director General of the BBC, after I graduated. And Esther Ranson said to me, it's not enough to... Oh, you know, you never forget.

I never forget this. She went, it's not enough to wander in here looking beautiful and well-connected, you know. I suppose you stopped listening after that. Who knows what she said after that? Because you were thinking, I think you'll find it is. Oh, well, I haven't really had many. I suppose if I was interviewing, if I got eight people in a room,

they were desperate for a job, it would be tempting to make them dance, wouldn't it? Yeah. And now, can you punch each other in the face? That's how I got this, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, but you danced beautifully. Thank you. I wasn't expecting that contemporary interpretive thing.

I thought you'd just do disco. I wasn't expecting that tenor. But you told a proper story in dance. It was beautiful. Got a very expressive physique. It surprised me. I surprised that, yeah. I've never even seen bikini tights before.

We've had a couple of texts in, passers-by. A man looking at a high wall asked me if it was Winchester Prison. I replied that it was unlikely, as he was in Salisbury. Hmm. Are they not the same place? Apparently not. Okay, I didn't know that. Frank, once years ago in Glasgow...

Do you think he was waiting for someone to jump over the wall? He got the wrong person. He was the getaway man. He thought someone was being sprung. That's what the gangsters say, Frank. Yeah, I know. Okay. Frank, once years ago in Glasgow,

I was parked on the high street outside a shop waiting for someone. I had the window open. I was doing what a lot of people do whilst in the car, picking my nose. Whilst mid-pick, a little old lady crossing the road casually shouted at me, meet you at the bridge.

All I could do was laugh my head off. You know, the bridge, which she knows. It's a pun. She's done well. I bet she said that all the time. That was her old lady line. What about Tony from Lagos? So some bad breath is better than no breath at all. I'm not sure that's true

i thought you might beg to differ no i'm my own case i think i should sooner perish than have bad breath on the subject of job interviews i uh i worked for a while for a landscape gardening company this is you talking now yes okay and ma'am. Oh, OK. And there was a bloke there. You think it was a text from Capability Brown? Oh, that it was still Tony from Lagos. I'm not going to use his name, just in case he's still working there. But the rumour went round that he had got the job because they'd said to him in the interview, why do you want to work for Grace Landscapes?

And he'd said, I like digging holes. That was his response, which is a perfect answer, isn't it? Yeah. Apparently he used to moan if there wasn't enough digging on the job. Fabulous. Yeah, I like digging holes. He used to dig his garden up if there was no digging on the work. Oh, listen to this. Mick, dear Frank and all, I'm glad you've mentioned the Charles Atlas book you ordered as I've been waiting for this opportunity to get in touch. OK. I had been with my wife Alison for 17 years

before she mentioned in passing her Uncle Brian used to be Mr Universe. Wow. She listens and writes in to you regularly, so would be surprised if you read this out. Right. And what's her name? Alison. Alison Universe. Yeah yeah that's right is that one of the bex hill universes how brilliant i bet she's got fabulous sort of

black and white depends on how old the granddad is i suppose is it granddad or uncle um it was her uncle uncle brian that's not very mr universe brian it Brian Universe. I love that, Brian Universe. Ah, well, yeah, she should email us a photo of Uncle Brian. Yeah. In all his glory, all oiled and posed and rippling. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had an email in from Tim Baxter. He says, we were talking about things Passersby had said,

he said, a German teenager in Munich station bellowed to me, Edwin, go get your telescope. In a John Gielgud style. Edwin, go get your... I'm hiding from Alan Burdell. What do you make of that Frank? it's a bit like what's that REM what's the frequency

Kenneth no what's the frequency R Keith what's the frequency Kenneth is supposedly something someone they knew got attacked or something and they kept shouting what's the frequency, the person hitting them kept saying what's the frequency Kenneth? Oh I love that story

It's a beautiful story of urban decay. Me and my brother were once nearly in a fight in Oxford and a bloke said I'm warning you I'm a three star chef It means that he'd bought three Kung Fu stars from that bloke who worked there So maybe there's a famous astronomer called Edwin. Yeah.

It sounds like a sort of Dr Livingstone, I presume, type famous quote. I'm scratching into the very depths. Wasn't the man who invented the microscope called Edwin Leder? Edwin Starr? No, it wasn't him. Oh, OK. Edwin Leder. Lederharr? No, it wasn't him. Oh, OK. Edwin Lieder... Liederhosen?

Not Liederhosen. I don't know. The only inventor I know is Charles Babbage. OK. Sorry. Bell? No. That's one of those things.

That's one of those when people say stuff and you're supposed to ask, who's that? And I just don't. OK. 929 has texted, I didn't get a job because I laughed when the interviewer fell off her chair. See, I think that's a natural instinct.

You can't rule somebody out. It's like as natural as breathing. It's better than falling off the chair laughing. Yeah. I gave someone a job, and I still know this man very well. I gave him a job. Is it David Baddiel? No.

He came in for a job interview, and I was listening to Captain Beefheart's Trout Mask Replica album. Yeah. And he came into the office, and he said, oh, Trout Mask Replica. And I thought, well, that's good that he knew that, so I'll give him the job.

You know, it's all fairly random. A friend of mine didn't give people... He'd take them out for lunch, and if they had soup... He'd recommend the soup, I think, when they had the soup. If they put salt in before they tasted it, he didn't give them the job. Was he a chef, though? It was a food preparation job.

If only we could swear on this show, that would have been a great comeback. Was he a chef? No, he was a... You can't. You just can't. A friend of mine went for, I suppose it's not an interview, it's an audition at RADA. Oh, lovely. And they said to him, he's standing on stage

and there's like three people sitting in the... Three people in scarves. Oh. Sitting in the auditorium. And they said, right, there's a scrubbing brush there. Seduce it. And that was his challenge. There wasn't even a scrubbing brush there.

It was Nigel Kennedy just coming up through the trap door. Didn't someone say that on Celebrity Big Brother the other night? 115. I went for an interview at Big W, the Woolies spin-off. I like spin-off. They tried to get me to dance to Grease Lightning as it was to be a regular in-store thing. Now, I went for a... I walked out as I hate Travolta. I like that that was the only reason.

Yeah, that's a good reason. Sorry, no Travolta. I went to Disneyland and went for a... I think I had a butterscotch milkshake. But while I was in there, suddenly White Lightning came on and the whole staff did this. Grease Lightning, not White Lightning, that's what the tramps drink. Oh no, White Lightning, sorry, is a Jim Vincent song covered by the fall. If that had come on, I would have been indeed, indeed shocked. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I think we're going to sashay back to email corner. That's it. Sashay to still. Yeah. Just going to keep saying it. Every time there's any sort of... Hello all. My father takes salt with his tea. Not my father.

He perished when I was young. My father takes salt with his tea. Well, it was a salt poisoning. His family did not have a lot of money when he was growing up So his mother would often give him black tea With milk and salt Telling him it was soup After trying it

That reminds me of those old jokes I wouldn't say it was poor But we thought We thought knives and forks were jewellery After trying this I quite enjoyed it, but still prefer my tea with neither additions. Hey, that sounds like a good diet. I might go on that.

I wish we'd done this earlier, because I would have tried that on the show. You'd have had a crack at it, would you? Yeah. What is it then, black tea? Salt and tea as soup. So no milk? Just black tea with... Oh.

Or is there milk? Yeah, black tea with milk and salt, that's the joke. Oh, that's disgusting. OK. My grandpa used to tell me a thing of... Your what? My grandpa, grandfather, grandpa, grandpa. Grandpa?

My grandpa, he used to tell me a thing repeatedly about the recipe for pea and ham soup, and it was like 50 litres of water, one pea, attach pea to string, dip it into the water if it's too strong. Attach pea to string, fellow. Very good. The ham? Yeah.

If it was remove, remove, if it was too strong, remove. No, the ham. My family provided the ham. Well, we used to have, certainly when the old man was out of work, we used to have ketchup sandwiches. Did you? You know what, they're fine. Yeah, they're quite have, certainly when the old man was out of work, we used to have ketchup sandwiches. Did you?

You know what, they're fine. Yeah, they're quite nice, I think. I prefer... I thought, I imagine he was out of work. I thought he was at the factory all the time. Yeah, but you know, he used to... Was he freelance? He used to have sort of very heavy weekends.

Oh, did he? And then disappear, not make Mondays and Tuesdays, and then he wouldn't go back. That's a different story. Yeah. But in fact, you realise with the ketchup sandwich that the ketchup is the best bit of most sandwiches. If I was...

Say if I was having a bacon sandwich with ketchup and someone suggested a balloon debate, you know, in which you have to ditch something from your sandwich, I'm afraid the bacon would have to go and I'd keep the ketchup. Seriously? Really? Yeah. To hell with the bacon would have to go and I'd keep the ketchup. Seriously? Really? Yeah. To hell with the bacon.

No. I only pick, generally, I only pick food. What I think is I think, well, I really fancy some piccadilly. What can I put under it? You love that piccadilly. I do love piccadilly. What about Fortnum and Mason's piccadilly? I'll mention it again.

Last time you mentioned it, it sold out. Yeah. It did. But if you're listening for Fortnum and Mason's, I can mention it again. Last time you mentioned it, it sold out. Yeah. It did. But if you're listening for Fortnum & Mason's, I can afford it, so don't bother sending me any. I don't want it. I don't want the free stuff. You're doing well these days.

I've worked hard. I'll pay my way. Good for you. I'm proud of you. When I see the stuff, they get sent on the breakfast, shall we? Do they? Oh, God.

They never buy anything ever again. They get things like beer. Anyway, I've got to go. I've got to go and choose my suits for Room 101. So, um... And, um, you know what? The good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Now get out!